0:00:28 > 0:00:31Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Patrick Kielty.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36CHEERING
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Thank you very much.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Thank you.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, good evening, all. Thank you very much.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Good evening, folks. Welcome to the show. How are you doing?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Are we all OK?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03- Yes? - CHEERING
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Yes. This is Funny From The Foyle.
0:01:05 > 0:01:11We're coming to you tonight from the venue here in Derry-Londonderry...
0:01:12 > 0:01:13..as part of, em...
0:01:13 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:20As part of 2013 City of Culture, honestly.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Cos, for me, nothing says culture more than a big tent.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Can you feel the culture?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37A big tent in an abandoned army base, "Oh, the culture."
0:01:42 > 0:01:43It's great, isn't it?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45On the sight of an old army barracks.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46How times have changed.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Eh, if I'd have been standing here 25 years ago,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I'd have been entertaining the troops.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55And you would have been being questioned.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01It's great to be here now.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Lovely to be here tonight in Derry-Londonderry.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Is that what you're...? Is that what you've gone for in the end?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Is that what you're calling yourselves now?
0:02:11 > 0:02:12You flash bastards, eh?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Oh, you're so cultured.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, you've changed up here, haven't you?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Throw on a couple of films with subtitles
0:02:21 > 0:02:24and a bit of a ceilidh, and you've gone all double-barrelled on us, eh?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Oh, you're so posh. You're like something out of Downton Abbey.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34"Have you met the Derry-Londonderry's mama?"
0:02:35 > 0:02:37"Yes, unfortunately I have, dear."
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"But I think someone may have married below themselves."
0:02:43 > 0:02:45How do you manage to get away with that?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47If I'd gone double-barrelled when I got married,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49you'd have bottled me out of it, wouldn't you?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Have you met the Kielty-Deeleys?"
0:02:54 > 0:02:56That wouldn't have went down well, would it?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03The Kielty-Deeleys. It sounds like a Hugo Duncan song, doesn't it?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07# Come down from the mountain, Kielty-Deeley. #
0:03:12 > 0:03:16I'll explain that joke to the wife when I get home.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17But it's great.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I know everybody isn't happy with Derry-Londonderry,
0:03:19 > 0:03:24but I think it's nice. I think you can all sound more cultured now.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27When people ask when you're from, you can sound like James Bond.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31The name's Derry...Londonderry.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Embrace it!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I'll have a W K D.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Shaken not stirred.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It's an example for everybody. Everybody should use it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47If you can't agree, that's what we should do.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Where are you from, sir?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'm from Ireland-Northern Ireland.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51What about you?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Palestine. Israel-Palestine.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57I'm glad we got it sorted.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It was very confusing for any tourist that used to come before.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01They didn't know where they were.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Even the sat-nav whenever it got to Drumahoe used to go,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"Oh, for fuck's sake, make your mind up."
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Nobody knew!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18You see, you see, you lot don't know.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It's confusing for anybody else whenever they come up.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22People don't have a clue.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Imagine if you're actually a tourist listening to the sat nav,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28trying to leave the town and head for Donegal.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"You are now leaving Derry-Londonderry.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Please proceed north till the South."
0:04:35 > 0:04:36HE MOUTHS
0:04:41 > 0:04:45So it's lovely to be here in UK City of Culture.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48CHEERING
0:04:48 > 0:04:50We've found the Protestants, there you go.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Or as Martin McGuinness just calls it...
0:05:04 > 0:05:05"Mm, eh, City of Culture."
0:05:08 > 0:05:11"Welcome to the City of Culture."
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Congratulations, Martin, where is it? European City of Culture?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15"No."
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Ireland's City of Culture?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17"No.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Mm, heh, City of Culture."
0:05:27 > 0:05:30So, em, so I've decided to make an effort for you tonight, folks.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Can you tell anything different with the appearance?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35No?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Well, what I've done is I've actually decided to come because
0:05:38 > 0:05:42of City of Culture, I've decided to come in traditional Derry man dress.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46I have.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Black shoes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- AUDIENCE MEMBER: White socks. - White socks.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51CHEERING
0:05:51 > 0:05:52White socks.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58My mammy's even put my name on them. Look.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03There it is there.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Of course, just to round it off, mucka.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06There you go, a bad tache.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Look, can you see that? Can you see that there?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Honestly, I've been growing this.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I've been pretending that this is for Movember.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It's actually for this gig. We had to put the gig back twice.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22I've been trying to grow a moustache since June. It's a shocker.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I don't get that whole Movember thing. Whose idea was that, eh?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great idea in principle -
0:06:30 > 0:06:32men sticking two fingers up to prostate cancer.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39OK, let's just start...let's just start with one. But...
0:06:41 > 0:06:42But how's it connected?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Growing a moustache and sticking your finger up your arse. Who...?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Eh?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51It's the only health campaign in the world devised by the Village People.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52What's going on there?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I love all the events this year.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03All the great events.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I have to say, my favourite this year is the masquerade ball.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09HE LAUGHS
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Whose idea was that? A masquerade ball these days in Derry.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Where's anybody going to get a mask these days for a masquerade ball?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It's basically Strictly Does Sinn Fein.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25That's basically what a masquerade ball is, isn't it?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Or Sinn Fein Does Strictly, if I was telling that joke correctly.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Don't worry, that's the line we'll use.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Sinn Fein Does Strictly.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42"Dancing the cha-cha-cha...or should that be the ra-ra-ra?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"It's Martin McGuinness and his partner Tatiana."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Martin standing in front of the judges.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Nothing new there.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04AUDIENCE GRUMBLES
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Oh, they didn't like that, they didn't like that.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Standing in front of Bruno and Craig,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11two Orange men judging him again.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21So are we ready for more culture tonight? Yes? Yes.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Look at you all pretending that you love it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Look at you all secretly busting, waiting for the end of the year.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30You're up to your back teeth in culture. Isn't that right?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Look at you all secretly just waiting for January
0:08:32 > 0:08:33so you can get back to normal.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What a year it's been. Start of the year in January,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"Oh, I'm looking forward to all the culture. It's going to be great.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43April - "Holy God, gee, culture, some boy, gee, it's powerful.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44"Powerful culture. Oh, my God.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Powerful altogether."
0:08:46 > 0:08:51September - "Oh, don't get me wrong now, you know, but like...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"there's a fair wee bit of it, isn't there, like?"
0:08:54 > 0:08:57December - "Fucking culture."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Don't worry, there's only a few more days to go.
0:09:02 > 0:09:0512 o'clock on New Year's Eve is going to be the biggest party
0:09:05 > 0:09:08this town has ever seen. People able to get back to normal.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12No tourists to impress. People able to piss freely in the streets again.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Are we ready for our first act this evening, folks?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Yes.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30We've got a great night of comedy coming up.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Comedy, of course, like Derry has changed a lot over the years.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Back in the '70s Irish jokes were, "Paddy says to Murphy,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Murphy says to Paddy, Paddy says to Murphy."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Thank God all of that is gone.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42So it gives me, Patrick Kielty,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45great pleasure to welcome on stage Colin Murphy.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50CHEERING
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Yes. Yes.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Good evening, people of the Foyle and surrounding regions.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10What is going to happen to this tent at the end of the year?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11That's the thing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16There's at least four people going, "That'd do our Sinead's communion."
0:10:20 > 0:10:21I reckon you could club together
0:10:21 > 0:10:25and get three streets in Shantallow into this tent.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26It's fantastic. Yeah, ooh.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Derry. Derry is fantastic.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34There is a can-do culture about Derry that I've always admired.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37You don't take no for an answer.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40You don't wait around for people to do things for you, you just go,
0:10:40 > 0:10:41"Oh, we'll do it."
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"Theatre? We don't have a theatre. We want a theatre."
0:10:46 > 0:10:47"That building's empty."
0:10:47 > 0:10:48HE IMITATES EXPLOSION
0:10:50 > 0:10:51"Theatre."
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It's fantastic. It is. It's very positive.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Everybody's very upbeat, which is surprising for Derry.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01But everybody is really upbeat.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Today, walking over the bridge, having a nice time, walking.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"Oh, it's lovely."
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You've got loads of tourists now as well.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Enjoying the tourists?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14How many times do you have to give directions to people?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17It's just... "Oh, it's just up there."
0:11:17 > 0:11:19It's just...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I feel sorry for the tourists coming here, not just to Derry
0:11:22 > 0:11:24but the whole of the north.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26You know, we promise so much.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Every single Centra, every single petrol station that you go to
0:11:29 > 0:11:33now has a delicatessen, and has a sign outside that says delicatessen.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I feel sorry for all the French and the Italians and the Spanish...
0:11:39 > 0:11:43..driving down the road going, "Oh, voila!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:47# Delicatessen, delicatessen
0:11:47 > 0:11:50# Oh, delicatessen. #
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Oh, prosciutto, some focaccia, some Parma ham. A nice bottle of vino.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Beautiful.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Then they arrive in.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03There's some woman in a tabard going, "Hi."
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Egg and onion.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15And sausage rolls. That's all we've left.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I can put the sausage rolls in a baguette for you if you want.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Brown sauce is traditional.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You can tell how rough it is. Did you get a new swimming pool?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41No? No.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43See, you missed out on that.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Sport isn't culture. That's the thing, isn't it?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I was in a swimming pool recently.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You can tell how rough... This is how rough the place was.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53This is completely true. This is in Newtownards Swimming Pool.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56In Newtownards Swimming Pool, on the inside of the swimming pool,
0:12:56 > 0:13:01at the deep end, written on the wall, in letters that big in red,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04inside the swimming pool, it says, "No smoking."
0:13:04 > 0:13:05That's what it says.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14You have to be a dedicated smoker to be in a pool going...
0:13:26 > 0:13:27"I've got my fags in my hat."
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm not really a sporty person. I've got rules with sport.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35There's some sports I don't consider sports.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39If you can smoke while you're doing it, it's not a sport. That's my rule.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Darts - not a sport. Snooker - not a sport.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Golf - not a sport.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Anything involving a car - not a sport.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Not only can you smoke, you can listen to the radio.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50That is not a sport.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Rally driving, that's not a sport, that's just culties lost.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54That's all that is.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"Left, right, left, left, right, left.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59"You've missed it, you eejit, you."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It's all of this.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05We were taught GAA at school. That's all we had in school.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06That's not a sport,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09you can't have a sport with 30 people on the pitch and only three surnames.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10That's wrong.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14It's just culties in hot pants, that's all it is.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Horse racing - that's not a sport.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21That's just a tiny man holding on to an animal. That's all it is.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24That's all it is. At the end of the race, they interview the tiny man.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Not the horse, the tiny man. How do you think the race went?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"I thought it went well. Hit him with a stick, he was going really fast. He was jumping over the jumps.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33"Thought he was going to slow down, but I hit him and he went fast. The man behind me, he's hitting his,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36"and I was hitting mine faster. I was going harder, harder. And as I say, I won."
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Meanwhile, the horse is behind him going...
0:14:49 > 0:14:54"Stitch. Jesus. They shot my brother."
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm going to attempt a first now, ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I'm not a very religious man, but you know what I love?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I love the sound of Mass. I love the sound that it makes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18I'm going to be the first man ever in Derry to do Mass...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24..on the waterside. So this...
0:15:26 > 0:15:31If...if you've ever wondered what goes on, if you're not Catholic and
0:15:31 > 0:15:34you've ever wondered what goes on at Mass, "What are they saying in there?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"What are they saying in there?"
0:15:36 > 0:15:37"What are they saying?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"I want to know what they're saying, but I'm not going in.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42"No, I'm not going in."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45This is what it is - it's complicated. Mass is very difficult.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I've been to Protestant services, they seem to be simple.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51There seem to be two positions - standing and sitting.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54When you're standing - singing. When you're sitting - listening.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55That's the way it seems to work.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Catholic service is a lot more involved, more going on.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00There's a lot of movement. It's like a really slow t'ai chi.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02There's kneeling and sitting and standing and sitting
0:16:02 > 0:16:06and kneeling and sitting and then kneeling and then sitting.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Standing then shaking hands with everybody.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Shaking hands.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Sitting. Then the worse one. Getting caught.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18You don't know whether to kneel or sit. That's the worse one.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21You just perch. You perch, look around, perch.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Kneel, kneel, kneel.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25The worst one of all - stand up. Everyone else sits down.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26That's the worst.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31We don't know the words, everybody thinks they know the words.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33You do know the words when they're there,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35but as soon as you leave...gone. You have no idea.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38It's like Bohemian Rhapsody - you listen to it on the radio,
0:16:38 > 0:16:39you know every single word.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42If somebody stopped you on the street - no idea whatsoever.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43That's exactly the same.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45We'll do Mass now. I'm the priest I'm at the front.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I've got lights and a microphone.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49You're the congregation, obviously.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Don't worry, you're not going to hell for doing this, it's fine.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54We're not going to say anything.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56What you're going to do is recreate that sound of Mass.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57All together,
0:16:57 > 0:17:02everybody even if you're not a believer of anything, just join in.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05What you have to say is, what you have to say is,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Everybody together. I'll point to you and you do it, OK?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Now, there's 2,500 people in here.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Make a bit more noise than that.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19It's a big cathedral.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Or are yous going, "Don't say it too loud?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28"Do you know where we are?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:35It'll be hilarious if someone's walking across the street outside.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45We'll try it again. One, two, three, go.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Beautiful.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50That's fantastic.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I'll be the priest, I'll point to you, you do the thing. This is Mass.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Humin-humin, hamin-humin
0:17:56 > 0:17:58haman-haman-haman.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Haman-haman.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Humin-haman-haman.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Haman-haman-haman.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Haman-haman.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Maman-mana-hamanan.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Maman-haman.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Maman-haman.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Maman-haman.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina - Maman-haman.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina. - Maman-haman.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22The Mass has ended. Go in peace. Thank you very much.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Thank you, bye-bye. Thank you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Thanks for that.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34One more time, let's hear it for Colin Murphy, come on.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43HE IMITATES COLIN'S MASS
0:18:44 > 0:18:46OK, we've got a real treat for you now, folks.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I first saw this man back in the 1980s.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52When I started out, I thought maybe one day I'd be as funny as him.
0:18:52 > 0:18:5625 years later, I'm afraid it's still waiting to happen.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58But that's great news for you tonight.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Enjoy him, and I'll take notes.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Please welcome Tyrone's greatest comedy export
0:19:03 > 0:19:06since Hugo Duncan, Mr Kevin McAleer.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10CHEERING
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I'm still laughing at that Mass. I'll be all right in a minute.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31I brought my own microphone. I wouldn't trust those microphones.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32A lot of them are bugged.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43I just have to decide what height I am now. Somewhere about there, yeah?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Hello, Derry-Londonderry.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS REPLY
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Hello, Derry-Londonderry. I can't hear you.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55CHEERING
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Still can't hear your. Hello, Derry-London... I can't.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03It's me, actually. I've got a... I've got a buzz.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I've got a buzz in my ears.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Yeah, I've had it... I've had it all year, actually.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10There's a buzz going round.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14It's a real problem.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I went to the doctor, he hit me on the knee with a hammer.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I punched him...
0:20:19 > 0:20:20..straight in the face.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Nobody accuses me of being a drug dealer.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32I said, "I've got this buzz."
0:20:32 > 0:20:34He said, "Oh, yeah, that's the City of Culture buzz.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"There's a lot of that.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38"A lot of people in here with that.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40"There's no cure for it, it just has to run its course."
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I said, "I can't sleep.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"I'm up all night, I'm running to the theatre every two hours."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"Definitely," he said, "that's the Derry-hoea"
0:20:53 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"Yeah, you'll be all right. You'll be all right in January.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09"Just try to drink plenty and wear some earplugs,
0:21:09 > 0:21:10"and stay away from Hull."
0:21:14 > 0:21:17For those people thinking at home in black and white,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20we're on the Protestant side of the river here.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22We're on the upper-east side.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Young people, they don't care about that sectarian stuff.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29It's all old hat. Not on our side anyway, you know, it's...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35It's that other shower that are the problems.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41But we're all the same.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44People say, "Oh, it's not the UK City of Culture, it's not the UK,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"it's not a city, it's not culture, it's not of, it's London of."
0:21:48 > 0:21:50We're all the same. Let's get over it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52We're all Irish at the end of the day, eh?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Some of us.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It's all semantic, not that I'm anti-semantic.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16The Peace Bridge is fantastic. Couldn't fault it.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18It's changed my whole perspective on Derry.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It's changed the geography and the history.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23It's a beautiful-looking thing, as well.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26It's a work of art, really, it could have won the Turner Prize, frankly.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32And might yet, next year.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35But, now I don't like to be critical about it,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38but there's one thing I don't like to be negative at the end of this
0:22:38 > 0:22:42fantastic positive year, but there's one thing about the Peace Bridge.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Somebody has to say it, it's... It's not straight.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Far from it.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01No, if you actually stand at one end of it and look up,
0:23:01 > 0:23:06which you have to do to walk across it, there's a curve.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10If you close one eye, there's a curve in it.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Not one, actually, two. It curves the other way then.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Obviously what they did, they built half of it and they thought,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"Oh, God, it's not straight, they noticed it."
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Rather than doing the sensible thing of knocking it down
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and building It again, they thought,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"Oh, we'll do it the other way and it will come out
0:23:28 > 0:23:32"roughly within 50 yards of where it was supposed to."
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I suppose you have to understand,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37a lot of these people never had jobs before.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50You have to make allowances. God love them.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It was only the women in the shirt factory had jobs.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56If they had have done the bridge it would be a lot straighter anyway,
0:23:56 > 0:23:57that's for sure.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00People say, what's-what's-what's wrong with a few bends?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"Sure, let it go."
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Yeah, but if it was straight, which is should be, it would
0:24:05 > 0:24:10actually knock 20 seconds off the time that it takes to run across it.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14That 20 seconds could save your life, you know?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Like if you were caught on the wrong side, see...
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Or if you were in the middle of some cross community situation,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32you know, and had to get home in a hurry.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35It could be vital.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41There's so much to celebrate, isn't there?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45It's one big celebration, the whole decade, really.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48We had the Titanic, we had the Ulster Covenant.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53We had the birth of the UVF, it's one big party, isn't it?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Well, I suppose the Nationalists, you know, we have 2016 coming up
0:24:57 > 0:25:00and the centenary of the glorious Easter Rising
0:25:00 > 0:25:03when the wee six got left behind.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07So, I am looking forward to that, you know.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Something for everybody.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14And then there is the birth of Northern Ireland
0:25:14 > 0:25:20and the building of Stormont... the Second World War, the famine,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22the Black Death, the apocalypse...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Rory McIlroy... all kinds of everything.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Dana... LondonDana...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:33It's all so positive, you know.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37It is hard to believe that it's 3,000 years
0:25:37 > 0:25:42since Feargal Sharkey rowed single-handedly from Iona...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:47..established the first shirt factory in Ireland.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Wearing nothing but an Aran jumper.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Actually, that's not quite factually accurate.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58You cannot row single-handedly or you would go round in circles.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04We didn't get to where we are today by going round in circles, did we?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Anyway... to Hull or Connacht. Goodnight!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13APPLAUSE
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Come on, one more time. Give it up for Kevin McAleer.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:28OK, folks. It's time to welcome a man who supported me
0:26:28 > 0:26:30whenever I was on tour last year.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34In much the same way that Derry City fans support their team.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36He only turned up half the time, left ten minutes from the end
0:26:36 > 0:26:38and spent the rest of the time shouting at me
0:26:38 > 0:26:41that I wasn't as good as I was 20 years ago.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Please welcome the star of Monumental - Micky Bartlett!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47CHEERING
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Wooh!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Hello, Derry. It is nice to be here, nice to be here.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01It's nice to be back in Derry. Nice to be back, nice to be home.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Because I went to university here. A lot of you don't know that.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I went to university here in Derry, it's my favourite city in the world.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11I left University of Ulster, Magee Campus with a 2:1
0:27:11 > 0:27:13in Drama and Theatre Studies.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:27:17 > 0:27:21So, if there's anybody in from the dole...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22I wasn't here.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27You can keep that to yourselves. You know, I love Derry, I love it.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28I love the Derry accent.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I know people make fun of your accent but I do love it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Because to me a Derry accent sounds like a Chinese man
0:27:33 > 0:27:35with a throat infection!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You say hello to someone from Derry you always go,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40"All right, how are you?"
0:27:43 > 0:27:44"Ahhh, what's happenin?"
0:27:47 > 0:27:48It's amazing!
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I once saw a fight, because Halloween is my favourite time of the year...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I once saw a fight at Halloween outside a pub,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00a fight between Scooby Doo and Darth Vader. Amazing!
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Absolutely amazing!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Because Darth Vader was in character the whole way through.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06He was giving it the full on...
0:28:06 > 0:28:09BREATHES HEAVILY
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And Scooby is going, "Just hit me, hey."
0:28:13 > 0:28:15"Just punch me in the face."
0:28:15 > 0:28:18It is good stuff. I do love drinking. I love partying.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22I'm single now as well. Ladies, I am single.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25That is right, ladies. This gravy boat's still sailing.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26I'm glad that I'm single now
0:28:26 > 0:28:29because the last girl I went out with, we lived together for a
0:28:29 > 0:28:32couple of years and we split up and I had to move back in with my parents.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35I'm glad that I am single cos I live with my parents
0:28:35 > 0:28:37because it's hard to maintain a grown-up relationship, I think,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39when you live with your mum and dad.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43It's hard to have, you know a... grown-up cuddle, shall we say?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46You know. Do you ever walk past a room and you know people are up to
0:28:46 > 0:28:48no good, you hear normal, sexy noises like...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50MIMICS BED CREAKING
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:28:55 > 0:28:57That is what I imagine it sounds like.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04My house it's very different, more... "Shut up! Shut up.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07"Shut up! Shhh!"
0:29:09 > 0:29:12If I'm having sex at home, for the first five minutes I look like a
0:29:12 > 0:29:15jockey who doesn't know if he's winning...
0:29:20 > 0:29:24Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much. I'm Micky Bartlett. Good night. Cheers!
0:29:32 > 0:29:34One more time, come on. Micky Bartlett.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:29:37 > 0:29:38OK.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45A round of applause for the BBC coming up and supporting you this year.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Yeah. Yeah.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56You know, it's only right the BBC are up here covering events
0:29:56 > 0:29:59because after all, the BBC and Derry have a lot in common.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02You know, Derry had the Saville Inquiry.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05The BBC had an inquiry into Savile.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Both in their own way...
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Both in their own way...touching.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23The shame if you work for the BBC. Honestly.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27The trouble in the '70s at the BBC is a completely different thing.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30The BBC used to say Northern Ireland was the most dangerous place
0:30:30 > 0:30:34in the 1970's. Turns out it was Jimmy Savile's dressing room in the end, wasn't it?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37It's...
0:30:41 > 0:30:45OK. Are we ready for our next act folks, come on! Yes?
0:30:45 > 0:30:47THEY CHEER
0:30:47 > 0:30:50OK, next up is a man with whom I got a lot in common.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53I started out compering the Empire Comedy Club,
0:30:53 > 0:30:55then he compered the Empire Comedy Club.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58I went to London to do the Comedy Store, then he came over
0:30:58 > 0:31:01and did the Comedy Store. I used to have a TV show in Belfast,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03he's now on a TV show in Belfast.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I have told the wife to expect a call...
0:31:05 > 0:31:09Please welcome... Jake O'Kane!
0:31:09 > 0:31:12AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:31:23 > 0:31:25Nice to be back.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Now, why the bag?
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Why the bag?
0:31:30 > 0:31:34I am carrying things on stage. So, I need a bag.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Now, why this bag? I will tell you.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40When I was here the last time I discussed "flegs"!
0:31:41 > 0:31:45I am now here to discuss another social problem.
0:31:45 > 0:31:46"Begs!"
0:31:46 > 0:31:48LAUGHTER
0:31:53 > 0:31:54Notice this bag.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57This bag annoys me not because of the shop but because the way the shop
0:31:57 > 0:32:00was trying to get me to pronounce their name.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04On the adverts they say LEEDL.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07It's not LEEDL. It's LIDL.
0:32:07 > 0:32:13LIDL is what it's called. LIDL. We call it LIDL. We go LIDL.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16LIDL. Look at the way it's spelt. There's no E. It's LIDL.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18LIDL is what it's called.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21If it was LEEDL, then "shit" would be "sheet"! It's "shit"!
0:32:32 > 0:32:35I saw my first bag rage recently.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39You know the 5p, pay for the bag?
0:32:39 > 0:32:42The "beg". I went into the shop, middle-aged couple.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Posh couple in front of me at the checkout.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48And the wife goes to open her bag because the wives carry
0:32:48 > 0:32:51the bag in the bag. The wives carry the bag in the bag.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Husband doesn't carry the bag in the pocket. The wife carries the bag
0:32:54 > 0:32:57in the bag. So, wife goes to get the bag. There's no bag.
0:32:57 > 0:33:03Husband loses it, loses it completely. Loses it.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07HE RAMBLES
0:33:10 > 0:33:12I'm not five pence for a bag.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Tell me there is a bag. Look for the bag. The wife's pulling it all out.
0:33:15 > 0:33:20She's sweating. The wee girl behind the checkout she tries to intervene.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24Sir, it's only 20p for a bag for life. He goes, "I'm married to a bag for life.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26"I don't need another bag for life."
0:33:26 > 0:33:31Oh! She's crying.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33And he wouldn't pay for it.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36He's walking like that into the car, "Come on, Maggie!"
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Married a Prod. First time ever in the history of the O'Kane clan.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51Right? And I was quite old, I was 40. And now no messing about.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55My wife's not a Micky Mouse Prod. My wife is Proddy Prod Prod.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00She's the legit Proddy Prod Prod. No muckin' about Prod.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Her da' was an Orangeman, d'you understand?
0:34:03 > 0:34:06He was the worst Orangeman in the history of the Order
0:34:06 > 0:34:08considering both his daughters married Taigs.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11Got to be the worst man ever in history of the Orange Order!
0:34:13 > 0:34:17I keep saying to Eddie, they're going to call you in. "Here, Edmund.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18"Come you here, son.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20"One daughter is a mistake,
0:34:20 > 0:34:22"two - you're taking the piss, Eddie, taking the piss.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24"Have you read the rules, Edmund?"
0:34:26 > 0:34:30So we got married and I was 40 and I could see her looking at me.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32You know, in that Protestant way.
0:34:34 > 0:34:35You could see her thinking,
0:34:35 > 0:34:37"I'd better knock one out of this oul' biff
0:34:37 > 0:34:39"while he's still got life in him."
0:34:39 > 0:34:43So, we started trying to have a family. I liked that bit!
0:34:46 > 0:34:49(Nothing happened!)
0:34:49 > 0:34:51(Nothing happened!)
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Now...
0:34:53 > 0:34:58you have til be sensitive with a woman in that situation.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01I am from North Belfast. I know how til be sensitive with
0:35:01 > 0:35:03a woman in that situation.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04I said to my wife,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07"There's nothing wrong with me, love, I don't know what's wrong with you!
0:35:07 > 0:35:09"You'd better go get your tubes cleaned out
0:35:09 > 0:35:12"because there's nothing wrong with this lad here, I tell ye."
0:35:14 > 0:35:17She made me...
0:35:17 > 0:35:20go to the fertility clinic.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21Me!
0:35:21 > 0:35:25Doctor taking the notes, looking at me. 45.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27HE MUMBLES
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Reached into his desk, reached into his desk.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35"Now, Mr O'Kane...
0:35:35 > 0:35:38"could you possibly give me a sample in that, please?"
0:35:38 > 0:35:41"Knock yourself out, Doctor, take what you need!"
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"No, Mr O'Kane. I need a sample of your sperm."
0:35:44 > 0:35:47I said to the wife, "He's not injecting me down there.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49"He's not injecting me down there. I don't care what you want."
0:35:49 > 0:35:53"No, Mr O'Kane, if you could just masturbate into that."
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Hands up in the audience...
0:35:59 > 0:36:03Now look to your left and your right, I don't care what age they are
0:36:03 > 0:36:07or sex they are. They've been fiddling it sometime.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09But we don't talk about it!
0:36:09 > 0:36:13It's a quiet, little dirty secret thing we do! Here I am...
0:36:13 > 0:36:15You're not sitting at Christmas dinner going,
0:36:15 > 0:36:18"Excuse me I'm just calling for a fiddle. Back in 10." You don't talk about it.
0:36:19 > 0:36:24Here I am sent down the longest corridor in the RVH hospital.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28The longest walk of my life and I know the doors are open
0:36:28 > 0:36:30and nurses and doctors are in there going...
0:36:30 > 0:36:32EVIL LAUGHTER
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Then it hits me.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Something you have never had to think about before in your life.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41How long should I take?
0:36:43 > 0:36:47How long is a decent amount of time for an act of indecency?
0:36:49 > 0:36:53You don't want them sending you in sandwiches.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58But you don't want to be so quick in case they think that's what
0:36:58 > 0:37:01your problem is. Eight minutes.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Eight minutes, I said. Out I go.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06I hand to the technician and says, "Don't you drop that, son."
0:37:09 > 0:37:11We didn't have to wait for those results.
0:37:11 > 0:37:17Because she fell pregnant naturally. For badness!
0:37:21 > 0:37:22After all she put me through!
0:37:25 > 0:37:27It was horrible.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Horrible. Because I knew there was nothing wrong.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34I knew there was nothing wrong. I knew what was happening.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37They've crossed sheep with goats.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40They've crossed horses with mules.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43This is the first time in human history a Proddy Prod Prod
0:37:43 > 0:37:47has ever tried to mate with a Papish Papish!
0:37:47 > 0:37:51I knew my wee sperm would do their bit. Come on, lads, come on.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Seamie, Sean, come on.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01But they were getting up there and hitting on that big Prod egg.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03That big Prod egg just sitting there..
0:38:03 > 0:38:07"In your dreams. Get away from about me!
0:38:07 > 0:38:10"Get away, you dirty Fenian! Get away!
0:38:11 > 0:38:13"Ginger! Get away from me!"
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Because that's all she was worried about. That is all.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24All I wanted was a ginger.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26We're dying out.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30Sod the pandas! Shag a ginger. We're dying out!
0:38:30 > 0:38:34She was terrified, genuinely terrified.
0:38:34 > 0:38:40We're in the delivery suite of the Royal Victoria Hospital.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43My beautiful son has just been born.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47The midwife takes him over to that little table
0:38:47 > 0:38:51where they check them and clean them. I'm proud daddy.
0:38:51 > 0:38:56I am filming all this. My boy.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00My wife is off her tits on gas and air.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03She's on another planet. She's gone.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Takes the mask off, not how many fingers,
0:39:06 > 0:39:11not how many toes... first question, "Is it a ginger?"
0:39:19 > 0:39:23To which the midwife replies,
0:39:23 > 0:39:25"No, he's perfect."
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Derry! Thank you! Good night!
0:39:29 > 0:39:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:36 > 0:39:40What about it? Come on, Jake O'Kane!
0:39:40 > 0:39:42CHEERING
0:39:45 > 0:39:48It's time now to welcome... I know you're going to love her,
0:39:48 > 0:39:50please give her a huge Derry welcome.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54It's Micky's Ma, aka Nuala McKeever!
0:39:55 > 0:39:59Micky! Micky!
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Here, have any of yous seen my Micky?
0:40:06 > 0:40:09I swear to God that wee lad has my head turned.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11I went and brung him up here the night,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14for to show him a bit of culture and he's ran off already.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17The last I seen of him he was muttering something about
0:40:17 > 0:40:19how he was going to see what goes faster,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21his quad bike or Paddy Kielty's car.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Here, would yous believe it?
0:40:25 > 0:40:30This is the very first time I've ever been up here in Derry-Londonderry,
0:40:30 > 0:40:33legend-Derry, Stroke City, Foyle the Maiden City, the north-west.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Jesus, by the time I told the wee man in the bus
0:40:35 > 0:40:39station in Belfast where I wanted to go, the bus had friggin left.
0:40:40 > 0:40:45Could yous just pick one name and stick to it, for God's sake?
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Me an me chum, we fancied something a bit different,
0:40:47 > 0:40:48you know, a wee bit different.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51And I have to say, the fellas up here, yous are different already.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Say hello to a fella here, he goes, "Yes?"
0:40:54 > 0:40:58What are you sweating? I never asked you nothing, I was only saying hello.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00But my chum she's went a wee bit funny,
0:41:00 > 0:41:04so she has, she's started doing this night class, you know, at the Tech?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Aye - self esteem.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08Not sure exactly what it is but I think it's wee bit
0:41:08 > 0:41:12like Weight Watchers, only for people can't be arsed dieting no more.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Can see there's a few of them in here the night.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Just accept you're going to be a fat cow for the rest of your life
0:41:19 > 0:41:21and make the best of it.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26Aye, my chum is a wee bit on the heavy side, I have to say,
0:41:26 > 0:41:29but she's always finding something else to blame for it, it's never her.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31First of all it was her hormones.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33She was blaming it on the HRT, which was fair enough,
0:41:33 > 0:41:36cos every time she took one of her tablets, she had to have a cup of
0:41:36 > 0:41:40tea and half a barn brick with butter on to help her swallay it.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43And then the next thing it was all stress.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Here's my wise-up, the only thing under stress in your house
0:41:46 > 0:41:48is your TV from you lying on it all day.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52My chum got me all excited last week, she says,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54"Come on, we're heading down the community centre,
0:41:54 > 0:41:57"Thursday morning for free medication."
0:41:57 > 0:41:58Happy days.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00Turns out, I heard her wrong.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03Wasn't free medication, it was free meditation! Jesus!
0:42:03 > 0:42:06I turns up expecting drugs, all it was was a fella with a bald
0:42:06 > 0:42:08head telling me to sit there and let my mind go blank.
0:42:08 > 0:42:12I said, "Flip's sake. If I wanted to do that, I could have stayed in the house
0:42:12 > 0:42:14"and listened to Sean Coyle on the radio."
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Did yous have the flags up here?
0:42:23 > 0:42:26Ah, here, in Belfast it was a picture, so it was.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29The roads, they were like this fella I used to go out with -
0:42:29 > 0:42:30blocked by teatime every night.
0:42:33 > 0:42:34Come to think of it, he was like the flag -
0:42:34 > 0:42:37he was only able to get it up a few times a year!
0:42:45 > 0:42:48Here, when I have to go home, get my Micky up early for school
0:42:48 > 0:42:50in the morning, the headmaster's always giving me a hard time.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52He says, "Your son has to work harder."
0:42:52 > 0:42:55He says, "What kind of job is that wee lad going to get
0:42:55 > 0:42:58"if he leaves school with no qualifications?"
0:42:58 > 0:43:00I'm like, just off the top of my head, I'm like,
0:43:00 > 0:43:02"Deputy First Minister."
0:43:03 > 0:43:06LAUGHTER
0:43:10 > 0:43:13But here, I may go on.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16I can only wish yous a very merry, legend-Derry Christmas.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18And if you see my Micky...
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Watch your backs! Micky!
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Micky!
0:43:23 > 0:43:25APPLAUSE
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Come on - Nuala McKeever!
0:43:29 > 0:43:30CHEERING
0:43:32 > 0:43:34OK.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40OK, next up is a comedian who is the host of The Blame Game,
0:43:40 > 0:43:43the hit comedy show based on that old Northern Ireland
0:43:43 > 0:43:47tradition of every week rounding up the same four men
0:43:47 > 0:43:49and bringing them in for questioning.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51LAUGHTER
0:43:51 > 0:43:54Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together
0:43:54 > 0:43:56and welcome Mr Tim McGarry!
0:44:07 > 0:44:08Good evening!
0:44:09 > 0:44:10I have a theory.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13My theory is that the people of Derry have the best
0:44:13 > 0:44:14sense of humour in the country.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17CHEERING
0:44:17 > 0:44:19I want to test that theory.
0:44:21 > 0:44:24Many Derry women does it take to change a light bulb?
0:44:24 > 0:44:26None, they form a support group to cope with the dark.
0:44:26 > 0:44:28LAUGHTER
0:44:38 > 0:44:40How many Derry men does it take to change a light bulb?
0:44:40 > 0:44:43None, they get their mammies to do it for them!
0:44:43 > 0:44:44CHEERING
0:44:47 > 0:44:50How do you know if you're on a plane full of Derry people?
0:44:50 > 0:44:53Both engines fail, you can still hear whining.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55LAUGHTER
0:45:00 > 0:45:03Think you've done brilliant with the year of culture...
0:45:03 > 0:45:06450,000 people in Derry, 20 arrests!
0:45:08 > 0:45:11There were only 20 arrests and I know how you did that.
0:45:11 > 0:45:15You basically got the Peelers pissed as well, didn't you?
0:45:16 > 0:45:18Everybody has come to the UK City Of Culture.
0:45:18 > 0:45:22The only person who hasn't come to the UK City Of Culture this year
0:45:22 > 0:45:24is the UK Minister For Culture!
0:45:25 > 0:45:27Maria Miller couldn't make it.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30I can see you're gutted.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34We've all made bad excuses about why we can't go to something.
0:45:34 > 0:45:38She had 365 days and she couldn't make it.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41She must have been running out of excuses, that woman!
0:45:41 > 0:45:46"I can't come tonight because, eh, I'm allergic to Dana.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50"I hear All Kinds Of Everything, it brings me out in a rash."
0:45:50 > 0:45:53I'm missing Derry cos Derry's fantastic.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56I love the Tower Museum, the Tower Museum is superb.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58Love the Tower Museum. And I love the way...
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Cos you're a wee bit insular, be honest.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03You think Derry is the centre of the universe. Fine, that's all right.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06In the Tower Museum they have exhibits and under each one it tells you
0:46:06 > 0:46:09what's happening in the world at a certain period of time.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12And then, what's happening in Derry at the same time,
0:46:12 > 0:46:15cos that's just as important, isn't it?
0:46:15 > 0:46:17You'll get an exhibit on 1100AD. The world -
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Roman empire falls.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22Derry - man in Ship Quay Street falls.
0:46:25 > 0:46:271963, the world - Cuban missile crisis -
0:46:27 > 0:46:29world on the brink of nuclear annihilation.
0:46:29 > 0:46:32Derry - Phil Coulter writes Puppet On A String.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38I'm a big fan of John Hume.
0:46:38 > 0:46:41John Hume's brilliant for two reasons, brilliant man in many ways,
0:46:41 > 0:46:44but there's two things that I really respect John Hume for.
0:46:44 > 0:46:47First one is, of course, 1998, he won the Nobel Peace Prize -
0:46:47 > 0:46:49him and David Trimble, they won it together in 1998.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51And when they won the award they had to come out
0:46:51 > 0:46:55and face a barrage of photographers and journalists and stuff,
0:46:55 > 0:46:58and the first question was, "What are you going to do with the money?"
0:46:58 > 0:47:01A lot of money, a quarter of a million quid when you win you win the Nobel Peace Prize.
0:47:01 > 0:47:05John and David were standing there, first question, "What are you going to do with the money?"
0:47:05 > 0:47:09John Hume says, "I've already decided, I'm giving half
0:47:09 > 0:47:12"the money to a good catholic charity, the St Vincent De Paul,
0:47:12 > 0:47:17and I'm giving the rest to a good protestant charity, the Salvation Army.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19And David Trimble went...
0:47:19 > 0:47:22MOUTHS: "Oh, for fucks sake!
0:47:24 > 0:47:26"Fuck!
0:47:31 > 0:47:34"I had my eye on a Lamborghini."
0:47:36 > 0:47:38And the second brilliant thing, is he started
0:47:38 > 0:47:41the Credit Union movement here in Derry, which is very important.
0:47:41 > 0:47:42Credit unions are very, very important.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44CHEERING
0:47:44 > 0:47:46Especially in times like this.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48And if you don't know what a credit union is,
0:47:48 > 0:47:52it's basically like a bank, only it's not run by complete bastards!
0:47:54 > 0:47:58Or not run by drug-taking, rent-boy-using Methodist ministers,
0:47:58 > 0:48:00who know nothing about banking!
0:48:05 > 0:48:08I don't like golf. I'm not a golf fan. I hate golf.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11I am to golf what Johnny Adair is to house prices in Troon.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18I am to golf what Steven Nolan is to salads.
0:48:21 > 0:48:22So I don't like golf!
0:48:22 > 0:48:24And there's a big fuss about a golf course in Runkerry,
0:48:24 > 0:48:27they want the new golf course beside the Giant's Causeway.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29Some people are saying it'll ruin the Giant's Causeway,
0:48:29 > 0:48:31some people are saying, it's a mile away - wise up.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34I'm against the new golf course at Runkerry.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36Nothing to do with golf,
0:48:36 > 0:48:39I just think the last thing this country needs
0:48:39 > 0:48:40is another 18 flags!
0:48:40 > 0:48:42LAUGHTER
0:48:46 > 0:48:49I don't care how small they are - we can do without them.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51I have a brother in law in England and I had to explain the flags,
0:48:51 > 0:48:54cos he had no idea what the flags thing was about
0:48:54 > 0:48:56and I had to why the flag at City Hall was important.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59I said, "Look, the flag at Belfast City Hall, it's a
0:48:59 > 0:49:03"bit like my sex life with the wife.
0:49:03 > 0:49:06"Basically, I would like to see it every day."
0:49:09 > 0:49:13My wife's position is, "It should be removed completely."
0:49:17 > 0:49:22Luckily my brother's in the Alliance Party and he suggested a compromise.
0:49:23 > 0:49:25Designated days!
0:49:27 > 0:49:31So Derry, if I seem just a little bit tense tonight, it's simply
0:49:31 > 0:49:35because its another six bloody weeks till Prince Philip's birthday!
0:49:38 > 0:49:42Ladies and gentleman, it's been a pleasure talking to you. I'm Tim McGarry.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44Enjoy the rest of your evening. Thank you very much.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46CHEERING
0:49:50 > 0:49:52One more time - Tim McGarry!
0:49:52 > 0:49:54CHEERING
0:49:56 > 0:49:59OK, folks, are you ready for your final act this evening?
0:49:59 > 0:50:01THEY CHEER
0:50:01 > 0:50:05Please, welcome the undisputed king of Northern Ireland comedy,
0:50:05 > 0:50:07now Frank Carson is dead!
0:50:07 > 0:50:08Ladies and gentlemen...
0:50:10 > 0:50:12Roy Walker!
0:50:12 > 0:50:14APPLAUSE
0:50:21 > 0:50:22CHEERING
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Thank you and hello.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30Hello, it's good to be here, ladies and gentlemen.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33I'm not here because I'm any good or anything like that,
0:50:33 > 0:50:37it's just because most people of my age-group in show business
0:50:37 > 0:50:39are either on remand, or locked up.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51Half of Coronation Street are in prison.
0:50:53 > 0:50:56They say the only decent bloke left in there's Hayley.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58LAUGHTER
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Thank you for that lovely welcome.
0:51:10 > 0:51:15Although I do get mistaken for a lot of the other game show hosts,
0:51:15 > 0:51:18in Derry today, a woman said to me, "Hello, Ted.
0:51:21 > 0:51:22"Love your show!"
0:51:22 > 0:51:26I said, "Thank you." I never argue with them.
0:51:26 > 0:51:28I said, "What did you like about it?"
0:51:28 > 0:51:32She said, "Oh, I loved that show.
0:51:32 > 0:51:36"I love it at the end when you say good night to the deaf people."
0:51:47 > 0:51:49Even the taxi driver...
0:51:51 > 0:51:52..on the way here tonight...
0:51:54 > 0:51:58I could feel his eyes burning into my chest...
0:52:00 > 0:52:02..through the rear-view mirror.
0:52:04 > 0:52:05Eventually he spoke.
0:52:08 > 0:52:09"Give Us A Clue, mate."
0:52:15 > 0:52:16I went, "No.
0:52:19 > 0:52:20"Catchphrase."
0:52:22 > 0:52:23He went, "No.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28"Where to, you eejit?!"
0:52:39 > 0:52:44We lived in a little cul-de-sac with a...
0:52:44 > 0:52:47air-raid shelter right in the middle of it.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49Different families, Jewish families,
0:52:49 > 0:52:53Catholics, Protestants, side-by-side.
0:52:54 > 0:52:58People had big families - fella up the street had 13 children.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01God help him, he never knew whether to stick or twist.
0:53:07 > 0:53:11Another fella had 20 - ten boys and ten girls.
0:53:11 > 0:53:15We never knew if he was a good Catholic or a sloppy Protestant.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Mr Cohen lived next door. I liked Mr Cohen, I learned a lot from him.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26I said to him once, "Could I borrow your lawnmower?"
0:53:26 > 0:53:29He said, "Certainly, son, as long as you don't take it out of the garden."
0:53:31 > 0:53:32LAUGHTER
0:53:37 > 0:53:40Mr Cohen never missed a trick. I was diggin' in the garden,
0:53:40 > 0:53:42he said, "Are you putting in potatoes?"
0:53:42 > 0:53:45I said, "No, I'm burying a budgie."
0:53:45 > 0:53:47He said, "It's a big hole for a budgie."
0:53:47 > 0:53:49I said, "It's inside your cat."
0:53:49 > 0:53:51LAUGHTER
0:53:57 > 0:54:00Isn't it amazing the volume of security
0:54:00 > 0:54:03we have to go in this world we live in and the questions they ask you?
0:54:03 > 0:54:07I'm not sure they understand exactly what they're asking you.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09Questions like,
0:54:09 > 0:54:11"Has anybody you don't know...
0:54:14 > 0:54:16"..ever said anything to you?"
0:54:16 > 0:54:17LAUGHTER
0:54:20 > 0:54:22"I don't know anybody I don't know."
0:54:27 > 0:54:31"Has anybody you don't know ever touched your luggage?"
0:54:34 > 0:54:37I said, "You have."
0:54:37 > 0:54:39LAUGHTER
0:54:41 > 0:54:45"Has anybody you don't know ever given you anything?"
0:54:47 > 0:54:49"Well, I was in the Navy!"
0:54:55 > 0:54:58There was an American lady behind me and she heard my accent.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01She said, "Are you Irish?"
0:55:01 > 0:55:03I said, "Yes."
0:55:03 > 0:55:04She said, "Gee...
0:55:07 > 0:55:09"..we just love your waterproof crystal."
0:55:21 > 0:55:24And she realised what she'd said.
0:55:25 > 0:55:26"Oh, my God.
0:55:28 > 0:55:29"Oh, my God!
0:55:31 > 0:55:32"I've made a faux pas."
0:55:36 > 0:55:37"A faux pas?"
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Little fella from Derry behind, he said,
0:55:42 > 0:55:47"Don't worry about it, love, I do it all the time myself.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53"Only this morning, at breakfast,
0:55:53 > 0:55:57"I was thinking of saying to my wife, "pass the marmalade."
0:56:00 > 0:56:01"Instead, I said...
0:56:07 > 0:56:08"Do you know...
0:56:12 > 0:56:13"You've ruined my life."
0:56:33 > 0:56:35You're a nice crowd.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40It's a great pleasure being here.
0:56:40 > 0:56:45It's 50 years since I was here, believe it or not.
0:56:45 > 0:56:4650 years.
0:56:48 > 0:56:49Things were different then.
0:56:51 > 0:56:55My career started in a talent competition in the Palace Cinema.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57Anybody remember that?
0:56:57 > 0:56:58SOME PEOPLE SHOUT YES
0:56:58 > 0:57:00Yeah.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04I was wearing my winkle picker shoes.
0:57:06 > 0:57:07One size fits all.
0:57:10 > 0:57:12Stick a couple of pages of the Journal down the toes.
0:57:16 > 0:57:18I was wearing my Peter England shirt...
0:57:20 > 0:57:21..fresh from Tilly's.
0:57:23 > 0:57:25My wife was an examiner.
0:57:25 > 0:57:27She said, "It was a second."
0:57:30 > 0:57:32I said, "How do you know it was a second?"
0:57:32 > 0:57:37She said, "One sleeve is longer than the other two."
0:57:50 > 0:57:53Been a lovely crowd tonight. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:57:53 > 0:57:55Thank you!
0:58:03 > 0:58:05CHEERING
0:58:11 > 0:58:14Legend at work. Come on, give it up for Mr Roy Walker!
0:58:14 > 0:58:17CHEERING
0:58:17 > 0:58:18There he is!
0:58:21 > 0:58:23CHEERING
0:58:30 > 0:58:32Oh!
0:58:32 > 0:58:34Keep your applause going,
0:58:34 > 0:58:36let's hear it for all the acts you've seen tonight.
0:58:36 > 0:58:39Come on. Yes!
0:58:39 > 0:58:41What a line-up!
0:58:43 > 0:58:46Have yourself a great Christmas, folks. I'm Patrick Kielty.
0:58:46 > 0:58:49Thank you very much. Goodnight. Thank you. Cheers.
0:58:49 > 0:58:52Wahey!