0:00:01 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:09 > 0:00:14# I'm at the crossroads Getting drowned in white lines
0:00:14 > 0:00:21# A bad moon is rising But now I'm doing time
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# But I'll just keep walking And this devil I will find
0:00:25 > 0:00:31# Got no home to go to I can't sleep at night
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- # Broken and falling - # Falling, I'm broken
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- # Got whisky on my mind - # Got whisky on my mind
0:00:38 > 0:00:40# On my mind
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- # Broken and falling - # Broken and falling
0:00:50 > 0:00:51# I'm broken
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- # Got whisky on my mind - # Got whisky on my mind
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# On my mind
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- # My train is calling - # My train is calling
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- # No woman I can find. # - # No woman I can find. #
0:01:04 > 0:01:08ANNOUNCER: 'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges!'
0:01:08 > 0:01:09CHEERING
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Hello!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:01:33 > 0:01:34How are we doing, Glasgow?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Friday night, it's fucking payday, here we go.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38HE LAUGHS
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It's good to be here.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45In the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, here we are.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47CHEERING
0:01:47 > 0:01:51The SECC, or as it's known locally,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"That fuckin' SECC."
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Three quid for a hotdog in that fuckin' SECC.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02See the queue at the bar in that fuckin' SECC?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03HE CHUCKLES
0:02:04 > 0:02:08In these big venues, when people come in and they see their mates,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10and they're on the phone, going, "Where are you?"
0:02:12 > 0:02:14"You're D. You're in D."
0:02:14 > 0:02:16"What are you in?" "I'm in K."
0:02:16 > 0:02:21"D...E...F...G...H...I...J...K."
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"Stand up, what you wearing?"
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"A yellow T-shirt."
0:02:26 > 0:02:27"Oh, I can see you, I can see you."
0:02:27 > 0:02:29MUFFLED: Wanker!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:32APPLAUSE
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's nice to be here.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I've seen Lady Gaga perform in here.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I've seen Lady Gaga in here.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It's easy, it's easy to slag Lady Gaga,
0:02:47 > 0:02:48but the guy puts on a good show.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I've seen him up here singing about his poker face,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56now, he's a talented bloke.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57He really is.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Did you see the entrance, did you see the intro, Tony Soprano, eh?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I don't even drive, man, see how smooth that was, I don't even drive!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It'd kind of ruin Tony Soprano's image
0:03:08 > 0:03:11if he just whipped out a provisional driving licence, wouldn't it?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:15AMERICAN ACCENT: "You believe this fuckin' cocksucker?"
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:22So it is good to be back. This is the last night of the tour.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Good to be back in Glasgow.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Good to come back to Glasgow, because you can speak.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You know, when you travel with a Scottish accent, it's kind of hard,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38nobody understands anything you're saying, you know?
0:03:38 > 0:03:43I've done a few TV shows. I'm a pretty fucking big deal, you know?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Yeah.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I'm serious news, now I've done a few TV shows.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52When you've got a Scottish accent, on the telly,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55you need to try and enunciate and use proper English,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57but it's hard to find the right balance,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00cos no matter how hard you try to enunciate,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04and use proper English, there's still somebody from Leamington Spa.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:07HE CHUCKLES
0:04:07 > 0:04:09ENGLISH ACCENT: "We saw you on the television,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"I didn't quite understand everything you were saying."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:18APPLAUSE
0:04:20 > 0:04:21HE CHUCKLES
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"Didn't quite catch it, some of it a bit over my head,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"your accent is really quite strong,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"you've got a really thick Scotch accent, don't quite catch..."
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:30"..everything you say."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Whilst to somebody in Scotland, saying,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"We seen you on the telly, talking like a fuckin' bender."
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:49 > 0:04:50"Care to explain yourself?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Whereas when you travel down south
0:04:57 > 0:05:00and you tell people you're from Glasgow, they get quite excited.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04They go, "Glasgow, yeah, it's really quite rough, isn't it, really violent, yeah."
0:05:04 > 0:05:06You kind of get proud. You go, "Oh, aye, oh, aye."
0:05:06 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:10 > 0:05:11"A lot of tough guys..."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"Oh, aye, a lot of tough men, yeah."
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Then they visit the place,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16and they're a bit disappointed, you know?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19We're trying to get away from the stereotypes,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22we've got a new promotional tourist campaign called,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"Glasgow - Scotland With Style."
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Anybody seen the posters?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's one of these kind of, homogenised posters,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33with people supposed to be the new face of Glasgow,
0:05:33 > 0:05:34people with names like Nathan.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:39You know, every major city
0:05:39 > 0:05:41advertises the happy people like Nathan,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43and it's this guy's on the poster, Nathan,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46sales assistant, proud, Glaswegian.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I don't think a sales assistant called Nathan
0:05:48 > 0:05:51is a fair representation of any major city.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:53I think major cities should play up
0:05:53 > 0:05:55to those stereotypes on the billboards,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57advertising your city, show them real people,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59like wee mental Davey.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Apprentice joiner.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Father of six.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21HE CHUCKLES
0:06:21 > 0:06:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Davey's there, on the billboard with his six kids,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29all tucked into the one tracksuit.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:35A Lacoste tracksuit, you know, only the best.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38For these kids, they're all dressed up for their granny's 30th.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:46HE CHUCKLES
0:06:48 > 0:06:52You've got the six kids, you've got Keanu, you've got Sigourney...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:57..Destiny, that's a new one I heard, Destiny.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Imagine naming your daughter after the nightclub she was conceived in.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04HE CHUCKLES
0:07:04 > 0:07:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:06 > 0:07:08WHISTLING
0:07:10 > 0:07:13This is Destiny, and this is my son, The Garage.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14HE CHUCKLES
0:07:14 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:23HE CHUCKLES
0:07:24 > 0:07:28That was a nice shock statistic about teenage pregnancy.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Apparently one in three 15-year-olds in the UK
0:07:31 > 0:07:34admit to being sexually active, that was a shock tabloid headline.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I don't know where they get this kind of evidence, you know?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I don't know who they ask to get these statistics, you know?
0:07:39 > 0:07:46If some youth worker approached you when you were 15 years old...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48..in front of all your pals...
0:07:48 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:54..and asked you if you were sexually active...
0:07:54 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:56You'd say, "Fuckin' right, mate."
0:07:56 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:05"Who, Shagger?"
0:08:05 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:12"Put me in for five, pal."
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:21If you ever got any sex education at school, remember, word would spread,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24when you were 15, if you went to the health centre and they gave you a condom,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28so that was good, you went down the health centre and got your condoms, none of us were well sexed,
0:08:28 > 0:08:29but you got the condoms,
0:08:29 > 0:08:30filled them up with water.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34They'd become water balloons.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Using a condom in a water fight, the thinking man's water fight,
0:08:38 > 0:08:39but you'd always have one of your friends
0:08:39 > 0:08:44who would take it a bit too far, and introduce a Durex Extra Safe.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:53A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55You'll fucking put somebody in a coma!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08He'll need facial reconstructions!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I'm getting to that age, I'm 23 years old, I'm 23,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and a lot of people don't believe that I'm 23,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I know in the west of Scotland, this is what a young guy looks like in this day and age.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm 23.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I look like a darts prodigy, don't I?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Look at that.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:29HE CHUCKLES
0:09:29 > 0:09:31HE MAKES THE NOISE OF A DART HITTING A BOARD
0:09:31 > 0:09:32HE CHUCKLES
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I'm 23, so I'm getting to that stage some of my friends,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37some of my cousins are having children,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40and that way, you'll notice this, in a family gathering,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44there's a newborn baby getting passed around somebody's living room
0:09:44 > 0:09:45like a joint.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:56And everybody's saying their piece.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59You know some people who have just got this natural rapport
0:09:59 > 0:10:01when they speak to babies, they can just go,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"Aaah, look at you, aaah!
0:10:03 > 0:10:04"Aaah!"
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And the baby starts mumbling. "Are you telling me a wee story?"
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It's getting closer and closer to me and I'm thinking, shit!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I need to pretend I give a fuck.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It gets to me and I just kind of freeze.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I'm going, "How you doing, mate?"
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Then the baby feels the tension and starts to cry.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Everybody looks at me as if I'm in the wrong here.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Toughen up, you wee prick.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Dogs as well, I feel uneasy in the presence of dogs.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Not dogs in the traditional sense - dugs.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01You know you get the difference. In Scotland, they call a dog a dug.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04We take that O and make it U. A dog, a dug.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08It's a slang term but it's also a social implication
0:11:08 > 0:11:11in that you get dogs and you get dugs.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Do know what I mean by that?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17You get, "Oh, look at that wee dog watch that fucking dug."
0:11:26 > 0:11:30One of the big council house terriers with a name like Sasha.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Somebody brings it on a bus and it jumps on top of you on the bus
0:11:38 > 0:11:40and you shite yourself.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43And the owner is going, "Don't worry, she's only playing with you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"She's just a big softy."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And the dog is going, "You know that's a lie."
0:11:54 > 0:11:55"This isn't over."
0:11:58 > 0:11:5923, still live at home.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Don't know if any young guys in the front still live at home.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Young guys at the front, a guy up in Block D said, "Yes."
0:12:09 > 0:12:1223, you don't need to pay rent and stuff like that
0:12:12 > 0:12:15but you pay mental rent, don't you?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I've always had a good relationship with my parents,
0:12:18 > 0:12:19especially with my dad.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22When you're seven, eight, nine years old, as a young guy,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26traditionally, your dad is your hero, isn't he?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Your role model. He knows everything.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29You want to follow in the guy's footsteps,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32emulate the guy and then you get to about 12 years old,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34you realise your dad's an arsehole.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45It's a perfectly natural stage in adolescence,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47discovering your dad's a bit of a knob.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52It normally happens on Christmas Day
0:12:52 > 0:12:54and involves building something.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I'd be sitting there working patiently away
0:13:00 > 0:13:01using the instruction manual.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03My dad would come in.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07My dad is of the old school where the use of an instruction manual
0:13:07 > 0:13:11is viewed as an admission of homosexuality.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19That can get to fuck.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Where's the claw hammer?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35And once you realise your dad is an arsehole,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37you can kind of use it to your advantage.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I realised my dad was an arsehole in 1998.
0:13:41 > 0:13:481998, you never had Sky + or Sky HD, it was just Sky.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50You had...I'd say three options.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55You could get it via a satellite dish,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59via a cable or you knew a guy that could get you a box.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10One of the guys that can get you anything for 40 quid.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:16They can get you a Nissan Micra, 40 quid.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Can get you a set of golf clubs, 40 quid. An iPod Nano, 40 quid.
0:14:23 > 0:14:2650 quid in cash, 40 quid.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Everybody's met a dodgy bastard. Right, 40 quid.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41The satellite dish, that was a kind of working class option, satellite dish.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45You want your neighbours to know you've got Sky TV.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47If you're paying £25 a month,
0:14:47 > 0:14:52- you want your neighbours knowing you're better than them. - LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We had Sky through a satellite dish, 1998.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59You could be watching Sky TV. I don't know if anyone remembers old school Sky.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03You could be watching Sky TV in the living room,
0:15:03 > 0:15:08but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs and watch Sky,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11but only what the person in the living room...
0:15:11 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Only what they were watching.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I don't know the technical explanation as to why that happened. It just did.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Saturday nights, me and my Dad watching Match Of The Day.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30It gets to the kind of shite games.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35And I say, "I think I'm going to go to bed, Dad.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37"Good night."
0:15:37 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:56And he continues the charade. "You're going to bed?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58"Ah, that's fine. Good night."
0:15:58 > 0:16:02LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:12And there's a mutual father and son - "We both know what the plan is here".
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Casually exit the living room, nice and slow.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Don't even stop off in the kitchen for a look in the fridge.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Eyes on the prize, right up the stairs.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Bedroom TV switched on, got to channel number six,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43that's where you see what he's watching.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45TVs are synchronised. But he's in control.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:52A few minutes go by and he's still watching Match Of The Day.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I'm thinking. "He must be giving it a couple of minutes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- "Don't want to make it too obvious." - LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:01"Nice and smooth, he's done this before."
0:17:01 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Another few minutes go by.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I'm thinking, "Come on, stick to the plan, Andy!"
0:17:09 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"You're better than this, come on."
0:17:16 > 0:17:18LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Looking at the bottom right of the TV, waiting for the numbers to get typed in.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:27The numbers that can make or break the evening's entertainment.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Waiting for the numbers. "Go on, give me your numbers!"
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Nine. That's good.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:45He's played a nine. Could not have hoped for a better start than a nine.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Zero five, the ten minute free view. Jackpot!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"You're a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you!"
0:18:08 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Back in the day, back in the old days...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I don't know if I can reminisce much at 23,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21but I like to reminisce about the '90s, the good old days.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Back when it was just the Playstation 2 and stuff like that.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Remember when you got your first taste of independence,
0:18:28 > 0:18:32when word had spread in your school that somebody's mum and dad
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- were going away for the weekend. - LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And that the guy or girl were having a party.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41They never knew they were having a party.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Perhaps "having" is the wrong choice of word. They were getting a party.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:56I don't mean the kind of high school parties that you see in American movies.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: "Hey, do you guys know Chad Hogan?"
0:19:00 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"Yeah, of course, man. Everybody knows Chad Hogan, man."
0:19:10 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:20"Chad Hogan's mom and dad are going to Long Island for the weekend, man!
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"There's a party at Chad Hogan's mom and dad's. Wooh!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"Spring break, yeah!"
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:33"Chad Hogan's parties are awesome, man. Wooh!"
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Then it shows you Chad Hogan's party.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Chad Hogan's booked a band for his living room.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"Great party, Chad. Wooh! Yeah!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"Let's go get some dip and chip."
0:19:50 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Everybody's nodding with these plastic cups of beer.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Nobody knows who brought them.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05They weren't the kind of parties we had. We never had those parties.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09We never had Spring Break. We had the Easter Holidays!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:13 > 0:20:18When I was growing up, it was called an empty.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:33It derives from "We've got an empty house, we've got an empty."
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"The house is empty, it's an empty!"
0:20:36 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You never had "Spring Break!"
0:20:40 > 0:20:44And Chad Hogan, or bands at an empty.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46An empty was a far more tense affair.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Somebody's furious cousin would disrupt
0:20:52 > 0:20:56the ambience by announcing he'd purchased 12 cans,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58drank two,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01gave one away.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03But there's only seven left.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- "We've got a can thief. Fucking turn that down!" - LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:26- Somebody else in the corner, just trying on people's jackets. - LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"Do you think this one suits me?"
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Not even asking, "Does it fit me?" "Does it suit me?"
0:21:39 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:44The guy's a petty criminal, but you need to look your best!
0:21:44 > 0:21:49The same guy that's leaving the house at the end of the night, holding a microwave.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- "I think you'll find I brought this with me." - LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"And I do not care for the accusation!"
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"Why would I steal a microwave?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:17A 35-year-old guy that nobody knew in the corner.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Smoking dope and blowing into a Labrador's face.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:31An intelligent dog as well and it's sitting there, frazzled.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:37An empty!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Good times in an empty.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I seen a headline about a mental party.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- It was obviously a tragic event, but it was pretty funny. - LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:53It said, "Woman drugged, beaten, tied up
0:22:53 > 0:22:57"and left for dead at neighbour's party".
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:13I've been in attendance at some pretty wild gaffs, but when a woman
0:23:13 > 0:23:16has been drugged, beaten, tied up, "I'd better get a taxi!"
0:23:16 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:23That's the cue to stop dishing out nibbles.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:31A lot of violent crime. That's been in the news. Knife crime, gun crime.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33There are calls for tougher sentences.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I think we need more consistent sentences.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40For example, the crime attempted murder
0:23:40 > 0:23:43that carries a six or seven year jail sentence.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Murder carries a life sentence. Why should that be different?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- You still tried it. - LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Attempted. You tried to kill somebody. You weren't very good at it!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER
0:23:58 > 0:24:02It was by no means your forte. I don't think you should get a lesser sentence.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06In my opinion you should get double for making an arse of it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Then you get police officers that travel round schools
0:24:14 > 0:24:17to give talks to kids about knife crime.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20At the end of the talks they give the kid a sticker,
0:24:20 > 0:24:25that says, "Dennis the Menace", or something like that.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"Dennis the Menace says no to knives."
0:24:27 > 0:24:32I don't mean to be cynical, but if you wore a "Dennis the Menace says no to knives" sticker at school,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34there's a good chance you'd get stabbed.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:46I think the start would be to close the shops that sell violent weapons.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49You know you get these sports shops that sell crossbows to alcoholics,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52you know these places?
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Sports shops that sell 3,000 baseball bats every year
0:24:56 > 0:24:58but have never sold a baseball.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:09"The Easterhouse Red Sox haven't had a game in a while, but we're..."
0:25:09 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:17"We're still selling them equipment. They must have a pretty hectic pre-season schedule booked."
0:25:17 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I was in one of these places doing a bit of research
0:25:22 > 0:25:26and the only security measure if you want to buy something that could be construed as a violent weapon
0:25:26 > 0:25:29is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address
0:25:29 > 0:25:32so if anything happens you can be easily traced for questioning.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37Now that's the theory. What self-respecting nutcase...
0:25:37 > 0:25:40..buying a weapon with a view to committing a heinous felony,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43would leave their real name and address?
0:25:43 > 0:25:48I picture some police investigation team going through the book.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53They'd say, "Excuse me, shop owner..."
0:25:53 > 0:25:58"It says here you sold a samurai sword to Bert and Ernie?"
0:25:58 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"From 24 Sesame Street?"
0:26:06 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:18Then some new guy cop, they've sent him on a wild goose chase somewhere.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Sesame Street not showing up on the satnav.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Sliding down the window for directions. "Excuse me..."
0:26:27 > 0:26:29"Excuse me made, sorry, excuse me, excuse me. Can you, eh..."
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"..tell me..."
0:26:32 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"..how to get...
0:26:40 > 0:26:44"..how to get to Sesame?" That's a fucking wind-up, isn't it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Now we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I don't know if we've got any fat people in the room. Have we got any fat people in?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- CHEERING - I'm a little bit rotund myself.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06I don't mean I'm fat. I'd give myself chubby. I'm not documentary fat.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Never going to turn on Channel 4 on Tuesday night and see a guy like me,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"Tonight, we meet the 14-stone man."
0:27:17 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"That looks disgusting."
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"Anybody watch that 14-stone man last night? Shocking."
0:27:26 > 0:27:30"Showed you this guy, couldn't even do 20 minutes on the treadmill."
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"It was... It showed you the guy having his dinner."
0:27:33 > 0:27:36"He had a gammon steak and oven chips."
0:27:36 > 0:27:41"Then he'd five Jaffa cakes, and a Penguin."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43LAUGHTER
0:27:43 > 0:27:48"14 stone! It's on again next week. The guy's shocking."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51That's how we've got an obesity epidemic.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Don't have the facilities. That's how we've got an obesity epidemic.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58If you've got a bit of a waist, it means you've got to shop in shit holes.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02You walk in somewhere trendy like Top Shop for a pair of jeans -
0:28:02 > 0:28:05somewhere trendier than that maybe, River Island.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Walk into River Island and you know the sales assistants
0:28:08 > 0:28:11that work in these places, some indie band freak show
0:28:11 > 0:28:14they come bouncing across to serve you?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17They've got that kind of, "Hey man, yeah, wooh!"
0:28:17 > 0:28:20LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Telling you to chillax.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26LAUGHTER
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"Why don't you just chillax, man?" Anybody ever told you to chillax?
0:28:29 > 0:28:32They've took the word 'chill' and the word 'relax' and combined them
0:28:32 > 0:28:37to make ironically the most infuriating work there's ever been.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41They come bouncing over, they've got that energy and enthusiasm
0:28:41 > 0:28:44that oozes from people who have never been punched in the face.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:52 > 0:28:55But you require this guy's assistance.
0:28:55 > 0:29:01You're in Top Shop, they sell jeans. You're in Top Shop, you need jeans.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04So I had to say, "Excuse me mate, can I try on these jeans, please?"
0:29:04 > 0:29:07In a 36-inch waist.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10And his enthusiasm...
0:29:10 > 0:29:13LAUGHTER
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Was that you? Good to see you again.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:23AUDIENCE MEMBER: Try a 38!
0:29:23 > 0:29:24Try a 38?
0:29:26 > 0:29:27Fuck you, man.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39Ask the guy, "Try the jeans on, in a 38-inch waist." Good call, right.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Shut it! 38-inch waist...
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Regardless, a 36, a 38-inch waist.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52You say to the guy, "Can I try these jeans on in a 40-inch waist?" Right.
0:29:53 > 0:29:5738-inch waist. And the guy, his enthusiasm just drains.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00And he looks at you, appalled.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Know that way you would look at somebody
0:30:02 > 0:30:05if they just took a shite in your kettle?
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Imagine somebody took a shite in your kettle, you'd be furious,
0:30:21 > 0:30:22wouldn't you?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24It is a social faux pas.
0:30:29 > 0:30:30"Did you just shite in the kettle?!"
0:30:30 > 0:30:33LAUGHTER
0:30:37 > 0:30:41"I don't come into your house and shite in your kettle.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42"You've changed, man."
0:30:48 > 0:30:49CHEERING
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Shiting in kettles!
0:30:51 > 0:30:54I started shopping in proper shithole clothes shops.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58You don't get judged in a proper shithole clothes shop.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01I was in a place called Dunnes Stores.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07It's the hot, new, up-and-coming shithole clothes shop on the scene.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10Somewhere between Primark and shoplifting.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12LAUGHTER
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Now I've got a theory about clothes shops.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23I find in a clothes shop, the cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Anybody ever done that thing, you've been in a shop and you confuse
0:31:26 > 0:31:29another shopper for being a member of the staff? Right...
0:31:31 > 0:31:33You go to ask them a question and they go,
0:31:33 > 0:31:37"I don't actually... I don't actually work here."
0:31:37 > 0:31:39And you go, "I thought you worked here,"
0:31:39 > 0:31:41and you both share a chuckle and move on.
0:31:43 > 0:31:48It's finished. However, in Dunnes Stores, it's no laughing matter.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51The cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Tensions run through the roof in these kind of places.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I was in this dump.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01And a guy said to me, he said, "Excuse me.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02"Excuse me.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05"EXCUSE ME, BUDDY."
0:32:05 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:08 > 0:32:10"How much?
0:32:12 > 0:32:14"How much are these?"
0:32:14 > 0:32:16- And I said... - CHUCKLE
0:32:19 > 0:32:22"I don't actually work here, buddy."
0:32:22 > 0:32:25And he said, "That's not what I fucking asked you."
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Dunnes Stores.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37That was my first ever job, part-time job,
0:32:37 > 0:32:39I used to work in TK Maxx.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41CHEERING
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Thank you.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46TK Maxx. I was in charge of the changing rooms, that was my job.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49I was the guy that would count your items, then give you a number.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53So if you were trying on three items, I gave you a number three.
0:32:55 > 0:32:59And if you were trying on four items, I gave you a number four.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02But we only had numbers one to six.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05And this one time a woman was trying on seven items.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09And everybody was fucking freaking out.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18I said, "Calm ourselves here, let's just calm ourselves.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20"Give me the six.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23"Give me the one.
0:33:26 > 0:33:27"Problem solved."
0:33:30 > 0:33:32HE CHUCKLES
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Unemployment... That was my first ever job.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36I remember being unemployed as well.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40I used to study psychology, for three weeks, that was my thing.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44Psychology, three weeks studying psychology. Get a bit freaked out.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48Sigmund Freud, he was a sex pest.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50He had a theory that young guys have sexual feelings
0:33:50 > 0:33:52towards their own mothers.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54I remember reading this and thinking,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"The guy's obviously never seen my mother."
0:34:00 > 0:34:03A lovely woman, but you wouldn't ride her into battle.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:12 > 0:34:15I've been unemployed, I feel sorry for anybody unemployed.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17It's a pretty tough time to go through in your life.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21I remember being in the Job Centre. I think Job Centres should be renamed The Shite Job Centre.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24You never walk by a Job Centre and see in the window
0:34:24 > 0:34:26"Forensic detective required."
0:34:30 > 0:34:32"Barrister required."
0:34:32 > 0:34:37It's always "Customer service advisor's assistant required."
0:34:37 > 0:34:41"Could you make the tea for the guy who makes the coffee?"
0:34:48 > 0:34:50I remember being in the Job Centre.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Everything was "Must have experience.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56"Must have qualifications." I'm just a dickhead, never had much of that.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Last option, just left school, I can join the army.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Right, you've got the British Army Recruitment Desk.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05You've got the two guys there, Robson and Jerome sitting there...
0:35:06 > 0:35:08..with the berets on.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11The guy's going, ("Come on with us, son. Be the best.)
0:35:13 > 0:35:15("Do you want shot? We'll get ye shot, come on.")
0:35:18 > 0:35:20And I'm thinking, "Me, join the army?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23"T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications
0:35:23 > 0:35:25"to sell phones."
0:35:25 > 0:35:27LAUGHTER
0:35:29 > 0:35:34"Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38"And you want to give me a machine gun?"
0:35:45 > 0:35:47I was at a Christian rock festival.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50Never meant to be there, Christian rock festival,
0:35:50 > 0:35:52I was just passing through the Christian Celebration Festival.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56There was a stall set up that said, "A free toastie...
0:35:58 > 0:36:00"..for all of God's children."
0:36:01 > 0:36:03A free toastie.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06So I thought, "Shamone."
0:36:12 > 0:36:16I said, "Good afternoon. Good afternoon, sir.
0:36:16 > 0:36:17"May I have a toastie?"
0:36:18 > 0:36:22And the guy said, "Are you a Christian?"
0:36:22 > 0:36:24And I thought, "Well, if I'm not a Christian,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26"am I not getting a toastie?"
0:36:26 > 0:36:28LAUGHTER
0:36:33 > 0:36:35"That's very unchristian!"
0:36:37 > 0:36:41And the guy crumbled under the weight of my argument.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44And he said, "OK, you can have cheese or cheese-and-ham."
0:36:45 > 0:36:48And I said, "Just cheese, mate. Cos I'm a Jew."
0:36:55 > 0:36:58That's how you get a free toastie off the Lord, people.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03I don't really know the big, know the big debate between religion and science?
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Atheism's becoming quite cool in 2010.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08The big debate between religion and science...
0:37:08 > 0:37:11I would always take religion, purely on a basic level.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15Remember at school science was quite difficult?
0:37:19 > 0:37:22You had to read stuff and remember stuff, right?
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Whereas religious was a skive.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Just some guilt-ridden middle-aged woman reading passages
0:37:29 > 0:37:32from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents
0:37:32 > 0:37:33pissing themselves laughing
0:37:33 > 0:37:37at something that's been drawn on the blackboard. That was a skive.
0:37:38 > 0:37:39I'd like to believe in something.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42You don't just live and then die and that's it finished.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I'd like to believe there's something bigger than this.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47It's hard, you know, you think, "Where's the evidence?
0:37:47 > 0:37:50"If there's a God, why is there so much evil in the world?
0:37:50 > 0:37:52"Why is there famine, corruption, greed, stuff like that?"
0:37:52 > 0:37:55And you think, "Maybe..." You need to make up your own theories.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58I've combined a bit of religion, a bit of atheism
0:37:58 > 0:38:02and came to my own conclusions. Maybe God created the world...
0:38:02 > 0:38:04but then he fucked off.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:10He's God, he's going to have more than one property, isn't he?
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Maybe we've got the place to ourselves. We've got an empty.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19This is the world.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:38:27 > 0:38:30And like all good empties, it's got a bit out of hand.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33That's why you've got terrorism, corruption, greed.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34Maybe God will come back one day
0:38:34 > 0:38:37and go, "Look at the fucking state of this place.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43"Everybody get oot!"
0:38:47 > 0:38:49You'd have world leaders and corrupt bankers,
0:38:49 > 0:38:51people shuffling out the door going,
0:38:51 > 0:38:55"Sorry, we never thought you were coming back, mate. Sorry about the mess."
0:38:55 > 0:38:58The Pope sitting there, the Pope knows he's getting grounded.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00LAUGHTER
0:39:05 > 0:39:08"I'll speak to you in a minute, Pope."
0:39:08 > 0:39:10HE CHUCKLES
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Ah, "Live and let live," that's the motto, I believe,
0:39:16 > 0:39:18"unless you're a dick." That's my motto.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21Did the election fever grip... Anybody vote in the election?
0:39:21 > 0:39:25Anybody get interested with the big election this year?
0:39:25 > 0:39:28I watched the three leadership debates and I thought, "Wow.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32"I'm definitely going to draw a cock and balls on the ballot paper."
0:39:37 > 0:39:40It was quite good when Gordon Brown got caught on the microphone.
0:39:40 > 0:39:41They said he'd just got unlucky,
0:39:41 > 0:39:44cos the microphone just died as he got out...
0:39:44 > 0:39:47They just managed to catch him saying what he said.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49He was talking about... I think he got pretty lucky.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52If the microphone had stayed on, we'd have heard what he really thought.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55"Just some bigoted old woman." You know, "Who's idea was that?
0:39:55 > 0:39:57"Was that Sue's idea? Absolute disaster.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00"Just a bigoted old woman. What she needed was a good fucking ride,
0:40:00 > 0:40:02"that's what she needed.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14"Eastern European immigrants, just a good cock, that's what she needs."
0:40:16 > 0:40:18You need Eastern European immigrants.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20I was in a party with Polish people.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22There was one Polish guy, I was speaking to him, right.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25The Polish guy never spoke any English.
0:40:25 > 0:40:26Now, I don't speak much Polish,
0:40:26 > 0:40:29so it became apparent that a conversation would present
0:40:29 > 0:40:32some significant linguistical challenges.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Then I remembered I'd done some French when I was younger. French.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42Find the common denominator with the Polish guy.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45So I said, "Parlez-vous francais?"
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Then the Polish guy says, "Oui."
0:40:52 > 0:40:55And I'm going, "..Cool."
0:41:01 > 0:41:05See, "parlez-vous francais?" is kind of all I've got in the tank.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12But the Polish guy now thinks I speak French, so...
0:41:16 > 0:41:19- He's going... - IMITATES FRENCH
0:41:20 > 0:41:22"Oui?"
0:41:26 > 0:41:28The next day, "Who told that Polish guy
0:41:28 > 0:41:30"he could take a shite in the kettle?!"
0:41:30 > 0:41:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:40 > 0:41:44You need a bit of immigration in the world. You need a few...
0:41:44 > 0:41:46I feel sorry for asylum seekers.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49You know, you read about them, their applications get expelled,
0:41:49 > 0:41:51they get accused of lying, lying about being in danger.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54I think if somebody's prepared to travel thousands of miles
0:41:54 > 0:41:57in the back of a lorry, starving themselves for weeks,
0:41:57 > 0:41:59risking their lives at the border controls
0:41:59 > 0:42:02just to get a council flat in Sighthill...
0:42:03 > 0:42:05..something's frightening the shite out them.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11BNP this year,
0:42:11 > 0:42:15they got forced to allow non-white people to join the BNP.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16I thought that was pretty cool.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20I'd encourage people from every ethnic group to join the BNP.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22You know, let's ruin their party.
0:42:24 > 0:42:25I'd love to live in a country
0:42:25 > 0:42:28where the white supremacists are black!
0:42:33 > 0:42:37"I'm supposed to be racist, who's this guy? How's he in my team?"
0:42:42 > 0:42:48We had a bit of racial animosity in this city, in Glasgow,
0:42:48 > 0:42:51when we got our terrorist attack, remember that?
0:42:51 > 0:42:55Glasgow Airport. We got our own little terrorist attack.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58Pretty proud of that. It kind of put us on the map.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London
0:43:04 > 0:43:05and then Glasgow.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09We were fucking flattered.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19My dad had a tear in his eye. "It's a proud day, son.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26"That's us on the telly, look at that, I've been there.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31"I've parked there!"
0:43:35 > 0:43:37And everybody had a laugh.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39But terrorism does have a negative side.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43It did create a kind of racial divide.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46I witnessed this first-hand on a train going down south,
0:43:46 > 0:43:49on this train, just me, sitting here, and a middle-aged guy,
0:43:49 > 0:43:52sitting just along a bit. Now, a couple of stops later,
0:43:52 > 0:43:55a woman of Asian appearance boarded the train
0:43:55 > 0:43:59and sat beside the middle-aged guy, who immediately stood up
0:43:59 > 0:44:01and walked away.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05You ever seen that film Snakes On A Plane?
0:44:05 > 0:44:08This was Jakes On A Train, right. That's funny.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Walked away, right...
0:44:14 > 0:44:19The middle-aged guy stood up and just walked away, and sat beside me.
0:44:21 > 0:44:23He started to nudge me.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25Know that way a scumbag presumes
0:44:25 > 0:44:27that you're also going to be a scumbag?
0:44:30 > 0:44:33Nudging me, and he's pointing, and he said,
0:44:33 > 0:44:37"I don't fancy sitting beside her, pal.
0:44:37 > 0:44:41"No chance. She'll be one of they, one of they suicide bombers.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45"I'm taking no chances."
0:44:49 > 0:44:51I thought, "I can see your logic here, mate.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54"You thought she might be a suicide bomber,
0:44:54 > 0:44:57"so you've came and sat four seats away.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08"Seriously underestimating the power of Semtex.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14"Think she's got a stink bomb?"
0:45:20 > 0:45:22"This is the jihad, for Allah!"
0:45:22 > 0:45:25"That is fucking bowfin', hen. That is..."
0:45:25 > 0:45:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:35 > 0:45:39"Open that window. Smelly Taliban bastards.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50"That is disgusting.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53"Somebody get a can of Febreze, there's been a terrorist attack.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01"That is absolutely mingin'."
0:46:02 > 0:46:07But you're stuck with the guy the whole way going down south,
0:46:07 > 0:46:09going to London. The guy said, "Are you going to London?"
0:46:09 > 0:46:11And I said, "Aye."
0:46:11 > 0:46:13And he said, "I don't like London.
0:46:13 > 0:46:17"Guys like me and you, mate, we're the foreigners in London.
0:46:17 > 0:46:22"They're coming over here, mate, and they're speaking Punjabi."
0:46:24 > 0:46:26I remember the way the guy said Punjabi was pretty funny,
0:46:26 > 0:46:28"They're speakin' poon-jabby!
0:46:30 > 0:46:33"They're wearing these burqas, mate. This is OUR country.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35"If they want to come into our country,
0:46:35 > 0:46:37"they should at least be adapting to our culture."
0:46:37 > 0:46:39And I'm looking at this guy, thinking,
0:46:39 > 0:46:42"I bet when he goes abroad, he really blends in."
0:46:45 > 0:46:47Walking about Lanzarote looking for a Greggs.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:46:59 > 0:47:03"You don't understand my accent? A Daily Record, ya dick!"
0:47:14 > 0:47:17Summertime's approaching, holiday time's coming up.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19- Anybody going on holiday? - CHEERING
0:47:19 > 0:47:22Anybody? "Woo, yeah!"
0:47:22 > 0:47:24I've been on a few different types of holidays.
0:47:24 > 0:47:28I remember I went on holiday when I was like seven years old.
0:47:28 > 0:47:32There's a big age gap between me and my brother, so I'd need to go at seven years old, with just me,
0:47:32 > 0:47:34my mum and dad, and I'd be bored on the first day.
0:47:34 > 0:47:38My mum would say, "Don't worry. I'll find you a wee pal.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45"Don't worry, we'll find you a wee friend,
0:47:45 > 0:47:47"we'll find you somebody to play with. Don't worry."
0:47:47 > 0:47:50I'd get introduced to some other stray...
0:47:53 > 0:47:56..who would come with a disclaimer.
0:47:56 > 0:47:59"Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon doesn't like the pool."
0:48:04 > 0:48:08I'd say, "Hi, Brandon." He'd say, "Hi, Kev."
0:48:10 > 0:48:13"Brandon doesn't like the sunshine.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16"Brandon doesn't play football."
0:48:16 > 0:48:18"Brilliant(!) Two weeks in Mallorca,
0:48:18 > 0:48:20"sitting in the shade...
0:48:21 > 0:48:23"..playing Connect Four with an albino."
0:48:23 > 0:48:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:48:31 > 0:48:36You go on holiday, lying round the pool, relaxing during the day,
0:48:36 > 0:48:41And here comes this guy with a T-shirt on and a whistle,
0:48:41 > 0:48:43you know, the leader of the kids' club.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48This...prick. Leader of the kids' club.
0:48:48 > 0:48:52Blowing his whistle, trying to get the kids into the shallow end
0:48:52 > 0:48:55for a game of water polo.
0:48:55 > 0:48:59And you've got all these wee inbred mutant bastards...
0:49:01 > 0:49:04..screaming and splashing,
0:49:04 > 0:49:06going, "Mummy!"
0:49:08 > 0:49:11It's that accent again, "Mummy! Daddy just farted!
0:49:15 > 0:49:17"Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"
0:49:17 > 0:49:20And there's the Scottish kids, they're just kind of floating...
0:49:25 > 0:49:27They're still fucked from the night before.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:49:37 > 0:49:39SIGHING
0:49:41 > 0:49:44"Water polo, mate? Maybe some other time, eh?
0:49:47 > 0:49:51"We're not long in, mate, we just got in, man, honestly.
0:49:51 > 0:49:54"I was doing two-for-ones in that Sports Cafe last night.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00"I've got a throat like a junkie's carpet, man."
0:50:05 > 0:50:09"Mummy! Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"
0:50:10 > 0:50:12- THICK GLASGOW ACCENT:- "Ho, Dad.
0:50:12 > 0:50:13"Ho, Dad.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16"HO, DAD. Ho, Brian.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20"Give us another one of your fags, gonnae?
0:50:25 > 0:50:27"Gies a fag."
0:50:28 > 0:50:31And beside you is the Scottish boy's mum and dad.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34I say dad, Brian, I don't know, the guy that took the hit.
0:50:39 > 0:50:42She's saying, "That's embarrassing. That is absolutely cringeworthy.
0:50:42 > 0:50:44"He's only 12 and he's asking me for a fag.
0:50:44 > 0:50:46"He's asking me and you for a fag.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48"He's only 12. You'd better speak to him."
0:50:48 > 0:50:51The mum's there, worried about looking cringeworthy.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54She's sitting there with Lidl and Aldi tattooed...
0:51:02 > 0:51:04"You'd better speak to him."
0:51:05 > 0:51:09The dad goes, Brian goes, "Don't worry, hen. I'll speak to him.
0:51:09 > 0:51:13"Hey, you fucking get your own fags, ya wee dick."
0:51:13 > 0:51:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:51:20 > 0:51:22"They're only a quid a packet."
0:51:25 > 0:51:28Then you get a bit older and you go on a holiday with your mates,
0:51:28 > 0:51:32as I'm sure a few of you are doing, a few young people in the room,
0:51:32 > 0:51:34going on your first holiday with your mates.
0:51:34 > 0:51:38- CHEERING - That's when you see proper carnage.
0:51:38 > 0:51:40When you go on holiday with your mates,
0:51:40 > 0:51:45you confuse "having a laugh" and "being a major health and safety hazard".
0:51:47 > 0:51:49You'll see groups of guys walking about the airport,
0:51:49 > 0:51:51"Anything To Declare?"
0:51:51 > 0:51:52"Aye, he's a gay-boy."
0:52:01 > 0:52:04"Know how that sign said Anything To Declare?,
0:52:04 > 0:52:07"and I said, 'He's a gay-boy'? This holiday's going to be mental."
0:52:10 > 0:52:13The carnage starts before you even leave your own country.
0:52:13 > 0:52:18On the plane, about to leave, that's when you see chaos on a plane.
0:52:18 > 0:52:23You know, guys just swinging their T-shirts round their head on the plane.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25There's always one guy delayed.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28He's getting the final call back in the departure lounge.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31"Final, final call. Final call."
0:52:31 > 0:52:34The whole plane's delayed, seatbelts fastened, waiting to go.
0:52:34 > 0:52:38Waiting on this guy. He finally emerges.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41Front of the plane, the sombrero emerges.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43LAUGHTER
0:52:50 > 0:52:53And rather than apologise for the inconvenience
0:52:53 > 0:52:55and the delay that he's caused everybody on the plane,
0:52:55 > 0:52:59he just kind of scopes the cabin to find the rest of his pals...
0:53:01 > 0:53:03..and shouts, "Haw-haw!
0:53:10 > 0:53:12"Here we go!"
0:53:12 > 0:53:15And the whole plane's thinking, "No chance.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19"This plane better crash."
0:53:25 > 0:53:29The guy's swinging his T-shirt round his head, singing.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31That's the kind of flights that you want to see a hijacker on,
0:53:31 > 0:53:34on that plane.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37You want to see an al-Qaeda suicide bomb attempt on that plane.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Glasgow to Palma.
0:53:43 > 0:53:46I don't mean that in a self-congratulatory way.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49I think the hijackers would have the manpower, the willpower,
0:53:49 > 0:53:50determination and the belief
0:53:50 > 0:53:54that the only stumbling block would be getting a word in...
0:53:59 > 0:54:01..on that flight, Glasgow to Palma.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05You've spent the last 15 years of your life in Taliban training camps,
0:54:05 > 0:54:10on the flight simulators, ready to die for a cause you believe in,
0:54:10 > 0:54:14ready to give your life for 72 virgins.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17For Allah. For the jihad.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20You're on that plane. You're trying to stay focused.
0:54:20 > 0:54:24It must be pretty intense, the place you need to go to inside your mind
0:54:24 > 0:54:26to commit such an atrocity.
0:54:26 > 0:54:28You're trying to stay concentrated
0:54:28 > 0:54:32whilst an inflatable crocodile gets smacked off the back of your head.
0:54:32 > 0:54:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:54:45 > 0:54:48"Gonnae pass that back up, mate? Cheers."
0:54:55 > 0:54:59But the show must go on. The kamikaze headband goes on.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03You're in the aisle shouting, "Allah hu akbar. Allah hu akbar."
0:55:03 > 0:55:06Nobody bats an eyelid.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12People singing and banging the windows.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:55:23 > 0:55:25"Allah hu akbar!"
0:55:25 > 0:55:30People having drunken conversations, "Are we humans or are we dancers?
0:55:35 > 0:55:38"That song really spoke to me.
0:55:38 > 0:55:43"Cos obviously I'm, I'm human, but I like to dance, so I don't know...
0:55:43 > 0:55:49"Is there an option for a guy like me in this...whole predicament?"
0:55:49 > 0:55:53"He's hijacking the plane? I'll burst him, where is he?
0:55:59 > 0:56:04"I'll put the fag out in a minute, mate, I'm dealing with a potential terror threat here."
0:56:04 > 0:56:07LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:56:11 > 0:56:13"Fucking jobsworth."
0:56:21 > 0:56:23The guy's still shouting, "Allah hu akbar!"
0:56:23 > 0:56:26"Mate, sit on your arse, I'm trying to see the telly."
0:56:28 > 0:56:32"Aye, it's Kronenbourg. Just the wee cans. Pringles? Pringles?
0:56:32 > 0:56:33"Pringles?"
0:56:35 > 0:56:36Then eventually...
0:56:36 > 0:56:39Eventually tell the guy to sit on his arse, cuddle the guy.
0:56:39 > 0:56:43It'd be a beautiful moment for world peace, just sitting there, saying,
0:56:43 > 0:56:45"You're killing yourself for 72 virgins, mate.
0:56:45 > 0:56:47"We're going to Magaluf, man."
0:56:53 > 0:56:56You're lovely. Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow,
0:56:56 > 0:56:59it's been a pleasure talking to you, thanks a lot...
0:56:59 > 0:57:01..for coming out.
0:57:01 > 0:57:03CHEERING
0:57:03 > 0:57:06Goodnight. God bless.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08See you soon.
0:57:14 > 0:57:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd