0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:11Good evening. I'm Michael White, Jack's dad.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15I've been asked to make one or two announcements about this show,
0:00:15 > 0:00:16so SIT DOWN!
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Jack attracts the most terrible load of riff-raff, doesn't he?
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Mobile phones, all off. My wife gave me a mobile phone recently.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31It's absolutely outrageous. It goes off all the time.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34We go to the theatre, it goes off. I don't know how to switch it off.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36She doesn't know how to switch it off.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40So, shut them down now and no flash photography, please.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42No flash photography.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45We don't want you downing your loads onto some Twatbook
0:00:45 > 0:00:48or whatever it is because that's not permitted.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I've also been told to warn you that there will be a lot of bad
0:00:51 > 0:00:54language in this show which is very depressing
0:00:54 > 0:00:58because I always say to Jack, the more bad language he uses,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01the more it makes him sound like a complete wanker.
0:01:02 > 0:01:08There are also, as you would expect, adult themes of sex,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12all that sort of stuff, which again is so classic of Jack. You know?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15That's his audience, slags basically.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Anyway, when the show gets to its interval,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22which I'm sure many of you will be looking forward to,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24don't leave it too late to get to the bar
0:01:24 > 0:01:26because there will be chaos out there.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31So rush there, and don't go anywhere near the wine, which is ghastly.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Go for the gin and tonics, vodkas, that kind of stuff.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39So enjoy the show. That's the end of my contribution.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And buy the DVD if you haven't already bought it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47But why you could conceivably think it was worth buying, I cannot think,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51when there are so many good really good DVDs out there on the market.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I mean, you could buy the new re-release of Colditz, you could
0:01:54 > 0:01:56go for The Forsyte Saga
0:01:56 > 0:02:00or World At War, I see, has come out again on DVD.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04The Onedin Line, with my dear friend, Anne Stallybrass.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Andrew Marr's new series about the Canals of Britain.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13The original Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, which was, I tell you,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16a hell of a lot better than the current one.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17The Duchess of Duke Street...
0:02:21 > 0:02:22To The Manor Born,
0:02:22 > 0:02:26you could get that on DVD, with Penelope Keith and Peter Bowles.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Now, there's a comedian for you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And of course, anything with Nigel Havers.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Horseman Riding By, the Cook Report, there's another show that...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Fantastic.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44APPLAUSE
0:02:46 > 0:02:49He's sold no albums.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51He's not had a number one
0:02:51 > 0:02:54and he's got a tiny little penis.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58It's Jack Whitehall!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02# Welcome to the Jungle
0:03:02 > 0:03:04# We got fun and games
0:03:04 > 0:03:06# We got everything you want
0:03:06 > 0:03:08# Honey, we know the names
0:03:08 > 0:03:10# We are the people that can find
0:03:10 > 0:03:11# Whatever you may need
0:03:11 > 0:03:13# If you got the money, honey
0:03:13 > 0:03:16# We got your disease
0:03:16 > 0:03:17# In the jungle
0:03:17 > 0:03:18# Welcome to the jungle
0:03:18 > 0:03:22# Watch it bring you to your sha-kn-kn-knees, knees
0:03:24 > 0:03:27# I wanna watch you bleed
0:03:27 > 0:03:29# Welcome to the jungle
0:03:29 > 0:03:31# We take it day by day
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# If you want it you're gonna bleed
0:03:33 > 0:03:35# But it's the price you pay
0:03:35 > 0:03:36# And you're a very sexy girl
0:03:36 > 0:03:38# Who's very hard to please
0:03:38 > 0:03:40# You can taste the bright lights
0:03:40 > 0:03:42# But you won't get them for free
0:03:42 > 0:03:44# In the jungle
0:03:44 > 0:03:45# Welcome to the jungle
0:03:45 > 0:03:47# Feel my, my... #
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I saw Al Murray do that at the beginning of his DVD
0:03:50 > 0:03:52and he made it look a lot easier.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Ladies and gentlemen,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58good evening and welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Ladies and gentlemen,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06thank you so much for coming to Hammersmith in London.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08My ends, oh, yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Have we got anyone in from Hammersmith? Give me a cheer.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Yeah, a couple of you. I love Hammersmith.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Hammersmith is a great place. Great place to go out on a night out.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Hammersmith Palais,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19one of my favourite nightclubs back in the day.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22That's where the after party is tonight.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26The only club in the country that makes Tiger Tiger look classy.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Anyone been to Hammersmith Palais? Of course he has, look at him.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31He looks like a regular.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35You look like you could spike a drink just by looking at it, mate.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I love it. Great drinks offers there as well.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42You buy two Jagerbombs, you get the morning after pill free. Class.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45So, let's find out about this beautiful audience that we have in tonight.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48All the ladies, can you make some noise?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49CHEERING
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Woo!- Oh, lovely. Guys, give me a grr.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- ALL MEN:- Grrr!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh, yeah. Yeah, we've got some guys in, some proper men.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Look at this fella in the front row.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Had to sit right down the front
0:05:00 > 0:05:04just to accommodate the sheer size of your bollocks.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"Bought two tickets for tonight, one for me and one for the twins."
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- What's your name, fella? You there.- Darren.- Darren, yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Proper man's name.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I bet your dad named you that whilst he was pushing a plough
0:05:16 > 0:05:18through a field with his dick. Nice.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Have you got a man's trade, Darren? What do you do?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I work in a factory, lifting.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27You work in a factory, lifting shit! Oh, yes!
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Darren, you've not let me down. And you're wearing a suit.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34You've got a shaved head but you're still rocking the suit.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38You look like a footballer on his way to court up on rape allegations.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I like it. A real man.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I would love to be like you, a real man, cos I love men...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45That came out wrong.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48No, I'd love to be like you, a real man, like Darren.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50And my man here, lumberjack shirt, three buttons undone,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52the chest is bursting out.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Real man like you, I'd love to be like you. A real man like you.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Because it's hard for us, isn't it, sir?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Camp men like ourselves, we get it tough.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You wouldn't know where to start with bleeding a radiator
0:06:05 > 0:06:08but I bet you make an incredible bechamel sauce. Am I right? Yeah.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Stick a bay leaf in, I know your tricks.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13So, I'm excited that all of the men
0:06:13 > 0:06:17and all of the ladies are here tonight because this is my show.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I've been touring it all around the country. I went to Bristol.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25That was the last stop on my tour. I went to the West Country.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I love the West Country. Yeah, anyone in from the West Country? Nice. Great.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Very laid-back pace of life there in the West Country.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Very different to London.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I had a bit of trouble getting down there, truth be told.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I was on the train, on my way to Bristol.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39The train went through this place called Bedwin.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Not many of you will know Bedwin.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Bedwin is a tiny little rural village
0:06:43 > 0:06:45right in the middle of Wiltshire.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47The only time you might have heard of Bedwin
0:06:47 > 0:06:49is it was once on an episode of Time Team.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Really good dig, actually.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I watched it. In one of the trenches,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Baldrick, right, he found the remains of a woman that had been
0:06:55 > 0:06:58burnt as a witch... last March.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00It's really backward.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04So I'm in a little place, little Bedwin, on the train.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07All of a sudden, the train stops and the PA system comes on.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08It's the conductor.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11He's like, "Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately,
0:07:11 > 0:07:15"this train is now being evacuated due to a terror alert."
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I beg your pardon! We're in Bedwin.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26I suspect Al-Qaeda might have slightly higher priorities
0:07:26 > 0:07:30on their hit list than rural Wiltshire.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Also, I thought terrorism, that's done. We've dealt with that now.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36It's not an issue any more. I watch the news. I listen to it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38There was a guy on the news recently,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41an expert, and he genuinely said that apparently,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45obesity is now a bigger threat to this country than Al-Qaeda.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I thought, it's definitely not.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51What would you rather have sat opposite you
0:07:51 > 0:07:54on the tube on the way home tonight?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Some mental guy with a beard and a hundred-yard stare with a backpack full of Semtex
0:07:58 > 0:08:02or just a jolly little fat kid with a backpack full of Quavers?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I get confused when I see it. I went onto the plane recently
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and they were still trying to take away my toiletries.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I mean, what is that is about? I was like, "Madam, have you not seen the news?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15"Mr Bin Laden has been shot and dumped at sea.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"The War on Terror is won.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"There are now far more pressing issues at hand
0:08:19 > 0:08:23"like the war on dry skin. This exfoliator is coming on, bitch."
0:08:23 > 0:08:27You know what I'm talking about, eh? Clarins, the natural glow.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30She didn't let me onto the plane.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33So, we're carted out we're at Bedwin station.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36We get carted out onto the station platform. It's freezing cold.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It's a Sunday night as well, to add insult to injury,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42so we're all there, feeling pretty depressed, tutting away.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"Sunday night, I'm going to miss the X factor results show.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"This is so shit."
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Not me, Darren. I was going to go home and watch something manly.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Turning on Bravo.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Danny Dyer's Top Ten Ways To Kick A Dog.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Yeah, naughty.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02So, I'm there stood on the platform. I'm next to this big, posh guy as well.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04This is the worst thing that's ever happened to him.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08He's having like a tut fit. "It's absolutely outrageous. This country's gone to the dogs."
0:09:08 > 0:09:11And I'm stood there, right, and the guy from National Rail comes
0:09:11 > 0:09:13out to address the assembled crowd and I could tell
0:09:13 > 0:09:15that he was excited. This was his big moment.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19He had worked at Bedwin station for his entire life. He was pumped.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22He walks out and he's trying to sound intimidating as well,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25which simply doesn't work if you've got a West Country accent.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27If you want proof of this,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30watch that docu-drama they had on Fred West on ITV.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It documented the life of one of the most evil serial killers
0:09:33 > 0:09:35this country has ever seen, but at no point were you ever scared
0:09:35 > 0:09:37because of his voice.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"What did you do with her next, Mr West?"
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: - "I chopped her up and I put her in a bin liner."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"What are you like?"
0:09:45 > 0:09:47So out he comes, Mr National Rail.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49He's ready for his moment. He clears his throat.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52He's like, "Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56"all of the trains from the station will now be delayed
0:09:56 > 0:10:00"because I have personally spotted on Platform Two...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"..a suspicious package."
0:10:04 > 0:10:07To which the massive posh guy next to me shouts back at him,
0:10:07 > 0:10:11"Well, put it on the train to Swindon and we can all fuck off home."
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I got there in the end. I got to Bristol in the end.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Bristol's a very cool place.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I went to a farmers' market in Bristol, but like a proper
0:10:22 > 0:10:25farmers' market, not like the farmers' markets you get in London.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28There's a farmers' market in Highgate I went to recently,
0:10:28 > 0:10:29not a real farmers' market.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33There's a woman called Arraminta who has a cheese stall. You go up,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"What would you care for today, sir?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"I have this goats' cheese from the scorched valleys of Tuscany
0:10:38 > 0:10:42"or maybe you would prefer this Gruyere from the Alpine peaks."
0:10:42 > 0:10:43I picked up a bit of cheese
0:10:43 > 0:10:46at the Fish Ponds farmers' market in Bristol.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I asked the man where it was from. He went, "A FARM!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:53That's a farmers' market.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58That's not to say Bristol is a place that is not impervious to
0:10:58 > 0:11:01a little bit of pretentiousness because Bristol, as we all know,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04is the home of one of the worst breed of girls you will ever find,
0:11:04 > 0:11:05because it has Bristol University,
0:11:05 > 0:11:09and that girl is the Lesser Spotted Did I Tell You About My Gap Year?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I've been trapped by them a couple of times,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17these girls that go off travelling in their year out
0:11:17 > 0:11:19and the only reason they've done it
0:11:19 > 0:11:21is so they can shove it down your fucking throats.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24You go to the pub with them. "Oh, my God, where to start?"
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"Preferably near the end."
0:11:26 > 0:11:27"It was amazing.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31"Me and my friend, Visciri, who's ethnic by the way, did I mention?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"And Cassandra, who didn't get into Leeds so she went to Liverpool
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"which means she's so good with foreign languages now.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38"We just tottered around Tibet
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"smoking the most amazing Thai grass and felching lepers
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"and we found the most wonderful little monastery
0:11:43 > 0:11:47"on the foot of Mount Hiccha Piccha Naccha Focacia Arto.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52"And we stayed there for weeks just helping the orphans."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I just think, "Haven't the orphans suffered enough?"
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I'm not having a go at charity work, though, I'm not.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03APPLAUSE
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Look, I actually did some charity work when I left my school.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Like, I don't want to show off, but it was pretty amazing what I did, you know?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Just a couple of weeks' volunteer work in a special needs school
0:12:14 > 0:12:17for children, just playing games with them, football, tennis,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20and it does actually make you feel good inside...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22because you always win.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27They're shit.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31So that was the West Country. I went to the West Country.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Where else did I...? I went to Scotland. I went to Glasgow.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Have we got any Glaswegians in?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Two? Well, that's enough for a fight.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I love Glasgow. Glasgow's a great place. Quite a tough city though.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Glasgow's the only place I've ever been where you see toddlers walking
0:12:46 > 0:12:50around with muzzles on so they don't rip off Rottweilers' faces.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54But I arrived in Glasgow and I decided what I needed, when I was in
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Glasgow, was to go out and start my day by getting a proper breakfast.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I needed some energy, some food inside me.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04So I set off into the centre of Glasgow and I found myself
0:13:04 > 0:13:08a classic, sort of traditional greasy spoon Scottish cafe.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09I walked in.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13There was a dour looking Scottish waiter staring at me,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16wishing that I was dead with every fibre of his being.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I sat down and I ordered myself a big,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23big bowl of Bircher muesli with all the fruits.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And I took out my laptop and I started typing away,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29just having a... Yeah, that's how I type.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32It's a pedal-assisted laptop, and I was there...
0:13:33 > 0:13:37..typing away, on my laptop and then I made the fatal error,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40right, of asking my new-found Scottish chum, the waiter,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42whether he had any Wi-Fi access.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45To which he looked at me as if to say,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48"I haven't even got access to my fucking kids."
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I was like, "Oh, God."
0:13:51 > 0:13:54So at this point, I wasn't feeling particularly well loved.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57And then, thank God, the best thing that could possibly
0:13:57 > 0:14:00happen in this situation then occurred.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02An American couple walked in.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07And all of a sudden I was no longer public enemy number one.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11As soon as this woman waddled in the shop,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14"Hey, Maury, come in here. They're definitely going to have waffles."
0:14:14 > 0:14:16The waiter, he's clocked them. He's having
0:14:16 > 0:14:19a xenophobic stroke in the corner. "Yankee doodle fucking bitch.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"She's as welcome in here as a bowl of couscous.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"I'm going to take a shit in her omelette."
0:14:24 > 0:14:28She sits down. She's eating loudly. She's slurping on her coffee.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30She gets the end of her coffee. She slams it down
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and starts clicking at the waiter.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I'm like, "This shit's going to get messy".
0:14:35 > 0:14:39She's like, "Sir, sir, sir. Come over here. I've finished my coffee.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"I will now have my free refill of coffee."
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Oh, dear.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48He did not like that.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52He looked at her like she had just ordered dead baby soup or
0:14:52 > 0:14:55something without batter.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58He couldn't even formulate a response.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01He wanted to say something but no sentences came out of his mouth.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04After a minute of just aching and squealing, eventually,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07he managed to shit out just a, "NO!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:10She, cool as a cucumber, goes,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14"Sir, I'm going to give you a little reality check here. OK?
0:15:14 > 0:15:19"In America, if you order a coffee, we give you a free refill."
0:15:19 > 0:15:22In front of everyone he looks her dead in the eye and he goes, "Love,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"in Glasgow, we don't give a fuck."
0:15:27 > 0:15:30People were applauding him, patting him on the back.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32There was a guy in the corner of the cafe in a wheelchair that
0:15:32 > 0:15:36stood up to shout, "Freedom!" as she waddled out of the cafe.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:40 > 0:15:41That's the thing.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44There are some things that I don't think will ever make
0:15:44 > 0:15:45the cultural crossover.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47We're similar to Americans in many ways
0:15:47 > 0:15:49but some things they will never get.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Like customer service, for example. They love that in America.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55We will never have that in the UK.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58We don't do customer service. I think that should be celebrated.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I do not like customer service. I think it's an ugly thing.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I like going into a shop anywhere in this country
0:16:04 > 0:16:07and knowing exactly where I stand.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Knowing that I'm a piece of shit.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Phone shopping, for example. Phone shopping here is so easy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17You walk into the Carphone Warehouse. You know the drill.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You're going to get ignored for days.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22There'll be a corpse at the counter where some elderly man has
0:16:22 > 0:16:26gone in and tried to upgrade without his wife there to help.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Even when you do get assistance,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30it'll be from some patronising little teenager in a suit that's
0:16:30 > 0:16:31constantly ak-sing you,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"How many minutes you talking in a month, bruv?"
0:16:34 > 0:16:35I don't know.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40But when you leave the shop, you feel like you've earned your phone.
0:16:41 > 0:16:47I had to go to the Apple Store recently in New York. Oh, my God.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Before you even have your foot in the threshold of the door,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54there's some wank-tub with a fringe in your face. "Hey, buddy.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58"My name's Drew. How's your day been going, hombre?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59"What brings you to the Apple Store?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:02"I'm here to buy a phone not make a friend. Fuck off!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:07They applaud the first customer in of the day.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09The Apple store in New York, they stand around clapping
0:17:09 > 0:17:11as he walks into the shop. "Woo, we love you man!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"Customer number one! You rock!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Can you imagine getting away with that behaviour at a UK phone shop?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21At my local T-Mobile, the only customer that's getting
0:17:21 > 0:17:23applauded there is the last one out of the door.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24"Thank fuck you've gone.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27"We're going down the pub, you BlackBerry wanker!"
0:17:31 > 0:17:35It works both ways as well. I had to get a train when I was in America.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I got on to the platform and on the platform they had a poster.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41On this poster was one of the American rail employees.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45She was this woman, she was all made up. Her eyes were all full of hope.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47She had a smile on her face.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Underneath it, a little slogan.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53"Hey, you got enough snacks for the journey? Enjoy your trip!"
0:17:53 > 0:17:55HE RETCHES
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Compare that to the posters you get on every station platform
0:18:00 > 0:18:02up and down this great country. What do you get?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06You get a picture of a National Rail employee with a massive
0:18:06 > 0:18:09black eye and underneath it, "Please don't hit our staff."
0:18:13 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:20 > 0:18:21APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I'm depressed as well that I even have to go to the Apple Store.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I never wanted that for my life. I was perfectly content before.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I was a non-iPhone user and I was happy.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35But like all non-iPhone users, eventually I gave in.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I listened to them. I gave in to the iPhone Nazis.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41These people that force you to get it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43They make you buy it and they lie to you
0:18:43 > 0:18:45They don't tell you about the bad shit.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46They only tell you about the good things.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49They don't say, "Yeah, this phone is amazing
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"but unfortunately it has a battery life of 20 seconds."
0:18:52 > 0:18:54"It's a smartphone. You need to get a smartphone."
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Fuck a smartphone. Do you know what I wish I still had?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59A dumb-phone. That's what I like.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00A phone where I knew where I stood.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04You know the phone I wish I still had? The Nokia 3310!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:08That was a phone.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Fuck the iPhone with all of its apps and its maps and its GPS shit.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15The 3310 gave a man all he needed.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Stopwatch, calculator and Snake. Fuck anything else.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:20 > 0:19:23There was no pretension with it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25The most pretentious the 3310 got
0:19:25 > 0:19:28is when it upgraded itself to the 3330.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32The only thing they added to that model was a currency converter
0:19:32 > 0:19:34on a phone that didn't even work abroad.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38And no pretension as well.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40No pretension with predictive text messaging.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Predictive text messaging on the 3310 was bliss.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46You tried to type a word into it, that was more than
0:19:46 > 0:19:48five letters long, it would give up.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50It was like it was saying,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"Yeah, you want to use poncey language like that?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"You're on your own, knobhead."
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Not with the iPhone. Where does the iPhone get this vocabulary?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Constantly jumping to conclusions. Nobody fucking talks like that.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05It doesn't matter what you put into the thing. You're like "a-n".
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"Did you mean androgynous?" No! I meant "AND"!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:12 > 0:20:16I realise this is probably looking now like I'm falling down
0:20:16 > 0:20:18on the side of the consumer - that is not the case.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20That is not the case at all.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I'm going to share with you tonight, Hammersmith Apollo,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26I have actually done a little bit of time right on the front line.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31I did four weeks one summer holidays working in Clinton Cards.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35The horror.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Have we got any other survivors in?
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Who else has worked in a shop? Show of hands. Yeah? Front row.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Where did you work?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48- Burton.- Burton? - No, Burton's shoe shop.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Burton's shoe shop? What did you get it confused with initially?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56There's different types of Burton's? It's probably why you didn't
0:20:56 > 0:20:58last very long there.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Have you been drinking? You're an alcoholic. OK.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02The, er...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You were thrown out of the shoe shop, weren't you?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Stole all the shoes.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09What was your worst type of customer to come into Burton's shoe shop?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11The most annoying? Someone like me?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Why someone like me? I have feet. I buy shoes. Why?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Because I'd be picky with the shoes? I'd want something nice, would I?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23What are you rocking down there? You look like a guard in
0:21:23 > 0:21:25a women's prison.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I used to find the worst coming into Clinton Cards,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33the worst customer was the elderly. I hated the elderly coming in.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35They'd always come in at the end of the day.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37They picked their moments
0:21:37 > 0:21:41We had this old woman once. She came in Friday afternoon, 5.55.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"Hello, I need to buy a birthday card for my grandson."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"If you're not out of shop in five minutes, love,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54"the only card he'll require is a condolence card. Make it quick."
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- How did you leave Burton's? Did you walk out?- I was sacked.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- You got sacked? What for? What did you do?- I didn't sell enough...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- You didn't sell enough shoes? - No, products.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- Products?- With the shoes.- With the shoes? There's additional stuff
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- that you have to sell? - Leather cleaner.- Leather cleaner?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Who the fuck buys leather cleaner? They sacked you for that?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20These bastards! Where are they?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Next time there's a riot, we're going to fuck them up.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Sacking you for shit like that. That is so unfair!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Do you know what they got me on? Clinton Cards?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35It's so unfair because there was this stipulation when I signed up
0:22:35 > 0:22:37to the contract that I couldn't do what it did.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40About 5.30 I couldn't be arsed, I wanted to go down the pub.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I used to stand in the doorway, ushering people out of the shop.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47If anyone did try to get by me I'd be like, "Moonpig.com." Try it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I mentioned the riots.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54The riots, for me, those were the people I felt sorry for.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57People having to clean up the shop the following day.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I was trapped in the middle of the riots.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01When it was all kicking off last year,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I was in Manchester when the shit hit the fan. It was amazing.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05I saw some incredible sights.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11I saw a group of youths, in Manchester, trying to loot
0:23:11 > 0:23:13a Lidl.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Now, I'm not an expert looter, I don't do much looting myself,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20but I would imagine that one of the major advantages
0:23:20 > 0:23:24of looting, smashing in the window of a shop and stealing
0:23:24 > 0:23:29their shit, is that there aren't any budgetary restrictions.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Go a little bit more upmarket!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I just wanted to see one of these scallies taking
0:23:34 > 0:23:35a bit of initiative,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38coming round the corner on his BMX with a handful of quail's eggs
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and Prosecco.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"Yeah, this ain't just looting. This is M&S looting."
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I did see, though...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I did see one thing that for me made the whole riots worth it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56A lovely little bit of poetic justice.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58There were these two scallies in Manchester,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00they can't have been more than 14 or 15.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03They'd smashed in the window of the Diesel shop in town.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05They'd stolen loads of clothes.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08They ran past me, stopped at the end of the street and then
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I heard the line that made all of the riots worthwhile.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13This guy picked up this pair of jeans,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16turned to his mate and he went, "Oh, Deano, you knobhead.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"These are all women's."
0:24:22 > 0:24:24But I bought a pair anyway.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30That shows how angry we were as a nation, the riots.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33That's why we are so unpopular. We are, let's face it.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37We're not very popular here in the UK. Look at Europe. Europe hate us.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41I always think that's so unfair. We've done so much shit for Europe.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44We've helped bail out Greece and Ireland, helped put a stop to
0:24:44 > 0:24:46racially-motivated genocide in the Balkans,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49liberated half of Europe from Nazi occupation.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52But do they show us any thanks
0:24:52 > 0:24:54come Eurovision time?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Oh, no, no, no! I get fed up. I love Eurovision, I do.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I think it's brilliant.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Every year we get fucked over by the rest of Europe
0:25:01 > 0:25:03because they say it's political.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"Oh, it's very political, the Eurovision Song Contest."
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Even when we send over the big guns like Blue,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10or Engelbert Humperdinck, it's "Nil points."
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Because it's political.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You know what I've decided? We fight back.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16We get political on their asses.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18The next time the Eurovision Song Contest comes round
0:25:18 > 0:25:20and it's the bit where they give out the points,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24"This year Moldova have decided we will only be sending two points
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"to the UK because we did not agree
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"with the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- HIGH-PITCHED:- "Ooh, very well, Moldova,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34"only sending us two points.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"Well, do you know what we're going to be sending you over, Dov?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40"Those Tomahawk missiles!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43"You saw that shit we were pulling Libya? Well, you're next,
0:25:43 > 0:25:47"Moldova, just as soon as we've found out where the fuck you are!"
0:25:50 > 0:25:52CHEERING
0:25:56 > 0:25:59That's about as far as my politics goes, by the way.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I'm not a very political person, which I think is sometimes
0:26:01 > 0:26:06quite good, cos I can look at a problem and see a simple solution.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08You know, like health for example.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11We're constantly told we're a very fat and obese nation -
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I could sort it out like that, cos it's the government's fault.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15They're not doing enough.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19With some shit that's unhealthy for us they do their bit, like smoking.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Smokers, you go in, you buy your packet of cigarettes,
0:26:21 > 0:26:26every single pack has got a picture of like, a lung kicked in shit.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28You're like, "Oh, I don't want to smoke these
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"cos I don't want my lungs to get kicked in shit as well.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33"Thanks very much, government, for looking out for me there."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36That's fine if you're doing that with cigarettes - great.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39But you got to start doing that shit across the board.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42You've got to start doing that with everyone that's unhealthy for us,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44with food.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45If you walk into a Tesco's
0:26:45 > 0:26:48and you want to buy yourself a massive chocolate cake,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51that thing should come with a picture on it of a fat lady
0:26:51 > 0:26:53crying as she comes out of Topshop empty-handed.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Problem solved.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Cos I am trying to take more of an interest in politics,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08basically, I am trying to become more of a grown-up.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10This is a big thing in my life, Hammersmith,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I've had some big changes going on.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16One of these I'm really proud to share you with this evening
0:27:16 > 0:27:20is that I am no longer living at home with my mother,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I am now in rented accommodation!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24CHEERING
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I know.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28And I'm doing shit I never thought I'd do,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31surprising myself all the time.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34The other day I invited a friend over for a cup of tea,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37cos that's what I do now, I don't go out to nightclubs
0:27:37 > 0:27:40and take class As and finger people by bins - that's over.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I have friends over to mine,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44we drink herbal tea and we watch Eggheads.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46So fuck you, CJ.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50So I invited my friend round, hand her this herbal tea,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52she goes to put it down on the coffee table,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55before that mug has made contact with the coffee table - boom -
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I had a coaster underneath it!
0:27:57 > 0:28:01I'm not the coaster guy - all of a sudden, I'm the coaster guy.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06This one is even more incredible.
0:28:06 > 0:28:12I was sat on my own, in my flat, and I saw a light bulb flicker
0:28:12 > 0:28:15and go out, and my instant response was this...
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"Ah, fuck...I'm going to have to change that."
0:28:20 > 0:28:21And then I did!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I got a chair out, I cha... I CHANGED A LIGHT BULB!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Compare that to me in my student flat three years ago.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32If I was sat in a room and a light bulb flickered out,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34my instant response was this...
0:28:34 > 0:28:35"Ah, fuck,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38"we're only going to be able to use this room in the day now."
0:28:43 > 0:28:46There's some shit I draw the line at, some stuff I will not be doing.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50I received a terrifying phone call from a friend the other day,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52from this girl, she goes, "Jack, Jack,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55"when are you going to invite me over for a dinner party?"
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I was like, "Hm, how about...never?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01"I've seen Come Dine With Me, I'm
0:29:01 > 0:29:03"not putting myself through that shit."
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Cos if anyone's seen Come Dine With Me, that will put you off having
0:29:08 > 0:29:12a dinner party, or even having friends, for the rest of your life.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Where do they find those people?
0:29:14 > 0:29:17You could give them the best night of their entire lives,
0:29:17 > 0:29:19as soon as they get in the back of the cab, they're
0:29:19 > 0:29:23thinking about one thing and one thing alone - the tray of cash.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25They're greedy bastards!
0:29:25 > 0:29:29"So, tell me, how was your evening?" "Oh, my God, it was amazing.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31"We arrived early, we were given vol-au-vents and champagne.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34"We were then ushered through to the garden where we witnessed
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"the most wonderful fireworks display
0:29:36 > 0:29:38"and a live performance from the Beatles.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41"We then tottered on through to the dining area,
0:29:41 > 0:29:43"where I sat down NOT upon a chair -
0:29:43 > 0:29:47"but upon the naked, coiled body of Megan Fox.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51"For starter we had a fruit de la mer platter followed by
0:29:51 > 0:29:52"a rare unicorn steak.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55"Midway through the meal I went to relieve myself, there was
0:29:55 > 0:29:59"no toilet to piss into, so I got to urinate into the mouth
0:29:59 > 0:30:00"of the boy that bullied me in school!
0:30:00 > 0:30:02"At the end of the evening,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04"we were all given a goody bag which contained
0:30:04 > 0:30:08"a Nebuchadnezzar of champagne, rich Belgian chocolates
0:30:08 > 0:30:12"and the love and attention that I craved from my father as a child.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15"And, oh, I nearly forgot to mention.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18"At the beginning of the evening one of our assembled party
0:30:18 > 0:30:23"announced to the group that they were in fact a vegetarian.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27"So they were captured in a tuna net, dragged outside into the garden,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29"told to stop seeking attention
0:30:29 > 0:30:32"and then shot in the face with a whaling harpoon!
0:30:32 > 0:30:34"It was the most wonderful evening of my life,
0:30:34 > 0:30:38"and that's why I'm giving our host for this evening...a two."
0:30:42 > 0:30:43Outrageous!
0:30:49 > 0:30:53So my grown-up living was going very well in my flat with my coasters
0:30:53 > 0:30:56and everything, but then it took a bit of a nosedive, because
0:30:56 > 0:31:01I realised there was one thing I no longer had which I really relied on.
0:31:01 > 0:31:02And that was my mother.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Cos I will be the first to admit, Hammersmith, I am
0:31:06 > 0:31:09a MASSIVE mummy's boy, OK, she is incredible,
0:31:09 > 0:31:10she does everything for me.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my mum - that's a fact.
0:31:15 > 0:31:20No, but when I first started doing stand-up and stuff,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23my mum would drive me to all my gigs.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I'd do the show and then she'd take me back afterwards.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28I know, rock n' roll.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33It meant it was quite hard to pick up ladies after shows.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35"Yeah, you want to come back to my crib, babe?
0:31:35 > 0:31:38"My ride's outside, it's the Volvo estate, you'll have to sit
0:31:38 > 0:31:40"in the back cos me and Mother like
0:31:40 > 0:31:42"to ride up front, listen to Radio 4."
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Not many people came back with me.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52But I realised I didn't have my mum any more, and I decided this
0:31:52 > 0:31:58was what I was going to do - I thought I could start dating my mum.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01Not my actual mum! That sounds weird,
0:32:01 > 0:32:08but like a version of my mum that there would be a sexual aspect to...
0:32:08 > 0:32:09This is coming out wrong.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15When I was living at home with my mum there was one sexual element,
0:32:15 > 0:32:19and that was my mum had garnered the greatest weapon
0:32:19 > 0:32:21any women can have in any relationship with a man -
0:32:21 > 0:32:25the ability to deny a man from having sex.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Cos men, we just want to have sex all the time.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32How old are you, over there in the T-shirt?
0:32:32 > 0:32:3519? You must be like a fucking ball of spunk!
0:32:36 > 0:32:39You haven't listened to a word I've said, you've just been
0:32:39 > 0:32:42working out whether you can climb onto the stage and fuck that E.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49But we do, we want sex all the time, we're animalistic.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52And if a woman can turn round and be like, "No come for you,"
0:32:52 > 0:32:54you have control.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56I realise that's not how women do it.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58"Do you want to make love?" "NO COME FOR YOU!"
0:33:01 > 0:33:03But my mum did, she tried to stop me from having sex
0:33:03 > 0:33:06when I was living at home.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09She didn't mind me having sex elsewhere, like,
0:33:09 > 0:33:13I remember going away to my first stag weekend to this
0:33:13 > 0:33:17horny, hookering pimple in Eastern Europe called Tallinn.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21My mum helped me pack my bag, in the front pocket she put 30 condoms!
0:33:23 > 0:33:2530! I was there for two days.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28I counted them when I came back - there was 31.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34But it was sex in the house she wasn't happy with, and she had
0:33:34 > 0:33:37a whole arsenal of ways of stopping me from having sex in the house.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41The first thing she did was to try and desexualise my bedroom.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43She thinks I didn't notice, it was so obvious.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45The longer I'd been going out with a girl,
0:33:45 > 0:33:49the more children's toys would appear on the floor,
0:33:49 > 0:33:53family photographs adorning every mantelpiece,
0:33:53 > 0:33:56a massive framed picture of my creepy uncle above the bed.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59And this huge mound of cushions as well,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01towered high above the bedspread, that you'd have to hack
0:34:01 > 0:34:04through before you could even get into the sheets!
0:34:04 > 0:34:06And they all had little things embroidered on them
0:34:06 > 0:34:09to kill any sexual mood - "Home sweet home", "Mummy knows best",
0:34:09 > 0:34:13"Daddy's under the bed" - what the fuck?!
0:34:14 > 0:34:17And it didn't stop there, another one she did was buy me
0:34:17 > 0:34:21a new bed as soon as I turned 18.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I was like, "Oh, thanks, Mum, a new bed."
0:34:23 > 0:34:27The LOUDEST bed I've ever had sex on in my entire life.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30This thing would creak in space.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33And it's not like I was having loud sex on it.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35(I would have the quietest...)
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Don't know why I'm looking at you, Darren, sorry.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41Yeah, but I was trying to have the quietest sex possible,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44I was very conscious that my mum was beneath me...
0:34:44 > 0:34:45No, not beneath! No, no!
0:34:47 > 0:34:49I mean, the room below, you sick fucks!
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Stealth sex, that's what I used to call it.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59Me and my girlfriend would do it so quietly,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02like...like we were Anne Frank's parents.
0:35:02 > 0:35:03Shh.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Yeah, she didn't put that in the diary!
0:35:14 > 0:35:18I can't do anything fun either, anything experimental.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Came home from a night out a bit tipsy maybe,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22"Oh, Jack, do you want to try a bit of role play?"
0:35:22 > 0:35:26"Um, could you just play dead? Honestly, that would help."
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Sex for me at home, in my mum's house, became a little bit
0:35:29 > 0:35:33like arriving late at the theatre and trying to find your seat.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36A lot of shuffling, a bit of shooshing, then a pause
0:35:36 > 0:35:39and somewhere in the darkness a whispered "I'm sorry."
0:35:46 > 0:35:48And that's not to say I ever wanted weird sex,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50I don't like anything odd.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53When it comes to sex, I like it very simple,
0:35:53 > 0:35:55I'm quite British about the whole thing.
0:35:55 > 0:35:56Victorian British.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59I want three minutes in the dark, then we both roll over,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01assume the foetal position and cry for a bit.
0:36:01 > 0:36:07That's how it's done. And none of that talking, I hate the talking.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10They say during sex a woman should lie back and think of England.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14I couldn't agree more but let's make it more specific - lie back
0:36:14 > 0:36:15and think of London.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Don't make any eye-contact with me
0:36:17 > 0:36:19and don't you dare start a conversation.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Cos I had a girl who tried to get me to do the dirty talk thing,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27and I warned her that it wouldn't work,
0:36:27 > 0:36:31this voice does not work within the echelons of a sexy environment.
0:36:31 > 0:36:36Therefore any sexual conduct will be conducted in complete silence.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39But she insisted on doing it, she was,
0:36:39 > 0:36:43"Oh, Jack, tell me I've been a bad girl!"
0:36:43 > 0:36:46"You-you've been a very bad girl."
0:36:46 > 0:36:48"How bad, how bad?!"
0:36:48 > 0:36:50"I don't know, is there a scale?
0:36:50 > 0:36:53"Worse than a looter, not as bad as Harold Shipman, are you happy now?"
0:36:59 > 0:37:04That's not even the worst one. This has haunted me for a long time.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07I was going out with this girl at university,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10and she had this thing where, basically, in sixth form,
0:37:10 > 0:37:15she had gone out with her PE teacher at school.
0:37:15 > 0:37:20So she asked me to do a role play reversal in the bedroom,
0:37:20 > 0:37:24where she was the PE teacher and I was the pupil.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28I was like, "I am NOT comfortable with this whatsoever."
0:37:28 > 0:37:33I really didn't want to do it, but I didn't know how to get out of it!
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Eventually I turned up with a note from my mum, I was like...
0:37:45 > 0:37:50So, I haven't yet mentioned where my father lies in all of this,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53which is really to not give a flying fuck about any of it.
0:37:53 > 0:37:58Because my dad, he's from an older generation of fathers,
0:37:58 > 0:37:59he's quite old-fashioned.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02"Old-fashioned"? Racist.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Because he's an older dad.
0:38:08 > 0:38:13Show of hands, where are the dads in the room? Put your hands up, dads.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15That one took ages to go up, sir.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18You're not sure whether the child's yours?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20"We got a lot in common - I like Chinese food,
0:38:20 > 0:38:22"she was Chinese, I just put her in the car."
0:38:24 > 0:38:26No, keep your hands up, dads.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Now, I want you to keep your hands up
0:38:29 > 0:38:32if you think of yourselves as being cool dads.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37One over there, no more...? This one's staying up.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40You think you're a cool dad,
0:38:40 > 0:38:43you got a cool dad's name like Lance or Troy?
0:38:43 > 0:38:45What's your name?
0:38:45 > 0:38:46- Graham.- Graham?
0:38:50 > 0:38:54So, Graham, have you prepared for the birds and the bees talk?
0:38:54 > 0:38:56You laugh, your wife was like, "No, he fucking hasn't."
0:38:57 > 0:39:01What I'm saying is, you need to prepare for the birds and the bees talk,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03it's very important, cos if you don't, you'll cock it up.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07It will never be as bad as what my dad showed me - not "showed",
0:39:07 > 0:39:08that sounds terrible!
0:39:09 > 0:39:12"Jack, come in here! Right, this is the way your mother likes it.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15"I just lean over and spank her tits, yeah."
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Sorry. That's a rough image for me as well.
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Cos my mum's tits are rank.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27They're not, they're lovely - not "lovely"!
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Aw... She's in tonight, that's awkward.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39No, I didn't really get a birds and the bees talk from my dad,
0:39:39 > 0:39:44all I got - when I was about 15 - my dad picked me up from school,
0:39:44 > 0:39:47we were driving along in the car in complete silence,
0:39:47 > 0:39:50he hadn't said anything to me, we stopped at the traffic lights,
0:39:50 > 0:39:52and he just turned me and went,
0:39:52 > 0:39:55"Jack, I've had a lock installed on your door.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58"The last thing I want is for your mother Hillary to walk in
0:39:58 > 0:40:01"and find you... HAVING ONE OFF THE WRIST."
0:40:05 > 0:40:07That's all I got from him!
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Cos my dad, he's quite a stern man.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Two brief stories that sort of set him up,
0:40:14 > 0:40:17so you can understand what he's like.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Both of them involve my dad watching the news with me.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Cos that's when he's at his most "Dad".
0:40:22 > 0:40:26The first of which, we're watching this very sad news story,
0:40:26 > 0:40:29really emotional, it was about this girl who'd been
0:40:29 > 0:40:33shot in a drive-by shooting outside a KFC in Brixton, it was horrible.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36They were interviewing friends, family, witnesses,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39a lot of tears, it was really emotionally engaging.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41And it got to the end, a news reporter summed it up.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45He said, "An innocent woman has been gunned down in her prime here
0:40:45 > 0:40:48"outside a KFC restaurant in Brixton.
0:40:48 > 0:40:49"Back to you in the studio."
0:40:49 > 0:40:52There was a pause in my sitting room, and my dad turned to me
0:40:52 > 0:40:55and went, "Huh! That's not a restaurant."
0:40:58 > 0:40:59Not the point!
0:41:01 > 0:41:06The other one, which in my mind is even worse, me and my dad watching
0:41:06 > 0:41:10the news with my mum in the kitchen, lovely little family dinner.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14A story came on about a certain Robert Mugabe.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18Now, my dad's not really a fan of Robert Mugabe, I mean,
0:41:18 > 0:41:20no-one's a fan of Robert Mugabe!
0:41:20 > 0:41:22If we've got any fans in, I suggest you leave now,
0:41:22 > 0:41:24cos you won't like this next bit.
0:41:24 > 0:41:25But Robert Mugabe was on the screen
0:41:25 > 0:41:28and I could see my dad was getting quite irate.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31He was tremoring, there was veins popping out of his forehead,
0:41:31 > 0:41:34and then suddenly, from nowhere, he just erupted,
0:41:34 > 0:41:37the biggest temper tantrum I'd ever see him throw.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40He stood up from the table, started shouting at the TV,
0:41:40 > 0:41:44"Oh, my God, he is the most odious man, he's a ghastly, nasty
0:41:44 > 0:41:50"wretched Rhodesian little pimp, he's a horrible, nasty, odious,
0:41:50 > 0:41:53- "wretched, ghastly, fucking- BLEEP!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57He said it, in front of my mum, my dad dropped the C bomb.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00And my mother went ballistic!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04She went, "Michael, how dare you?
0:42:04 > 0:42:06"I realise that he is a terrible man,
0:42:06 > 0:42:09"but you do not use that word in this household.
0:42:09 > 0:42:14"You do not use that word in front of my children!"
0:42:14 > 0:42:17My dad, no word of a lie, he swing round, looked her in the eye
0:42:17 > 0:42:20and he said, "This is typical of you, Hillary.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23"You are always defending Mugabe!"
0:42:33 > 0:42:37So that's the kind of man he is and when we were growing up,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39me and my dad, we argued quite a lot,
0:42:39 > 0:42:41we clashed quite a lot over some things that were
0:42:41 > 0:42:45sort of recurring, because, basically, when I was younger,
0:42:45 > 0:42:48when I was growing up, I was quite a creative child.
0:42:48 > 0:42:49Creative - gay!
0:42:51 > 0:42:52My dad didn't like that
0:42:52 > 0:42:55because he was always sort of trying to butch me up.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58He was trying to make me more sort of macho, um...
0:42:58 > 0:43:02and I think you'll agree he's done a pretty fabulous job.
0:43:02 > 0:43:07I mean, we used to argue all the time, we used argue all the time,
0:43:07 > 0:43:10and every time we argued as well, I'd always do the same thing,
0:43:10 > 0:43:12I'd run away from home. That's what I'd do,
0:43:12 > 0:43:14no matter what the argument was about, it was, "I'm running away.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17"I'm leaving home, I'm going for ever to live on the streets,
0:43:17 > 0:43:21"you won't be seeing me again. Mother, pack my bag.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23"Put in all the essentials, Frubes,
0:43:23 > 0:43:24"I'll need some Frubes to eat and some...
0:43:24 > 0:43:26"My sticker album and my Tamagotchi
0:43:26 > 0:43:29"cos homeless people get more money if they have pets.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31"Now bring it here, Mother."
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Put on my bag and off I'd go. "You'll never see me again."
0:43:33 > 0:43:35"Where are you going, Jack?
0:43:35 > 0:43:39"I don't know, I hear Moldova is very nice this time of year."
0:43:39 > 0:43:41And I'd go, and then I'd wait at the end of the street.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44I wouldn't actually properly run away,
0:43:44 > 0:43:45I'd be about 100 yards away from the house
0:43:45 > 0:43:49and I'd be waiting there for my dad to come and pick me up in the car.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51It was very important that he got into the car,
0:43:51 > 0:43:53I needed him physically to get in the car,
0:43:53 > 0:43:56drive 100 yards down the road, pick me up, tell me that he loved me.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59I had to hear him say that and then I'd get back in the car
0:43:59 > 0:44:04and we'd go home and it would all be happy families again and I'd say
0:44:04 > 0:44:07this happened on average once or twice a week...
0:44:08 > 0:44:11..and, as I say, often over recurring issues.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14One of them was that I went through a phase when I was younger,
0:44:14 > 0:44:19for about two or three years, when I really liked Robin Hood.
0:44:19 > 0:44:26And I mean, REALLY liked Robin Hood, to the point where I wanted to dress
0:44:26 > 0:44:29up as him all the time and I had the most wonderful outfit as well.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31They were these little sort of green,
0:44:31 > 0:44:34I guess you'd call them fishnet tights, and then a tunic,
0:44:34 > 0:44:37Claire's Accessories belt, feather tumbling out the side of my cap.
0:44:37 > 0:44:41I looked fierce. "Come and get me, Merry Men."
0:44:41 > 0:44:43And my dad didn't like that, he didn't like that,
0:44:43 > 0:44:45because I wore that outfit to everything,
0:44:45 > 0:44:49everything - family functions, holidays, the supermarket,
0:44:49 > 0:44:52his brother's funeral, he really...
0:44:52 > 0:44:55didn't like that, so that was sort of constantly bubbling over
0:44:55 > 0:44:58throughout my childhood and there was one Christmas,
0:44:58 > 0:45:01though, there was one Christmas where he really let loose, OK?
0:45:01 > 0:45:04And that was because I had requested a couple of very specific
0:45:04 > 0:45:07Christmas presents which he didn't agree with.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Now the first of these, my mum had actually given in and bought me
0:45:09 > 0:45:13a couple of weeks before Christmas and that was a pair of Rollerblades.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16I really wanted Rollerblades, my mum got me Rollerblades,
0:45:16 > 0:45:20I was so excited and then my father confiscated them.
0:45:20 > 0:45:25He said, "No son of mine will be gliding around like a woofter."
0:45:25 > 0:45:29So I didn't have my Rollerblades, I didn't have my Rollerblades,
0:45:29 > 0:45:34so come Christmas morning, right, I was ready to blow at anything, OK?
0:45:34 > 0:45:38I was pretty pissed off, which leads me on to the second present
0:45:38 > 0:45:41that I requested that year for Christmas
0:45:41 > 0:45:43and that was a Pocahontas doll.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48Now a couple of judgy laughs there, which is fine,
0:45:48 > 0:45:51but I didn't actually want it in a gay way, all right?
0:45:51 > 0:45:53I wanted a Pocahontas doll cos I had an Action Man figurine
0:45:53 > 0:45:55I thought it would be nice, as Action Man is a soldier
0:45:55 > 0:45:57and he goes off and fights in all these wars,
0:45:57 > 0:46:00that when he comes back, there's a woman there to look after him.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03Help for Heroes, all right?
0:46:03 > 0:46:05But my dad wouldn't get me the Pocahontas doll.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08I went down Christmas morning, opened all of my presents,
0:46:08 > 0:46:10expecting to see Pocahontas there.
0:46:10 > 0:46:14She was not there and I went apoplectic.
0:46:14 > 0:46:18I was like, "This is the final straw.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21"If you don't give me my pocket money right this instant
0:46:21 > 0:46:24"so I can go and buy my Pocahontas doll, you will never be seeing me
0:46:24 > 0:46:27"again, I will walk out of that door
0:46:27 > 0:46:29"and that will be this time for good."
0:46:29 > 0:46:34My father was like, "Over my dead body." I was like, "Fine.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38"Mother, pack my bag." "It's already done." "Thank you, Mother."
0:46:38 > 0:46:42Off I went, into my father's study, I took out my Rollerblades
0:46:42 > 0:46:44and I glided out of their lives.
0:46:47 > 0:46:51I waited on the edge of the street for my father to come
0:46:51 > 0:46:54and get me and I remember at the time thinking,
0:46:54 > 0:47:00"What a heartless, cold bastard, what a bastard,"
0:47:00 > 0:47:03but in hindsight now I look back on it
0:47:03 > 0:47:07and I feel sorry for my father because let me tell you,
0:47:07 > 0:47:14you get some very bizarre looks when aged 13 on a cold Christmas morning,
0:47:14 > 0:47:19you're stood on the corner of the pavement in a woman's dress,
0:47:19 > 0:47:22green fishnet tights and Rollerblades,
0:47:22 > 0:47:26looking a little bit like a hooker out of Starlight Express
0:47:26 > 0:47:29and essentially getting kerb-crawled by your own father
0:47:29 > 0:47:34who drives up in his Mercedes, puts down the window, hands you £20
0:47:34 > 0:47:38and shouts, "I love you, now get in the fucking car!"
0:47:48 > 0:47:52And you know, I genuinely thought as I grew up these pressures
0:47:52 > 0:47:53would evaporate, but they don't, do they,
0:47:53 > 0:47:56they change, the pressures that your parents put onto you?
0:47:56 > 0:47:58The one I'm dealing with now, right,
0:47:58 > 0:47:59is that my mum wants me to get married.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01She's obsessed with me getting married
0:48:01 > 0:48:05and specifically she wants me to get married to Kate Middleton,
0:48:05 > 0:48:06which sounds mental, cos it is,
0:48:06 > 0:48:08but it's made slightly less mental by the fact that
0:48:08 > 0:48:10I was at school with Kate Middleton,
0:48:10 > 0:48:12so my mum sees that as a kind of missed opportunity,
0:48:12 > 0:48:15that I was at school with Kate Middleton and I didn't
0:48:15 > 0:48:17end up marrying her, like I stood a chance.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20I mean, like, Kate Middleton is, like, five years older than me.
0:48:20 > 0:48:24When we were at school, she was in sixth form, I was in a head brace,
0:48:24 > 0:48:28I mean, I wasn't particularly cool when I was at school.
0:48:28 > 0:48:32I played the recorder. My mum forced me to learn the recorder at school.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34She was like, "Oh, no, women love a musician."
0:48:34 > 0:48:36"Not a recordist, Mother."
0:48:36 > 0:48:38The only way I'm going to get a girl into my bed by using
0:48:38 > 0:48:41the recorder is if I fucking knock her out with it.
0:48:42 > 0:48:44But she gets annoyed with me now.
0:48:44 > 0:48:47She thinks it's my fault, she gets annoyed at me all the time
0:48:47 > 0:48:49and always brings up the Kate Middleton thing.
0:48:49 > 0:48:52Like, the other day I was staying at her house, I'd taken off all my
0:48:52 > 0:48:54clothes to get in to bed, I'd thrown a couple of them on the floor.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57There was a pair of my boxer shorts on the floor in which was
0:48:57 > 0:49:00the tiniest, weeniest little skidmark.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02I mean, you could barely see it.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04My mother walks in with the laundry basket, scoops it up,
0:49:04 > 0:49:07says, "That's why Kate didn't want you."
0:49:10 > 0:49:11So unfair.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15That's why I found the royal wedding so hard to watch,
0:49:15 > 0:49:19cos in one ear I had my mother, "Why can't you be marrying her?"
0:49:19 > 0:49:21In the other ear, I had the television
0:49:21 > 0:49:23which was talking even more nonsense.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26Remember they kept saying that thing, "Kate Middleton is of course
0:49:26 > 0:49:29"the first commoner to marry into the royal family.
0:49:29 > 0:49:32"The first commoner to marry into the royal family."
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Commoner! What's this commoner they keep talking about?
0:49:34 > 0:49:36She attended my school.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41As you will already gauge from my voice, demeanour and, hey,
0:49:41 > 0:49:42everything about me,
0:49:42 > 0:49:46the school I attended was not particularly common.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49They were writing and talking about Kate Middleton
0:49:49 > 0:49:52as if she was from Harlem, like straight out of the ghetto.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54She went to my school, Marlborough College.
0:49:54 > 0:49:57I'll let you into a little secret about Marlborough College -
0:49:57 > 0:50:00Marlborough College made Midsomer Murders
0:50:00 > 0:50:03look like The fucking Wire, all right?
0:50:04 > 0:50:07We had one black guy in the entire school when I was there.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10It was ridiculous, he was a friend of mine called Daniel
0:50:10 > 0:50:11and I shit you not,
0:50:11 > 0:50:14the headmaster of Marlborough College genuinely used to put
0:50:14 > 0:50:18Daniel in every single school photograph to try
0:50:18 > 0:50:20and make our school look more diverse.
0:50:22 > 0:50:26"So, come on Daniel, pop yourself on the end of the row there."
0:50:26 > 0:50:29"But I wasn't in the first 11 cricket team." "Well, you are now."
0:50:29 > 0:50:34"And afterwards you'll be combing that Afro into pigtails, Head Girl."
0:50:39 > 0:50:42Mentioned Midsomer Murders there, my favourite story of last year,
0:50:42 > 0:50:45the producer of Midsomer Murders suspended,
0:50:45 > 0:50:47pending an investigation into racism,
0:50:47 > 0:50:49because he claimed the only reason Midsomer Murders
0:50:49 > 0:50:52worked as a show is because there was no black people
0:50:52 > 0:50:53living in the village of Midsomer
0:50:53 > 0:50:56and there was an outcry from the press, quite rightly.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58But they all said the same thing,
0:50:58 > 0:51:00"The only way they can make this situation any better is
0:51:00 > 0:51:02"that they take a black person
0:51:02 > 0:51:04and put them in the village of Midsomer."
0:51:05 > 0:51:06It definitely is not.
0:51:08 > 0:51:11Let's face it, if you were the first black person
0:51:11 > 0:51:16to live in the village of Midsomer, that's quite a tough gig.
0:51:16 > 0:51:21Every time there's a murder, getting hauled in for questioning.
0:51:22 > 0:51:26"Do you know why you're here?" "Is it because I'm black?" "Yes."
0:51:31 > 0:51:34So my mum wants me to get married and, you know what,
0:51:34 > 0:51:37I decided that I would like to be in a proper relationship
0:51:37 > 0:51:40and most of my relationships have never worked out,
0:51:40 > 0:51:42so this was my idea, right?
0:51:42 > 0:51:45I decided what I needed to do is to work out what it was that
0:51:45 > 0:51:46make a relationship work,
0:51:46 > 0:51:51so I did what any sensible guy would do in that situation.
0:51:51 > 0:51:55I went to a live recording of the Jeremy Kyle show in Manchester.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01Let me tell you, I learned some things that day,
0:52:01 > 0:52:04some lessons that will stay with me for the rest of my life,
0:52:04 > 0:52:07because at that live recording of the Jeremy Kyle
0:52:07 > 0:52:10show in Manchester, I witnessed in front of my very eyes,
0:52:10 > 0:52:15a gentleman take on Jeremy Kyle and nearly walk away the victor.
0:52:16 > 0:52:17It was amazing.
0:52:17 > 0:52:20Because when he walked into the studio, none of us gave him
0:52:20 > 0:52:22a hope in hell.
0:52:22 > 0:52:23His name was Spider, right,
0:52:23 > 0:52:26and he was wearing a matching shell suit and cap?
0:52:26 > 0:52:29I was like, "Oh, my God, man, Jeremy Kyle is going to chew you up
0:52:29 > 0:52:32"and spit you out the other end, I hope he gets done with you quickly
0:52:32 > 0:52:34"so that we can get onto the squabbling sisters that are both
0:52:34 > 0:52:37"fucking the same guy," because that's why I came this afternoon.
0:52:37 > 0:52:42But right from the outset, Spider showed some serious promise.
0:52:42 > 0:52:46Kyle started out with a standard, Jeremy Kyle opening round,
0:52:46 > 0:52:48little teaser question.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50He was like, "So, Spider,
0:52:50 > 0:52:53"I hear that you don't see much of your children."
0:52:53 > 0:52:56Oh, let's see what you've got in your locker, Spider,
0:52:56 > 0:52:58old buddy, old pal.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01"Well, Jeremy, I admit that I don't see much of my children,
0:53:01 > 0:53:04"but that's because I got to work two jobs, one during the day
0:53:04 > 0:53:07"and then I've also got to a nightshift to earn enough
0:53:07 > 0:53:12"money to pay them the child support that they deserve."
0:53:12 > 0:53:16I sat up in my chair, I was, "Oooh, this guy's good.
0:53:16 > 0:53:21"What have you got next, Kyle?" Kyle coils back for another blow.
0:53:21 > 0:53:24"So, Spider, I hear..."
0:53:33 > 0:53:36Like a viper. "..I hear that you are a bit of a drinker." Oooh!
0:53:36 > 0:53:38It's a low blow.
0:53:38 > 0:53:41The sobriety test early on, this normally separates
0:53:41 > 0:53:45the wheat from the chaff, "What you got this time, Spider?"
0:53:45 > 0:53:48"Well, Jeremy, I was a bit of a drinker
0:53:48 > 0:53:50"but I've faced up to my demons
0:53:50 > 0:53:54"and I have attended various AA-AA-AA-AA meetings
0:53:54 > 0:53:59"and I'm now proud to say that I have been sober for three years."
0:53:59 > 0:54:02What the fuck is going on here?!
0:54:02 > 0:54:07Have I just seen the man sidestep Jeremy Kyle two times in a row?
0:54:07 > 0:54:08That's not in the script.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11I'll telling my grandchildren about this momentous day
0:54:11 > 0:54:16when the matador finally met his match in this deadly dance of death.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18Kyle didn't know what to do, he sweeps to his side,
0:54:18 > 0:54:21he draws up an envelope, we all know what that means.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23It's lie-detector time.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26"Spider, I asked you on the lie detector whether you had ever
0:54:26 > 0:54:28"cheated on your partner Raquel
0:54:28 > 0:54:30"when you were in a relationship with her.
0:54:30 > 0:54:36"You said that you hadn't. You were in fact... Telling the truth."
0:54:36 > 0:54:38OMG.
0:54:38 > 0:54:40FML!
0:54:40 > 0:54:43The audience then cheered for Spider.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45It was like Rocky IV -
0:54:45 > 0:54:48we were the Russians and we had sided with Rocky.
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Kyle didn't know what to do, he was on the ropes.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53He had one last throw of the dice and it needed to be doubles
0:54:53 > 0:54:55because he was in jail but then
0:54:55 > 0:54:58he put his hand up to his ear I'm like, "Fuck me,
0:54:58 > 0:55:00"Kyle is calling them for backup.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03"I ain't seen this shit go down before."
0:55:03 > 0:55:06"Spider, I've had a word with our researchers and they tell me
0:55:06 > 0:55:11"that you have a motto."
0:55:11 > 0:55:15"Oh, Jeremy, is that all you've got, a motto?
0:55:15 > 0:55:17"Of course Spider's got a motto,
0:55:17 > 0:55:21"we've already established that this gentleman in a shell suit is
0:55:21 > 0:55:22"no mug - what,
0:55:22 > 0:55:25"you thought he'd walk into the arena of battle without a motto?
0:55:25 > 0:55:27"Do me a favour, Jeremy.
0:55:27 > 0:55:30"Well, come on, Spider, old buddy, old pal,
0:55:30 > 0:55:32"tell Jezza what your motto is.
0:55:32 > 0:55:35"Put him to the sword and then you can parade around the studio
0:55:35 > 0:55:40"with his head on a bloody fucking spike. What's it going to be?
0:55:40 > 0:55:42"We can't wait, carpe diem, Mother knows best,
0:55:42 > 0:55:46"do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?
0:55:46 > 0:55:51"Spider, the floor is yours." Complete silence befell the studio.
0:55:51 > 0:55:54Everyone's gaze turning to Spider, suddenly elevated
0:55:54 > 0:55:58to being like Jesus delivering the Sermon on the Mount.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01Everyone looking and then in front of the entire studio,
0:56:01 > 0:56:04Spider stood up and said...
0:56:04 > 0:56:08"Well, Jeremy, my motto is, 'If a woman can give a punch,
0:56:08 > 0:56:09"'she can take one.'"
0:56:19 > 0:56:23Subtle! I learned an important lesson that day.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27Relationships never require mottos.
0:56:29 > 0:56:32Look, I'm a sensible guy. I realised... I realised...
0:56:32 > 0:56:36I would not get all my answers from The Jeremy Kyle Show.
0:56:36 > 0:56:37I knew that I had to look elsewhere
0:56:37 > 0:56:40if I wanted to know what it was that made relationships work.
0:56:40 > 0:56:44So, I decided my next port of call was to look for inspiration
0:56:44 > 0:56:45with the people that I knew.
0:56:45 > 0:56:48And I started with my grandparents,
0:56:48 > 0:56:51because my grandparents have been married for longer
0:56:51 > 0:56:53than I've ever even heard of people being married.
0:56:53 > 0:56:5665 years!
0:56:56 > 0:56:59And I looked at them and I thought, "What is it that's kept them
0:56:59 > 0:57:01"together over such a long period of time?
0:57:01 > 0:57:05"How have they stayed so in love over all that time?"
0:57:05 > 0:57:07And I realised what it was.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09It was something so simple, yet beautiful.
0:57:11 > 0:57:13Fear.
0:57:13 > 0:57:19Because my grandad is terrified of my granny. And that shit works.
0:57:19 > 0:57:20And don't get me wrong.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22He's got just cause to be afraid of my granny.
0:57:22 > 0:57:26My granny is the scariest 82-year-old battle-axe
0:57:26 > 0:57:27you've ever met.
0:57:27 > 0:57:30We call her Dorothy Soprano. She runs our firm.
0:57:32 > 0:57:35Because have we got couples in tonight? Where are couples?
0:57:35 > 0:57:37This gentleman here in the check...
0:57:37 > 0:57:40Is this your lady wife next to you there? Beautiful, beautiful.
0:57:40 > 0:57:42How long have you been married for?
0:57:43 > 0:57:47- 24 years.- 24 years. See, in America, that would get a round of applause.
0:57:47 > 0:57:50But here, people are just like, "They must fucking hate each other."
0:57:53 > 0:57:56Oh! That's great. 24 years.
0:57:56 > 0:57:57No way.
0:57:59 > 0:58:00And let me ask you something as well.
0:58:00 > 0:58:03Are you scared of your wife?
0:58:03 > 0:58:05That was amazing. If we caught that on camera...
0:58:05 > 0:58:08As soon as I asked a question, her head just went...
0:58:10 > 0:58:13And you know what that look was she was giving you?
0:58:13 > 0:58:15That's, "You fuck this up, no come for you."
0:58:23 > 0:58:24Embrace the fear.
0:58:24 > 0:58:28Fear is good. Fear is a good thing to have in a relationship, I think.
0:58:28 > 0:58:31Like, the longest relationship I'd ever had was based on fear,
0:58:31 > 0:58:35because I was terrified of the girl I was going out with. She was...
0:58:35 > 0:58:37She was from the northeast of England.
0:58:37 > 0:58:39- Have we got any Geordies in? - AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER
0:58:39 > 0:58:41Yeah? Geordie... Whoo!
0:58:41 > 0:58:43You're going to hate this bit. The, er...
0:58:43 > 0:58:46No, because it's not the accent. I love the Geordie accent.
0:58:46 > 0:58:48I think the Geordie accent is a beautiful accent.
0:58:48 > 0:58:50I'm quite defensive of it, actually.
0:58:50 > 0:58:53Like, that whole Cheryl Cole thing, I was really annoyed by that.
0:58:53 > 0:58:56Sacking Cheryl Cole from American X Factor because they claimed
0:58:56 > 0:59:00they couldn't understand her because of her Geordie accent. Bollocks.
0:59:00 > 0:59:03Nothing to do with that. It was to do with Americanisms, wasn't it?
0:59:03 > 0:59:05Those words that are different in America
0:59:05 > 0:59:07to they are in, say, in Newcastle.
0:59:07 > 0:59:10Like in America, they say "sidewalk".
0:59:10 > 0:59:13In Newcastle, you say "path".
0:59:13 > 0:59:17In America, when it comes to sexual contraceptives, they use rubbers.
0:59:17 > 0:59:19In Newcastle, you don't.
0:59:20 > 0:59:21That's right.
0:59:24 > 0:59:26I warned you. The...
0:59:26 > 0:59:28No, I love the accent. I think the accent is beautiful.
0:59:28 > 0:59:31She had a very strong Geordie accent, and I loved it.
0:59:31 > 0:59:32It kind of turned me on.
0:59:32 > 0:59:35It was a bit of a problem, really, because I loved her accent
0:59:35 > 0:59:38so much, I was never really listening to a word she was saying.
0:59:38 > 0:59:40You know, we'd be out shopping in town,
0:59:40 > 0:59:43she might catch me looking at another girl. She'd be like...
0:59:43 > 0:59:47- GEORDIE ACCENT:- "Oh, Jack, pet, if I ever catch yous looking at another
0:59:47 > 0:59:52"girl like that again, I'll cut your dick off with a fucking spoon."
0:59:52 > 0:59:54"Ooh, who's a little Geordie?! Come on."
0:59:56 > 0:59:58She wasn't on a lead. I didn't...
1:00:01 > 1:00:03No, she was very nice, but she sort of changed
1:00:03 > 1:00:06as the relationship developed, as women sometimes will.
1:00:06 > 1:00:08Like, when I first met her, she was cool, she was funny,
1:00:08 > 1:00:09she was exciting.
1:00:09 > 1:00:13She said she was bi. I was like, "Ooh, sexy."
1:00:13 > 1:00:16It turns out she meant bipolar. She was fucking mental.
1:00:19 > 1:00:21She was a bit like one of them girls from Geordie Shore.
1:00:21 > 1:00:24You know the Geordie Shore programme? Has anyone seen that?
1:00:24 > 1:00:27For those of you that haven't, right, it's one of these, like,
1:00:27 > 1:00:30sort of mock reality shows, a bit like The Only Way Is Essex.
1:00:30 > 1:00:32Except it's not like The Only Way Is Essex.
1:00:32 > 1:00:34Geordie Shore makes The Only Way Is Essex
1:00:34 > 1:00:36look like fucking Downton Abbey.
1:00:36 > 1:00:41On Geordie Shore, they just fuck anything. You'd love it. The...
1:00:41 > 1:00:44It's great. But the girls on it, they are terrifying. They are so scary.
1:00:44 > 1:00:47They look scary, for starters, cos of some of the clothes they wear.
1:00:47 > 1:00:50There's a girl on it who wears a skintight fishnet boob tube.
1:00:50 > 1:00:54Now, I'm not a fashion expert, but a skintight fishnet boob tube,
1:00:54 > 1:00:57that's probably a look to avoid for most women, even if you've got
1:00:57 > 1:01:01the slenderest of figures, but this girl, no stranger to a kebab.
1:01:01 > 1:01:02I mean, she's like...
1:01:02 > 1:01:05I'm not being rude, but, you know, her BMI number is pie.
1:01:05 > 1:01:06She's like a big...
1:01:06 > 1:01:09And she goes around Newcastle city centre in this
1:01:09 > 1:01:11skintight fishnet boob tube.
1:01:11 > 1:01:14She looks like a manatee that's been hauled in by a sea trawler.
1:01:16 > 1:01:17They are terrifying.
1:01:17 > 1:01:19And, look, a lot of people say of Geordie Shore,
1:01:19 > 1:01:22"Oh, it shouldn't be on TV. They should ban it.
1:01:22 > 1:01:24"They should get it off air." No, that's not true.
1:01:24 > 1:01:26They've just got it on the wrong channel.
1:01:26 > 1:01:28Geordie Shore should not be on MTV.
1:01:28 > 1:01:30It should be on the Discovery Channel.
1:01:30 > 1:01:32That would make it so much better.
1:01:32 > 1:01:35If it had, like, a little David Attenborough voice-over.
1:01:35 > 1:01:37- AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: - Here is the Geordie Shore
1:01:37 > 1:01:39in its natural environment,
1:01:39 > 1:01:41cocking her leg by a wheelie bin
1:01:41 > 1:01:43to expose her minge to strangers for chips.
1:01:55 > 1:01:57So, we were going out.
1:01:57 > 1:01:59We were going out, me and this wonderful Geordie girl.
1:01:59 > 1:02:00And there were problems.
1:02:00 > 1:02:02There were a lot of problems right from the outset.
1:02:02 > 1:02:06One of the big ones, right, was that her friends hated me.
1:02:06 > 1:02:09And as a guy, if a girl's friends hate you, you're fucked.
1:02:09 > 1:02:13There's nothing you can do. Because, girls, you look after each other.
1:02:13 > 1:02:16You care for one another. It's gracious. You're like a pride.
1:02:16 > 1:02:18You will nurture and look after the weakest of the pack.
1:02:18 > 1:02:20Guys, we don't give a shit.
1:02:20 > 1:02:24We will kick the weakest out to rot in the sun.
1:02:24 > 1:02:27And the savanna, if you will, of all of this, if you want to observe
1:02:27 > 1:02:31it happening in all its glory, I always think, is the airport, right?
1:02:31 > 1:02:32When you see groups of girls
1:02:32 > 1:02:35and groups of guys going on holidays together.
1:02:35 > 1:02:39The lads on tour and the girls on tour. You see it in the airports.
1:02:39 > 1:02:40That's where it starts, right?
1:02:40 > 1:02:44In the queues for Ayia Napa, Magaluf, Marbella, Ibiza.
1:02:44 > 1:02:45CHEERING
1:02:45 > 1:02:46Girls on tour!
1:02:48 > 1:02:52It starts with the tour T-shirts and the tour hoodies that they
1:02:52 > 1:02:55all have made up for these holidays, right?
1:02:55 > 1:02:58You see the girls first, they come in with their little wheelie bags.
1:02:58 > 1:03:01And they take out their nice, neatly-ironed pink hoodies that
1:03:01 > 1:03:04they've all had organised months in advance.
1:03:04 > 1:03:07And they've got little nicknames on the back in glitter.
1:03:07 > 1:03:09Except with girls, it's not nicknames, is it?
1:03:09 > 1:03:11It's character building.
1:03:11 > 1:03:15You'll find any positive about your friends and you will celebrate it.
1:03:15 > 1:03:17It's glorious to see.
1:03:17 > 1:03:19You'll see a group of girls, and then at the back of the group,
1:03:19 > 1:03:22there will be this 500-ton hunk of ham with,
1:03:22 > 1:03:25like, a cleft palate and a gammy leg, chins growing
1:03:25 > 1:03:28out of areas you didn't even know a chin could grow out of.
1:03:28 > 1:03:29She winches herself round to see
1:03:29 > 1:03:31whether there is still a queue outside Burger King,
1:03:31 > 1:03:35and on her back in glitter it just reads, "Angel Eyes".
1:03:38 > 1:03:39"You can't deny her eyes are gorgeous.
1:03:39 > 1:03:41"They follow you round the room."
1:03:41 > 1:03:42Yes, cos one of them is lazy.
1:03:45 > 1:03:47Next to them in the queue, you've got the guys,
1:03:47 > 1:03:50and the guys are all just fighting over a bin liner full of T-shirts,
1:03:50 > 1:03:53all desperate to get the one that says, "Shagger".
1:03:53 > 1:03:56And they start dishing them out amongst their mates,
1:03:56 > 1:03:58except with guys, it's not nicknames either.
1:03:58 > 1:04:00It's character assassination.
1:04:00 > 1:04:04With no wit or reason to it whatsoever.
1:04:04 > 1:04:07It's just, like, "Dick Splash", "AIDS-wipe", "Shit-head".
1:04:07 > 1:04:10Some poor guy in a wheelchair getting forced into one that
1:04:10 > 1:04:12says "Top Gear". It's cruel.
1:04:13 > 1:04:15He's not even part of their group.
1:04:18 > 1:04:20And they get on the holidays, no different
1:04:20 > 1:04:23when you are actually at the destination.
1:04:23 > 1:04:25A group of girls that go to the beach to sunbathe,
1:04:25 > 1:04:30if one of their friends falls asleep in the sun, they will wake them up.
1:04:30 > 1:04:33A guy wouldn't dream of pulling that shit.
1:04:33 > 1:04:37You see the girls, it's like, "Angel Eyes, Angel Eyes, wake up!
1:04:37 > 1:04:39"Wake up! You've fallen asleep in the sun.
1:04:39 > 1:04:41"I can't wake her up, girls.
1:04:41 > 1:04:46"Oh, my God. I think someone might have spiked her sangria."
1:04:46 > 1:04:49Very unlikely. "Come on, girls. Come on.
1:04:49 > 1:04:52"Bring me some suntan lotion now! We are going to need more than that.
1:04:52 > 1:04:55"Bring a fucking bucket of it. Let's put it on you.
1:04:55 > 1:04:57"We are looking out for you, Angel Eyes.
1:04:57 > 1:05:02"We are looking out for you because we are BFF friends for ever."
1:05:02 > 1:05:06Further down the beach, you've got the guys. "Oi, what's Jay doing?"
1:05:06 > 1:05:08"Shhh!
1:05:08 > 1:05:11"He's fallen asleep.
1:05:11 > 1:05:15"In the midday sun. Oh, wow!"
1:05:15 > 1:05:17"Shall we put some suntan lotion on him?"
1:05:17 > 1:05:20"Yeah. I'll draw the bollocks, you do the shaft."
1:05:24 > 1:05:27Very funny, isn't it, Hammersmith? Laugh it all up.
1:05:27 > 1:05:29That will take months to get off.
1:05:39 > 1:05:42Never changes, no matter what happens in your life,
1:05:42 > 1:05:44what you achieve, it's always that same dynamic.
1:05:44 > 1:05:47I heard a story recently that made me feel so happy, all right?
1:05:47 > 1:05:50A friend of mine went to a house party in London.
1:05:50 > 1:05:54At this house party, right, he said that Daniel Radcliffe turned up.
1:05:54 > 1:06:00I was like, "Harry Potter? At your house party? That is so cool."
1:06:00 > 1:06:03Presumably, because Daniel Radcliffe is one of the most successful
1:06:03 > 1:06:05people for his age in the world, a multimillionaire,
1:06:05 > 1:06:10a movie star, no less, people were coming up, asking for autographs,
1:06:10 > 1:06:13fans wanting to have their photograph taken with him.
1:06:13 > 1:06:16My friend said, "No. That's not what happened.
1:06:16 > 1:06:19"At two o'clock in the morning, I went upstairs at this house party
1:06:19 > 1:06:23"and four of Daniel Radcliffe's mates had locked him in a cupboard
1:06:23 > 1:06:25"and was stood outside it, chanting,
1:06:25 > 1:06:28"Magic your way out of that, dickhead."
1:06:35 > 1:06:37- SINGSONGY:- He's still there!
1:06:39 > 1:06:43So, yeah, I didn't get on with her friends very well.
1:06:43 > 1:06:45So that relationship ended pretty abruptly.
1:06:47 > 1:06:50No, we split up when I left university, and it was for the best.
1:06:50 > 1:06:53It definitely was, because we weren't compatible.
1:06:53 > 1:06:56And after that, I didn't really have many other relationships.
1:06:56 > 1:06:59Which brings me up to sort of eight months ago.
1:06:59 > 1:07:02And I met this girl who was absolutely incredible.
1:07:02 > 1:07:05And I fell head over heels in love with her. She was amazing.
1:07:05 > 1:07:06Like no other girl I'd ever met.
1:07:06 > 1:07:09And, you know, she was a bit older than me, she was mature.
1:07:09 > 1:07:12Reminded me of my mum. Perfect.
1:07:12 > 1:07:16And...we started going out. And it was brilliant.
1:07:16 > 1:07:19It was like, finally, I've got a grown-up relationship.
1:07:19 > 1:07:23You know, we are going to have coasters all over the house.
1:07:23 > 1:07:29We'll put our posters up in frames. We'll get a bag for life.
1:07:29 > 1:07:30Ooh!
1:07:31 > 1:07:33But I ruined it.
1:07:33 > 1:07:37I cocked it all up because I realised, even though
1:07:37 > 1:07:41I was very happy to be in a grown-up relationship, the problem was,
1:07:41 > 1:07:45I'm not a grown-up, and that makes it very hard.
1:07:46 > 1:07:49And it all came to a crux, right, on a Friday night.
1:07:49 > 1:07:51About six months in, it was Friday night.
1:07:51 > 1:07:53I'd gone on to my Facebook
1:07:53 > 1:07:57and I'd been invited online to a fancy dress party. Sweet.
1:07:57 > 1:08:01Out I go, rented myself a big chicken costume.
1:08:01 > 1:08:04Correct, I WILL be winning best dressed this evening.
1:08:04 > 1:08:06Got myself two large bottles of Jagermeister
1:08:06 > 1:08:09and I was ready to hit the fucking town!
1:08:09 > 1:08:13Came downstairs and my girlfriend was stood in front of the door,
1:08:13 > 1:08:15staring at me.
1:08:15 > 1:08:18"Jack, why are you dressed like that?"
1:08:18 > 1:08:23"Er, well, because...I'm going to a fancy dress party."
1:08:23 > 1:08:24HE CLUCKS
1:08:28 > 1:08:30Nothing.
1:08:30 > 1:08:32She was like, "Jack, you've forgotten, haven't you?
1:08:32 > 1:08:36"Tonight is the sixth-month anniversary of our first date.
1:08:36 > 1:08:39"We have booked a table at the restaurant
1:08:39 > 1:08:41"we went on our first date to.
1:08:41 > 1:08:43"And you've forgotten."
1:08:43 > 1:08:46Well, I don't remember seeing it as an event on Facebook,
1:08:46 > 1:08:49so...does it count?
1:08:49 > 1:08:51Yes, it definitely counts.
1:08:51 > 1:08:53And I felt like a dick, I really did.
1:08:53 > 1:08:55This was someone I cared about a great deal
1:08:55 > 1:08:57and this was something that meant a lot to her,
1:08:57 > 1:09:00and it had gone in one ear, out the other.
1:09:00 > 1:09:01And I felt so stupid,
1:09:01 > 1:09:04because I look at my inspiration for relationships...
1:09:04 > 1:09:06I've already mentioned my grandad, all right?
1:09:06 > 1:09:10My grandad is in the severe clutches of Alzheimer's.
1:09:10 > 1:09:13Most of the time, he doesn't even know why he's in the room.
1:09:13 > 1:09:17But the one memory that he clings onto for dear life, the one
1:09:17 > 1:09:21anchor of his sanity, is the memory of when he first met my grandmother.
1:09:21 > 1:09:25And he tells it to me all the time. It's heart-wrenching.
1:09:25 > 1:09:28I'll be sat with him, he'll be like, "Jack...
1:09:28 > 1:09:31"Have I ever told you about the time that I met your grandmother?"
1:09:33 > 1:09:36"Yeah, like, five minutes ago and then ten before that.
1:09:36 > 1:09:38"But fire away, Grandad. We've got all day."
1:09:39 > 1:09:43"I was in Dublin, having left the Royal Navy,
1:09:43 > 1:09:46"and I was walking through town late at night
1:09:46 > 1:09:49"and I saw this group of ladies stood by the Ha'penny Bridge.
1:09:51 > 1:09:54"And in amongst them was your grandmother.
1:09:54 > 1:09:56"And she looked divine.
1:09:56 > 1:10:00"So, I decided I would go up and ask her for directions.
1:10:00 > 1:10:03"Of course, I knew where I was going."
1:10:03 > 1:10:04HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
1:10:06 > 1:10:07"And as I talked to them,
1:10:07 > 1:10:09"I realised that if I didn't pluck up the courage to ask her
1:10:09 > 1:10:12"to go for a drink, I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
1:10:12 > 1:10:14"So, I did, and she agreed.
1:10:14 > 1:10:16"And we went for a drink, we talked for hours.
1:10:16 > 1:10:18"I'd never believed in love at first sight,
1:10:18 > 1:10:20"but when I met your grandmother, I knew."
1:10:20 > 1:10:23And six months later, they were married.
1:10:23 > 1:10:25Because he said that she was the most beautiful woman
1:10:25 > 1:10:27that he'd ever seen.
1:10:27 > 1:10:29And she was pregnant.
1:10:31 > 1:10:33Randy old beast!
1:10:33 > 1:10:35But I look at him and I think everything else,
1:10:35 > 1:10:37his whole mind is fucked,
1:10:37 > 1:10:40but the one thing he holds on to, the one anchor of his sanity
1:10:40 > 1:10:42is the memory of when he first met my grandmother.
1:10:42 > 1:10:43And I can't even remember
1:10:43 > 1:10:47the restaurant I went to with my girlfriend six months ago.
1:10:47 > 1:10:48And that's partly a guy thing,
1:10:48 > 1:10:50us guys are so bad at forgetting every anniversary,
1:10:50 > 1:10:53and girls are the opposite. You love all the little anniversaries.
1:10:53 > 1:10:55The anniversary of when you first kissed, first met,
1:10:55 > 1:10:57when you first went on a date.
1:10:57 > 1:10:59Guys don't remember all those lovely little ones.
1:10:59 > 1:11:01We'd remember the bad ones.
1:11:01 > 1:11:03If we were going out to dinner to commemorate
1:11:03 > 1:11:06the anniversary of the time she broke my PlayStation 3
1:11:06 > 1:11:07by spilling red wine on it -
1:11:07 > 1:11:10ooh, Shiraz-gate's in the fuckin' diary!
1:11:12 > 1:11:15But this whole night as well basically summed up
1:11:15 > 1:11:17why our relationship was never going to work.
1:11:17 > 1:11:19Because of the date, the nature of it,
1:11:19 > 1:11:21the restaurant that we were going to,
1:11:21 > 1:11:23the restaurant that we'd been on our first date in,
1:11:23 > 1:11:24was not my kind of restaurant.
1:11:24 > 1:11:26It was one of these really fancy places,
1:11:26 > 1:11:28and I don't like a fancy restaurant,
1:11:28 > 1:11:30I don't like pretentious restaurants,
1:11:30 > 1:11:32especially on dates, because they make you look like idiots.
1:11:32 > 1:11:34I went on one recently with a girl,
1:11:34 > 1:11:36the wine guy comes up, right, the sommelier,
1:11:36 > 1:11:39and he has the wine list and it's on an iPad.
1:11:39 > 1:11:42Thrusts it in front of my face in front of this woman,
1:11:42 > 1:11:45he's like, "Does sir have any questions?" Um...
1:11:45 > 1:11:48Has this got Angry Birds?
1:11:49 > 1:11:51No! If you go to a restaurant on a date,
1:11:51 > 1:11:54you want to go somewhere where you can look like you know your shit.
1:11:54 > 1:11:56Where you look like you're in control.
1:11:56 > 1:11:58Which is why if you ever take a girl on a date
1:11:58 > 1:12:01there is only one venue and one venue alone. Any ideas?
1:12:01 > 1:12:03- SHOUTING - Nando's!
1:12:03 > 1:12:07Correct, ladies! Nando's is where you take your date.
1:12:07 > 1:12:10Because if you go to Nando's, you look like you know your shit!
1:12:10 > 1:12:12You arrive, you're greeted at the door.
1:12:12 > 1:12:14"Hello, sir, have you been to Nando's before?"
1:12:14 > 1:12:16Yes, I have, my good man.
1:12:16 > 1:12:19We both know that you're going to be doing fuck-all this evening,
1:12:19 > 1:12:22so stand aside. I'll have this booth in the corner.
1:12:22 > 1:12:23Ooh, banquette seating,
1:12:23 > 1:12:25that'll be nice for scooching up together
1:12:25 > 1:12:28when this date gets interesting later on tonight.
1:12:28 > 1:12:31So first it's time for the wine. What would madam like?
1:12:31 > 1:12:33A dry Sancerre or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc?
1:12:33 > 1:12:36It doesn't matter, babe, it's Nando's -
1:12:36 > 1:12:38they both taste exactly the same.
1:12:38 > 1:12:40Which leads us on to the food. Do you like chicken?
1:12:40 > 1:12:43Good, cos it's all fucking chicken. I already know what I'm getting,
1:12:43 > 1:12:45double chicken breast in pitta, lemon and herb spice,
1:12:45 > 1:12:49but at the last minute I'm asking the guy to switch round the flags they put on the top
1:12:49 > 1:12:51so it says that mine is extra-hot
1:12:51 > 1:12:54so that when I'm tucking in to it she thinks that I'm hard as nails!
1:12:54 > 1:12:56"Would sir like cheese and pineapple with that?"
1:12:56 > 1:12:59Why would anyone want cheese and pineapple with chicken,
1:12:59 > 1:13:00it makes no logical sense!
1:13:00 > 1:13:03Her food has arrived. She's ordered it with two sides.
1:13:03 > 1:13:08One of Macho Peas, one of witty repartee!
1:13:08 > 1:13:12Right now she's eating out of the palm of my hand.
1:13:12 > 1:13:15Mainly because I've forgotten to get the fucking cutlery
1:13:15 > 1:13:16from the desk once again.
1:13:16 > 1:13:18But it doesn't matter,
1:13:18 > 1:13:19it's now make-or-break time.
1:13:19 > 1:13:22She's about to ask the question that every girl will ask you
1:13:22 > 1:13:24if you take them on a date to Nando's.
1:13:24 > 1:13:26She looks longingly and lovingly into my eyes and says,
1:13:26 > 1:13:31"Jack, tell me, what's Peri-Peri?" Ooh!
1:13:31 > 1:13:32A very good question.
1:13:32 > 1:13:34Oh, and I will let you in to a little secret -
1:13:34 > 1:13:38it is a question that nobody actually knows the answer to,
1:13:38 > 1:13:40so you can make up whatever the fuck you like.
1:13:40 > 1:13:42She's still going to be impressed.
1:13:42 > 1:13:45Peri-Peri, my dear, is a blend of aromatic spices
1:13:45 > 1:13:49bonded together by the tears of Portuguese widows
1:13:49 > 1:13:51that have lost their husbands at sea.
1:13:51 > 1:13:56El hombre is still morte! And she's mine!
1:13:56 > 1:13:57Nando's - great!
1:13:57 > 1:14:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:14:08 > 1:14:11She didn't want Nando's.
1:14:11 > 1:14:13She didn't want me. I went out,
1:14:13 > 1:14:15fancy-dress party,
1:14:15 > 1:14:17got completely rat-arsed, right?
1:14:17 > 1:14:20Came back to her flat about three o'clock in the morning,
1:14:20 > 1:14:22smashing on her door.
1:14:23 > 1:14:25She let me in at about four.
1:14:26 > 1:14:28We went upstairs.
1:14:28 > 1:14:31And she broke up with me, then and there.
1:14:31 > 1:14:33And the reason that she gave,
1:14:33 > 1:14:35for splitting up with me -
1:14:35 > 1:14:37get ready for this...
1:14:37 > 1:14:40She said that apparently I...
1:14:40 > 1:14:42was too immature.
1:14:44 > 1:14:46Which is such a...
1:14:46 > 1:14:48gay thing to say.
1:14:49 > 1:14:50Mmmh!
1:14:52 > 1:14:56Cos there is nothing in the world you can say
1:14:56 > 1:14:58in response to a girl
1:14:58 > 1:15:01when they've just split up with you for being too immature...
1:15:01 > 1:15:06when you are stood in their flat
1:15:06 > 1:15:08at four o'clock in the morning,
1:15:08 > 1:15:11pissed off your tits,
1:15:11 > 1:15:15crying - and I mean uncontrollably crying,
1:15:15 > 1:15:17I mean getting kicked in the bollocks with a football
1:15:17 > 1:15:21to the power of Mufasa dying in Lion King tears.
1:15:23 > 1:15:26That are uncontrollably tumbling down your beak
1:15:26 > 1:15:31in a large Jagermeister-sodden chicken costume,
1:15:31 > 1:15:33having just walked in,
1:15:33 > 1:15:36and boasted that you've just been thrown out of a KFC
1:15:36 > 1:15:40for storming in and demanding to have your children back.
1:15:40 > 1:15:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1:15:42 > 1:15:44# Lonely
1:15:44 > 1:15:46# I'm Mr Lonely
1:15:46 > 1:15:48# I have nobody
1:15:48 > 1:15:51# For my own
1:15:51 > 1:15:54# I am so lonely... #
1:15:54 > 1:15:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1:16:14 > 1:16:15So...
1:16:15 > 1:16:17Who's immature now?
1:16:17 > 1:16:19LAUGHTER
1:16:19 > 1:16:21Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely wonderful.
1:16:21 > 1:16:24Thank you so much for coming out to see my show this evening.
1:16:24 > 1:16:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1:16:29 > 1:16:31Now, one thing.
1:16:31 > 1:16:33Before I go now, some of you who have seen me before
1:16:33 > 1:16:36will know that quite a lot of the time when I'm on stage,
1:16:36 > 1:16:37and indeed television,
1:16:37 > 1:16:39I spend quite a lot of my time
1:16:39 > 1:16:43talking about someone that I grew up with,
1:16:43 > 1:16:44that I attended the same school as,
1:16:44 > 1:16:47and pouring quite a lot of scorn upon said person.
1:16:47 > 1:16:51That person is Robert Pattinson.
1:16:51 > 1:16:54The renowned Hollywood actor,
1:16:54 > 1:16:57star of the Twilight films, who I went to school with,
1:16:57 > 1:16:58and was better than me at school
1:16:58 > 1:17:00and is indeed probably better than me now.
1:17:00 > 1:17:03But let me tell you, this evening I will not be slagging him off,
1:17:03 > 1:17:05because I am over it, all right?
1:17:05 > 1:17:08I've dealt with it, I've faced my own demons,
1:17:08 > 1:17:10and I'm not bitter any more.
1:17:10 > 1:17:11So...
1:17:11 > 1:17:13- HE COUGHS - Team Jacob.
1:17:13 > 1:17:14LAUGHTER
1:17:14 > 1:17:16Now, what...
1:17:18 > 1:17:19What I thought I'd do instead
1:17:19 > 1:17:21is give him, in many ways,
1:17:21 > 1:17:23the right to reply.
1:17:23 > 1:17:27Because I went out and I got hold of
1:17:27 > 1:17:30every single autobiography and biography
1:17:30 > 1:17:34that's ever been written on Robert Pattinson.
1:17:34 > 1:17:36And I will end this evening
1:17:36 > 1:17:39by reading to you a couple of extracts
1:17:39 > 1:17:43from one of these tomes of shit.
1:17:44 > 1:17:45Lock the doors.
1:17:45 > 1:17:48We're in for the long haul.
1:17:48 > 1:17:50So this is the book that I'm going to end the show
1:17:50 > 1:17:52by reading to you from.
1:17:52 > 1:17:57Robert Pattinson: A Biography, by Victoria Blackburn.
1:17:57 > 1:17:5919.99.
1:17:59 > 1:18:00Bit of a steal!
1:18:00 > 1:18:03Literally - I shoplifted all of those.
1:18:05 > 1:18:08And I will be reading to you from the section, the chapter,
1:18:08 > 1:18:10entitled Rob At School.
1:18:10 > 1:18:13"Rob At School."
1:18:13 > 1:18:16LAUGHTER
1:18:16 > 1:18:19CHEERING
1:18:20 > 1:18:24Although it's about when I was at school with Rob, together,
1:18:24 > 1:18:26I'm not actually mentioned at any point in the book.
1:18:26 > 1:18:29Which is fine, cos I didn't want to be in your shit book anyway.
1:18:29 > 1:18:31So, here we are.
1:18:31 > 1:18:33Chapter Rob At School.
1:18:33 > 1:18:36"Rob's school friend Hugo
1:18:36 > 1:18:40"remembers how Rob was forever larking around..."
1:18:40 > 1:18:42Ha! What a larker!
1:18:44 > 1:18:45What a fucking larker!
1:18:47 > 1:18:51"'Rob was made lunch monitor,'" recalls Hugo,
1:18:51 > 1:18:53"'but it wasn't a role he ever took seriously.
1:18:53 > 1:18:57"'He used to pinch everyone's chips in the queue.'"
1:18:57 > 1:19:00How funny - stealing people's chips in the queue!
1:19:00 > 1:19:05I went hungry every fucking lunch time!
1:19:07 > 1:19:09We move on.
1:19:10 > 1:19:13"Although Rob's now a Hollywood heart-throb..."
1:19:13 > 1:19:15Bleurgh!
1:19:16 > 1:19:19"..he also has a softer side.
1:19:19 > 1:19:23"Rob admits to having quite a few phobias,
1:19:23 > 1:19:25"which are listed below."
1:19:25 > 1:19:28Ooh, Robert Pattinson's phobias.
1:19:28 > 1:19:31I wonder what these will be(!)
1:19:31 > 1:19:33Maybe one of them's acting.
1:19:33 > 1:19:36LAUGHTER
1:19:36 > 1:19:38APPLAUSE
1:19:42 > 1:19:44- I like this bit! - HE SNIGGERS
1:19:44 > 1:19:48"One - Robert Pattinson's Phobias.
1:19:48 > 1:19:49"Heights."
1:19:49 > 1:19:51Ooh, scary.
1:19:52 > 1:19:56Probably couldn't have pulled off a stunt like that!
1:19:56 > 1:19:58CHEERING
1:19:58 > 1:20:00"Two - darkness."
1:20:00 > 1:20:03Ooh!
1:20:04 > 1:20:07"Three - flying."
1:20:07 > 1:20:10So, so far, it's not great for a vampire, is it?
1:20:13 > 1:20:15"Four - driving.
1:20:15 > 1:20:17"Five - getting stabbed."
1:20:17 > 1:20:19Right, getting stabbed is not a phobia.
1:20:19 > 1:20:20Yeah, I wouldn't be keen
1:20:20 > 1:20:23if someone just walked up to me in the middle of the street
1:20:23 > 1:20:25and started stabbing me for no reason,
1:20:25 > 1:20:28but I wouldn't list it as a specific phobia.
1:20:28 > 1:20:32And therefore, what, are we meant to assume that anything that's not on Robert's stupid list of phobias
1:20:32 > 1:20:35is something Robert's not afraid of?!
1:20:35 > 1:20:36LAUGHTER
1:20:38 > 1:20:41"Six - floating." Floating!
1:20:41 > 1:20:44Having seen your performance in Water For Elephants,
1:20:44 > 1:20:47your acting is so wooden you would probably float.
1:20:48 > 1:20:51"Three - school is where Robert discovered his love of acting.
1:20:51 > 1:20:53"One of his earliest roles
1:20:53 > 1:20:56"was one of the leads in a school production of The Crucible
1:20:56 > 1:20:58"in which he wowed both pupils and teachers alike...
1:20:58 > 1:21:01"although many say that night he was somewhat overshadowed
1:21:01 > 1:21:04"by the performance of the child playing Villager Six
1:21:04 > 1:21:06"dressed as Robin fucking Hood!"
1:21:08 > 1:21:10CHEERING
1:21:20 > 1:21:22Paraphrasing a little...
1:21:24 > 1:21:26I'm going to end on this little section here.
1:21:26 > 1:21:29We've all had a very jolly time this evening,
1:21:29 > 1:21:30it's all been very fun,
1:21:30 > 1:21:33but this bit is very serious, OK?
1:21:33 > 1:21:34Because I'm about to read you
1:21:34 > 1:21:37the section of Robert Pattinson's biography,
1:21:37 > 1:21:41which deals with the very sensitive subject of bullying.
1:21:41 > 1:21:44GENTLE LAUGHTER
1:21:44 > 1:21:48I don't know why there is sniggering over there.
1:21:50 > 1:21:52This is the serious bit.
1:21:52 > 1:21:54There will be no sniggers allowed.
1:21:56 > 1:21:59It's the first time I've ever said that phrase out loud.
1:21:59 > 1:22:01You realise with "no sniggers allowed",
1:22:01 > 1:22:03one slip of the tongue with that and you are fucked.
1:22:10 > 1:22:12Look, I don't want anyone thinking, here or at home,
1:22:12 > 1:22:14that I'm making light of bullying,
1:22:14 > 1:22:16because I'm not making light of bullying.
1:22:16 > 1:22:19You know, I'm a big supporter of anti-bullying.
1:22:19 > 1:22:22I actually bought one of those anti-bullying charity wristbands
1:22:22 > 1:22:24when they first came out. So...
1:22:24 > 1:22:27I say bought, I stole it off a fat ginger kid. But...
1:22:27 > 1:22:30LAUGHTER
1:22:30 > 1:22:34Serious, please. "Bullying..."
1:22:40 > 1:22:43"It was not all plain sailing for Rob."
1:22:44 > 1:22:46"Although difficult to imagine,
1:22:46 > 1:22:50"Rob was actually bullied at school."
1:22:50 > 1:22:53HE FIGHTS BACK TEARS
1:22:53 > 1:22:56"In a recent interview with the press,
1:22:56 > 1:22:58"he recalled how once, at school, in year eight,
1:22:58 > 1:23:01"someone..." Some bastard!
1:23:04 > 1:23:06"..stole...
1:23:06 > 1:23:09"the shoelaces from his gym shoes."
1:23:12 > 1:23:15"But he didn't let it get to him,
1:23:15 > 1:23:18"he just carried on wearing them without."
1:23:19 > 1:23:22- Who's laughing now? - CHEERING
1:23:25 > 1:23:28Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Good night!
1:23:32 > 1:23:37# Walking on, walking on broken glass
1:23:39 > 1:23:45# Walking on, walking on broken glass
1:23:50 > 1:23:54# You were the sweetest thing
1:23:54 > 1:23:58# That I ever knew
1:23:58 > 1:24:02# But I don't care for sugar, honey
1:24:02 > 1:24:07# If I can't have you
1:24:07 > 1:24:11# Since you've abandoned me
1:24:11 > 1:24:14# My whole life has crashed... #
1:24:16 > 1:24:19Ooh, hi, Jack!
1:24:29 > 1:24:32- Hey.- Hi. Pop your seat belt on.
1:24:35 > 1:24:38- It's Book At Bedtime.- Oh, great.
1:24:39 > 1:24:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd