:00:12. > :00:16.This programme contains strong language and adult behaviour. I'm
:00:16. > :00:22.Russell Brand this is Give It Up Gig we are raising money to get
:00:22. > :00:27.people off drugs and booze. We will be here with Kasabian, Eddie Izzard,
:00:27. > :00:32.Noel Gallagher, John Bishop will be here. We are doing this because we
:00:32. > :00:40.wants to take your money to give to drug addicts. Not for them to buy
:00:40. > :00:44.drugs, to get them off drugs. To donate: your money will help people
:00:44. > :00:48.affected by drug and alcohol affected by drug and alcohol
:00:48. > :00:51.addiction right here in the UK. Texts cost �5 plus your standard
:00:51. > :00:59.network message. We can't do nothing about that standard network
:00:59. > :01:02.charge. That is standard. That is the network. The whole �5 goes to
:01:02. > :01:07.Comic Relief. For full terms and Comic Relief. For full terms and
:01:07. > :01:10.conditions go to: That has deal with a lot of admin. Let's have a
:01:10. > :01:19.wonderful evening of comedy and rock-and-roll, no drugs though.
:01:19. > :01:24.Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the genius
:01:24. > :01:34.behind Give It Up for Comic Relief, Wembley, give it up for Mr Russell
:01:34. > :01:41.
:01:41. > :01:44.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Give It Up for
:01:44. > :01:52.kr. Thank you for being here to support people with drug addiction
:01:52. > :01:56.and alcohol issues. Very generous of you. Thank you. You will have an
:01:56. > :02:00.amazing evening tonight. Remember, that all of the performers here,
:02:00. > :02:07.they are doing it for nothing. No money they are getting. I know
:02:07. > :02:11.you've paid. That is good, isn't it? Bear that in mind. We have
:02:11. > :02:16.amazing performance tonight. Simon Amstell will be performing. I just
:02:16. > :02:20.saw him. Noel Fielding will be here. I will come down here and menace
:02:20. > :02:25.someone. Who has their phone switched on so I can demonstrate
:02:25. > :02:29.the manner in which we can give. This lady right at the front. Come
:02:29. > :02:33.here, darling. What is your name? Bearing in mind, this is on the BBC,
:02:33. > :02:38.I'm playing with someone's phone, we are already deep into risky
:02:38. > :02:43.territory. Do you mind... This is to demonstrate how to do this. You
:02:43. > :02:47.are a viewer at home. You are living your life. Your life is
:02:47. > :02:52.affected by alcohol, drugs and addiction. Perhaps you are watching
:02:52. > :02:58.this in a frenzy of cocaine. I know that here at Wembley most people
:02:58. > :03:04.are on crystal meth right now. We have to get these people clean. We
:03:04. > :03:10.have to do something. What is your name again? Sara. I forgot I'm so
:03:10. > :03:19.high. I can't remember a person's name for a matter of seconds. We
:03:19. > :03:24.would type a 7000 5. How do you do it? I'm out of my depth. Send.
:03:24. > :03:30.She's done it. That is �5. A round of applause for Sara. Sit down,
:03:30. > :03:34.darling. The first of our many fantastics acts, giving her time
:03:34. > :03:36.freely to benefit people less fortunate than herself is the
:03:36. > :03:46.gifted and beautiful Jessie J everyone.
:03:46. > :03:46.
:03:46. > :08:39.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 293 seconds
:08:39. > :08:47.$:/STARTFEED. The one thing that I cannot give up? Reality TV.
:08:47. > :08:57.Celebrity Big Brother. I like blinking me. That was it. It got me.
:08:57. > :09:08.
:09:08. > :09:18.I think my wife contemplating being in the Beverley Housewives of...
:09:18. > :09:33.
:09:33. > :09:40.Will I ever be able to give reality Are you having a lovely evening so
:09:40. > :09:43.far? YES! It's spectacular, isn't it? This is a change of pace for
:09:43. > :09:48.the evening. Do you remember when you were at school you would have a
:09:48. > :09:51.police officer come with a little container with different drugs in
:09:51. > :09:55.it to advise you against ever taking drugs, but you would
:09:55. > :10:00.actually think, "I can't wait to do that one, I can't wait to do that
:10:00. > :10:06.one. That look as good one, tell us more about heroin?" We are doing a
:10:06. > :10:09.version of that now. It's a different tone for the evening. We
:10:09. > :10:14.wanted a component of information. This will be serious. Please
:10:14. > :10:17.welcome an official from the New York City Police Department. This
:10:17. > :10:27.is a genuine police officer with genuine drug information that I
:10:27. > :10:42.
:10:42. > :10:50.think is going to help us all. Ladies and gentlemen, my names is
:10:50. > :10:54.Sergeant Raymond Boom Box I'm from the New York Police Department. Hey.
:10:54. > :11:00.Ladies and gentlemen, I am not a comedian, I'm not a singer. I am
:11:00. > :11:03.here to warn you of the dangers of drugs. I am here to give you a
:11:04. > :11:09.strong message. It's very easy, ladies and gentlemen, in the modern
:11:09. > :11:14.world to lose your way. You, lovely lady, you have a glass of wine with
:11:14. > :11:21.dinner maybe in a romantic setting, occasionally. You have lost your
:11:21. > :11:26.way! You sir, over there. You are having like four teas every day,
:11:26. > :11:29.maybe a lady grey after. You've lost your way, sir. You've lost
:11:29. > :11:36.your way. Ladies and gentlemen, if you feel you are losing wouraway on
:11:36. > :11:40.the path to addiction, what you need to do is get a role model. I'm
:11:40. > :11:45.Russell's role model. He comes to me - how can I be like you? You can
:11:45. > :11:53.never be like me. You get the point. My role model, ladies and gentlemen,
:11:53. > :12:02.is Bob Marley. Granted, not a great example of a role model in a
:12:02. > :12:07.function like this. It's a great man and a reggae legend I love his
:12:07. > :12:12.mysterious reggae beats. I would love to make a little song for you
:12:12. > :12:18.now. I've made a little song. I'm from the police force. I don't have
:12:18. > :12:23.talent like these other guys. I've made a song inspired by my role
:12:23. > :12:31.model, Bob Marley. We can do it here. It has a poignant message. Do
:12:31. > :12:34.you fancy doing it with me, ladies and gentlemen? OK. Hit it!
:12:34. > :12:37.# Don't do drugs # Yeah, can you feel it?
:12:37. > :12:41.# Don't do drugs # Yeah, come on
:12:41. > :12:45.# Don't do drugs # Let me hear you.
:12:45. > :12:47.# Don't do drugs. # You are getting it now, a bit
:12:47. > :12:51.louder # Don't do drugs.
:12:51. > :12:53.# Don't do drugs # Because they make you kind of
:12:53. > :12:57.boring # Don't do drugs
:12:57. > :13:02.# They use up all your cash # Don't do drugs
:13:02. > :13:06.# They make you slightly horn # You'll wind up in a bag
:13:06. > :13:11.# Don't do drugs # They make you a little bit clammy
:13:11. > :13:16.# Don't do drugs because they make you lose your way
:13:16. > :13:21.# Don't do drugs... # OK, stop it. As I said, I'm not a
:13:21. > :13:29.singer or a comedian, I ran out of lyrics there. You guys were great.
:13:30. > :13:34.Give yourselves a round of applause. APPLAUSE
:13:34. > :13:39.Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I have to introduce the next band now.
:13:39. > :13:47.You have been a lovely delightful crowd. I'd love to come in there
:13:47. > :13:51.and lick all your heads like chop- a-chop lollies. This band I do know
:13:51. > :13:59.them, I have followed their career like a hawk. They are great guys.
:13:59. > :14:09.They are like sons to me. They're wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen, I
:14:09. > :14:09.
:14:09. > :18:46.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 293 seconds
:18:46. > :18:50.know these guyss -- guys. Welcome That was really exciting, Kasabian.
:18:50. > :18:55.What we need now is I'm going to now bring to the stage a very
:18:55. > :19:00.brilliant comedian. I need you to sit down, prepare to listen because
:19:01. > :19:10.he's very insightful, he's very deep. Please welcome the
:19:11. > :19:30.
:19:30. > :19:35.APPLAUSE Hello. I knew Russell Brand when he
:19:35. > :19:42.was on drugs. And, I didn't know that he was on drugs. I just
:19:42. > :19:47.thought he was like a cool guy with a pipe. And I'm really quite
:19:47. > :19:53.pleased he's not on drugs any more because when we first met he was
:19:53. > :19:57.hosting a stand-up gig I was the first act on. To get the crowd
:19:57. > :20:03.warmed up he threw dead mice at them. He got into a fight with a
:20:03. > :20:11.large man in the front row. To avoid that man said, "please
:20:11. > :20:14.welcome Simon Amstell." Tonight isn't about blame. Today, tonight,
:20:14. > :20:20.it's all about getting people off drugs. I don't really know much
:20:20. > :20:26.about drug use. I don't know much about heroin, but I remember
:20:26. > :20:32.reading at school a book called To Kill A Mocking Bird. A character in
:20:32. > :20:35.that knew she was dying. She wanted to give up her addiction to
:20:35. > :20:39.morphine before that moment. I remember thinking - what a stupid
:20:39. > :20:44.thing to do. If I knew I had two months to live, one of the things I
:20:44. > :20:51.would take up would be morphine. I had it for an operation. It's like
:20:51. > :20:58.a hug from inside. It feels like love, but with none of the bother.
:20:58. > :21:08.You wouldn't give it up. You would say, double me the more fin and
:21:08. > :21:09.
:21:09. > :21:19.bring me atikissFinch. They have been going for 25 years, you know.
:21:19. > :21:27.They have raised �800 million. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:21:27. > :21:32.And yet, it isn't enough! Is it just that the problem of poverty is
:21:32. > :21:42.so complicated that just throwing money at it endlessly won't solve
:21:42. > :21:43.
:21:43. > :21:53.it? Well, yes, but do keep throwing your money text GIVE to 7005. Thank
:21:53. > :21:53.
:21:53. > :22:01.you very much. Have a good night. This evening continues to yield to
:22:01. > :22:09.us. Welcome the man who continues to be controversial, it's Jason
:22:09. > :22:14.Manford. Hello. Good evening. Lovely. Hello, Wembley. How are
:22:14. > :22:19.you? Good. What a pleasure to be here. Comic Relief I couldn't have
:22:19. > :22:23.picked a worse titled event to turn up at this week. God bless you. I
:22:23. > :22:27.brought my family tonight. My parents are here somewhere. It's
:22:27. > :22:31.Mother's Day of course on Sunday. That made sense, I thought a free
:22:31. > :22:37.trip out. Mother's Day sorted. Be careful where you go. I was walking
:22:37. > :22:42.down the high street a few days ago in the shop windows sthre the signs
:22:42. > :22:48.up, "don't forget Mother's Day" everyone has got them. All the card
:22:48. > :22:54.shops have them much I walked past Ann Summers, there is a poster in
:22:54. > :23:00.the window that says, "don't forget Mother's Day this Sunday" I felt
:23:00. > :23:09.like going in and saying, this is not a day for you! Nobody has come
:23:09. > :23:14.home and said, "mum, I got you some love balls." That has never
:23:14. > :23:18.happened. That is a weird shop. Down stairs someone will get hurt.
:23:18. > :23:22.My brothers are here. My brother is not the brightest. He will be the
:23:22. > :23:27.first to tell you. I played football with him a while ago, he
:23:27. > :23:31.brought a brand new pair of shin pads. He opened them up and looked
:23:32. > :23:38.disappointed. I said what is wrong with you, "one is a large and one
:23:38. > :23:41.is a regular" I said I think that is left or right. His wife is a
:23:41. > :23:46.primary school teacher. She works very hard. He is always moaning
:23:46. > :23:52.about stuff that is going on with the youth of today, like. He said,
:23:52. > :24:02.he come back one day and said, "have you heard what is going on at
:24:02. > :24:08.
:24:08. > :24:18.her school?" I said, "no" they have new thing called "sandwich
:24:18. > :24:20.
:24:20. > :24:26.punishment punishment." Six-year- olds are not getting proper
:24:26. > :24:33.bollockings any more. Imagine that during the London riots, "put that
:24:33. > :24:37.telly down" but, "it is the best range, good choice." I said, give
:24:37. > :24:44.me an example. You get the kid, you are good at colouring in, I will
:24:44. > :24:51.give you that. Then, you are a little shit. Then there is a pause
:24:51. > :24:55.and, your mum is quite fit, off you go. My brother came in and said,
:24:55. > :25:00.mum, dad, I'm going to Australia. He finished university, I'm out of
:25:00. > :25:06.here. My dad said why, what is wrong with Manchester? He said, I'm
:25:06. > :25:11.going to Australia, dad. I have to find myself. He said, you want to
:25:11. > :25:17.find yourself a job. He said, you can't stop me I'm going to
:25:17. > :25:21.Australia to find myself. What if you find yourself and he's a
:25:21. > :25:28.dickhead, what are you going to do again? That is one of my favourite
:25:28. > :25:31.words, dickhead. Not as good as knobhead. It's a proper northern
:25:31. > :25:36.word. They don't use it much in London. It's weird because there
:25:36. > :25:40.are lots of them here. APPLAUSE
:25:40. > :25:47.You have a brilliant line-up. Fantastic line-up. Are you having a
:25:47. > :25:52.good night so far? YES! I hope you will give it up for your next act.
:25:52. > :25:57.We will start a massive round of applause and build it up. That's
:25:57. > :26:05.what we should do. Let's start. Keep going. We have the Rizzle
:26:05. > :26:15.Kicks coming on very shortly. I've been Jason Manford, good night and
:26:15. > :26:15.
:26:15. > :29:48.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 293 seconds
:29:48. > :29:58.The line-up is absolutely ridiculous. Thank you. Thank you so
:29:58. > :30:01.
:30:01. > :30:07.much. �5, �5. Good evening. Are you enjoying your self-so far? -- your
:30:07. > :30:10.self so far? Weren't they beautiful? I want to talk to you
:30:10. > :30:16.about something which is really important to me. One of the reasons
:30:16. > :30:24.why Comic Relief and I wanted to do this concert is because when Amy
:30:24. > :30:31.Winehouse died, a year or so ago, God love her, I had. Very sad, of
:30:31. > :30:35.course. I had a realisation about the sadness and futility of her
:30:35. > :30:38.death. More importantingly than that, I realised the disease of
:30:38. > :30:42.addiction and alcoholism can be arrested with the correct treatment
:30:42. > :30:46.one day at a time. When I was drinking and using drugs there was
:30:46. > :30:51.something that weren't right about. It it made me a little unwell. I
:30:51. > :30:56.was doing it because I felt sad and lonely inside. I think Amy
:30:56. > :31:01.Winehouse was doing it for the same reason. I think that is why we lost
:31:01. > :31:04.them. The reason the performers are giving their time for few and
:31:04. > :31:09.entertaining us is because they believe in this cause. If the
:31:09. > :31:12.information is there, if we regard addiction, alcoholism not as a
:31:12. > :31:22.criminal issue, but as a health issue we can help more people to
:31:22. > :31:22.
:31:22. > :31:28.get better. All of the money raised by you tonight, both at home and
:31:28. > :31:32.present here, will go to the people that are affected by this condition.
:31:32. > :31:40.Amy Winehouse was a catalyst. Her death, while very sad, need not be
:31:40. > :31:44.in vain if we use it to raise awareness and money. The Amy
:31:44. > :31:51.Winehouse Foundation let us put together this tribute film. Please
:31:51. > :32:00.any of you here who have further resources of generosity please text
:32:00. > :32:06.70005 the word "give" we will get �5. Let's commemorate the wonderful
:32:06. > :32:13.life and genius of Amy Winehouse. Thank you very much. I can confirm
:32:13. > :32:22.that the the deceased is Amy Winehouse. Struggled with drink and
:32:22. > :32:25.drug problems. Well above the level that can be fatal. I was born in
:32:25. > :32:29.North London. Yeah, I'm a jazz singer. I thought everyone could
:32:29. > :32:34.sing. I didn't think it was that special, really. Then, I heard my
:32:34. > :32:40.mum sing one day and it became apparent that not everyone can sing.
:32:40. > :32:46.I just do what I love, you know. I'm lucky I have been able to do
:32:46. > :32:54.that. # Stroke my hand... #
:32:54. > :33:03.The winner of the Best British Female, Amy Winehouse! Thank you
:33:03. > :33:10.very much. I'm just glad my mum and dad are here, to be honest.
:33:10. > :33:14.# My tears dry on their own... # A truly amazing voice, Amy
:33:14. > :33:24.Winehouse. Amy Winehouse won five Grammy Awards. She dominated a show
:33:24. > :33:24.
:33:24. > :33:30.crowded with superstars. I want to go out and have fun. I ain't
:33:30. > :33:36.bothered really. I'm enjoying myself. She is one of British
:33:36. > :33:40.music's brightest tall wepbts a reputation for hard-drinking --
:33:40. > :33:44.talents with a reputation of hard- drinking. There wasn't anything
:33:44. > :33:49.that would have told us this was going to happen. The singer, Amy
:33:49. > :33:53.Winehouse, has been arrested and is being questioned on suspicion of
:33:53. > :33:57.drug offences. Dogged by rumours of drug and alcohol abuse. She was
:33:57. > :34:01.booed off stage in Birmingham after what was described as a shambolic
:34:01. > :34:06.performance. She has been forced to cancel more gigs after she was
:34:06. > :34:09.treated in hospital for severe exhaustion. She would say to me, I
:34:09. > :34:16.will always tell you the truth dad. If you don't want to know, don't
:34:16. > :34:26.skfplt I would ask about the drugs. I asked her about the drugs and the
:34:26. > :34:26.
:34:27. > :34:32.drinking which she was conkering -- conquering. Amy was about one thing,
:34:32. > :34:36.that was love. We are devastated. I'm speechless. An inquest heard
:34:36. > :34:42.she died after drinking a large quantity of alcohol. Well above the
:34:42. > :34:46.level that can be fatal. Those who lived with the ups and downs and
:34:46. > :34:56.successes and addictions. I was drinking a lot. Having a good time.
:34:56. > :35:11.
:35:11. > :35:21.I was just doing one destructive Your money will help people with
:35:21. > :35:30.
:35:30. > :35:34.drug and alcohol addiction here in That was a wonderful film about Amy,
:35:34. > :35:40.wasn't it? Whilst it is very sad to recall those events, the feeling it
:35:40. > :35:44.gives you in your tummy we can convert that into postivity by not
:35:44. > :35:52.feeling apathy or leather gi, but it's something that we can
:35:52. > :35:56.effectively amend with our own conduct. Text the word "give" to
:35:56. > :36:01.70005. What better way to transition the atmosphere from one
:36:01. > :36:04.of sombreness and sadness at the loss of a great genius than with
:36:04. > :36:14.the introduction of another one. Please, ladies and gentlemen,
:36:14. > :36:24.welcome to the stage, perhaps our greatest living stand-up comedian,
:36:24. > :36:30.
:36:30. > :36:39.Eddie Izzard. Wembley, Wembley, Wembley. Very
:36:39. > :36:42.good to be here. How to start? Ah... Human sacrifice. Now, human
:36:42. > :36:48.sacrifice we know we did it, we are not doing it now so much. We know
:36:48. > :36:53.we did it way back. We sacrificed our brothers and our sisters for
:36:53. > :36:59.Gods, we did it for Gods. We don't didn't do it not for Gods. People
:36:59. > :37:05.weren't going - I like spoons. I would like more spoons. Maybe if I
:37:05. > :37:12.kill Steve... I would get more spoons. I wish I did logic at
:37:12. > :37:19.school. Steve, are you busy? Taking the axe down the aqua park. Put
:37:19. > :37:29.your head on that tree stump. Why? To see if we can hear steam trains
:37:29. > :37:30.
:37:31. > :37:37.from the future. Just do it... Charles I. A line very rarely used
:37:37. > :37:40.in stand-up. He was the King of England. He was what we called a
:37:41. > :37:45.kickhead King. We cut his head off. He said he was appointed by God. We
:37:45. > :37:54.cut his head off, nothing happened. So, apparently, not. If he had been
:37:54. > :38:03.appointed by God his execution would have sounded like this. Bong,
:38:03. > :38:09.bong, bong. Hang on a minute. Dong, pong. I think he is appointed by
:38:09. > :38:13.God, lads. Charles I. He got his appointment by God. 450 years after
:38:13. > :38:22.the Magna Carter was signed. The beginnings of democracy in the
:38:22. > :38:30.world. Magna Carter signed in 1215, just before lunchtime. It is Latin
:38:30. > :38:36.for the big card. And the Barons of England they forced bad King, happy
:38:36. > :38:42.bifrt day all the Barons. I promise to give you some of my power. You
:38:42. > :38:50.will play the bad guy in the Robin Hood movies. Who is playing the
:38:50. > :38:56.good guy? Sean Connery. Who played Richard the Lion Heart. He was
:38:56. > :39:00.maybe the greatest English King that had been. The David Beckham of
:39:00. > :39:05.Kings. A statue of him outside the Houses of Parliament with a big
:39:05. > :39:12.sword. Great Waror all that stuff. English as English, he spoke French,
:39:12. > :39:16.actually. That is what he spoke.he was going around going - IN FRENCH
:39:16. > :39:21.ACCENT I like all you English people, very nice. I'm very good
:39:21. > :39:31.atifyinging. I could kill you. Run at me with a banana, I could kill
:39:31. > :39:36.
:39:36. > :39:40.you. I'm pretty good at that. How strange. We had 3 00 years of
:39:40. > :39:43.French-speaking kings. Here is a story boo my ego. Shows how healthy
:39:43. > :39:48.it is. Wembley, this place right here, I have a relationship with.
:39:48. > :39:53.It I have played it 10 times. I was a street performer and worked up to
:39:53. > :40:02.play at Wembley. I love this barn of a place. A few months ago I came
:40:02. > :40:08.here to see Jesus Christ Superstar. A musical. Die Hard the musical,
:40:08. > :40:14.maybe I would see that. # Where are my detonators?
:40:14. > :40:20.# I need my detonators... # I don't know if it would work, I
:40:20. > :40:26.would watch it. We went back in a taxi from here from Wembley into
:40:26. > :40:36.the centre of town. I'm getting to the point about egg e. Taxi driver
:40:36. > :40:39.
:40:39. > :40:49.gets into The bright lights of the centre. He said, will you go back
:40:49. > :40:51.
:40:51. > :40:56.to Wembley. I took it in a different way. He said, will you go
:40:56. > :41:00.back to Wembley. I said, I think I will go back to Wembley. I have to
:41:00. > :41:05.go to Wembley. I struggled to hard to get to Wembley. It's right and
:41:05. > :41:09.proper I should return, don't you? I think it's my duty. It is my
:41:09. > :41:14.right. There will always... This is true. I was going off on one. He is
:41:14. > :41:19.going, what the lock is he talking about. Here is my card, I knock off
:41:19. > :41:24.at 3.00 am. I can give you a lift back. Tonight, no, no. I thought...
:41:24. > :41:31.Who are you talking to? I was talking to another guy out the
:41:31. > :41:37.window! My ego is dangerously healthy. I'm driving a Volvo Hubris.
:41:37. > :41:41.Wisdom. We need to be... The ancient Greeks had an idea of being
:41:41. > :41:44.fit of mind and fit of body. If you could be wise before you die, that
:41:45. > :41:48.was good. Pipes were an amazing thing. You could have a pipe. You
:41:48. > :41:52.were suddenly wise. You said wise things. That is a good point. I
:41:52. > :41:57.have a big book on. That I will look that up on the internet. You
:41:57. > :42:01.said wise stuff. Now, the Lord of the Ring that is is a pipe-smoking
:42:01. > :42:05.film. Wise stuff happens. We must take the Ring of Power and put it
:42:05. > :42:13.into the Mount of Doom. Who will take it? I'm but half the man. I
:42:13. > :42:18.will take the Ring of Power to the Mount Doom. Who will come? I'm a
:42:18. > :42:24.dwarf. It's all pipes. Can you imagine Lord of the Rings done with
:42:24. > :42:29.cigarettes? It's an entirely different film. It's, what are you
:42:29. > :42:34.talking about. I'm not taking that ring to that locking mountain. No-
:42:34. > :42:40.one will notice you. You go, you are a wizard. You have a big hat.
:42:40. > :42:47.You die and come back to life. I've seen the book. It's got a huge eye
:42:47. > :42:51.on fire, revolving over the locking mountain. You locking. My dad say,
:42:51. > :42:58.never go to mountains that have huge revolving eyes over them.
:42:58. > :43:02.Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Don't forget to text.
:43:02. > :43:09.Text GIVE, to 70005. Thank you very much for being here. It's a good
:43:09. > :43:12.cause. Good night. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:43:12. > :43:22.Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Nicole
:43:22. > :43:22.
:43:22. > :46:02.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 293 seconds
:46:02. > :46:07.You have that kind of anticipation. Quite excited. Then you get there
:46:07. > :46:14.and you're shopping. It feels fantastic. When you stop shopping
:46:14. > :46:18.you just feel really guilty. It got me into trouble with my mum and dad,
:46:18. > :46:26.when I was younger. With my husband, quite frequently and with the bank
:46:26. > :46:36.as well. Not good for you. It makes you feel great. I can't imagine a
:46:36. > :46:46.
:46:46. > :46:50.time when I won't want to shop, not Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an
:46:50. > :47:00.incredible evening. Give it up so far, please now urge to welcome
:47:00. > :47:00.
:47:00. > :50:37.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 293 seconds
:50:37. > :50:41.with all your mighty hearts, the $:/STARTFEED. Thank you so much.
:50:41. > :50:49.Text 70005 to donate �5 to Comic Relief. Thank you so much, have a
:50:49. > :50:54.good evening. Good night. Imagine being a mum to three boys who you
:50:54. > :51:02.love to bits and who you would do absolutely anything for. For them,
:51:02. > :51:10.life just does not run smoothly. This is Cathy's story. My name is
:51:10. > :51:14.Cathy. I live in Derry, Northern Ireland, I have three sons. Emmitt
:51:14. > :51:21.was an outgoing child. He was street wise. He took up boxing. He
:51:21. > :51:25.was All Ireland Champion. Emmitt I didn't realise was on drugs. I
:51:25. > :51:35.thought his problem was alcohol. What I didn't know was he was
:51:35. > :51:37.
:51:38. > :51:43.taking prescription drugs. The like. The phone rang and one of his so-
:51:43. > :51:46.called mates kept shouting down the phone, "he's not breathing." My
:51:46. > :51:52.heart started to pound much I thought something was wrong here.
:51:52. > :51:58.We went to a flat. The ambulance men were working on him. They took
:51:58. > :52:06.him out. I knew she was dead then. I knew it. It was heartbreaking to
:52:06. > :52:13.see them carrying the coffin down the street. Sorry. It just kind of
:52:13. > :52:21.brings it all back. When I was younger, I had a drink and drug
:52:21. > :52:29.problem and when I was in real trouble and I really needed help, I
:52:29. > :52:37.got lucky. I got it. It probably saved my life. But emmitt wasn't so
:52:37. > :52:43.lucky. He lost his. I don't think that Cathy and her family will ever
:52:43. > :52:48.ever get over it. Cathy's been so brave sharing her story with us.
:52:48. > :52:57.She's done it because she doesn't want any other parents to have to
:52:57. > :53:05.go through the same agony. Please, text the word "give" to 70005 to
:53:05. > :53:10.donate �5. It really will make a difference. Thank you. Your money
:53:10. > :53:13.will help people affected with drug and alcohol addiction right here in
:53:13. > :53:17.and alcohol addiction right here in the UK. Texts cost �5 plus your
:53:17. > :53:23.standard network message charge. The whole �5 goes to Comic Relief.
:53:23. > :53:28.You must be 16 or over. Ask the bill payers permission. For more
:53:28. > :53:38.bill payers permission. For more information go to: Ladies and
:53:38. > :53:42.
:53:42. > :53:50.gentlemen, we have our suspicions they are intox gaited. This
:53:50. > :53:55.gentleman has never tried a drug, as far as we know, unless it's
:53:55. > :54:05.brilliance. Welcome to the stage, Jimmy Carr everyone. Thank you very
:54:05. > :54:05.
:54:05. > :54:15.much. Hello. Hello. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:54:15. > :54:21.Good evening, Wembley. That was nice, it's nice to be here in my
:54:21. > :54:27.home down of -- town of London. When I'm away from home I get love
:54:27. > :54:33.sick. They call it chlamydia. I tell you who I blame for all the
:54:33. > :54:39.drugs in schools, the supply teachers! How do you they get so
:54:39. > :54:48.many drugs into prisons. I guess they are smuggled in by some
:54:48. > :54:55.loophole. The pubs retired. He has pulled out early - typical Catholic
:54:55. > :54:58.-- Pope. Sure, sure, why not. Treat yourselves. The first few weeks of
:54:58. > :55:05.joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. I told that
:55:05. > :55:09.joke, it is only a joke, it is a bit of fun. I told that joke and a
:55:09. > :55:18.larger lady came up to me after the show. Larger lady, is that the
:55:18. > :55:28.right term a fattyboombatty. She came up to me. She surrounded me.
:55:28. > :55:29.
:55:29. > :55:33.do you think I feel? I said, squiggy. It's difficult, gentlemen,
:55:33. > :55:40.it's difficult to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm,
:55:40. > :55:44.but gentle. You want to be manly, you don't want it wake her up.
:55:44. > :55:48.Let's hear it from the ladies. Give me a shout out all the ladies in
:55:48. > :55:54.the room. You sound in good voice. Do you think you are easy to live
:55:54. > :55:58.with, ladies? YES. This will be educational and fun. I will tell
:55:58. > :56:04.you how easy you are to live with a couple of simple questions. Are you
:56:04. > :56:10.up for this, yes? YES. I will tell you how easy you are to live with.
:56:10. > :56:16.Ladies, have you ever met a gay man? YES. Have you noticed how
:56:16. > :56:26.happy homosexual men are? How joyful and carefree of life gay
:56:26. > :56:27.
:56:28. > :56:31.dudes dudes tend to be? YES. What is missing from their lives? YOU! I
:56:31. > :56:36.had a classic pub conversation the other day. I was in the bar... Have
:56:36. > :56:39.you had this conversation. If you had to sleep with a guy, who would
:56:39. > :56:44.it be. Have you had that conversation. You haven't? I will
:56:44. > :56:49.tell you how it goes. You are in a pub with the mate, relaxing having
:56:49. > :56:55.a lovely time. Ourfriend says - if you had to sleep with a man who
:56:55. > :57:00.would it be. I wouldn't. If you had to. I wouldn't. It wouldn't be
:57:00. > :57:07.anyone. If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? I wouldn't
:57:07. > :57:17.know. If you had to... Well I wouldn't. If you had to who would
:57:17. > :57:20.
:57:20. > :57:26.it be? Well. Poof. I saw a woman on the news in her flooded kitchen
:57:26. > :57:31.crying. I thought, crying is not helping. I know I don't sound that
:57:31. > :57:37.charitable. I'm here this evening. I don't sound like a chartable man.
:57:37. > :57:47.Let me tell you this, I'm not blowing smoke up my own... 10p from
:57:47. > :57:47.
:57:47. > :57:52.the sale of everyone every one of my DVDs go towards the poor
:57:52. > :57:55.children of Cambodia who manufacturer them. They do a good
:57:55. > :58:02.job. We are here this evening to raise money to get Russell Brand
:58:02. > :58:10.back on drugs. If you want to help this very worthy cause please text
:58:10. > :58:20."give" to 70005 to donate �5. Now, the wonderful and talented Jake
:58:20. > :58:20.
:58:20. > :04:12.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 293 seconds
:04:12. > :04:17.Thank you very much, have a good I cannot live without quantum
:04:17. > :04:22.dynamics. Shopping. At university having to solve a very complicated
:04:22. > :04:29.equation about how protons bounce off each other. I used to pick and
:04:29. > :04:32.choose anything I wanted from this catalogue. Exhilarated? You have
:04:32. > :04:37.that anticipation. Quite excited. Then you get there and you're
:04:37. > :04:44.shopping. It feels fantastic. When you stop shopping you just feel
:04:44. > :04:48.really guilty. It has got me into trouble with my mum and dad, when I
:04:48. > :04:54.was younger. With my husband, quite frequently. And, with the bank as
:04:54. > :05:01.well. Not good for you. It makes you feel great! I find that it is
:05:01. > :05:09.highly inappropriate to talk about it or engage in calculations based
:05:09. > :05:16.on them when having sex. I can't imagine a time when I won't want to
:05:16. > :05:19.shop. Not an option. I don't think I will be able to ever give up even
:05:19. > :05:29.if it become as problem beyond the bedroom because I think it really
:05:29. > :05:29.
:05:29. > :08:56.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 293 seconds
:08:56. > :08:59.Thank you. Wasn't Paloma Faith beautiful and delightful really?
:08:59. > :09:04.What a sexy individual. Ladies and gentlemen, something wonderful is
:09:04. > :09:09.about to hurtle into your consciousness. Get ready to
:09:09. > :09:19.escalate your joy as this evening reaches its climax. Welcome to the
:09:19. > :09:45.
:09:45. > :09:49.stage, the fantastic, Doc Brown. He Hi. Kiss off. What's up Wembley?
:09:49. > :09:53.This is an honour for me to do something like this for Comic
:09:53. > :10:01.Relief. I try to do as many gigs as I can for charity. Especially, if
:10:01. > :10:04.the money is, you know, good. In fact, you won't know this, it's an
:10:04. > :10:11.emotional one as well, Comic Relief, for me. Backstage you won't know
:10:11. > :10:17.this, we have a bunch of TV screens. You constantly see the emotional
:10:17. > :10:25.adverts. The harrowing ads, heartbreaking. I saw one with Lenny
:10:25. > :10:31.Henry for Premier Inn. This charity thing, it is nothing new to me.
:10:31. > :10:38.Before comedy I worked a lot with difficult teenagers, doing music
:10:38. > :10:43.workshops. Some of those areas that state agents might refer to
:10:43. > :10:48."vibrant." We bonded me and these kids through rap music. I was
:10:48. > :10:52.amazing to see how their aggression, their anger they channeled it to
:10:53. > :10:56.inspire their lyrics. We could be together in a workshop, right,
:10:56. > :11:03.discussing the relationship between young people and like the police.
:11:03. > :11:08.These kids, honestly, they would explode into verse, incredible.
:11:08. > :11:15.Like # Check this out, yo, yo
:11:15. > :11:21.# I just want to live my life # But feds keep watching me
:11:21. > :11:26.# Yeah every second man police are clocking me
:11:26. > :11:29.# So many times I get this in a day # Somebody tell me why they
:11:29. > :11:35.discriminate # I'm on my way to a weed sale
:11:35. > :11:39.# Got the drugs in the car # By the knife, no seatbelt
:11:39. > :11:44.# Yeah, no wing mirror # No licence
:11:44. > :11:50.# My nephew taught me how to drive this
:11:50. > :11:55.# Cocaine and a big glass of rum # Shoot my gun in the air through
:11:55. > :11:59.the sun roof # Oh, man, I don't believe this
:11:59. > :12:03.# Prejudice policeman, what's the reason!
:12:03. > :12:11.# My gun, my knife, my drugs you want to take
:12:11. > :12:17.# My book leg DVDs you confiscate # Now I can't drink and drive
:12:17. > :12:26.# Why won't these pigs let me live my life... #
:12:26. > :12:36.Cheers, thank you very much, Cheers, thank you very much,
:12:36. > :12:36.
:12:36. > :12:40.If I'm being really honest about it, it's biscuits and milk. Any
:12:40. > :12:44.biscuits, it doesn't matter what they are. I can't pinpoint a
:12:44. > :12:49.specific moment, it would have been from a very young age. I've loved
:12:49. > :12:56.milk as long as I can remember. First my mother's of course. A top
:12:57. > :13:06.quality provider of milk. She didn't charge. I feel safe. I feel
:13:06. > :13:11.home. It's important the milk is chilled. It can't be room
:13:11. > :13:17.temperature. Comfort and security and warmth with biscuits and milk.
:13:17. > :13:21.At the same time, like any drugs, Russell, if you have too many of
:13:22. > :13:31.them, they're bad for you. You have to control the biscuits. Don't let
:13:32. > :13:41.
:13:41. > :13:48.Just when you think there can't be any more excellence upon the stage,
:13:48. > :13:56.I have the opportunity to welcome our last comic of the evening. Huh!
:13:56. > :13:58.What are you saying, our last comic tonight, the beautiful, the human,
:13:58. > :14:08.the cheeky, ladies and gentlemen you are going to love him, you
:14:08. > :14:21.
:14:21. > :14:27.already love John Bishop everyone. Thank you. Thank you, Wembley. How
:14:27. > :14:34.are you? Good. I've got to be honest with you, I've been watching
:14:34. > :14:39.the gig all night. Coming on last is like being a plumber in a porn
:14:39. > :14:43.film. You know, by the time I've come on, you're all spent. You've
:14:43. > :14:48.done all you want to do. You are wiping the mess off your chest
:14:48. > :14:54.because there has been a girlie orgy, I want to come on and deliver
:14:54. > :15:00.my lines about fixing your boiler. Have you enjoyed this evening?
:15:00. > :15:04.I think this evening has been brilliant, but before we move on,
:15:04. > :15:07.there's - because I'm on as the last of the speakers, as it were,
:15:07. > :15:10.I'm the last one with an opportunity to do this. This gig
:15:10. > :15:15.was put together by Russell Brand, who I've never met before tonight.
:15:15. > :15:20.Like a number of people in this room, every time I've seen him on
:15:20. > :15:25.the telly I have thought he's a bit of a cock. He is a little bit too
:15:25. > :15:31.long. Speak as little bit too much. He is a little bit too handsome.
:15:31. > :15:34.Like most men though, he has flagged too many weapons of mass
:15:34. > :15:40.destruction. However, I met him tonight, not only is he all of
:15:40. > :15:43.those things he is also a wonderful, beautiful person who thinks he's
:15:43. > :15:50.not something... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:15:50. > :15:55.Who thinks he's not something often spoke about. When it is it is spoke
:15:55. > :16:01.in ignorance. You will see people say, see that fella drunk shouting
:16:01. > :16:08.at buses drinking Special Brew sat in his own wee. He wants to be like
:16:08. > :16:13.that. That guy injecting himself into the only vein he can find in
:16:13. > :16:23.his cock wants to be like thasm he would rather be an addict than an
:16:23. > :16:25.
:16:25. > :16:30.estate agent. That is was not the best option. It's not a option but
:16:30. > :16:37.it takes someone brave to put on a gig like this. Put your hands
:16:37. > :16:40.together for Russell Brand. Having said that, it is only putting on a
:16:40. > :16:48.gig. I did a lot more locking than that, to be perfectly honest for
:16:48. > :16:53.you. No, thank you. I did something last year for Sport Leaf. I have to
:16:53. > :16:58.be -- sport Relief, I have to be honest with you I won't do it again.
:16:58. > :17:06.Don't clap. I won't do it again not that I found out those Africans
:17:06. > :17:10.don't buy DVDs, lock them. I'm not saying you can't buy my DVDs in
:17:11. > :17:17.Africa, you can. You can only get them in Somalia, they are all
:17:17. > :17:21.pirates. Come on, it's 11.00pm. You have to smile. Locking hell, that
:17:21. > :17:26.is gold dust that is. Also, I have to remind you as well to do
:17:26. > :17:33.something that is really important. Don't forget to get your phone out,
:17:33. > :17:39.those who haven't done it, can do it now. Get your phone out and text,
:17:39. > :17:47.text the word "give" to 70005. I'm saying that. I went to a gig a few
:17:47. > :17:54.years ago to watch U2. Bono was on. He was on the stage. If you have
:17:54. > :18:01.been to a U2gig. He is electric. He is on the stage. He drops to his
:18:01. > :18:08.one knee. He looked at everyone and said, "do you want to end poverty?"
:18:08. > :18:14.I was in Man City's ground we were watching it. We said, of course we
:18:14. > :18:17.do. He said, "if you want to end poverty text this number now." A
:18:18. > :18:21.number came up. We got our phones out. It was amazing to see all the
:18:21. > :18:26.phones, like stars in the crowd. Everybody texted the number. Bono
:18:26. > :18:35.got up, the Edge started playing. The other two lads who came with
:18:35. > :18:41.them, they did what they do. Bono turned round and sang a few songs
:18:41. > :18:45.and said, all these people, you sent a text you ended poverty. We
:18:45. > :18:48.thought, if it was that easy I would have done it yesterday. What
:18:48. > :18:54.was brilliant all the names of those who texted came over the top.
:18:54. > :19:01.They were told to text their own name. All of a sudden you could see
:19:01. > :19:05.everyone getting their phone out and going, "Billy is a wanke." We
:19:05. > :19:09.have another message for someone who couldn't be here. I want you to
:19:09. > :19:19.listen to the words of the only spaceman who is allowed to live on
:19:19. > :19:25.
:19:26. > :19:30.I happen to look through the menu of the phone it had a game there
:19:30. > :19:35.Brick Breaker seemed pretty innocent. The feeling of shame
:19:35. > :19:39.really. I would spend a loft time in the toilet just sat there, not
:19:39. > :19:45.actually using the toilet for what it was meant to be used for. So I
:19:45. > :19:48.was somewhere quiet to be able to play the game. Every session would
:19:48. > :19:57.go on for at least an hour-and-a- half. Basically, a lot of my life
:19:57. > :20:07.went out of the wend owe. -- window. I'm kind of four years clean. The
:20:07. > :20:08.
:20:08. > :20:18.way I gave up Brick Breaker I had to give up the phone. If only other
:20:18. > :20:23.
:20:23. > :20:28.depend cyst were so easy to get rid of. -- dependeciees. I started
:20:28. > :20:34.using tat nine-and-a-half years old. I used drugs for 22 years. For all
:20:34. > :20:40.of my adult life. I started when I was maybe 12. I was on heroin for
:20:40. > :20:45.15 years. I was addicted for 18 years. I used drugs on a daily
:20:45. > :20:50.basis. There was one single day when I willingly didn't use. Once I
:20:50. > :20:56.started I couldn't stop. If I was awake, I was drinking. I used
:20:56. > :21:04.anything and anywhere, at any place, at any time. I couldn't cope with
:21:04. > :21:07.life. Drugs helped me cope with life. It doesn't matter what you're
:21:07. > :21:12.background is. It doesn't discriminate. Everybody, you know,
:21:12. > :21:16.anybody can be affected by. It Drugs have no boundaries. Drugs can
:21:17. > :21:20.affect anybody. They don't have to be poor. They don't have to live in
:21:20. > :21:24.deprivation. Coming from a middle- class public school back ground I
:21:24. > :21:29.never believed that addiction would get me. It did get me. I ended up
:21:29. > :21:34.homeless, on the streets. It's all consuming. It's all I could think
:21:34. > :21:44.about. When you are in that position, you are ridden with guilt
:21:44. > :21:49.
:21:49. > :21:52.and shame with what you are doing I was a DOA, dead on arrival, I
:21:52. > :21:59.clinically died. I don't know what this doctor was doing. He didn't
:21:59. > :22:04.give up on me, when I flatlined. I came back into my body. I tried to
:22:04. > :22:10.hang myself. I was taking a whole lot of drugs that were slowing down
:22:10. > :22:20.my heart. On top of a whole lot of benzo and I was using heroin on top
:22:20. > :22:25.
:22:25. > :22:32.of that. That combination had I was lucky enough to get a place
:22:32. > :22:37.in a rehab. I detoxed. I haven't used since. Happy to say I haven't
:22:37. > :22:42.used mood altering substances for coming on two years now. Over 10
:22:42. > :22:48.months clean. I'm working as a supporter. I feel positive. I'm
:22:48. > :22:53.making good steps to build a career for myself and a life beyond using
:22:53. > :22:57.drugs. You can see life can get better. You can have a really
:22:57. > :23:01.beautiful drug-free life. Do you know what I mean? With help and
:23:01. > :23:05.support. If you reach a point in the pit of your stomach where you
:23:05. > :23:09.know you want your life to change, make the leap. It will be the best
:23:09. > :23:19.leap you ever made. It will be the biggest fight of your life, the
:23:19. > :23:29.
:23:29. > :23:33.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right! I've come here because
:23:33. > :23:37.obviously, you are the finale of the gig. There is no higher than we
:23:37. > :23:46.can go. Before we wrap up the night's proceedings I want to thank
:23:46. > :23:56.everyone that has participated tonight. Please applaud for Jessie
:23:56. > :23:57.
:23:57. > :24:05.J, Noel Fielding, Kasabian, Simon Amstell, Jason Manford, Rizzle
:24:05. > :24:15.Kicks, Eddie Izzard, Nicole Scherzinger, Emeli Sande, Jimmy
:24:15. > :24:16.
:24:16. > :24:19.Carr, Jake Bugg, Frankie Boyle, Paloma Faith, Doc Brown and John
:24:19. > :24:24.Bishop. Now, of course, thank you all very much for attending this
:24:24. > :24:28.evening. Thanks all of you for watching at home. Thank you to our
:24:28. > :24:36.beloved Amy Winehouse for inspiring this event. We have one more
:24:36. > :24:42.opportunity to text 70005 text the word "give". Jack Whitehall, yeah
:24:42. > :24:46.some locking... Come here, Jack. Do you know who I particularly enjoyed
:24:46. > :24:48.this evening it was Jack Whitehall everyone.
:24:48. > :24:55.APPLAUSE Jack Whitehall walking the
:24:55. > :25:02.tightrope of saving people from drugs and consuming them. I bet
:25:02. > :25:10.they spell his name right. Some people are respected artists.
:25:10. > :25:14.Others we thought, save that "H for Scramble. Thank you for watching
:25:14. > :25:16.and Comic Relief and all the people who put on this gig. Thank you to
:25:17. > :25:21.everyone who dedicated that time. Thank you very much. Now, ladies
:25:22. > :25:30.and gentlemen, to take us out of this wonderful evening, the poet