0:00:02 > 0:00:15This programme contains strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:29This programme contains adult humour
0:00:36 > 0:00:42Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Greg Davies.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53How lovely. Thank you very much.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Hello, hello, hello, all right? Hello. ALL: Hello.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Thanks for coming, nice to be here.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Um... Yes, well, there we are.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06A quick flash through my childhood
0:01:06 > 0:01:10and there is the horrific up-to-date specimen.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Nice to have this immortalised.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Hello. ALL: Hello.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I'll apologise, before we start, for this shirt.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25As you can see, it is clearly for a man three feet shorter than me.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I thought I'd got away with it because I've done
0:01:27 > 0:01:31that classic fat-man thing of combining an ill-fitting shirt
0:01:31 > 0:01:33with a T-shirt,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35not realising that this clearly also doesn't fit me.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I can only apologise to you and the people at home, indeed.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44As I get more animated during the show, as I surely will...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I don't know what that was.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51..you're going to see a lot more of me than you bargained for.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm very sorry. The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease
0:01:54 > 0:01:57is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I'm 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows
0:02:10 > 0:02:12into the anus of a cat.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Thought I'd start low, build it up.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There's kind of two versions of the show - clean and dirty.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I'm going to go with dirty, based on that reaction.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28My show, ladies and gentlemen, is called Firing Cheeseballs At A Dog.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Why is that, Greg? Why is that, Greg? I'll tell you.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I went on holiday last year with a friend and colleague of mine,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Marek Larwood. Yay! He's a small bald man. There we are.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Some people know him, he's hilarious. We decided...
0:02:39 > 0:02:43And this is an insult to every person in the country with a job.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45We decided, last year,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48that through our work, we had become incredibly stressed.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Now, look at what I do for a living. It's not hard work, right?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53We thought we were terribly stressed.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"We will have to go and discover ourselves!"
0:02:56 > 0:03:01We hired a remote cottage on a mountainside in Andalucia in Spain.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Two things happened in the remote hideaway
0:03:05 > 0:03:07that gave the show its title.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Number one, day one, I almost died. Right?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12QUIET LAUGHTER Thank you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I got electrocuted. I genuinely got electrocuted.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I picked up a wire in this cottage,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19thinking it was just an innocent wire. It was live.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I took 300 volts through my fat carcass,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I danced off the end of that wire
0:03:25 > 0:03:28like an out-of-shape epileptic Michael Flatley.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32It was one of the more humiliating sights you will ever see -
0:03:32 > 0:03:36a 6'8", 20-stone man screaming like a child.
0:03:36 > 0:03:42I was going, "No, please! Please! Let me live, let me live!"
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I finally freed myself from the thing,
0:03:45 > 0:03:46I ran round to find Marek.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I went, "Did you not hear me?" He went, "What?"
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I said, "Did you not hear me screaming?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"I've just been electrocuted!" This is a side point, really.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56He said, "Yes, I heard you screaming.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59"I just thought you'd seen a spider."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02To make me scream like that,
0:04:02 > 0:04:03it would have to have been a giant spider
0:04:03 > 0:04:06with Peter Mandelson on its back, wanking.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I managed to calm myself down and waited for what I think is
0:04:13 > 0:04:16a God-given right for anyone who's almost died -
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I waited for my epiphany.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21The moment where I would understand life,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23cos if you almost die, that's what happens, right?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You suddenly understand life better.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I waited for ten hours. I gave up in the end and fell asleep.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Day two, incident two,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Marek and I came down the little winding concrete track
0:04:34 > 0:04:38from the house on the hill in our hire car to buy provisions
0:04:38 > 0:04:40for the whole week away.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Now, I am an adult, right? I am 42 years of age, hard to believe.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Marek is an adult.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52After one hour of shopping for seven days away,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55we returned up the mountain track with two things.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I had bought a massive bag of these - Cheeseballs.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03They are a round, Wotsit-like snack, they are nutrition-free,
0:05:03 > 0:05:08they will sustain a human being for six fucking seconds.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13If you think THAT'S pathetic, Marek had bought a catapult.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17That's it, right? For a whole week away.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20We were driving back up the mountain track going,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22"Yeah, that'll do! We'll survive on that for a whole week!"
0:05:22 > 0:05:26When we met the first character of my story,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30we met this character here. A dog. It was the dog.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It was sitting in the middle of the track,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35blocking the path of the hire car.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37If I'm honest with you, it pissed me off straight away.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I gave it a little beep on the horn. In my mind, the dog did this.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48What the fuck is this?
0:05:49 > 0:05:54I gave him another little beep and in my mind, the dog did this.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Oh, my God.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03So I gave him a third beep and in my mind, the dog did this.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09("MEXICAN" ACCENT) "Yes! Yes, my friend!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"I block your path!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"I will...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"I will not move for you!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20"And yes, that's right - I am a Mexican dog!"
0:06:22 > 0:06:26"You weren't expecting THAT in Spain, were you?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"If any of the other shows on my tour are anything to go by,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"I could become French in a minute!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:38("FRENCH" ACCENT) "I will not move for you!" I'm pretty French already.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"I will not move for you!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45"I will block your path!
0:06:45 > 0:06:50"And I will flagrantly lick my penis and testicles,
0:06:50 > 0:06:55"without so much of a hint of a bad back..."
0:06:55 > 0:06:59(NORMAL VOICE) "Unlike you when you were 14...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"and you only managed to get the tip in." Right.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Deal with it, it happened.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08It wasn't going to move. It wasn't going to move.
0:07:08 > 0:07:14Then we realised... we had everything we needed.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I got the massive bag of Cheeseballs out. Marek got the catapult out.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Not a word went between us. We knelt down and, one by one,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24we fired a whole family bag of snacks
0:07:24 > 0:07:27into that arrogant prick's face.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Ladies and gentlemen, I laughed my bollocks off.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36That's when it happened.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40That's when I got the epiphany that I should have had 24 hours earlier,
0:07:40 > 0:07:45because, as I fired crisps into that confused animal's face,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I thought, "Oh, my God,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"this is as good as life gets."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Because when I was firing crisps into a dog's face,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I wasn't worried about my past, I wasn't worried about the present,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01about health, about my parents, about the future.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I would just thinking, "If I hit him in the nose often enough,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"it will turn orange."
0:08:06 > 0:08:07It was liberating.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I was laughing for an hour afterwards.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14After one hour I was still, "Hee-hee-hee!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Two hours, "Ooh-ha-ha-ha!"
0:08:16 > 0:08:19On hour three, I thought, "This isn't normal.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"You shouldn't be laughing at this any more. It's not that funny."
0:08:22 > 0:08:26So I did bit of psychoanalysis on myself and I worked it out.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I've worked out that I inherited two things off my mum.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Number one, massive tits.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Number two, a glass-is-half-empty approach to life.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Whatever I'm doing, I think it's going to go wrong.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Whatever I'm looking forward to,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I think it's going to get cancelled and someone is going to die.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It is the worst way to live your life,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54because you are never truly present.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58You are never just DOING something, you're thinking outside it,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00worrying about what's happened or what's about to happen.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02For once, when I was firing crisps at a dog,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I was just DOING something, right?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I thought, this is how I want to remember my life.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I want to look back on my life and remember only the times
0:09:10 > 0:09:13where I was lost in time, just doing something.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I thought, I wonder if I can sustain a whole life story
0:09:16 > 0:09:19using that system. You'd think no. Yes!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Let's crack on with the main narrative.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Years one to ten. I will cover years one to ten in one incident.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I will summarise that incident with the word AWKWARD.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Because I want to remember the first time ever
0:09:35 > 0:09:37that I was lost in space just doing something.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I've remembered it, it's my first memory.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I was three years of age, I was sitting in a pram
0:09:41 > 0:09:44outside a supermarket, waiting for my mum to do her shopping.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49She'd left me outside, on my own at three years of age.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54It would appear, in the early 1970s, there weren't any paedophiles.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I'll do a little diagram of this for you.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I was sitting in a pram, here's the pram. Yes, there it is.
0:10:04 > 0:10:09Here's the little wheels. Look, there they are. Yes.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Here's little Greg.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Little three-year-old Greg, smiling away. There he is. Nice.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Here's his legs.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Here's his fucking arms, look.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It looked like someone had tried to Sellotape
0:10:29 > 0:10:31a spider monkey into an egg cup.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36I've seen the pictures, humiliating. Half child, half mutant octopus.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I was sitting there minding my own business
0:10:39 > 0:10:41when a little old lady came up.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44She put an ice pop in my hand and I remember like it was yesterday.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48I took it off her, I started eating the ice pop,
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I didn't give a shit who she was,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I didn't give a shit where my mum had gone.
0:10:51 > 0:10:57I was just eating an ice pop. I was just there, in time. Nice memory.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I thought! Until I told my mum about it.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03She said, "I remember that, love.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05"There's something about that you don't remember."
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I went, "I'm sorry?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:10She said, "I came out of the supermarket, love,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"and that old lady was still there and you are eating your ice pop
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"and she looked down at you and when she realised I was your mum,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18"she looked up at me and said only these words..."
0:11:18 > 0:11:20This is a real quote.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24"Oh, I'm so sorry for you. THAT is a shame."
0:11:27 > 0:11:29What the fuck is that?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33That is an adult saying to my mother,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"I am so sorry that your foetid vagina
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"threw up this aborted Mr Tickle.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44"Take it home and stamp it to death."
0:11:44 > 0:11:47They're not all going to be happy memories, that's my point.
0:11:50 > 0:11:5311 to 18, secondary school, formative years.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I was quite bullied in secondary school,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58but I won't mention that because this is a comedy show.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Instead, I will just mention a man first of all. This man here.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04FAT CHAN!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Here he is. Yes, please.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Fat Chan was the name of the head teacher at my school.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Obviously, not his real name. It was a nickname we gave him.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22It was a nickname, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25that was 50% accurate.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Fat Chan, as you can see from my diagram, was certainly fat.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Tick.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35He wasn't, however, of a racially Oriental background.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40We called him Fat Chan
0:12:40 > 0:12:43because he had slightly slittier eyes than an average person.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Let me tell you, in 1980s Shropshire,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48that kind of racism was entirely acceptable.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Names.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I was shitting myself about being bullied when I went to school.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04My mother pulled me to one side and she said this.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07She said, "You listen to me, Greg Davies.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"The bullies, yeah?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14(LISPING) "They can take your sweets, they can take your..."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I'm sorry, I've no idea why my mum sounds like a camp man.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21(CAMPLY) "They can take your sweets."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23She was wearing a ruffled shirt.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27She said, "They can take your sweets.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"They can take your dinner money.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"They can take your clothes..." Which was a strange one.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35She said, "..but I'll tell you
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"what they can't take off you, Greg Davies.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42"They can never take your name. We gave you that.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46"No-one can take your name off you. That's yours for ever."
0:13:46 > 0:13:51Well, ladies and gentlemen, that, of course, is horseshit, isn't it?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54As I think I have already proved with Fat Chan.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Children can take your name in a heartbeat with no reason,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03with no reason.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I can prove it. I've prepared some for you.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07These are all genuine nicknames from my year group at school.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Not even my whole school. This is my year group. They are all real.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Feast your eyes on these.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I've not made any of them up. Tell me how fair you think they are.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Badback, boy in my year.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I'll throw this in for you, a bit of side fun.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29He was round at my mum's house a couple of weeks ago,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31fitting a new shower.
0:14:38 > 0:14:44Badback was called Badback for five school years
0:14:44 > 0:14:47because on ONE DAY,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49he had a bad back.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It wasn't a re-occurring injury.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54He came in one day and went,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56"I've got a bit of a bad back today, lads."
0:14:56 > 0:14:59We went, "Right, that's you fucked for five years. Lovely."
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Polly, slightly more sinister.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05He had a nasty burn down one of his arms.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07It would appear on that occasion, Polly...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10put the kettle on his arm, so that's...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Don't shoot the messenger!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Spunk Eye AKA Popeye.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Two nicknames, one boy, Stephen Jenkins,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26let me tell you how Stephen got those nicknames
0:15:26 > 0:15:28using only the facts.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Because I was there, this is what happened, ready?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Stephen Jenkins was in a science lesson.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38He rubbed his eye...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It went a little bit red.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48There are NO MORE FACTS associated with either of those names.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Within 24 hours, everyone was calling him Popeye,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54because the rumour went round that he had rubbed his eye so hard
0:15:54 > 0:15:55it had popped out onto his cheek!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58And he chased everyone round like a Doctor Who monster.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00A work of fiction, right?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Then someone overheard him in the corridor say
0:16:03 > 0:16:04"I quite like the nickname Popeye"
0:16:04 > 0:16:08and a whole school year went, "Well, that's not fucking happening!"
0:16:08 > 0:16:11So, a new rumour went round that we all believed.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13That Stephen Jenkins was in a science lesson,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15POWER-WANKING...
0:16:15 > 0:16:19and a jet of teenage spunk
0:16:19 > 0:16:22had flew out of the end of his cannon-like penis,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25knocked his eye out of his head,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28and it flew out of a window and into the playground.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29A total work of fiction.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33A nice short one this, he was a boy called Kevin
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and he had long hair. Lovely.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43This is my favourite, Baghdad. I still know this man.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46David. He's a friend of mine.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48He's still called Baghdad.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52He's 43 years of age, he is a father of three,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55he has his own business...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57He got it at age 11 and you might be thinking,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"Well, maybe it was some clever connection with the Middle East?"
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"Oh, that's why David got the name Baghdad!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"That's clever!" No.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10David was called Baghdad after the first summer of school,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12because he came in with a new bag...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18..that he informed us...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20had been bought for him...
0:17:21 > 0:17:24..by his dad!
0:17:26 > 0:17:2830 years!
0:17:28 > 0:17:3130 years I've been laughing at that!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34And here's the best bit. His kids call him Baghdad!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46So, I've been kind of gathering nicknames on my tour so far.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49My favourite audience suggestions are as follows.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52That one made me laugh...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54That one pleased me...
0:17:54 > 0:17:59And this last one I think is the greatest nickname of all time.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Arrogant statement, but I'll prove it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04I think this gentleman was in Birmingham, he was a lovely,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08very camp 18-year-old who was sitting in the front.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I went, "What's your nickname?" and he said, "It is Gandhi still."
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I said, "Why're you called Gandhi?" "Because I'm Andy,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"and I'm gay and they just..."
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Think this was in Scotland. He'd had half an ear bitten off in a fight
0:18:25 > 0:18:27and I went, "Right 18 months, why?"
0:18:27 > 0:18:30And he said, "Oh, ear and a half." Lovely!
0:18:32 > 0:18:36In my opinion, the greatest nickname of all time, Mumbo.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39And the reason I think that is because he was fucked off still.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41He was about 45 and he was angry.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I saw him out of the corner of my eye, his friends were going, "Tell him yours!"
0:18:45 > 0:18:46He was going, "Fuck off!"
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I went, "Go on, mate! Tell us! It's only a bit of a laugh!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:51He says, "OK. It was Mumbo, all right?"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I went, "OK, it's fine, it was a long time ago!"
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Why were you called Mumbo?" And this is how he said it.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00He goes, "Well, because apparently my mum's got BO!"
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Not even anything he'd done!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08He just had a stinky fucking mum!
0:19:12 > 0:19:1621 to 33. The dark years!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And I made the worst decision of my entire life.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I decided at 21 it would be a good idea to become a teacher.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Not a pretend telly teacher, a real teacher.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I did the hard yards for that fucking part!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Any teachers here?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Awesome! Primary or secondary. Primary?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Not really teaching, is it?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I'm joking, of course!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I think teachers are amazing and I shouldn't be taking the piss
0:19:47 > 0:19:51out of a primary school teacher, because I used to teach drama!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I say teach... "What are we doing today, Sir?"
0:19:54 > 0:19:57"Make up a play, see you in an hour!"
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"What about homelessness?" Whatever!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04The one thing that got me through it was the kids.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Because kids' behaviour, and even parents will agree with me on this,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11kids behaviour is all of the following things -
0:20:11 > 0:20:16it is wonderful, it is horrific
0:20:16 > 0:20:20and it is - my favourite - really fucking odd.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I taught a group of children in North London.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25They are the strangest group of human beings
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I have ever seen assembled in one place together, right?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31You can all relax, they weren't special needs!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35I'll talk you through some of them.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37There was a child called Marwood in that group.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Never believed that was his real name.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42He was the king of the weirdos and I'll prove it with one description.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I once said to him, "Hey, Marwood, what you going to do when you leave school?"
0:20:45 > 0:20:48No hesitation. He goes, "I'm going to be one of two things, sir.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"I'm going to be a train driver or a gynaecologist."
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I said, "They're rather contrasting professions, Marwood."
0:20:55 > 0:20:59He didn't pause, he went, "No, you're right, sir. They are.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01"I suppose, at the end of the day, I just like tunnels!"
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Ginger Pete. Naughtiest child I ever taught.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14This kid, he was in trouble 20 times a day, serious trouble,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16he had one redeeming feature.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19He admitted to anything he'd done straight away.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22We didn't have to waterboard Ginger Pete, he'd just tell you.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24And I'll prove it.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I once came to my drama studio and in big letters on the door, a child had written this.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32"Mr Davies is a bellend."
0:21:34 > 0:21:38And I went in and I went "Eh? Sorry?!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"Has anyone seem what's been written on my door?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"Because I actually find that very offensive."
0:21:44 > 0:21:45And they all went... HE MUMBLES
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I went, "Seriously, who's written "Mr Davies is a bellend" on the door?"
0:21:48 > 0:21:52This is what Ginger Pete did. "Oh, yeah, that was me, sir!"
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I forgave him 90% there and then. I forgave him 100% when I realised
0:21:58 > 0:22:02he'd included the word Mr. Mr Bellend, that's respect!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08There was a child called Gavin in the group.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10When you were at school, any of you,
0:22:10 > 0:22:14and you didn't believe something that someone was saying to you,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18how many of you here would use this physical motion?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Now, at my school, we used to say "chinny reckon".
0:22:22 > 0:22:26To this day, I don't know what "chinny reckon" means.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I've discovered that around the country,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30people had different ones, so what did you say?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Jimmy Hill.- Jimmy Hill! Old school!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- Nice! It's the chin... - Desperate Dan.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Desperate Dan, that's lovely! Even older school! Anyone else? What?
0:22:40 > 0:22:49- Arsehole.- What?- Arsehole. - Arsehole. Seriously? Arsehole?
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Is that honestly what you said? Arsehole? You went to a convent?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Well, that explains it!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I heard one the other day that I've never heard before,
0:23:00 > 0:23:04which I think is amazing. Tutankhamen, which is lovely.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08If it's a really big lie, Tutankhamen all the way to the moon.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12At the school I taught at, it was just the word beard, that's it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17Beard. Don't believe you, beard. Beard.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20But Gavin hadn't been through puberty yet, so he said it like this.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24(HIGH-PITCHED) Beard! Beard!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I would go, "Gavin, how are you today?" "Beard!"
0:23:27 > 0:23:29"No, I said how are you today?" "Beard!" "Gavin, how are you today?"
0:23:29 > 0:23:33"Beard!" And then for the whole lesson. "You're not in our group." "Beard!"
0:23:33 > 0:23:37"Gavin, stop messing around!" "Beard!" "Gavin, give me my coat back!" "Beard!"
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"Gavin, get off the chair!" "Beard! Beard! Beard! Beard!"
0:23:40 > 0:23:4550 times a lesson, every week, he was a fat prick!
0:23:49 > 0:23:54There was a child that more than made up for him, though. Karen Powell.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56My favourite pupil that I ever taught.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01Karen was 11 years of age and she had two fascinating characteristics.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02No!
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Number one, her internal compass was fucked.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12For some reason, she was 20 minutes late to every single lesson,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16I don't know why. Number two, even though
0:24:16 > 0:24:19she was 11, she spoke like a repressed 1940s housewife.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23You will think I'm exaggerating this impression, I'm not.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28This is how she spoke. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I'd be biting through my fucking lip trying not to laugh when she came in.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I would go, "I'm all right, thanks, Karen, yeah. How are you?"
0:24:35 > 0:24:36She would say, "I'm very well!"
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I'll give you an idea of her compass.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44She once came to see me after a lesson and she went,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"Excuse me, sir, could I have a word with you, please?"
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I went, "Always, Karen."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51She said, "I just wanted to say something to you.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55"I thought that my performance in your lesson today was a little below par."
0:24:58 > 0:25:01"I thought you were excellent." "That's very kind. That's very kind. No, but no...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"No, I thought my characterisation was paper thin,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"my use of space was appalling and my group work was an abomination.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13"And if you would permit me, I would like to offer you my most humble of apologies."
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I said, "You listen to me, Karen Powell.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22"You never need to apologise to me, young lady.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"You are my favourite pupil.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28"Because you make me laugh my fucking head off."
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"Now go outside and enjoy your lunch time. You've deserved it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34She said, "Do you know what, sir? I think I will."
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Now, at the time, I was depressed. I didn't want to be there.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I blamed them for trapping me there.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46And one of the worst things - any teacher will tell you -
0:25:46 > 0:25:49is the amount of paperwork we have to do.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52You have to do a thing called a scheme of work.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57You have to plan, for years, for all year groups, for all ability groups,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01take into consideration pupils' personalities, everything.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Takes hours, weeks.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08I didn't want to do any of that, cos I was depressed and I hated them.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12So I created one lesson
0:26:12 > 0:26:15for all children.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It was called
0:26:18 > 0:26:20CLOSE UP TO MIC: Space Mission.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24And it was a clinically depressed man reading from an empty book,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27it was blank, I used to read out this space mission,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30they would act it out in shuttle groups around the room,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33they'd act it out in silence, I'd make it up as I was going along,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36at the end of the lesson, I'd fuck off, that was it, right?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38The only mistake I made was that they loved it.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43I didn't want them to, I hated them. But they loved it.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45So I would be sitting in between lessons like this.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49"Kill me, please." And they would come into my lesson like this.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52"Can we come in, sir?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53"Can we come in?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57And I go, "Yes. Come in."
0:26:58 > 0:27:00They'd go, "Oh! Are we doing Space Mission again?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02"Are we doing Space Mission today?"
0:27:02 > 0:27:06And I'd go, "Yes, we're doing Space Mission. Get into your shuttles.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08SHOUTING: "Get into your shuttles!"
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And they'd go running into their little shuttles.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I'd go, "All right, yes, calm down.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"Right, where were we last week?" All the hands.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"Yes, Alan, where were we?"
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"Sir, we were on the surface of a dangerous planet."
0:27:23 > 0:27:27"We were, weren't we, Alan? I'm glad you told me, because I can't fucking remember.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29"And how were we feeling? Sophie?"
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"Oh, we were nervous, we were nervous and excited!"
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"We were, weren't we, Sophie? We were so nervous, so excited.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38"And what did the commander of all the shuttles say?"
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I let Marwood answer this. This is a real conversation with me and that boy.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"Yes, Marwood. What did the commander of the shuttle say?"
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"Oh, no, sir, I want to ask you a question."
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I went, "OK, fine, thanks." He said, "Can you do the lambada?"
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I said, "No, I can't." He went, "OK. Thanks, carry on."
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I'd start the lesson, right.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05I used to have a mic in my hand, pathetic, just to make myself laugh.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Control of the drama studio lights. I'd go, "Right, let's start."
0:28:09 > 0:28:12CLOSE UP INTO MIC: "Space Mission.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14"Episode 143."
0:28:17 > 0:28:24"And so, our brave warriors were on the surface of the dangerous planet.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27"They were all very, very frightened."
0:28:27 > 0:28:30"Beard!" "Yes, they were, Gavin!" INAUDIBLE
0:28:31 > 0:28:34"They decide...
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"They decided they would take off from the dangerous planet,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"so they strapped themselves in."
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Then the door would open. CREAKING "I'm sorry I'm late, sir."
0:28:42 > 0:28:45"That's fine, Karen. Go and join Ginger Pete's group."
0:28:47 > 0:28:49"They fired the boosters."
0:28:49 > 0:28:52All of them shaking, they were convinced they were taking off.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56"Oh! We're taking off!" On their little stools, and I'd look at them and I'd think,
0:28:56 > 0:28:58"I want you all fucking dead."
0:28:59 > 0:29:02So I'd change the story just to piss them off.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05I'd go, "And then something awful happened." "Ah! What happened?"
0:29:05 > 0:29:07"The power failed."
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I'd go to red.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14They would shit themselves.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19And I'd go, "Yes!"
0:29:21 > 0:29:25"Yes, my little friends. The power failed.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31"And each of them thought about their mummies and daddies..."
0:29:33 > 0:29:36"..who they'd never see again."
0:29:38 > 0:29:43"And one by one, each of the astronauts thought, 'Oh, God.'"
0:29:45 > 0:29:47"'How did I get here?'"
0:29:48 > 0:29:53"'In this little, dark space with these people.'"
0:29:55 > 0:29:57"'I mean, I worked so hard at school.'"
0:30:00 > 0:30:03"'They said at college I'd definitely get acting work.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06"'Just because I was tall, they said.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08"'And yet here I am.
0:30:08 > 0:30:13"'Trapped with these little rats, eating my soul from inside.
0:30:13 > 0:30:18"'It's like the slowest death of all time.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20"'It's awful. It's fu...'"
0:30:20 > 0:30:23"Excuse me, sir? Is this part of the story?"
0:30:23 > 0:30:25"No, it's not, Karen, I do apologise."
0:30:27 > 0:30:33"And then, in the darkness, they heard footsteps." "Ah!"
0:30:34 > 0:30:37"No!" "Yes!"
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"Oh, Sir! What is it?"
0:30:41 > 0:30:43"Fuck knows!"
0:30:46 > 0:30:51"And then, just for a second,
0:30:51 > 0:30:55"the whole window was filled with one giant set of teeth!"
0:30:55 > 0:30:58I go to blackout, they'd go mental.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00I'd put the lights back on, and I go,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03"Yep, well, that's it for this lesson, kids.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05"Find out what happens next time." And they'd all go,
0:31:05 > 0:31:08"Ah! He's the greatest teacher of all time!
0:31:08 > 0:31:11"He's the greatest teacher of all time."
0:31:11 > 0:31:15And I'd go out to the back of the drama studio and smoke and cry.
0:31:16 > 0:31:21On that particular occasion, Karen Powell made me laugh harder than I think I can ever remember laughing.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24She walked past me and I went, "See you next lesson, Karen."
0:31:24 > 0:31:26And she went, "Perhaps."
0:31:28 > 0:31:30I said, "Perhaps? Did you not enjoy that?"
0:31:30 > 0:31:33She goes, "No, I didn't, actually." I said, "But you love drama."
0:31:33 > 0:31:35She goes, "Yes, but I didn't enjoy that very much."
0:31:35 > 0:31:37I said, "Why not?" She said, "I'll tell you."
0:31:40 > 0:31:45"I'm pretty sure that during that blackout, yeah?
0:31:45 > 0:31:46"Pretty sure, not 100%,
0:31:46 > 0:31:49"I'm pretty sure that someone tried to pull my trousers and pants down."
0:31:51 > 0:31:53And I went, "Who the hell did that?"
0:31:53 > 0:31:55And Ginger Pete went, "That was me, sir!"
0:32:03 > 0:32:05I thought I was going to laugh in her face.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I managed to stop myself by bollocking him,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10full-on bollocking, and he stopped me and said -
0:32:10 > 0:32:12the greatest quote I think I've ever heard -
0:32:12 > 0:32:16"Hang on, Sir, sorry. I feel awful, I'm really sorry. I feel really guilty about Karen.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20"I just thought it was the opportunity of a lifetime."
0:32:22 > 0:32:2533 to present day, the home stretch. SHOUTS: Old!
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Not quite in keeping with the rest of the show, this.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31I do try and keep it light.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34But I find the aging process extremely difficult.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36The build up to being 40 is horrific.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40A lot of middle-aged men get very angry with young people.
0:32:40 > 0:32:45I'm not one of those men. I love seeing the kids have a nice time.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Some lovely young, fresh faces here. It's nice.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Just prove it to you now.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Hello. Hello. What's your name?
0:32:55 > 0:32:59- Lucy.- Hello, Lucy. Welcome to the show.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01APPLAUSE
0:33:02 > 0:33:07- And tell me, Lucy. How old are you?- 21.- 21.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Do you like being 21, Lucy?
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Course you do, it's amazing.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20It's amazing, isn't it? Lucy...
0:33:34 > 0:33:35Do you know what happens when you get to 42?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40I'll tell you. Look at me.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45You walk past a nightclub, Lucy,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47no-one offers you a flyer.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:53 > 0:33:55What the fuck is that?
0:33:57 > 0:34:00Like I don't want to throw some shapes.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04Like I don't know exactly who the renegade master is.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08D for Damage, with the ill behaviour.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Erm, you know...
0:34:10 > 0:34:13You know when I knew I was officially middle-aged? Hang on.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Well, here's one of the moments.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Don't! Don't patronise me.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26You know when I knew I was officially middle-aged?
0:34:26 > 0:34:28I was in a shop called FCUK about three months ago.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I shouldn't have been in there, Lucy. Look at the fucking state of me.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33But I was in there,
0:34:33 > 0:34:36and I was feeling pretty depressed about none of the clothes fitting,
0:34:36 > 0:34:38me being too old or too fat or too tall for them.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42I was feeling pretty low, when I realised in the background there was
0:34:42 > 0:34:46a song playing from my youth, and it made me happy in an instant, right?
0:34:46 > 0:34:48It was a song by a band called Dead Or Alive.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Who remembers Dead Or Alive? CHEERING
0:34:50 > 0:34:53What was their biggest hit? SHOUTS FROM THE AUDIENCE
0:34:53 > 0:34:56You Spin Me Round. You Spin Me Round, Lucy.
0:34:57 > 0:35:03A 1984 classic slice of high-energy, gay pop disco.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07In 1984 I had one thing on my mind, right?
0:35:07 > 0:35:11It was a girl I was totally in love with, called Nicola Francis.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15I was absolutely obsessed with her, right? Totally besotted by her.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17And just for a side note, again, for you,
0:35:17 > 0:35:22I saw her about three months ago for the first time in all those years.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23Lucky escape.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27Erm... Munter. Munter.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Er... HE CHUCKLES
0:35:30 > 0:35:31Says me!
0:35:33 > 0:35:35At the time I loved her, you know?
0:35:35 > 0:35:37And every time I walked past her, for some reason,
0:35:37 > 0:35:41that song seemed to be playing in the background, summing up my feelings, right.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44It's not Shakespeare, Lucy. It's a simple sentiment.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48"You spin me right round, baby, right round, like record, baby."
0:35:49 > 0:35:51That's a music storage system.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58"Like a record, baby, right round." Here's the twist - "round, round."
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Not Shakespeare, but it reminds me of a happy time, of a simple time.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03So it made me happy.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Until I realised I wasn't listening to the original.
0:36:07 > 0:36:12I was listening to a cover version by a gentleman called Flo Rida.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Some of the young people may be familiar with Flo's work.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Flo's taken a bit of artistic licence with a dance classic
0:36:20 > 0:36:22and reworded it in the following way.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49And this is when I knew I was officially middle-aged,
0:36:49 > 0:36:51cos I promise you, I heard that lyric
0:36:51 > 0:36:54and out loud in a shop I reacted like this...
0:36:54 > 0:36:56"Oh, no!"
0:36:59 > 0:37:03I thought, "Can we not have ONE song?!
0:37:03 > 0:37:06"One song in the hit parade that doesn't allude
0:37:06 > 0:37:09"to munching away on each other's private parts?!"
0:37:09 > 0:37:12I'll tell you something else, Lucy, maybe I shouldn't,
0:37:12 > 0:37:14maybe this is inappropriate but I'm going to...
0:37:14 > 0:37:18At 42, I don't make the effort to go down very often these days.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22If it's a special occasion - a birthday, something like that...
0:37:22 > 0:37:24I'll tell you kids what I don't want to look up and see,
0:37:24 > 0:37:27and that's someone's fucking head spinning round.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Like a massive owl!
0:37:32 > 0:37:35SHOUTS: Is that what you want, you young people?!
0:37:35 > 0:37:40To see me, a 42-year-old man, licking the vagina of a massive owl?!
0:37:40 > 0:37:43LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:45A man old enough to be Lucy's father,
0:37:45 > 0:37:50lapping away at the soft folds of a seven-foot hooting bird?!
0:37:51 > 0:37:53You can't even get owls that big!
0:37:55 > 0:37:57It would have to be the owl from Jason And The Argonauts!
0:37:57 > 0:38:00"Oh, Jason the Mighty Owl doth block our path."
0:38:00 > 0:38:01"Bring forth Gregious of Shropshire,
0:38:01 > 0:38:06"he will move the beast by lapping away at its feathery growler!"
0:38:10 > 0:38:11You are fucking sick, you children.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Warning...
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Warning is a poem that I used to do with the kids
0:38:22 > 0:38:25when I was briefly an English teacher before I was...discovered.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28It's a nice poem, you know. It's by a woman called...
0:38:28 > 0:38:31HE LAUGHS I've just realised this...
0:38:31 > 0:38:35Look at this device that they've used to hide my water.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38LAUGHTER Why?
0:38:38 > 0:38:42Why? Were you all going to go, "Look at that water, it's disgusting!
0:38:42 > 0:38:45"Fucking water on stage!" There.
0:38:47 > 0:38:52"I don't want to look at a fresh bottle of water! Fuck!"
0:38:56 > 0:38:58I mean, what were you thinking?
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Did you think it would be a magic trick halfway through?
0:39:01 > 0:39:03I'm quite thirsty, ah!
0:39:03 > 0:39:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:08 > 0:39:11That's right, I reached into the darkness and I had water.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:27 > 0:39:30I like the poem. This young woman says she wants to become a pensioner
0:39:30 > 0:39:34and the reason is she thinks that her youth has been boring.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36She thinks that she's wasted those golden years
0:39:36 > 0:39:38by being sober,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40she says she wants to make up for the sobriety of her youth,
0:39:40 > 0:39:42it's a nice sentiment.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46I like it because it tells young people to stop messing about,
0:39:46 > 0:39:50get on with life, and it also paints an incredible picture of old age, I think.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52"If we're all heading towards a period where at last
0:39:52 > 0:39:54"we're ourselves and we're free, then bring on old age,"
0:39:54 > 0:39:57is what I thought when I first read the poem.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59However...
0:40:01 > 0:40:02If Jenny Joseph met my dad...
0:40:04 > 0:40:07..and saw the way that he's been behaving for the last few years,
0:40:07 > 0:40:09she would rip her poem up and put it in the bin
0:40:09 > 0:40:14because he - has gone - too - far.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17He said to me, two years ago, before Christmas, this.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20"Son, I'm 72."
0:40:20 > 0:40:22I said, "I'm aware of that." He said, "Yes.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26"I've decided that from now on I should behave exactly as I see fit."
0:40:26 > 0:40:30I thought of Jenny Joseph straight away and I said, "I would welcome that, Dad."
0:40:30 > 0:40:32He said, "Well, I'm glad you agree because this year,
0:40:32 > 0:40:37"when you come home for Christmas, I shall be wearing a festive outfit."
0:40:37 > 0:40:38I went, "All right, then."
0:40:38 > 0:40:42I got home for Christmas, he was wearing his festive outfit.
0:40:42 > 0:40:47I swear to you, it was one giant pair of white underpants
0:40:47 > 0:40:50that stretched from his knees to just below his nipples.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Just BELOW his nipples.
0:40:52 > 0:40:53So much more offensive than just above,
0:40:53 > 0:40:57and a novelty Santa hat with a flashing bulb on the end.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00And he came downstairs, and this is a quote, "D'you like?"
0:41:02 > 0:41:04I said, "I find it a bit challenging."
0:41:04 > 0:41:06He said, "I don't give a shit what you think."
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Then he went off to eat some cheese.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13This is where it gets weird.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16I went out that night with some of the people in my home town.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Midnight, in our home town,
0:41:18 > 0:41:22my mother tells me in anticipation of me coming home he did this.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25He went upstairs in his Panta outfit...
0:41:28 > 0:41:31He went to my mother's sheet drawer,
0:41:31 > 0:41:36he took out a double white sheet, he placed that over his head,
0:41:36 > 0:41:39he went out into their garden and he hid in a bush.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45With a view to giving me, his then 40-year-old son,
0:41:45 > 0:41:47a bit of a scare!
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Now, presumably, my mother is so sick of his shit,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54that she decided not to tell him
0:41:54 > 0:41:57something that she full well knew - that on that occasion,
0:41:57 > 0:41:59I'd stayed over at a friend's house.
0:42:01 > 0:42:06And she left a 72-year-old fat man with a sheet on his fucking head
0:42:06 > 0:42:09in a bush for two hours.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11There's no punchline.
0:42:11 > 0:42:12My mum just felt guilty,
0:42:12 > 0:42:14after two hours, put her arm around him and went, "Come in, love.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17"He's not coming home."
0:42:17 > 0:42:20And he apparently got to the front door and said, "Oh, thank you, love.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22"I was starting to get dreadfully chilly."
0:42:22 > 0:42:26I've been trying to work out what's wrong with him for years.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28I got my answer one year later.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30We were sitting around the Christmas table,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32my sister had come home with her baby and my brother-in-law
0:42:32 > 0:42:36was looking after little Lucy in the other room, right?
0:42:36 > 0:42:40We're sitting round the table, Dad was reading a broadsheet newspaper for all of Christmas lunch,
0:42:40 > 0:42:42the only reason we knew it was him
0:42:42 > 0:42:44was cos we could see his flashing Santa hat around the table.
0:42:44 > 0:42:49My sister made up for being pregnant for the last year by drinking
0:42:49 > 0:42:51nearly three bottles of wine to herself
0:42:51 > 0:42:56and on Christmas Day she was, in old-fashioned parlance, shit-faced!
0:42:58 > 0:43:01She said a word that rather put the cat amongst the pigeons.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03She said the word "blow job."
0:43:03 > 0:43:06Now, maybe your mums would be cool with that,
0:43:06 > 0:43:09my mother is a very naive 67-year-old.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11Lovely lady, but fiercely naive.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14She heard the word "blow job" and this is how she reacted.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17"I'm sorry, love, what was that word?"
0:43:17 > 0:43:20My sister went, "Oh, God, I'm sorry, Mum. I'm drunk, I didn't mean to."
0:43:20 > 0:43:22She goes, "It's fine, you say what you want around this house.
0:43:22 > 0:43:24"You know that. This is your home.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27"I just need you to explain to me
0:43:27 > 0:43:30"EXACTLY WHAT A BLOW JOB IS."
0:43:30 > 0:43:33My sister sobered up like this, right?
0:43:33 > 0:43:36And then she started to panic and she went, "Seriously, Mum.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38"It doesn't matter, I'm just drunk."
0:43:38 > 0:43:40I went back 30 years in time, I went,
0:43:40 > 0:43:42SHOUTS: "Yes, it does matter, Sharon!
0:43:42 > 0:43:44"Yes, it does matter!"
0:43:45 > 0:43:48"We can't be using words that Mum doesn't understand."
0:43:48 > 0:43:50Mum went, "I would like to know what it means."
0:43:50 > 0:43:54I said, "You've got every right to know what it means!
0:43:54 > 0:43:55"What does it mean, Sharon?"
0:43:55 > 0:43:59My sister was shuffling like a dog on parquet flooring.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03I have never seen a woman look that uncomfortable.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06I thought I would puke my liver up laughing.
0:44:08 > 0:44:09I was hooting like an animal.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12I stopped laughing when my sister made her decision,
0:44:12 > 0:44:15which was to explain that particular sex act to my mum,
0:44:15 > 0:44:19using the almost forgotten art of mime.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21LAUGHTER
0:44:21 > 0:44:25So... So she started going, "It's kind of a sexual thing, Mum."
0:44:29 > 0:44:31I thought, "This is horrendous!"
0:44:31 > 0:44:35And then it got 400 times worse,
0:44:35 > 0:44:38cos my mum, to try and understand what was going on over here -
0:44:38 > 0:44:43you're ahead of me already - decided that she would copy the mime.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48So, I don't know how bad your Christmases have been in recent years,
0:44:48 > 0:44:53but that one for me consisted of watching my mother and my sister
0:44:53 > 0:44:56pumping air-cock in front of my face.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01It was the most disturbing image I've ever seen,
0:45:01 > 0:45:04and I've seen someone kill a pony with a golf club.
0:45:06 > 0:45:08So my mum's going, "I don't know what this is at all, love.
0:45:08 > 0:45:12"I don't know what any of these movements are. I don't know what any of this means.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15"Why am I tickling under here? I don't know what that is"
0:45:15 > 0:45:18Yes, it would appear my sister is... rather good.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21LAUGHTER
0:45:22 > 0:45:26She was in mid-mime, my mum, when she realised what she was doing. This image is burned on my mind.
0:45:26 > 0:45:30"I don't know what any of this..." She was really going for it, she was properly wanking.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32"I don't know what any of this is.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34"I don't know what any of these movements are. What are they?
0:45:34 > 0:45:37"I don't know any of these movements." Then she realised.
0:45:37 > 0:45:38"I don't know any of these..."
0:45:44 > 0:45:46"Oh, God.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48"Oh, good God, no!"
0:45:48 > 0:45:51And then she said something that I think many women in this room
0:45:51 > 0:45:52might identify with.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55She went, "Oh, no, love. Oh, no, no, no.
0:45:55 > 0:45:59"No, I find it hard enough to touch one of those things,
0:45:59 > 0:46:01"let alone put it in my mouth."
0:46:01 > 0:46:06At which point, my dad summed up 40 years of marriage
0:46:06 > 0:46:09and all of his weird behaviour with one look
0:46:09 > 0:46:12from behind a newspaper that I will now demonstrate to you.
0:46:14 > 0:46:16"Oh, no, love. Oh, God, no, no.
0:46:16 > 0:46:19"I find it hard enough to touch one of those things,
0:46:19 > 0:46:21"let alone put it in my mouth."
0:46:32 > 0:46:35To his own fucking children!
0:46:43 > 0:46:46Before I let you go home, the last section of my show
0:46:46 > 0:46:47is called Selfish Mum.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50Not for the reasons I've just outlined!
0:46:52 > 0:46:54That'd be awful! "Come on, Mum, make an effort."
0:46:59 > 0:47:02It's called Selfish Mum because at this point in the story,
0:47:02 > 0:47:05my mum forces me to tell you something serious. I promised at the beginning of the show
0:47:05 > 0:47:09that I wouldn't - you know, that it would just be moments in time.
0:47:09 > 0:47:10But to get to where I want to get
0:47:10 > 0:47:14before we all go out of here, I have to tell you something serious.
0:47:14 > 0:47:15But I don't want you to think
0:47:15 > 0:47:19that this is me hijacking the end of the show for some emotional...
0:47:19 > 0:47:22where we all get to sing We Are The World, right?
0:47:22 > 0:47:24There's no emotional... There's no sad end to this.
0:47:24 > 0:47:28I'll ruin the story for you now by telling you that my mum is fine.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31Everything I'm about to tell you, she got through, all right?
0:47:31 > 0:47:32However...
0:47:33 > 0:47:35..a year after "Blow-job-gate"...
0:47:37 > 0:47:41..my mother ruined Christmas by having a massive heart attack.
0:47:47 > 0:47:51It was horrible. It was horrific. Of course it was horrific.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54My sister was looking after her now two children,
0:47:54 > 0:47:55so she couldn't go home.
0:47:55 > 0:47:58My mum was having an operation to essentially save her life,
0:47:58 > 0:48:02so my dad was on his own, so I went home to see him.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05Now, you've probably got an idea of my dad. He's brilliant.
0:48:05 > 0:48:06He's a brilliant dad
0:48:06 > 0:48:10and he's dealt with every crisis we've ever had with humour, right?
0:48:10 > 0:48:13So when I went into the kitchen, where he always sits,
0:48:13 > 0:48:17on his little stool, I went in expecting to find the sheet man
0:48:17 > 0:48:21dealing with the situation by making us all laugh.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25And on this occasion, I went into the kitchen and I found,
0:48:25 > 0:48:29sitting on the stool, a little old frightened man that I didn't recognise.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33Just to be clear...
0:48:33 > 0:48:34it WAS my dad.
0:48:39 > 0:48:44And I went in and I went, "You all right?" And he went, "No."
0:48:44 > 0:48:47And I went, "Eh?" He went, "No, I'm not all right."
0:48:47 > 0:48:52And I went, "Oh, she'll be fine. She's in good hands. She'll be fine."
0:48:52 > 0:48:53And he said...
0:48:53 > 0:48:55Now, look, this is the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58I know loads of you will have heard worse but this is the worst thing
0:48:58 > 0:49:01another human being's ever said to me. He said,
0:49:01 > 0:49:06"I hope you're right, love, because without your mother I am nothing." And I went...
0:49:12 > 0:49:14"Er...
0:49:14 > 0:49:15"Do I have to look after YOU now?"
0:49:17 > 0:49:20"Cos I'm pretty sure you're the parent here."
0:49:20 > 0:49:22But he was inconsolable.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26And I tried to cheer him up, and I failed.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29I tried to make him laugh - I failed. I put my arm around him,
0:49:29 > 0:49:33I told him that whatever happened we'd be all right as a family, you know?
0:49:33 > 0:49:37All of the things you'd say to your loved ones - like anyone would say. Nothing worked.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40I made him a cup of tea.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42In the end, I just...
0:49:42 > 0:49:45You know, I walked him upstairs to bed and I tucked him into bed.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47Ever tucked your dad in? Weird!
0:49:47 > 0:49:51And, er... And I sat with him till he fell asleep.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53And I went back to my bed and I...
0:49:55 > 0:49:57I felt sorry for three people.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01I felt sorry for her, obviously, I felt sorry for him,
0:50:01 > 0:50:03and I felt sorry for myself.
0:50:03 > 0:50:06If this hasn't happened to you, it will happen to you - sorry -
0:50:06 > 0:50:09and it is the realisation that your parents are not superhuman.
0:50:09 > 0:50:13It came to me fairly late in life but it's like somebody telling you,
0:50:13 > 0:50:15"That's the end of childhood, officially."
0:50:15 > 0:50:16Bang! Right?
0:50:18 > 0:50:21So I went to sleep that night feeling pretty...
0:50:21 > 0:50:22miserable.
0:50:25 > 0:50:26Then...
0:50:27 > 0:50:30..in the middle of the night...
0:50:30 > 0:50:34..something happened to kind of make things a bit better.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Cos as I slept in the middle of the night, in my new role, I suppose,
0:50:38 > 0:50:42as, sort of, head of the family, I suppose, I...
0:50:43 > 0:50:46..did a massive shit in my pants.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51Not a little shit. I mean, it was horrendous!
0:50:51 > 0:50:55It was like someone had gone through there with an industrial crop spreader.
0:50:56 > 0:51:00It was fucking awful. I had to peel the shitty sheet off my bed at six in the morning,
0:51:00 > 0:51:02trying to keep as much of it in as I could,
0:51:02 > 0:51:05and I snuck downstairs, hoping to avoid Dad,
0:51:05 > 0:51:07with this shit vol-au-vent in my hand,
0:51:07 > 0:51:10and he was up at six in the morning in the kitchen.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13I went, "All right?" And he went, "Morning, love!"
0:51:13 > 0:51:14I went, "Are you all right?"
0:51:14 > 0:51:17"More than all right - I've spoken to the hospital. Your mum's fine."
0:51:17 > 0:51:21I said, "Oh, that's brilliant. That's brilliant. I'm just going to go to the toilet."
0:51:21 > 0:51:24And he went, "Er... I want a word with you."
0:51:24 > 0:51:27I went, "I'm... I just need to pop to the..."
0:51:27 > 0:51:29He went, "I need to speak to you now."
0:51:29 > 0:51:32"I just need to pop to the toilet." "I need to speak to you NOW!"
0:51:32 > 0:51:33I went, "OK."
0:51:35 > 0:51:38He said, "Thanks for last night." I said, "That's my pleasure."
0:51:38 > 0:51:40He said, "You were amazing."
0:51:40 > 0:51:44I said, "That's fine, Dad. I'm just going to pop to..." He goes, "I haven't finished."
0:51:48 > 0:51:50He said, "I'm so proud of you."
0:51:53 > 0:51:55I said, "Are you?"
0:51:55 > 0:51:57He said, "Yes, I am.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01"I remember when you were my weak little asthmatic boy.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03"Now look at you. A man!"
0:52:06 > 0:52:10"Big, strong man, looking after his dad in the hard times.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12"So strong. So brave."
0:52:13 > 0:52:16And I went, "Dad..." He went, "Yeah?"
0:52:16 > 0:52:19I said, "I'm really sorry about this.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22"I appear to have done a massive shit in the bed."
0:52:23 > 0:52:27Ladies and gentleman, he took that sheet out of my hand without a word.
0:52:27 > 0:52:31He went into our washroom, he pushed it into a washing machine.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35He looked up at me and he said the most beautiful thing that anyone's ever said to me.
0:52:35 > 0:52:38He said, "You, son, are a fucking knob."
0:52:45 > 0:52:48Kind of like getting a bit of childhood back -
0:52:48 > 0:52:50d'you know what I mean?
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Being the kid again, being the idiot. I loved it.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54So we went to see Mum in hospital.
0:52:54 > 0:52:58She was sitting upright in bed after a horrific operation like that.
0:52:58 > 0:53:02God bless the NHS and those fucking miracle workers, you know?
0:53:02 > 0:53:05You'd think nothing had happened to her. She was sitting up.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07I did the obvious thing - threw my arms around her,
0:53:07 > 0:53:09told her how great she looked.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11My dad - slightly less conventional -
0:53:11 > 0:53:15told her how angry he was with me for having ruined his ghost outfit.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22Then he went off to get some teas.
0:53:22 > 0:53:26As soon as he'd gone, my mum said, "Can I have a word with you?" And I went, "Of course."
0:53:26 > 0:53:30She goes, "I want to speak to you while your dad's not here." And I said, "Anything. Of course."
0:53:30 > 0:53:36She said, "I've woken up from the anaesthetic thinking something stupid and I've got to ask you."
0:53:36 > 0:53:39And I went, "What?" She said,
0:53:39 > 0:53:43"Do you still talk about me and your dad when you do your shows?"
0:53:43 > 0:53:45And I said...
0:53:45 > 0:53:49"Are you fucking joking?! You're 90% of my material."
0:53:49 > 0:53:53And she said, "Oh, thank God." I said, "Thank God"? She goes, "Thank God!"
0:53:53 > 0:53:55I said, "Why do you say that?"
0:53:57 > 0:53:58She said...
0:53:58 > 0:54:00"You'll think I'm a stupid old woman
0:54:00 > 0:54:05"but I woke up from the anaesthetic, just with this thought going through my head.
0:54:05 > 0:54:09"I thought, er, 'What if I died?
0:54:09 > 0:54:12" 'Maybe he would stop talking about me.' "
0:54:12 > 0:54:14And I went, "What?"
0:54:16 > 0:54:19She said, "I just thought... that if I wasn't here,
0:54:19 > 0:54:22"you wouldn't feel comfortable talking about me."
0:54:22 > 0:54:25I said, "Of course I would. Don't be so stupid.
0:54:25 > 0:54:28"I'm not going to erase you cos you're not here any more, am I?"
0:54:28 > 0:54:32And she went, "Good, love. I really don't want you to stop it."
0:54:32 > 0:54:34And I went, "I would never do that."
0:54:36 > 0:54:38She said, "Even the awful stuff, love.
0:54:38 > 0:54:42"Even that awful blow-job story. Keep telling that.
0:54:42 > 0:54:46"You promise me you'll keep telling that?" I said, "You have my word!
0:54:46 > 0:54:51"In the event of your death, I'll keep telling the United Kingdom you don't like sucking cock."
0:54:51 > 0:54:54And she said, "Oh, thank you, that means a lot to me,"
0:54:54 > 0:54:57which, in itself, was a strange thing to say.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01And then, she said something that,
0:55:01 > 0:55:04of all the things I've shared with you tonight,
0:55:04 > 0:55:07it is the single best example
0:55:07 > 0:55:11of a moment in time where I had to exist just in the moment
0:55:11 > 0:55:13and then move on with my life,
0:55:13 > 0:55:15and I think you'll see why when I tell you.
0:55:15 > 0:55:18And you... Look, you'll think this isn't the end of the show.
0:55:18 > 0:55:21It is, right? It's just this line and then I'm out of here.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25You'll think it's a strange choice but, honestly, you'll see why it's the best example.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27If you know anything about comedy,
0:55:27 > 0:55:33you'll know what I'm doing now - dragging out the build-up to a punchline - is suicide.
0:55:34 > 0:55:38Cos it can't possibly be good enough. But I honestly think this is.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41To the extent...
0:55:42 > 0:55:44..I'm going to drag it out a bit more.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51She said, "Er...
0:55:51 > 0:55:55"There's something I've been meaning to tell you about that story, love.
0:55:55 > 0:55:59I went, "Oh, yeah?" She goes, "Yeah. It's not 100% accurate."
0:56:00 > 0:56:03I said, "Well, I want it to be, cos all of my stories are true."
0:56:03 > 0:56:07And they are, you know - with the exception of me having seen someone kill a pony with a golf club.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12But they are true. I said, "I want to get it right - what have I got wrong?"
0:56:12 > 0:56:15"It's only a little detail." "Well, what is it, Mum?"
0:56:17 > 0:56:18Here it comes.
0:56:21 > 0:56:22She said, "Er..."
0:56:24 > 0:56:26"Well, listen, love.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28"I never told you I haven't sucked a penis.
0:56:28 > 0:56:31"I just told you I've never sucked your dad's!"
0:56:31 > 0:56:33LAUGHTER
0:56:44 > 0:56:47Er, look, it's been really nice. Thanks for coming.
0:56:47 > 0:56:51I will leave you on a moving piece of music - something for the kids.
0:56:51 > 0:56:55For Lucy and for all the young people in the room, I hope,
0:56:55 > 0:56:58maybe emotionally you'll learn something on the way out, OK?
0:56:58 > 0:57:00You can probably play that in now...
0:57:00 > 0:57:03MUSIC: "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)" by Dead Or Alive
0:57:03 > 0:57:07Lyrically it's lovely, I think. Try and listen to it. It's been a real pleasure.
0:57:07 > 0:57:11Thank you so much. Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it. Thank you!
0:57:11 > 0:57:13CHEERING
0:57:33 > 0:57:35CHEERING
0:57:42 > 0:57:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd