0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27'Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Moyles!'
0:00:27 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Good evening.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Good evening and welcome to Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire on BBC3.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51CHEERING
0:00:51 > 0:00:55We are here tonight at the world-famous Hackney Empire theatre
0:00:55 > 0:00:57in East London, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Tonight is all about comedy.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Right now, waiting backstage,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08we've got some of the funniest and finest comedians
0:01:08 > 0:01:12who were willing to turn up on a cold Monday night in June.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It's going to be a good night.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15It's a big week for Hackney,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19we've got Radio 1's Hackney Weekend coming up this weekend.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- SCATTERED CHEERS - The sound of a few people who have tickets,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25the sound of silence from people that go
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"Bothered? Didn't get one."
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Some of our stand-ups tonight on the show actually come from
0:01:29 > 0:01:30right here in Hackney, which is brilliant,
0:01:30 > 0:01:35because it means we don't have to give them a car home.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38They can walk and then we can use the money we save
0:01:38 > 0:01:40on drugs and boys.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:45 > 0:01:48As I said, this show is Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51it's called that because, for those of you that don't know,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I am Chris Moyles, thank you very much.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I know that might sound like a stupid thing to say
0:01:56 > 0:01:58but there will be viewers at home tonight
0:01:58 > 0:02:01and maybe even some people in the audience going, "Chris Moyles?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03"He's that big, fat bastard off the radio, isn't it?"
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Yes, that would've been true in the old days -
0:02:07 > 0:02:09fat - can't argue with that. Big - yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Bastard...guilty.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I used to be that man but not any more, ladies and gentlemen.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Those were the old days, the days before I lost some weight,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22the days before I started shopping at places other than
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Next for men's sportswear.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Now, I am the new Chris Moyles that you see in front of you tonight.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31The new, improved, slimmer, sexier,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35but don't worry, still a bastard. Yes, I am Chris Moyles.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43What a place Hackney is.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Do we have people from Hackney in the audience tonight?
0:02:46 > 0:02:47CHEERING
0:02:47 > 0:02:52Hackney is amazing. It really is a million-and-one different things.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It's energetic and it's vibrant. It's nothing like the stereotype
0:02:55 > 0:02:58that the television likes to make it out to be,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00it's a little bit like the stereotype.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04But it's moving on. As far as I'm concerned, this place is brilliant.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It's the only place I know where at three o'clock in the morning
0:03:07 > 0:03:09you can get yourself a kebab
0:03:09 > 0:03:11and then pop next door and get your hair braided.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Three o'clock in the morning!
0:03:19 > 0:03:20So, shall we start the show?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26It is going to be a great show for you tonight, you are going to absolutely love it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Please welcome Mark Watson!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Hello.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Hello!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oh, thank you! Oh, it's nice to feel warmth from the crowd like that.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I don't come out and do a great, big thing.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I'm aware that I look unimpressive. I'm really scrawny.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I'm so thin it's becoming sort of a problem.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55After a show people will often say, "Have you eaten?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Like, as if I'm not doing the meals.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Like I've not been told about dinner or something.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I mean, I love food! That's the annoying thing, I'm always eating.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04If someone said to me,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"You have to either give up food or give up sex,"
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I'd say, "No, I don't." And that would be the end of that, I think.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Not falling for that one again, wife.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18It's just my metabolism, I've got an unbelievably fast metabolism.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21By the time you've asked for the bill, I've shat it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Half the time, in restaurants, they don't even know I've been there.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I sometimes wish I had a bit more of a big thing I did at the start,
0:04:28 > 0:04:29I'm just not very rock'n'roll
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and you get to a stage in life, you've got to admit it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33I can never pull it off.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You look at these rock stars, just the attitude, you know?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Rihanna - "make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world."
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I know, what a peculiar thing to wish for!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46What a lonely existence - "the only girl in the world" - that's it!
0:04:46 > 0:04:47It's just you.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52What happens to any netball or hockey teams you're part of? They're gone!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55It's pretty rough on people that have been training to get fit for the new season.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You're going to the toilet on your own,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00a lot of women find that a confronting situation.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03If you've got a niece, she's dead and so it goes on, you know?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Yes, this is the reality of the world that Rihanna has conjured up!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09The more you think about it, the more you wonder
0:05:09 > 0:05:12whether Rihanna's thought through of the repercussions of this lonely,
0:05:12 > 0:05:13bitter existence.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17God, I find it really unattractive this, "I want to be the only one.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"Not just the best - I'm the ONLY girl."
0:05:20 > 0:05:23It's horrible, she's meant to be a sex symbol. I don't find that sexy -
0:05:23 > 0:05:25that narcissism.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26If I were with a girl and she said,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"I want to be the ONLY girl in the world."
0:05:28 > 0:05:32I'd say, "I could do better than that. I'll make you feel like the only PERSON in the world.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"Get in the cupboard, let's see how you like it then?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"While I'm shoving bread through the keyhole,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"you may find that solitude loses its charm."
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I'm looking forward to meeting Rihanna at some point so I can run this past her.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47They're all, Beyonce again - "I don't think you're ready for this,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"my body's too bootylicious for you."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Is it? You don't even know me!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52I think I'll be the judge
0:05:52 > 0:05:55of my bootyliciousness threshold, thank you.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01As I sang in my much-less-successful follow-up single.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I wish that, if I walked out and I was rock star it'd be much more,
0:06:04 > 0:06:08or anything, a celebrity chef, you get celebrity chefs these days
0:06:08 > 0:06:11that's the, comedians are a lower status than them.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I say I like food but I'm clearly not as into food as some people,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I watched one of these, one of these programmes, not MasterChef,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20but similar sort of thing, and this guy was nearly in tears,
0:06:20 > 0:06:21not a competitor - a judge,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24just cos this pastry hadn't worked out as well as hoped,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26he was saying to have pastry,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29filo pastry as crumbly as that, is a crime.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Yeah, exactly, I couldn't help thinking "Not technically, though."
0:06:32 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I mean, you'd certainly be surprised in jail to meet someone,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40"Killed my mother-in-law, mowed down three passers-by, you?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"Very flaky pastry, I just, it was all over."
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Get away from me, you animal!"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47It's, I'm slightly sort of dazed, I've just come back,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49this is true, this might sound like a set up,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52but I've just been to the Euros, I've just come back from Ukraine,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55so it was quite fun, I do recommend going, if you're a sports fan,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58but it's odd, there's a lot of regression,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I'm a football fan, I'm not an aggressive person,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03a lot of England fans were already angry, hadn't even started yet.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I was next to this guy that was going, "Why can't we...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08"We invented the game," this was his thing all through the game,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"This is a disgrace, we invented the game!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12"Can't even win the World Cup!"
0:07:12 > 0:07:14That's not really a good attitude to have,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16cos we invented a lot of things in this country,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18but other countries will catch up in the end,
0:07:18 > 0:07:19we invented the sandwich,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22but, inevitably, other countries will get there in the end.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You don't go to Holland and find people with bread in one hand,
0:07:25 > 0:07:26ham in the other.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"Well, I'm buggered if we know where we go from here!"
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Shove the whole thing in my ears and we'll hope for the best."
0:07:32 > 0:07:35We invented the flushing toilet but you don't go abroad
0:07:35 > 0:07:37and find people shitting by the side of the road...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Well, France, maybe, anyway I, erm...
0:07:40 > 0:07:42CHEERING Thank you, you're going to have a really good night,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45thanks for this, my name is Mark Watson, bye!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:50'Please welcome Marlon Davis!'
0:07:50 > 0:07:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:08:00HE LAUGHS Yes, good evening!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02CHEERING
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Ooh, well, yes.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08First and foremost, what you can actually see is that I got this face.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12People are laughing!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I tell people I do comedy, they're like, "I can tell."
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"What you mean by that?" "You got a funny face."
0:08:17 > 0:08:20That's not a compliment at all, is it?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23It's not. I'm aware of what kind of face that I have,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26it's a friendly face. Yeah, it isn't the face of authority.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I couldn't be your boss at work
0:08:29 > 0:08:32like, "Why you late?" "Come on, now..."
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Got a round face.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I'm aware of it, d'you know what I mean?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41As well as having this face, I got this voice as well.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Yeah, it means I'm not intimidating whatsoever. Look at this,
0:08:44 > 0:08:49you got a front row down here, no-one's scared of me whatsoever.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I'm a comedian, I got a microphone in my hand, no-one cares.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56This is how it is. I grew up in the ghetto, I couldn't rob no-one.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I tried!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"Yo, gimme your money!" "Come on, now..."
0:09:04 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:10HE LAUGHS
0:09:10 > 0:09:14"He looks like Arnold from Different Strokes, come on!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"Give me YOUR money(!)"
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I'm like, "I'm serious!" "'Course you are(!)"
0:09:19 > 0:09:23"Look at his cheeks! Don't you want to pinch his cheeks?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:27It wasn't the life for me, I had to go out and get a real job.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Make some noise if you've got a job.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31AUDIENCE CHEER
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Still got one, but you still have those people in your workplace,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38you know what I'm talking about, people at home know what I'm talking about.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41You get those annoying people in your workplace, don't you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:47If you don't have annoying people at work, it's you. You're the one...
0:09:47 > 0:09:53at work that everybody hates. They always say they're leaving.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57"I'm leaving." Well fucking leave. You've been saying that for ever.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01They don't go. I used to work in an office before I used to do this.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04What used to annoy me the most was birthdays.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Not the fact that it was someone's birthday,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09it's just the big hoo-hah in the office.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13They come round your workstation like they're ninjas.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16HE HUMS
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"What?" "You need to put a pound in the envelope for Karen."
0:10:19 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:32You're like, "Who the fuck's Karen?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:37"She works downstairs. Quickly sign the card before she comes back from lunch.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38"It's a surprise."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40It's not a surprise.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Everyone in the workplace gets a birthday card on their birthday.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46That's not a surprise.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50A surprise would be if the boss came out and did a shit on her desk.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52That would be a surprise.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56It would be childish, but that's just what I am.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Every year you get told you've got to be a bit more mature.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Marks and Spencer's is calling me every year. It's like a magnet.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I'm repelling cos I don't want to be like that.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07But something happens in your life.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11What happened to me is I got a little baby. I got a little baby boy.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's amazing.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16When I first found out I'm having a baby boy, I told the whole world.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"I'm having a boy." They're like, "What are you going to call him?"
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Everyone's got suggestions of what you should call your baby.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24"Why don't you call your baby George?"
0:11:24 > 0:11:29I've got an uncle called George. I don't even like him. I'm not calling my baby George.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"What about Alfie?"
0:11:31 > 0:11:36I was like, "What black man you ever met in your life is called Alfie?"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"What about Mugabe then?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:43Now you're taking the piss. I can't call my baby Mugabe.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46You can't get into nursery with that name.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50I said, "When he comes out, he'll have a name that fits him."
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Some people have names that fit them.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54All Traceys look like Traceys, don't they?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58And Nigels. That's a Nigel. You know when it's a Nigel.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03And all police look racist, it's just...it's just what it is.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06But he came out and we called him Kayden.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11I remember the first time I was in the hospital and I held him in my arms for the first time.
0:12:11 > 0:12:17I was like, "Wow, I've got to work for the rest of my entire life."
0:12:17 > 0:12:19He looked back at me and was like, "You've got a round face."
0:12:19 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER
0:12:23 > 0:12:27He didn't say it, he did that. I know exactly what that is.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Marlon Davis. Wonderful. APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Nice one.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Marlon Davis, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh! Funny, isn't he?
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Isn't he good? Having a good night so far?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49CHEERING
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Brilliant. Next up we have a guy called Pat Cahill.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Pat has been doing very well for himself.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He was a finalist in the BBC New Comedy Awards.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01He's just won New Act Of The Year Award and Chortle Best Newcomer Award.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04In fact, he's getting so cocky, he's not actually here.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Apparently he's just nipped out to get some chicken.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Chicken.- Yeah, go on then.- Nice.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Arete de...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# So I went to my local chicken shop, right, just to get some chicken
0:13:17 > 0:13:21# Vous etes des animaux
0:13:18 > 0:13:21# Nothing flash, just your average household chicken
0:13:21 > 0:13:25# Vous etes des animaux
0:13:22 > 0:13:25# There was 365 different types and I got stressed.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26# Vous etes des animaux
0:13:26 > 0:13:29# Spoke to a lovely man called Keith and this is what happened.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- # Vous etes des animaux - Hi, my name's Keith, how can I help?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33# Hello, Keith, just like some chicken, please
0:13:33 > 0:13:35# What kind of chicken would you like, sir?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37# Just your average household chicken, please
0:13:37 > 0:13:40# We've got 365 different types Why don't you have a look at the menu?
0:13:40 > 0:13:41# Where is the menu, Keith?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43# It's on the counter and the walls and all around you It's everywhere.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- # What d'you mean, everywhere, Keith? - Vous allez crever
0:13:57 > 0:14:02# Fried chicken, diced chicken, Italian herb and spice chicken
0:14:02 > 0:14:05# Thin chicken, fat chicken I can't eat any more of that chicken
0:14:05 > 0:14:09# New chicken, old chicken, covered in a layer of mould, chicken
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# Good chicken, great chicken,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# Carrying a little bit of weight chicken
0:14:13 > 0:14:16# Chicken breast, chicken leg Chicken wing, chicken egg
0:14:16 > 0:14:20# Chicken neck, chicken back Chicken pussy, chicken crack
0:14:20 > 0:14:24# Hey little chicken why so sad because you're carrying a heavy load?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26# Well come on let me deep fry your tits off
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# And I'll carry you across the road
0:14:28 > 0:14:30# What I'm trying to say Keith
0:14:30 > 0:14:31# Is we've just got to strip it back to basics
0:14:31 > 0:14:33# Just get a bucket stick it on the counter
0:14:33 > 0:14:36# And fill it up with some chicken drumsticks
0:14:36 > 0:14:37DRUM ROLL
0:14:37 > 0:14:39# I'm sorry, Keith, that was cheap maybe just a chicken wing
0:14:39 > 0:14:42# And a chicken leg in a cardboard box You got that, Keith? Good
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# Everybody in the shop got that? Join in when you're ready!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box
0:14:46 > 0:14:48# There's too much chicken All together now!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50# Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box
0:14:50 > 0:14:51# There's too much chicken
0:14:51 > 0:14:52# Come on, Keith!
0:14:52 > 0:14:53# Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# There's too much chicken
0:14:55 > 0:14:58# Everybody sing! Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box
0:14:58 > 0:14:59# There's too much chicken. #
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Pat Cahill's here!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Sorry ladies and gentlemen I'm just having a spot of chicken but, um...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:22..I'm on now so I better put my nuggets away.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Yes, this is a hands-free microphone stand.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Manufactured entirely from a coat hanger, thank you, thank you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Why? Well, I suppose it's a combination of two things,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41little bit too much spare time, and a coat hanger.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44You know we've all got a lot of spare time at the moment,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47it's a double dip recession and we're all chasing work,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49so how do we get out of it?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50In my view, you've got to diversify.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Fingers in pies, you see not only is this a hands-free microphone stand
0:15:53 > 0:15:56manufactured entirely from a coat hanger,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59it's also the flagship product in my new business strategy,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03the company is called, get this, Things That Are Now Other Things.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Yeah. There's this and there's three other products.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10There's a jar of jam what is now a jar of coins.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13There's a jar of coins what's now one pound,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15and one pound what's now another jar of jam.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17It's perfect. It pays for itself.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It's called the Jam Sandwich, take notes.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23If that doesn't kick off it's OK, you've just got to have fall-back plans, haven't you?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26The next thing is Things Inside Other Things.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Now this is a cracker. This is a laundrette with a pub in it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Think about it, a laundrette with a pub in it, a nice business strategy.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I like a normal laundrette where you sit there with your ten-year-old copy of Grazia
0:16:37 > 0:16:40trying to squeeze out some joy or you go home and come back.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44No, in this one you put your washing in, and then you go to the bar and socialise.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Bloody good idea, no? That's what I thought.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Till someone pointed out the one fatal flaw in my plan,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53when have you ever walked into a laundrette and thought,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"These are my kind of people."
0:16:55 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Here he is, smelly Bob over here never washed any clothes in his life,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01he's only here for the warmth, bless him, and who's this?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It's crying Susan.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# Crying Susan, crying Susan. #
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Repeatedly washing the clothes of her ex-husband, and who's this?
0:17:08 > 0:17:13Oh, it's desperate Alan, cramming too many duvets into that washing machine, aren't you, Alan?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Why? Cos you're very, very poor, bless you.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Come on everybody, let's go to the bar and sort it out with some Jager Bombs.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22No, it's a terrible idea, terrible idea.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It's Things That Are Now Other Things, not Things Inside Other Things,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28unless you're talking about cooking cos then it could work.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Give us a cheer if you've ever heard of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall?
0:17:31 > 0:17:36CHEER Yeah, well he did a couple of Christmases ago a wonderful recipe
0:17:36 > 0:17:41things inside other things, he did a bird within a bird within a bird within a bird.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44A turkey with a chicken in it, a chicken with a pheasant in it
0:17:44 > 0:17:47and a pheasant with a partridge in it.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48I was very impressed by Hugh,
0:17:48 > 0:17:49but I wasn't going to be outdone,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52so I sent him my recipe for a bird within a bird within a bird bird.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Turkey, chicken, partridge, pheasant, pigeon.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57He wasn't happy sent me a recipe back,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59bird within a bird within... Anyway won't bore you with the process,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03this e-mail conversation went on for about six months, I'll just tell you where we ended up.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05There was a turkey with a chicken in it,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07a chicken with a pheasant in it, a pheasant with a partridge in it,
0:18:07 > 0:18:08partridge with a pigeon in it, pigeon with a black bird in it,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10black bird with a song thrush in it, song thrush with a starling in it,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12starling with a house sparrow in it, house sparrow with a robin in it,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14robin with a wren in it, a wren with a hummingbird in it,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17hummingbird with a moth in it, moth with a bumblebee in it, bumblebee with a wasp in it,
0:18:17 > 0:18:18wasp with a honeybee in it, a honeybee with a ladybird in it,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21a ladybird with a flying ant in it, a flying an with an ear wig in it,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24an ear wig with a fruit fly, a fruit fly with a green fly, a green fly with a flea in it,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26a flea with a head louse in it and a head louse with a crab in it.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:37We put it in the oven for eight-and-a-half hours,
0:18:37 > 0:18:42took it out, it was disgusting, it was like eating evolution.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Should have stuck to the original plan Things What Are Now Other Things,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47so I did a chicken and jam omelette.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Cos in that you got a chicken that used to be an egg
0:18:51 > 0:18:53and an omelette that used to be edible until you put the jam in it
0:18:53 > 0:18:56that used to be coins, that used to be pounds, Things That Are Now Other Things!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"Welcome to Dragon's Den. What's your three-year strategy?"
0:18:59 > 0:19:01First year - break even.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Second year - break down.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Third year - break wind, and break into Duncan Bannantyne's house.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:09And if that doesn't kick off,
0:19:09 > 0:19:10you have to other fall-back plans.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13My final business strategy is straightforward -
0:19:13 > 0:19:14kidnapping.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:18All you got to do is pick a group of vulnerable young women,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and stick them in the back of your car.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Just make sure you drive a pink stretch limousine.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24That way, when they start screaming,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26people just think it's a rowdy hen party.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Thank you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It's a tidy little earner to see you through.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Don't make the mistake I did - to kidnap a real hen party.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41In that situation, you very quickly become the vulnerable one yourself.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Thank you very much. I've been Pat Cahill. Have a wonderful night.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Michelle De Swarte!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Woh! What is gwanning, people?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04If you're not bilingual, hello. How are you?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I think if you can translate
0:20:07 > 0:20:08a hardcore Jamaican ragga tune
0:20:08 > 0:20:11to white, middle-class friends, you're bilingual.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Simple as that, man.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14So, I'm mixed race.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I have a white, Jewish mum,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21who calls me all the time.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24And I have a black, Jamaican dad who doesn't call enough.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Someone's clapping up there.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Definitely not my dad - I know that much.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It's funny, though, man.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Being Jewish and Jamaican, I get on stage
0:20:37 > 0:20:39with all the confidence of a black comedian.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I'm like, "I can do this!"
0:20:42 > 0:20:44And then leave with all the angst of a Jewish one.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"Was it funny? Did they like me?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50"Is it dusty in here?"
0:20:50 > 0:20:53But I do get asked a lot if I'm really Jewish.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Which cracks me up,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58cos I'm like, "Do you know how hard it is to find kosher jerk chicken?"
0:20:58 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:04No-one lies about being Jewish, man!
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Do you know what I mean?
0:21:05 > 0:21:09No-one lies about that, man.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10But I think, when you're mixed race,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13people get this idea in their head
0:21:13 > 0:21:16that your mum and dad probably met at a protest...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:20..made sweet love, down by the fire,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23listening to Ebony & Ivory.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It's romantic, right? It's nice.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28But that weren't the case, OK?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I asked my dad this, and he put it straight.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33He went, "No, Mich. Actually,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"I was drunk, and your mum likes big, black cock."
0:21:35 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:38For real.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43The letters "BBC" have never looked the same since.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:46It's deep, man.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I sound mixed race, right?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52But I can't say it with total confidence,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54cos I grew up in the '80s,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57and I used to call myself "half-caste".
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- CLAPPING - Don't clap it up, man.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Cos then a memo was sent out,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04around the early '90s.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I got mine a little bit late.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Not as late as some footballers.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I got mine a little bit late,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and that memo said that half-caste is now a derogatory term.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Guys, there is nothing worse than someone telling you
0:22:17 > 0:22:19what you've been calling yourself is racist.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Do you know what I mean?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And it makes it hard to like embrace these new terms, cos I'm convinced
0:22:25 > 0:22:28that I'm causing my future self offence.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Like it's only a matter of time before someone goes,
0:22:31 > 0:22:32"So what colour are you?"
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I'll go, "I'm mixed raced man, and they go, "Oh, no, no, no.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36"It's called 'colour merge' now."
0:22:36 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:42You know what I mean? But it's nice to see you guys, man.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44It looks like there's like a lot of couples in here,
0:22:44 > 0:22:45which is reassuring for me,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49cos I don't really think we've got dating culture in this country.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51We've got drinking culture.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53CHEERING
0:22:53 > 0:22:58Yes, wooh! I think that cancels out dating culture.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02In this country what we do is we go out, we get lashed,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- we bang our mate's mate. - LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:09We wake up next to them in the morning, we look at them, and go,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"Are you the sort of person I want to take out for dinner?"
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Then you think, "Nah.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16"Not really."
0:23:16 > 0:23:17You know what I mean?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20When I do go out though, it does take me ages to get ready
0:23:20 > 0:23:25and guys always give us grief about this, don't they?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26I don't think men realise,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29that when us girls are not getting any action, we don't shave,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31at all.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:36If I took off my clothes now,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'd look like I was smuggling the Jackson Five.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It's deep.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51You know you're hairy when you take two Bic razors in the bath with you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55No joke. When I get out the bath, it looks like a swamp.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58There's an inch-thick layer of hair at the top.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02There's alligators swimming through that.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04There' s flamingos sweeping down. There's a redneck,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06on a speedboat with a propeller at the back,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09just driving around the top going, "You ain't from round here",
0:24:09 > 0:24:10like it's a hog mess.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Sometimes, what I like to do is use my body hair
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- as a modern-day chastity belt. - LAUGHTER
0:24:15 > 0:24:19I'll go, "Mich, you know what you're like when you go on a first date..
0:24:19 > 0:24:21"Leave that, cos you'll be too embarrassed to break it out.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- LAUGHTER - But it never works,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26cos come four in the morning, you're dry-humping some geezer
0:24:26 > 0:24:27on a sofa,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29you got to break it out to him.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30You got to let him know what's going on.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34What I like to do is just say, "Do you like the '70s?"
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Do you know what I mean?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43That breaks it in, and most guys are willing to go retro
0:24:43 > 0:24:45for a one night stand, do you know what I mean?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47And it's all good, but then,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50it's like, "Cool."
0:24:50 > 0:24:52But I've heard my guy mates chatting in a pub,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55when they've slept with a girl like me who's let her bits get unruly.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59They're like, "Oh yeah, she was nice, she was fit,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01"but, flipping hell, when I took her knickers off,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03"she looked like she had Bob Marley in a leg lock".
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- LAUGHTER - You lot have been wicked.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07My name's Michelle De Swarte, thanks a lot.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Michelle De Swarte, ladies and gentlemen. Come on!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:17 > 0:25:20How funny, funny.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Coming up now. a man who was born and raised in Dublin
0:25:22 > 0:25:25You might have seen him recently on Live at the Apollo,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Later, he'll be on BBC Three with a new series of his own
0:25:28 > 0:25:29called Conspiracy Roadtrip.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Please give it up for the brilliant Andrew Maxwell!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Yay!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49CHEERING
0:25:49 > 0:25:54So, what a big year! What a big year.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56The Olympics in Stratford, East London.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58CHEERING Yeah!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Sydney, Beijing, Seoul,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Los Angeles, Stratford.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14APPLAUSE
0:26:14 > 0:26:16The Olympics... HE LAUGHS
0:26:16 > 0:26:18..in East London,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21the gunfire capital of Western Europe.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What could go wrong?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28HE LAUGHS
0:26:28 > 0:26:30What could go wrong?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32HE LAUGHS
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Here's something I thought of. Here's one thing.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Exactly which gunshot will the 100 meters begin on?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Everybody knows why the Olympics is in East London,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46because it's such a sporting part of the world(!)
0:26:46 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:51HE LAUGHS
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I was watching during the riots.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56They were interviewing this fat little white boy.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58He was with his big fat mammy,
0:26:58 > 0:27:03and he was there, this little fat kid, he was about ten.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08He had a tracksuit. He was almost as wide as he was tall,
0:27:08 > 0:27:12like a sausage in a tracksuit, this little fat thing.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16He was on the BBC news. "The police are overrun, they cannot cope."
0:27:16 > 0:27:20I'm looking at this, and thinking, "How can you not catch him?"
0:27:20 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:26How can you not catch Greggs - the Boy?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Big events, people It's a big event, the Olympics.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38It's big. It's a big thing.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41We got big events in Ireland,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43we had Barack Obama visited Ireland last year.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45CHEERING
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Oh, yes! We had Barack Obama and he was supported by Jedward.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It's true.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I actually had people going nuts at me.
0:27:56 > 0:28:02"Why are Jedward supporting Barack Obama?"
0:28:02 > 0:28:04People actually getting really angry at me.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I'm like, "Relax! It's a security issue."
0:28:07 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:12"Jedward are the only two Irishmen alive
0:28:12 > 0:28:15"we can GUARANTEE are not in the IRA".
0:28:15 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:26You better believe it, people, you better believe it.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30You try and get a balaclava over that business.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31LAUGHTER
0:28:34 > 0:28:38I met them recently for the first time, Jedward.
0:28:38 > 0:28:43I have got to say, they are absolute sweethearts. But it is not an act.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Oh, they are a pair of crayon-eaters.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54You can't leave them alone with the crayons.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Good. And the Euros have started.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Do you like the footballing life, people?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Do you like football? CHEERING
0:29:01 > 0:29:03You are enjoying it? I do.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08I commend you, English people, for once,
0:29:08 > 0:29:11you are finally taking a leaf out of the Irish tournament book.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Lower your expectations.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16Lower them.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Lower.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Lower.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Yeah, then you will enjoy your life.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29When Ireland qualifies for a major sporting tournament,
0:29:29 > 0:29:31we don't think we are going to win!
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Our media isn't going, "We're going to win, we're going to win!"
0:29:34 > 0:29:38We are just like, "We are there! we are there! We are there!"
0:29:39 > 0:29:41"Look at us. Look at us!"
0:29:42 > 0:29:47"Look at our rainbow of colours, all laughing and having fun together."
0:29:47 > 0:29:49The world is a mess, people!
0:29:49 > 0:29:51We need to learn to get along.
0:29:51 > 0:29:56Or at least all hate the Olympics together.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59We need to get along. The world's a mess.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02It is all men's fault. Right?
0:30:02 > 0:30:04FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes!
0:30:04 > 0:30:06It is all men's fault. We have made a mess of it.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10We have made a mess of this world. You ladies, clean it up.
0:30:10 > 0:30:15APPLAUSE
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Clean it up!
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Yep!
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Go in peace, Hackney. See you later, thank you.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Andrew Maxwell!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Having fun? We should do this every week.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47This next man was born in England,
0:30:47 > 0:30:50then he spent one year in India,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52then he went to Saudi Arabia...
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- CHEERING - Thanks.
0:30:54 > 0:30:59Then he went to America, and he is back in London again tonight.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Please welcome Arnab Chanda.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Hello. How are you? All right.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Enjoying the weather?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18All right. Party(!)
0:31:21 > 0:31:25Here is a tip though,
0:31:25 > 0:31:27as it gets warmer and warmer.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30Remember, it is really hard to make an angry exit
0:31:30 > 0:31:33when you are wearing flip-flops.
0:31:37 > 0:31:43When I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with another man, I was irate.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47But to them, my exit just seemed summery.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56But you guys probably already know that.
0:31:56 > 0:32:01I do like it when people say to me, "Tell me something I don't know."
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Whenever somebody says that to me
0:32:03 > 0:32:07I'm like, "You are going to be dead in less than 24 hours."
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Then I skip away.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16I am slightly obsessed with death. How can you not be?
0:32:16 > 0:32:22Right? I think when I die I want a bench made.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25ISOLATED LAUGHTER Thank you.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28And one other guy, weirdly.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32I want a bench erected in a park in my memory.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Because, and this may be weird,
0:32:34 > 0:32:40but even now, I like it when strangers sit on me and fart.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Is that weird?
0:32:51 > 0:32:55But no, I am not an optimistic person.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58I am not an optimistic person.
0:32:58 > 0:33:03You know that button on Google.com, I am feeling lucky?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06I have never clicked that.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13One day. One day.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18I like to laugh, though. It is good, it is one of my favourite things.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20People like to laugh, that is good.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22I do not know if this has ever happened to you,
0:33:22 > 0:33:23the other day I was eating breakfast,
0:33:23 > 0:33:27and I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nipples.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Anyone else? Just me.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Just me. OK.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39I wish I was...
0:33:39 > 0:33:42That would be a cool superhero thing to have.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Milk coming out of my nipples.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48My favourite superhero though is Superman.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52Always has been, always will be. I love Superman.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55I like how Superman is able to go back in time
0:33:55 > 0:33:59just by spinning the world backwards.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Like, I can't even imagine, like,
0:34:01 > 0:34:06fathom the effort and energy that must take.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11Because like one time I tried pushing a revolving door
0:34:11 > 0:34:16in the opposite direction of where it was supposed to go.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20And, like, honestly, between you and me, like, I couldn't do it.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30Superman II, that was my favourite film growing up as a kid.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33One of the worst films, Superman III. Strangely.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35And if you have not seen it,
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Superman turns evil.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Yes. Superman turns evil.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42What's weird is the way in which they show that Superman turns evil -
0:34:42 > 0:34:46is, uh...he becomes a bit rapey.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Just becomes a little bit of a sex pest.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56Sits down on a couch and nearly takes advantage of a woman.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Luckily he doesn't. He snaps out of it and he leaves.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01But what is weird, and this is the weird part -
0:35:01 > 0:35:04the next evil thing he does is he flies to Italy
0:35:04 > 0:35:08and straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
0:35:11 > 0:35:16Here, writers of Superman III, you can't trump rape.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Once you've thrown rape out there... Plus, straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26that doesn't even seem that evil, really.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28It is like, "Hey, you know that building
0:35:28 > 0:35:32"that is always dangerously close to collapsing on somebody's head?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34"Superman straightened it."
0:35:34 > 0:35:37"What? What the fuck is that guy's problem, man?!"
0:35:37 > 0:35:39"Dude, I know, he is a dick!"
0:35:43 > 0:35:46That's it from me. You guys have been very nice. Have a wonderful evening. Thank you.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Arnab Chanda, everybody!
0:35:55 > 0:35:59I urge all of you here tonight at the Hackney Empire and everybody watching at home,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01if there is someone you have seen tonight
0:36:01 > 0:36:03and you thought, "My God, they are brilliant",
0:36:03 > 0:36:05go and find out more about them, go and see them live.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Doc Brown is our next man who is coming out on stage tonight.
0:36:09 > 0:36:14He is very funny. He began his career as a battle rapper.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17You know, with the competing in the live rap battles.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20And so did I. I used to be a battle rapper.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Sorry, no, I worked at Top Man. I get that wrong every time.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Doc Brown is here.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:38 > 0:36:43Hackney. Always a pleasure, man.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Always a pleasure being at the centre of Hackney.
0:36:46 > 0:36:53I actually moved to Hackney myself back in the year 2002.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55BH.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Before hipsters.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04That was back in the day when walking through Hackney
0:37:04 > 0:37:08with loafers with no socks and an ironic moustache
0:37:08 > 0:37:10could still get you shot.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12It was a simpler time.
0:37:15 > 0:37:20But you know, it's always... It is the diversity of Hackney,
0:37:20 > 0:37:21being a born and bred Londoner myself,
0:37:21 > 0:37:23it's the diversity I love, man.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25I love it. It is beautiful.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Always makes me feel at home.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29It is weird in this job, travelling around, city to city,
0:37:29 > 0:37:31different country sometimes,
0:37:31 > 0:37:34I hate being in those cities where I actually have to ask the question.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I have to go up to a stranger and ask.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41Like, "Excuse me, where do you keep your blacks?"
0:37:46 > 0:37:52"You know, your, uh... your black people.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55"Where...? Where are they?"
0:37:57 > 0:37:59"Where are they?"
0:37:59 > 0:38:04"Before you start pointing to that one across the road, he's with me."
0:38:08 > 0:38:13Diversity, for me, is like, it's second nature,
0:38:13 > 0:38:14this is what I'm all about.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17I'm not from Hackney, I'm from Kilburn,
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Kilburn in north-west London.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24Or north Wheezy if you've got problems.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28It's diverse.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Traditionally, if you don't know the area,
0:38:30 > 0:38:34traditionally it's a very Irish, Jamaican area.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37I would have loved to have been around
0:38:37 > 0:38:39when they came up with that concept as well.
0:38:39 > 0:38:44Tell you what, let's get two of the tiniest islands in the world,
0:38:44 > 0:38:48with two of the craziest inhabitants.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52Stick them together, see what happens.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57As it turns out, a lot of sex.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00A lot of sex.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Rivers of Guinness.
0:39:04 > 0:39:05Children that look like me.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11I've been lucky enough, to be part of the generation I am,
0:39:11 > 0:39:16I've never experienced any serious prejudice growing up in the UK.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17It's been beautiful.
0:39:17 > 0:39:22However, the Iro-Caribbean community that preceded me...
0:39:26 > 0:39:32That's my terminology, take that one with you.
0:39:32 > 0:39:37Yes, the Iro-Caribbean community that preceded me,
0:39:37 > 0:39:41they put up with a lot of shit I never had to deal with.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43Back in the late '50s, early '60s,
0:39:43 > 0:39:46you'd see certain shops, certain lodgings,
0:39:46 > 0:39:50the odd nightclub even, that had hand-drawn posters in the window.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55It would say, "No Blacks, no Irish, no Dogs."
0:39:55 > 0:39:57I'm serious, this is history.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01Obviously, things have improved massively today.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Not so much for dogs.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Uh, but you know,
0:40:15 > 0:40:20having not experienced that direct level of injustice,
0:40:20 > 0:40:23imagine me as a youngster, I was always fascinated by it.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27Being a youngster and being a wannabe rapper as well,
0:40:27 > 0:40:29I was always on the lookout for injustice,
0:40:29 > 0:40:31it made for a good lyric, you know what I mean?
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Trust me, there were times
0:40:33 > 0:40:36when I felt like it was like me against the world.
0:40:36 > 0:40:40In those moments, you've always got to remember it's not you,
0:40:40 > 0:40:42it's them, OK?
0:40:42 > 0:40:46HE RAPS: Because when you're down and out and you're really up against it,
0:40:46 > 0:40:48just remember the basics.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50It's a mantra, repeatedly say this.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53You're not a loser, it's just everybody's racist.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Yeah, that's right, I said it.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Why do you think nobody ever gave you any credit.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Why you lost on the list of your doctor's patients,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03chronological or is your surgery racist?
0:41:03 > 0:41:07What type of dog shits on the pavement in front of your house?
0:41:07 > 0:41:08Alsatian? Racist.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Say you're typing in a search engine,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14trying to write haterz with a Z at the end.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Your computer goes, did you mean haters?
0:41:17 > 0:41:20That's how you know Google's racist.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23How come every time an igloo's made, it's always white?
0:41:23 > 0:41:25And Eskimos? Racist.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Tonight you know the truth at its plainest.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31You car won't start? Engine, racist.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Your team don't pick you, these guys, racist.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Jeans don't fit you? Levi's, racist.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39If you can't lose weight, every time you try it,
0:41:39 > 0:41:41I guarantee your diet is racist.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44On your birthday, it rained in places.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Fuck the clouds, the whole sky is racist.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49You go on iPod, shuffle in the play list,
0:41:49 > 0:41:51it ain't picked reggae in a while? Racist.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54How come every time you get to the queue,
0:41:54 > 0:41:56you're the last in the queue?
0:41:56 > 0:41:59Dude, that queue's racist.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Then when you get to the front, the staff say, hey, thanks for waiting.
0:42:02 > 0:42:03That's racist.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06The whole Post Office are skanks,
0:42:06 > 0:42:08why do you think they try to sell you second-class stamps?
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Two words - institutional racism.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13You go to Nando's, suddenly they make chicken.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16You might want couscous or just soup.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19Too late, man, they already charged you.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22When you're down and out and you're really up against it,
0:42:22 > 0:42:24just remember the basics.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28It's a mantra, repeatedly say this,
0:42:28 > 0:42:31you're not a loser, it's just everybody's racist.
0:42:33 > 0:42:37Hackney, thank you very much.
0:42:37 > 0:42:41Doug Brown, ladies and gentlemen.
0:42:41 > 0:42:42Yeah!
0:42:44 > 0:42:47I love that. Love it.
0:42:47 > 0:42:51Our next comic has worked with Michael McIntyre.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54No biggie, so have I.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59No, I didn't, I went to Top Man, did it again.
0:42:59 > 0:43:03Almost ten years ago, she entered a comedy contest
0:43:03 > 0:43:07called the Hackney Empire New Act Competition.
0:43:07 > 0:43:12Ten years ago. She's back tonight to find out if she's won.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ava Vidal.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29Hello. Thanks, Chris, no, I didn't win.
0:43:30 > 0:43:34I did work with Michael McIntyre, I did the Michael McIntyre Show,
0:43:34 > 0:43:37and that led to nothing.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39It's one of those things you do and your friends
0:43:39 > 0:43:41get more excited than you do.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44My friend's like, "My God, you did McIntyre's show.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48"Have things changed?" I'm like, "Yeah, for McIntyre, not for me!
0:43:49 > 0:43:52He actually sold out the O2 Arena over five nights.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54That's huge, selling out the O2.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56Just last week,
0:43:56 > 0:44:00O2 refused to give me a contract phone, so...
0:44:00 > 0:44:02LAUGHTER
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Ten years in, this is how it's going.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08Doing that show got me into a lot of problems with my family,
0:44:08 > 0:44:10with my daughter.
0:44:10 > 0:44:14My daughter was very angry with me for speaking about her.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17The thing is, my daughter's nearly 18-years-old now.
0:44:17 > 0:44:21And you know when you meet people in life that are fucked up,
0:44:21 > 0:44:24and you're like, "What happened to you?" They go, "My parents!"
0:44:24 > 0:44:29Because my daughter's 18, I just want her to go.
0:44:29 > 0:44:30LAUGHTER
0:44:30 > 0:44:33But I'm worried because I don't want her out in the world,
0:44:33 > 0:44:36slagging me off, so I thought I'd get a little disclaimer going.
0:44:36 > 0:44:40I sat down and went, "Listen, do you think I've been a good mother?"
0:44:40 > 0:44:43And she said, "No." I said, "Why?" And she goes,
0:44:43 > 0:44:46"You're an idiot. You're embarrassing.
0:44:46 > 0:44:51"You go on TV telling stupid jokes about me.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54"You went on TV and you told people
0:44:54 > 0:44:57"that I was fat."
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Now, I did do that!
0:44:59 > 0:45:02Hilarious!
0:45:02 > 0:45:04LAUGHTER
0:45:04 > 0:45:08She doesn't see it that way. But it amazes me...
0:45:08 > 0:45:11it amazes me how many people actually believe me.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14I had people that e-mail me to this day and go, "Hi, Ava.
0:45:14 > 0:45:18"How are you? How's your fat daughter?"
0:45:18 > 0:45:22If my daughter was fat, I would not go on TV and say it.
0:45:22 > 0:45:26If my daughter was fat, I wouldn't keep her. It wouldn't be an issue.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29LAUGHTER
0:45:29 > 0:45:31So I said to her, "What's it going to take
0:45:31 > 0:45:34"for you to get over it?" She goes, "I won't get over it.
0:45:34 > 0:45:35"You're a liar!" Blah-blah.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38I was like, "Please, just tell me something."
0:45:38 > 0:45:41What she actually did was she went out and got some
0:45:41 > 0:45:44professional photographs taken and blown up to poster size,
0:45:44 > 0:45:47and I was going away to do some shows and she handed me
0:45:47 > 0:45:51this envelope and I looked in it and went, "What's this?"
0:45:51 > 0:45:53She went, "Here, Mum. Take these to your gigs.
0:45:53 > 0:45:55"Show the people."
0:45:58 > 0:46:00I was like, "Baby, I will, I will!"
0:46:00 > 0:46:02I won't.
0:46:03 > 0:46:05Because she's not fat, but, ohh,
0:46:05 > 0:46:07she's fucking ugly and there's no need...
0:46:07 > 0:46:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:46:11 > 0:46:14No need to put innocents through that.
0:46:14 > 0:46:18I have another child who's now upset. I've got a son.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20I've a 13-year-old son and he's really quite angry.
0:46:20 > 0:46:23He's like, "You go on TV and talk about my sister.
0:46:23 > 0:46:27"You don't talk about me. People don't even know you got two kids."
0:46:27 > 0:46:29I'm like, "No, I make that quite clear.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31"I've always said in my comedy I've got two children..."
0:46:33 > 0:46:34"..that I know of!" (Yeah!)
0:46:34 > 0:46:36LAUGHTER
0:46:38 > 0:46:42That was unnecessary. I actually saw a male comedian do that once.
0:46:42 > 0:46:46I thought it was cool. Just realised it doesn't work the other way round, so...
0:46:46 > 0:46:48I'm going to stop doing it.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Listen, you've been fantastic. I've been Ava Vidal.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52Thank you very much. Good night.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:57 > 0:46:58Ava Vidal, ladies and gentlemen.
0:46:59 > 0:47:02All right. We're going to go for it, OK?
0:47:02 > 0:47:07The next act might be a bit of a whirlwind. Please strap yourself in.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10If you're sitting at home, remove any hot drinks away from your lap.
0:47:10 > 0:47:15Ladies and gentlemen, go crazy nuts. It's Mr Jason Byrne!
0:47:15 > 0:47:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:24 > 0:47:26Oh...
0:47:26 > 0:47:29Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:29 > 0:47:32Holy shit! I am Irish.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34Irish people here? "Yay!" OK.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36CHEERING Thank you!
0:47:36 > 0:47:40Open the ceiling near the bars, well done, that's good.
0:47:40 > 0:47:46But anyway, I have got a mammy and... You call them mammies here, yeah?
0:47:46 > 0:47:48CHEERING Do you call... Oh, my God,
0:47:48 > 0:47:51the atmosphere in here is fucking electric, isn't it?
0:47:51 > 0:47:55LAUGHTER "Do you call them mammy?" "Yeah, we call them mammies, JUST MOVE ON!"
0:47:57 > 0:48:00"We need to do the wee-wees, Jason, we need to do the wee-wees!"
0:48:02 > 0:48:06Now I have a mammy, all right? HE LAUGHS
0:48:06 > 0:48:09They're unbeliev... They're so important. They're amazing.
0:48:09 > 0:48:11Cos when I was a kid, it was unbelievable.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14When you were in a house growing up in the '70s and the '80s, right,
0:48:14 > 0:48:18it was your father that you were terrified of, right?
0:48:18 > 0:48:21Cos he was the big, loud fella with the huge fists, right,
0:48:21 > 0:48:23that's the guy you were frightened of, yeah?
0:48:23 > 0:48:26But he never, ever laid a finger on you.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29It was the mad bitch dwarf that beat the shit out of you.
0:48:31 > 0:48:35Chasing you around the house. You making it worse by laughing
0:48:35 > 0:48:38as she chased you, just going, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:48:39 > 0:48:43"Get away from me, you mad bitch!" HE LAUGHS
0:48:43 > 0:48:47And she said the same thing every time.
0:48:47 > 0:48:52She'd grab a hold of you and go, "Wait till your father gets home,
0:48:52 > 0:48:57"he's going to kill you, kill you, your father is going to kill you!
0:48:57 > 0:49:00"Put your leg across the table. You're dead when he comes in!"
0:49:03 > 0:49:07She's only this size! Terrifying.
0:49:07 > 0:49:10And do you know what she did, cos young people won't even get this...
0:49:10 > 0:49:12She used to take off her slipper... You have slippers here, yeah?
0:49:12 > 0:49:14Anyway, right.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16She'd take off her slipper.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18But in the '70s and the '80s, it wasn't a soft shoe.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21Cos women in those days had a kind of a weird sandal
0:49:21 > 0:49:24that squashed their toes up all miserable and horrible.
0:49:24 > 0:49:27And it had a hard cork shell on the end of it, right.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30Like if mothers weren't miserable enough,
0:49:30 > 0:49:32they had to walk around in these horrible shoes.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37Trying to carry 14 bags of shopping.
0:49:43 > 0:49:48The hate is unbelievable inside them.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50They're unreal. So my mum, right...
0:49:50 > 0:49:53You'd just be sitting watching the telly and you'd say something,
0:49:53 > 0:49:57and she'd take off her shoe and just throw it at your head.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59That's illegal now, yeah?
0:49:59 > 0:50:03You'd be sitting there with half your head open.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08And your mother would look at you and say the most scary thing ever.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11She'd go, "Bring it back."
0:50:11 > 0:50:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:50:14 > 0:50:15"WHAT?!"
0:50:18 > 0:50:23"Bring it back. Pick it up and bring it over here."
0:50:23 > 0:50:28You'd have to pick up the slipper and bring it over to her very slightly.
0:50:29 > 0:50:33Be like handing a psychopath a shotgun. "Just bring it in."
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Just lift it in like that,
0:50:35 > 0:50:37just give it to her. Because you knew what was going to happen.
0:50:37 > 0:50:41Cos she'd go, "I won't hit you, I won't hit you."
0:50:41 > 0:50:45And you'd give her the slipper and she'd go, "Run! RUN!"
0:50:45 > 0:50:49"Zigzag! Zigzag! Make it gamey! Make it gamey, you little shit!
0:50:49 > 0:50:51"Make it gamey!"
0:50:53 > 0:50:57And then, when your father arrived in in the car after work,
0:50:57 > 0:51:01up the drive, she went ballistic. "Here he is!
0:51:01 > 0:51:03"Here he is!"
0:51:04 > 0:51:08"You're dead now. You're dead! Your father's home!
0:51:08 > 0:51:12"He's going to kill you! You're dead. Where's me flamethrower?!"
0:51:12 > 0:51:17IMITATES FLAMETHROWER "YOU'RE DEAD!"
0:51:17 > 0:51:22Your dad would walk into the room, the newspaper under his arm.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25"What the...?"
0:51:25 > 0:51:29You're sitting on the couch with your brothers and sisters, all bruised.
0:51:29 > 0:51:33Bits of hair missing, clothes torn.
0:51:35 > 0:51:37HE IMITATES GROANING
0:51:39 > 0:51:41"Mum said you were going to kill us."
0:51:41 > 0:51:44LAUGHTER
0:51:44 > 0:51:46But he didn't do anything. Your dad didn't care.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49He just walked straight past you, went to the toilet
0:51:49 > 0:51:50and had a shit. Right?
0:51:52 > 0:51:56Cos that's what your dad's job was - working and pooing. That's what he did.
0:51:57 > 0:52:00And it's... HE LAUGHS
0:52:00 > 0:52:02It's great, cos I've got kids. How many people have got kids?
0:52:02 > 0:52:05SCATTERED CHEERING Seven. Right.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08LAUGHTER I love the British,
0:52:08 > 0:52:10it's great, cos yous are, yous are as miserable as the Irish.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12It's fantastic, yeah?
0:52:12 > 0:52:16When you want to join in with stuff, "Yeah! Yeah. Yeah..."
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Cos, like, Irish are a nation of begrudgers and so are you.
0:52:22 > 0:52:26It's unreal. Like, if somebody... HE LAUGHS
0:52:26 > 0:52:28If somebody in America gets a new car or a new job, yeah,
0:52:28 > 0:52:31they're really happy. I've been there, I've seen it, right.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34IN AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, totally got a new job,
0:52:34 > 0:52:35"let's have a barbeque."
0:52:36 > 0:52:40"Did you get a new car? He got a new car! That's fantastic!"
0:52:40 > 0:52:43LAUGHTER
0:52:43 > 0:52:45Like, here... HE LAUGHS
0:52:45 > 0:52:47"I got a new car." "Did you? I hope you crash it."
0:52:47 > 0:52:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Miserable...
0:52:55 > 0:53:00But it's weird, yeah. Cos the kids these days, I'm looking out at you.
0:53:00 > 0:53:04It's so different when I was a kid, do you know what I mean? As the mammies used to watch us.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07But, like, there is no Wii or Nintendo that could ever
0:53:07 > 0:53:09replace the fun you had as a kid when I was as kid, right?
0:53:09 > 0:53:12Cos kids just don't really get out any more.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16They just sit inside. IMITATES MOANING
0:53:21 > 0:53:23HE LAUGHS
0:53:23 > 0:53:26Just don't walk outside!
0:53:26 > 0:53:29When I was a kid, like, girls were segregated from boys.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31Unbelievable, right?
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Girls were playing weird games when I was a kid.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36They'd put elastic bands around their ankles
0:53:36 > 0:53:40and make weird shapes with each other, right? Really weird stuff.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43And they'd also be able to get balls and throw them against the wall
0:53:43 > 0:53:48and just go, "Throwing balls against a wall, balls against a wall, balls against a wall."
0:53:48 > 0:53:50And then out of nowhere,
0:53:50 > 0:53:53while doing that, they could stop and turn to a girl beside them and go,
0:53:53 > 0:53:58"A sailor went to sea, sea, sea to see what she could see, see, see.
0:53:58 > 0:54:01"Sea, sea, sea, sea, sea. Balls, balls, elastic bands,
0:54:01 > 0:54:04"elastic bands, sea, sea, sea, balls, balls.
0:54:04 > 0:54:07APPLAUSE Right?!
0:54:07 > 0:54:08And...
0:54:12 > 0:54:16And what did blokes do then? We were so simple.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19It was literally a game like this. "Nearest to the ground
0:54:19 > 0:54:21"is the winner!"
0:54:21 > 0:54:24LAUGHTER "No!
0:54:24 > 0:54:29"I'm nearer!" "No way!" "Oh, I'm definitely nearer!"
0:54:32 > 0:54:34Or another common thing to do to tease the girls
0:54:34 > 0:54:38was I would run into the girls' area with poo on the end of a stick.
0:54:40 > 0:54:44It's the best fun ever. "Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!"
0:54:47 > 0:54:49But I'll just... HE LAUGHS
0:54:49 > 0:54:52I'll just finish on this. Cos this is...
0:54:52 > 0:54:57I've gigged all over the world, and every time I show this, the whole world agree with this.
0:54:57 > 0:55:01But this is the most frightening thing to ever see your mother doing.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03While you're out the back garden
0:55:03 > 0:55:05playing with your brother or sister, OK,
0:55:05 > 0:55:09and both of you are just having a little bit of fun together.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13And then you, right outside the kitchen window, in the garden,
0:55:13 > 0:55:17you punch your sister and she starts to scream, crying, yeah?
0:55:17 > 0:55:22Well, out of nowhere, this is the most frightening thing to ever see your mother do from the house.
0:55:22 > 0:55:25So you punch her, she goes, "Waaa!" and your mother, from the house...
0:55:25 > 0:55:28KNOCK ON MIC
0:55:28 > 0:55:31APPLAUSE
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million!
0:55:42 > 0:55:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:52 > 0:55:55Jason Byrne, ladies and gentlemen.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58Brilliant.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01That is it for tonight. You have been an amazing audience.
0:56:01 > 0:56:04That's the end of the show, thank you for watching.
0:56:04 > 0:56:07A huge thank you and round of applause to every one of our acts tonight.
0:56:07 > 0:56:10- They've all been class. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:10 > 0:56:14If you liked what you saw tonight, go to the BBC3 website,
0:56:14 > 0:56:16there's more videos and exclusive content. Do it now.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19I've been Chris Moyles. This has been my Comedy Empire.
0:56:19 > 0:56:23- Till the next one, goodnight, Hackney! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:28 > 0:56:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd