0:00:02 > 0:00:04I'm Diarmuid Corr from Sketchy with Diarmuid Corr.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Nice coat, dickhead!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10I'm outside Blackstaff House for a very special episode,
0:00:10 > 0:00:13featuring some of the best new comedians in Northern Ireland.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Welcome to the Sketchy Showcase Stand-up.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Welcome to the Sketchy Stand-up Showcase.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44This comedian is the best thing to come out of Lurgan since...
0:00:50 > 0:00:54This comedian is from Lurgan. It's Micky Bartlett!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Right, OK, I'm going to get stuck straight into this,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01cos there's a pizza back there.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I seen a weird thing the other day,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I don't know if anyone's ever seen this.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07I was in Lisburn and I seen the weirdest thing
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I've ever seen in my life. There was this wee girl crying,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13do you know that crying you do when you're a kid where it's like CD-skipping crying?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17you're kind of (IMITATES SOBBING CHILD).
0:01:17 > 0:01:20The weirdest thing I've ever seen, her mum sat down beside her
0:01:20 > 0:01:24and she went, "Our Natalie, I hope we're not going to have to go home
0:01:24 > 0:01:26"and talk about your behaviour".
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And I thought two things, number one, where is her ma from
0:01:29 > 0:01:32and what's wrong with her face?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36And number two, are parents talking to their kids now?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Are parents? Did any of your parents talk to you?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43'Cos if that's the case, I was raised by two mental cases!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45My ma one time hit me and I went, "What that was for?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49and she went, "That was for nothing, wait till you do something!"
0:01:49 > 0:01:52And so my dad was a proper working class Catholic dude.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I'll tell you a weird thing, my dad once tried to convince me
0:01:55 > 0:01:58he was in the famine, that's a true story.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00"We wanted over to America, son, but you were born
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"and we couldn't afford it".
0:02:02 > 0:02:04And there was one day he came home from work
0:02:04 > 0:02:07and, God bless him, he was wrecked, he just wanted to have his dinner,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09watch a bit of TV and stuff like that, but the problem was
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I had a different agenda, right,
0:02:11 > 0:02:16because I was six and I'd had a wee glass of Coke.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21Dad came in from work and I'm going, "Daddy! What's happening, big man?"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23And he put up with this for ages and then after a while
0:02:23 > 0:02:26he lost his temper and he turned to me and went, "Michael.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"Would you piss off?"
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Now at six years of age, at half nine on a Tuesday
0:02:31 > 0:02:34with a wee glass of Coke in me, I thought this would be a good time
0:02:34 > 0:02:37to tell my da that I'm now a man.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40So I went, "No, no, Dad...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46"You piss off!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:50He did one of the weirdest things I've ever seen,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53he just spun round like this and went,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"One."
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Now he'd never hit me before so I didn't really know what he was doing,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and then he went, "Two."
0:03:03 > 0:03:07And a voice in my head went, "If he gets to three, you're dead."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10So I took off running, right, and my dad done a massive,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14it was amazing, he took off his massive steel toe-capped Catholic
0:03:14 > 0:03:18"I swear I was in the famine" work boot off, right,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22and he threw it, right, but he didn't throw it at me,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25he threw it to the place I was running to.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Do you have any idea how scary it is as a child
0:03:28 > 0:03:34to run away from a boot, right, that overtakes you
0:03:34 > 0:03:38and then just waits for a fight? Scary!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I still live with my parents and it's crazy living with your parents
0:03:41 > 0:03:45cos they still treat you like your nine. It's like, "Clean your room"...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49It's weird. I'm a grown up and I've got relationships with a girlfriend
0:03:49 > 0:03:52and it's mad when you live in your parents' when you're trying to...
0:03:52 > 0:03:56..you know, do you know what I mean?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Do you ever walk past a room when you kind of know people are up to stuff?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03You kind of hear the (IMITATES BED SQUEAKING).
0:04:03 > 0:04:05That's what it sounds like in most peoples' houses.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09In my house it's like, "(Shut up!).
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"(Shut up!)"
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I'm like Rambo in the jungle by himself you know, just, "Shh! Shh!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:29("Right, you stay there, I'm going to go check it out!").
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You open the bedroom door, you're going "Dad",
0:04:31 > 0:04:35your Dad's going "Yep".
0:04:35 > 0:04:37You're going, "What are you doing?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:40and he goes "I'm just getting a drink",
0:04:40 > 0:04:45like HE'S been caught, right, and he goes "What are you doing"
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and you go, "(What are we doing?)"
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"(I don't know, why are you asking me?)"
0:04:51 > 0:04:57"Emm, we're just jumping on the bed".
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Your dad's going "Right, well, be careful.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06"Remember that time I caught you jumping on it by yourself".
0:05:06 > 0:05:10APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:19That's a, that's a pretty awkward thing to happen, really,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23it's not the most awkward thing that's ever happened to me, though.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I was in, I was in Top Man in Lurgan, recently, where I live.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I was dressed like this, so this is probably why this happened.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I don't know if you've had the experience when you're in a shop
0:05:32 > 0:05:35and someone comes over and asks, "Do you know where the shoes are?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and you have to go, "I don't work here" and you're both going "Ha ha!".
0:05:38 > 0:05:42This woman came over to me and said, "Do you know where the jeans are?"
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Now, I used to work in retail and I knew where the jeans were,
0:05:47 > 0:05:51so I went, "Yep, just over there" and as she walked away I thought,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55"Ah, Jesus! She thinks I work here now."
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I tried to leave and I turned round and she was there again, right,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01with a shoe and she went,
0:06:01 > 0:06:06"I'm awful sorry to bother you again, son, would you have these in a ten?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"I think my husband might like them".
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Now at this point, folks, I definitely should have said, "Sorry,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16"I don't actually work here," right, what I actually said was,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"Just give me two seconds...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"I'll run out the back here and have a look for you".
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and I went out the back but there was a code for the stock room
0:06:27 > 0:06:30and I couldn't get in. I went into one of the changing rooms,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32stood for a couple of minutes...
0:06:34 > 0:06:39..and went back out and went, "I'm sorry. We don't have those in a ten".
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Ladies and gentlemen, at this point I definitely should have said,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45"By the way, I don't actually work here."
0:06:45 > 0:06:49What I actually said was... was...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"Do you want me to ring Portadown...
0:06:51 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:07:01.."and see if they have any?"
0:07:01 > 0:07:05and she said, "Yes," so I went over to the phone,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I didn't know the number, so I just pretended to hit all the buttons
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and I picked the phone up...
0:07:11 > 0:07:15"It's ringing, it's ringing now.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22"I know it's pretty busy cos we've a sale on,
0:07:22 > 0:07:26"the area manager's coming on Tuesday, so it's all hands on.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"Hiya, Grainne."
0:07:30 > 0:07:35"Yeah, it's Micky here from Lurgan, eh,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39"I'm just, I'm eh, I'm just wondering if you have a Dunlop Green Flash
0:07:39 > 0:07:44"in a ten? That's... Aye, she's coming here on Tuesday as well, yeah,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"it's going to be a nightmare. Aye, I know, we're flat out.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"I haven't even got my 15-minute break yet.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53"It's been a nightmare. Grainne, I'm actually with a customer now, though.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"That's... Not a prob... Thanks. She's checking now."
0:08:03 > 0:08:07"Hiya, Grainne, that's not a problem, pet.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"That's not a problem, thanks, thanks." Put the phone down
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and went back over with the shoe and went "I'm really sorry,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"they don't actually have any of those in Portadown either.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"Newry?"
0:08:18 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"I don't actually work here".
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much, I'm Micky Bartlett. Cheers.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30APPLAUSE
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Behind me is Blackstaff Studios that has hosted celebrities,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36sports stars and some of the finest comedians ever to grace the stage.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38These local residents...
0:08:38 > 0:08:39DOG BARKS
0:08:39 > 0:08:44It's a bloody dog, how'd that even get in here?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Is that Keith Burnside's dog?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Shall we just wait a minute, Diarmuid?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No, I'll sort it, give me a second.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58DOG YELPS
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Here's Ruaidhri Ward.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03APPLAUSE
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Hello, hello, name's Ruaidhri,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09spelled R-U-A-I-D-H-R-I fada
0:09:09 > 0:09:10with like a whoosh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12So, yeah, for some of the audience,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I still don't know why my parents
0:09:14 > 0:09:15didn't do what they wanted to do
0:09:15 > 0:09:18which was to paint me green, give me a cape
0:09:18 > 0:09:22and call me Captain Fenian Pants and just be done with the whole charade.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Cos it's kind of like a, like an epidemic in this country
0:09:25 > 0:09:27if you're from a certain part of the community
0:09:27 > 0:09:30you've got to have an uber Irish name, has to be a super,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33there are no Daves or Alans, it's Cuchulainn Finn McCool McRangers.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I'll give you an example, my family, my parents, my siblings
0:09:36 > 0:09:41and their kids is James, Nuala, Ciaran, Cora, Bronagh, Eamonn,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Cormac, Caragh, Aoife, Ella,
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Niall, Leisha, Micheal, another Eamonn, a Colla
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and a Darragh, and that's a list of names that only 15 years ago
0:09:50 > 0:09:53would have been followed by, "..were arrested last night
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"following a raid".
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I've got the moustache going on cos I'm short and I'm bald
0:09:59 > 0:10:03and I got bored with my face, you know, let's move on.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I drink too much, that's part of it, but we all do, don't we, children?
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Erm, a little too much. You wake up with the fear,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12the younger people in the audience will know what the fear is,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16their fear is, "I think I called Jolene a bitch on Facebook last night".
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Whereas the older people think, "I've killed again, what have I done?"
0:10:20 > 0:10:23It started when I was young, I got caught drinking when I was 16,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25very terrifying, anyone ever get caught drinking?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Very sad, yeah, I know it's scary cos when you were younger everyone drank
0:10:30 > 0:10:33in packs in a field with three litres of cider.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Like meerkats, you know?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41You keep dick, mate?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:45So I went through a... thanks,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49I went through that and you know, got my curried, battered sausage special
0:10:49 > 0:10:51to hide the alcohol breath,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54scraped the keyhole in the door on the way in, ran upstairs,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57covered myself in Lynx Africa to get rid of the rest of the alcohol,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00popped my head in downstairs, went, "Goodnight,"
0:11:00 > 0:11:02and went upstairs to sleep, or so I thought.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Cos I used to share a room with my brother, he's a double Olympian,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08he's been to the Olympics twice, my family are proud of him.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11He didn't win anything, so screw him.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14No, I'm very proud of him, you know and he was robbed in one of them
0:11:14 > 0:11:16but balls to him, really, no, balls to him.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19He tells me I woke up and went to do the oul' visit to the wardrobe
0:11:19 > 0:11:24so he sent me downstairs to the real toilet
0:11:24 > 0:11:27and he went back to sleep. And he woke up
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and found that I was still not there and he was like,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34"Oh no, where is my brother? I must look for him."
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Probably. And he went downstairs and I was not in the bathroom,
0:11:38 > 0:11:43so he went upstairs and found me and my father in an embrace in bed.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Now in my defence I was drunk, right?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49So he did what all good brothers do, he went straight downstairs
0:11:49 > 0:11:52and got my mum and they pointed and laughed at us for a while,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54then he went to try to wake me up
0:11:54 > 0:11:56without awakening the Kraken - my father.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00He failed, my dad shouted, I didn't know where I was, I screamed,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I ran into my room and I did what all good kids do when they're in trouble,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I hoped my whole family would die.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10And growing up in Andytown in the 1980s, probability...
0:12:10 > 0:12:14should have been on my side, em, but unfortunately I had to get up
0:12:14 > 0:12:17and go down and face the music and next morning.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I was going downstairs and my beautiful mother passed me
0:12:19 > 0:12:22and she said, "Were you doing a bit of sleepwalking last night, son?"
0:12:22 > 0:12:26and I said, "Yes, that's exactly what I was doing,
0:12:26 > 0:12:30"it wasn't the three litres of Old E, it was merely sleepwalking, mother,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"thank you, I now have... (IMITATES KISSING NOISES)."
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I went downstairs and I can face my father now
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and I went into the kitchen and he was with the double Olympian
0:12:38 > 0:12:40having some kind of heroes' breakfast together
0:12:40 > 0:12:43to which I was not invited.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46None of my family are here, they're at home watching the double Olympian
0:12:46 > 0:12:48bench-press a baby rhinoceros.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52To be fair, I've watched him do it too, he's very good at it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55So I sat down, ready to face the music, and my dad looked at me
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and he said, "Were you doing a bit of sleepwalking last night, son?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I thought, "Don't screw it up, Ruaidhri."
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I went, "Yes, Dad, yeah". He went, "Well..." And then he winked,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"I tell you what, you're lucky it wasn't a Tuesday night,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"if you know what I mean".
0:13:10 > 0:13:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Whoa, whoa, two things.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Two things. One.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I found out at the tender age of 16 the night of the week
0:13:21 > 0:13:24my parents had sex and no-one, no-one should know that.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27My dad is long gone, rest him, for seven years, but if I talk to my mum
0:13:27 > 0:13:33on a Tuesday and her mind wanders, one does wonder where it's going.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Secondly, did my dad just threaten to abuse me?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Punishments really WERE harder in the '80s.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43He may not have meant it, but that's what he said.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Guys, you've been a wee treat, I'm out of here,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48name's Ruaidhri Ward, enjoy the rest of the show. All right, take care.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53There's a time and a place for everything. Kevin O'Neill.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Hello, hello, everyone.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00It's good to be here, it's good to see you all in tonight.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03You're probably looking at me wondering, "That weird looking guy,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"what does he do? Because he clearly can't have a real job,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"he's obviously a biker or a rocker or something like that,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12"or maybe a Jesus impersonator or something like that."
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Yeah, I've got all that before and I actually have a real job,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17in my day-to-day life, I'm a nurse, right.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I work at a hospital here in Belfast.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Yeah, that shocked youse all, didn't it?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26APPLAUSE
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Most men think, that's every man's fantasy,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32working with all those nurses, but I want to dispel the myth now,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36everyone thinks that nurses are dirty and filthy, right.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It's not so, I've worked with nurses, I've lived with nurses,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I even went out with a nurse for a while, and the dirtiest,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43filthiest nurse I've ever encountered...
0:14:43 > 0:14:47..you're looking at him right now!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50This look that I have, hasn't always been to the liking of my managers.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I got pulled aside recently there, right,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and she says to me, "Kev, you've got to do something about your look,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00"because it's not very professional. You need to cut your hair and shave your beard."
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I was raging when she said this to me,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05for those of you that don't understand Ulster Scotch,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07that's not very happy, right?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Raging.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I'm bilingual.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:17 > 0:15:20So, she says to me, "You need to cut your hair and shave the beard."
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I says, "Look, no way, what about all the other women
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"that work in this place, you're not making them cut their hair."
0:15:25 > 0:15:28She said, "You need to tie it up because the hospital policy says
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"you can't have hair touching your uniform", to which I replied,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35"Does that mean I have to shave my back?"
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Made her feel a bit uncomfortable and, while I was on a roll,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I thought, "OK, I will shave my beard,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44"as soon as you go down there and speak to Eileen, right,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"because she's got facial hair a grizzly bear would be proud of
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"and she's starting to freak the kids out!"
0:15:49 > 0:15:51APPLAUSE
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I'm not here to judge anybody, because we live in a world now
0:15:54 > 0:15:56where we've to be so careful of everything we say,
0:15:56 > 0:16:00that's unless you come from the middle of East Tyrone,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04where if you're a big-handed, over-sized mountain man of a hallion,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07which is my Aunt Josie,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10you can say anything and get away with it.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Now, I come down to the city here and I fit rightly in down here.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I look around this room and I think I look normal
0:16:17 > 0:16:19compared to some of youse that I see in here.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Back home in the middle of East Tyrone, in Coalisland,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I'm actually described as one of two things,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28either a weirdo or a homo.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31And that's my Aunt Josie who calls me those things!
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Some people say she's the most ignorant man who ever lived.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39My granny was the same and she learned all this stuff
0:16:39 > 0:16:42from my granny. The funniest thing that my granny ever said, right,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45we were sitting in the house one day, it was on the TV,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47it was her husband had been charged with beating this woman
0:16:47 > 0:16:51and he was given a sentence for grievous bodily harm
0:16:51 > 0:16:53and only a granny could get away with saying this,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55she turned round in her most sincere voice and said,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59"Wouldn't you wonder what that woman did to drive that man to do that to her?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Ever a fan of domestic violence, my granny, yeah.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Kevin O'Neill,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16thanks for listening, you've been a wonderful audience, good night.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Now this is the studio scene dock.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Now if you're one of those techy- BLEEPS- like me
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- then this is the place where...- Just stop it there, mate, just stop it.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Why, what's up? - The line is techy folks,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- you can't say techy- BLEEPS,- it's techy folks.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Techy- BLEEPS?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Folks, as in plural for folk.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- Folllks.- BLEEP.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- I didn't say- BLEEP, - I said- BLEEP,- that's what I said,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- I said folks.- You can't say- BLEEP.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- I didn't say- BLEEP.- F-O-L-K-S.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51- This is for all you Belfast- BLEEPers- - Liam Watson.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Hello, Sketchy audience, having a good night so far?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- AUDIENCE:- Yes.- Good stuff. My night got off to a strange start
0:18:00 > 0:18:02when I was in the taxi, the driver tried to sell me
0:18:02 > 0:18:06pirate DVDs from under the passenger seat,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I was relieved when I figured out what he was talking about
0:18:08 > 0:18:11cos I thought he was trying to chat me up, you know,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14we were driving along and he goes, "Do you like romantic comedies?"
0:18:14 > 0:18:18But it was nice, it reminded me of the old illegal taxi drivers
0:18:18 > 0:18:20during the Troubles, "Here's a cop, stick your seatbelt on,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"I'm your uncle Anto from Coolnasilla if they ask you,
0:18:23 > 0:18:24"I'm your uncle". I used to go with a girl
0:18:24 > 0:18:27from the Malone Road about ten years ago, right?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Now, I'm from Lenadoon in West Belfast,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32the local taxi came over to pick me up and the driver went down
0:18:32 > 0:18:36the private road by mistake and a local Malone Road patron came out
0:18:36 > 0:18:39to put him straight and said, "Excuse me, this is a private road."
0:18:39 > 0:18:44He says "This is a bucking private taxi, you don't hear me shouting about it!"
0:18:44 > 0:18:46The big thing going on in my life at the minute,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49is that I've just become a father recently.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Thank you very much, yeah.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55It's brilliant, I've always wanted to pass all my faults
0:18:55 > 0:18:59and shortcomings on to another generation and this is my big chance, so I'm delighted.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02But me being me, I started worrying straightaway, you know,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05the responsibility, I'm like, "I hope he gets my eyes
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"and not my irrational fear of choking, you know?"
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You want the best for your children, you know?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I read about these parents who put headphones
0:19:12 > 0:19:15on the mother's belly and play classical music,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Tchaikovsky and Mozart, and it's good for the baby's brain development
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and all this kind of stuff.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I thought, "Yeah, that sounds good," so me and my partner,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I got her, I got the iPod and the wee headphones
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and put them on her belly and played tapes
0:19:27 > 0:19:30of how to change your own nappy.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I forgot about nappies when we were planning it, you know?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You think of all the cute "goo goo gaga" stuff and then
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I was in my sister's house and she was changing her daughter's nappy
0:19:38 > 0:19:42and I was like, "Cancel it, I don't think I can do it, it's disgusting."
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It doesn't faze on her, you know?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46She's changing the baby's nappy and she's doing all the...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49you know the cutie kind of talk? "Who poohed themselves?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"Who's got a dirty bum?"
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And I'm thinking, "She'll keep doing it
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"if you talk to her like that, you know?"
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You're encouraging it, you should be berating her, if anything.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03"You've shit yourself again.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05"You loser."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Like, my sister has loads of kids.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I've been around babies all my life,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11and babies cry, and you just think, "Well, babies cry,"
0:20:11 > 0:20:14but when it's your own son crying, it breaks my heart.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15I can't stand it, you know?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18There comes a time you will do anything to stop the baby crying,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20anything you can do,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and we figured out that baths sort of calm him down
0:20:23 > 0:20:25and God forgive us, he's getting about six baths a day.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28He's like Benjamin Button, he's so wrinkly, you know?
0:20:28 > 0:20:32But the best thing ever that we found was one of these baby carriers.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I would do an advert for the thing. It is unbelievable.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37You put the newborn baby in that
0:20:37 > 0:20:39and he's all, like, kind of snuggled up against you,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42and you strap it on and you go for a walk
0:20:42 > 0:20:45and he's asleep in, like, two minutes, right? Unbelievable.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46The only thing is,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49if you go for a long walk with one of these things on you,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52and you have to take a piss,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55you really just have to take a piss with the baby strapped onto you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's not like you can leave him
0:20:57 > 0:20:59on a seat in Starbucks on his own, you know?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02The carrier doesn't really lend itself to being
0:21:02 > 0:21:04hung on the back of a toilet door, or something.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And obviously, you go into the cubicle, you know?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10If you're standing at a urinal with a baby strapped to your front,
0:21:10 > 0:21:11if there was a guy next to you,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14the baby would be able to look him right in the eye!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Nobody wants that! So you go into the cubicle and you lock the door
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and in the whole process,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I don't know, somehow he feels a disturbance in the force, you know?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26And then you have to talk to him to calm him down
0:21:26 > 0:21:28so you can finish,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32but it suddenly occurred to me that someone outside the cubicle
0:21:32 > 0:21:35would hear a conversation that goes like this.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"Psh-ssh....
0:21:37 > 0:21:40"All right, big fella!
0:21:40 > 0:21:41"Somebody's awake.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"Pssh-sssh.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"Och, what's the matter?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"Ps-ssh. Good boy.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52"Give your daddy a kiss."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Of course, as long as you say, "big fella" and not "wee man",
0:22:03 > 0:22:05you can still come out of it looking OK.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I've been Liam Watson. I hope you've enjoyed it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Thanks very much. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Do you ever get that feeling that you're not quite sure... What is it?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16But you're not... Sorry.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Do you...
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Oops. Sorry.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Do you ever feel that you...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27HE GIGGLES
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Shane Todd.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Whoa!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Thanks.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40How's everyone? All right, yeah?
0:22:40 > 0:22:41- AUDIENCE:- Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Good. Give me a shout if you're on Facebook.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Anybody on Facebook? AUDIENCE:- Woo!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48If you're over 60 and on Facebook, give me a shout.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52My dad is 61, but a week ago he came up to me
0:22:52 > 0:22:56and in a very odd way said, "Can you get me on the Facebook?"
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I said, "I'll get you on and let you know what's happening,"
0:22:59 > 0:23:02cos he can't work computers and he's a bit senile.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03He's 61...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08And he's also quite confrontational, and the two mixed...
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Whenever I went up to him a couple of days after this
0:23:10 > 0:23:14and said, "Here, John up the street wrote on your wall."
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"He did what?!"
0:23:19 > 0:23:22My dad starts filling up a bucket with Fairy Liquid
0:23:22 > 0:23:24and a wire brush.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"Tell me this - what did he do that with?"
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"Obviously just his mouse."
0:23:29 > 0:23:32We live next door to a woman called Sheila, who's about 95,
0:23:32 > 0:23:33and I was like,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37"By the way, Sheila poked you when you were sleeping last night."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40He said, "That wouldn't be the first time, mate."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Nice to be here, though.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46The worst gig - I just want to tell you about the worst gig I ever did -
0:23:46 > 0:23:48was in Dungannon, the comedy hotspot,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51and on the way up... It started terribly.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54This was about two years ago. It started terribly.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Do we all remember the snow that comes once a year
0:23:57 > 0:24:00and it's just a nightmare and a massive inconvenience,
0:24:00 > 0:24:01especially if you're driving?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I see the snow like a mental ex-girlfriend
0:24:04 > 0:24:06in that twice a year, you go down to your living room,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10pull back your curtains and it's just there in your front garden.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17And your first thought is, "I'm going to have to take a spade to that."
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Then you think, "I may as well wrap up and have a play in it."
0:24:32 > 0:24:35But this gig in Dungannon was a talent show
0:24:35 > 0:24:38and I normally just do stand-up gigs or something like this
0:24:38 > 0:24:40but it was a talent show so I thought I'd do it.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44The prize was a grand. I thought there would be other comedians
0:24:44 > 0:24:46but it was a real working man's pub
0:24:46 > 0:24:48and it was 14-year-old girls singing Rihanna songs
0:24:48 > 0:24:51for the pleasure of 50-year-old farmers, right, is what it was,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and I strolled on to do a bit of stand-up.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I was supposed to do 20 minutes but I did about seven and a half seconds
0:24:57 > 0:25:00and said, "If you all give me a massive round of applause,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02"I'll just leave,"
0:25:02 > 0:25:04and they took the roof off the place, right?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I thought, "What a nightmare!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:08And what actually went wrong with the gig was,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I was waiting to come on and unlike Diarmuid,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12who brought me on very nicely,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14the barman was in charge of bringing the acts on,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17and I was the first act on. There had never been comedy at this bar before
0:25:17 > 0:25:20so I'm waiting in the wings behind the curtain to come on
0:25:20 > 0:25:23and this guy took the microphone, a big, hard intimidating guy.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26People were talking and instead of going, "Keep the noise down a bit,"
0:25:26 > 0:25:29he took the microphone and started, right?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31He took the mike and goes, "Ay, ay, ay!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:37And then he said this -
0:25:37 > 0:25:41and I'll never forget this as an introduction to a gig, ever -
0:25:41 > 0:25:42he said,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"We've a wee mad fella here
0:25:45 > 0:25:48"going to try a bit of stand-up comedy."
0:25:56 > 0:25:57And it was an absolute nightmare.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Not one laugh the entire way through.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03On the way out, this guy stopped me, he had a camera and he said,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"Can I take your photo for the Tyrone Courier newspaper?"
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Yes, ladies,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I'm that guy, page 34.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16And I was like, "Course you can,"
0:26:16 > 0:26:19and thought, "Don't just stand there like the gig hasn't gone well.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"As a bit of a laugh, over-enthusiastically pose, right?"
0:26:23 > 0:26:25It didn't get a laugh but I posed like this, right,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28like big stupid grin, right? The thumbs-up.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And forgot about the gig, just left and did go home and forget about it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35About a week later, my mate James from Dungannon phoned me
0:26:35 > 0:26:37and said, "Are you sitting down?"
0:26:37 > 0:26:38I said, "Yeah."
0:26:38 > 0:26:41He said, "You're in the Tyrone Courier this week."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I'm living the dream, that's what I'm doing!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I said, "Is it just a bit of text as to who was in the competition,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"who won and that sort of thing?"
0:26:49 > 0:26:52He said, "No, no, no. It's a full-page photo of you
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"with the caption:
0:26:54 > 0:26:57"Shane Todd Tried To Make 'Em Laugh"!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Youse have been amazing, I'm Shane Todd, thank you very much.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Well, there you have it. Tonight, we've seen...
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- PHONE RINGS - Oh, sorry that's me..
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Well, there you have it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- Tonight, we have seen some of the moremost new comedians... - Cut!- What? What now?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- It's foremost. - What did I say?- Moremost.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Tonight, we've seen some of the moremost... I did it again. Sorry.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Tonight, we've seen some of the Mormons... One of the Mermen...
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Ethel Merman.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Foremost.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Well, there you have it. Tonight, we've seen...
0:27:32 > 0:27:34HOOVER WHIRS
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Well, there you have it. Tonight, we've seen some of the foremost
0:27:47 > 0:27:49new stand-up comedians this country has to offer,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and I know we'll be hearing a hell of a lot more from them
0:27:52 > 0:27:54in the very near future.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I've been Diarmuid Corr. Thanks for watching and, goodnight.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd