0:00:02 > 0:00:05Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Smokescreens & Castles,
0:00:05 > 0:00:08live at Westcliff's Palace Theatre!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Now, welcome to the stage, it's Russell Kane.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:22 > 0:00:28This programme contains strong language.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Evening, how are you doing, Southend? Are you all right?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:37People from Southend, give me a cheer.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39CHEERING
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Westcliff people, give me a cheer.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45MUTED CHEERING Yes, we don't cheer, it's rather base.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49People from outside the area, give me a cheer.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51RAUCOUS CHEERING
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Shit. What's that paving stone all about on the corner?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57"I don't know, mate, I'm not from your country."
0:00:57 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:03"It did not really relate to me, but I found it quite funny."
0:01:03 > 0:01:06He did a Nigerian accent. Panic, I'm not sure if we're safe. Panic!
0:01:06 > 0:01:11How many copies of the Guardian? He did a racial accent, cover me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15I thought you'd be artistic, it's an Edinburgh show. Heckle him with a quail's egg, he's a chav.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17It's been such a mixed year.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Having to rediscover life as a single man - can you believe that? I'm single again.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26I know, "Aw!" It's panto, why not? It's the right stage for it.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30It's horrible, there's all these pressures. You have to go dating to recover.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Why don't you just go out on a date and recover? All the Essex blokes,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36"If I was in your position. Stand up.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40"Yeah, kick 'em all in the van. I'd take 'em all out."
0:01:41 > 0:01:46So, Essex, I'm actually a bit disabled.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I'm so full of rape and hatred, I can't move.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:59My mum's here tonight to witness some of these stories. Awkward!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Awkward!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06I don't even have one, I've just got a Ken lump.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Let's begin the story, then. It's time for the formal humour.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Formal humour begins, ding!
0:02:14 > 0:02:19That's my old man in Banksy style. That's my mum, me and my brother James in a Wotsits box.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That's my dad looking over me, still scaring the shit out of me.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Get it right, prat!" "Sorry, Dad."
0:02:24 > 0:02:27"Not being funny, at the end of the day, does that make sense?"
0:02:27 > 0:02:30That's my mum. "Does that make sense?" Course it makes sense.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"I'm getting the early train, does that make sense?" Course it does!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Cos I'm not remedial, all right?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Does that make sens-s-s-s-e?"
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Why have I got a castle on the stage? Cos that was the nickname of my home from the neighbours.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47This is an Essex story, I live in Essex.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49My dad's from Leigh. But when he got my mum up the duff,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51she was over the border in Hertfordshire.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54We get a council house, fine.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Who grew up in a council house? Give me a cheer.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59CHEERING Quite different to a council flat.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Cos it's end of terrace, and then Thatcher passes a law that says,
0:03:03 > 0:03:08the white, working-class, cash-in-hand male, if he likes, if he so ...ing chooses,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11he can buy his own gaff. Wallop, crunch, right?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14And that's what my dad does. Immediately,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17alienating him from true chav neighbours.
0:03:17 > 0:03:23Yeah. It got nicknamed the castle, cos my dad, bearing in mind he's 18 stone and shaven-headed, hard,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Cockney, racist, Nick Griffin-loving...
0:03:25 > 0:03:29takes the JCB round the side, built an extension.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That's when the nickname begins, the castle.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36Then, what completely excluded us from the neighbours was when my dad took the JCB down the side,
0:03:36 > 0:03:41dug a 21ft long ditch in our back garden, 6ft one end, 5ft the other,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and sunk what into the garden of our former council home?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46A swimming pool, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Julie and Dave, my mum and dad, Julie, Dave,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53becoming Juliette and David overnight.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Their accents changing from the broad London accent
0:03:56 > 0:04:00to the pinched, Leigh-on-Sea, slightly try-hard Essex accent,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04which ironically sounds more moronic than the original, doesn't it?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Cos the vowels aren't fixed, but the end of the words make the effort.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You must hold in your head the image of the castle,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17not just for where I live, I mean, what's behind there?
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Do you think it's cold and empty in a castle? Of course not, it's warm, luxury inside, fires burning,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25it's just us, the peasants, never get to frickin' see it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29My dad was exactly the same - the outer granite wall, the ET lump of love -
0:04:29 > 0:04:32it's locked inside him, he never shows it. He only shows it
0:04:32 > 0:04:36to the Essex friends down the pub of the same age, after five Stellas.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42The love never coming out. That's the curse of these men - to want emotional acceptance
0:04:42 > 0:04:47with complete emotional illiteracy. That's why a lot of the racism and right-wing views are fake.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48It's just fear, fear of the other.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"Keep 'em out, boy, keep everyone out."
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Even having a Nick Griffin magnet on the fridge.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:59The lowest point was Nick Griffin on the fridge.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03A man so right wing, even his eye has collapsed to the right.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08The racism begins, doesn't it? Will that happen to me? Do all middle-aged men become right wing?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Will I at one stage just scrape the hummus from my body
0:05:10 > 0:05:12and go, "Right, let's be racist"?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15A lot of my left-wing views, I only got them to annoy my dad.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Some of you will be, "I always felt the call to be good. I went on visiting projects,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21"I just wanted to help others. It grew from inside me."
0:05:21 > 0:05:27I wish I could say that. Mine was pure... It is now, but it was purely to spite him in the beginning.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30"Yeah, I hate all these people." "I love them then, Papa."
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"Get 'em out!" "Let them in, everyone in!"
0:05:33 > 0:05:39So I just ended up in the garden covered in Tzatziki going, "Free Tibet! Eh-eh-ay!
0:05:39 > 0:05:40"Eh-eh-ay, free Tibet!"
0:05:40 > 0:05:43But now I'm left wing.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45No, I am, so we clash over everything.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47The Nick Griffin magnet. "I'm not racist, boy."
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Cos he sees himself on these programmes having the piss taken out of him by me.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56He gets the names of the programmes wrong. I know you do it on purpose, middle-aged men, to annoy your sons.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"When you're on that Mock Out Of Ten Apollos, boy...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"why do you make o-o-out,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06"why..." Three-syllable Essex "why" - W-A-Y?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08W-A-Y?
0:06:08 > 0:06:12"Why do you make o-o-out... I'm racist?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"Some of the things you... I'm not racist,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"but..." That's the danger word.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Nothing very good normally follows that comma, does it, Westcliff?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"I'm not racist, but..." That's like saying I'm not a rapist, but get in the van, get in!
0:06:25 > 0:06:30This is the latest one, innit? "Why do you make out I'm racist? I'm not." That's what my dad says.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35"All I want to do is have a sensible discussion about immigration, yeah?"
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:41"All I want to do is have a sensible little chat about..."
0:06:41 > 0:06:45No-one with that face wants a sensible discussion about anything.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Trust me, yeah.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50"Sensible little chat in the back of that Transit van over there...
0:06:50 > 0:06:55"and me and my brothers and the rest of your family, Mr Wullama-Wullama, however you pronounce it,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58"cos it ain't Smith, mate, let's face it, right?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"A little chat about immigra..." Listen,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I am very left wing cos the things I've experienced,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I can't stand homophobia, I can't stand racism, but I love democracy.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I love the fact there are people in this room thinking I am like that.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'm not slating you, saying you're wrong, I just disagree with you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Hurrah that you can express those views within the law
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and I can express mine and we can have a debate. But I wish you'd have the courage
0:07:18 > 0:07:21to go, "I use phrases like that, what I mean is people of colour offend me
0:07:21 > 0:07:24"and I don't want them here." Wouldn't it be refreshing
0:07:24 > 0:07:26just to hear the truth for once?
0:07:26 > 0:07:32That's why women should be in government, cos they can spot lies, no problem whatsoever.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36You can't even finish a lie. "I'm sorry I'm late..." "You're lying, Gary!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Let me finish the lie before you spot it, you psychic bitch!
0:07:41 > 0:07:47I know, cos it's... You've evolved the capacity cos of us pervy men, you have to spot our lies.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"Come in, come in." "I'm not trying to have sex with you, it's not about that tonight." "Come in."
0:07:51 > 0:07:56"Why don't we just... Look, rather than doing it, we'll just lie under the duvet together naked,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"with our bodies touching for the emotional experience of nakedness."
0:07:59 > 0:08:05Five minutes till you feel the no-handed kidney punch, girls. "What was that?"
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"Touch it, touch it."
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"Expelliarmus!" Never say that.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13"Anyway, don't worry about it."
0:08:13 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:19"All I want to do is have a sensible discussion, right?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:24And it's the same with the emotional language. These guys, we're not slating you, we love you.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27You're our dads, we know how much you love us,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31but how can someone have so much love and such inability to show it?
0:08:31 > 0:08:36My dad's like this, "Why do you make out when you're on that Mock Out Of Ten News quiz, right...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"why do you make out I'm not a loving father?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42"You do all this and it makes out I wasn't loving or I wasn't..."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Listen, there's a difference between love and loving, is there not?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Love, what any normal man in this room will feel for his offspring,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52no matter how of a shit dad he is, you cannot deny he loves it, right?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55But that's not the same. You know, "I love you, son.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00"I'd throw myself in front of a car for you. But I won't speak to you between the ages of 12 and 18."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:07Cos I'm emotionally retarded by my own dad, and in turn, I'm attempting to retard you.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Right?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12And that's not the same as "loving", is it, Dad?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It's not. And I've not got any of these memories.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"Stop it, Dad." We're playing football. "Stop kissing my head."
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"I can't help it, I love you. Me in goal next. Ha-ha!"
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I've not got any of those. I've got plenty of those -
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"Prat, clear it up!"
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"Why do you make out, why do you make o-o-out...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"I wasn't a loving father?"
0:09:34 > 0:09:37As pathetic as it is, I got excited, cos I'd never seen him like it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40He passes the age of 50 and he's changed so much.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I've come to the conclusion that's when men finish puberty.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46We're complete arseholes mostly until that point.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50"I'm 51, I've lost my car keys, I'm not going to smash up the living room. Brilliant!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:54It's an opportunity to relax. Puberty has finished.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59So I thought that's what happened, these apes suddenly chill out when they get into their 50s.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03He's got the Christmas hat on, it's Christmas Day, the eyes fill.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06It starts happening, these hard men have tears in their eyes.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09It never breaks lid, though. "Do not go onto cheek."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Show the love, take it back the next day.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13The love boomerang.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I love you... Not really, prick, not really.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:22What's coming? Every boy in the room, and you are all boys on the inside, you want to hear it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26If your dad's around, you want to hear it. As American and cringy as it is, you'd love to hear it
0:10:26 > 0:10:28just once. They can't say it, though.
0:10:28 > 0:10:34I think it's coming. Want to know what he actually said? "Why do you make out I'm not a loving father?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"I never fuckin' hit you." That was it.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:43That's all it takes, ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48As long as you don't close your fist and beat the little shit...
0:10:48 > 0:10:53there's no A-level clubs, no journeys, no fancy dress, no talent competition,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55no Alton Towers, just don't break its neck.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00And then I was laughing, like you guys on the inside, a bit disappointed,
0:11:00 > 0:11:05but then he carried on. I thought I've judged him too quickly. He went, "Do you know why I never hit you?"
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"Why, Daddy?" Cos secretly you mean "daddy".
0:11:07 > 0:11:12"Why, Dad? Why?" And he started... I thought it was going to be that overwhelming bond.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16You know, those in the room with kids, which will be hardly any of you, because comedy attracts
0:11:16 > 0:11:22childless people, we love it. "Let's have no children, let's laugh at everything, then die alone. Ha!"
0:11:22 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:28You're always telling us, you people with kids. Shut up! We don't want to hear it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32We're confused by the fact we don't have children. You don't even describe it. You're more annoying.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"When you hold that baby and it's your own, you'll know.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"I wish I could put it into words, but I simply can't."
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Get out of my fucking arse then, you smug bastard.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Don't describe the greatest happiness in life and...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Of course, I'm pretending to be a bit more against it than I am
0:11:47 > 0:11:51cos I've got no girlfriend, and there'll be people in the room...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Who...couples in the room, adult age,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56living together, choosing not to have children, give me a cheer.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01You are statistically the happiest people in the UK, according to a recent survey.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03But the smugness of us is even worse.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"We're not going to have kids. Why would we? Losers.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"I can't believe you lot getting up at six. Boring!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13"We're going to take joints till we're 50. Faliraki for ever!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16"Here come the cats. They're just like babies anyway. Stop it, cats.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20"Stop it. Here come the dogs. Stop licking my face, I'm lactating.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"Ha-ha-ha!"
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Anyway, I thought that's what my old man was going to come out with. Something like that.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Not in those words, but the overwhelming love. I'm assuming most
0:12:31 > 0:12:36mentally, genetically normal dads don't want to crush their children's skulls.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"Do you know why I never hit you?" I'm still holding on, pathetic, the 8-year-old boy on the inside.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"Do you know why I never hit you?" "Why, Dad?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:43And this is what he said.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"Cos if I'd started, I wouldn't have fuckin' stopped."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Murder. Murder!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53That's murder.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Take the child and punch it without stopping.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Do you know what'll happen? You'll kill it. It'll die.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03And what's weird is the look of pride on these men's face when they say it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"I wouldn't have fuckin' stopped, cos I'm that...
0:13:06 > 0:13:12"Ain't that impressive, boy, that I could've murdered you?" Not really, no, it's a bit worrying.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16And he backed it up with this. "I don't know my own strength." And walked out of the room.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Learn it, you nut-jobs, learn it!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Especially you lot around children. Have a weekend
0:13:21 > 0:13:25in Belfair Woods with some meat and metal hanging down, punching it,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29squeezing it. Come back with a realistic assessment of how strong you are.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Do you think any woman on the planet's going to be impressed if you show that type of strength?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"Mind if I hold the baby?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:40I popped its fucking head, I don't know my own strength.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44"You've destroyed my child, but you're very strong, Gary."
0:13:46 > 0:13:50The emotional illiteracy's wed to the physicality of the man.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54I could have looked like him, been post-feminist male and looked like him.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Cos I look like me, it doesn't have the impact.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You know what I mean, those of you that had...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01If there's any guys in the room had hard dads like mine.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He's a god when you're growing up, just a lump of meat god.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07The only thing you can hope for when you're a baby is to look like him,
0:14:07 > 0:14:08you don't have any other aspirations.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12"I want to physically resemble my dad, God in my eyes."
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Some of us, me and you, grow up to be photocopies of our mum.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19There's something emasculating about being a cross-gender lookalike.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I'm sorry. You should look a little bit like both parents.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It must be worse for you girls that look like your dads,
0:14:25 > 0:14:26don't get me wrong, that must be...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Here's the dad coming into the pub,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"I'll have a beer, and I'll have a white wine, my daughter's with me."
0:14:32 > 0:14:33"Here come the twins!"
0:14:36 > 0:14:38So I don't have any of my dad's six-foot,
0:14:38 > 0:14:4118-stone, steroid-using, muscle-rippling,
0:14:41 > 0:14:46curly fair hair, blue eyes - I got the dark hair of my mum, like.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49My dad, like when his hair eventually drops out, not one ripple,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52not two ripples, but three ripples of meat between head and neck!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54That's right, an Essex triple ripple!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"Want me to carry a brick? Sick it in my triple ripple!"
0:14:57 > 0:15:01There are friends of mine in tonight, speak to them in the bar afterwards,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'm not exaggerating, they used to take it in turns
0:15:03 > 0:15:05to have the courage to knock at my door,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08so imposing and terrifying was my dad.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Even the man's urine used to scare me as a child.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Remember the first time you see that horrible dark yellow dad wee
0:15:15 > 0:15:17that's been left in the night? Just left there.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Dad up to the toilet, naked.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Discharge urine, retreat, leave display for son.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26What is it?! Orange! Almost orange!
0:15:27 > 0:15:28With a film on it!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30With a film of oil! How manly...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Maybe a seagull in it. Awk!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Here's me with my clear stream of water.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43"Papa, I'm in the performing arts! I love them!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Imagine that. The only thing that trumps his racism is his homophobia.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50"Please don't let my son be one of those. Please, God bless.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"I'll do anything. I'd trade my whole disability for that, I really would."
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Always looking for evidence of my manliness.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"That's right, boy, get a trade."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"I think I'm going to read a Penguin Classic." "Is that a biscuit?"
0:16:00 > 0:16:02"Get a trade, boy, work with your hands.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"That's what men do." "No, Papa, I don't wish to."
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"You know, Julie, he's one of them." That's my mum.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13Everything about him, brutally manly. Even his answerphone message.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15That's what we do. We talk less as we get older.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Make the most of it now, 17 to 25-year-olds,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20because men's happiness is testosterone-related.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Testosterone depletes, along with hair, bones, eyes,
0:16:23 > 0:16:27and happiness, heading towards the chair of piss in the corner.
0:16:28 > 0:16:3130s, 40s, 50s, 60s,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34unexplained heart attack, death. Right?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Then the women suddenly come into their own again.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"Hooray, he's dead, how will I cope without him?! Oh, my God."
0:16:39 > 0:16:43"He sapped my confidence for 30 years, how will I ever get over it?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"Didn't even get a driving licence because he said I'd be shit.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"Didn't get out the house. Doesn't matter!"
0:16:48 > 0:16:52My dad's answerphone message is just his name. Just his fricking name!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Some of you guys in your 20s and 30s now,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57you just put a little comedy lift in at the end,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00just the traces of the personality you once had, eh?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04"This is Scott, leave a message, dink!" Just a little bit..
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Just a little lift.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07As you hang on to the last cells
0:17:07 > 0:17:11before you become a true miserable fuck for the rest of your life.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14And now my dad's answerphone message is now just his name, right.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17He even has the computer lady from Orange,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20she gets you ready to leave your message! Right?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21You know the one who was in a different mood
0:17:21 > 0:17:23when she recorded every number, that woman?
0:17:23 > 0:17:2507450 351.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27That one.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30At least do them... You've got ten numbers,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33do them in the same mood, you weird bitch, right?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36"I've had a cracking day, I've won a scratchcard.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37"Seven. See you tomorrow!"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"My husband left me. Oh."
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"Oh. Seven!"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48She does all the hard work. He comes in,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50shouts just his name, and sods off again.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It's one of the most depressing proofs of everything
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I'm discussing tonight, when I phone my dad's mobile and have to hear,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00"I'm sorry, but..." "DAVE!" "..is not available to take your call."
0:18:00 > 0:18:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Anyone who's 17 in the room, give me a cheer.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13SCATTERED CHEERS Loads of you. Any of those blokes?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Because you're the ones that are going to have the problem, right?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Cos you're about to choose your first car. I don't even care
0:18:19 > 0:18:22if you've been working since the age of 14 in a Saturday job
0:18:22 > 0:18:26and saved up every penny for yourself, right, to pay for that car.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31If the alpha male is around, just let him buy it. Have no input.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Don't even comment. Everything will be a test. Because whatever you buy,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36right, whatever you choose, "Wee pile of shit."
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"Death trap." "Waste of money."
0:18:38 > 0:18:40My dad said when he saw my Vauxhall Corsa, right,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43he walked up to it and went, "You'll die in that." And walked off.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Total review. "You'll die in it."
0:18:47 > 0:18:53Even managing to be racist about cars! WTF, right?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56He said, "Do not bring Jap crap onto my driveway.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"I will not repair Crapanese..." - Crapanese! -
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"I will not repair Crapanese shit."
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Cos he's got his man's vehicles, in't he?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10The white van, the Transit full of tools, Swarfega, rivets, yeah?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Spanners. "What's the difference between a Phillips and a slot?"
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"I don't know, Papa!" "Get out of me house!"
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Slot, Phillips, slot, Phillips, slot, Phillips.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20WAILS
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Got the white van, powered by diesel, of course.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25What else would it be powered by?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Diesel is the fuel of men. GROWLS
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And then eventually, eventually, after years of manual labour,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33hard work and saving, he gets the dream car.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36The black diesel automatic Mercedes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38What, bought on credit?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Don't be ridiculous. Rely on no-one.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Save for years until all pleasure is removed from the future purchase!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Only then are you ready to buy the thing
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and fricking hate it because you had to save for it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You broke me, you broke me!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55That diesel, of course - he even sounds like diesel, my dad.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I bet if my mum has any sex toys, they're probably powered by diesel.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Rrrrr! "That'll go for hours, Julie, and burn no fuel."
0:20:08 > 0:20:10And, er... He sounds...
0:20:10 > 0:20:14When he's formulating his next right-wing thought - "Rrrrr...
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"Polish go home!" Right?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22And I choose the car that's caused the biggest arguments ever -
0:20:22 > 0:20:23the Toyota Prius.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Look at the intakes of breath from some of the Garys and Daves in the room.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"Fucking waste of money, load of shit..." Right?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32What harm am I doing anyone?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34You can be as angry as you like about green taxes,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36if you don't believe in climate change,
0:20:36 > 0:20:37fair play, you've got a point.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I'm doing no-one any harm if I want to waste my money
0:20:39 > 0:20:41on a half-electric, half-petrol car
0:20:41 > 0:20:44and drive to the airport five times a year, fly to Australia,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47but look, I'm going home in my hybrid, right?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50At worst, I'm a hypocrite, but the anger it draws from my dad!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"Why do you want to drive that shit, boy?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"You're a comedian, you can have anything you want, for the birds,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"and impress them. And you drive a car that's..."
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Not only is it half petrol, right,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04that alone is Glee boxset enough, right? Yeah?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07But it's half electric.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09The noise it used to make when I drive off from Sunday lunch.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Even that would have been, "See you next week for lunch, Papa."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14MIMICS WEAK CAR ENGINE "That's my fricking boy in there!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"That's my boy in there!" Yeah? SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:21:17 > 0:21:21"Why not have Liza Minnelli hanging out the exhaust, get it over with?"
0:21:21 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Are there any Prius drivers in the room? Any?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29No, they won't put their hands up. "Just think of the planet and the energy I'd be using.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32"Stop the car! A daisy grows. Look!"
0:21:32 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:38"Wait, here's a tramp. Suckle from me, suckle from me!"
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And I crashed it. 70mph. Bang, po-pom!
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I was on the hard shoulder, called my mum straightaway. "You all right, Russ?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"Let us know you're OK. Call me from casualty, call me..."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Nothing from my dad. Nothing! Not even a text message.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53All right, maybe he couldn't manage it with his primordial stumps.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55HE GRUNTS
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Why do men of this age just stop texting? Why, what's wrong with you?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03It's cos we can't spell... HE ROARS
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Right?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I was dreading turning up in a courtesy car.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14The courtesy car was a purple Nissan Micra. This did not help me!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17If he wants to think it, I just play to it now.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21"I dropped my keys. Sorry, Daddy!" LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Nothing! And do you know the weirdest thing of all?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26He was waiting at the front of the property, going...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28He was waiting like that. He was waiting to greet me.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30He didn't know what time I was arriving.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Those of you that grew up with a dad like mine, if you are now an adult,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35count - you'll need one hand - the amount of times
0:22:35 > 0:22:40the alpha comes out of the nest to greet you upon arrival. It does not happen.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Yeah, my mum comes out, you must go inside to seek out the alpha.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48In study or garden or office. Often with silver back facing you as you approach, like that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52MIMICS GORILLA GRUNTS
0:22:54 > 0:22:56You have to chuck a poo to show he's dominant.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58HE MIMICS MONKEY CHATTERING
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Not this time, though. He was there, chest facing me, waiting to greet me.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Yeah, I know this is bad. It was mock... It was mock love. I could see the smile on his face.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14He'd pre-prepared what he wanted to say. Probably been thinking about it since Thursday.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It's Sunday, and I got out the car. "Hi, Dad, just turn that techno off."
0:23:17 > 0:23:19HE MIMICS THUMPING BASS
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"Oh, my God! Woo!"
0:23:21 > 0:23:24He was in this sort of, you know, Boycie, Superman position like that.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29The first noise was a laugh, like a machine gun. "Ha-ha-ha-ha." Like that.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"Ha-ha-ha-ha." I swear to God, this is what he came out with.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34He must have been preparing it for about three days.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38He just said this, turned around and went straight into the hallway.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"Ha-ha-ha-ha, crashed the Toyota Prius?" "Yes, Dad."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"Well, it's zero emissions now, innit, boy?"
0:23:44 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Went abroad to Australia.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56You know, I got to fly first class for the first time, right?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59It's unbelievable, guys. Has anyone flown first or business?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02It's better then you can fricking imagine. There's an unlimited buffet.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06That's the thing that shocked me when I walked in. Tray of unlimited food.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09A table of it. Boof, like that.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12What's the thought of most people in this room when you see a buffet?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15And I'm not talking about Iceland prawn rings, right? I'm talking...
0:24:15 > 0:24:19This is champagne, caviar, the works. First class, as much as you can get down you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Everyone in this room is thinking, "Nick it, nick it, fill the pockets."
0:24:23 > 0:24:25But you can't! You're about to get on a plane.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28My old man, Dad, has trained me and James, my brother.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31He trained us on all-you-can-eat Chinese. We were trained on it!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Because of my energy levels, I've always been able to eat a freakish amount of food.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36I've always looked young for my age.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39So when I was 12, I was tiny but I could eat a man's meal.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44The pride on my dad's face that I could do 'em over for the £7.95 child's price.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49He used to make me stretch in the garden. "Stretch boy, fucking stretch! Stretch!
0:24:49 > 0:24:53"I'll show that prick children's prices. We'll do 'em right over."
0:24:53 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"Here comes the prawn crackers.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"No, thanks, mate, we're not idiots. No, thank you!"
0:24:58 > 0:25:02All right? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I've got all that going through my mind. All-you-can-eat buffet, and I thought, "I've got one option here.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11"I've got to call my mum and share it with her."
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I can't yet afford to do ridiculous things like that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I can't fly my mum to Australia, I can't afford it.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20So I got my mum up on the old laptop. Vring, like that.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25One of our recent, lovely three days we spent together was teaching my mum
0:25:25 > 0:25:29how to use a laptop from scratch. Anyone else had that...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32joyous experience, right? LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Most middle-aged ladies in this room, if you can use a computer, you've been taught by the...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Middle-aged men - "Wasn't invented when I was young, doesn't count.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44"Clearly, it's not important if it didn't exist when I was in my prime."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Right? But women, "I want to learn it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51"Helena's on the internet, and Lynn. Helena and Lynn, Lynn and Helena!"
0:25:51 > 0:25:54HE CHUCKLES I wanted her there, right? So I bought my mum a laptop.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58She cried with happiness, cos it was main present, main, main present!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"I can't believe you got me a laptop."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Listen, I'm not a violent man at all. LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I'm a gentle, silly human being. It's why I've got into theatre.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10However, those three days where I... LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13..taught Mum laptop through on button, internet, Facebook, Twatter...
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And she still calls it "Twatter"!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Is the closest I've ever come to closing my fists, right,
0:26:22 > 0:26:27and unleashing a punch so powerful into the side of someone's head.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31You know, so that it detaches without any blood, like in a kung fu movie?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Ding-ding! With the same expression on her face.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38"What does a space-bar put into a document?" "Space, bitch!" Boof!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"What did you think it was, a semicolon?!"
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Kicking the torso afterwards.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48So I did it. I'm in first class, I'm fine, taught my mum how to use Skype.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50She's on the old Skype and everything.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55"Get me on Skype, Russ," or "Sky-pe" as she calls it. "Get me on the Sky-pe," right?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Open it up, and there's my mum with her eye right against the webcam.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01"Russ, Russ!" LAUGHTER
0:27:01 > 0:27:03APPLAUSE Like I'm in it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Like I'm IN it! "Someone shrunk my son! He's in there and he's tiny!"
0:27:08 > 0:27:13Like I was a little computer man. "Mommy, help me! "Mo-o-ommy!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"I've become data, Mommy!"
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"Back up, Mum, back up!" She backed away from it.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23You know, like, when a rainforest villager has seen...
0:27:23 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER ..seen a tractor for the first time like that.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Right? My mum's like, "Russ, Russ, show us, what's first class like?"
0:27:34 > 0:27:38This is the chavviest thing, almost endearing, depending on where you come from.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I didn't know how to put it into words, so with everyone else
0:27:41 > 0:27:45from first class looking on at a table they barely noticed,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I just flipped my computer round and Skyped the entire buffet to my mum.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:53"Go back, Russ. Go back! Go back, go back."
0:27:53 > 0:27:56"Go back." She's like, "Go back, go back, go back!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"Elaine, Elaine, get over 'ere!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"The fucker has got unlimited salmon. Unlimited!"
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Like I said before, I know I'm all lefty, it's all a bit cosy,
0:28:09 > 0:28:13those of you who read the Daily Mail would like to beat me up with it outside after the gig.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Stand up for your rights. Could someone, please, explain to me,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19someone who's quite right-wing, or racist as my dad is,
0:28:19 > 0:28:21naturally disbelieves climate change?
0:28:21 > 0:28:26There is no link whatsoever between hating brown and black people
0:28:26 > 0:28:27and not being into recycling.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29If you must be racist, be racist,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32but put a bit of recycling out, we're all on the same...
0:28:32 > 0:28:35You can literally be in the middle of a lynching with your white hood
0:28:35 > 0:28:40and a crossbow, you go, "Do you mind if we delay the hanging, I've got to go down the bottle bank."
0:28:40 > 0:28:42LAUGHTER
0:28:42 > 0:28:45If anything, you would think that recycling appealed to the racist mind -
0:28:45 > 0:28:49tin in one bag, paper in another bag, card in a separate bag.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Everything in its different groups.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53APPLAUSE
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Off to the incinerator.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03Then there's the garage, there's a sociology of garages, isn't there?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05What's it like in Westcliff and Southend -
0:29:05 > 0:29:06parking is horrible, isn't it?
0:29:06 > 0:29:10Bit of off-street, they've got off-street and a garage.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15# Off-street and a ga-a-a-a-arage, boy. #
0:29:15 > 0:29:18There's the middle-class garage, plenty of space, isn't it?
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Look how wide it is, you can park the car,
0:29:20 > 0:29:22you can come back past the lawnmower, close it with a button,
0:29:22 > 0:29:23in though the hallway,
0:29:23 > 0:29:26past achievements of son, achievements of daughter,
0:29:26 > 0:29:28into the kitchen, relax by the Aga, you've got all afternoon.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Then there's the working-class garage,
0:29:31 > 0:29:35you've got to lock yourself inside it, pull the bit of blue string down
0:29:35 > 0:29:38that's been there for about ten years.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40You're trapped inside your own garage.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Anyone had that garage where you're trapped inside?
0:29:43 > 0:29:44You've got to do the Irish dance.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46LAUGHTER
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Remember, part of these men, they want you to scratch their car,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51they fantasise about you scratching it.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55"Please, let me find a rusty scratch that he's done on it, please, God."
0:29:55 > 0:29:57So you've got to go past it in your jeans with your spiky bits on -
0:29:57 > 0:30:02look, there's a patch of oil, why not tread into it, broken ankle, aah!
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Past the spare freezer, the second freezer full of more meat.
0:30:05 > 0:30:10Yeah, more meat frozen, in case the primary supply of meat runs out.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12"But, Papa, I'm vegetarian."
0:30:12 > 0:30:14"Move to Brighton, put me out of my suffering!"
0:30:14 > 0:30:18LAUGHTER
0:30:18 > 0:30:19Into the kitchen, it's my mum's domain,
0:30:19 > 0:30:23there she is, moving around like me, got the same energy - meerkat.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Always awake, always up for duty, Mr Muscle, Dettol, scrub it,
0:30:26 > 0:30:28scrub it, scrub it, nothing left.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Scrub it, there's still shit in it, there's still shit in it!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35That's my mum with the Essex accent, same as me.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Quite precise, a lot of us will have it in this room,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41it's an uncomfortable part of the show for us when we realise,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44cos we think we speak a bit better than everyone else, an' that.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46It's a castle accent. The way Essex words form...
0:30:46 > 0:30:49The reason we're perceived as so unfriendly is it's quite
0:30:49 > 0:30:52an unfriendly accent, there's words with walls around them.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Not like the London accent, which is open, quite rolling,
0:30:54 > 0:30:56inviting everyone in, not finishing words,
0:30:56 > 0:30:58very rarely get to the end of my sent... Right?
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Essex people have moved out.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06The London accent, different to the Essex accent,
0:31:06 > 0:31:08the London accent is the only one in the United Kingdom
0:31:08 > 0:31:12that becomes friendlier the more it's shouted, do you know what I mean?
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Are there any Cockneys in, any proper Cockneys?
0:31:14 > 0:31:17The louder it gets, the freaking friendlier I sound.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Any other accent, Welsh.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21WELSH ACCENT: Rolling, mellifluous, honey-like,
0:31:21 > 0:31:24friendly, musical, wonderful, fits with the speaker.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27But the moment it's shouted...
0:31:27 > 0:31:29WELSH ACCENT: Incredibly frightening!
0:31:29 > 0:31:30LAUGHTER
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Same with a Glaswegian accent.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Say what you like, it can be quite trustworthy,
0:31:34 > 0:31:35like a mate when it's speaking.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39When it gets angry, you don't want to fucking hear it!
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Any accent, except the London accent,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45which, when shouted, even with an aggressive face, is friendly.
0:31:45 > 0:31:50You feel like I'm about to wheel on a tray of bargains, like that.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54I will nick it back from you in the car park, though.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55But the flip side is also true.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57If an accent is friendly,
0:31:57 > 0:32:00the London accent is friendly with an aggressive face while shouting,
0:32:00 > 0:32:01the reverse is also true.
0:32:01 > 0:32:06The moment it becomes polite, or a little bit friendly...
0:32:06 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Isn't it fucking menacing, yeah?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14APPLAUSE
0:32:19 > 0:32:22But we can slag all of these accents off - at least they fit together,
0:32:22 > 0:32:23unlike our accent.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Even the posh accent, I know most of us find it offensive,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28its traces of privilege, it's very unfriendly,
0:32:28 > 0:32:32the vowels are tight, the consonants are tight, my body language is tight,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35"I don't know you, you don't know me, clean my house, go back to Poland."
0:32:35 > 0:32:37LAUGHTER
0:32:37 > 0:32:41Every vowel is in Essex, "Do you want a sambucaaaaa?"
0:32:41 > 0:32:45"Do you want a sambuca, Kell-yyy?"
0:32:45 > 0:32:47They're stolen from Wales, any Welsh people in?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50We've got your vowels, we stole them in Essex, we're running out,
0:32:50 > 0:32:54quickly, run across the bridge, take your £5.50, you prick.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Into Cardiff, see you late-e-er!
0:32:57 > 0:33:01They're just left in Wales going, "ch, ch, ch!"
0:33:01 > 0:33:03"Ch....!"
0:33:05 > 0:33:06LAUGHTER
0:33:09 > 0:33:11In my mum's domain, the kitchen.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13With the Essex microwave.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16The first generation of working people, we had the posh possessions.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20My mum and dad... Why shouldn't we now that we've got cash in hand,
0:33:20 > 0:33:22the '80s are finished, got a bit of dosh,
0:33:22 > 0:33:24we'll get our black tarmac driveway
0:33:24 > 0:33:26with a sprinkling of white pebble dash.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29It's nearly the '90s, let's scatter white pebble dash.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31I don't even understand these fashions.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Then into the dining room, oh, look, it's the dining room,
0:33:34 > 0:33:35welcome to the dining room.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Who's got a dining room? Cheer if you've got a separate dining room.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40CHEERING Loads of you have! It's a rarity.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44These old properties round here, we've got them. My dad built one.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Some of you are cheering and you don't mean it,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49cos you've caught knock-it-through disease from the generation before.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52There used to be one, let's knock it through, it's an archway.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Why get together as a family and eat when we can knock it through?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Have one big space with a telly at the end
0:33:57 > 0:33:59so we can watch it even when eating.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Knock it though.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03You haven't still got bedrooms?
0:34:03 > 0:34:06We knocked the floors off, the loft off, knocked the walls in,
0:34:06 > 0:34:09I'm in the garden, knocked it, knocked it. The house is gone.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13We knocked it down, knocked it, I can see Kent. Bit rainy, but I can see Kent.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Knocked the lot, knocked down.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18And that's my mum's ideal home.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Why would you want an old house when you can have a new-build?
0:34:21 > 0:34:22"Oh, Russ, a new-build, right?"
0:34:24 > 0:34:26"Why would you want character? It smells."
0:34:26 > 0:34:29That would be her ideal house, just a giant, magnolia cube
0:34:29 > 0:34:32with her in the corner going like that.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33LAUGHTER
0:34:33 > 0:34:36With one Ikea halogen spotlight so powerful
0:34:36 > 0:34:40that it burns your corneas out of your skull when you look at it.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Five Glade plug-ins in every wall, five.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Five, so if you so much as sniff their coniferous freshness
0:34:48 > 0:34:50your nose bleeds.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54"How clean it is, Russ, it hurts, how clean it is."
0:34:54 > 0:34:55Blinking your eyes.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00We've lost something though by not getting together once a day for dinner.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02I know we can't with how busy we are,
0:35:02 > 0:35:04but we have lost something, don't you think?
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Getting together once a day for a verbal argument then food.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12Even to this day, if I hear, "You're fucking useless!" I fancy a sandwich.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16Who invented the equation of overly posh dining room table,
0:35:16 > 0:35:19working class family, who? What a cruel...
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Why couldn't we have had a piece of shit to eat our dinner off?
0:35:21 > 0:35:25Why did we have to have solid mahogany, £300 worth,
0:35:25 > 0:35:28oh, hunt for a scratch, hunt for a scratch.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30# Hunt for a scratch Hunt for a scratch, hunt, hunt,
0:35:30 > 0:35:32# Hunt for a scratch
0:35:32 > 0:35:34# Hunt for a scratch so the son may break his hands. #
0:35:34 > 0:35:35LAUGHTER
0:35:35 > 0:35:38# Dreaming of a scratch in the mahogany table
0:35:38 > 0:35:40# I'm dreaming of a scratch...#
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I'm eight years old, I can't even use my limbs yet, what's for dinner, Dad?
0:35:43 > 0:35:48"It's spaghetti, on a mechanical spoon." Drrrrr.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52I'm surprised the face of Christ did not appear in the leaf of the table.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55"Get the leaf out, Eileen and Ivan are coming over,
0:35:55 > 0:35:59"get the leaf out, more table for you to scratch."
0:35:59 > 0:36:01I wouldn't have been surprised if I came in
0:36:01 > 0:36:05and the face of Jesus was going, # Ah-eh-eh-a-oh, I'm Dave's table. #
0:36:05 > 0:36:07LAUGHTER
0:36:07 > 0:36:11I would rather have eaten cat biscuits on the fricking floor.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15With Albert the Burmese...
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Albert the Burmese cat, by the way, for those of you, not a tiny...
0:36:19 > 0:36:24Imagine that, "Thank you for freeing me from oppression, but..."
0:36:24 > 0:36:26"May I eat at the table?"
0:36:26 > 0:36:29"You may not, you will eat biscuits on the floor!
0:36:29 > 0:36:31"You're lucky to be here."
0:36:36 > 0:36:39For my nan, my nan's the head of that side of the family.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41There's two types of family, isn't there?
0:36:41 > 0:36:43And this is not class-related, for once.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45There's castle family, with walls, keeping everything in,
0:36:45 > 0:36:47and there's open family.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51Open family, sometimes the poorer family, cos they don't care about the material.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54That's my mum's side of the family - some of us are on disability benefit,
0:36:54 > 0:36:56some of us don't have the same dad, but who cares?
0:36:56 > 0:36:59When the shit hits the fan, we're there for each other. Love is the gel.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Then there's the castle family, my dad.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03"Do not give in to anyone, make your own wealth.
0:37:03 > 0:37:08"Even your own brother, if he asks you for anything, is a ponce.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09"I'm sorry, I've done this on my own,
0:37:09 > 0:37:13"close the walls, die alone, rule Britannia."
0:37:13 > 0:37:17My dad's castle family and my mum's non-castle family, led by my nan.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20That's my nan, my beautiful, glorious nan,
0:37:20 > 0:37:24I wish, I wish. There's a few people I wish was here today to see this,
0:37:24 > 0:37:27and she's one of them. She should be here -
0:37:27 > 0:37:30my nan was only 39 years old when I was born, for Christ's sake.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Look at the maths going through the head of the posh people.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36"39, that doesn't work out - how did she do her gap year?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38"Why does he exaggerate, why?"
0:37:38 > 0:37:40LAUGHTER
0:37:40 > 0:37:42"Go on, Olivia, it's time for your gap year."
0:37:42 > 0:37:45"I'll go to Africa. Brown person, photo, and home again."
0:37:45 > 0:37:46LAUGHTER
0:37:46 > 0:37:50"Poverty is so boring, I'm going to go to Oxbridge now, Mummy."
0:37:51 > 0:37:54My nan was 39, we're a family of young breeders,
0:37:54 > 0:37:56I've bucked the trend.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00They are, my mum was a kid when she had me,
0:38:00 > 0:38:02my nan was a kid when she had my mum, blah, blah, blah.
0:38:02 > 0:38:03But my nan, of course, isn't here
0:38:03 > 0:38:06because she had the Embassy filter, bottle of vodka disease.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Not Embassy, Embassy filter, you can get through 60 a day.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12A much shorter, quicker route to cancer.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14A bottle of vodka, drink it every day.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15She did survive, amazingly,
0:38:15 > 0:38:18I swear, she must have kicked death out the door about five times.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20"It's Death." "You want to come in, do you?"
0:38:20 > 0:38:23"Or do you want to get out, and take your scythe with you, you prick!"
0:38:23 > 0:38:25"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "That's right, dickhead."
0:38:25 > 0:38:29At the end, so hard, so hard these women, these working-class women.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Nothing left at the end, just a stick.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35She weighed four stone at the end, I still wouldn't have crossed her.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Four stone, just a few cells, some egg eyes,
0:38:38 > 0:38:40and then hair like a Latvian imported firework,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42just coming out of her head.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Just anger. Like a Pepperami, that's what she was like at the end.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Swearing.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50The wheelchair,
0:38:50 > 0:38:55she got a wheelchair from the NHS which she left folded, scornfully...
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Have you known anyone who can choose not to use a wheelchair out of anger?
0:38:58 > 0:38:59"Fuck it."
0:38:59 > 0:39:05She would pull herself along the street, one millimetre at a time.
0:39:05 > 0:39:10On rage alone, "I hate life, but I really need biscuits."
0:39:11 > 0:39:14My nan talked about everything as well, talk about sex,
0:39:14 > 0:39:16talk about religion, talk about drugs.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Drugs weren't hidden at my nan's house, right,
0:39:18 > 0:39:20so...I'm not going to go much further than that,
0:39:20 > 0:39:24we've got some friends in the room, she was a cool nan's to hang out at.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26But what it did was - some of you now looking judgementally -
0:39:26 > 0:39:29is it took away the mystery of all that shit quicker.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34Whereas the British model is a castle model, suppress, prevent, prevent, that will get rid of.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Of course it won't, that's not how the British mind works.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38The more you push us at one end, up we come at the other,
0:39:38 > 0:39:41the same with our young people.
0:39:41 > 0:39:46That's my dad, "if I ever smell any of that Jamaican shit in my house..."
0:39:46 > 0:39:48LAUGHTER
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I just want to smoke the biggest joined ever rolled in humanity
0:39:51 > 0:39:53just to piss him off, do you know what I mean?
0:39:53 > 0:39:55My nan was like, "I don't want you to take it,
0:39:55 > 0:39:59"but tell me what you've taken, we'll have a discussion, we'll have a cup of tea."
0:39:59 > 0:40:03My beautiful nan, and my loving dad, all that love,
0:40:03 > 0:40:06how can all that love be mixed up with all that sadness?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08You men in the room, working hard jobs,
0:40:08 > 0:40:11you will die ten to 15 years before the posh fuckers
0:40:11 > 0:40:12cos you've worked so hard.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14What a horrible statistical fact,
0:40:14 > 0:40:16you lifting, nail-knocking, lagging -
0:40:16 > 0:40:20That's what my dad does, puts lagging on the outside of pipes,
0:40:20 > 0:40:21in boiler rooms, fibreglass, asbestos -
0:40:21 > 0:40:23will peg it earlier. Why work, then?
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Out of love, out of the need to provide,
0:40:25 > 0:40:30some primal drive to provide love and material wealth for the offspring.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31Brilliant.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Then why, as you hand over that plasticky piece of tat
0:40:34 > 0:40:37I've been begging for since October, or the school shoes that I need,
0:40:37 > 0:40:42why do you have to provide the little cancerous bit of sadness with it at the same time?
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Oh, constantly reminding us how shit it was for you
0:40:45 > 0:40:47at an equivalent stage.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49I've got a visual imagination.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51"There we are boy, take your toys,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54"remember, I rocked back and forth with nothing."
0:40:54 > 0:40:56LAUGHTER
0:40:56 > 0:40:59"And in some way you can't understand, it's your fault."
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Christmas, Christmas brings out the worst in these men, with their,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08with their fucking, "I never even had a dad."
0:41:08 > 0:41:10That's their favourite, isn't it?
0:41:10 > 0:41:12# I never even had a dad
0:41:12 > 0:41:13# I never even had a dad, dad
0:41:13 > 0:41:16# Never had a dad, I never had a dad
0:41:16 > 0:41:18# You don't know how lucky you are
0:41:18 > 0:41:21# I never even had a dad. #
0:41:21 > 0:41:24How many times I wanted to go, "You lucky bastard."
0:41:24 > 0:41:27LAUGHTER
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Coming into the bedroom one Christmas, there I am,
0:41:30 > 0:41:33the reason this one, my poor old mum sticks in my head...
0:41:33 > 0:41:34This is the nan on the other side
0:41:34 > 0:41:38who died nice and young from a horrible disease just to add to the guilt and misery.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Always, you'd find me on Christmas, hat skew-whiff,
0:41:41 > 0:41:43the sixth Stella is in the chamber,
0:41:43 > 0:41:47time to find the son to put a tragic image of my childhood.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51I'm surrounded by piles and piles of spoilt-bastard plastic,
0:41:51 > 0:41:53I'm full of turkey and trifle, I'm in bliss.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55I'm also cursed with a visual imagination
0:41:55 > 0:41:57and can't bear to think of that little, blonde boy
0:41:57 > 0:41:59in pain or alone when he was a kid.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01I hate thinking of my dad as a boy being hurt.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04It's a horrible thought. He'd always find me, and come and go,
0:42:04 > 0:42:06"Got all the toys you want, have you, boy? Yeah?"
0:42:08 > 0:42:09"Good, I'm glad you're happy."
0:42:09 > 0:42:12This one sticks in my head, because it's so surreal, the image,
0:42:12 > 0:42:14and the angle he delivered it at.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16"I'm glad you're happy at Christmas."
0:42:16 > 0:42:18He went out diagonally, like that.
0:42:18 > 0:42:22As though to fully penetrate my inner emotional core
0:42:22 > 0:42:23with an arrow, right?
0:42:23 > 0:42:27And he was sort of like a phantom in the half-light of the hall.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29I knew it was coming. I'm 10 years old. He went,
0:42:29 > 0:42:32"I'm glad you're happy, boy, but I want you to know one thing.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36"I was seven the first time I tried an egg."
0:42:36 > 0:42:40And then went out. LAUGHTER
0:42:42 > 0:42:45A powdered egg memory, out of nowhere! So poor, he never...
0:42:45 > 0:42:48This was another one. "The first time I tried a fizzy drink...
0:42:48 > 0:42:50"I fucking cried."
0:42:52 > 0:42:55The one thing that made him happy... Was it football? Was it rugby?
0:42:55 > 0:42:58Was it his son's surprising academic achievement,
0:42:58 > 0:43:00given the brims down and level of... HE MIMICS HOUSE MUSIC
0:43:00 > 0:43:02..MDMA Ibiza action? Right?
0:43:03 > 0:43:04Was it any of that?
0:43:04 > 0:43:09There's only one substance that drew together father and son. One event.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12Curry. The Akash, Potter's Bar.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16The only time I ever saw a smile on that man's face, yeah?
0:43:16 > 0:43:19The only thing he's passionate about is Bangladeshi cuisine.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21"Fucking curry, boy." I've got not a single Alton Towers story.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23I don't have a football practice story.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25I don't have a school play story,
0:43:25 > 0:43:27I don't have a Disney World story.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29I've got loads of brilliant stories about The Akash, though.
0:43:29 > 0:43:3310th birthday, new job, band week - takeaway from The Akash.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36He cried when it closed.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Cried full-fat tears.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Right down over his silver fur on his back
0:43:41 > 0:43:43and down to his primordial fists.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47Curry - different man. Different man!
0:43:47 > 0:43:48Bad week, takeaway from The Akash.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Good week, into The Akash. Cried when it closed.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53HE SOBS "The Akash is closed, boy!
0:43:53 > 0:43:54"It's closed!"
0:43:54 > 0:43:58More then he cried over anything I've ever done. How hurtful!
0:43:58 > 0:44:01"The Akash is closed! That's real pain!
0:44:01 > 0:44:02"That's real pain, boy!"
0:44:02 > 0:44:04"My bone's hanging out!"
0:44:04 > 0:44:06"Don't matter, The Akash..."
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Every meal started with an argument.
0:44:08 > 0:44:09We've got no religion.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11It's very rare to find religious families these days.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14You religious families, you're saying grace before dinner.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17"Thank you, God, for this food we are about to receive."
0:44:17 > 0:44:19But we don't.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22What's replaced grace in a working-class family,
0:44:22 > 0:44:24bit of a ROW before we eat, yeah?
0:44:24 > 0:44:25Bit of a row, slag each other off,
0:44:25 > 0:44:28damage your son's confidence, and eat.
0:44:29 > 0:44:30My dad is a hero.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32The whole story is an homage to him.
0:44:32 > 0:44:34But this is a particular hero memory.
0:44:34 > 0:44:36You've got different hero memories.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39Maybe your dad's wealthy, maybe he's spiritual,
0:44:39 > 0:44:41maybe he's intellectual. Whatever.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43Hopefully, you all have a moment when you go,
0:44:43 > 0:44:45"That's the day my dad came through for me."
0:44:45 > 0:44:47And this is my one. The Akash.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49We're there and a fight breaks out.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51There had already been quite a lot of tension in the air,
0:44:51 > 0:44:53because we'd had our traditional arguments.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56My 10th birthday, I'm allowed to order shashlik for the first time.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58My first time of being allowed to order a sizzler.
0:44:58 > 0:45:02£12.95, five bits of meat, yeah? Fuckin' what?!
0:45:03 > 0:45:06The sizzler. Who loves the sizzler when they're out for a curry?
0:45:06 > 0:45:09You can hear it. It's the only dish where it's in the kitchen,
0:45:09 > 0:45:10and you already know it's coming.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12"Don't turn round. HE MIMICS SIZZLES
0:45:14 > 0:45:16"It's definitely ours!"
0:45:16 > 0:45:19Comes past all you other morons with your ordinary tikka
0:45:19 > 0:45:21that doesn't sizzle, you fucking wankers!
0:45:21 > 0:45:25LAUGHTER
0:45:25 > 0:45:27My dad, "Look at them! They don't even know what we've got!"
0:45:27 > 0:45:30Honestly, that's how he measured everything.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32And I'm allowed to order my first shashlik.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34I'm 10. Up it comes.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Chicken tikka shashlik. There it is.
0:45:36 > 0:45:40"All right, boy, you know what to do. You know exactly what to do."
0:45:40 > 0:45:42"Squeeze your lemon on your chicken tikka..."
0:45:42 > 0:45:45And I didn't like lemons, and I'd been dreading this moment.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47But it was part of the religious ceremony.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49This is the argument. The most bizarre and ridiculous
0:45:49 > 0:45:51verbal violence of my whole childhood.
0:45:51 > 0:45:53"Squeeze your lemon on your tikka."
0:45:53 > 0:45:55"Please, Dad. You know I don't like lemon."
0:45:55 > 0:45:57HE SHOUTS "Squeeze your lemon
0:45:57 > 0:45:59"on your fucking tik-ka!"
0:45:59 > 0:46:01"Tik-ka!" Like that!
0:46:01 > 0:46:03Everyone looking round.
0:46:03 > 0:46:05And then we settled in.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07I'm eating chicken tikka, I've got my poppadoms.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09I associate it with complete safety and happiness.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12It might seem pathetic to some of you, but I genuinely do.
0:46:12 > 0:46:13And then this fight kicks off.
0:46:13 > 0:46:15A fight in The Akash, right?
0:46:15 > 0:46:17These kids..."kids," I say,
0:46:17 > 0:46:19but 19-year-old, big, muscly fuckers.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23Lighting serviettes and throwing them into the air and letting them
0:46:23 > 0:46:26burn out till they fall down.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29HE LAUGHS Up there, "That's what I fucking did when I was in my prime!"
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Now, most of you are thinking,
0:46:31 > 0:46:33"If it's not affecting your table,
0:46:33 > 0:46:36"Let Abdul deal with it. et the manager..."
0:46:36 > 0:46:39Make sure that the manager IS called Abdul. Don't just...
0:46:39 > 0:46:42That can sound a bit racist if you just use that name for any man.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45LAUGHTER "Abdul, over 'ere, mate!"
0:46:47 > 0:46:49"Let Abdul deal with it. It's his restaurant,"
0:46:49 > 0:46:51is the correct thing to do.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54But, unfortunately, sitting next to these pissed-up,
0:46:54 > 0:46:56Kronenbourg, 19-year-old hard bastards
0:46:56 > 0:46:58was posh guy with a roll neck and beard,
0:46:58 > 0:47:02who, when he sees injustice, must address the situation,
0:47:02 > 0:47:05thereby causing more violence by being a dick.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07LAUGHTER Is there anyone in this room
0:47:07 > 0:47:11who would have the courage to address a restaurant of strangers
0:47:11 > 0:47:12about their dining experience?
0:47:12 > 0:47:16I'm a stand-up. Not even I have the cringe factor necessary to do that.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18And he stood up, and he went, "Excuse me!
0:47:18 > 0:47:20"Fellow diners of The Ay-kash."
0:47:20 > 0:47:22LAUGHTER
0:47:22 > 0:47:23Not Akash, Ay-kash.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25Show knowledge of Latin! Show it!
0:47:25 > 0:47:28"Fellow diners of the Ay-kash."
0:47:28 > 0:47:30And he pointed,
0:47:30 > 0:47:33so his finger was about as far from this 16-stone hard fucker.
0:47:33 > 0:47:34He went,
0:47:34 > 0:47:37"Does anyone else find THIS behaviour despic..."
0:47:37 > 0:47:40And he was punched on that exact syllable of despicable.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43That exact. Right in the side of the head, like that.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Have you ever seen someone punched in the side of the head
0:47:45 > 0:47:47when they're not expecting it?
0:47:47 > 0:47:49It's majestic!
0:47:49 > 0:47:52Cos the head comes up and they make the effort at consciousness,
0:47:52 > 0:47:53but they fail at the last minute.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55"I'm fine! No...I'm gone. Sorry."
0:47:55 > 0:47:58LAUGHTER
0:47:58 > 0:48:00But, unfortunately for this kid,
0:48:00 > 0:48:03the posh guy had fat posh sons with him. And they've stood up.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06You can tell you're middle-class, cos you approach from the side.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08"I'm sorry. You really are annoying me at the moment.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11"There'll be trouble. I'll use my specialist attack.
0:48:11 > 0:48:12"SIDE ATTACK! SIDE ATTACK!"
0:48:12 > 0:48:15Working-class people attack from the front, like that.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17"Look at my organs! Want to try and stab my organs, mate?"
0:48:21 > 0:48:23And it's kicked off. Proper, violent fight.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25Really quickly. Punches thrown.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27My brother, my little brother James, there,
0:48:27 > 0:48:29The smaller guy in the Wotsits box.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32James has got out, along with my mum and my great-nan,
0:48:32 > 0:48:33who was there for my 10th birthday.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36Has anyone else, like me, got where the great-nan
0:48:36 > 0:48:38became more like the nan,
0:48:38 > 0:48:39due to the fact your nan was so young?
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Great-nan is the grandmother.
0:48:41 > 0:48:42She has the curly silver hair,
0:48:42 > 0:48:44buggy-pushing, story-reading.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46Dies when you're 19, 20. Normal gran behaviour.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49Unlike my real nan, who's still at it down the nightclub,
0:48:49 > 0:48:51getting done behind a skip. She's still partying.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54LAUGHTER She partied till the end.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59So Connie, great-gran, or grandma, as we called her,
0:48:59 > 0:49:02she got out just before the door got blocked with the violence.
0:49:02 > 0:49:06James is out, thank God. James is like, "Aargh!" from the violence.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08I'm crying, terrified, and it's just me and dad left.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11I will never forget the warmth of his bicep against my chest.
0:49:11 > 0:49:15Sounds a bit of a sentimental memory, but it's amazing one for me.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17Just there it is, across me.
0:49:17 > 0:49:19The first time ever, some sort of affection,
0:49:19 > 0:49:22some sort of primal connection between father and son.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24"Just leave it. Let Abdul call the Old Bill.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26"Don't watch, boy."
0:49:26 > 0:49:28He used to be a doorman, so he knew. He's judging the fight.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30Then, then, one of them, the smallest one,
0:49:30 > 0:49:32a little shit, looked about 17, 18.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35Has smashed a glass, and he's walking in
0:49:35 > 0:49:36behind one of the posh kids.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38He's going to glass him in the side of the neck.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41And you know when a weapon comes out at a party or a fight,
0:49:41 > 0:49:44a knife or a glass, the atmosphere sort of tightens, doesn't it?
0:49:44 > 0:49:45It sort of zooms in. Everything's still.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48He's walking towards him, and that's when my old man's kicked in.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50The ex-bouncer, the bodybuilder.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52He's just risen, just swollen.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54LAUGHTER
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Swollen out of the seat like a...
0:49:56 > 0:49:59like a Wheat Crunchie left in a toilet.
0:49:59 > 0:50:00LAUGHTER
0:50:02 > 0:50:04What do you think? Truly hard men, by the way,
0:50:04 > 0:50:07those of you vicious shits, they don't take weapons.
0:50:07 > 0:50:08They don't need them.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11But this is the man's faith in Bangladeshi cuisine.
0:50:11 > 0:50:14He's picked up the only thing which could roughly be...
0:50:14 > 0:50:15construed as a weapon.
0:50:15 > 0:50:18Which is the still sizzling...
0:50:18 > 0:50:20HE MIMICS SIZZLING
0:50:20 > 0:50:23..set in wood, obviously, to protect their hands.
0:50:23 > 0:50:25We know how hot those dishes are.
0:50:25 > 0:50:26INDIAN ACCENT
0:50:26 > 0:50:29"Please don't touch, very hot. Please."
0:50:29 > 0:50:30We know how they are.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33APPLAUSE
0:50:33 > 0:50:36# Please don't touch my dish I'm very hot right now
0:50:36 > 0:50:38# Don't touch my dish I'm so hot, baby. #
0:50:38 > 0:50:40R&B, why not?!
0:50:40 > 0:50:41By the way, I checked on Wikipedia.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44That's the maximum time I can do that accent. Relax.
0:50:44 > 0:50:46And he's gone in,
0:50:46 > 0:50:47waving it like that.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50Everyone stops, and it's just the little shit with the weapon
0:50:50 > 0:50:53and my dad, 18 stone of pure man,
0:50:53 > 0:50:56with a triple ripple. Walking in.
0:50:56 > 0:50:57Waving it like that.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59Think how hot that metal is.
0:50:59 > 0:51:03Mediaeval Tudor peasant-branding black metal.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06And the peppers and onions in there, like a little infantry.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09Just showing you. "It's fucking hot in 'ere, mate.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11"I used to be a pepper! I used to be a fucking pepper!"
0:51:14 > 0:51:17"You want to look like this, do ya? I don't think so."
0:51:17 > 0:51:19And this kid's just looking at him.
0:51:19 > 0:51:21He's about as big as my old man's areola, at best.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25And I'm crying,
0:51:25 > 0:51:26but I'm at that...that terror crying.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29When you're a kid, when you're crying, but scared,
0:51:29 > 0:51:31so the tears are rolling, but you're not making any noise.
0:51:31 > 0:51:34And he's got the smoke like that. And he went, "Now..."
0:51:35 > 0:51:36"..put the glass back..."
0:51:37 > 0:51:39"..and calm it. Yooueah?"
0:51:39 > 0:51:42Three-syllable Essex "yeah".
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Yoo-Uh-Eah Yoo-Uh-Eh.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47Yooueah. Right?
0:51:47 > 0:51:50If you're outside Essex and you want to do it at home, that's how you do it.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Yooueah. Bring it up from the chest and out.
0:51:53 > 0:51:56"Put the glass back and calm it, yooueah?"
0:51:57 > 0:51:59Now, I'd never seen anyone,
0:51:59 > 0:52:01ANYONE, answer my old man back.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03Not any of my friends, not my brother, not my mum.
0:52:03 > 0:52:07In a car accident, two cars came out, my dad's fault, smashed in.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10They took one look at my dad and went, "It's only my wing,
0:52:10 > 0:52:12"I'll repair it in my garage!"
0:52:12 > 0:52:13He's that type of man, right?
0:52:15 > 0:52:17I just thought, well, this is a no-brainer.
0:52:17 > 0:52:20And I couldn't believe what came out of the little shit's mouth.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23He took one look at my dad...such is the POWER of Kronenbourg!
0:52:23 > 0:52:24I don't know what the did in 1664,
0:52:24 > 0:52:26but they got violence from it.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29He looked my dad up and down, and he went,
0:52:29 > 0:52:31"Put the chicken tikka down, old man."
0:52:31 > 0:52:33LAUGHTER
0:52:33 > 0:52:35Mouth open.
0:52:36 > 0:52:40You could see my old man, it hit him, like that. The rudeness of it.
0:52:40 > 0:52:43He was affronted as much by the offence to his masculinity,
0:52:43 > 0:52:46as the slight inaccuracy of the description.
0:52:46 > 0:52:47You could see it bothering him.
0:52:47 > 0:52:50You could see it playing on his fucking mind.
0:52:50 > 0:52:51Like, "This is a sizzler.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53"This ain't no fucking tikka!"
0:52:53 > 0:52:55You could see it bothering him.
0:52:57 > 0:53:01These are the words, more or less, that came out of the man's mouth.
0:53:01 > 0:53:03He even did a kung-fu look before he responded.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05LAUGHTER
0:53:09 > 0:53:11This is my Dirty Harry moment, it was just amazing!
0:53:11 > 0:53:14He leant right in, so their lips were almost touching. He went,
0:53:16 > 0:53:17"That ain't chicken tikka."
0:53:17 > 0:53:20LAUGHTER
0:53:22 > 0:53:24"That's a shashlik." LAUGHTER
0:53:28 > 0:53:32"Let's see if you're laughing when I smash it in your face, mate."
0:53:32 > 0:53:33He turned around to me, just sobbing,
0:53:33 > 0:53:35shivering in my seat, and went,
0:53:35 > 0:53:37"Now, squeeze your lemon!"
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Straight across.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:53:52 > 0:53:56Who spotted that I kept correcting my tense when I talked about my dad?
0:53:56 > 0:53:58Did anyone spot that? I kept going from was to is, did, does.
0:53:58 > 0:54:02He should be sat up there, of course he should. But he's not there.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04And why is he not there?
0:54:04 > 0:54:06It doesn't take Columbo to work it out.
0:54:06 > 0:54:09The sad truth of this fucking story, right,
0:54:09 > 0:54:13is that he will never see this show. He'll never know this show.
0:54:13 > 0:54:15That's it. I'm drifting into my dad's voice now.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17What a sick, fucked-up way to close the show.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19"That's it, boy. Keep them laughing,
0:54:19 > 0:54:21"cos the next bit is not particularly funny.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23"You can clear off your piss-taking driveway,
0:54:23 > 0:54:25"turn off your plasma in the knock-it-through dining room,
0:54:25 > 0:54:27"put the He-Man in its original packaging.
0:54:27 > 0:54:31"You sell that on eBay in 2008 and get some money for it.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34"When Mum's done grieving me, you move her to a new build in Cheshunt,
0:54:34 > 0:54:37"with a carpenter from Woodford called Danny. That's who that is."
0:54:37 > 0:54:40LAUGHTER
0:54:40 > 0:54:42Happens to be a nice bloke, comes to see this show.
0:54:42 > 0:54:43Mum begins a new life.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45"After the funeral, where, bizarrely,
0:54:45 > 0:54:47"I'm cremated to the music of Barry White,
0:54:47 > 0:54:49"while your heart breaks in fucking two,
0:54:49 > 0:54:52"and you don't cry a tear, cos you're trying to be strong for James.
0:54:52 > 0:54:54"You take the white transit.
0:54:54 > 0:54:56"You and Uncle Tony sell that in Auto Trader.
0:54:56 > 0:54:59"You drive the black diesel automatic Mercedes
0:54:59 > 0:55:01"back to the dealership. You trade it in.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03"You can't believe you're driving your dad's car.
0:55:03 > 0:55:05"You dismantle the gym in the garden
0:55:05 > 0:55:07"that I worked out in right until the end.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10"You give the tools away at a car boot sale. You give everything away.
0:55:10 > 0:55:11"Everything gets filed.
0:55:11 > 0:55:15"It disappears, like a concentric fucking ripple in a brook.
0:55:15 > 0:55:16"You even, finally, in 2010,
0:55:16 > 0:55:19"grow the balls to give the stories about me away
0:55:19 > 0:55:22"and then tell the truth at the end.
0:55:22 > 0:55:24"Well done, you. All I ask is one last thing.
0:55:24 > 0:55:27"Now and again, have a little knock on those castle bricks, yeah?
0:55:27 > 0:55:30"And know that even if you think you're lying to yourself,
0:55:30 > 0:55:32"there's something very good worth looking at in there.
0:55:32 > 0:55:33"For about an hour.
0:55:33 > 0:55:36"Now, good luck without me, and good night."
0:55:36 > 0:55:37"Good night." Good night.
0:55:37 > 0:55:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:56:39 > 0:56:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd