0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07FLUSH
0:00:07 > 0:00:09FOOTSTEPS PITTER-PATTER
0:00:09 > 0:00:10RADIO PLAYS MUSIC
0:00:10 > 0:00:11POP FIZZES
0:00:11 > 0:00:13GOBBLING
0:00:15 > 0:00:17FOOTSTEPS PITTER-PATTER
0:00:17 > 0:00:19SPLASHING
0:00:19 > 0:00:20FLUSH
0:00:20 > 0:00:21FOOTSTEPS PITTER-PATTER
0:00:21 > 0:00:24STRETCHING AND GROANING
0:00:26 > 0:00:27FOOTSTEPS PITTER-PATTER
0:00:35 > 0:00:36FLUSH
0:00:36 > 0:00:39FOOTSTEPS PITTER-PATTER
0:00:43 > 0:00:45HE INHALES DEEPLY
0:00:47 > 0:00:49FOOTSTEPS PITTER-PATTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:02HE PANTS
0:01:02 > 0:01:05HEART BEATS RAPIDLY
0:01:08 > 0:01:11BURP REVERBERATES
0:01:15 > 0:01:20MUSIC: Suite No. 1, Op. 46 - "Morning" from Peer Gynt by Grieg
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- SYNTHESISED VOICE: - Ladies and gentlemen,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28good evening and welcome.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31The Sun is a low to medium mass star, which through nuclear fusion
0:01:31 > 0:01:35will become a Red Giant and then a White Dwarf.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Even if the Earth should escape eventual incineration by the Sun,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42all the Earth's water will be boiled away and the vast majority
0:01:42 > 0:01:45of Earth's atmosphere will be lost -
0:01:45 > 0:01:47everything on the Earth will die -
0:01:47 > 0:01:51die a tragic, elongated, painful death.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Everything will die, die, die,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57die, die, die...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It will have all been for nothing.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Now time for some comedy.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:09So, ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Andy Parsons.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Lovely.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Super. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Very exciting to be here. How are we all, all right?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- ALL: Yeah! - Oh! Fantastic news.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Obviously, when you go on tour, you get excited,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48you play these beautiful theatres and then you look at the brochure
0:02:48 > 0:02:52and you see that they've sandwiched you in between
0:02:52 > 0:02:55the psychic Sally Morgan,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58the Tiger Who Came To Tea
0:02:58 > 0:03:02and Peppa Pig's Party
0:03:02 > 0:03:04and Peppa Pig is playing two nights...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Before we get going properly,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I would like to make you aware there is an ongoing campaign.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Zarganar is a Burmese comedian, he's been locked up for 35 years.
0:03:17 > 0:03:1935 years, and what did he do?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23He basically criticised the Burmese government for their efforts
0:03:23 > 0:03:25during flood relief during a cyclone.
0:03:25 > 0:03:2735 years.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Let's face it, you could criticise David Cameron,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32you could shout that criticism at him,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35you could call him a wanker, you could chuck an egg at him,
0:03:35 > 0:03:40you could go up and slap him round his chubby cheeks with a wet fish...
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And let's face it, the longest sentence you would probably get
0:03:43 > 0:03:47is around six months, suspended for good behaviour.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52And a lot of people would regard that good behaviour as slapping
0:03:52 > 0:03:56David Cameron round his chubby cheeks with a wet fish.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00APPLAUSE
0:04:01 > 0:04:04We do have a Liberal-Conservative coalition, the first coalition
0:04:04 > 0:04:08since the war, Liberal-Conservative obviously two words that
0:04:08 > 0:04:12should never go together. Cos they mean completely opposite things.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16It would be like having voted for a free-market Communist coalition...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20..or a no-swearing fuck party.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:26And I think we can afford to feel disappointed, can't we?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Because they said this general election will be close -
0:04:29 > 0:04:32we need your vote, go out and vote. And we went out.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34We voted and each one of us here
0:04:34 > 0:04:37got a government that in fact nobody voted for.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41We managed to get rid of Brown,
0:04:41 > 0:04:46but we still now have this glorious mixture of blue and gold...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49So it appears we have brown all over again.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55And as Chancellor, we have George Osborne,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59a man who when the growth statistics came in for the winter, blamed
0:04:59 > 0:05:04the fact that they were disappointing on an unseasonably cold December.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Then, when the disappointing growth statistics
0:05:07 > 0:05:12came in for the spring, he blamed it on an unseasonably warm April.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14If the economy does ever pick up,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16it's obviously no credit to George Osborne,
0:05:16 > 0:05:21it will be down to seasonably, beautifully average conditions.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Let's not forget George Osborne is the man who has a £4 million
0:05:26 > 0:05:30trust fund, although he said recently, and I quote,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33he is on the side of the poorly-paid worker,
0:05:33 > 0:05:37who gets up at six o'clock in the morning to go off to work,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40but then is disappointed to look across the street
0:05:40 > 0:05:44and see somebody sat there in their lounge with the blinds down,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47living a life on benefits.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And I thought, let's have a little closer look
0:05:49 > 0:05:52at that statement from George Osborne.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56How could you possibly see somebody sat there in their lounge
0:05:56 > 0:05:58if the blinds are down?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02And who gets up at six o'clock in the morning
0:06:02 > 0:06:03to go and sit in their lounge
0:06:03 > 0:06:07if they are in fact living a life on benefits?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10You're hardly going to do it, just so as you can wind up
0:06:10 > 0:06:13the bloke across the road, who's got a poorly-paid job.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Ha! Nnng!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19APPLAUSE
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I've been counting how many U-turns the coalition have done so far.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28They reckon it's at least 12.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32My favourite one is when David Cameron put his private photographer
0:06:32 > 0:06:35on the public payroll and then very quickly had to take him off again.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39A man by the name of Andrew Parsons...
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Some of you spotting a little link there, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I nick his pass, I can become David Cameron's official photographer
0:06:49 > 0:06:52and let me tell you, those photos will look very different
0:06:52 > 0:06:54when I'm in charge.
0:06:54 > 0:06:59I will not rest on your behalf until I have a photo of David Cameron
0:06:59 > 0:07:01snorting cocaine off a naked Nick Clegg...
0:07:03 > 0:07:07..hopefully whilst sharing a twin bedroom with William Hague.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Because they say, "Oh, we need to have all these cuts",
0:07:13 > 0:07:16but we know that when they've got their pet projects,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18they'll find the money, won't they?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21David Cameron has said that he basically wants to recognise
0:07:21 > 0:07:23marriage within the tax system
0:07:23 > 0:07:27and what this means is that for married couples, you'll be
0:07:27 > 0:07:32getting an extra £150 a year to encourage you to stay together.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Because that's going to make all the difference, isn't it?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Three quid a week.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"I hate you! I'm leaving you!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"I don't know why we got married in the first place!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Come on...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52There's £1.50 in it for you...
0:07:52 > 0:07:56APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:08:02And they haven't done some of the things we were hoping they WOULD do.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05They haven't done anything at all on bankers' bonuses,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07and basically they've done some research,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09both International Labour Organisation
0:08:09 > 0:08:13and PriceWaterhouseCoopers and they have found that
0:08:13 > 0:08:16whether a company pays big bonuses or little bonuses,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19they reckon makes very little difference
0:08:19 > 0:08:21as to how successful the company is.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24But that's not what they tell us at the banks, is it?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27They say we need to pay those big bonuses so as we get the best people.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31But as we found out from the banking crisis, a lot of the people
0:08:31 > 0:08:33they THOUGHT were the best people...
0:08:33 > 0:08:34turned out they were shit.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I think we should find a way of holding onto these bonuses
0:08:39 > 0:08:41in limbo for a little bit, maybe five years,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45something like that, until we can work out exactly whether they
0:08:45 > 0:08:50HAVE made a genuine profit or whether it is merely a speculative bubble.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Because let's face it, any arsehole can make a short-term profit,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57can't they? You sell your house, you will make a massive profit.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00It's only going to come back and bite you in the arse next year,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02when you realise you've got nowhere to live.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Isn't it amazing what we hold up as great British business?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Usually, I'm always amazed on The Apprentice
0:09:12 > 0:09:16that when somebody gets fired, they get up, don't they,
0:09:16 > 0:09:20and they go to Lord Sugar, "Thank you", and they leave.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25Surely, that is a perfect opportunity for you to tell Lord Sugar
0:09:25 > 0:09:27exactly what you think of him.
0:09:27 > 0:09:33"Well...I'm not sure I wanted a job with you anyway, Sugar.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37"Because I used to have an Amstrad computer when I was younger
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"and it was utter shit."
0:09:40 > 0:09:41"Thank you."
0:09:41 > 0:09:44LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Who are the people we usually hold up,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51right, as great British businessman?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Usually the top three, Lord Sugar, Richard Branson, Philip Green.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Now Amstrad was shit,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Virgin Trains ARE shit,
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Top Man IS shit.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05If you followed our three best businessmen,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07you'd be using a computer that didn't work,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09on a train going nowhere,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12looking like a prize wanker.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:25So...welcome along, ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30Obviously, I am keen to talk about what is going on in the world,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34but I am painfully aware there's a very thin line
0:10:34 > 0:10:37between being passionate about something
0:10:37 > 0:10:41and boring the hole off people on their night out.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Good luck, ladies and gentlemen!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I got into stand-up really because I was quite scared of it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I'd seen it and I was quite excited by it,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57but I was quite nervous about it and almost for a dare,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I signed up to what they call open spots.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I had to do five minutes on a bill with established comics
0:11:03 > 0:11:05and I came out...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and first couple of minutes was going OK,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09then suddenly I completely blanked,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11completely forgot what I was supposed to do,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15but I'd had the foresight to write down on a bit of paper all the jokes.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18So I got the bit of paper out of my pocket, but I was so nervous,
0:11:18 > 0:11:19I dropped it.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22There was a lady in the front row, she picked it up
0:11:22 > 0:11:25and there was that moment when I'm looking at her, going...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26HE MOUTHS
0:11:26 > 0:11:31And she passes it back to me, she leans in, she goes, "Keep going!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"You're doing really well!"
0:11:35 > 0:11:39I thought, well, that is the sort of heckle I can handle.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I think basically if she'd lent in, screwed it up,
0:11:42 > 0:11:47chucked it over her shoulder and went, "You're shit!"
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I think I'd have started crying, maybe wet myself,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52maybe done a small poo.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I have cried on stage. Yes. I once had giardia.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Some you may know what giardia is -
0:12:02 > 0:12:05it's a waterborne salmonella-type illness.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I lost a stone and a half in ten days.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Some of you thinking, "I don't need a diet, I need giardia".
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I wouldn't recommend it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I went to the Hospital for Tropical Diseases,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20cos the GP didn't have a clue exactly what was wrong with me
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and they finally worked out what was wrong with me
0:12:22 > 0:12:27and they said... Doctor gave me some drugs and said, and this is a quote,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31"Take these for two weeks, but don't do anything -
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"these will fuck you up."
0:12:33 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Now, I had a gig to do that night, so I phoned up the gig,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46said, "I can't do the gig". They phoned back, said,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"It's only 20 minutes, we can't find anybody else, can you do it?"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I was crying before I came out on stage.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I cried for the entire 20 minutes,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I cried as I left the stage.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00They fucking loved it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:06It must've been the most surreal thing ever.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Some bloke trying to crack some funnies, tears pouring down his face
0:13:10 > 0:13:14and the whole audience going, "Oh, that is good! THAT is good".
0:13:16 > 0:13:22People always want to know the horror stories you've had on stage...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I once did a double act and we came out on stage,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29two mics were set up for us and as we got on stage,
0:13:29 > 0:13:33we realised that in fact, only one of the microphones worked.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35So you could hear the setup to a joke,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37but you couldn't hear the punch line.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41So you can imagine after a little while,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43audience getting a bit restless,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46some bloke at the back shouted, "Fuck off!".
0:13:46 > 0:13:48And I thought I was being terribly clever,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51cos I had the microphone that worked, so I said, "Oh, no, mate -
0:13:51 > 0:13:56"we're only going to fuck off if the whole audience tell us to fuck off!"
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Lasted about another ten seconds...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Another time, I'm with a friend who's a comic.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06He says, "Andy, there's something about your delivery".
0:14:06 > 0:14:10He says, "There's a rhythm to it, there's a lilt. It's funny anyway."
0:14:10 > 0:14:13He said, "You could say anything, it doesn't matter what you say,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"I'm laughing regardless".
0:14:15 > 0:14:17So I thought, this was rubbish,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20but we were working together the next night, so I thought, for a laugh...
0:14:20 > 0:14:24He introduces me, I bounce out on stage, I go,
0:14:24 > 0:14:29"Nnyyha, huh, huh, nyhuh, huh, uuuuugh".
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Let me tell you, jokes need words, ladies and gentlemen.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38A series of nasal grunts is not sufficient.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44I do get asked about the nasal side of my grunting.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Transpires when I was very little, I did struggle to breathe, which
0:14:49 > 0:14:53was obviously a slight impediment if I wanted to get any larger...
0:14:54 > 0:14:58My parents nicknamed me because my breathing was so bad,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01they nicknamed me "the traction engine".
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Cos they were sensitive sorts...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06And then they took me to a traction engine fair
0:15:06 > 0:15:09so I could see what one fucking looked like(!)
0:15:11 > 0:15:15What this meant was, I had to spend quite a long time in hospital,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18various visits, where they sort of broke open my nose,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21chipped some bone out, trying to get me to breathe more easily.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You can imagine this was fairly traumatic as a child.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28It did though introduce me to drugs at an early age...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31What would happen is they would give me a general anaesthetic
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and then as I was coming round, after the operation,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37they would wheel me back into the kiddie's ward
0:15:37 > 0:15:41and each time I was being wheeled back in, for no reason,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I would sit upright in the bed
0:15:44 > 0:15:47and I would start waving to the other children and even then,
0:15:47 > 0:15:51there was bit of my brain going, "I have no idea why I'm waving.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"None of these kids want to be waved that,
0:15:53 > 0:15:58"I don't want to wave to them, but I am off my tiny tits."
0:16:01 > 0:16:02And so...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I know my voice has been described by some people
0:16:05 > 0:16:10as like a man trying to go for a shit
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and failing.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16So if we do have any doubters in this evening, ladies and gentlemen,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20I'd like to let you know I have had quite a few plaudits
0:16:20 > 0:16:22from the national press.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Oh, yes, Evening Standard described me as,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27"A potato-headed Mel Smith lookalike."
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Guardian described me as,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"A bullet-headed, frustrated town crier."
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And the Daily Telegraph described me as,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40"An alarmingly well-informed fruit-and-veg seller."
0:16:40 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:49 > 0:16:54That is normally what I get - bullet-headed, egg-headed,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57potato-headed, cueball.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01And I always think, how can you be all of those things?
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I can't look like a potato, a bullet, an egg AND a cueball.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08When have you ever been in a pub, looked for a pool table, found
0:17:08 > 0:17:12a pool table, looked for a cueball, not found a cueball,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and thought, "Fuck it, let's use a potato?"
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Cos things can annoy you, can't they? Things can get on your tits.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Often it's to do with British foreign policy.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30We've now been in Afghanistan ten years. Of course,
0:17:30 > 0:17:34we first went into Afghanistan with the help of Pakistan
0:17:34 > 0:17:36to try and find Al-Qaeda.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Now it appears that Al-Qaeda have in fact left Afghanistan
0:17:40 > 0:17:44and gone into Pakistan, but we're not allowed to go and look for them
0:17:44 > 0:17:47in Pakistan, because Pakistan is our friend
0:17:47 > 0:17:50and they're still helping us look for them in Afghanistan.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53APPLAUSE
0:17:56 > 0:18:00The Americans' weapon of choice at the moment, the predator drone.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Now, the statistics are that they reckon
0:18:02 > 0:18:07for every militant the drones kill, they kill ten civilians.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Not only is that illegal, but it's also a US military estimate,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15so goodness knows exactly what the real figures are.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17They have killed so many people
0:18:17 > 0:18:20at weddings in north-west Pakistan,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24you are amazed if anybody gets married there at all.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26"Does anybody here know any reason
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"why these two should not be joined together?"
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Yes, it makes a whirring sound
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and it's coming round the sodding corner.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And you think some of the things that we've put in place,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44are they proportional to the threat that we actually suffer?
0:18:44 > 0:18:45You may have noticed that now,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49basically because of the Christmas Day bomber, if you fly to America,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51for the last hour of your flight,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54you're not allowed out of your seat to go to the toilet.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57The reason is, when they were circling over Detroit,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59that's when he tried to detonate his bombs.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01They thought, we know how we can stop that -
0:19:01 > 0:19:03for the last hour, you can't go to the toilet.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05And you're thinking, will that make any difference?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Surely, if you've got a bomb on board, you'll know that
0:19:08 > 0:19:12and you'll just detonate that bomb 65 minutes before you're due to land.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You're not going to be sat there in your seat,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16strapped with plastic explosives
0:19:16 > 0:19:20and suddenly see the "fasten seatbelt" sign come on and go,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"Fuck me, that is me foiled".
0:19:27 > 0:19:30There's obviously still ongoing difficulties in New York.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35Still a lot of outcry about this proposed Ground Zero mosque.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Quite a few problems with it, not least of all
0:19:38 > 0:19:43cos it's not in fact at Ground Zero. And it's not in fact a mosque.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47We know that 9/11 changed the world, if for no other reason than that
0:19:47 > 0:19:52Nation of Islam used to be massive in America. No longer.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Loads of black people were joining Nation of Islam -
0:19:55 > 0:19:57not so much any more.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02It's tough enough being black without becoming a Muslim as well.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Be like being gay and then dying your hair ginger.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09You don't need the extra hassle.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Not that I'm having a go at ginger people, I want you to know that.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Gingers and baldies need to stick together against those hair fascists.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28A carrot-top/potato-head vegetable alliance!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31But if we ever go on a rally and the sun is out,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34there'll be a lot of factor 50 on show.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41My real problem with the Ground Zero mosque is that basically
0:20:41 > 0:20:43it's equating Islam with terrorism.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47There is a lot of anti-Islam feeling around the world today.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51In Switzerland, you may have noticed they've banned minarets recently.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53One of the reasons they said they wanted to ban them was because
0:20:53 > 0:20:57they didn't want a call to prayer at four o'clock in the morning.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Turns out it was a bullshit argument
0:20:59 > 0:21:02cos these minarets were only ever supposed to be symbolic
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and you can see why that would be the case - you would hope in 2011,
0:21:05 > 0:21:10most people in Switzerland would have a powerfully accurate alarm clock...
0:21:10 > 0:21:14which has the advantage that you can turn it off.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Not quite so easy to get up, tap the Imam on the head
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and put him on snooze.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25But I did hear the argument advanced, why does it matter?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Surely a call to prayer is exactly the same as church bells?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And I thought, no, I don't think they are exactly the same thing,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34because let's face it,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37if you heard church bells at four o'clock in the morning,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39you would think we were at war,
0:21:39 > 0:21:44the Nazis were at Dover or the vicar was fucking HAMMERED.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Islam, it obviously encourages a lot of devotion.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00One of the ways it does this is that people have to pray five times a day.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Anything you've got to do five times a day,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05you tend to take pretty seriously.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08We're all supposed to eat five fruit and veg every day.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Now, we struggle to do that.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Imagine you had to eat those five fruit and veg at set times every day,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19when some bloke up a tower started wailing fruit and veg at you...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23..at which point, you had to start reciting various passages
0:22:23 > 0:22:26from Delia Smith's healthy cookbook,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29whilst pointing in the direction of Norwich.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32APPLAUSE
0:22:35 > 0:22:38People get cross with comedians.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41"How come comedians always take the piss out of Christianity,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43"how come they never talk about Islam?"
0:22:43 > 0:22:47So, it was nice to mention Islam to begin with, but obviously
0:22:47 > 0:22:50it would be a shame to miss out on Christianity altogether...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55There are five major world religions.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Four of them have got to be wrong.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03And they often seem to have nicked bits off each other, don't they?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Jews, they don't eat any pork, Muslims don't eat pork,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Hindus don't eat any beef and Christians,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12they seem to eat virtually everything,
0:23:12 > 0:23:17including at Christmas a beef sausage wrapped with a bit of bacon...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20as a big "fuck you" to all the other religions...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24APPLAUSE
0:23:28 > 0:23:31But it does seem things might be changing slightly.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33We did have the Pope this year telling us
0:23:33 > 0:23:36that he thought it was OK for male prostitutes to wear a condom.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41So if you ARE Catholic and you DO want to wear a condom,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43there appears to be only one way to go.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:54And it does seem surprising, doesn't it,
0:23:54 > 0:24:00that in 2011, basically we still have a man who has never had sex
0:24:00 > 0:24:05who is telling one billion other people how they should be having sex.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07The Pope is saying homosexuality is unnatural.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I was thinking, surely the most unnatural thing in the world
0:24:10 > 0:24:12is not to be having any sex whatsoever?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Virtually every living organism on the planet is having sex,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19apart from amoebas and Catholic priests.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23If God hadn't meant us to have sex, God would not have put
0:24:23 > 0:24:26so many pleasure receptors around our genitalia
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and I for one am not going to let God down.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Apparently, one in five people in America don't think Barack Obama
0:24:41 > 0:24:43is a Christian, they think he's a Muslim,
0:24:43 > 0:24:47although he goes to church every week.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49These people, they don't think him going to church every week
0:24:49 > 0:24:53makes him a Christian, they think it just makes him a bad Muslim.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Most of these people are from the Tea Party,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02or as they are otherwise known, Teabaggers.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Obviously, that means something very different in this country.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I can't wait for Sarah Palin to turn up in Britain,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14touch down at Heathrow and go, "Hello, I'm a teabagger".
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Some of you laughing,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22some of you may need the word "teabagging" explained to you,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24at the end of the show.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26HE GIGGLES
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Somebody going, "Yes, I would fucking love to know what that is!"
0:25:33 > 0:25:36But if you don't know much about the Tea Party,
0:25:36 > 0:25:37they have got some great characters.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39There's a woman called Christine O'Donnell.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41If you don't know her, Google her.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43She comes out with some great statements.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46She's often on Fox TV, comes out with statements like,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50"Masturbation is sinful and the equivalent of adultery."
0:25:50 > 0:25:53The thing is, she is actually quite fit,
0:25:53 > 0:25:58so I wonder how many people in America watching her on the telly,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01are trying to crack one off,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05and then justifying it as an act of political rebellion.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I've noticed there seems to be more than just wanking out there now,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16there seems to be an increase in super-wanking.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Wanking plus strangling - auto-asphyxiation.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I mean, who takes their trousers down for a wank, looks at their belt
0:26:23 > 0:26:25around their ankles, thinks,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"That's doing nothing at the moment...
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"I think I'll strangle myself with this?"
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Who has done the research?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Who said strangling yourself
0:26:34 > 0:26:38and starving yourself of oxygen was going to make things better?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I have held my breath underwater at a swimming pool before now
0:26:41 > 0:26:45and let me tell you, it didn't give me a ginormous stiffy.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47For which I am grateful.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I think if I was having a wank and I started strangling,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I think it would put me off the wank!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I don't think I'd be able to relax and enjoy it.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I'm not fantastic at multitasking as it is!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I think if I was wanking and then started strangling,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I'd be worried I was doing too much strangling and not enough wanking.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I don't think it'd help, they go, "Don't worry if it goes wrong,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"no - you'll die with a smile on your face!"
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I don't think you would.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I think you'd die with a look of sheer panic on your face, going,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24"I knew it was too tight!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29"This isn't how I want my mother to remember me!"
0:27:29 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:37That came out a bit from left-field, didn't it?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40This is the point where some of the slower members of the audience think,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42"I don't think this IS Peppa Pig's Party..."
0:27:45 > 0:27:47It's amazing what people can get into.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51If you spend some time in a spa hotel in Britain, there is every chance
0:27:51 > 0:27:54that they will currently offer you Hopi ear candling.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57For those of you who don't know what that is, that's where they try
0:27:57 > 0:28:00and stick a hollow candle in your ear
0:28:00 > 0:28:02and light it to get rid of ear wax.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07So, to try and get rid of wax, they're melting wax in your ear.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09It is insanity, isn't it?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11It would be like if you're constipated,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14trying to go for a shit by shoving poo up your own bum.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22It's that new health campaign, isn't it? Drinkaware.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27- Woo!- Yeah! So, somebody IS drinking aware, as we speak!
0:28:28 > 0:28:33According to Professor Nutt, the ex-drugs tsar of the government,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36he reckons that alcohol is more harmful
0:28:36 > 0:28:39- than either crack cocaine or heroin. - Rubbish!
0:28:39 > 0:28:44There we go, somebody's done all three as an experiment...
0:28:44 > 0:28:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:52..and is still coherent enough to shout out, "Rubbish!"
0:28:52 > 0:28:57And do you know, sir, what he reckons is the least harmful of all drugs?
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Mushrooms.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Not only does it get you off your tits,
0:29:01 > 0:29:05but it's also one of your five fruit and veg a day.
0:29:06 > 0:29:11I, myself, have recently taken up wearing contact lenses
0:29:11 > 0:29:14and let me tell you, taking those out when you're pissed,
0:29:14 > 0:29:16oh, that's an event!
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Usually, you manage the first one,
0:29:18 > 0:29:22you manage to scrape that off your eyeball and then often,
0:29:22 > 0:29:26you're so pissed, you're looking for the second one in the same eyeball.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30You're having a panic that it's all up inside your eyeball
0:29:30 > 0:29:35when it should be pretty obvious that it is, in fact, in the other eyeball
0:29:35 > 0:29:38because it's the only eye you can see fairly well out of.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44We have our health secretary, Andrew Lansley,
0:29:44 > 0:29:49who has decided to introduce a new minimum price for alcohol -
0:29:49 > 0:29:5321 pence a unit - to discourage us from drinking.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54AUDIENCE BOOS
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Shepherd's Bush are furious!
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Even the bloke at the back there's going,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02"Well, fuck it, I've always got crack cocaine."
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Basically, they did some research.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08They were trying to work out how many supermarket offers
0:30:08 > 0:30:12were being affected by this new minimum price for alcohol.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15They did 400, tested 400 supermarket offers,
0:30:15 > 0:30:19found out that only one was actually affected, and this was
0:30:19 > 0:30:25an offer which was basically 24 cans of Strongbow for a tenner.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Now, when you hear that, do you think, "That is ridiculously cheap?
0:30:28 > 0:30:31"I am good that this government are doing something about that!"
0:30:31 > 0:30:35Or are you thinking, "Oh, that's a bit of a bargain.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39"I think I will check out the Department of Health website
0:30:39 > 0:30:41"to find out which supermarket was offering this."
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Police have been criticised recently for a number of things.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51You may have seen that they're keeping our DNA,
0:30:51 > 0:30:55DNA on their database for 12 years, even when we're innocent.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58They said, "Well, we should do that," quoting some statistics
0:30:58 > 0:31:01from the Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05Now, I have a problems with the Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science,
0:31:05 > 0:31:09not least because they've yet to find the killer of Jill Dando.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15It would be like having a Lord Lucan missing persons helpline.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25They've also decided that they are going to have Sarah's Law,
0:31:25 > 0:31:27they're going to put it through the country.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30They started with a few little areas to see if Sarah's Law would work.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33This is basically a campaign from the News of the World
0:31:33 > 0:31:37where you can find out how many paedophiles live on your street.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41The police won't actually tell you exactly where they live,
0:31:41 > 0:31:44they'll just tell you how many there are so's you can have a good gossip
0:31:44 > 0:31:48with your neighbours trying to work out where you think they are.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Obviously helps if you live on a short street.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53If there's only three houses on your street,
0:31:53 > 0:31:56there's going to be a lot of suspicion falling on the old bloke
0:31:56 > 0:32:00who lives across the road who's just lost his job with the ice cream van.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09And they were also criticised for during the volcanic ash crisis,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12they used terrorist legislation to prosecute a bloke
0:32:12 > 0:32:17who's recently lost his appeal, and charged £1,000 for causing a menace.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21What did he do? Well, he went on Twitter. He had 600 followers.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24He was hoping to go and see a girl in Northern Ireland.
0:32:24 > 0:32:30He went on Twitter and said, "Crap, Robin Hood Airport is closed,
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"I'm giving you a week and a bit to get your shit together,
0:32:33 > 0:32:39"otherwise I'm blowing an airport sky high!!"
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Now, surely that is fairly obvious that is an attempted joke.
0:32:42 > 0:32:47It would be difficult to assume that that had come from Al-Qaeda.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Al-Qaeda don't tend to tweet, do they?
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Or use exclamation marks or the word "crap"
0:32:53 > 0:32:57or give you a week and a bit "to get your shit together."
0:33:01 > 0:33:04They've also been criticised because they'd used some Tasers
0:33:04 > 0:33:07during the Raoul Moat killing,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10two Tasers that they weren't authorised to use.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Turns out in America, 43 out of 50 states,
0:33:14 > 0:33:17it's legal for the police to use Tasers.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20But it's also - get this - legal for the general public.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Doesn't that blow your mind?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Oh, if you had a Taser in your back pocket,
0:33:26 > 0:33:29oh, you'd be tempted, wouldn't you?
0:33:29 > 0:33:34Some yob is driving their bike on the pavement, bumps into you - Taser!
0:33:35 > 0:33:39Somebody jumps the queue in Tesco - Taser!
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Next door neighbour's cat shits in your garden - Taser!
0:33:43 > 0:33:48God squad knocking on your door nine o'clock Sunday morning,
0:33:48 > 0:33:50"Can you see the light?"
0:33:50 > 0:33:52"No, but you're about to..."
0:33:52 > 0:33:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:03 > 0:34:04Don't forget the Underground!
0:34:08 > 0:34:10That was a very bizarre heckle.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14That sounded like, "Don't forget the Underground."
0:34:14 > 0:34:16- Was that exactly what the heckle was? - Yes.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Er... I won't forget the Underground.
0:34:21 > 0:34:22No, if you...
0:34:22 > 0:34:26I appear to have been heckled by a Womble, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28APPLAUSE
0:34:30 > 0:34:33If you are worried about missing your Tube, you are safe.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37I will make sure that we get done by that time.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39- Was that you what you were worried about?- I don't...
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Or was it you just wanted me to remember the Underground
0:34:42 > 0:34:45as if I was often wandering round London going, "Fuck me,
0:34:45 > 0:34:48"I wonder how I should get from Shepherd's Bush to Oxford Circus?
0:34:50 > 0:34:54"If only there was a convenient public transport I could use -
0:34:54 > 0:34:56"Oh! The Underground!"
0:35:00 > 0:35:04People are very sensitive now about comedy, especially the BBC -
0:35:04 > 0:35:08anything to do with religion or crime, very, very sensitive about it.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11And because the BBC is licence-fee funded, any complaints they get
0:35:11 > 0:35:14they have to take it very, very seriously.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16So for those of us who wouldn't normally complain,
0:35:16 > 0:35:20we almost need to complain to balance it out against those people
0:35:20 > 0:35:23who are always complaining. And you can actually do it really nicely.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26It's very easy. Go on e-mail, bit of fun -
0:35:26 > 0:35:28"Dear BBC, I believe some people last week,
0:35:28 > 0:35:30"I believe they found something offensive.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33"Now, not only did I not find it offensive,
0:35:33 > 0:35:36"but I found people finding it offensive offensive.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39"And what is more, I would find it even more offensive
0:35:39 > 0:35:42"if you didn't repeat the supposedly offensive material
0:35:42 > 0:35:45"so as I could enjoy it one more time but in fact,
0:35:45 > 0:35:47"enjoy it all the more now
0:35:47 > 0:35:52"knowing it was reoffending the easily offended!!"
0:35:52 > 0:35:56"I'm giving you a week and a bit to get your shit together."
0:36:02 > 0:36:04My favourite complaint to the BBC was in fact
0:36:04 > 0:36:08when Nelson Mandela was released from prison.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11The BBC had pledged that whenever he was released,
0:36:11 > 0:36:13they would cut to it live.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Turned out it was in the middle of an episode of EastEnders.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20And the BBC got a complaint from a lady -
0:36:20 > 0:36:25"Dear BBC, Nelson Mandela had been in prison for 27 years.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28"How come he couldn't have waited another half an hour?"
0:36:33 > 0:36:36And as a small example about how sensitive
0:36:36 > 0:36:41the BBC are at the moment, you'll never hear on any BBC TV show,
0:36:41 > 0:36:44you'll never hear the word "mental" in a comedy show,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46cos they believe at the BBC,
0:36:46 > 0:36:49they think it's offensive to the mentally handicapped.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52My argument would be you actually use it in a very different sense.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54You might say to your mate,
0:36:54 > 0:36:57"Oh, let's get down the pub and get mental."
0:36:57 > 0:37:00You would never say to your mate, "Oh, let's get down the pub
0:37:00 > 0:37:01"and get mentally handicapped."
0:37:04 > 0:37:05You would never say that.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09But according to the BBC, right,
0:37:09 > 0:37:12the correct phrase to use is "cognitively impaired."
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Now, is that going to catch on and if it does, won't we have people down
0:37:16 > 0:37:20the pub taking the piss going, "Let's get cognitively impaired!"?
0:37:21 > 0:37:22Basically, you then think,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25what are the words the BBC are happy for you to use?
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Very happy for you to use "nutter," that's fine. "Nut job," fine.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30"Demented," even, they're happy with that.
0:37:30 > 0:37:31And you're thinking,
0:37:31 > 0:37:35"Well, how come those words, how come they're any better?"
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Surely, you know, you'll have nutters watching the television going,
0:37:38 > 0:37:40"I can't believe he said that!
0:37:40 > 0:37:43"I'm not a nutter! I just went a bit mental."
0:37:49 > 0:37:54Sometimes you despair of television, don't you?
0:37:54 > 0:37:58There was times during the Royal wedding on the BBC News
0:37:58 > 0:38:03I heard a BBC reporter say, "Is Kate the new Diana?"
0:38:03 > 0:38:10No. No, she's not and how freaky would it be for William if she was?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12That is the sort of thing
0:38:12 > 0:38:16you might have seen in the News of the World, but no longer.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17CHEERING
0:38:17 > 0:38:21It appears to have gone down fairly well with this audience.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24I guess this current obsession with celebrity,
0:38:24 > 0:38:27partly it's to do with boredom, isn't it?
0:38:27 > 0:38:30It's amazing what people get up to because of boredom.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34I was recently in a Costcutter supermarket in Edinburgh.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38I bought myself a jar of Hellman's mayonnaise.
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Good times.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43I got that jar home,
0:38:43 > 0:38:47I opened it up looking forward to mixing it with tuna, put my spoon in.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51There was something apart from mayonnaise in that jar.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52And I pulled it out
0:38:52 > 0:38:55and it was a pair of underpants.
0:38:58 > 0:38:59So I thought, "This is quids in. Quids in!
0:38:59 > 0:39:02"Let's send this back to Hellman's, I'm going to get some money."
0:39:02 > 0:39:07Couple of weeks later, I got a letter back from Hellman's.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09This is a photo copy of the letter they sent me.
0:39:09 > 0:39:14I'd like to read you little bit of it, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16"Dear Mr Parsons,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19"We refer to a complaint regarding a 600 gram jar
0:39:19 > 0:39:23"of Hellman's light mayonnaise."
0:39:23 > 0:39:24Looking after myself.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27LAUGHTER
0:39:27 > 0:39:31"We have now received a report from our quality control laboratory.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"Following an examination of the contents of the returned product,
0:39:34 > 0:39:38"our quality manager identified the foreign item present
0:39:38 > 0:39:40"as a pair of underpants.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44"The jar was only half full of mayonnaise,
0:39:44 > 0:39:48"indicating some product had been removed prior to the item being added
0:39:48 > 0:39:51"and there was only mayonnaise present on the underpants
0:39:51 > 0:39:55"on the areas that were touching the product and the sides of the jar.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59"We can definitely confirm that there is no factory source for such an item
0:39:59 > 0:40:02"and furthermore, it would not pass through the filler nozzles
0:40:02 > 0:40:05"present during the manufacturing process.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09"Given these facts, we are sure you will understand our conclusion
0:40:09 > 0:40:12"that the underpants did not enter the product
0:40:12 > 0:40:13"at the point of manufacture."
0:40:14 > 0:40:16They are basically accusing me
0:40:16 > 0:40:20of sticking my own underpants in the jar.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22APPLAUSE
0:40:27 > 0:40:29And you're thinking, well, why didn't I sue them?
0:40:29 > 0:40:32Well, basically it turned out I couldn't sue them
0:40:32 > 0:40:35because I hadn't actually suffered any damage.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37I hadn't swallowed the underpants
0:40:37 > 0:40:40and the only emotional distress I'd been caused
0:40:40 > 0:40:43was phoning up everybody I could think of going,
0:40:43 > 0:40:45"You will not believe this!"
0:40:49 > 0:40:50How unlucky was I?
0:40:50 > 0:40:53In Willy Wonka, they bought a chocolate bar
0:40:53 > 0:40:55and they won a trip round a factory.
0:40:55 > 0:41:00I had bought a jar of mayonnaise and won somebody else's underpants.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02And I presume it was a Hellman's employee -
0:41:02 > 0:41:06they were bored, they hated their job, they thought,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08right, I know what I'm going to do, here we go."
0:41:08 > 0:41:09"What are you doing?"
0:41:09 > 0:41:11"I'm going commando!"
0:41:13 > 0:41:16But I am slightly nervous of telling this story,
0:41:16 > 0:41:20if only because I'm worried that Max Clifford might find out about it
0:41:20 > 0:41:23and then at some stage in the future,
0:41:23 > 0:41:25I might see some ex-Hellmann's employee
0:41:25 > 0:41:30holding up a jar of mayonnaise in a tabloid
0:41:30 > 0:41:33with the headline, "Andy Parsons ate my underpants."
0:41:36 > 0:41:39Well, I guess this Hellmann's employee,
0:41:39 > 0:41:42I guess they were just trying to cope with life
0:41:42 > 0:41:46and I guess that's basically, when it comes to sensitivity over jokes,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48that's essentially where the two debates are.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51It's basically the dividing line
0:41:51 > 0:41:54is people and their coping strategies for tragedy.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Some people, they decide the best way to cope with tragedy
0:41:58 > 0:42:00is to tell what other people regard as sick jokes.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02And then some people go,
0:42:02 > 0:42:04No, that's wrong, that's flippant. I don't want to talk about things,
0:42:04 > 0:42:08"I want to block it out. I don't want to acknowledge things go wrong."
0:42:08 > 0:42:11And I think they're both valid coping strategies for life.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14But if I had to choose between one or the other,
0:42:14 > 0:42:16I would always prefer to talk about something
0:42:16 > 0:42:19because otherwise, to me, if you shut things away,
0:42:19 > 0:42:22there's a chance you might find yourself aged 65, say.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Maybe your partner's left you,
0:42:24 > 0:42:27maybe you've realised your kid's on drugs.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Maybe you think, "I've fought for 40 years,
0:42:29 > 0:42:32"nobody's ever said thank you."
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Maybe you've realised your body's fucked,
0:42:34 > 0:42:38your pension's worthless, your dog's got a tumour and there is no God.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42And you're thinking, the only way is to hang yourself
0:42:42 > 0:42:45and the tragedy is, at that moment,
0:42:45 > 0:42:50you wouldn't even know you could be having a wank at the same time.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56Comedians, we are always supposed to be the most depressed.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00That's what people say. "Oh, yes, tears of a clown."
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Yeah, smiling on the outside but deep down they were miserable.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06And if you meet a lot of comedians, most of them aren't like that.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09I always think the reason that people think comedians are miserable
0:43:09 > 0:43:11is that whenever they meet them off stage,
0:43:11 > 0:43:14they weren't as funny as when they were on stage.
0:43:14 > 0:43:15But surely that is logical?
0:43:15 > 0:43:17You'd be quite surprised, wouldn't you,
0:43:17 > 0:43:20if you walked past my house at six o'clock in the morning
0:43:20 > 0:43:25and I was sat there with the blinds down going, "Ahhhh."
0:43:31 > 0:43:35Comedians want to be happy. We all want to be happy.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38You'd have thought that Adele would want to be happy, wouldn't you?
0:43:38 > 0:43:44Adele's had two multi-award-winning albums - 19 and 21.
0:43:44 > 0:43:4921, supposedly the best selling album this year in the world.
0:43:49 > 0:43:52You think, "Surely she should be happy?" I don't think she is.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54I'm sure some of you've got the album.
0:43:54 > 0:43:58Track number one - Rolling In The Deep.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00Talks about the relationship between her and a man,
0:44:00 > 0:44:04saying they could have had it all but they haven't.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07Track number two - Rumour Has It.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Well, find out why they haven't had it all
0:44:09 > 0:44:13because this bloke has gone and run away with another woman
0:44:13 > 0:44:15and they have it all.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19So then, track number three - Turning Tables.
0:44:19 > 0:44:23This is where Adele says that her and her bloke are fighting a war
0:44:23 > 0:44:26but she doesn't know what they're fighting for.
0:44:26 > 0:44:30I'm guessing they're fighting cos he's fucked off with another woman.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35Then we have, Don't You Remember? Track number four.
0:44:35 > 0:44:39No, he doesn't remember because he's still fucked off.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42So, track number five, she sets fire to the rain.
0:44:42 > 0:44:46But, sadly, the rain burns and she cries.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49So we move on to track number six...
0:44:50 > 0:44:52Don't You Remember?
0:44:54 > 0:44:59It's a repeat of track number four, cos I've got a bootleg copy.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02APPLAUSE
0:45:06 > 0:45:11Proper track number six - He Won't Go.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13Fairly obvious exactly what's happened here.
0:45:13 > 0:45:18He fucked off, he came back, now he won't go.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22So we go on to track number seven - Take It All.
0:45:22 > 0:45:26This is where he has now decided to go and he's taken everything
0:45:26 > 0:45:29and she's not very happy. Track number eight - I'll Be Waiting.
0:45:29 > 0:45:33This is where he went, he wouldn't come back, he did come back,
0:45:33 > 0:45:35he wouldn't go, he took everything
0:45:35 > 0:45:37and she's now waiting for him to come back.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41Track number nine - One And Only. Sounds a bit more promising.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44She has decided that he is the one and only.
0:45:44 > 0:45:49Sadly, he hasn't decided that because he's still fucked off.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52Track number ten - Love Song. You are thinking, "This is good.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55"Surely she's got it together here?" You listen to the lyrics.
0:45:55 > 0:45:59It goes, "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel fun again,
0:45:59 > 0:46:04"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel young again."
0:46:04 > 0:46:07She's only 21!
0:46:07 > 0:46:09How young does he make her feel?
0:46:09 > 0:46:12It sounds like she's finally found somebody to love
0:46:12 > 0:46:15and it's a paedophile!
0:46:15 > 0:46:17APPLAUSE
0:46:21 > 0:46:26So we go to the final track of the album, Somebody Like You.
0:46:26 > 0:46:30This bloke has gone and married somebody else,
0:46:30 > 0:46:33so she wants to try and find somebody like him.
0:46:33 > 0:46:37This is the bloke she fought a war with, made her cry, fucked off,
0:46:37 > 0:46:41came back, took everything, fucked off again,
0:46:41 > 0:46:44married somebody else and made her dress like an 11-year-old.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49Why the hell does she want to find somebody like him?
0:46:49 > 0:46:52Surely she should write a song,
0:46:52 > 0:46:56Somebody Nothing Ever Like You Ever, Ever Again -
0:46:56 > 0:46:59After 12 Songs I've Learnt My Lesson.
0:46:59 > 0:47:02LAUGHTER
0:47:02 > 0:47:04APPLAUSE
0:47:07 > 0:47:11I will be going in a little while, ladies and gentlemen.
0:47:11 > 0:47:17Obviously, it's very sweet of you but we've got tubes to catch...
0:47:17 > 0:47:19LAUGHTER
0:47:20 > 0:47:22APPLAUSE
0:47:25 > 0:47:32Obviously, the tradition is when the comedian leaves, you applaud.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34And depending on how much you applaud
0:47:34 > 0:47:37will depend on whether the comedian comes back.
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Obviously whenever I go and see other comedians,
0:47:40 > 0:47:42I like to applaud really, really heavily,
0:47:42 > 0:47:46especially when I know they haven't in fact got any material left.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50But my advice to you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:47:50 > 0:47:53when I do in fact finally go, not to bother to clap too hard
0:47:53 > 0:47:57because regardless of how hard you cap, I'm not fucking coming back.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03That's at the very end. Obviously, about two minutes before the end,
0:48:03 > 0:48:06like a lot of comedians, I will pretend to go off
0:48:06 > 0:48:09and then if you could all go absolutely apeshit,
0:48:09 > 0:48:11I promise to come back.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14I'll wrap it all up really, really nicely,
0:48:14 > 0:48:16otherwise I'll eke it out very painfully,
0:48:16 > 0:48:19maybe start crying, maybe do a small poo.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24We do want to be happy, and maybe perhaps surprisingly,
0:48:24 > 0:48:27David Cameron has picked up on this.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30He's decided he wants the Office of National Statistics
0:48:30 > 0:48:33to get back to him with a happiness index
0:48:33 > 0:48:35to find out how happy Britain in fact is.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37Seems curious timing, doesn't it?
0:48:37 > 0:48:39When the economy is tanking,
0:48:39 > 0:48:41his government are making loads people redundant,
0:48:41 > 0:48:43there's riots all over the place,
0:48:43 > 0:48:46trying to find out how happy Britain in fact is.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49If he really give a toss about how happy Britain was,
0:48:49 > 0:48:52maybe he'd think about having his bike nicked again.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55I don't know about you, that was a funny day for me.
0:48:55 > 0:49:00If your day ever stinks, dig out the YouTube footage of David Cameron
0:49:00 > 0:49:05coming out of Tesco basically with his bike helmet going...
0:49:05 > 0:49:08LAUGHTER
0:49:10 > 0:49:12It'll cheer you up no end.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16But what David Cameron may find
0:49:16 > 0:49:19is that they've already done loads of studies on happiness.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22Britain is always well down the list of happy countries.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24Top four countries in almost any happiness study,
0:49:24 > 0:49:26usually the Scandinavian countries
0:49:26 > 0:49:29and they reckon that they're the happiest countries
0:49:29 > 0:49:31because they're the most equal.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34We in Britain, we've got a lot wealthier in the last 40 years
0:49:34 > 0:49:38but we've become much more unhappy because we've become more unequal.
0:49:38 > 0:49:42Is it any wonder, maybe, that people in Britain aren't that happy
0:49:42 > 0:49:46if somebody who went to Eton, married to the daughter of a baronet,
0:49:46 > 0:49:51cousin of the Queen, worth conservatively estimated £5 million,
0:49:51 > 0:49:54and is the leader of the country then has the cheek,
0:49:54 > 0:49:57along with his Chancellor, to come out with things like,
0:49:57 > 0:50:01"Oh, we're middle-class and we're one of you
0:50:01 > 0:50:03"and we're all in it together."
0:50:03 > 0:50:06Now that, ladies and gentlemen, THAT is cognitively impaired.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09LAUGHTER If David Cameron...
0:50:11 > 0:50:13APPLAUSE
0:50:13 > 0:50:15If David Cameron is middle-class,
0:50:15 > 0:50:17most of us are halfway up a chimney going,
0:50:17 > 0:50:20# We're a little bit na-na
0:50:20 > 0:50:23# We're a little bit na-na. #
0:50:23 > 0:50:27This is the man who may well actually see
0:50:27 > 0:50:28the break-up of the United Kingdom.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Scotland may decide to leave
0:50:30 > 0:50:33and that must be a tragedy for a Prime Minister
0:50:33 > 0:50:38whose full name is David William Donald Cameron.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40That'd be like losing Yorkshire
0:50:40 > 0:50:45when your full name is Harry Ramsden Boycott Tetley.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47APPLAUSE
0:50:51 > 0:50:55Ladies and gentlemen, we have talked about quite a few things tonight.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57If you ever do go up to a comedian
0:50:57 > 0:50:59and quote some of their jokes back at them,
0:50:59 > 0:51:02you may be surprised to find out they're not that happy.
0:51:02 > 0:51:06People don't like people coming up to them and telling them their jokes.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09Me, I love it. If you could remember some of the jokes, came up to me,
0:51:09 > 0:51:12anything about International Labour Organisation or Zarganar,
0:51:12 > 0:51:15I would love that. But my guess, basically,
0:51:15 > 0:51:18if you do ever think about this gig tomorrow morning,
0:51:18 > 0:51:20all you'll be able to remember
0:51:20 > 0:51:25is that I once found some underpants in a jar of mayonnaise.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27APPLAUSE
0:51:31 > 0:51:35And if nothing else, one should never forget the Underground.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38LAUGHTER
0:51:38 > 0:51:41Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and good night!
0:51:41 > 0:51:43CHEERING
0:51:43 > 0:51:45Thank you.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11Well, that is very kind of you, ladies and gentlemen(!)
0:52:12 > 0:52:14That is most unexpected.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19We do, we do want to be happy.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22It does appear that people try and achieve it in different ways.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24Some people, they achieve happiness
0:52:24 > 0:52:27by sticking their underpants in a jar of mayonnaise.
0:52:27 > 0:52:29Other people appear to achieve it
0:52:29 > 0:52:31by strangling themselves with their own belt
0:52:31 > 0:52:33whilst watching Hannah Montana.
0:52:36 > 0:52:40Oh, has that been the one that pushes you over the edge, has it?
0:52:40 > 0:52:42"Say what you like about Afghanistan
0:52:42 > 0:52:45"but don't you talk about Hannah Montana!"
0:52:45 > 0:52:47I did that joke in Manchester, right?
0:52:47 > 0:52:51Some bloke at the back shouted out, "It's OK, she's 18 now!"
0:52:57 > 0:52:59And if you do want to be happy, think about getting a pet.
0:52:59 > 0:53:02Apparently, it will add years onto your life
0:53:02 > 0:53:03and you'll be much happier.
0:53:03 > 0:53:06My advice to you, not to get a cat.
0:53:06 > 0:53:09We already have 10 million cats in Britain
0:53:09 > 0:53:13and they apparently kill 300 million creatures a year,
0:53:13 > 0:53:15including 55 million birds.
0:53:15 > 0:53:18They are evil fuckers.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21And they are even more evil when you find out that, in fact,
0:53:21 > 0:53:24even if you put a bell on them, they're sufficiently evil
0:53:24 > 0:53:27that they can learn to walk along
0:53:27 > 0:53:30without ever moving their neck whatsoever.
0:53:30 > 0:53:33I think, not only should they have a bell round their neck,
0:53:33 > 0:53:37they should have a bell round each of their paws and their tail as well.
0:53:37 > 0:53:41They should be a feline equivalent of a morris dancer.
0:53:41 > 0:53:43APPLAUSE
0:53:47 > 0:53:49But however, however well things are going,
0:53:49 > 0:53:51don't be too smug and complacent.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54Things can change incredibly quickly.
0:53:54 > 0:53:56As an example of this, I was recently in Finland,
0:53:56 > 0:54:00trying to work out quite how happy those Finnish people were.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03I went to a place called Rovaniemi. I went in the middle of summer.
0:54:03 > 0:54:07You can go see the midnight sun, 24-hour sunshine.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10I cycled all the way up to the Arctic Circle,
0:54:10 > 0:54:14six miles up a big steep hill, went to see Father Christmas.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16He was in fact on his lunch break when I went.
0:54:16 > 0:54:20Oh, yeah, he can deliver 6 billion presents simultaneously
0:54:20 > 0:54:24but he still needs an hour for his f... lunch, ladies and gentlemen.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27So I'm cycling down this hill back into Rovaniemi
0:54:27 > 0:54:28having not seen Father Christmas.
0:54:28 > 0:54:32It's a summers day, I've got my shorts on, having a lovely time.
0:54:32 > 0:54:36As I'm going down this hill, a bumblebee goes up my shorts.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39And you can imagine, I've got a bit of momentum going down the hill.
0:54:39 > 0:54:40It's not easy.
0:54:40 > 0:54:43I take me feed off the pedal and I'm trying to get them bumblebee out.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45You can see the bumblebee blowing around in my shorts.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48And I'm going, "Don't sting me cock! Don't sting me cock!"
0:54:48 > 0:54:51And I can't get it out, and I aim the bike towards a ditch, and I throw the
0:54:51 > 0:54:54bike down and I throw my shorts down, and I knock the bumblebee out.
0:54:54 > 0:54:57It's not stung me, hooray!
0:54:57 > 0:55:01It's at this moment I realise there is a group of schoolchildren
0:55:01 > 0:55:05coming down the hill, having been to see Father Christmas.
0:55:05 > 0:55:10And I'm there going, "Bzz, bzz, bee! It was a bee!"
0:55:10 > 0:55:13And they seem unimpressed. There's a teacher with them.
0:55:13 > 0:55:16He's basically looking at me very suspiciously and I'm thinking,
0:55:16 > 0:55:19"Well, I'm in a foreign country, I could be in a bit of trouble here."
0:55:19 > 0:55:21But I'm thinking, "My wife's cycling behind me,
0:55:21 > 0:55:24"she'll back me up, everything should be fine."
0:55:24 > 0:55:28What I've not thought, how it looks like from my wife's perspective.
0:55:28 > 0:55:32All she has seen is me cycling like an idiot down the hill,
0:55:32 > 0:55:36screaming me head off, heading toward some schoolchildren,
0:55:36 > 0:55:40pulling my trousers down and going, "Wahey!"
0:55:42 > 0:55:45So, fair play to her, she cycled straight past.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50APPLAUSE
0:55:55 > 0:55:58Thank you again. Good night.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01CHEERING
0:56:25 > 0:56:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd