:01:07. > :01:12.This programme contains strong Thank you very much. How are you? I
:01:12. > :01:17.love doing gigs in London. I love this city. Thank you so much for
:01:17. > :01:21.coming. It is just... APPLAUSE It is just a funny place.
:01:21. > :01:29.The last time I did a gig here, I said, what is the best thing to do
:01:29. > :01:36.in London? And a voice went, Rachel. I went, who said that? And the same
:01:36. > :01:42.voice went, Rachel. Sometimes, comedy can occur from nowhere in
:01:42. > :01:46.London. King's Cross station, platform 9.75, which actually
:01:47. > :01:51.exists, and you have seen a child running towards the wall, and
:01:51. > :01:55.you're going, oh, my God, this is actually going to happen, that
:01:55. > :02:02.child is going to smash his head against the wall. There is no
:02:02. > :02:07.adults here, I am the only adult and I am not going to stop this.
:02:07. > :02:11.I'm going to Hogwarts! No, you're going to accident and emergency.
:02:11. > :02:16.The aggression of this place is fantastic. Even the squirrels are
:02:16. > :02:22.aggressive. Normally you see a squirrel, it is like, excuse me,
:02:22. > :02:28.and it scuttles up a tree. I was in Regent's Park, and this big, fat
:02:28. > :02:36.one was looking at me, as if to go, no, you go around. I had to edge my
:02:36. > :02:43.way around it. I was terrified, I had to go to Nando's to calm myself
:02:43. > :02:49.down. I am obsessed with me. -- with food. I cannot not watch Come
:02:49. > :02:54.Dine With Me. Again watch hour after hour. That no later, I love
:02:54. > :03:04.him. He has got the easiest job in television. All he has got to do is
:03:04. > :03:04.
:03:04. > :03:10.to watch people eating, and then rip the piss out of them. I hope my
:03:10. > :03:15.risotto goes well. It probably won't, you stupid bitch. Me and the
:03:15. > :03:25.guests are getting on great! They want you to jump into a bath
:03:25. > :03:25.
:03:25. > :03:30.clutching a toaster. The atmosphere is a bit flat. Like your tits, You
:03:30. > :03:40.towed. You cook the food, love, we're going to rifle through your
:03:40. > :03:44.
:03:44. > :03:47.stuff, in search of a dildo. Going through your things! It'll was on
:03:47. > :03:55.Come Dine With Me, I would highroad off, dress him up as Hitler, and
:03:55. > :03:59.put him in my cupboard. I wonder what is in here...! Tricky phone
:03:59. > :04:07.call to the agent. It is not a pantomime, as such. It is not just
:04:07. > :04:10.Come Dine With Me. My God, a watch so much poor TV. Take me out. The
:04:10. > :04:16.women have to be actors, it is physically impossible to be that
:04:16. > :04:23.stupid. What is the best part of your personality? Probably my shoes.
:04:23. > :04:29.And the fake tan, I have never seen anything like it! These women on
:04:29. > :04:33.Take Me Out. If they wore any more fake tan, Madonna would try and
:04:33. > :04:39.adopt them. That was interesting, lots of love in over there, nothing
:04:39. > :04:49.over here. Madonna is a weird- looking goose, isn't she? Have you
:04:49. > :04:54.
:04:54. > :05:04.seen her arms? It is like the BFG's dick! Some poor African kid. The
:05:04. > :05:14.
:05:14. > :05:18.most addictive TV show, without a -- Embarrassing Bodies. Are you
:05:19. > :05:24.going to go to your local doctor and sort that out? No, I'm going to
:05:24. > :05:34.go on television! They go on that programme, carrying their nuts in
:05:34. > :05:36.
:05:36. > :05:46.wheelbarrows. Hello, Britain, point the camera up my arse! They should
:05:46. > :05:46.
:05:46. > :05:52.get the narrator from Come Dine With Me on Embarrassing Bodies. I
:05:53. > :05:58.watch so much crap, and I have got box groaning at me from bookshelves
:05:58. > :06:08.- Readme, Russell, learn from me. I can't, I'm afraid, I am watching
:06:08. > :06:13.the only way is a six. Have you seen that? I have put this in my
:06:13. > :06:21.family, and now it is all shiny. It is what a mental person would do if
:06:21. > :06:31.you locked them in a tinsel factory. Do not hurt my family! Men do not
:06:31. > :06:39.
:06:39. > :06:49.do that, do they? Behold, my knob frock! I dipped my dick in glitter!
:06:49. > :06:51.
:06:51. > :06:57.How scared would you be if your boyfriend did that? And it won a
:06:57. > :07:07.BAFTA. What is wrong with us? Why do we celebrate banality?
:07:07. > :07:08.
:07:08. > :07:13.Apparently, there is going to be a new show called Jordan Idol. We are
:07:13. > :07:18.trying to find a new Katie price. Why do we want to idolise her?
:07:18. > :07:26.There are so many people we could idolise, lawyers, doctors, poets,
:07:26. > :07:31.charity workers. Why? Why would women want to act like her, think
:07:31. > :07:37.like her, look like her? Women are beautiful, you do not want to look
:07:37. > :07:44.like Jordan. The surgery looks ridiculous. Look at and Robinson,
:07:44. > :07:51.she looks like a fox in a wind Tull, that is not a good look. She has
:07:51. > :07:56.had so many facelifts, every time she winks, her leg goes like that.
:07:56. > :08:06.I am baffled by a hero worship, I do not get it. It is like Justin
:08:06. > :08:11.
:08:11. > :08:15.Bieber. It is a colossal BLEEP. APPLAUSE You can applaud, I will be
:08:15. > :08:20.the one found dead in a Wendy house. Why is he famous? I will tell you
:08:20. > :08:25.why, because he said there were a baby more times than any other man
:08:25. > :08:32.in a three-minute period. That is it. Have you heard that song, it is
:08:32. > :08:42.like an autistic child in a maternity ward. Baby, Baby, Baby,
:08:42. > :08:45.
:08:45. > :08:55.Baby, Baby, Baby. That's not music, that's mental illness. They are all
:08:55. > :08:59.
:08:59. > :09:06.the same. What's this? Umbrella! Ella, Ella! Ugh! All right, Katie?
:09:06. > :09:11.I kissed the girl and I liked it! Justin Bieber has got an
:09:11. > :09:17.autobiography out. He is five years old. Imagine reading that book. My
:09:17. > :09:27.name is Justin. Today I had some cereal that was so chocolatey, it
:09:27. > :09:33.
:09:33. > :09:42.turned the milk Brown. There is a picture of a horse. I drawed It
:09:42. > :09:46.with my fingers. Lady GaGa, I do not get. If my nan came to our cars
:09:46. > :09:51.are looking like that, we would put her in her home. All right, I have
:09:51. > :09:59.been down to Morrisons and put Minns on my head! OK, before you
:09:59. > :10:04.kill people. It is my poker face! Everyone is like that, Lady GaGa is
:10:04. > :10:10.so amazing, she's so unique. But it is engineered lunacy, it is not
:10:10. > :10:16.proper madness. It is designed, safe madness. You want to see real
:10:16. > :10:22.madness, get down the West Country, you will find it in spades. Listen
:10:22. > :10:26.to them. Amazing place. Listen to them! I love the West Country.
:10:26. > :10:30.People come bounding up to me to share their madness with me. I was
:10:30. > :10:36.in Bristol a little while ago, and this couple - it might have been
:10:36. > :10:40.you, madam, in which case, I salute your genius - they lapped up to me,
:10:40. > :10:45.they did not say hello, they just said, ask us what we are doing
:10:46. > :10:55.later. And the lady pointed at her husband, who was about 40, and said,
:10:56. > :10:56.
:10:56. > :11:01.he is going to shag my brains out. It's that bloke off the telly.
:11:01. > :11:11.Shall we get a photograph? No, let tell him how we do the nasty. I
:11:11. > :11:13.
:11:13. > :11:17.like that phrase, I shagged her brains out. By will be honest with
:11:17. > :11:22.you, I have never done that. At best, I have made them forget a
:11:22. > :11:32.novel. Did you enjoy that? I cannot remember Catcher In the Rye. Bend
:11:32. > :11:39.
:11:39. > :11:44.over, baby, let's get rid of the Gruffalo. Why would you want to
:11:44. > :11:54.shag someone's brains out? Surely that would be awkward. How was that
:11:54. > :12:00.for you, my dear? Oh, no, we were going to do a pub quiz! Hello, is
:12:00. > :12:07.that Take Me Out? I have got a new contest and for you. She is proper
:12:07. > :12:13.gone. All sorts of things men are meant to say and do during sex. We
:12:13. > :12:19.do not too many of them. No man has ever said, who is your daddy, when
:12:19. > :12:23.having sex from behind. What are you talking about, this is not an
:12:23. > :12:26.episode of Who do you think you are? I just wanted to say it. Well,
:12:26. > :12:35.I would rather you didn't, I would rather you just got on with your
:12:35. > :12:44.business. Who is your daddy? Apparently she is meant to go, you
:12:44. > :12:54.are. Oh, right. How are you getting on at school, are you doing all
:12:54. > :13:04.
:13:04. > :13:11.right? It is probably best we don't tell Mum about this. In fact, I had
:13:11. > :13:17.better shag your brains out, so this never happened. I am not very
:13:17. > :13:27.good at sex. I tend to drift - I mean, in my head, not from the
:13:27. > :13:31.vagina, obviously. It would be a terrible affliction. What's wrong?
:13:31. > :13:36.I am drifting from the vagina, that's the problem. That sounds
:13:36. > :13:46.like the poetic -- most poetic way of saying you're gay. What's wrong?
:13:46. > :13:52.
:13:52. > :13:55.I'm drifting from the vagina, I don't get why it is that when
:13:55. > :13:59.someone is go they have to say they are coming out of the closet. We do
:13:59. > :14:03.not say the word closet in any other situation. Nobody says the
:14:03. > :14:09.word closet but I know the reason. If somebody had said they had come
:14:09. > :14:18.out of the wardrobe, you would say, are you from Narnia? I am gay! Have
:14:18. > :14:22.you told as that lion? He will be cross with you. And why can my
:14:22. > :14:32.parents not say that someone is gay? They have to use ridiculous
:14:32. > :14:42.euphemisms. My mum. Nigel? he likes to cook a skipping rope in the
:14:42. > :14:43.
:14:43. > :14:51.glove box! He plays ping-pong for Albania! Frogs in a windmill. What
:14:51. > :15:01.are you talking about? He fucks man, Russell, all right? Men, over and
:15:01. > :15:08.over! Oh, he is gay? Did you know about this, Dad? Nigel? Oh, yes, he
:15:08. > :15:13.puts his cakes in the wheelie bin. He is a proper cake wheelie bin man.
:15:13. > :15:18.Maybe it is just be. I am blessed with a funny family. An insane
:15:18. > :15:25.family, but funny. My dad is 55. He has started working out and he
:15:26. > :15:32.thinks that means he is allowed to wear Lycra. He is not! I think you
:15:32. > :15:38.look like a lunging been! Get away from me. My mother is dancing in
:15:38. > :15:45.the kitchen. I love this. I love Michael Bubble. It is Michael
:15:45. > :15:49.Buble! That is one bubble I would like to blow. It is like they saved
:15:49. > :15:53.up all of them madness for Christmas. Every family does that.
:15:53. > :15:58.You come back for Christmas and it is like, hello, let the lunacy
:15:58. > :16:08.begin. I am lucky because it seems that whenever I am around my family,
:16:08. > :16:12.the just occurs. You know what I said about King's Cross station? --
:16:12. > :16:17.comedy just occurs. We found out this year that my brother had
:16:17. > :16:21.shagged a girl in a hedge. I cannot tell you how excited we were. You
:16:21. > :16:28.should have seen my dad during the meal. These sprouts are greener
:16:28. > :16:35.than Daniel's legs! He was getting it from all angles, foliage, is
:16:35. > :16:39.Shawbury, Green giant! -- shrubbery. My mother was delighted because she
:16:39. > :16:45.thought he put his cakes in the wheelie bin! It was so beautiful.
:16:45. > :16:52.He was telling us about the hedge conquest. He said that she was nice,
:16:52. > :16:59.pretty good, in the hedge, pretty good. Daniel, how old are you? 28.
:16:59. > :17:04.How old was the woman? Not important. How old? 50! I swear to
:17:04. > :17:12.God, this was one of the moment occurred. I swear to God this
:17:12. > :17:22.happened, at the exact moment that my brother said 50. My mum's dog
:17:22. > :17:23.
:17:23. > :17:30.vomited on his feet. It was like the dog was judging him. 50? Feel
:17:30. > :17:35.my vomit on your toes! I have never heard anything so filled in my life.
:17:35. > :17:40.I am going to lick my balls in front of the Queen. He is such a
:17:40. > :17:44.wonderful view men being, you would love my brother. When he was
:17:44. > :17:54.Little... Most kids dress up as Spiderman. My brother will this for
:17:54. > :17:58.
:17:58. > :18:03.two years. -- was wearing this for two years. As a child, he was
:18:03. > :18:08.wonderful. As an adult, a brother has no ego. He lives for the moment.
:18:08. > :18:15.Pretty much everything he does starts with a voice in his head
:18:15. > :18:19.going, fuck it, it will be a laugh and it will really enjoy Russell. -
:18:19. > :18:24.- and Roy Russell. The worst thing he did was in Thailand recently.
:18:24. > :18:28.When we were there, his appendix burst, which was terrific. I had to
:18:28. > :18:33.pay for the operation because we had no travel insurance because we
:18:33. > :18:40.are both idiots. I will let you into the secret. He was there for
:18:40. > :18:45.three days and he would drift in and out of consciousness and every
:18:45. > :18:50.time he was asleep I went away to enjoy my holiday. And when he woke
:18:50. > :18:55.up, he would ask if I was still there and I said of course. I will
:18:55. > :19:03.never leave you! That is good, I feel tired. Do you? Sleep well, my
:19:03. > :19:06.angel. Sleep well! This was going well, you know. I had the good
:19:06. > :19:11.system going. Three days later, he was in a wheelchair and we were
:19:11. > :19:15.taking him out of hospital and pushing him around. He was like,
:19:15. > :19:18.thank you, you did not need to stake all that time but you did.
:19:18. > :19:24.You could have been out there having a laugh but you were there
:19:24. > :19:30.with me and it was lovely. No problem! You could have gone off
:19:30. > :19:37.and gone stuff. I didn't, did I? You didn't, did you? That was all
:19:37. > :19:44.going well until he found this photograph. Have you been swimming
:19:44. > :19:49.with dolphins? And he obviously wanted revenge because he looked at
:19:49. > :19:52.me and he said, take me there! Take me to the dolphins. So we had to
:19:52. > :19:57.meet the dolphins that I had been swimming with. I pushed him in a
:19:57. > :20:02.wheelchair to beat them. Before you meet them, there are plenty of you,
:20:02. > :20:08.and the lady tells you how to behave. You cannot touch the eyes.
:20:08. > :20:17.You cannot touch the blowhole. Nobody touched the Dolphin's
:20:17. > :20:23.genitalia. I swear to God, my brother from the back of the rooms
:20:23. > :20:26.screamed out, what is the fucking point? I could hear the little shit
:20:26. > :20:33.beginning and squeaking down the corridor. People turned to me in
:20:33. > :20:37.disgust. Do you know what I said to them? He is very ill! He did
:20:37. > :20:42.something else in Thailand. I am not sure I should tell you about
:20:42. > :20:49.this. It is terrible, genuinely appalling. It is funny! But I am
:20:49. > :20:57.not sure... Do you fancy hearing this? Right, you have to be sure.
:20:57. > :21:00.Yes? OK, on your head be it. He did something else that was terrible.
:21:00. > :21:04.The first day we got back to the hotel, he was in a wheelchair and
:21:04. > :21:10.he got to the lift, and when we were in the lift with five people,
:21:10. > :21:13.he started making noises. Oh, yes, you know the noises he was making.
:21:14. > :21:21.Sticking his tongue out, really going for it. People were looking
:21:21. > :21:25.at me, going... He carried on. We were on the 30th floor! Making
:21:25. > :21:35.noises all the way up! I got out of the lift and I punched him in the
:21:35. > :21:37.
:21:37. > :21:44.face. But there were people outside the left...! -- the lift. And they
:21:44. > :21:50.have not seen what he had done! All they have seen is a blurred they
:21:51. > :21:54.recognise from English television going up to a man in a wheelchair
:21:54. > :22:04.and Punch and in the face. And screamed out loud, what the fuck is
:22:04. > :22:09.
:22:09. > :22:14.That was not even the weirdest thing that happened on holiday, it
:22:14. > :22:20.was not. Do you know what was? No matter where you go when Thailand,
:22:20. > :22:30.one man leaps out from behind a building and asks if you want to
:22:30. > :22:38.
:22:38. > :22:46.see a ping-pong show. Hey, you, ping-pong show? Hey, English! Ping-
:22:46. > :22:56.pong show? And you are so, like, no, we do not want to see a ping-pong
:22:56. > :22:57.
:22:57. > :23:01.show. How dare you? So we were in the ping-pong show, right!
:23:01. > :23:07.Obviously. You sound so disappointed. Of course I was going
:23:07. > :23:11.to go. Are you familiar with the concept of a ping-pong show? Yes,
:23:11. > :23:17.why do you think it was invented? If you do not, allow me to
:23:17. > :23:22.demonstrate. You should have seen your faces! What happens, a very
:23:22. > :23:29.lovely lady sits there and for want of a better phrase fires a ping-
:23:29. > :23:35.pong ball out of her family. That is what she does. I first thought
:23:35. > :23:40.was that was definitely how we should do the lottery. It was so
:23:40. > :23:47.funny because she was randomly aiming at people in the crowd. She
:23:47. > :23:53.hit my brother twice, beautiful! Make her stop! I am not going to
:23:53. > :23:59.make a stop. He had pink dots all over his head. He looked like Mr
:23:59. > :24:04.Blobby. The reason I am telling you and the reason why this was the
:24:04. > :24:13.wildest thing that happened in Thailand, after 20 minutes of this
:24:13. > :24:18.lady left, presumably to reload. Suddenly the lights went down and
:24:18. > :24:28.the woman who was about 70 was just standing there. Everyone in the
:24:28. > :24:50.
:24:50. > :24:56.room was going, Jesus Christ! But Hello! We were all there going, oh
:24:56. > :25:06.my God! What is she going to do? What is she going to do? My brother
:25:06. > :25:07.
:25:07. > :25:14.just looked at me and went, basketball! We were trying to guess
:25:14. > :25:24.what she was going to do. What is it going to be? Cigarettes? No.
:25:24. > :25:26.
:25:26. > :25:30.Pineapple? No. Rubik's Cube? Complete! But it was not that. It
:25:30. > :25:35.remains to this day the most insane thing. If you of the nervous
:25:35. > :25:45.disposition, look away. The woman road back and a budgie flew out of
:25:45. > :25:55.
:25:55. > :25:59.her vagina. My brother said, and I quote, fuck a dog. That cheered me
:25:59. > :26:03.up because you think you have seen everything in life and then you see
:26:03. > :26:08.something new. Drop I will tell people that I know and love about
:26:08. > :26:12.that. We never know what is going to perk as up. Sometimes it can be
:26:13. > :26:20.very small bins. It can be something that is tiny, just the
:26:21. > :26:30.right bit of graffiti. -- very small things. Sometimes it can be
:26:31. > :26:38.
:26:38. > :26:42.Sometimes it can be pensioners just having a laugh. I like seeing
:26:42. > :26:47.pensioners have fun. I think it must be very difficult being old.
:26:47. > :26:52.We are raising the pension age to 66 and in a few years it will be 70.
:26:52. > :26:56.Fuck that. I do not want to be working when I am 70. I want to be
:26:56. > :27:04.in my pants at my children's house going, I have shit myself, deal
:27:04. > :27:14.with it. That is right, fix it. You don't want to be in a supermarket
:27:14. > :27:14.
:27:14. > :27:20.collecting vouchers for school. Liddle is a shop for abused food.
:27:21. > :27:30.Broken biscuits? I was in a broken biscuit war. Reform time, what does
:27:31. > :27:36.
:27:36. > :27:41.that mean? I will never commit a crime again! -- reformed ham. This
:27:41. > :27:50.story cheered me up so much. A lady in February during this no sort a
:27:50. > :27:54.yeti in the woods in Lincoln. -- the snow saw a yeti. She rang the
:27:54. > :28:04.police but it was the 67 year-old man who had gone for a stroll in
:28:04. > :28:04.
:28:04. > :28:12.the words dressed as to the Star Wars character. I love the idea of
:28:12. > :28:18.a 67 year-old man that sees that it is snowing and once that costume!
:28:18. > :28:22.So many ludicrously funny stories. We are trying to discover the
:28:22. > :28:27.language of elephants. We are trying to figure out what elephants
:28:27. > :28:37.say to each other. Why? They are amazing beasts, leave them alone.
:28:37. > :28:47.What if they are dull? How disappointing would that be? What
:28:47. > :28:54.
:28:54. > :29:04.if it just means that they tripped TRUMPETS. The funny thing is that I
:29:04. > :29:04.
:29:04. > :29:14.have tripped over that tree root before.
:29:14. > :29:21.
:29:21. > :29:31.Hang on! TRUMPETS. Knowing Me, I will
:29:31. > :29:39.
:29:39. > :29:45.probably trip over that tree root Have you had a good day, Mr Budgie?
:29:45. > :29:53.Don't ask. Never go on a gap year. It is like the Royal Wedding. We
:29:53. > :30:00.all thought it was going to be shipped. We all had a drink. Lovely
:30:00. > :30:06.bum, innit? Actually what we wanted to see was the stag-do. Wouldn't
:30:06. > :30:14.you have loved to see Prince William's stag-do? Loads of
:30:15. > :30:21.ridiculously posh Boy is - come on, let's go on a jaunt. Hey, William,
:30:21. > :30:29.let's go to a strip club. Imagine poor William in a strip club,
:30:29. > :30:37.imagine putting money into a girl's pants and staring back at your
:30:37. > :30:42.nan's face. I'm watching you! I love stag-dos. I think I like them
:30:42. > :30:48.because I am not really a human man. My friend Spider got married this
:30:48. > :30:51.year. A miracle in itself, the man is a firm will be east. He once got
:30:51. > :31:01.caught lifting up the skirt of a mannequin, only to discover it was
:31:01. > :31:03.
:31:03. > :31:11.a real lady. Easy mistake to make, you think, but we were in Gregg's!
:31:11. > :31:18.He's so feral. If I give you a drink, you drink the vitamin C
:31:18. > :31:27.goodness, but he put it straight in his mouth. Ginger dribbling down
:31:27. > :31:37.his body. It was brilliant. And his stag-do was magnificent and
:31:37. > :31:42.debauched. He got drunk, I do not mean tipsy, I mean drunk. We found
:31:42. > :31:52.him in a hotel room, holding on to a loaf of bread, screaming, you
:31:52. > :31:53.
:31:54. > :32:03.will not turn this into toast. If you find yourself defending Hovis,
:32:03. > :32:08.you need to stop drinking. It is OK, bread. He is just a brilliant bloke,
:32:08. > :32:12.just an idiot, you know? There was always one boy at school but was
:32:12. > :32:18.obsessed with masturbating. That was Spider. They told you about it,
:32:18. > :32:24.they could never do it normally, they had to do it weird. Put your
:32:24. > :32:30.hand in a fridge, leave it there for half an hour, then have a go.
:32:30. > :32:40.What is wrong with you? Is that even legal? The Lima is a very
:32:40. > :32:42.
:32:42. > :32:46.clever animal. They could never do it normal, they were like a
:32:46. > :32:56.masturbatory Heston Blumenthal. Girls are not like that, Surman you
:32:56. > :33:00.have to put up with that kind of wank banter. What you have got to
:33:00. > :33:07.do, you have got to touch yourself up, you have got to scream your
:33:07. > :33:17.mum's name, and you have got to come before she gets into the room!
:33:17. > :33:22.Bloody hell! You live in a bungalow! I know! I do not care!
:33:22. > :33:32.When I get going, I am like a broken sprinkler, I really am. The
:33:32. > :33:32.
:33:32. > :33:42.point I am making, princesses, is that you do not have to put up with
:33:42. > :33:44.
:33:44. > :33:52.that. Boys are bombarded with this kind of wank banter. But now, I
:33:52. > :34:02.barely leave myself balloon. I feel sorry for my Google sometimes.
:34:02. > :34:12.Don't even bother typing! Just go to Amazon, just for once! OK, a
:34:12. > :34:16.
:34:16. > :34:26.couple of paid-up members of Thunderjugs, nice to have you here.
:34:26. > :34:31.
:34:31. > :34:41.What are you saying? Has someone shagged your brains out? Now, as I
:34:41. > :34:41.
:34:41. > :34:46.was saying, I was never really in to self touching when I was little,
:34:46. > :34:50.because I had a terrible incident happened to me. I was 14 years old,
:34:50. > :34:55.and there was masturbating in front of the television. Don't get
:34:55. > :35:05.awkward, this is absolutely... I was on my own, I should have said
:35:05. > :35:05.
:35:05. > :35:15.that. Cracking episode of Only Fools and horses, Mum! Just my mum
:35:15. > :35:20.
:35:20. > :35:25.- same year, Russell, absolutely smashing. Mother, please! What? I
:35:25. > :35:30.don't know if you have ever found yourself doing something, and then
:35:30. > :35:40.realised it just exactly what you've done? I have seen your DVD,
:35:40. > :35:48.
:35:48. > :35:53.telling everyone I strum off to sit coms! Yes, like a lewd banjo. It is
:35:53. > :35:57.perfectly normal, I am 14, in front of the TV. There is probably a 14-
:35:57. > :36:03.year-old boy with his mother here, going, I do not know what he's
:36:03. > :36:07.talking about, mother. But this is what 14-year-old boys do. The
:36:07. > :36:12.television was on, my brother and sister were out, my mum and dad
:36:12. > :36:18.were out, I had heard some Weetabix, I was ready. It was not like I was
:36:18. > :36:21.going, I had better have a meal in case I fall asleep halfway through.
:36:22. > :36:31.Right, I am nourished, let's get ready to rumble. I did not say that,
:36:32. > :36:35.
:36:35. > :36:45.either. Never start a wank with a rally cry - you will absolutely get
:36:45. > :37:03.
:37:03. > :37:07.caught. Go on, Babe, smash it! He's smashing it. Sir... No! So, I'm in
:37:07. > :37:13.front of the television. This is why it put me off for life - not
:37:13. > :37:20.for life, but for two years. I was there, was halfway to the process
:37:20. > :37:29.when somebody knocked out the window. And there was a man in my
:37:29. > :37:39.garden, looking at me, smiling. I do not know how you do it, but for
:37:39. > :37:43.
:37:43. > :37:50.me, it is not a spectator sport. And you cannot run with a boner,
:37:50. > :37:53.you learn that almost immediately. Slapping against my belly, like I
:37:53. > :38:03.am a one-man band. I have never been more terrified in my life,
:38:03. > :38:09.
:38:09. > :38:16.because this bloke winked at me and then disappeared. That is a pervy
:38:16. > :38:26.fucking was a! Hogwarts, I would like to make a complaint! I was
:38:26. > :38:27.
:38:27. > :38:31.thinking, this is the end of my life. Have some Weetabix. Remains a
:38:31. > :38:36.keen, it is going to be fine. My mum came home two hours later, she
:38:36. > :38:44.was like, are you all right? Yes, everything's normal here, walking
:38:44. > :38:51.around, as I do, with my feet. How are you? Oh, I am fine. Have you
:38:51. > :38:59.heard the news? No. There has been no news here, it has been all
:38:59. > :39:05.normal behaviours, no news. The neighbours have been burgled! Yes,
:39:05. > :39:10.exactly. This is a genuinely true story. What happened, this bloke
:39:10. > :39:16.had obviously robbed from the neighbours, and had leapt into our
:39:16. > :39:26.garden, ready to steal from us, and he had obviously gone, oh, would
:39:26. > :39:29.
:39:29. > :39:35.you look at that? It is a 14-year- old boy having a wank. I had better
:39:35. > :39:37.go over there and miss his head up. Hello, I have just robbed your
:39:37. > :39:42.neighbours! Something tells me, you're not going to remember this
:39:42. > :39:52.face. You're probably not going to tell the police that I existed. See
:39:52. > :39:53.
:39:53. > :39:58.you later! Do not applaud, it is terrible. I did not say anything. I
:39:58. > :40:03.have never said anything. This is it now, this is my confession. My
:40:03. > :40:08.mum was like, did you see the burglar? I did not see the bird
:40:08. > :40:16.adjacent but I bet he was the kind of bloke that made up Limes! So, I
:40:16. > :40:20.wasn't ever really into self touch and because of that incident. But
:40:20. > :40:24.we were on the stag-do, and everybody went, we have got to go
:40:24. > :40:29.to a strip club. Ping-pong club, a bit of a laugh, strip club -
:40:29. > :40:37.utterly depressing. Everybody says they are amazing. They are not,
:40:37. > :40:41.they are full of poor girls, with no GCSEs. The point I am making, I
:40:41. > :40:46.was thinking about this the other day - I spend a lot of time with my
:40:46. > :40:53.girlfriend, with my mates, with my dog or in Tesco. That's pretty much
:40:53. > :40:58.it. Madam, have you ever been shopping in Tesco whilst you're
:40:58. > :41:03.pissed? It is amazing, you feel like Charlie Sheen. This happened
:41:03. > :41:07.the other day, genuinely. I was pissed and it was in Tesco, I was
:41:07. > :41:13.trying to buy milk, it took me about an hour. I bumped into this
:41:13. > :41:22.bloke. I said, sorry, mate, I am drunk. And he went, so am I. It was
:41:22. > :41:27.this lovely meeting. It is too cold! And there's fish everywhere.
:41:27. > :41:34.In a nightclub! Ridiculous! And there is a voice in the heavens, I
:41:34. > :41:40.think it is God. But he is obsessed with bargains. And you see the best
:41:40. > :41:50.parenting, don't you? I saw this kit, he was about six, he went to
:41:50. > :41:50.
:41:50. > :41:57.his dad, and he said, Dad, what is a wasp? And him went, pretty much a
:41:57. > :42:01.gay bee. We were all raised by liars. Eat your vegetables, you
:42:01. > :42:10.will be able to see in the dark. Eat the crust, you will get a hairy
:42:10. > :42:17.chest. Bollocks. If that were true, ducks would be like floating
:42:17. > :42:26.scrotums. If you have got a time- travelling faced, why are we still
:42:26. > :42:35.going to Butlin's? My mum always used to go, never eat yellow snow.
:42:35. > :42:45.What, as opposed to normal snow?! Those people are savages, Russell.
:42:45. > :42:49.Look at them eating their pissy slush. We were not allowed to run
:42:49. > :42:59.with scissors in my house, but my mum was allowed to use them to cut
:42:59. > :43:09.my hair. How is that fair? Dave, I'm going to cut his hair. Fetch
:43:09. > :43:11.
:43:11. > :43:18.the ball and the cheers! Nobody is going to go near him! That is
:43:18. > :43:23.immunity from kiddy fiddlers. I was not worried about paedophiles, it
:43:23. > :43:27.was 1988, and they did not exist. I lived in the country. The biggest
:43:27. > :43:31.threat to an eight-year-old boy was the red berries by the side of the
:43:31. > :43:38.road. Do not eat them, do not eat them! Someone ate them, his hands
:43:38. > :43:42.aloft, his feet fell off. Mum says he will never play twister again.
:43:42. > :43:47.Come over here and eat the snow, it is the only way. They warn you
:43:47. > :43:53.about things you would never do. Russell, never lick your fingers
:43:53. > :43:57.and go like that near a plug socket. Cheers, Mum. That wall has been
:43:58. > :44:03.giving me the look for the past week! You would never do these
:44:03. > :44:10.things. Russell, never put your pencils in your nose and smash your
:44:10. > :44:16.head on the desk. I had that planned, how did you know?! I love
:44:16. > :44:21.kids. I am very envious of them. I am not one of these people, but the
:44:21. > :44:25.children! Always at the computer. We would have done exactly the same,
:44:25. > :44:29.but our computer games were shit. Do you want to run around in the
:44:29. > :44:37.woods? I do not think so, I have got to get this from a cross a busy
:44:37. > :44:47.motorway. If this problems in the water, he will die, despite the
:44:47. > :44:51.
:44:51. > :44:57.I saw a child the other day that was bored. How can you be? You have
:44:57. > :45:05.got wheels in your shoes! I would like that now! I saw my cousin
:45:05. > :45:10.download music the other day. Click, click, got it. Thank you. When I
:45:10. > :45:19.needed music, I had to wait for fucking hours. Every Sunday evening,
:45:19. > :45:25.my fingers hovering over playing record. -- play and record. It is
:45:25. > :45:32.top 40 time. Let's do this shit. I am going to press play and record
:45:32. > :45:42.because I need to know all of the words too Informer. Don't let me
:45:42. > :45:44.
:45:44. > :45:49.down, fingers. Record his duck! Dad! -- record is stuck. I have all
:45:49. > :45:56.of the words to Charles and Eddie but that will not help. Look into
:45:56. > :46:03.my eyes, can you see they are open wide? Would I lie to you? He would
:46:03. > :46:10.never lie to you Charles! There are about 20 of you're laughing.
:46:10. > :46:13.Everybody else is like, what the fuck are you talking about? My
:46:13. > :46:18.cousin is six and I asked him what he wanted to be when he was all
:46:18. > :46:25.there and he said the unicorn. I asked why and he said that so that
:46:26. > :46:33.he could stab people with his head. He has a beautiful bring. He was
:46:33. > :46:43.looking at dues this on the cross and he said pour beer the man. --
:46:43. > :46:49.
:46:49. > :46:54.Jesus on the cross and he said that he felt sorry for the beer the man.
:46:54. > :47:00.He wondered if you like dog food and if you should give him some and
:47:00. > :47:04.I said not before I get my iPhone! He knows that I am always telling
:47:04. > :47:11.jokes. I saw him staring at a carton of orange. What are you
:47:11. > :47:18.doing? It says concentrate! Got you with my joke! You did get me, but
:47:18. > :47:24.you are not allowed to swear at people after my joke. That is my
:47:24. > :47:31.style. Violence! Ask me another. I don't want to. Fucking ask me
:47:31. > :47:38.another. All right, have you got another joke? Why is a pirate
:47:38. > :47:42.called a pirate? They are. Eat it! I like spending time with children.
:47:43. > :47:49.I don't want that to sound cheap but I do. It sounds terribly
:47:49. > :47:55.Michael Jackson, but... An excellent description. How is he?
:47:55. > :47:58.Terribly Michael Jackson. Talented but an ultimate weakness. I guess I
:47:58. > :48:04.am just envious of little families. I see them and I cannot wait to
:48:04. > :48:10.start one. I was round my friend's house and his daughter is amazing.
:48:10. > :48:16.She is two and we were eating food. She was stealing potatoes from my
:48:16. > :48:23.plate. But because she is two, she has not developed an inner
:48:23. > :48:28.monologue yet. She was saying out loud. Just stealing a potato! From
:48:28. > :48:35.Russell! She thought she had the entire world fault. This idiot has
:48:35. > :48:43.no idea. Look at him, going about his business, unaware that he is
:48:43. > :48:47.dealing with the potatoes dealing genius like me! -- potato stealing
:48:47. > :48:51.genius. It cheered me up and inspired me to write a list of all
:48:51. > :48:56.the things that cheer you up and you do not know why. I call it my
:48:56. > :49:03.list of joy and it goes like this. Hearing somebody dug into a
:49:03. > :49:08.swimming pool that is colder than they thought it was going to be. --
:49:08. > :49:18.jump in. The noise that of women make when they put food in front of
:49:18. > :49:25.
:49:25. > :49:29.them.! Watching a pigeon eating a massive slice of pizza. Watching a
:49:29. > :49:35.got a laugh. They are caught between two worlds. I love Satan
:49:35. > :49:41.but Darren has slipped over! Sweet- and-sour Pringle's. They are only
:49:41. > :49:47.annoying when you are watching a serious film at the cinema. They
:49:47. > :49:52.are so noisy. That means you have got to suck them instead.
:49:52. > :49:56.Stationery! It does not matter how all to get, if you get a new note
:49:56. > :50:00.pad, on the first page you have to do the neatest handwriting that you
:50:01. > :50:07.have got. You have to write in it like you are 12 years old. Five
:50:07. > :50:15.pages later, just make my pen work, you slag! Watching dogs near a fan
:50:15. > :50:20.going, why are my ears moving? The baby's face when they are eating a
:50:20. > :50:30.slice of orange. That is the first time you see the human brain going
:50:30. > :50:37.
:50:37. > :50:42.what the FA is this? -- what the Can I have another bit, please?
:50:42. > :50:50.Using the phrase, that is what she said in inappropriate situations.
:50:50. > :50:54.Watching your grand mal wake herself up by farting. Somebody
:50:54. > :51:01.saying something vaguely suggestive and reacting like Kenneth Williams.
:51:01. > :51:04.My back door is broken. Matron! Being on the quiet carriage of a
:51:04. > :51:09.train and receiving a text message that makes to explode with laughter.
:51:09. > :51:19.My brother, going on Dragons' Den with minute floor cleaning
:51:19. > :51:31.
:51:31. > :51:36.invention, the carpet luncher. -- munching machine. Your girlfriend's
:51:36. > :51:42.face when you suggest something for the kitchen. We should get a Blue
:51:42. > :51:49.Kettle and purple forks. No! There is a dream kitchen in my mind and
:51:49. > :51:53.you must not ruin it! The fact that no matter how all to get, if
:51:53. > :51:59.someone hands you a tennis racket, it is a guitar. -- how all did you
:51:59. > :52:09.get. Watching a woman apply make-up on a shaky train. Come on, you can
:52:09. > :52:13.
:52:13. > :52:16.do it! Bollocks! I am going to be late again, I look like a clown.
:52:17. > :52:24.Meeting one of your heroes and in delivering. I met John Cleese in a
:52:24. > :52:30.gymnasium in Montreal. There was a guy nearby who kept lifting weights
:52:30. > :52:35.and saying his own name. Nobody said anything because there was a
:52:35. > :52:45.very famous person in the room and then after five minutes, John
:52:45. > :52:45.
:52:46. > :52:51.Cleese said, do shut the FA Cup. -- the fuck up. Looking at your
:52:51. > :52:58.girlfriend when she is wearing your underwear. Oh, yes! It does not
:52:58. > :53:08.work the other way, apparently that is weird and creepy. Have you seen
:53:08. > :53:19.
:53:19. > :53:29.my song? No idea, baby. -- have you Where can your knickers be? God
:53:29. > :53:32.
:53:32. > :53:42.knows! Correct. That is the best �14 I have ever spent in my life.
:53:42. > :53:45.
:53:45. > :53:50.Size 18, it turns out I am quite a big girl. I got to junk in my trunk.
:53:50. > :53:54.Cotton buds, another nice thing. I don't think any man has ever bought
:53:54. > :54:04.cotton buds, but you cannot do not see them as a man and not put them
:54:04. > :54:07.
:54:07. > :54:12.in your ear. You are adopted, nice, but my head is squidgy. I will
:54:12. > :54:18.prove it. Even in the most intimate situations, you will lead to them.
:54:18. > :54:23.I was receiving a blow job, 16, and I have never felt so alive and
:54:23. > :54:32.lucky. She was beautiful and I felt like a flute. Obviously, I did not
:54:32. > :54:37.say that! You are the loveliest Pied Piper that I have ever seen!
:54:37. > :54:43.It was beautiful, really nice. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw
:54:43. > :54:50.some cotton buds. Oh, no. I knew what was going to happen. I could
:54:50. > :54:54.feel my evil hand. You know what I must do, muster. Yes. And while
:54:54. > :55:03.receiving a blow job, I know it is disgusting, I picked it up, I
:55:03. > :55:13.pushed it and I twiddled and I have never felt more essentially a live.
:55:13. > :55:23.-- alive. She was less happy, I grant you that! She looked like a
:55:23. > :55:34.
:55:34. > :55:37.Understandable, understandable rage. But I think the number one thing
:55:37. > :55:47.that cheers you up in life is hanging around with interesting
:55:47. > :55:55.people. God knows there are some doll -- boring barking people. My
:55:55. > :56:00.friend is a bore of energy. She has a new boyfriend and I asked how who
:56:00. > :56:10.was and she said bit of a weirdo but what can you do? Not go home
:56:10. > :56:11.
:56:11. > :56:18.with him? Why is he crazy? Then she said the sentence that only she can
:56:18. > :56:28.say. Sexually he is a Harry Potter fan. What do you mean sexually?
:56:28. > :56:32.
:56:32. > :56:42.Agreed? -- Harry Potter? Apparently at the point of orgasm, this man
:56:42. > :56:42.
:56:42. > :56:48.goes, expel a Armas. I asked what she did. And she'd just said, five