:00:00. > :00:00.This programme contains strong language.
:00:07. > :00:09.Good evening, I'm Michael Whitehall, Jack's dad.
:00:10. > :00:14.And I've been asked to make one or two announcements about this show.
:00:15. > :00:22.Jack attracts the most terrible load of riffraff, doesn't he?
:00:23. > :00:27.Now, mobile phones, all off. My wife gave me a mobile phone recently.
:00:28. > :00:30.Absolutely outrageous. And it goes off all the time.
:00:31. > :00:35.she doesn't know how to switch it off.
:00:36. > :00:44.Don't want to downing your loads onto some Twatbook
:00:45. > :00:47.or whatever you call it. Cos that's not permitted.
:00:48. > :00:52.that there will be a lot of bad language in this show,
:00:53. > :00:58.because I always say to Jack, the more bad language he uses,
:00:59. > :01:01.the more it makes him sound like a complete wanker.
:01:02. > :01:06.There are also, as you would expect, adult themes, sex,
:01:07. > :01:11.all that sort of stuff. Which, again, is so classic of Jack.
:01:12. > :01:16.Slags, basically, I've always thought.
:01:17. > :01:18.Anyway, when the show gets to its interval,
:01:19. > :01:22.which I'm sure many of you will be looking forward to,
:01:23. > :01:24.don't leave it too late to get to the bar
:01:25. > :01:31.So rush there, and don't go anywhere near the wine which is ghastly.
:01:32. > :01:34.Go in for the gin and tonics, vodkas, that kind of stuff.
:01:35. > :01:38.So, enjoy the show. That's the end of my contribution.
:01:39. > :01:42.And buy the DVD if you haven't already bought it.
:01:43. > :01:47.But why you could conceivably think it was worth buying I cannot think,
:01:48. > :01:51.when there are so many really good DVDs out there on the market.
:01:52. > :01:55.I mean, you could buy the new rerelease of Colditz,
:01:56. > :01:58.you could go for The Forsyte Saga or World At War, I see,
:01:59. > :02:04.The Onedin Line with my dear friend Anne Stallybrass.
:02:05. > :02:08.Andrew Marr's new series about the canals of Britain,
:02:09. > :02:13.the original Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, which was, I tell you,
:02:14. > :02:15.a hell of a lot better than the current one.
:02:16. > :02:25...To The Manor Born, you could get that on DVD, with Penelope Keith
:02:26. > :02:28.and Peter Bowles. Now, there's a comedian for you.
:02:29. > :02:31.And, of course, anything with Nigel Havers.
:02:32. > :02:40.The Cook Report, there's another show that...fantastic...
:02:41. > :02:46.MUSIC: "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses
:02:47. > :03:48.# Feel my... # MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
:03:49. > :03:50.I saw Al Murray do that the beginning of his DVD
:03:51. > :03:57.good evening and welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo!
:03:58. > :04:01.CHEERING Oh!
:04:02. > :04:04.Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out.
:04:05. > :04:07.We're in Hammersmith, we're in London, my endz, oh yeah!
:04:08. > :04:09.Anyone in from Hammersmith? Give me a cheer.
:04:10. > :04:11.CHEERING A couple of you!
:04:12. > :04:13.I love Hammersmith, Hammersmith is a great place.
:04:14. > :04:18.Hammersmith Palais, one of my favourite nightclubs
:04:19. > :04:21.back in the day, that's where the after party is tonight!
:04:22. > :04:25.The only club in the country that makes Tiger Tiger look classy.
:04:26. > :04:29.MAN: Wheyyy! Course he has, look at him!
:04:30. > :04:35.You look like you could spike a drink just by looking at, mate.
:04:36. > :04:37.I love it. Great drinks offers as well.
:04:38. > :04:41.You buy two Jagerbombs, you get the morning after pill for free, class.
:04:42. > :04:43.So let's find out about this beautiful audience
:04:44. > :04:47.All the ladies, can you make some noise?
:04:48. > :04:56.Yeah, great, got some guys in, some proper men.
:04:57. > :05:00.Had to sit right down the front just to accommodate
:05:01. > :05:07."Bought two tickets for tonight, one for me and one for the twins."
:05:08. > :05:22.Darren. Darren, yeah, proper ... man's name!
:05:23. > :05:24.What do you do, Darren? Work in a factory, lifting.
:05:25. > :05:28.Oh, yes! Darren, you have not let me down.
:05:29. > :05:30.And you're wearing the suit, I like that,
:05:31. > :05:33.you've got the shaved head but you're still rocking the suit.
:05:34. > :05:36.You look like a footballer on his way to court up on rape allegations,
:05:37. > :05:42.Because I'd love to be like you, a real man.
:05:43. > :05:45.Because I love men... Not love men, that came out wrong.
:05:46. > :05:48.I'd love to be a real man like Darren and my man here,
:05:49. > :05:52.lumberjack shirt, three buttons undone, the chest is bursting out.
:05:53. > :05:56.Real man like you, I'd love to be like you, a real man like you.
:05:57. > :05:58.Because it's hard for us, isn't it, sir? No!
:05:59. > :06:01.Camp men like ourselves, we get it tough.
:06:02. > :06:04.You wouldn't know where to start with bleeding a radiator
:06:05. > :06:07.but I bet you make an incredible bechamel sauce, am I right?
:06:08. > :06:11.Yeah! Stick a bay leaf in, I know your tricks.
:06:12. > :06:16.and all the ladies are here tonight, because this is my show.
:06:17. > :06:19.This is my show, I've been touring it, been all round the country.
:06:20. > :06:23.I went to Bristol, that was the last stop on my tour,
:06:24. > :06:25.went to the West Country. Love the West Country.
:06:26. > :06:28.Anyone in from the West Country? Nice! Great.
:06:29. > :06:31.Very laid-back pace of life there in the West Country,
:06:32. > :06:34.I had trouble getting down there, truth be told.
:06:35. > :06:36.I was on the train on the way to Bristol,
:06:37. > :06:39.the train went through this place called Bedwyn, OK?
:06:40. > :06:40.Now, not many of you will know Bedwyn.
:06:41. > :06:44.Bedwyn is a tiny rural village right in the middle of Wiltshire.
:06:45. > :06:46.The only time you might have heard of Bedwyn
:06:47. > :06:48.is it was once on an episode of Time Team.
:06:49. > :06:50.Really good dig, actually, I watched it.
:06:51. > :06:53.In one of the trenches, Baldrick, right,
:06:54. > :06:57.he found the remains of a woman that had been burnt as a witch.
:06:58. > :07:03.So I'm in a little place, Little Bedwyn, on the train,
:07:04. > :07:06.all of a sudden the train stops and the PA system comes on.
:07:07. > :07:09.It's the conductor. He is like, "Ladies and gentlemen,
:07:10. > :07:12."unfortunately this train is now being evacuated
:07:13. > :07:26.I suspect Al-Qaeda might have slightly higher priorities
:07:27. > :07:29.on their hitlist than rural Wiltshire!
:07:30. > :07:33.Also, I thought, terrorism, that's done, we've dealt with that now,
:07:34. > :07:36.it's not an issue any more. I watch the news, I listen to it.
:07:37. > :07:38.There was a guy on the news recently, an expert
:07:39. > :07:46.obesity is now a bigger threat to this country than Al-Qaeda.
:07:47. > :07:50.What would you rather have sat opposite you
:07:51. > :07:54.on the tube on your way home tonight?
:07:55. > :07:56.Some mental guy with a beard and a 100-yard stare
:07:57. > :08:03.or just a jolly little fat kid with a backpack full of Quavers?
:08:04. > :08:08.and they were still trying to take away my toiletries.
:08:09. > :08:12.I was like, "Madam, have you not seen the news?
:08:13. > :08:15."Mr Bin Laden has been shot and dumped at sea!
:08:16. > :08:18."There are now far more pressing issues at hand
:08:19. > :08:23."like the war on dry skin! This exfoliator is coming on, bitch!"
:08:24. > :08:28.You know what I'm talking about, eh? Clarins, natural glow.
:08:29. > :08:32.So we're carted out, at Bedwyn station,
:08:33. > :08:34.we all get carted out onto the station platform.
:08:35. > :08:38.It's freezing cold, it's Sunday night as well, to add insult to injury.
:08:39. > :08:42.So we're all there feeling pretty depressed, tutting away.
:08:43. > :08:45."Sunday night, missed the X Factor results show, this is so shit."
:08:46. > :08:55.Danny Dyer's Top 10 Ways To Kick A Dog.
:08:56. > :09:10.And I'm stood there, and the guy from National Rail
:09:11. > :09:12.comes out to address the assembled crowd.
:09:13. > :09:15.And I could tell that he was excited. This was his big moment.
:09:16. > :09:18.He'd worked at Bedwyn station for his entire life, he was pumped.
:09:19. > :09:21.He walks out, and he's trying to sound intimidating as well,
:09:22. > :09:25.which simply doesn't work if you've got a West Country accent.
:09:26. > :09:29.watch that docudrama they had on Fred West on ITV.
:09:30. > :09:32.It documented the life of one of the most evil serial killers
:09:33. > :09:35.this country's ever seen but at no point were you ever scared
:09:36. > :09:38."What did you do with her next, Mr West?"
:09:39. > :09:42.WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "I chopped her up and I put her in a bin liner!"
:09:43. > :09:48.So out he comes, Mr National Rail. He's ready for his moment.
:09:49. > :09:50.Clears his throat, he's like, "Ladies and gentlemen,
:09:51. > :09:55."unfortunately all of the trains from this station will now be delayed
:09:56. > :10:00."because I have personally spotted on platform two
:10:01. > :10:07.To which the massive posh guy next to me shouts back at him,
:10:08. > :10:09."Well, put it on the train to Swindon,
:10:10. > :10:18.I got there in the end, I got to Bristol in the end.
:10:19. > :10:21.I went to a farmers' market in Bristol,
:10:22. > :10:25.Not like the farmers' markets you get in London.
:10:26. > :10:28.There's a farmers' market in Highgate I went to recently,
:10:29. > :10:32.There's a woman called Araminta who has a cheese stall.
:10:33. > :10:35.You go up, "What would you care for today, sir?
:10:36. > :10:37."I have this goat's cheese from the scorched valleys of Tuscany,
:10:38. > :10:42."or maybe you'll prefer this Gruyere from the Alpine peaks?"
:10:43. > :10:45.I picked up a bit of cheese at the Fishponds farmers' market in Bristol,
:10:46. > :10:51.I asked the man where it was from, he went, "A FARM!"
:10:52. > :10:57.That's not to say Bristol as a place is not impervious
:10:58. > :11:00.to a little bit of pretentiousness, because Bristol, as we all know,
:11:01. > :11:03.is the home of one of the worst breed of girls you will ever find,
:11:04. > :11:13.And that girl is the lesser spotted Did I Tell You About My Gap Year.
:11:14. > :11:30."Me and my friend Vascheri, who's ethnic, by the way,
:11:31. > :11:32."did I mention? And Cassandra, who didn't get into Leeds
:11:33. > :11:36."so she went to Liverpool which means she's so good with foreign languages,
:11:37. > :11:39."we just tottered round Tibet smoking the most amazing Thai grass
:11:40. > :11:44."And we found the most wonderful little monastery on the foot
:11:45. > :11:47."of Mount Hicha-picha-nacha-foccacia-arddurrrn,
:11:48. > :11:52."and we stayed there for weeks just helping the orphans."
:11:53. > :11:58.You just think, haven't the orphans suffered enough?
:11:59. > :12:02.I'm not having a go at charity work, though, I'm not.
:12:03. > :12:07.Look, I did, I actually did some charity work when I left my school.
:12:08. > :12:10.I don't want to, you know, show off, but it was pretty amazing what I did.
:12:11. > :12:12.Just a couple of weeks' volunteer work in a special needs
:12:13. > :12:17.school for children, just playing games with them, football, tennis.
:12:18. > :12:21.And it does actually make you feel really good inside.
:12:22. > :12:31.So that was the West Country, I went to the West Country.
:12:32. > :12:33.I went to Scotland, I went to Glasgow.
:12:34. > :12:42.I love Glasgow, Glasgow's a great place, quite a tough city though.
:12:43. > :12:45.Glasgow's the only place I've ever been where you see toddlers
:12:46. > :12:49.so they don't rip off Rottweilers' faces.
:12:50. > :12:53.But I arrived in Glasgow and I decided, right, what I needed
:12:54. > :12:57.and start my day by getting a proper breakfast.
:12:58. > :12:59.I needed some energy, some food inside me.
:13:00. > :13:02.So I set off into the central of Glasgow
:13:03. > :13:08.sort of traditional greasy spoon Scottish cafe.
:13:09. > :13:11.I walked in, there was a very dour-looking Scottish waiter,
:13:12. > :13:16.staring at me, wishing that I was dead with every fibre of his being.
:13:17. > :13:19.I sat down and I ordered myself a big, big bowl
:13:20. > :13:24.of bircher muesli with all the fruits.
:13:25. > :13:26.And I took out my laptop and I just started typing away,
:13:27. > :13:31.just having it... Yeah, that's how I type. It's a pedal-assisted laptop.
:13:32. > :13:35.And I was there, typing away, on my laptop,
:13:36. > :13:38.and then, I made the fatal error, right,
:13:39. > :13:41.of asking my newfound Scottish chum, the waiter,
:13:42. > :13:44.To which he looked at me as if to say,
:13:45. > :13:48."I haven't even got access to my fucking kids."
:13:49. > :13:54.So at this point, I wasn't feeling particularly well loved.
:13:55. > :13:58.And then, thank God, the best thing that could possibly happen
:13:59. > :14:07.And all of a sudden, I was no longer public enemy number one.
:14:08. > :14:11.As soon as this woman waddled in the shop, "Hey, Marty, come in here,
:14:12. > :14:14."they're definitely going to have waffles."
:14:15. > :14:21."She's as welcome in here as a bowl of couscous!
:14:22. > :14:23."I'm going to take a shit in her omelette!"
:14:24. > :14:28.She sits down, she's eating really loudly, she's slurping on her coffee.
:14:29. > :14:31.She gets to the end of her coffee, she slams it down and start clicking
:14:32. > :14:35.at the waiter, I'm like, "Oh my God, this shit's going to get messy."
:14:36. > :14:38.She's like, "Sir, sir, come over here. I've finished my coffee.
:14:39. > :14:43."I will now have my free refill of coffee."
:14:44. > :14:52.He looked at her like she had just ordered dead baby soup,
:14:53. > :14:57.And he couldn't even formulate a response.
:14:58. > :15:00.He wanted to say something but no sentences came out of his mouth.
:15:01. > :15:03.After a minute of just aching and squealing, eventually,
:15:04. > :15:10.She, cool as a cucumber, goes, "Sir, sir.
:15:11. > :15:19."I'm going to give you a little reality check here. OK?
:15:20. > :15:27.In front of everyone, he looks her dead in the eye,
:15:28. > :15:30.People were applauding him, patting him on the back.
:15:31. > :15:32.There was a guy in the corner of the cafe in a wheelchair
:15:33. > :15:39.that stood up to shout "Freedom!" as she waddled out the cafe.
:15:40. > :15:41.Cos that's the thing, isn't it? There are some things, right,
:15:42. > :15:44.that I don't think will ever make the cultural crossover.
:15:45. > :15:47.We're so similar to Americans in many ways but some things,
:15:48. > :15:52.Like customer service, for example. They love that in America.
:15:53. > :15:56.We will never have that in the UK. We don't do customer service.
:15:57. > :15:58.And I think that should be celebrated.
:15:59. > :16:01.Cos I do not like customer service. I think it's an ugly thing.
:16:02. > :16:04.I like going into a shop anywhere in this country
:16:05. > :16:13.Phone shopping, for example. Phone shopping here is so easy.
:16:14. > :16:16.You walk into the Carphone Warehouse, you know the drill,
:16:17. > :16:19.you're going to get ignored for days.
:16:20. > :16:22.There'll be a corpse at the counter where some elderly man
:16:23. > :16:25.has gone in and tried to upgrade without his wife there to help.
:16:26. > :16:29.it's going be from some patronising little teenager in a suit,
:16:30. > :16:33."How many minutes you talking in a month, bruv?"
:16:34. > :16:41.But when you leave the shop, you feel like you've earned your phone.
:16:42. > :16:44.I had to go to the Apple store recently in New York.
:16:45. > :16:50.Before you even have your foot in the threshold of the door,
:16:51. > :16:53.there's some wanktard with a fringe in your face.
:16:54. > :16:56."Hey, buddy, my name's Drew. How's your day been going, hombre?
:16:57. > :16:59."What brings you to the Apple Store today?"
:17:00. > :17:04.I'm here to buy a phone, not make a friend, fuck off.
:17:05. > :17:06.They applaud the first customer in of the day.
:17:07. > :17:09.The Apple Store in New York, they all stand around clapping
:17:10. > :17:12.like dickheads as he walks into the shop. "Whoo, we love you, man!
:17:13. > :17:18.At my local T-Mobile, the only customer that's getting applauded
:17:19. > :17:30."Thank fuck you've gone, we're going down the pub, you BlackBerry wanker!"
:17:31. > :17:34.And it works both ways as well. I had to get a train when I was in America.
:17:35. > :17:38.I got onto the platform and on the platform they had a poster.
:17:39. > :17:40.On this poster was one of the American Rail employees.
:17:41. > :17:42.She was this woman, she was all made up,
:17:43. > :17:47.her eyes were full of hope and life. She had a smile on her face.
:17:48. > :17:50.And then underneath it, a little slogan.
:17:51. > :17:53."Hey, you got enough snacks for the journey? Enjoy your trip!"
:17:54. > :17:59.Compare that to the posters that you get on every single station
:18:00. > :18:02.platform up and down this great country. What do you get?
:18:03. > :18:05.You get the picture of a National Rail employee
:18:06. > :18:19.Then underneath it, "Please don't hit our staff!"
:18:20. > :18:25.I'm depressed as well that I even have to go to the Apple store.
:18:26. > :18:29.Because I never wanted that from my life. I was perfectly content before.
:18:30. > :18:31.I was a non-iPhone user and I was happy.
:18:32. > :18:33.But like all non-iPhone users, eventually,
:18:34. > :18:39.I gave in, I listened to them. I gave in to the iPhone Nazis.
:18:40. > :18:41.These people that force you to get it,
:18:42. > :18:43.they make you buy it and they lie to you.
:18:44. > :18:46.They don't tell you about the bad shit, only the good things.
:18:47. > :18:48.They don't say, "This phone IS amazing,
:18:49. > :18:51."but unfortunately it has a battery life of 20 seconds.
:18:52. > :18:54."It's a smart phone, smart phone, you need to get a smart phone."
:18:55. > :18:57.Fuck a smart phone! Do you know what I wish I still had? A dumb phone.
:18:58. > :19:00.That's what I like. A phone where I knew where I stood.
:19:01. > :19:03.You know the phone I wish I still had? The Nokia 3310.
:19:04. > :19:07.CHEERING That was a phone!
:19:08. > :19:11.Fuck the iPhone with all of its apps and its maps and its GPS shit.
:19:12. > :19:27.The most pretentious the 3310 got is when it upgraded itself to the 3330.
:19:28. > :19:31.The only thing they added to that model was a currency converter
:19:32. > :19:36.on a phone that didn't even work abroad.
:19:37. > :19:40.No pretension with, like, predictive text messaging.
:19:41. > :19:43.Predictive text messaging on the 3310 was bliss.
:19:44. > :19:48.that was more than, like, five letters long, it would give up.
:19:49. > :19:51.It was like it was saying, "Yeah, you want to use poncey, fancy,
:19:52. > :19:55."prick language like that, you're on your own, knobhead!"
:19:56. > :19:58.Not with the iPhone. Where does the iPhone get this vocabulary?
:19:59. > :20:01.Constantly jumping to conclusions. Nobody fucking talks like that.
:20:02. > :20:04.It doesn't matter what you put into the bloody thing, you're like,
:20:05. > :20:14.Basically, I'm trying to become a little bit more of a grown-up.
:20:15. > :20:17.This is a big thing in my life, OK, Hammersmith?
:20:18. > :20:19.I've had some quite big changes that have been going on.
:20:20. > :20:22.One of these I'm really proud to share with you this evening,
:20:23. > :20:26.is that basically, I am no longer living at home with my mother.
:20:27. > :20:32.CHEERING I know!
:20:33. > :20:34.And I'm doing shit that I never thought I would do.
:20:35. > :20:41.I invited a friend over for a cup of tea, cos that's what I do now.
:20:42. > :20:46.and take class As and finger people by bins, that's over.
:20:47. > :20:52.we drink herbal tea and we watch Eggheads, so fuck you, CJ.
:20:53. > :20:56.So I invited my friend round, hand her this herbal tea,
:20:57. > :20:58.she goes to put it down on the coffee table.
:20:59. > :21:00.Before that mug has made contact with the coffee table,
:21:01. > :21:06.I'm not the coaster guy, all of a sudden, I'm the coaster guy.
:21:07. > :21:09.And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
:21:10. > :21:18.and I saw a light bulb flicker and go out
:21:19. > :21:32.I got a chair out, I changed a... I changed a lightbulb!
:21:33. > :21:35.Compare that to me in my student flat three years ago.
:21:36. > :21:38.If I was sat in a room and a light bulb flickered and went out,
:21:39. > :21:41.my instant response was this. Oh, fuck.
:21:42. > :21:48.We're only going to be able to use this room in the day now.
:21:49. > :21:50.So my grown-up living was going very well, going very well,
:21:51. > :21:53.my grown-up living, in my flat, with my coasters and everything.
:21:54. > :21:56.But then it took a little bit of a nosedive because I realised
:21:57. > :22:00.there was one thing I no longer had which I really relied on.
:22:01. > :22:05.Because I will be the first to admit, Hammersmith,
:22:06. > :22:07.I'm a massive mummy's boy. My mum is incredible.
:22:08. > :22:11.I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my mum.
:22:12. > :22:16.No, but when I first started doing stand-up and stuff,
:22:17. > :22:19.I was too young to drive, for example.
:22:20. > :22:21.So my mum used to drive me to all of my gigs.
:22:22. > :22:23.She'd drive me there, I'd do the show, she'd wait outside
:22:24. > :22:26.and then she'd take me back afterwards. So...
:22:27. > :22:32.It meant it was quite hard to pick up ladies after shows.
:22:33. > :22:34.Yeah, you want to come back to my crib, babe?
:22:35. > :22:36.My ride's outside, it's the Volvo estate.
:22:37. > :22:49.But I realised, I didn't have my mum any more, I didn't have my mum.
:22:50. > :22:53.And I decided what I was going to do, OK, this was my idea,
:22:54. > :22:58.I thought I could start dating my mum.
:22:59. > :23:01.Not my actual mum, that sounds weird.
:23:02. > :23:03.No, I mean a version of my mum, there would obviously be
:23:04. > :23:06.a sexual aspect to it as well that there wasn't with my real mum...
:23:07. > :23:13.Which is not to say when I was living at home with my mum,
:23:14. > :23:17.And that was my mum had garnered the greatest weapon
:23:18. > :23:24.that any woman can have in any relationship with a man.
:23:25. > :23:28.Cos men, they just want to have sex all the time.
:23:29. > :23:30.Like, how old are you over there in the T-shirt? How old are you?
:23:31. > :23:34.Me? 19. 19, you must be like a fucking ball of spunk.
:23:35. > :23:37.You haven't been listening to a word I've been saying
:23:38. > :23:45.when you can clamber onto the stage and fuck that E!
:23:46. > :23:48.But we do, we want sex all the time. We're animalistic.
:23:49. > :23:51.And if a woman can turn around and be like, "No cum for you,"
:23:52. > :23:55.you have control. I realise that's not how women do it.
:23:56. > :24:00."Do you want to make love?" "No cum for you!"
:24:01. > :24:02.But my mum did, she tried to stop me from having sex
:24:03. > :24:06.And it wasn't that she...she didn't mind me having sex elsewhere,
:24:07. > :24:11.Like, I remember I went away on my first ever stag weekend
:24:12. > :24:20.My mum helped me pack my bag. In the front pocket, my mum put 30 condoms.
:24:21. > :24:29.I counted them went I came back, there were 31.
:24:30. > :24:31.But it was sex in her house that she wasn't happy with.
:24:32. > :24:36.a whole arsenal of ways of stopping me from having sex in her house.
:24:37. > :24:40.The first thing she did was try and de-sexualise my bedroom.
:24:41. > :24:42.She thinks I didn't notice, it was so obvious.
:24:43. > :24:46.The longer I'd been going out with a girl, the more children's toys
:24:47. > :24:48.would suddenly appear littered on the floor.
:24:49. > :24:52.Family photographs adorning every single mantelpiece.
:24:53. > :24:55.A massive framed picture of my creepy uncle above the bed.
:24:56. > :24:57.And this huge mound of cushions as well,
:24:58. > :25:01.towered high over the bedspread, that you'd have to hack through
:25:02. > :25:02.before you can even get into the sheets.
:25:03. > :25:05.They all had little things embroidered on them
:25:06. > :25:09."Home sweet home," "Mummy knows best,"
:25:10. > :25:13."Daddy's under the bed." What the fuck?
:25:14. > :25:26.And it didn't stop there. Didn't stop there, no.
:25:27. > :25:32.And it's not like I was having loud sex on it as well.
:25:33. > :25:37.I don't know why I'm looking at you there, Darren, I'm sorry.
:25:38. > :25:40.I was trying to have the quietest sex that I could possibly have.
:25:41. > :25:45.I was very conscious that my mum was beneath me. Not beneath, no, no!
:25:46. > :25:53.Anyway, stealth sex, that's what I used to call it. Proper stealth sex.
:25:54. > :25:56.Me and my girlfriend at the time, we'd be having sex so quietly
:25:57. > :26:00.we were doing it like... like we were Anne Frank's parents.
:26:01. > :26:13.Yeah! She didn't put that in the diary.
:26:14. > :26:16.You can't do anything fun as well. Can't do anything experimental.
:26:17. > :26:18.If I came home from a night out, little bit tipsy maybe,
:26:19. > :26:21.she might be like, "Jack, do you want to try role-playing?"
:26:22. > :26:25."Could you just play dead? Honestly, that would help."
:26:26. > :26:28.Sex for me at home, in my mum's house, became a little bit
:26:29. > :26:32.like arriving late at the theatre and trying to find your seat.
:26:33. > :26:35.Just a lot of shuffling, a bit of shushing, a pause,
:26:36. > :26:47.And it's not to say, as well, that I ever wanted any sort of weird sex.
:26:48. > :26:52.When it comes to sex, I like it very simple.
:26:53. > :26:55.I'm quite British about the whole thing. Quite Victorian British.
:26:56. > :26:58.I want three minutes in the dark, then we both roll over,
:26:59. > :27:01.assume the foetal position and cry for a bit. That's how it's done.
:27:02. > :27:03.And none of that talking. I hate the talking,
:27:04. > :27:06.I can't stand any of the talking during sex. I hate that shit.
:27:07. > :27:09.They say during sex a woman should lie back and think of England.
:27:10. > :27:12.I couldn't agree more. I think maybe let's make it more specific.
:27:13. > :27:17.and don't you dare start a conversation.
:27:18. > :27:23.Cos I've had a girl that tried to get me to do the dirty talk thing.
:27:24. > :27:26.And I warned her that it wouldn't work, this is not a sexy voice,
:27:27. > :27:30.this voice does not work within the echelons of a sexual environment.
:27:31. > :27:34.Therefore any sexual contact will be conducted in complete silence.
:27:35. > :27:37.But she wouldn't listen, she insisted on doing it.
:27:38. > :27:42.She was like, "Oh, Jack, tell me I've been a bad girl!"
:27:43. > :27:49.I don't know. Is there a scale?
:27:50. > :27:58.Worse than a looter, not as bad as Harold Shipman, are you happy now?
:27:59. > :28:06.I was going out with this girl when I was at university
:28:07. > :28:09.and she had this thing where, basically, in sixth form,
:28:10. > :28:14.she had gone out with her PE teacher at school.
:28:15. > :28:19.So she asked me to do a role-play reversal in the bedroom
:28:20. > :28:24.where she was the PE teacher and I was the pupil.
:28:25. > :28:27.I was like, I am not comfortable with this whatsoever.
:28:28. > :28:31.I really didn't want to do it. But I didn't know how to get out of it.
:28:32. > :28:37.Eventually I turned up with a note from my mum. I was like...
:28:38. > :28:44.APPLAUSE Oh...
:28:45. > :28:49.So, I haven't yet mentioned where my father lives in all of this.
:28:50. > :28:52.Which is, really, to not give a flying fuck about any of it.
:28:53. > :28:55.When we were growing up, me and my dad, we argued quite a lot.
:28:56. > :29:00.over some things that were sort of recurring, because basically,
:29:01. > :29:02.when I was younger, when I was growing up,
:29:03. > :29:12.because he was always sort of trying to butch me up.
:29:13. > :29:14.He was trying to make me more macho.
:29:15. > :29:23.And I think you'll agree, he's done a pretty fabulous job, I mean...
:29:24. > :29:27.And every time we argued as well, I'd always do the same thing,
:29:28. > :29:29.I'd run away from home. No matter what the argument was about,
:29:30. > :29:32.it was like, "I'm running away, leaving home, I'm going forever
:29:33. > :29:41."Froobs, I'll need some Froobs to eat, and a Merlin sticker album
:29:42. > :29:49.Put on my bag and off I'd go You'll never see me again.
:29:50. > :29:55."I don't know, I hear Moldova's very nice this time of year."
:29:56. > :29:58.And off I'd go and then I'd wait at the end of the street,
:29:59. > :30:00.I wouldn't actually properly run away,
:30:01. > :30:02.I'd be, like, 100 yards away from the house.
:30:03. > :30:05.I'd be waiting there for my dad to come and pick me up in the car.
:30:06. > :30:07.It was very important that he got into the car,
:30:08. > :30:09.I needed him physically to get into the car,
:30:10. > :30:13.drive 100 yards down the road, pick me up, tell me that he loved me.
:30:14. > :30:16.Then I'd get back in the car, we'd go home,
:30:17. > :30:20.and it would all be happy families again.
:30:21. > :30:24.And I'd say this happened on average once or twice a week.
:30:25. > :30:28.And, as I say, often over recurring issues.
:30:29. > :30:31.One of them was that I went through a phase when I was younger,
:30:32. > :30:36.about two or three years, where I really liked Robin Hood.
:30:37. > :30:44.To the point where I wanted to dress up as him all the time.
:30:45. > :30:46.And I had the most wonderful outfit as well.
:30:47. > :30:52.And then a spangled tunic, Claire's Accessories belt,
:30:53. > :30:55.feather tumbling out of the side of my cap, I looked fierce.
:30:56. > :31:02.My dad didn't like that, because I wore that outfit to everything,
:31:03. > :31:06.everything. Family functions, holidays, the supermarket.
:31:07. > :31:09.His brother's funeral. He really didn't like that.
:31:10. > :31:12.So that was constantly bubbling over throughout my childhood.
:31:13. > :31:26.though, there was one Christmas where he really let loose.
:31:27. > :31:30.a couple of weeks before Christmas. And that was a pair of roller blades.
:31:31. > :31:32.I really wanted roller blades, my mum got them,
:31:33. > :31:36.I was so excited and then my father confiscated them.
:31:37. > :31:43.He said, "No son of mine will be gliding around like a woofter!"
:31:44. > :31:46.So I didn't have my roller blades, I didn't have my roller blades.
:31:47. > :31:50.So come Christmas morning, right, I was ready to blow at anything. OK?
:31:51. > :31:55.Which leads me on to the second present that
:31:56. > :32:02.I requested that year for Christmas. And that was a Pocahontas doll.
:32:03. > :32:05.Now, a couple of judgy laughs there which is fine.
:32:06. > :32:08.I didn't actually want it in a gay way, I wanted a Pocahontas doll
:32:09. > :32:11.because I had an Action Man figurine and I thought it would be nice
:32:12. > :32:13.as Action Man is a soldier and he goes off and fights all these wars
:32:14. > :32:22.But my dad wouldn't get me the Pocahontas doll.
:32:23. > :32:24.I went down, Christmas morning, opened all of my presents
:32:25. > :32:28.expecting to see Pocahontas there, she was not there.
:32:29. > :32:38.If I don't give me my pocket money right this instant so
:32:39. > :32:40.I can go out and buy my Pocahontas doll,
:32:41. > :32:45.I will walk out of that door and that will be this time for good.
:32:46. > :32:49.My father was like, "Over my dead body."
:32:50. > :32:52.I was like, "Fine. Mother, pack my bag."
:32:53. > :32:55."It's already done." "Thank you, Mother."
:32:56. > :32:58.Off I went, into my father's study, I took out my roller blades
:32:59. > :33:14.I remember at the time thinking, what a heartless, cold bastard.
:33:15. > :33:26.Because, let me tell you, you get some very bizarre looks
:33:27. > :33:30.when, aged 13, on a cold Christmas morning,
:33:31. > :33:35.you're stood on the corner of the pavement in a women's dress,
:33:36. > :33:38.green fishnet tights and roller blades
:33:39. > :33:41.looking a little bit like a hooker out of Starlight Express,
:33:42. > :33:44.and essentially getting kerb-crawled by your own father
:33:45. > :33:49.who drives up in a Mercedes, puts down the window,
:33:50. > :34:05.hands you ?20 and shouts, "I love you, now get in the fucking car!"
:34:06. > :34:07.And, you know, I genuinely thought, as I grew up,
:34:08. > :34:10.these pressures would evaporate. But they don't, do they?
:34:11. > :34:13.They change, the pressures that your parents put onto you.
:34:14. > :34:16.The one I'm dealing with now is that my mum wants me to get married.
:34:17. > :34:19.She's obsessed with me getting married, and, specifically,
:34:20. > :34:22.she wants me to get married to Kate Middleton. Right.
:34:23. > :34:25.Which sounds mental, cos it is, but it's made slightly less mental
:34:26. > :34:27.by the fact that I was at school with Kate Middleton.
:34:28. > :34:29.So, my mum sees that as, like, a missed opportunity,
:34:30. > :34:31.that I was at school with Kate Middleton
:34:32. > :34:36.I mean, Kate Middleton is five years older than me.
:34:37. > :34:38.When we were at school, she was in sixth form.
:34:39. > :34:44.I wasn't particularly cool when I was at school.
:34:45. > :34:48.I played the recorder, my mum forced me to learn the recorder at school.
:34:49. > :34:50.She was like, "Oh, no, women love a musician."
:34:51. > :34:54.The only way I'm going to get a girl into my bed
:34:55. > :34:59.by using the recorder is if I fucking knock her out with it.
:35:00. > :35:02.But she gets annoyed at me now. She thinks it's my fault.
:35:03. > :35:05.and always brings up the Kate Middleton thing.
:35:06. > :35:07.The other day, I was staying at her house, right?
:35:08. > :35:09.I'd taken off my clothes to get into bed,
:35:10. > :35:13.There was a pair of my boxer shorts on the floor,
:35:14. > :35:16.in which was the tiniest, weeny little skidmark.
:35:17. > :35:21.My mother walks in with the laundry basket, scoops it up,
:35:22. > :35:27.she's like, "That's why Kate didn't want you."
:35:28. > :35:32.That's why I found the royal wedding so hard to watch.
:35:33. > :35:35.Cos in one ear I had my mother, "Why can't you get married?
:35:36. > :35:38.In the other ear I had the television,
:35:39. > :35:43.Remember, they kept saying that thing, "Kate Middleton is, of course,
:35:44. > :35:46."the first commoner to marry in to the royal family.
:35:47. > :35:48."The first COMMONER to marry in to the royal fa..."
:35:49. > :35:51."Commoner." What's this "commoner" they keep talking about?
:35:52. > :35:57.As you've all already gauged from my voice, demeanour
:35:58. > :36:02.the school I attended was not particularly common.
:36:03. > :36:05.They were writing and talking about Kate Middleton
:36:06. > :36:08.like she was from Harlem, like, straight out the ghetto.
:36:09. > :36:14.I'll let you into a little secret about my school, Marlborough College.
:36:15. > :36:17.Marlborough College made Midsomer Murders
:36:18. > :36:20.look like The fucking Wire, all right?
:36:21. > :36:24.We had one black guy in the entire school when I was there.
:36:25. > :36:28.He was a friend of mine called Daniel, and I shit you not,
:36:29. > :36:34.genuinely used to put Daniel in every single school photograph,
:36:35. > :36:38.to try and make our school look more diverse.
:36:39. > :36:42."So, come on, Daniel, pop yourself on the end of the row, there."
:36:43. > :36:45."But I wasn't in the First XI cricket team."
:36:46. > :36:49."And afterwards you'll be combing that afro into pigtails,
:36:50. > :36:59.Mentioned Midsomer Murders, there. My favourite story of last year -
:37:00. > :37:01.the producer of Midsomer Murders suspended
:37:02. > :37:07.because he claimed the only reason Midsomer Murders worked as a show
:37:08. > :37:10.is because there was no black people living in the village of Midsomer.
:37:11. > :37:24."The only way they can make this situation any better,
:37:25. > :37:30.If you were the first black person to live in the village of Midsomer...
:37:31. > :37:38.Every time there's a murder, getting hauled in for questioning.
:37:39. > :37:50.So, my mum wants me to get married, and you know what?
:37:51. > :37:54.I decided that I would actually like to be in a proper relationship.
:37:55. > :37:57.And most of my relationships have never worked out.
:37:58. > :38:03.is to work out what it was that made a relationship work,
:38:04. > :38:08.so I did what any sensible guy would do in that situation.
:38:09. > :38:14.I went to a live recording of the Jeremy Kyle Show in Manchester.
:38:15. > :38:18.Now, let me tell you, I learnt some things that day.
:38:19. > :38:22.Some lessons that will remain with me for the rest of my life.
:38:23. > :38:24.Cos at that live recording of the Jeremy Kyle
:38:25. > :38:28.Show in Manchester, I witnessed, in front of my very eyes,
:38:29. > :38:38.Cos when he walked into the studio, none of us gave him a hope in hell.
:38:39. > :38:42.and he was wearing a matching shell suit and cap.
:38:43. > :38:45.I was like, "Oh, my God, man, Jeremy Kyle is going to chew you up
:38:46. > :38:48."and I hope he gets done with you quickly
:38:49. > :38:51."so we can see the squabbling sisters who are fucking the same guy,
:38:52. > :38:54."cos that's why I came this afternoon."
:38:55. > :38:58.But right from the outset, Spider showed some serious promise.
:38:59. > :39:02.Kyle started out with a standard Jeremy Kyle opening round
:39:03. > :39:10.He was like, "So, Spider, I hear that you don't see much of your children."
:39:11. > :39:14."Let's see what you got in your locker, Spider, old buddy, old pal."
:39:15. > :39:18.I admit that I don't see much of my children,
:39:19. > :39:21."but that's cos I've got to work two jobs - one during the day,
:39:22. > :39:28."and then I've also got to do a night shift to earn enough money
:39:29. > :39:34.I sat up in my chair - I was like, "Ooh, this guy's good."
:39:35. > :39:47.Kyle coils back for another blow. "So, Spider, I hear..."
:39:48. > :39:53."I hear that you are a bit of a drinker."
:39:54. > :39:57.Ooh, it's a low blow! The sobriety test early on.
:39:58. > :39:59.This normally separates the wheat from the chaff.
:40:00. > :40:01."What have you got this time, Spider?"
:40:02. > :40:03."Well, Jeremy, I admit that I was a bit of a drinker,
:40:04. > :40:16."And I am now proud to say that I have been sober for three years."
:40:17. > :40:23.Have in just seen a man sidestep Jeremy Kyle two times in a row?!
:40:24. > :40:28.I'll be telling my grandchildren about this momentous day,
:40:29. > :40:32.when the matador finally met his match in this deadly dance of death.
:40:33. > :40:36.He swoops to his side, he draws up an envelope.
:40:37. > :40:40.We all know what that means - it's lie detector time!
:40:41. > :40:44."I asked you on the lie detector whether you'd ever cheated
:40:45. > :40:47."on your partner Raquel when you were in a relationship with her.
:40:48. > :40:50."You said that you hadn't. You were in fact...
:40:51. > :41:04.It was like Rocky IV, we were the Russians, and we'd sided with Rocky.
:41:05. > :41:06.Kyle didn't know what to do. He was on the ropes.
:41:07. > :41:09.He had one last throw of the dice, and it needed to be doubles,
:41:10. > :41:16.I'm like, "Fuck me, Kyle's calling in for backup!
:41:17. > :41:19."I ain't seen this shit go down before."
:41:20. > :41:22."Spider, I've had a word with our researchers,
:41:23. > :41:26."and they tell me that you have a motto."
:41:27. > :41:31."Oh, Jeremy, is that all you've got? A motto?
:41:32. > :41:38."we've already established that this gentleman in a shell suit is no mug.
:41:39. > :41:41."What, you thought he'd walk into the arena of battle without a motto?
:41:42. > :41:46."Well, come on, Spider, old buddy, old pal,
:41:47. > :41:51."Put him to the sword, and then you can parade round the studio
:41:52. > :41:54."with his head on a bloody, fucking spike."
:41:55. > :42:02."Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?"
:42:03. > :42:14.Suddenly elevated to being like Jesus delivering the Sermon on the Mount.
:42:15. > :42:18.Everyone looking, and then, in front of the entire studio,
:42:19. > :42:36."'If a woman can give a punch, she can take one.'"
:42:37. > :42:40.I learnt an important lesson that day.
:42:41. > :42:52.I realised I would not get all my answers from the Jeremy Kyle Show.
:42:53. > :42:57.if I wanted to know what it was that made relationships work.
:42:58. > :43:00.So, I decided my next port of call was to look for inspiration
:43:01. > :43:07.Cos my grandparents have been married for longer
:43:08. > :43:10.than I've ever even heard of people being married.
:43:11. > :43:16.And I looked at them, and I thought, "What is it that's kept them
:43:17. > :43:18."together over such a long period of time?
:43:19. > :43:22."How have they stayed so in love over all that time?"
:43:23. > :43:27.It was something so simple yet beautiful.
:43:28. > :43:33.Because my grandad is terrified of my granny.
:43:34. > :43:39.Now, don't get me wrong, he's got just cause to be afraid of my granny.
:43:40. > :43:44.My granny is the scariest 82-year-old battleaxe you've ever met.
:43:45. > :43:48.We call her Dorothy Soprano, she runs our firm.
:43:49. > :43:51.Cos have we got couples in tonight? Where are couples in the crowd?
:43:52. > :43:53.This gentleman here in the chequered shirt -
:43:54. > :43:55.is this your lady wife next to you, there?
:43:56. > :43:59.Beautiful, beautiful. How long have you been married for?
:44:00. > :44:03.See, in America, that would get a round of applause.
:44:04. > :44:09.But here, people are just like, "They must fucking hate each other."
:44:10. > :44:23.If we caught that on camera, as soon as I asked the question,
:44:24. > :44:29.And you know what that look was she was giving you?
:44:30. > :44:44.Fear is a good thing to have in a relationship, I think.
:44:45. > :44:47.Like, the longest relationship I've ever had was based on fear,
:44:48. > :44:51.cos I was terrified of the girl I was going out with.
:44:52. > :44:53.She was from the Northeast of England.
:44:54. > :45:02.No, cos it's not the accent. I love the Geordie accent.
:45:03. > :45:05.I think the Geordie accent is a beautiful accent.
:45:06. > :45:06.Um, I'm quite defensive of it, actually.
:45:07. > :45:09.Like that whole Cheryl Cole thing, I was really annoyed by that.
:45:10. > :45:12.Sacking Cheryl Cole from American X Factor cos they claimed
:45:13. > :45:15.they couldn't understand her because of her Geordie accent.
:45:16. > :45:19.Nothing to do with that, it was to do with Americanisms, wasn't it?
:45:20. > :45:28.There's words that are different in America
:45:29. > :45:33.In America, when it comes to sexual contraceptives, they use "rubbers".
:45:34. > :45:45.No, I love the accent, the accent's beautiful.
:45:46. > :45:47.And she had a very strong Geordie accent, and I loved it.
:45:48. > :45:50.In fact, it was a bit of a problem, really,
:45:51. > :45:55.I was never really listening to a word she was saying.
:45:56. > :45:57.You know, we'd be out shopping in town,
:45:58. > :45:59.she might catch me looking at another girl.
:46:00. > :46:05."if I ever catch you looking at another girl like that again,
:46:06. > :46:08."I'll cut your dick off with a fucking spoon."
:46:09. > :46:13."Ooh, who's a little Geordie? Come on!"
:46:14. > :46:17.She wasn't on a lead. That wasn't... I didn't...
:46:18. > :46:21.but she sort of changed as the relationship developed,
:46:22. > :46:25.When I first met her she was cool, she was funny, she was exciting,
:46:26. > :46:29.she said she was bi, and I was like, "Ooh, sexy."
:46:30. > :46:39.No, we split up when I left university,
:46:40. > :46:41.and it was for the best, it definitely was.
:46:42. > :46:46.and after that I didn't really have many other relationships.
:46:47. > :46:48.Which brings me up to sort of about eight months ago,
:46:49. > :46:51.and I met this girl who was absolutely incredible,
:46:52. > :46:53.and I fell head over heels in love with her.
:46:54. > :46:56.She was amazing, like no other girl I'd ever met.
:46:57. > :46:59.And, you know, she was a bit older than me, she was mature.
:47:00. > :47:09.It was like, "Finally, I've got a grown-up relationship."
:47:10. > :47:13.You know, "We're going to have coasters all over the house.
:47:14. > :47:28.even though I was very happy to be in a grown-up relationship,
:47:29. > :47:39.on a Friday night, about six months in.
:47:40. > :47:42.It was Friday night, I'd gone on to my Facebook
:47:43. > :47:45.and I'd been invited, online, to a fancy-dress party.
:47:46. > :47:50.Out I go, rented myself a big chicken costume -
:47:51. > :47:53.correct, I will be winning Best-Dressed this evening.
:47:54. > :47:55.Got myself two large bottles of Jagermeister
:47:56. > :47:58.and I was ready to hit the fucking town!
:47:59. > :48:02.Came downstairs and my girlfriend was stood in front of the door,
:48:03. > :48:22.She was like, "Jack, you've forgotten, haven't you?
:48:23. > :48:26."Tonight is the six-month anniversary of our first date.
:48:27. > :48:30."at the restaurant we went on our first date to.
:48:31. > :48:37."Well, I don't remember seeing it as an event on Facebook, so...
:48:38. > :48:44.This was someone I cared about a great deal
:48:45. > :48:47.and this was something that meant a lot to her
:48:48. > :48:49.and it had gone in one ear, out the other.
:48:50. > :48:53.And I felt so stupid, cos I look at my inspiration for relationships -
:48:54. > :48:56.I've already mentioned my grandad, all right?
:48:57. > :48:59.My grandad is in the severe clutches of Alzheimer's.
:49:00. > :49:02.Most of the time, he doesn't even know why he's in the room.
:49:03. > :49:06.But the one memory that he clings on to for dear life,
:49:07. > :49:11.is the memory of when he first met my grandmother.
:49:12. > :49:14.And he tells it to me all the time. It's heart-wrenching.
:49:15. > :49:17.I'll be sat with him, he'll be like, "Jack...
:49:18. > :49:25."have I ever told you about the time that I met your grandmother?"
:49:26. > :49:29."But fire away, Grandad - we've got all day."
:49:30. > :49:32."I was in Dublin, having left the Royal Navy.
:49:33. > :49:35."And I was walking through town late at night
:49:36. > :49:40."and I saw this group of ladies stood by the Ha'penny Bridge.
:49:41. > :49:43."And in amongst them was your grandmother.
:49:44. > :49:50."So I decided I would go up and ask her for directions.
:49:51. > :49:52."Of course, I knew where I was going!"
:49:53. > :49:59."that if I didn't pluck up the courage to ask her to go for a drink,
:50:00. > :50:01."I'd regret it for the rest of my life."
:50:02. > :50:05."And we went for a drink, we talked for hours.
:50:06. > :50:07."I'd never believed in love at first sight
:50:08. > :50:09."but, when I met your grandmother, I knew."
:50:10. > :50:12.And, six months later, they were married.
:50:13. > :50:17.Cos he said that she was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen.
:50:18. > :50:24.But I look at him and I think, "Everything else,
:50:25. > :50:27."his whole mind, is fucked but the one thing he holds on to,
:50:28. > :50:31."is the memory of when he first met my grandmother
:50:32. > :50:34."and I can't even remember the restaurant I went to
:50:35. > :50:40.us guys are so bad at forgetting every anniversary.
:50:41. > :50:43.Girls are the opposite - you love the little anniversaries.
:50:44. > :50:45.The anniversary of when you first kissed, first met,
:50:46. > :50:48.Guys don't remember those lovely little ones.
:50:49. > :50:53.If we were going out to dinner to commemorate the anniversary
:50:54. > :50:55.of the time she broke my PlayStation 3
:50:56. > :51:02."Ooh, Shiraz-gate's in the fucking diary!"
:51:03. > :51:06.basically summed up why our relationship was never going to work.
:51:07. > :51:09.Because of the date, the nature of it,
:51:10. > :51:12.The restaurant we'd been on our first date in
:51:13. > :51:16.was not my kind of restaurant - it was one of these really fancy places,
:51:17. > :51:19.and I don't like a fancy restaurant, I don't like pretentious restaurants,
:51:20. > :51:25.especially on dates, cos they make you look like idiots.
:51:26. > :51:29.And he has the wine list and it's on an iPad.
:51:30. > :51:31.Thrusts it in front of my face in front of this woman, he's like,
:51:32. > :51:40.No! If you go to a restaurant on a date,
:51:41. > :51:43.you want to go somewhere where you can look like you know your shit,
:51:44. > :51:45.where you look like you're in control.
:51:46. > :51:47.Which is why, if you ever take a girl on a date,
:51:48. > :51:50.there is only one venue and one venue alone. Any ideas?
:51:51. > :51:53.AUDIENCE SHOUTS: Nando's! NANDO'S!
:51:54. > :51:56.Correct, ladies! Nando's is where you take your date.
:51:57. > :51:59.Cos, if you go to Nando's, you look like you know your shit!
:52:00. > :52:01.You arrive. You are greeted at the door.
:52:02. > :52:04."Hello. Has Sir ever been to Nando's before?"
:52:05. > :52:08."and we both know that you're going to be doing fuck all this evening,
:52:09. > :52:12."I'll have this booth in the corner. Ooh, banquette seating!
:52:13. > :52:14.That'll be nice for scooching up together
:52:15. > :52:17."when this date gets interesting later on tonight."
:52:18. > :52:23."What would Madame like? A dry Sancerre or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc?
:52:24. > :52:25."It doesn't matter, babe, it's Nando's -
:52:26. > :52:31."Do you like chicken? Good, cos it's all fucking chicken!"
:52:32. > :52:34.I know what I'm getting - double chicken breast in pitta,
:52:35. > :52:40.they put on the top of it, so it says that mine is Extra Hot,
:52:41. > :52:43.so when I'm tucking into it, she thinks that I'm hard as nails!
:52:44. > :52:46."Would Sir like cheese and pineapple with that?"
:52:47. > :52:49.Why would anyone want cheese and pineapple with chicken?!
:52:50. > :52:57.She ordered it with two sides - one of Macho Peas, one of witty repartee.
:52:58. > :53:02.Right now, she is eating out of the palm of my hand.
:53:03. > :53:04.Mainly cos I've forgotten to get the fucking cutlery
:53:05. > :53:09.But it doesn't matter. It's now make-or-break time.
:53:10. > :53:11.She's about to ask the question every girl will ask you
:53:12. > :53:13.if you take them on a date to Nando's.
:53:14. > :53:16.She looks longingly and lovingly into my eyes and says,
:53:17. > :53:24.And I will let you into a little secret -
:53:25. > :53:30.it is a question that nobody actually knows the answer to.
:53:31. > :53:35."Peri-peri, my dear, is a blend of aromatic spices,
:53:36. > :53:38."bonded together by the tears of Portuguese widows
:53:39. > :53:40."that have lost their husbands at sea.
:53:41. > :54:10.Came back to her flat about three o'clock in the morning,
:54:11. > :54:20...and she broke up with me, then and there.
:54:21. > :54:24.And the reason that she gave for splitting up with me?
:54:25. > :54:47.Cos there is nothing in the world you can say in response to a girl
:54:48. > :54:50.when they've just split up with you for being too immature...
:54:51. > :55:04...crying - and I mean UNCONTROLLABLY crying...
:55:05. > :55:07.I mean "getting kicked in the bollocks with a football
:55:08. > :55:12."to the power of Mufasa dying in Lion King" tears -
:55:13. > :55:16.that are uncontrollably tumbling down your BEAK
:55:17. > :55:20.in a large, Jagermeister-sodden chicken costume,
:55:21. > :55:29.for storming in and demanding to have your children back.
:55:30. > :55:46.# I am so lonely I am so lonely
:55:47. > :56:10.Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely wonderful.
:56:11. > :56:13.Thank you so much for coming out to see my show this evening!
:56:14. > :57:59.# Walking on Walking on broken glass
:58:00. > :58:01.Hi, I'm Tina. Here's the latest news in 60