0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07WHISTLING
0:00:07 > 0:00:10TANNOY: Mr McIntyre.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12LAUGHTER
0:00:12 > 0:00:14'One minute to Showtime.'
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Suit me up.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58'Ladies and gentlemen!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01'It's...Showtime!
0:01:01 > 0:01:06'Please welcome Michael McIntyre!'
0:01:06 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Hello!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Good evening!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Hello!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Good evening, London, how are you? Are you all right?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31CHEERING
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, yes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36What a year it has been, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:36 > 0:01:382012, thank God I'm performing in this year.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43This is the year that London became probably the greatest city on earth.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I don't know how long it's going to last.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49This very room, ladies and gentlemen, this very room,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53people won Olympic gold medals right here, in this room!
0:01:54 > 0:01:55It was incredible.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59We all got so patriotic, it became almost fever pitch.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I think it was summed up, the lovely moment
0:02:01 > 0:02:03when Jessica Ennis was doing the long jump.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And she was there before she goes, and she did the clapping thing,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08where she wants everybody, the whole stadium, come on...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11No, don't you do it, I'm not going to high jump!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13This isn't the Olympics now!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16The whole crowd was like, "Yes, go on, Jessica, go on."
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Everyone was in time.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20People at home were probably going "Go on, Jess, you can do this.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"Team GB. Go on, Jessica, Team GB."
0:02:22 > 0:02:25She was like, "I'm going to do it soon, I'm not going to do it yet.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28"I'm going to do it in a minute. I've been training for four years. Is it now? It's not now.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"It could be now." "Go on, Jessica."
0:02:30 > 0:02:31And she ran and she flew.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Probably jumped further than ever before
0:02:33 > 0:02:36because of the weight of expectation and the excitement
0:02:36 > 0:02:37and euphoria of the nation.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Then her major rival stepped up next, a woman from Lichtenstein,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44who for some reason decided to do the same thing
0:02:44 > 0:02:47to the British Olympic Stadium.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And everyone just went, "No.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"Team GB!"
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It was an extraordinary time. And I got into all the sports.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I got into sports that, let's be honest, aren't really spectator sports.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59I will never watch them again.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03But I was obsessive over them because we were winning gold medals.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Like the dressage. Is that really a sport?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It's just a gay horse.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Even the person on the horse was like,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22"It's not really a sport, it's just a gay horse. He came out last week."
0:03:22 > 0:03:25All the horse ones were quite shit, if I'm honest.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27But the equestrian centre was just around the corner here.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29They were so posh.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33It was strange seeing middle-aged, upper-class men winning gold medals,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36because they were so uber sort of posh.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38They have those lips, you know,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42that sort of move independently of what they're saying.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44They'll be saying one thing,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47but their lips will be doing completely the opposite.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Thousands of years of inbreeding and, basically,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53the lips have a life of their own at this point.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56"Before I even wake up, the lips are moving.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57"Morning!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"Sometimes I finish the sentence and the lips carry on without me."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I don't how they scored it.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Do you get more points the more you look like the horse?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Is that how they actually competed in the equestrian?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Prrr! Somebody give me a carrot!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Even Andy Murray won. That's when I knew something was up.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22When Andy Murray... When Andy Murray caught the Team GB bug.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24He hasn't even lost since. It's incredible.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I actually met Andy Murray once. I met him in a restaurant.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I don't know him. He was eating, I was eating. I saw him.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32He was quite inconspicuous cos he was in his home clothes.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35We've never seen him in his home clothes. You know, like a polo neck.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37He was eating a plateful of normal food.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's not like he was sitting in his kit,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42a towel over his head, having a banana.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"I think that's Andy Murray on table four."
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Asking for the napkin and just throwing it back.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Selecting potatoes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57"These two are fine, that one can piss off."
0:04:57 > 0:04:59"I'm sure it's Andy Murray."
0:04:59 > 0:05:01So I went over to his table. He was there with his girlfriend.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You've probably seen her, very pretty girl. He was sitting there.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06There were two other people sitting there.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And I went opposite. I don't know him, I just thought I'd say hello.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I should have said, "Excuse me, sorry to bother you."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13This is the classic way to interrupt people,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15but I panicked. I just identified him.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I just went, "Andy Murray."
0:05:18 > 0:05:21He stopped eating and went, "Michael McIntyre."
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I said, "I love you, Andy Murray."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27He said, "I love you, Michael McIntyre."
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I said, "I saw you at Wimbledon." He's like, "I've got your DVD."
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I said, "You're my favourite tennis player."
0:05:32 > 0:05:34He said, "You're my favourite comedian."
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Anyway, we kept exchanging more these compliments
0:05:36 > 0:05:38and I looked over at girlfriend and she was doing this.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41APPLAUSE
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Tennis is fun.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50And the umpire, seriously, what kind of a job is tennis umpiring?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Any baby could do that. They just sit in a high chair saying, "JUICE."
0:05:53 > 0:05:55That's my favourite joke, glad you enjoyed it.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Let's be honest.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I think, personally, of all the heroes this year,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04and there have been many, the Queen has surpassed herself.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05CHEERING
0:06:05 > 0:06:09That whole, "Good evening, Mr Bond." Are you kidding?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12I actually met the Queen.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I got invited to a reception at Buckingham Palace.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I just went and shook her hand. It was an honour.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19It was probably the most exciting post I have ever received,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21when I got the invitation in the post.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Because mostly post is boring, you know, just bills and rubbish,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26but this day, something seemed to be glowing in the pile.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I was like, "What on earth could this be?"
0:06:28 > 0:06:30It was heavy when I picked up the envelope.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It sort of had silk woven into the fabric.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35My name was written in fountain pen, calligraphy,
0:06:35 > 0:06:36the M just went on for ever.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"This is just the most exciting post I've ever got!"
0:06:39 > 0:06:43I turned it over, there was actually a seal on it. A red wax seal.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I was like, "Oh!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"I'm going to Hogwarts!" I was so excited!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50"Children, daddy's a wizard!
0:06:52 > 0:06:53"Go-to-bediarmus!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:57So I opened it up, you know, with my finger.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02That's what modern people like to do, we just rip it open. Rip.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Cos old people, they used to have little swords. I miss the swords.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Why don't we get swords? Old people had a little sword.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09They would do battle with their post.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Old people's desks are hilarious.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Little mini swords, blotting paper, paperweights.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18How windy are their houses? Why do they need paperweights?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23So I opened it up, the envelope, which by the way,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I'm a big fan of as well, envelopes. You need an envelope.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I've never understood postcards. Why do people send postcards?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32You know that everybody who can, will read your postcard. It's like public viewing.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Every time you send a postcard, it's a fact,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37the postman is going to read your postcard.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40That's why I always add a little mischievous comment to my postcards.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"Dear Dave, wish you were here.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46"Still having those sexual fantasies about the postman? Ha-ha!"
0:07:46 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I don't even know who writes anything any more.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I don't write anything. I don't know if I can write.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I type everything on a computer.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I don't think I can live without spell-check.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I tell you what's really bugging me at the moment.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05It's people who have the same name
0:08:05 > 0:08:07that is spelt completely differently.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm so sorry, for all of you people,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11and I know there are many in this room tonight.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14It is such an odd, unnecessary waste of your life.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Like Sarah, Sarah with an H or Sara without an H.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Sara without an H is pronounced like this.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"Sarah."
0:08:21 > 0:08:22And with an H?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23"Sarah."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27But Sarah has to spend the whole of her life going,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"Sarah with an H, with an H. That's with an H."
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"Sorry, is that with an H?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"No, there's no H. Sorry, you put an H, there's actually no H."
0:08:34 > 0:08:35What a waste of life.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Like Stewart with a W is pronounced like this, "Stuart."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Without a W, "Stuart."
0:08:41 > 0:08:42What are we doing?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44It's not like it's, "What's your name?"
0:08:44 > 0:08:45"Stew-arrt."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"Stew...arrrt."
0:08:49 > 0:08:50"And you are?"
0:08:50 > 0:08:51"Stu-uart."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"Stu-uart."
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"And this is my wife, Sarah-hhhh." "Oh!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59"Stu-uart and Sarah-hhhh."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"Have you met Stu-uart? This is Stew-art.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"Come and meet the others.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"It's Steven and Step-hen. Do say hello.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"This is Stew-art, Stu-uart and Sarah-hhhh,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"Steven and Step-hen.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"Oh, if it isn't Jeff and Ge-off, join the party! Come on!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Jeff and Ge-off and your wives, Jill and Gill.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19"I forget who's with who.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"Jill is with Ge-off and Jeff is with Gill.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26"This is Stu-uart, Stew-art, Steven, Step-hen and Sarah-hhhhh."
0:09:26 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"Oh, if it isn't the three Seans.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"Do join the party, we've got 'Shoun', 'Seen' and 'Sha-oon'.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"Come on in!
0:09:34 > 0:09:38"Shoun, Seen and Sha-oon, this is Stu-uart, Stew-art,"
0:09:38 > 0:09:42"Steven, Step-hen, Jeff, Ge-off, Jill, Gill, and Sarah-hhhh."
0:09:42 > 0:09:44What a waste of life!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45APPLAUSE
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Why bother?!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Just continue applauding
0:09:54 > 0:09:57if you have one of these names that has comes into the little story.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00You poor things, suffering.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01- What's your name?- Hannah.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Hannah?- With an H.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05With an H? Yes.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Hannah with an H. Oh, at the end! Sorry!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I thought you'd been unnecessarily explaining
0:10:17 > 0:10:19the spelling of your name.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It is like me going, "Michael, with an M."
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Who else? What's your name?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Wain. W-A-I-N.- W...?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Everybody's laughing because...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32(There's only one way to spell it.)
0:10:32 > 0:10:35But, let's see what your parents decided to do.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- W...?- ..A-I-N.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40..A-I-N?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44That's... That's just a massive error. You need to change that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Why would you do that? "Wain."
0:10:49 > 0:10:51MICHAEL CHUCKLES
0:10:53 > 0:10:57So I opened up the letter, right, you know, do you remember that?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02This is now yesterday's post.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07"Dear Michael. The Master..." I'm reading the letter now.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"Dear Michael, the Master of the Household."
0:11:10 > 0:11:11That sounds very exciting. Who is this guy?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"The Master of the Household would like to invite you to
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"Buckingham Palace to meet Her Majesty the Queen.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"RSVP, MasterOfTheHousehold @BuckinghamPalace.com."
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Invited to Buckingham Palace. I e-mailed back almost immediately.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"Dear Master of the Household, I would love to meet the Queen.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27"Thank you for your kind invitation." And then I signed it,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29"Michael, Master of MY Household."
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I have to say, I regretted it as soon as I sent it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Why am I trying to be funny with the Master of Buckingham Palace?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36It's obviously quite a serious person.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39He's not going to e-mail me back, "LOL, can't wait to see you."
0:11:39 > 0:11:41That's not going to happen.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What did I hope for? He was going to wake up the Queen?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44"Wake up, Your Majesty,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"the most hilarious e-mail has just come through."
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Oh, get me my glasses."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"Philip, wake up, check this out."
0:11:53 > 0:11:57"Oh, I love that Chinese comedian, he's such a hoot."
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's not going to happen.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03She's got a good fake smile, the Queen.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06A lot of fake smiling she has to do in life. It's honourable.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Cos I can't do that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09It's tough, isn't it, when someone says, "smile!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12When someone's taking a photo, "Smile!"
0:12:12 > 0:12:14It's always annoying with digital cameras.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18They take a photo of you, then they delete it in front of your face. It's really quite insulting.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21They go, "That's terrible, can we try again?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:23No, we can't try again. I've only got one face.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I'll be using this face for all the photos. Let's just take that one.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27The one that really annoys me,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29this has literally annoyed me since I was a toddler,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32when people take a photo and they go, "Say cheese."
0:12:32 > 0:12:34And everyone goes, "Cheeeese!"
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Why are we behaving like that? That is not how people say cheese.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39This is how people say cheese.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40"Cheese."
0:12:42 > 0:12:44What is wrong with all of us?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You're not in the supermarket with the trolley,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"Excuse me, mate, do you work here? I'm looking for the cheeeese."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"I think it's aisle four for cheeeese."
0:12:56 > 0:13:01"Do you want salt and vinegar or cheeeese and onion?" Pathetic.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Here's some advice. I don't know if it's true.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's more of a tip. My sister told me this.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Apparently, models who make a living out of looking good in photos,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11they don't say cheese. They say, "prune." Prune. Prune.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Cos it makes them pout. Pruune.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Try it. I know you're dying to.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19AUDIENCE: Pruuune.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yes, you can feel it. Slightly awkward.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Obviously, I meant the women. It's a pouting thing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28All these blokes going, "Pruune.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"Yeah, I don't think I do pout enough in me photos."
0:13:31 > 0:13:32"Prune!"
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Yeah, models do that. They're very arrogant, aren't they, models.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I was watching one of those runway things the other day,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41the way they walk. It is the most obnoxious walk I think I've ever seen anybody do.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44They sort of thrust, "Check me out," you know.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Let's be honest, none of us
0:13:48 > 0:13:52would ever have the arrogance to walk like that in public.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54That's not actually strictly true. We all walk like that,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56when we get a strike in tenpin bowling.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59It's one of the oddest moments in life.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02It doesn't matter who you are, you can be the hardest bloke on earth,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05as you select the ball, walk down the lane in your normal walk.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Throw it down, do that leg thing for no reason at all.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13If they all fall down, you're suddenly the campest man on earth.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18"Well, who's the king of bowling, hey? Turns out, it's me! Boom!"
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Complete personality shift.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23In one strike.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I wouldn't remember that prune thing, if it wasn't for my wife.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29She remembered it. She banked it, in her mind, to use it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32We went to one of these red-carpet things where
0:14:32 > 0:14:33they have all these photographers.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35She's got a new dress and everything.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36She decided to bring out the prune.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39But got it completely wrong. She said, "Plum."
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Plum is a different fruit,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42beginning with P and it ruined her face.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45She looked like she was smelling something awful.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47She was standing there going, "Plummmmm."
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"Plummmmm."
0:14:49 > 0:14:51There was like a whole bank of photographers.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52I'm like, "What are you doing?"
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"I'm doing that model thing, plum."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I said, "No, it's prune." Now I'm pouting.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59There's actually a photo online of me going, "Pruuuune."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01In her going, "I thought it was plummmm."
0:15:04 > 0:15:06We don't go out very often.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09But, when we do, it's a grand occasion.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Especially for her.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I marvel at all of you women, what you go through on a big night out.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Planning in advance, booking blow dries.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18She does off for a blow-dry
0:15:18 > 0:15:20and she comes back completely unrecognisable,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22huge, big hair.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26You get the nails done. Tanning, lots of tanning going on.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Not all of you are very good at it. I don't want to be mean.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31But you have to tan your entire body.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34That's an essential part of trying to convince people you've been abroad.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Some people sort of leave their feet.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You need to tan all the way over the feet.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43People come up to them and go, "You look well, have you been away, somewhere nice?
0:15:43 > 0:15:44"In your socks?"
0:15:46 > 0:15:48But the spray tan is good. It actually works quite well.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51My wife's done some spray tans. It's a very odd process though.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54They spray her like a very dark mahogany.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57A colour no human being has ever been, right?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59And then you have to wait 24 hours.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01And then you wash off the mahogany
0:16:01 > 0:16:03and then she's a beautiful golden brown colour.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05But this 24-hour period, it's difficult.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09It's difficult for the whole family. Cos she stinks as well.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13She's a kind of stinking, mahogany blow-dried woman walking around.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15The children don't know who it is.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17"Daddy, who dat stinky dark lady downstairs?"
0:16:19 > 0:16:21"That's your mother." "Dat not Mummy.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23"I don't like that lady. She smells.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Dark lady smells. Mahogany mummy, I don't like her.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"Please, I don't want her read me story."
0:16:29 > 0:16:32It's terrible cos it comes off in like... She'll stain.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34She'll touch soft furnishings and clothing
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and literally leave brown stains on them.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40And it's led to literally the most distressing mornings
0:16:40 > 0:16:42of my entire life.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You know when you wake up in the morning
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and you haven't yet adjusted to the day.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47I sort of look over and...
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"Oh, she's shat the bed."
0:16:51 > 0:16:55HE GAGS
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Jesus.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02If I'm honest, that is probably not the first thing I think.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05The first thing I do is confirm it's not me. "OK.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- "There's none on my side. - HE MOUTHS
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"Darling, wake up, look at me.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"I'm just going to come straight out with this cos it's bad, OK?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17"You're very sick. You're a very sick woman.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"I'm so sorry, we can't go out tonight.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"You've done a shit in your sleep, it's everywhere.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27"It's even under your face. I'm not even sure how that has happened."
0:17:27 > 0:17:28The children are coming in.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"Mahogany mummy did a poo in the bed!"
0:17:30 > 0:17:33"Just get out, get out, get out and close the door!"
0:17:33 > 0:17:35But of course, then she washes it off
0:17:35 > 0:17:37and she's a beautiful golden brown,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41to go with the blow-dry. Pow! And the nails. Yah!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43That's before she's even got dressed yet.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Women getting dressed is an extraordinary procedure.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48She needs privacy. "I'm getting ready now, leave me alone."
0:17:48 > 0:17:51But men never want to leave women alone when they're getting dressed.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53When there's some kind of nakedness involved,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55we will always be lingering, lurking.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58It is the privilege of every husband and boyfriend.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I'm always lurking when my wife's getting dressed.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Lying in bed, looking at the laptop but just leaning across.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Cos it's fun. It's fun to watch a girl getting dressed.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Not all of it. I'm not going to lie to you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17There are aspects of a woman getting dressed
0:18:17 > 0:18:20that have decidedly mixed results.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Tights, for example, is a very 50-50 affair.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27The first half is quite, I would say, almost erotic.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29A very enjoyable spectator sport.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32The lower leg, let's focus on the lower leg for now.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Sort of pointed toe, delicately scrunch up the tight,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40glide it neatly over the lower leg. Lovely. Glide it over the other one.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Marvellous.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45But once the tights reach the halfway point...
0:18:47 > 0:18:51This is where I suggest you leave the room, OK?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Cos some shit goes on after that.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Sometimes she'd just tug at her crotch for like half an hour.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"Arrgh. Eurgh."
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And just when you think it's over, she carries on. "Whoa! Whoa!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Jesus, what are we doing up here now?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18She starts walking around like a baby taking their first steps.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Sometimes, she looks in the mirror and goes, "No, these aren't right."
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Don't do it again!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Mixed results.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Like high heels as well. Amazing when stationary.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Sometimes she'll just stand there, "What you think of these new shoes?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40"They're nice, aren't they?" "Oh, my God, those shoes are incredible."
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"I just bought them. They're really nice, I really like them."
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"Seriously, you look incredible in those shoes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49"I can't believe you married me. You're gorgeous. Come to me.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50"Come to your husband."
0:19:52 > 0:19:53"All right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00"OK, I've got it, I've got it."
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"You know what? I'll come to you. Let's not spoil this."
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Jesus Christ.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Mixed results.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11That's before we've even got to the face. Incredible.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Women don't have to use the face they've been given.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I'm so envious of that. They sit and look in the mirror and go,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18"No-one's going to be meeting this person.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21"I'll be using these products to create a completely new identity."
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Men don't have that luxury.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27There's nothing more depressing than a man
0:20:27 > 0:20:30looking in the mirror before he's going out at night.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31"Well, that's it.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37"Aagh!"
0:20:39 > 0:20:42"I'm ready. Come on, darling. Can we go?" That's all we do, basically.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47Hair management. That's our focus. We just hope hair stays on our head.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50We hope it doesn't start popping out of our nose and our ears.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Human beings have a very odd relationship with hair.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Some hair we like on our body, others we find disgusting.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I think the oddest relationship with any hair on the human body,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00in my opinion, has to be the eyelash.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I just don't understand eyelashes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Why have we decided that eyelashes are magic?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09They can change the future.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12It's one of the most peculiar scenarios when somebody goes,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16"Shh, don't move, don't move your face, stay still."
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"What, what is it? What's on it?"
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"Ssh, just stay completely still. Easy, careful...
0:21:28 > 0:21:29"Eyelash."
0:21:29 > 0:21:32"Oh. Thank you."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"Well, go on, then, make a wish."
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Some people actually think about it. "Um, er...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"What do I need? OK, OK."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"Don't tell me." "I won't.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51"Thank you." "Thank YOU."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53What on earth is that all about?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Who decided that certain hair that falls off your body
0:21:56 > 0:21:58can change destiny?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01And why is it that hair anyway? It could be any hair.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You could be standing at the urinals going, "Excuse me, mate, don't move."
0:22:04 > 0:22:09"What? Do I know you geezer?" "Ssh! Stay still. Easy, easy.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11"Stay completely still."
0:22:12 > 0:22:14"Pube." "Oh, cheers, mate, yeah."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"Well, go on, then make a wish."
0:22:18 > 0:22:19"Er..."
0:22:21 > 0:22:23"Try again."
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"Try and ease it off in the blower. Stay there, mate."
0:22:28 > 0:22:29I'm making a point.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It's illogical.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38There's nothing men can do. There's nothing I can do.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39It lends itself to laziness.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I can't speak for other men but I have become so incredibly lazy.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I'm in a long-term relationship now.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I've been with my wife a long time.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50And I sort of do what I can get away with. The minimum. I do the minimum.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53And I thought I was getting away with it. Until the other day.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56She had a word. It was quite frightening.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It had obviously been like a build-up and I didn't see it coming.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02She came up to me, "Michael, Michael."
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Her eyes looked different.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05"No, no, no."
0:23:08 > 0:23:09"Can I have a word, please?"
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"Um, OK, what is it? OK."
0:23:12 > 0:23:17She said, "Michael, if you open one more milk...
0:23:18 > 0:23:22"..when there's already a milk open,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25"so help me, God, I'm going to divorce you."
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"Really? We're this close to the edge over milk?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"Yes, it's just a build-up. You just don't listen to me.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"I have asked you so many times and it's really winding me up.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"Why don't you do what I ask you?"
0:23:39 > 0:23:42"I'm sorry, I just consider that there's an amount of milk
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"in the house and you know, that level goes down as a whole."
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"No, it doesn't go down as a whole. Just do as I ask you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"Take the bottle that's already open. It really upsets me.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52"Will you do that for me?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:55"Yes, of course I will. Is there anything else?"
0:23:55 > 0:23:56I should never have said that.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Why didn't I leave it there?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02She said, "Yes, there are few things, now that you ask,
0:24:02 > 0:24:06"that I don't understand, Michael, I don't understand about you."
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"Well, what is it?"
0:24:08 > 0:24:09"Sometimes, you do help -
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"sometimes you put your dirty laundry in the basket
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"and I'm grateful for that, thank you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"But why, occasionally, do you just leave it near the basket?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"You need to put it IN the basket to help me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"Why would you sometimes NOT help me and put it NEAR the basket.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"I just don't understand. Why is that, Michael?!"
0:24:28 > 0:24:29"Cos I'm throwing it in.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"Sometimes I miss."
0:24:34 > 0:24:36"Why then don't you go back and pick it up?"
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"I do, I often go back and pick it up.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39"Then I try again.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"Sometimes I'll do that for half an hour.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48"I'm sorry, I won't do that again."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51"Well, you'd better not cos it's really pissing me off.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"There's a few more things as well.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"Do you know that sometimes when you finish a packet of biscuits,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"you put the empty packet back in the cupboard?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00"Why on earth would you do that?!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"I didn't think you knew that was me."
0:25:05 > 0:25:07"Who else is it going to be?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09"And will you, please, Michael, I've literally...
0:25:09 > 0:25:13"I know that I, for a fact, asked you this 100,000 times
0:25:13 > 0:25:14"since we've been together,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18"please will you put your plate in the dishwasher, not next to it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20"Because, next to it, I know you think you're helping,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23"but you're not helping, cos it gets cleaned when it's in it,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"not next to it. Do you understand that?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"Sorry, darling, I do always help, every time I finish my food,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"I always drop it off in the zone of the dishwasher."
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"In the zone isn't helping me.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34"You might as well put it in the fucking garden.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"It doesn't get cleaned in the garden
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"and it doesn't get cleaned NEXT to the dishwasher.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"It gets cleaned IN the dishwasher. Do you understand? Why can't you understand that concept?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"When I unload the shopping, do I unload it next to the fridge,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"hoping someone's going to finish the job for me? No.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"When I cook the Sunday lunch, do I put the chicken next to the often?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53"No, I put it IN THE OVEN!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56"When I take the children to school, do we sit on the pavement next to the car?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57"No, we get IN THE CAR!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02"The only thing you clean in this house on a regular basis
0:26:02 > 0:26:04"is your internet history and it's disgusting."
0:26:04 > 0:26:06APPLAUSE
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Cos we are in a long-term relationship.
0:26:15 > 0:26:1813 years we've been together. You know, we're deliriously happy.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20There are people here in long-term relationships.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24There are people here in new relationships, people not in relationships.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I suppose what I'm asking is how do you know you're in a long-term relationship?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30How do you know you can start terming your relationship as long-term?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I think, if you're interested,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I've actually pinpointed the exact moment
0:26:34 > 0:26:36when a relationship goes long-term.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I think it's when, before sex,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41you no longer take each other's clothes off,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43but you take your own clothes off independently.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Cos you realise it is more practical and less time-consuming.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Cos in a new relationship, obviously,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52you're filled with romance and passion,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55lots of fiddling with bra straps and belts and ripping.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58And then, one night, you don't even discuss it,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01you'll just find yourself independently lying adjacent to one another
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and slowly taking your clothes off.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Obviously, once you've established sex is on.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10That's normally just a hopeful look towards her.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Or she'll do something sensationally erotic,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19like mute the television.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"Ohhh! We were watching that.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23"That can only mean one thing, yay!"
0:27:25 > 0:27:27And then you just slowly take your clothes off.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30She'll be there doing all her business.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Socks off, obviously, if it's a special occasion.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Confirm you're both entirely naked.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39"Right. Let's begin."
0:27:41 > 0:27:44And then you are in. Long-term relationship has begun!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47And there's no going back. It's the same for afterwards as well.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48In a new relationship after sex,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52you remain naked for some period of time. Everything is new.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55The covers off you, "Look at me, naked.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57"I'm so comfortable to be naked with you."
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Walking around completely naked,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01"Look at me, completely naked "in my new relationship with you.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04"I'm hungry, let's go downstairs naked.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"Look at me looking in the fridge with my chilly balls
0:28:06 > 0:28:07"and my new relationship."
0:28:09 > 0:28:11In a long-term relationship, literally,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15the microsecond that it ends, you reassemble.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Everything goes back to where it was.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21The book comes back out, the glasses are back on,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24the laptop reopens, the television is unmuted.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27It's like a magic trick. I don't know how couples do it.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Somebody could come into a room, survey the scene,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32walk-out for three, maybe 3 1/2 minutes, walk back in,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34the same scene would greet them.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35How is that even possible?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39But you have to be careful. in a long-term relationship.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43You have to respect women because they're so different. You can take them for granted.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46She'll have a word, she'll say, you know, "Michael,
0:28:46 > 0:28:49"you've got to be a bit more romantic with me, you know?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53"We've been together a long time now, you've got to make a bit of effort sometimes.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56"Be a bit more romantic cos I'm a woman. I'm a woman.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"I've been doing some reading as well, recently.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00"I've read three books."
0:29:03 > 0:29:05"And I'm a woman.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07"And I need to be seduced."
0:29:07 > 0:29:10This is very difficult for men to understand,
0:29:10 > 0:29:12because men don't need to be seduced.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15We can seduce ourselves when we're not even conscious.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Often, we just wake up in the morning and just, "Oh."
0:29:19 > 0:29:20LAUGHTER
0:29:20 > 0:29:23"I appear to have fully seduced myself during the night.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25"Bonus!
0:29:25 > 0:29:27"Darling, I'm up for it, if you're up for it."
0:29:27 > 0:29:29"I'm asleep, what are you talking about? Piss off!"
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"Oh. I think you've shat the bed anyway, let's leave it."
0:29:32 > 0:29:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Spontaneity. Women love spontaneity.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41I just don't think men really know what it means.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44"Got to be a bit more spontaneous, you know.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47"Just be spontaneous once in awhile. Surprise me with something.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49"Be spontaneous!" Men don't really know what that means.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52We think it means do something when she least expects it.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53That's all we've really come up with.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Sometimes she'll be bending down loading the dishwasher...
0:29:57 > 0:29:59I just sort of catch her in the corner of my eye.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01"Oh, yeah, hello! Shag in. 'Ello."
0:30:01 > 0:30:04"Michael, what are you doing? I'm busy!"
0:30:04 > 0:30:06"I'm being spontaneous."
0:30:06 > 0:30:07"No, piss off!"
0:30:08 > 0:30:11"Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with you.
0:30:11 > 0:30:12"You wanted me to be spontaneous.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15"I was reading the paper, then I tried to have sex with you.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18"It's the definition of spontaneous. I can't win."
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Once, I actually knocked her in by accident.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22"Ow! Shit!"
0:30:23 > 0:30:26"Jesus! Oh, Christ!
0:30:26 > 0:30:29"There's a spoon in my eye!
0:30:29 > 0:30:31"What the hell were you doing?!"
0:30:31 > 0:30:33"Sorry, darling, I was trying to be spontaneous."
0:30:33 > 0:30:36"Spontaneously nearly took my eye out, you idiot!
0:30:36 > 0:30:38"You're such a dickhead.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"Oh, my God, I've got pasta in my hair.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43"There's peas on my forehead!
0:30:43 > 0:30:44"Such a twat!
0:30:44 > 0:30:46"I wouldn't be here if you'd put your plate
0:30:46 > 0:30:49"in the fucking dishwasher and not next to it!"
0:30:49 > 0:30:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:56 > 0:31:00I've got two children, Lucas and Oscar, Lucas with a "C".
0:31:01 > 0:31:04They like Where's Wally, I don't know why, it's very boring.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Wally's basically a little person in a stripy top
0:31:06 > 0:31:09and you have to find him in a crowded scene full of people
0:31:09 > 0:31:11in stripy tops, but there's only one Wally.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13It sounds boring, but my kids love looking for him.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15It's great for my wife and I cos we can just open the book
0:31:15 > 0:31:17and go, "You look for Wally,
0:31:17 > 0:31:20"while we go and look for a life we left behind before we had you."
0:31:22 > 0:31:23Then they just go, "Found him!"
0:31:23 > 0:31:26We just turn the page, "Good, find another one. Come on!"
0:31:26 > 0:31:28I have done something which I feel amazingly guilty about,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31and I don't want you to judge me by this, but I think it highlights,
0:31:31 > 0:31:34you know, how stressful and tired you can become as parents.
0:31:36 > 0:31:37I coloured Wally in. Is that bad?
0:31:41 > 0:31:43There's no Wally.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45They've been looking for 11 days.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47My wife and I went to Venice last weekend.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49We needed the break!
0:31:51 > 0:31:53I'm playing a great game with my children at the moment,
0:31:53 > 0:31:55a game I'm immensely proud of
0:31:55 > 0:31:57because they're loving it and I invented it.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59I'm the inventor of this game.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01It's called Pants Down, You're The Loser.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Now, the rules of the game are much like the title suggests.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07I basically chase my children round the house
0:32:07 > 0:32:10and, if I manage to pull their pants down,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12they are declared the loser of the game.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14But the real beauty in the playing of this game
0:32:14 > 0:32:16is we don't plan on it, it's not like I say,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19"This Sunday, who's up for a game of Pants Down, kids?"
0:32:19 > 0:32:21"Before dinner shall we squeeze in some Pants Down?"
0:32:21 > 0:32:22None of that shit.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Any time, day or night,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I'll just go, "PANTS DOWN! YOU'RE THE LOSER!"
0:32:27 > 0:32:28And they go nuts.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30They do this run where they don't know which way to go.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34"Daddyyy! No! No!"
0:32:34 > 0:32:38They sort of thrust their arse away from me - "No! Daddy!"
0:32:39 > 0:32:41HE GROANS
0:32:41 > 0:32:42I try to catch them off guard.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44We'll sit down for dinner at the end of the day,
0:32:44 > 0:32:47my wife will say, "Have you had a good day, children?"
0:32:47 > 0:32:49And I'll just go, "PANTS DOWN!" The food goes everywhere...
0:32:49 > 0:32:52"No!" ..they've still got their cutlery.
0:32:52 > 0:32:53"No, Daddy! Daddy, no!!"
0:32:55 > 0:32:57I did it once in the middle of the night.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00My wife nearly killed me, but it was worth it. It was hysterical.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02I got up to pee, I was like, "PANTS DOWN!"
0:33:02 > 0:33:04They're up in their pyjamas in the dark...
0:33:04 > 0:33:05"Daddy?"
0:33:07 > 0:33:08"Daddy, where are you?"
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- SOBBING:- "Daddy! Daddy?"
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I think they collided with each other in the corridor.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18I did it when they were in the bath,
0:33:18 > 0:33:20they had no idea what I was talking about.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23"I don't understand!"
0:33:25 > 0:33:28It's nice to have something up your sleeve, you know?
0:33:28 > 0:33:30I'll be walking up the stairs, I just go behind them,
0:33:30 > 0:33:31"Pants down!"
0:33:31 > 0:33:33"ARGH!"
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Please don't think - this is very important to me -
0:33:37 > 0:33:40that I play this game to the best of my ability.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43I never actually pull their pants down, it's just the threat of it.
0:33:43 > 0:33:44It's not like I go, "PANTS DOWN!
0:33:47 > 0:33:49"Game over.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"A couple of naked losers."
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"Go and look for Wally, you're embarrassing yourselves. Pathetic."
0:34:00 > 0:34:03But the key to parenting, and you'll know this if you're a parent,
0:34:03 > 0:34:06or you can remember being a child, basically, don't lose your children.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08They're little, they try to escape
0:34:08 > 0:34:10and don't know the dangers of the world.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12So I will repeat myself all day, every day.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15"Stay close to me, stay where I can see you, hold my hand, don't run off."
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Sometimes you lose them, they go from here, to here
0:34:17 > 0:34:19and you literally nearly have a heart attack.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24PANICKY SOBBING
0:34:27 > 0:34:29"AARGH!
0:34:29 > 0:34:31"WHERE DID YOU GO!?
0:34:31 > 0:34:33"I TOLD YOU TO BE THERE!"
0:34:35 > 0:34:38This is why I don't understand hide and seek.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Who invented it? This is the stupidest game imaginable.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42It revolves around losing your children.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Why would you ever want to lose your children?
0:34:44 > 0:34:46It's dangerous, there's dangers out there.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49I always cheat, OK? It's a big facade when I play hide and seek,
0:34:49 > 0:34:51I'm not going to let my children hide, even in my own house.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55There's danger - they could hide in the tumble dryer, they could dry themselves to death.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58While I'm searching like an idiot, "Are you under the table?"
0:34:58 > 0:35:00No, they're in the tumble dryer! I'm not having that.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02They could just leave home, get their passports.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04"I'm going to win this game. Taxi!"
0:35:04 > 0:35:06No, I'm not risking that.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08So I cheat, I always know exactly where they are.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Seven...eight...nine...
0:35:10 > 0:35:12I see where they go, they go behind the curtains.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15I see their little feet sticking out the bottom, they're safe.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18They're behind the curtains. I fake the whole thing.
0:35:18 > 0:35:19"Are you under the table? No."
0:35:19 > 0:35:21I know where they are, they're behind the curtains.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24"In the cardboard? No." They're behind the curtains, OK?
0:35:24 > 0:35:27I'm faking the whole thing. "Are you in my wallet? No."
0:35:27 > 0:35:29You can hear them giggling, "Hee-hee!"
0:35:29 > 0:35:30They're behind the curtains.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32And sooner or later I go, "Are you behind the curtains? Yay!
0:35:32 > 0:35:34"Whose turn is it?" They come running out.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37The other day we played this - I've no idea how they did it -
0:35:37 > 0:35:39they outwitted me.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41They weren't there, it was horrific.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43I was like, "Are you under the table? No.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44"Are you behind the curtains?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46"WHERE ARE YOU?!
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"This is no longer a game! Come to Daddy now!"
0:35:50 > 0:35:52I couldn't find them, for about half an hour.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54My wife and I were beside ourselves, frantic.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57After 20 minutes, she seriously suggested to me
0:35:57 > 0:36:00that we phoned the police, this is how mad it was.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02This would have been one of the most embarrassing recorded
0:36:02 > 0:36:05telephone conversations in history.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08"Hello? Hello, is that the police?
0:36:08 > 0:36:10"I'd like to report two missing children, please.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12"Please, can you help me?"
0:36:12 > 0:36:14"Just calm down, Sir, where did you last see them?"
0:36:14 > 0:36:16"I was on the landing, I counted to ten...
0:36:17 > 0:36:19"..then they just disappeared.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21"Please, I don't know where they are."
0:36:21 > 0:36:22"Were you playing hide and seek?"
0:36:22 > 0:36:26"Yes, but that's not the point. The point is I lost them. You've got to send someone.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28"I love my children so much, my God, they're missing!"
0:36:28 > 0:36:29"I think they've won."
0:36:29 > 0:36:32"Of course they've fucking won, you idiot! You're not listening to me!"
0:36:32 > 0:36:34LAUGHTER
0:36:35 > 0:36:38What am I supposed to do? But I hope I'm a good father.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39I mean I am falling apart.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I've hurt myself a lot this year, don't feel sorry for me.
0:36:42 > 0:36:43I tore my calf.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47I've had an operation on my knee, I dislocated my shoulder last year.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50I actually saw the same guy for my knee and shoulder, I didn't expect to.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52A specialist, very good doctor, I can recommend him.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53He helped my shoulder.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Then I went to the hospital with my knee and I opened the door,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58it's the same guy behind the desk. "Hello."
0:36:58 > 0:37:00"Oh, I know you. I know you."
0:37:00 > 0:37:01He said, "Yes, how's your shoulder?"
0:37:01 > 0:37:04"It's good. Really good, thank you.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06"You really helped there, it feels fine.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08"But I'm here for my knee, I've hurt my knee.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11"Have I come to the wrong room?" He said, "No, no.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12"I do shoulders and knees."
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Obviously, as you can appreciate, in these circumstances
0:37:15 > 0:37:17it's very difficult not to say...
0:37:17 > 0:37:18"And toes?"
0:37:18 > 0:37:20LAUGHTER
0:37:21 > 0:37:23But he hadn't heard the rhyme!
0:37:23 > 0:37:25What kind of a lunatic...?
0:37:25 > 0:37:28What kind of person...?! I thought everyone knew the rhyme!
0:37:28 > 0:37:29He just went, "No."
0:37:29 > 0:37:31LAUGHTER
0:37:31 > 0:37:32"I'm shoulders and knees."
0:37:32 > 0:37:34"Knees and toes?" "No, I don't do toes.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36"Do you have a problem with your toes?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38"I could recommend someone, a toe specialist?"
0:37:38 > 0:37:40"No, I was wondering - you do shoulders and knees,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43"do you do knees and toes?" "No, I don't do toes."
0:37:43 > 0:37:44"What about heads?" "Why would I do heads?
0:37:44 > 0:37:47"There's no joints in the head, I'm a joint specialist.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50"I do shoulders and knees." "Knees and toes." "I don't do toes!"
0:37:50 > 0:37:52"What about eyes and ears and mouth and nose?"
0:37:52 > 0:37:54"How many things are wrong with you?!
0:37:54 > 0:37:57"I do shoulders and knees!" "Knees and toes." "GET OUT!"
0:37:59 > 0:38:04I've also had five teeth out this year. OK?
0:38:04 > 0:38:05That's bad, I know.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Four wisdom teeth, and another tooth I had to have out
0:38:07 > 0:38:10because I've had terrible trouble with my teeth.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12It all started last year, I had this pain in my tooth.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Last year I was fine, my knee was fine,
0:38:14 > 0:38:16my calf was fine, my shoulder was fine, I was in pretty good nick.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Then I had this pain in my tooth and I went to the dentist,
0:38:19 > 0:38:21as you do, opened my mouth - which is key.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Obviously, you have to wait to be asked!
0:38:23 > 0:38:25You don't just walk in - "Haaaah?"
0:38:27 > 0:38:29So I sat in the chair and he looked in my mouth and said,
0:38:29 > 0:38:32"You've got a rotting wisdom tooth. I've got to take it out."
0:38:32 > 0:38:35And I didn't really mind, I didn't even know I had wisdom teeth.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37I know my wife's had them out,
0:38:37 > 0:38:39so I'm like, "Yeah, fine, whatever you like."
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Also, there's a TV there, I'm watching This Morning,
0:38:41 > 0:38:44watching Phillip Schofield chatting away, "Yeah, go for your life."
0:38:44 > 0:38:46So he just got to work and I just lay there,
0:38:46 > 0:38:49and I was there for a while. Maybe an hour, maybe more.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50I thought, "I've been here ages."
0:38:50 > 0:38:54So I flicked my eyes over to see if the dentist was OK, and he wasn't.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Oh, my God, he was quite stressed.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Sort of sweat coming off his forehead,
0:38:58 > 0:39:00he was straining like this - "Urrrr!"
0:39:00 > 0:39:02So I tried to ask him if he was OK, which is hard
0:39:02 > 0:39:06when your mouth is completely numb, and he had equipment in it.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09It came out as one sort of sound - "AOO-OO-AY?"
0:39:09 > 0:39:10LAUGHTER
0:39:10 > 0:39:12"AOO-OO-AY?"
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Just one noise.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16Like a Northern Irishman saying "mirror".
0:39:16 > 0:39:18That's an odd moment - "Merrrr."
0:39:18 > 0:39:20"I was looking in the merrrrr."
0:39:21 > 0:39:24They're not even in the dentist, I don't know what's going on there.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26I was like, "AOO-OO-OH-AY?"
0:39:26 > 0:39:28And he pulled back and went, "No, no."
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- SOBBING:- "No, I'm not OK. I'm not OK at all."
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I thought it was something personal.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34I was like...
0:39:34 > 0:39:35- SLURRING:- "Oh, my God.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37"Dell me what de matter ith.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39"You poor thing."
0:39:39 > 0:39:41He said, "I've been a dentist for 30 years..."
0:39:41 > 0:39:43"Congratulathionth, that'th exthellent.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46"Exthellent career, really, well done."
0:39:46 > 0:39:49"..and I've never not been able to get somebody's tooth out.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51- SOBBING:- "I can't get your tooth out. It's stuck."
0:39:51 > 0:39:54- SLURRING:- "OK, look, you need to calm yourthelf down.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"I am in no rush, OK?
0:39:58 > 0:40:01"I'm not in any pain whatthoever, I've got nowhere to be,
0:40:01 > 0:40:04"I'm watching Thith Morning, I'm abtholutely completely fine.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06"Go away, have a cup of tea,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09"chill out, come back, try again.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11"I believe in you."
0:40:14 > 0:40:16He said, "The reason you don't feel any pain
0:40:16 > 0:40:18"is I've numbed your mouth, OK? Look."
0:40:18 > 0:40:21And he passed me a mirror.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24I'm not going to lie to you, till the day I die,
0:40:24 > 0:40:28I will never forget the image that greeted me in the reflection, OK?
0:40:28 > 0:40:32This side of my face was literally twice the size of this side.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34There was bruising, I hadn't even noticed,
0:40:34 > 0:40:37my bib was covered in blood already. I didn't even see it.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39There was blood dripping out the side of my face
0:40:39 > 0:40:42like a sort of vampire, my eye was sort of closing.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45I was like, "What the thuck have you done to me?!"
0:40:47 > 0:40:49He said, "That's what I was trying to tell you.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52"We've got to get you out of here and get you to hospital. Follow me!"
0:40:52 > 0:40:54And he ran out of the room!
0:40:54 > 0:40:55I just followed on behind him.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57"Hello? Excuthe me? Hello?!"
0:40:59 > 0:41:01I have to say, I felt particularly sorry,
0:41:01 > 0:41:03the poor people in the waiting room, you know,
0:41:03 > 0:41:06they're sitting there with the fish tank, reading old magazines,
0:41:06 > 0:41:07reassuring their children
0:41:07 > 0:41:10everything was going to be fine at the dentist visit.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13I come out with bruising, blood all over my bib,
0:41:13 > 0:41:15blood coming out of the side of my mouth.
0:41:18 > 0:41:19"Excuthe me?
0:41:22 > 0:41:23"Hath anybody theen the dentitht?"
0:41:25 > 0:41:28They were like, "OK, children, you were right. Come with Mummy.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30"Come on, come with Mummy now. Come on!"
0:41:30 > 0:41:33I turn round to that idiot on reception, some woman there.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36She was like, "Would you like to book an appointment with the hygienist?"
0:41:36 > 0:41:38"The hydienitht?!
0:41:38 > 0:41:41"I need a thucking plathtic thurgeon!
0:41:41 > 0:41:42"Where'th my dentitht gone?"
0:41:44 > 0:41:47I look out the door, this idiot is in his car.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49He's in his car with the door open. He's still got his gloves on.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52He's going, "Get in!" Get in!"
0:41:52 > 0:41:54"Are you theriouth?"
0:41:54 > 0:41:55"Just get in!"
0:41:55 > 0:41:58"All right, all right!" So I get in the car with this man.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00He starts hurtling through the streets.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Literally ten minutes earlier, I was in the dentist's chair
0:42:02 > 0:42:04in relative comfort, watching This Morning,
0:42:04 > 0:42:07now we're driving through traffic. He's hooting and...
0:42:07 > 0:42:09My wife called me up on the phone, and I went, "Hello? Hello?"
0:42:09 > 0:42:11"Hello, darling. Are you still at the dentist?"
0:42:12 > 0:42:14"I'm WITH the dentitht."
0:42:16 > 0:42:18"You mean you're AT the dentist?"
0:42:18 > 0:42:20"I'm not AT dentitht.
0:42:20 > 0:42:21"I'm WITH dentitht."
0:42:22 > 0:42:24"You mean you're AT the dentist?"
0:42:24 > 0:42:26"No, I'm not AT the dentitht.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28"I'm WITH the dentitht."
0:42:28 > 0:42:30"Why are you being so pedantic?"
0:42:30 > 0:42:34"I'm not being...pan-dan-dan..."
0:42:34 > 0:42:37LAUGHTER
0:42:37 > 0:42:40"I'm in the car."
0:42:40 > 0:42:42"Oh, you're on your way home?"
0:42:42 > 0:42:44"I don't know where I'm going."
0:42:47 > 0:42:48"Michael, what IS wrong with you?"
0:42:48 > 0:42:50"The dentitht ith driding."
0:42:53 > 0:42:54"The dentist is riding?"
0:42:54 > 0:42:55"No, he'th WRIDING."
0:42:57 > 0:42:59"He's writing?"
0:42:59 > 0:43:01"The dentitht ith dwithing!"
0:43:01 > 0:43:03"The dentist is rising?"
0:43:03 > 0:43:05"The dentitht ith dwiding!"
0:43:05 > 0:43:08"The dentist is writhing?" "I'll call you wayter!"
0:43:08 > 0:43:11"You're calling a waiter? You're having lunch with the dentist?"
0:43:11 > 0:43:12"Leave it!"
0:43:12 > 0:43:16Finally, we show up at this door. He's like, "You see that door?" I'm like, "Yeah?"
0:43:16 > 0:43:19"Go in there, that's a hospital, they'll treat you, you'll be fine.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21"They're expecting you. Just tell them your name.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24"Everything will be fine. Just get out. Get out!"
0:43:24 > 0:43:26So I get out of his car, and he just drives off and leaves me,
0:43:26 > 0:43:28and I'm standing on the pavement, right?
0:43:28 > 0:43:31I've still got the blood-soaked bib on. I'm standing there,
0:43:31 > 0:43:34I saw my reflection in the glass. I have to say, I looked horrific.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36I was worried I was going to startle the receptionist,
0:43:36 > 0:43:38so I came in at my best angle.
0:43:38 > 0:43:39"Ah-da-da-da...
0:43:39 > 0:43:41"Ah-da-da-da-da..."
0:43:41 > 0:43:43"Hello, sir. Can I help you?"
0:43:43 > 0:43:45- "Yes, I was wondering..." - HE SHRIEKS
0:43:45 > 0:43:47She was like, "Oh, my God!
0:43:47 > 0:43:50"Oh, my God! Have you been attacked?"
0:43:50 > 0:43:52I was like, "No, I hathen't been attacked.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55"I don't go out in a bib, expecting athault.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59"I haven't been attacked tho many times
0:43:59 > 0:44:01"I now wear abthorbent clothing.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06"Apparently, you're expecting me."
0:44:06 > 0:44:09She said, "OK, sir, can I take your name, please?"
0:44:09 > 0:44:12The problem is, if you've had a local anaesthetic, you can't move your lips.
0:44:12 > 0:44:16I had no control of my lips, and you need that for certain letters of the alphabet.
0:44:16 > 0:44:19The M, for example, greatly requires lip work. Muh!
0:44:19 > 0:44:21And I couldn't do that. I need that to identify myself.
0:44:21 > 0:44:23So she was like, "Can I take your name, please?"
0:44:23 > 0:44:25"Yes...Ackle Ackincacker."
0:44:28 > 0:44:30"Ackle Ackincacker?"
0:44:32 > 0:44:35"No! Ackle Agingager."
0:44:37 > 0:44:38"Ackle Agingager?"
0:44:38 > 0:44:40"No! Watch my lips!"
0:44:43 > 0:44:46LAUGHTER
0:44:46 > 0:44:51"M...M...A-rah-rah-rah-rah.
0:44:54 > 0:44:57"Maaaa-kul...
0:44:57 > 0:44:59"Ma-ma-ma-kur."
0:45:01 > 0:45:03"Right, OK, the best thing for you to do,
0:45:03 > 0:45:06"if you head down the corridor, sit in the waiting room,
0:45:06 > 0:45:07"and we'll get the bottom of this."
0:45:07 > 0:45:11I'm not going to lie to you, I was quite pissed off she didn't recognise me, OK?
0:45:11 > 0:45:12I've done quite a lot of television.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15I know that this side of my face was pretty much unrecognisable,
0:45:15 > 0:45:16but this side was fine.
0:45:16 > 0:45:18I tried to jog her memory as I went down the corridor.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21"Unbewievable!"
0:45:21 > 0:45:22She never even looked round.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24So I get into the waiting room now,
0:45:24 > 0:45:26and the anaesthetic starts to wear off,
0:45:26 > 0:45:29and I start to feel a bit... you know, it hurts a bit now,
0:45:29 > 0:45:32and I start making this low, sort of ET sound on my own in the corner.
0:45:32 > 0:45:37HE GURGLES AND MOANS
0:45:37 > 0:45:39"Elliott? Elliott?"
0:45:40 > 0:45:43I'm trying to be nice, trying to look at other people in there.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46HE GURGLES AND MOANS
0:45:46 > 0:45:49Thankfully, I think for everybody, the nurse came in quite quickly.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53"Ackle Ackincacker?"
0:45:54 > 0:45:56I didn't respond. I just sat there.
0:45:56 > 0:45:58HE GURGLES AND MOANS
0:45:58 > 0:46:00She came right up to my face. "Excuse me?"
0:46:00 > 0:46:02"Huh?"
0:46:02 > 0:46:04"Are you Ackle Ackincacker?"
0:46:04 > 0:46:05"No."
0:46:05 > 0:46:08HE GURGLES AND MOANS
0:46:08 > 0:46:09"So, what is your name?"
0:46:09 > 0:46:11"Ackle Ackincacker."
0:46:11 > 0:46:14LAUGHTER
0:46:14 > 0:46:17"Oh, yeah, that ith actually me! Thorry, chaps.
0:46:18 > 0:46:22"My weal name, obviouthly, is Ackle Ackincacker.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25"But here, they know me as Ackle Ackincacker.
0:46:25 > 0:46:27"I'm a co-MEH-dian."
0:46:30 > 0:46:32So they take me up to this private room,
0:46:32 > 0:46:33and she's really nice to me now.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36She's like, "Oh, my God, you've had a terrible day, haven't you?
0:46:36 > 0:46:39"I have! I've had a real horrible day.
0:46:40 > 0:46:42"Pleathe, are you gon' to help me?"
0:46:42 > 0:46:44She was like, "Yes, don't worry. We do this all the time.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46"We'll give you a general anaesthetic,
0:46:46 > 0:46:48"take your tooth out, everything is going to be fine.
0:46:48 > 0:46:51"Take all your clothes off and pop this hospital gown on,
0:46:51 > 0:46:53"we'll take you straight through to surgery."
0:46:53 > 0:46:54"Thorry, all my clothes off?"
0:46:54 > 0:46:57"Take all your clothes off, pop the gown on and we'll take you through."
0:46:57 > 0:46:59"Why do I have to take my clothes off?
0:46:59 > 0:47:02"All the patients have to wear the hospital gown. That's hospital policy."
0:47:02 > 0:47:05"Yeth, but you don't theem to underthtand the thituation.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07"I've got a problem with my tooth.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09"Which is located in my mouth.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14"I don't have a tooth embedded in my arthe.
0:47:15 > 0:47:16"Tho can I wear my own clothes?"
0:47:16 > 0:47:19But, no. You know what it's like if you've been to hospital.
0:47:19 > 0:47:21They humiliate you for no reason at all.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24You have to put this sort of piece of shit floral, thin gown on,
0:47:24 > 0:47:28the WRONG WAY ROUND, with your arse hanging out.
0:47:28 > 0:47:30I had to go into the loo with this gown
0:47:30 > 0:47:33with literally my bare bottom hanging out the back,
0:47:33 > 0:47:34and you put this on for no reason.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37Everyone in the hospital has their clothes on the right way round.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39You have to put it on like that. I came out...
0:47:44 > 0:47:45"Thatisfied?"
0:47:45 > 0:47:47She was like, "Yes, that's perfect."
0:47:47 > 0:47:49"Thuck off, it's perfect!
0:47:50 > 0:47:54"I've got a tooth hanging out, and now I've got my bum out.
0:47:54 > 0:47:58"There no reason why I have to have my bum out.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01"It'th disgratheful, it'th dethpicable,
0:48:01 > 0:48:05"it'th deplorable, it'th abhorrent.
0:48:05 > 0:48:07"What on earth are you going to do to me
0:48:07 > 0:48:11"under general anaeththetic that requires acceth to my arthe?
0:48:11 > 0:48:13"Answer me!
0:48:13 > 0:48:15"There will be repercuthions!"
0:48:16 > 0:48:17"There'll be what?"
0:48:17 > 0:48:19"Repercuthions!"
0:48:19 > 0:48:21"Don't take that tone with me, Mr Ackincacker."
0:48:21 > 0:48:24"For the latht time, my name...
0:48:24 > 0:48:25"ith Ackincacker!"
0:48:27 > 0:48:30Now, I have to follow this woman down the corridor,
0:48:30 > 0:48:33and there is no way I'm going to walk down a hospital corridor
0:48:33 > 0:48:35with my arse just flapping away here,
0:48:35 > 0:48:38so people just happen to be behind me, looking at my arse.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41No, that is not going to happen. So I go down the wall like this.
0:48:41 > 0:48:42"Unbelievable! There's no reathon
0:48:42 > 0:48:45"why I have to have my bum out. Why have I got my bum out?"
0:48:45 > 0:48:47Somebody was doing the same thing towards me.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51"All right, quickly...eathy! Thank you. Cheers, mate. Good luck."
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Finally, they lie me down on a hospital bed, and I'm thrilled now,
0:48:54 > 0:48:56because my arse is concealed. I'm happy.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59The anaesthetist comes in, a very serious sort of quite old man.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01"Hello. I'm the anaesthetist.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03"I'm going to give you a general anaesthetic.
0:49:03 > 0:49:04"I'm going to knock you out.
0:49:04 > 0:49:07"I'm going to give you a small prick in your left arm.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09"You're going to be knocked out immediately.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11"Are you OK with that, Michael?"
0:49:11 > 0:49:13- I'm like... - HE GASPS
0:49:13 > 0:49:14"Ackle!
0:49:16 > 0:49:17"That'th my name!"
0:49:18 > 0:49:20He said, "Yes, I know exactly who you are.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22"My three daughters are big fans of yours."
0:49:22 > 0:49:24"Oh, that'th very kind. Thank you, thank you."
0:49:24 > 0:49:26Then he put the needle in my arm, and he went,
0:49:26 > 0:49:29"My wife and I, not so keen." And put me out!
0:49:30 > 0:49:32- LAUGHTER - After the day I'd had!
0:49:32 > 0:49:34I was like, "You mother...!"
0:49:36 > 0:49:38I woke up I don't know how many hours later,
0:49:38 > 0:49:40I didn't know where I was.
0:49:40 > 0:49:41Sometimes I wake up at home in a deep sleep
0:49:41 > 0:49:43and I don't know where I am.
0:49:43 > 0:49:46This was the deepest sleep I've ever had, it was a general anaesthetic.
0:49:46 > 0:49:48I woke up, it was in bed, it was bright, it was hot.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50I'd come out of the covers. Like, in a heat wave, you come out.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53When your arse is like your highest point.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55You've come out of the duvet.
0:49:55 > 0:49:56You know you're lying down,
0:49:56 > 0:49:58at some stage during the night,
0:49:58 > 0:50:01the duvet sort of tucks in and you just sort of roll out like this.
0:50:03 > 0:50:04So, I wake up.
0:50:05 > 0:50:09And, within moments, I feel this breeze coming in the back.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12LAUGHTER
0:50:13 > 0:50:15So I turn round to see
0:50:15 > 0:50:17my entire family standing there.
0:50:19 > 0:50:20At which point, my son said,
0:50:20 > 0:50:22"Pants down, you're the loser."
0:50:22 > 0:50:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:50:23 > 0:50:25Oh, what fun we've had here tonight!
0:50:25 > 0:50:28Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Bravo!
0:50:28 > 0:50:31- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you! Thank you all!
0:50:31 > 0:50:33Good night! Bravo!
0:50:33 > 0:50:34Good night!
0:50:34 > 0:50:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:50:47 > 0:50:51LOUD CHEERING
0:50:51 > 0:50:53HE LAUGHS
0:50:53 > 0:50:55Thank you!
0:50:56 > 0:50:58Um, first of all, I'd like to say
0:50:58 > 0:51:01thank you to all of you for being here tonight,
0:51:01 > 0:51:04for coming to see my show. I mean, I depend on you.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Without you, I'm nothing.
0:51:06 > 0:51:10I enjoy this more than anything. Thank you so much.
0:51:10 > 0:51:15Because, if you knew what my life entails, you'd realise how,
0:51:15 > 0:51:18you know, how much this is the best part of my day.
0:51:18 > 0:51:21I basically sit and wait. I've been touring round the country for ages.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23It's great to be home. I live in London, obviously,
0:51:23 > 0:51:26and I've been in hotels all the time. Endless hotels.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29Hotels, you think they're fun, but a lot of them are quite...
0:51:29 > 0:51:30a lot of shit hotels.
0:51:30 > 0:51:33I had literally the most probably embarrassing experience I've ever had
0:51:33 > 0:51:36the other day, when I was checking into this hotel.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38There was this woman on reception, quite cute. Very cute, actually.
0:51:38 > 0:51:41Sort of eyelashes... seemed to be flirting with me.
0:51:41 > 0:51:42It was quite weird.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44I came in, and she was like, "Hello! Hello!"
0:51:44 > 0:51:46- HE GIGGLES GIRLISHLY - "Hello!"
0:51:46 > 0:51:49Oh, my God! She had an accent. I don't know where she was from.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51She was from somewhere ELSE. "Hello!"
0:51:51 > 0:51:53I came in with all my bags, and she was like,
0:51:53 > 0:51:54"Hello, are you checking in?"
0:51:54 > 0:51:55It's always an odd question,
0:51:55 > 0:51:58when you walk into a hotel for the first time with all your bags.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01"No, I'm pole vaulting. Is this wrong?"
0:52:01 > 0:52:03"Ha-ha! You're so funny!
0:52:03 > 0:52:06"Can I take your name, please? Can I take your name?"
0:52:06 > 0:52:07I was like, "Yes, it's McIntyre."
0:52:07 > 0:52:09"McIntyre...Michael? Michael?"
0:52:09 > 0:52:11"Yes, Michael McIntyre."
0:52:11 > 0:52:13"OK. You're with us for just the one night?"
0:52:13 > 0:52:16"Yes, I'm just with you for one night. Not with YOU!
0:52:16 > 0:52:18"You understand, I mean the hotel.
0:52:18 > 0:52:19"Ha-ha! You're so funny!"
0:52:21 > 0:52:24"Would you like newspaper in the morning? Would you like newspaper?"
0:52:24 > 0:52:27I was like, "No, thank you. I'll be fine. Fine without, thank you."
0:52:27 > 0:52:29"Would you like wake-up call? Would you like wake-up call?"
0:52:29 > 0:52:31"No, don't phone me, I'll be fine. Thank you."
0:52:31 > 0:52:34Then she asked me, which I suppose is a normal question,
0:52:34 > 0:52:38cos it was just me for the one night, how many keys I wanted for the room.
0:52:38 > 0:52:39And she went, "Do you want wan-key?"
0:52:39 > 0:52:42LAUGHTER
0:52:44 > 0:52:47LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:52:49 > 0:52:51"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What did you say?
0:52:51 > 0:52:53"Do you want wan-key?"
0:52:54 > 0:52:56"Do I want wanky?!"
0:52:57 > 0:52:59"Yes, I can give you wan-key if you want."
0:52:59 > 0:53:02LAUGHTER
0:53:02 > 0:53:04"Is that included in the wake-up call?
0:53:04 > 0:53:06"Because I might actually go for that."
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Not that they give you a key, anyway.
0:53:09 > 0:53:11Keys work fine. We all have keys,
0:53:11 > 0:53:13we'll go home and use a key to get into our home.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15But in hotels, they give you these key cards,
0:53:15 > 0:53:17these pieces of plastic that work 50% of the time.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19You go all the way to the room,
0:53:19 > 0:53:20it goes from red to red, red to red...
0:53:20 > 0:53:22Sometimes I spend my whole stay there,
0:53:22 > 0:53:24cos I don't want to go back to reception. Red, red...
0:53:24 > 0:53:26Sometimes it goes green and you get your bags,
0:53:26 > 0:53:29and it's red again. "Just let me in!"
0:53:29 > 0:53:31I always come in and have a little peruse of my new home.
0:53:31 > 0:53:33What's it going to be like? Walk around...
0:53:33 > 0:53:36Certain aspects of hotel rooms greatly depress me.
0:53:36 > 0:53:37Tea and coffee making facilities.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40That's a bit of a low point, isn't it? You know, sort of...
0:53:40 > 0:53:42- IN WEEDY VOICE:- Tea and coffee making facilities
0:53:42 > 0:53:44with your mini kettle.
0:53:44 > 0:53:46It's one of the very boring moments in life
0:53:46 > 0:53:48when you have to take your mini kettle into the bathroom.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51You should never fill a kettle in a bathroom.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53You take it in there, you put it under the tap, right?
0:53:53 > 0:53:56Fill it up entirely with water, then to get it out,
0:53:56 > 0:53:59you have to empty all the water and take the kettle out.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02You fill up the whole kettle, empty the entire kettle, take kettle out.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04I'll go through that for, like, half an hour.
0:54:04 > 0:54:07Then I have to turn to the bath. It's a very depressing situation.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10And those mini milks. What is with those little UHT milks?
0:54:10 > 0:54:11It looks like a magic trick.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14It doesn't matter how many UHT milks you put into a coffee,
0:54:14 > 0:54:16it will never change colour.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19You can see the white fluid landing in the coffee
0:54:19 > 0:54:21and then just disappearing. What's happened?
0:54:21 > 0:54:24I've just used 13 mini milks, and I've still got a black coffee.
0:54:24 > 0:54:28The liquid isn't even rising. How is that even possible?!
0:54:28 > 0:54:31But the biscuit is really rather thrilling, cos it's free.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34I eat the biscuit as soon as I see it.
0:54:34 > 0:54:36I don't know why I get so attracted to a free biscuit.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39Shortbread - I don't even eat shortbread at home.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41If I walk into a hotel and there's shortbread...
0:54:41 > 0:54:43HE GOBBLES ENTHUSIASTICALLY
0:54:43 > 0:54:45"Yummy shortbread!"
0:54:45 > 0:54:46Just drop the wrapper.
0:54:46 > 0:54:48I'm not at home now. Yeah!
0:54:48 > 0:54:51LAUGHTER
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Opening drawers at random. Empty...
0:54:53 > 0:54:54And I check them all.
0:54:54 > 0:54:57There's never anything in them. Empty, empty, empty.
0:54:57 > 0:54:58There's a Bible next to the bed,
0:54:58 > 0:55:01so you can pray for an upgrade. Thanks for your help(!)
0:55:02 > 0:55:05Oh, and can I just ask, while I have you all here,
0:55:05 > 0:55:09who, at home on their beds, by way of applause, has a duvet?
0:55:09 > 0:55:12Duvet people, reveal yourselves!
0:55:12 > 0:55:14- LOUD CHEERING - Duvet people!
0:55:14 > 0:55:16This is much what I expected.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18Who doesn't have a duvet?
0:55:18 > 0:55:20SPARSE CHEERS
0:55:20 > 0:55:22One person. OK?
0:55:22 > 0:55:23So what I want to know is,
0:55:23 > 0:55:26why literally in every hotel room I stay in,
0:55:26 > 0:55:28am I strapped into sheets?!
0:55:28 > 0:55:30LAUGHTER
0:55:30 > 0:55:33Sometimes with a brown blanket on the top.
0:55:33 > 0:55:34I'm not a World War II evacuee,
0:55:34 > 0:55:38give me a duvet like everybody else has!
0:55:38 > 0:55:40And they make the bed so tight that when you get in it,
0:55:40 > 0:55:42you're sort of trapped in it.
0:55:42 > 0:55:45"I can't...I can't move!"
0:55:45 > 0:55:47- SCREAMS:- "HELP ME!"
0:55:47 > 0:55:49There are people outside the door going,
0:55:49 > 0:55:51"As soon as we get in, Mr McIntyre, we will come to your aid.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53"Just sit tight. Have you had enough to eat?"
0:55:53 > 0:55:56"I had the shortbread!"
0:55:56 > 0:55:57I'm praying on the Bible.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00"Save me, God, from these shit sheets!"
0:56:01 > 0:56:04And the things they think you need in hotels, oh, my God!
0:56:04 > 0:56:07Sewing kits. Sewing kits, are they kidding?!
0:56:07 > 0:56:11Who is sewing in hotel rooms? What do they think we're doing?
0:56:11 > 0:56:14What kind of people are they expecting to book?
0:56:14 > 0:56:16"I booked a nice hotel for us this weekend.
0:56:16 > 0:56:18"Going to catch up on our tailoring, I thought."
0:56:18 > 0:56:20"Maybe do some bible studies, have some black coffee,
0:56:20 > 0:56:23"sleep on the outside of the sheets - it's party night!"
0:56:23 > 0:56:24Are you kidding?!
0:56:26 > 0:56:28Have you ever forgotten your toothpaste in a hotel?
0:56:28 > 0:56:30They give you enough toothpaste for one tooth.
0:56:30 > 0:56:33Thanks for your generosity. That's lovely.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35And the bathroom...oh, my God, it's unbelievable.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37The more expensive the hotel you stay in,
0:56:37 > 0:56:39there will be lotions and potions and bottles
0:56:39 > 0:56:42for things you didn't even know existed. Bottles everywhere.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44The cheaper the hotel, there will be, like,
0:56:44 > 0:56:46one bottle that claims to be everything.
0:56:46 > 0:56:53"Oh! The shampoo conditioning body wash shaving cream toothpaste milk."
0:56:53 > 0:56:55LAUGHTER
0:56:57 > 0:57:00"Milk? I might try a bit in my coffee. You never know."
0:57:01 > 0:57:04And inappropriately sized towels. These drive me crazy.
0:57:04 > 0:57:07You come out of the shower and there's, like, 15 towels
0:57:07 > 0:57:09that get smaller and smaller and smaller.
0:57:09 > 0:57:11Towels that don't go round the human body.
0:57:11 > 0:57:14What is the point of a towel that won't go round a human being?
0:57:14 > 0:57:16Sometimes I have to just use the mat.
0:57:16 > 0:57:17"At least this fits!"
0:57:19 > 0:57:20People tend to go for the side open.
0:57:20 > 0:57:24That tends to be the internationally recognised solution for the short towel.
0:57:24 > 0:57:26Sort of leave that open.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28Come out, complaining to my wife. "Look at these towels.
0:57:28 > 0:57:31"They don't even go the whole way round me."
0:57:31 > 0:57:32It's very rare to go front open.
0:57:32 > 0:57:35"Can you believe this?! They don't even go the whole way round."
0:57:35 > 0:57:38"Just hurry up. We're late anyway."
0:57:41 > 0:57:43Once, I got the sewing kit
0:57:43 > 0:57:45and I sewed up all the towels to make a huge towel.
0:57:45 > 0:57:49"Yes! Look at me in my huge towel!"
0:57:49 > 0:57:53Lying on the outside of my sheets in my enormous, newly-sewed towel.
0:57:53 > 0:57:56Reading Genesis, drinking black coffee, phoning reception,
0:57:56 > 0:57:58"I think I'm ready for that wan-key now,
0:57:58 > 0:58:00"if you want to send someone up."
0:58:00 > 0:58:02Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for being here tonight.
0:58:02 > 0:58:05Best night we've had! Thank you, at the back!
0:58:05 > 0:58:07Thank you on the sides!
0:58:07 > 0:58:10Thank you so much for coming! Safe journey home.
0:58:10 > 0:58:13Thank you all! Good night! Bravo!
0:58:13 > 0:58:15What fun we've had! Good night!
0:58:15 > 0:58:18LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:21 > 0:58:23Woo-hoo!