John Bishop: The Sunshine Tour

0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language.

0:00:08 > 0:00:11Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show.

0:00:11 > 0:00:14Thanks a lot for coming to this DVD recording

0:00:14 > 0:00:17at the Liverpool Echo Arena.

0:00:17 > 0:00:19Now, some of you have already begun to notice

0:00:19 > 0:00:22that this isn't the real John Bishop.

0:00:22 > 0:00:23It's a cartoon figure.

0:00:23 > 0:00:27The truth is, the real John Bishop is a little bit nervous.

0:00:27 > 0:00:31This tour got really big, the DVD's anticipated to be big,

0:00:31 > 0:00:33so he's a bit too nervous to come out.

0:00:33 > 0:00:36In fact, in all honesty, he's backstage, shitting himself.

0:00:38 > 0:00:41So we just think the cartoon is a new way of doing comedy,

0:00:41 > 0:00:43so we'll just crack on, eh?

0:00:43 > 0:00:46Anyway, eh, you there, mate, yeah, yeah, yeah, you there in the front.

0:00:46 > 0:00:48Yeah, you.

0:00:48 > 0:00:50You with the mad hair and ugly wife.

0:00:50 > 0:00:53Yeah, what's your name and where you from? What?

0:00:53 > 0:00:55What's your name and where you from? What?

0:00:55 > 0:00:58Look, it doesn't matter what your name is or where you're from,

0:00:58 > 0:01:01all I was going to say is, you've got a crap name and where you live is shite.

0:01:01 > 0:01:03Because that's what happens in comedy.

0:01:03 > 0:01:05I ask you a question, you say something,

0:01:05 > 0:01:07I just take the piss out of it and everyone laughs at you.

0:01:07 > 0:01:10It's good, isn't it? Eh?

0:01:10 > 0:01:13Got to be honest, this probably isn't working, is it?

0:01:13 > 0:01:16And it's probably not the best idea I've ever had and the truth is,

0:01:16 > 0:01:19if you've paid good money, you want to get what you paid for.

0:01:19 > 0:01:22You want to get the real deal.

0:01:22 > 0:01:24Otherwise it's like being a Chelsea supporter

0:01:24 > 0:01:26watching Fernando Torres play.

0:01:29 > 0:01:35Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome home to the Echo Arena stage,

0:01:35 > 0:01:39it's Liverpool's own John Bishop!

0:01:42 > 0:01:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:49 > 0:01:50Thank you.

0:01:56 > 0:01:57Thank you.

0:01:59 > 0:02:00Thank you.

0:02:00 > 0:02:01How are you, Liverpool?

0:02:04 > 0:02:10First of all, I've got to apologise for the delay.

0:02:10 > 0:02:12The lecky nearly blew up.

0:02:14 > 0:02:17Honest to God, the Echo Arena have got two massive generators.

0:02:17 > 0:02:20One that side and one that side.

0:02:20 > 0:02:24And the one that side started smoking.

0:02:24 > 0:02:28And everybody was thinking, "Oh, should we or shouldn't we?"

0:02:28 > 0:02:33Then we thought "If it blows up, it might just kill the people there,

0:02:33 > 0:02:36"which means if the cameras are pointing this way,

0:02:36 > 0:02:39"the DVD will still look good".

0:02:40 > 0:02:43So they've actually had to reroute it all

0:02:43 > 0:02:46because somebody, obviously working at the Echo Arena,

0:02:46 > 0:02:50has done that thing that everyone did on a council estate in the '70s.

0:02:50 > 0:02:53They've drilled a little hole into the meter,

0:02:53 > 0:02:57got a little bit of wire to stop the thing going around

0:02:57 > 0:02:58and it's nearly blown up.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02So I'm sorry for the delay,

0:03:02 > 0:03:05but hopefully, it won't affect you too much.

0:03:06 > 0:03:10Thanks for coming on a Monday night. Yeah, yeah.

0:03:10 > 0:03:12On the last night.

0:03:12 > 0:03:17Thank you for being here on the last night of what has got to be

0:03:17 > 0:03:22the biggest tour and the maddest year of my life.

0:03:22 > 0:03:24Thanks for being part of it.

0:03:29 > 0:03:32The first night of this tour was in Sunderland.

0:03:32 > 0:03:38The second night was in Ipswich because my promoter is a cock.

0:03:40 > 0:03:46Unfortunately, all this is happening at the wrong time in my life,

0:03:46 > 0:03:47because I'm in my forties now,

0:03:47 > 0:03:53which means I'm like every man in this room in his forties,

0:03:53 > 0:03:55I'm now a perv.

0:04:00 > 0:04:03Now, I didn't think I was a perv.

0:04:03 > 0:04:05Some of you are sat there thinking, "I'm not a perv."

0:04:05 > 0:04:09You are a perv because some of the things you used to say

0:04:09 > 0:04:12that was quite funny when you were in your twenties,

0:04:12 > 0:04:15that was a little bit cheeky when you were in your twenties,

0:04:15 > 0:04:17you say the same thing in your forties,

0:04:17 > 0:04:21you end up with a restraining order because you sound like a perv.

0:04:21 > 0:04:24I found this out on the first night of the tour

0:04:24 > 0:04:25because I went to Sunderland.

0:04:25 > 0:04:28I don't know if you've been to Sunderland, fantastic place.

0:04:28 > 0:04:30Really, really good. Yeah, oh, it's brilliant. It is.

0:04:30 > 0:04:34You should go no matter where you live, go to Sunderland.

0:04:34 > 0:04:36Just get on a bus, go, get off. Five minutes.

0:04:36 > 0:04:40You will love where you live after you've been to Sunderland.

0:04:44 > 0:04:47It's great. Honestly, it's great.

0:04:47 > 0:04:49If you've watched that programme, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding,

0:04:49 > 0:04:51and thought, "I wonder what it would be like

0:04:51 > 0:04:54if these all lived in one place?", it's Sunderland.

0:04:55 > 0:04:58But a lovely venue. It was a great way of starting the tour

0:04:58 > 0:05:01and I went up to Sunderland on the first night, a little bit nervous

0:05:01 > 0:05:04because I know most people haven't seen me live before.

0:05:04 > 0:05:07I did this venue called the Sunderland Empire. Fantastic venue.

0:05:07 > 0:05:10The audience was brilliant. It was brilliant.

0:05:10 > 0:05:12It was a standing ovation at the end.

0:05:12 > 0:05:15I mean, that's up to yourselves. I'm just saying...

0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER

0:05:17 > 0:05:21It was just lovely, is what I'm saying. So I come off.

0:05:21 > 0:05:24Come off, I've got a hundred and odd dates ahead of me,

0:05:24 > 0:05:25I come off stage,

0:05:25 > 0:05:28my tour manager Alex and my driver David said

0:05:28 > 0:05:30"we've got to get in the car,

0:05:30 > 0:05:32"because we've got to start heading to Ipswich."

0:05:32 > 0:05:35Because I don't know if anyone has ever tried to drive

0:05:35 > 0:05:38from Sunderland to Ipswich in one go.

0:05:38 > 0:05:43You can't do it, you've got to have a stopover in Narnia on the way.

0:05:43 > 0:05:46"We've got to get in the car. It's going to take about seven hours."

0:05:46 > 0:05:49I said, "There's no way I am getting in that car now."

0:05:49 > 0:05:52I said, "I've just had a fantastic gig."

0:05:52 > 0:05:55I said, "No way am I going to get in the car before I've had a drink."

0:05:55 > 0:05:58So I walked out. Walked out of the Sunderland Empire.

0:05:58 > 0:06:01There's a pub round the corner and I walked into this pub

0:06:01 > 0:06:04and this is when I found out I was a perv,

0:06:04 > 0:06:05because as I walked into the pub,

0:06:05 > 0:06:08there was a gaggle of girls at the bar.

0:06:08 > 0:06:11And you know what I mean by a gaggle of girls, a gang of girls.

0:06:11 > 0:06:14You know you get gangs of girls going out, groups of them,

0:06:14 > 0:06:16you know what I mean, packs of girls.

0:06:16 > 0:06:19All going gaggle, gaggle, gaggle, gaggle.

0:06:19 > 0:06:22You know what they're like. They go around in groups now, don't they?

0:06:22 > 0:06:24And there's different groups amongst them,

0:06:24 > 0:06:27the young ones and then there's the others.

0:06:27 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER

0:06:30 > 0:06:32The MILFs.

0:06:32 > 0:06:34You know what I'm on about.

0:06:34 > 0:06:39All those women who are 35 plus who go out in a big group now.

0:06:39 > 0:06:42They're fucking scary, them, aren't they?

0:06:42 > 0:06:45All the women who have seen and done everything,

0:06:45 > 0:06:47who are all out for one big last night out

0:06:47 > 0:06:50before the menopause hits them and they all get a beard.

0:06:50 > 0:06:52God, they're terrifying, them,

0:06:52 > 0:06:55because they are, they're like sailors in port for a night out.

0:06:55 > 0:06:57They go, "Eh, you, get your cock out. Eh, eh!"

0:06:57 > 0:06:59Well, it wasn't them.

0:06:59 > 0:07:01I walked in. There was a group of girls stood at the bar.

0:07:01 > 0:07:06Young girls, drinking blue stuff out of a bottle,

0:07:06 > 0:07:07which is just wrong.

0:07:07 > 0:07:11No, if it looks like it could be bubble bath, don't drink it.

0:07:11 > 0:07:14So they're stood there drinking it and I walked in

0:07:14 > 0:07:16and as I walked, in one of the girls just turned and went...

0:07:16 > 0:07:17HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL

0:07:21 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER

0:07:25 > 0:07:27"I've just been to see you.

0:07:28 > 0:07:31"You were brilliant!"

0:07:33 > 0:07:36I've got to be honest with you, I didn't know what to do.

0:07:36 > 0:07:39You know, because I'm not used to being recognised.

0:07:39 > 0:07:42And also, I've been married 18 years.

0:07:42 > 0:07:45It's a long time since I've seen an excited woman.

0:07:45 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER

0:07:48 > 0:07:49I couldn't get past her to get to the bar.

0:07:49 > 0:07:51Every time I went, she was going...

0:07:51 > 0:07:52HIGH PITCHED GIGGLE

0:07:52 > 0:07:55I thought, I'll say something. I said, "Thanks for coming, love."

0:07:55 > 0:07:57I said, "Who did you come with?

0:07:57 > 0:08:02She said, "Oh, I came with all of my friends!

0:08:02 > 0:08:03"They're my friends!"

0:08:03 > 0:08:07Because that's what girls are like. Girls LOVE their friends.

0:08:07 > 0:08:10If you was to say to a bloke, "Who did you come with?",

0:08:10 > 0:08:11he'd go, "Oh, them knobheads."

0:08:11 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER

0:08:14 > 0:08:17"Tossers, don't know why I hang around with any of them."

0:08:17 > 0:08:20But girls love their friends. "They're my friends!"

0:08:20 > 0:08:23She said, "We all came out for my birthday weekend."

0:08:26 > 0:08:30She said, "I was 18 on Friday...

0:08:30 > 0:08:32"which means I'm legal now."

0:08:35 > 0:08:38To which I instinctively said,

0:08:38 > 0:08:41"To be honest with you, love, you were legal two years ago."

0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:08:51 > 0:08:53And she just looked at me,

0:08:53 > 0:08:57with eyes full of disgust and disappointment,

0:08:57 > 0:08:58like I was the randy uncle

0:08:58 > 0:09:02who'd rubbed up against her at the wedding.

0:09:02 > 0:09:04And she just went, "I meant to drink."

0:09:04 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER

0:09:07 > 0:09:11I have never felt more like a pervert in all of my life.

0:09:11 > 0:09:14Short of saying, "Do you want to see the puppies in the van",

0:09:14 > 0:09:16I couldn't have been more like a perv.

0:09:18 > 0:09:21But a lot of my mates, they go, "Oh, it's probably changed for you,

0:09:21 > 0:09:24"I bet your lads think you're cool because you do stuff on telly."

0:09:24 > 0:09:26And it hasn't. I mean, this has,

0:09:26 > 0:09:28without a doubt,

0:09:28 > 0:09:31this has been a brilliant, brilliant year for me.

0:09:31 > 0:09:34In fact, we've called this tour Sunshine,

0:09:34 > 0:09:37because someone said to me "You're having a brilliant year.

0:09:37 > 0:09:40"It's like your time in the sunshine,"

0:09:40 > 0:09:44which is another way of saying it's not going to last.

0:09:44 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER

0:09:45 > 0:09:48And sometimes things pop up.

0:09:48 > 0:09:51Things pop up that make you think, "Oh, that's a great opportunity."

0:09:51 > 0:09:52I got a phone call,

0:09:52 > 0:09:55it would've been, probably would've been about eight weeks ago,

0:09:55 > 0:09:59got a phone call off someone saying, "Do you want to go on Top Gear?"

0:09:59 > 0:10:02Which to be honest with you, when I was a teenager,

0:10:02 > 0:10:04that was a very different phone call,

0:10:04 > 0:10:06but it led to a very interesting weekend.

0:10:09 > 0:10:11For those people who don't know,

0:10:11 > 0:10:15Top Gear is a television programme about cars

0:10:15 > 0:10:18presented by three men from the BNP.

0:10:23 > 0:10:25So he says, "Do you want to go on Top Gear?"

0:10:25 > 0:10:27Now, my lads love Top Gear.

0:10:27 > 0:10:31Any dad in here with a son, you know that your whole thing in life now

0:10:31 > 0:10:32is to not be a knob.

0:10:32 > 0:10:33That's what it is.

0:10:33 > 0:10:36Because when you've got a son, your son thinks you're a knob.

0:10:36 > 0:10:38That's true. That's just the way it is.

0:10:38 > 0:10:39Every son thinks his dad's a knob.

0:10:39 > 0:10:42There's dads looking at me going, "My son doesn't think I'm a knob."

0:10:42 > 0:10:44He does. He thinks you're a knob.

0:10:44 > 0:10:46And you think, "No, he doesn't think I'm a knob."

0:10:46 > 0:10:48Before we came we were in the garden.

0:10:48 > 0:10:50I was kicking the ball, he was kicking it back.

0:10:50 > 0:10:52But every time he kicked it back he was going,

0:10:52 > 0:10:54"There you go, you fucking knob!"

0:10:54 > 0:10:56LAUGHTER

0:10:56 > 0:10:58It's just the natural order of things.

0:10:58 > 0:11:00So all you've got to do is to try and not be a knob

0:11:00 > 0:11:02for as long as possible.

0:11:02 > 0:11:04So I thought, "This is an opportunity

0:11:04 > 0:11:06"to not be a knob in front of my lads!"

0:11:06 > 0:11:08I said, "I'd LOVE to go on Top Gear."

0:11:08 > 0:11:10They said, "Right." So I went down.

0:11:10 > 0:11:12They film it in this place called Guildford

0:11:12 > 0:11:14and what happens is, you get there,

0:11:14 > 0:11:16they have this aircraft hangar where the studio is,

0:11:16 > 0:11:18and then they've got this airfield

0:11:18 > 0:11:20and you do this thing called The Star In The Ordinary Car,

0:11:20 > 0:11:22where you drive around the track. So I turn up.

0:11:22 > 0:11:25The first thing you do is, they put you in the car

0:11:25 > 0:11:28and you do four laps with a fellow called Stig,

0:11:28 > 0:11:31who's just dressed head to toe in white.

0:11:31 > 0:11:33He just looks like a giant sperm.

0:11:33 > 0:11:36And you sit there and you drive around the track.

0:11:36 > 0:11:37And what you're supposed to do,

0:11:37 > 0:11:41he's meant to give you tips as you drive around the track.

0:11:41 > 0:11:43That didn't work for me. We only did four laps

0:11:43 > 0:11:45and in all the four laps, I was going,

0:11:45 > 0:11:48"Go on, what's your name? Go on, what's your name?

0:11:48 > 0:11:50"Go on! I'll tickle you! What's your name?

0:11:50 > 0:11:52"What's your name? Go on, what's your name? What's your name?"

0:11:52 > 0:11:55Do the four laps, and then you get to go and drive the car yourself.

0:11:55 > 0:11:56I have to be honest.

0:11:56 > 0:11:58Up to that point in my life,

0:11:58 > 0:12:00I'd never driven a car around a track.

0:12:00 > 0:12:03I have driven cars that didn't belong to me very quickly,

0:12:03 > 0:12:05but I've never driven a car around a track.

0:12:05 > 0:12:07I got in the car, drove it around the track

0:12:07 > 0:12:10and then you go in and do the interview with Jeremy Clarkson,

0:12:10 > 0:12:11who's a very friendly bloke.

0:12:11 > 0:12:13Went in, did the interview with Jeremy.

0:12:13 > 0:12:15At the end of the interview he said,

0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Do you want to see how you got on, on your fastest lap

0:12:17 > 0:12:19"as The Star in the Ordinary Car?

0:12:19 > 0:12:22Up to the point that I went on the show,

0:12:22 > 0:12:24the person who's the fastest as The Star In The Ordinary Car

0:12:24 > 0:12:27was Tom Cruise.

0:12:27 > 0:12:28I'm sat there. He shows me my lap.

0:12:28 > 0:12:31I had no idea to know whether it was fast or not.

0:12:31 > 0:12:33He says, "Do you want to know how you got on?"

0:12:33 > 0:12:37He opens the envelope. He said, "You did it in 1 minute...

0:12:37 > 0:12:40"42.8 seconds."

0:12:40 > 0:12:43A massive cheer went up in the studio,

0:12:43 > 0:12:46as he then stood up and put me on top of the leaderboard.

0:12:46 > 0:12:48I beat Tom Cruise!

0:12:48 > 0:12:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:12:56 > 0:12:58I cannot tell you what that felt like.

0:12:58 > 0:13:01I wanted to get on the phone to Hollywood and say,

0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Hey, Tom! Stick that Scientology up your arse, lad!

0:13:03 > 0:13:05"The Scousers are here!"

0:13:07 > 0:13:09But then what happens is, before you leave the studio,

0:13:09 > 0:13:11you've got to sign an agreement

0:13:11 > 0:13:12not to tell anyone, not even your kids,

0:13:12 > 0:13:14because with Facebook and stuff,

0:13:14 > 0:13:16if you tell anyone your time,

0:13:16 > 0:13:19it spreads all over the place before it comes out on the Sunday.

0:13:19 > 0:13:21I said, "Fine. Not a problem. I won't tell anyone.

0:13:21 > 0:13:22"I'll keep it to myself."

0:13:22 > 0:13:25I got in the car, I drove away from the studio.

0:13:25 > 0:13:29For the first time EVER,

0:13:29 > 0:13:32EVER...for the first time ever,

0:13:32 > 0:13:34my three teenage sons

0:13:34 > 0:13:37INDIVIDUALLY phoned me

0:13:37 > 0:13:41on their INDIVIDUAL mobile phones.

0:13:41 > 0:13:44That has NEVER EVER happened before.

0:13:44 > 0:13:46Normally, I ring them and they go...

0:13:49 > 0:13:51But they phoned me and asked me the same thing.

0:13:51 > 0:13:53Said, "How did you get on, Dad?"

0:13:53 > 0:13:57I said, "Well, you know, can't really say, but I did OK."

0:13:57 > 0:13:58"No, come on. Did you crash?"

0:14:00 > 0:14:02"No, I didn't crash." "You crashed!"

0:14:02 > 0:14:04"I DIDN'T CRASH!" My wife phoned and said,

0:14:04 > 0:14:07"How did you get on?" I said, "I can't really say, but I did OK."

0:14:07 > 0:14:09She said, "Did you stall it,

0:14:09 > 0:14:12"like that car on holiday seven years ago?"

0:14:12 > 0:14:14I said, "I didn't stall that car!"

0:14:14 > 0:14:17"You did stall it! Remember, you were going to punch that man!"

0:14:17 > 0:14:19I said, "I DIDN'T FUCKING STALL IT!"

0:14:19 > 0:14:22I thought, "I'm going to say nothing. I'm going to wait."

0:14:22 > 0:14:23So Sunday arrived.

0:14:23 > 0:14:26We're in our house. We're watching the telly.

0:14:26 > 0:14:30It comes on Top Gear. When they show it on Top Gear, they show it the other way around.

0:14:30 > 0:14:32They show the interview first, which I didn't like,

0:14:32 > 0:14:36because what a lot of people probably might find surprising is,

0:14:36 > 0:14:40I genuinely don't like looking at myself on the television.

0:14:40 > 0:14:42And the reason for that is because I see what

0:14:42 > 0:14:43I know a lot of you are seeing

0:14:43 > 0:14:46when you look at these screens for the first time

0:14:46 > 0:14:49and I think I know what a lot of you are thinking which is,

0:14:49 > 0:14:51"Look at the teeth on that!"

0:14:51 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER

0:14:55 > 0:14:56That's all I ever see.

0:14:56 > 0:14:58So everyone in the country's

0:14:58 > 0:15:01watching Jeremy Clarkson having an interview with me.

0:15:01 > 0:15:02All I can see is Jeremy Clarkson

0:15:02 > 0:15:05talking to a scouse horse going, "Yeah, ha-ha!"

0:15:09 > 0:15:10And then it comes to the bit.

0:15:10 > 0:15:12He says, "Do you want to see how you got on,

0:15:12 > 0:15:13"as The Star In The Ordinary Car?

0:15:13 > 0:15:15I thought, "This is my moment."

0:15:15 > 0:15:19All I've got to do now is to wait for 1 minute 42.8 seconds.

0:15:19 > 0:15:23After which point, my whole family will turn round and go, "Jesus!

0:15:23 > 0:15:27"we didn't know we were living with a hero!"

0:15:27 > 0:15:31And then my children will pick me up on their shoulders

0:15:31 > 0:15:34and parade me through the streets wearing T-shirts saying

0:15:34 > 0:15:37"Tom Cruise is a bit of a wanker."

0:15:39 > 0:15:41I'm sat there. The car pulls off.

0:15:41 > 0:15:44My wife went, "Oh, you didn't stall it."

0:15:44 > 0:15:48I said, "I know." "But you did stall that car on holiday seven years ago."

0:15:48 > 0:15:49I said, "I didn't fucking stall that!"

0:15:49 > 0:15:51Goes round. It finishes.

0:15:51 > 0:15:52When it finishes, he says,

0:15:52 > 0:15:55"Do you want to see how you got on as The Star In The Ordinary Car?

0:15:55 > 0:15:58I said, "Yes, Jezza." He opened the envelope.

0:15:58 > 0:16:00He says, "You did it in 1 minute 42.8 seconds,"

0:16:00 > 0:16:04at which point there was a MASSIVE cheer in the studio

0:16:04 > 0:16:08but as ONE, my three lads got off the couch and went, "Oh..."

0:16:11 > 0:16:13And walked out the room. I said, "Where are yous going?"

0:16:13 > 0:16:16They went, "Where are we going?! "Where are we going?!

0:16:16 > 0:16:18"We bet everyone at school you crashed!"

0:16:18 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:28 > 0:16:30To be honest with you,

0:16:30 > 0:16:33this isn't the first DVD that I've done.

0:16:33 > 0:16:35I did a DVD last year

0:16:35 > 0:16:38and I did it last year,

0:16:38 > 0:16:41it went on sale at Christmas

0:16:41 > 0:16:44and we were in here at Christmas,

0:16:44 > 0:16:48I was doing six nights at the Echo Arena.

0:16:49 > 0:16:52Yeah, six nights at the Echo Arena up to Christmas.

0:16:52 > 0:16:54Now, I've got to tell you this story,

0:16:54 > 0:16:56because it would only happen in Liverpool.

0:16:56 > 0:16:59If you remember what happened at Christmas,

0:16:59 > 0:17:03it snowed about two or three inches.

0:17:03 > 0:17:06On the first night of my run of six nights in the Echo Arena, it snowed.

0:17:08 > 0:17:10I phoned my wife up.

0:17:10 > 0:17:13I said, "Listen, love. I don't know if you've seen,

0:17:13 > 0:17:16"but there's a blizzard outside.

0:17:16 > 0:17:18"There must be two or three inches of snow.

0:17:18 > 0:17:22"You know I'm booked in the Echo Arena for six nights.

0:17:22 > 0:17:25"You know I'm not due to finish until Christmas Eve,

0:17:25 > 0:17:28"and all the lads have had a chat,

0:17:28 > 0:17:31"and we think I shouldn't really risk

0:17:31 > 0:17:33"that 35 minute drive home..."

0:17:33 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER

0:17:35 > 0:17:38"..in conditions like this.

0:17:38 > 0:17:41"We all agree that the best thing I can do

0:17:41 > 0:17:44"is to stay at the five-star hotel across the road."

0:17:45 > 0:17:49Every one of the married men in this room's looking at me thinking,

0:17:49 > 0:17:53"You've got no chance!"

0:17:53 > 0:17:54My wife said, "No, I agree."

0:17:56 > 0:17:59But every married woman knows exactly what she said next.

0:17:59 > 0:18:02She said, "I agree...but as you're staying in town,

0:18:02 > 0:18:05"I've got this list."

0:18:05 > 0:18:08So I spent all of the run-up to Christmas

0:18:08 > 0:18:10doing all the shopping

0:18:10 > 0:18:14and as I say, what had happened is, we'd brought out the DVD.

0:18:14 > 0:18:17I had to go to HMV a lot, because I've got teenage boys,

0:18:17 > 0:18:20and the stuff that they want is in HMV.

0:18:20 > 0:18:21We're responsible parents.

0:18:21 > 0:18:23We don't like the kids hanging around the streets.

0:18:23 > 0:18:25I don't mind them sitting in their bedroom

0:18:25 > 0:18:27playing Grand Theft Auto

0:18:27 > 0:18:30and shooting hookers on the internet,

0:18:30 > 0:18:32but I just don't want them doing it for real.

0:18:32 > 0:18:35When you bring out a DVD, they really push it

0:18:35 > 0:18:37in the city you're from, because there,

0:18:37 > 0:18:38particularly with me,

0:18:38 > 0:18:40they think, "Well, at least

0:18:40 > 0:18:42"they can understand what he's saying."

0:18:42 > 0:18:44You know what it's like when you go into HMV.

0:18:44 > 0:18:46You just end up buying a load of shite, don't you?

0:18:46 > 0:18:49You just think, "Oh, look at that! There's a box set of Bagpuss.

0:18:49 > 0:18:52"I haven't got that. Oh, I haven't seen that for years!"

0:18:52 > 0:18:54So I ended up with this big stack of stuff,

0:18:54 > 0:18:57and as I was looking for all this stuff, I saw this film.

0:18:57 > 0:18:59This film I hadn't seen since I was 12.

0:18:59 > 0:19:031978, it came out. I got sneaked in to see it.

0:19:03 > 0:19:05I thought, "That is brilliant!"

0:19:05 > 0:19:06It had been digitally re-mastered.

0:19:06 > 0:19:10I don't even know what digitally re-mastered means.

0:19:10 > 0:19:12But for £4.99, and it's digitally re-mastered,

0:19:12 > 0:19:15I was going to buy it, because it was the first time

0:19:15 > 0:19:18I'd ever seen a man doing something that wasn't playing football

0:19:18 > 0:19:19and I wanted to be that man.

0:19:19 > 0:19:20If you're the same age as me,

0:19:20 > 0:19:23I don't even have to name the film.

0:19:23 > 0:19:25I've just got to do that.

0:19:25 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER

0:19:27 > 0:19:29Oh, yeah!

0:19:29 > 0:19:31Saturday Night Fever.

0:19:31 > 0:19:32Saturday Night Fever.

0:19:32 > 0:19:35It came out in 1978.

0:19:35 > 0:19:37I couldn't get in to see it because you had to be 18,

0:19:37 > 0:19:40and then, we didn't have a number saying 18.

0:19:40 > 0:19:41No, we just had a letter.

0:19:41 > 0:19:43A big X, going, "FUCK OFF!"

0:19:46 > 0:19:47To get in to see it you had to be 18

0:19:47 > 0:19:49or have a letter off the Pope.

0:19:49 > 0:19:51It was a film about a man

0:19:51 > 0:19:55in a white three-piece suit, disco dancing,

0:19:55 > 0:19:56and you had to be 18 to get in

0:19:56 > 0:19:58to see a film about the man

0:19:58 > 0:20:00in a white three-piece suit, disco dancing.

0:20:00 > 0:20:05It just shows you how times have changed because now,

0:20:05 > 0:20:07now, if you left this building

0:20:07 > 0:20:09wearing a white three-piece suit

0:20:09 > 0:20:13and walked into the nearest nightclub

0:20:13 > 0:20:16and went and stood on the dancefloor and went...

0:20:17 > 0:20:20"I need a bit of space here, lads."

0:20:22 > 0:20:26There'd be a good chance that you'd get your head kicked in.

0:20:26 > 0:20:27Unless it was Garlands.

0:20:27 > 0:20:29There's a good chance you'd cop off then.

0:20:29 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:33 > 0:20:37But in 1978, there was nothing cooler than being a man

0:20:37 > 0:20:40in a white three-piece suit. I thought, "I'm having that."

0:20:40 > 0:20:42I added it to my stack of stuff.

0:20:42 > 0:20:44The problem was, in HMV, they were having a big push.

0:20:44 > 0:20:46If you'd have gone into the one in Liverpool,

0:20:46 > 0:20:48they had a big push on my DVD.

0:20:48 > 0:20:50So I walked into the shop.

0:20:50 > 0:20:53There was a lifesize cut-out of myself.

0:20:53 > 0:20:56A cardboard...can you imagine how odd it is to walk into a shop

0:20:56 > 0:20:59and see a lifesize cardboard cut-out of yourself like that?

0:21:01 > 0:21:03Particularly when you're like me,

0:21:03 > 0:21:06and 35% of your head is taken up with your teeth.

0:21:06 > 0:21:08I was like, "Oh, for..."

0:21:10 > 0:21:13I had a hat on and a scarf and I got into the queue that they do

0:21:13 > 0:21:14where they zigzag you like the airport.

0:21:14 > 0:21:16It was all right when I was going that way,

0:21:16 > 0:21:18but every time I turned,

0:21:18 > 0:21:20that way there was a lifesize cut-out of myself going, "Hiya!"

0:21:20 > 0:21:23As we were walking, there was a woman in front of me.

0:21:23 > 0:21:25Looked like she was in her sixties.

0:21:25 > 0:21:27She had a copy of my DVD.

0:21:27 > 0:21:30So as we were coming along like that, I thought, "That's nice."

0:21:30 > 0:21:32Coming along and then you know what happens,

0:21:32 > 0:21:33you get to the end of the zigzag

0:21:33 > 0:21:36and then in HMV you get presented with a counter,

0:21:36 > 0:21:39and behind that counter there's a load of people who look like

0:21:39 > 0:21:42all they've done for the last ten years is play Dungeons and Dragons.

0:21:43 > 0:21:47They're all stood there with ethnic earrings and goatee beards,

0:21:47 > 0:21:50and that's just the girls.

0:21:50 > 0:21:53And it's sort of random which one of these spotty Herberts

0:21:53 > 0:21:55is going to serve you.

0:21:55 > 0:21:58All of a sudden, two become available next to each other,

0:21:58 > 0:22:01so I step forward and I put my stack of stuff down

0:22:01 > 0:22:03and then the woman steps forward with my DVD.

0:22:03 > 0:22:05As I put my stuff down, it becomes apparent

0:22:05 > 0:22:08that the lad who is about to serve me recognised who I was.

0:22:08 > 0:22:11Then it became obvious that the lad who was about to serve her

0:22:11 > 0:22:12also recognised who I was,

0:22:12 > 0:22:16so I thought, "Well, my cover is blown."

0:22:16 > 0:22:18So as she went to put the DVD down

0:22:18 > 0:22:19I went...

0:22:22 > 0:22:24I said, "I hope you enjoy that, love."

0:22:24 > 0:22:28She said "I'm getting it for me fella. I think he's shite."

0:22:28 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:36 > 0:22:38There's nothing more humbling

0:22:38 > 0:22:41on this planet than to be stood in front of two lads

0:22:41 > 0:22:44that you know have never kissed a girl,

0:22:44 > 0:22:46and see them both look at you going...

0:22:46 > 0:22:47HE MOUTHS

0:22:49 > 0:22:51But what happened, I took my stack of stuff home

0:22:51 > 0:22:54and over the Christmas period, my oldest lad had a sleepover.

0:22:54 > 0:22:56My oldest lad's 16 and he had a sleepover,

0:22:56 > 0:22:58which is a ridiculous phenomena,

0:22:58 > 0:22:59this sleepover business.

0:22:59 > 0:23:02I don't know who started this. I think it's a pain in the arse.

0:23:02 > 0:23:05When I was growing up, if you slept at someone else's house,

0:23:05 > 0:23:06you'd copped off.

0:23:06 > 0:23:09He had a sleepover with four of his mates.

0:23:09 > 0:23:14That's five 16 year-old boys sleeping in one room.

0:23:14 > 0:23:17FIVE 16 year-old boys sleeping in one room.

0:23:17 > 0:23:20I don't know if anyone in here has ever been into a room

0:23:20 > 0:23:23where FIVE 16 year-old boys have slept?

0:23:24 > 0:23:26They stink.

0:23:28 > 0:23:30And they stink with a stink

0:23:30 > 0:23:33that you have never possibly smelt in your life

0:23:33 > 0:23:35anywhere else in the world.

0:23:35 > 0:23:37It's just this stink that oozes off them.

0:23:37 > 0:23:40And you walk in and it hits you like mustard gas.

0:23:40 > 0:23:42You think, "Oh, for fuck's sake..."

0:23:43 > 0:23:46And they're sat there, the five of them, watching his telly.

0:23:46 > 0:23:48Watching MTV on the telly.

0:23:48 > 0:23:50Some rappy-dappy shite on the telly.

0:23:50 > 0:23:52Some lad just looking at the camera going,

0:23:52 > 0:23:56HE RAPS # I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

0:23:56 > 0:23:58# I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

0:23:58 > 0:24:01# I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

0:24:01 > 0:24:03# You're going to get this cap popped in your ass, bitch

0:24:03 > 0:24:05# I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

0:24:05 > 0:24:08# Yo, bitch, I'm going to pop this cap in your ass

0:24:08 > 0:24:09# You're going to get this pop in your ass

0:24:09 > 0:24:12# You're going to get this pop popped in your ass, bitch

0:24:12 > 0:24:16# Oh, yeah, you're going to get it in your ass. Bitch. #

0:24:16 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:24 > 0:24:27I cannot believe you just clapped that.

0:24:27 > 0:24:30There's a load of people in this room over 40 going,

0:24:30 > 0:24:33"He's quite good at that rapping business, isn't he?"

0:24:33 > 0:24:36But I walked in and I saw it,

0:24:36 > 0:24:38and the first thing I said was, "This is shit."

0:24:38 > 0:24:40My lad went, "No, it's not."

0:24:40 > 0:24:42I said, "It's shit."

0:24:42 > 0:24:43He said, "It's not."

0:24:43 > 0:24:45And the reason I said that was because I'm his dad.

0:24:45 > 0:24:49And it doesn't matter what was on, I would think his music's shit,

0:24:49 > 0:24:51because I've now turned into MY dad.

0:24:51 > 0:24:53And I've started saying things that my dad says.

0:24:53 > 0:24:55I'll often look out the window and say, "See that?

0:24:55 > 0:24:58"I remember when all that was fields."

0:24:58 > 0:25:01I don't. We've only just moved there. But I keep saying it.

0:25:01 > 0:25:02I can't help myself.

0:25:02 > 0:25:06So I just walked in and I said "Oh, this is shit."

0:25:06 > 0:25:08I said, "You know what's wrong with that lad?

0:25:08 > 0:25:09"You know what's wrong with him?

0:25:09 > 0:25:12"Arthritis. Look at his hands! Eh?

0:25:12 > 0:25:15"That's why the poor kid wants to shoot everyone. He's in agony!"

0:25:17 > 0:25:19My lad went... HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

0:25:19 > 0:25:21"You should be a comedian."

0:25:21 > 0:25:22To which his mates laughed,

0:25:22 > 0:25:24which I didn't like.

0:25:28 > 0:25:31Because all of a sudden, that meant I was in a row.

0:25:31 > 0:25:34And every father in this room knows you can't lose a row.

0:25:34 > 0:25:36Not when they're that age.

0:25:36 > 0:25:37Not when they're that age,

0:25:37 > 0:25:39because if you lose a row at that age,

0:25:39 > 0:25:41that means they go up and you come down.

0:25:41 > 0:25:43That's the way things are.

0:25:43 > 0:25:44If anyone in here has ever watched

0:25:44 > 0:25:47one of those David Attenborough documentaries,

0:25:47 > 0:25:48you'll know what I mean.

0:25:48 > 0:25:50You know when there's a big lion there,

0:25:50 > 0:25:52and the other lion comes over

0:25:52 > 0:25:54and has a go at the big lion?

0:25:54 > 0:25:55And the big lion loses

0:25:55 > 0:25:58and then has to go and sit over there,

0:25:58 > 0:26:00while all the lions have a zebra?

0:26:00 > 0:26:02I thought, "That's not happening."

0:26:02 > 0:26:05I thought, "If I lose this argument, on Christmas Day

0:26:05 > 0:26:08"I'm going to be stood in our garden like that..."

0:26:08 > 0:26:12LAUGHTER

0:26:15 > 0:26:17Looking through the kitchen window

0:26:17 > 0:26:19while he's sat in my chair with a big leg going...

0:26:19 > 0:26:22HE MOUTHS

0:26:22 > 0:26:25And I thought, "I'm not going to lose this argument!"

0:26:25 > 0:26:28The problem is, I always end up pushing the argument too far

0:26:28 > 0:26:30because I don't want to lose the argument.

0:26:30 > 0:26:32I said, "It's shit." He says, "It's not."

0:26:32 > 0:26:34I said, "It is, it is!"

0:26:34 > 0:26:36As I walked away, he just said something

0:26:36 > 0:26:39and it hit me on the back of the head like a flannel.

0:26:39 > 0:26:41He said "It's cool."

0:26:41 > 0:26:43I said, "What?!"

0:26:43 > 0:26:44I said, "That's not cool!"

0:26:44 > 0:26:46He said, "You wouldn't know what's cool."

0:26:49 > 0:26:52I...I wouldn't know what's cool?!

0:26:52 > 0:26:54I said, "Sit there, knobhead."

0:26:54 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER

0:26:57 > 0:26:59I went downstairs. I picked up

0:26:59 > 0:27:01my digitally re-mastered version...

0:27:01 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER

0:27:03 > 0:27:06..of Saturday Night Fever.

0:27:06 > 0:27:08I carried it through the house

0:27:08 > 0:27:12like it was the Olympic torch of coolness.

0:27:12 > 0:27:13I walked into his bedroom.

0:27:13 > 0:27:14I said, "You five, sit down.

0:27:14 > 0:27:16"You're going to get a lesson in cool."

0:27:20 > 0:27:24I'm just going to let every father in this room know,

0:27:24 > 0:27:28NEVER show your kids what you thought was cool.

0:27:28 > 0:27:31Because there is no more positive way of proving

0:27:31 > 0:27:34that you are actually a KNOB than doing that.

0:27:34 > 0:27:38Because they put it on...for me, it was brilliant. It was brilliant.

0:27:38 > 0:27:41I mean, we only lasted 20 minutes before the argument went too far,

0:27:41 > 0:27:44but during those 20 minutes, it was a trip down memory lane.

0:27:44 > 0:27:45It was fantastic.

0:27:45 > 0:27:48If you know the film, it starts off...it's BRILLIANT!

0:27:48 > 0:27:50It starts off with John Travolta walking like that.

0:27:52 > 0:27:54He's carrying a can of paint.

0:27:57 > 0:27:59He's got big massive flares on.

0:27:59 > 0:28:00And they're brilliant.

0:28:00 > 0:28:04If you're from Widnes, you won't notice the flares.

0:28:04 > 0:28:05They probably look normal.

0:28:05 > 0:28:07And he's carrying this can of paint.

0:28:07 > 0:28:09I said, "Look at that! Eh, eh?

0:28:09 > 0:28:10"Now that's fucking cool!

0:28:10 > 0:28:13"If I could look that cool carrying paint,

0:28:13 > 0:28:15"I would go to B&Q every day."

0:28:16 > 0:28:19We lasted, as I say, 20 minutes, but during that time

0:28:19 > 0:28:21I saw all the things that I remembered in the film.

0:28:21 > 0:28:24I hadn't seen it since I was 12. Not properly.

0:28:24 > 0:28:25To see it was brilliant.

0:28:25 > 0:28:26It brought all the memories back.

0:28:26 > 0:28:29There's a scene where John Travolta's getting ready

0:28:29 > 0:28:31to go disco dancing for the first time.

0:28:31 > 0:28:35I remember seeing it when I was 12

0:28:35 > 0:28:37because he was in his bedroom like that with a hairdryer.

0:28:37 > 0:28:39HE MIMICS HAIRDRYER RUMBLING

0:28:39 > 0:28:41And I remember being 12, thinking,

0:28:41 > 0:28:44"He's got a hairdryer! His own hairdryer!"

0:28:44 > 0:28:46It wasn't a family hairdryer!

0:28:46 > 0:28:49There wasn't a queue of people behind him with wet heads.

0:28:49 > 0:28:50He had his own hairdryer!

0:28:50 > 0:28:53And he was stood there in black undies.

0:28:53 > 0:28:55BLACK undies!

0:28:55 > 0:28:57I remember being 12, thinking,

0:28:57 > 0:29:00"Where on earth do you get BLACK underpants?

0:29:00 > 0:29:02"I would LOVE a pair of black underpants

0:29:02 > 0:29:06"instead of these things with trains on!"

0:29:08 > 0:29:11The argument's lasted 20 minutes up to the point,

0:29:11 > 0:29:13and if you know the film, you know the iconic scene

0:29:13 > 0:29:15where John Travolta goes disco dancing for the first time.

0:29:15 > 0:29:18He's on the floor, disco dancing. He suddenly stopped.

0:29:20 > 0:29:24And he Cossack-danced across the dancefloor.

0:29:24 > 0:29:27I remember being in the cinema in 1978, everyone went,

0:29:27 > 0:29:30"Fucking hell! Did you just see that?!"

0:29:30 > 0:29:32Because we had no CGI in 1978.

0:29:32 > 0:29:34He Cossack-danced!

0:29:34 > 0:29:36In 1978, the Berlin Wall was still up.

0:29:36 > 0:29:39We had no idea what Cossacks were up to.

0:29:39 > 0:29:41All of a sudden, he Cossack-danced.

0:29:41 > 0:29:44Everyone in the cinema went, "God, that's brilliant!"

0:29:44 > 0:29:47I said to my son, "Eh?! Now that's cool!"

0:29:47 > 0:29:50He went, "No, Dad." I said, "Yeah, that's cool!"

0:29:50 > 0:29:53He said, "No, it's not." I said, "That's cool, that is!"

0:29:53 > 0:29:56He just treated it with the same degree of distain

0:29:56 > 0:29:58that every 16 year-old treats everything.

0:29:58 > 0:30:01He just went, "That?" HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

0:30:01 > 0:30:03"That's gay."

0:30:08 > 0:30:11I said, "That's not fucking gay, that's brilliant, that is."

0:30:11 > 0:30:14He said, "That's gay." All his mates started laughing.

0:30:14 > 0:30:17I said, "That's not fucking gay. That's Cossack-dancing, that is.

0:30:17 > 0:30:20"That's brilliant, that is." He said, "It's gay."

0:30:20 > 0:30:22I said, "It's not gay! Bumming your mates is gay!

0:30:22 > 0:30:25"That's Cossack-dancing!"

0:30:34 > 0:30:36"Do you lads want a cup of tea?"

0:30:38 > 0:30:40I could see them all looking at me

0:30:40 > 0:30:43going, "Jesus, Mr Bishop, that was a bit much, wasn't it?"

0:30:43 > 0:30:44But you can't help it -

0:30:44 > 0:30:48when you're in an argument with a 16-year-old, you cannot help it.

0:30:48 > 0:30:50And I'll tell you why, cos they're a teenager.

0:30:50 > 0:30:53I'll tell you why, it's because teenagers now are just different,

0:30:53 > 0:30:56different than anything we've ever had before.

0:30:56 > 0:31:00They're just different. They've got all this Facebook bollocks which is just ridiculous.

0:31:00 > 0:31:04When I was growing up, Facebook was a book with your face on it. Now...

0:31:04 > 0:31:07it's the only way anyone talks and people get obsessed...

0:31:07 > 0:31:11Twitter and all this stuff.

0:31:11 > 0:31:14And there's probably teenagers who think it's hard being a teenager.

0:31:14 > 0:31:18And there's probably teenagers in this room right now.

0:31:18 > 0:31:19And if you're a teenager,

0:31:19 > 0:31:23I can guarantee that you have absolutely...

0:31:23 > 0:31:29no comprehension of how much of a twat you are...

0:31:29 > 0:31:30most of the time.

0:31:30 > 0:31:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:31:37 > 0:31:39Let it out. Let it out.

0:31:39 > 0:31:42You know what that is? That's parents thinking,

0:31:42 > 0:31:45"Thank Christ I'm not the only one."

0:31:45 > 0:31:49Because no-one ever talks about it. No-one ever talks about it.

0:31:49 > 0:31:53And there'll be some people looking at me going, "Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

0:31:53 > 0:31:56"That was a bit harsh, wasn't it? Oh, twat? No, twat, no.

0:31:56 > 0:31:59"No, no, that's your kids. That's not our kids.

0:31:59 > 0:32:01"Twat - that's a bit harsh," but I'll tell you what,

0:32:01 > 0:32:05if you've got a teenage kid, there's not a parent in here who would argue with that.

0:32:05 > 0:32:09Every parent in here knows "twat" is exactly the right word.

0:32:09 > 0:32:11CHEERING

0:32:11 > 0:32:15Because every parent in here of a teenager has done that thing,

0:32:15 > 0:32:19done that thing when your child comes into the kitchen,

0:32:19 > 0:32:21comes your teenage child...

0:32:21 > 0:32:24walks into the kitchen wearing stupid jeans

0:32:24 > 0:32:28with a ridiculous haircut and goes, "Why can't I go to the party?

0:32:28 > 0:32:30"Everyone's going, there's a sleepover

0:32:30 > 0:32:34"it'll be the best party ever, like a little mini festival at the party

0:32:34 > 0:32:36"everyone's going to go. It's all on Facebook about the party.

0:32:36 > 0:32:38"They'll all be poking each other at the party.

0:32:38 > 0:32:42"If I don't go to the party no-one's going to BBM me or anything

0:32:42 > 0:32:44"because I didn't go. Everyone's texting each other about the party,

0:32:44 > 0:32:50"you won't let me go to the party cos you're the worst people in the world and my life is OVER!"

0:32:50 > 0:32:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:32:55 > 0:32:59There's not a single parent in here when that's happened who hasn't gone,

0:32:59 > 0:33:02"Where did this twat come from?"

0:33:02 > 0:33:05Because they don't start out like that.

0:33:05 > 0:33:07And no-one tells you it's going to happen.

0:33:07 > 0:33:09No-one ever says to you in the antenatal clinic,

0:33:09 > 0:33:11"Lovely baby, that, but be a twat one day."

0:33:14 > 0:33:17You've just got to find it out. And it's difficult.

0:33:17 > 0:33:20It's difficult because, as I say, they don't start off like that.

0:33:20 > 0:33:23There'll be some people in here with little ones.

0:33:23 > 0:33:26Yeah, little ones who look and go, "No, no, that won't happen to us.

0:33:26 > 0:33:28"No, no. No, no.

0:33:28 > 0:33:31"No, little Johnny come home from school today with a painting

0:33:31 > 0:33:34"and went, 'Hello, Mummy.'

0:33:34 > 0:33:38"'I love Mummy. I love Daddy. I do painting of Mummy with flowers

0:33:38 > 0:33:42"'but flowers are not as pretty as pretty Mummy because I love her.

0:33:42 > 0:33:44"Oh, look, look what he said. 'I love Mummy.'

0:33:44 > 0:33:45"Look, look!

0:33:45 > 0:33:49"'Daddy's not a knob, Daddy lovely. I love Daddy.

0:33:49 > 0:33:54"'I love Daddy. I love Mummy.' Look, look, look. Oh, look."

0:33:54 > 0:33:57Yeah, well, fucking enjoy it!

0:33:58 > 0:34:02Because it's not going to last. And you know why?

0:34:02 > 0:34:05Cos they're not going to stay like that for long.

0:34:05 > 0:34:08No. They're going to grow. They're going to grow.

0:34:08 > 0:34:10They're not going to stay like that.

0:34:10 > 0:34:14You won't even notice them growing, because they grow in secret.

0:34:14 > 0:34:15You never see them growing.

0:34:15 > 0:34:19It's just all of a sudden, their clothes don't fit and you think,

0:34:19 > 0:34:23"Their clothes don't fit," and they go, "I know, I've been growing. Ha-ha!"

0:34:24 > 0:34:28Because what happens is, they grow just a little bit every day.

0:34:28 > 0:34:31Just a little bit every day, and as they grow a little bit every day,

0:34:31 > 0:34:34a little bit of loveliness falls off them.

0:34:36 > 0:34:39A little bit of loveliness falls off them and rolls away.

0:34:39 > 0:34:42Just a little bit of loveliness rolls away

0:34:42 > 0:34:46until eventually you end up with this teenage thing.

0:34:47 > 0:34:51This big teenage thing without an ounce of loveliness left in it.

0:34:51 > 0:34:55But with an expression on its face that seems to be suggesting

0:34:55 > 0:35:00that they're doing you a favour by letting you live in their house

0:35:00 > 0:35:02and fucking pay for everything!

0:35:02 > 0:35:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:35:08 > 0:35:13And it is. It's just all-consuming. It is all-consuming.

0:35:13 > 0:35:16I mean, as I say, if you've got little ones, love them.

0:35:16 > 0:35:19Love them as much as you can and love them as long as you can,

0:35:19 > 0:35:22because they're not going to last. Seriously. Go home tonight

0:35:22 > 0:35:26and kiss them on their lovely little soft heads. Lovely soft heads.

0:35:26 > 0:35:31No matter what time you go in, go in, go home, pay the babysitter,

0:35:31 > 0:35:33go upstairs, kiss them. Love them, love them.

0:35:33 > 0:35:36If you've come from Speke, go in, let the dog out,

0:35:36 > 0:35:37go upstairs, kiss them.

0:35:37 > 0:35:41SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:35:46 > 0:35:51If you're from Speke, I'm sorry, I had about 20 places in my head then.

0:35:52 > 0:35:55The thing was, if you pick Speke, people from Speke go,

0:35:55 > 0:35:58"Yeah, he's right, it's a shithole. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

0:36:01 > 0:36:05But it is. And I'm saying this, I know there's probably people in here

0:36:05 > 0:36:09who haven't got kids. Just give me a cheer if you've got kids.

0:36:09 > 0:36:10CHEERING

0:36:10 > 0:36:12All right. That wasn't bad, yeah.

0:36:12 > 0:36:14And give me a cheer if you haven't.

0:36:14 > 0:36:17ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING

0:36:19 > 0:36:21- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Hey!

0:36:21 > 0:36:24And how come you know, mate?

0:36:25 > 0:36:28Are you in a category all on your own?

0:36:31 > 0:36:33Madonna over there.

0:36:33 > 0:36:37"I haven't got my own kids but I've bought a few. Does that count?"

0:36:37 > 0:36:39APPLAUSE

0:36:41 > 0:36:46That first group, eh, you know the people in that first group?

0:36:46 > 0:36:50You know why the people in that second group sounded happier?

0:36:50 > 0:36:51Did you notice?

0:36:51 > 0:36:54You used to sound like the people in that second group.

0:36:54 > 0:36:57You used to sound... And you know the people in that second group,

0:36:57 > 0:37:01the people without kids, you have no idea what life you lead.

0:37:01 > 0:37:04None whatsoever. You lot in that second group,

0:37:04 > 0:37:06you've had all day to get here.

0:37:06 > 0:37:09The people with kids had ten minutes.

0:37:09 > 0:37:13If you're not in and out the house in ten minutes, you're not going anywhere.

0:37:13 > 0:37:17It's a nightmare. And what happens,

0:37:17 > 0:37:20you can see the big difference on Sunday.

0:37:20 > 0:37:23Sunday is the day that you see the difference between our group

0:37:23 > 0:37:26and your group, because Sunday's the day we all do the same thing.

0:37:26 > 0:37:29Because on Sunday, we all get up on Sunday morning

0:37:29 > 0:37:30and we walk to the paper shop.

0:37:32 > 0:37:34And we buy the Sunday papers.

0:37:34 > 0:37:36And we do it and you lot in that second group, you do it.

0:37:36 > 0:37:40The difference is that when you buy the Sunday papers,

0:37:40 > 0:37:45you walk home, then you sit down and you read them like that.

0:37:45 > 0:37:47All of them like that.

0:37:47 > 0:37:50Probably with a little cafetiere of coffee,

0:37:50 > 0:37:54some warm croissants with Classic FM playing

0:37:54 > 0:37:58and your girlfriend getting a bath with rose petals in.

0:37:58 > 0:38:00And you read them like that.

0:38:00 > 0:38:03Whereas us lot, we go to the shop, we buy the Sunday papers,

0:38:03 > 0:38:07we bring them home, we put it on the coffee table. There's an argument in the kitchen,

0:38:07 > 0:38:11we're still trying to read them on fucking Wednesday!

0:38:13 > 0:38:17And you sit there reading them, and a friend phones up and says,

0:38:17 > 0:38:20"Do you want to come to the pub for Sunday lunch?"

0:38:20 > 0:38:23And you lot will say, "Yes!"

0:38:24 > 0:38:28Then you'll put the phone down and walk out the house...

0:38:28 > 0:38:31provided you can find your way through the fucking fog.

0:38:36 > 0:38:39APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:38:41 > 0:38:44I am hoping this is meant to be on the stage

0:38:44 > 0:38:47and the lecky's not fucked up again.

0:38:52 > 0:38:55I don't know if you can see it at the back, but honest to God...

0:38:57 > 0:39:00..all I can see...

0:39:00 > 0:39:04it looks like, you know when you're in a plane and coming down

0:39:04 > 0:39:07and you're thinking, "Fucking hell, what's underneath?"

0:39:07 > 0:39:11and then you see Speke Airport and you think, "Oh, fucking hell."

0:39:14 > 0:39:17But it is. You lot, you lot without kids you'll sit there

0:39:17 > 0:39:23and one of your friends will phone up and say, "Do you want to come to the pub for Sunday lunch?"

0:39:23 > 0:39:27And you lot get up and walk out the house. Walk out the house.

0:39:27 > 0:39:30They say, "Do you want to come?" and you say, "Yes."

0:39:30 > 0:39:33You put the phone down and walk out the house. That's all you ever...

0:39:33 > 0:39:36You just put the phone down and walk out the house.

0:39:36 > 0:39:40You don't make any other arrangements at all.

0:39:40 > 0:39:42You lot don't even pack a bag.

0:39:44 > 0:39:47When you've got kids, you can't just put the phone down

0:39:47 > 0:39:48and walk out the house.

0:39:48 > 0:39:52It's 16 years since I just put the phone down and walked out the house.

0:39:52 > 0:39:56We've got teenage kids. You can't go anywhere with teenage kids

0:39:56 > 0:39:59without arguing for 45 minutes first.

0:39:59 > 0:40:02And when you've got little ones, you've got to pack a bag.

0:40:02 > 0:40:07And in that bag, you've got to put everything you might possibly need

0:40:07 > 0:40:11just in case your house isn't there when you come back.

0:40:11 > 0:40:15So you put spare clothes and spare food and spare nappies

0:40:15 > 0:40:19and a fridge and a microwave and you pick everything up

0:40:19 > 0:40:21in this big massive bag

0:40:21 > 0:40:26and then you take it out to the car. And you open the boot of the car and you put the bag in,

0:40:26 > 0:40:27then go inside to get the pram.

0:40:27 > 0:40:30The pram that's meant to collapse with one hand

0:40:30 > 0:40:32but has never collapsed with one hand! You bring that out

0:40:32 > 0:40:35and then you remember that the pram's got to go in first

0:40:35 > 0:40:38cos it won't fit in cos the fucking bag's in!

0:40:38 > 0:40:40You've got to get the bag out, then put the pram in.

0:40:40 > 0:40:43Then you put the bag in, then go inside to get your baby.

0:40:43 > 0:40:47You get your first baby. Your first little baby, your first little wobbly baby.

0:40:47 > 0:40:50"Little wobbly baby. Oh, look at the wobbly baby. Wobbly baby.

0:40:50 > 0:40:53"Don't be sick on Daddy's shirt. Don't you be sick."

0:40:53 > 0:40:55And you bring your wobbly baby out to the car.

0:40:55 > 0:40:58And you open the door and you think, "Don't drop the wobbly baby.

0:40:58 > 0:41:02"Wobbly baby." Then you get the little wobbly baby

0:41:02 > 0:41:05and then you go to put the wobbly baby into the car seat.

0:41:05 > 0:41:10And then all of a sudden, that wobbly baby turns...

0:41:10 > 0:41:13to a plank of wood!

0:41:25 > 0:41:28Have you ever tried to bend a three-year-old?

0:41:29 > 0:41:32It's fucking impossible!

0:41:32 > 0:41:35You will spend 25 minutes of your life

0:41:35 > 0:41:39trying to put them in a car seat to save THEIR life!

0:41:39 > 0:41:41That didn't happen when I was growing up.

0:41:41 > 0:41:42When I was growing up,

0:41:42 > 0:41:45if you fell out the car, it was your own fucking fault!

0:41:49 > 0:41:54And you'll stand there like that. You'll stand there going, "Ohhhhh..." because you know...

0:41:54 > 0:41:55..he's got to breathe.

0:42:00 > 0:42:03"I'm not going to breathe, I'm not going to breathe..."

0:42:03 > 0:42:07And you do stupid things, you tickle them. "Tickle, tickle, tickle.

0:42:07 > 0:42:09"Tickle, tickle, tickle."

0:42:09 > 0:42:13Just till you get that chink where they go...

0:42:13 > 0:42:17As soon as they go like that you go, "Fuck off! Got you!"

0:42:17 > 0:42:20Then you get the others, pick them, bring them out to the car.

0:42:20 > 0:42:23By the time you bring them out, he's turned blue.

0:42:23 > 0:42:26You put them down, they run in the road, you get them back in.

0:42:26 > 0:42:28You put them in the car, the dog's trying to get in the car,

0:42:28 > 0:42:31you're kicking the dog out, you get them in, you tie them up.

0:42:31 > 0:42:34One of them's sick, take his clothes off, change him.

0:42:34 > 0:42:36One of them's filled their nappy, take it off, you get in.

0:42:36 > 0:42:41By the time you get in the front seat, look at your missus, you go...

0:42:41 > 0:42:43"Where are we going?"

0:42:45 > 0:42:49Cos when you've got kids, your brain's scrambled eggs.

0:42:49 > 0:42:51It really is.

0:42:51 > 0:42:55Anyone in here with kids lives their life exactly the same way

0:42:55 > 0:42:57I live my life.

0:42:57 > 0:42:59Which means you get up in the morning...

0:42:59 > 0:43:01you go back to bed at night and you think,

0:43:01 > 0:43:03"What the fuck just happened then?

0:43:08 > 0:43:11"Was that a day? Have I just had a full day?

0:43:11 > 0:43:14"Because I haven't done anything for me!

0:43:14 > 0:43:18"I haven't done anything that didn't involve feeding, picking up,

0:43:18 > 0:43:21"cleaning up after, paying for, looking after, texting,

0:43:21 > 0:43:25"arguing with, picking up, dropping off, picking up, dropping off, picking up,

0:43:25 > 0:43:27"now I'm fucking back in bed with you!"

0:43:27 > 0:43:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:35 > 0:43:40But if you've got kids, you'll know exactly that I'm on about.

0:43:40 > 0:43:42If you haven't got kids, it makes no sense.

0:43:42 > 0:43:45And I'll tell you what, it just came to me when we did the Echo,

0:43:45 > 0:43:48we did the Echo and we finished on Christmas Eve

0:43:48 > 0:43:53and then we had a bit of January off and it meant I had four Sundays off.

0:43:53 > 0:43:56Four Sundays. So I thought, "I'm going to treat myself.

0:43:56 > 0:44:00"I'm going to go for a Sunday lunch every Sunday...

0:44:00 > 0:44:03"cos that's how I roll."

0:44:03 > 0:44:06Russell Brand gets a break in his tour, he gets a Jacuzzi

0:44:06 > 0:44:10with 15 hookers in, I think, "No, Yorkshire pudding, I'm loving this."

0:44:11 > 0:44:14And I walked into this pub, this pub on the Wirral near Chester.

0:44:14 > 0:44:18I walked into this pub, a gastro-pub. Gastro, my arse.

0:44:18 > 0:44:21£17.99 for a fucking sausage and mash. It's taking the piss.

0:44:21 > 0:44:23But I walked in...

0:44:23 > 0:44:26and there was this table of eight adults,

0:44:26 > 0:44:28people from your world, people in that second group.

0:44:28 > 0:44:31A table of eight adults. No kids. No kids.

0:44:31 > 0:44:35And it's not that they had no kids WITH them - they had no kids.

0:44:35 > 0:44:39They were aged between 28 and 40 and you could tell they had no kids

0:44:39 > 0:44:41because their clothes were lovely.

0:44:42 > 0:44:46They wore lovely clothes. Clothes they'd spent time on.

0:44:46 > 0:44:48You know, not like us. You know when you're in Asda

0:44:48 > 0:44:51and you just think, "I could do with one of them."

0:44:51 > 0:44:55I mean, I'm no Gok Wan but as far as I'm concerned,

0:44:55 > 0:44:58if you're buying your fashion in the same place you buy your sprouts,

0:44:58 > 0:45:02it's not kicking it, sister. You know what I'm saying?

0:45:03 > 0:45:07And I walked in and I thought "This is people from your world,"

0:45:07 > 0:45:10because they were sat there like that.

0:45:10 > 0:45:13Eight of them. No kids.

0:45:13 > 0:45:15Laughing. "Ha-ha!"

0:45:17 > 0:45:20"Ha-ha!" I listened.

0:45:20 > 0:45:22Nobody was saying anything funny.

0:45:22 > 0:45:25They were just sat there like that. "Ha-ha!"

0:45:25 > 0:45:28Because they all had spare laughter inside of them.

0:45:30 > 0:45:34Laughs they hadn't used up in the week. They were going, "Ha-ha!"

0:45:34 > 0:45:37"Ha-ha! Have you read the papers?" "Ha-ha, yes, I've read them all!"

0:45:37 > 0:45:42Whereas us lot, we're the other ones on the other side of the pub going,

0:45:42 > 0:45:45"You ordered it - fucking eat it!"

0:45:51 > 0:45:55And you know what, there was a point and it must happen...

0:45:55 > 0:45:57In fact, this explains why you lot in the second group

0:45:57 > 0:46:00sounded different to the first group - this explains it.

0:46:00 > 0:46:03There was a point where they were sat around the table

0:46:03 > 0:46:06and someone went, "You want another drink?" It flew around the table.

0:46:06 > 0:46:08"Do you want another?" "Yeah, I'll have another."

0:46:08 > 0:46:12And every single one of them went, "Yeah. Yeah."

0:46:12 > 0:46:15No-one went, "I can't, I've got a babysitter."

0:46:15 > 0:46:17They all went, "Yeah, yeah."

0:46:17 > 0:46:20I thought, "Fucking hell, that must be what it's like in your world.

0:46:20 > 0:46:25"What happens now is you're probably going to have another three or four drinks, aren't you? Hey?

0:46:25 > 0:46:28"Then after those three or four drinks you'll walk home

0:46:28 > 0:46:30"cos you don't need to take your car,

0:46:30 > 0:46:32"cos you don't need the paraphernalia in your car!

0:46:32 > 0:46:38"And you'll walk home and on your way home you'll probably stop at Blockbuster to get a DVD,"

0:46:38 > 0:46:40and then I thought, "No, you won't.

0:46:40 > 0:46:43"What on earth are you going to stop at Blockbusters for?

0:46:43 > 0:46:45"You don't need to do that.

0:46:45 > 0:46:47"You can go to the pictures whenever you want."

0:46:47 > 0:46:49Blockbusters is for us,

0:46:49 > 0:46:52for people like us who have to stay in on a Friday night

0:46:52 > 0:46:56with a bottle of wine and watch a film that came out three years ago!

0:46:56 > 0:47:00And try and pretend our life's not slipping away before us. No.

0:47:00 > 0:47:02You don't do that.

0:47:02 > 0:47:05That's why you sound different - you can walk right past Blockbusters

0:47:05 > 0:47:08and you can go home to your house

0:47:08 > 0:47:13and sit on your couch that you paid for and pick up the controls of YOUR telly

0:47:13 > 0:47:16and watch whatever the fuck you want on your telly.

0:47:16 > 0:47:19You know why you sounded different when you cheered?

0:47:19 > 0:47:23Because that's the sound of people who have never watched CBeebies.

0:47:23 > 0:47:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:47:27 > 0:47:30And I'll tell you, it's true, because it's all compromise.

0:47:30 > 0:47:32When you've got kids, it's compromise.

0:47:32 > 0:47:34You learn it, obviously, because before you got them

0:47:34 > 0:47:38you've got to end up living with someone first or marrying them.

0:47:38 > 0:47:41And that's a compromise, innit?

0:47:43 > 0:47:45Yeah. I mean, we all got excited. Everyone's....

0:47:45 > 0:47:49Marriage is now in vogue because of what happened with the royal wedding.

0:47:49 > 0:47:52I think we all watched it and it was a very pleasant affair.

0:47:52 > 0:47:55I think most people watched the royal wedding and sat there thinking

0:47:55 > 0:48:00exactly what I thought which is, "Should've married the sister."

0:48:02 > 0:48:05SCATTERED APPLAUSE

0:48:05 > 0:48:09Because of everything that's gone on with me in the last year, even the marriage,

0:48:09 > 0:48:11a lot of my mates go, "Marriage will be different."

0:48:11 > 0:48:14And it is. It's difficult - I've been married for 18 years.

0:48:14 > 0:48:16Anyone in here who's new to marriage, good luck to you.

0:48:16 > 0:48:20It's an exciting thing when it's new. Things do change, though.

0:48:20 > 0:48:23Quickly.

0:48:23 > 0:48:27I'd say it probably happens round about five or six years in.

0:48:27 > 0:48:30Because what happens is, you find yourself one day sat there

0:48:30 > 0:48:32eating cereal like that in the morning,

0:48:32 > 0:48:34just having your breakfast, eating your cereal

0:48:34 > 0:48:37and you find yourself just pausing and looking at your spoon

0:48:37 > 0:48:40and thinking...

0:48:40 > 0:48:42"I could kill her with that."

0:48:52 > 0:48:54And then you just carry on eating.

0:48:54 > 0:48:58And that's basically how you live the rest of your life.

0:48:58 > 0:49:02But what happened with me recently is, well, it wasn't recently,

0:49:02 > 0:49:05it was April last year. I got a phone call from my agent

0:49:05 > 0:49:09and this is where you find your marriage being tested, cos I got a phone call from my agent.

0:49:09 > 0:49:12I was doing a gig in Huddersfield.

0:49:12 > 0:49:16They said, "Someone from the BBC wants to see you after the gig."

0:49:16 > 0:49:20I walked into the dressing room. There was two fellas there who'd clearly come up from London,

0:49:20 > 0:49:24because one of them had a pullover tied round his neck.

0:49:24 > 0:49:26In Huddersfield!

0:49:26 > 0:49:31I thought, "If I let you out of here dressed like that, they're going to burn you as a witch."

0:49:31 > 0:49:36But there was these two posh lads. They said, "Hello John, ha-ha-ha.

0:49:36 > 0:49:38"We're from the BBC."

0:49:38 > 0:49:42They said what had happened, there'd been a cock-up with the BBC

0:49:42 > 0:49:43with their schedule

0:49:43 > 0:49:46and they said there's an opportunity to do a stand-up show.

0:49:46 > 0:49:51If you can deliver six half hour stand-up shows in eight weeks, you can have the slot.

0:49:51 > 0:49:53"Do you think you can do it?" And I said, "Yes!"

0:49:53 > 0:49:56thinking, "Not a chance."

0:49:56 > 0:49:59And they said, "OK, but we need to have a chat with you about the language used."

0:49:59 > 0:50:03I said, "Well, look, lads, I can only do it in English."

0:50:04 > 0:50:07I said, "I know how PC you are and, you know,

0:50:07 > 0:50:10"if you give me longer I'll have a stab at it, do all Polish

0:50:10 > 0:50:13"or Welsh or whatever you want, but right now that's all I've got."

0:50:13 > 0:50:17And he said, "It's not that. It's the swearing. You do swear a lot."

0:50:17 > 0:50:20And I do swear a lot and I apologise if anyone's offended by it

0:50:20 > 0:50:24but it's difficult, as you well know more than anyone, you know,

0:50:24 > 0:50:26Scousers - we need to swear.

0:50:26 > 0:50:27CHEERING

0:50:27 > 0:50:29It's true.

0:50:29 > 0:50:33If we don't swear, we've got no punctuation.

0:50:36 > 0:50:40It's when we try not to swear that we make that other noise

0:50:40 > 0:50:42where we go, "Ehhhhhh...."

0:50:42 > 0:50:46APPLAUSE

0:50:46 > 0:50:49But they said, "Look, the problem is, there's some things

0:50:49 > 0:50:52"you can't say on the BBC." I said, "Oh, go on, what are they?"

0:50:52 > 0:50:55I think we could all guess what they were but I wanted them to say,

0:50:55 > 0:50:59cos they were posh - and I love posh people swearing.

0:50:59 > 0:51:04It's brilliant. When we were kids we used to go to Chester just to trip posh people up

0:51:04 > 0:51:07so we could hear them go, "Oh, fuck!"

0:51:10 > 0:51:12It's lovely, isn't it? It's not aggressive.

0:51:12 > 0:51:15It's like an ingredient in a cake, isn't it?

0:51:15 > 0:51:18Just add some "Fuck!" to the cake.

0:51:19 > 0:51:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:51:22 > 0:51:27I've got to be honest, I don't think it'll ever get on the telly.

0:51:27 > 0:51:30I said to them, "Look, we'll give it a go. We'll have a go

0:51:30 > 0:51:32We did the show - John Bishop's Britain.

0:51:32 > 0:51:36I don't know if anyone saw John Bishop's Britain. Thank you. CHEERING

0:51:36 > 0:51:38So we did, we did the show.

0:51:38 > 0:51:42It was in the paper, and this is where your mates think your world's changed.

0:51:42 > 0:51:44One of my mates saw it in the paper, John Bishop's Britain.

0:51:44 > 0:51:47He phoned up, said, "Have you got your own show on the BBC?"

0:51:47 > 0:51:51I said, "I have, actually." He said, "Does your missus know?"

0:51:53 > 0:51:56I said, "Well, we do live together. We don't always argue.

0:51:56 > 0:51:59"Occasionally when we send a text we put an X at the end.

0:51:59 > 0:52:01"I've no idea why, but we do."

0:52:01 > 0:52:04He said, "Well, if she knows you've got your own show,

0:52:04 > 0:52:08"she knows things are changing, moving on." I said, "Apparently so."

0:52:08 > 0:52:12He said, "You must have had a chat then about your divorce."

0:52:12 > 0:52:14I said, "About my what?" He said, "Your divorce.

0:52:14 > 0:52:17"You're in show business now, you're bound to get divorced,

0:52:17 > 0:52:19"everyone gets divorced in show business."

0:52:19 > 0:52:22He said, "What you want to do is get in now.

0:52:22 > 0:52:24"Get in early while it's cheaper."

0:52:26 > 0:52:31I said, "What are you on about?" He said, "It's bound to happen. You've got your own series.

0:52:31 > 0:52:33"You're going to be going to showbiz events.

0:52:33 > 0:52:36"You're going to be meeting new people, attending parties.

0:52:36 > 0:52:39"Before you know it, you're going to end up shagging the Sugababes."

0:52:39 > 0:52:43I'm like any man in this room who's been married for a certain amount of time

0:52:43 > 0:52:46and someone says that to you - I thought,

0:52:46 > 0:52:49"If it's got to happen..." Do you know what I mean?

0:52:49 > 0:52:53What can I do about it? I know it'll be disappointing for my three lads

0:52:53 > 0:52:56and during the divorce, I'd have to stand in front of them and say,

0:52:56 > 0:52:59"Look, this has been very difficult for you three,

0:52:59 > 0:53:01"this divorce me and your mum have been through,

0:53:01 > 0:53:03"and because of the heartache you've seen,

0:53:03 > 0:53:06"you're emotionally scarred for life and as a result of that

0:53:06 > 0:53:09"you'll be fearful of forming an attachment to anyone close

0:53:09 > 0:53:13"in the future and, as a result, may never make a formal relationship

0:53:13 > 0:53:15"that's long-lasting because you'll be fearful

0:53:15 > 0:53:20"that it'll end up in tears and misery just like ours has, but having said...

0:53:20 > 0:53:23"look what your dad won!

0:53:27 > 0:53:30"I've got the Sugababes in the kitchen!"

0:53:31 > 0:53:34The reality is, to be honest with you, it sowed the seed of doubt

0:53:34 > 0:53:37in my head because you're not 18 years with somebody

0:53:37 > 0:53:40if you don't love them and suddenly you think,

0:53:40 > 0:53:41"This could happen."

0:53:41 > 0:53:43And I got worried about it because it is a new world for me.

0:53:43 > 0:53:48I was in the car two weeks later. I'm going to say something that'll surprise a lot of people -

0:53:48 > 0:53:51I was in the car two weeks later, listening to Radio 4.

0:53:51 > 0:53:53I was listening.

0:53:53 > 0:53:59Hey, I was listening to a show on Radio 4 called Woman's Hour. Yeah.

0:53:59 > 0:54:02Get over it, because I tell you what, any fellow in here,

0:54:02 > 0:54:05if you've never listened to Woman's Hour, get on it.

0:54:05 > 0:54:06It is unbelievable.

0:54:06 > 0:54:10It's an hour where women talk to women about what's going on in women's heads.

0:54:10 > 0:54:13They're talking like you're not listening.

0:54:13 > 0:54:17It's like a key to another world. It's fucking gold dust.

0:54:17 > 0:54:20I tell you what, every man's got to listen to it. You know what?

0:54:20 > 0:54:26Every man who's lived with a woman and has at least once stood in your house in the middle of an argument

0:54:26 > 0:54:29thinking, "I've no fucking idea what this argument's about,"

0:54:29 > 0:54:31the answer is on Woman's Hour.

0:54:31 > 0:54:34Every time you've said, "Is everything OK, love?"

0:54:34 > 0:54:40and she's gone, "If you don't know, I'm not telling you," the answer is on Woman's Hour!

0:54:40 > 0:54:42I was listening. There was a woman on, a counsellor.

0:54:42 > 0:54:45She was talking about why marriages fail in the second decade.

0:54:45 > 0:54:47I thought, "That's me! I'm in the second decade."

0:54:47 > 0:54:50She said what happens in the second decade is, people drift apart.

0:54:50 > 0:54:53They start watching different TV programmes,

0:54:53 > 0:54:55reading different books, watching different films.

0:54:55 > 0:54:58They don't talk to each other about the things that interest them.

0:54:58 > 0:55:04Therefore, when there's a problem in the relationship, there's no form of communication to resolve it.

0:55:04 > 0:55:06I've got to be honest, she was on the radio -

0:55:06 > 0:55:08I don't know if she did that.

0:55:08 > 0:55:12But it sounded like she probably did that. I thought, "That makes sense."

0:55:12 > 0:55:13I phoned my wife up.

0:55:13 > 0:55:16I said, "Have you been watching anything new lately?"

0:55:16 > 0:55:20She said, "I have, I've been watching a programme called Spartacus."

0:55:21 > 0:55:23I hadn't watched Spartacus up to that point.

0:55:23 > 0:55:27A week later she took the kids away to go and see her mum for the weekend.

0:55:27 > 0:55:30I didn't have to go because I was working.

0:55:30 > 0:55:36Her mum lives in Spain, which is not as far as you think, to be perfectly honest with you.

0:55:36 > 0:55:39She took the kids away, so I had the house to myself for the weekend.

0:55:39 > 0:55:42So I did what any dad does in that situation - I got the Sky Plus,

0:55:42 > 0:55:45I started flicking through the programmes that I'd missed.

0:55:45 > 0:55:49I saw that someone had recorded an episode of Spartacus.

0:55:49 > 0:55:51I thought, "I'm going to watch this."

0:55:51 > 0:55:55For those who have never watched it, those who have watched it I'm sure will agree,

0:55:55 > 0:55:59the best description is, it's a programme about gladiators

0:55:59 > 0:56:02who seem to do a lot more shagging than fighting.

0:56:02 > 0:56:05In fact, that's all these gladiators seem to do.

0:56:05 > 0:56:09And not only that, it seems quite apparent that in gladiator times,

0:56:09 > 0:56:14waxing was very popular because every single gladiator

0:56:14 > 0:56:18is a silky smoothy gladiator. Smoothy, shiny, smoothy.

0:56:18 > 0:56:20And I mean the lot. All gone. The lot.

0:56:20 > 0:56:22Coming out of steam rooms, nothing there.

0:56:22 > 0:56:26Silky smoothy, smoothy shiny, silky smoothy gladiators.

0:56:26 > 0:56:30The worst thing any man can do...

0:56:30 > 0:56:33who's thinking of ways to impress his wife

0:56:33 > 0:56:37is to watch an episode of Spartacus,

0:56:37 > 0:56:40drink a bottle of wine

0:56:40 > 0:56:43and then get a bath.

0:56:43 > 0:56:46I was sat in the bath 15 minutes later, drunk,

0:56:46 > 0:56:48I look down, I thought...

0:56:50 > 0:56:52.."I don't need all that, do I?"

0:56:53 > 0:56:56You know when you look at it, it's just floating like seaweed

0:56:56 > 0:56:58in the bath like that.

0:56:59 > 0:57:04And you know when you have a drunk idea and it's the best idea you've had all year?

0:57:04 > 0:57:06I got a Mach 3, I thought, "Right...

0:57:08 > 0:57:12"You want a gladiator - you can have a gladiator!

0:57:12 > 0:57:15"Here comes Johnny the gladiator." And I did the lot!

0:57:15 > 0:57:18I even did down there. What's it like down there, girls?

0:57:18 > 0:57:22It's like scraping ice off the car in February. I did the lot.

0:57:22 > 0:57:26It's amazing how quickly a Mach 3 can remove decades of growth.

0:57:26 > 0:57:29It was like human deforestation. I did the lot.

0:57:29 > 0:57:32Within minutes, I was silky smooth. I climbed out the bath.

0:57:33 > 0:57:35I looked back in the bath.

0:57:37 > 0:57:40It looked like I'd liquidised a hairy midget.

0:57:43 > 0:57:46In my drunken head, that was the funniest thing

0:57:46 > 0:57:49I had ever seen in my life...

0:57:49 > 0:57:52until I caught sight of myself in the mirror.

0:57:54 > 0:57:56Fucking hell.

0:57:59 > 0:58:02I looked like a giant baby!

0:58:05 > 0:58:10This was the Friday. She returned home on the Monday

0:58:10 > 0:58:13and she returned home and carried the bags to the bedroom.

0:58:13 > 0:58:15As she went to the bedroom, I nipped to the bathroom.

0:58:15 > 0:58:17I put on a bathrobe.

0:58:20 > 0:58:24I come walking to present myself in the bedroom.

0:58:24 > 0:58:26I was stood there like that.

0:58:27 > 0:58:31I've got to be honest, it had been three days at this point.

0:58:32 > 0:58:35It was getting a bit itchy. I was a bit...

0:58:49 > 0:58:52I stood there in front of her like that.

0:58:53 > 0:58:56She's just unpacking like that. She just went...

0:58:59 > 0:59:03She said, "What do you want?" I went, "What do I want?"

0:59:03 > 0:59:06I said, "I'm Spartacus!"

0:59:06 > 0:59:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:59:15 > 0:59:20And you know when a wife gives you a look that a Sugababe never would.

0:59:20 > 0:59:22She just went...

0:59:26 > 0:59:29She said, "It looks like a dead chicken."

0:59:35 > 0:59:37And I'll be honest with you.

0:59:37 > 0:59:41Everyone in here who's married knows that that's what you do.

0:59:41 > 0:59:43You do stupid stuff when you're married to keep it bubbling

0:59:43 > 0:59:46and everyone always thinks that the grass is greener

0:59:46 > 0:59:50and also when you start living in a new world like I've found myself,

0:59:50 > 0:59:51all my mates go, "It must be great,"

0:59:51 > 0:59:53but every now and again you get taught a lesson.

0:59:53 > 0:59:57Something happened just before Christmas that really taught me a lesson.

0:59:57 > 0:59:59Now, we've played the games that everyone plays -

0:59:59 > 1:00:04where you've had a few drinks and you go, "Come on, who's your fantasy shag?

1:00:04 > 1:00:07"Come on, I'm not going to get annoyed. We've had a drink.

1:00:07 > 1:00:09"Who's your fantasy shag? Come on. Come on."

1:00:09 > 1:00:11NEVER say the sister.

1:00:15 > 1:00:19Oh, it's not funny then, is it? That was a rough six months, I tell you.

1:00:19 > 1:00:23We always pick someone off the telly or someone in a film.

1:00:23 > 1:00:25Someone you're never going to meet.

1:00:25 > 1:00:29My fantasy shag has been all the time, 100% of the time, Cheryl Cole.

1:00:29 > 1:00:33Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Even when she was married to Ashley,

1:00:33 > 1:00:37although, to be honest, then I just would've done it for spite.

1:00:37 > 1:00:40But I've always fancied Cheryl Cole.

1:00:40 > 1:00:42Just before Christmas I got a phone call.

1:00:42 > 1:00:44"Would you like to do the Royal Variety show?"

1:00:44 > 1:00:48Which is an odd thing for anyone from around here to do, to be honest with you,

1:00:48 > 1:00:52because I think, instinctively, we're not fans of the Royal Family.

1:00:52 > 1:00:54Instinctively, we're not fans of the Royal Family.

1:00:54 > 1:00:57I mean, let's be honest - we don't mind people living off the state,

1:00:57 > 1:01:00I just think they take it a bit too far, to be fair.

1:01:00 > 1:01:02You know what I mean?

1:01:02 > 1:01:06We all know lads who sign on the sick who play football on a Sunday, but they haven't got a castle.

1:01:06 > 1:01:09You know what I mean? You've got to balance it up, haven't you?

1:01:09 > 1:01:12But I turned up to do it, because it's for a very good charity

1:01:12 > 1:01:16and what happens when you do the Royal Variety show, you do your bit to the audience,

1:01:16 > 1:01:19then you bow to the audience and you turn to the Royal Box and bow.

1:01:19 > 1:01:24When I turned to the Royal Box, the Royals who had come were Prince Charles with his mate, Camilla.

1:01:24 > 1:01:26And er...

1:01:26 > 1:01:29No, nice lad, he is. Nice lad. I mean...

1:01:29 > 1:01:33I didn't think they'd be into cross dressing, the Royal Family, but he was a top bloke, him.

1:01:33 > 1:01:36A game of darts afterwards, few pints, he's a good fella.

1:01:36 > 1:01:39So you turn, bow and then you walk off.

1:01:39 > 1:01:43And you go down the back and you do this thing called the line-up where you meet the Royal Family.

1:01:43 > 1:01:45And you get placed next to someone.

1:01:45 > 1:01:49I found myself placed next to Cheryl Cole. My fantasy shag.

1:01:50 > 1:01:53I went...I said, "Hello, Cheryl,"

1:01:53 > 1:01:56which I thought was better than, "You're my fantasy shag, ha-ha!"

1:02:00 > 1:02:03I said, "Hello, Cheryl." She went, "Hello, pet."

1:02:04 > 1:02:06And it was amazing.

1:02:06 > 1:02:09It was amazing. There was something immediate that I knew straight away.

1:02:09 > 1:02:12I walked out the Palladium. I phoned my wife.

1:02:12 > 1:02:15I said, "Listen, I'm going to tell you something before anyone else tells you.

1:02:15 > 1:02:19"There'll be no super injunction here. I'm going to tell you myself.

1:02:19 > 1:02:21"Because I've just met Cheryl Cole.

1:02:21 > 1:02:24"I've just met my fantasy shag and I can tell you now,

1:02:24 > 1:02:27"after 18 years of marriage, three kids and a million arguments,

1:02:27 > 1:02:33"if you were stood there a thousand times and Cheryl Cole was stood there a thousand times,"

1:02:33 > 1:02:38I said, "I would pick you every single time."

1:02:38 > 1:02:42I would. I said, "Cos she's tiny. I would smash her to pieces."

1:02:44 > 1:02:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:02:49 > 1:02:52There'd be bits of Cheryl everywhere!

1:02:52 > 1:02:54"Sorry, Cheryl, love, put that back on."

1:02:54 > 1:02:57It's amazing how a wife can get annoyed quickly

1:02:57 > 1:03:00after a compliment, isn't it?

1:03:00 > 1:03:04And it has, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a mental year but you know what?

1:03:04 > 1:03:07I'll be dead honest with you. I feel like I've nicked someone else's life

1:03:07 > 1:03:11because I can't believe I'm doing this as a job. I feel, you know,

1:03:11 > 1:03:15I feel like tonight there's probably a sales rep driving a Mondeo

1:03:15 > 1:03:19in Birmingham thinking, "Haven't I got a gig in Liverpool tonight?"

1:03:19 > 1:03:21I don't know how all of this has happened.

1:03:21 > 1:03:25It's grown out of all proportion of anything I could have thought of and it's brilliant.

1:03:25 > 1:03:29I'm absolutely loving it and I really appreciate you coming out,

1:03:29 > 1:03:31but I do feel it's someone else's dream.

1:03:31 > 1:03:37And so before we finish and, by the way, the finish is the finish - you'll know. You will know the end.

1:03:37 > 1:03:40The end's not one of those pretend showbiz ends where people walk off

1:03:40 > 1:03:42and then come back on.

1:03:42 > 1:03:46And you think, "Oh, for fuck's sake, he's back." No, that doesn't happen.

1:03:46 > 1:03:50It's stupid, that is. I don't know who started that in show business, that pretend end.

1:03:50 > 1:03:52There's no other job in the world

1:03:52 > 1:03:56where people pretend to leave work, is there?

1:03:56 > 1:04:00No-one ever says, "Look, I'm just leaving the office, I'm off now.

1:04:00 > 1:04:04"Oh, I'm back! I've got ten more minutes." No, no, no.

1:04:04 > 1:04:08The end will be the end. But we are nowhere near the end yet,

1:04:08 > 1:04:12because before we reach there, what I wanted to do, if you don't mind,

1:04:12 > 1:04:16because this is a dream that I couldn't have possibly even thought of dreaming,

1:04:16 > 1:04:19I wanted to show you what my real dream would have been.

1:04:23 > 1:04:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:04:26 > 1:04:30MUSIC: "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees

1:04:30 > 1:04:34# Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man

1:04:34 > 1:04:37# No time to talk Music loud and women warm

1:04:37 > 1:04:40# I've been kicked around since I was born

1:04:40 > 1:04:45# It's all right, it's OK You may look the other way

1:04:45 > 1:04:49# We can try to understand The New York times' effect on man

1:04:49 > 1:04:52# Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

1:04:52 > 1:04:54# You're stayin' alive stayin' alive

1:04:54 > 1:04:56# Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

1:04:56 > 1:04:59# And we're stayin' alive stayin' alive... #

1:04:59 > 1:05:02MUSIC: "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees

1:05:15 > 1:05:19# Listen to the ground There is movement all around

1:05:19 > 1:05:24# There is somethin' goin' down and I can feel it

1:05:24 > 1:05:28# On the waves of the air there is dancin' out there

1:05:28 > 1:05:32# If it's somethin' we can share we can steal it

1:05:33 > 1:05:37# That sweet city woman she moves through the light

1:05:37 > 1:05:41# Controlling my mind and my soul

1:05:42 > 1:05:47# When you reach out for me Yeah, the feelin' is bright

1:05:47 > 1:05:52# Night fever, night fever We know how to do it

1:05:55 > 1:05:58# Night fever, night fever

1:05:58 > 1:06:00# We know how to show it... #

1:06:05 > 1:06:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:06:14 > 1:06:16# Borne on the wind

1:06:16 > 1:06:22# Makin' it fly-y-y-y-y-y

1:06:22 > 1:06:27# Night fever, night fever We know how to do it

1:06:29 > 1:06:34# Night fever, night fever

1:06:34 > 1:06:36# We know how to show it

1:06:38 > 1:06:43# In the heat of our love don't need no help for us to make it

1:06:43 > 1:06:47# Gimme just enough to take us to the mornin'

1:06:48 > 1:06:51# I got fire in my mind I got higher in my walkin'

1:06:51 > 1:06:56# And I'm glowin' in the dark I give you warnin'

1:06:56 > 1:07:01# That sweet city woman she moves through the light

1:07:01 > 1:07:05# Controlling my mind and my soul

1:07:06 > 1:07:10# When you reach out for me Yeah, and the feelin' is bright

1:07:10 > 1:07:13# Then I get night fever night fever

1:07:13 > 1:07:16# We know how to do it

1:07:18 > 1:07:21# Gimme that night fever night fever

1:07:21 > 1:07:24# We know how to show it

1:07:28 > 1:07:30# Here I am

1:07:30 > 1:07:32# Praying for this moment to last

1:07:35 > 1:07:40# Living on the music so fine borne on the wind

1:07:40 > 1:07:45# Makin' it mine

1:07:45 > 1:07:48# Night fever, night fever

1:07:48 > 1:07:50# We know how to do it

1:07:53 > 1:07:57- # Night fever, night fever... # - Thank you!

1:07:57 > 1:07:59# We know how to show it

1:08:03 > 1:08:06# Night fever, night fever

1:08:06 > 1:08:09# We know how to do it

1:08:11 > 1:08:15# Gimme that night fever night fever

1:08:15 > 1:08:17# We know how to show it... #

1:08:23 > 1:08:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:09:05 > 1:09:10Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the dancers!

1:09:14 > 1:09:16They've all come from dance schools in Liverpool.

1:09:16 > 1:09:20They've been with me for months. They've been absolutely tremendous,

1:09:20 > 1:09:24but I've got to thank you for being here, for taking a chance

1:09:24 > 1:09:28and God willing, I'll see you somewhere else in the future. Thank you.

1:09:28 > 1:09:29Good night and God bless.

1:09:54 > 1:09:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd