0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:12OK, so I'm just going to pull this strip gently. Are you ready?
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Yeah, OK.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26OK, so I'm just going to pop a little bit of this on your head.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50One last thing now. Close your eyes.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Ooh.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Be funny, OK?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Yeah. Thanks.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Ooh!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07The lights are fading. You're thinking,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10"The show's starting. I should have gone for a piss."
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Well, it's too late.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16The show has already started, so without further to-do,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19would you please welcome to the stage a man who you may have seen
0:01:19 > 0:01:22at the British Comedy Awards 2012,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24winning sod all.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28A man who has been in two films,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31neither of which have ever been released
0:01:31 > 0:01:34and a man, although he's the only person
0:01:34 > 0:01:36playing the Harrogate Theatre this evening,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38got given dressing room two.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Yes, please welcome a man who's too tight to employ a support act,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48a man who, himself, should probably have gone for a piss
0:01:48 > 0:01:51before the show started.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Here he is, a man who has to do his own offstage announcements.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Andy Parsons.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Oh, yes, very exciting. Very, very exciting, ladies and gentlemen.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Here, at Harrogate Theatre.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25CHEERING
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Yes, seven people are as excited as I am.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34One of the finest theatres opposite a Marks & Spencer's,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36very close to an Argos,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40and a Primark that any man could hope to play.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And you, the good people of Harrogate,
0:02:44 > 0:02:48apparently you drink to more hazardous levels
0:02:48 > 0:02:53and watch more porn than anywhere else in the UK.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01And you like to clap yourselves.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05So we thought, given those two facts,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08we thought it would be a perfect place to film the DVD.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Yes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Obviously, you may come across, during tonight's performance,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19the resident ghost, which is apparently called Alice.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Often manifests herself as a smell in the corridor.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29So if you do have a little bit of wind, save it till the interval,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31you should be in the clear.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38But relax. Relax, I'm not expecting too much.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43I realise we live in difficult economic times.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Obviously, people still blaming the banks,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and for very, very good reason.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50But let's face it, even before the banking crisis,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52we didn't really like banks that much
0:03:52 > 0:03:54cos we don't tend to have very positive relationships
0:03:54 > 0:03:56with our banks.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00As an example, I was recently trying to pay a tax bill online.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Yeah, cos some comedians do pay their taxes.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Let me tell you,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13that would have got nothing in Greece, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17So I was trying to pay this tax bill, right?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20And there was a problem, so it said I needed to phone up my bank.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21So I phone up my bank,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23and it's one of those automated systems
0:04:23 > 0:04:25where you have to put in a couple of digits of your pass code,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27so I put in two digits of my pass code,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29hoping to get through to the advisor, but oh, no,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31it's options, then further options,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34then more options and finally I get through to an advisor
0:04:34 > 0:04:35and the first thing she says is,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"Please could you put in two digits of your pass code?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:41So now when I phone up the bank and it asks me initially
0:04:41 > 0:04:44to put in two digits of my pass code, I get them wrong
0:04:44 > 0:04:47because, get this, then you get straight through to an advisor.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Ah!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53So this advisor, she says to me, "Ah, Mr Parsons,"
0:04:53 > 0:04:55she says, "I can see exactly what the problem is," she says.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57"You are trying to pay by debit card.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"Mr Parsons, I need to tell you, when you pay by debit card,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"we have limits in place to prevent fraud,"
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and I said, "Well, you know it's not fraud, don't you?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07"Cos we've obviously spent the last five minutes verifying
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"I am who I say I am and, what is more,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"you obviously don't think it's fraud, do you?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"Cos you keep referring to me as Mr Parsons."
0:05:15 > 0:05:19"And, what is more, in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"to defraud anybody else by paying their fricking tax bill for them?"
0:05:30 > 0:05:34She said, "Mr Parsons, if you insist on paying by debit card,
0:05:34 > 0:05:35"it should be fine.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"You will just need to pay in a series of instalments."
0:05:38 > 0:05:41So I said, "So, you're quite happy to be defrauded,
0:05:41 > 0:05:42"just over a number of days."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48She said, "I'm not authorised to answer that.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52"I can merely repeat we have limits in place to prevent fraud."
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I said, "Look, you know it's not fraud, don't you?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57"Not only have I answered all the questions you've got in front of you,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00"I can throw you some bonus questions as well.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"Not only do I know my mother's maiden name,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06"I know my grandmother's maiden name and all my fricking cousins as well."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"Well," she said, "Mr Parsons, I should warn you,
0:06:10 > 0:06:15"we record these telephone conversations for training purposes."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I said, "Well, I don't think they'll be using this one."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"No, cos if they do, they'll learn sod all."
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Well, at this point she said,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"I think I may have to get my supervisor to give you a call back."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30So, lo and behold, five minutes later
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I get a call back from the supervisor.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"Hello, is that Mr Parsons?" "Yes, it is Mr Parsons."
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Hello, it's the bank supervisor here.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40"I just need to ask you a couple of security questions."
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I said, "But you phoned me up.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"Surely I'm the one who should be asking the questions.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"Surely you've got some quite good security answers about me already,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"given that you've phoned my home phone number
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"and I am specifically waiting for your call.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"Of course, there's a very good chance I am, in fact,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"a burglar who's just picked up the phone on the off chance
0:07:00 > 0:07:02"that there might be a bank on the other end of the line
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"being a bit loose with some account details."
0:07:13 > 0:07:16He said, "Mr Parsons, what I'm going to do,"
0:07:16 > 0:07:19he said, "is I'm going to put you through to our fraud team.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"They will clear your card, put you back to me,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"and we'll be able to proceed."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I said, "But how will I know it's the fraud team?"
0:07:28 > 0:07:31"Why don't you put yourself through to the fraud team,
0:07:31 > 0:07:32"you clear my debit card, get back to me?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"I've still got some burgling to do."
0:07:38 > 0:07:41He said, "Mr Parsons, before I put you through,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"is there anything else I can help you with?"
0:07:46 > 0:07:47I said, "Given your record so far,
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"that seems unlikely but please keep talking.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"I think I might be able to get a routine out of this."
0:08:03 > 0:08:09To which he replied, "I think I recognise your voice,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11"are you that comedian bloke?"
0:08:11 > 0:08:13To which I said, "I'm terribly sorry,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"I'm not authorised to answer that."
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Oh, yeah.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30You know, let's face it, people get frustrated with me.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I'm accident prone. Yeah.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I recently almost got run over by a bus,
0:08:36 > 0:08:40which was definitely careless cos I was actually on a bus at the time.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It was one of those Routemaster buses, you know,
0:08:42 > 0:08:43you can come off the back, right?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45And he was going really, really slowly
0:08:45 > 0:08:46past exactly where I wanted to go.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I thought, "This is too good an opportunity to miss."
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Now, with hindsight,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54maybe it wasn't going quite as slowly as I thought it was.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Either that, or just as I was about to jump off,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59the old bus driver could see me in his rear view mirror and he thought,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"Right, I'm going to fuck him up."
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Also with hindsight, right, if I ever jump off a bus again,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I will jump off in the direction the bus is travelling
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and run alongside for a little bit
0:09:11 > 0:09:14until the momentum of the bus has worn off.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16As it was, I jumped off the back.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18For a split second, I thought I'd been pretty cool
0:09:18 > 0:09:22and a split second later I was going arse over tit
0:09:22 > 0:09:23in front of an entire bus queue
0:09:23 > 0:09:27who thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30And you can imagine, you've just cartwheeled on the road, right?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32You've gone bang, you've hurt yourself quite badly,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35your watch has come off, you're rolling around, right?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36You put your watch back on.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45They'll never notice on the DVD.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52And there I was, right, lying in the road and I look up.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Nothing is more distressing, let me tell you,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56when you've just cartwheeled on the road,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00to see an entire bus queue absolutely pissing themselves,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and if that wasn't enough, suddenly there was a screech of tyres
0:10:03 > 0:10:05and I looked round, right, and a car had pulled up, right?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08It was a taxi and I thought, "He's seen me fall off the bus,
0:10:08 > 0:10:09"he's going to help me."
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Oh, no. Typical London. Beep! Beep!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I thought, "Oh, my God, what am I going to do?"
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I thought, "I'm going to have to front this out," right?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20So, I struggled to my feet, yeah?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21I bowed to the bus queue.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I bowed to the taxi driver and then I went round the corner
0:10:25 > 0:10:27and had a little cry.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Oh, yeah.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Yeah.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Cos I'm one of those people who struggle to complete anything, right?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I bought myself a guitar.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I learnt to play a chord, it hurt my fingers, I give it up.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I learnt to ride a unicycle,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49but there's no brakes on a unicycle and I live on a hill.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I tried fire breathing.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I inhaled and then burped.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02If I'm absolutely honest, the only reason I got into stand-up comedy
0:11:02 > 0:11:03was I loved the lifestyle.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You didn't have to do anything during the day,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08you had to normally do about 20 minutes' work in the evening
0:11:08 > 0:11:10and they gave you free booze.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13And admittedly, occasionally, you have to deal with an audience,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15but that's usually great fun.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19My favourite heckle ever, woman shouted out, "Stop talking.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"I'm going to wee myself."
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Right, I was thinking, right, what other jobs I quite fancy.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I was thinking I quite fancy wind farmer. Oh, yeah.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I think out of all the farmer jobs, that's got to be the best, hasn't it?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40You know, five o'clock in the morning, cock crows, out of bed,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43check the wind's blowing. Yes, it is, brilliant. Back to bed again.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Alternatively, five o'clock in the morning, cock crows, out of bed.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Wind's not blowing. Nothing I can do about it.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Back to bed again.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Oh, yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02But if I have got things to do, right,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04if I have got things to do, I like to write a list.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You think you've done something then, don't you?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08But even better than writing the list, oh!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Crossing something off the list. You know you've done something then.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14You can have yourself a little treat then, can't you?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Have a cup of tea. Yeah.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17But the secret, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19is to write "Make tea" on the list.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Write "Make tea" on the list, make the tea, have the tea,
0:12:24 > 0:12:25cross it off the list.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Cos we always like to think,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"Oh, technology, that saves us time," but usually technology
0:12:35 > 0:12:39is just a brilliant new way of wasting more time, yeah?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Take your phone, right?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Your phone now, you can check your e-mails, check your texts,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44check Facebook, check Twitter, right?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Whichever one you check first, you think,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"I've not checked that for five minutes,"
0:12:48 > 0:12:49you can check it all over again.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52You think you've done something, but in reality you've done nothing.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54It is the equivalent of, every five minutes,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57going up and opening your front door to see if there's anybody there
0:12:57 > 0:13:00and then having a little walk back again.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09But if, like me, you are a fan of a late start, right,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I have just had a shock to the system
0:13:11 > 0:13:13cos I've just had a child, ladies and gentlemen,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and let me tell you, as any parents in the audience will know,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19trying to do very little when you've had a kid is extremely difficult
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and if you do succeed in doing very little when you have a child,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24sooner or later they tend to take the child away from you.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Which slightly goes against why you had a kid in the first place,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35cos our society can take a lot of things now, can't it, you know?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37They've got more relaxed about various things.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Drug use, divorce, but child neglect?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41That's still a social taboo, isn't it, eh?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You've got to love kids.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Obviously not too much.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48That's another social taboo right there, isn't it?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51But even when it comes to that, I was thinking, "I'm not strictly moral."
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Cos there was that story, wasn't there?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Maths teacher on the south coast,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57he ran away with one of his 15-year-old pupils over to France
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and I was following that story, I thought, "That's terrible."
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Then there was another story,
0:14:01 > 0:14:0526-year-old female PE teacher shagging one of her 15-year-olds
0:14:05 > 0:14:08and there was me thinking, "Well, where was she when I was at school?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:18So you'll be pleased to hear I've had a good hard look at myself,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20tried to work out why I was having this child,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24and I came to the conclusion that it was probably selfish reasons.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You know, I didn't want to wait so long that I couldn't,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29in fact, have a child, cos you see these stories in the press now,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31don't you, people, like, aged 70, having babies.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33You think, "Oh, no, that's too old."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You don't want to be a kid struggling to walk,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38suddenly realising that your parents are in exactly the same state.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44And there was, I'll admit, there was just a little bit of me that thought,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Wouldn't it be nice, when I'm really, really old,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"to have at least one person I know who can wipe my arse?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:54No, I realise it's not the most positive reason to have a child
0:14:54 > 0:14:56but fair's fair, I'm wiping his arse now.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58In 40 years' time, he may have to wipe my arse
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and my arse then - much bigger than his arse now, therefore I win.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I get the feeling one or two of you may be judging me
0:15:10 > 0:15:12at the moment, ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17But let's face it, let's face it, I could be a worse father, couldn't I?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19A lot of comedians, they just seem to use their kids
0:15:19 > 0:15:21very callously as sources of material.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Now, I have far too many embarrassing stories
0:15:24 > 0:15:27about myself without shopping members of my family.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I'm a dreamer, ladies and gentlemen. So maybe, right,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32let's say there's been a disaster on the news,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34let's say there's been a plane crash, right?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37But only one person has survived and I'll be watching that story
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and I'll be thinking, "Oh, yeah, that one person would have been me."
0:15:42 > 0:15:43And I think, "Why do I think that?"
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I'm not very strong, I've got no medical skills,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48no survival knowledge, I'm not very good in a crisis.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I'm weak willed, I have a tendency to panic and my one
0:15:52 > 0:15:55and only true ability is my ability to fantasise how good
0:15:55 > 0:15:59I would be in situations I've never found myself in.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01As an example of my ability to deal with a crisis,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I recently went parachuting.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Now, for those of you who have been parachuting will know, they tell you
0:16:06 > 0:16:09when you jump out that plane, shout, "1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000."
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I jumped out that plane, I shouted, "Fuck," all the way down.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I had some friends on the ground, right?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I said to them after, I said, "Could you tell which one was me?"
0:16:23 > 0:16:26They said, "We could hear you from about halfway down."
0:16:30 > 0:16:34And because I can get stressed out, I always think I have to walk
0:16:34 > 0:16:37a narrow tightrope between boredom and excitement, right?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Oh, that's a little too boring for me,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I need a little bit more excitement.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Hang on, I need to go back a little the other way...which is why
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I don't think eight-hour tantric sex is for me.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I suspect for a good proportion of that, I'd be bored
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and then when it came to the climax, I'd probably have a heart attack.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00And people go, "Well, what a way to go." No.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04I don't think you want to get rigor mortis with your cum face on.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And the thing is, ladies and gentlemen, I suspect
0:17:19 > 0:17:22if you remember nothing else from tonight's show...
0:17:22 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:33But because I can get stressed out,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I always think if there's a little bit of pampering ever,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38you know, if it's being offered, well, you know, I deserve it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40So let's say you're in a hotel,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42there's a bit of massage going on, you think,
0:17:42 > 0:17:43"Oh, I'll have a bit of that,"
0:17:43 > 0:17:46so I treated myself to a little foot massage, right?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Yeah, it was a good one. Yeah, it was a good one.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Bit too good.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I started getting a little reaction downstairs and I thought,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"Oh, that is inappropriate, isn't it?"
0:17:55 > 0:17:58The thing was, the more inappropriate I thought it was,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59the bigger it seemed to get.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's that little naughty bit of your brain, isn't it,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04the bit you struggle to control, you know, the bit where,
0:18:04 > 0:18:09say you were at a funeral, somebody farts, you can't help giggling.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12And the thing was, it was a bloke who was giving the foot massage.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I know. I know.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It wasn't even a fit bloke, right? So I'm there in my dressing gown,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'm desperately trying to get myself together,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21trying to calm myself down, trying to think of everything to put
0:18:21 > 0:18:26myself off, you know, so I'm thinking of Eric Pickles and...
0:18:26 > 0:18:30sharks, traffic accidents, sharks involved in traffic accidents.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Turns out that shark traffic accidents, bloody sexy they are.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Obviously I'm having a little look at the bloke
0:18:38 > 0:18:41to see if he can tell that I'm a bit distracted, right?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44And I don't think he's actually noticed but I think he can tell that
0:18:44 > 0:18:48I'm definitely not concentrating fully, mainly because I keep going,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50"Shark! Shark!"
0:18:55 > 0:18:56So thankfully he eventually
0:18:56 > 0:18:59puts my feet in the old bucket of water, he goes off to reception,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01he says, "Come out when you're ready."
0:19:01 > 0:19:06He didn't say, "I've finished, you can finish yourself off now," right?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09But, you know, blokes will know that if you do have
0:19:09 > 0:19:12an embarrassing erection, it's not easy to cover it up, is it?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15You know, you can stick your hand in your pocket, can't you, right,
0:19:15 > 0:19:16and stick your bum out a bit, you know?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28But it tends to usually just look like you've still got
0:19:28 > 0:19:31an erection but you shat yourself at the same time.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You can actually get these sandals now, right,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41which have got pressure points on the inside of the sole
0:19:41 > 0:19:44which massage your feet as you walk along.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47My friend said he was going to get me a pair for Christmas.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I said, "Don't do that. I walk round town in those,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52"I'm going to get done for indecent behaviour."
0:19:53 > 0:19:57But the police, they're struggling at the moment, aren't they?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Cos they, oh, the government have cut their numbers
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and the police said they, oh, they said,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"If you cut our numbers, crime is going to go up."
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Now, crime has, in fact, gone down.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10That's slightly embarrassing for the police, isn't it?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Best interpretation of those figures is that police numbers
0:20:13 > 0:20:15have very little effect on overall crime.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18The worst interpretation of those figures is, in fact, that the police
0:20:18 > 0:20:21were responsible for a lot of the crime.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Obviously some of the police officers have been up to no good.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29They've been taking some money off the tabloid journalists
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and the public have been asked -
0:20:31 > 0:20:33"What do you want to happen about this?"
0:20:33 > 0:20:34And the public have said,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"We want legislation against these journalists.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38"We don't trust the journalists."
0:20:38 > 0:20:41But they've said they don't actually want MPs to legislate against
0:20:41 > 0:20:45the journalists, cos they trust the MPs even less than the journalists.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49But you think, "What a tragedy that politics is regarded as less
0:20:49 > 0:20:52"trustworthy than the profession that hacked the phone of a dead girl."
0:20:52 > 0:20:55You're thinking, "Who's going to save politics?"
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Various names are bandied around.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Boris Johnson,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02a man who apparently is desperate to become our next Prime Minister.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05But what you may not know, he was in fact born in America,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07so he is eligible to become the next
0:21:07 > 0:21:10President of the United States of America
0:21:10 > 0:21:12and that would be my preferred option.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Be fantastic, wouldn't it?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18The most powerful man in the world, the leader of the free nations,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and you just see a picture of a fat scarecrow on a bike.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28The man is a serial shagger, isn't he?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31This is the man, right, whose first marriage went tits-up
0:21:31 > 0:21:32because he was having an affair.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Then he got kicked off the Conservative front bench because
0:21:35 > 0:21:38he lied about a second affair and now his current wife, she kicked him out
0:21:38 > 0:21:41of the matrimonial home for a while because he was having a third affair.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46And you're thinking, right, Paddy Ashdown, he only had one affair.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48He got known as Paddy Pantsdown.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50What are the journalists waiting for,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52given that Boris's surname is Johnson
0:21:52 > 0:21:55and his initials are BJ?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58And people go, "Oh, but you've got to love him, haven't you?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"He's quintessentially British," and I'm thinking,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"No, he was born in America, he's named after a Russian
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"and he looks like a Swedish person who's eaten another Swedish person."
0:22:14 > 0:22:16And then we've got Iain Duncan Smith
0:22:16 > 0:22:18and his welfare reforms and you're thinking,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21"If you're trying to save money on the welfare budget,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"surely the easiest and best way of doing that is to actually
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"raise the minimum wage so as the government don't have to pay
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"so many tax credits." Because at the moment, there's a big debate between
0:22:30 > 0:22:34the parties, isn't there, about a living wage against a minimum wage.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Now, it turns out the living wage is, in fact,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38the minimum wage that you can live off for your basic needs,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41so it turns out the minimum wage isn't, in fact, the minimum wage.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44It's less than the minimum wage. And you're thinking,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"If it's less than the minimum wage, why is it called the minimum wage?"
0:22:47 > 0:22:49If you can't live off it, you might as well do nothing.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"Would you like a job?" "Can I live off it?" "No."
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"Brilliant. When do I start?"
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Cameron memorably described UKIP as fruit cakes,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05loonies and closet racists.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09And after he described them as such, loads of people went out
0:23:09 > 0:23:11and voted for UKIP.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14He obviously described a large proportion of the British electorate
0:23:14 > 0:23:16who are going, "What? There is a party for me!"
0:23:20 > 0:23:24We discovered at the same time that apparently the average age
0:23:24 > 0:23:28now of a Conservative party member is 68.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Yeah.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Oh, yeah, we have another winter like last year,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33they're in right bloody trouble, they are.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And Nigel Farage, the leader of UKIP, he has said that all
0:23:40 > 0:23:44the other party leaders, they come from the same elitist background.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47You're thinking, "This is a man who was a stockbroker
0:23:47 > 0:23:48"who went to public school.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Surely if he was really a man of the people,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53"he wouldn't be called Nigel Far-ahge, would he?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55He'd be called Nigel Fa-ridge,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57like garage, not gar-ahge.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04But maybe he lives in a vill-ahge in a cott-ahge and enjoys a saus-ahge.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I mean, the trouble is, though, people come over here,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12don't they, and they don't learn how to pronounce our words.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It's a bloody outr-ahge, that's what it is.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Then we've got Liberal Democrats.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Liberal Democrats, struggling at the moment.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Down 50% from the general election, aren't they?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31From 22% popularity down to 11%.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I still think people are missing a trick.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35If anybody asks anybody who they're going to vote for in
0:24:35 > 0:24:38the next general election, everybody should say Liberal Democrat.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40And then when it comes to the general election,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42nobody should vote for them and when Nick Clegg goes,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44"But you promised us," we can all go,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"Yeah, and now you know how we feel." Hey?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56But he's not the least popular member of the Cabinet. Oh, no.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59The least popular member of the Cabinet - George Osborne.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Current popularity - minus 53.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05You would have thought two was a pretty poor popularity, wouldn't you?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Minus 53, that sounds like even imaginary people think he's shit.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16This is the man who went to Brussels to campaign to keep
0:25:16 > 0:25:20bank bonuses exactly the same as they were before the crisis
0:25:20 > 0:25:23and you're thinking, "If a bank has made a profit they get a bonus,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"but if a bank has made a loss and we've bailed them out,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"I don't think they should get a bonus," because who gets it in
0:25:28 > 0:25:32the neck from us, right, the public, after the banking crisis?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35It was the people who work as cashiers out front.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Now, most of them aren't on much more than minimum wage,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41so not only do I think the bankers shouldn't get a bonus, right?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42But I think whoever's made the loss,
0:25:42 > 0:25:46they should have to work out front as cashier number four
0:25:46 > 0:25:49so as we can have a word with them and when that tannoy tells us
0:25:49 > 0:25:53which window to go to, it also tells us what they've done wrong, right?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So it says, it says, "Oh, yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58"Oh, here we go."
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Harrogate is up for it, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05You know, the tannoy's there going,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"He's wasted three billion of your cash.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"Go and tell him what you think of him. Cashier number two."
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Let's face it, what has actually changed?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22What has changed since the financial crisis?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24What can you put your finger on?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Have they actually split up the banks into retail
0:26:26 > 0:26:27and investment sides?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30No. Have they made the banks small enough to fail? No.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Have they done anything about bank bonuses? No.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35The one and only thing you can put your finger on and go,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"Yes, that has changed,"
0:26:37 > 0:26:40is the fact that Sir Fred Goodwin is no longer Sir Fred Goodwin.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41But let's face it, that's made
0:26:41 > 0:26:43very little practical difference, hasn't it?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Cos if you ever saw Sir Fred Goodwin,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47you wouldn't have called him Sir Fred Goodwin, would you?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49You might have called him a lot of things,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51but sir would not have been one of them.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53In the same way if you ever came across Lord Sugar,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55you probably wouldn't call him Lord Sugar.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58You'd probably call him Sugar, just to annoy him, yeah?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02And if you had to make him a cup of tea, you might go, "Sugar, Sugar?"
0:27:02 > 0:27:04And if you had to make him a cup of hot lemon, you might go,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06"Sugar? Hmm. Honey, honey?"
0:27:10 > 0:27:12And you might not get a job on The Apprentice
0:27:12 > 0:27:15but it'd be worth it just to see the look on his Sid James face.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22And then we've got Michael Gove for education.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- CROWD:- Oh... - There we go. Popular in Harrogate.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I get that every place in the country, it doesn't matter.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30This is the man... What's his big policy?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32How is he going to change our kids' education?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Rote learning, that's what he thinks.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Yeah, he thinks learning by lists, that is the way to do it.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40You're thinking, "That is just not an interesting way to learn, is it?"
0:27:40 > 0:27:42You know, I happen to know...
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I happen to know William I, William II, right,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Henry I, then we got Stephen, then Henry II, then Richard Jon,
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Henry III, Edward I, II, III, we got Richard II, haven't we?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Henry IV, V, VI, Edward IV, Edward V, Richard III,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56then we've got Henry VII, Henry VIII, haven't we?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Edward VI, then we got Mary,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02then we got Elizabeth, James I, Charles I, Charles II, James II,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05William and Mary, Anne, four Georges then, haven't we?
0:28:05 > 0:28:09William IV, Victoria, Edward VII, then we got George V, Edward VIII,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12George VI, Elizabeth II and Charles the Unready, right?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Now, I happen to know that. Oh, no, no, no.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15No.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:20It's fucking pointless.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I'm a Republican, right?
0:28:28 > 0:28:29But...
0:28:29 > 0:28:33I reckon a lot of ardent monarchists would struggle
0:28:33 > 0:28:34to name a lot of those.
0:28:34 > 0:28:39My guess is even Prince Harry would struggle to name a lot of those.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41He probably knows about three, doesn't he?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Probably Henry V cos he was a bit of a fighter, Henry VIII
0:28:43 > 0:28:45cos he was a big of a shagger and George III
0:28:45 > 0:28:48cos he used to get his kit off for no reason whatsoever.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54But you're thinking, "It's not an interesting way to learn anything."
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Surely more interesting would be
0:28:55 > 0:28:58if you learnt it from princes in the Tower, right?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01If you learned it as Battle of Bosworth, yeah?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Leicester car park, shagger, syphilis, congenital syphilis,
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Catholic, ginger, Catholic ginger gay, right?
0:29:08 > 0:29:12No head, oak tree, the shit, yeah?
0:29:12 > 0:29:16Fell off a horse, 17 pregnancies, German, German, mad German,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18mad German shagger,
0:29:18 > 0:29:19pineapple head, yeah?
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Not amused, Lillie Langtree, euthanasia, abdication, lisp,
0:29:23 > 0:29:25husband a racist.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27If you learnt it like that, you know...
0:29:27 > 0:29:29APPLAUSE
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Oh, yeah.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37And of course, the government, they're always going,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40"Well, there's this left-wing media bias," and you're thinking,
0:29:40 > 0:29:43"Well, there's loads of right-wing comics.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44"Just so happens most of them
0:29:44 > 0:29:46"seem to be investigated by Operation Yewtree."
0:29:51 > 0:29:53And the thing is that right wing or left wing,
0:29:53 > 0:29:55politicians have realised they're not connecting,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58so they're trying to find other ways of connecting with us.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01So they're trying to tell us little stories about themselves
0:30:01 > 0:30:03to lure us in. We found out recently that Ed Balls,
0:30:03 > 0:30:08he likes to watch Antiques Roadshow, which he says makes him cry.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Then we found out Ed Miliband,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14apparently he used to be able to do the Rubik's Cube one handed
0:30:14 > 0:30:17in one minute 23 seconds aged 14.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19When I heard that, all I could think of,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21"What the hell was the other hand doing?"
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Then we had Nadine Dorries, didn't we?
0:30:25 > 0:30:27She wanted to go on I'm A Celebrity
0:30:27 > 0:30:29because she didn't want to popularise herself,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31she wanted to popularise politics.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Of course, she got no politics in the edit because people
0:30:34 > 0:30:36don't watch I'm A Celebrity for politics, do they?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39You don't get people going, "Oh, I'm very interested to find out
0:30:39 > 0:30:42"what Eric Bristow thinks about quantitative easing,
0:30:42 > 0:30:46"but I'm just going to watch him eat a kangaroo penis for a while."
0:30:46 > 0:30:48George Galloway made the same mistake, didn't he?
0:30:48 > 0:30:52He went on Celebrity Big Brother, hoping to talk politics.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56He ended up in a pink leotard doing an impression of a cat.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00And this is the man who came out in support
0:31:00 > 0:31:04of Wikipedia's Julian Assange, saying he said he didn't think
0:31:04 > 0:31:07having sex with somebody when they're asleep...he said that's not rape.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10He said that is merely bad sexual etiquette.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14This is the MP for Respect, right?
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Presumably, he doesn't think having sex with a dead person,
0:31:17 > 0:31:18is necrophilia.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21That's just poor funeral manners as well.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28I was excited to see what Harrogate made of that, ladies and gentlemen!
0:31:30 > 0:31:31You're thinking, aren't you?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34People look at politicians like this and go,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36"Oh, well! They're just fame-obsessed, aren't they?
0:31:36 > 0:31:39"Self-orientated, attention-seeking idiots."
0:31:39 > 0:31:42But you think, actually the public expect politicians now
0:31:42 > 0:31:45to have a certain amount of showbusiness about them.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47People like a bit of showbusiness.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50People expect comedy shows to have a big showbiz ending
0:31:50 > 0:31:53and to have a big ending you really need music, don't you?
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Now, I can't sing, can't dance, can't play a musical instrument.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00As we've already established, the only thing I'm really good at
0:32:00 > 0:32:03is sat at the end of my garden doing fuck all.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07But I figured me coming out with a garden chair having a bit of a snooze
0:32:07 > 0:32:11was probably not the finale we were all looking for.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14So, I thought I'd get myself down to one of those recording studios
0:32:14 > 0:32:17with Autotune, I will do a version of My Way, right?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19The bloke who ran the recording studio said,
0:32:19 > 0:32:23"I think, Andy, I need to explain to you how Autotune works."
0:32:23 > 0:32:26He said, "If you're half a note either side, it averages out,
0:32:26 > 0:32:27"it sounds fantastic."
0:32:27 > 0:32:30He said, "You're not a note either side."
0:32:30 > 0:32:33He said, "You're in a different octave.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36"How about instead of doing a cover version of Frank Sinatra,
0:32:36 > 0:32:38"doing a cover version of Milli Vanilli
0:32:38 > 0:32:41"and getting somebody else to do it for you?"
0:32:44 > 0:32:45So, I thought to myself,
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"Alternatively, why don't we get loads of indoor fireworks?" Yeah?
0:32:48 > 0:32:52"We'll have them against the backdrop. It'll look brilliant."
0:32:52 > 0:32:53I checked it out.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56They said, "Not only is a health and safety issue," they said,
0:32:56 > 0:32:58"it's also an insurance issue,
0:32:58 > 0:33:02"but you can use party poppers if you want."
0:33:02 > 0:33:05I said, "You don't get that on The X Factor, do you?"
0:33:05 > 0:33:08You don't get some singer coming out to sing their song and next
0:33:08 > 0:33:14to them some bloke in a hi-vis jacket going pop, pop, pop, pop.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21People like a bit of showbusiness.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24I myself, I'm hoping to do a bit of acting.
0:33:24 > 0:33:25Either that or EastEnders.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28One of the two.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31I like to think I've shown my emotional range already tonight,
0:33:31 > 0:33:32ladies and gentlemen.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Anger...
0:33:34 > 0:33:35HE GRUNTS
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Tenderness.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Sadness.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44That's all you need for EastEnders, isn't it?
0:33:44 > 0:33:46"Oi! I love you. Come back.
0:33:46 > 0:33:47"Come back."
0:33:49 > 0:33:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:51 > 0:33:54CHEERING
0:33:54 > 0:33:58I think I could easily be a long-lost Mitchell brother.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06Obviously, I'd need some sort of, you know, audition monologue,
0:34:06 > 0:34:07wouldn't I?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10They tend to use those Shakespearian monologues, don't they?
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Maybe what I could do, maybe I could like Henry V, right?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17But in the style of EastEnders.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,
0:34:21 > 0:34:25"Or close the wall up with our English dead,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27"Because even if they are dead,
0:34:27 > 0:34:30"They can always come back at some later stage as a different actor.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36"In peace nothing does so become a man as modest stillness
0:34:36 > 0:34:37"and humility.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40"But if somebody looks at you a bit funny,
0:34:40 > 0:34:44"Burn the place down and claim it back on the insurance."
0:34:46 > 0:34:49"Stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood,
0:34:49 > 0:34:50"And try and shake off the fact
0:34:50 > 0:34:53"you went to Webber Douglas Acting School by going,
0:34:53 > 0:34:58"'DO YOU WANT SOME? DO YOU BLOODY WANT SOME?'
0:34:58 > 0:35:02"Lend the eye a terrible aspect and bear the chest,
0:35:02 > 0:35:07"Like dear mum, Peggy, did in Carry on Camping."
0:35:08 > 0:35:12"Grit the teeth and flare the nostril wide,
0:35:12 > 0:35:18"Like you've just ruined your septum doing lines of coke with sister Sam.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21"On, on, you noblest Mitchells.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23"Dishonour not your mothers and prove that those men
0:35:23 > 0:35:27"That you do claim to be your fathers did truly conceive you
0:35:27 > 0:35:31"By getting on the Jeremy Kyle and having a paternity test."
0:35:32 > 0:35:35"Be a copy to your fellow brethren and show them
0:35:35 > 0:35:36"How to fight the Mitchell way,
0:35:36 > 0:35:41"'What you looking at? Get out my pub, you muppet.'
0:35:41 > 0:35:47"Aye, I see you standing there like greyhounds in the slips,
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"Straining for the start.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51"Well, the game's afoot.
0:35:51 > 0:35:57"Cry God, for Walford, Queen Vic and the family."
0:35:58 > 0:36:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:11 > 0:36:14People love a bit of showbusiness, don't they? But not just that.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16They also like the trappings of showbusiness.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Simon Cowell did an interview where he said
0:36:18 > 0:36:20he no longer uses ordinary toilet paper,
0:36:20 > 0:36:24but he buys designer toilet paper which is black and costs £10 a roll,
0:36:24 > 0:36:28there apparently now has been a run on designer toilet paper in Britain
0:36:28 > 0:36:31which is black and costs £10 a roll.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35And you're thinking, not only is that a complete waste of money,
0:36:35 > 0:36:38but how can you tell if your arse is clean?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46And if that wasn't enough...
0:36:46 > 0:36:47AUDIENCE STILL LAUGHING
0:36:47 > 0:36:49..Travelodges came out
0:36:49 > 0:36:53and they said last year 20,000 books were left in Travelodges
0:36:53 > 0:36:58across Britain, 7,000 of which were the same book -
0:36:58 > 0:36:5950 Shades of Grey.
0:37:00 > 0:37:05I'm guessing there's probably a few guilty faces in tonight's audience.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Probably mainly the ladies...
0:37:07 > 0:37:09- AUDIENCE:- Yeah! - Yes, there we go!
0:37:09 > 0:37:14One lady going, "Yes, it's me and I'm proud of it. All 7,000!"
0:37:16 > 0:37:18But you're thinking, of course it's going to be mainly
0:37:18 > 0:37:21the ladies because it's not an erotic book for blokes, is it, eh?
0:37:21 > 0:37:23No pictures, you know?
0:37:26 > 0:37:29APPLAUSE
0:37:29 > 0:37:32But I myself, I myself have read it, you know?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I picked up a copy in a Travelodge!
0:37:35 > 0:37:38No, I had to do it for the Cheltenham Literary Festival,
0:37:38 > 0:37:41and the story is this: 22-year-old very good looking, right, student.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Yeah? She's a virgin.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47She comes across a very good looking 27-year-old tech billionaire
0:37:47 > 0:37:49who happens to be into BDSM,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51and that is BDSM, not BSM,
0:37:51 > 0:37:54as I read on one website, right?
0:37:54 > 0:37:58There's a big difference between bondage discipline and sadomasochism
0:37:58 > 0:38:00and the British School of Motoring.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04You phone up BSM,
0:38:04 > 0:38:07they come round and you're wearing your nipple clamps...
0:38:08 > 0:38:10..you may not get that driving lesson.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15But the whole thing...
0:38:15 > 0:38:18the whole thing seems somewhat unrealistic to me, right?
0:38:18 > 0:38:22Yeah. This woman's had no sexual contact whatsoever.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27In their first contact, right, she orgasms. What does he do, right?
0:38:27 > 0:38:30He tweaks her nipple, right? That's it, yeah?
0:38:30 > 0:38:34Now, supposedly one in three women, right, struggle to orgasm at all.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Most need at least 20 minutes' sexual activity.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Virtually all need some form of clitoral stimulation, yeah?
0:38:40 > 0:38:42But tech boy billionaire, he just thinks,
0:38:42 > 0:38:44"Oh, I'll just have a little go,
0:38:44 > 0:38:46"Just have a little tweak of the nipple.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48"Ooh, that's worked! That is a bonus! Yeah.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"This one's a keeper," right?
0:38:52 > 0:38:54I was there thinking...
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Do you know what my favourite line in the entire book is?
0:38:57 > 0:39:02It goes, "He took off his socks individually."
0:39:07 > 0:39:09How else was he going to take his socks off?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Oh, he took his socks off simultaneously,
0:39:13 > 0:39:17fell on his arse, made a bit of a twat of himself.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29But we like, don't we, we like to judge how moral everybody
0:39:29 > 0:39:34else is, but how often do we think how moral actually are we?
0:39:34 > 0:39:38As an example, right, I recently was involved in a car accident.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Well, I say I was involved in a car accident,
0:39:40 > 0:39:43my car was involved in an accident.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46I was, in fact, in bed at the time.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49My car was parked outside my house, right?
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Four o'clock in the morning, right, taxi driver going down my road,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55a straight road, right, no other vehicles involved,
0:39:55 > 0:40:00wrote off my car and tried to drive away and would have done so
0:40:00 > 0:40:02if my next door neighbour hadn't collared him.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Next door neighbour knocks on my door, says,
0:40:04 > 0:40:07"You want to come out, some bloke's just smashed up your car."
0:40:07 > 0:40:09So I come out in my dressing gown going, "What's going on?"
0:40:09 > 0:40:13Taxi driver goes, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was tired."
0:40:13 > 0:40:17I said, "Well, I was tired..."
0:40:20 > 0:40:24At which point, right, this young copper turns up
0:40:24 > 0:40:27and he goes to me, he says, "Whose fault do you think it was?"
0:40:29 > 0:40:30I said, "I've been known to snore,
0:40:30 > 0:40:35"but not so loudly somebody's had a crash in the street outside."
0:40:35 > 0:40:38And you can imagine, this was particularly traumatic for me,
0:40:38 > 0:40:39wasn't it, you know?
0:40:39 > 0:40:42There I am in my dressing gown, looking at this traffic
0:40:42 > 0:40:45accident and all I can think of is sharks and Eric Pickles...
0:40:49 > 0:40:53..and I don't want you to think, right, that I had parked badly.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56I had parked neatly up against the kerb, because you can now get
0:40:56 > 0:41:00fined if you park more than 50 centimetres away from the kerb.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Now, I personally don't mind that,
0:41:02 > 0:41:04because 50 centimetres is almost two feet.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08If you can't park within two feet of the kerb, you've not parked,
0:41:08 > 0:41:10have you?
0:41:10 > 0:41:12You have stopped in traffic and fucked off.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23But this wasn't the only occasion I had to come across some
0:41:23 > 0:41:25police officers recently, right?
0:41:25 > 0:41:28I also came across five who were chasing after a young lad
0:41:28 > 0:41:31for fully five minutes and I was watching them
0:41:31 > 0:41:34and I was stood still, and you're thinking, "How is that possible?"
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Well, they were chasing after this young lad who was
0:41:36 > 0:41:40so pissed, that he was running round in a really big circle.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44Yet not one of the police officers had the foresight to think,
0:41:44 > 0:41:46"Well, if I stand here, I'll be able to get him
0:41:46 > 0:41:48"next time he comes around."
0:41:49 > 0:41:54They only managed to apprehend him because he was laughing so hard,
0:41:54 > 0:41:56that he collapsed to the floor,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59at which point the lead copper still rugby tackled him, right,
0:41:59 > 0:42:03but was in such poor shape he put his back out, right?
0:42:03 > 0:42:05So he had to let go, at which point the young lad stood up
0:42:05 > 0:42:07and started doing it all over again.
0:42:13 > 0:42:14And, of course, the police,
0:42:14 > 0:42:18they are supposed to be looking after the politicians, aren't they?
0:42:18 > 0:42:20But, you know, sometimes you wonder how good a job they do.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Nick Clegg, you may have seen,
0:42:22 > 0:42:24has had dog shit shoved through his letter box.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27I'm guessing he wasn't best pleased that the policeman guarding
0:42:27 > 0:42:30the front of his house didn't do a better job preventing it
0:42:30 > 0:42:32cos, you know, you can imagine, can't you, you know,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35a young lad walking up the garden path, right?
0:42:35 > 0:42:38And the copper's there going, "What you doing?"
0:42:38 > 0:42:42"Oh, well, I was just going to shove a dog shit through his letter box."
0:42:45 > 0:42:47"All right, go ahead, yeah, lovely."
0:42:50 > 0:42:53Cos there is a lot of abuse out there, isn't there?
0:42:53 > 0:42:56Ed Miliband, he always gets called Wallace from Wallace and Gromit
0:42:56 > 0:42:59and he says, "Yes, well, you know, if you were going to
0:42:59 > 0:43:02"design a politician, I know it wouldn't look like me."
0:43:02 > 0:43:04and you're thinking, "Well, he's probably right, isn't he?"
0:43:04 > 0:43:07He's not helped by that little white patch of hair that he has just here.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Makes him look like half man, half badger.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13And he says what it is, he's actually prematurely ageing,
0:43:13 > 0:43:15but just in one tiny little bit of his head
0:43:15 > 0:43:17and you're thinking, that's a bit weird, isn't it?
0:43:17 > 0:43:20It's a bit like those people you see who've had botox on their face
0:43:20 > 0:43:22and then you look at their neck
0:43:22 > 0:43:24and it looks like a lizard's ball sack, doesn't it?
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Cos there is a lot of abuse out there, isn't there?
0:43:31 > 0:43:32Especially online.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34You feel quite sorry for the kids, don't you,
0:43:34 > 0:43:37those ones who go to school, get bullied at school, yeah,
0:43:37 > 0:43:39come home, turn on the computer, get bullied at home.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43Oh, it's all changed since the days of Gary Partridge, hasn't it?
0:43:44 > 0:43:48Well, I'm guessing most of you don't know who Gary Partridge is.
0:43:48 > 0:43:50He's a bloke I was at school with.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00I might have forgotten who Gary Partridge was
0:44:00 > 0:44:02if it wasn't for one fact, right?
0:44:02 > 0:44:04And that was the fact, right, that one lunchtime,
0:44:04 > 0:44:07Gary came out a bit too sheepish out the school toilets, right,
0:44:07 > 0:44:09having flushed a little too often, so a search party
0:44:09 > 0:44:14is organised and it's turned out Gary has done a monster poo, right?
0:44:14 > 0:44:15Oh, it was a big one, right?
0:44:15 > 0:44:17It was like the opposite of an iceberg, yeah?
0:44:17 > 0:44:1990% of it was out of the water, OK?
0:44:19 > 0:44:21Oh, yeah.
0:44:21 > 0:44:24Oh, and you know they say that childbirth is like pooing a melon?
0:44:24 > 0:44:27Well, in which case Gary Partridge had given birth to a pumpkin,
0:44:27 > 0:44:29let me tell you that.
0:44:29 > 0:44:33And the thing was Gary Partridge only had a very small arse, right?
0:44:33 > 0:44:35So there was a big debate as to how big his arsehole
0:44:35 > 0:44:37was in comparison to the rest of his arse
0:44:37 > 0:44:41and whether his buttocks were liable to be sucked into an anal void.
0:44:41 > 0:44:44But this would probably have just been one break time's
0:44:44 > 0:44:46entertainment, if it wasn't for one other fact,
0:44:46 > 0:44:50and that was the school photography competition was on at the same time.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56A state school had spent some of its very limited cash on a brand-new
0:44:56 > 0:44:59Polaroid camera and the idea was you had to borrow that camera,
0:44:59 > 0:45:01you had to go round school and you had to take
0:45:01 > 0:45:04a photo of something you thought was amazing, eh?
0:45:07 > 0:45:10You then had to stick it on the school notice board, right,
0:45:10 > 0:45:14with a name and what it was.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16So the poo is stuck on the notice board,
0:45:16 > 0:45:19Gary Partridge, what I did in my lunch break, right?
0:45:22 > 0:45:25And there is a song at the charts at the time by Robert Plant
0:45:25 > 0:45:27called Big Log, OK?
0:45:27 > 0:45:30So, whenever Gary comes into a classroom, right,
0:45:30 > 0:45:33everybody starts singing Big Log and he's no longer called Gary,
0:45:33 > 0:45:38he's called The Stig, because he's the Stig of the Dump, right?
0:45:38 > 0:45:42And so you can imagine, teacher walking along the corridor,
0:45:42 > 0:45:46has a look at the photographs, sees the poo, it gets taken down, Gary
0:45:46 > 0:45:50is disqualified from the photography competition, so then half
0:45:50 > 0:45:54the school go round with a little badge on, Justice for Gary, right?
0:45:58 > 0:46:01And this is 28 years ago or whatever, right?
0:46:01 > 0:46:03You're thinking, "How would that story have spread now with
0:46:03 > 0:46:06"Facebook, with Twitter, with YouTube?"
0:46:06 > 0:46:08As it was, we had a reunion recently.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11Gary walks into the pub. The whole pub goes, "Stig!"
0:46:12 > 0:46:14And then when he went to the loo,
0:46:14 > 0:46:16somebody followed him in with an iPhone.
0:46:24 > 0:46:28Now, I don't want you to think that I'm immune to abuse, you know?
0:46:28 > 0:46:31I was recently described as a cross between Ming the Merciless
0:46:31 > 0:46:33and Robbie the seal from Pingu.
0:46:36 > 0:46:40And I thought I had a goatee beard, but according to one young girl,
0:46:40 > 0:46:43it looks like I have an arrow going up my nose.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52But you're thinking, with all the abuse out there, right,
0:46:52 > 0:46:55the more abuse there is heaped on politicians,
0:46:55 > 0:46:57the more of a laughing stock they become, right?
0:46:57 > 0:47:01The less trusted and respected they are as a profession,
0:47:01 > 0:47:06the more it seems that comedians think they can become politicians.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09You may have seen an ex-Spitting Image writer,
0:47:09 > 0:47:11stood for Labour at the Eastleigh by-election.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14There are now elected comedians in Iceland, in Italy, in America.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17Even Eddie Izzard has said he's going to stand to be
0:47:17 > 0:47:20the 2020 London Mayor.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22He's obviously seen Boris Johnson, he's thought,
0:47:22 > 0:47:24"Fuck it, I must have a chance."
0:47:24 > 0:47:27People have even suggested that I might want to
0:47:27 > 0:47:30stand for political office, saying such things as,
0:47:30 > 0:47:33"Well, you can't be worse than the current crop."
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Believe you and me, I can.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37Where is the Secretary of State for Health?
0:47:37 > 0:47:40Well, he's writing his conference speech,
0:47:40 > 0:47:42How To Avoid Rigor Mortis With Your Cum Face On.
0:47:45 > 0:47:50I get easily frustrated, I enjoy relaxing a little too much
0:47:50 > 0:47:52and I shout, "Twat!" at myself in public.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54But then you think, well, Boris Johnson,
0:47:54 > 0:47:58he's had countless affairs, he described 250 grand a year
0:47:58 > 0:48:01as chicken feed and he tried to take all the credit for the Olympics,
0:48:01 > 0:48:04although all I can remember him actually doing during the
0:48:04 > 0:48:08Olympics, was going down a zip wire and getting stuck halfway down it.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12We had invited the best runners in the world to our country,
0:48:12 > 0:48:15but he couldn't even get from A to B by falling.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21And the Royal Statistical Society, they've come out recently
0:48:21 > 0:48:24and they've said, they reckon the British public are wrong
0:48:24 > 0:48:26about virtually everything.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29They reckon the British public think there's far more crime
0:48:29 > 0:48:31than there is, far more immigration than there in fact is,
0:48:31 > 0:48:34far more benefit fraud than there, in fact, is.
0:48:34 > 0:48:38You're thinking, if you get comedians as politicians or politicians
0:48:38 > 0:48:42that look like comedians, the danger is, right, that they're more
0:48:42 > 0:48:46likely to concentrate on lowest common denominator
0:48:46 > 0:48:51and populism and not actually do the hard things that need to be done.
0:48:51 > 0:48:53Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.
0:48:53 > 0:48:57Winston Churchill, of course, our greatest ever politicians.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00Now, he used to have a whole bottle of champagne at lunchtime,
0:49:00 > 0:49:03a whole bottle of champagne in the evening,
0:49:03 > 0:49:07followed by three or four scotches, two brandies and a highball.
0:49:07 > 0:49:10I'm surprised after that he didn't say, "We will fight them on the
0:49:10 > 0:49:14"beaches, we'll fight them in the pubs, outside the pubs, at the taxi
0:49:14 > 0:49:19"ranks, in the kebab shop, in the all night garage waiting for some fags."
0:49:19 > 0:49:23So, what I say to you is how come we've got to the stage where
0:49:23 > 0:49:27every time there's a budget, the price of alcohol goes up?
0:49:27 > 0:49:29I say, for the first time ever, let us
0:49:29 > 0:49:32reduce in the next budget the price of alcohol.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Yeah. I'm not talking ten pence off the price of beer.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37I'm not talking 20 pence off the price of beer.
0:49:37 > 0:49:42I say to you, free beer available on the NHS with free pizza,
0:49:44 > 0:49:45because as we all know,
0:49:45 > 0:49:50- it helps prevent cancer. AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:49:52 > 0:49:54But I don't want you to think that I've forgotten
0:49:54 > 0:49:56the health of this nation.
0:49:56 > 0:49:58I say we make sure that supermarkets,
0:49:58 > 0:50:01they have to make those trolleys harder to push to give us
0:50:01 > 0:50:05a good cardiovascular workout and we make sure the biscuit aisle
0:50:05 > 0:50:07is only a foot wide, so fat people can't get down it.
0:50:13 > 0:50:15And let's double the defence budget, right?
0:50:15 > 0:50:19We've recently just spent £8 billion, right,
0:50:19 > 0:50:21on two aircraft carriers which apparently will not be able
0:50:21 > 0:50:24to carry any aircraft for the next seven years,
0:50:24 > 0:50:27so one has been mothballed and, for the next seven years, right,
0:50:27 > 0:50:29the other one, as it goes up and down the seas, probably
0:50:29 > 0:50:34the most dangerous thing it may have on it is a seagull, right, eh?
0:50:34 > 0:50:37Oh, yeah, we won't be able to attack anybody, but if anybody comes
0:50:37 > 0:50:40within 100 yards with a bag of chips, oh, they're in trouble.
0:50:43 > 0:50:47And let's not forget kiddie-fiddlers, ladies and gentlemen.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50I say to you, we round up all the kiddie-fiddlers, right?
0:50:50 > 0:50:52We put them in the same town, just them, right?
0:50:52 > 0:50:55And we make them all wear school uniform, so as
0:50:55 > 0:50:59when they wander around, they're a constant danger to each other.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03And I say...
0:51:03 > 0:51:07Let's bring back capital punishment, right, for Fred Goodwin,
0:51:07 > 0:51:11for the bloke from the Go Compare adverts, for Jimmy Savile,
0:51:11 > 0:51:14I don't care if he's dead, I say dig him up, hang him,
0:51:14 > 0:51:19bloody bury him again and let's not forget George Osborne, right?
0:51:19 > 0:51:21This is the man who was part of the Bullingdon Club, yeah?
0:51:21 > 0:51:24And apparently, when he was part of the Bullingdon Club,
0:51:24 > 0:51:26they used to drop him repeatedly on his head,
0:51:26 > 0:51:28holding him by his ankles, going, "Who are you?"
0:51:28 > 0:51:31And they would keep doing it until he said,
0:51:31 > 0:51:33- "I am a despicable- BLEEP."
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Now...if they can do it, why can't we?
0:51:35 > 0:51:39I say we re-enact it every Wednesday on Westminster Green
0:51:39 > 0:51:41until this economy improves.
0:51:42 > 0:51:46But, I realise, I need a good ending to this speech, because this
0:51:46 > 0:51:49is the only thing that is liable to make it onto the news and you
0:51:49 > 0:51:51will know when I have reached the end of my speech, because
0:51:51 > 0:51:55I will gesticulate wildly and then do a silly wave and I will gradually
0:51:55 > 0:51:58get there by building up, by pumping my fist a bit, by using short
0:51:58 > 0:52:01sentences and gradually raising my voice as I get towards the end of
0:52:01 > 0:52:02the line.
0:52:02 > 0:52:06And it's at that point, I throw in my final feel good policy.
0:52:06 > 0:52:11I say we make sure BBC One at 10pm, instead of having the news,
0:52:11 > 0:52:13they have ten minutes of free porn.
0:52:24 > 0:52:29You have a look at the 2010 UKIP manifesto, right?
0:52:29 > 0:52:31It's not a million miles away from that.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36I suspect we do not want comedians as politicians.
0:52:36 > 0:52:41That way, you suspect, can only lead to Greece, a country, right,
0:52:41 > 0:52:43which was described by the European Central Bank,
0:52:43 > 0:52:46they said, "It's a bit like the Ebola virus," they said,
0:52:46 > 0:52:49"We may have to cut off our leg to survive."
0:52:49 > 0:52:52Now, I'm not convinced they know much about finance.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54They certainly know nothing about the Ebola virus.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56That affects your entire body, right?
0:52:56 > 0:52:59You cut off your leg, you've still got the Ebola virus,
0:52:59 > 0:53:01you've just got one less leg.
0:53:02 > 0:53:06But virtually every country you look at in the world, the gap
0:53:06 > 0:53:08between the haves and the have-nots is increasing, right?
0:53:08 > 0:53:10And you think, "That can't be right,"
0:53:10 > 0:53:13but you're thinking if we all went out on a regular basis
0:53:13 > 0:53:15and demonstrated, yeah, things can change.
0:53:15 > 0:53:19But I also know, I am a big fan of a nice warm room, yeah, a comfy
0:53:19 > 0:53:23armchair, bit of a natter, which is why my favourite form of protest
0:53:23 > 0:53:28is the sit-in, cos it's trying to change the world by doing fuck all.
0:53:29 > 0:53:33Cos let's face it, even if you retreat to your shed, right,
0:53:33 > 0:53:34politics will always intrude.
0:53:34 > 0:53:38The height you can have that shed, what you can see from that shed,
0:53:38 > 0:53:40who's fracking underneath your shed.
0:53:40 > 0:53:44At some stage, we need to go out and go the extra mile.
0:53:44 > 0:53:48MUSIC PLAYS
0:53:49 > 0:53:55# For what is a man? What has he got?
0:53:56 > 0:54:02# If not himself then he has nought
0:54:02 > 0:54:09# To say the things he truly feels
0:54:09 > 0:54:15# And not the words of one who kneels
0:54:15 > 0:54:22# The record shows I took the blows
0:54:22 > 0:54:27# And did it my way!
0:54:30 > 0:54:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:54:51 > 0:54:53# Yes, I did it my way! #
0:55:03 > 0:55:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:55:22 > 0:55:24Thank you very much.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28I wanted to stop you before you'd used all of your clapping up.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32I will be going when I get my breath back.
0:55:37 > 0:55:41And I didn't want to go off to nothing, you know?
0:55:41 > 0:55:43You know, cos I...
0:55:45 > 0:55:48I know, no, I know what some British audiences are like.
0:55:48 > 0:55:51They go, "Oh, I've clapped once. Fuck him."
0:55:58 > 0:56:04So I hope, ladies and gentlemen, we see each other again at some point.
0:56:04 > 0:56:06And yeah, no, I mean, if you're into getting in touch,
0:56:06 > 0:56:09that would be lovely, you know, a bit of Facebook or
0:56:09 > 0:56:14a bit of Twitter or a bit of MySpace, if you're trapped in 2007.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19And if you are online, ladies and gentlemen, you know,
0:56:19 > 0:56:21there's a new campaign... AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES
0:56:21 > 0:56:24..called My Theatre Matters and, you know,
0:56:24 > 0:56:27obviously it would be interesting to see how that edits with
0:56:27 > 0:56:30somebody sneezing in the middle of My Theatre Matters.
0:56:30 > 0:56:34LAUGHTER
0:56:37 > 0:56:40People going, "I didn't even see his lips move,
0:56:40 > 0:56:42"that was bloody brilliant, that was."
0:56:44 > 0:56:47I'd love to, wish I could see the person in front of him...
0:56:47 > 0:56:50if there was, indeed, anybody going, "What the fuck?"
0:56:54 > 0:56:56But, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen,
0:56:56 > 0:57:00obviously having been to the theatre tonight, you now know that
0:57:00 > 0:57:04you can crack one off quite happily in a Harrogate corridor.
0:57:04 > 0:57:08Nobody will give too much of a monkeys.
0:57:09 > 0:57:12And if nothing else, you now know that when you see Simon Cowell
0:57:12 > 0:57:15being nasty on the telly, you can console yourself with the fact
0:57:15 > 0:57:17that he's probably got a dirty arse.
0:57:24 > 0:57:25But it's nice, isn't it?
0:57:25 > 0:57:30It's nice, it's nice doing nothing, isn't it? It's lovely.
0:57:30 > 0:57:32But it's not really as good, maybe,
0:57:32 > 0:57:35as doing something that you're actually proud of, is it, you know?
0:57:35 > 0:57:37Maybe something like this.
0:57:41 > 0:57:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:57:48 > 0:57:51Practise at home, ladies and gentlemen,
0:57:51 > 0:57:54impress your partner and if that doesn't work, tweak the nipple.
0:57:56 > 0:57:58Thank you very much. Good night.
0:57:58 > 0:58:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:58:05 > 0:58:06Thank you.