Charlie Brooker's 2013 Wipe

0:00:04 > 0:00:10Contains adult humour and some strong language

0:00:22 > 0:00:25Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching 2013 Wipe,

0:00:25 > 0:00:29a programme all about things that were happening in 2013.

0:00:29 > 0:00:30Things like this.

0:00:30 > 0:00:33Scintillating entertainment show Britain's Got Talent was

0:00:33 > 0:00:36immeasurably improved by the arrival of the second woman this year

0:00:36 > 0:00:39to willingly donate eggs to Simon Cowell.

0:00:39 > 0:00:41I do take painting seriously.

0:00:41 > 0:00:44It's changed my life and I brought a painting for you. You did? Yeah.

0:00:44 > 0:00:48Cheerful chat show encounters prove George W Bush has managed

0:00:48 > 0:00:51to become a painter without chewing the brushes or bombing the canvas.

0:00:51 > 0:00:55Staggering news reports revealed Russia had arrested an alleged spy,

0:00:55 > 0:00:57using a budget Boris Johnson disguise kit.

0:00:57 > 0:00:59And following an Asiana Airlines crash,

0:00:59 > 0:01:02a US news channel fell victim to a racist prankster

0:01:02 > 0:01:05by misreporting the names of the pilots.

0:01:05 > 0:01:07They are Captain Sum Ting Wong,

0:01:07 > 0:01:10Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk

0:01:10 > 0:01:13and Bang Ding Ow.

0:01:13 > 0:01:18That's the kind of thing that occurred, that's where we're headed,

0:01:18 > 0:01:21but we start with January because the year did too.

0:01:21 > 0:01:24Overflowing with terrorist incidents, abuse allegations,

0:01:24 > 0:01:27natural disasters and high profile deaths,

0:01:27 > 0:01:302013 was notable for containing many stories that were both

0:01:30 > 0:01:32stomach churning and hard to digest.

0:01:32 > 0:01:36So it was fitting that it kicked off with an ugly story about food.

0:01:36 > 0:01:41Supermarket scandal. Horse meat found in beef burgers on sale in Britain.

0:01:41 > 0:01:45Yes, the nation had scarcely finished excreting the last of the turkey leftovers

0:01:45 > 0:01:47when the news erupted into a meat-based horror show.

0:01:47 > 0:01:51People like to go on diets in the new year and the horse meat scandal certainly helped.

0:01:51 > 0:01:54The way TV screens immediately filled with red churning tissue

0:01:54 > 0:01:59made following the 5:2 fasting diet not just easy but almost compulsory.

0:01:59 > 0:02:04For Alfie Green, beef lasagne was a tea-time favourite. Not any more.

0:02:04 > 0:02:07So will you be eating any more of these? No, not no more, we won't!

0:02:07 > 0:02:09Definitely not!

0:02:09 > 0:02:12Also on hand for comic relief, Iceland founder

0:02:12 > 0:02:17and Bradley Wiggins impersonator Malcolm Walker, who made reassuring statements like this.

0:02:17 > 0:02:19I don't see what more supermarkets can do.

0:02:19 > 0:02:24They probably wouldn't be testing routinely for horse DNA.

0:02:24 > 0:02:27Neither are we testing for hedgehog. It's easy to test meat for hedgehog.

0:02:27 > 0:02:30You just scare it and see if it rolls up into a meatball.

0:02:30 > 0:02:33Extra fun value was provided by one food expert doing his best

0:02:33 > 0:02:34to lighten the distressing news

0:02:34 > 0:02:37by describing the crisis using the voice of Ronnie Corbett.

0:02:37 > 0:02:41What's supposed to happen is that the supermarket checks on your behalf.

0:02:41 > 0:02:43Supermarkets are experts in food.

0:02:43 > 0:02:48This guy may sound funny, but he certainly knows the food chain.

0:02:48 > 0:02:53We talk about the food chain and at one end, meat comes out

0:02:53 > 0:02:56and cows normally go in, but somewhere in the food chain,

0:02:56 > 0:02:59horses came in and meat came out.

0:02:59 > 0:03:01This guy is good!

0:03:03 > 0:03:06Lots of what I like to call "events" happened in February.

0:03:06 > 0:03:09Archaeologists found King Richard III in a car park.

0:03:09 > 0:03:12He'd been there for years, but they thought it was a speed bump.

0:03:12 > 0:03:15More alarmingly, God decided to keep mankind on its toes

0:03:15 > 0:03:17by lobbing a huge meteor at Russia in scenes resembling

0:03:17 > 0:03:21a chilling, photo-realistic reboot of the Angry Birds franchise.

0:03:21 > 0:03:23Meanwhile, in Australia, where the weather is so uniform

0:03:23 > 0:03:26the weather forecast consists of nothing but a brass plaque

0:03:26 > 0:03:30with the words, "Bloody sunny and hot, mate!" engraved on it,

0:03:30 > 0:03:33they apparently have to liven up their TV forecasts with live stunt work.

0:03:33 > 0:03:36This was illustrated by these unedifying scenes

0:03:36 > 0:03:38as a weatherman strapped into a stunt plane for a bit of fun

0:03:38 > 0:03:40on an otherwise toothless breakfast show

0:03:40 > 0:03:43began slipping the realm of consciousness entirely

0:03:43 > 0:03:44as the G force built up.

0:03:44 > 0:03:46Forces and speed and dy...namics...

0:03:48 > 0:03:50I've been fascinated...

0:03:50 > 0:03:51I'm having flashbacks

0:03:51 > 0:03:55to conversations I had with people in nightclubs in the '90s.

0:03:55 > 0:03:57His eventual forecast was a bit confusing.

0:03:57 > 0:04:00Bright at first, slowly fading, with some dark mist rolling in,

0:04:00 > 0:04:04accompanied by light dribble, before a sudden and total nightfall.

0:04:07 > 0:04:10Oh, he's passed out! Cut! We don't want to see!

0:04:10 > 0:04:14A very good evening from Rome where Pope Benedict has stunned

0:04:14 > 0:04:17the Roman Catholic Church by announcing his resignation today.

0:04:17 > 0:04:19Yes, Pope Benedict XVI suddenly decided

0:04:19 > 0:04:23he'd done quite enough pope-ing for one lifetime, thank you, and quit

0:04:23 > 0:04:24using the withdrawal method -

0:04:24 > 0:04:28pulling out unexpectedly and leaving a bit of a mess to clean up.

0:04:28 > 0:04:30Pope-liking members of the public were so shocked,

0:04:30 > 0:04:32they couldn't help but say so.

0:04:32 > 0:04:35No!

0:04:35 > 0:04:37Oh, I'm so shocked!

0:04:37 > 0:04:40While others simply refused to believe it was true, going through

0:04:40 > 0:04:44three of the seven stages of grief in the space of one soundbite.

0:04:44 > 0:04:46You're joking!

0:04:46 > 0:04:48The Pope?!

0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh, my God!

0:04:50 > 0:04:52The news immediately began guessing who the next Pope would be,

0:04:52 > 0:04:53profiling the hopefuls

0:04:53 > 0:04:56until the screen began to resemble a sticker album

0:04:56 > 0:04:59dedicated to the oldest, most sexless boyband in history.

0:04:59 > 0:05:02Soon afterwards, in March, the Vatican set about p-p-picking

0:05:02 > 0:05:05that Pope the only way it knew how - slowly.

0:05:05 > 0:05:08Since the Pope pickers were locked somewhere indoors

0:05:08 > 0:05:10trying to work out who'd look best in a Pope hat,

0:05:10 > 0:05:13the news had to train its cameras on the Vatican spokesman, who,

0:05:13 > 0:05:17because the Catholic Church is normal and modern, is a chimney.

0:05:17 > 0:05:20And thus the news morphed seamlessly into 24 hour chimney watch...

0:05:20 > 0:05:21There is the chimney.

0:05:21 > 0:05:25..keeping its gaze trained on a flue, waiting for the right coloured smoke to belch out.

0:05:25 > 0:05:28Most of the time, nothing was happening. The undisputed high point

0:05:28 > 0:05:31being this thrilling moment when a seagull landed on the chimney.

0:05:31 > 0:05:35That seagull has no idea that it's part of history.

0:05:35 > 0:05:37Yeah, that's how seagulls work, mate.

0:05:37 > 0:05:40Jesus, Chimneywatch just hasn't been the same since Bill Oddie left.

0:05:40 > 0:05:43That's white smoke. Is that white smoke?

0:05:43 > 0:05:46Finally, after two whole days of furious teasing, the cardinals

0:05:46 > 0:05:50made hot white gobbet shoot from the pipe, just like your mum does.

0:05:50 > 0:05:54And then, following the ceremonial handing over of the Papal Twitter account password,

0:05:54 > 0:05:57out popped the new Pope, captured expertly by Vatican TV,

0:05:57 > 0:06:01performing his first miracle by managing to look like Jim Bowen

0:06:01 > 0:06:02and Woody Allen at the same time.

0:06:02 > 0:06:05As you can see, everyone was absolutely frigging delighted,

0:06:05 > 0:06:08except me, because I had a bet on that he was going to

0:06:08 > 0:06:09regenerate as Peter Capaldi.

0:06:09 > 0:06:11Oh, fiddlesticks!

0:06:11 > 0:06:14Also in March, having never really recovered from the Savile scandal,

0:06:14 > 0:06:19the BBC's iconic TV Centre closed down, almost as though it was committing suicide.

0:06:19 > 0:06:24The Corporation claimed changes in technology had rendered many of TV Centre's functions obsolete.

0:06:24 > 0:06:25For instance, suspicious old men

0:06:25 > 0:06:27now largely meet children using the internet.

0:06:27 > 0:06:29Incidentally, for legal reasons,

0:06:29 > 0:06:32we're not allowed to mention some high profile court cases

0:06:32 > 0:06:34which got under way this year, a year marked by a series

0:06:34 > 0:06:36of startling post-Savile celebrity arrests

0:06:36 > 0:06:39which peppered the nation's front pages like depressing croutons.

0:06:39 > 0:06:42The cumulative effect made it almost impossible

0:06:42 > 0:06:44to reminisce about 1970s' TV shows

0:06:44 > 0:06:46without having to mentally pixelate out half the faces.

0:06:46 > 0:06:49There was this new Doctor Who spin-off,

0:06:49 > 0:06:52sort of like Torchwood, but for adults, called Broadchurch.

0:06:52 > 0:06:56It was brilliant and gripping, like a dark reboot of Doctor Who.

0:06:56 > 0:06:58It still had Doctor Who in it,

0:06:58 > 0:07:01but instead of stopping the Cybermen from stealing a time crystal,

0:07:01 > 0:07:06he was trying to solve the murder of a little boy. So it was the saddest Doctor Who story ever.

0:07:06 > 0:07:10Apart from the one where he had to leave K9 behind on Gallifrey.

0:07:10 > 0:07:12To save money, they didn't go to space,

0:07:12 > 0:07:16they went to the seaside, but not a nice seaside like Eastbourne,

0:07:16 > 0:07:19more a sort of evil seaside like Plymouth.

0:07:19 > 0:07:21It was really intense.

0:07:21 > 0:07:23The Doctor didn't have any of his powers

0:07:23 > 0:07:26or his TARDIS and his assistant was like loads more serious than usual

0:07:26 > 0:07:28and sort of swore a lot.

0:07:28 > 0:07:31Shit! Shit! Shit! SHIT! Hi, Mick.

0:07:31 > 0:07:35It was a bit more boring than normal Doctor Who because normal Doctor Who

0:07:35 > 0:07:38could just go back in time and catch the murderer before they did it,

0:07:38 > 0:07:42but this Doctor Who could only go back in time by talking to people.

0:07:42 > 0:07:46When did you last see Daniel Latimer? I told you. The day before he was found.

0:07:46 > 0:07:50Anyway, it had this massive twist because it was on ITV,

0:07:50 > 0:07:52but also, it was good.

0:07:52 > 0:07:54It was really quite mind-blowing.

0:07:54 > 0:07:57Because it was so good, apparently, they're doing another one,

0:07:57 > 0:08:00which would be brilliant, but I hope this time it is in space

0:08:00 > 0:08:03and with K9 in it.

0:08:03 > 0:08:05In April, Margaret Thatcher stopped happening.

0:08:05 > 0:08:09Thatcher's passing finally allowed the news to hit play on all the

0:08:09 > 0:08:12preassembled biog packages they'd been quietly collating for years

0:08:12 > 0:08:14and it quickly turned into an '80s nostalgia festival

0:08:14 > 0:08:17with all the greatest hits, footage of election day,

0:08:17 > 0:08:20champagne yuppies with giant phones, the miners' strike,

0:08:20 > 0:08:23soundbites from Maggie's fellow former Spitting Image cast mates...

0:08:23 > 0:08:26Of course, she did more for feminism than any feminist has ever done.

0:08:26 > 0:08:30..the Falklands War and catchphrases from iconic adverts.

0:08:30 > 0:08:34British Gas shares, they come out in November. If you see Sid, tell him.

0:08:34 > 0:08:37Back on Earth, even as the Iron Lady was being driven away from the Ritz

0:08:37 > 0:08:40in one of those vans they used to take scabs through picket lines in,

0:08:40 > 0:08:41battle lines were being drawn.

0:08:41 > 0:08:46Because newspapers chiefly exist to spoon-feed the opinions of their readers back to them,

0:08:46 > 0:08:47much like an arse-to-mouth hosepipe,

0:08:47 > 0:08:50they can cover divisive figures like Margaret Thatcher

0:08:50 > 0:08:52with all the obvious bias you can eat.

0:08:52 > 0:08:55TV news, however, is supposed to reflect the nation's opinions,

0:08:55 > 0:08:57which meant it had to sit on the fence

0:08:57 > 0:08:59until it got splinters in its soul,

0:08:59 > 0:09:01repeating the one thing it could reliably say,

0:09:01 > 0:09:03which was that she was divisive.

0:09:03 > 0:09:06Margaret Thatcher was a Prime Minister who divided the country.

0:09:06 > 0:09:09Margaret Thatcher profoundly divided opinions.

0:09:09 > 0:09:13The flag of the country she divided and transformed

0:09:13 > 0:09:15flies at half-mast.

0:09:15 > 0:09:17Since she divided opinion, we had to hear from both sides.

0:09:17 > 0:09:20In the blue corner, Prime Ministeroid David Cameratron,

0:09:20 > 0:09:25seen here performing his Stars In Their Eyes cover version of Blair's People's Princess speech.

0:09:25 > 0:09:30Margaret Thatcher didn't just lead our country, she saved our country.

0:09:30 > 0:09:31By dividing it.

0:09:31 > 0:09:34The news also unearthed some Maggie-loving members of the public.

0:09:34 > 0:09:36Hello, you're live on Sky News.

0:09:36 > 0:09:38Can you just quickly show us your tribute,

0:09:38 > 0:09:41the ultimate tribute perhaps? There you go,

0:09:41 > 0:09:44a new tattoo on your leg, saying, "She never turned."

0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm sure that's what she would have wanted?!

0:09:47 > 0:09:48Meanwhile, in the red corner,

0:09:48 > 0:09:51Labour droner Egghead Millipede did his best to discuss Thatcher

0:09:51 > 0:09:53for several uninterrupted seconds without slagging her off,

0:09:53 > 0:09:55and to make it even harder,

0:09:55 > 0:09:57he had to do it while standing in the middle of a lake.

0:09:57 > 0:09:59David Cameron, Nick Clegg

0:09:59 > 0:10:03and myself were all shaped in a way by the politics of Lady Thatcher.

0:10:03 > 0:10:07But it soon became apparent there was absolutely no shortage of folk

0:10:07 > 0:10:10prepared to vent their anti-Thatcher spleen on camera.

0:10:10 > 0:10:13Margaret Thatcher destroyed my hometown. I'm glad she's dead.

0:10:13 > 0:10:17Extra high strength vitriol flowed from northern mining towns

0:10:17 > 0:10:19where Thatcher had closed pits

0:10:19 > 0:10:22and turned families to stone with her Medusa-like glare.

0:10:22 > 0:10:26Up here, Thatcher was about as popular as pus pie and piss gravy.

0:10:26 > 0:10:28She weren't a woman, she was evil!

0:10:28 > 0:10:29You hear a lot

0:10:29 > 0:10:32about how Thatcher consigned entire communities to the scrapheap,

0:10:32 > 0:10:34but on the plus side,

0:10:34 > 0:10:36she reinvigorated Britain's ingrained bitterness industry.

0:10:36 > 0:10:38Amidst this febrile atmosphere,

0:10:38 > 0:10:40it was announced that Baroness Thatcher would be treated

0:10:40 > 0:10:42to a whopping great state funeral

0:10:42 > 0:10:45in scenes reminiscent of the opening credits of Dad's Army.

0:10:45 > 0:10:47But by now, the news was notably preoccupied

0:10:47 > 0:10:50with an internet attempt to bump the song Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead

0:10:50 > 0:10:53to the top of those pop charts, which apparently still exist.

0:10:53 > 0:10:55This instantly became a stick to beat the BBC with,

0:10:55 > 0:10:58in case it had to play the song on Radio One's official top 40 show.

0:10:58 > 0:10:59The world of current affairs

0:10:59 > 0:11:02was clearly concerned the lyrics might be offensive,

0:11:02 > 0:11:05so it was weird that they couldn't seem to stop reciting them.

0:11:05 > 0:11:07Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead...

0:11:07 > 0:11:08Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead...

0:11:08 > 0:11:10Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead...

0:11:10 > 0:11:13In the event, the BBC dodged a bullet by broadcasting a snippet of the song in a news report

0:11:13 > 0:11:15and anyway, the number one bid failed,

0:11:15 > 0:11:18thus depriving the nation of the first catchy number one in a decade.

0:11:18 > 0:11:20Come the day of the funeral,

0:11:20 > 0:11:23the more extreme wing of the anti-Thatch camp organised a series of protests

0:11:23 > 0:11:26at which it became clear Thatcher's savage cuts to arts funding

0:11:26 > 0:11:28had rather cunningly left her opponents

0:11:28 > 0:11:30without the skills to make a coherent effigy.

0:11:30 > 0:11:33These bizarre anti-funerals were conducted beneath

0:11:33 > 0:11:36the definitely not encouraging this in any way gaze of the news media,

0:11:36 > 0:11:39who were probably secretly delighted to have stumbled across

0:11:39 > 0:11:41this 21st century reimagining of the Wicker Man,

0:11:41 > 0:11:44replete with traditional northern minstrels

0:11:44 > 0:11:47and touching floral tributes. One thing's for sure,

0:11:47 > 0:11:50that Margaret Thatcher certainly was a divisive figure.

0:11:50 > 0:11:53And like her or loathe her, the lady's not returning.

0:11:53 > 0:11:55It was a good year for natural history,

0:11:55 > 0:11:56with the BBC unveiling Africa,

0:11:56 > 0:12:00a sumptuous exploration of the expansive and diverse continent,

0:12:00 > 0:12:03expertly showcasing its incredible variety of picturesque wildlife.

0:12:03 > 0:12:06But this was nothing compared to the inspiring sweep

0:12:06 > 0:12:09of Channel 4's intensely moving Dogging Tales,

0:12:09 > 0:12:13a story of everyday folk who have sex with strangers in car parks.

0:12:13 > 0:12:16As well as life-affirming footage of tender acts of physical love

0:12:16 > 0:12:18happening somewhere between a tree and some bins,

0:12:18 > 0:12:21it featured heart-rending testimonies from the people behind the grunts,

0:12:21 > 0:12:23their identities disguised, but not their tattoos,

0:12:23 > 0:12:26as they outlined their ceremonial preparations.

0:12:26 > 0:12:29Namely squirting a bit of Lynx around the old armpits.

0:12:29 > 0:12:31Can't beat it.

0:12:32 > 0:12:35That and Joop.

0:12:35 > 0:12:38Yeah, Joop's pretty good at masking the smell of bracken and semen.

0:12:38 > 0:12:40It even says that on the bottle.

0:12:40 > 0:12:43Hopefully, this coldness like, you know...

0:12:46 > 0:12:49It IS getting there. It takes time cos it's cold, isn't it? Yeah.

0:12:49 > 0:12:51It was all visually reminiscent

0:12:51 > 0:12:53of one of 2013's most popular viral videos -

0:12:53 > 0:12:56a quirkily entertaining comic song which posed the question,

0:12:56 > 0:12:58what does the fox say?

0:13:04 > 0:13:07Dogging Tales revealed precisely what the fox says

0:13:07 > 0:13:08because it asked him.

0:13:08 > 0:13:11Do you feel like you're hunting for something?

0:13:11 > 0:13:13Yeah, the furry triangle.

0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, wish I'd never asked.

0:13:18 > 0:13:22In May, a huge tornado ripped across Oklahoma and in the aftermath,

0:13:22 > 0:13:25CBS News captured a heart-warming moment.

0:13:25 > 0:13:29I hollered for my little dog and he didn't answer.

0:13:29 > 0:13:32A dog! Hi, puppy!

0:13:32 > 0:13:33Oh!

0:13:33 > 0:13:35This being the Bible Belt,

0:13:35 > 0:13:39many thought this kind of thing demonstrated faith in action.

0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well, God just answered one prayer to let me be OK.

0:13:42 > 0:13:44He answered both of them.

0:13:44 > 0:13:47But not everyone who survived the hurricane was God fearing,

0:13:47 > 0:13:50as one notably illuminating exchange demonstrated.

0:13:50 > 0:13:52I guess you've got to thank the Lord, right?

0:13:52 > 0:13:56Do you thank the Lord for that split-second decision? I...

0:13:56 > 0:14:01I'm actually an atheist. Oh, you are? All right.

0:14:01 > 0:14:05If you think that didn't take balls, you've never been to Oklahoma.

0:14:05 > 0:14:09Saying, "I'm an atheist," in Oklahoma is like screaming

0:14:09 > 0:14:12Jihad at airport security. That took some nuts!

0:14:12 > 0:14:16And you watch the footage, all the other victims are on the news,

0:14:16 > 0:14:20thanking Jesus for only killing their neighbours and not them,

0:14:20 > 0:14:23while a crawler is on the screen, telling me

0:14:23 > 0:14:26where I can text money to help them out? Fuck them!

0:14:26 > 0:14:30I don't want Jesus getting credit for my $50!

0:14:30 > 0:14:36I'll help that other girl out. Hell, yes! She ain't got no Jeebuz!

0:14:36 > 0:14:38She gonna need money! So I did.

0:14:38 > 0:14:44I started an indiegogo fundraiser account and atheists ended up

0:14:44 > 0:14:48ponying up over $126,000 just for little old her.

0:14:48 > 0:14:51And I couldn't get the smile off of my face for a week.

0:14:51 > 0:14:54I didn't do it because I felt sympathy

0:14:54 > 0:14:57cos she got all her shit destroyed by a tornado,

0:14:57 > 0:15:01I did it simply to be a prick to her Okie Christian neighbours,

0:15:01 > 0:15:05hoping that they were still eating off of FEMA trucks when someone

0:15:05 > 0:15:10drove up and presented Rebecca with a giant cardboard cheque.

0:15:10 > 0:15:14It's funny how hate can make you do real nice things every now and then.

0:15:14 > 0:15:17Also in May, the Same Sex Couples Act was passed.

0:15:17 > 0:15:19Gay people were now equal in marriage,

0:15:19 > 0:15:22able to do gay washing up, gay hoovering, go to gay Homebase

0:15:22 > 0:15:25to buy gay rawlplugs and put up gay shelves at the gay weekend.

0:15:25 > 0:15:30But not everyone was this happy. In an eye-opening interview with the Huffington Post,

0:15:30 > 0:15:34beardy actor Jeremy Irons voiced his concerns about the financial implications of gay marriage.

0:15:34 > 0:15:39Tax wise is an interesting one because...

0:15:39 > 0:15:41You see...

0:15:41 > 0:15:45Could a father not marry his son?

0:15:45 > 0:15:49Well, there are laws against incest.

0:15:49 > 0:15:50It's not incest between men.

0:15:50 > 0:15:53Someone's in for a shock when they check Wikipedia later.

0:15:53 > 0:15:57Irons also saw father-son marriage as a potential money-spinner.

0:15:57 > 0:16:01If I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties,

0:16:01 > 0:16:06I could marry my son and pass on my estate to him.

0:16:06 > 0:16:09No, that sounds like a total red herring.

0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'm sure that incest law would still cover same sex marriages.

0:16:12 > 0:16:15Really? Why? Cos it's incest?!

0:16:15 > 0:16:19I just wish everybody who's living with one other person

0:16:19 > 0:16:23the best of luck in the world because it's fantastic!

0:16:23 > 0:16:25And... Spoken like a happily married man.

0:16:27 > 0:16:30Yeah, and also a man who has a dog that he loves.

0:16:30 > 0:16:33Well, at least...that's not incest...

0:16:33 > 0:16:36Politics is languishing in a stale funk,

0:16:36 > 0:16:39a bit like a soap in its 86th year, one that's run out of ideas

0:16:39 > 0:16:41and is stuck with a cast list everyone's sick of.

0:16:41 > 0:16:44Nick Clegg's a phone-in host, moonlighting as Deputy PM,

0:16:44 > 0:16:48David Cameron looks like Angela Lansbury wearing a fleshy man suit,

0:16:48 > 0:16:51and Ed Miliband has thus far failed to inspire the population,

0:16:51 > 0:16:55as anyone who saw Channel 4's coverage of his campaigning in Crawley can vouch for.

0:16:55 > 0:16:58He wants to be Prime Minister. Oh, does he? Of Crawley?

0:16:58 > 0:17:01No, no. Prime Minister of the country. Oh, Jesus!

0:17:01 > 0:17:04Little wonder people embrace almost any alternative -

0:17:04 > 0:17:06cue footage of Nigel Farage.

0:17:06 > 0:17:09Guffawing Admiral Ackbar lookalike, pint magnet

0:17:09 > 0:17:11and man of the people impersonator Nigel Farage impressed

0:17:11 > 0:17:14a sizeable chunk of the voting population with his non-racist,

0:17:14 > 0:17:18unracist, racistless, absolutely not racist party UKIP, whose

0:17:18 > 0:17:21members, when interviewed, routinely describe themselves as "not racist".

0:17:21 > 0:17:25Totally unprompted, they brought up the issue of race.

0:17:25 > 0:17:28We are not closet racists, we're not racists at all.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30As do their supporters.

0:17:30 > 0:17:33They've got some good policies, I think. Such as? Immigration.

0:17:34 > 0:17:36I'm not being racialist, but, you know.

0:17:36 > 0:17:38Why do they keep having to say they're not racist?

0:17:38 > 0:17:41Maybe they're defensive because as the coverage made clear,

0:17:41 > 0:17:44even casual passers-by keep accusing them of being racist.

0:17:44 > 0:17:46Oh, and homophobes.

0:17:46 > 0:17:50Racist homophobes! Homophobes?! That man says racists and homophobes. Does he?

0:17:50 > 0:17:52Well, there we are. I don't think we're homophobes.

0:17:52 > 0:17:55Despite such hiccups, UKIP did well in May's local elections,

0:17:55 > 0:17:59winning 150 seats and seriously spooking the other parties.

0:17:59 > 0:18:03But with startling speed, Operation UKIP started to look a bit wobbly.

0:18:03 > 0:18:04During a tour of Edinburgh,

0:18:04 > 0:18:06which looked exactly the way he always imagined it did,

0:18:06 > 0:18:08Farage learned his everyman charm

0:18:08 > 0:18:11didn't function north of the border, as depicted in uncomfortable scenes

0:18:11 > 0:18:13on Channel 4 News when a group

0:18:13 > 0:18:17of ill-wishers serenaded him with some traditional folk off songs.

0:18:17 > 0:18:19# Shove your Union Jack up your arse. #

0:18:19 > 0:18:21Ah! So this is it.

0:18:21 > 0:18:23Sensing change in the air,

0:18:23 > 0:18:26the media began subjecting the party to more scrutiny,

0:18:26 > 0:18:29even asking UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom

0:18:29 > 0:18:31to defend Farage's trademark lifestyle.

0:18:31 > 0:18:34Perhaps he smokes and drinks too much as well.

0:18:34 > 0:18:38Well, he's never pretended to be a priest and if you don't mind me

0:18:38 > 0:18:42suggesting, I regard that as a rather impertinent remark.

0:18:42 > 0:18:45How dare you suggest he should smoke or drink...

0:18:45 > 0:18:47What the hell has it got to do with you?

0:18:47 > 0:18:51A robust defence there, although it soon transpired that Bloom,

0:18:51 > 0:18:54a sort of blustering sitcom colonel from a previous century

0:18:54 > 0:18:57who'd fallen through time, wound up here and was furious about it,

0:18:57 > 0:19:00was the very last person Farage needed speaking up on his behalf.

0:19:00 > 0:19:03Soon, Bloom whammed his ruddy foot in it when news cameras caught him

0:19:03 > 0:19:06referring to a colourful imaginary kingdom that lives in his head

0:19:06 > 0:19:07and steals his money.

0:19:07 > 0:19:10How we can possibly be giving ?1 billion a month when

0:19:10 > 0:19:15we're in this sort of debt to Bongo Bongo Land is completely beyond me.

0:19:15 > 0:19:18Ha-ha(!) And you can see more of Godfrey Bloom's hilarious

0:19:18 > 0:19:21non-PC routines on his official stand-up DVD.

0:19:21 > 0:19:25Apparently bemused to discover the phrase "Bongo Bongo Land"

0:19:25 > 0:19:26was offensive in the future,

0:19:26 > 0:19:29Bloom popped up in an illuminating interview on Channel 4 News

0:19:29 > 0:19:32to apologise in the most unapologetic way imaginable.

0:19:32 > 0:19:35Nigel Farage clearly thinks Bongo Bongo Land is a racist phrase,

0:19:35 > 0:19:39doesn't he? I think he does, and again, it's a generation thing.

0:19:39 > 0:19:42I'm an older man and I don't see it that way.

0:19:42 > 0:19:44But if he tells me so, it must be so.

0:19:44 > 0:19:47So you still don't understand why it is?

0:19:48 > 0:19:50No.

0:19:50 > 0:19:52But impossibly, even worse was to come.

0:19:52 > 0:19:56By now, Farage was doing his best to reinvigorate interest in UKIP

0:19:56 > 0:19:59with a grand conference in front of impressed news cameras,

0:19:59 > 0:20:02including an inspiring star turn from Neil Hamilton.

0:20:02 > 0:20:05So it's shoulders to the wheel, noses to the grindstone,

0:20:05 > 0:20:08let's go forward to victory!

0:20:08 > 0:20:10But this stirring scene was overshadowed

0:20:10 > 0:20:14by naughty boots Godfrey again who was recorded using the word "sluts"

0:20:14 > 0:20:17at a UKIP meeting, which then dominated the news coverage.

0:20:24 > 0:20:29Bloom later explained that once again he'd misplaced his Past-Present Translation Dictionary

0:20:29 > 0:20:31and had fallen victim to the language barrier.

0:20:31 > 0:20:33He explained to the BBC's Newsnight

0:20:33 > 0:20:36that he meant the very old-fashioned meaning of the word "slut".

0:20:36 > 0:20:39It means, you know, untidy, you leave your kit lying around.

0:20:39 > 0:20:41Has your mother never called you a slut?

0:20:41 > 0:20:44No, I don't think she has! Perhaps you're very tidy.

0:20:44 > 0:20:47By now, it was clear Bloom was box office gold for the news,

0:20:47 > 0:20:48but box office poison for UKIP

0:20:48 > 0:20:51and when Channel 4's hilarious professional goader Michael Crick

0:20:51 > 0:20:54followed him up the street to ask why there were no black faces

0:20:54 > 0:20:57on the UKIP manifesto, Bloom went full Hulk.

0:20:57 > 0:20:58You, sir, are a racist!

0:20:58 > 0:21:02Why am I racist for saying there aren't any black people?

0:21:02 > 0:21:07You've checked out the colour of people's faces?! Disgraceful! Disgraceful!

0:21:07 > 0:21:11Of course, he was actually thwacking Crick in the traditional old-fashioned sense of a thwacking.

0:21:11 > 0:21:16The kind of playful admonishment you dish out to a slut from Bongo Bongo Land.

0:21:16 > 0:21:19By now, as the news impassively recorded, Bloom's boss, Farage,

0:21:19 > 0:21:22had to sadly acknowledge his conference had been spoilt,

0:21:22 > 0:21:24while playing an invisible bongo.

0:21:24 > 0:21:27We cannot have any one individual

0:21:27 > 0:21:29destroying UKIP's national conference.

0:21:29 > 0:21:33And with that, Godfrey was finally cast out into the dark,

0:21:33 > 0:21:36or Bongo Bongo Land, as he probably calls it.

0:21:36 > 0:21:39There was this programme called Broken Bad,

0:21:39 > 0:21:40like a chemistry programme,

0:21:40 > 0:21:44but with acting in it to keep the science interesting.

0:21:44 > 0:21:48It was really good, like really atmospheric, and it was

0:21:48 > 0:21:52presented by this bloke who was sort of clever but like a bit ill.

0:21:52 > 0:21:55I think he had a cold or something.

0:21:55 > 0:21:57HE COUGHS

0:21:57 > 0:21:59Sometimes, he'd be coughing and you'd think,

0:21:59 > 0:22:03shouldn't they just wait to film this when he's better?

0:22:03 > 0:22:04HE COUGHS

0:22:04 > 0:22:07It was a bit like Top Gear, but for drugs.

0:22:07 > 0:22:10So he was like Jeremy Clarkson and he had this funny little sidekick

0:22:10 > 0:22:12who was like his Richard Hammond,

0:22:12 > 0:22:14but who got all depressed

0:22:14 > 0:22:16because of some relationship problem or something,

0:22:16 > 0:22:19where his girlfriend got a stomach bug and just lay around in bed.

0:22:19 > 0:22:22The main bloke kept making crystals,

0:22:22 > 0:22:25a bit like my auntie who had a shop in Stafford selling crystals

0:22:25 > 0:22:29and dreamcatchers and things, but he made loads of money out of it,

0:22:29 > 0:22:32whereas my auntie had to close her shop in 2009

0:22:32 > 0:22:34because it never really caught on.

0:22:34 > 0:22:38He was mental, this presenter. You never knew what he was going to do next.

0:22:38 > 0:22:40One minute, he'd be running round in his pants

0:22:40 > 0:22:42and then he'd cut all his hair off,

0:22:42 > 0:22:45or turn up in a silly hat, or plastic dungarees.

0:22:45 > 0:22:47He was proper bonkers,

0:22:47 > 0:22:50like Chris Evans used to be on the Big Breakfast.

0:22:50 > 0:22:52You had to watch it because everyone was watching it.

0:22:52 > 0:22:54If you weren't watching it,

0:22:54 > 0:22:57people who were watching it kept saying, "Are you watching it?"

0:22:57 > 0:23:00And you'd have to say, "No, I'm not watching it,"

0:23:00 > 0:23:02but you'd think, "I should be watching it,"

0:23:02 > 0:23:05so then you'd start watching it and then you'd be like,

0:23:05 > 0:23:06"Why am I watching this?

0:23:06 > 0:23:08"Because for a chemistry show, it's really sad."

0:23:08 > 0:23:11What was weird was it wasn't on real television.

0:23:11 > 0:23:15You had to watch it on this sort of computer television thing,

0:23:15 > 0:23:18but it was really well done, better than it used to be.

0:23:18 > 0:23:21Like when they used to use computers to do telly in the olden days,

0:23:21 > 0:23:24in that entertaining Dire Straits music video thing.

0:23:24 > 0:23:28If you look closely, you could sort of tell it wasn't real

0:23:28 > 0:23:31because they weren't quite right. Their knees weren't quite right.

0:23:31 > 0:23:34But in Breaking Bad, it was so well done,

0:23:34 > 0:23:37you'd never think it was all computer people at all.

0:23:37 > 0:23:40Like, the knees were spot on! It was amazing!

0:23:40 > 0:23:42Thing is, everyone said it was brilliant

0:23:42 > 0:23:46and the best programme ever, but it can't be that good

0:23:46 > 0:23:50because it finished and apparently, it's never coming back.

0:23:50 > 0:23:51When Amanda Berry escaped

0:23:51 > 0:23:54from the house where she'd been held captive for a decade,

0:23:54 > 0:23:57along with Georgina Dejesus and Michelle Knight,

0:23:57 > 0:23:59the news had a dilemma.

0:23:59 > 0:24:01Here was a feel-good rescue narrative,

0:24:01 > 0:24:04but it was inexorably tethered to an unimaginably grim tale of rape

0:24:04 > 0:24:07and imprisonment almost too depressing to contemplate,

0:24:07 > 0:24:10but fortunately, it came with a side order of light relief,

0:24:10 > 0:24:12in the form of one of the rescuers.

0:24:12 > 0:24:13I knew something was wrong

0:24:13 > 0:24:16when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms.

0:24:16 > 0:24:18Something is wrong here!

0:24:18 > 0:24:20Dead giveaway!

0:24:20 > 0:24:24This was Charles Ramsey, a local character and born performer,

0:24:24 > 0:24:25who was soon amusing viewers

0:24:25 > 0:24:28with his distinctive ghetto-speak soundbites.

0:24:28 > 0:24:30You got some big testicles to pull this off, bro!

0:24:30 > 0:24:32Cos we see this dude every day!

0:24:32 > 0:24:35Inevitably, broadcasters seized on this one bright spark

0:24:35 > 0:24:39in an otherwise dark story and Ramsey became an overnight star,

0:24:39 > 0:24:42accorded the ultimate tribute modern society has to offer -

0:24:42 > 0:24:44an amusing auto-tuned internet tribute of his own.

0:24:44 > 0:24:47# I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl

0:24:47 > 0:24:49# Ran into a black man's arms

0:24:49 > 0:24:52# Dead giveaway

0:24:52 > 0:24:55# My neighbour got big testicles cos we see this dude every day. #

0:24:55 > 0:24:58But with the women thankfully recovering in private,

0:24:58 > 0:25:00Ramsey had become the focus of the story,

0:25:00 > 0:25:02dragged from interview to interview in which hosts repeatedly

0:25:02 > 0:25:05hailed him as a hero, despite him constantly trying to say he wasn't.

0:25:05 > 0:25:08When they keep saying I'm a hero, let me tell you something,

0:25:08 > 0:25:11I'm American and I'm a human being, I'm just like you.

0:25:11 > 0:25:14Soon, he was appearing bleary-eyed on Good Morning America,

0:25:14 > 0:25:16not quite performing as well as expected,

0:25:16 > 0:25:20and viewers began to wonder what he was doing in the spotlight.

0:25:20 > 0:25:22How are you feeling? I'm happy.

0:25:22 > 0:25:24You know... I'm...you know.

0:25:24 > 0:25:27Then the media apparently turned on him, trying to disprove his story...

0:25:27 > 0:25:31Not everyone agrees with Charles Ramsey's account of what happened.

0:25:31 > 0:25:34Some neighbours telling On The Record the rescue went down differently.

0:25:34 > 0:25:37..as well as uncovering unsavoury information about his past.

0:25:37 > 0:25:39You have been in jail.

0:25:39 > 0:25:42You got that right!

0:25:42 > 0:25:46So there was a domestic violence? With my wife? Oh, yeah.

0:25:46 > 0:25:48Basically, Charles Ramsey went through

0:25:48 > 0:25:51the trad celebrity career trajectory -

0:25:51 > 0:25:52fame, worship, disappointment

0:25:52 > 0:25:54and then backlash in record time.

0:25:54 > 0:25:58Ramsey mania was all but extinguished after four days.

0:25:58 > 0:26:01We're getting more efficient at dismissing people, basically.

0:26:01 > 0:26:04By next year, it should be possible to do it in just four hours.

0:26:04 > 0:26:07In June, humanoids worldwide began dancing

0:26:07 > 0:26:10and wanking to the toe-tapping sound of Blurred Lines,

0:26:10 > 0:26:12a song which came with an eye-popping video starring

0:26:12 > 0:26:16Simon Cowell doppelganger Robin Thicke.

0:26:16 > 0:26:17I say he looks like Simon Cowell,

0:26:17 > 0:26:20actually, he looks more like what the offspring would look like

0:26:20 > 0:26:24if Simon Cowell had sex with Ricky Martin, which hasn't happened and never will.

0:26:24 > 0:26:27It was hard to notice at first, but if you looked carefully,

0:26:27 > 0:26:31you might have spotted the video also contained fleeting glimpses of naked women.

0:26:31 > 0:26:33Not totally naked, obviously, that would be gratuitous.

0:26:33 > 0:26:34They've got pants on,

0:26:34 > 0:26:37so you don't get to see any of the really biological stuff

0:26:37 > 0:26:40they used to put in special magazines before the internet,

0:26:40 > 0:26:44which is why all the women in the video get to retain their innate feminine dignity.

0:26:44 > 0:26:46The cheery objectification was interspersed

0:26:46 > 0:26:48by screen-sized hashtags so viewers would know what to tweet

0:26:48 > 0:26:50the moment they'd finished masturbating.

0:26:50 > 0:26:55Trouble is, the sight of dancing nude women made it tricky to even notice the writing was there

0:26:55 > 0:26:58because you sort of stared right past it, turning the writing itself

0:26:58 > 0:27:01into just a load of blurred lines, which is sort of mind-blowing!

0:27:01 > 0:27:03This ground-breaking combination of tits and arse

0:27:03 > 0:27:07racked up a phenomenal amount of hits on YouTube.

0:27:07 > 0:27:09There was also a clean version where the women had clothes on.

0:27:09 > 0:27:12Apparently. No-one's ever actually clicked on it to check.

0:27:12 > 0:27:15Perhaps, unsurprisingly, there was an abrupt backlash

0:27:15 > 0:27:17as people complained about the video and some of the lyrics,

0:27:17 > 0:27:20which sounded a bit suspect.

0:27:20 > 0:27:23# I know you want it

0:27:23 > 0:27:25# I know you want it. #

0:27:25 > 0:27:26In illuminating scenes,

0:27:26 > 0:27:29clever Thicke brightened populist US talk shows

0:27:29 > 0:27:31by explaining how pure his motives had been.

0:27:31 > 0:27:33We were just trying to make a funny silly song

0:27:33 > 0:27:37and some of the lyrics are very easy to think that we're trying to say something negative,

0:27:37 > 0:27:40but the other lyrics are saying man is not your maker

0:27:40 > 0:27:41and we're empowering women.

0:27:41 > 0:27:44Yes, it turned out everyone who was offended was wrong and stupid

0:27:44 > 0:27:46and this was actually about empowering women,

0:27:46 > 0:27:48specifically naked women.

0:27:48 > 0:27:52And quite right too! Why shouldn't a naked woman be allowed to do anything a fully clothed man can?

0:27:52 > 0:27:56For too long, naked women have been afraid to walk around with their mouths shut

0:27:56 > 0:27:59while loads of men they can't see look at them and masturbate,

0:27:59 > 0:28:01but this brave pioneering statement said,

0:28:01 > 0:28:04"Hey, it's OK. It's OK for naked women to do that.

0:28:04 > 0:28:07"In fact, this is the way things should be!

0:28:07 > 0:28:11"This is exactly how a truly just society would look."

0:28:11 > 0:28:13Anyway, by releasing a novelty single,

0:28:13 > 0:28:16maybe Robin Thicke was merely following in the footsteps of his dad, Alan Thicke,

0:28:16 > 0:28:19who also was a dab hand at peddling cheesy pop shit,

0:28:19 > 0:28:24as this illuminating footage of his bracing performance of Sweaty And Hot from the remarkable

0:28:24 > 0:28:271988 National Aerobic Championships amply demonstrates.

0:28:27 > 0:28:31# Ready or not, I'm coming, baby

0:28:31 > 0:28:35# Maybe I've got some muscle for you

0:28:35 > 0:28:40# Sweaty and hot I'm pumping iron and when I'm done

0:28:40 > 0:28:44# You're going to beg me to have some big time fun, oh darling

0:28:44 > 0:28:47# I work my body out just for you. #

0:28:47 > 0:28:51A cynic might suggest the sudden increase in intensely titillating

0:28:51 > 0:28:54music videos is somehow related to the news that YouTube views

0:28:54 > 0:28:56now count towards a single's US chart position.

0:28:56 > 0:29:00It may not have escaped your attention that we've sort of had our cake and eaten it

0:29:00 > 0:29:03by showing gratuitous nudey lady imagery while also sort of decrying it.

0:29:03 > 0:29:06So to balance it out, here's a screen full of dicks.

0:29:06 > 0:29:10Also in June, the BBC Newsroom got its very own 3D holographic news Queen.

0:29:10 > 0:29:14Today, an unique moment with a very special Royal guest.

0:29:18 > 0:29:22Yes, Her Majesty, The Woman, visited the BBC's new Broadcasting House

0:29:22 > 0:29:25to check the Corporation had been thoroughly de-Saviled.

0:29:25 > 0:29:28And as part of that tour, she got to visit Radio 1

0:29:28 > 0:29:32and be sung at by her favourite singer ever, Danny from The Script.

0:29:34 > 0:29:36# Oh, I

0:29:36 > 0:29:38# I wish you could swim. #

0:29:40 > 0:29:44It was unclear how much the Queen enjoyed the performance.

0:29:44 > 0:29:46No, it wasn't.

0:29:46 > 0:29:48Tennis now and there was a lot of come on Andy this summer.

0:29:48 > 0:29:51Don't know how he coped with all that on his back.

0:29:51 > 0:29:55Yes, in a nail-biting final, broadcast in exhilarating detail live on TV,

0:29:55 > 0:29:59Andy Murray put an end to years of Britons not winning Wimbledon by winning Wimbledon,

0:29:59 > 0:30:02thereby allowing millions of Britons who haven't won Wimbledon

0:30:02 > 0:30:04to feel a bit like they'd somehow won Wimbledon.

0:30:04 > 0:30:06Proving there was no end to his heroism,

0:30:06 > 0:30:09he then went on The One Show and saved Alex Jones from a bee.

0:30:09 > 0:30:13Oh. You've got a bee there. Oh. I don't like bees.

0:30:13 > 0:30:16And that wasn't the end of July's nice news.

0:30:16 > 0:30:20Apparently, for some reason, most people think that babies are nice.

0:30:20 > 0:30:22When the Duchess of Cambridge went into labour,

0:30:22 > 0:30:26it prompted an instant media siege outside the hospital.

0:30:26 > 0:30:28But the news wouldn't just plop effortlessly

0:30:28 > 0:30:29into the reporters' laps.

0:30:29 > 0:30:32Even though, that is apparently exactly how childbirth works.

0:30:32 > 0:30:34For hours, nothing was happening

0:30:34 > 0:30:35on the hottest day in seven years,

0:30:35 > 0:30:38creating a vacuum of desperation akin to watching suited dogs

0:30:38 > 0:30:41die in a hot car.

0:30:41 > 0:30:45So far, here at the Lindo wing of St Mary's Hospital in Paddington,

0:30:45 > 0:30:46there is no news.

0:30:46 > 0:30:48And, what do we know? Well, not much.

0:30:48 > 0:30:51What news? Er, no... Really, no further news.

0:30:51 > 0:30:54Hundreds of the world's media here to report the news,

0:30:54 > 0:30:56that there is no news.

0:30:56 > 0:30:59Man of the match was the BBC's Simon McCoy whose obvious irritation

0:30:59 > 0:31:02at having to stand around doing shit-all for hours

0:31:02 > 0:31:03in the name of regal deference,

0:31:03 > 0:31:07made him a beacon of cool sanity in a river of white-hot bibble.

0:31:07 > 0:31:09I can tell you what all the media are talking about,

0:31:09 > 0:31:11and that's what time they think they can get lunch.

0:31:11 > 0:31:14Never have so many people gathered together in one place

0:31:14 > 0:31:16with absolutely nothing to say.

0:31:16 > 0:31:19When not blasting us with his own bracing straight talk,

0:31:19 > 0:31:22he was sharing messages of goodwill from excited viewers.

0:31:22 > 0:31:25"Come on, BBC, people do have babies(!)

0:31:25 > 0:31:29"Stop saying the same thing over and over, give us the rest of the news."

0:31:29 > 0:31:32And then another one, "What a load of sycophantic rubbish!

0:31:32 > 0:31:34"Another de-de-dah royal for the public to support.

0:31:34 > 0:31:37Later in the year, McCoy cemented his reputation as Britain's

0:31:37 > 0:31:40foremost situationist newsmen, by appearing live on air

0:31:40 > 0:31:43clutching a ream of paper for no apparent reason.

0:31:43 > 0:31:46Apparently, he'd mistaken that huge block of paper for an iPad -

0:31:46 > 0:31:47an easy mistake to make if,

0:31:47 > 0:31:50like him, you've never physically touched or lifted an object before.

0:31:50 > 0:31:53Meanwhile, back at the world's hottest door,

0:31:53 > 0:31:55Sky's resident Fun Fuhrer Kay Burley

0:31:55 > 0:31:57gamely tried to maintain the bubbly mood,

0:31:57 > 0:32:00but instead exhibited the feverish desperation of someone

0:32:00 > 0:32:03trying to keep a kid's birthday party going during a hostage crisis.

0:32:03 > 0:32:06What do your friends think? They think I'm crazy.

0:32:07 > 0:32:11Finally - putting us all out of an agony that frankly dwarfs labour -

0:32:11 > 0:32:13Kate made a boy.

0:32:13 > 0:32:16It is a son born at 4:24 pm.

0:32:16 > 0:32:19Yes, after standing in the street all day talking about nothing

0:32:19 > 0:32:20until their minds turned to wax,

0:32:20 > 0:32:23the global news media had to read the news off the internet,

0:32:23 > 0:32:24like we all did.

0:32:24 > 0:32:26Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge

0:32:26 > 0:32:30was safely delivered of a son at 4:24 pm.

0:32:30 > 0:32:34Their ordeal over, an outpouring of relief disguised as emotion exploded

0:32:34 > 0:32:36and Kay Burley went crowd-surfing,

0:32:36 > 0:32:39triumphantly breaking the news to delighted onlookers.

0:32:39 > 0:32:41Hi! Congrat... What fantastic news!

0:32:41 > 0:32:43Did you hear the news?

0:32:43 > 0:32:46You haven't heard the news? She can't speak English.

0:32:46 > 0:32:48She can't speak English. We are Brazilian.

0:32:48 > 0:32:52Thanks to Twitter and human mouths, everyone Kay spoke to already knew,

0:32:52 > 0:32:54which meant that rather than breaking news,

0:32:54 > 0:32:58she was merely reiterating it to some slightly odd people.

0:32:58 > 0:33:01Very exciting. Very, very exciting.

0:33:01 > 0:33:05I was hoping for a boy, you know.

0:33:05 > 0:33:08The news is a black boy.

0:33:08 > 0:33:11Reporters were also stalking Kate's hometown of Bucklebury -

0:33:11 > 0:33:14a tax-funded fictional location based on Midsomer,

0:33:14 > 0:33:17where they managed to break the news to a woman who apparently found

0:33:17 > 0:33:19the very concept of gender incredible.

0:33:19 > 0:33:22It's a boy. No way! Yeah. Really? Yeah.

0:33:22 > 0:33:24You're lying! It's true.

0:33:24 > 0:33:27What's your reaction? I think it's absolutely amazing!

0:33:27 > 0:33:29Really? You're just saying that!

0:33:29 > 0:33:31No, it's true! Really? It's a boy?!

0:33:31 > 0:33:34Everybody crowded into Bucklebury's local to join the celebrations.

0:33:34 > 0:33:38When I say everyone, I'm including, obviously, David White's horse.

0:33:38 > 0:33:40We had a horse in earlier, celebrating.

0:33:40 > 0:33:43He heard it was a baby boy, in he came.

0:33:43 > 0:33:46We had David White's horse in here. We couldn't believe it.

0:33:46 > 0:33:48Hope you asked him why the long face?!

0:33:48 > 0:33:51The following day, the Duke and Duchess granted the world

0:33:51 > 0:33:53an exciting glimpse of Prince George's head,

0:33:53 > 0:33:56then got in a big car and sodded off, with some reporters impressed

0:33:56 > 0:33:59that a qualified search and rescue helicopter pilot

0:33:59 > 0:34:00can manage a baby seat.

0:34:00 > 0:34:03There was some fiddling with the straps,

0:34:03 > 0:34:05and then William was satisfied.

0:34:05 > 0:34:08Radical cleric and hairy Dexys Midnight Runners front man

0:34:08 > 0:34:10Abu Qatada was finally deported from the UK

0:34:10 > 0:34:13following more than a decade of terror allegations.

0:34:13 > 0:34:16The process took 12 years, during which time he'd not been allowed to shave

0:34:16 > 0:34:19in the hope he'd eventually imprison himself in his own beard.

0:34:19 > 0:34:22If he'd wanted to stay in Britain, he would've had to prove

0:34:22 > 0:34:25there were no British terrorists who could do his job equally well.

0:34:25 > 0:34:27But he couldn't do that, so he was instead led to a plane

0:34:27 > 0:34:29without apparently bothering to pack any hand luggage.

0:34:29 > 0:34:33If he'd been Abu Hamza, I could've made a joke here about HOOK luggage,

0:34:33 > 0:34:35but he isn't, the bastard!

0:34:35 > 0:34:36Actually, hang on, don't put him on a plane -

0:34:36 > 0:34:39that's like giving him a gun, you maniacs!

0:34:39 > 0:34:41There was this Newsnight programme

0:34:41 > 0:34:44which used to be all boring and serious

0:34:44 > 0:34:47but now it's like Rude Tube with Alex Zane,

0:34:47 > 0:34:49except without Alex Zane

0:34:49 > 0:34:51and a little bit more news than he does.

0:34:51 > 0:34:53Be careful out there. Good night.

0:34:53 > 0:34:56MUSIC STARTS: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

0:34:57 > 0:35:00You never knew what they'd do next.

0:35:00 > 0:35:02Like, they put all these comedy things in,

0:35:02 > 0:35:05like doing Michael Jackson or talking to puppets,

0:35:05 > 0:35:07like, crazy stuff.

0:35:07 > 0:35:10We're fortunate enough to be joined by him now from our studio

0:35:10 > 0:35:13at BBC Westminster. Cookie Monster, why Britain? Why the BBC?

0:35:13 > 0:35:16Cookie! MUNCHES NOISILY

0:35:16 > 0:35:18Laurence Llewellyn Bowen was on Newsnight, right.

0:35:18 > 0:35:20And he was speaking to this Jeremy man,

0:35:20 > 0:35:23who looks sort of like a modern Father Christmas and everything.

0:35:23 > 0:35:26And Laurence was telling him all about politics,

0:35:26 > 0:35:28coming out with all these really interesting theories

0:35:28 > 0:35:31that you could tell Jeremy hadn't thought of before.

0:35:31 > 0:35:34Anyway, it was unpredictable because the pirate one

0:35:34 > 0:35:37would be really chirpy and then suddenly go all serious.

0:35:37 > 0:35:41So, I'm a person with crazy hair, quite a good sense of humour,

0:35:41 > 0:35:43don't know much about politics, I'm ideal.

0:35:43 > 0:35:46But is it true you don't even vote? Yeah, no, I don't vote.

0:35:46 > 0:35:49He was good. I've always thought I should get more interested in politics.

0:35:49 > 0:35:51But now I know I don't have to.

0:35:51 > 0:35:55You've never, ever voted? No. Do you think that's really bad?

0:35:55 > 0:35:56I don't vote either.

0:35:56 > 0:35:58I might if it was someone proper

0:35:58 > 0:36:00like Bono, or Sherlock Holmes, or something.

0:36:00 > 0:36:02But the one time I went to vote,

0:36:02 > 0:36:05it was just all these names of local people, like Colin whatever

0:36:05 > 0:36:07or Shaban, or something.

0:36:07 > 0:36:11And you've not heard of 'em. So, how d'you know who's good?

0:36:11 > 0:36:12What was good about him was that,

0:36:12 > 0:36:15even though he'd made millions of pounds doing Changing Rooms,

0:36:15 > 0:36:19he still cares enough to go on TV and call for a revolution.

0:36:19 > 0:36:22There's gonna be a revolution! It's totally going to happen.

0:36:22 > 0:36:25I ain't got a flicker of doubt. This is the END!

0:36:25 > 0:36:28People were like, "Oh, he shouldn't say that."

0:36:28 > 0:36:31Revolutions are bad because they get all gunfire-y and thousands die.

0:36:31 > 0:36:33But he meant revolution of the mind,

0:36:33 > 0:36:37which is better than real revolution because nothing actually happens.

0:36:37 > 0:36:40Quite often when you see who the guest is on This Morning,

0:36:40 > 0:36:41you mutter, "Jesus Christ!"

0:36:41 > 0:36:44Well, for one brief moment this summer, you'd have been right!

0:36:44 > 0:36:48That man there, controversially claims that he is Jesus Christ,

0:36:48 > 0:36:52that 2,000 years after the crucifixion, he's come back to Earth.

0:36:52 > 0:36:54Not only that. Have a look at this.

0:36:54 > 0:36:57The lady who's with him, that's his other half, she is Mary Magdalene.

0:36:57 > 0:36:59She says that's who she is.

0:36:59 > 0:37:02She says she remembers watching in horror

0:37:02 > 0:37:04as Jesus was nailed to the cross.

0:37:04 > 0:37:06We're talking 2,000 years ago.

0:37:06 > 0:37:09They believe it. Will you believe it?

0:37:09 > 0:37:12I don't even believe in the real made-up Jesus, Eamonn,

0:37:12 > 0:37:14let alone your weird made up made-up Jesus.

0:37:14 > 0:37:18And if you could put a question to Jesus, what would be?

0:37:18 > 0:37:21Erm...which is worse - crucifixion or This Morning?

0:37:21 > 0:37:24Yes, in a hypnotic and potentially world-changing interview,

0:37:24 > 0:37:28it transpired that Christ is a cross between Pat Cash and Cliff Richard

0:37:28 > 0:37:31and has returned to Earth in the form of an annoying Australian.

0:37:31 > 0:37:34What do I call you? Do I call you Jesus, my Lord...?

0:37:34 > 0:37:38What do I call you? AJ? Definitely not my Lord. I am nobody's Lord.

0:37:38 > 0:37:41Just call me AJ, like, my name is Jesus, obviously,

0:37:41 > 0:37:44but most people don't feel comfortable calling me Jesus.

0:37:44 > 0:37:46I'm comfortable calling you BLEEP deluded.

0:37:46 > 0:37:50How does it feel, though, Jesus, talking to us today,

0:37:50 > 0:37:53and everybody watching at home,

0:37:53 > 0:37:58and knowing that 99.9% of that audience are mocking you,

0:37:58 > 0:38:02are laughing at you, are saying this man is bonkers...?

0:38:02 > 0:38:05I don't know, Eamonn, how DOES that feel?

0:38:05 > 0:38:08Is the Second Coming more difficult than the First Coming?

0:38:08 > 0:38:11Hm. In my experience, yes, it is.

0:38:11 > 0:38:14August, that's a time of year, isn't it? August.

0:38:14 > 0:38:16What happened in August? Have a look.

0:38:16 > 0:38:18ITV continued its online campaign to redefine

0:38:18 > 0:38:21horror for the 21st century, with the nightmarish

0:38:21 > 0:38:22Your Face Sounds Familiar -

0:38:22 > 0:38:24a body-swap talent-rejecting competition

0:38:24 > 0:38:26in which celebrities don prosthetics and wigs

0:38:26 > 0:38:28pretending to be way more famous pop stars,

0:38:28 > 0:38:30then slaughter their biggest hits

0:38:30 > 0:38:33in perhaps the single most depressing event to hit the world

0:38:33 > 0:38:35of traditional light entertainment since Operation Yewtree.

0:38:35 > 0:38:39Here, for instance, we see Bobby Davro getting into Tammy Wynette -

0:38:39 > 0:38:41thankfully not in an internet sex tape kind of way.

0:38:41 > 0:38:47# Sometimes it's hard to be a woman... #

0:38:49 > 0:38:52Actually, it did inspire me to work on my Kurt Cobain impression.

0:38:52 > 0:38:54It's nearly there.

0:38:54 > 0:38:56Just need to work a bit more courage

0:38:56 > 0:38:59or watch this bullshit for two more minutes.

0:38:59 > 0:39:01As you could see, the show would cross gender boundaries

0:39:01 > 0:39:03with hilarious results,

0:39:03 > 0:39:06here transforming Alexander Armstrong into Susan Boyle.

0:39:06 > 0:39:12# I had a dream that love would never die... #

0:39:12 > 0:39:14Which is hilarious, because... Well, just because it is.

0:39:14 > 0:39:17Go on, laugh! Laugh! Laugh at it, it's funny!

0:39:17 > 0:39:20Laugh at the funny thing. Laugh, come on!

0:39:20 > 0:39:22That's what you're given - LAUGH!

0:39:22 > 0:39:24Despite thinking nothing of leaping the gender divide,

0:39:24 > 0:39:27the show was way more squeamish about racial differences,

0:39:27 > 0:39:30meaning Denise Lewis was permanently trapped

0:39:30 > 0:39:32inside the body of a black woman.

0:39:32 > 0:39:34You could be any of them.

0:39:34 > 0:39:37No such delicacies marked the Greek version of the show

0:39:37 > 0:39:40as you can see from this startling scene, in which a blonde celeb,

0:39:40 > 0:39:42who's probably famous for eating potatoes or something -

0:39:42 > 0:39:46I can't be arsed to Google it - is transmogrified into Stevie Wonder.

0:39:46 > 0:39:49A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four!

0:39:53 > 0:39:57"Racist" you type into Twitter like a rat trained to jab phones,

0:39:57 > 0:39:58but which is more racist -

0:39:58 > 0:40:00the programme for making that woman black up,

0:40:00 > 0:40:03or the entire British version for keeping the races apart,

0:40:03 > 0:40:06just like apartheid, eh? Think about it. Yeah.

0:40:06 > 0:40:09Put that in your noggin and give it a little think-around for Christmas.

0:40:09 > 0:40:11And then give us a kiss.

0:40:11 > 0:40:13The Great British Bake Off once again somehow managed

0:40:13 > 0:40:16to pummel drama into a programme revolving around the correct use

0:40:16 > 0:40:17of leavening agents,

0:40:17 > 0:40:20beneath the chummy raised eyebrows of lady Ant and Dec

0:40:20 > 0:40:23and the judgmental gaze of national matriarch Mary Berry,

0:40:23 > 0:40:25played here by Glenn Close,

0:40:25 > 0:40:27and laser-eyed barn owl Paul Hollywood,

0:40:27 > 0:40:29who often looked like he was about to start line dancing.

0:40:29 > 0:40:31Although disappointingly, he never did.

0:40:31 > 0:40:33The final was a tense battle of crusts

0:40:33 > 0:40:35between self-flagellating philosophy student Ruby,

0:40:35 > 0:40:38Kimberley who had three facial settings -

0:40:38 > 0:40:40concentrating, smiley, and very smiley -

0:40:40 > 0:40:42and Francis whose artistically elaborate offerings

0:40:42 > 0:40:44often tasted as good as a Damien Hirst.

0:40:44 > 0:40:47The rhubarb is useless. What'll it do with the ginger?

0:40:47 > 0:40:50There was minor controversy when some viewers complained that

0:40:50 > 0:40:52Ruby was only being put through each week on the basis of her looks,

0:40:52 > 0:40:56which is really unfair because Glenn was the best-looking one.

0:40:56 > 0:40:57It wasn't the only elimination contest.

0:40:57 > 0:41:00Steel-hearted ostensible business simulator

0:41:00 > 0:41:02and solid gold prat farm The Apprentice

0:41:02 > 0:41:04also returned for the 300th year running.

0:41:04 > 0:41:07This year's male contingent of prospective Sugar-lovers,

0:41:07 > 0:41:11included Curious George, Tony Blair, a Jimmy Carr sex doll,

0:41:11 > 0:41:12Russell Crowe, Gok Wan,

0:41:12 > 0:41:14and a photo in a barber's window.

0:41:14 > 0:41:18The final boiled down to a face-off between two presentable young ladies

0:41:18 > 0:41:19prompting yet more accusations

0:41:19 > 0:41:22that pretty women were being treated favourably - which is wrong -

0:41:22 > 0:41:27rather than like haunches of beef in a music video, which is...right.

0:41:27 > 0:41:30In a triumph of irony, famously wrinkled, testicular-faced Lord Sugar

0:41:30 > 0:41:32ended up picking Dr Leah Totten's plan

0:41:32 > 0:41:35for a chain of walk-in cosmetic surgery clinics.

0:41:35 > 0:41:39Leah, you're gonna be my business partner!

0:41:39 > 0:41:41She immediately booked Lord Sugar in for a Botox treatment

0:41:41 > 0:41:44starting Monday 9am until the end of time.

0:41:44 > 0:41:48In August, former saccharin teen idol Miley Cyrus made headlines

0:41:48 > 0:41:51with a provocative performance at the VMA awards

0:41:51 > 0:41:54in which she attempted to seduce a zebra disguised as Robin Thicke

0:41:54 > 0:41:56by rubbing her bum up and down it and marking it with scent.

0:41:56 > 0:41:59Thicke later claimed he hadn't been turned on by this,

0:41:59 > 0:42:02although I'd just like to point out vertical stripes do hide erections.

0:42:02 > 0:42:04This seminal moment cemented the notion of twerking

0:42:04 > 0:42:06in the public's imagination.

0:42:06 > 0:42:09Twerking means offering your backside up for inspection,

0:42:09 > 0:42:12like someone auditioning for a lead role in Proctology, The Musical.

0:42:12 > 0:42:15When someone twerks at you, they are either giving you a sexy come on,

0:42:15 > 0:42:18or inviting you to check to see if they've wiped properly.

0:42:18 > 0:42:21Anyway, twerking's hard work and it was hot under those VMA lights,

0:42:21 > 0:42:24as you could tell because Cyrus kept panting with her tongue out

0:42:24 > 0:42:27and scratching herself where her costume kept getting itchy.

0:42:27 > 0:42:29Miley's appearance was brilliant fodder

0:42:29 > 0:42:31for 24-hour rolling hypocrisy generators

0:42:31 > 0:42:33which could pay idiots to decry her performance,

0:42:33 > 0:42:37while simultaneously repeating it on a loop at BLEEP lunchtime!

0:42:37 > 0:42:38I watched the performance last night

0:42:38 > 0:42:40like I watch most horrible films -

0:42:40 > 0:42:42with my hands over my eyes.

0:42:42 > 0:42:45It also dismayed the inventor of the foam finger,

0:42:45 > 0:42:48a man who is very much the Nelson Mandela of the novelty-shit world

0:42:48 > 0:42:51as revealed in this tragic and heart-rending interview.

0:42:51 > 0:42:53What went through your mind

0:42:53 > 0:42:56when you saw what Miley was doing with it on a national stage?

0:42:56 > 0:43:00I...as I have stated, I thought it was degrading.

0:43:00 > 0:43:03Christ, if you think Miley Cyrus' use of the foam finger is degrading,

0:43:03 > 0:43:07I hate to think what you'd make of the things I've done with a rubber thumb.

0:43:07 > 0:43:09Technology was threaded through the year like, well,

0:43:09 > 0:43:12like a tangled ethernet cable. Do you remember ethernet cables?

0:43:12 > 0:43:14We used them a hundred years ago back in 2009,

0:43:14 > 0:43:17before everything went wireless, even this leg of lamb.

0:43:17 > 0:43:19In a gloriously boring launch event,

0:43:19 > 0:43:23Apple unveiled plans to replace their bestselling rectangle five.

0:43:23 > 0:43:29And we're going to replace it with not ONE, but TWO new designs.

0:43:29 > 0:43:31No, that's one design, but twice.

0:43:31 > 0:43:34Actually, it looks a bit like what happens to breasts when you turn 80.

0:43:34 > 0:43:37This slick promo revealed that the two new rectangles,

0:43:37 > 0:43:40came in an expensive version, and a really expensive version,

0:43:40 > 0:43:42finally giving iPhone users the one feature

0:43:42 > 0:43:44they hadn't been yearning for - fingerprint recognition.

0:43:44 > 0:43:47Your fingerprint is one of the best passwords in the world.

0:43:47 > 0:43:49It's always with you, and no two are exactly alike.

0:43:49 > 0:43:51Just like arseholes really.

0:43:51 > 0:43:52Although, come to think of it,

0:43:52 > 0:43:54every arsehole with an iPhone is exactly alike.

0:43:54 > 0:43:57But then everyone uses smartphones these day, they are ubiquitous.

0:43:57 > 0:44:00As you can see from this creepy selection of Apple ads,

0:44:00 > 0:44:03human beings apparently now spend more time disconnectedly documenting

0:44:03 > 0:44:06their world for the benefit of Cloud-based photo streams

0:44:06 > 0:44:09than they do by being consciously present in the moment.

0:44:09 > 0:44:11Of course, sometimes you don't want to be in the moment,

0:44:11 > 0:44:14so it's perhaps understandable that people seem to have been snapping

0:44:14 > 0:44:17and filming more traumatic incidents than ever before -

0:44:17 > 0:44:19footage the news eagerly hoovers up and flings back at us.

0:44:19 > 0:44:23Terrorists can use this to their advantage, committing atrocities

0:44:23 > 0:44:25in the knowledge that harrowing footage of their exploits

0:44:25 > 0:44:28will be repeated worldwide on the news for weeks

0:44:28 > 0:44:30as happened with the Kenyan mall massacre

0:44:30 > 0:44:34and in the aftermath of the murder of Lee Rigby in Woolwich this year.

0:44:34 > 0:44:35The man with the bloodied hands

0:44:35 > 0:44:38is not talking to a professional cameraman,

0:44:38 > 0:44:40he has deliberately sought out a passer-by

0:44:40 > 0:44:42who is filming with a phone camera.

0:44:42 > 0:44:44Terrorists exploiting camera phones,

0:44:44 > 0:44:46hi-tech drones waging wars...

0:44:46 > 0:44:48This is the stuff of dystopian sci-fi!

0:44:48 > 0:44:50And not just military drones - no -

0:44:50 > 0:44:51in a dispiriting promo,

0:44:51 > 0:44:54Amazon unveiled plans to launch their own unmanned drones

0:44:54 > 0:44:56so the Taliban won't know if they're about to die

0:44:56 > 0:44:58or get a box set delivered.

0:44:58 > 0:45:00Then they used their glossy Kindle Fire promos

0:45:00 > 0:45:02to unveil a nightmare vision of now,

0:45:02 > 0:45:06as a prick unexpectedly chat roulette's a worker ant.

0:45:06 > 0:45:08Oh, hello! Erm, I've pressed the May Day button

0:45:08 > 0:45:10because I need a hand with my Kindle Fire.

0:45:10 > 0:45:11Yeah, great. How can I help?

0:45:11 > 0:45:13Teach him how to put it down and BLEEP off!

0:45:13 > 0:45:16Instead, eerie Amy shows the horrid man how to beam a shit film

0:45:16 > 0:45:20onto his irritating television so he can bore his disgusting friends.

0:45:20 > 0:45:22Brilliant! Thanks for the rescue.

0:45:22 > 0:45:24Not at all. Now, get back to your friends.

0:45:24 > 0:45:27Don't tell me what to do, you disgusting machine!

0:45:27 > 0:45:30Creepily, it seems Amazon are growing multiple Amys in Petri dishes

0:45:30 > 0:45:34because the American version of the advert also features

0:45:34 > 0:45:36a familiar-ish face.

0:45:36 > 0:45:38May Day?

0:45:38 > 0:45:41Thank you for pressing the May Day button. How can I help you?

0:45:41 > 0:45:42Whoa! Who are you? I'm Amy.

0:45:42 > 0:45:45A tech adviser for your new Kindle Fire.

0:45:45 > 0:45:47I didn't realise I'd get a live person.

0:45:47 > 0:45:50Don't worry, I'm sure she's dead on the inside.

0:45:50 > 0:45:51Amy?

0:45:51 > 0:45:53I like you. Aw...!

0:45:53 > 0:45:56Yeah, bad news, mate. You can't BLEEP her, she's a rectangle.

0:45:56 > 0:45:58Terrifyingly, tosser here seems to be enjoying

0:45:58 > 0:46:01the most meaningful relationship he's ever had with a human.

0:46:01 > 0:46:03Thanks for pressing May Day. How can I help?

0:46:03 > 0:46:06Yes, I was just wondering if the Kindle has a left-handed mode!

0:46:06 > 0:46:09The big mystery here is why would anyone want a device

0:46:09 > 0:46:11some anonymous stranger can remotely control?

0:46:11 > 0:46:13It seems some people actively welcome intrusion,

0:46:13 > 0:46:15or are at least weirdly relaxed about it.

0:46:15 > 0:46:18Perhaps that's why no-one seemed to give too much of a toss

0:46:18 > 0:46:21about the snooping revelations of one Edward Snowden.

0:46:21 > 0:46:23Here was a privacy bombshell

0:46:23 > 0:46:25that made the News of the World phone hacking scandal

0:46:25 > 0:46:28look about as significant as half a grain of couscous.

0:46:28 > 0:46:29Whistle-blower Edward Snowden,

0:46:29 > 0:46:32seen here droning on in footage resembling a glasses advert,

0:46:32 > 0:46:35revealed the existence of a secret scheme called PRISM,

0:46:35 > 0:46:37which sounds like a bad '80s Spectrum game,

0:46:37 > 0:46:39complete with a logo to match.

0:46:39 > 0:46:42Incidentally, why does a secret plan need a logo?

0:46:42 > 0:46:45PRISM apparently allowed America's National Security Agency

0:46:45 > 0:46:48to spy on almost everything human beings shared on phones or internet.

0:46:48 > 0:46:51There hadn't been a more sinister Big Brother programme

0:46:51 > 0:46:53since the one where Nasty Nick hid a pencil.

0:46:53 > 0:46:55And yet the public largely shrugged.

0:46:55 > 0:46:57I mean, I shrugged, because I'd always assumed

0:46:57 > 0:47:00some computer somewhere was logging everything we do,

0:47:00 > 0:47:04making a little animated paper clip pop up on some CIA guy's screen

0:47:04 > 0:47:07to warn him it looked like you were buying stuff to make a pipe bomb,

0:47:07 > 0:47:10or that you were just a bit of a wrong 'un.

0:47:10 > 0:47:13Thanks to Edward Snowden, now we know that governments

0:47:13 > 0:47:17listen into all your cellphone calls and read all your e-mails,

0:47:17 > 0:47:20and for that reason alone, I'd be surprised if the NSA

0:47:20 > 0:47:22doesn't have the highest suicide rate

0:47:22 > 0:47:27of any occupation anywhere on this planet.

0:47:27 > 0:47:29I can't even go through my OWN e-mails.

0:47:29 > 0:47:31Imagine the poor NSA worker

0:47:31 > 0:47:34who has to sift through all that nonsense bullshit

0:47:34 > 0:47:36you send each other.

0:47:36 > 0:47:41Ew, forward! Here's 10 Reasons A Cucumber's Better Than A Man.

0:47:41 > 0:47:42He he he...!

0:47:42 > 0:47:45I knew you'd get a kick out of it!

0:47:45 > 0:47:47Someone's got to spend their days reading that shit?

0:47:47 > 0:47:49Listening to your cellphone calls?

0:47:49 > 0:47:52I have to listen to your cellphone conversations

0:47:52 > 0:47:54just sitting in an airport bar

0:47:54 > 0:47:58and listening to you drone on at top volume about...

0:47:58 > 0:48:02"Yes, well, the doctor said that the warmer climate

0:48:02 > 0:48:06"might be good for my fibromyalgia.

0:48:06 > 0:48:08"Hello? Can you hear me?"

0:48:08 > 0:48:12God help the poor bastard who has to eavesdrop on those conversations

0:48:12 > 0:48:14day in and day out.

0:48:15 > 0:48:19Keep that man away from sharp objects when he gets off the job.

0:48:19 > 0:48:22In October, Britain was briefly sent into a tailspin

0:48:22 > 0:48:24as lurid headlines warned terrified civilians

0:48:24 > 0:48:26about the evil false widow spider,

0:48:26 > 0:48:28which was said to be crawling across Britain

0:48:28 > 0:48:31sinking its fangs into any BLEEP it could find.

0:48:31 > 0:48:35A school was closed, apparently infested with the death-beasts,

0:48:35 > 0:48:37and there were reports of false widow victims

0:48:37 > 0:48:38hovering at death's door.

0:48:38 > 0:48:41Even though false widow spiders have been commonplace in Britain

0:48:41 > 0:48:43for over 140 years, an excited media

0:48:43 > 0:48:46had only just discovered how amazingly dangerous they are.

0:48:46 > 0:48:47A terrible oversight.

0:48:47 > 0:48:50But, fortunately, all the stations had spider experts on hand

0:48:50 > 0:48:53to tell us just how grave the false widow threat was.

0:48:53 > 0:48:55It's very slow-moving, it's not aggressive

0:48:55 > 0:48:59and, if you got bitten by it, then you'd be very unlucky.

0:48:59 > 0:49:02OK, you SAY that, but presumably we should eradicate them anyway,

0:49:02 > 0:49:04because they're dangerous to man.

0:49:04 > 0:49:05There's no need to eradicate them.

0:49:05 > 0:49:07These spiders are getting everywhere.

0:49:07 > 0:49:09They're not dangerous to man.

0:49:09 > 0:49:11OK, so, not dangerous, but they do cause terrible agony, yeah?

0:49:11 > 0:49:14Most people when bitten by a noble false widow,

0:49:14 > 0:49:18even the most venomous one, will only feel a pinprick.

0:49:18 > 0:49:20Oh, right. But they're almost impossible to get rid of?

0:49:20 > 0:49:23If you want to get rid of it, put a glass over it,

0:49:23 > 0:49:27slide a piece of card underneath and just take it outside and release it.

0:49:27 > 0:49:29It's basically just a spider, isn't it?

0:49:29 > 0:49:31Yes, the papers had mischievously turned false widow spiders

0:49:31 > 0:49:34into a false scare out of sheer boredom during a slow news week.

0:49:34 > 0:49:37Ironically, the suspected reason why there's more false widows around,

0:49:37 > 0:49:39climate change, really is scary,

0:49:39 > 0:49:41but the reports kind of only mention that in passing.

0:49:41 > 0:49:43But never mind, I'm sure our grandchildren

0:49:43 > 0:49:44are going to chuckle to themselves

0:49:44 > 0:49:47thinking about how silly their ancestors were,

0:49:47 > 0:49:49worrying about tiny, non-threatening spiders

0:49:49 > 0:49:50when they're not knifing each other to death

0:49:50 > 0:49:52over the last glass of water on the planet.

0:49:52 > 0:49:55Ed Miliband's dad, right, hated Britain.

0:49:55 > 0:49:56But no-one knew,

0:49:56 > 0:50:00because most of the things he did suggested he didn't.

0:50:00 > 0:50:03But then the Daily Mail found out he did hate Britain,

0:50:03 > 0:50:05so they did this big dramatic news story about it,

0:50:05 > 0:50:09with all massive headlines and everything, and then Ed Miliband

0:50:09 > 0:50:13got all upset and went on the news to say they were out of order.

0:50:13 > 0:50:17That is a lie, and I'm not willing to let it stand.

0:50:17 > 0:50:19Most people love or hate different bits of Britain.

0:50:19 > 0:50:23Like, I hate the M6, but Ralph Miliband hated ALL of Britain.

0:50:23 > 0:50:27He hated London, he hated Manchester, he hated Leeds,

0:50:27 > 0:50:30he hated Glasgow, he hated South Wales.

0:50:30 > 0:50:32He hated North Wales, he hated the Lake District

0:50:32 > 0:50:34and the Peak District, and all the Shires.

0:50:34 > 0:50:37If it was in Britain, and it was a place, he hated it.

0:50:37 > 0:50:40But he also hated THINGS in Britain as well,

0:50:40 > 0:50:43so he hated British people, he hated British wildlife,

0:50:43 > 0:50:48he hated all the coins and the stamps and the phone boxes

0:50:48 > 0:50:51and, like, even down to stuff like shoelaces and things like that

0:50:51 > 0:50:54that aren't even worth hating, he hated them anyway.

0:50:54 > 0:50:58He hated Paddington Bear, and Made In Chelsea, and Tom Daley,

0:50:58 > 0:50:59and Dawn French.

0:50:59 > 0:51:05He hated QI, and all those British shops like Zara and ALDI

0:51:05 > 0:51:10and KFC and Delice de France, he hated the British Museum,

0:51:10 > 0:51:13and British Gas, and British Airways, and British Sea Power.

0:51:13 > 0:51:16British Rail, even after they changed their name to Railtrack,

0:51:16 > 0:51:18he never forgave them.

0:51:18 > 0:51:23He hated Leon Britton, Fern Britton, Brittany Ferries and Britney Spears.

0:51:23 > 0:51:26He even hated British air. That's why he stopped breathing it.

0:51:26 > 0:51:27And he hated British children,

0:51:27 > 0:51:31so when Ed Miliband was on TV defending him, he'd have hated it,

0:51:31 > 0:51:36because Ed Miliband's British, and Ralph Miliband hated Britain.

0:51:36 > 0:51:40And all the Mail did was point that out.

0:51:40 > 0:51:42Also in October, Channel 4 confronted the one issue

0:51:42 > 0:51:46it's simply never had the guts to face before - sex.

0:51:46 > 0:51:49In a few minutes, a couple will enter this box, they'll have sex,

0:51:49 > 0:51:51and then, immediately afterwards,

0:51:51 > 0:51:54come out and talk frankly about what they did.

0:51:54 > 0:51:56Sex Box was a ground-breaking televisual landmark in which

0:51:56 > 0:51:59volunteers rutted like hounds in a terrifying pillbox

0:51:59 > 0:52:02for reasons beyond the realm of normal human comprehension.

0:52:02 > 0:52:06In the show, ostensibly ordinary couples entered Mariella's box

0:52:06 > 0:52:08and then did it. Basically, it was just like Big Brother -

0:52:08 > 0:52:10ie, a load of pointless BLEEP in a box.

0:52:10 > 0:52:13But, crucially, it was also better than Big Brother

0:52:13 > 0:52:15because there weren't any cameras in there.

0:52:15 > 0:52:18There are no cameras in the sex box, it's your private, intimate space

0:52:18 > 0:52:20to do whatever it is you fancy doing.

0:52:20 > 0:52:22Have a great time. Thank you! See you later.

0:52:22 > 0:52:26This being a Channel 4 show, the couples were excitingly diverse.

0:52:26 > 0:52:29There were straight ones, gay ones, wheeled ones, ethnic ones.

0:52:29 > 0:52:32In fact, the only minority not represented was necrophiles,

0:52:32 > 0:52:35which is ironic, because they're always having sex in boxes.

0:52:35 > 0:52:38The brave fucksplorers went in two by two,

0:52:38 > 0:52:40a bit like the animals on Noah's Ark, which was fitting,

0:52:40 > 0:52:43since given the lack of obvious air holes or any kind of any

0:52:43 > 0:52:46kind of cleaning rota, by the end of the day, under studio lights,

0:52:46 > 0:52:48that box must have stunk like a biblical zoo.

0:52:48 > 0:52:50They could do a follow-up show called Surviving The Sex Box,

0:52:50 > 0:52:52in which you just have to sit in there

0:52:52 > 0:52:54and eat a corned beef sandwich without being sick.

0:52:54 > 0:52:57While they were in there stinking the place out,

0:52:57 > 0:52:59the sexperts sat outside like account execs

0:52:59 > 0:53:01killing time in a brothel waiting room,

0:53:01 > 0:53:04swapping bullshit anecdotes about sticking it in.

0:53:04 > 0:53:07Sex up the bum, it's butt sex, it's assfucking.

0:53:07 > 0:53:08Once the rutting was complete,

0:53:08 > 0:53:11the freshly glazed couples had to do the walk of shame back outside,

0:53:11 > 0:53:14and then try to talk about the sex they'd just done, ideally

0:53:14 > 0:53:17without picking pubes from their teeth or weeping openly on camera.

0:53:17 > 0:53:19And the result was as mutually enlightening

0:53:19 > 0:53:22as listening to some random tit on a train platform

0:53:22 > 0:53:24describing a recent sneeze.

0:53:24 > 0:53:26Our experience in the box - we started doing one thing,

0:53:26 > 0:53:29we'd talked about it, that's where we were going.

0:53:29 > 0:53:33We rimmed, we had anal sex, we then 69ed.

0:53:33 > 0:53:35We tried everything.

0:53:35 > 0:53:36LAUGHTER

0:53:36 > 0:53:38We're very grateful.

0:53:38 > 0:53:412013 was a landmark birthday for everyone's favourite time traveller

0:53:41 > 0:53:45and the BBC paid tribute with a raft of exciting celebratory specials,

0:53:45 > 0:53:49including a nail-biting live reveal of the next Doctor.

0:53:49 > 0:53:54Doctor Who was, like, 50 this year, so the BBC celebrated by killing him

0:53:54 > 0:53:58and getting a new one who looked more like he actually was 50.

0:53:58 > 0:53:59Peter Capaldi!

0:54:01 > 0:54:03It's good they've got an older Doctor Who

0:54:03 > 0:54:06because an older actor's going to know more about how time works,

0:54:06 > 0:54:09because he's experienced more of it. You know, in his life.

0:54:09 > 0:54:13Just from being older, he's already travelled through loads more time

0:54:13 > 0:54:14than, say, Rick Edwards.

0:54:14 > 0:54:16If there's a story set in 1910,

0:54:16 > 0:54:20he doesn't have to look 1910 up on Wikipedia, like a normal actor,

0:54:20 > 0:54:22he can go there in his head,

0:54:22 > 0:54:25because he remembers it from when he was a teenager.

0:54:25 > 0:54:28In December, millions of people were enjoying

0:54:28 > 0:54:30an inspiring episode of Mrs Brown's Boys - the uplifting tale

0:54:30 > 0:54:33of a man in a dress hitting another man with a tin tray...

0:54:36 > 0:54:39..when there was a sad and unexpected twist.

0:54:39 > 0:54:41Now on BBC One,

0:54:41 > 0:54:45we interrupt Mrs Brown's Boys to join President Zuma for a statement.

0:54:47 > 0:54:48But we don't have a President Zuma.

0:54:48 > 0:54:50Unless we've been invaded by the Zumatrons.

0:54:50 > 0:54:52It was actually South Africa's President Zuma

0:54:52 > 0:54:55telling the world that Nelson Mandela was dead.

0:54:55 > 0:54:58The coverage of Mandela's death was essentially a mirror image

0:54:58 > 0:55:00of the coverage of Thatcher's death.

0:55:00 > 0:55:02The news had whanged on and on about how divisive she was,

0:55:02 > 0:55:06whereas Mandela, they told us, was universally admired.

0:55:06 > 0:55:09Mandela was a hugely significant and widely-beloved figure,

0:55:09 > 0:55:12and with his passing it felt rather as though the very concept

0:55:12 > 0:55:15of likeable political figures had become extinct.

0:55:15 > 0:55:18Now we were just left behind on the planet with the rest of them.

0:55:18 > 0:55:20Maybe that's why politicians fell over themselves

0:55:20 > 0:55:23to pay gooey tribute, blurping on about how much they admired him.

0:55:23 > 0:55:26Presumably hoping a little Mandela magic might rub off on them, too.

0:55:26 > 0:55:29Notable freedom fighter, champion of the oppressed

0:55:29 > 0:55:31and admirer of political prisoners David Cameron

0:55:31 > 0:55:33once again took to his special little podium

0:55:33 > 0:55:37to explain how Nelson embodied almost Thatcher-like greatness.

0:55:37 > 0:55:41Tonight, one of the brightest lights of our world has gone out.

0:55:41 > 0:55:43Still, at least he didn't black up in tribute.

0:55:43 > 0:55:46Not to be outdone, effortless charisma-engine

0:55:46 > 0:55:48and Prime Minister of Crawley Ed Miliband sat before those lamps

0:55:48 > 0:55:51he's often sat before to explain how much he'd been influenced

0:55:51 > 0:55:53by the famously dynamic leader.

0:55:53 > 0:55:57The world will miss him very deeply.

0:55:57 > 0:56:00He was the inspirational figure of our age.

0:56:00 > 0:56:02Do you think HE hated Britain?

0:56:02 > 0:56:04Meanwhile, in fictional London, the BBC's EastEnders

0:56:04 > 0:56:07also paid its own moving tribute to an inspirational man

0:56:07 > 0:56:09none of its characters had ever mentioned before.

0:56:09 > 0:56:11Do you know, when they let him out,

0:56:11 > 0:56:14we just sat in front of the television all day, and...

0:56:14 > 0:56:15and cried.

0:56:15 > 0:56:17That must have been a boring BLEEP episode.

0:56:17 > 0:56:19Still, not everyone was a fan,

0:56:19 > 0:56:22such as notorious Fox News blowhard Bill O'Reilly,

0:56:22 > 0:56:24who tempered his praise with a warning.

0:56:24 > 0:56:28He was a great man, but he was a communist.

0:56:28 > 0:56:30Black AND red? That's the worst.

0:56:30 > 0:56:33A few days later, world leaders jetted in to South Africa

0:56:33 > 0:56:34to appear at Mandela's memorial service.

0:56:34 > 0:56:37Highlights included shots of Tony Blair sitting awkwardly

0:56:37 > 0:56:39like a spare prick at a wedding.

0:56:39 > 0:56:41The Danish PM and star of Borgen

0:56:41 > 0:56:44was clearly worried that sitting next to the US President

0:56:44 > 0:56:46at the memorial service of one of the most important figures

0:56:46 > 0:56:49of the 20th century, nobody might take any pictures.

0:56:49 > 0:56:53So she instigated a selfie that became instantly notorious.

0:56:53 > 0:56:56The three of them obviously had no idea how bad that might look

0:56:56 > 0:56:58sensationally splashed across the front pages,

0:56:58 > 0:57:00so it's lucky they took a photo to check.

0:57:00 > 0:57:03But even that gaff was overshadowed by the sign language debacle

0:57:03 > 0:57:06when it transpired this sign language translator was

0:57:06 > 0:57:08spouting meaningless gibberish.

0:57:08 > 0:57:10Sort of freeform sign jazz.

0:57:10 > 0:57:11To be fair, it wasn't really his fault.

0:57:11 > 0:57:14When they'd asked him if he could do sign language,

0:57:14 > 0:57:16he had given them a very clear "no".

0:57:16 > 0:57:19Finally, in moving scenes, the man himself was laid to rest,

0:57:19 > 0:57:20leaving behind a gaping void

0:57:20 > 0:57:23and the chilling realisation that with Mandela gone,

0:57:23 > 0:57:27the world's most popular political figure is currently Russell Brand.

0:57:27 > 0:57:29Did you know there once was an animal

0:57:29 > 0:57:30that had never seen Christmas?

0:57:30 > 0:57:33Not a Jewish bat, but a bear.

0:57:33 > 0:57:34# Is this the place... #

0:57:34 > 0:57:38Once again, John Lewis attempted to tug your heartstrings so hard,

0:57:38 > 0:57:39your wallet fell out of your pocket

0:57:39 > 0:57:42with this finely-tuned, sentimental cartoon bullshit story

0:57:42 > 0:57:46of woodland creatures celebrating Christmas just like animals don't.

0:57:46 > 0:57:49It's basically about a bear that has its hibernation routine ruined

0:57:49 > 0:57:53by a selfish rabbit. He'll die now, his metabolism's fucked.

0:57:53 > 0:57:54And, as many pointed out,

0:57:54 > 0:57:57it was visually reminiscent of Watership Down,

0:57:57 > 0:58:00although not quite reminiscent enough for my liking

0:58:00 > 0:58:03because Watership Down is actually one of the most brutal depictions

0:58:03 > 0:58:05of nature's godless cruelty it's possible to imagine.

0:58:05 > 0:58:08And if only their advert had ended like this,

0:58:08 > 0:58:11it would have made for the best Christmas campaign ever.

0:58:11 > 0:58:14Supermarkets, meanwhile, tried using domestic nostalgia

0:58:14 > 0:58:16to wash away the lingering taste of horse meat,

0:58:16 > 0:58:18either with actual home movies,

0:58:18 > 0:58:20as in Sainsbury's' documentary-style offering,

0:58:20 > 0:58:23or simulated home movies, as in this depressing Tesco mini-epic,

0:58:23 > 0:58:26which is supposed to be uplifting, although really,

0:58:26 > 0:58:29whizzing through a couple's life in 30 seconds actually only makes you

0:58:29 > 0:58:32contemplate the fleeting, transient pointlessness of all life on Earth.

0:58:32 > 0:58:36Mind you, I suppose reducing a human life to a commercial

0:58:36 > 0:58:39is a slight improvement on reducing a horse's life to a burger.

0:58:39 > 0:58:42It's all very well, all this feel-good chumminess, but I'll tell

0:58:42 > 0:58:45you whose Christmas home movies with the family I'd rather see -

0:58:45 > 0:58:46Kim Jong-Un's.

0:58:46 > 0:58:48Anyway, that was 2013.

0:58:48 > 0:58:51We got through it together, didn't we? As a people.

0:58:51 > 0:58:54Anyway, I hope you'll join me again in January for Weekly Wipe.

0:58:54 > 0:58:55You will, won't you?

0:58:55 > 0:58:56Until then, get out.