0:00:03 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Glasgow!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Yeah!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Good evening, Glasgow!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05CHEERING
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Thanks for that. Good to be here.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Good to be back. How are we feeling? Good?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Thanks for that beautiful welcome. Thanks for coming.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13I appreciate that.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17First of all, spending your hard earned dosh on a ticket to see me
0:01:17 > 0:01:18in these tough times.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Thanks very much for that. It means a lot. Sold out show.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Yeah!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24CHEERING
0:01:24 > 0:01:28In these tough times, spending your hard earned dosh on a ticket
0:01:28 > 0:01:31to see any comedian this year, knowing that there's a good chance
0:01:31 > 0:01:33we're paying fuck all tax.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Well done for that!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39People thought Jimmy Carr got it bad.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Wait till the press hear about me. I'm still signing on!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48That's just a wee joke there. An ice-breaker, before anybody's...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"Shock revelation..."
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I don't get these guys, dodging tax.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55How much money do you need?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You know these super rich guys
0:01:57 > 0:02:00with like £30 million in offshore accounts.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04If you've got £30 million, don't put it in an offshore account,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07put it in a current account and look at it!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I would never pass a cash machine again.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16"I'm just going to press 'display balance' over here, guy."
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"Your balance is £30 million!
0:02:22 > 0:02:26"Today you may withdraw 300 quid."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:33A double dip recession, is what they're calling it.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35That's what we're in. I don't know what that means.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It used to be a good thing, "double dip", innit?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Since when was that a negative?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44These bankers have ruined dib dabs!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50You used to get orange and cherry sherbet with a swizzle stick.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Now you think of government cuts.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53I don't fully understand it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58I read last week America, they're in 16 trillion dollars of debt.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00That is unacceptable, innit?!
0:03:00 > 0:03:04How do you get into 16 trillion dollars?!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Surely somebody at the IMF's got to phone,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"Look, you've got till Friday."
0:03:09 > 0:03:13"Trying to make us look like pricks, here? 16 trillion..."
0:03:13 > 0:03:16America are skint, Europe are skint, I hope
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Africa have got some good rock bands because we need a concert!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That's my solution - it's their round!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39They can show some appeal videos.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"This is Gordon and Diane, from Bishopbriggs!"
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"No, I cannae watch these videos!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Why do they always show you this stuff
0:03:56 > 0:03:59when you're having your tea, did you notice that?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"Gordon and Diane, like so many others,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"took out a fixed rate mortgage."
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Everybody's going...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"The world can be such a cruel place!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"Puts things into perspective. It was only this mornin'
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"I had the cheek to moan about having to walk 20 miles for clean water,
0:04:22 > 0:04:23then you see this!"
0:04:28 > 0:04:32"Every time I click my fingers a newly married couple from Dumfries
0:04:32 > 0:04:34have a credit card application rejected."
0:04:43 > 0:04:44A double dip recession!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I've got mates that've lost their job, I know people who have
0:04:47 > 0:04:51went beyond unemployment. I've got people in social circles,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I've got friends who I can only describe as being unemployed as fuck!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I know that's not fully utilising the English language,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04but it's what's being created these days - people who have just been
0:05:04 > 0:05:06forgotten about,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08people who are unemployed as fuck!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11They've just been forced to embrace the rut they're in.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13They're just sat at home, they've got their routines,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Homes Under The Hammer, then it's Man v. Food.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20They're fuckin' adamant they've been mis-sold PPI!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Every 15 minutes you see that advert.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32On the phone, "Where's my PPI then?! Eh?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36"I don't know what it stands for, but I would like it back!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"I need that money so I can adopt a snow leopard!"
0:05:45 > 0:05:46I feel for them. It must be tough.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Under the coalition government,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I love their proposals for the job crisis, David Cameron and their
0:05:51 > 0:05:55guys - the work experience programmes creating jobs for people.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Just like normal jobs, the only difference being you don't get paid.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03If you're unemployed, you get to work but you don't get any wages for it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It's to boost your self-esteem. How condescending!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07That's what people need!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"Last Friday of the month, I'm going to go check and see
0:06:10 > 0:06:11"if my self-esteem's in."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"Feelin' a bit low. Thank the Lord! It's self-esteem Friday!"
0:06:23 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"Going to try and pay these bills. 'Hi, is that British Gas?'
0:06:29 > 0:06:31'Listen mate, I'm skint, but I feel terrific!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36LAUGTHER
0:06:36 > 0:06:40'I'm wondering, are you prepared to accept self-esteem?'
0:06:40 > 0:06:44'Or maybe I can go on Skype and just smile at you, how's that?'
0:06:48 > 0:06:51To stop people slipping into depression, David Cameron said
0:06:51 > 0:06:53about the work experience programmes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Poundstretcher was one of the first shops to sign up to these programmes.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Workin' in Poundstretcher for no wages, that's pretty depressing!
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Workin' in a shop where everything is worth a quid, except you!
0:07:08 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:14CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:07:16 > 0:07:18It's about as depressing as it gets!
0:07:18 > 0:07:19You look at these guys
0:07:19 > 0:07:23and what would David Cameron know about being unemployed?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25He's never been unemployed as fuck! He's never...
0:07:25 > 0:07:29David Cameron's never woken up at three o'clock in the afternoon.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37He's never had a packet of Flaming Hot Monster Munch for his breakfast!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:42David Cameron's never known that feelin'
0:07:42 > 0:07:45of waking up at three in the afternoon and your only goal
0:07:45 > 0:07:49for the day is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of your toilet!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00WHISTLING
0:08:00 > 0:08:02You know when you start seeing that as a challenge?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06"OK, that's been three days, that's ridiculous!"
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"I could use the brush but that's admitting defeat!"
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"Gonnae get a glass of water, I'm gonnae reload here!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"I'll be two minutes tryin' to get a hard on,
0:08:20 > 0:08:21"get a bit of pressure on this!"
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:29David Cameron...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33I reckon even Nick Clegg regrets gettin' involved with David Cameron.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I reckon Nick Clegg... I look at him,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37He's only guilty of that thing I've done myself.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I imagine most of you have -
0:08:39 > 0:08:41when you meet somebody on your first day in a new job
0:08:41 > 0:08:44or a new course and you hit it off, you've found a new buddy.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48You've found a new friend, but as the days and weeks go on,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51you slowly begin to discover that your new pal is a dick!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01And everybody else knows the guy's a bellend, but it's too late
0:09:01 > 0:09:05for you, you've committed and you're now known as "The Bellend's Pal"!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I'm not a big political guy.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Scottish independence, that's been gettin' talked about.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16DISTANT CHEERING
0:09:16 > 0:09:18We're havin' a... A couple of... Freedom!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Yes, yeah.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22People booing, people cheering.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I don't think anything's going to get resolved at a comedy show,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27but feel free to voice your opinions!
0:09:29 > 0:09:322014, that's when they're having the referendum,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35that's because it's 700 years after the Battle of Bannockburn.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That's to get us patriotic.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You know, we're gonnae show Braveheart the night before
0:09:40 > 0:09:43that referendum, STV, nine o'clock, Braveheart!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I reckon we should also show Trainspotting, just to even it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"We want freedom, that's us! Oh, that's also us."
0:09:59 > 0:10:01We're quite an open-minded country, Scotland.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I've seen something quite refreshing.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07We had an anti-immigration demo, seen this in the paper,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09in Irvine, that's where they had it,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12an anti-immigration demo in Irvine,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15a place that has got fuck all and nobody would move to!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18That's where they had the anti-immigration demo.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And it was quite refreshing that only 18 people showed up,
0:10:23 > 0:10:24I read that in the paper.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It'd be a bigger turnout if the wave machine broke in The Magnum Centre,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30that would have been a turnout!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35That would have been a demo. That would've been animosity...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37"I fuckin' brought the wee man down!
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"And the wave machine's not workin?"
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"Go and finish your Slush Puppie, son,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"Daddy's goin' to speak to the man!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I was about 13 before I discovered that sentence,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"Daddy's goin' to speak to the man" means
0:10:53 > 0:10:57"Mummy will pick you up from the police station."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I don't really have an opinion on Scottish independence.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I suppose I'm in the "Fuck it, it'll be a laugh" camp!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Maybe, in 50 years, you'll turn on The National Geographic channel,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16see programmes like Scottish Border Cops.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Two guys in the airport interrogating some poor guy from Leamington Spa!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Not like real cops, just like rock steady guys.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34You know, the G4S guys that have swapped their personality
0:11:34 > 0:11:37for a hi-vis jacket! You know them guys?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I would watch that, Scottish Border Cops,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50goin' through the guy's bag, "And what's this?"
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"It's, er, it's a banana, why? Are those illegal?"
0:11:53 > 0:11:57"I never said they were illegal, pal, but we don't like them!"
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Have we got any English in?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Whoo! Just one person there!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I don't think we're anti-English. People confuse us...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11ENGLISH ACCENT: "Why don't you support us in major football
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"tournaments? Every tournament, let me get this straight,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18"you actively support the other teams because they're playing England?"
0:12:18 > 0:12:19"That's pretty much it, mate!"
0:12:27 > 0:12:31That's nothing anti-English, though, that's the England football team,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33guys like John Terry, I know he's quit,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I look at John Terry in the papers, he looks like the kind of guy,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40if he never made it as a footballer, you'd see him outside a pub
0:12:40 > 0:12:44in Tenerife or somewhere goin' "You guys want a free shot tonight?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"What's the plan tonight, lads?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Comin' down The Bull's Head for a free Sambuca?
0:12:53 > 0:12:54"Gottle of geer!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59"You'll love it, mate, loads of girls, free shots, c'mon down!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"Just say Jono sent you, big JT. Free shot, mate."
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Scottish football, we're goin' through an interesting period there.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11CHEERING
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Feel the division in the camp there!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I only said, "Scottish football." People going...
0:13:18 > 0:13:19HE INHALES
0:13:19 > 0:13:21"Just you fuckin' tread carefully, pal!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It's a tough one to explain, Scottish football.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33ENGLISH ACCENT: "What actually happened up there?
0:13:33 > 0:13:34"Was it a two horse race?"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"That's it, mate, but we lost a horse!"
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Scottish football's become showjumping.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I don't know how they feel and I know we're getting a bit, you know,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48tension there, but I had to laugh at it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Rangers Football Club, they owed a lot of people money.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57I read the list of everybody that was owed money and it just got surreal.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02They owed like...60 quid was owed to a local newsagent,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04these small sums that made it mental.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06About 60 quid to a local taxi firm
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and then the one that made me chuckle.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14It said £40 was owed to a local, Glasgow face painting company.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I had to read it a few times,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Does that say face painting company?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"How the did they...? 40 quid to a face painting company!"
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The newspaper article never explained why.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29There was no backup information,
0:14:29 > 0:14:33just left that there, as if that's a common footballing expense!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34A face painting company!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38The club have been in financial meltdown and there's some guy
0:14:38 > 0:14:42runnin' about the boardroom kiddin' on he's a tiger!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Some guy just opening doors, going, "Rrrr!"
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What was going on?! "I dare you do the Chairman!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"I fuckin' will do the Chairman. I fuckin' will!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:09"Rrrr!"
0:15:12 > 0:15:15The boardroom going, "Will you go and wash your face, ya fuckin' idiot!
0:15:18 > 0:15:22"Trying to fix these accounts here, sorry about him, boys.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"40 quid he spent on that!"
0:15:35 > 0:15:38"Ah, 40 quid, but it's a cracker. Did ya see his whiskers?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:45There we go. Rrrr! Halloween's coming up.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I think that's quite a hallucinogenic experience,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Halloween, in this city.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Any UK city, cos we don't really, in Scotland or England,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55we don't really have a laid-back, festival, carnival culture.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Everybody gets dressed up
0:15:57 > 0:15:59but there's still violence in the streets.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I've walked down Sauchiehall Street on Halloween
0:16:03 > 0:16:04and I thought I was on something.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I just... Everybody's dressed up but emotions still run high.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10They're by no means in high spirits.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11There's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
0:16:11 > 0:16:14kicking shit out of SpongeBob SquarePants!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, she's eating chips and cheese,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23shouting, "Barry, fuckin' leave him!"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Buzz Lightyear and Woody handcuffed up against a shop window!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"Watch this, boys. You're my favourite deputy!"
0:16:51 > 0:16:54"You're going to get us a weekender, ya knob! Shut up!"
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Rrrr!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Ah, big summer of sport we did have, we had the Olympics.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Don't know if we enjoyed that, the Olympics, here.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07MINGLED CHEERING AND BOOING
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Somebody booing the Olympics there.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14I enjoyed it, Usain Bolt, that's a great name, innit?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16You can make his name sound quite confrontational.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17"Usain? Bolt!"
0:17:24 > 0:17:27What's his middle name, a tut? "Usain? Tut! Bolt!"
0:17:30 > 0:17:32The Olympics, I enjoyed the Olympics and the Paralympics.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I enjoyed the whole thing, thought it was pretty good.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37see the prefix "para" it means parallel,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40that's why they call it the Para-lympics.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Parallel, it runs parallel with the actual Olympics.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46See, "para", to me and people my age,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I've always associated that with paranoia, right?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53If you describe somebody as being a bit "para",
0:17:53 > 0:17:57it means they've just had too many good weekends
0:17:57 > 0:18:01and their brain has just said, "I'm out of here.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"You can do the rest yourself. I'm just going to go."
0:18:05 > 0:18:07You know, guys you see in house parties at eight in the morning,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10long after the party's finished, just sitting on the couch
0:18:10 > 0:18:12wearing somebody's mum's dress.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Both their eyebrows missing.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29That's somebody you would say, "He looks a bit para!"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I laughed this year, I seen Para-lympics.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Well, how good would that be,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38an athletics event for acid casualties? I'd go to that!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Just a thought I had, the Para-lympics,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45see some guy shattering the 100 metre record
0:18:45 > 0:18:48cos he thought the police were chasing him!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Commentator - "And what made this even more special was
0:18:53 > 0:19:00"he completed the entire race with his head over his left shoulder
0:19:00 > 0:19:04"whilst frantically emptying his pockets onto the track."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11They could have a false start at the Para-lympics,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"The fuckin' voice in my head said go!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:18The diving.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Some guy up the top of the diving board, just refusing to jump.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"No chance, that's the shallow end!"
0:19:28 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:37What about you, big guy, do you play any sports?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Guy with the biceps there.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41The Olympics get you inspired, no? You get involved, yeah?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42You play sports, what do you play?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Anything you want. - Anything you want to play ?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Right, I'm no' seeing if you're coming oot! I'm just asking!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I'm not at your door with a ball under my arm.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's no' the summer holidays.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58And we're no' ten, I'm just asking, do you play?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I'm kinda busy the noo for a game of Kerby. I'm just asking!
0:20:02 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:08 > 0:20:11"Anything you want to play! Aye, it's pishing doon,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"We'll just play the computer? Sit in?"
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Do you play computer games? Nah?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I gave up on them, I played COD, that's what my wee cousin said,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23"Oh, you need to get COD." Call Of Duty.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24I'll explain that to anybody over 40.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27It's the biggest selling computer game of all time.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It's Call Of Duty, the kids call it COD.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30I'll just explain that
0:20:30 > 0:20:33in case you ever get invited over for a game of COD
0:20:33 > 0:20:36and you show up with the wrong stuff!
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Walk into your nephew's living room. Start slapping people!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"Bet you never thought Uncle Eddie could play COD, boys, eh?"
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"I was the West of Scotland semifinalist in the '80s at COD.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03"Love it!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06"After this we'll play Smoked Haddock!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:09"Same rules, different fish."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"That is minging, Uncle Eddie!"
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"Sorry about him, boys, he's a fanny!"
0:21:22 > 0:21:25So you don't play much sport, then, Big Guy? What's your name?
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Chris.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Chris. Name's Chris. Good man, Chris!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I was always petrified of playing sport.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34When I was young, I blame the managers, that's the problem
0:21:34 > 0:21:37with youth development in football in this country.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Go to your local playing fields, on a Saturday morning
0:21:40 > 0:21:42and watch these guys who manage under-10s.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Go if you've got a relative involved, otherwise it can look
0:21:45 > 0:21:48a bit dubious, if you just sort of show up every week.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50I watch these guys.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54These guys have got their initials stitched onto their tracksuit,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57on the touchline, they've got an earpiece in, so they can communicate
0:21:57 > 0:22:00to their assistant manager, he's sitting up in a tree!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Got a pair of Adidas Sambas on, football socks pulled up,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11pair of nice, tight shorts, nice '80s style.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Just screaming abuse. That's what put me off.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Terrifying, these guys. Just going "Jamie, come inside."
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Just screaming demoralising abuse at nine-year-olds.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20"Come inside, son. Jamie. Jamie!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"None of that fancy stuff. OH, FUCK YOU, JAMIE!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27"That's why your mum's an alkie, ya wee prick!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"I know, George, but it's every fuckin' Saturday!"
0:22:43 > 0:22:46You go on any holidays this summer, Chris?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- I'm going next week!- You're going next week,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- where are you going?- Florida! - Going to Florida? Good man.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52They don't understand a word I say.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57I went over to America, I done a gig in America and after the gig
0:22:57 > 0:23:01a guy said to me, "H-hey, buddy, er, are you actually Scottish?"
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER And I said yes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And a bit of your soul dies when you say yes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08You're used to saying "aye".
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You feel your brain giving you a wanker sign.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:23:21 > 0:23:24He said, "Are you actually Scottish?" And I said yes.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27And he said, "Man, your English is so good!"
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I went on holiday. You see it from a different perspective
0:23:32 > 0:23:34when you go away with your friends for the first time.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I've always seen them in action, but when you actually go on one,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40a boys' or a girls' holiday, the holiday starts months in advance,
0:23:40 > 0:23:44the day you go and book the holiday, that's a wee holiday in itself!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Saturday morning, get a couple of cans,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"Let's get steaming, go and book this!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:51You don't just send a couple of representatives.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53About 18 of you go to the travel agent.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Boot the door off the hinges!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01"Get us tae fuck!"
0:24:01 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"The deal in the window times 18!"
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Of the original 18 who sign up, only four will make it.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20It's a bit like a boot camp.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Unemployed-as-fuck mates, they're the first ones to bail on you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25They fall at the first hurdle.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"Don't know if I can go, lads, unless my PPI comes in!"
0:24:31 > 0:24:34D'ye think Thomas Cook will take self-esteem?"
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I went away...I went away for two weeks with my mates.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45That's a mistake that you make once in your life,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47going on holiday with your friends for two weeks.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49You go on holiday with your friends for two weeks,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52you will discover that you have no friends.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58The second week, you start to feel feelings of overwhelming anger.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You don't even know why you're furious.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Inhuman levels of fucking rage!
0:25:03 > 0:25:08Just sitting at the side of the pool, with a hat on, shorts, sunburn
0:25:08 > 0:25:11right up to there, and sunburnt to here,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14your T-shirt's still damp cos you've been in the pool.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Just sitting there, raging!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"See that fucking prick?!"
0:25:31 > 0:25:32"I'm gonnae fucking kill him!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"How, what's he done?" "Just fucking look at him!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"Look at the way he reads the paper.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"He turns the page, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52"He fucking knows it annoys me!"
0:25:56 > 0:25:58You see the real guys on your plane. We were the newcomers.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You see the professional lads' holidays, with their T-shirts made,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04they're on your plane, nicknames on the T-shirts.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Shagger, Rambo, Craigy, Ginge,
0:26:06 > 0:26:11That's the four accepted nicknames for a professional class of '97 -
0:26:11 > 0:26:14guys who have made bail money in pesetas and escudos.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18They're the guys on your plane hitting the call bell, 40,000 feet,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21saying, "Excuse me, mate, gonnae give that CD to the pilot?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22"Tell him track 10!"
0:26:22 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:30WHISTLING
0:26:32 > 0:26:36You know when you're that drunk, there's only a finger that can move?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You're still trying to buy more alcohol
0:26:43 > 0:26:45and the cabin crew are saying, "You do realise, guys,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48"that one alcoholic drink consumed in the sky, it's the equivalent
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"of two consumed on the ground?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"Ya hear that, Craigy? Fucking wake up!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"Guy says it's two-for-wans, mate, get up!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"Get up, ya prick, it's happy hour!"
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I got asked last week, "What kind of music do you like, Kev?"
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I don't know. Don't have a clue.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Modern stuff just sounds the same to me.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Everything's all that R&B stuff, be like these days, "In da club!"
0:27:17 > 0:27:21All that sort of stuff, "Everybody in da club! In da club!"
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It's how every song sounds to me.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26"In da club, in da club, in da club!"
0:27:26 > 0:27:29They just speak in a language I don't get.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31"Everybody gonna shuffle on down in da club!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"Getting freaky! In da club!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38"I'm feeling sexy, In da club, in da club!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"In da club, in da club, in da club!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"DJ spinning my song in da club! In da club, in da club!"
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Everything happens in this club wi' these pricks, doesn't it?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47"In the club! In da club!"
0:27:49 > 0:27:51"We ain't gonna stop till it's time to start again!
0:27:51 > 0:27:55"In da club! In da club, in da club, in da club!"
0:27:55 > 0:27:57You know songs that make you feel thick?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00You actually feel it deleting cookies in your brain?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04"In da club, in da club, in da club!"
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And the song finishes and you think, "I now know less stuff!"
0:28:07 > 0:28:10LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I've just forgot the difference
0:28:13 > 0:28:15between a pastoral and an arable farm.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20"In da club, in da club, in da club!"
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Even their names, Will.i.am. That guy.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25How do you get to that stage in your celebrity status?
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Will.i.am? His name's William.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You just decided to start putting full stops in the middle?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Will.i.am!?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35If I was to request to be known as Kev.i.n,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38I'd get a slap in the face!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43If I was to sit my dad down and say
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"Dad, I thinking about reinventing myself as Kev.i.n"...
0:28:49 > 0:28:53..he'd be saying... HE INHALES
0:28:53 > 0:28:55.."Just run that by me again, son?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01"Want to step outside, talk me through this?"
0:29:04 > 0:29:08That song, Bruno Mars, that's when I lost a bit of faith in modern music.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10"I'd catch... I'd catch a grenade for you."
0:29:10 > 0:29:13That song. Heard that song a few years ago.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15# I'd catch a grenade for ya!"
0:29:15 > 0:29:18That's what passes for romance these days? That's a love song,
0:29:18 > 0:29:21in the modern day. "I would catch a grenade for you!"
0:29:21 > 0:29:24That's a guy, singing about the depths of his love
0:29:24 > 0:29:26for what I'm guessing is his girlfriend,
0:29:26 > 0:29:27that he's prepared to catch...
0:29:27 > 0:29:30I don't mean to offer the guy relationship advice
0:29:30 > 0:29:31but if you're dating somebody,
0:29:31 > 0:29:33who people are chucking grenades at...
0:29:33 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER
0:29:39 > 0:29:41..that's your first problem, right there.
0:29:41 > 0:29:42"Whoa!
0:29:43 > 0:29:45"Is that an ex of yours?"
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Where does he plan on taking her?
0:29:49 > 0:29:52A romantic stroll doon the Helmand Province?
0:29:54 > 0:29:56"C'mon! I'll catch them! C'mon!
0:29:58 > 0:30:00"C'mon!"
0:30:02 > 0:30:04APPLAUSE
0:30:07 > 0:30:10"Ah, you're so cute when you worry! C'mon!
0:30:12 > 0:30:14"Oop, don't worry, I caught it! There you go."
0:30:14 > 0:30:16That's the kind of girl your mum would say,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19"I think you can do a bit better than that, son!"
0:30:20 > 0:30:23I like a bit of honesty in my song lyrics.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27If I was singing a love song, I'd be singing promises I could deliver.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30"I would take a dead arm for you!" Something like that.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40# I'd take a deidie for you!"
0:30:44 > 0:30:46"I'd take a right good slagging for you!"
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Aye, we like our celebrity these days.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53We like that, a bit of celebrity culture.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56I'm the same. I watch these chat shows with all these plant pots,
0:30:56 > 0:30:58like Nicole Scherzinger and Nicki Minaj and Madonna
0:30:58 > 0:31:02and all these people, just... I've been on chat shows with these types.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05They go on and they start, "Yeah," all that self-absorbed...
0:31:05 > 0:31:08I'd love to host a chat show. I've been thinking about this.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10I'd love to host a chat show...
0:31:10 > 0:31:14jWHISTLING AND CHEERING
0:31:14 > 0:31:17I would call it Did Ye, Aye?
0:31:17 > 0:31:18LAUGHTER
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Cos that is the only thing I think when I watch these people.
0:31:27 > 0:31:33That self-absorbed, just lack of humility, when they start whingeing,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36"Yeah, er, you know man, er, after the incident,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39"which I'm not prepared to talk about, er,
0:31:39 > 0:31:43"I guess I disappeared into a bad place, you know?
0:31:43 > 0:31:47"I went to a dark place and I didn't even know myself any more.
0:31:47 > 0:31:48"I was pretty low.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52"I looked in the mirror and I didn't even know who that guy was any more,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55"man, and that, that was a tough time for me, but I realise now,
0:31:55 > 0:31:58"that I had to go to that place to survive,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01"but I had to go to that place and survive, to get to this place,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04"you know, man? I had to go there, to get here."
0:32:06 > 0:32:07"Aw, did ye, aye?"
0:32:07 > 0:32:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Just that one dismissive term, and just leaving it hanging,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24just offer a vacant stare in return.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Till the studio audience, the tension's unbearable, occasionally
0:32:30 > 0:32:34breaking the stare to give the crowd the "Who's this prick?" look.
0:32:34 > 0:32:35LAUGHTER
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Like, "Yeah, there's so many different me's.
0:32:39 > 0:32:44"There's happy me, angry me, and - you do not want to see angry me -
0:32:44 > 0:32:46"and, er, I guess I was becoming this new me,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50"that you guys in the media had created and you know, I get tired."
0:32:50 > 0:32:51"Oh, did ye, aye?"
0:32:51 > 0:32:53LAUGHTER
0:32:57 > 0:33:00At school, remember at school, when somebody was talking shite
0:33:00 > 0:33:04you could just counter their claims by going, "Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"
0:33:04 > 0:33:06LAUGHTER
0:33:06 > 0:33:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:13 > 0:33:16That's how I feel when I watch a celebrity chat.
0:33:16 > 0:33:17"Did ye, aye? Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"
0:33:20 > 0:33:23There's some aspects of school life should have continued
0:33:23 > 0:33:25long into adulthood, that's number one in the list.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28When somebody's talking nonsense, that should remain a valid retort.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29"Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"
0:33:32 > 0:33:35That made me laugh at ten, makes me laugh at 25.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37I'll laugh at that when I'm in my eighties.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39I'll be in a nursing home.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41CHEERING
0:33:42 > 0:33:44There'll be some care worker, saying,
0:33:44 > 0:33:48"Mr Bridges, I hope you know, your grandchildren, they're so excited
0:33:48 > 0:33:50"to come and visit you on Sunday, isn't that nice?
0:33:50 > 0:33:52"They can't wait to come and see you.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55"They're so excited, to come and spend the whole day with you!"
0:33:55 > 0:33:57and I'll be going, "Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"
0:33:57 > 0:33:58LAUGHTER
0:34:07 > 0:34:08Bnnnhhh!
0:34:10 > 0:34:14I hated school. I could never even enjoy the weekends.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17At primary school, I could never even enjoy the weekends
0:34:17 > 0:34:20for worrying about going back on the Monday. Remember that?
0:34:20 > 0:34:23I used to get a gut-wrenching feeling on Sundays
0:34:23 > 0:34:28as the telly programmes like Lovejoy and London's Burning
0:34:28 > 0:34:31and then Heartbeat. Oh!
0:34:32 > 0:34:35Used to have that "school in the morning" telly.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38The Heartbeat theme tune would come on.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Just feel as if it's getting in your arse
0:34:41 > 0:34:44and ripping your spirit out through your arsehole.
0:34:44 > 0:34:45"Oh!"
0:34:47 > 0:34:51"Oh-ho-ho! Oh, it's my spirit leaving my arse again, oh!"
0:34:51 > 0:34:55HE HUMS THEME FROM "HEARTBEAT"
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Oh-ho-ho-haw!
0:34:58 > 0:35:01HUMS "HEARTBEAT" DESPAIRINGLY
0:35:01 > 0:35:03# Heartbeat! # "Ah, ya f..."
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Claude Greengrass - how come every time he's on the telly
0:35:07 > 0:35:10I need to go for a bath? Auld bastart!
0:35:10 > 0:35:12LAUGHTER
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I enjoyed high school. Used to do that.
0:35:21 > 0:35:22Used to play a bit of truant.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24I need to call it "playing truant" cos we've got a DVD.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Don't want to talk about dogging,
0:35:26 > 0:35:28in case there's English watching it. Goin'...
0:35:30 > 0:35:32CHEERING
0:35:36 > 0:35:40ENGLISH ACCENT: "Is he talking about his school days
0:35:40 > 0:35:42"and he was going dogging?
0:35:44 > 0:35:48"Shall we, er, reopen this case?"
0:35:48 > 0:35:52"Playing truant" up here is called dogging. I used to like that.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55I never done it a lot, I just used to go in,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58maybe a wee, one Friday a month, one Friday, always a Friday.
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Take a wee voluntary day off,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02get as far as registration, say, "Here, Miss!"
0:36:02 > 0:36:03and then fuck off!
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Back to somebody's mum and dad's house about half past nine.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11They'd be at work, place to ourselves, and we always had
0:36:11 > 0:36:15a mate who would always show up at these "playing truant"
0:36:15 > 0:36:16or dogging sessions...
0:36:18 > 0:36:19LAUGHTER
0:36:19 > 0:36:22He always used to have pornos on him. That was his thing.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24He loved pornos.
0:36:24 > 0:36:29Not porn, "pornos". And they came in magazine format,
0:36:29 > 0:36:33in VHS format, and then, towards the latter stages, in DVD format.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Everybody liked a bit of porn,
0:36:35 > 0:36:38but this wee guy, was fascinated - porn was his thing.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Never seen him since school.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43Wee weirdo. Liked burning stuff - you know they guys?
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Put a bit of shite on a stick and chase ye.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48LAUGHTER
0:36:51 > 0:36:53You'd leave your lunch and you'd come back
0:36:53 > 0:36:55and there's a pube in it, and he's going, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:36:59 > 0:37:01There was one day, we were playing truant,
0:37:01 > 0:37:05full house, and he'd brought along his schoolbag with some porn in it
0:37:05 > 0:37:08and from the porn bag he produced a porn DVD
0:37:08 > 0:37:13and it was genuinely entitled "Anal Pandemonium 5".
0:37:13 > 0:37:15That's what he pulled out.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17That was the title.
0:37:17 > 0:37:22That title will stick with you, your whole life. Anal Pandemonium 5.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27So you look at it, thinking, "This is monumental,"
0:37:27 > 0:37:32first time I've ever seen the DVD cover of Anal Pandemonium 5.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34And I go, "I don't know if this is, I'm just at
0:37:34 > 0:37:37"the Red Shoe Diaries, Eurotrash, am I getting fast-tracked here?"
0:37:39 > 0:37:40But it was unanimous.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Only one option for the afternoon's entertainment.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Stuck it on the DVD player.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48None of us had seen the first four, but we're getting the gist.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50LAUGHTER
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Everybody transfixed on it.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00Porno, five, ten minutes in, wee weirdo guy, he got up
0:38:00 > 0:38:04and he left the sitting area and went upstairs to the bathroom
0:38:04 > 0:38:07and, upon his return, it was noted he was gone
0:38:07 > 0:38:12too long to be taking a piss, but not long enough to be doing a shite.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15LAUGHTER
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Accusations begin to fly.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Anal Pandemonium 5 gets paused.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25"Fucking pause that till we speak to this pervert here!"
0:38:28 > 0:38:31One of the big, unmistakable "we're watching porn" pauses,
0:38:31 > 0:38:33where there's just dildos lying on everything.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Nobody's going to walk in and go, "What's that they're watching?"
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Just, filth! That was the backdrop for this interrogation.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41And he went on the defensive.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43We're going, "Where have you been, then, ya dirty bastard?"
0:38:43 > 0:38:46And he's goin', "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!"
0:38:47 > 0:38:49He says, "I was just upstairs."
0:38:49 > 0:38:52He said, "I was taking a shite."
0:38:52 > 0:38:54And we're looking at the time.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59Trying to do the maths, thinking, "A shite? In that time?!"
0:38:59 > 0:39:01"Did ye forget to wipe your arse?!"
0:39:01 > 0:39:03LAUGHTER
0:39:05 > 0:39:08And he said, "Naw, it was a ghostie!"
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Immediately, we're on the back foot.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21We never even considered that an option.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23LAUGHTER
0:39:23 > 0:39:25A ghostie!
0:39:25 > 0:39:30The perfect shite. Not one sheet of toilet roll required.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Not a flush is needed.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34The environment does not get damaged in the slightest.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Just, casually, strolls right out.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40"Don't mind me mate, nothing to see!" Hits the water. "Cheerio."
0:39:42 > 0:39:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Thinking, "I'm sure... I'm sure I took a shite there!"
0:39:56 > 0:39:58LAUGHTER
0:40:05 > 0:40:06It felt like a shite.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10It smells like a shite!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12I needed a shite, I now no longer need a shite.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16But I cannot seem to locate a shite.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24It's like Keyser Soze. Just gone.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28That was it. We even apologised to the guy.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31"Sorry, mate," we thought, "Nah, we won't even mention what we thought.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33"There you go. Help ye back to your seat there."
0:40:33 > 0:40:34Un-paused the feature.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40It was a shite, just realised I said "shite" about ten times.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Shite's a great word, isn't it? Under-used.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45It's only Scotland and Ireland who still keep that strong. "Shite!"
0:40:45 > 0:40:49Don't like "shit". Shit's become a utility word.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Shite MEANS shite.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53"Shit" means anything these days.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55"Do you wanna smoke some of that shit?"
0:40:55 > 0:40:57"I'm really digging your shit."
0:40:57 > 0:40:58"I need to go home and pack my shit."
0:40:58 > 0:41:01LAUGHTER
0:41:01 > 0:41:04You could never put "shite" on they sentences.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07LAUGHTER
0:41:12 > 0:41:13APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:41:19 > 0:41:21"Want to smoke some of that shite?"
0:41:26 > 0:41:28"You're really digging my shite?"
0:41:30 > 0:41:32"You're going home early to pack your shite?!"
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Or "poo". That's annoying.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Adults that still say "poo".
0:41:38 > 0:41:42"Er, guys, can we stop the car? I really have to go for a poo."
0:41:46 > 0:41:47"I've just seen your ID here."
0:41:49 > 0:41:52"You're over seven and you want to go for a poo?"
0:41:52 > 0:41:54LAUGHTER
0:41:54 > 0:41:55A poo!
0:41:57 > 0:41:59That's that new voice that's creeping in.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02You know that, "Hey, guys," that sort of like...
0:42:02 > 0:42:03I still live in Glasgow.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06I moved out of my family home about eight months ago.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09I live in the West End, and that's the way, I've got that new...
0:42:09 > 0:42:11CHEERING
0:42:11 > 0:42:15Know that new homogenised sort of, "Hey guys, er, what's your chat?"
0:42:16 > 0:42:18You know that new Scottish, "What's your chaht?
0:42:18 > 0:42:21"Er, yah, we were out last night for Callum's birthday drinks
0:42:21 > 0:42:26"and, er, wasn't Fraser's banter totally bangin', wasn't it?"
0:42:32 > 0:42:36"Fraser, er, Callum and Gavin are such a double act, aren't they?
0:42:36 > 0:42:39"Er, their ban-tur was on fi-yur!
0:42:41 > 0:42:45"Top chaht, yeah! Really top chat, top ban-tur! Totally top bants!
0:42:45 > 0:42:49"All I remember was, Rebecca bought me a Jagerbomb
0:42:49 > 0:42:52"and, er, me and Gavin were planking in Burger King, ugh...!
0:42:55 > 0:42:58I woke up this morning, I was actually dyin'!
0:43:01 > 0:43:03"Top ban-tur, top chaht!"
0:43:05 > 0:43:08That's the kind of freaks I live beside these days!
0:43:10 > 0:43:12"Top banter!"
0:43:12 > 0:43:14APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:43:17 > 0:43:19I moved out, I got on the property ladder,
0:43:19 > 0:43:21bought myself a nice wee flat.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24I've never viewed a property in my life.
0:43:24 > 0:43:25I was needing a bit of advice.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29My dad, he volunteered himself as the property expert.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32He said, "If you're going viewing places, son, I'm gonnae come with,
0:43:32 > 0:43:35"because what'll happen is, you'll walk into a nice wee flat,
0:43:35 > 0:43:39"you'll get excited, the guy who owns it will see you're excited,
0:43:39 > 0:43:43"then the price goes up, whereas me - poker face."
0:43:46 > 0:43:48He's never viewed a property in his life.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51My dad's been in the same council house his whole life.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53You don't go and view a council flat.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55You don't get a survey or a home report done.
0:43:55 > 0:43:56You just get told,
0:43:56 > 0:43:59"That's where you're gonnae live now, get fuckin' in!"
0:43:59 > 0:44:01LAUGHTER
0:44:03 > 0:44:06But he's volunteered himself as the property expert.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09Me and him are rocking up there to view this guy's gaff.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Me and him, like Colin and Justin, walking up.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13LAUGHTER
0:44:14 > 0:44:18My dad's going, "Poker face". We never even get into the guy's house
0:44:18 > 0:44:21and my dad had dissolved, going, "That car's got a valid tax disc!
0:44:21 > 0:44:24"They've got a few quid up here, get a wee photograph of that, son!"
0:44:24 > 0:44:26LAUGHTER
0:44:28 > 0:44:31You learn some of life's harshest lessons as well
0:44:31 > 0:44:34when you live on your own for the first time,
0:44:34 > 0:44:38some of life's toughest, like Lurpak Spreadable is unspreadable!
0:44:43 > 0:44:47That's the most recent one. That was a tough one to take.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50I'm stood there, lunch time, making myself a piece and crisps.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52LAUGHTER
0:44:55 > 0:44:59I have been nothing short of meticulous in my preparations.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02I've decided how many crisps I'm going to put on the sandwich
0:45:02 > 0:45:05and how many crisps I'm going to keep in the packet
0:45:05 > 0:45:06as a wee side dish.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14I was even whistling, having a nice wee day, got my butter knife,
0:45:14 > 0:45:17commenced the spread. Within seconds, it turned sinister.
0:45:17 > 0:45:18My wrist nearly snapped!
0:45:23 > 0:45:26Just check that says "spreadable". All right, must be.
0:45:26 > 0:45:28Must be me, then. I better change my technique.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31I'll go for rotations, there.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34Bits of your worktop start to appear through the bread!
0:45:34 > 0:45:36LAUGHTER
0:45:41 > 0:45:42So I had to abort the mission.
0:45:42 > 0:45:46Lunch time, just spent in the garden, eating half a packet of crisps,
0:45:46 > 0:45:48feeding the birds. "Here you go, lads."
0:45:48 > 0:45:51Even the pigeons are going, "What happened to that, mate?
0:45:54 > 0:45:56"C'mere, look at this, lads.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59"Trying to feed us this shite?!"
0:46:00 > 0:46:02You put that in a shredder, mate?"
0:46:04 > 0:46:07How many more innocent bits of bread must be ripped apart
0:46:07 > 0:46:09before somebody challenges these bastards?
0:46:09 > 0:46:11That should be their new advert -
0:46:11 > 0:46:13"Lurpak Spreadable - ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"
0:46:14 > 0:46:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:46:22 > 0:46:26I still live up here. 25 years old.
0:46:26 > 0:46:27I got an iPhone for my birthday.
0:46:27 > 0:46:31My mum and dad got me an iPhone, a pretty extravagant gift.
0:46:31 > 0:46:32That's what they got me.
0:46:32 > 0:46:35Sounds like a lovely gesture but you get iPhones for free.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38All they done was sign me up to a contract.
0:46:38 > 0:46:41LAUGHTER
0:46:41 > 0:46:44You realise you're in the real world, move out the family home,
0:46:44 > 0:46:46you start getting presents like that, "Happy birthday, son,
0:46:46 > 0:46:49"we got you a wee £40 a month direct debit set up, OK?"
0:46:52 > 0:46:55Wee monthly reminder how much we love you.
0:46:57 > 0:47:01That's what I got. And it turns you into a moron, these smartphones.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04I've got it, sit touching it, caressing it
0:47:04 > 0:47:07and constantly checking it. Use it for everything.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10It's actually a novelty to be on the phone for a phone call these days.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13I've been on the phone and I've drifted off in the conversation
0:47:13 > 0:47:16and I've suddenly been hit by a wave of panic,
0:47:16 > 0:47:18thinking, "Fuck! where's my phone?"
0:47:18 > 0:47:19LAUGHTER
0:47:24 > 0:47:27"I need to go, mate, I've lost my phone!
0:47:30 > 0:47:33"Know what I just done there? Ha-ha!"
0:47:36 > 0:47:38I heard a guy answer his phone on a train.
0:47:38 > 0:47:42He was sat behind me and it was his mate, Francis, who was on the phone.
0:47:42 > 0:47:46I knew that because he answered the phone by saying, "Francis?"
0:47:47 > 0:47:51And the guy never spoke again, the whole conversation.
0:47:51 > 0:47:52He just...he just laughed!
0:47:52 > 0:47:54And it wasn't like a nice, infectious laugh.
0:47:54 > 0:47:59It was one of they laughs where the joke clearly has a victim.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03You don't know the story but your sympathies lie with the protagonist.
0:48:03 > 0:48:04He said, "Francis?
0:48:06 > 0:48:12"Ha, hahahaaaa, hahaha, ahahahaa!
0:48:16 > 0:48:21"Ah! Ha-ha-haaa-ha!
0:48:21 > 0:48:24"All right, all right, mate, bye-bye, cheers."
0:48:29 > 0:48:30I still take public transport.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33I know some of you probably don't believe that,
0:48:33 > 0:48:36sat there going, "No chance, that's Kev.i.n up there, no way!"
0:48:38 > 0:48:41Ha, ha, haaa!
0:48:41 > 0:48:43I still take the bus.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45I don't drive. That's my problem,
0:48:45 > 0:48:48I've took driving lessons once in my life but I took them in London.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50I was there for three months. To fill my days,
0:48:50 > 0:48:52I thought I'd do something productive, learnt how to drive,
0:48:52 > 0:48:54well, tried to learn how to drive.
0:48:54 > 0:48:56Driving lesson in London, it's just you and a guy,
0:48:56 > 0:48:58parked in a traffic jam.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00After about ten minutes, you start saying,
0:49:00 > 0:49:03"OK, mate, well, that's Radio 1, just press that in there.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05"That's your cigarette lighter.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07"Just give that a few seconds there, buddy.
0:49:07 > 0:49:10"Don't know if you smoke but that should be good to go!
0:49:12 > 0:49:14"Er, glove compartment, don't know if you wear gloves, mate,
0:49:14 > 0:49:19"that's where to keep them, if your hands get a bit sweaty.
0:49:19 > 0:49:23"OK, we're now going to reverse back 15 yards,
0:49:23 > 0:49:26"we'll drop you home and we'll see you next Wednesday!"
0:49:26 > 0:49:28That was as far as I got.
0:49:29 > 0:49:33I was on a bus up here, about six months ago, and a guy got on,
0:49:33 > 0:49:37he put his money in, the bus driver said, "How much is that?"
0:49:37 > 0:49:40And the guy said, "It's £1.70, how?"
0:49:42 > 0:49:44Now, in Glasgow, "how" means "why".
0:49:44 > 0:49:47I don't know why that is.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50But you don't say, "£1.70, why?" You say "£1.70, how?"
0:49:50 > 0:49:51LAUGHTER
0:49:53 > 0:49:56You don't ponder "Why?" You demand "How?"
0:49:58 > 0:50:00He said "£1.70, how?"
0:50:03 > 0:50:06And the driver said, "Well, it's £1.85 for a single,"
0:50:06 > 0:50:11and the guy said, "It was £1.70 yesterday, ya fuckin' dick!"
0:50:11 > 0:50:14LAUGHTER
0:50:16 > 0:50:18Classic negotiation tactics!
0:50:18 > 0:50:21LAUGHTER
0:50:21 > 0:50:23But the driver held his nerve,
0:50:23 > 0:50:26and he said, "Well, it's £1.85 today, ya fuckin' dick!"
0:50:26 > 0:50:30LAUGHTER
0:50:31 > 0:50:32It was good!
0:50:32 > 0:50:35On public transport, you see a battle of the wits like this,
0:50:35 > 0:50:38and the guy just lost it - he said, "£1.85?"
0:50:38 > 0:50:41"I don't want to buy the fuckin' bus!"
0:50:41 > 0:50:43LAUGHTER
0:50:46 > 0:50:49He's doin' that sort of appealing for witnesses.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51LAUGHTER
0:50:53 > 0:50:56And it goes on, and the guy starts punching the bit of Perspex
0:50:56 > 0:50:57to get to the driver,
0:50:57 > 0:50:59and over years of taking the bus,
0:50:59 > 0:51:03I have familiarised myself with the on-board safety instructions.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05When a guy kicks off with the driver,
0:51:05 > 0:51:08don't even look - just turn, look out the window,
0:51:08 > 0:51:11stare at the chewing gum and go to a happy place.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14LAUGHTER
0:51:16 > 0:51:18Have a bit of me time.
0:51:20 > 0:51:22"I wonder how many fishfingers I've got in the freezer."
0:51:22 > 0:51:25LAUGHTER
0:51:25 > 0:51:27"I'm pretty sure I seen there were three,
0:51:27 > 0:51:30"like I need to stop eating odd numbers of fishfingers."
0:51:30 > 0:51:33LAUGHTER
0:51:33 > 0:51:35"That was inevitable, there would be three left,
0:51:35 > 0:51:38"now what am I going to do with three fishfingers?
0:51:38 > 0:51:42"That's not a lunch or a tea, that's just no-man's-land."
0:51:42 > 0:51:45"I'm going to have to have one of them Tuesday night dinners,
0:51:45 > 0:51:46"when you put a gammon steak
0:51:46 > 0:51:48"and then just chuck the three fishfingers on as well."
0:51:48 > 0:51:50LAUGHTER
0:51:54 > 0:51:56It's a minging combo.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58Wherever you go in your happy place,
0:51:58 > 0:52:00you start to find that you get to know yourself.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03I looked out the window, and there was a stationery shop.
0:52:03 > 0:52:06I never knew I liked stationery until that minute.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09I'm just looking going, "That's a great deal on rubbers, aye."
0:52:09 > 0:52:10LAUGHTER
0:52:10 > 0:52:13"When was the last time I rubbed something out?"
0:52:13 > 0:52:16LAUGHTER
0:52:16 > 0:52:18"I might go in there, buy their rubbers,
0:52:18 > 0:52:21"I might buy a pencil, sharpener, a nice new pad, nice sharp pencil,
0:52:21 > 0:52:23"write my name and then just rub it out."
0:52:23 > 0:52:26LAUGHTER
0:52:26 > 0:52:30By the time I'd come back in for a landing,
0:52:30 > 0:52:32this situation had been resolved.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35A Good Samaritan had put the extra money in
0:52:35 > 0:52:38just to get the bus moving, and the guy was on, he'd made it.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41Everybody's bracing themselves, "Where's he going to sit?"
0:52:41 > 0:52:44It was quite a quiet bus, I'm just going, "Fuck, the guy's on,"
0:52:44 > 0:52:45and it was then I realised
0:52:45 > 0:52:49that I was sat in the seats that are designed for conversation.
0:52:49 > 0:52:53You know the seats that face in opposite directions,
0:52:53 > 0:52:55for people looking for stimulating debate
0:52:55 > 0:52:58with like-minded folk on the world's big issues.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01Speaker's Corner, that's where I was sat.
0:53:01 > 0:53:02LAUGHTER
0:53:02 > 0:53:05And the guy, he came in and sat right opposite me.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08He never recognised me, oblivious to the fact
0:53:08 > 0:53:11he was sittin' opposite Kev.i.n, he never...
0:53:11 > 0:53:14LAUGHTER
0:53:14 > 0:53:16And the bus, the bus is pulling away.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19He's not in a happy place - he's looking at that stationery shop.
0:53:19 > 0:53:21"I might go in and buy a pencil, sharpen it
0:53:21 > 0:53:24"and stab him in the eye, the wanker!" LAUGHTER
0:53:25 > 0:53:28The bus is going on, and he started talking to me.
0:53:28 > 0:53:30He said, "Where are you going, mate?"
0:53:30 > 0:53:32And I said, "I'm just going to meet my mate at the cinema."
0:53:32 > 0:53:35And he said "I've no' been to the cinema...
0:53:35 > 0:53:38"I've no' been to the cinema in fucking ages, right?"
0:53:38 > 0:53:41And I said, "Oh, all right."
0:53:41 > 0:53:43LAUGHTER
0:53:43 > 0:53:45You're struggling for small talk, you need to keep it going,
0:53:45 > 0:53:48you don't want him to think you're being ignorant, "Oh, all right."
0:53:48 > 0:53:50And he said, "Did you ever see that movie Social Network?"
0:53:50 > 0:53:55That's what he asked me, and I said, "Oh, the movie about Facebook?"
0:53:55 > 0:53:57And he said, "Correct."
0:53:57 > 0:54:00LAUGHTER
0:54:00 > 0:54:02As if, "You survived that round."
0:54:02 > 0:54:04LAUGHTER
0:54:07 > 0:54:11He said, "That Mark Zuckerberg, he's worth billions, mate."
0:54:11 > 0:54:15And I said, "Oh, I can imagine," and he said, "How?"
0:54:15 > 0:54:17LAUGHTER
0:54:17 > 0:54:20I said, "Well, he's the owner of Facebook,"
0:54:20 > 0:54:24and he said, "Aye, but how does that make money, mate? It's free."
0:54:24 > 0:54:27You don't laugh, the on-board safety instructions tell you, "Do not..."
0:54:27 > 0:54:29LAUGHTER
0:54:29 > 0:54:33"In order to avoid a punctured lung, keep your face firmly...
0:54:33 > 0:54:37"..keep your face firmly on screensaver mode, just..."
0:54:37 > 0:54:41LAUGHTER
0:54:41 > 0:54:43He said, "If I was in charge of Facebook, mate,
0:54:43 > 0:54:46"I'd be saying fucking quid a go!"
0:54:46 > 0:54:48And it gave me a small sense of hometown pride
0:54:48 > 0:54:51when I realised the guy was serious.
0:54:51 > 0:54:52A small sense of hometown pride
0:54:52 > 0:54:54that there must be very few places in the world
0:54:54 > 0:54:58where Mark Zuckerberg would be offered financial advice
0:54:58 > 0:55:02from a guy who was 15p short for a single for the bus.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04LAUGHTER
0:55:04 > 0:55:06Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for listening,
0:55:06 > 0:55:08take care of yourselves, have a good weekend.
0:55:08 > 0:55:09See you again sometime!
0:55:09 > 0:55:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:28 > 0:55:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:33 > 0:55:35Oh! Thanks for waiting behind there, thank you.
0:55:35 > 0:55:37Thanks for coming out and all that sort of stuff,
0:55:37 > 0:55:40usual stuff there, thanks, much appreciated.
0:55:40 > 0:55:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:43 > 0:55:45It's been nice talking to you, we're going to...
0:55:45 > 0:55:48We've got a special guest here, I don't know if you're pretty...
0:55:48 > 0:55:50You might have a clue who that's going to be.
0:55:50 > 0:55:55A guy, he's flew in all the way from the United States of America.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57Chad!
0:55:57 > 0:55:59For the DVD, a special guest.
0:55:59 > 0:56:02Ladies and gentlemen, it's his first time in Glasgow.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04Give it up, please, for Chad Hogan!
0:56:04 > 0:56:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:22 > 0:56:26SUSTAINED CHEERING
0:56:29 > 0:56:31Good evening, Glasgow! Whoo!
0:56:31 > 0:56:33CHEERING
0:56:35 > 0:56:38Now how many of y'all having an empty tonight? I want to know!
0:56:39 > 0:56:42More like getting an empty, it should be, right?
0:56:42 > 0:56:47But, er...I've prepared a little like rap thing,
0:56:47 > 0:56:50not really, but it's two lines, now...
0:56:51 > 0:56:54- LAUGHTER - I got it, calm down!
0:56:54 > 0:56:55- Do you need a beat? - HE BEATBOXES
0:56:55 > 0:56:57Yeah, you got me?
0:56:58 > 0:57:00In the club! In the club!
0:57:02 > 0:57:03# Now, have you heard the news?
0:57:03 > 0:57:06# There's party going round in Long Island for the weekend
0:57:06 > 0:57:08# Chad Hogan's parents are out of town, do you know Chad Hogan?
0:57:08 > 0:57:11# Everybody knows that man, I heard it's going to be crazy
0:57:11 > 0:57:13# I heard he's hiring a band
0:57:13 > 0:57:15# Now when I say "spring", you say "break"! #
0:57:15 > 0:57:16- Spring!- Break!
0:57:16 > 0:57:18- Spring!- Break!
0:57:18 > 0:57:20Whoo! Spring Break! Whoo!
0:57:20 > 0:57:22Chad Hogan!
0:57:22 > 0:57:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:27 > 0:57:29What a guy! Ladies and gentlemen, take care of yourselves,
0:57:29 > 0:57:32thanks for coming' out, see you next time!
0:57:32 > 0:57:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:36 > 0:57:38Thank you!
0:57:39 > 0:57:40Thank you!
0:58:18 > 0:58:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd