0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# You thought your life was running true
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# And then I crashed right into you
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Roller
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Rollercoaster...#
0:00:21 > 0:00:27HEART BEAT
0:00:27 > 0:00:32METAL GUITAR MUSIC
0:00:32 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:42ELECTRO DANCE MUSIC
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Rollercoaster Tour.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Please welcome to the stage John Bishop.
0:00:53 > 0:00:59CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Hello, Manchester!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Good evening. How are you?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11CHEERING Well, thanks for coming.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17As you probably know, we're filming a DVD tonight.
0:01:17 > 0:01:23APPLAUSE I've filmed every other DVD in Liverpool and the DV...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25BOOING
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:32The DVD company said, "For a change let's try somewhere else."
0:01:32 > 0:01:36So they said, "Let's do Manchester."
0:01:36 > 0:01:39CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:44One Scouser, 13,000 Mancs, what could go wrong?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:49By the way, do you like this?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- CROWD:- Yeah!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54This is actually a working slide. It's a proper...
0:01:54 > 0:01:57This is my midlife crisis, a proper helter-skelter.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I wanted something brilliant to come onto the stage.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Something fast, something exciting.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06One of the fellas said, "Why don't you get a Harley-Davidson?"
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I went, "I'd rather have a slide."
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:12The only problem is I've not really tested it today.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16They build it every day so there's a chance it could go wrong
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and if it does go wrong it's classed as an accident at work.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER That's what the screens are for
0:02:22 > 0:02:24and you're all part of the claim.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER Right, hang on, I'm coming.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32CHEERING
0:02:32 > 0:02:34APPLAUSE
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So I'm going to go on the slide, I'm going to go on the slide.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Are you ready? Ready?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Let's have a countdown! Hang on.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Ready?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Three. Two. One.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52CHEERING Argh!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54CHEERING
0:02:54 > 0:02:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Get a load of that, Manchester!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Hey!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Right.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09First of all, if you've got baby-sitters
0:03:09 > 0:03:12you're paying by the hour, go now cos that's the best bit.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER All right, thanks for coming!
0:03:15 > 0:03:21I've had some of my best times in my life in Manchester.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Yeah. CHEERING
0:03:23 > 0:03:24I have.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I got married here, all my kids were born here
0:03:27 > 0:03:30so I've had bad times as well. LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:36But it's odd, cos you do, you sort of evolve, as they say,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38as a person, you have different views.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I mean, me and my wife have different views on loads of things
0:03:41 > 0:03:44and I don't know if it's cos she's from here and I'm not
0:03:44 > 0:03:49or cos she's just a woman and just sees the world in a different way.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51We were sat in our kitchen a few weeks ago
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and she had one of those women's magazines out, you know,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58that ask you those stupid questions, how to rate your relationship.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01She said, "Oh, this'll be fun."
0:04:01 > 0:04:03One of the questions was:
0:04:03 > 0:04:06If your relationship was a home appliance what would it be?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"What do you think?"
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I said, "I don't know. Not really bothered to be honest with you."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17She said, "Don't be like that, what do you think?"
0:04:17 > 0:04:22I said, "All right, a Hoover, cos you suck the joy out of everything!"
0:04:22 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:31She said, "There's no need for that. That's not funny."
0:04:31 > 0:04:34She said, "Do you know what I'm going to put? Dishwasher."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I said, "What?" She said, "Dishwasher,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"cos you only get out of it what you put in..."
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"..and when you get it back it's always better."
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I went, "Yeah, OK. Yeah, put dishwasher.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"I agree with you cos marriage is like a dishwasher.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"To begin with it's brilliant, then after a while you think
0:04:52 > 0:04:55it would be quicker and easier if I just do it myself by hand."
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:05:00APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:04But all of this, all of these differences,
0:05:04 > 0:05:05came to the fore recently.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09We went on holiday, a proper holiday cos I was going on this tour,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I've had a bit of a busy time, and we haven't, this is no word of a lie,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16we haven't had a two-weeks holiday together for six years.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I said, "Right, we'll go on holiday. We'll have two-weeks' holiday.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"Not self-catering, it's your holiday too."
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I said, "We're away..."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Got to treat them now and again, haven't you?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I said, "We're away, love, proper holiday."
0:05:31 > 0:05:33And it's great for us now cos when we go on holiday
0:05:33 > 0:05:35we don't care where the kids sit.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You know when you get on a plane you can just...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You know, when they're little you've got to sit by them so you go and say,
0:05:40 > 0:05:45"Look, there's us, there's five of us, we've all gotta sit together.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"They're little and then if the plane crashes
0:05:47 > 0:05:50we want to have a family hug." LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Do we shite.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I want to be on top of that airhostess
0:05:54 > 0:05:56to be perfectly honest with you.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58But now, now that they're grown, we don't have to do that.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01So we're going on holiday, I said, "Look, we're on holiday,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"we're going to have a proper holiday, me and you,"
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I said, "they're big enough now they can sit where they like."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08So we checked in, I said, "Look," I said, "there's just us two.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Don't even know who those three are." LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I said, "Sit them where you like, not arsed, not bothered.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"Put 'em by that fellow with the rucksack if you like,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19"couldn't be arsed." LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"We're on holiday."
0:06:21 > 0:06:22We sit on the plane.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26They come along and they give you a glass of wine before we take off.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I thought, "Great stuff this. You don't get this on easyJet.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"We're having a great time sat together.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"We're together about to have our holiday.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Our holiday begins on the plane." That's what I think.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Then she put her hand in her bag and pulled out that book.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:53Yeah, that book, the one that's been causing all the controversy.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:56I said, "What's that about?"
0:06:56 > 0:06:59She said, "Oh, it's about a man who makes women dress in funny clothes
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"and then when they're naughty he punishes them."
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I said, "Oh, really?"
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I said, "How long have you been reading The Koran?"
0:07:05 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:14 > 0:07:15That's a joke!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18That'll probably be cut out. It was just a joke.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Nobody drew anything, it wasn't a picture, it was a little giggle.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It probably won't be in by the time I get to Birmingham to be fair
0:07:26 > 0:07:29but it's... LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:31..just a giggle.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38No, she's got that other book, that Fifty Shades Of Grey.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41CHEERING Listen to ya!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Listen to ya all, just listen to you, listen to you.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:52All the women in here who have read Fifty Shades Of Grey give me a cheer.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55CHEERING
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Sluts! LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:05When I saw the title, to be honest with you,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I didn't think it was a book I thought it was a Dulux paint chart!
0:08:09 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER She sat there like that reading. I said, "What are you doing?"
0:08:13 > 0:08:14She said, "I'm just going to read this book."
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I said, "Where's that come from?"
0:08:16 > 0:08:18She said, "The girls are all reading it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19One of them got me a copy."
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Where does that come from?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25All the women in here who have read that book because a friend
0:08:25 > 0:08:29recommended it for you or bought it for you give me a cheer.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32CHEERING
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Lessie sluts!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I don't know a single bloke who's done anything like that ever.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41There's not a bloke in here who's ever gone off to his mates
0:08:41 > 0:08:44and said, "Hey, hey, Dave, here, hey mate, listen,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"I got this brilliant wank mag. It's fantastic."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"I got a copy, all the lads have got a copy,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I got you a copy for your birthday."
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"No, you'll love it. I'd give you mine but you wouldn't want mine."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"You'll love it, it's great and then we're all going to read it together,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"and then get together in the pub, and over a glass of wine
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"have a chat about the wank mag we're all reading."
0:09:11 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER If we did that there'd be something fucking wrong with us!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But yous do it, "It's just the girls having a laugh!
0:09:19 > 0:09:20"Just a little giggle!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"Just the girls having a giggle, just having a laugh!"
0:09:23 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Bang out of order! LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:32For those who haven't read it, it's about a fella called Christian Grey.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36CHEERING Listen to yourselves!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39He's not even real, 'Woo!'
0:09:39 > 0:09:42And you wouldn't want him! You wouldn't want him.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You think you'd want him, you pretend you'd want him,
0:09:45 > 0:09:46in your head you think you want him,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48but you wouldn't want him cos as far as I can see
0:09:48 > 0:09:51all Christian Grey does, for those who don't know,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54he's a successful businessman, a journalist comes to interview him,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56this female journalist, he takes her out for a drink,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59he starts sexual relations with her, and then from then on
0:09:59 > 0:10:01just tends to spank her bottom.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05That's all he does, just spanks her arse, just spanky, spanky, spanky.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07That's all he does!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10The first time he does it he uses a paddle.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I'd just been watching the rowing in the Olympics, I thought,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"Jesus Christ." LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"That's got to hurt, hasn't it? Going, "Fuck off!"
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:23But that's all he does!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26And women, millions, they're all going, "Oh, he's great.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29"Christian Grey's great. I'd love a man, oh, great.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31"Wouldn't you want a Christian Grey in your life?"
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Well you know the fella you're sat next to,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37you know the fella you're sat next to, when you woke up this morning,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39looked over your shoulder and thought,
0:10:39 > 0:10:40"Are you still here you fat gobshite?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:45He'd spank your arse, not a problem.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Not a problem! We just didn't know!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:56If I came home from work and my Mrs is stood in the kitchen
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and I said, "How has your day been, love?" and she went...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02HE SNIFFLES
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"Well I tried to take the kids to school and then when we got there
0:11:04 > 0:11:07"one of the kids had shoes on that they said they're not school shoes
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"but I thought they were school shoes cos they're black
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"but they said they're not school shoes and now he's got detention.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"I've gotta go back but where am I going to get school shoes from
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"cos you look and think they're school shoes, they're not.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"After school I was supposed to take them to somewhere else
0:11:20 > 0:11:24"in three different places. I can't be in three different places at once!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"One of them had detention because he didn't do his homework.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"He didn't do his homework cos I didn't take the ingredients in
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"I didn't know he was doing cookery class. I didn't know.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"How am I supposed to know that?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"And then when I get home the dog's ate a stick
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"so I had to take the dog to the vet. He's got to stay over all night,
0:11:38 > 0:11:39"which means I've got to get there tomorrow
0:11:39 > 0:11:42"I can't go out tomorrow because the dog's at the vet,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"the kids are over there, I was meant to be getting my hair done
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"I can't be in three places at once."
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I go, "Sh, it's all right. Sh."
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:56"Hey, hey, sh, calm down. I'm here!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59"It's OK, I'm here. Now just bend over."
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"It's all right. It's all right."
0:12:12 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER
0:12:20 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER "Is that better, babe?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER "Is that better? Yeah, I know."
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"Just wait here. I'm just going to the shed to get the oar out.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"Wait there." LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Well we would but we didn't know!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44We didn't know and I tell you what, you know what, it winds me up,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47cos you wouldn't really want a Christian Grey.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48You think you would, but he's not real!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50He wouldn't be there the following morning
0:12:50 > 0:12:53doing the kids' packed lunch before school,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56or taking the kids to play football on Sunday
0:12:56 > 0:12:59and stood there on the side of the pitch watching your little son
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Johnny running up and down with his gimp mask on going, "Go on, Johnny!"
0:13:03 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"Go on, Johnny!" LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:12You wouldn't!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16And the problem is it's like this world, cos females can do that,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19create a world that they then believe is true.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21And we've all been victims to it,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25lads in here have all been victims to it at different stages in your life.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27In your late teens, early 20s,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30every fella in here has been victim to the Wonderbra lie.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36We've all had that frightening experience where you think,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"Oh, this is going to be fantastic."
0:13:38 > 0:13:40A Wonderbra is basically like an Easter egg.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER It looks like there's loads in there
0:13:43 > 0:13:46but when you get inside there's not even a mouthful.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:52 > 0:13:53And you think, "This is going to be ace!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"This is going to be ace.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"It's going to be ace, it's going to be ace, it's going to be ace..."
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"No, I don't mind kissing you, love, honest.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"They're lovely. This is going to be...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"Ho, ho, ho, look at these! These are going to be great.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07These are going to be great."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:19"Have you turned your head 'round? Turn round, let me have a look."
0:14:19 > 0:14:21LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:25There's no male equivalent. No girl's ever gone,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"I tell you what, you look like you are packing a packet there,"
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and there isn't one there. We haven't got that.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33And you think, "OK, well that's all right. That's all right."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36In your late teens and your 20s when you're out there
0:14:36 > 0:14:39looking for a partner you're going to do stuff like that, aren't you?
0:14:39 > 0:14:40That's inevitable.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Then you think these lies would end,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46but there's an industry based on these lies.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51And as you get older the lies don't end
0:14:51 > 0:14:54cos you have another thing now when you're past 40 -
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Spanx!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58That's what you've got, Spanx! LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:02There's people sat there going, "I've no idea what you're on about, John."
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Spanx.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05There's lads looking at their wives, "What's he on about?"
0:15:05 > 0:15:08She's going, "I have no idea. I have no idea." Spanx!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09You know what Spanx are?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Spanx are these things that women put on.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14When they go to the wardrobe to get the dress out and they say,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"Oh, we're going to go to a function tonight, I'm going to put a dress on.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19"OK, well I'll go and get my dress out."
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Then they get their dress out that they haven't worn for a while
0:15:22 > 0:15:25and then they find out that they've got one of those wicked wardrobes
0:15:25 > 0:15:28that shrinks your clothes when they're hanging there.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"That used to fit me! It doesn't fit me any more!"
0:15:33 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"It's the wardrobe's fault!"
0:15:39 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:44So what they do, they have this thing called Spanx,
0:15:44 > 0:15:49which are like cycling pants and they climb into them like that.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And the idea is to get everything inside the Spanx
0:15:51 > 0:15:53so you get everything.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Then you pull the Spanx, you pull 'em right up here.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Mmm. Mmm. LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Everything into the Spanx! Just fit it all into the Spanx.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Just get it all inside the Spanx.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10If a Wonderbra is designed to make something that's little look massive,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Spanx are designed to make something that's massive...
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER ..just look big.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:24And the problem is it can't all stay in there.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Just the laws of physics. It can't all stay in there.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29So women get all sucked in
0:16:29 > 0:16:32and they haven't realised it's not going to stay all night.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35So if you're ever out at a do and you're wondering
0:16:35 > 0:16:37if there's a woman in there wearing Spanx, just have a look around.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40There'll be some bird in the corner wearing a dress
0:16:40 > 0:16:42that looks like it wouldn't have fitted her the day before
0:16:42 > 0:16:45and her head will be fucking massive!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:51 > 0:16:52So we're sat on the plane.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54She's like that with the book.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I was going, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm reading my book."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I said, "You're not reading that here."
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I said, "Everyone's walking down the aisle, they're looking at the book
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"then looking at me going, 'What's wrong, can't you get it up?'
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"Put the book away." LAUGHTER
0:17:07 > 0:17:11You know what she said? She said, "You should read it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"You should read it, you might learn something."
0:17:13 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Yeah!
0:17:17 > 0:17:18I did, I did read it!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I took it off her on the plane, and I read a couple of chapters
0:17:21 > 0:17:28on the plane and, well, to be fair she was right, I did learn something.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I learnt that you're not allowed to wank on planes.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:33 > 0:17:36APPLAUSE
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's been a big year for all of us.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Give me a cheer if you enjoyed the Olympics.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46CHEERING
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Right, all of those people who cheered,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I bet you 99% of you thought it was going to be shit.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- CROWD:- Yeah!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58We did! It was so English wasn't it?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Like when we started the year and it came, New Year's Day they said,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"It's brilliant, it's New Year's Day."
0:18:04 > 0:18:05It was 2012.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10"This is the year that we are going to have the Olympics,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12"the London Olympics."
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And everyone in the country went, "Oh, God, it's going to be shit."
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I was having a shit-off with my mates going,
0:18:18 > 0:18:19"This is going to be shit."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21They were going, "I know it's going to be shit.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22"The weather will be shit."
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"Oh, the weather will definitely be shit.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"And they won't finish building the stadiums."
0:18:27 > 0:18:28"No, the stadium will be shit.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"And I bet you we don't get a decent kit."
0:18:30 > 0:18:31"No, we'll have a shit kit.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34"We won't win any medals, we'll have a shit kit,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36"we'll have a shit stadium, we'll have shit weather,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"and then that Al-Qaeda will bomb the fucking lot."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:44APPLAUSE
0:18:46 > 0:18:49That's what they were doing! They were even saying in London.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"Don't come, the traffic will be shit!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54We're just so obsessed with everything being shit
0:18:54 > 0:18:56and then all of a sudden we're sat there watching it going,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"This is surprisingly good this, isn't it?"
0:18:58 > 0:19:01But I thought the whole Olympics was brilliant.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03We were better at it than we thought we were.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Thought the opening ceremony was great
0:19:04 > 0:19:07although none of us had a clue what was going on.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I thought the closing ceremony was good
0:19:11 > 0:19:13up till George.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER I thought George was good,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19but, you know, 26 million people watched that.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23I wanted to really enjoy it so I got a bath before.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26No, I don't mean I'm dirty, I mean like, you know,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I'm like most men, I generally get showers,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30but on occasion I get a bath!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And when I get a bath I get a bubble bath.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I fill the bath with bubbles, I have a proper bubbly bath.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40My wife goes mad cos I always use her bubble bath, because
0:19:40 > 0:19:44getting a bath with bubbles in isn't gay,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47but buying bubble bath is. That's just the rule.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:52So I'm there, I'm in the bath full of bubbles,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55she comes in, I've got the wine, I've got the candles,
0:19:55 > 0:19:56I'm having a little bit of Johnny time.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58She comes in, she said, "What are you doing?"
0:19:58 > 0:20:00She said, "The closing ceremony's on
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"and you're lying in there like a poof."
0:20:02 > 0:20:05She said, "I don't know what's happened to you. You've changed."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10She gets out of the bathroom, walks downstairs, so I thought, "Right."
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I got out the bath. I got the towel. I did your little trick.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I put her bathrobe on, I walked downstairs and went,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"What's wrong wi' you?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"I just can't believe you at times, you're just so wound up!"
0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:33We went into the living room to watch it
0:20:33 > 0:20:35and we were watching it and it was brilliant
0:20:35 > 0:20:38and George started off singing Freedom and he's fantastic.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm a big fan of George Michael.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I was always one of those people,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44you know when everyone was taking the piss out of Andrew Ridgeley,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I was thinking, "No, I wouldn't mind being Andrew Ridgeley."
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"Be all right being in Wham just dancing along, you know,
0:20:51 > 0:20:52"and being George's mate."
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I've always, always thought it would be a great thing to do,
0:20:55 > 0:20:56so I was really looking forward to it.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58George sings one song, it was brilliant!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02There was me and 26 million people going, "George is back. He's back."
0:21:02 > 0:21:05And then he sang something none of us had ever heard before
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and we all went, "George, what are you doing, lad?"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11And my Mrs got up and went out to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14When she come back in I was like 26 million other people,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I'm sat there thinking of George's back catalogue.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I'm thinking, "You could have done the Wham Rap!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"You could have gone Club Tropicana,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"you could have done Careless Whisper."
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I'm sat there watching the telly with a towel on my head
0:21:24 > 0:21:27drinking a glass of wine when she comes walking back in
0:21:27 > 0:21:31just at the point when I go, "George, I'm Your Man!"
0:21:31 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:35"What?"
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I've had an odd year, to be honest,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39cos I've been knackered a lot of this year,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42cos I did something at the start of the year that near
0:21:42 > 0:21:44killed me, to be honest. I wish I hadn't fucking done it at all.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Honestly, don't, don't, don't clap.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Don't clap cos I won't do it again.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00There's not a chance it's ever going to happen again.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Not now that I've found out those Africans don't buy DVDs.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Fuck 'em.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I mean, I'm not saying you can't buy my DVDs in Africa - you can.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17But you can only get them in Somalia and they're all pirates. Hey!
0:22:17 > 0:22:22HE IMITATES A SHOTGUN Hey! The Somalia pirate gag!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26That'll be in the DVD cos Somalians never complain. Never, ever.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31No, I did this thing and I've got to tell you the history behind it,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35cos I was absolutely bowled over by the support,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37but it was not something that I ever wanted to do.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And so that's why I feel a little bit like a cheat,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43cos everyone's patting me on my back and I'm thinking, "Why you patting me on my back?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46"It wasn't my idea, didn't want to do it and I hated every minute of it."
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Because what happened... James Corden phoned me up and said,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"Me and you should do something for Sport Relief." I said, "OK."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54So we went down, met the fella from Sport Relief, and he said,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"It's brilliant that you've said you want to do something,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00"cos we've tried to get people to do this thing for years.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03"You go from Paris, go to London, ride a bike for a bit,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"do a bit of rowing, do some running."
0:23:05 > 0:23:06We said, "OK, we'll do it."
0:23:06 > 0:23:10October, James phones me up and said, "Listen, I'm in this play.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14"It's become a massive success. It's going to go to Broadway.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"I'm not able to do the challenge, because they won't insure me
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"in case something goes wrong."
0:23:19 > 0:23:21So I said, "OK, let's go down and tell Kevin,"
0:23:21 > 0:23:23the fella who runs Sport Relief.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24I couldn't wait for it.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I thought, "I'm going to go into an office.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"He's going to look like a right twat.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"I'm going to look like a hero. It'll be easy.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32"I don't even have to do anything.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"I'll just walk into the office and say,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"Go on, James, tell Kevin your news.""
0:23:36 > 0:23:37He went, "OK." He said,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"Kevin, I'm really sorry, I can't do the challenge,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"because I'm in the play, it's gone massive,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"we're going to Broadway. They won't insure it
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"if I do the challenge, so cos I can't get insurance, I can't do it."
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Kevin went, "OK, fair enough."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Then he went, "But you could do it."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Which is a way of saying, like, "We can't insure him
0:23:57 > 0:23:58"but you're expendable."
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You know, who cares if another Scouser drowns?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03That doesn't matter, does it?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05And I said, "Well, what do you think," to him.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07He said, "Well, you don't have to do it,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11"I don't want to force you into it, but BT have said that they'll sponsor it
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"and the BBC are going to do a documentary which will be on for an hour,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"and if those two things happen, we estimate that
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"we'll get a million pounds,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22"and if we get a million pounds and spend it on a vaccine that costs
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"a fiver, that could be 200,000 vaccines bought for kids
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"and that could be 200,000 lives saved,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29"but you don't have to do it if you don't want to."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Even James Corden went, "God, you're a twat."
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I said, "What have I done?"
0:24:35 > 0:24:37So I ended up completely roped into it.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And it becomes like a machine behind you, you end up
0:24:40 > 0:24:41with this training programme
0:24:41 > 0:24:45and he sent this fella called Greg to train me, Greg White,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48who kept on phoning me up all the time saying, "Have you done this?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"Have you done that? Have you done this?"
0:24:50 > 0:24:53And then he come to see me in January to go for a bike ride.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55In January, I was living in Alderley Edge
0:24:55 > 0:24:57cos I thought I was a footballer.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59And he turned up.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Now you all know what January was like here - freezing!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Absolutely freezing, snow on the ground.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Anyone who's ridden a bike in January will tell you what it's like,
0:25:10 > 0:25:11it's miserable!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14You're riding along, snow on the ground, the snot freezes
0:25:14 > 0:25:18to your face, you're pedalling along, your fingers die stuck
0:25:18 > 0:25:21to the handlebars, you can't feel your legs, your toes are frozen.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I'm riding along, thinking, "Them kids in Africa!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28"Those kids in Africa will be playing football on the fucking beach now!"
0:25:28 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:35We get back to our house, I'm freezing cold,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37get a shower and stuff, thaw out,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40sat in the kitchen, he's got a little check pad.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42"Have you been doing your running?" "I've been doing a bit."
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"Have you been doing your rowing?" "I've been doing a bit."
0:25:45 > 0:25:48"Have you been eating the right things?" I said, "I've been doing a bit."
0:25:48 > 0:25:51He said, "You been training twice a day?" I said, "I've been doing a bit."
0:25:51 > 0:25:54He said, "What about injuries?" I said, "You know, I'm OK."
0:25:54 > 0:25:57He said, "What about irritations?" I said, "Apart from you..."
0:25:58 > 0:26:00He said, "No, seriously, irritations." he said,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03"You're going to do something that's an endurance thing.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"If you get an irritation - that starts a rash,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"could become an infection, could be a problem."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I said, "Well, I think I'm OK."
0:26:10 > 0:26:12He said, "Well, OK, I'll just ask you outright,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"how's your undercarriage?"
0:26:14 > 0:26:18He did that with his hand, "How's your undercarriage?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I didn't even know I had an undercarriage.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I thought that was only something you got on Vauxhall vans.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"What do you mean, "My undercarriage"?" He said, "Your undercarriage.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"What a lot of cyclists do,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"they get irritation in the undercarriage,"
0:26:30 > 0:26:32he said, "so therefore, what they do is they wax it."
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I said, "They what?" He said, "They wax it."
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I said, "Oh, do they?" He said, "Yeah."
0:26:39 > 0:26:42He said, "Have you looked to see if there's any hair growth there
0:26:42 > 0:26:45"that you want to potentially get removed?"
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I said, "Are you serious?"
0:26:47 > 0:26:50He said, "Yeah, have you ever looked underneath there?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I said, "If I could look underneath there, I'd be in a circus,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"not talking to you, dickhead!"
0:26:55 > 0:26:57He said, "Well, you should look!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59"Get a mirror and have a look."
0:26:59 > 0:27:03So I did and I swear to God, lads, do it once.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05All the lads in this room, do it once in your life.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09You will not believe what you are carrying round!
0:27:09 > 0:27:10It is unbelievable.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I got a mirror, I locked myself in the bathroom.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14You've got to lock the bathroom.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16You don't want to get caught doing this.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18And I'm stood like that with the mirror.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20You know what I felt like?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I felt like a car going through an army checkpoint.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I'm like that.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I couldn't believe it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28All of a sudden, I just saw this afro.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31It looked like the Jackson Five
0:27:31 > 0:27:35were doing a gig behind me bollocks! I couldn't believe it.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I thought, "No wonder I'm uncomfortable,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42"I'm sat on a Brillo Pad!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"This is ridiculous!"
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I phoned Greg up. I said, "Greg, Greg," I said,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52"I can't tell you what I've seen, but it was shocking.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53"What do I do?"
0:27:53 > 0:27:56He said, "You'll need to find somewhere local to you that does waxing."
0:27:56 > 0:27:59He said, "Just get on the internet and look for men waxing." So I did.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I went on to Google.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03I put "men waxing".
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Don't do that.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:10 > 0:28:15That was 35 minutes of my life I will never, ever get back,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18and some of the images are still in my head.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It was 35 minutes going through websites,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24an hour and a half trying to delete the history on my computer.
0:28:26 > 0:28:31Eventually, I found this website called Strictly Waxing.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Strictly Waxing in Radcliffe, north Manchester.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36CHEERING Yeah, yeah.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Well, you're cheering, let's be honest,
0:28:38 > 0:28:39we all know male grooming
0:28:39 > 0:28:43is not a priority in Radcliffe, north Manchester.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45If you wash, you're a poof!
0:28:46 > 0:28:48But they've got this place, Strictly Waxing,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52"intimate waxing for men", Strictly Waxing.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53So, I phoned up.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56She answered the phone and went, "Hello, Strictly Waxing."
0:28:57 > 0:29:03I said, "Erm, hello, erm...
0:29:03 > 0:29:05"Erm, I've got a mate..."
0:29:05 > 0:29:08LAUGHTER
0:29:08 > 0:29:10"..and he's doing a lot of cycling."
0:29:10 > 0:29:13She said, "It's all right, love, we deal a lot with cyclists,
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"I know what you're saying, it's the undercarriage.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"We know exactly what to do.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19"When do YOU want to come in?"
0:29:21 > 0:29:23So I made an appointment for the following day.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24So I turned up.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I turn into this car park, there's a parade of shops -
0:29:27 > 0:29:30there's a hardware shop, there's a barber's,
0:29:30 > 0:29:32there's a grocer's shop at the end,
0:29:32 > 0:29:35and there's a shop in the middle with a sign about that big,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37SHOUTING: "Strictly Waxing!
0:29:37 > 0:29:39"Intimate Waxing for Men."
0:29:39 > 0:29:40It may as well have had an arrow going,
0:29:40 > 0:29:43"Look at monkey bollocks, coming in here!"
0:29:45 > 0:29:48I thought, "There's absolutely no chance I'm walking
0:29:48 > 0:29:50"in there, like, without a disguise,"
0:29:50 > 0:29:53so I put a cap on, put my collar up - just walk in.
0:29:53 > 0:29:58"Ting-ting", went in... Sat behind a desk. I said, "Hello.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00"I've got an appointment at two o'clock...
0:30:00 > 0:30:02"for Brian."
0:30:02 > 0:30:04LAUGHTER
0:30:04 > 0:30:08She said, "Brian? Two o'clock? Oh, oh, yeah...
0:30:08 > 0:30:10"But aren't you John Bishop?"
0:30:11 > 0:30:14I went, "Erm, yeah, yeah -
0:30:14 > 0:30:15"Brian couldn't make it."
0:30:15 > 0:30:18LAUGHTER
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Where's that come from?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Who's ever said to their mates, "Listen, I was going to get
0:30:25 > 0:30:29"my bollocks waxed today, but I just got caught up with the kids,
0:30:29 > 0:30:34"do us a favour, go and get your bollocks waxed and then
0:30:34 > 0:30:38"come round to our house and I'll rub them and pretend they're mine"?
0:30:38 > 0:30:40So she looked at me like I'd gone mad and went,
0:30:40 > 0:30:42"Oh, oh, OK. Well, just go in the room"
0:30:42 > 0:30:45So I went into this treatment room.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47And the girls'll know what goes on.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49You go into this room, there's a bed there.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52There's a cauldron in the corner - bubbling stuff -
0:30:52 > 0:30:54like something out of Hogwarts
0:30:54 > 0:30:58with little spiders' heads being dropped into it and everything.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02So you walk in and, and, and... Again, girls...
0:31:02 > 0:31:04In fact, I'm not even going to call you girls.
0:31:04 > 0:31:05Sisters.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08We've been through it together. Sisters.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14My respect for you went through the roof after this experience.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16And all the lads in here, you need to respect these girls,
0:31:16 > 0:31:20cos, I tell you what, unless you do it yourselves, you have no idea
0:31:20 > 0:31:23what these girls go through to present their little flower to us.
0:31:23 > 0:31:24It is unbelievable.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28LAUGHTER
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Cos there's no standing on ceremony,
0:31:30 > 0:31:33it's just not an in and out, it's almost a DIY process.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Cos you go in, she said, "Right, drop your stuff,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38"get your clothes off, I'll be back in a minute." She walks out.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Comes back in, I'm stood there like that.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45I've got my socks and my boxies on.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50She just looked at me and she went, "What are they doing on?
0:31:50 > 0:31:53"I'm not a miracle worker, get 'em off!
0:31:53 > 0:31:55"Get 'em off!"
0:31:59 > 0:32:02LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I just kicked 'em away like that. I haven't lost all my dignity -
0:32:08 > 0:32:09I've got me socks on.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15I'm stood there like that. She turns to the cauldron.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18It's a very strange sensation to be stood in a situation like that -
0:32:18 > 0:32:20completely naked apart from your socks.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23The only thing that went through my mind was,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26"Jeremy Beadle is dead, isn't he?"
0:32:27 > 0:32:30I thought, "If she turns around now and she's got a beard and goes,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32"Hey, it's me!
0:32:32 > 0:32:34"Hey, it's me!"
0:32:34 > 0:32:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:39 > 0:32:41But anyway she just turned around and said,
0:32:41 > 0:32:45"Right, first thing we've got to do, got to deal with your creases."
0:32:45 > 0:32:46My creases.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I didn't even know I had any creases.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51She said, "Your creases, that's where there's irritation.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53"Hair rubs against hair, causes irritation,
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"get on the bed, get your leg up."
0:32:55 > 0:32:58And this is what I'm saying, girls, where you have to get involved
0:32:58 > 0:33:00cos you have to get your leg up, don't you?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02You have to hold your own leg!
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Pull your own skin.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08They get a little spatula with this wax on.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11And it's like a wooden spatula, you know,
0:33:11 > 0:33:13like the doctor goes "ah" with, like that.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Not the same one obviously, that would be a bit...
0:33:16 > 0:33:18"Ah, uh, ah, uh!"
0:33:19 > 0:33:21But you get, you know...
0:33:23 > 0:33:25..a little thin strip and then boom, you go, "What the...?"
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Little thin strip, boom, you go...
0:33:35 > 0:33:39And then she says, and I quote...
0:33:39 > 0:33:43"Turn round now, I need to get to the root of the problem."
0:33:43 > 0:33:45LAUGHTER
0:33:47 > 0:33:49She turns back to the cauldron.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52I just lay down on the bed, I'm lying facedown,
0:33:52 > 0:33:54she turns round to me and she went, "What are you doing?"
0:33:54 > 0:33:56I said, "Well, you told me to turn round."
0:33:56 > 0:33:58She said, "I'm not a miner!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01"I'm not going to go looking for it, bring it here!"
0:34:03 > 0:34:05"Bring it here!"
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Like I was backing a van up!
0:34:09 > 0:34:10I'm like that.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14LAUGHTER
0:34:20 > 0:34:23And the girls will tell you. When you've got what's defined as
0:34:23 > 0:34:28"a problem area," you can tell, cos as soon as I start to back up,
0:34:28 > 0:34:30she went... LONG INHALE
0:34:30 > 0:34:34Like a builder looking at a big job, "Ooh."
0:34:34 > 0:34:37She obviously thought, "This spatula is not going to do."
0:34:37 > 0:34:40She went out and got a trowel, came back.
0:34:42 > 0:34:43I'm like that.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46And then if you've got what's called "a problem area,"
0:34:46 > 0:34:49they coat it a few times. Going to take a bit.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I mean, it's took 45 years to get there,
0:34:52 > 0:34:54it's not going to come off easy.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56So I'm like that.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59It's a very strange sensation, she's putting coat on after coat on,
0:34:59 > 0:35:01it's taking a while.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08"So are you busy then?"
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Honest to God, she put that many coats on I thought she was
0:35:17 > 0:35:19going to Artex it, it was ridiculous.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23And then all of a sudden she said, "Right, right, I've put
0:35:23 > 0:35:27"enough on," and they...that's right. She said, "I've put enough on."
0:35:27 > 0:35:31She said, "We've just gotta wait now until it goes hard." I went...
0:35:31 > 0:35:34LAUGHTER
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I said, "I think we could be a while to be fair, love."
0:35:39 > 0:35:43And then you know how they know it's gone hard, how they know it's ready?
0:35:43 > 0:35:44They knock on it!
0:35:48 > 0:35:51They knock on it like that.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57Different sounds from the big one and the little one.
0:35:57 > 0:35:58They knock on it.
0:35:58 > 0:36:05Do you know how weird it is to have someone knock on your bollocks...
0:36:05 > 0:36:07and you hear it before you feel it?
0:36:14 > 0:36:19Then she goes, "Ah, that's it. You're ready now."
0:36:20 > 0:36:22She goes, "Ah!"
0:36:22 > 0:36:24They pull the edge first, don't they?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27"Ah...ah."
0:36:27 > 0:36:30"You ready? Right, breathe in."
0:36:33 > 0:36:35"Breathe out."
0:36:35 > 0:36:38"Breathe in." Boom!
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Just pulls it off, boom!
0:36:41 > 0:36:44The noise was like Velcro.
0:36:45 > 0:36:51But Velcro that had been stuck there for 45 years!
0:36:51 > 0:36:54The windows shook!
0:36:54 > 0:36:58Soon as she pulled it off, she went "Boom, ssh."
0:36:58 > 0:37:03It was like the Karate Kid with Mr Miyagi, "Pull off, wipe on."
0:37:05 > 0:37:09I thought, "You're not vajazzling me, are you, love?"
0:37:10 > 0:37:14And then she walks round the front, honest to God, she went,
0:37:14 > 0:37:15"That's your problem."
0:37:17 > 0:37:19It looked like road kill.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24I thought, "There's your Fifty Shades Of Grey there.
0:37:24 > 0:37:25"Look at that."
0:37:30 > 0:37:32I thought, "No wonder I'm uncomfortable,
0:37:32 > 0:37:34"I've been sat on a rabbit."
0:37:36 > 0:37:38And as I say, I mean I'm describing
0:37:38 > 0:37:40this and I know there's a lot of lads in this room who are going,
0:37:40 > 0:37:42"Well, that's not for me," but do it.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45Do it once in your life for a life experience.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49It is un-believable!
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Yeah, it's painful and, yeah, it takes your breath away,
0:37:52 > 0:37:55massively takes your breath away, and you're there and you think,
0:37:55 > 0:37:57"Ah, God, what have I done this for?"
0:37:57 > 0:38:00And then she goes, "You can get off now. Get off the bed."
0:38:00 > 0:38:02So you get off the bed and you stand there.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05And it's that moment when you stand there like that...
0:38:07 > 0:38:11..and that first draught arrives.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14LAUGHTER
0:38:18 > 0:38:22It's like being picked up! You think, "I'm so light!
0:38:22 > 0:38:26"I must have lost about 4st! This is unbelievable!"
0:38:26 > 0:38:31You start walking like that! You can't walk properly!
0:38:31 > 0:38:35I walked out, I nearly got knocked over, I was walking like that.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36I nearly got knocked over.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38I thought, "What a bad time to be knocked over."
0:38:38 > 0:38:43Imagine getting knocked over after a treatment like that, eh?
0:38:43 > 0:38:46You'd be lying in hospital unconscious and they'd go,
0:38:46 > 0:38:47"We've no idea who this is,
0:38:47 > 0:38:51"but he is certainly the biggest ten-year-old we have ever seen."
0:38:51 > 0:38:55LAUGHTER
0:38:55 > 0:38:57APPLAUSE
0:38:57 > 0:39:00But as I say, Manchester, I've got a lot of affection for,
0:39:00 > 0:39:03but something happened to me this year in Manchester that
0:39:03 > 0:39:07I will never ever, ever forget. It was brilliant.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09It was one of those joyful moments that you think,
0:39:09 > 0:39:11"I can't believe I'm doing this."
0:39:11 > 0:39:14I got a phone call to say,
0:39:14 > 0:39:18"Would you get involved in a thing called Soccer Aid?"
0:39:18 > 0:39:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:21 > 0:39:24For those who don't know what Soccer Aid is, Robbie Williams
0:39:24 > 0:39:30gets this charity thing together for UNICEF and it's...an England
0:39:30 > 0:39:33team made up of ex-footballers and celebrities playing against
0:39:33 > 0:39:37a Rest Of The World team made up of ex-footballers and celebrities
0:39:37 > 0:39:42and I got phoned up for the England team obviously as an ex-footballer(!)
0:39:44 > 0:39:46And we turn up and it was fantastic.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49For a week you can be like a footballer -
0:39:49 > 0:39:52you stay in a hotel in London, you train in the morning,
0:39:52 > 0:39:54you just then spend the time in the hotel,
0:39:54 > 0:39:57everything's built to playing football of a weekend,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59you haven't got any real responsibilities,
0:39:59 > 0:40:04you can drive Ferraris, be randomly racist...
0:40:05 > 0:40:10..have the odd spit roast, it was fantastic for a week!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12And then you go off to play this game
0:40:12 > 0:40:14and the game's played at Old Trafford.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17During that week, the England team had not really mixed with
0:40:17 > 0:40:19the Rest Of The World team so I didn't know what was going on.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22We arrive at Old Trafford on the England bus.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Our team's made up of people like Paddy McGuinness, JLS,
0:40:25 > 0:40:29Robbie Williams, Mark Owen, Olly Murs,
0:40:29 > 0:40:32people of that nature, and our pros
0:40:32 > 0:40:36are like Teddy Sheringham, David Seaman, Graeme Le Saux,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Des Walker, Martin Keown, Kevin Phillips,
0:40:39 > 0:40:42good pros who have played for England.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45We're there, they said, "Look, we've arrived before the Rest Of The World
0:40:45 > 0:40:47team, yous lads should go out and inspect the pitch."
0:40:47 > 0:40:51I've never heard anyone say anything as stupid in all of my life,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54sending me and JLS out to inspect the pitch.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58As if we're going to stand there and go,
0:40:58 > 0:41:00"You know what, no, no, not playing on this.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03"Seen the length of this grass? We'll lose Mark Owen on this.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06"We're not fucking playing on this. Game's over."
0:41:06 > 0:41:10But we're just stood on the pitch, can't believe we're in Old Trafford.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13We're like that, we're looking around, it's unbelievable.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Then all of a sudden, the Rest Of The World squad come out.
0:41:16 > 0:41:17(I couldn't believe it.)
0:41:17 > 0:41:20First person I see, Kenny Dalglish, Ian Rush,
0:41:20 > 0:41:22and then behind them is their players.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Hernan Crespo is the first player I see.
0:41:24 > 0:41:28Hernan Crespo played for, I think it was three World Cups for Argentina!
0:41:28 > 0:41:31He comes out and I think, "That's fucking Hernan Crespo!"
0:41:31 > 0:41:33He comes out. The next one's Roy Keane.
0:41:33 > 0:41:34I've never met Roy Keane before.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36He comes walking out like that.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38I went, "All right, Roy?"
0:41:38 > 0:41:41He went, "Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah,"
0:41:41 > 0:41:43and then just carried on eating a puppy.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48But then what blew me away was their celebs.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Their celebs were another level altogether.
0:41:51 > 0:41:52They were like Hollywood.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Woody Harrelson comes out, Gerard Butler comes out,
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Edward Norton comes out and then all of a sudden, I see Will Ferrell.
0:41:58 > 0:41:59Will Ferrell.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02I went, "Eh! Eh, you! Eh! Eh!
0:42:02 > 0:42:04"We love you in our house! Elf! You!
0:42:04 > 0:42:09"Come here! Christmas, you, our house, fucking great!"
0:42:09 > 0:42:11But then my proper hero comes out, Mike Myers,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13Mike 'Austin Powers' Myers, he comes.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15I just couldn't believe it.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17I went up to him and said, "Mike," I said,
0:42:17 > 0:42:19"listen, Mike, I'm a massive fan."
0:42:19 > 0:42:21I said, "Really, honestly, Mike, it's just so great to meet you,"
0:42:21 > 0:42:25I said, "but come on, where is he?"
0:42:25 > 0:42:26And he went, "What, dude?"
0:42:26 > 0:42:30I said, "Come on, the little fella, come on, where is he?"
0:42:31 > 0:42:33He said, "What are you on about, dude?"
0:42:33 > 0:42:35I said, "Come on, man, you know the little fella!
0:42:35 > 0:42:38"Mini-Me! Where's Mini-Me?"
0:42:38 > 0:42:40He said, "Dude, we just have him in the movies."
0:42:40 > 0:42:43I said, "Oh, fuck off, Mike."
0:42:43 > 0:42:46I said, "You had a Mini-Me and you let him go?"
0:42:47 > 0:42:49"I wouldn't do that, I'd love a Mini-Me!"
0:42:49 > 0:42:54Imagine how brilliant it would be to have a Mini-Me.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56In my head, I couldn't get it out my head then,
0:42:56 > 0:42:58I was loving the idea, I thought you could go shopping.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01You know when you into those posh clothes shops where they bring you
0:43:01 > 0:43:04the clothes, I'd just get Mini-Me to hide in the changing room.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06When she brings in a T-shirt, get Mini-Me to go out and go,
0:43:06 > 0:43:08"Sorry, love, this is massive."
0:43:12 > 0:43:15"I don't know what you were thinking. I'm never going to wear this, am I?"
0:43:15 > 0:43:18You know when you're trying to sell your house,
0:43:18 > 0:43:20get people coming round to your house, knocking at your door
0:43:20 > 0:43:21and you go, "Ding-ding!
0:43:21 > 0:43:23"Oh, hi, you've come to see the house.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25"Well, come in. This is the hall.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27"Yeah, just decorated it two years ago. It's nice, yeah.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29"We like it. Just come in here, this is the living room."
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Just jump in the living room and hide behind the door
0:43:31 > 0:43:33and get Mini-Me stood in the living room going,
0:43:33 > 0:43:36"As you see, this is the living room.
0:43:36 > 0:43:37"Yeah, it's massive!"
0:43:39 > 0:43:41"Yeah, we love the big ceilings
0:43:41 > 0:43:44"and that is the biggest telly in the world, that's true, yeah."
0:43:44 > 0:43:46I couldn't get it out of my head.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48When we were on holiday, I was lying on the sun bed
0:43:48 > 0:43:50next to Melanie, I was going, "You know what, I'd love a Mini-Me.
0:43:50 > 0:43:54"If I had a Mini-Me now, I'd dive in that pool at one end,
0:43:54 > 0:43:56"I'd get him to come out the other end like that."
0:43:58 > 0:44:01"Bit hot, that water, you know? There's something wrong with that."
0:44:03 > 0:44:05But anyway, we played the game.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07And in many respects,
0:44:07 > 0:44:09this summarises the difference between men and women,
0:44:09 > 0:44:13because I know every man in this room now understands what I'm saying,
0:44:13 > 0:44:15you've got an opportunity to live the dream
0:44:15 > 0:44:16that you never thought you'd have -
0:44:16 > 0:44:19I'm playing on one of the most iconic football pitches in the world,
0:44:19 > 0:44:22I'm playing in front of 74,000 people.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24Un-believable!
0:44:24 > 0:44:25We win!
0:44:25 > 0:44:27We win. Fantastic.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29Big celebration at the end.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:44:31 > 0:44:33My missus has brought the kids.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36I come off the pitch, we go upstairs to one of the suites,
0:44:36 > 0:44:38all the kids are there, my missus is there,
0:44:38 > 0:44:40we're having a drink, they said, "Look, there's a party
0:44:40 > 0:44:42"back at the hotel, why don't you come?"
0:44:42 > 0:44:43We get on the team bus.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45I get her on the team bus with us.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49We get a police escort through the streets of Manchester
0:44:49 > 0:44:51to the Lowry Hotel, so we're in the posh hotel.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54We have a party there. We're there till 2:00 in the morning.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57We stay overnight. We go back to our house the following day.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00It's Monday. It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03I'm sat on our couch in the England tracksuit.
0:45:03 > 0:45:05I don't want the dream to end.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08I get the controls off the telly, I've got a cup of tea in my hand.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11I'm like that. She comes in, she said, "What are you going to do?"
0:45:11 > 0:45:13I said, "I'm just going to watch the telly.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15"I'm just going to watch Soccer Aid."
0:45:15 > 0:45:17She went, "Oh, is it on again?"
0:45:20 > 0:45:25I said, "No, I'm just going through Sky Plus so that I can watch it."
0:45:25 > 0:45:27She went, "Well, I didn't record it."
0:45:30 > 0:45:32LAUGHTER
0:45:35 > 0:45:38I said, "You didn't record it?"
0:45:38 > 0:45:42She said, "Well, what was the point of recording it? We were going!"
0:45:45 > 0:45:48But sometimes you get opportunities, don't you,
0:45:48 > 0:45:51to sort of realise how much you do understand each other.
0:45:51 > 0:45:54And I got this phone call, after all the Sport Relief things,
0:45:54 > 0:45:56I got a phone call around about May.
0:45:56 > 0:46:00And he said, he said, "John"... He's from Sport Relief.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03He said, "David Cameron's office phoned up and they've said would you
0:46:03 > 0:46:06"go down to 10 Downing Street and have a photograph with all
0:46:06 > 0:46:09"the other people from Sport Relief," and I said, "No."
0:46:09 > 0:46:10And they said, "Why?"
0:46:10 > 0:46:12And I said, "Cos I think he's a prick."
0:46:12 > 0:46:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:17 > 0:46:19And he said, "Well, that's a little bit harsh."
0:46:19 > 0:46:21I said, "I do - every time I see him with his shiny head
0:46:21 > 0:46:23"and his straight nose, talking about austerity
0:46:23 > 0:46:25"when he's got friggin' multi-millions in the bank
0:46:25 > 0:46:28"and he went to Eton, then he goes to Cambridge with all his mates."
0:46:28 > 0:46:31I said, "Every time I see him on the telly with his straight nose,
0:46:31 > 0:46:33"which proves he's never been punched in the face,
0:46:33 > 0:46:37"and I don't trust anyone who's never been punched in the face."
0:46:37 > 0:46:40So I said, "No, I don't want to meet him, not interested."
0:46:40 > 0:46:41So they went, "Oh, well,
0:46:41 > 0:46:45"we weren't really expecting that, but thank you." Put the phone down.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47You know when you think you've done something, you think,
0:46:47 > 0:46:49"That's fucking great, that. I'll phone my dad."
0:46:49 > 0:46:52So I phoned my dad, I said, "Dad, you'll never believe what's just happened -
0:46:52 > 0:46:55"I've just been invited to go down to 10 Downing Street
0:46:55 > 0:46:57"to meet Dave Cameron, I told 'em to stuff it."
0:46:57 > 0:46:58And he went, "You knob-head."
0:47:00 > 0:47:01I said, "What do you mean?"
0:47:01 > 0:47:04He said, "Well, how arrogant do you think you are?"
0:47:04 > 0:47:07He said, "It's not about you, it's about everyone!
0:47:07 > 0:47:08"It's about an opportunity."
0:47:08 > 0:47:12He said, "No-one in our family has ever had an opportunity
0:47:12 > 0:47:13"to go to 10 Downing Street.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17"No-one on our estate has had an opportunity
0:47:17 > 0:47:18"to go to 10 Downing Street.
0:47:18 > 0:47:20"People like us don't get that chance.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22"We never get a chance to walk through those doors."
0:47:22 > 0:47:24He said, "You need to go down there,
0:47:24 > 0:47:27"and you need to go, on behalf of everybody,
0:47:27 > 0:47:28"on behalf of all the people like us,
0:47:28 > 0:47:31"on behalf of all the people who have never had the chance,
0:47:31 > 0:47:33"never had an opportunity to cross that threshold.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36"You need to go down to 10 Downing Street
0:47:36 > 0:47:39"and when you're in there, nick something."
0:47:43 > 0:47:46"Just something little. Be dead funny.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48"We can put it behind the bar in the pub and go,
0:47:48 > 0:47:50"'John nicked that, ha-ha-ha.' It'll be a laugh."
0:47:50 > 0:47:52I thought, "All right, Dad, I will,"
0:47:52 > 0:47:54I went down in a new suit
0:47:54 > 0:47:57with a red tie so he knew where I stood.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59We walked in, we went to 10 Downing Street.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01When you get there, there's gates at the door,
0:48:01 > 0:48:02there's police by the gates.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05I just said, "Hello, I've come to see the Prime Minister."
0:48:05 > 0:48:07They said, "Oh, have you? Well, thank you for coming."
0:48:07 > 0:48:09I said, "Thank you, that's very pleasant."
0:48:09 > 0:48:12They said, "You have a pleasant day." I said, "That's very pleasant."
0:48:12 > 0:48:14It was dead easy, just walk in.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Can't see what's hard about it to be perfectly honest with you.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19I mean, admittedly I didn't have a bike and I'm not a cock,
0:48:19 > 0:48:21but that's slightly different.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23APPLAUSE
0:48:26 > 0:48:27We turn up, we go to 10 Downing Street,
0:48:27 > 0:48:30we're there with everyone else from Sport Relief,
0:48:30 > 0:48:32we're hanging around in the Cabinet Room,
0:48:32 > 0:48:34we're milling about and we're just having a chat.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37All of a sudden, the door opens and he just comes in -
0:48:37 > 0:48:39on his own, no entourage.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41I mean, having said that, it is his house.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44It'd be odd walking round your own house with an entourage.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46But he comes in, I've just seen him out the corner of my eye.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49I saw the reflection off his head,
0:48:49 > 0:48:52off that head that has never got a crease in it, that shiny head.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55He's come with that parting that looks like his mam still did it.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58He come in, straight nose, I thought, "That's you!
0:48:58 > 0:49:01"It's you, innit? You're the one who I shout at on the telly,
0:49:01 > 0:49:03"you with your friggin' austerity, come in here, look at you
0:49:03 > 0:49:06"with your shiny face, you're coming at me with your straight nose,
0:49:06 > 0:49:09"it's you, you're the one I think needs punching in the face!
0:49:09 > 0:49:11"You're coming right to... look at you,
0:49:11 > 0:49:14"you shiny-headed posh-nosed bastard, look at you! Look at you!"
0:49:14 > 0:49:17He just comes walking up to me and goes, "Hello, John." I went...
0:49:17 > 0:49:19POSH ACCENT: "Hello, Prime Minister."
0:49:19 > 0:49:22LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE
0:49:23 > 0:49:25I just thought, "Argh!"
0:49:25 > 0:49:29And you know when you're with someone who knows you more than you know yourself,
0:49:29 > 0:49:31Melanie's looking at me across the room going, "Leave it.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33"Leave it. Don't say anything else."
0:49:33 > 0:49:35I'm going, "I want to fucking say something..."
0:49:35 > 0:49:36"Just leave it."
0:49:36 > 0:49:39Then he walked along. To be fair to him, he's got fantastic charisma.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41Does that thing that every politician does -
0:49:41 > 0:49:43catches your eye, makes you think
0:49:43 > 0:49:45you're the most important person in the room.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48So he walks along, says to everyone, goes up to Helen Skelton,
0:49:48 > 0:49:51he said, "Helen, I watched what you did for Sport Relief and, oh,
0:49:51 > 0:49:54"you spent months in the cold and you were riding your bicycle
0:49:54 > 0:49:57"and kayaking - it was really, really so impressive, so impressive.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59"All that money and all that freezing cold,
0:49:59 > 0:50:01"It was really super, super.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05"Really, really super, super, super. Super."
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Then he comes up to David Walliams.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12He said, "David, I watched what you did
0:50:12 > 0:50:13"and the swimming and the 140 miles.
0:50:13 > 0:50:17"I thought it was super, really super, super, super effort,
0:50:17 > 0:50:22"really super, super, really super, very, very impressive, super, super."
0:50:24 > 0:50:25Then he comes to me.
0:50:25 > 0:50:30He said, "John...I watched what you did for Sport Relief."
0:50:30 > 0:50:31He said, "We were watching it at home.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34"I watched the documentary and it was super, really super,
0:50:34 > 0:50:37"but there was a moment where you were in that rowing boat
0:50:37 > 0:50:39"and there was a look on your face
0:50:39 > 0:50:41"and I've never seen anybody look more desperate
0:50:41 > 0:50:43"to get to the shores of England."
0:50:43 > 0:50:45I said, "Oh, really?"
0:50:45 > 0:50:49I said, "Well, you want to have a look at some of those illegal immigrants then, don't you?"
0:50:49 > 0:50:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:50:57 > 0:51:00He just went, "Mm...David!"
0:51:02 > 0:51:05So, ladies and gentlemen, you have been fantastic.
0:51:05 > 0:51:08I am so glad we filmed this DVD in Manchester,
0:51:08 > 0:51:10but there's one thing to do now.
0:51:10 > 0:51:11- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Slide!
0:51:11 > 0:51:12It's the slide.
0:51:14 > 0:51:15Oh, yeah!
0:51:17 > 0:51:18In style!
0:51:18 > 0:51:20CHEERING
0:51:20 > 0:51:23We're going to do the slide in style. This is going to be great.
0:51:23 > 0:51:27Do me a favour, I've gotta go up the slide, don't go.
0:51:29 > 0:51:31It'd be so heartbreaking to come out of the slide
0:51:31 > 0:51:33and there's no-one here.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Right, I'll be one minute.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:42 > 0:51:46I'm coming up! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
0:51:46 > 0:51:50Are we ready? Oh.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53- Ready? AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:51:53 > 0:51:58Manchester, one last slide, one last time, let's have it!
0:51:58 > 0:52:01We ready? Three!
0:52:01 > 0:52:05WITH AUDIENCE: Two! One! Hooray.
0:52:09 > 0:52:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:52:32 > 0:52:35That was brilliant!
0:52:35 > 0:52:38Look at the size of this place!
0:52:39 > 0:52:41What happened to me?
0:52:42 > 0:52:44At least something stayed the same.
0:52:46 > 0:52:48No, honest, it was always small.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for a brilliant night.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Please put your hands together for all the staff...
0:52:58 > 0:52:59..for all the crew...
0:53:02 > 0:53:05..and last, but not least, me.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14Thank you!
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Thank you.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Dean!
0:53:29 > 0:53:32CHEERING
0:53:35 > 0:53:38Dean is my little secret.
0:53:39 > 0:53:42But please keep the secret to yourself so we don't ruin
0:53:42 > 0:53:45the show for anyone else and also keep it to yourself
0:53:45 > 0:53:48in case Social Services find out
0:53:48 > 0:53:51because I've only just got him over from Bulgaria.
0:53:51 > 0:53:55He's no idea what's going on but Man City have put a bid in
0:53:55 > 0:53:56for 15 million.
0:53:59 > 0:54:01I'll be honest with you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:54:01 > 0:54:04I've never finished a show sharing the stage with somebody like that.
0:54:04 > 0:54:07It's almost like I've got my own Andrew Ridgeley...
0:54:09 > 0:54:12..because this is the closest I've ever got to being in Wham.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15MUSIC: "I'm Your Man" by Wham!
0:54:26 > 0:54:28MIMING: # Call me good
0:54:28 > 0:54:30# Call me bad
0:54:30 > 0:54:34# Call me anything you want to, baby
0:54:34 > 0:54:37# But I know that you're sad
0:54:37 > 0:54:41# And I know I'll make you happy with the one thing that you never had
0:54:41 > 0:54:47# Baby, I'm your man
0:54:47 > 0:54:49# Don't you know that?
0:54:49 > 0:54:55# Baby, I'm your man
0:54:55 > 0:54:56# You bet!
0:54:56 > 0:54:59# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me
0:54:59 > 0:55:02# If you're going to do it, do it right, right?
0:55:02 > 0:55:03# Do it with me... # Come on!
0:55:03 > 0:55:07# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me
0:55:07 > 0:55:10# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me
0:55:10 > 0:55:12# So good
0:55:12 > 0:55:14# You're divine
0:55:14 > 0:55:18# Wanna take you, wanna make you But they tell me it's a crime!
0:55:18 > 0:55:21# Everybody knows where the good people go
0:55:21 > 0:55:23# But where we're going, baby
0:55:23 > 0:55:25# Ain't no such word as no!
0:55:25 > 0:55:30# Baby, I'm your man
0:55:30 > 0:55:32# Don't you know who I am?
0:55:32 > 0:55:39# Baby, I'm your man
0:55:39 > 0:55:40# You bet!
0:55:40 > 0:55:43# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me
0:55:43 > 0:55:46# If you're going to do it, do it right, right?
0:55:46 > 0:55:49# Do it with me... # Come on, let's have you!
0:55:51 > 0:55:56Manchester, you've been brilliant!
0:55:56 > 0:55:59Once more on the slide! Once more!
0:56:01 > 0:56:06# And with some stimulation... #
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Come on, get up!
0:56:21 > 0:56:23CHEERING
0:56:23 > 0:56:26# So why waste time With the other guys?
0:56:26 > 0:56:28# When you can have mine
0:56:28 > 0:56:30# I ain't askin' for no sacrifice
0:56:30 > 0:56:35# Baby, your friends do not need to know!
0:56:35 > 0:56:37# I've got a real nice place to go
0:56:37 > 0:56:40# Listen, I don't need you to care
0:56:42 > 0:56:46# I don't need you to understand
0:56:46 > 0:56:48# All I want is for you to be there
0:56:48 > 0:56:50# And when I'm turned on
0:56:50 > 0:56:55# If you want me, I'm your man! #
0:56:55 > 0:56:58CHEERING
0:57:15 > 0:57:19Manchester, you've been brilliant! Thank you!
0:57:19 > 0:57:21Good night!