0:00:02 > 0:00:04MUSIC: "Pencil Full Of Lead" by Paulo Nutini
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# Ohhhh
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# I got a sheet for my bed and a pillow for my head
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# I got a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# I got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# So much more than I needed before
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# I got money in the meter and a two-bar heater
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Now it's getting hotter, oh, it's only getting sweeter
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# I got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Pot and a pan and some shoes for my feet
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# I got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth
0:00:36 > 0:00:38# A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock... #
0:00:38 > 0:00:40DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Eric, that's the door.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49- BOTH:- Hi!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- Come in, come in. Hi, Tony. - Hi, Mrs Baird.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Look at you, son!- Hiya, Mum. - Uh, Mrs Baird,
0:00:55 > 0:00:56is my car OK over there?
0:00:56 > 0:01:00What you doing parked up on the pavement? Pull it in to the driveway.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Mum, it's fine. - Would I not be wedging you in, then?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Away! I'll just get Eric to shift ours back. Eric!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- Eric!- Aye, I'm coming, I'm coming.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Oh, it's you, Ian. - All right, Dad?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Shift the car. Tony doesn't want to be parking out on the street.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh, no, no. Honestly, it's fine.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Mum...- Shh! It's no trouble, Tony. Eric, move it.- Right.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Look, I'll move it. Where's the keys?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Eric, back in, give the keys to Ian, let him.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24HE SIGHS
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I don't know. Nothing's ever straightforward with this lot, Tony. In you come.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Oh! We the first here?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Oh, no, there's a whole pile of folk in behind the curtain
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- playing hide and seek. - Is there?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Shut up, Eric! Tony, you sit there.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Actually, no, not there. There.- OK.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Eric, Tony's not got a drink.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49All right, OK, OK! What would you like, son?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52You can take your pick, I've been at the Costco.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55So, what do you fancy? I've got beer, whisky, vodka...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- Erm...have you got pear cider?- No.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- That's fine, I'll just have, um...- Gin.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Gin! Gin.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04So, how was your holiday?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Aye, it was good, aye. - What did you get up to?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Oh, there's just so much to see, isn't there?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12The Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Central Park.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Oh, my goodness!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Aye, but we didn't bother with any of that stuff.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18But we did go to that Ground Zero.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- HE SIGHS DEEPLY - I was in floods of tears.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- I mean, I was breaking my heart, wasn't I?- You were, yeah.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I mean, it's just the thought of all those poor people
0:02:26 > 0:02:29getting...squashed.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- And then we went for a pizza, though!- Yeah.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Cracking wee place round the corner,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38real Italians, and the portion sizes, honestly!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40You could choke a horse with them.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43And they did that thing where they twirl the dough in front of you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I said to him, "I hope that doesn't land on my head,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"otherwise I'll be asking for this garlic bread to be free!"
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Wasn't I? That's what... - You were, yeah.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55So, did you not go and see a show then?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Aye, you must have done Broadway as well?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Aye, we went to see Phantom Of The Opera.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Oh, brilliant.- Oh, aye.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Aye, but I had the squits, so we only saw half.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Never thought about Christmas in New York, Mr Baird?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Me? New York? Christ! I'm lucky to get a new pair of socks.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Right. Let's do pressies!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Aw, no, you shouldnae have bothered.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16This is the bit I like!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Spending your money. Daft.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Oh-ho! Oh-ho, what's this?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Oh, look... Oh, Beth, look at that.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Ralph Lauren. Huh?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- That is lovely. - And this one here, Mum,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- this is for you.- Oh, my God!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Eric, look at that.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Tony, pull his head through, will you?- No, no, I'm fine.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Is it not a bit neat for him? - Away. A bit neat!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- You should have got a large. - A large. Don't talk rubbish!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Maybe if you just help it over his tummy...
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Listen, it's fine! A large, for God's sake.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- What size is it?- Extra large.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Right, Mum, come on, you next.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02All right! I don't want to tear through the paper.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- It's beautiful paper. Look at that paper, Eric.- Aye.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Ohh...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, God.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14That is absolutely beautiful.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, Ian, and here's me needing a new handbag.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Eric, look at it, feel it!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Oh, aye.- That leather's like butter. I love it.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Thank you.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31We've got some duty free fags for Angus. Is he not home yet?
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- No, not yet.- He sent a text, said he'd be here before the bells.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Oh, well, good.- Get ready to party!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Oh, Christ, here it is, lock up your sons.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43No photos, please! At least not while I've still got my clothes on!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Ho, ho, ho, Auntie Caroline!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- How you doing, you big poof?- Oi!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Shut it, you. Listen, Tony, this is my Auntie Caroline,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Caroline, this is Tony.- Hiya.- Hiya.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- How you doing?- Pleased to meet you.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- When did you get here? - Oh, a few days ago, was it?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- A week.- Ah, whatever.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I was going to go back down on Boxing Day
0:05:02 > 0:05:06but London at this time of year is just mental. I needed a break.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07You've certainly got one here.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10For goodness' sake, look at this place, nothing's out.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13What is it, Hogmanay or a hunger strike?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Here, Tony, you've got a job on your hands with this one.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- What d'you mean? - Ach, just ignore her.- Eric!
0:05:20 > 0:05:25This one here, Tony, he's mad for it.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26- Mad for what?- Should we not...?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28He might have settled down a bit now,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31but I'm telling you this one's been places
0:05:31 > 0:05:32the Red Cross wouldn't go.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Right, Caroline, let's get you a drink!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You know what I've done? I've left them lying at the till.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- You're kidding me? - I was wishing a happy New Year to the wee lassie with a Santa hat.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44- Oh, Eric.- What's going on?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47He's went and left the crisps and the dips up by the till at Tesco.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50It's not my fault. It was the wee lassie, she just started chatting.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Christ, Eric, all you had to do was go to Costco,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55pick up the gazebo, drop the flowers off at the cemetery,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57nip into Superdrug and get me a pair of tights
0:05:57 > 0:06:00and then go to Tesco and get five packets of Kettle Chips,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02a big bag of Hula-Hoops and some peri-peri houmous.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- What's happening?- It's a nightmare. There's no crisps.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'm not bothered about crisps anyway.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09What about tonic water?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10- Did you get any of that?- No.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Right, get yourself back up there, Eric.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Need me to move my car?- No, you stay where you are, this is a party.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- You can't send him back up there. - Thank you.- Tesco's will be shut.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- TONY:- Oh, for the love of God!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Eric, what a naughty boy.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Tony, what are we like? You must think this is just madness!
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Right, well, I'll rustle something up and you get out there
0:06:29 > 0:06:31and finish sorting that gazebo, eh?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33You can get that new shirt off and all.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36He's been at that for hours, I've been watching from the window.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Total mess. Never seen anything like it. All sagging in the middle.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Gazebo's a state and all!
0:06:42 > 0:06:43THEY LAUGH
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Get it sorted, Tony might want a cigarette.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- I don't smoke. - You might start tonight, son.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:58 > 0:07:00DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY
0:07:00 > 0:07:02SHE SHRIEKS AND GIGGLES
0:07:04 > 0:07:05SHE SHRIEKS AGAIN
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- So good to see you. - How are you?- I'm fine.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Apart from my mum phoning every five minutes to check up on me.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Mine was getting all emotional there when I left.- What did she say?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"See, if I need to march you down to that family planning clinic
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- "on New Year's Day again, I'll wring your neck!"- Nice!
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- Listen, I've got a surprise. - Don't tell me! You waxed your feet!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27What? No.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28No, listen.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- I've got us a bottle of wine. - Aargh! Brilliant!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- I've got a surprise an' all. - What?- Oi!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- All right?- Evening, girls.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45So, when was the last time you were up here for New Year, then?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Ooh! Yonks.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I mean, I only really came to give your mum a hand.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Beth? Got any ice?
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- So, listen. What's the story with Tony, then?- I met him online.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- So you saw photos first? - Hey! Shut it! He's nice.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05He's funny, he makes me laugh.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Christ, Caroline, he took me to New York for my Christmas.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12So what happened all of that moving down to London stuff?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I don't know, I changed my mind a bit.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I've still got to save up and I'm worried about what my mum would say
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- because of Angus and if we're both away...- Tony doesn't want to.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Basically, yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Oh, well.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Beth! Ice!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Can I give you a hand, Mr Baird? - No, no, you're fine.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Read the instructions, have we?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Christ, you need instructions to read the instructions, son.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Where did you get it? Was it B&Q?- Uh-huh.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Ian loves B&Q. He takes after you, eh?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Gazebo. - HE CHUCKLES
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Gazebo.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Gazebo. It sounds funny, doesn't it? Just one of those words, like...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00..talc.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Talc.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05- Talc!- Jesus wept.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- Are you struggling there? - Very much so.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- You want me to just...? - No, no, no, look, no offence.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- No, honestly...- Son, I've been at this for over an hour.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15And it's no' as easy as it looks.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Yeah, I think if we just give it maybe just one...good... Oof!
0:09:21 > 0:09:22- Hmm!- I'll...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Thanks very much.- You're welcome.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30If...if she asks, it was me that sorted it, all right?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Ashley. Ashley!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I am going to get totally killed off my mum and dad if they find out.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Listen, what do you think of Maitland? He's hot, do you no' think?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- Just back off, Maitland, all right? Get off.- What? What?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- Where did you even meet them? - On the bus.- On the bus?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Listen, he was totally coming on to me.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Threw a chip at the back of my head
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and then asked me if I had any pants on.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I'm not comfortable with this whole thing.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Get off!- Oh, God!- Bingo.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Listen.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Gordy... I think he might be single.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11It's all right if I eat this ham, Sophie?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Right, here we go.- Here, Beth.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- You remember this? - This takes me back.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20MUSIC PLAYS: "Stuck In The Middle With You"
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Hey, Anton du Beke's got nothing on me, eh?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Aye, except for timing and a full head of hair.- Come on!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29That's enough. Tony, tangerine?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Oh, lovely. Easy peel.- Ian, tangy?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35No, I'm all right, thanks.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37DOORBELL RINGS Come on, hand them out. I'm coming!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I'm coming! I'm coming!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Only us, Beth! - Oh, Cathy, it's yourself.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Hi, Beth.- Hi, Colin.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Steak pie on the go, eh? - Aye, all done.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Oh, aye, we could smell it from outside.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Like the Bisto kids out on that front step, weren't we?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59We were, aye, snouts up to the wind.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02BOTH: Ah, Bisto!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- What are you like?- Where's Angus? Is he here?- No, not yet.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Hiya, Cathy! Come in. Colin. How you doing?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Oh, for the love of God, you never told me they were coming!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- Right, I'm off! - THEY LAUGH
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Here, Caroline, give us a quick kiss, eh?- Oh, hiya.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Let's get a look at you, missus, how are you?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26No, I don't like your hair like that.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- Hi! I'm Cathy.- Oh, sorry, Cathy, no, you've not met, have you?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Cathy, this is Tony. Tony is Ian's... - Friend.- Partner.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Hiya.- Eric, for God's sake, how many years have we known Cathy and Colin?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- It's all right, Eric, we all know. - God, aye, knew for years.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Even when he was a wee boy... - Anyway, so Tony is Ian's partner.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Pleased to meet you, Tony.- Hi, Tony.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49God, you wouldn't know, would you, looking at him?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Pleased to meet you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Aye, now, you can when he speaks.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Is that your car outside, is it, Tony?- Oh, yeah, it is.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- You want me to move it?- Uh-uh-uh!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You stay there and enjoy your tangerine.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03That's the Avensis he's got, Eric. That's the wee cousin to the Lexus.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- We've got the Lexus. - We do, aye, the hybrid.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's as quiet as anything, isn't it, Cath?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh, aye, you can hardly hear a thing.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Practically no sound from the engine at all.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I hit a dog last week, just cos the bloody thing couldn't hear me coming.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Very efficient. - Oh, aye, killed it instantly.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- Eric, Eric, come on, drinks for Cathy and Colin.- Coming right up.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And the gazebo's up if you're wanting a smoke.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27No, thank you, I've got my wee friend here.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30This is my wee stocking filler from Colin.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh, that and a voucher to get my veneers.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34So, who's drinking what? Caroline, what you having?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- She's fine. - Colin, where's that mulled wine?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- In your bag.- Oh, so it is.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45- Oh! Another Louis Vuitton.- Ian and Tony got me one from New York.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Oh, right. Colin got me this, didn't you?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51It's even got its own unique serial number to prove it's real.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Aye, it's the real deal. - I don't know if mine's got that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- You shouldn't have bothered. Eric! - Oh, right, you want me to open this?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01God, no. I'll have a vodka and Colin will have a whisky.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05So, what time's the soldier boy due then? Angus?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07He's on his way down from the base just now.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Is he coming from Inverness? - Uh-huh.- A9?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- I don't know.- Deathtrap.- What?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15That road is an absolute deathtrap.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Well, he shouldn't be too long now, anyways.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20The number of people that get killed there every year,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- it's terrible. They need to upgrade the whole lot.- Really?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24He said he'd be here for the bells, so...
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- See, it's something the green lobby just don't understand.- Oh, I know.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29So that'll be nice, eh?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I mean, once we were going up to the timeshare, remember, Cathy?
0:13:32 > 0:13:37That guy we saw getting cut out of the windscreen of a Volvo? Terrible.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Don't. Please don't.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47All right?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49You're looking really nice tonight, Mum.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- I'm awful glad you and Tony came. - Oh, absolutely. It's good.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It's nice to be with your own sometimes, isn't it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57At home with your nearest and dearest.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59That's what your gran always used to say.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02She used to say, "Beth, New Year's not New Year unless I've got
0:14:02 > 0:14:06"all my family around me and Caroline on the other end of a phone."
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Is that a malt you've got there, Eric?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Actually, I was planning to save that for when Angus gets back.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- You'll need to let it breathe. - Well, I...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Did I tell you about the malt I had down at Turnberry?- Good, was it?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Oh, it was lovely. It was 15-year-old, 12 quid a dram.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28It was peaty, but not too peaty.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It was just quite peaty.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Smoky but not too smoky. A wee bit of hickory but not too much...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Sounds lovely.- Aye, that with a dash of Diet Coke, it was smashing.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Any pets, Sophie?- No.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- I'm saving up for an iguana.- Right.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06My brother's got a milk snake, you see. That's what inspired me.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Right, this is shite, I'm heading into town.- What?!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- There's no drink. I'm offski.- Good.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Well, I'll stay if you want me to.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've got pictures on my phone of the snake.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Eating a bit of toast!
0:15:21 > 0:15:26- I'll just show yous out. - Soph! Soph, Soph, come on.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Help me out here.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- I really like him.- It's always the same with you, isn't it?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33The minute that there's a guy you like, I just get dropped.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34- No, you don't.- Yes, I do.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- No, you don't! When have I ever done that you?- T In The Park.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Oh, that was different, he had a tent.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oh, I love this one. Turn it up.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45MUSIC: "Perfect" by Fairground Attraction
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# Too many people
0:15:47 > 0:15:49# Take second best
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# But I won't take anything less
0:15:51 > 0:15:56# It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# Perfect! #
0:16:03 > 0:16:04So...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- you still down in London then, Caroline?- Yeah.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I could never move back up here. It's brilliant down there.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14See, the buzz, and the fact you can just be so anonymous.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17That's the thing here, everybody knows your business.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- God, I know, I couldn't stand it. - So Beth says you're single again.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Yeah, I'm not ready for settling, Cathy.- No.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Nah, I'm a free spirit, Cath. There's plenty more fish in the sea.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Does that mean you're back on the pill?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40So, have you just given up trying?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46SHE TUTS AND SIGHS
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- What did you do on Boxing Day? - Oh, nothing much, really.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Once I'd run my mother up the road it was, like, eight o'clock,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55and we were going to go out for something to eat
0:16:55 > 0:16:56but we had so much left.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00My mother's 85, you know, she just picks at stuff like a sparrow.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01They don't go in for the big portions
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- when they're that bit older, do they?- No, they don't.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08And, you know, we went and got a goose this year. £35 it cost us.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Oof!- Listen, you want to see
0:17:10 > 0:17:12what they were looking for the organic ones.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I says to Cathy, I says, "You're all right, I'll just have
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"one of the ones that runs about in the dark and eats its own shite."
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Ah, we just had a chicken. Beth did a chicken.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24A chicken.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You know, I tell you, see the meat, see the actual meat of a goose,
0:17:27 > 0:17:32it was...oh, it was tender, it was awful moist.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Practically melt in your mouth. - Well, it sounds nice, aye.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39If you want, we'll give you the remains, Beth can make you a curry.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Stick another malt in there, squire.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- Oh, here, Beth, that is a cracker. - Angus's favourite.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55He'll be getting stuck right into that tomorrow.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Just thought he'd be here by now. - Ohhh.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Every time he goes on tour, I just worry I'll never see him again.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02I know, I know.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I'm the same with Colin when he goes out to the golf in the winter.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- Beth, there's something I need to tell you.- What?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Now, listen.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Yous know how me and Colin value you and Eric's friendship.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Och, what's he done?- Eh?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18He's not been hiding bank statements in your bin again, has he?
0:18:18 > 0:18:23No, no, no, no, no! We've been neighbours a long time now, Beth.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24I remember the day you moved in.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I stood at that window there and I watched and I said to Colin,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"Look at this lot, look at the junk coming out of the back of that van!"
0:18:31 > 0:18:33That was a good few years ago, though.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Aye, you've still got a lot of same stuff though.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39But we just felt that tonight was the right time to tell you that...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- we're moving.- No!- We are.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45The Whytes are leaving Latimer Crescent!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Where are you going? - Don't worry, we're not going far,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49just somewhere a wee bit nicer.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Well, a lot bit nicer. Barshaw Drive.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Barshaw Drive? Oh, Cathy!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57One of the red sandstones.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- I don't know what to say. - Don't say anything.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Colin wants to keep it under wraps until it's all signed and whatnot.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06So this will be our last New Year together then?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Don't, you'll set me off!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Ohh...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh, heck, I'd better not start or my mascara will go
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- and this is the dear stuff I've got on.- Oh, Cath!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20DOORBELL RINGS Come on.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I need to get the door, Cath.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- Oh, Beth! - Right, there you go, come on.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Ohhh.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34SHE WHIMPERS
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh, OK. I'm OK.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46HE YELLS, SHE SCREAMS
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- It's only me! It's Henning!- Henning!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Henning and Nina! - Hello, Mrs Baird.- Call me Beth.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Honestly, look at you in that silly hat, you stupid bastard!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Can I speak with you outside? - Of course you can, pet.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I could not help but noticing that your recycling bin
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- is not being utilised properly. - Is it not?- No.
0:20:07 > 0:20:13- The wrapping paper from the presents should be in the blue bin.- Right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Otherwise it will not be recycled. - OK, right.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20If it's recycling you're looking for, come on through
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and hear a few of Eric's jokes.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Hello!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26ALL CHEER IN GREETING
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Oh, hiya!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- How you doing? - You'll know more or less everybody.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Cathy, Colin, you've met Ian,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35that's Tony, Ian's partner, and that's...
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- Hi, who's this?- Hello! I'm Henning. - Caroline, pleased to meet you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- God, you've got big hands, don't you?- Hello, Henning!- Hello, Cathy!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- What's with the kilt, big man? - Oh, do you like it?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Are you a true Scotsman, Henning? - No.- Boo!
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Nina, come on, go and get yourselves sat down. Look at the size of her.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59No, it's all right, Nina. It's electronic.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Here, I'll just give you a quick kiss, Nina, eh? Mwah! Other cheek.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- That's continental.- Who's got an empty glass? Who's drinking what?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Henning, you want a lager? - No, not for me.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- If you have any with the low alcohol?- Och, your baws, Henning!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- It's Hogmanay, get him a whiskey.- Good idea.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Here, Eric, don't drown it this time.- Nina, what are you having?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- She's pregnant, Beth, just get her a wine.- Just a water, please.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- So, where are you from? - We are from Norway.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Oh, Norway, that's up just near Sweden, yeah?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Rrr-r-r-r! It's Baltic up there.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- CATHY LAUGHS - Good one, Caroline,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35good one! Baltic.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37We were looking at cruises round the fjords, weren't we, Colin?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39We were, aye, we were.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Well, you know there are over 1,000 fjords in Norway.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Aye, they looked shite,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- so we're just going to do the Caribbean again.- The Virgin Islands.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Here, you'd no' get in there, eh?! - SHE LAUGHS
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Did you hear that, you'd no' get in!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Cos they know she's not a virgin.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- So how are you liking Scotland? - Well, I find that...
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- Henning, how are you liking it? - Oh, yes, it's nice, yes, very nice.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Apart from the litter and the dog dirt in the street.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12And the high cost of public transport, we can't complain.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Oh, a friend of mine from school
0:22:13 > 0:22:15ended up going out to work in Norway.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- What kind of work?- I don't know.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Well, there are not too many people from Scotland in Norway.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29- When there is football, they come. - Oh, aye, aye, the Tartan Army, eh?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31God love them, best fans in the world!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33ALL CHEER
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Yes, Nina once helped a man in the street with a flag who was
0:22:36 > 0:22:39lying in the gutter, choking on his own vomit!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Another top-up, Eric. So what is it you do, Henning?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Have you got a good job?
0:22:45 > 0:22:50- Quite well-paid, is it?- I am working now at the university as a lecturer.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- Ooh!- I was working in Oslo but I got headhunted.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58And I always say, it's really funny
0:22:58 > 0:23:02that I got headhunted by the Scottish, when many years ago,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05it was my ancestors who were hunting their heads! And raping, too!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07SHE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Dear me, that's funny!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Right, here's the drill.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22We go in there for five minutes, bag a few cans and that will be us.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Beer, beer, beer, beer!- Hey, hey! Put a lid on it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Remember, that's her neighbours.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30They've known her since she was a wee girl.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Show a bit of consideration. Sophie! Hurry up!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- She takes forever to get ready. - Are you sure you're all right doing this?
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Listen, I stole a belt from Fraser's. This is a piece of piss.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46In Norway, Christmas is the big party,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48New Year's Eve is not so popular.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- You see, here it's the other around. - That's right.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53We do celebrate Christmas in the traditional way.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56In fact, I bought Colin a beautiful big watch this year.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59But New Year is the big thing for us.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- Why is that, Cathy? - I don't know, Nina. It just is.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Although I have to say, it's not what it used to be.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I mean, it used to be that everybody left their doors lying open
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and everyone was in and out of each other's houses.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14All that stopped when the old dear at the end of the road got murdered.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16We still do first footing though, don't we?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Are you familiar with first footing?- Yes!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Is that like the birthday dumps?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27When you bash the other guy in the bum?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Bash the guy in the bum? Oh, for goodness sake, no, no!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34First footing's when you're the first person to come into someone's house in the New Year.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Ideally, a tall, blond, handsome stranger.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39And if you can't get one of them, you can always have Eric!
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Oh, thanks a bundle!
0:24:40 > 0:24:45And traditionally, you'd bring some coal and stuff.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- It's good luck, isn't it?- Yeah. - You've first footed us, Ian, haven't you?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Yeah, I did.- That was the year we had the burst pipe.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54And the other big tradition, New Year's Day,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- there's always the steak pie.- No!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Not more pastry!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01First, this is not so good.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I have written to the manager of the canteen at the university
0:25:04 > 0:25:07asking him why it must be there is so much pastry.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I make Henning rye bread to take with him.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I hate rye bread, Henning, I can't stand it. Oh, so boring!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17All this talking about food is making me hungry!
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- Oh, come on, I'll get you something. - No, no, no...- No, come on!- OK.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- Here, Nina, it'll be your turn for the party next year, eh?- Sorry?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Oh, aye, Nina, everybody takes a turn.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I don't think that would be for us.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33We are very private and I will have a baby by then.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It could be good fun, Nina. And we could get the babysitter.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Aye, get a babysitter, Nina.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41We have got hospitality here, it would be nice to return the favour.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- We don't have to do pie. You could cook fish, Nina.- Here, now.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Fish and chips is Scottish. You're not stealing that,
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Nina, you wee minx.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Aye, stick to your rye bread, love.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- Or I could roast a reindeer! - Henning, settle down.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- Leave him alone!- Did you hear that? He's going to roast a reindeer!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Here, Henning, you'll get a red nose after that, eh?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07THEY ALL LAUGH
0:26:07 > 0:26:09GLASSES CLINK
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Go on.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Cold meat, yoghurt, tinned tuna...
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Mrs Baird, I was wondering if I could ask you something.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Aye, fire away. - Well, I was wondering...
0:26:21 > 0:26:25What would you think if I asked Ian to marry me?
0:26:25 > 0:26:26What?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I want to ask Ian if he'll marry me.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Um, well, if you're sure, and...
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- Are you surprised? - No! Well, a wee bit. Gosh...
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Ian is the best thing that's ever happened to me, Mrs Baird.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Well, I suppose you'll know.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Listen, son, all we want is for our Ian to be happy
0:26:48 > 0:26:52and if that's with you, a man, so be it.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Come here and give us a hug. Oh!
0:26:56 > 0:27:00That's all that matters. If you boys are happy, we're happy.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Should I ask Mr Baird?- No.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Are you sure you don't want to see my snake?- Yep! Yep.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10DOORBELL RINGS
0:27:10 > 0:27:11BOTTLES RATTLE
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- Gordy!- Gordy! Shut up!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16That'll be Angus!
0:27:22 > 0:27:23All right?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27MUSIC: "Real Gone Kid" by Deacon Blue
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- Aye, cheers.- Soft drinks for them, Eric.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Surely they can have one. It's New Year, right, boys?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Come on!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Sophie, you allowed a drink?
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- I'm allowed.- Are you?- Aye. I've had my stomach pumped and everything.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Give them a shandy, Eric. Sophie, a shandy?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50We're fine with a Diet Coke or fruit juice or something.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- I won't tell your folks if you don't.- Jack and Coke, please.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- What about you, boys? You want a lager?- Aye.- Lager in the back.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Go help yourselves.- Yes!- Kerching!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- So, did your mum and dad get away all right?- Yeah.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- Is it Bristol they're going? - Yeah.- M6?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- Oh, I don't know.- Deathtrap.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Oh, Sophie, it's so nice to see you. Give us a wee hug!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Absolute deathtrap.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Oh, Sophie.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19- Whooo!- Sophie! This is Henning and Nina.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Have you not met Henning and Nina before?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Oh, your mum and dad probably know them. They're from Sw...
0:28:24 > 0:28:29- Where are you from again?- Norway. - Norway, that's it! This is Sophie.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31She's from next door.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34- Hello.- Hello! Hello.- Hello.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Here, come here.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I think your mum is lovely.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Just the way she copes with everything, you know, like,
0:28:42 > 0:28:46- Angus being away, and the whole crisp situation.- Yeah.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50- She's really made me feel like part of the family.- Oh, great.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Just don't tell my dad. He'll start getting jealous.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03See them two boys in there? Gay! THEY CHUCKLE
0:29:03 > 0:29:04All right there, lads?
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- Aye.- Aye.- Getting yourself a wee drink?- Aye.- Aye.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12So you not heading back in?
0:29:13 > 0:29:15- Aye.- Aye, OK.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18Nice arse, big boy.
0:29:21 > 0:29:26- Right, lady, you cool it! - Eh?- Oh, you know what I mean.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- Just take it down a notch. - Excuse me, I haven't done anything!
0:29:29 > 0:29:32I'm watching you, you're around him like a wasp at a picnic.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- Just cool it. - Ugh! Who shat in your handbag?!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42- So, are you having the baby here, then, are you, Nina?- Yes.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45But the hospital is not so good.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Outside everybody in dressing gowns smoking.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- That's ridiculous, isn't it, Colin? - Oh, aye, they'll be freezing.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57But just think, your wee baby will be a Scottish baby. Born here!
0:29:58 > 0:30:01Right, who's for another drink? Henning?
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Just a fizzy water for him.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Oh, come on, Nina, it's New Year.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09Aye, shut it, Nina! Another whisky for Henning.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10I must go to the toilet.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Oh, aye, up you get.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15That's the thing with being pregnant, isn't it?
0:30:15 > 0:30:17It's just one pish after another.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23You're not going to believe this but I'm still starving.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Are you?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Yeah, I mean, it's easy to say now
0:30:27 > 0:30:30but I should've had a bowl of cereal or something before we came out.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Why don't you just ask my mum for something?
0:30:32 > 0:30:34No, I can't do that. You ask.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- She won't mind.- No, you ask.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41- Mum?- Uh-huh?- Tony's a bit hungry.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43No. Peckish, a bit peckish.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45You said you were starving.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47Right, are you wanting me to make you a sandwich or something?
0:30:47 > 0:30:51A toastie? But I don't want to put you out, Mrs Baird.
0:30:51 > 0:30:52- CATHY:- Is that food on the go?
0:30:52 > 0:30:55No, Tony just said he was a bit hungry.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Oh, no, no, no, honestly. I can hold out.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01- I'm a bit peckish, coming to mention it. What about you young ones?- We're not staying.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03I'm staying if there's food on the go.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Here we are stood with our bellies rumbling
0:31:05 > 0:31:08and there's a steak pie through there that would feed the five thousand.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Aye, but that's for tomorrow.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12- CATHY:- Aw, you can rustle another one up for tomorrow, can you, no?
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Aye, what else are you doing?
0:31:14 > 0:31:16- COLIN:- You ever tasted her steak pie, lads?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19It's tremendous. Henning, steak pie, are you tempted?
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Listen, that pie...
0:31:21 > 0:31:25I had a look at it earlier, it's an absolute monster.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Listen! The lot of you listen to me!
0:31:28 > 0:31:33That pie is for tomorrow. New Year's Day.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35That is the tradition and we stick to tradition.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38If you all think I'm going through there to start
0:31:38 > 0:31:41cooking and serving up a pie
0:31:41 > 0:31:43only to start doing the same thing tomorrow,
0:31:43 > 0:31:46you've got another think coming, all right?
0:31:53 > 0:31:54Pie.
0:31:56 > 0:31:57Pie.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Pie.
0:32:01 > 0:32:06- BOTH:- Pie, pie, pie.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09ALL: Pie, pie, pie, pie!
0:32:09 > 0:32:15Pie, pie, pie, pie!
0:32:15 > 0:32:18Pie, pie, pie, pie!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Pie, pie, pie, pie!
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Pie, pie, pie, pie!
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Pie, pie, pie, pie!
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Here, Beth, give us a clean cloth
0:32:31 > 0:32:33to wipe the bird shit off these, would you?
0:32:35 > 0:32:38What? What are you looking at me like that for?
0:32:38 > 0:32:40- Shut the door.- What? - Shut the door.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48- What's the matter?- Are you taking the piss?- What do you mean?
0:32:48 > 0:32:53- I knew this would happen. I knew it. It's a shambles!- Oh, come on!
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Every time we have people in, Eric, it's the same.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58It's nearly as bad as your father's funeral.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Christ, that was such a disaster,
0:33:00 > 0:33:02I don't think even he'd come back and do it again.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- Here, hang on a minute... - I asked you to do one thing.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07One thing, Eric, but, oh, no,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10you're too busy chatting to some wee girl in a Santa hat.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12I was just wishing her a happy New Year.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Well, she's having a happy New Year all right with my Hula Hoops.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18What about the gazebo? You've been at that half the day.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22And it's the same one that Robert over the road had for his party.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24And he had it up in 20 minutes.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Well, he's a dab hand at that kind of thing.
0:33:26 > 0:33:27He's nine, Eric.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31And speaking of wee lads, you've barely said a word to Ian
0:33:31 > 0:33:34- since he got here. - Yes, I have.- Have you?- Aye!
0:33:34 > 0:33:37I asked him to shift off the bean bag while the other one was at the loo.
0:33:37 > 0:33:42That boy has come back to his family home to spend time with his family.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43And what does he get?
0:33:43 > 0:33:46A tangerine on a plate and you grunting back at him
0:33:46 > 0:33:49- every time he tries to make conversation.- This is you getting strung out now, isn't it?
0:33:49 > 0:33:53- You're uptight about Angus.- Aye, and that's your fault and all.
0:33:53 > 0:33:57- What, everything is just my fault? - Yes. No. Let me think about this.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01- Yes.- Oh, for God's... - I said it, Eric. I said it.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I said we should never let him go away and join the Army.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Beth, I tried.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Not hard enough.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11OVEN BEEPS
0:34:11 > 0:34:15And, just so you know, I will never ever forget your part
0:34:15 > 0:34:19in what I've been forced to do with that pie.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26That line there, that's your lifeline.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30Yours is nice and long and straight. That's good.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32And this line here...
0:34:32 > 0:34:33Oh...
0:34:33 > 0:34:35It means divorce.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Oh, sorry, Nina, I'm in your seat.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43Cathy, can you pull over that wee stool thing there for Nina?
0:34:46 > 0:34:50- So, yous two gay, then? - Yeah.- Right.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- Right, so how do you, like, know? - I don't know.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57- You just sort of know all your life. - It's just something you know.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Totally.
0:34:59 > 0:35:00It's just a natural thing,
0:35:00 > 0:35:02and that's what some people don't understand, innit?
0:35:02 > 0:35:06- Yeah.- So have yous NEVER rode lassies, then?!
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Jesus, how many have you had, mate?
0:35:12 > 0:35:15That's my fourth. Four cans I've had.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Aye, quatro lagers, walloped.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Don't even feel pished.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Well, actually, maybe five.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25Stuff's not bad, eh?
0:35:25 > 0:35:29- Sophie, you want a wee can?- No, I'm all right.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Bit of a lightweight, are you?
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Lightweight. Lightweight!
0:35:50 > 0:35:52You want to stop that smoking.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54- You want one?- Aye, go on.
0:35:57 > 0:35:58Ta.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Your...
0:36:08 > 0:36:09Your mother was saying to me,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11well, she as good as said to me
0:36:11 > 0:36:16that she thought I didn't like him. Tony.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- And the two of you together and that.- Oh, right.
0:36:19 > 0:36:24- A load of rubbish.- Is it? - Of course it is. I don't mind.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- Christ, I've got gay friends. - Where's your gay friends, Dad?
0:36:27 > 0:36:30- Down the golf club?- No, no, no, they wouldn't get in there.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34- But I do know some. Bernie. - Who's Bernie?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Oh, you know, wee pervy Bernie that used to run the van.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39And Peter Hillhouse. He was renowned.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43He was at your mum and I's wedding. Did all the floral arrangements.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48- You really don't have a clue, do you?- About what?
0:36:50 > 0:36:52It was always Angus with you, wasn't it?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54He was the favourite, he was the one that you liked
0:36:54 > 0:36:57because he liked the football, he liked the golf, he was a man,
0:36:57 > 0:36:59went off to the Army, all that stuff.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03But you've got no idea the kind of shite I had to put up with.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07All the names they called me when I was growing up, Dad.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10There's the poof, the gay boy, jobby jabber, fudge nudger.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13You tell me who said that to you, I'll sort them out.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16- Graham Robertson, that boy that lived next door to Nana.- Oh, him?
0:37:16 > 0:37:18I'm not going near him, he does judo.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27It was horrible, Dad.
0:37:29 > 0:37:30Horrible.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33But I'm over it.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38With no help from you whatsoever, by the way.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43But I am over it.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57- Right, what about a singsong? - Yeah!- Oh, no.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Henning, you got a song for us?
0:37:59 > 0:38:03- No, I cannot singing. - Come on, you must be able to do something, Herring.
0:38:03 > 0:38:08I could say an old Norwegian poem my grandfather once said to me.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11No, we won't have that. Right, Ian, singsong.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15- Do High On A Hill Stood A Lonely Goat.- Mum, I haven't done that in years!
0:38:15 > 0:38:19- What about you, Tommy, I bet you've got a nice voice.- Tony.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23I can't sing. I mean, I love singing, but he says I really am very bad.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27This is useless. Oh, you're a miserable bunch.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30- Right, right, right... - Oh, here he goes, here he goes.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Oh, God, wait till you hear him. He's something else.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Shush, shut up, everyone. Nina, shut it.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39# When it began
0:38:39 > 0:38:42# I can't begin to know it
0:38:42 > 0:38:46# But then I know it's going strong... #
0:38:46 > 0:38:49- What is that?- You'll get it by the chorus. You know this one.- No.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50Listen, just listen.
0:38:52 > 0:38:56# ..who would've believed you'd come along
0:38:56 > 0:38:58# Hands
0:38:58 > 0:39:01# Touching hands
0:39:01 > 0:39:04# Reaching out
0:39:04 > 0:39:06# Touching me
0:39:06 > 0:39:09# Touching you
0:39:09 > 0:39:13ALL: # Sweet Caroline
0:39:13 > 0:39:14# Oh, oh, oh... #
0:39:14 > 0:39:16God, I can't stand this.
0:39:16 > 0:39:20# Good times never seemed so good
0:39:20 > 0:39:24# I've been inclined... #
0:39:24 > 0:39:28FAINT SOUND OF COLIN SINGING
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Henning.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Henning.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46Henning.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52SHE MOANS
0:39:57 > 0:39:58Oh!
0:40:01 > 0:40:04CHEERING
0:40:05 > 0:40:09- Are you getting up to do us a song, Nina?- Do Bjork, Nina.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Bjork! Did you hear that?
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Good sense of humour, that boy, actually, don't you, son?
0:40:15 > 0:40:17You're one of they ones, aren't you?
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Seem as dull as shite when you meet you,
0:40:19 > 0:40:23- but quite funny when you get to know you.- What are you singing, Nina?
0:40:23 > 0:40:27I'm not singing anything. I am going to see where Henning is.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33Oh! Ooh!
0:40:33 > 0:40:34SHE GIGGLES
0:40:39 > 0:40:41HE SNORES
0:40:45 > 0:40:49- Right, your Royal Highness, are you getting up?- Oh, no. No, no.
0:40:49 > 0:40:53What are you talking about? It's New Year. Have you got a pulse?
0:40:53 > 0:40:55- Aye.- Ah, well, you're singing.
0:40:55 > 0:40:56Oh, God.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00ALL: Come on!
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Ian, you'll know this one.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08# I've been walking these streets so long
0:41:08 > 0:41:12# Singing the same old song... #
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Henning. Henning?
0:41:19 > 0:41:25Come downstairs. We need to go home now. I feel tired.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Henning.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33I don't like it here. Henning!
0:41:33 > 0:41:35# ..the compromising
0:41:35 > 0:41:40# On the road to my horizon
0:41:40 > 0:41:42# But I'm gonna be... #
0:41:42 > 0:41:46Mrs Baird, please come, I think Henning is stuck in the toilet.
0:41:46 > 0:41:47Oh, for the love of Christ.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49ERIC HOLDS A HIGH NOTE
0:41:49 > 0:41:54# Yes, like a rhinestone cowboy... #
0:41:55 > 0:41:57- I don't know that. - You do know it!- I don't.
0:41:57 > 0:42:02# ..a star-spangled rodeo... #
0:42:03 > 0:42:06Right, let's see what's going on.
0:42:06 > 0:42:07Move yourself, Nina.
0:42:07 > 0:42:08Get your bump out of the road.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Henning, Henning!
0:42:12 > 0:42:13KNOCK ON THE DOOR
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- He's maybe spewing, Nina.- Spew...?
0:42:18 > 0:42:21Spewing. Spewing. Bleugh! Being sick.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26CHEERING
0:42:26 > 0:42:30- There you are. That do ya? - Right, who else is doing something?
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Come on. Bip-bip-bip-bip...
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Oh, Sophie. Away and get your clarinet.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Yeah! Your clarinet!
0:42:37 > 0:42:40No, I chucked that ages ago, Mrs Whyte, I was crap at it anyway.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43- That didn't stop Eric singing. - Oh, very good.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46Here, your mother's a good singer, isn't she?
0:42:46 > 0:42:50Remember the year with the party at your house? Now, that was a party.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53Yeah. Was that the year that you were sick in the bidet
0:42:53 > 0:42:55and Mrs Baird went to stay in the Travelodge?
0:42:55 > 0:42:57Well remembered.
0:42:58 > 0:43:02Here, Cathy, shall we not be getting stuck in a bit of that pie?
0:43:02 > 0:43:07- Oh, my God, yes!- Away and help her, Sophie. On you go. You too, pet.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11And, remember, just keep some for me, right?
0:43:13 > 0:43:15OK, boys. That's the ladies out the room.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18- You want to hear a couple of jokes?- Aye.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21First off, two nuns and a climbing frame.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25I used to be able to open this from outside
0:43:25 > 0:43:27when the boys were in there playing with themselves.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32DOOR RATTLES FURIOUSLY
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Here's another one for yous. Here's another one.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48This wee mouse is walking through the jungle, right...
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Don't say another word! I need to get a top-up.
0:43:53 > 0:43:54So, do you stay nearby?
0:43:54 > 0:43:56Aye, just up at the flats near the roundabout.
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Oh, aye. What does your dad do?
0:43:59 > 0:44:00He's not working just now,
0:44:00 > 0:44:02but he's got something lined up starting January.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04That's good, that's good.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07Yeah, he's going to strip out Gilchrist's, you know,
0:44:07 > 0:44:11- the refrigeration place. - Gilchrist's?- Yeah, do you know it?
0:44:11 > 0:44:12I work there.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16- I'm the plant manager.- Oh, right.
0:44:16 > 0:44:19You've got something else lined up then, yeah?
0:44:19 > 0:44:22Lined up? What...?
0:44:22 > 0:44:26Colin, your pie awaits, m'lord.
0:44:31 > 0:44:32BANGING
0:44:35 > 0:44:36BANGING
0:44:39 > 0:44:41Henning. Henning!
0:44:41 > 0:44:43Ow! You do it, Nina.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04He's pissed. Henning! Henning!
0:45:04 > 0:45:07- He's not used to drinking so much. - Henning!
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Henning, kan du hora meg?
0:45:09 > 0:45:12Right, love, there's no need for that. He's just a bit pissed.
0:45:12 > 0:45:16We'll get him something to eat, sober him up. Steak pie!
0:45:16 > 0:45:19- Pie!- Pie, Henning!
0:45:19 > 0:45:20Steak pie!
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Steak pie, Henning!
0:45:22 > 0:45:25Steak pie! Cover up his bits, Nina.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07Oh, there's not much meat in it.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10Eric, could you get us a draining spoon?
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Oh, for goodness' sake, look at the size of it.
0:46:12 > 0:46:14- Can I get a picture with it?- What?
0:46:14 > 0:46:18- Can I get my picture with the pie? - Right, well, give us your phone.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21It's next door, on the nest of tables.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24Could you get us another knife? It's a silly, wee, cheap knife.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27Oh, God, it's a bit burnt round the edges.
0:46:27 > 0:46:29She's had the oven up too high.
0:46:29 > 0:46:32Colin, what are you wanting with it?
0:46:32 > 0:46:36- Colin!- Eh?- What are you wanting with it? Dijon?- No.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38That do you, Cathy?
0:46:38 > 0:46:41That's us!
0:46:41 > 0:46:43Would you like your picture taken with me and the pie, Mr Baird?
0:46:43 > 0:46:45Er, no, you're fine, son.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49Eric, could you get us a fish slice? This draining spoon's shite.
0:46:49 > 0:46:50Just pour mine on.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52Right, that's Henning up in the spare bed.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54He's absolutely arseholed.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56Is he not wanting any pie?
0:46:56 > 0:46:59He's in no state for steak pie, Cathy.
0:46:59 > 0:47:01Jesus, it's a bit parky out there.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03Steak pie, missus?
0:47:03 > 0:47:06Cathy, let me do it. Come on.
0:47:06 > 0:47:07No, you're all right.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10- No, you're all right, let me do it. - No, you're fine.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13No, let me do it. Cathy! Out of the way!
0:47:16 > 0:47:18- Right who's still not got?- Me.
0:47:19 > 0:47:22Eric, do you think you could stop stuffing your face for two minutes
0:47:22 > 0:47:24and find me a proper serving spoon?
0:47:24 > 0:47:26This is absolutely delicious, Mrs Baird.
0:47:26 > 0:47:27That's good.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Any chance of a bit more?
0:47:30 > 0:47:32Of course.
0:47:32 > 0:47:34Beth, don't forget to leave some for Angus.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37Oh, right enough.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52Right, you lot, come on, that's the bells. Hurry up!
0:47:52 > 0:47:55BIG BEN CHIMES ON TV
0:47:55 > 0:47:56Hurry up, hurry up!
0:47:58 > 0:48:00Everybody got a drink?
0:48:00 > 0:48:05Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
0:48:05 > 0:48:10five, four, three, two, one!
0:48:10 > 0:48:13ALL: Happy New Year!
0:48:17 > 0:48:18Happy New Year!
0:48:18 > 0:48:20Happy New Year.
0:48:28 > 0:48:32Oh! I love you!
0:48:33 > 0:48:35Ian...
0:48:36 > 0:48:38Would you marry me?
0:48:39 > 0:48:43- This is our year, eh?- Aye.
0:48:43 > 0:48:47All right, the lot of you, come on, it's Auld Lang Syne!
0:48:47 > 0:48:50Come on, you young 'uns.
0:48:50 > 0:48:52# ..to mind
0:48:52 > 0:49:01# Should old acquaintance be forgot for the sake of auld lang syne... #
0:49:13 > 0:49:14Remember when you were a wee boy,
0:49:14 > 0:49:16we used to listen for all the boats from the Clyde
0:49:16 > 0:49:18all blowing their horns?
0:49:21 > 0:49:25Come on, folks, you have to be quick if you want to hear them.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29Oh, what the hell's happened to this?
0:49:29 > 0:49:32Oh, give me a hand to shift it, come on.
0:49:32 > 0:49:36Oh, bloody hell. That was Tony.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38It was him that put it up.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40All right?
0:49:42 > 0:49:45FIREWORKS WHISTLE OVERHEAD
0:49:48 > 0:49:49DOORBELL RINGS
0:49:58 > 0:49:59Listen!
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Is that one? Shush, listen.
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Shhh!
0:50:07 > 0:50:09I can't hear a bloody thing.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11- HE BELCHES - God, I'm sorry.
0:50:11 > 0:50:13I'm not going to drink another thing.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16- All right?- Angus?
0:50:16 > 0:50:19- Angus! Oh, my God! - Where did you spring from?
0:50:19 > 0:50:21I was at the front door, but nobody answered.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24That's your stupid father, dragging us all out here.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Aw, Angus. Good to see you, son.
0:50:26 > 0:50:28Hello, Angus, darling!
0:50:28 > 0:50:31- Auntie Caroline.- How come you're so late? You missed the bells.
0:50:31 > 0:50:33Did you have trouble getting down that A9?
0:50:33 > 0:50:35He's home safe now, and that's all I'm worried about.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Angus, let's get a look at you.
0:50:38 > 0:50:39You seem different.
0:50:39 > 0:50:42Mind you, they do say that killing folk can change you.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45Have you killed many people?
0:50:45 > 0:50:47For God's sake, leave the boy alone, he's just got home.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50Christ, I'd rather face the bloody Taliban than you lot.
0:50:50 > 0:50:52Give your mum a cuddle. That's you home now.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55Home safe, good lad.
0:50:55 > 0:50:56Aww, look at that.
0:50:56 > 0:51:02You! You are a slut! A slut!
0:51:04 > 0:51:08She tried to mont Henning. She tried to mont him, Mrs Baird.
0:51:08 > 0:51:12- Nina! - She was trying to mont him.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14What's she saying? I can't understand a word.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17Mounting. I think she's saying she mounted him.
0:51:17 > 0:51:18Get her off me!
0:51:18 > 0:51:21Nina, this is no way for a pregnant lady to behave.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23Come on!
0:51:23 > 0:51:24GLASS SMASHES
0:51:24 > 0:51:27Oh, God! What's happened?
0:51:27 > 0:51:30- What have you done?- I'm fine, it's just a bit of glass.
0:51:30 > 0:51:32Ian, go and get some kitchen roll.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35- Nina, what were you thinking? - She's mental.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38He's just back from Afghanistan, Nina.
0:51:38 > 0:51:42I can't help it if a guy finds me attractive.
0:51:45 > 0:51:46- That'll do!- That's enough!
0:51:46 > 0:51:49Let's keep it nice.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51Eric, get her out and get Henning out of that bed an' all.
0:51:51 > 0:51:52I'm not having this.
0:51:52 > 0:51:54Just go home, Nina!
0:51:54 > 0:51:59You're coming in here with all that...chat.
0:51:59 > 0:52:02Unbelievable.
0:52:03 > 0:52:04As for you...
0:52:04 > 0:52:06Don't you start on me.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09I invited you up here because I felt sorry for you.
0:52:09 > 0:52:12I thought, "She's family, can't have her sitting on her own
0:52:12 > 0:52:15"down in London. I'll invite her up, it's New Year's Eve.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17"What's the worst that could happen?"
0:52:17 > 0:52:19You'd get pissed and try and shag
0:52:19 > 0:52:23my nice, innocent, gentle Norwegian neighbour!
0:52:23 > 0:52:26That is outrageous! I'm meant to be a guest here.
0:52:26 > 0:52:29Ian, did you hear what she just said?
0:52:29 > 0:52:31She's right, Caroline.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34- What do you mean? - You are a nightmare.
0:52:34 > 0:52:35Come on, now.
0:52:35 > 0:52:38Look, it's New Year, we've all just had a wee bit too much to drink.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41Shut up! Shut your big, fat face.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45If it's not what we spent on this, that or the other,
0:52:45 > 0:52:48it's on and on about your next frigging holiday.
0:52:48 > 0:52:51Well, I tell you where you're off to now, pal - home.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53And you can take her with you.
0:52:53 > 0:52:56I'm absolutely speechless.
0:52:56 > 0:52:57Well, there is a God, then.
0:52:57 > 0:53:00Well, let me just say one thing to you, Beth.
0:53:00 > 0:53:04After this, I will not be sorry to say goodbye to you as a neighbour.
0:53:04 > 0:53:07In fact, we'll be glad to move, won't we, Colin?
0:53:07 > 0:53:10- Colin?- Well, let's not be too hasty about this, you know?
0:53:10 > 0:53:13Get out. All of you, get out.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15Get out now! That's it.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17All of you.
0:53:17 > 0:53:21Not you, Tony, you idiot! Come back here. Out! Everybody, out!
0:53:21 > 0:53:23I thought this was going to be shite,
0:53:23 > 0:53:25but I've had a great time.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28Oh, by the way, I think there's some sick behind your couch.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39I mean, we have given up our New Year to go in there,
0:53:39 > 0:53:41and what thanks do you get?
0:53:41 > 0:53:45The mulled wine, did we get a thank you? No.
0:53:45 > 0:53:50I was left, on more than one occasion, with my glass empty.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53If it hadn't been for the half bottle in my bag,
0:53:53 > 0:53:55I'd have been up and down like a yo-yo.
0:53:55 > 0:54:00And, to cap it all, she left me to get my sleeves rolled up
0:54:00 > 0:54:01and cook a steak pie.
0:54:01 > 0:54:06I mean, some people, Colin, just don't have any class.
0:54:11 > 0:54:14God! Some lump of a guy, that Henning, eh?
0:54:14 > 0:54:16- Is he all right?- Aye, he'll be fine.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18Did you get him up to his bed OK?
0:54:18 > 0:54:21No, I just left him sitting in the porch, being sick into his hat.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Dramarama, eh?
0:54:23 > 0:54:26Excuse me, I'm not being rude or anything, but who is he?
0:54:26 > 0:54:28This is Tony. He's Ian's...
0:54:28 > 0:54:30He's my fiance.
0:54:30 > 0:54:31Really?
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Aye.
0:54:33 > 0:54:38- Well, congratulations, bro!- Thanks. - That's brilliant!
0:54:38 > 0:54:40Well, er, I think we should drink to that, eh?
0:54:40 > 0:54:43Here, Eric, where's the good stuff?
0:54:43 > 0:54:46See, if you and Billy Big Balls have spent the whole night
0:54:46 > 0:54:50guzzling your way through that good malt, I am...
0:54:50 > 0:54:52Beth, calm yourself.
0:54:52 > 0:54:55- This is the good stuff.- Eh?
0:54:55 > 0:54:57Well, I knew Colin would be straight in after it,
0:54:57 > 0:54:58so I switched them round.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01He's been drinking the cheap shite all night.
0:55:01 > 0:55:02ALL LAUGH
0:55:03 > 0:55:05Happy New Year.
0:55:05 > 0:55:07ALL: Happy New Year!
0:55:13 > 0:55:15# Oh, I got a sheet for my bed And a pillow for my head
0:55:15 > 0:55:18# I got a pencil full of lead And some water for my throat
0:55:18 > 0:55:20# I've got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat
0:55:20 > 0:55:22# So much more than I needed before
0:55:22 > 0:55:24# I got money in the meter and a two bar heater
0:55:24 > 0:55:27# Now it's getting hotter Oh, it's only getting sweeter
0:55:27 > 0:55:29# I got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair
0:55:29 > 0:55:31# Pot and a pan And some shoes on my feet
0:55:31 > 0:55:33# I got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth
0:55:33 > 0:55:36# A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock
0:55:36 > 0:55:38# I got food in my belly and a licence for my telly
0:55:38 > 0:55:40# And nothing's going to bring me down. #