0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:10 > 0:00:15Over 100 dates across the country but this is the big one,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18the one he's really been looking forward to,
0:00:18 > 0:00:24the best town on the tour, yes, we're here in...
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Hammersmith.
0:00:24 > 0:00:30Yes, wonderful, beautiful, amazing...
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hammersmith.
0:00:30 > 0:00:36Famous, of course, for its fantastic...
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Flyover.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41And its absolutely superb...
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Bus station.
0:00:41 > 0:00:47And let's not forget its brilliant, breathtaking, awe-inspiring...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Cheap heroin.
0:00:49 > 0:00:56So, now, please welcome to the stage, Mr Lee Mack!
0:00:56 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I did say no kids.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I don't mess about!
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Read the leaflet. I don't print them for my own good!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You'll never see him again and it's your own fault.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Let's start with some audience participation.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- What's your name, mate?- Dan.- Have you ever changed a light bulb?- Yes?
0:02:34 > 0:02:39Did you do it on your own? Yes, and that's what's making this country so great! Let's hear it for the Dan!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Well done, Dan. That's the end of the audience participation.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48So, how many paedophiles does it take to change a light bulb?
0:02:48 > 0:02:49One.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's people like you that are ruining this country, Dan!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59So, this DFS sale...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03..it's dragging on a bit, innit?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08That one bloke who paid full whack, he must be kicking himself.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Welcome to the show.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11New jokes, new tour.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Some of them'll work, some won't. But like my mum used to say,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17if you throw enough shit, some of it will stick.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I used to say, "Come on, Mum. Can't we get a PlayStation?"
0:03:19 > 0:03:25There's...there's different types of jokes, a bit of observational, not too much.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29It's too hard to write. You're supposed to talk about stuff you've noticed.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32My problem is I don't notice anything cos I don't do anything.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35A lot of comedians will talk about going to the supermarket.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I do all my stuff online.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40A lot of comedians will talk about their sex lives.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Same problem.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45But at least it's my own material. That's the main thing.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You can't do cover versions, not in comedy. It's not like music.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Imagine if I got up here and started doing Richard Pryor's material.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53It would be indefensible.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Trust me, I know, I've tried.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I got booed off stage
0:03:56 > 0:03:59and told by the other comedians I was a disgrace to the profession.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I've even tried it without blacking up.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:08There will be some bad language. That's the new rules of comedy,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10you've got to tell people in advance about bad language.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You can't watch a TV programme now without being warned.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I'm not sure we need those warnings. People swear all the time in real life
0:04:17 > 0:04:21and you don't get warned about that. It's not like people come up to me going,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"Lee, it all kicked off in the pub last night. Let me tell you about it
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"in a story which contains strong language from the start...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"and scenes of a sexual nature...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"and flashing lights.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36"So, there's this prick, he gets his cock out and I hit it with a torch."
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Talking of bad language, this is true...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Part of the tour, we had a signer for the deaf on stage.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49I learnt some swear words in sign language. For example, did you know that this is sign language for shit?
0:04:50 > 0:04:55I thought, that must be horrible if you're deaf and you cut yourself shaving.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Oh, shit.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58HE SCREAMS
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Honest to God, at one point, I said, "Bollocks." He went like this...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I said, "Mate, bollocks, not elephantitis."
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I said, "If that's bollocks, what's juggling?" And he went...
0:05:17 > 0:05:23So, basically, sign language for, "Hello, can I have a look at you juggling?"
0:05:23 > 0:05:29Is exactly the same as, "Hello, can I have a look at your testicles?"
0:05:29 > 0:05:33I thought, that must be awkward if you're a deaf children's entertainer.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:37That was wanker, obviously.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I can't help thinking though, if that's bollocks,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42maybe this should be wanker...
0:05:42 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Oh, you're back. You're back! The kids are back.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Well done, mate. I feel bad now. You missed the beginning of the show.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I'll fill you in. You haven't missed much.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Dan's a paedophile.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00You were safer in the box!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I'm obsessed by the whole swearing thing.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05In the newspapers, they do the asterisk.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07F, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. We know what it says.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10We can still read. What's the point in covering it up?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14When we get to it, we don't go, "F-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk."
0:06:14 > 0:06:15We know what it says.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18So they're covering it up but we can still hear it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21What's the point? That's like me going on Songs Of Praise and going,
0:06:21 > 0:06:26"Hello, Aled. I'd like to dedicate this next hymn to my father. He really was a great man.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31- "I say great, every now and again, he was a little bit of a- BLEEP. - Is that all right?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"Covered it up when I said it. Is that all right? Get off me!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"What's your problem? Thora Hird used to let me say it. You...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"Get off me."
0:06:40 > 0:06:45I'm so sorry. This is such a posh, pleasant sort of gig.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48What are you doing drinking? Can you drink in here? Oh, you can.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I like a drink. I joined a wine club recently.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53We meet every morning at nine o'clock in the park.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I'm obsessed with drinking. I was in the Queen's Head recently.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Prince Philip wasn't happy.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05And we were talking about the phrase - "pissed as newts".
0:07:05 > 0:07:07You don't hear that any more, do you? Pissed as newts.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11People used to say it all the time. I've come to the conclusion that
0:07:11 > 0:07:14all the newts got together and said, "Right, lads.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21"We... (SLURRED SPEECH) ..are going to have to sort ourselves out,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23"because apparently...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26"we're getting a terrible reputation."
0:07:26 > 0:07:30And the other one's gone, "What are we going to do with all this booze?"
0:07:30 > 0:07:33And the other one's gone, "Oh, I don't know.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Pour it down that rat's arse."
0:07:35 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:45I love it when the government's always trying to get involved.
0:07:45 > 0:07:51The Conservatives said, we're going to reduce binge drinking by increasing the tax on alcopops.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54How's that going to help, increasing the tax on alcopops?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Two fat women lying in the gutter at two in the morning.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"Are you all right, Sandra, love?" "Aye, I'm fine.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03"Just go and get us another bottle of hooch, you daft bitch."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"You sure yous want one?"
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"Aye. Why not?"
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"I'll tell yous why.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14"You know the government have raised duty on alcopops by 12.5%?"
0:08:14 > 0:08:15HE GASPS
0:08:15 > 0:08:16"He's what?!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20"That is totally disproportionate to the rate of inflation.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"Especially when you consider the current fiscal quota.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28"12.5% increase on the already steep price of £2.70 a bottle.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"Why, that's an increase of almost 33.1 pence on every unit price.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"And that sort of inflationary rise
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"is not just steep, it's totally unsustainable
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"in a modern, Western, democratic economy.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"Nah, forget it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45"Go get us a bottle of water instead.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49"I'm going to go home and have a long hard look at my life."
0:08:49 > 0:08:52LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:56"Actually, before you go, Sandra, love. Can you give us a hand?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"I think I've got a kebab stuck up me fanny."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I didn't need to use a Geordie accent. That was a stereotype.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I thought I'd play safe. We haven't got any Geordies in tonight, I assume?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- All right!- We have! Bloody hell.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Someone in London's having an extension done.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I read an interesting fact about Newcastle the other day.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19If you took all the chips that were eaten in Newcastle on a Friday night
0:09:19 > 0:09:21and put them in a pile,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24they would reach out and grab those chips back.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's a fact. I read that!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31What's your name, madam?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Sorry? Charlene. How are you, Charlene?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Nice to see you, Charlene. Can I ask you a question? How old are you?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Sorry, that's a very rude question.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I meant to say, how heavy are you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Sorry. How... How old are you?
0:09:45 > 0:09:4823! Wow!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49I'm not going to lie,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52this joke isn't going to work. I thought you were older.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Perfect, you'll do.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I'm joking!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00We'll edit it in, it'll be fine.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I'm joking. At least you didn't say 29. I wouldn't have believed you.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Never trust a woman if her age ends in nine. That's what they say.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Cos if a woman says 39, they mean mid-40s.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11If they say 29, they mean mid-30s.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14If they just say nine, you shouldn't be making enquiries.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Hope you're listening to this, Dan.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I'm 41 now and I find as I'm getting older, I'm turning into my dad,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25cos I've started fancying my mum.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I'm joking!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29He never fancied me mum.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34It was always me sister. Oh, come on!
0:10:34 > 0:10:39A bit of incest, goes back generations in our family, doesn't do any harm.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Apart from my sister's webbed feet.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43We used to tease her but she got the last laugh.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47She was the only one who could keep away from dad in the swimming pool.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I'm obsessed with age. There was a woman on the radio, 80 years old.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56They said, "How do you feel now you've turned 80?"
0:10:56 > 0:10:59This woman said, "I feel exactly the same now as I did when I was 14."
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Everyone went, "Oh, isn't that lovely."
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Then I thought, no, it's weird.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I'm sorry, but if you feel exactly the same at 80
0:11:05 > 0:11:08as you did when you were 14, you have wasted your life.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You're supposed to grow old, mature, get wise.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Who wants to go to their nan and go, "What did you do today?"
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"I loitered outside the off-licence, bit of shoplifting,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"then I got fingered behind Tesco's."
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Who wants to hear that?! Nobody!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Here's a moral question about age for you.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27How old do you have to be
0:11:27 > 0:11:29before a girl is allowed to have her ears pierced?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- 14.- 14? Who said that?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Thank you very much. That is exactly what I said
0:11:34 > 0:11:36and I got told I was an old fuddy-duddy and stuffy.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41There's someone in this world who's got the same morals as me. Thank you, madam.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Cos my girlfriend wants to get her ears pierced, right...
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Is this your other half, Charlene? Yes, and is he older or younger?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54He's older. Hello. How much older?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55INAUDIBLE
0:11:55 > 0:11:57How many years?
0:11:57 > 0:12:0013 years! 23...
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Sorry, I'm trying to work out if that obeys the French rule. You know the French rule?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Have you heard of France? The French rule?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11The French say you can't go out with anyone that's younger than half your age plus seven.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16They've all got their own rules. The Thai rule, half your age and half again.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20The Austrian rule, half your age and down six flights of stairs.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23The Chinese rule... Well, they will eventually.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25The Geordie rule, forget the age, count the teeth.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30But it's mainly the French rule. Why we're listening to the French, I'll never know.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34I've never trusted the French. The things they do to us. Writing C on the hot tap...
0:12:36 > 0:12:40C for cold, F for fucking hot and they swap it round. I'm not an idiot.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43And they nick all our words, like bananas.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46What do they do? Get rid of the letter B, call them, ananas.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49And they're horrible! They taste like pineapples.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Everyone goes on about the French, the French fancy food.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"Ooh, we love fancy..." No-one really likes fancy. They pretend
0:12:58 > 0:13:01to like fancy food, like caviar, grown inside a sturgeon.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I would rather have the fish.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Truffles, sniffed from the ground by an old sow.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I would rather have the pig.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15Oysters, collected off the ocean bed by a half-naked Filipino boy.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I prefer a takeaway. I love Subway.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I love that new campaign Subway's got.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"We make the sandwich the way you want it."
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I thought, that's very generous of you.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I'm glad I didn't come when it was the old system.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Can I have a cheese sandwich, please, with tomato and mayonnaise?"
0:13:35 > 0:13:37No.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42"Why not?"
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"Cos that's not the way Keith likes it."
0:13:44 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:48"Who's Keith?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"Bloke down the road."
0:13:53 > 0:13:57"Well, how does he like his cheese sandwich?"
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"With tomato and mayonnaise.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"But no cheese."
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"That's not true, is it?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"No."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"You don't know anyone called Keith, do you?"
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"No."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"What's going on?"
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"We've run out of cheese."
0:14:32 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Hello, madam in the front row holding onto your bottle.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Madam, how are you? Good.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You just did that great thing women do in the front row, which I always like.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51I'll talk to them, then they look at me and slightly glance down and back up again, thinking,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"He'll be gone when I look back."
0:14:55 > 0:15:00You're not blind, are you? That would be very awkward.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Is this your other half?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Are you sure you're not blind?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Only joking. You look great.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I'm looking at what you're wearing, madam.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12You've gone for a massive white belt,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and this long hair with a sort of diagonal fringe.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Then that grey thing, with a sort of dress over the top.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22It gets me very confused. I'm looking at it and I'll be completely honest with you,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I'm thinking, "What are you thinking about?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I look at you and think, "What are you thinking about?"
0:15:28 > 0:15:30What are you thinking about?!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I don't like it. So, good evening, welcome to the show.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I'd rather be honest.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I'm joking. She looks great. That was my experiment.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41That was my little experiment for the night. She looks great.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43But did you feel the tension in the room?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I called Dan a paedophile, I said I once blacked up... Nothing.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- I don't like what she's wearing... "He's a- BLEEP- monster!"
0:15:50 > 0:15:55I do like what she's wearing, but what if I didn't? It would be my taste against her taste.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58If I said, "What would you like to eat?" And she said, "Rhubarb."
0:15:58 > 0:16:02And I said, "I don't really like rhubarb." You wouldn't all go, "It's kicking off!
0:16:02 > 0:16:06"What's going to happen?!" If you think about it, that's more important
0:16:06 > 0:16:09cos we're talking about food, stuff you put inside your body.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Which brings me onto my main point. Him. What are you thinking about?!
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Look at him! His hair's different colours!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Are you a local lady, madam? Where are you from?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Mordor? Sorry, where are you from?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Oh, you're from Milton Keynes. I was right first time.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Milton Keynes. Very nice. That's the important thing. You've got to live in a nice area.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39It doesn't matter about your house or your flat, it's the area you live in.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44It's like Kirstie Allsopp always says on Channel 4, "Location, location, location."
0:16:44 > 0:16:47But we all know what she's actually thinking is,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"Biscuits, biscuits, biscuits."
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"Oh, Phil, I don't like these bevelled floor boards."
0:16:53 > 0:16:56"Well, they were all right before you came in, Princess."
0:16:56 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:05"Come on, Kirstie. Head out of the fridge. Let's have a look upstairs."
0:17:05 > 0:17:06"Biscuits!"
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Did you read about that? Biscuits are the most dangerous product in the house.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14They cause more admissions to accident and emergency than any other product.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16People give a biscuit to the dog, they get bitten.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19They dip the biscuit in the tea, they get burnt.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24It's not a laughing matter. My mum was seriously injured cos of a packet of Rich Tea biscuits.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28She was supposed to get me Jammy Dodgers so I punched her in the face.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I live in a nice area now. I moved to the west of London.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It's quite nice but like anywhere in London you're only ever
0:17:37 > 0:17:40five minutes away from a red light area or something.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Not but I've got a problem. I don't know what your opinion on the subject is.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Personally, I've always thought prostitution should be cheaper.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Legalised!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I said legalised, by the way, not eagle eyes.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I don't think prostitutes should have eagle eyes.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Maybe they should have eagle eyes and then when they go down on you,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03you can do that and they can keep a look out for the police.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:15I had to move out of the East End, though. It's the Cockneys. I get confused with Cockneys.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Cockney rhyming slang to me, it's very confusing.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23It's particularly confusing if you're the person the Cockney rhyming slang is named after.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27I mean, Hank Marvin.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30He must spend his life introducing himself to people...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:38..and people going...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42.."I can get you a cheese sandwich or something."
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Not everyone's from London tonight. I can tell.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Half of you knew that Hank Marvin means starving, and half of you got confused then,
0:18:54 > 0:18:59cos half of you think Hank has got something to do with wank. Is that the problem with that joke?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I can almost hear the conversations. "I don't get that one, Trevor. Do you?" "No, my darling.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"Why give Hank Marvin a cheese sandwich if he wants to masturbate?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:11"I was wondering the same thing. Maybe the sandwich is for Cliff Richard. He was in The Shadows."
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"Yes. He's all right, this fella, but he's no Jethro, is he?" "No, he's not."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"He's trying hard. He is trying hard."
0:19:18 > 0:19:21There's lots of famous people in Cockney rhyming slang now. Samantha Janus.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25She's Cockney rhyming slang. She is, officially.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Oh, good, you got that one.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30She's changed it now. She sometimes says, "Samantha Jan-us."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33You can't change your surname cos it sounds like something rude!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Ask my mate, Billy Hucked-Her-Up-The-Arsehole.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38He's not been able to change his name,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41just cos Billy rhymes with Willy. What are the rules?!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45It's a rip-off, living in London.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49I rung up for some car insurance the other day. I said, "How much would it be to insure my car?"
0:19:49 > 0:19:53This bloke said, "Do you park it in the street?"
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I said, "Yeah, I'm having problems squeezing it into the spare room."
0:19:58 > 0:20:03He said, "As opposed to a garage?" I said, "Yes, I park it in the street."
0:20:03 > 0:20:06He said, "Is it a well-lit street?" I said, "No, it's a dark street."
0:20:06 > 0:20:10He said, "Oh, dear. Have you got any security on it? Any car alarms?"
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I said, "Nothing." He said, "What area in London do you live in?"
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So I told him my address and he came round and nicked it.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Rip-off!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21You go to the mechanics... Do this one. I love this.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23It's my favourite practical joke.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27I did this last week. I said, "There's something wrong with my car. It keeps going..."
0:20:27 > 0:20:30WHIRRING
0:20:30 > 0:20:34He said, "That's your clutch." I said, "No, it's not the clutch. It keeps going..."
0:20:34 > 0:20:36WHIRRING
0:20:36 > 0:20:40He said, "Yeah, hat's your clutch." I said, "No, it's not. It keeps going..."
0:20:40 > 0:20:42WHIRRING
0:20:42 > 0:20:46He said, "It's your clutch! I said, "Will you stop interrupting me?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47"I've got a stutter."
0:20:47 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:54"It keeps going...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56WHIRRING
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"..really slowly up hills!"
0:20:59 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:04 > 0:21:07He said, "Yeah, that's your clutch."
0:21:07 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I hate the rip-off you get in London.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You get it all over Britain now, the hard sell on the phone.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18"Do you want to switch your gas to the electric? Switch your electric..."
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I'm taking this off, can't sustain this for an hour.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22WOLF WHISTLE
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Don't patronise me.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I know it hasn't worked out.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I bought the suit, looked at myself in the shop and I thought,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33"I've got a bit of the Al Pacinos going on." I looked backstage and realised I've ended up
0:21:33 > 0:21:37looking like a very unsuccessful regional snooker player.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:43The telephone hard sell is the worst in the world.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47This is a true story. I was lying in bed the other day with a hangover.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Yeah, it's awful when your cock's so big it won't stay in the bed.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I'm glad I didn't say a stinking hangover.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05And I knew straightaway this bloke was trying to sell me something with his opening line
0:22:05 > 0:22:09cos he said, "Hello, sir. How are you today?"
0:22:11 > 0:22:12I said, "No, thank you."
0:22:12 > 0:22:17He genuinely got the hump and said, "No, thank you what?"
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I said, "Sorry. No, thank you, please."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27He said, "I'm phoning from EDF." I said, "I'm not interested."
0:22:27 > 0:22:31He said, "I haven't told you what it is yet." I said, "I know why you're ringing.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"To offer me a free season ticket to Wembley, plus unlimited access
0:22:34 > 0:22:39"to dirty Brenda's all-night knocking shop with as many chocolate hobnobs as I can eat."
0:22:39 > 0:22:44He said, "No, I'm not. I'm ringing to talk about your domestic fuel bills."
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I said, "Well, why didn't you say that in the first place?!
0:22:48 > 0:22:49"Keep talking, son."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54He said, "Well, sir..."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56cos he didn't get the sarcasm.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02He said, "How would you feel about paying less for your gas?"
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I said, "Honestly?" He said, "Yes."
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I said, "I reckon, I'd feel exactly the same
0:23:10 > 0:23:13"but I'd be paying less for my gas."
0:23:21 > 0:23:23He said, "Can I ask, who's your current supplier?"
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I said, "It's Gypsy Dave, he comes round on a moped every Thursday."
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I said, "Sorry! I thought you meant electricity."
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I said, "It's British Gas." He said, "Can I ask why you chose them, sir?"
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I said, "Well, it's a funny story.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"I needed some gas and I live in Britain, and I don't know
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"what it was but they seemed to be ticking all the right boxes."
0:23:44 > 0:23:47At this point, he genuinely got the hump.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51He said, "I'll phone someone else who'll answer my questions less sarcastically."
0:23:51 > 0:23:55"You can. They'll be less sarcastic. They'll probably stay on the phone longer,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"but they'll end up saying no anyway.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59"I don't know who's providing your current rejection
0:23:59 > 0:24:02"but if you switch to me, I would combine the sarcasm
0:24:02 > 0:24:05"with the rejection and save you 15% a year on your cold-calling time."
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Do you know what he did then? He tried to offer me Nectar points!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Let me tell you something about Nectar points.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I spent the last two years collecting Nectar points.
0:24:14 > 0:24:20Do you know how many I've got? Enough for a tiny little jar of honey!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I'd be better off collecting nectar!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I'm glad you laughed at that joke
0:24:25 > 0:24:30because I did it in Ireland a month ago and it got fuck all.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32We did Dublin for two nights. I did the same joke.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Get off stage, a bloke went, "You know that joke about the Nectar points and the honey?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"I know why it didn't get a laugh." I went, "Why?"
0:24:38 > 0:24:41He went, "They don't have Nectar points in Ireland."
0:24:41 > 0:24:44What are you telling me now for after the gig?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Wipe that smirk off your face!
0:24:48 > 0:24:52He said, "Don't worry. Tomorrow night, say Tesco points."
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I don't know what's worse. The fact he suggested that
0:25:01 > 0:25:04or the fact that half of you are now staring at me going,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"Well, what happened? Did it work?"
0:25:06 > 0:25:10"Did it work the next night? What about Asda points?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14"They've all got an Asda. Come on, mate, stay with it. Go on. "Don't leave us hanging."
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Cos that's how they speak in London.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Sorry for locking you in the box, by the way, lads. Sorry about that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:28- What's your name, mate?- Nathan. - Nafan? N-A-F-A-N, yeah?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And, er...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- How old are you, Nafan?- 12.- 12.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Wow. Did you have a nice Easter? Was it under the plant pot?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39It's always under the plant pot, isn't it!
0:25:39 > 0:25:40And, um...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Do you, er... Do you like music?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- What kind of music are you into? - Rock.- Rock. I like rock.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I like U2, they're my favourite rock band.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52There was a documentary the other day about U2.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Does anybody know the real name of Bono, the lead singer?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57It's not his real name, obviously.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Does anyone know what Bono's real name is?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- Wanker!- Calm it down, Tourette's man, I'll be with you in a minute.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05You see that documentary about Tourette's?
0:26:05 > 0:26:10How funny was that? They've given him a dog now!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13How's that possibly going to help, does he blame the dog?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"Fuck off! Not me, Charlie.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"Cheeky Charlie, talking to the nice lady like that. Shit-flaps!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22"Come on, sit down. No sausages!"
0:26:22 > 0:26:27They put him next to the busiest dual carriageway
0:26:27 > 0:26:30with a dog, and he's got Tourette's.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34"It was awful, he just stood there the whole time going, "Come on! Wait.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"Come on! Wait. Come on! Wait."
0:26:37 > 0:26:40The dog's going, "I hate being your dog!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"Giving me fucking Tourette's."
0:26:44 > 0:26:50So, yes, the real name of the... The lead singer was Paul what?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Paul Hewson.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Paul Hewson, right. It's not a joke.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I just want to make sure that turd in a box goes to the right address,
0:26:58 > 0:26:59cos I'm not a fan.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I like The Edge, or as he's known in France, L'Edge.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05At least they've learnt their number one lesson -
0:27:05 > 0:27:09never sing in your own accent. That would just sound awful, wouldn't it?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12The only part of the world that hasn't learnt this is Manchester.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15They insist on northernering it up, like Elbow.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18(NORTHERN ACCENT) # Blinking in the morning sun... #
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Look at me, I'm a fucking northerner.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23# I'm blinking in the morning sun
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# I'm blinking in the morning sun. #
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Oasis were the worst, of course.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# In the sunshiiiiiiine! #
0:27:37 > 0:27:39That bloke was constipated with Manchesterness.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42That's why he had to leave. He did a massive poo and it was all over.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47# In the sun... # Bwwwrrpt! "Oh, I say, that feels a lot better, Noel.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48"I'm off. Toodle-pip."
0:27:50 > 0:27:5110CC - they were from Manchester.
0:27:51 > 0:27:5410CC didn't sing in a northern accent, did they?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Then again, you can't sing that classic song I'm Not in Love
0:27:56 > 0:27:58with a northern accent.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02(NORTHERN ACCENT) "I'm not in, love! I'm not in, love!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05"Brian! I'm not in, love!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"I'm in the shed."
0:28:07 > 0:28:12"What are you doing in there?" "It's just a silly phase I'm going through."
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Talking of music, I've been hobnobbing with the stars.
0:28:19 > 0:28:24When I say hobnobbing with the stars, I don't mean eating chocolate biscuits with Kerry Katona.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27That's a battle you're never going to win.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31It was a few years ago.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34It was, actually, true story, the last one-night stand I had
0:28:34 > 0:28:36before I met my current wife,
0:28:36 > 0:28:40or as I should probably start calling her, wife.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44It's a true story. I had a one-night stand with a very famous pop star.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47I don't mind telling you who it was. It was with the pop star, Pink.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49True story.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51It is!
0:28:51 > 0:28:53It IS!
0:28:55 > 0:28:57The weird thing was I didn't even fancy her,
0:28:57 > 0:29:01but I'm a massive fan of snooker and six points is six points, isn't it?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03I was going through a weird phase that year -
0:29:03 > 0:29:06trying to sleep with everyone represented on the snooker table.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09I slept with Sarah Greene, Sarah Brown, the boy band Blue.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11I even changed my sexuality to achieve my targets.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15You think that's odd? I shagged Cilla Black!
0:29:15 > 0:29:19You know what they say - once you've had black, you never go back.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22I couldn't think of anything for yellow
0:29:22 > 0:29:25so I just had a wank while watching The Simpsons.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28The only downside is in-between every colour
0:29:28 > 0:29:31I had to sleep with Mick Hucknall from Simply Red.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33But it's a very sad time for music.
0:29:33 > 0:29:40A very sad time because of the death of Michael Jackson and, er...
0:29:40 > 0:29:41SOME LAUGHTER
0:29:43 > 0:29:46You get these comedians, don't you, who do these cheap
0:29:46 > 0:29:48and pathetic jokes about Michael
0:29:48 > 0:29:52but you won't be getting that from me, ladies and gentlemen, because...
0:29:55 > 0:30:00..because Michael was a... because Michael was a mentor...
0:30:00 > 0:30:04- HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER - Fuck off, it's the serious bit!
0:30:04 > 0:30:05Sorry.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- Michael was a... - LAUGHTER
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Get out and show some respect. In fact, do both.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Get out the whole way like this, all the way to the door.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18You're talking about the man I love!
0:30:18 > 0:30:22The things that were said about Michael - the lies, the untruths. Makes me sick.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26I was reading today on the internet, right, on his wikipaedophile page... Wikipedia!
0:30:26 > 0:30:29..the lies, the things people say about him.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33"He was on drugs." Oh, he was on drugs, was he?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36You're talking about a man who didn't even have sugar in his coffee.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40Do you know why? Because he was sweet enough.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Didn't even have milk in his coffee.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Do you know what amazed me about Michael Jackson's death?
0:30:49 > 0:30:53This country must hold the world record for the shortest bereavement
0:30:53 > 0:30:54a country has ever had. I timed it.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58From the announcement of the death to the first joke text.
0:30:58 > 0:31:0222 seconds! "I heard he had a stroke in the children's ward."
0:31:02 > 0:31:04What is it about technology
0:31:04 > 0:31:07that turns you into the sickest f... in the world?
0:31:07 > 0:31:11Will somebody tell me when it became socially acceptable to send
0:31:11 > 0:31:16pictures of dwarves fucking ponies to everybody else in the office?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18When did that become normal?
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Yes, it's on a computer but it's still a photograph, you freaks!
0:31:21 > 0:31:23We couldn't do that before computers.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25"What have you brought into the office?"
0:31:25 > 0:31:29"I brought a photograph, boss." "Do show us, it'll be such fun."
0:31:29 > 0:31:31"What's that, you weirdo?
0:31:31 > 0:31:35I hate computers. It's all the little terminology that they use.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37The little terminology.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I rung up for some help the other day on my website.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42I said, "I can't get into my website."
0:31:42 > 0:31:45This bloke said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"
0:31:52 > 0:31:55I said, "I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man."
0:31:57 > 0:32:00It's a nice spotty dress you've got on there, madam.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03It's very spotty, isn't it? I'm not looking at your tits.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07- I'm trying to find out if I'm colour blind. What's your name, madam? - Liz.- Liz.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11Know what I'm thinking of being? A quiz show host. Think I could make it?
0:32:11 > 0:32:16Are you feeling lucky, Liz? Cross your fingers. Are you superstitious?
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Superstition. Like my sister. When we were kids, she was so superstitious
0:32:20 > 0:32:22she wouldn't even have 13 as her unlucky number
0:32:22 > 0:32:25because she said it would crop up too much in life.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28She decided that her unlucky number was going to be 737.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30She died in a plane crash.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36This is the rules, Liz. I'll give you the names of three famous people.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40I want you to tell me where they were born. The clue is in the name of the person.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42The clue's in the name of the person and you tell me
0:32:42 > 0:32:45where they were born. Here we go.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46It's football.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50Looking for the name of the country - the footballer, Stephen Ireland.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Where was he born? Stephen Ireland.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56- We're looking for the name of a country. Where was he born? - Ireland!- Ireland!
0:32:56 > 0:32:58She's got the first one right, let's hear it for Liz.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00You can do this, Liz.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04The second one is the poet, John Welsh? John Welsh.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Where was he born? What country?
0:33:06 > 0:33:12- Wales!- Wales! That's two, come on! You can do this, here we go.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15For tonight's star prize. OK.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19No shouting out, you can ask the people around you. Here we go.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22The name of an island. We're looking for the name of an island.
0:33:22 > 0:33:27It's the soul singer, Barry White.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Where was he born? The soul singer. It's the name of an island.
0:33:30 > 0:33:36Barry White. Barry White, where was he born?
0:33:36 > 0:33:42- The Isle of Wight?- The Isle of Wight! She's got... No, she's got it wrong.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Barry Island.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46You were that close, weren't you?
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Don't worry, I'll give you another chance.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53We played the porn star name game on the tour.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55The best porn star name gets a prize.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59You know the porn star name game - it's your first pet and mother's maiden name.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02You play those rules? Yes, you do. What was your first pet, Liz?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05This could be your moment. What was your first pet?
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- This could be comedy gold. What was your first pet?- A dog.- A dog. Not...
0:34:08 > 0:34:11The name of the pet!
0:34:11 > 0:34:15First you didn't hear the Isle of Wight and now you can't...
0:34:15 > 0:34:18That's not going to work as a porn star name, is it?
0:34:18 > 0:34:21"Hey, baby, what's your name?" "A dog!"
0:34:21 > 0:34:25- "A dog!" What was the name of the dog?- Harry.- Harry, perfect.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Harry! You've had the last five minutes to think.
0:34:28 > 0:34:33You could have said Fluffy or Trixie or Pussy, no, no, no. What do we get?
0:34:33 > 0:34:34"Harry. Deal with that."
0:34:36 > 0:34:39I hope to God your mother's maiden name is Fuck-flaps,
0:34:39 > 0:34:41otherwise this is going nowhere.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48I don't know why I bother playing the porn star name game.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Honest to God, I said to my wife recently,
0:34:50 > 0:34:54"What's your porn star name?" My wife said, "Anal Ventures."
0:34:54 > 0:34:58I said, "Love, your first pet was not called Anal.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00"Your mother's maiden name is not Ventures.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02"Play the game."
0:35:02 > 0:35:03She said, "What game?"
0:35:13 > 0:35:17I was lying in bed, right, with my wife, the other day, and...
0:35:19 > 0:35:23..we were talking about... sexual fantasies.
0:35:27 > 0:35:34And I said...that during sex, I'd always quite liked the idea of...
0:35:38 > 0:35:44..you know... turning into Leonard Rossiter.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48"Have you... Have you..."
0:35:49 > 0:35:50"Have you..."
0:35:51 > 0:35:53"Have you..."
0:35:54 > 0:35:57"Have you... Have you..."
0:35:57 > 0:35:59"Do you ev... C...can I..."
0:36:01 > 0:36:03"Can I stick it up your Miss Jones?"
0:36:04 > 0:36:09And... I said I'd... I'd always quite liked the idea of...
0:36:09 > 0:36:13you know, getting someone else involved.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17And she said, "No chance! You can carry on doing it on your own."
0:36:19 > 0:36:23That's the problem after a while, it's the romance that goes, isn't it?
0:36:23 > 0:36:25You do your best, but it goes.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27It always backfires when I do my best.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29I said, "What do you mean, more romantic?" She went,
0:36:29 > 0:36:32"Surprise me, come home with wine, a DVD, write secret notes."
0:36:32 > 0:36:36The next night, I came back with a bottle of Blue Nun and a porno film
0:36:36 > 0:36:39and I wrote a note on the door saying, "Do not disturb," right?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Still nothing. So I made the effort.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44I thought, "I'll be romantic, I'll take her away."
0:36:44 > 0:36:47I'd been saying it for ages, I finally did something about it.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50Actions speak louder than words. Not always, obviously.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Not if you want to say, "Look out for that truck!"
0:36:53 > 0:36:54Use words, obviously.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56The last thing you want to see just before you die
0:36:56 > 0:36:58is a man playing charades.
0:36:58 > 0:36:59"Five words, first word..."
0:37:01 > 0:37:03"Oh, you bastard."
0:37:03 > 0:37:06There's loads of phrases I've never understood.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08"One swallow does not make a summer."
0:37:08 > 0:37:10It's a bloody nice start, though, be honest.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14So, I take her to Westwood Ho!, right?
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Westward Ho!, famous for being the only place name in Britain
0:37:17 > 0:37:18with a punctuation mark at the end.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Apart from Newcastle, it's got a question mark.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23I take her to Westwood Ho! We're on the beach.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Do you ever do that thing where you have a debate
0:37:26 > 0:37:29and it turns out to be a big row? A nice friendly debate, a big row.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31I thought I'd made a good point.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34We're walking along the beach and I said, "Interesting, isn't it?
0:37:34 > 0:37:39"That if a woman walks down the beach and she was wearing bra and knickers,
0:37:39 > 0:37:41"people would think she's mental.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45"They'd probably shout stuff out at her, give her abuse.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48"And yet, if a woman walks down the beach in a bikini,
0:37:48 > 0:37:50"no-one says anything.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55"And if you think about it, a bikini is effectively bra and knickers.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58"So with that theory, you should be able to walk down the beach
0:37:58 > 0:38:02"in bra and knickers, and have no-one say anything."
0:38:02 > 0:38:07And she said, "I don't care! Take them off!"
0:38:16 > 0:38:19She's got a point about the romance thing.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21It's very hard to show your romance as a bloke.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Very hard to show any emotions at all, to be honest.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26I've got this theory - women, when they have Botox,
0:38:26 > 0:38:28they can't show any emotions or expressions.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32Blokes should have the complete opposite and have a permanent emotion
0:38:32 > 0:38:34etched onto their face for life.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37You could have any one you want, but you're stuck with it forever.
0:38:37 > 0:38:38I'd have confusion.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42I like the idea of spending me whole life walking around like this.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51"You all right, Lee?"
0:38:51 > 0:38:55"Yeah, I'm fine, why does everyone keeps asking me that?"
0:38:55 > 0:38:58You and your mates could have different emotions
0:38:58 > 0:39:00and have every situation covered.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03"Really? Five quid for a pint of lager, you must be joking.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04"Steve, get over here."
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Talking of facelifts and Botox,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17I'll tell you who gets a lot of criticism for that - Anne Robinson.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Let me tell you - she's a close showbiz friend of mine -
0:39:20 > 0:39:22she's never had Botox or a facelift.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25People don't realise that she's got a massive bulldog clip
0:39:25 > 0:39:28on the back of her head, and if you take that bulldog clip off,
0:39:28 > 0:39:30it turns out she's Harry Redknapp.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31That's fact!
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Sweating like a pig. We all right over there?
0:39:41 > 0:39:43I forgot about this whole section.
0:39:43 > 0:39:44What's your name, madam?
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Sam? You all right, Sam? Is this your other half next to you?
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Yes. Have you got kids? Three kids, isn't that lovely?
0:39:53 > 0:39:56I'll be honest, right, I always wanted three kids,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58but now we've got two, I only want one.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03It's not easy, having that second kid, is it?
0:40:03 > 0:40:05We've had to get a live-in nanny,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07because that dead one wasn't working out.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14What are your kids called? Ellis? Nice name.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17Erin? There's a theme here, isn't there? "And elephant!"
0:40:17 > 0:40:18He's the ugliest one.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22And what's the third one?
0:40:22 > 0:40:23Na-than.
0:40:23 > 0:40:28"Na-than. Na-than." Yeah? Are they good kids?
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Very good.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31That's good, you've got to have good kids.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33My kids are completely different.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36One's audacious, sprightly, over-zealous, effusive.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39The other one, we went for a more traditional name, John.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43"Audacious-Sprightly-Over-zealous- Effusive not going to be happy
0:40:43 > 0:40:44growing up with that name, is he?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46But John, she's going to be livid!
0:40:48 > 0:40:52It's hard, having kids. You've always got to do the right thing.
0:40:52 > 0:40:53It's so difficult.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56The other day, my five-year-old, he was crying his eyes out.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00I walked in, I said, "Are you all right?" He went, "No, I'm scared."
0:41:00 > 0:41:02I said, "What are you scared of?"
0:41:02 > 0:41:06How heartbreaking is this? "I'm scared of a third world war."
0:41:06 > 0:41:07(AUDIENCE) Aw-w!
0:41:07 > 0:41:11I know. I picked that little fella up and I held him tightly.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14I said, "Son, you don't have to be scared of that,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17"I've seen Comic Relief and I reckon if it all does kick off,
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"I don't think the Third World are up for it."
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Don't get me wrong, I do my bit for charity.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30My attitude to charity has always been,
0:41:30 > 0:41:33"You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day,
0:41:33 > 0:41:37"but you teach a man to fish, you saved yourself a fish, haven't you?"
0:41:39 > 0:41:40Old northern proverb.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45We always get the blame. Parents have always got the blame.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49It doesn't matter who they are. When Paris Hilton first hit the headlines
0:41:49 > 0:41:51my mate said, "I blame the parents." I thought,
0:41:51 > 0:41:54"There's so much you can teach a child, then they're on their own."
0:41:54 > 0:41:56You're tucking your daughter up in bed,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59"There you go, lots of love, nightie night.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01"Don't forget everything I've taught you in life.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04"Always say your prayers before bedtime,
0:42:04 > 0:42:06"always eat your vegetables and don't forget,
0:42:06 > 0:42:08"always play out nicely with your friends.
0:42:08 > 0:42:13"All right, darling? Nightie night. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16"Nightie night. Go to sleep now.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18"(Go to sleep. Go to sleep.)"
0:42:20 > 0:42:22"Oh... one other thing...
0:42:23 > 0:42:24"When you grow up,
0:42:24 > 0:42:27"don't fuck someone, film it and put it on the internet.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30"That's it, blow the lightie out."
0:42:30 > 0:42:33We don't do the prayers thing. We're not a religious family.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36We not anti-religious, we just haven't made our minds up yet.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38The text of the Bible is a bit confusing and old-fashioned,
0:42:38 > 0:42:41because people don't speak like that any more, do they?
0:42:41 > 0:42:44Like the Noah story. It rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48People don't speak like that any more. You don't have to say both, or split them up.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52Why don't they say, "It rained for 40 days"? We don't need the full sentence.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55People don't talk like that. On a Friday, you don't say to your mates,
0:42:55 > 0:42:57"I'll see you in a few days, and a few nights.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00What? "Nothing!" You don't have to separate them. We'll understand.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03If I said to you lot, "I haven't slept for 40 days,"
0:43:03 > 0:43:05you'd rush me to hospital. If on the way, I said,
0:43:05 > 0:43:09"Obviously, I've been sleeping at night," you'd beat the shit out of me.
0:43:13 > 0:43:17You've got to give them a good education, the kids, haven't you?
0:43:17 > 0:43:20- Got any students in tonight? - CHEERING - Up the top, with your hands up -
0:43:20 > 0:43:22What's your name, madam?
0:43:22 > 0:43:26Are you the northern lady? Panicking because there's someone educated in the building.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29"Student, run, she'll try and talk to me!"
0:43:29 > 0:43:31God bless you for running like that.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35Everywhere else in the world, people walk out of theatres like this.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39One northern woman in the front, "I'm off!
0:43:43 > 0:43:46"I'm from up north and I don't give a fuck!"
0:43:50 > 0:43:55- What's your name up there?- Ian. - What are you studying?- Catering. - Catering?
0:43:55 > 0:43:58- Patisserie.- Patisserie?
0:43:58 > 0:44:01Oh, you're back, are you, madam? Just on time, we're talking about pies.
0:44:01 > 0:44:07She's northern! I meant pies, Northern, she's from Wigan!
0:44:07 > 0:44:10- No, I'm not.- Where are you from? - St Helens.- St Helens?
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Ever meet anyone that's so Lancastrian like you,
0:44:12 > 0:44:14it's like you're not playing at the right speed?
0:44:14 > 0:44:19- HE SPEAKS SLOWLY - "Do you mind, I'm from St Helens, not Wigan!"
0:44:19 > 0:44:22You're supposed to be on 45, you're playing it on 33.
0:44:23 > 0:44:27Play it properly, and just going to toilet.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30I'm from up north, and I don't give a fuck!
0:44:31 > 0:44:35Oh, did someone say pies? Oh, fuck that.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39Hey, did someone say pies?
0:44:39 > 0:44:43Can you put it on 45? I'm playing at the wrong speed, Gromit.
0:44:46 > 0:44:50Good that you're educating yourself, Ian, well done. That's brilliant.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54You want to do something with your life and to educating yourself, and I commend you for that.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58Do you know where I studied, Ian? The University of Life!
0:44:58 > 0:45:01Know what I learnt there, mate? I learnt about pain and sorrow!
0:45:01 > 0:45:04I learnt how to survive off 10 quid a week or you go hungry.
0:45:04 > 0:45:08I learnt how to fiddle the gas meter otherwise you go cold in winter.
0:45:08 > 0:45:12I learnt misery and pain! I learnt if someone puts a knife to your throat at two in the morning,
0:45:12 > 0:45:15how you survive that situation. I learnt misery and pain
0:45:15 > 0:45:18and sorrow! Sorry, it wasn't the University of Life,
0:45:18 > 0:45:21it was the University of Fife, sorry.
0:45:24 > 0:45:28It's good you're learning. Most kids don't want to know anything.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30Kids don't want education any more.
0:45:30 > 0:45:31They don't want to go anywhere.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34All they want to do is sit in front of their computers.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36When we were kids, it was different.
0:45:36 > 0:45:40We used to have energetic games, didn't we? Wasn't it brilliant?
0:45:40 > 0:45:43Who here used to play Knock Down Ginger? It was great, wasn't it?
0:45:43 > 0:45:46Driving round, looking for the ginger kid.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49There's a whole family of them, Steve. Get on the pavement.
0:45:50 > 0:45:55I'm allowed to do jokes like that, by the way, because my wife's ginger.
0:45:55 > 0:45:59Before you ask, she's ginger upstairs and downstairs.
0:45:59 > 0:46:02It doesn't matter what room she goes in, she's fucking ginger.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04She can't shake it off. It's like a curse.
0:46:32 > 0:46:33Right, get back out again!
0:46:33 > 0:46:36- What's your name, mate?- Pete.
0:46:36 > 0:46:40- Pete? What do you do, Pete? - Builder.- Builder.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Speed should have told me that.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:46:47 > 0:46:50Sorry about this. Traffic, love. Not my fault.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53It was the traffic, love. Not my fault.
0:46:55 > 0:46:58It's different when we were kids, wasn't it? Simple games.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00Energetic games.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Musical statues. Yeah?
0:47:02 > 0:47:06Dressing up games. If we were really lucky, Dad would combine both.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09He'd dress me up as a little girl, put some callipers on my legs,
0:47:09 > 0:47:14give me a money box and see how still I could stand outside the newsagent's.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16My brother was down the road,
0:47:16 > 0:47:20dressed as a Labrador with a hole in his head. Simple, happy times!
0:47:22 > 0:47:24You've got to watch kids TV with the kids, right?
0:47:24 > 0:47:28They don't watch what I want to watch. I don't watch University Challenge any more.
0:47:28 > 0:47:30I've given up with it.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34Is it me or are the questions getting harder and harder with every series?
0:47:34 > 0:47:36It's got to the point now, honestly,
0:47:36 > 0:47:39where I give myself a point if I understand what the question means.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41I swear to God this is true.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45I once shouted out, Henry VIII, and the answer was nitrogen.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47How is that possible?
0:47:47 > 0:47:50You've got to watch kids' adverts with the kids.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53Kids' adverts are mental. Cereal adverts.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56They break all the other rules of traditional advertising.
0:47:56 > 0:48:00What other product would say the following sentence as if it was a positive?
0:48:00 > 0:48:03"It even turns your milk brown."
0:48:03 > 0:48:07Ooh, thank fuckety-do for that. That white stuff's been doing my head in.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11You don't get that with other products, do you? Benson & Hedges.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14Even turns your fingers yellow.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18Stella Artois, even turns your wife black and blue.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22I hate the hard sell. The worst one's that barman.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25He does the drink and work campaign - he does the monologue.
0:48:25 > 0:48:30He does different characters and shows that bloke the problems he'll have if he has that extra pint.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33You know the advert, the bloke stands there and goes, "What can I get you?"
0:48:33 > 0:48:36"Step out of the vehicle and blow into the bag."
0:48:36 > 0:48:39"I'm sorry, son, it's company policy. I've got to let you go."
0:48:39 > 0:48:43"There's only 20,000 miles on the clock but it's my final offer."
0:48:43 > 0:48:47"No licence, no job, no holidays, no home, no car, no running,
0:48:47 > 0:48:52"no jumping, no diving, no heavy petting. Noel Edmonds. Noel Gallagher. What are we going to do?"
0:48:52 > 0:48:57"What can I get you?" "I only wanted a fucking packet of pork scratchings!"
0:49:02 > 0:49:07If you want to watch proper mental television though, watch CBeebies.
0:49:07 > 0:49:11My kids are obsessed with CBeebies. There's one woman on CBeebies they absolutely love.
0:49:11 > 0:49:15Right? It's the women with half an arm. Do you know this woman?
0:49:15 > 0:49:19She's brilliant, this woman. My kids love her, right. She's the best...
0:49:19 > 0:49:24Honest to God, people complained about this woman. People of this country complained that that women
0:49:24 > 0:49:29shouldn't be allowed on television because it's scaring the kids. How wrong was that?!
0:49:29 > 0:49:34For those that don't know the story, this woman's got half her arm missing from the elbow down, right?
0:49:34 > 0:49:37I didn't need to say the second half of that sentence!
0:49:37 > 0:49:39She's got half her arm missing, right?
0:49:39 > 0:49:42You knew which half, didn't you? Even the builder knew! You knew.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45It was the other half, didn't you?
0:49:45 > 0:49:47In fact, it would be fair to say, if it was the other half,
0:49:47 > 0:49:51it's probably fair that people are ringing in complaining it's scaring the kids.
0:49:51 > 0:49:55Hello, boys and girls, what's in my box today? Let's have a look.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57It's only my other half a fucking arm.
0:50:00 > 0:50:03Oh, Mummy, Mummy, she's doing it again!
0:50:03 > 0:50:08People complain, saying she shouldn't be allowed on television. How wrong is that?
0:50:08 > 0:50:13Politically and morally incorrect. She is genuinely the best presenter on CBeebies.
0:50:13 > 0:50:17My kids love her. Most importantly, if we get rid of her,
0:50:17 > 0:50:23I miss out on my favourite game of the day - making up stories to my kids about how she lost that arm.
0:50:23 > 0:50:27I won't go into detail but let's just say the little one has stopped picking his nose.
0:50:31 > 0:50:35I'll tell you what else we've started doing - me and my wife - this weird thing.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Nobody likes rowing in front of kids. It's wrong to row in front of little ones.
0:50:38 > 0:50:44Me and my wife, for some bizarre reason, have started singing the row.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48This started about a year ago, right? We were on a train going to EuroDisney with the two kids.
0:50:48 > 0:50:52Suddenly, we broke down and didn't move for two-and-a-half hours.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55It was stifling hot. Suddenly my wife turned round to me and went,
0:50:55 > 0:50:58# "Told you we should have got the plane."
0:51:01 > 0:51:06# I said, "Oh no you don't." You said "Get the train." I said, "Get the plane."
0:51:06 > 0:51:09# "No, no, no. You're doing it again, you see.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11# "You can't fucking remember..."
0:51:11 > 0:51:15# "Don't fucking start swearing at me, you know it fucking winds me up."
0:51:15 > 0:51:16# "But now you're fucking..."
0:51:16 > 0:51:19# "Don't fucking tell me what the fucking..." #
0:51:19 > 0:51:22It's like a musical version of Tourette's in our house half the time.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25# "You said get the train" "Don't tell me what I fucking..."
0:51:25 > 0:51:28# "What you fucking do is raise your fucking voice to me..."
0:51:28 > 0:51:30# "You said, "Get the train."
0:51:30 > 0:51:33# "I didn't fucking say get the fucking train. You're just like your mum!
0:51:33 > 0:51:36# "Don't bring my fucking mum into fucking this!" #
0:51:36 > 0:51:39We think the kids can't notice.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42We look in the aisle. They've got top hats and canes and they're going...
0:51:42 > 0:51:46- # Dad's such a- BLEEP! - He's such a fucking- BLEEP!- #
0:51:53 > 0:51:56Thanks for coming out and listening to my new jokes. New tour.
0:51:56 > 0:52:00One joke - my favourite joke - hasn't been working on the tour.
0:52:00 > 0:52:05I thought, they're wrong, I'm right. OK. I think it's a brilliant joke. No pressure then, Lee.
0:52:05 > 0:52:09I've always wanted to kidnap the ex-professional tennis player, Pat Cash.
0:52:09 > 0:52:14Just so, that after his family pay the ransom, I can ring them up and say, "Do you want cashback?"
0:52:14 > 0:52:18I knew that was all right. It's all right, isn't it? Yes.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24So, have you got any questions?
0:52:24 > 0:52:26Sorry, what was that?
0:52:26 > 0:52:29- LONDON ACCENT: What makes you laugh? - What makes me laugh?
0:52:29 > 0:52:33Someone who sounds like she's working on a fruit and veg stall in the East End.
0:52:33 > 0:52:35Know what I mean, love? Know what I mean?
0:52:35 > 0:52:38I love it when someone's got that Cockney accent.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41The more friendly they get, the more threatening it sounds.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45- HE SPEAKS SOFTLY:- "Hello, Lee, how you doing? You all right? Nice to see you.
0:52:45 > 0:52:47"How's your mum, is she all right?
0:52:47 > 0:52:50"Good. It's all you need, isn't it? Your mum, yes, and your health.
0:52:50 > 0:52:53"How's your health? Your health for her.
0:52:53 > 0:52:56"That's all you need, your mum and your health and your legs.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00"How's your legs? You got legs? Yeah.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03"Do you want to keep your fucking legs? Do you want to keep your legs?
0:53:03 > 0:53:05"How are you, Lee? Are you all right?
0:53:05 > 0:53:07"Yeah, anyway, I've got to go now.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10"I've got to build the wall. See you later."
0:53:18 > 0:53:20Questions from the top. Quiet, please.
0:53:20 > 0:53:24- I'm a bit disappointed...- You're a bit disappointed because of what?
0:53:24 > 0:53:26You haven't spoken about your dead nan.
0:53:26 > 0:53:30I haven't spoken about my dead nan. You're disappointed.
0:53:31 > 0:53:34You sound like a really classy girl.
0:53:34 > 0:53:36What a great Scouse accent as well!
0:53:36 > 0:53:40I love it when someone's so Scouse, they sound like they're turning into a dolphin.
0:53:40 > 0:53:42Proper Scousers. Fucking hell!
0:53:42 > 0:53:45"Hey, you, are you Lee Mackkkkk?
0:53:45 > 0:53:48"Are you Lee Mackkkk-kkkkkk?
0:53:48 > 0:53:53"Are you fuckkkkkk? Are you fucking Lee Mackkkkk?
0:53:53 > 0:53:57- "Hey, lookkkkk!" - HE MIMICS A DOLPHIN
0:53:57 > 0:54:01"Are you kkkkkk? Are you kkkk? Are you fuckkkkkkk...?
0:54:01 > 0:54:04- "Kkkkk." - MIMICS DOLPHIN
0:54:04 > 0:54:07"Fucking Lee Mack kkkk.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10"Kkkk."
0:54:13 > 0:54:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:21 > 0:54:25- Knock, knock.- Who's there? - Me dead nan. Right, now shut up!
0:54:30 > 0:54:34- Can I have your shoe? - Can you have my shoes?
0:54:34 > 0:54:36What a very honest poor heckler.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39"Can I have your shoes?"
0:54:39 > 0:54:42# Who will buy my matches? #
0:54:44 > 0:54:46"Can I have your shoes, Lee?"
0:54:46 > 0:54:48What are you doing, you weirdo?
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Don't try and steal my clothes.
0:54:50 > 0:54:52What are you doing?
0:54:52 > 0:54:54You were going to steal my jacket?
0:54:54 > 0:54:57You are the worst criminal I've ever seen in the world.
0:54:57 > 0:55:01You're on the front row of an event that's being filmed for television.
0:55:01 > 0:55:05How less a chance could you get away with that than that?
0:55:13 > 0:55:15Any questions from the back?
0:55:15 > 0:55:16What?
0:55:16 > 0:55:21- Genocide.- I'm getting the last word, which is genocide. Is everyone getting genocide?
0:55:21 > 0:55:25Are we all getting genocide? All I'm hearing is, "BER BER AWIGHT, genocide."
0:55:25 > 0:55:27I don't have the rest of the question
0:55:27 > 0:55:31but I'm guessing it isn't actually comedy gold. Let's go for it anyway.
0:55:31 > 0:55:35- Genocide. What about genocide?- Is it funny?
0:55:35 > 0:55:38Is it funny, genocide? I laugh my tits off at genocide.
0:55:38 > 0:55:42What's there not to laugh about, about genocide?
0:55:42 > 0:55:45How many can you kill before it stops becoming funny?
0:55:45 > 0:55:48I think is what I'm saying. When I said any questions,
0:55:48 > 0:55:51I'm genuinely scared of getting back to my hotel room tonight.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53It's like this is never going to end, isn't it?
0:55:53 > 0:55:55"Lee, Lee!
0:55:55 > 0:55:58"It's the madwoman. I am hanging on to your window ledge.
0:55:58 > 0:56:00"Can I have that jacket? Can I?"
0:56:00 > 0:56:03"I want his shoes. Can I have your shoes?
0:56:03 > 0:56:05"Can I have your shoes?"
0:56:05 > 0:56:09"I was here first, you bitch. I want his shoes." "I want his jacket."
0:56:09 > 0:56:13"Lee, ignore them two. Is it funny, genocide? You never answered me.
0:56:13 > 0:56:18"Is genocide funny? Is it funny, genocide?"
0:56:18 > 0:56:22I'm going, you're mental.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26Ladies and gentlemen from Hammersmith, you've been a lovely audience.
0:56:26 > 0:56:29Thank you very much for coming out.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33Thank you very much. Good night.
0:56:52 > 0:56:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd