0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and welcome on stage Dara O Briain.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Good evening. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21How are you? Hello, hello, hello.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25You're very good.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- How are you? Are you in good form? - THEY CHEER
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Course you are - it's Edinburgh, it's spectacularly warm,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34it's almost unnaturally warm in Edinburgh.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38The glow off the heads of the lot of you is insane.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43We're five months into the tour at this stage
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and, generally, in relatively good health under the circumstances.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Even the throat is holding up.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Right at the start of the tour we were in Dublin, I felt
0:00:50 > 0:00:52a tickle in the throat and you're going,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55"Oh, Jesus. Don't lose the voice now."
0:00:55 > 0:00:58And I went into a Boots and I said, "I'm about to do
0:00:58 > 0:01:01"a lot of talking, and a lot of roaring, do you have anything?"
0:01:01 > 0:01:04This is the pharmacy counter. "Do you have some...?"
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Practically leaning in and kind of,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09"Not the shite you sell these fecking eejits behind me.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11"The good stuff."
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And the woman goes, "I have just the thing," and stepped out from
0:01:14 > 0:01:18behind the counter, walked to the throat section,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21picked these things up and said, "These are very good.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25"Because not only can you suck them, but on the inside, there's honey."
0:01:25 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:30I went, "I'm sorry? Are you explaining Lockets to me?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"Cos they've been on the market for some time now, pet,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"we've mastered that technology.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38"Tell me, how do Rolos work?"
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Now, the joy about it is, I'll be doing a lot of the talking,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46but you'll be throwing things in. That changes the show.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49It's one of the joys of doing live stand up.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52If you do a TV show and something goes weird or wrong,
0:01:52 > 0:01:53they make you do it again.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Do another take of that, right. If you were doing a stage play,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58you've got a script and you've got to stick to that.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01This stuff, if something changes, or you say something weird,
0:02:01 > 0:02:05or someone runs naked across the stage or whatever, right, you've got to go with it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06You've got to commit to it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09There are very few things in the arts in which you have to commit...
0:02:09 > 0:02:13There are very few things in life you just have to absolutely go for.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14One thing. One thing.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17When you rent a car in a foreign country where they
0:02:17 > 0:02:20drive on the other side of the road,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22and you're fucked if you're taking any instruction from the kid
0:02:22 > 0:02:23who gives you the keys,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26cos you've been driving longer than he's been alive.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"So get into the car, Mary and let's go."
0:02:28 > 0:02:32And the first road you drive on is a roundabout to a motorway
0:02:32 > 0:02:36and you don't even know which way round the roundabout they drive...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38But you're going to go for it. Let's get into gear.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Oh, Jesus, where's the gear stick? Why is the window going down?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44What? What the fuck is the gear stick doing here?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46What are you doing here? Get off the roundabout.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Any turn, any turn. Which one is that one?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- Oh, Jesus, it's the airport, it's your man. Head down, head down. - LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:54You've just got to commit to it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57There's one event that sums up perfectly for me,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00that kind of - boom, and here we go.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03One event that occurred last November which some of you will
0:03:03 > 0:03:07know about, because it occurred in a small Scottish town called Oban.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Right. Now.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Oban, you'll be familiar with here.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Oban, for those that are joining us that are not from Scotland -
0:03:13 > 0:03:15beautiful little ferry/fisheries town.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18You take the boat there to visit the Mull of Kintyre
0:03:18 > 0:03:20and the Highlands and Islands.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23There's a distillery, lovely part of the world. Beautiful community.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24And last November,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27they went out to watch their annual firework display...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32And what a fabulous evening it was for the people of Oban.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Glorious, almost flawless.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Almost without one teeny-tiny technical error.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Hardly worth even...
0:03:41 > 0:03:45The entire fireworks went off at the same time.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51A massive explosion - the entire sky erupting in an...
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Those who haven't seen it - Google it and YouTube - it is fucking epic.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:04The sky erupting in colour as the people of a small Scottish town
0:04:04 > 0:04:08cling to their children as they're being blown back by the velocity.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"No-o-o!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14"We're going into hyperspace."
0:04:14 > 0:04:1947 seconds of the greatest firework display in history.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Immediately followed by 30 seconds of silence...
0:04:24 > 0:04:28..and then a voice goes, "You can all go home now."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:36Oh, if you could just create that kind of moment, it would be fantastic.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39There will be moments we create. There will be things that are random
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and different as they are in any given show.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Some rules of engagement, for example.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I will be speaking at this speed for most of the show.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48This is an Irish thing.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I'll be saying "fuck" and "feck" a bit, right.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Go with me on that. There's one really bad word a little bit
0:04:53 > 0:04:56later in the show - keep an eye out for that.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And I'll be doing... Are there any other Irish in, by the way?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- SOME PEOPLE CHEER - A few Irish.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04There'll be more of that as the years go by, there'll be more
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Irish appearing here in the UK
0:05:06 > 0:05:10because things are a little tough at the moment in Ireland and...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- You sent us a bail out - thanks for that. - LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:16We were supposed to spend it on whisky,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Welsh lamb and Kit Kats and we thought, "Screw that.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"We'll just spend it on tickets to go and live in the UK."
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Keep an eye out for the new Irish - soft hands, soft,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28we've been working with IT hands.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31There isn't a construction worker amongst them,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34ladies and gentlemen, but when they get here, they'll take the gig.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35They will happily stand...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"I'll do that. You want me to do that?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39"You want that knocked through and...?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41"No problem. We can do that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"That's not an issue, we'll get that done.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- "Google it. Google it." - LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:49"Bound to be a website somewhere that explains what he wants.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50"Jesus!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"Well, translate it from Polish."
0:05:52 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:58APPLAUSE
0:06:00 > 0:06:04You will be sending planes to Warsaw to fly back the Polish
0:06:04 > 0:06:06builders that you were so dismissive of.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Oh, yeah, it's funny the first time you flush the toilet
0:06:09 > 0:06:11and the lights go off, but...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- LAUGHTER - The shite we're about to make your houses...
0:06:14 > 0:06:17In six months' time every Wickes, every Homebase,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21every DIY store in this country is going to be rammed with Irish
0:06:21 > 0:06:26"builders" trying to describe tools they vaguely
0:06:26 > 0:06:29remember from a generation ago.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33"Do you have anything that'll make wood shorter?"
0:06:33 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"Cos I have a gap and I have a plank
0:06:39 > 0:06:42"and I can't get the two of them to match up.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45"There must be some way, do you have a tool for that?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"While I have you, I have a tin of paint and a wall.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"How do I transfer the paint...?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"I have tried lifting it. I have tried scooping it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55"I have tried flinging it.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56"I have tried smearing it.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"In my mind, there's a thing like a Jedward's head."
0:06:59 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"I could lower it in and run it along the wall.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07"Does such a thing even exist?"
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I honestly believe that this country needs more Irish
0:07:10 > 0:07:11people to come into it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14The Irish occasionally need to emigrate, just to see
0:07:14 > 0:07:17more of the world and also give their unique takes on things.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Because we've kind of slipped off the radar in the UK,
0:07:20 > 0:07:21you've kind of forgotten who we are.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Even, for example, the sign of the show - Craic Dealer,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26that's the pun which I presume most people got,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29craic being an old Irish word meaning fun.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31And I went online and went,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33"Jeez, I have to come up with a name for a DVD.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"I'm sick of calling them Live At The... and Live here."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And somebody suggested Craic Dealer. We said, that's brilliant.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41A fantastic title for a show.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43We stuck in on the box and showed to loads of people who went,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"Fantastic. Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer, I get it, that's great."
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Apart from one major retailer in this country.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51One massive chain of shops in this country that said,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55"No, we won't stock something called Craic Dealer.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56"Because it promotes drug use."
0:07:56 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:01As if people would walk into their supermarkets, see a DVD with
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Craic Dealer on it and go, "Jesus, I'd love a bit of crack."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"It'd really hit the spot.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11"I've been meaning to try it for years
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"and I was scared by the reputation it had.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"But if the man off the telly is selling it then clearly
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"they've ironed out those initial problems.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20"Kids, will we have some crack?"
0:08:20 > 0:08:24"Let's have some crack, Daddy! Let's have some crack!"
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Now, I'm not so unprofessional as to tell you which major
0:08:28 > 0:08:32retailer in this country refused to stock a DVD...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36I would merely point out that
0:08:36 > 0:08:39if you were to come up with an advertising slogan that best
0:08:39 > 0:08:44sums up the day-to-day existence of a class A drug addict,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46you're not going to do better than "Every little helps."
0:08:46 > 0:08:49LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:52APPLAUSE
0:08:57 > 0:08:58This may backfire on me,
0:08:58 > 0:09:02cos the thing is, on the back of the DVD box there is
0:09:02 > 0:09:04a picture of the show as it goes along,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06so it means even if I keep it off the front,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10the back of the box will have tiny letters of Craic Dealer,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12which they're not going to be happy about.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I should be more sensitive to their desires not to have had this
0:09:15 > 0:09:17here where they would see it.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I've got to do everything I can to avoid them
0:09:19 > 0:09:22being embarrassed or angry by the words appearing...
0:09:22 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:35 > 0:09:37How unfortunate.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41There will be messing around.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Look at your little faces.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Look at the people I'm going to come to and have chats to
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and it's going to be fantastic.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Some more than others, by the way.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Don't be shy, just throw it out...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Go with it, enjoy yourselves.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53You can probably...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56You're quite young, how old is this group here?
0:09:56 > 0:09:5824, 24. How old are you?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Who's young, who's young? 22. How old are you?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- 21.- 21. Any teenagers here?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- You. How old are you guys? - 19.
0:10:06 > 0:10:0919. Lovely stuff. Right, you're off the hook, I'm not talking to you.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You know why? Cos you've fucking done nothing.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You guys, I might not take the gamble -
0:10:20 > 0:10:22you're only starting doing stuff.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24But this lot - nothing.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Hey, what do you do? I don't need to know an essay title, right.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30You're only just starting off.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Look at these gnarled fuckers here.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Far more interesting to talk to.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37There is a point for a comedian, where the comedian goes,
0:10:37 > 0:10:38"Hey, what do you do?"
0:10:38 > 0:10:40We do it like we have any clue,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43like we have any notion of the real nature of jobs.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46This is the rubbish we do, we don't know the actual nine to five,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48the commute, the tension, the hierarchies -
0:10:48 > 0:10:51all that stuff that exists when you work within organisations.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53We know none of that stuff.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55We have no skills in that world - nothing.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56This is all I have done.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I would be gone. I have nothing transferable.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01If this ends, I got nothing, right.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Nothing. I am institutionalised at this stage.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I'm like that guy in Shawshank who ran the library.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Sorry. Sorry, I've lost you there.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16It was a film that was released in the '90s.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Much like yourself.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23APPLAUSE
0:11:23 > 0:11:25When we go, "Hey, what do you do?"
0:11:25 > 0:11:29we genuinely know nothing, we haven't a clue about stuff.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Particularly people who work in large organisations.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Do you work in a large organisation?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- You work for yourself? What's your name, firstly?- My name's Keith.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- How are you, Keith? Are you a local? - No, I come from Dunblane.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You've come from Dunblane. Good to have you down, Keith. Andy Murray, of course...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Keith, what do you do? - I have my own business.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46You've your own business?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Oh, you're at the top of that kind of stuff, right?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Oh, this is exciting.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- How many people do you employ, Keith?- Only three.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Only three.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Keith, you are the bedrock of this economy.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You have three now, but Facebook started with three,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03four or possibly 12 - I don't know.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Apple.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06They all started with three.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Keith, you will take your industry and you will...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- What do you do? - I sell furniture.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12You sell furniture. Maybe not so much.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Really, most of us have chairs at this stage, Keith, it's done.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Do you make it or sell other people's furniture?- Sell other people's.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22You sell other people's furniture.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26What's the big thing going out the door at the moment in Dunblane?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Hardly anything.- Hardly anything?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Harsh, Keith.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You say you've got three, is one looking a big shaky at the moment?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Have you already got your eye on which one it is?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Is it last in, first out, or is there a difficult chat to be had?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"We're not selling a lot of chairs here, lads, tick-tock, tick-tock.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"That's all I'm saying.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"Bring some of those lamps home and see if you can shift them
0:12:50 > 0:12:54"on the open market at the weekend. Back of the car - anything."
0:12:54 > 0:12:55What's the...?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Any ridiculous thing that you've never had to shift?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01How many beds do you have, for example?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- A dozen, or so. - A dozen, or so at any given time.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Do you ever...? Do you ever sleep in the office?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Do you ever...? Do you ever jump from one to one?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Do you ever line them up, right...?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It's quiet, you're not selling anything.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Do you ever line them up and bounce from one bed to the other?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Have you ever come back and caught the lads doing that?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21They make tunnels... They make forts out of all the furniture.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Oh, the fun they have when you're not here.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28When you fuck off down to Edinburgh to see the show, do you know what they've done to the place?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's insane. Two of them are dressed as cowboys,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33the others as Indians, they're firing arrows across the place.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"Shite, Keith's back! Flatten the beds."
0:13:37 > 0:13:40How big are the beds? How small are the beds?
0:13:40 > 0:13:45- Oh, up to seven feet square. - Up to seven foot square?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Who the fuck needs a seven foot square...? - LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Possible...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Giants are coming into...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"Hello. I want to buy a bed.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"I can't go in the door for I am seven foot tall
0:13:59 > 0:14:02"and also seven foot wide."
0:14:02 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:10"I am a giant who likes group sex. Please...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"Please, can I find a bed that is large enough for me
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"and the many women I lure back to it?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:18What kind of sexy basketball players are hanging
0:14:18 > 0:14:22around in Dunblane looking for beds to ship women through?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24What is the target market for a seven foot...?
0:14:24 > 0:14:2649 square feet of bed.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31There are flats in London you would just use that as carpet.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Just push it through the door - thump.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35How great would that be?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39"Honey, do you want to come home? This is my house, this is my house."
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Boing.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43That'd be great.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45How high is the bed? Does it have things underneath it?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Does it have drawers and shelves - can you hide?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- If you want to, yeah. - Do people ever hide?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Do you ever do hide and seek during the day?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54When somebody goes into a cupboard, they go, "Boo!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56"I'm here, Keith. Ah-ha-ha-ha!"
0:14:58 > 0:15:01You see, it's not the most business-minded conversation
0:15:01 > 0:15:03you have with people about what they do.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Have you ever sold a seven foot bed?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09You have? How big was the person you sold the seven foot by seven foot bed to?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10He was five feet three.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12He was five foot three!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Lying on the bed, just swirling around.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25Stars, crucifix - every possible shape.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I'm going to sleep this way and this way.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Was he single or was he married?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30He was married.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And was the wife nine foot eight?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36He could have slept in one corner in a foetal position
0:15:36 > 0:15:38while she slept like a starfish.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Was she a starfish? Did he marry a giant starfish?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44She was six foot and she was Russian.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46She was six foot and she was Russian.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47I love the details you know.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Typical of those Russians coming in here and demanding huge beds.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56They're like that, the Russians.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Are there any Russians in the room tonight?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- ONE MAN SHOUTS OUT - Good. What are the fucking chances that that's a Russian?
0:16:02 > 0:16:07What are the chances? Going "Hey, yeah, I'm Russian."
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Via Leith.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13So you genuinely are Russian?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Is your chair large enough for you at the moment,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17or do you wish to spread out?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21So to impress the Russian wife, he had the bed, very good.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Are you related to Keith, that lad there?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25And do you work in the same industry?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Do you work in a big company or a little company?- I've got my own.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30You've got your own company.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Lads, this is impressive.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34It's like the Dunblane Small Business Association night out.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It's like the Chamber of Commerce.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Promoting local industry in the Dunblane area.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45How many people do you employ, my friend?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Eh, 18.- 18!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Don't look down on him!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:53What does the company do?
0:16:53 > 0:16:54We're opticians.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58You're opticians. Could be 18 - could be nine - you're never sure...
0:16:58 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You can move further back and around.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Wait a minute! That's the same guy.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"Yes, I'm here to collect my pay."
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Fucking hat change.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"I am here to collect my pay."
0:17:13 > 0:17:17"This is for my beautiful Russian wife, Olga."
0:17:17 > 0:17:1918 opticians. People in Dunblane -
0:17:19 > 0:17:21big beds, can't see for fuck...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:24What kind of...?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Who needs 18 opticians? Is it one branch?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- 18 staff.- You've got 18 staff.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32How many opticians?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33- Five.- Five, OK.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And there's loads of support staff doing all the bits and pieces?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Still, it's a fairly huge branch, isn't it?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39No, no, we've got four places.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Oh, four places. So, five opticians and four places.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44What does the fifth optician do?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Is he just there with an engine running the whole time on a moped?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"We've got an optical emergency. You've got to get to branch four.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"I'll be there in half an hour."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56MIMICS MOPED ENGINE
0:17:56 > 0:17:57"I'm here."
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Thank God you're here. We had two people come in at the same time -
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"I can't deal with that kind of pace.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"One's saying E, the other's saying G, the other's saying L -
0:18:06 > 0:18:07"I'm confused!"
0:18:08 > 0:18:12"It's just a blur of Fs and Gs and Ls.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14"I just have to put the Qs up to fuck them up.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"Just have loads of Qs
0:18:16 > 0:18:20"and someone in a holding pattern just going, "Q. Q...
0:18:20 > 0:18:21"Q."
0:18:22 > 0:18:23"This isn't very difficult."
0:18:23 > 0:18:27"I'll be back with you when the other optician comes!"
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- MIMICS MOPED ENGINE - Good work, my friend.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I'm 40 now - 40 with a couple of kids, which means that
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I am now the focus of a phenomena that I hate.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's a thing that television producers do,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and it's called "something for the dads".
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Something for the dads is that really irritating
0:18:43 > 0:18:47phenomena of putting totty into a show, particularly family shows,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51as it's presumed it's the only way I'll keep watching.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54If there's a bit of flesh on show.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Like, the lady dancers' outfits in Strictly Come Dancing is
0:18:57 > 0:19:00textbook "something for the dads".
0:19:00 > 0:19:03That's the way you say it - something for the dads.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Filthy, dirty, Sid James, "Ha-ha-ha! Something for the dads!"
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It is cos you sit down with your family and you go,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Are we watching the bloody dancing thing again?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14"There's nothing for me in this. Hello."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Women on game shows standing next to prizes,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Doctor Who's sexy assistant, weather girls.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I mean, the presumption that I have to be kept slightly horny
0:19:22 > 0:19:25all the time or I'll get angry about it - "I'm not horny.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"I can't concentrate unless I'm a little bit horny.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32"What rain? Give me horniness or I can't concentrate on the rain."
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Irritating. I hate the "something for the dad" thing,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38cos it's patronising to men, and limiting to young women.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Men get fecking tragic as we get older.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Women, I know it's difficult, but men - it's ludicrous.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Apparently, all I have to look forward to
0:19:45 > 0:19:48when I hit my mid-50s is a pair of leather trousers
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and hovering around the back of a lap dancing club, until the
0:19:51 > 0:19:56shift finishes, to go, "Please, give me a chance, Aurora, this is real."
0:19:56 > 0:19:58That kind of shit.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"But, Starburst, this could work."
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Starburst is a top quality name for a lap dancer, by the way.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07She didn't make a penny when she was called Opal Fruits.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:15The minute she changed it, the cash came rolling in.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17If you're going to come up with a lap dancing name,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20confectionery is a bit of a mixed bag, I'm afraid.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Some of them work beautifully.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"On the main stage, Candy
0:20:24 > 0:20:26"and Bubblicious are on the stage at the moment.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"And on the second stage, Double Decker. Double Decker..."
0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:32"..and Tunnock's Tea Cake.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36"Tunnock's Tea Cakes is dancing on the second stage for your pleasure."
0:20:38 > 0:20:42It may be that I'm sensitive cos I've got little ones -
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I've got a daughter and a son.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47The whole gender thing is one of these things that's raised.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Nationality is another thing as well.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I'm Irish, my wife is English and we live in London.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54But I want our children to be respectful of the two
0:20:54 > 0:20:57traditions that they came from.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00You'll understand that. You want them to celebrate that.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Even when we were naming our children, I wanted their names
0:21:03 > 0:21:06to be respectful and part of the two great histories.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10My son is called Patrick Cromwell O Briain...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Love that you get that.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19It's not true.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Ridiculous, course not, no.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Other issues, for example,
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I was watching a football match with a two-and-a-half-year-old of mine,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and I get very passionate and I was roaring at the television.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Roaring, like that, right.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33And then game ends and I go quiet and I'm in repose
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and I look at this little face.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38This little face that was glowing with learning
0:21:38 > 0:21:41and this child looks at me and goes,
0:21:41 > 0:21:42"Bloody Jesus Christ."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52And my wife goes, "Dara!"
0:21:52 > 0:21:54And I go, "What? We're atheists!"
0:21:56 > 0:21:57This is hilarious.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01We've gone non-denominational, secular education.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04There's no religion in our schools, yeah, that's the way we're doing it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07So imagine my surprise - the twist - that I have had to sit
0:22:07 > 0:22:10though two Nativity plays already.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14We're atheists in a non-denominational school.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15What the hell am I doing watching...?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18HE MUMBLES
0:22:29 > 0:22:32There is, by the way, a crib under the baby Jesus, here.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35This isn't the first ever production of Limbo Christ.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38HE MUMBLES
0:22:38 > 0:22:42My objections are predominately theatrical rather than theological.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44But I've got to sit it through a lot of these things on tiny
0:22:44 > 0:22:46chairs in school halls.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49It's not comfortable. I'm saying to my wife, "Why are we here?"
0:22:49 > 0:22:51She's going, "Dara, it's a Christmas story."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54And I'm going, "There are lots of Christmas stories they could do."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56They could do A Christmas Carol - a delight.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It's A Wonderful Life - a beautiful...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Die Hard... - LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Die Hard is one of our finest and most beloved Christmas tales.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Who among us would not prefer to see an under-fives version of Die Hard?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Small, barefoot child shouting, "Yippee-ki-yay,- BLEEP!"
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- as they run... - LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:27..to a cardboard representation of the Nakatomi Plaza.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I, for one, would love to see that.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33At the Nativity play, there was a nice moment,
0:23:33 > 0:23:38cos they went really quiet - even a hard-hearted old cynic like me.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41There was a presentation of the baby and they all leaned in
0:23:41 > 0:23:45and it was all very quiet and still and nice.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Then one voice at the back of the room goes,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"Bloody Jesus Christ."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I felt proud.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59As I'm sure she did, cos at the end her teacher came out and said,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"Thank you all so much for coming along
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"to class 1A's Christmas production this year."
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And, I, at the back of the room, nudged my wife and went,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"Finally, something for the dads."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER
0:24:14 > 0:24:19The thing about this proper big type of room, you see the other
0:24:19 > 0:24:22shows that are on are musicals and they're all big shows.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26A lot of the time you're playing with, you know, cover bands
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and psychics - a lot of psychics.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I was in Wolverhampton a couple of weeks ago and there was a
0:24:31 > 0:24:35book you have to sign at the end - "Thank you very much for the night."
0:24:35 > 0:24:37And I flipped back through to see who else was there.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Derek Acorah was about ten pages before me.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And his message was quite sweet, he just wrote,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Got away with it again!"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Sally Morgan, TV psychic, I find myself on tour in the same
0:24:51 > 0:24:53venues as her a lot.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Either there just after she's been or before she's been.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58And it's a bit of a chore.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Sally Morgan comes onto my radar because of my nerd rants -
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I have a tendency to look at things that offend me
0:25:05 > 0:25:09on a rational level and to get irrationally angry about them.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13My current favourite nerd rant at the moment is the
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Dettol No-Touch antibacterial soap dispenser.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Pisses me off.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23For those unfamiliar with it, it is a soap dispenser that you
0:25:23 > 0:25:26wave your hand underneath and it squirts out the soap.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Thus saving you touching that plunger that has been
0:25:29 > 0:25:31touched by, urgh, your family.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Pox-laden creatures like that.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37You certainly don't want to be catching any
0:25:37 > 0:25:41bacteria in the microsecond before you wash your fucking hands.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:46My favourite at the moment -
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'm in a battle at the moment with astrologers.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Now, I say astrologers in the knowledge that half the room,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55myself included, have to do a quick, "Jesus, which one was that?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"Astrologer, astronomer. Astronomer, astrologer. Which one is which?"
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Irritating it is that these two things that have
0:26:00 > 0:26:03incredibly different philosophies have such ridiculously
0:26:03 > 0:26:07similar names as astrology and astronomy.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Karren Brady off The Apprentice, ultra-efficient as she is,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14very professional woman, very smart, I met her just before I did
0:26:14 > 0:26:17the show Stargazing LIVE, the science show I did with Brian Cox.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I met her just before that in the BBC. She said, "What are you doing next?"
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I said, "I'm doing a show about astronomy."
0:26:23 > 0:26:27And Karren Brady went, "Ooh, you don't believe in that, do you?"
0:26:27 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I went, "Yes, Karren, I believe in the stars."
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Everyone makes that mistake.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41In fact, I will give you a little hint, a little learning aid
0:26:41 > 0:26:43so that you don't...
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Remember "Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain" to remember the colours of the spectrum?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Here's a very simple one to remember which one is astronomy and which one is astrology.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52It's all in the word.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Astronomy - "nomy",
0:26:54 > 0:26:57"nom", as in nom, nom, nom,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Brian Cox is delicious.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Astrology - "logy",
0:27:05 > 0:27:06"log", a unit of poo.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:14We got into a fight with astrologists cos on Stargazing
0:27:14 > 0:27:18we had a model of the solar system - all eight planets out and we were
0:27:18 > 0:27:21going to show that it was rock, rock, rock, rock, gas, gas, gas, right?
0:27:21 > 0:27:26I had an extra point - I got the earth and I spun it around, I went, "There it goes.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"Round again in a year. And look, there it goes around in another year."
0:27:29 > 0:27:33The earth has an orbit of exactly a year. None of the other planets have an orbit of a year,
0:27:33 > 0:27:37or any multiple of a year or a fraction of a year,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39like, a year later they're all over the place.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41The year after that they're all over the place even more.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45There's no reason you would share any personality traits with
0:27:45 > 0:27:48somebody born the year after you, it makes no sense.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Brian Cox, to his eternal credit, stood beside me and went,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"Obviously, on behalf of the BBC, we must have balance.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58"Can I just say, yes, astrology is nonsense."
0:27:58 > 0:28:00LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:05And we got a million letters from angry medieval soothsayers
0:28:05 > 0:28:08furious that we weren't giving them due credit.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10And on Twitter, they were tweeting me, going,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14"If you were a real scientist, you'd be more open-minded about the evidence."
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And I'm going, "Lucky for me, I'm a fucking comedian."
0:28:17 > 0:28:20LAUGHTER
0:28:22 > 0:28:24And they all want...
0:28:24 > 0:28:28They all wanted to come onto this BBC science show to
0:28:28 > 0:28:30give their side of the "argument".
0:28:30 > 0:28:33And you're going, "No, you can't come on. Why? It's a science show.
0:28:33 > 0:28:39"You can't come onto it, cos your work clothes are a cape, with...
0:28:39 > 0:28:41"stars sewn onto it.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43"You're called Madame Zacharino.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45"That's why you don't get to go on a science show.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48"You get to do premium rate phone lines in the back
0:28:48 > 0:28:50"of the newspapers, you don't get to do science shows.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52"These are the choices we make, so..."
0:28:52 > 0:28:55There was a part of me going, "Jesus, bring them on. Bring them on."
0:28:55 > 0:28:58That means I am allowed - quid pro quo -
0:28:58 > 0:29:02to appear on any television show they do.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06Just on Daybreak on ITV, I'd be sitting at the end of the couch just reading the newspaper,
0:29:06 > 0:29:11while they're over there warbling on about Aries this or Virgo that.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13And the host goes, "Thank you very much, Madame Zacharino,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16"but under broadcasting regulations, I must turn to Dara."
0:29:16 > 0:29:17And I put done my paper and go,
0:29:17 > 0:29:20"Ah, everything she said is shite."
0:29:20 > 0:29:21LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:25"Same time next week? We'll see you then. Good stuff."
0:29:27 > 0:29:30A lot people say it's a very soft target.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32It's a bit of craic, we all know that.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34You open the paper in the tea break in the office and you go,
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"Ah, John, you're going on a long journey.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38"Oh, Mary, you might come into some money."
0:29:38 > 0:29:41That's fine, it's just a bit of a laugh, I get that.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43In fact, in Newcastle on the tour,
0:29:43 > 0:29:46we had three prison officers from a prison called Frankland Prison.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50And we were saying to them, how brilliant would that be if every
0:29:50 > 0:29:54day they went round to the cells and read the lads their horoscopes?
0:29:54 > 0:29:57How fantastic? "Oh, you might be going on a long journey. No..."
0:29:57 > 0:30:00LAUGHTER
0:30:00 > 0:30:02"Oh, but there's new love!"
0:30:02 > 0:30:05LAUGHTER
0:30:08 > 0:30:11It is a soft target, but here is why I like doing it.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15They took a complaint against me and they submitted it to the BBC
0:30:15 > 0:30:17and they did one against Brian Cox as well.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Every time the complaint was rejected they'd resubmit it, so it moved up the levels.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25And it kept going up the levels to a thing called the BBC Trust,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27which is like the head of the BBC.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30You should read the ruling of the BBC.
0:30:30 > 0:30:35You should just read the tone, which is just,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37"Ah, would you ever fuck off?
0:30:39 > 0:30:41"What? I've got to worry about this?
0:30:41 > 0:30:44"I've got all of Mexico complaining about Top Gear."
0:30:44 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48"I don't give a shite about this."
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Cos the bloke who runs the BBC Trust is an old Dublin lad going,
0:30:51 > 0:30:54"Ah, Jesus, stop it...
0:30:54 > 0:30:57"Ya big prick. Ha-ha-ha-ha..."
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Sorry, just one for the Dubs.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Sorry. Anyway, they took the complaint.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03If you want a fight, let's have a fight.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Very, very straightforward. Here's my argument against them -
0:31:06 > 0:31:09you have to come with me a little bit, but I know you will.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11This is how it starts.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15A lot of people are very down on racism.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21I do like pausing at this stage and feeling an audience go,
0:31:21 > 0:31:22"Where's he going with this?"
0:31:22 > 0:31:24LAUGHTER
0:31:24 > 0:31:26"An unexpected twist!"
0:31:26 > 0:31:27Very down on racism -
0:31:27 > 0:31:30they say it is one of the worst social evils they can imagine.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31"How dare you do that?" they say.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34"How dare you ascribe to me personality traits?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36"You don't even know me, but you tell me that you know me
0:31:36 > 0:31:38"and you know these things about me.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41"You say I share these traits with a large group, you don't
0:31:41 > 0:31:43"know them, I don't know them,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45"and you're saying not only do we have these same character traits,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48"but we have some sort of common history and some common destiny.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51"And you make all of these horrible presumptions on the back of what?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53"On the back of a fluke of birth.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55"How dare you do that? What?
0:31:55 > 0:31:56"Oh, Capricorn."
0:31:56 > 0:31:59LAUGHTER
0:32:00 > 0:32:01Here's the thing.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05If you want a clumsy tool to divide the population into distinct groups
0:32:05 > 0:32:10so that you can make predictions, racism is way better than astrology.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14In fact, if you remember nothing else from this gig,
0:32:14 > 0:32:17if you wake up with everything else out of your head, remember just
0:32:17 > 0:32:20that fragment where I went,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24"Racism is way better than astrology."
0:32:24 > 0:32:28That's your hashtag for the gig - #racismiswaybetterthanastrology.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Don't mix it up. Don't you...!
0:32:31 > 0:32:34If I find any of you going, "What was the show about?"
0:32:34 > 0:32:36"Oh, it was great. He said, 'Racism is for the dads.'"
0:32:36 > 0:32:39LAUGHTER
0:32:39 > 0:32:42"When you're a dad, you're allowed to be a little bit racist."
0:32:42 > 0:32:44"He's right, I've learnt a lot of things..."
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Anyway, racism - way better than astrology.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Here's the proof.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Write down all the star signs - 12 of them.
0:32:51 > 0:32:52Then get another piece of paper
0:32:52 > 0:32:55and write down all the different racial groupings you can think of.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57You get to 50, 60, easily.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Then, if you're Irish, you can start going county by county.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02That's another 32.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Here, in this country, you start going,
0:33:04 > 0:33:05"Glaswegians do this, whatever.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07"Geordies do this and Scousers..."
0:33:07 > 0:33:10You'll get up to 80 easily, at which point racism is six or seven
0:33:10 > 0:33:14times more powerful than astrology in dividing up the population.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16And here's the clincher...
0:33:16 > 0:33:19how much better would Daybreak be...
0:33:19 > 0:33:21LAUGHTER
0:33:21 > 0:33:24..if once a week they had a racist in making predictions?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27LAUGHTER
0:33:27 > 0:33:30We'd all tune in to watch that.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32"So, Terry, what's ahead of us for the next seven days?"
0:33:32 > 0:33:35"Well, it's going to be a big week for the Jews."
0:33:35 > 0:33:37LAUGHTER
0:33:42 > 0:33:43That's my racist face.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48I am a nerd. I'm a tech-nerd as well.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52I quite like watching us scrabble to keep up with technology.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54We think because we're at the very breaking edge of all
0:33:54 > 0:33:56technology that somehow we're geniuses.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59If we ever fell back in time, fell through a wormhole
0:33:59 > 0:34:01and landed in Renaissance Italy and
0:34:01 > 0:34:03we landed in front of a council of the finest minds -
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Leonardo da Vinci, Botticelli, Michelangelo -
0:34:06 > 0:34:07and we think we'd be gods.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09They'd look to us, like, oh, my God.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12We'd jump-start science. We'd be a wonder of the age.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15We'd tell them things they've never heard - it would be incredible.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18No, we're three questions away from looking like fucking eejits.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Question one - "What do you have in the future, traveller in time?"
0:34:21 > 0:34:23And you go, "We have an amazing think called a computer.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26"A computer sits in the room. We have them in all houses in the world
0:34:26 > 0:34:30"and it sends information all over the world and it draws information in."
0:34:30 > 0:34:34"My God," they'd say, sketching furiously, "that is amazing." "And how does it keep going?"
0:34:34 > 0:34:37"Well, it's connected to the wall by a cable."
0:34:37 > 0:34:39"And what happens there?"
0:34:39 > 0:34:40"I don't really know."
0:34:40 > 0:34:43LAUGHTER
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"They've tried to explain it to me any number of times.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54"I've never really got it, to be honest.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57"Basically, there's a thing that lives in the wall...
0:34:57 > 0:34:59"and it makes the pictures change."
0:35:01 > 0:35:04They are walking away at this stage and you are clutching,
0:35:04 > 0:35:06"Wait, wait. We have a thing called a fridge in the future.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10"A fridge is an amazing machine because it keeps cold on the inside and we can put food in it
0:35:10 > 0:35:14"and it doesn't rot and that means we are healthier for longer..."
0:35:14 > 0:35:16They'll go, "That's amazing. How does it work?"
0:35:16 > 0:35:20- "It hums." - LAUGHTER
0:35:20 > 0:35:23"And the humming is in some way related to the cold."
0:35:24 > 0:35:26"What keeps it humming?"
0:35:26 > 0:35:28"Ah, it's connected to the wall..."
0:35:28 > 0:35:30LAUGHTER
0:35:30 > 0:35:33"Is this the same thing that made the pictures change?"
0:35:33 > 0:35:34"Could be."
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Name a simple machine we use every day.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40MAN: Microwave.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Microwave is the simplest fucking machine you could think of?
0:35:43 > 0:35:47What house of the future do you live in where the simplest machine
0:35:47 > 0:35:50you have...? "I'll just go to the microwave...on my jetpack."
0:35:51 > 0:35:54- Simpler than that. - AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Kettle, toaster - very good.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Could you imagine explaining a toaster to Michelangelo?
0:35:58 > 0:36:01"You take a piece of bread, you put it into the machine.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03"You press down...and you wait."
0:36:03 > 0:36:06LAUGHTER
0:36:06 > 0:36:10"What happens? Does it double the bread, change the bread into other foodstuffs,
0:36:10 > 0:36:11"thus ending hunger?
0:36:11 > 0:36:13"Does this machine stop famine?"
0:36:13 > 0:36:16- "No, it just makes toast." - LAUGHTER
0:36:16 > 0:36:20"But we can make toast. We hold bread up to a flame on a fork."
0:36:20 > 0:36:22"Ah, but this does two sides."
0:36:22 > 0:36:24LAUGHTER
0:36:28 > 0:36:31APPLAUSE
0:36:31 > 0:36:34"500 years of science and advancement
0:36:34 > 0:36:36"and you can make two-sided toast?"
0:36:37 > 0:36:40"I like two-sided toast."
0:36:40 > 0:36:43"And what keeps the machine hot?"
0:36:43 > 0:36:45LAUGHTER
0:36:47 > 0:36:48HE MUMBLES
0:36:48 > 0:36:51"It's connected to the wall."
0:36:51 > 0:36:52All right. Non-electrical.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Simple non-electrical machine we use every day?
0:36:55 > 0:36:56AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS
0:36:56 > 0:37:00Toilet! Of all the things. Can you imagine explaining a toilet to Botticelli?
0:37:00 > 0:37:04"You gather your robes around you and evacuate your waist into it.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07"Then you press a button and it's all taken away."
0:37:08 > 0:37:10"Where does it go?"
0:37:10 > 0:37:12LAUGHTER
0:37:14 > 0:37:15"It goes into the wall."
0:37:15 > 0:37:18LAUGHTER
0:37:24 > 0:37:28"Does it feed the thing that makes the pictures change?"
0:37:28 > 0:37:29"Yeah, whatever, eh..."
0:37:30 > 0:37:34I love the fact that people get bewildered by technology,
0:37:34 > 0:37:38I love the fact that people get really negative about it, like, there's something wrong about this.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Twitter, I am very fond of Twitter, for example.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42I think it's great fun, that title came from Twitter.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45It creates community and jokes get passed around.
0:37:45 > 0:37:46Twitter's very good
0:37:46 > 0:37:51because it's allowed up to 40,000 people to contact me directly
0:37:51 > 0:37:54and tell me I look like Gru from Despicable Me.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56LAUGHTER
0:37:56 > 0:37:59APPLAUSE
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Hate the round of applause that gets every night.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Eh...
0:38:04 > 0:38:06I think it's good for...
0:38:06 > 0:38:08And also, people say there's something natural
0:38:08 > 0:38:11about the form of communication, it's brevity, it's what we do.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Brevity is the very soul of wit, we've known that since Shakespeare.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15It is brief and to the point.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19If you're a comic, you love a thing that you explain in seconds.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21I had a routine that I used to do about,
0:38:21 > 0:38:24what's the stupidest thing you've done on your holidays? I've retired it.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27I've almost entirely rested it because it was won.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30It was won in January by one bloke from Killarney.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Just nailed it, right.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Now, we just ask to set the bar.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35All I want is the first line -
0:38:35 > 0:38:38what's the stupidest thing you've done on your holidays?
0:38:38 > 0:38:40- MAN:- Gone to the wrong place.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44Went to the wrong place - loving that! What was that that just occurred there?
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Went to the wrong place. What did you shout?
0:38:47 > 0:38:51- MAN:- Married my wife. - Married your wife. Aw!
0:38:51 > 0:38:54LAUGHTER
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Thing is, up there's a woman going, "Did you get a big laugh?
0:38:56 > 0:39:00"Did you like that? Funny, was it? Did you get a good laugh off them?
0:39:00 > 0:39:02"Why don't you go home to bed with them
0:39:02 > 0:39:06- "cos you're not going to bed with me right now." - LAUGHTER
0:39:06 > 0:39:10I went out in Killarney and said, "What's the stupidest thing you've ever done on your holiday?"
0:39:10 > 0:39:12One bloke goes, "I kicked an armadillo."
0:39:12 > 0:39:14LAUGHTER
0:39:21 > 0:39:23"That is epic, my friend.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26"Why did you do that?" And he said, "I don't know.
0:39:26 > 0:39:30"He just walked out in front of me, I didn't know what the fuck to do."
0:39:30 > 0:39:34He was on a jungle trek, like, a guided tour of the wildlife,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37with the local guide showing him,
0:39:37 > 0:39:39"This is the nest of the such-and-such.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42"You can see the tracks there and occasionally,
0:39:42 > 0:39:45"those birds will find their fruit and they will bring it..."
0:39:45 > 0:39:47All this kind of stuff and in the background he's standing next
0:39:47 > 0:39:50to a bush and an armadillo walks out and he just goes, "Oh, fuck!"
0:39:50 > 0:39:51And he just hoofs it.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55LAUGHTER
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Properly...boof!
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Apparently, got his foot underneath it with the instep,
0:40:02 > 0:40:06lifted it over a tree.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09See, I don't know what I find more exciting about that, the face
0:40:09 > 0:40:16of the local guide, going, "Don't kick the fucking wildlife,"
0:40:16 > 0:40:21or of the armadillo, going, "This is a bad day for me."
0:40:21 > 0:40:22LAUGHTER
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Apropos of nothing - stupidest thing I've ever
0:40:28 > 0:40:30done on my holidays was on Bondi Beach in Australia.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33I was watching the surfers go fizz, fizz, fizz up and down,
0:40:33 > 0:40:36standing on the boards, comfortable, looking very...
0:40:36 > 0:40:37And I went, "I can do that."
0:40:37 > 0:40:41I went to the board rental area, rented the largest board they had,
0:40:41 > 0:40:46ran to the water with the music from Hawaii Five-0 playing in my head.
0:40:46 > 0:40:47Ran to the water.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49It's amazing - the minute you hit the water it instantly
0:40:49 > 0:40:53goes from surfboard to bar of soap, floomp - out of your hands.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54LAUGHTER
0:40:54 > 0:40:57And then there's an interesting moment of tension.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Cos when they rent you a surfboard, they strap it to your leg.
0:40:59 > 0:41:04So it goes...and then you go as well.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Drags you out of the water. You're hoping nobody spotted. You run back in again.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Every time I tried - floomp - gone. Then - floom - again.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13Just 20 minutes of watching this thing disappear off
0:41:13 > 0:41:16and yank me with it.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18That sounds like it's just embarrassing.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21No, it's actually painful, cos the underside of a surfboard has
0:41:21 > 0:41:23three bloody razor blades stuck onto it.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25They're meant as guides or something,
0:41:25 > 0:41:28but it cuts across your thigh each time it shoots out of your hand.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31I got all these scratches and nicks and dinks.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34After 20 minutes, I looked like some weird emo chick.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Just sitting in the water with all these tiny little cuts.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39I was bleeding into the waters off Australia.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41LAUGHTER
0:41:41 > 0:41:44I'm luring sharks into Bondi Beach.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46But I kept trying.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48I ran into the water, I caught a wave coming at me,
0:41:48 > 0:41:52just about shoulder height - very important in that situation...
0:41:52 > 0:41:56Surfing 101 - when that happens, lift the board over the wave,
0:41:56 > 0:42:00or break the wave with the pointy end of the board.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01Don't do what I did...
0:42:01 > 0:42:03which is hold the board up flat...
0:42:03 > 0:42:06LAUGHTER
0:42:06 > 0:42:10..in an effort to deflect the Southern Ocean away from myself.
0:42:12 > 0:42:17I managed to harness the entire gravitational pull of the moon.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Boof - "Aw, Jesus!"
0:42:19 > 0:42:22- LAUGHTER - "Agh!" Gone, right.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Now, there's a man looking at me and laughing.
0:42:25 > 0:42:30Just standing there in his trunks laughing at me.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32I'm going, "I'm going to do this, right."
0:42:32 > 0:42:36Ran into the water and leapt onto the board, as if to mount it -
0:42:36 > 0:42:37like a rodeo thing.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39I went, "I've fucking... I've got you now! I've got you!
0:42:39 > 0:42:43"Oh, Jesus, you're not as buoyant as you let on."
0:42:43 > 0:42:47End up forcing it down and wedging myself on the sand with
0:42:47 > 0:42:49the waves just lapping in and out around me.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52I'm just staring at the other surfers, going,
0:42:52 > 0:42:54"How are you, lads? Good day in the water, isn't it?
0:42:54 > 0:42:57"Couple of great breakers out there, aren't they? Fantastic.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01"Might take a bit of break myself as I'm weak with the blood loss."
0:43:02 > 0:43:04But I had to walk past your man.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06I picked up the board, walked past the man,
0:43:06 > 0:43:09who was in tears laughing at me.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12I walked past him and I vividly remember - this is a true story -
0:43:12 > 0:43:14I walked past the man just going, "Ooh!"
0:43:14 > 0:43:17Your man looks at me, and in the thickest accent
0:43:17 > 0:43:19I have ever heard, just goes,
0:43:19 > 0:43:22"Oh, Jesus, Dara, we Irish are shite at surfing."
0:43:22 > 0:43:25LAUGHTER
0:43:32 > 0:43:36Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was talking about the technology.
0:43:36 > 0:43:39One of the things I love about Twitter, for example, is just
0:43:39 > 0:43:41that instantaneous community.
0:43:41 > 0:43:42We see an event happening,
0:43:42 > 0:43:46and we react to it and we have our water cooler moment there and then.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49It's fantastic. It's good if you're all watching the same TV show.
0:43:49 > 0:43:52It's particularly good for political events.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55Last summer during the London riots it was very evident as well.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57Did you watch the London riots?
0:43:57 > 0:43:58About seven of you did.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02The rest of you, waiting for the box set to come out?
0:44:02 > 0:44:04There was a big deal at the London riots.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07The reaction to it was fast, but it wasn't necessarily profound.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Everyone's reaction was that standard hackneyed
0:44:09 > 0:44:12reaction to the riots, which was, "I wouldn't have done that.
0:44:12 > 0:44:15"Look at those children. Those 16-year-olds are feral.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17"I would not have done that when I was 16."
0:44:17 > 0:44:19I would not have done it when I was 16.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22I wouldn't have been phoning round organising riots at 16,
0:44:22 > 0:44:24cos when I was 16, we had one phone in the house
0:44:24 > 0:44:27and it was in the sitting room with the TV and the couch.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29And there was literally no way you could organise a riot...
0:44:29 > 0:44:33"Yeah, we're going to have a riot. It's going to be amazing...
0:44:33 > 0:44:36"I'm on the phone. Leave me be, I'm on the phone."
0:44:36 > 0:44:37"We're going to smash the system,
0:44:37 > 0:44:40"We're going to destroy capitalism - it's going to be amazing.
0:44:40 > 0:44:44"Plea... I am allowed my calls as well. It's a private call.
0:44:44 > 0:44:45"I'll see you in town in half an hour.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48"See you in town in half an hour. Yay-hay, very good.
0:44:48 > 0:44:50"I need a lift into town."
0:44:50 > 0:44:52LAUGHTER
0:44:54 > 0:44:56Besides which, I was 16 in 1988.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59In 1988, NOBODY is looting a television.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04LAUGHTER
0:45:04 > 0:45:06"How fucking heavy is this thing?"
0:45:06 > 0:45:10"Bloody... God almighty! Me arms are killing me!
0:45:10 > 0:45:12"Hello, officer."
0:45:12 > 0:45:14I haven't even got out of the shop yet.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21What was intriguing for me about the way Twitter reacted,
0:45:21 > 0:45:24cos the corner of Twitter I live in will be quite media,
0:45:24 > 0:45:27quite liberal, quite left-leaning, right.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29It was amazing how quickly these people,
0:45:29 > 0:45:33seeing riots in the streets, went authoritarian.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35Went very harshly right wing, right.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39Suddenly, they're all crying out for rubber bullets to be used
0:45:39 > 0:45:42and water cannons to be introduced to the streets.
0:45:42 > 0:45:47These things are not as sweet and whimsical as these names suggest.
0:45:47 > 0:45:48Rubber bullets in particular.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51"Oh, we've got some rubber bullets, what do we do with these?
0:45:51 > 0:45:54"People have taken over the bouncy castle - boing, boing, boing!
0:45:54 > 0:45:57"And water cannons. What do we do with water cannons?
0:45:57 > 0:45:59"Distract them with the rainbow.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01"Oh, so many colours, it's lovely.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03"Oh, I'm all wet - sexy time."
0:46:04 > 0:46:06That's what they're for, right.
0:46:07 > 0:46:08People get scared,
0:46:08 > 0:46:11they get scared of crime as they don't want it to affect them.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14When you've got kids, you get scared very, very quickly, cos you want
0:46:14 > 0:46:17the walls built higher, you don't want crime coming into your home.
0:46:17 > 0:46:22I have a very specific fear about crime in the home, cos I work nights.
0:46:22 > 0:46:24I'll be giddy every evening cos I work until 11 o'clock
0:46:24 > 0:46:28at night, I don't get to sleep until four/five in the morning.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32Most nights I'm up till four/five in the morning.
0:46:32 > 0:46:33I'm an owl.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36Basically, I will be up when the burglar comes.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39And I know the way I say that makes me sound like my own mother.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41"Oh, I was up when the burglar came.
0:46:41 > 0:46:42"Oh, Jesus, the burglar's here.
0:46:42 > 0:46:44"Go down the shops, we've nothing here.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46"Go down get some biscuits for the burglar.
0:46:46 > 0:46:50"Burglar, don't look at the mess. The place is a state."
0:46:51 > 0:46:54It's a genuine fear cos I'm going to be in my hall
0:46:54 > 0:46:55and there's a burglar in my kitchen.
0:46:55 > 0:46:58I'm going to be behind the hall door, which has wood to here
0:46:58 > 0:47:01and frosted glass to here, and I'm going to...
0:47:01 > 0:47:03I don't want to fight the guy.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05I want to threaten him out of the house. I want to scare him out.
0:47:05 > 0:47:08I don't know how to do a threat, I've never done a threat in my life.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10I have a vague sense that it has to be quite punchy.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13You can't threaten somebody and let it tail off.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17You can't go, "Get out the house now or I don't know what I'll do, I'll do something, it'll be bad."
0:47:17 > 0:47:20If I'm behind the door, give me the first thing you'd shout.
0:47:20 > 0:47:21MAN: Get tae fuck!
0:47:21 > 0:47:22Get tae fuck!
0:47:22 > 0:47:26LAUGHTER
0:47:30 > 0:47:33It's more the exasperated tone, "Get to fuck."
0:47:33 > 0:47:34Like it's a wasp.
0:47:34 > 0:47:38Like you're at a picnic and you're going, "Ah, get tae fuck!"
0:47:38 > 0:47:43"Ah, fucking, ah! Sick of the fucking burglar. Get tae fuck."
0:47:45 > 0:47:49The key is, once you get past the "get tae fucks", then you're into,
0:47:49 > 0:47:53I'm in the hall, what world can I create in the hall to scare the guy away?
0:47:53 > 0:47:55I was in Cork and I made the mistake of saying,
0:47:55 > 0:47:57"What world will we create behind the door?"
0:47:57 > 0:48:01And a bloke in row three, with genuine excitement, went, "Narnia."
0:48:01 > 0:48:05LAUGHTER
0:48:06 > 0:48:08As if I should slightly open the door
0:48:08 > 0:48:10and throw fake snow into the gap.
0:48:11 > 0:48:15And go, "You must leave now. The Ice Queen is coming."
0:48:15 > 0:48:18What would you do behind the door to create the illusion you've
0:48:18 > 0:48:21got something with you? Bark! Of course, like a dog.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24Let's hear you do it, right.
0:48:24 > 0:48:28I'm the burglar, this is the door, I'm rooting through your stuff
0:48:28 > 0:48:29when I hear this...
0:48:29 > 0:48:31None of the rest of you now.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33I hear this noise...
0:48:33 > 0:48:34WOMAN BARKS
0:48:34 > 0:48:37LAUGHTER
0:48:44 > 0:48:48Nothing scares a burglar more than a tiny dog.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51A tiny dog released from the handbag he lives in.
0:48:51 > 0:48:52"Go on, go on!"
0:48:52 > 0:48:54HE BARKS
0:48:55 > 0:48:56"Fucking thing."
0:48:56 > 0:48:59If you can kick an armadillo, you can kick that fucking dog.
0:48:59 > 0:49:02No difficulty doing that. Anything else? One more over here.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04- WOMAN:- Peekaboo!
0:49:06 > 0:49:09LAUGHTER
0:49:09 > 0:49:13I'm sorry, my attention has entirely been got.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16That was the scariest thing I have ever heard in my life.
0:49:16 > 0:49:20Is it just me, or is that woman going, "Peekaboo,"
0:49:20 > 0:49:25the most frightening thing you could possibly...?
0:49:25 > 0:49:29What kind of fucked-up horror movie...?
0:49:29 > 0:49:34The doll is alive, "Peekaboo!"
0:49:34 > 0:49:36LAUGHTER
0:49:38 > 0:49:40What kind of crazy, haunted,
0:49:40 > 0:49:43possessed house does the guy think he's in?
0:49:43 > 0:49:45Should I put a plate on top of a fishing line
0:49:45 > 0:49:47and wave it around as well
0:49:47 > 0:49:51and go, "Peekaboo. I've got you."
0:49:51 > 0:49:53Why don't we just play jack-in-the-box music?
0:49:53 > 0:49:56HE SINGS "HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH" TUNE
0:49:56 > 0:49:57"Peekaboo!"
0:49:57 > 0:49:59LAUGHTER
0:49:59 > 0:50:02"You're mine now."
0:50:05 > 0:50:09There was one answer - not as creepy and weird as that...
0:50:09 > 0:50:12There was one answer that always appears in Ireland, interestingly.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14Always appears in Ireland
0:50:14 > 0:50:17and it would 100% work in getting an Irish burglar out of an Irish house.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19It never gets shouted in the UK, ever.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT
0:50:23 > 0:50:25You're just shouting every...
0:50:25 > 0:50:27I'm waiting for potato to be shouted,
0:50:27 > 0:50:30the level of the stuff that's been poured out.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32What did you say down there?
0:50:32 > 0:50:33- WOMAN:- Jesus is watching.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Jesus is watching.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37LAUGHTER
0:50:43 > 0:50:44These days, I think
0:50:44 > 0:50:47you might be overestimating the power of the Catholic Church!
0:50:47 > 0:50:50If you said the local priest is watching,
0:50:50 > 0:50:51that'd be more scary for them!
0:50:53 > 0:50:58The killer phrase, in Ireland, if you want to get an Irish
0:50:58 > 0:51:02burglar out of your house, you open the door slightly and just shout,
0:51:02 > 0:51:03"I know your mother."
0:51:03 > 0:51:05LAUGHTER
0:51:05 > 0:51:09No Irish burglar stays in a house. "Jesus! You probably do."
0:51:09 > 0:51:10And they're gone.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13Listen, they're all brilliant suggestions.
0:51:13 > 0:51:15You're creepy. They're all brilliant suggestions.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17Don't get me wrong, I have an alarm.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19I'm not an idiot, I have an alarm in the house.
0:51:19 > 0:51:22In fact, I'm not showing off here, I've got a motion sensor alarm in the house.
0:51:22 > 0:51:24AUDIENCE OOHS
0:51:24 > 0:51:26They're great. Nothing to do with home security,
0:51:26 > 0:51:30but every time you come home pissed, you try to beat it.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33I thought being a homeowner was really responsible,
0:51:33 > 0:51:36but now I find myself tiptoeing through my own house, going,
0:51:36 > 0:51:38"I've almost got it this time."
0:51:38 > 0:51:42The amount of times I've gone to bed and my wife has gone, "Did the alarm go off?"
0:51:42 > 0:51:44And I've gone, "Shh. Shh. Go to sleep now.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47"Nothing to be worried about. It was a short circuit - some sort of error.
0:51:47 > 0:51:50"Nothing to be worried about. You go to sleep. Everything is safe.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52"Sleepy time for you. Sleepy time for you."
0:51:52 > 0:51:55She's gone, "Were you playing Mission: Impossible again?"
0:51:55 > 0:51:57LAUGHTER
0:51:57 > 0:51:58"I got to the stairs."
0:51:58 > 0:52:00LAUGHTER
0:52:00 > 0:52:02The bloke came in to install this alarm and
0:52:02 > 0:52:05stood in the kitchen and went, "Sensor over there.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07"Sensor over there and a sensor over there."
0:52:07 > 0:52:10And as he was doing this, one of our cats just walked past him.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12Your man goes, "Is that a cat?"
0:52:12 > 0:52:14LAUGHTER
0:52:14 > 0:52:17When a grown man does that, you just have to savour
0:52:17 > 0:52:20the moment before you launch in and go, "Is that what it is?"
0:52:20 > 0:52:23LAUGHTER
0:52:23 > 0:52:25"We have been Googling furiously for weeks.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29"We've even scanned him in at one stage.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32"We've narrowed it down to slightly larger than a hamster,
0:52:32 > 0:52:33"but smaller than a small elk.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37"With this new information, we can narrow the search down even more.
0:52:37 > 0:52:41"Honey, it's a cat! "I know, we never thought. That's great."
0:52:41 > 0:52:42"Yeah, it's a cat. So what?"
0:52:42 > 0:52:45And your man goes, "Well, it's not going to work now."
0:52:45 > 0:52:48I said, "What do you mean?" He says, "Because of the system.
0:52:48 > 0:52:51"The system cannot tell the difference between a cat
0:52:51 > 0:52:52"and a burglar."
0:52:54 > 0:52:58I'm standing looking at him, going, "Well, let me explain it to the system."
0:52:58 > 0:53:00"A cat is about this height.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02"A burglar is about this height.
0:53:02 > 0:53:07"If a cat ever breaks into my house and it's this height,
0:53:07 > 0:53:09"I want the fucking alarm to go off."
0:53:09 > 0:53:11LAUGHTER
0:53:17 > 0:53:19"I don't want any debate, any pause,
0:53:19 > 0:53:23"I want the alarm to erupt into life and go, whah-whah-whah.
0:53:23 > 0:53:27"Get up, there's a sabre-toothed tiger in your kitchen, get up!
0:53:27 > 0:53:29"Get up, there's a tiger in the house!
0:53:29 > 0:53:32"Relax, he's found the Frosties, we've bought some time."
0:53:32 > 0:53:35"If your system cannot tell the difference between a cat
0:53:35 > 0:53:37"and a burglar, rip it out,
0:53:37 > 0:53:40"and we will dangle a piece of string from the ceiling.
0:53:40 > 0:53:42"And in the morning, I will come down
0:53:42 > 0:53:45"and find the burglars batting distractedly at the string."
0:53:49 > 0:53:52"And I'll open the back door - get out, get out!
0:53:52 > 0:53:54"Sick of the burglars coming in here every night.
0:53:54 > 0:53:57"It's the neighbour's burglars, we're infested with them."
0:53:57 > 0:53:58LAUGHTER
0:53:58 > 0:54:00"It is a digital alarm system," I said.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03"Can I not just upload a sound file to it?
0:54:03 > 0:54:08"Like an MP3 of a voice going, 'Intruder. Intruder. Intruder.'"
0:54:08 > 0:54:14No burglar stays in the house if the house goes, "Intruder. Intruder. Intruder."
0:54:14 > 0:54:16But it filters delightfully, because cats don't move.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19I've leaned over my cat and gone, "Intruder. Intruder. Intruder."
0:54:19 > 0:54:22And the cat has just looked up and gone, "I am on...the phone."
0:54:22 > 0:54:24LAUGHTER
0:54:24 > 0:54:26A fried said, "That is amazing.
0:54:26 > 0:54:30"If you could upload any music, you should upload the Benny Hill theme tune."
0:54:30 > 0:54:32How epic would that be?
0:54:32 > 0:54:34A burglar breaks in and suddenly the house goes...
0:54:34 > 0:54:37HE HUMS THE BENNY HILL SHOW THEME TUNE
0:54:37 > 0:54:39Naturally, you run down in your underwear from bed.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42HE HUMS THE BENNY HILL SHOW THEME TUNE
0:54:43 > 0:54:45Around the burglar, back out into the hall.
0:54:45 > 0:54:49Back in again. With you, two girls in stilettos.
0:54:49 > 0:54:50Something for the dads.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53LAUGHTER
0:54:53 > 0:54:55My wife said, "No, you are not having Aurora
0:54:55 > 0:54:58"and Starburst hanging round the house." I said, "It is for home security.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01"You are not taking the security of this family seriously enough."
0:55:01 > 0:55:04I do not want to have to deal with the burglar in that situation.
0:55:04 > 0:55:06I will give one piece of advice before I pretend to walk off -
0:55:06 > 0:55:09I'll do the thing where I'll walk to there, come out again.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11Keep an eye on it.
0:55:11 > 0:55:14If you are ever facing a burglar in your home,
0:55:14 > 0:55:19don't be fooled by the propaganda of the frying pan industry.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22If you hit a person with a frying pan, it doesn't go, "dong".
0:55:22 > 0:55:24And the person goes...like that.
0:55:24 > 0:55:28There is no setting for stun on a frying pan.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30There are two settings on a frying pan.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32You're either going to hurt and anger them,
0:55:32 > 0:55:35or you're going to fucking kill them.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38LAUGHTER
0:55:38 > 0:55:41Either you've got a burglar in your kitchen, going,
0:55:41 > 0:55:43"What the fuck did you do that for?"
0:55:43 > 0:55:48Or you're in your own garden...digging a grave.
0:55:48 > 0:55:49With a frying pan.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52You're dragging the corpse, you're patting it down.
0:55:52 > 0:55:55You're looking at your own hands which are covered in soil
0:55:55 > 0:55:56and blood and brains.
0:55:56 > 0:56:00You're going, "Oh, my God. So much evidence, how can I get rid of it?
0:56:00 > 0:56:06"If only I'd bought the Dettol No-Touch antibacterial soap dispenser."
0:56:06 > 0:56:09Ladies and gentleman, I'll walk to here.
0:56:09 > 0:56:11CHEERING
0:56:11 > 0:56:16Going to here...almost disappearing.
0:56:16 > 0:56:18And I'm back out again!
0:56:18 > 0:56:22CHEERING
0:56:27 > 0:56:30Absolute pleasure to talk to you, you've been fantastic.
0:56:30 > 0:56:33Going to leave you with a story. Phones are great, but...
0:56:33 > 0:56:36There was a piece in the Guardian not long ago,
0:56:36 > 0:56:38they'd seen an interview with Paul McCartney,
0:56:38 > 0:56:42where he said he can't finish a meal without people constantly coming up for a photograph on the phone.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44And the Guardian were quite snarky about it and quite,
0:56:44 > 0:56:48"Oh, Paul, if this is the worst thing you have to face with your millions..."
0:56:48 > 0:56:50You're going, "It probably is a hassle."
0:56:50 > 0:56:52Paul McCartney's the eighth most famous man in the world.
0:56:52 > 0:56:55We'd all want a photograph with Paul McCartney if we saw him, right?
0:56:55 > 0:56:58I'm the 9,000th most famous man in Ireland, I can't
0:56:58 > 0:57:01finish a fucking pint in Cork, in particular.
0:57:01 > 0:57:02Cork is a great town,
0:57:02 > 0:57:05but Jesus, they're obsessed with their Facebook update status.
0:57:05 > 0:57:07If I go for pints in Cork,
0:57:07 > 0:57:10the next day I could flick through Facebook and in the correct
0:57:10 > 0:57:13order I could watch a stop-motion animation of myself.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15LAUGHTER
0:57:18 > 0:57:22Once, I was sitting in a bar in Dublin, I was drinking angrily.
0:57:22 > 0:57:24You know those occasions where you just...
0:57:24 > 0:57:26Having a pint about something with a mate of mine.
0:57:26 > 0:57:29A woman came over and tapped me on the shoulder with a camera and said,
0:57:29 > 0:57:31"Is there any chance of getting...?"
0:57:31 > 0:57:33And I said, "Of course. Of course."
0:57:33 > 0:57:35I took the camera off her, put my arm around her,
0:57:35 > 0:57:38held the camera and went click, click, click, flash.
0:57:38 > 0:57:41I handed it back and said, "There you go, have a lovely day."
0:57:41 > 0:57:44Away she goes. I turned to my mate who is laughing, and I said, "What is so funny?
0:57:44 > 0:57:47"This is what you have to do now. It's what you have to do."
0:57:47 > 0:57:49And he said, "I'm not sure it is, really, to be honest.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52"I think she just wanted you, or anyone,
0:57:52 > 0:57:54"to take a photograph of her and her friends."
0:57:54 > 0:57:56LAUGHTER
0:58:03 > 0:58:07There was nothing more earthing, more grounding,
0:58:07 > 0:58:13more good for the soul than slowly turning in a bar to see a woman
0:58:13 > 0:58:18holding up your face on a camera and mouthing the words,
0:58:18 > 0:58:21"Who the fuck...is this?"
0:58:21 > 0:58:24LAUGHTER
0:58:26 > 0:58:31"Who is this man who insisted I be photographed?
0:58:31 > 0:58:33"Who put his arm around me and went,
0:58:33 > 0:58:35"'You don't want them, you want this.'"
0:58:35 > 0:58:39"This is the happy memory you want of your trip to Dublin.
0:58:39 > 0:58:41"Give me a big smile.
0:58:41 > 0:58:44"There you go, pet, have a lovely weekend. Bang."
0:58:44 > 0:58:45LAUGHTER
0:58:45 > 0:58:49It has been a pleasure talking to you, to every one of you, it's been a delight.
0:58:49 > 0:58:51You've been a joy, as always.
0:58:51 > 0:58:55I'm Dara O Briain, good night, see you later.
0:58:55 > 0:58:56CHEERING
0:58:58 > 0:59:01Absolute pleasure, ladies and gentlemen. We'll see you again.
0:59:01 > 0:59:03Good night, folks. See you.
0:59:03 > 0:59:05CHEERING
0:59:17 > 0:59:19Good night, folks. Good night.
0:59:33 > 0:59:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd