0:00:02 > 0:00:09THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR AND SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Now put your hands together and go wild, go crazy for the one, the only, it's Nina Conti!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Hello! Thank you.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Hello.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Thank you very much. How fabulous. What a crowd!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello, hello, hello.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32What a fabulous crowd.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Thank you very much for coming to Talk To The Hand.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I'm Nina and I'm a ventriloquist.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Nina, I'm ready.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42What? Where are you, Monkey?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm in the basket.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45But that's no good. I need you here.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- OK, lift up your right hand. - Yeah?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51And start talking to it.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54No, that's no good. We need you on stage.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- Well, get the costume.- OK.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Now put your hand inside me.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Right.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Oh, sweet Jesus, I'll never get used to this.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- OK, are you ready now, Monkey? - Yes, ready.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09On the count of three. One, two, three, huh!
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Hello, hello. Hey, Sydney, thank you.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17OK, get rid of this shit.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, there's no going back.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20No, there's no going back.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22So we've got lots to look forward to tonight.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- I'm going to hit Kings Cross later. - What?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Going to get me some sweet Sydney ass.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Excuse me! You're a monkey.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- They're not fussy.- What?!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And I've got lots of new puppets.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Don't get excited. They're all shit.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41That's not true.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43They're all shit cos they're all you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Can you not deconstruct the whole act quite so early on?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52What, do you reckon they think you're talking to a real monkey?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55This isn't Adelaide, Nina.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Oh, they love it. They love it. They hate Adelaide.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08So, right. I wanted to start by saying that most ventriloquists...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- Are dead.- No!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Or at least lonely. - No, not that. Um...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Most ventriloquists...
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Can't afford to feed their kids.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22No, not that either. Most ventriloquists...
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Die on cruise ships.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Monkey, shut up! Am I ever going to get to the end of this sentence?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Well, if YOU don't know, we're fucked!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I've actually fitted Monkey with a built-in bleeper,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36which I will now use.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- You did- SQUEAK- what?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Oh, you- SQUEAK- cow.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- I don't- SQUEAK- believe it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Can I still say- SQUEAK?- Oh.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Sorry.- Oh, fiddlesticks.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00So, um, no, what I was saying... Don't interrupt me.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm going to cover your mouth. Most ventriloquists...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- No, I can't breathe.- What?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Get off. Nina, get your- SQUEAK- hand off me.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Monkey, stop it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09No, I can't breathe.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12MONKEY GASPS
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Are you OK?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I don't breathe anyway, Nina!
0:03:19 > 0:03:20OK.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- All right, so... - What's that stuck to your face?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- What? It's my microphone. - Where's MY microphone?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Well, you don't have one. - Well, that screws up the illusion!
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Look at you standing there, trying not to move your mouth. What a loser.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Monkey! You can talk into my mic if you want. Come on.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- I don't trust you. - Come on. Oh, God.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Testing. - That's good. That's cosy.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Stuck on your tit. - No, talk into it.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Testing, testing, one, two, three. - Is that convincing?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Testing, testing, one, two, three.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Makes no bloody difference!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Now I've lost the thread. What? - What?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Nothing. What? Were you going to say something?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08How would you not know that, Nina?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09All right. No, I remember.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I was saying most ventriloquists... Don't interrupt me.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Most ventriloquists like to stick to a script.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Why is that?- That's because it's nice to plan ahead
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- what your face is going to be doing. - What do you mean?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Well, you know, to make it look like you're listening
0:04:22 > 0:04:24when you're, in fact, talking.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- What, like this? This shit you're doing now?- Yeah.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Why do you have to make it look so hard?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- Oh, sorry.- First rule of show business, make everything look easy.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Fine.- Second rule of show business, don't- SQUEAK- the elephants.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40What? There aren't any elephants here, Monkey.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Cos I can't trust you with them, Nina.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Oh, shush! Right, no, it's difficult...
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- On the tit again. - Monkey! It's difficult to look like
0:04:50 > 0:04:52you're listening when you're talking.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Nina, all married couples do that.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Well, yeah, but we're not even married.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I know, you deny me.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01No, I don't! You're me.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I know. It's worse than incest.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07What?! It's nothing like it. So, um, yes.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08So that's why, you know,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11ventriloquists have liked to stick to a script.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Well, not this year. This year we're going off script.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I'm going to talk to some actual human beings. Let's see.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Who are you, sir? I like you with your hand on your mouth.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- What's your name? - My name's Greg.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Greg.- Greg, nice to meet you, and what do you do?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I work in computers.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28You work in computers?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Not IN computers, but work with computers.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- You work with them. - And sell them.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36You sell them. OK. The details are not that interesting, sir.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You mean you don't create software like...
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Nah.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43He just flogs them. He's a simple guy.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44So...right, OK.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- And is this your bitch?- What?!
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Are you together?- Yes. - You are, right.- That's good.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- For tonight. - For tonight?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- Oh, she's... - Bit late for the cameras.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00You were late for the cameras.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- She's...- What? What?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I don't have a clue what the fuck they're on about.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'm catching up. I'm catching up.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Yeah, but for as long as you don't understand, I remain clueless.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12So you, um, you were late.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14What were you doing, dolling up yourself?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- He was.- He was?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18He was dolling up you?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Right. Well, you're really welcome.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24You're really fucking welcome. What do you do? What do you do, missy?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25- Sorry?- What do you do?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I'm an assistant manager in the Sydney Children's Hospital.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Assistant manager in the Sydney Children's...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Oh, you're a good girl.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- You dress like a slut, but you're a good girl.- What?!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41She knows she does. She's happy with it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43And what about you, sir? What do you do?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- I'm an archaeologist. - You're an archaeologist!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Oh, that's really interesting.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Now, let's just pause a minute while Nina remembers what that means.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- No, I think I do. - So you dig up old shit?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Right. And have you ever found anything very rich?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59And pocketed it for your own bank account?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Have you found interesting things? - Um...
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Australia's quite new. - What kind of things have you found?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Stone artefacts.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Stone artefacts?- Moving on.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Sounds very interesting.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- And is this YOUR bitch?- Yes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Right, and you guys are married?- No.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- No.- Why not? - Monkey, that's impertinent.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24What's wrong with her?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28She looks quite hot to me. I'd marry her.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And, ah, what do you do, missy?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- I'm a building designer.- You're a building designer. Excellent.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38And do you ever use his little old stone artefacts to build anything?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- If he'll let me. - Marble city.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42If he'll let you, yes. Does he ever let you?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- No.- No.- What? What are you going to say?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Suck his dick? - No, to hold his thing!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I can't ... Oh, my God, it's awful. I'm so sorry.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54And you, sir, what do you do?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Me, I'm a dance instructor.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- You're a dance instructor. - Oh, that's good. How's this?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Have I got what it takes? - That's good, isn't it?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05You do it now, Nina.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, don't do that. I nearly threw up over there.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13So you're a dance instructor. That's very exciting.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Do your instructions ever make it to the stage,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18or do you just give them out willy nilly?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- No, I own a dance studio. - You own a dance studio.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26That's really good. And do you have relationships with the dancers?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Well done, sir. So you're a dancer?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Mm-hmm.- And you're doing the instructor?- Yes.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- That's good. - Does it improve your dancing?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37It absolutely does.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Well, then you're doing the right thing and I applaud your choice.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43And look at them getting tense down the end of the row there.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47They know it's them next. But it's actually you guys!
0:08:47 > 0:08:48CHEERING
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Oh, they want it. - They love it. They're loving it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Look at that one with her hands in the air. What do you do?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- BOTH:- I'm a...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Monkey, which one are you talking to?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I don't know. My eyes are marbles.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- They both answered. - It's her birthday.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- It's your birthday.- Happy birthday. Are you, ah, are you legal yet?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- I am now.- So you're 18?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Excellent stuff. What's the first thing you're going to do?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Kiss the monkey!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15She says kiss the monkey.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Go on, give Monkey a kiss.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Oh, Jesus, what are we going to do?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23They're suggesting that she kisses the monkey.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Well, I think that might be strange.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Well, I'm scared, too. It's cross-species. Disgusting.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32This is a DVD.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- I don't think, ah, I don't think I can- SQUEAK- do it.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Monkey, please!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40No, I don't. Listen... shall we go for it? Come on.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Ohh! Ohh!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:45 > 0:09:49That was interesting, and I think you're brave. I think you're brave.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Nina has never done that all these years.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53This front row is very fruity.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57For once, I'm shocked.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58And what do you do, sir,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01in the T-shirt with the doughnut on it?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02I'm a forklift driver.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You're a forklift driver.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06That is masculine. I love it.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I love exactly what you do.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10And so you lift things with the truck and you lift them
0:10:10 > 0:10:14and you put them down and you lift them and you put them down.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16And one day you die...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21..and you wonder what it was all about.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Is this your girlfriend?- No.- No.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27And is this your boyfriend?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- The night is young. - The night is young.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Soon he'll be lifting you up and putting you down...
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I hope you have fun with it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And what do you do, sir?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- I'm a musician. - You're a musician, OK.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47So you could play music as he lifted you up and put you down.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49That'd be great. What do you play?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- I'm a drummer.- You're a drummer.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Excellent. That's the simplest instrument.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56No, it's not. You have to be very clever to do all those syncopated rhythms.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- What the hell are you talking about? - I don't know. We went off track.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01So are you in a band?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Yeah.- Of course he's in a band.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You don't get solo drummers unless they're...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Well, sometimes you might. You are in a band?- Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- Oh, what kind of stuff do you do? Rock or...?- Ah, funk.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14He said funk and he did this.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17He's got the beat.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20He's given it to me now.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- OK.- And you, lady, what do you do?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- I'm a nurse.- You're a nurse.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Oh, I love you. Can you take a look at my rear end?
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Why?!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Oh, it's just Nina's started using other puppets.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39And I'm really worried cos that's how disease is spread.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41You don't have to look.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44He's fine, he's healthy and it's all very hygienic.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Who's this on the penultimate end?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- I'm a nurse, too.- You're a nurse.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50A couple of nurses. I love you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51OK, you keep the world safe.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Now, shall I keep Monkey away and you can all relax?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- Is that a good idea? - No, it's not a good idea.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Yeah, it is. I'm going to put Monkey on the stand here.- OK.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00What is it?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03It's just something we made, actually, for you to sit on.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Couldn't look less like a tree.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- OK, you all right? - Yes, my heart's not in this.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- Are you all right? - Yes, I think so. OK, let's go.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17All right, so what do you fancy doing now?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Now I'd like to improvise.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21OK. So how is that going to work?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Well, we're going to start with some word association.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Can you just explain to everyone, what's word association?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28It's when you say a word
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and then I say the first thing that comes into your head.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35OK. All right, fine.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- OK, so I'll do it with you.- Yes. - And then I'll do it with them.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- OK, fine. So who's going to start? - You're going to start.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- OK.- Either way you're going to start.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- All right, so - cheese. - Sandwich. Oh, it's gone.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- What's wrong?- Start again. Ready?- Steady.- Cook.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Oh, shit. Didn't mean to say that.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57OK, I'm going to do it with all of you guys.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Can you shout out the first thing that comes into your head
0:13:00 > 0:13:01when I say - hairy.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Doughnut! Man!
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Hairy doughnut.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Hairy doughnut man. OK, good.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08I like it, the idea of that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10OK, any others?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Yes, I'm going to do one more.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I'd like a few more of you to shout out this time.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Dangly.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Testicles!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20OK, OK. I think we've found their level.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I think you set it up. OK, very good.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25There was one very loud man with "testicles" over there.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Clearly, his are very dangly.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Anything else? Are you happy with that?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30One more. Massive...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Grapes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Grapes. Nice. - Nice and clean. I like it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Massive grapes. I'd like one now.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40So they're shouting out. You happy with that?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Yes, now I'd like two everyday objects.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- Why?- I'm going to fashion a joke out of them.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- You're going to fashion a joke? - Yes, indeed, I am.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50OK. Good luck.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I don't need good luck. I'm good at this shit.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55All right, can I have two everyday objects, thank you.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Lamb!- What?- Toaster!
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Toaster, and what was the other one?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Spoon. OK, I heard "spoon" and "toaster". Are you happy with that?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Yeah, I'm fine. Go ahead.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06What's the difference between a toaster and a spoon?
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- Well, one is a sexual aid...- Right.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And the other is useful for drinking your soup with.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- What?- You see what I did there?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, I thought the spoon was the sexual aid.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Well, you would, you weird girl.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Turns out I prefer to do it with a toaster.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- Brown me on both sides, you hot bitch!- Monkey!
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Ding!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Drop it in the slot again, Nina. - Monkey, stop it!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I think I can last for four minutes this time.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Oh, that toasty toasty love. - Right, OK.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Two more everyday household objects. - Coffee cup.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Coffee cup. And what? A clock.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Monkey, what's the difference between a coffee cup and a clock?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Oh, no wonder we're always late.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05SILENCE
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Where were you guys? That was comedy gold.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08You think so?
0:15:10 > 0:15:15I got the rhythm again. OK, here we go.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- What do you want to do now? - Now I'd like to do an entire story.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh, bloody hell! Good luck.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Shut up with the luck. I can do it.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24So what's the format?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Well, I'm going to start and then when I pause, they fill in the gaps.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29All right. How do we know when you've paused?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Because you're going to do a hand gesture, bitch.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- OK.- Can I see your hand gesture?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Well, like that.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- OK. It's a bit grandiose.- It's fine.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Don't do it with the wrong hand.- OK.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44She's 18 but we've already kissed
0:15:44 > 0:15:46and I don't want to fly off into her lap.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49OK, fine. All right, whenever you're ready.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a ...
0:15:54 > 0:15:59- Dragon!- Dragon.- Dragon. And he was very happy.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03He was the usual kind of fire-breathing type,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06and he had everything he wanted in his life.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09He had a toaster which he used in indecent ways,
0:16:09 > 0:16:15and a couple of nurses, and you know, all that shit in the front row.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18We could call all that back, but I think life's too short.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22So right. He was a dragon, he had everything he wanted.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Yes, but there was one thing that really worried him,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and that was his ...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Gimp suit!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Oh, what? Yes? What was the one? What was that? A raft?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Raft. Is that what the girl said, raft?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39AUDIENCE CALL OUT
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- What?- She can't hear and I can't talk. We're fucked.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- What did you say? - Is it the accent or what?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Roar?- Roar?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Oh, my God.- We're so confused. Let's have another one.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59There was one thing that really bothered him and that was his...
0:16:59 > 0:17:00AUDIENCE CALL OUT
0:17:03 > 0:17:04You asked for them all to call out.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I know, and they do it simultaneously and I can't hear a thing.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11God, my ears are fluff. I don't stand a chance.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13One more. I'm going to ask you. What word?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Haemorrhoids. - Haemorrhoids. OK, fine.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Oh, and we're off. - OK, fine.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20So there was one thing that really bothered him
0:17:20 > 0:17:22and that was his haemorrhoids.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Right, OK, fine. So the dragon had haemorrhoids?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Why was that? - Well, eating too much fiery food.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- OK.- It's difficult.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35It blowed out both ends with fire and they were like molten lava.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- OK, fine.- Bubbling out.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Fine. Oh, this is disgusting.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And this is the DVD. We've really lowered the tone.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Don't worry about it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48So, right, this dragon had haemorrhoids that worried him.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Yes, desperately worried him. So he decided to kill himself.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55So how does a dragon kill himself?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57He inhales sharply.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:05OK. So...he's going to kill himself.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Yes. When suddenly his eye fell upon a...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10A toenail.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11A toenail.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12A toenail.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16And he thought, "Oh, that's an interesting little artefact.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"An archaeologist might mistake that for something
0:18:20 > 0:18:21"and give it to his wife."
0:18:21 > 0:18:24So what did he do?
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Well, he wondered for a minute, "How can that toenail cure my issues?"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32So he used it to cure his haemorrhoids.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35He lampooned them one at a time and ...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37AUDIENCE GROANS
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- That's disgusting. - And he lived happily ever after.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Thank you very much. The end.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Monkey! - APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I don't know why you act so shocked. It comes from your sick mind.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- No, it doesn't! - I'm going to do one more.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Once upon a time in a land far away there was a...
0:18:56 > 0:18:57- Unicorn.- A unicorn.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00A unicorn. And he had everything he wanted in his life.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03He was excited, he had a lovely horn and everything was good.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06But there was one thing that really worried him and that was his....
0:19:06 > 0:19:07PEOPLE CALL OUT
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- His what?- His soft-on.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11His soft-on?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Oh, Jesus, I really don't want this to be so dirty.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Guys, guys, I know it's Saturday night, but calm down.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Monkey, you're the filthiest monkey we know.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23OK, his soft-on worried him.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27So he decided to kill himself.
0:19:30 > 0:19:36So, dear me. So how does a unicorn kill himself?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39He turns his horn inward.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Right, OK.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45And, yes, he was going to do that, because the soft-on wasn't working.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46What is a soft-on?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49It's something that happens to men, not unicorns.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Unicorns are fine mythical beasts.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54They don't have that kind of shit to worry about.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56So he was going to kill himself.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58When his eye fell upon a... Not you.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01His eye fell upon a...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Viagra!- Viagra.
0:20:04 > 0:20:10And when he took it, his horn grew to ten times its normal size
0:20:10 > 0:20:12and suddenly he was king of the unicorns
0:20:12 > 0:20:16and he lived happily ever after. The end. Thank you very much.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Monkey, enough of that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- OK.- Thank you very much. - Right, you're done now.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- What, so soon?- Yeah, you're fine. What are you doing?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- What is that? - What do you mean?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30You stuck my hand to the bloody thing. What is it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- I'm sorry.- It's Velcro, isn't it?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Look at that.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Come off, the little hand. Come on.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Just pull it. - Oh, it's dragging. Oh, look at that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Oh, catching fluff as it goes.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48OK, I'm just going to move that out the way.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Nina, there's a label on my arse.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Yes, I know. Don't worry about it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It says "Made in Taiwan".
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Doesn't matter. - And yet I sound like Sean Connery.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- I don't think you do. - I think he's my dad.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03How could Sean Connery be your dad?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I don't know. Maybe he got amorous with another glove.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08For heaven's sake.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Right, there we are.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12So you're finished. Anything you want to do?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Who's next?- Next up is Owl.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Oh, good luck, guys. He's dire.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- He's not dire.- Yes, he is.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22No, it's not true. The last audience really enjoyed his poetry.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23For the first hour they did.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- It's not true. - And then they all left,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30except for one lady who stayed...
0:21:32 > 0:21:33..cos she was dead!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Say goodnight, Monkey. - Goodnight, thank you very much.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Thank you.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48So next up, we have Owl, and Owl is a different sort of beast.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52He lends a different tone to the evening,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- so please give it up for Owl.- Hello!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Hello, isn't this exciting? What a hoot.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Ha-ha!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, isn't it divine?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Yes, it's very nice here. So what are you going to do?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- I'm going to do a poem. - Excellent. What's it about?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12It's about Sydney.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Perfect.- Yes, I've been walking the streets
0:22:15 > 0:22:17and soaking up the atmosphere,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21looking at the locals and the cafes and the harbour,
0:22:21 > 0:22:26and getting a gist of the "je ne sais quoi" that is uniquely Sydney.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- Right.- And I've written a verse or two. I hope you'll indulge me.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Well, we'd love to hear it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You've heard it. It's the one I used in Melbourne.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Owl, they're completely different places!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Nina, I can't trot out poetry every time you've got a gig.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48I'm an artist. I need the right conditions to create.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Well, what do you need? - You know, a high perch,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54classical music, literature.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I could give you a dead mouse.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59That'll do.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01OK. So if I give you a dead mouse,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04have you got a poem that'll work for here?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Yes, I've got one that'll work for anywhere.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- OK, good.- Can you get it? It's in my t'lon.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Is this it?- Yes.- Your t'lons?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15My t'lons.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Your talons?- T'lons.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20I can't get it. Can you let go?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22No, physically it's tricky.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25OK. Oh, dear, you've really screwed it up.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Already? Shall I go?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30No, I mean how am I going to read this writing?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Sorry, it's my t'lons.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- How will we do it, Owl? - A line each.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- OK.- With feeling.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41It's called A Poem For Anywhere.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43See, it'll work for anywhere.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45OK, fine. And it's by Leonard.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That's me.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You all thought I was a lady, didn't you?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Well, I'm sexually ambivalent, as it happens.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I like Anthony Callea. Is that wrong?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03OK, A Poem For Anywhere.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08- It's a wonderful rare privilege... - To be here in "name of city"
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- The people here are friendly... - And the sea/river is pretty.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- We love your weather... - It is sunny and hot.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Except on those occasions... - When it's not.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- This is our favourite place... - It gives us much good cheer.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It's much, much, much, much better than...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Insert name of rival town here.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you very much.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- OK.- Oh, I do like her.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Who?- The one right in front of me.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Oh, do you work for a living? - I do.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- What do you do, darling? - I work at a call centre.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- At a call centre.- Isn't that every girl's hope and dream?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, I'll stalk you there.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I'll hover over your work day and night
0:24:59 > 0:25:01and when you finally come out I'll shit on your head.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Why would you do that?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, I don't know. Love makes fools of us all.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- What did you say?- It's good luck.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- It's good luck. - I don't know what that means.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Being shit on by a bird.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Oh, yeah, to get pooed on by a bird. It's good luck.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Oh, well, good. I'll do it lots, then.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Well, I'm going to end on a poem.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22All right, fine.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- It's serious.- Oh, bloody hell.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26This world of ours is changing
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Pollution is worse and the war is raging
0:25:29 > 0:25:32All we want is money and fame
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Who cares for the sick, the dying and the lame?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38The earth is dying of global warming
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Will anyone listen to my warning?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44But it gives me great solace as I lie in bed
0:25:44 > 0:25:47To think, "Oh, well, at least Michael Jackson's dead."
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Oh, my God, that's awful!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- What's wrong?- No, no, no, that's not good.- They liked it.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55They didn't like it. They reacted with shock.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57No, I was trying to be edgy.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00It doesn't suit you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Oh, am I in disgrace?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Yes, you are.- Oh, woe is me.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Back in there?- Yes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- What a hoot.- OK, say goodnight. - Goodnight, thank you very much.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11APPLAUSE
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Thank you very much.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21And now it is a great pleasure to introduce you all to my granny.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Who I keep in a sports bag.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28All right, Gran.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Oh, she's based on my actual own granny who lived in Edinburgh.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36- Gran?- Yes, dear?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Coming out? - Right you are, dear.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Come on, get your head up.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Oh, that's lovely, dear!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Oh, fresh air.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- Yes, let's get you out.- Oh, lovely.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- There's your arm.- One arm. Terrific.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Have I got another? - Yes, it's here.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Lovely. On Nina, the elbow bends the other way, dear.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Sorry.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05OK. Oh, look, I've got a finger that points.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Hello! Where am I pointing, dear?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Wee dirty mark on the stage, dear.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15OK, let's get your legs out. There's one.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Oh, lovely. Is that the left or the right?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- I don't know.- Oh, the anticipation!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- OK, here we go.- Oh, it's the right. Lovely. Two legs.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Happy days, dear. Happy days.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30So I'm going to let the bag fall.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- Right you are, dear. - Just let it go.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Yes, glad to be alive, dear.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- Just let it go. - Happy days. Oh.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- Well, that's a terrible feeling. - What?
0:27:39 > 0:27:44When something falls out your backside. Oh, dear.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46OK, so you happy now?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50- Yes, very comfortable. Who are you? - I'm Nina.
0:27:50 > 0:27:56She follows me everywhere! Whenever I'm here, you're here, dear.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Yes. Well, never mind. There's a reason for that.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02So, who have we got here? Has Monkey humiliated the front row?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Oh, you know. Maybe a little bit.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- I like that man there. That one. - Which one?
0:28:08 > 0:28:09He's got his hands together.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- What's your name, dear, in the front- row? Michael.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Michael is his name.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Oh, I love him. You're my idea of heaven.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Michael, would you join me on the stage for a minute?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- Come on, dear. - He says no, he doesn't want to.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- No.- No, he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- That's fine.- I'll have to choose someone else.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Who have we got down here? You with the beard. I like you.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33- What's your name?- Chris.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Chris is his name. Oh, you were looking at two.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Use the finger, dear.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45You, dear. Would you join me on the stage, Chris?
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- OK.- Give a round of applause for Chris, thank you.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Oh, you're up here. Excellent, dear.
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Thank you so much.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Now, would you stand on the other side of me?
0:28:55 > 0:29:00That's nice and symmetrical, see. No sense of stagecraft at all.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03What do you do, dear?
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- I'm a dance instructor. - He's a dance instructor.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Oh, I heard that from inside the bag. That's lovely.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Oh, aren't you lovely? You're not wearing your spandex tonight?
0:29:12 > 0:29:16No, a day off from the spandex. That's excellent.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19So, ah, you remind me of my late husband.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- I do? The beard? - Is it the beard?
0:29:22 > 0:29:25No, it's the look of well-meaning reluctance that you've got,
0:29:25 > 0:29:30that my husband wore for most of our marriage.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Well, I wouldn't say he looks reluctant.
0:29:33 > 0:29:34No, you look lovely,
0:29:34 > 0:29:38and I'm so grateful for you joining me on stage, dear.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41I love the leather. Is it real? No? Is it?
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Yes. And the jumper, you don't need to iron it, do you?
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Excellent. Right now, if it's OK with you, dear,
0:29:47 > 0:29:51I'd like to channel my late husband through you.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55- Is that all right? - Great. Excellent.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56- OK. So... - How do we do it?
0:29:56 > 0:30:01- I have to summon him up.- He's here? - He's always here, dear.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Tell us a little about him. What was his name?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05- Frank.- Frank, and what was he?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07- A comedian, dear.- OK. What did he do?
0:30:07 > 0:30:11Jokes, dear. Jokes. Not like you, dear.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16Lots of very topical jokes all about the war,
0:30:16 > 0:30:18and then, sadly, the war ended.
0:30:21 > 0:30:22But you don't have to tell jokes.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I'm just going to channel him through you.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26OK, so how is this going to work?
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Frank? Frank?
0:30:30 > 0:30:36I'd like you to enter this gentleman here, in any manner you see fit.
0:30:37 > 0:30:42On the count of three. One, two, three, shoo!
0:30:42 > 0:30:45Oh, did something happen?
0:30:46 > 0:30:49- I feel a bit weird. - He feels a bit weird.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Oh, that's... Is that a usual state for you to be in?
0:30:52 > 0:30:55- No.- No? OK, good. - Excellent. I think he's in.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57He slips in like a thief in the night.
0:30:59 > 0:31:00OK, so...
0:31:02 > 0:31:08I'll ask a couple of questions to verify that Frank is in you, OK?
0:31:08 > 0:31:11These are questions that only Frank knows the answers to,
0:31:11 > 0:31:14and the first thing that comes into your head,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17that is Frank talking through you. Is that OK?
0:31:17 > 0:31:19- OK.- Go ahead then, Gran.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22What is my maiden name, Frank?
0:31:27 > 0:31:29Just the first thing that comes in. The first thing.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32- White.- That's right. White.
0:31:32 > 0:31:33Is that right?
0:31:33 > 0:31:37Yes, that was my maiden name. Excellent, dear, that's wonderful.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41It's quite a common name, so perhaps you were bluffing.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45I'll ask another question. You've got a tattoo, Frank.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- What's that of?- An anchor.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- An anchor.- It's true indeed.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Frank had an anchor just plunging down towards
0:31:53 > 0:31:56the crack of his backside.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02A determined-looking thing it was. Heavy, too.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Right. So do we know that Frank's here?
0:32:05 > 0:32:08We know that Frank is here. And now can you just tell me,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10where did you put the key to the spare room, dear?
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Because I haven't seen the cat for months.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- Where is it, dear? - I think I put it in the teapot.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21He thinks he put it in the teapot.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Well, that... I know it's you now
0:32:23 > 0:32:26because that's a stupid place to put it.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29That sounds exactly like you, Frank, you halfwit.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32OK, thank you so much. That seemed to work rather well.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Right, now I know that Frank is here, I'd like to show you all
0:32:36 > 0:32:40that Frank and I have got telepathic communication.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43- Right. How do we do that? - Get the...
0:32:43 > 0:32:44What?
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Will you get the blindfold, dear?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Yes. OK, I'm going to have to bend down.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Oh, no. Oh, no, dear.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Help me. Oh, heaven's above.
0:32:55 > 0:33:00- Are you all right?- Oh, I got to know myself very well then.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03OK, so I've got...
0:33:03 > 0:33:05You're doing so well, dear. I love you, dear.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08So, what do I do? Explain to everyone what you want.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Nina's going to put the blindfold on me,
0:33:12 > 0:33:15then you're going to hold up a certain amount of fingers...
0:33:15 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:22..and I'll tell you all how many he's holding up.
0:33:24 > 0:33:25Right.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Telepathically.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31OK, it's going on.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- Oh, I can still see a wee bit, dear. - And there, is that good?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Yes, that's good. Oh, dark as death itself, dear.
0:33:39 > 0:33:45- Happy days. - OK, so you...you can't see?
0:33:45 > 0:33:50No, but I saw you then. OK, get him to do the thing with the finger.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Can you hold up your fingers so everyone can see?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57- He's doing it now. - Is he doing it? Can everyone see?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Has he done it to all the sides?
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I think that everyone can see.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Was it...four?
0:34:05 > 0:34:06APPLAUSE
0:34:06 > 0:34:09- Amazing.- Thank you. Thank you.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11We'll take it off.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Every time, a success!
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Never once have I failed, dear.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22- OK, now, Nina, it's your turn. - No, no, I can't do that.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25- Go on, dear. - But, Gran, I'm not telepathic.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Well, I am. I'll help you out, dear.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30- OK.- What's that noise, dear?
0:34:30 > 0:34:33I don't know. I think somebody's opening some sweets or something.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Oh, you know you're really rocking the gig
0:34:35 > 0:34:37when you can hear someone opening some sweets, dear.
0:34:37 > 0:34:42Enjoy them, dear. I'd love one, but I've got no teeth.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47So, I'm going to put this on. This isn't going to work at all.
0:34:47 > 0:34:48Go on, dear. Hurry up.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52I've got a horrible feeling that once
0:34:52 > 0:34:56I put this on you're not going to be telepathic any more.
0:34:56 > 0:35:01All right, now, dear, over there, there is a notepad and a pen.
0:35:01 > 0:35:02Can you get that for me, dear?
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Is he getting it?
0:35:04 > 0:35:05I've no idea.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11He says he's got it. He's got it.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Oh, that's nice verbal communication, dear.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18Excellent. I wasn't sure you were even still on the stage.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21OK, so now what?
0:35:21 > 0:35:25Now I'd like you to write a wee word on that notepad.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Any word from your mind. Anything at all.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Doesn't have to be dance related.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34Pirouette or shimmy, or...
0:35:34 > 0:35:38As long as it's large so that everyone can see.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41- Is he doing it?- Let's hope so, dear.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43- Are you doing it?- Yeah.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Can I see, dear? Can you show me, dear?
0:35:46 > 0:35:47Nina, look away.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49What's the point?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51- Are you showing it to me, dear?- Yes.
0:35:51 > 0:35:52Yes!
0:35:52 > 0:35:57- He's showing it to you. OK. - Show everyone so they can all see.
0:35:57 > 0:35:58LAUGHTER
0:36:01 > 0:36:05They laughed when they saw it, dear. That's a clue.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- Well, I don't know. - OK, dear, tell them what it says.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- I don't know, Gran. - Just give it a guess.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14"Toaster"?
0:36:16 > 0:36:21Oh, maybe. No, no, judging from that woman, no, it wasn't right.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23OK, give another guess.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25Um, "unicorn"?!
0:36:25 > 0:36:29No, I don't think so, dear. Just go through all the words you know.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34We'll get it by a process of elimination.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36No, Gran, this is hopeless.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Ach! Oh, dear. Show it to me again.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Ach, I'm none the wiser, dear.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44We could be here for ever.
0:36:44 > 0:36:49- Ach, you stupid arse.- What? - "Arse", dear. It's "arse".
0:36:49 > 0:36:52- Is it?- Yes, take it off. I said it. It's "arse".
0:36:52 > 0:36:55- Was it?- Yes.- Was it?
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Yes, it was, dear.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02Well done. Thank you so much. Was your name Chris?
0:37:02 > 0:37:07Oh, that... that was interesting. He shook my hand and I shook my head.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Nina got a little confused then, didn't you, dear?
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Thank you so much, Chris.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19You can drop that and take a bow, and let's hear it for Chris.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- APPLAUSE - Well done, dear. Well done.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Well done. Thank you so much.
0:37:25 > 0:37:30- OK, Gran.- Right now I'd like to phone a hotel in Adelaide.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Can you get the phone call on the way?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Yes, well, I'll explain what you're going to do.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37We're going to Adelaide, you know, just for fun.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Just for kicks, not for shows.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41And I'm going to phone my wee hotel
0:37:41 > 0:37:44to make sure they have my specifications.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Are you phoning them, dear?
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Oh, here we go, here's the dial tone. This is a live phone call.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53You don't have to tell them that, dear.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56It's obvious from the symbolic nature of the thing.
0:37:57 > 0:38:02Listen to the dialling. It's like a chimpanzee with a phone.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Yeah, it's ringing now.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09'Good evening.'
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Did you say hello dear?
0:38:11 > 0:38:12'Hello?'
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Oh, hello. Are you a hotel?
0:38:14 > 0:38:16- 'Yes.'- Can you hear me OK?
0:38:16 > 0:38:18'Yes, yes, I can.'
0:38:18 > 0:38:22OK. Now listen, dear, you sound like a wee mouse. I love you, dear.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26I just want to know, when I come to your hotel,
0:38:26 > 0:38:28will someone help me get out the bag?
0:38:29 > 0:38:32'Sorry, what would you like? I can't hear.'
0:38:32 > 0:38:34I want to know, if I come to your hotel,
0:38:34 > 0:38:38can someone help me get out the bag?
0:38:38 > 0:38:39'Get a what, sorry?'
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Oh, this is going well.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Can someone help me get out the bag?
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- 'Oh, get out the bag.' - Yes, dear. Yes.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51'No... But we do have a lift for you.'
0:38:51 > 0:38:52A lift?
0:38:52 > 0:38:55'Or we can put you on the ground floor.'
0:38:55 > 0:38:58- You could put me on the ground floor, dear?- 'Yes.'
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Yes, but inside the bag I won't have much fun.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06Ach, never mind. It's OK, dear. Do you have room service, dear?
0:39:06 > 0:39:08'Yes, we do. When are you looking for?'
0:39:08 > 0:39:12When? Er, well, I don't know when I'll be hungry yet, dear.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I'm not there. I'm not there yet, dear.
0:39:15 > 0:39:21Actually, I don't really eat a thing. It's messy when I eat.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24'So, if you seriously want to make a booking, I can help you.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27'If you're playing on the phone, we've got the record here.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31'I can hear. We've got a record for the phone.'
0:39:32 > 0:39:34What the hell's wrong with her?
0:39:34 > 0:39:36I don't know if you should ...
0:39:36 > 0:39:37I couldn't understand that, dear.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- HOTEL RECEPTIONIST HANGS UP - Oh, no!
0:39:40 > 0:39:43Oh, Gran, you were too stupid.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47I wasn't stupid, dear. I couldn't hear what she was saying, dear.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- Do another one.- Really? - Get another one.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55- No, Gran, that's enough. - No, I'm going to get another one.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Have you got another one?
0:39:57 > 0:39:59- DIALLING TONE - Oh, yeah, clearly.
0:40:01 > 0:40:07I'll wait till I get a nice hotel. Frank always said make them wait.
0:40:07 > 0:40:11- Was that his comedy rule?- Yes. I don't think he meant this long.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Phone call number two.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Oh, it's ringing. Happy days.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Glad to be alive.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26'Thank you for calling the Mercure Adelaide.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27'This is Gab. How may I help you?'
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Oh, I just want to know a couple of things, dear.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Have you got room service in your hotel?
0:40:31 > 0:40:34- 'Yes, we do.' - Oh, excellent. That's lovely.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37I don't eat, but I'll just spread it all over myself.
0:40:37 > 0:40:41- Have you got a minibar?- 'Sorry?' - A minibar, dear, in the room.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43- 'Yes, we have.'- Oh, hooray!
0:40:43 > 0:40:46Do you think it's large enough for me to fit in?
0:40:46 > 0:40:50- 'Yes, it is.'- Oh, that's lovely! You're very amenable, dear.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54And are you anywhere near the beach, dear?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56'No, unfortunately we are not.'
0:40:56 > 0:40:59- Not near the beach. - No. Well, that's a good thing.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02The sand goes in a wee hole in my back
0:41:02 > 0:41:05and it never comes out, you see. It's a real pest.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Have you got any shoe polish in the rooms?
0:41:10 > 0:41:12- RECEPTIONIST HANGS UP - Don't go! Don't go, dear!
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Oh, hell's bells.
0:41:16 > 0:41:17Oh, no.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Get another one, dear.
0:41:23 > 0:41:28I'm enjoying it. It's only going mildly successfully
0:41:28 > 0:41:31but it's the best fun I've had all night.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34No, call it quits. That was two. You get two. That's it. That's it.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38OK, dear. Well, can I hypnotise you, dear?
0:41:38 > 0:41:40- Why?- Hypnotise you, dear. It's fun.
0:41:40 > 0:41:46- Is it dangerous?- No, it's easy. I saw it on YouTube.- OK.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48You need to sit down and we'll get the stool.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51All right, I have to carry you while I get the stool.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Oh, this is the cruel irony of time.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58I remember when I used to carry you, Nina.
0:41:58 > 0:41:59Yes, well, there we are.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Is it safe carrying me in those shoes?
0:42:02 > 0:42:04- Yes, it is.- Shoes of a whore.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06OK...
0:42:08 > 0:42:13- What do I do?- Focus on something that you find relaxing, dear.- OK.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16Not the exit.
0:42:16 > 0:42:17No, I'm just looking ahead.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19OK. So what do I have to do?
0:42:19 > 0:42:22- Empty your mind, dear, and listen to my words.- OK.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26I'm going to count from three to one.
0:42:26 > 0:42:32- And when I get to one, you'll be asleep.- OK. Nervous!
0:42:32 > 0:42:37Three. You are suddenly feeling quite tired.
0:42:37 > 0:42:42- Right.- Two. Your eyes are beginning to close.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Let them close.
0:42:44 > 0:42:49One. You are now in a deep level of trance.
0:43:46 > 0:43:47Oh!
0:43:49 > 0:43:54- What happened? - I couldn't say a word, dear.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56I hadn't thought it through.
0:44:00 > 0:44:01Oh, Granny.
0:44:01 > 0:44:04- Just get me back in the bag, dear. - OK.- Just bundle me in.
0:44:04 > 0:44:09- All right.- Don't stand on ceremony. - All right.
0:44:09 > 0:44:13- I don't want to be a burden to you, dear.- You wouldn't be.
0:44:13 > 0:44:17You can just take me to that nice place in Switzerland, dear.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20- What?- Call Dr Nitschke any time.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Never would, Gran. Never would.
0:44:23 > 0:44:27- Are you comfortable?- Oh, yes, very comfortable. Happy days, dear.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30- OK. Are you warm enough? - Yes, warm as toast.
0:44:30 > 0:44:34- OK.- I've got a wee secret to tell you all.- What's that?
0:44:34 > 0:44:38Underneath this dress I'm actually Robin Williams.
0:44:40 > 0:44:41Are you all right?
0:44:41 > 0:44:44Yes. I'm worried I'm going to catch my nose on the zip.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46Oh, OK. Can you fold your nose?
0:44:46 > 0:44:49Indeed I can, dear! Watch this.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Thank you very much. That was Granny.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Thank you very much!
0:44:59 > 0:45:04So, erm, my next puppet... I'll tidy up slightly here.
0:45:04 > 0:45:08My next puppet I actually bought from another ventriloquist.
0:45:08 > 0:45:10And that's a strange dynamic, you know.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13I don't know anything about her history
0:45:13 > 0:45:15and she gives me quite a hard time,
0:45:15 > 0:45:21but please give a very warm welcome to...Lydia.
0:45:21 > 0:45:23- AMERICAN ACCENT: - Hello, hello. Get rid of this.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26- Nina, let me out.- OK. You all right?- Yeah. Whoa!
0:45:26 > 0:45:31Oh, look, I landed side-saddle, like I'm going to take a dump.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34Get that leg over here. This is not demure.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Whoa, there we go. OK, now...
0:45:36 > 0:45:40- Are you comfortable? - Yeah, nearly there. Let's see.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42Who we got here?
0:45:43 > 0:45:47- Oh, shit.- OK.- I don't like it. - What's not right?
0:45:47 > 0:45:49I hate the voice.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52- You hate the voice?- Yeah, I hate the voice.- What's wrong with it?
0:45:52 > 0:45:55I don't like the accent, I don't like the tone,
0:45:55 > 0:45:56I don't like the intonation,
0:45:56 > 0:46:01the way you make me list things with the hand gesture. It's a cliche.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05- Well, what do you want?- Can you do other accents? Other voices?
0:46:05 > 0:46:08- Well, one or two.- Can you do French? - Let's have a go.
0:46:08 > 0:46:10- SULTRY FRENCH ACCENT: - OK, Nina, let's see
0:46:10 > 0:46:13if this is really French.
0:46:13 > 0:46:17Yes, it is not bad, cos I sound like an old man.
0:46:18 > 0:46:19- Can you do it higher?- Higher?
0:46:19 > 0:46:24- VOICE GOES HIGHER: - Higher, Nina. Higher still. Higher.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27VOICE BECOMES A SCREECH
0:46:27 > 0:46:29Aaah!
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Aaaaah!
0:46:31 > 0:46:34- VERY HIGH: - This is more like it.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38Sexy like a kitten.
0:46:38 > 0:46:41- It doesn't suit you.- Why not? - It's too young.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44- Ow!- You flinched before I hit ya.
0:46:46 > 0:46:50It was almost like she knew what was coming.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54- My last ventriloquist never anticipated a hit.- I'm so sorry.
0:46:54 > 0:46:57And he used to fly me in on a velvet trapeze.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00- It was fucking hilarious.- All right. - What else you got?
0:47:00 > 0:47:03Um, ah, you could try South African.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05- SOUTH AFRICAN: - OK, let's see what that is like.
0:47:05 > 0:47:10- No, don't like it. No, Nina, it is not nice.- It's fine.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13No, Nina, I don't like it. I told you not to, and you continue.
0:47:13 > 0:47:14Please, I don't like it.
0:47:16 > 0:47:17Something else.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19Something else, honey.
0:47:19 > 0:47:23OK, er, what about Birmingham? British Birmingham?
0:47:23 > 0:47:26- BRUMMIE: - No, I couldn't live like that.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31No, that's depressing. No, I don't like it.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34OK, so...
0:47:34 > 0:47:37Are you from there, sir?
0:47:37 > 0:47:41Yes. Oh, it's depressing, isn't it? Ah, forget it.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43OK, so what else do you want?
0:47:43 > 0:47:47I don't know. Shout out some accents. Let's make this work.
0:47:47 > 0:47:48- Australian! - Give it a go. Australian.
0:47:48 > 0:47:51- AUSSIE: - I don't think I can really do it
0:47:51 > 0:47:53without sounding like a parrot!
0:47:56 > 0:47:59No, that's not going to do, Nina. Shout 'em out. Keep 'em coming.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03- Jamaican!- Jamaican, Italian, Russian. OK, Jamaican.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05- JAMAICAN ACCENT: - Jamaican?
0:48:05 > 0:48:07- Really?- Jamaican?
0:48:07 > 0:48:10Can you say anything other than that?
0:48:10 > 0:48:12Jamaican.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15All right, OK. Russian?
0:48:15 > 0:48:17- RUSSIA: - Let's see if this is
0:48:17 > 0:48:19really, really Russian.
0:48:19 > 0:48:22Oh, you like these?
0:48:22 > 0:48:25These are real, and the rest of me is plastic.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28Any others? What was the other one?
0:48:28 > 0:48:29Italian, they said.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32- ITALIAN: - Nina, Nina, Nina.
0:48:32 > 0:48:36Nina Conti. You're Italian.
0:48:36 > 0:48:38- Well, yeah.- No, I'm not.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41- OK, fine.- Any others? What were the others?- What was that?
0:48:41 > 0:48:43- Canadian.- Canadian.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45Canadian? What's that?
0:48:47 > 0:48:51- Lydia, that's awful. - What else? What did you say?
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Oh, OK. German and Spanish. Do you want to do German?
0:48:54 > 0:48:57- GERMAN: - It would really have been something,
0:48:57 > 0:48:59Nina, if you had practised this section.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03OK. Indian, someone said over there, and Irish now.
0:49:03 > 0:49:06They're queuing up. OK, Indian?
0:49:06 > 0:49:08- INDIAN: - Every time I do Indian
0:49:08 > 0:49:10it sounds Welsh.
0:49:10 > 0:49:13What was the other one? Irish?
0:49:13 > 0:49:15- IRISH: - Oh, that's lovely and melodious.
0:49:15 > 0:49:18Unfortunately, it's boring as shite.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22- Any others?- Mexican.- Mexican.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24- MEXICAN: - I don't think I can really do it.
0:49:24 > 0:49:27- What did you say? What?- Kiwi.- Kiwi.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29I used that one when I did Australia.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33I don't know the fucking difference.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36- OK.- Any others?- Swedish.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38- Is that one of yours? - No, not really.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40Then it's not one of mine.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43- Cheating, Lydia.- Any others?
0:49:43 > 0:49:45PEOPLE SHOUT OUT
0:49:45 > 0:49:46Oh, I don't know. I can't hear.
0:49:46 > 0:49:48Chinese? You want to do that?
0:49:48 > 0:49:52- Is it OK to do Chinese? - Yeah, it's fine.- OK, I try it.
0:49:52 > 0:49:54- CHINESE ACCENT:- Um, it's quite...
0:49:54 > 0:49:58It's quite gentle. But...I don't think it's very accurate.
0:49:58 > 0:49:59OK!
0:49:59 > 0:50:03Have we got any others? Any heart-burning desires out there?
0:50:03 > 0:50:07- Welsh!- Welsh.- Every time I do Welsh it sounds Indian.
0:50:10 > 0:50:14OK, Nina, what about you do me, I do you. Swap voices.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17- Swap voices?- Yeah, go on, go on. Give it a go.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20- THEIR VOICES SWAP - OK, we can do it. - Oh, God, that's really weird.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23Oh, my God, I don't like what it does to me. It makes me kind of aggressive.
0:50:23 > 0:50:27- Yeah, and this is really dull. - Excuse me? Don't insult who I am. That's who I am.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30No, I'm just saying that you've got all these accents
0:50:30 > 0:50:32and yet you choose this one for you.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37So weird.
0:50:37 > 0:50:38Oh, thank you.
0:50:42 > 0:50:46My last ventriloquist, I was Hawaiian. It was fucking hilarious.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48I need a drink.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51- A drink?- Yeah, there's vodka over there. Can you go over there?
0:50:51 > 0:50:54OK. All right.
0:50:54 > 0:50:56And I need you to drink it for me.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59Nina's got to drink a lot in order for me to feel it.
0:51:00 > 0:51:03- Can you, erm...spread your legs? - Not for you, honey.
0:51:03 > 0:51:07Just a tiny bit, cos I want to put the glass there.
0:51:07 > 0:51:12I don't want them to get the full eyeful. Tuck that in.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14Not since the surgery.
0:51:14 > 0:51:16OK. I'm just going to...
0:51:19 > 0:51:24- OK. Now, don't knock that over.- OK, what do you want, a sample?- No, I...
0:51:24 > 0:51:27Lydia, I'm just going to pour the vodka in it, OK?
0:51:27 > 0:51:30- OK, be generous. - Well, just a little bit.
0:51:30 > 0:51:32- More than that. - I haven't even started.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35More than that, honey. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.
0:51:35 > 0:51:37- That's quite a large measure. - Drink it.
0:51:38 > 0:51:43- OK.- Drink it all down like a good little ventriloquist.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45OK... Well, you be quiet while I drink it.
0:51:45 > 0:51:47No, I'm not going to be quiet.
0:51:47 > 0:51:51I'm going to keep talking until you've drunk the whole goddamn thing right now.
0:51:51 > 0:51:52Keep going, Nina.
0:51:52 > 0:51:56- Oh, my God.- Did you do it? - Yeah, I did it.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58Holy shit, she did it! Look at that.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Can you feel it?
0:52:04 > 0:52:08Yeah, it's kickin' in. It's coming my way.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11Whoa! There, we're havin' fun now.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15# Life is a cabaret, old chum! #
0:52:15 > 0:52:18Now you can see it. Who wants it? Who wants it?
0:52:18 > 0:52:21- Who wants it?- Lydia, that's awful!
0:52:21 > 0:52:23Who wants it? I don't know who I am. Take it.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25Lydia, please.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27SNORING
0:52:27 > 0:52:28Lydia?
0:52:30 > 0:52:31Lydia's asleep.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35I miss my last ventriloquist.
0:52:35 > 0:52:37- Say goodnight. - Goodnight, schmucks.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39That was Lydia. Thank you.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Thank you very much.
0:52:45 > 0:52:49Now, I'm always on the lookout for the perfect puppet
0:52:49 > 0:52:52and I'm going to need a volunteer, but then I have a terrible feeling
0:52:52 > 0:52:55that none of you will volunteer, so I might pick on one of you.
0:52:55 > 0:52:59- I wonder, could I borrow you? What was your name again?- Anita.
0:52:59 > 0:53:02Anita. Thank you so much. Can we give it up for Anita?
0:53:02 > 0:53:05Thank you very much. Do you want to go round the stairs?
0:53:06 > 0:53:09Thank you, Anita. Keep coming, all the way over here.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12- What do you do? - I work at a call centre.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14You work at a call centre. Yes, we found that out.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17OK, I'm going to give you a tiny makeover.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20It's, uh...
0:53:22 > 0:53:24It's just...
0:53:26 > 0:53:29..going to change you very slightly.
0:53:29 > 0:53:30Are you comfortable?
0:53:30 > 0:53:33SILLY GIGGLY VOICE: Oh, yeah, lovin' it!
0:53:33 > 0:53:35HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER
0:53:35 > 0:53:36Oh, isn't this classic?
0:53:36 > 0:53:38OK. Is that going to fall off your head?
0:53:38 > 0:53:42I don't know. No, I don't think so. No, I think it's safe.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45- So, erm, are you... - Ha-ha-ha! What?
0:53:45 > 0:53:47- Are you...- Ha-ha!
0:53:47 > 0:53:48Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha!
0:53:48 > 0:53:51- You've got a funny laugh.- Ha-ha!
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Ha-ha-ha-ha...
0:53:53 > 0:53:54Oh, my days...
0:53:54 > 0:53:56Oh, dearie me.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59- That's all right.- Oh, dear. It's the drugs kicking in.
0:53:59 > 0:54:01SQUEALS WITH LAUGHTER
0:54:01 > 0:54:04Oh, dear. You're making me cry.
0:54:06 > 0:54:10Oh, dear. This is funny but it's so tragic, too.
0:54:10 > 0:54:14Oh, I'm loving it, loving it. It's liberating.
0:54:14 > 0:54:16- OK. So...- Ha-ha-ha!
0:54:16 > 0:54:19And you... You sound sort of English.
0:54:19 > 0:54:21Yes, I am English, yes, yes. Isn't that unusual?
0:54:21 > 0:54:24You picked the only English girl in the Australian audience.
0:54:24 > 0:54:28OK. Oh, dear. It's very lovely talking to you.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31- Yes, the tears are streaming down my face.- OK...
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:54:33 > 0:54:35- I'm going to divorce you. - No, she's not!
0:54:35 > 0:54:38Oh, dear, only joking. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:54:40 > 0:54:42OK. So you work in a call centre?
0:54:42 > 0:54:46Well, I call it that. It's actually, you know, sexual phone calls.
0:54:46 > 0:54:48Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:54:48 > 0:54:53Yes - "I'm feeling sexy for you now", that kind of thing, yes.
0:54:53 > 0:54:57"I'm taking my clothes off", yes. All that shit.
0:54:58 > 0:55:00Oh, dearie me, isn't that depressing?
0:55:00 > 0:55:02It's not depressing. It sounds great.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04"Yes, I've got my friend here.
0:55:04 > 0:55:08"She's coming round and she's taking her clothes off now, too."
0:55:08 > 0:55:11- Right, OK. I see. - "Yes, and we're both very horny for you", that kind of thing.
0:55:11 > 0:55:14Makes millions and millions of Australian dollars.
0:55:14 > 0:55:16Does it? Well, that's wonderful.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18I've had a lovely time tonight, Nina.
0:55:18 > 0:55:20Thank you very much.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22And I've got something to say to your next volunteer.
0:55:22 > 0:55:26- What's that?- When Nina asks you to join her on stage,
0:55:26 > 0:55:28you should do it cos it's the best fun I've ever had.
0:55:28 > 0:55:31Thank you very much!
0:55:31 > 0:55:33Thank you. You were such a sport.
0:55:33 > 0:55:36- Thank you. Tell me what your name was again?- Anita.
0:55:36 > 0:55:40Anita. Give it up for Anita, thank you. Amazing!
0:55:42 > 0:55:44Oh, dear me.
0:55:44 > 0:55:46How brilliant.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50Can I borrow you on the end?
0:55:50 > 0:55:52- What's your name?- Walter.
0:55:52 > 0:55:56Walter. Can we give it up for Walter? Thank you so much.
0:55:57 > 0:56:01It's so nice of you to get on stage when I ask you, cos I never would.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05This is the same kind of ...
0:56:05 > 0:56:07Actually would you stand on that side of me?
0:56:07 > 0:56:10I'm going to put this mask on you now.
0:56:10 > 0:56:12It's the same principle.
0:56:12 > 0:56:16It's just a Velcro strap. Right?
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Do you want to do the strap yourself, tighter?
0:56:19 > 0:56:23I don't know where your head ends. Is that good?
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Are you comfortable?
0:56:26 > 0:56:28BIG BOLD VOICE: Oh, yeah!
0:56:29 > 0:56:32- Oh, yeah, this is good!- OK...
0:56:32 > 0:56:35Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:56:35 > 0:56:38- You like it?- Yes, I'm loving it.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40- OK.- Oh, this is fantastic.
0:56:40 > 0:56:41OK, great.
0:56:41 > 0:56:45Yes, I'm going to be much better than your last volunteer.
0:56:45 > 0:56:49- Really?- Yes, cos I'm going to show you all my dance moves.
0:56:51 > 0:56:55Yes, I am! Oh, yeah.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57Oh, yes, I am.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm absolutely sure.
0:57:02 > 0:57:05- Oh, really?- Ya-ha-ha.
0:57:05 > 0:57:09All my life I've been... Pay no attention to the folded arms.
0:57:11 > 0:57:12You were saying?
0:57:12 > 0:57:15All my life I've been waiting for a moment like this.
0:57:17 > 0:57:20Yes, I think the world is ready to see my dancing.
0:57:23 > 0:57:24Oh, dear, OK. Well, you really...
0:57:24 > 0:57:29God, your body language suggests you might not want to dance.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31No, I really want to!
0:57:36 > 0:57:38I can't fucking wait!
0:57:40 > 0:57:42It's gonna be so mental.
0:57:42 > 0:57:44OK. Oh, dear me. I'm so sorry.
0:57:44 > 0:57:46Stop saying that. I'm loving it.
0:57:46 > 0:57:49OK... You don't have to dance if you don't want to.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52No, I do want to. I really do.
0:57:52 > 0:57:53OK, fine.
0:57:53 > 0:57:56Just pay no attention to the hands in my pocket.
0:57:57 > 0:57:59Ho-ho! They're coming out soon
0:57:59 > 0:58:02and it's gonna be the best thing I've ever done.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04Right, OK. Fine.
0:58:04 > 0:58:06Have you got some music?
0:58:06 > 0:58:09- Yes. Would that help? - It would help immensely.
0:58:11 > 0:58:13Hit the music! Hit it, hit it.
0:58:13 > 0:58:16LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC STARTS UP
0:58:17 > 0:58:20- Do you like this music? - Yes, this is perfect.
0:58:22 > 0:58:25It's absolutely perfect for what I've got in mind.
0:58:25 > 0:58:28- OK, brilliant. - Yes, yes, it's good.
0:58:28 > 0:58:30- OK, well, whenever you're ready. - Yes.
0:58:32 > 0:58:34I'll dance at the next, er, section.
0:58:35 > 0:58:37- OK, fine.- Yeah, it's just coming up.
0:58:38 > 0:58:40This bit coming, yeah. Here it comes.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44No, not this bit...
0:58:45 > 0:58:47It's the next bit I like.
0:58:47 > 0:58:49Oh, dear, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:58:49 > 0:58:53Don't be sorry, it's fine. I'm fine, I'm fine.
0:58:53 > 0:58:56I'm absolutely fucking fine.
0:58:56 > 0:58:59- Are you sure?- Yes, it's all coming, it's all coming.
0:58:59 > 0:59:01It's going to be liberating.
0:59:01 > 0:59:04- Really?- Yes, it's going to be an absolute and utter joy.
0:59:04 > 0:59:06Oh, dear me. God.
0:59:06 > 0:59:08How about I show you my left hand?
0:59:09 > 0:59:12- Your left hand? - Oh, there it is.
0:59:12 > 0:59:14- Is that your dancing? - Yes, it's kind of minimal.
0:59:16 > 0:59:20I've got my right hand here, check it out. There it is.
0:59:20 > 0:59:23- That's good. - Yeah, I'm getting the hang of it,
0:59:23 > 0:59:24- it's sort of dancing by numbers. - Yeah.
0:59:24 > 0:59:26Yes, here it is.
0:59:26 > 0:59:30- OK, well, that's lovely.- No, I've got something more up my sleeve.
0:59:30 > 0:59:35- You don't have to. - How about something a little more exciting, do you want to see...
0:59:35 > 0:59:36Oh, my God!
0:59:36 > 0:59:38WHOOPING
0:59:38 > 0:59:40Oh, that's good! Oh, you like this?
0:59:40 > 0:59:43That's amazing!
0:59:45 > 0:59:47Check it out! Check it out.
0:59:47 > 0:59:48Check it out.
0:59:48 > 0:59:49Oh, my God, that's brilliant!
0:59:49 > 0:59:51Thank you so much.
0:59:51 > 0:59:55That was absolutely amazing!
0:59:55 > 0:59:57- What's your name?- Walter.
0:59:57 > 1:00:00Give it up for Walter. You were fabulous.
1:00:00 > 1:00:04You can sit down. Oh, they love you. Thank you so much.
1:00:12 > 1:00:14- Oh, that was good.- That was good.
1:00:14 > 1:00:18I thought it wouldn't happen but you came good in the end.
1:00:18 > 1:00:23- Well done.- Well done, sir. I hope you don't live to regret it.
1:00:23 > 1:00:25He won't. It was wonderful.
1:00:25 > 1:00:27Oh, you really humiliate the audience, don't you, Nina?
1:00:27 > 1:00:30- No, I don't. It's all fun. - No, I think it's your turn.
1:00:30 > 1:00:34- What do you mean?- I think it's time someone controlled you.
1:00:34 > 1:00:38- Right, how's that going to work? - I'm going to control you.
1:00:38 > 1:00:42- How?- You're going to have to follow my instructions.
1:00:42 > 1:00:46- Right. OK...- We want to see you humiliated, don't we?
1:00:46 > 1:00:49- They do?! - Yes, they're on my side, bitch.
1:00:50 > 1:00:51OK, so what do I have to do?
1:00:51 > 1:00:54- Stick my hand up your dress. - No! That's stupid.
1:00:54 > 1:00:56There's another way.
1:00:56 > 1:01:01- For you to control me?- Yes. Follow my instructions.
1:01:01 > 1:01:03Get the bag.
1:01:05 > 1:01:06Why?
1:01:06 > 1:01:08Get in the bag.
1:01:10 > 1:01:12No, only joking. Put me in the bag.
1:01:12 > 1:01:16- Oh, but they'll miss you. - It's OK, I'll still be here.
1:01:16 > 1:01:18Cos she's shit without me.
1:01:18 > 1:01:20So what do I do now?
1:01:20 > 1:01:22Take your hand out of me.
1:01:23 > 1:01:27- All right.- Oh, it feels nice and nasty at the same time.
1:01:28 > 1:01:32- All right, it's out. What do I do now?- Take your hand out of the bag.
1:01:32 > 1:01:34Oh, no, Monkey, it's freakish.
1:01:34 > 1:01:36Go on, force yourself.
1:01:36 > 1:01:39I don't like it. I miss the Monkey.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42I AM the Monkey, you schizophrenic bitch.
1:01:42 > 1:01:44We started the show this way. It's weird.
1:01:44 > 1:01:47- Talk to the hand.- No, I don't want to.- Put the bag down.
1:01:49 > 1:01:52Oh, dear, this is very exposing. What are you doing?
1:01:52 > 1:01:54I can't tell my arse from your elbow.
1:01:55 > 1:01:57Well, I don't see how this is controlling me.
1:01:57 > 1:02:03Well, put this hand down by your side...but I'm still here.
1:02:03 > 1:02:06- Well, where are you now? - I'm in your mind.
1:02:07 > 1:02:09OK, the laughter's got a little bit uneasy.
1:02:10 > 1:02:12It's OK, you'll still get paid.
1:02:14 > 1:02:16But what... What do I do now?
1:02:16 > 1:02:21- Are you ready for the final step? - I don't know. What's the final step?
1:02:21 > 1:02:23- I'm going to come on your face. - What do you mean?
1:02:23 > 1:02:27- Y-You don't mean it like that.- Here I come.- No, wait. Stay where you are.
1:02:27 > 1:02:30Here I come, here I come, here I am!
1:02:30 > 1:02:33SHE SPEAKS WITH MONKEY'S VOICE: Oh, at last I'm in the bitch!
1:02:35 > 1:02:37And, er...
1:02:37 > 1:02:40you're all a bit freaked out now, aren't you?
1:02:41 > 1:02:44It's quite a sweet voice on a little Monkey -
1:02:44 > 1:02:47but with tits, it's fucking sinister.
1:02:47 > 1:02:50Thank you very much. Goodnight.
1:02:50 > 1:02:52CHEERING
1:02:52 > 1:02:53Thank you!
1:02:55 > 1:02:57Thank you very much.
1:03:07 > 1:03:10Thank you!
1:03:12 > 1:03:15Thank you very much.
1:03:16 > 1:03:17Thank you.
1:03:47 > 1:03:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd