0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Simon Amstell.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18CHEERING
0:00:18 > 0:00:21SONG: "The Inner Light"
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello. Thank you very much for coming. How are you?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Good.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44This show that you are about to see is called Numb.
0:00:44 > 0:00:50This came from a very real inability to just be in a moment
0:00:50 > 0:00:55without anxiety and going home at the end of every day of my life
0:00:55 > 0:00:58feeling quite lonely, disconnected and depressed.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02So that's the hour.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I didn't know how disconnected I had become
0:01:06 > 0:01:09until I was invited to a series of very cool parties last year,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11by some cool people.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14They took drugs, though, and I don't take drugs
0:01:14 > 0:01:17so that was a bit awkward to see happening in front of me,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20like these lines of cocaine being wrapped up on a coffee table
0:01:20 > 0:01:22and to be offered a line and not know what to say,
0:01:22 > 0:01:27so I end up saying, "Oh, no thank you, I've just eaten. You carry on."
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I wanted to be there because it meant that I was one of them
0:01:29 > 0:01:32and you can't reject the social norms. I know this
0:01:32 > 0:01:35because when I was 16 and alcohol was first introduced
0:01:35 > 0:01:38to my group of friends, I ended up saying, "This is ridiculous,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"we're children."
0:01:42 > 0:01:45And then because I couldn't cope with what was going on,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I would pretend to be asleep on a sofa, thinking,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"I can't wait till I'm 17 so I can drive away from this fun."
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And I don't drink now and I understand the reason we drink
0:01:57 > 0:01:58in this culture, it creates a fluidity,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01it means we can sort of cope with the people we love, but if you...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05if you don't have that, then you need other coping mechanisms.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07So what I have noticed is that
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I tend to say the word "fun" a lot at parties.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Well, this is fun. This is a fun party. You having fun?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I'm having fun, what a fun party. You a couple?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15How long have you been together?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17How do you get a spark alive in your relationship?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Then they feel awkward and I can relax.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26To describe the people at these parties,
0:02:26 > 0:02:30there was a guy there called Merlin and that is not the issue.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37I noticed one night he had the most incredible straight, white teeth
0:02:37 > 0:02:41and I said to him, "Gosh, Merlin,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47"you've got such perfect teeth, did you wear a brace as a child?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48No.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51That's the sort of person that was there.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58They just grew out of his gums without anxiety.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02The people there were comfortable in their bodies.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05There were men wearing vests. Do you know what I mean?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09And I, every three to four years,
0:03:09 > 0:03:14find myself buying a vest, thinking, "Maybe this time."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I hated my body when I was a teenager
0:03:19 > 0:03:22and then I got to about 25 and it suddenly became quite trendy
0:03:22 > 0:03:25to be skinny and I got a bit carried away and ended up saying at a party,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"I'm quite skinny," and a girl said, "You're not that skinny,"
0:03:28 > 0:03:29and then I was fat.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36The other issue, and this is often a problem when I meet new people,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38they somehow don't realise
0:03:38 > 0:03:40that I am funny.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45And I think if you don't know that coming in, then the things I say
0:03:45 > 0:03:49seem to be a bit odd or aggressive, and I have to say to them,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"Oh no, don't worry,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"I'm professionally funny."
0:03:55 > 0:03:56And it wouldn't be a problem
0:03:56 > 0:04:00if I was not perversely drawn to the very trendy, yet humourless.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I was in...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05East London's Shoreditch recently,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07which is where many of them are,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13and I don't want to judge these people. I want to be one of them.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I like their courage and I think they would like to experience joy.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I feel them saying, "We would like to laugh but our hair is too heavy."
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And I was drawn on this particular night to this guy wearing
0:04:28 > 0:04:32very large, round, funny, big glasses.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Really funny, crazy, oversized, big,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38round glasses and I said to him,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"Hi, they're big glasses."
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And he said, "Not really."
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Small face?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56He said, "I'm short-sighted."
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I said, "Oh, I know. Look, we're all short-sighted
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"but if you can't see how big they are...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"Maybe you need bigger glasses."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Then I was worried he thought I was being aggressive, which I wasn't.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I said, "I came over cos I like the look.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"I like what you've got going on. But you seem to be
0:05:13 > 0:05:15"wearing them without the humour they were designed with."
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I was in New York recently and I met what seemed to be
0:05:22 > 0:05:26the female equivalent of him. She is everything you are supposed to be
0:05:26 > 0:05:30if you've a girl in this culture, very thin, very pretty but also
0:05:30 > 0:05:34subtly subversive, so she's got this fringe that's slightly too short.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36She's got socks and...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42everything about her says, effortless, cool, success.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44She's got this job in design, she's got a boyfriend
0:05:44 > 0:05:47with one streak of grey in his hair, it's all very clever.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55And we meet up on a day that she's come from a flea market
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and she had purchased a vintage crate.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01She said to me,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"Don't you think it's a beautiful piece?"
0:06:04 > 0:06:07And then I didn't know what to do, because I'm not an idiot who can't
0:06:07 > 0:06:09appreciate the beauty of a crate, but...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14it didn't feel far away from her saying,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"Look, I've bought a brick."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24And all I want to do is connect with her as a human being
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and maybe it is all effortless for her. Maybe she has bought it
0:06:27 > 0:06:30for its beauty. But I know that everything I've bought
0:06:30 > 0:06:33for my flat, everything on the shelves, everything on the walls,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36so that people come round, they say, "Wow, this is a cool flat." And then
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I have to say, "I know, everything I did is so you would say that."
0:06:44 > 0:06:47There was a lot of talk of Jasper at these parties.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50You must meet Jasper Simon. You'd love beautiful Jasper.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52He's in Paris at the moment but when you meet him, oh, my God.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Jasper arrives six months later and I don't really find him
0:06:56 > 0:06:59attractive but I don't feel I should reject the idea,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02because I already said no to so much cocaine, and I want to be a guy
0:07:02 > 0:07:06who's at the party, there, one of them. I don't want to be a guy
0:07:06 > 0:07:08in the corner, secretly making notes for a show. So...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15So I find myself sat on a bed with Jasper,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18inhaling nitrous oxide from balloons.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I don't do drugs but I will if they've come in balloons.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26And I felt a little high.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It made me want to touch him, this drug,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31but rather than going with that feeling,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I stuck with my personality, which ended up saying,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"Maybe we should kiss."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39He then stands up and says,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"I might get a drink, actually,"
0:07:42 > 0:07:46leaving me, just surrounded by deflated balloons,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51thinking, I didn't even want him but he just got back from Paris.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That's not a reason to go for someone,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56otherwise I should be stood on the London terminal of the Eurostar.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Bonjour.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Oh, Brussels, continue tout droit...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I couldn't connect with the people there.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I couldn't connect with Jasper. I found out, recently,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13he now works for a magazine that comes out twice a year.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I mean, why not be really interesting,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21work for a magazine that doesn't come out?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Have you read Toot? No, no-one has, it's too cool for eyes.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33It was interesting, recently, being at my cousin's 18th birthday party.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35He somehow has these two distinctive groups of friends.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38On one side of the garden these young, healthy,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40comfortable-looking guys playing football.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44On the other side, these shy, awkward, weirdo, outsider,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47odd-balls. The sort of young people who come and see me do comedy -
0:08:47 > 0:08:48and thank you for coming.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I decide at that moment in my life I'm going to be with
0:08:53 > 0:08:56the comfortable people. I'm going to exist there, and I do.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58It's fine, but as I'm leaving I feel bad
0:08:58 > 0:09:02that I'm not talking to the other people, and this comes out of me,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"Goodbye, I used to be one of you."
0:09:11 > 0:09:14And, because I couldn't connect fully, emotionally with
0:09:14 > 0:09:20the people around me, I found myself last year going on holiday alone,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23which I've done quite a bit and it isn't a comfortable thing
0:09:23 > 0:09:26to talk about or hear, I know, when I tell people I'm going
0:09:26 > 0:09:29on holiday on my own, they kind of panic and start saying things like,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"What do you mean? What do you do? How do you do that?"
0:09:32 > 0:09:34And you have to reassure them. It's fine, you go to a museum,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36you go swimming, you sit in a restaurant, you eat a salad,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38you pretend to text. It's fine.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I often take a little notepad with me so I can pretend to be
0:09:44 > 0:09:47making some notes on something. Not really, just if anyone is looking,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Oh, is he lonely? Oh, no, he must be a travelling genius."
0:09:53 > 0:09:55But why I'm there and what I like
0:09:55 > 0:09:57about being alone in another country, anonymous,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59is that you find out who you are.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Who we tend to be are the fixed, limited perceptions
0:10:02 > 0:10:06of the people around us and if you are alone, who are you?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Who are you?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10It turns out, I...
0:10:12 > 0:10:15..am a horny sex pest.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And not a successful one.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Just somebody thinking about but not getting any sex,
0:10:25 > 0:10:29all the time, like this ridiculous addiction, like being addicted
0:10:29 > 0:10:33to heroin but, somehow, never having found anyone to give you heroin.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Oh, another whole week without any heroin.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38How will I overcome this fatal addiction?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I was in Amsterdam for about three days, thinking about sex
0:10:45 > 0:10:48the whole time that I was there, apart from, I don't know,
0:10:48 > 0:10:5040 minutes in the Anne Frank museum.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56And I was there for an hour.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03The most sexually exciting it got for me
0:11:03 > 0:11:06was being at this swimming pool that had been recommended.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I was changing into my swimming shorts
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and then a man says to me, "Oh, no, this is a nude pool."
0:11:11 > 0:11:15I do not hear nude because of his accent, I hear "new",
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and think that must be just some weird judgement on my shorts.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22So I said, "Well, they're all I've got."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I ventured to the swimming pool to find everyone was there,
0:11:28 > 0:11:32naked and now looking at me like I'm a deviant,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36and I had to take the shorts off, which was OK,
0:11:36 > 0:11:37cos I was naked and alone.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40If I was there with a friend that would have been quite difficult.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Well...
0:11:42 > 0:11:43These are our willies.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48We may not have curtseyed, I don't know.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55And as I'm swimming, I realise not only is this a wonderful feeling,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58but this is not peculiar to the people around me.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It is the cultural norm, but what they don't realise is,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03they've got a British pervert in there with them.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Although, I just finished this tour and people from Amsterdam
0:12:09 > 0:12:12came into one of the shows and told me afterwards,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"We don't know what pool that was."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16So...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22it is not the cultural norm.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I was swimming with a bunch of perverts.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I think that disconnection that I'm talking about comes from
0:12:32 > 0:12:35a repression of feelings. I think I was oddly sexually repressed
0:12:35 > 0:12:37and also, repressing a lot of anger, it turned out.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I didn't even know I had anger.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I would see other people becoming angry and think,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"Well, this is quite silly," especially as I live in Hampstead.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47To see people being angry on Hampstead High Street is like,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49what? There's crepes, have a crepe.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58But then I was at the Dublin airport,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01coming home from a comedy festival with a couple of friends
0:13:01 > 0:13:04and one of these friends sees this girl that he finds attractive,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06working at the MAC make-up counter.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08She was quite attractive. She was wearing a lot of make-up
0:13:08 > 0:13:11but we can't judge her for that, she works at the make-up counter,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14the hours go by, and she gets bored. These things can accumulate.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19And I think that's a problem quite specific to the make-up counter.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I've never gone into a shoe shop and somebody's covered in shoes.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30So I say, "Well, let's go over and say hello to this woman,"
0:13:30 > 0:13:32because we're alive and...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35That's something I say occasionally.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39And I think, it's been my idea, so I should host the flirting,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43so I say, "Hello, what's all this?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52She tells us about the exciting new MAC range
0:13:52 > 0:13:54and I, in order to get my friend involved with her,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56in a flirty sort of silly way, ask, "What do you recommend for
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"my friend with his nice, pale skin, what do you recommend for him?"
0:13:59 > 0:14:02She says, "Your girlfriend..." I say, "No, there's no girlfriend.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"He's very much single, what do you recommend for him?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:08She says, "If you had a girlfriend?" I said, "No, there's no girlfriend.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09"What would you recommend for him?"
0:14:09 > 0:14:13She says, "Well, women..." and then, and I didn't even know why,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I was warm from fury.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21And I start saying things like,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"What if Eddie Izzard walked up? This is very limiting, isn't it?"
0:14:24 > 0:14:26She didn't know who he was, which annoyed me.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31She was beautiful and she knew that she was beautiful
0:14:31 > 0:14:33but I think that's all she knew.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And that's just jealousy, really.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42If you are naturally beautiful, that's all you need in this world.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I used to get so excited by models at parties. "Models! There are
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"models at this party. I've got to go and flirt with the models."
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"Must have a model." I was recently at a party,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51there were two models stood in front of me
0:14:51 > 0:14:54and I was all ready to go into action and I just thought,
0:14:54 > 0:14:55"Oh, fuck you."
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Right.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Because what have they done?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05They've grown high.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I learnt to juggle.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15It hasn't helped. It hasn't helped me.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Why did nobody put a piano in front of me as a child?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Then I could be a guy now, who can play the piano in a bar,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23taking requests. There are no requests with juggling,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26other than, "Don't juggle."
0:15:30 > 0:15:35I was standing there in this airport with no self-consciousness about
0:15:35 > 0:15:38shouting at this stranger. I don't care that people are looking.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40My other friend comes over and says, "Is everything all right?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And I say, "No,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"we just want to buy some make-up,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"but apparently we should just fuck off."
0:15:52 > 0:15:55And then I see my friend for the first time, who's clearly thinking,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"Well, this isn't quite what we planned."
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I didn't even know why I was angry
0:16:02 > 0:16:04and I've since come to the realisation
0:16:04 > 0:16:07that it was about how limiting she was being about
0:16:07 > 0:16:10what was allowed to occur in this world of possibility
0:16:10 > 0:16:13that we are actually in and to be still so stuck on gender roles.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15We all combine the male and the female.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It's only the most insecure men who are aggressively masculine
0:16:18 > 0:16:20because they feel it's all they've got, and often the most
0:16:20 > 0:16:23insecure women are wandering around with the least amount of clothes.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I feel them saying, "All I know is I'm a woman. Come on, get involved."
0:16:34 > 0:16:35And, obviously, that...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38it's not always a thing that comes from insecurity.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I want to, I feel I should say that's not...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45It's not something that always comes from insecurity,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48like, it can be an empowering, assertive....
0:16:48 > 0:16:49A girl from New York came to see
0:16:49 > 0:16:51this show and she was quite brilliant,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54she had a problem with that. And what I'm saying is, women...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05We all combine the male and the female
0:17:05 > 0:17:07and it feels like we're trying to get there.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09It feels like, as a culture,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11we're trying to be all that we actually are,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14but because there is still this fear,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18we are being fed these words that don't make any sense.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Like man-bag and guy-liner.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Like men don't have hands or eyes.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Bought this guy-liner, don't know where it goes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39And if I did, no way of putting it on.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It still upsets me to hear even young, trendy couples saying
0:17:47 > 0:17:49things like, we're having a baby but we don't know the gender
0:17:49 > 0:17:52so we don't know whether to paint the nursery blue or pink.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54We might go for yellow just to be safe.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57What is the danger here? Go blue, go nuts.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00What if it's a girl? We don't want her to grow up to be Bruce Willis.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06And then they have the baby and these sentences pour out of them.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Oh, we've had a girl but she's quite a tom-boy.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10What is this word? Maybe your idea of what a girl is supposed to be
0:18:10 > 0:18:12is quite restrictive. Oh, we've had a boy
0:18:12 > 0:18:15but he's playing with dolls. Oh, God, then put him back in?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I'm not keen when the word "but" is inserted into a sentence
0:18:21 > 0:18:23when there is no need for it.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25When my grandparents had new neighbours, they said,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27"Oh, they're Indian but they're so polite."
0:18:27 > 0:18:28There's no "but".
0:18:32 > 0:18:35When TV dramas don't know what to do with their minority characters,
0:18:35 > 0:18:36they give them a little twist.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Well, she's black but she plays the oboe. It's not a twist.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Ooh, the oboe. I thought she'd murder my wife. The oboe.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51He's in a wheelchair but he's not sad. What?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55He's wearing a turban but he's also wearing a kilt.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Complex.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I'm very impatient for this time that we live in,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05the things that are considered normal. People talk about the past,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07history, like that was all ridiculous,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09how could any of that have happened?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13I would like to be in the future now or somewhere else
0:19:13 > 0:19:17so I could look back at this time and say, "Do you remember
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"when people drank milk from other species?"
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Did they see cows feeding their calves and think,
0:19:28 > 0:19:29"Yeah, that's probably for me."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Do you remember when people got married before they trusted
0:19:36 > 0:19:38that love would be enough?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41"Oh, it's just our one special day, it's our one special day."
0:19:41 > 0:19:43And then what? Do you remember our special day
0:19:43 > 0:19:45before we sat on this sofa and never got up again?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I was thin, wasn't I? You were thin.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53We made it all up, marriages.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's not a naturally occurring thing, we had to have all this
0:19:55 > 0:19:58romantic language. Will you marry me? Because it couldn't be
0:19:58 > 0:20:01the truth, which is, will you please save me from my loneliest depression
0:20:01 > 0:20:04and fear? Because people would have said, "I'm quite busy."
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Do you remember when people thought money was the answer?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11That money would make them happy? If I could just win the Lottery,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"Oh, I have won it. Oh, I've spent it all. The problem was internal."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Money is just a system for moving things around and to be
0:20:23 > 0:20:26so attached to things. "Oh, I love my car. I love my car."
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Do you? Or do you just hate your wife?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37If you have people excited about a system for moving things around,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39then you have control. When I was at primary school,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42there was a teacher who couldn't control the class
0:20:42 > 0:20:45and then introduced a points system, where at the end of every week,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49the person with the most points would win a fun-size chocolate bar
0:20:49 > 0:20:52and everyone went nuts for this.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55And I remember thinking, don't you people know that
0:20:55 > 0:20:58outside of this room there are actual-size chocolate bars?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05What about, do you remember when we had that Pope figure
0:21:05 > 0:21:08wandering around, saying fatally inaccurate things and eventually
0:21:08 > 0:21:11we just had to put him in prison for crimes against humanity
0:21:11 > 0:21:14because you couldn't kill him because he just got replaced?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24That was when we had prisons, of course.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Do you remember when we had prisons?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30When we separated people off into cages rather than giving them
0:21:30 > 0:21:33the love they needed that would have stopped all the crime?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37You'll have to just trust me on that one.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Do you remember when people got upset when their pets died,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46but then when other animals died, they ate them?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Do you remember when food became so processed
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and unnatural that certain foods became labelled organic,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02like it was a kooky luxury to not consume poison.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And what about when religious people failed to remember that
0:22:07 > 0:22:11God is nature. There is nothing more all-encompassing or wise
0:22:11 > 0:22:12than Mother Nature.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16And atheists forgot that science is the study of nature
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and then they both remembered and had amazing sex by a tree.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And do you remember when people felt proud of where they came from,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28like it was something to do with them?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It's just where you happened to fall out of your mother's vagina.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh, I'm so proud to be British.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You may as well be proud to be Caesarean.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39All these separate flags.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44If you're going to have a flag, have a flag of a vagina,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46so then you can meet people and go, "Oh, hi, where are you from?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"Oh, same as me. Let's be friends."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56How was peace finally achieved?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58The introduction of the vagina flag.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07But that was the past, right? When we fixated on such silliness.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12I, when I was turning 30, had a crisis about that
0:23:12 > 0:23:14and I didn't even know it was going to be a crisis until this moment.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I was wandering along the street
0:23:16 > 0:23:18in some skinny jeans, trainers and a yellow hoody
0:23:18 > 0:23:22and I suddenly saw a reflection of myself in a shop window
0:23:22 > 0:23:24and thought,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"Does my head look too old for these clothes?"
0:23:28 > 0:23:31And I couldn't concentrate on anything else that day
0:23:31 > 0:23:34because I thought everything in my life depends on youth.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I'm sort of a bit cheeky, you have to be young for that.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"Oh, young Simon is so cheeky."
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Uncle Simon is creepy.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45And Grandpa Simon, he's in prison.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I also used to exclusively fancy young men
0:23:50 > 0:23:53and I thought I needed to look like them in order to be with them.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56If that couldn't happen anymore, then I needed a new look
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and this is what I came up with.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01So that now I don't have to look like a young guy.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Now, people look at me and think, "Oh, he must be a poet."
0:24:06 > 0:24:10So I can be at a party and a young guy can be looking at me thinking,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13"Oh, hello, his head looks young for his clothes."
0:24:19 > 0:24:21There was also this terrible fear of becoming my father.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23We do not have a great relationship.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26He invited me to one of his new kids' birthday parties recently.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30He started breeding again because... what if we run out of Jews?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36That's the actual reason.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I don't feel great about going to the party. We don't have a great relationship.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I don't know the kids well. They're all under nine. I didn't grow up with them.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's the same sperm but a whole different womb,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49but you can't say that to a four-year-old on her birthday.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It's best to write that in the card.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00My father also asks if I can bring some of my magic tricks that
0:25:00 > 0:25:05I used to do so I can entertain all the children. Because when I was...
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I wish this was quite a bit younger. ..17,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11because nobody ever said to me,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14"Oh, it's nice, Simon, all this magic. You might like sex."
0:25:18 > 0:25:19So I had no sex till I was 21
0:25:19 > 0:25:22and I really had to make up for lost time.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25So there's been quite a bit of sex but now I very much miss the magic.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I like the idea of having a prop at the party,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32having something to do, because it meant I wouldn't
0:25:32 > 0:25:35have to be my father's son. I could be the entertainer guy.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I thought I could make balloon animals for all the children.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40But he didn't invite all the children,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42it was just him and his three kids,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45and I'd ordered 200 balloons from the internet
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and once I'd made a couple of poodles and a giraffe,
0:25:48 > 0:25:49which is the same thing, I...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I had to talk to my father.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55He says, "Let's have a chat."
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I sit down and he says,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00"So?"
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Which is a very broad question.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07I struggle. He then follows it up with, "So, what else?"
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I have accepted, after years of therapy,
0:26:10 > 0:26:11that he was a distant father
0:26:11 > 0:26:14but that he's such a bad interviewer is unfair.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19He then says, "You know, you must come over more often."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's like being a restaurant, not providing any food and saying,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"Come again!"
0:26:27 > 0:26:30But we didn't talk for a while and then he phoned me
0:26:30 > 0:26:34and said, "I've been thinking. One day, I'm going to be on my death-bed
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"and if we don't have a relationship, there'll be regret."
0:26:37 > 0:26:41So now we make sure we see each other, like, once every
0:26:41 > 0:26:44couple of months and I always regret it.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47But when he dies,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I'm going to feel pretty good.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER
0:26:58 > 0:27:00He, er...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02HE CHUCKLES
0:27:02 > 0:27:05He came over recently,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09in a week that I had been dumped by possibly the first person
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I've ever actually loved, and...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13AUDIENCE AHHS
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Oh. Doesn't help, but thank you.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22And at the same time as that happening, my washing machine broke.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Fuck you.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31This is my actual life.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It's not a fun night out.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35We really must put that on the posters.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41So he comes over to fix the washing machine but I thought that,
0:27:41 > 0:27:42perhaps, for the first time,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45we could actually have a conversation about something.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48There was some nurturing, some wisdom that could be provided.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51He did not have the emotional capacity to discuss a break-up.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52He fixed the washing machine.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I felt very angry that that's what happened that day
0:27:55 > 0:27:58and I've since come to this realisation.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02I mean, I know he came over a day early to do that, because
0:28:02 > 0:28:07he knew I was upset and he did what he could do and so that's the love.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10So now when people say to me,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13"That's a nice top, Simon, is it new?" "No."
0:28:13 > 0:28:14"My father loves me."
0:28:20 > 0:28:23And I accept that because he won't be around for ever
0:28:23 > 0:28:26and at some point, I'll have to have that relationship with a plumber.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36And who knows who he is, really? Everything is perception.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39He came over recently and dealt with this incredible
0:28:39 > 0:28:42family crisis that we were having and he dealt with it
0:28:42 > 0:28:44so beautifully, like a trained counsellor.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46That was not my memory of him from childhood.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48In childhood, he was either angry or distant.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52So either we didn't know where he was, or we did and it was not ideal.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58He dealt with this so beautifully, with such patience and kindness.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01I said to him afterwards, "Who are you?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03"How did you do that?"
0:29:03 > 0:29:06And he said to me, this is what he actually said,
0:29:06 > 0:29:10"About two years ago, I cut out wheat."
0:29:21 > 0:29:23I could have had a happy childhood,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29instead of "Don't disturb Daddy, he's eaten a lot of pasta."
0:29:35 > 0:29:37So, because I couldn't talk about that break-up with him,
0:29:37 > 0:29:41I'm going to talk about it with you people now on television.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46And it took a long time to even become a relationship
0:29:46 > 0:29:49and I really wanted something real at that point in my life
0:29:49 > 0:29:51and one night we had this whole discussion and he said, "Look,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54"Maybe I don't want to be Simon Amstell's boyfriend."
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Which was really hard for me to hear because...
0:29:56 > 0:29:59I am Simon Amstell.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07And he was...he was my exact type.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09He was young and vulnerable
0:30:09 > 0:30:13and when we first met he had all this crazy, big hair
0:30:13 > 0:30:15and I said to him, "That's big hair,"
0:30:15 > 0:30:17and he agreed, so we could carry on.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22And he has some issues with his step-father and
0:30:22 > 0:30:25he suffered from a bit of depression and I love all that stuff, so...
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Everything was going so well for about six months
0:30:30 > 0:30:33and then he found this job, which meant we weren't seeing each other
0:30:33 > 0:30:36enough and I wasn't sure if there was this tension now because
0:30:36 > 0:30:37of the job or just us and I thought,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39if I can just put some dates in our diaries,
0:30:39 > 0:30:42there'll be stuff to look forward to, everything will be fine.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45And then we meet up in this park square.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47We're sat on a bench and he says to me,
0:30:47 > 0:30:50"I can't be in this relationship any more."
0:30:50 > 0:30:51"Can't."
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Can't was the word.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56And I thought, "You could."
0:30:58 > 0:31:00"Now, pick a date."
0:31:04 > 0:31:06But he could not discuss it at that point in his life, so we hugged
0:31:06 > 0:31:09and we parted and then I felt like I may cry,
0:31:09 > 0:31:11which is quite odd for me, but I didn't feel like I could
0:31:11 > 0:31:13in the middle of this public park square.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15So I see a coffee shop in the distance and I think, I will go
0:31:15 > 0:31:18and cry in the toilet of that coffee shop, which was a worry
0:31:18 > 0:31:21cos often they don't let you cry unless you buy something first.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26And there's all this build-up, walking to the coffee shop.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28I don't have to buy anything. I close the door behind me
0:31:28 > 0:31:30and...because I'm so emotionally blocked,
0:31:30 > 0:31:35I feel one tear and I'm so thrilled that happened, I stop crying.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I couldn't even cry the pain out of me.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42I get into a taxi home. The taxi driver is quite perky.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44I end up saying to him, you seem quite happy.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46How come you're so happy?
0:31:46 > 0:31:47He says, "I'm always happy,"
0:31:47 > 0:31:49which was a clear lie so I pressed him on it.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I said, "How can you always be happy?"
0:31:54 > 0:31:57He said, "I just know there are always people in the world
0:31:57 > 0:31:58"much worse off than me."
0:31:58 > 0:32:00AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Oh, yeah, that's why I really enjoy eating
0:32:05 > 0:32:08cos I always know there are people in the world starving.
0:32:08 > 0:32:09Mmm, yummy.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15I get home and this is the hardest part for me.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17This is the problem.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19I get home and I can't feel any of the pain.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23I go straight to my computer and start typing up what has happened
0:32:23 > 0:32:25so I can tell you people
0:32:25 > 0:32:27and I'm so annoyed at my own fingers, like,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29"Why are we doing this?" "Because this is all we've got."
0:32:33 > 0:32:36I met up with him a while ago to discuss what had happened
0:32:36 > 0:32:40and it's very nice during all of that break-up story to see you
0:32:40 > 0:32:42hugging there in the third row.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44That was sort of nice for me. Thank you.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47I mean, is it a bit selfish of you to...?
0:32:49 > 0:32:51It's all right. "We're fine, aren't we?"
0:32:57 > 0:32:58Everything ends.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01LAUGHTER
0:33:05 > 0:33:09So we met up a while ago to discuss what had happened
0:33:09 > 0:33:12and one of the things he said to me was that he felt that
0:33:12 > 0:33:16I was vulnerable and I needed somebody to take care of me.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18To save me.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20This did not ring true at all,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23until I was at a spa hotel in Spain recently.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Because life lessons can come from anywhere.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Many will come tonight and you won't even realise.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30You'll think you've seen a comedy show
0:33:30 > 0:33:33and then tomorrow you'll think, "Perhaps I should leave my husband."
0:33:34 > 0:33:39I request a massage at this hotel and it isn't available so the lady
0:33:39 > 0:33:41in charge asks if I'd like this other massage,
0:33:41 > 0:33:42which I haven't heard of,
0:33:42 > 0:33:45and also this flotation room treatment, which intrigues me.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49I say yes to both, thinking they will be two separate events.
0:33:50 > 0:33:55What it turned out to be was me lying back in warm water,
0:33:55 > 0:33:59in a dark room with a man swinging me about.
0:34:07 > 0:34:08And I loved it.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15It was this strange womb-like space
0:34:15 > 0:34:20and it felt like he was everything in that womb, mother, father,
0:34:20 > 0:34:23brother, lover, and also relieving neck and shoulder pain wonderfully.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I also found him quite attractive and not my usual type.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31He was quite a muscular chap and I normally go for somebody
0:34:31 > 0:34:33with no muscles, no bottom, just a stick and a head.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39This guy, not only did he have this strong body, he had this,
0:34:39 > 0:34:43like, kind, vulnerable face, which is a good combination for me.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45He had, like, this swimmer's body
0:34:45 > 0:34:48but the face of someone who maybe can't even swim.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57His body's saying, I will heal and protect you, his face saying,
0:34:57 > 0:34:58unless I drown.
0:35:01 > 0:35:06And as he's massaging my shoulders, in the water, in the darkness,
0:35:06 > 0:35:11I can feel his breath on my face and I think,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13there are no laws in the womb.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21I could, I could perhaps just lean up and kiss him, couldn't I?
0:35:21 > 0:35:25I couldn't. Fear, even in that womb-like, dream-like space,
0:35:25 > 0:35:26was still present.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30I was so annoyed at my own fear, then I told this to a friend and
0:35:30 > 0:35:31he said, "It's good fear was present,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33"that would have been really odd."
0:35:36 > 0:35:40So what happened instead was, eventually,
0:35:40 > 0:35:43he got out of the water and told me to get dressed when I was ready
0:35:43 > 0:35:48and then I, because he had been healing me and taking care of me,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50ended up saying,
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"Are you sure you don't want to get back in?"
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Like a crazed, middle-aged housewife.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Please, my husband won't touch me!
0:36:05 > 0:36:07I live alone
0:36:07 > 0:36:10and that's fine.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13You just have to make plans, that's the key, especially if you
0:36:13 > 0:36:16don't have a normal job because if you live alone and you don't
0:36:16 > 0:36:19make plans, here is what happens,
0:36:19 > 0:36:23you wake up and it just gets darker.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33I caught myself a few weeks ago,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36clutching my cat to my chest,
0:36:36 > 0:36:38saying,
0:36:38 > 0:36:40"We're all right, aren't we?"
0:36:45 > 0:36:49There's no-one there taking care of me. There are no rules.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I'm now watching the least ethical porn and...
0:36:54 > 0:36:56I don't even know how it happened.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58I used to say to people, and it was true,
0:36:58 > 0:37:00I can watch pornography as long as the people in it are clearly
0:37:00 > 0:37:03smiling and enjoying what they're doing.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04That is not the case anymore.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08I'm now rarely watching anything
0:37:08 > 0:37:11unless there is a person in it who's been tricked.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18And everything in my fridge is fair-trade and organic,
0:37:18 > 0:37:19the porn is neither.
0:37:23 > 0:37:24Just have to make plans,
0:37:24 > 0:37:26that's the key, you just have to make plans,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29so that life has the illusion of meaning and forward momentum
0:37:29 > 0:37:32and that's why you're here, so you've done something tonight.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Because people tomorrow will ask you, "What did you do last night?"
0:37:35 > 0:37:37and then you can say, "I went to a live taping at the BBC
0:37:37 > 0:37:40"cos I live in London. I'm alive, I'm alive."
0:37:43 > 0:37:44Are you, though?
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Or are you just desperately filling the time
0:37:48 > 0:37:50so you don't have to feel all the pain?
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Well, you came to the wrong show.
0:38:01 > 0:38:02What are any of us doing?
0:38:06 > 0:38:07What are we doing?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12There are no rules.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15All we have are the conventions of the people who came before us
0:38:15 > 0:38:18and we can't just mindlessly follow those, so what's the priority?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20What are we supposed to be doing here?
0:38:20 > 0:38:24I like the idea that there's a self-improvement going on
0:38:24 > 0:38:28and I often feel like this must be some temporary personality
0:38:28 > 0:38:30before I get to the good one.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Like, this can't be it for life.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Like, this voice, this is my voice.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39And I have this laugh now.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I don't know when it started, but I'm going to have to act it
0:38:42 > 0:38:45for you now, but this is my actual laugh in my life.
0:38:45 > 0:38:46Haa!
0:38:52 > 0:38:55It's like I can't even experience prolonged joy.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02I remember reading at school the book To Kill A Mockingbird
0:39:02 > 0:39:04and there was a character in it who went on this heroic journey
0:39:04 > 0:39:07of self-improvement, attaining a purity. She knew
0:39:07 > 0:39:10she was dying and she wanted to give up her addiction to morphine
0:39:10 > 0:39:13before that moment. And I remember thinking,
0:39:13 > 0:39:15"What a stupid thing to do."
0:39:15 > 0:39:17If I knew I had two months to live,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20one of the things I would take up would be morphine.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23I have had it for an operation
0:39:23 > 0:39:26and it is like a hug from the inside.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31It feels like love but with none of the bother.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35You wouldn't give it up, you'd say, "OK, double the morphine,
0:39:35 > 0:39:37"and bring me Atticus Finch."
0:39:42 > 0:39:45That story of Mrs Dubose, I think...
0:39:45 > 0:39:48I think what that was about was about her wanting to feel
0:39:48 > 0:39:51all of life, rather than numbing it in any way.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55The pain must be felt. The pain must be felt.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58My friend recently told me that I think too much.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01I just think too much, which is fine - except he then,
0:40:01 > 0:40:03very boastfully said to me,
0:40:03 > 0:40:05"You know, I never think."
0:40:09 > 0:40:13And I said, "You do, you do think," and he said,
0:40:13 > 0:40:14"No."
0:40:17 > 0:40:21And I said, "Look, even if you don't discuss philosophy
0:40:21 > 0:40:24"every moment of your life, you'll still come to some conclusions.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28"Like when you wake up and you get out of bed, why do you do that?"
0:40:28 > 0:40:30And he said, "I've got work."
0:40:32 > 0:40:35And then I got a bit annoyed and said, "Well, why don't you
0:40:35 > 0:40:38"just kill yourself, then?" And then my other friend leaned in and said,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40"He seems quite happy, don't ruin another life."
0:40:46 > 0:40:49Now he may feel as numb as I felt in the past and be in deeper denial
0:40:49 > 0:40:51but there is something in what he is saying.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53We're all thinking too much and not feeling enough.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56You cannot think your way to enlightenment. And so I find myself
0:40:56 > 0:41:00now on this spiritual journey to overcome ego,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02which would be great,
0:41:02 > 0:41:04except it's such an egotistical journey to be on.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10I have a friend and he's on the same journey as I am
0:41:10 > 0:41:13and it is clear yet unspoken that we are now in competition.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18So I will say something like,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21"I'm going to Peru next month to visit the Shaman.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23"We'll drink this plant medicine that has been used by
0:41:23 > 0:41:26"the indigenous people for thousands of years to heal themselves."
0:41:26 > 0:41:29And he will say, "Oh, yeah, I know the guy who invented Peru."
0:41:33 > 0:41:35And he is winning, but what I've realised is that
0:41:35 > 0:41:38any competition is ridiculous because nobody wins this thing.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41We all just die, so...
0:41:41 > 0:41:44to do anything from a point of ego is absurd.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Do something from just the joy of doing it in that moment.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50There's some integrity there, so what I thought was,
0:41:50 > 0:41:52if I can just do everything in my life, from now on,
0:41:52 > 0:41:56from a point of pure joy, rather than any ego,
0:41:56 > 0:41:57THEN I'll be the best.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08And so, because you cannot think your way to enlightenment, to peace,
0:42:08 > 0:42:12and because I felt so broken and couldn't fix myself - and I tried -
0:42:12 > 0:42:16I found myself in Peru, drinking this plant medicine with a Shaman.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18And what I'm about to tell you will sound, perhaps,
0:42:18 > 0:42:21like a bit of a crazy drug trip, but I promise you, it isn't that.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25I've enjoyed magic mushrooms because I don't do drugs
0:42:25 > 0:42:26but I will if they contain magic.
0:42:29 > 0:42:33And with that, it just feels like a wonderful, giggly experience
0:42:33 > 0:42:34and then at the end, you just go,
0:42:34 > 0:42:37"I don't know what that was about, but I had a lovely time."
0:42:37 > 0:42:39This was very much the opposite.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43It was traumatic, horrific, there was throwing up involved
0:42:43 > 0:42:46but it was focused, psychotherapeutic healing.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50Everyone got exactly what they needed in their lives somehow.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52I was there with about 11 other people from around the world.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55All there for various different reasons. Depression...
0:42:55 > 0:42:57it was mainly depression.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02And it was clear I was there
0:43:02 > 0:43:05because I couldn't be in a group of people without anxiety
0:43:05 > 0:43:09and I know that's odd me saying that because I do this,
0:43:09 > 0:43:11but this was the only way I could cope with talking to people.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Raised and lit.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19And the other thing to know about this story
0:43:19 > 0:43:21is that it isn't rational.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23I tried to find peace in the rational world
0:43:23 > 0:43:24and I couldn't find it.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27I'd always dealt with trauma from the past in what seemed to me
0:43:27 > 0:43:29to be a fairly logical, positive way. I always said,
0:43:29 > 0:43:33"Whatever happened, it was perfect." And then something in the rainforest
0:43:33 > 0:43:37said to me, because it acted like a psychotherapeutic conversation,
0:43:37 > 0:43:40"It wasn't perfect, though, was it?"
0:43:40 > 0:43:42And it was such a relief to accept that.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44I said, "No, it wasn't. What was it, then?"
0:43:44 > 0:43:46And it said, "It was what it was,"
0:43:46 > 0:43:50and I said, "But it's been very useful for what I do in my career."
0:43:50 > 0:43:54And it said, "What you do is what you do, it is not a big deal."
0:43:54 > 0:43:57And this was a great relief, but also
0:43:57 > 0:43:58very insulting.
0:44:03 > 0:44:04There were four ceremonies and
0:44:04 > 0:44:07each one we sat in a circle in total darkness.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11We drank this medicine. In the second ceremony, I was reborn.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14We don't have time to discuss that, but I was reborn.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19In the fourth one, I found this strength I did not know
0:44:19 > 0:44:22I had before. Even before drinking the medicine, something was
0:44:22 > 0:44:25happening because I started singing in my head for some reason,
0:44:25 > 0:44:32a prayer that a boy sings during his Bar Mitzvah where he becomes a man.
0:44:32 > 0:44:37HE SINGS BAR MITZVAH PRAYER
0:44:40 > 0:44:42And then I became a cat.
0:44:50 > 0:44:54To my left in the circle was an attractive young American who
0:44:54 > 0:44:55had also become a cat.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57I heard him meowing.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01And I started thinking about him during the ceremony,
0:45:01 > 0:45:03sexual thoughts. I found him quite attractive
0:45:03 > 0:45:06but I felt ashamed to think these thoughts during the ceremony.
0:45:06 > 0:45:07It felt wrong, inappropriate.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09And then something in the rainforest said to me,
0:45:09 > 0:45:11"Why do you feel ashamed?
0:45:11 > 0:45:13"You are a strong, sexy cat."
0:45:16 > 0:45:18And so then I turned to him,
0:45:18 > 0:45:21beyond my own control, the medicine was in charge now, and rather than
0:45:21 > 0:45:25saying something meek like, maybe we should kiss, I did this motion.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32And then he, not his physical head, but perhaps his spirit cat energy,
0:45:32 > 0:45:36at that moment, landed in my palm and we kissed and then I giggled
0:45:36 > 0:45:40cos I felt, "Oh, what a silly thing to have done, what must he think?"
0:45:40 > 0:45:43And then the rainforest said to me, "Why do you feel embarrassed?
0:45:43 > 0:45:44"Look, he enjoyed it."
0:45:44 > 0:45:46I looked over and I had a vision of him enjoying it,
0:45:46 > 0:45:48but he also looked quite shocked.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52So I said to him, "Do not be concerned."
0:45:57 > 0:46:01"This was just a moment between us. It is not your path. Continue."
0:46:07 > 0:46:09And that was just one of countless lessons in how
0:46:09 > 0:46:11to be in a group without fear.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15And something changed in me. When I got back to England,
0:46:15 > 0:46:18I was wandering along a country path with some friends
0:46:18 > 0:46:21and this guard dog came out of nowhere and started barking at us.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24It was quite scary. My friend said, "Let's just keep walking."
0:46:24 > 0:46:26I would have followed him, in the past.
0:46:26 > 0:46:31In this moment, I stood there, stared at this dog
0:46:31 > 0:46:33until it walked away.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35And what a stupid dog, because...
0:46:35 > 0:46:36I'm a cat.
0:46:42 > 0:46:44When that last ceremony ended, I could still feel
0:46:44 > 0:46:47the medicine inside of me and there were these urges.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50It said, "We need to feel the rain on this body."
0:46:50 > 0:46:51And I went into the rain.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54I stood naked in the rain, felt comfortable in myself
0:46:54 > 0:46:58for the first time in my life and it then said, "We need to dance."
0:46:58 > 0:47:00And so I got my headphones and I put on some Michael Jackson.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04As the music started, I noticed for the first time
0:47:04 > 0:47:07these wet curls in front of my eyes.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10Of course, mine from the rain, but in that moment, I thought,
0:47:10 > 0:47:12I am Michael Jackson.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21And I cannot dance but in those three minutes I lost myself,
0:47:21 > 0:47:25my ego, and then found myself, as the music stopped, in this position.
0:47:30 > 0:47:34I learnt to feel, to be in the rainforest, rather than think
0:47:34 > 0:47:39and analyse and I asked while I was there, what are we here for?
0:47:39 > 0:47:41What is the priority? Is it just joy?
0:47:41 > 0:47:44Everything else seems absurd. Is it just about joy?
0:47:44 > 0:47:47Are we just here for joy? Is it just joy?
0:47:47 > 0:47:50And then a tired-looking gorilla appeared before me
0:47:51 > 0:47:54and said, "Yes, it's all joy."
0:47:56 > 0:47:59And I later wrote down, "Joy confirmed."
0:48:04 > 0:48:06There is this knowledge now in me
0:48:06 > 0:48:11that I'm here purely to enjoy being here and joy doesn't just
0:48:11 > 0:48:14mean laughter. There's joy in tears. There's joy in authentic experience.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18But it's difficult to stay connected to that joy, to your true self
0:48:18 > 0:48:19if you watch the news.
0:48:19 > 0:48:24So I've stopped doing that because it isn't even the news.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27What they give us is the worst things they can come up with that
0:48:27 > 0:48:28have happened in the world that day
0:48:28 > 0:48:31and that's not a fair representation of what's going on in our planet.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33If it was the news, I could watch it,
0:48:33 > 0:48:35because it would be, "Oh, hi,
0:48:35 > 0:48:38"How are you? Did you have a nice day?"
0:48:38 > 0:48:39"The news team, we had a barbecue."
0:48:42 > 0:48:44Let's see what we've got for you. So the sun came up again,
0:48:44 > 0:48:48grass continued to grow. Now, some people have died but you never met.
0:48:52 > 0:48:53So you can't feel bad about that.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55Don't feel bad about not feeling bad. That would be silly.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58And also, everything's being dealt with by experts.
0:49:01 > 0:49:02If you're still watching, we'll go
0:49:02 > 0:49:05live to our Middle East correspondent, Harold.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07What can you tell us? "Well, it's just ridiculous."
0:49:07 > 0:49:08Thank you, Harold.
0:49:14 > 0:49:17But we have to watch the news, don't we?
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Because what if you're at a dinner party
0:49:21 > 0:49:23and somebody said,
0:49:23 > 0:49:25"Oh, did you hear the news?"
0:49:25 > 0:49:28and you weren't able to say, "I know,"
0:49:28 > 0:49:31and then carry on eating, but with sadder faces?
0:49:34 > 0:49:36But is it selfish?
0:49:36 > 0:49:38I think we are selfish, as human beings,
0:49:38 > 0:49:41and we should embrace this, not feel guilty about it.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44What it means to be selfish is you are fully in alignment with
0:49:44 > 0:49:46who you really are and after that,
0:49:46 > 0:49:48you could be quite useful in the world.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52This, I mean, what I'm doing now is completely selfish.
0:49:52 > 0:49:53I just like doing this.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55I know it doesn't seem selfish because it's brought such joy
0:49:55 > 0:49:57to television, but really...
0:49:59 > 0:50:01The only news that I need is - Hello,
0:50:01 > 0:50:05somebody's coming towards your specific house now with a knife.
0:50:05 > 0:50:07And somebody already came towards my house with a knife
0:50:07 > 0:50:09and my parents let that rabbi in, so...
0:50:14 > 0:50:17And they weren't even religious, these people.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19I don't think the buffet was even kosher. "Oh, no,
0:50:19 > 0:50:22"we don't care about that bit. We just loved the cock-cutting."
0:50:25 > 0:50:26Didn't love it, of course.
0:50:26 > 0:50:28They did it cos it was the thing to do.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30They thought, we've had a boy, we'd better slice off a bit
0:50:30 > 0:50:33of his penis, otherwise people might think we're weird parents.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39And I've decided I am angry about it.
0:50:39 > 0:50:40There is a loss of sensation in sex.
0:50:40 > 0:50:43So I'm with someone and they say, "Wow, that was incredible."
0:50:43 > 0:50:44Yeah, would have been, I don't know.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49For me to enjoy that fully, I had to keep going into my head
0:50:49 > 0:50:51and imagining that you were Justin Bieber.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57Right.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03In reality, I do not find Justin Bieber attractive.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05I'm quite indifferent to Justin Bieber
0:51:05 > 0:51:08but there is this fantasy being sold on television,
0:51:08 > 0:51:13this sort of sexless, neutered yet cocky sex person,
0:51:17 > 0:51:18which has meant that, I think,
0:51:18 > 0:51:22anger has got mixed up with sexual attraction.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25So I would now like to meet Justin Bieber
0:51:25 > 0:51:27so I can do something to him,
0:51:30 > 0:51:32so next time I see him on television,
0:51:32 > 0:51:35he's got a look that says, "My life has been changed for ever."
0:51:38 > 0:51:40But that's not the reality.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43In reality, if I'm anywhere, I'll say, "Hello, nice to meet you."
0:51:43 > 0:51:47But there is something in me that wants to fuck him till he cries.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03I don't think it's my fault.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08And, of course, it's a metaphor.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16When I say Justin Bieber, of course, what I mean is
0:52:16 > 0:52:19the mainstream media disconnecting us from who we really are.
0:52:21 > 0:52:22Because at this point in our time,
0:52:22 > 0:52:27I feel we need to be fully connected to who we are, which is each other,
0:52:27 > 0:52:31nature, the universe, or at least be in a relationship.
0:52:31 > 0:52:33Otherwise, you feel alone
0:52:33 > 0:52:34and you eat everything.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39I know this because I was in a hotel room recently, alone.
0:52:39 > 0:52:42I'm in a relationship now and there was a chance he could come out
0:52:42 > 0:52:44and meet me for the weekend. He didn't.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46The first thing I do when I get to this hotel room is
0:52:46 > 0:52:50go to the minibar, which I thought was an act of curiosity
0:52:50 > 0:52:53because I don't drink alcohol, I'm pretty much a vegan now,
0:52:53 > 0:52:56so there's nothing in there for me and I thought it was curiosity.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59But it was clear loneliness, because I then just started opening
0:52:59 > 0:53:02every drawer in the room hoping to find
0:53:02 > 0:53:04a little friend somewhere.
0:53:06 > 0:53:09I order a salad from room service.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11The reason I became a vegan, by the way, is because last year
0:53:11 > 0:53:14I became addicted to eating a chocolate cake every night.
0:53:14 > 0:53:15And...
0:53:17 > 0:53:19I needed a label to stop that from happening.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23Sometimes you need a label.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Like the only way to not drink alcohol at a party is to be
0:53:25 > 0:53:28a recovering alcoholic, cos people say, "Do you want a drink?"
0:53:28 > 0:53:30"I'm a recovering alcoholic." "Fair enough." Otherwise it's,
0:53:30 > 0:53:32"Do you want a drink?" "No, thank you."
0:53:32 > 0:53:34"Have a drink!"
0:53:34 > 0:53:37It's like these people, their only aim is to turn everyone into
0:53:37 > 0:53:40an alcoholic and if they meet one they think, "Oh, you're done, fine."
0:53:44 > 0:53:46It's very difficult to be a vegan,
0:53:46 > 0:53:48especially if you're into the idea of joy.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50You...
0:53:52 > 0:53:55You see, I mean, you certainly must never watch a Nigella
0:53:55 > 0:54:00cookery programme, because she has no rules, and we need rules.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03Oh, I wouldn't normally use double cream
0:54:03 > 0:54:04but it is Tuesday.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11Of course we wouldn't normally eat the whole goat but it is raining.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15I wouldn't normally go to the fridge in the middle of the night
0:54:15 > 0:54:17secretly at the end of every programme while the credits roll
0:54:17 > 0:54:20for more cake but I've clearly got an eating disorder.
0:54:22 > 0:54:27I eat my salad whilst watching a film and I'm fairly content.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29I think the reason maybe they started giving us
0:54:29 > 0:54:32popcorn in cinemas so that all senses are then stimulated,
0:54:32 > 0:54:36not just sight and sound but taste, touch, smell, all senses stimulated.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39We've been encouraged, over time, to numb our feelings.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41No need for feelings, buy this alcohol,
0:54:41 > 0:54:42you won't have to feel anxious.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45Buy this ice cream, you won't have to feel sad.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48But I think we need to feel, as human beings.
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Perhaps there should be an advert that says, "Hey,
0:54:53 > 0:54:55"why don't you have a little cry?"
0:54:59 > 0:55:03"You're doing so well, you're so beautiful,
0:55:03 > 0:55:05"you don't need anything external.
0:55:05 > 0:55:09"The source of you is pure love."
0:55:09 > 0:55:11I don't know who would pay for that advert.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14But I think it will be preferable to the advert
0:55:14 > 0:55:16I saw this year for Galaxy chocolate bars,
0:55:16 > 0:55:20where they were trying to encourage people to eat it secretly.
0:55:23 > 0:55:26The tag line on this advert was,
0:55:26 > 0:55:30"Think hiding it. Think Galaxy."
0:55:34 > 0:55:36That's bulimia!
0:55:38 > 0:55:40And I want to believe they just didn't know that,
0:55:40 > 0:55:43but there's something in me that feels there may have been
0:55:43 > 0:55:44a meeting where somebody said,
0:55:44 > 0:55:46"Now, who eats a lot of chocolate?"
0:55:52 > 0:55:53Galaxy. Hide it, eat it,
0:55:53 > 0:55:56throw it up, buy some more.
0:56:00 > 0:56:04All too soon, I finished the salad, but the film continues
0:56:04 > 0:56:06and that isn't enough for me, just sight and sound.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09So I see the bread that they've brought up, which I didn't order.
0:56:09 > 0:56:11I don't eat bread, cos why would you eat bread?
0:56:11 > 0:56:13At some point I might want to be a good father.
0:56:18 > 0:56:20But because I'm alone and it's there.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23Because I'm alone and it's there, I start spreading butter
0:56:23 > 0:56:26on the bread, I'm eating all the bread, breaking all my rules
0:56:26 > 0:56:29and I now can't stop thinking about the chocolate in the minibar.
0:56:29 > 0:56:32I can't stop thinking about it for half an hour. I think the only way
0:56:32 > 0:56:34to stop thinking about it is to get it out of the room.
0:56:34 > 0:56:35Just get it out the room.
0:56:35 > 0:56:38And the only way I could do that was to put it into my mouth.
0:56:41 > 0:56:43And that's why he had to be there on that holiday with me.
0:56:43 > 0:56:44I'm texting things like,
0:56:44 > 0:56:46"It would be lovely if you came for the weekend.!
0:56:46 > 0:56:48That's not what I mean. what I mean is,
0:56:48 > 0:56:50"Marry me, it's an emergency."
0:56:55 > 0:56:58We need to feel, as human beings, otherwise we will just consume
0:56:58 > 0:57:01and consume until there is nothing left.
0:57:01 > 0:57:02Why did we almost destroy the Earth?
0:57:02 > 0:57:06Because we felt alone and it was there, but we're not alone.
0:57:06 > 0:57:10We're so profoundly connected to each other, to nature.
0:57:10 > 0:57:13Last week I ate an apple.
0:57:13 > 0:57:14Do you know what I mean?
0:57:18 > 0:57:20Thank you for listening, good night.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22CHEERING
0:57:22 > 0:57:25MUSIC: "The Inner Light" by The Beatles
0:57:25 > 0:57:29# Without going out of my door
0:57:29 > 0:57:35# I can know all things on Earth
0:57:35 > 0:57:40# Without looking out of my window
0:57:40 > 0:57:45# I can know the ways of heaven
0:57:45 > 0:57:50# The farther one travels
0:57:50 > 0:57:55# The less one knows
0:57:55 > 0:58:01# The less one really knows... #
0:58:01 > 0:58:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd