0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- Can you hear me?- 'Hello, Nan.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- 'Turn your head.'- Turn me head. Bop.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- 'I'm over here!'- He's over there.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22- Oh, have a look! - SHE CACKLES
0:00:22 > 0:00:25You're on the telly, love. You're on the telly.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- 'I'm on Skype.'- Oh, Skype Sports?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32No, I don't watch that rubbish, love.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- When you going to come up and see me?- 'Not for a while, Nan. I'm in Africa.'
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Oh, yeah? Still on your holidays?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42'No, I'm volunteering...in Namibia.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45'Do you remember? I'm helping build a school for orphans.'
0:00:45 > 0:00:48We can all build schools for orphans, love,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51but who's going to come and fix my wonky tap?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- 'The council?'- The council? No good bastards!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02How's Umbongo?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04'Who's Umbongo?'
0:01:04 > 0:01:08That friend you keep...banging on about.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12- 'Ngudu?'- If you like.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Ngudu is the group leader, Nan. - Oh, it's a group thing now, is it?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21'Nan, it's really amazing out here.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- 'The children can't wait...' - EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS - Yeah, love, I get the gist.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Me programme's on now. Ta-ta.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Well, the tap's not been working for ages.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49And it's not the first time something's broken.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Mind you, I suppose it's the same everywhere, innit?
0:01:52 > 0:01:57You remember Cheryl? You know, round the corner, the one with the head.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03Great big square head she had, didn't she? Head like a toaster!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Her husband left her. Yeah. I mean, I can't blame him really.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Must have laid in bed at night staring at her thinking,
0:02:10 > 0:02:15"I wonder how many Pop Tarts I could get in that head?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:17But, you know, when you think about...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- OVER PHONE: - 'I'm sorry, I don't understand.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22'Press star to return to main menu.'
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Oh, leave off!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- So, who are ya?- I'm Alice.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Yeah. Who sent you?- The Young and Old Buddy-Up Foundation.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39The Young and Old Buddy-Up Foundation.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41What's that, then?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Well, it's where young people go and help old people who may need a buddy.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47May need a buddy?!
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- What you supposed to do then anyway? - Cheer you up.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Christ! When's that start?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Want a cup of tea, love?- No, thanks.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- Have a cup of tea, eh, love? - Oh, no, really, I'm fine, thank you.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- What, do you want a coffee? - I don't drink coffee.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08No? Well, have a cup of tea, then, eh?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- You'll like a nice cup of tea. - I don't really like tea.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13No? I do.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20I do like a cup of tea. Oh, I do like a cup of tea, me!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Love a cup of tea!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Anyone could ask me, "Would you like a cup of tea?" I'd say, "Yeah."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"Yeah, love a cup of tea, me."
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Lovely, lovely tea...in a cup.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Love a cup of tea!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Oh! Do you want a cup of tea?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Oh, whatever gave you that idea?!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Course I want a cup of tea!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52"Would you like a cup of tea?" I'm sat here gasping in me own house!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Oh, yeah, that tap don't work.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01RUMBLING
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Oh, hark at that. Can you hear that? That noise?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09That'll be that new family. They've been moving in all week.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Crash, bang, wallop! That's all you ever hear, morning, noon and night.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Oh, bang, bang, bang!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I mean, how much stuff do you need?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Oh, they frighten the life out of me.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And the looks they give you on the stairs.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25You'd think I'd wiped me arse with one of their cats.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- KNOCK AT DOOR - Oh, there are, love. Go on, you get that, will ya? Oh, I don't dare.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Hello?- Hello. Hello, Mrs Taylor.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Hello, sweetheart!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- You all moved in? - Oh, yes, thank you.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Just came to apologise in case there's been any noise.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Has there been any noise?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I ain't heard any.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56This is Alice.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58She's here to cheer me up.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Due to start any time soon.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13Well, just in case, I brought you some lentil dahl and sag aloo.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh, what's that?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19That...curry, is it?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23It's lentil dahl and sag aloo.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Len-dah and sa-loo.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Oh, that's lovely, innit? I shall have a slice of that later.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- See you soon.- Ta-ta, sweetheart! - Ta-ta.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42NAN GAGS
0:05:46 > 0:05:48What a fucking liberty!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Did you see that?!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Did you see that?! I'm lucky I've escaped with me life!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02And did you hear her? Did you hear her?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06"See you soon?" That's a veiled threat if ever I've heard one.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09And look at this poison she's give me!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- What shall I do with it?- Well, don't open it, for gawd's sake!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Never get the smell out the curtains!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Have a look at this mob...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25..junkie, layabout,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28thief, murderer,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32halitosis, fat ankles,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36transvestite.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Come on, move along, love!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Ain't you got to go and have a big fat gypsy wedding?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I'm not a gypsy.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Well, two out of three ain't bad.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02- 73!- Excuse me, dear, my taps don't work.
0:07:02 > 0:07:0473?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Are you talking to me, love?
0:07:06 > 0:07:11- Are you 73?- I'm 75, but this scarf is flattering.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15You need to take a ticket from the machine.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, go and get us a ticket, love.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Now, sit down and wait your turn. - I'm waiting for me ticket.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Sit down.- Here's me ticket.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Congratulations. Now go away and fill out an E-179 form.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I ain't got time to be filling out forms, love.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33I've got to get home. I'm on Skype Sports to Africa, you know?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Excuse me, I'm here for a parking permit.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Blimey! What do you drive, a skip?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Madam, read the sign!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"Our employees and visitors
0:07:45 > 0:07:50"are entitled to be here without threat of abuse or rude language."
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Right. Well...try not to be such a difficult cow, love,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56then you wouldn't need a sign.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Eh? Am I right?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Madam, I will call Security.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Security?!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I'm 75 years old! What do you think I'm going to do?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Knit you another sign that says, "Go and fuck yourself!"
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Security!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Yeah? Yeah, you call Security, love.
0:08:21 > 0:08:28Me and this extremely fat man... will not take this lying down!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30And he can barely get up.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm going to have to ask you to leave, madam.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39No, I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving till me number comes up!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Me and this extremely fat man...
0:08:42 > 0:08:46will chain ourselves to the railings.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- My name's Steve! - Steve...The Extremely Fat Man!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you out.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56You'll never get them on him.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Have a look at his wrists, they're the size of legs!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- I'm going to have to restrain YOU. - What? You've got to be joking!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- I'm afraid not.- What?!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Look...! Oh...! Oh, my gawd!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Oh, my gawd, it's me heart! Oh!- Oh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- MONITOR BEEPS - Paddles.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- PADDLES CHARGE - Clear!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Wait.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Right, then, who wants tea?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Madam, this is a sterile area!
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Well, I washed this morning.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Madam, please leave!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Would she like a cup of tea?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Who is this?
0:09:33 > 0:09:38I am serving a Community Service Order for disturbing the peace
0:09:38 > 0:09:40and simulating a heart attack.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- That is disgraceful!- Hobnob?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49What's all this, then?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Ah.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Is that your son, is it? - That's my granddaughter.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Shame.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Still, it's a nice frame, innit?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- COMPUTER BEEPS - Oh! There he is, love.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Here are, put it down there.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- 'Hello, Nan.'- Hello, darling, how are ya?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Nan, where are you?- Oh, didn't I tell you, love? I'm up the hospital.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- 'No. What is it?'- Yeah, they've sent me up the hospital, in't they?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- 'Why, Nan?'- Why?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm not well.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48- 'Well, you don't look well, Nan.' - No. It's just me blood pressure and me...lung.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52And me heart. And me other lung.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- How's your holiday? - 'It's not a holiday, Nan.'
0:11:00 > 0:11:02How's Kajagoogoo?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07'Ngudu is fine, Nan. Look, are you sure you're all right?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- 'Can I do anything?'- No, love, you just enjoy your holiday.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16'The thing is, Nan, we're at a really crucial stage.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- 'The new filtration system...' - Nan! Nan, the doctor!- Yeah, don't keep on, son. Ta-ta.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Everything all right in here? - Yes, thank you, love.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Now, Alfie, we can't have you moving about
0:11:29 > 0:11:32if you want those bones setting properly.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- Do you understand?- Well... - Yeah, I know, have a Rich Tea.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43It says, as long as you never threaten anyone at the council again
0:11:43 > 0:11:46the matter is closed. However, if you do anything disruptive,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49they will add more hours to your service
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- and you'll be cleaning toilets this time.- Oh. Cleaning toilets this time!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55What are you still doing here, anyway?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Why aren't you out with your mates?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Dunno, just chose to volunteer.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Why's that, love? - Not much to do after school.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Bullied, are you?- No.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Is it cos you're ginger?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- No.- What, the spots?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- No.- The smell?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- No.- Well, you've got to hand it to them bullies, love,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22they ain't gone for the obvious, have they?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28I'm a bit shy.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31There's nothing wrong with shy, darling.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33No-one likes a loudmouth.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41You just remember...to stand up for yourself every now and again
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and don't let anyone push you about.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- OK.- Now get out there and make me a cup of tea
0:12:47 > 0:12:48and do the rest of that washing-up.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Now, what's this?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Is the tap fixed? - No, course it ain't, love.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01No, use the one in the bathroom.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05What we got here? "Hairy Bikers go nuts."
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- TAP SPLUTTERS - What...?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10SHE CACKLES
0:13:13 > 0:13:15SHE CACKLES
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Oh! Has that one packed up an' all?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Look at the state of you. It's like you enjoy it!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Come on, I've had enough of all this. Oh!
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Come on.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Yeah, it's all right, love, I've learned me lesson.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I ain't going to be no trouble. Go and get us a ticket, Alice, love.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48They said if I got any more of that community service lark, I'd have to clear out the khazis.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51No, thank ya!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52All that hospital food?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55People shitting through the eye of a needle?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00No fear. No, I have been rehabilitised.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- Oh, hello, sweetheart.- Oh, hello, Mrs Taylor, how are you today?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Still enjoying my curries?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I 'ave not stopped.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- SHE CACKLES - What you doing up here, darling?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15You looking for a translator?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21No. Why would I want a translator?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Would you like a mint?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Happy news. My son is getting married next week
0:14:32 > 0:14:35and we want to hire the Community Centre for the party.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Oh. Oh, that's smashing, innit? Good luck to you, love.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Bye-bye.- Ta-ta, sweetheart.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47That's all I need, innit?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51A wedding! There'll be mobs of people staying up her flat.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54There'll be an elephant blocking the corridor for a start.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00And you saw what happened on Blue Peter -
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I mean, who's going to clear that up?!
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Not me! I've already done one lot of community service.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08NAN SIGHS
0:15:12 > 0:15:13SHE SIGHS
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Innit hot?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, innit hot, eh?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Oh, I am hot!
0:15:28 > 0:15:29You hot, love?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32You've got to be hot. I mean, it stands to reason, don't it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I mean, if I'm hot...you've got to be roasting, ain't ya?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40You've got to be roasting. I mean, I don't know how you do it, darling, I really don't!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I'd be sick, I'd be so hot.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I would. I'd be sat here...spewing.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52I'd have a bilious attack, then I'd be sick, I would be so hot!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- BUZZER - Number 485.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Oh, here are, that's me.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Anyway, hope you catch a breeze, darling.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09She's got a point, it is hot.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Good afternoon.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Have you filled out your forms? - I have, love.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Did you take the correct forms in the corresponding colours?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yes, I did, dear.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25I have a numbered ticket of which number you have just called out.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I filled out a form from the red section
0:16:28 > 0:16:30and I sat in the blue section.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I've done everything you asked me to do,
0:16:34 > 0:16:39now...could someone please fix my bastard taps?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Right, Mrs Taylor, we've processed all your forms
0:16:50 > 0:16:53and I'm afraid to say that, unfortunately,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55it is not a priority case.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Not a priority case?! I'm 75 years old!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Nonetheless, you're in good health, you live alone...
0:17:01 > 0:17:02What you talking about?!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05My granddaughter, Alice, lives with me now!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07So you have another person to help you around the house?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Well, she's no help, she's useless.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14And...blind.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Blind?!- Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Say hello, Alice.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- Poor blind Alice.- What?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- She's not blind.- She is!- Why's she holding a book?- That's mine.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Percy Jackson And The Lightning Thief? You're reading that?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Yes, I am.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"It's perfectly paced with electrifying moments
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"that chase each other like heartbeats.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50"The New York Times."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53She's not blind, Mrs Taylor. We can all see she's not blind.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Well, she can't!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00May I remind you, Mrs Taylor,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04that impersonating someone with a disability is a crime.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You calling her a liar?!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09My poor blind, ginger Alice?!
0:18:09 > 0:18:13There is no way this girl is blind!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Of course she's blind! If she weren't blind,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18she'd duck.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You see? You all right, love?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32- Security, please!- Oh, leave off!
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- I can't see!- Oh, it's no good now, Alice, she don't believe us.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Really, I can't see!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Oh, don't take the piss, love.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Hark at this.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51"Dear Deirdre, I found my husband wearing my underwear
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"and I don't know what to do."
0:18:53 > 0:18:58Deirdre says, "Your husband is exploring his feminine side,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01"support and encourage him on his journey."
0:19:03 > 0:19:06What a load of old shit!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- COMPUTER BEEPS - Oh! Here are, here are, put it on there.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15'Nan, are you all right? You look worse.'
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I'm all right, darling. You look tired, though, son.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21You should come home and get some rest.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22'I've been up all night.'
0:19:22 > 0:19:26With Agadoodoo?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28'Ngudu, yeah.'
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Is that shit on your face?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- 'It's mud, Nan.' - That's none of my business, love.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- 'We've been building a hut for...' - When you going to come up and see me?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- You going to come up and see me? - 'Nan, how bad is it?'
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Nan! Nan, the doctor!- Oh, I'm going!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47'What?! Nan?!'
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- Where's Alfie?- Er...he just popped to the toilet, doctor.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54He isn't supposed to get out of bed.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I know, doctor, but you know Alfie, he fought in two world wars,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01he's too proud to pony on his mattress.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Finished.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Alfie is a very ill man, Mrs Taylor!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15You have been grossly negligent
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and if there's any relapse in Alfie's condition,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I will hold you entirely responsible.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Thank you very much.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Can I get back in bed? - Of course you can, darling.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29You can have a nice rest...
0:20:29 > 0:20:32just as soon as you make me a nice cup of tea.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33SHE CACKLES
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Ta-ta.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Nan?- Yes, love?- I'm not going to do this any more.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Do what?- I've put in for a transfer.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- I'm going to be working with another lady.- What?!
0:20:50 > 0:20:55- Well, it's just... It's not you. - Well, I know it's not me.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Of course it's you! It's definitely you!
0:21:00 > 0:21:04You keep getting me into trouble. You nearly blinded me and...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06you're not very nice.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11You told me to stand up for meself.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Yeah, well, good for you.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I don't need you, anyway. Who you going to buddy up with instead?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Her name's Lizzie Maynard. - Oh, not old Lizzie Maynard!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Good luck with her, love. What a moaner!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29She don't stop banging on about her boiler.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Boiler this, boiler that.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Boiler! Boiler! Boiler!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Have fun with her, love.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Bye, then.- Ta-ta!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- Here, Alice.- Yeah?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46We had a laugh, didn't we?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49No.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- OVER PHONE:- 'Please state clearly the nature of the repair.'
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Me tap.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59'Please repeat that.'
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Me tap.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06'I'm sorry I don't understand "me-tap".'
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Me...
0:22:10 > 0:22:13bastard...tap!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- 'Press zero for more options.'- Oh!
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- 'If you are calling regarding recycling, press one.'- No.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- 'If you are calling regarding pest control, press two.'- No.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32'If you are calling because you are Mrs Joannie Taylor,
0:22:32 > 0:22:38'please find something else to do with your time and never show your face again at the council office.'
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Shove it...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47up...your...arse!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Number 561.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- SHE SPEAKS FLATLY:- Hello.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I am a woman.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I was wondering if you might help me.
0:23:21 > 0:23:27The flat what I am currently staying in has a problem with the taps.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29And what is your name?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Mrs...
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Smith.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Is it?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40And what is the current address you're staying at?
0:23:40 > 0:23:4210 Devonshire Court.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49How interesting, that's where a Mrs Joannie Taylor lives.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53With her blind granddaughter, yes.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And according to our records
0:23:55 > 0:23:59is no longer allowed within a one-mile radius of this office.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I didn't know that.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Just as well I came instead, then.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I just want to know why you suddenly changed your mind?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- It's the council's decision, not mine!- But you could help!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14What's the matter, sweetheart?
0:24:15 > 0:24:20Miss Donnelly says she will not allow my son to get married in the Community Centre
0:24:20 > 0:24:23because they're not allowed to have a religious service.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27What?! That's disgraceful!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30First your wedding, now my taps.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33When are you going to get off your bony arse and help us?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I'm not! And I am delighted to say
0:24:36 > 0:24:40that this little charade of yours is now officially over.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I have you on camera attempting to commit identity fraud,
0:24:44 > 0:24:49engaging in abusive behaviour and contravening your restraining order.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Yeah, and what part of that's against the law?
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- All of it.- Is it? Is it? Right, well, I won't keep you.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Oh, come on, don't be like that!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- How long we known each other, Darren?- It's Geoff.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Well, it's close enough.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh, no, you don't!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You can't get away with this, Ms Donnelly.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Here, what you doing here? I thought you'd left me for old Lizzie Maynard.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Oh, she kept banging on about her boiler.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25- I told you, didn't I? - Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You are in contravention of council rules, which stipulate
0:25:28 > 0:25:32that all employees must prioritise members of the community over 74
0:25:32 > 0:25:34and always treat them with respect.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You've been fucking horrible!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42NAN CACKLES
0:25:46 > 0:25:48That's Braille, by the way.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Of course I'm horrible!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58You try dealing with you scum day in, day out.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I mean, look at you all -
0:26:00 > 0:26:02layabout, junkie, thief, murderer,
0:26:02 > 0:26:07halitosis, an extremely fat man!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11For goodness' sake! My BMI is only slightly above average!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15How dare you speak to these wonderful people like that?!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Who do you think you are?!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21We are a community!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24We are individuals who come together!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27ALL: Yes!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Whether Indian,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32morbidly obese...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35..drag act...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39..or Muslim like meself.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44We are a community who supports and cares for one another!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- ALL: Yeah!- Right?- Yeah!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50And if you won't let these fine upstanding people
0:26:50 > 0:26:53have a wedding in our Community Centre,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55then fuck ya, you miserable old witch,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57they can have it back at my flat.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58ALL: Yeah!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00ALL CHEER
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Come on! All back to mine!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# I've got my beer in the sideboard here
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here... #
0:27:15 > 0:27:20I didn't realise there was this many of you, you're multiplying like a virus.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Right, no, you're not bringing that elephant in here,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24what do we do if it needs to go to the lav?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I've already been to the toilet!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Make yourself at home, love.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Here, listen, it's only one onion bhaji per head, all right?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Thank you so much for helping us.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40It's all I could do, darling, after all them lovely curries.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Hit it, boys!
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- ALL:- # I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# I've got my beer in the sideboard here
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here
0:27:49 > 0:27:54- # I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round... # - Nan!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Nan, what is going on? I thought you were on your deathbed?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Oh...
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Yeah...
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I got better, didn't I?
0:28:08 > 0:28:12I left behind a whole school of children who needed help.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Did ya?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Never mind.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Here, while you're here, son, you couldn't have a quick look at my taps, could you?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23SHE CACKLES
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Hit it, fellas!
0:28:26 > 0:28:30- ALL:- # I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here
0:28:30 > 0:28:31# I've got my beer in the sideboard here
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here
0:28:34 > 0:28:38# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here
0:28:38 > 0:28:39# I've got my beer in the sideboard here
0:28:39 > 0:28:42# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here
0:28:42 > 0:28:45# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here
0:28:45 > 0:28:47# I've got my beer in the sideboard here
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here
0:28:53 > 0:28:55# I've got my beer in the sideboard here... #