0:00:07 > 0:00:11BIG BAND SWING JAZZ
0:00:54 > 0:00:57TEMPO OF MUSIC DOUBLES
0:01:22 > 0:01:26MUSIC TEMPO REVERTS TO HALF-TIME
0:01:38 > 0:01:40MUSIC CLIMAXES
0:01:40 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57The security in this place is getting ridiculous!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Thank you very much indeed. Good evening and welcome to the show.
0:02:25 > 0:02:31And here we go again. Same old stool. Same ashtray, same dog ends.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:35And thank God they didn't empty that.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Oh, God! That's great!
0:02:48 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Do you know, a lot of people write in and ask me,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and say why do I drink during the show
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and is it because I need the drink to get through the show.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01And I can tell you here and now actually, the reason
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I drink is because it does...
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Sitting here for 45 minutes, you get very hot.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07There's a tremendous amount of lights
0:03:07 > 0:03:12and the only reason I have the drink is basically to keep cool.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I want to make it quite clear that I'm not
0:03:14 > 0:03:17reliant on alcohol in any way to get me right through...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19GET AWAY FROM THAT!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:27We had a very famous man in Ireland once, called Daniel O'Connell.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29One of Ireland's greatest wits, writers,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33poets and politicians and he once said of alcohol...
0:03:33 > 0:03:37INCOMPREHENSIBLE SLURRING
0:03:37 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:42APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Little fellow walking into a bar and standing outside is a nun
0:03:49 > 0:03:50and she looks at him and she says,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54"Before you enter this den of iniquity,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58"think of your mother and your father!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:00He said, "They're dead.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"They're dead in heaven."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08She said, "Well, think of the damage
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"the alcohol is going to do to your brain!"
0:04:13 > 0:04:17"What? What are you talking about?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18"Have you ever had a drink?"
0:04:18 > 0:04:20And the nun says, "No."
0:04:20 > 0:04:23He says, "Well, how the hell can you stand there talking about it
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"and saying drink is going to do damage to your brain
0:04:25 > 0:04:26"if you've never had it?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"I'll tell you what, I'll go in, get you a drink, bring it out,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"give it to you, you drink it.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"If you don't like it, THEN you can talk about it
0:04:33 > 0:04:36"but don't talk about things you've never experienced."
0:04:36 > 0:04:40"What will you have?" And the nun says, "I don't know.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"What do ladies generally drink?"
0:04:42 > 0:04:45He says, "Gin." She says, "All right. I'll have a gin."
0:04:46 > 0:04:50"But get it in a cup so nobody will notice."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:56And the fellow goes into the bar and he says, "Give us a pint of beer and a double gin in a cup."
0:04:56 > 0:05:00And the fella says, "Is that bloody nun out there again?"
0:05:00 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Get a little drunk in St James's Park.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I don't mean you get a little drunk, I mean there was a little drunk.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14And he's looking at the duckies.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21"I wouldn't...I wouldn't mind having one of them ducks for my dinner.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"If-If... If I get a big stick
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"and I bang one of them ducks on the...on the...on the head...
0:05:30 > 0:05:34"..I'm going to take him home and eat him."
0:05:34 > 0:05:38And there's one little duck sitting by himself out of the water, nodding.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39HE SNORES
0:05:39 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:43So the fellow gets a big stick
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and he runs over to the duck and he goes...BOOM!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48And the duck goes "Eeargh!"
0:05:48 > 0:05:51He picks it up by the neck and tears all the feathers out of it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Plucks it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56And just then, as he's finished plucking the bird,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59he sees a park keeper walking towards him
0:05:59 > 0:06:01so he throws the duck into the lake.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04And the water revives the duck.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09And there is this totally bald duck walking around going,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"Quack, quack, quack, quack...!"
0:06:13 > 0:06:17And the park keeper comes up and he says, "What are you doing?"
0:06:17 > 0:06:18He said, "I'm sit... I'm sitting here."
0:06:22 > 0:06:26"I'm sitting here. looking at the duckies in the water going,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"Quackie, quackie, quackie!"
0:06:28 > 0:06:31He said, "You are trying to steal one of our ducks."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"I'm not trying to steal a duckie!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:37He said, "There is a bald duck in the water
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"and there's all these feathers around you. Explain that."
0:06:40 > 0:06:45He said, "Well, I was just sitting here having a talk with the duckie
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"and he said he'd like to go for a swim
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"and I said, 'OK, I'll mind your clothes.' "
0:06:49 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- SLURS DRUNKENLY: - I name this ship...
0:06:59 > 0:07:00I-I name this ship...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Just a minute, sir.- Ssssh!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07What is the... What is the name of this ship?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Hypernen... Hypernenenen.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Hypernenenenenen.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I name this ship...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Hyper...
0:07:18 > 0:07:20ALL: Whoooo!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Bloody thing's gone!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33At one time of my life, I was what they call a freelance reporter
0:07:33 > 0:07:36and I used to spend a great deal of time in the law courts of Dublin.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Now, if you want logic,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39that's the strangest place in the world to go to.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I heard a judge say to a fellow one morning,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45he said, "Have you ever been up before me?"
0:07:45 > 0:07:48And the fellow said, "I don't know. What time do you get up?"
0:07:48 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I saw a counsel, a rather pompous counsel,
0:07:54 > 0:08:00being taken down by the honesty of a little fellow.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04The counsel said, "Are you married?"
0:08:04 > 0:08:06He says, "Yes, sir."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09He said, "To whom are you married?"
0:08:09 > 0:08:11He says, "A woman."
0:08:13 > 0:08:15And he said, "Really.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16"You are actually swearing, under oath,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"that you are married to a woman?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:20He said, "Yes, sir."
0:08:20 > 0:08:22He said, "Incredible.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"Have you ever heard of anyone being married to a man?"
0:08:25 > 0:08:27He said, "Yes, sir. My sister."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:31 > 0:08:34What are the charges laid against the defendant?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Parking on a double yellow line, my lord.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Parking on a double yellow line. How do you plead?
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Not guilty, your honour.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48All the evidence before me suggests that you ARE guilty.
0:08:48 > 0:08:54And after giving this case due consideration, I so find you guilty.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And the sentence of the court upon you
0:08:56 > 0:09:00is that you be taken from this place to a lawful prison
0:09:00 > 0:09:04and from thence to a place of execution
0:09:04 > 0:09:09and that there, on a date appointed by the court,
0:09:09 > 0:09:13you be hanged by the neck until you are dead.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18And may the Lord have mercy upon your soul.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- It's only a parking offence, my lord.- What? What?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- It's only a parking offence. It's a £2 fine!- Oh. Oh.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30You will also pay a £2 fine.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:36 > 0:09:38The most boring place ever to be trapped
0:09:38 > 0:09:41is in a motorcar in a traffic jam going nowhere.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44And what you've got to do is learn to keep yourself occupied.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I do a lot of things in motor cars when I'm sitting there.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52I have actually become the most... mobile of conductors
0:09:52 > 0:09:56as far as radio is concerned. I sit there and conduct the radio.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02I occasionally upset the people who are around me by picking my nose.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Not really. I just drive that up there.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Actually, the thing to do is to try and attract the attention
0:10:16 > 0:10:19of other people, even if you just blow the horn, it doesn't matter.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Just blow and do odd things. I do one. I go URK!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And they go...and I go...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I'll tell you...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43If you get a fellow, you know how you sit,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47or people sit in a traffic jam and they'll read the paper.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49If you get behind one of those fellows
0:10:49 > 0:10:52and they're stuck in the paper, they forget the course of time
0:10:52 > 0:10:55and they're reading away, all you've got to do is blow your horn.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58They think the traffic's moved on and they'll drive straight on.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05As well as that, you get their attention, and go...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15You've got them going then.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19And they're all going...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Nothing worse than actually watching someone trying to thread a needle.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Everybody thinks they can do it better than you
0:11:29 > 0:11:31and I haven't even got one.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:50APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Yeah?- Tea, please.- One tea.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:42APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:49There was a fellow talking to a fellow in Ireland and he said, "Did you go away for your holidays?"
0:14:49 > 0:14:52He said, "I did. I went over to the continent with my friend, Charlie."
0:14:52 > 0:14:53He said, "Who's Charlie?"
0:14:53 > 0:14:56He said, "Remember that fellow I knocked over with the car?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58"Broke all his legs, bits, pieces."
0:14:58 > 0:15:02He said, "I took him as a kind of just a kind of...feeling.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06"We went over to Paris. Went up in the Eiffel Tower."
0:15:06 > 0:15:08He said, "Did Charlie go with you?" He said, "No, no.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12"Charlie can't walk without his crutches."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I said, "Where did you go, then?" "We went down to Italy, Pisa,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"I went up in the Leaning Tower." "Did Charlie go with you?" "No, no.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"Charlie can't walk without his crutches.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26"We went to Rome. Talked to the Pope, we did.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"Actually, he talked to us.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"He talked to Charlie." "What did he say?"
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"He says, 'Charlie...'
0:15:34 > 0:15:38"He didn't have an Irish accent...
0:15:38 > 0:15:42"He said, 'Charlie, throw away your left crutch.'
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"And Charlie threw it away." "Did he?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48"What did he say, then?"
0:15:48 > 0:15:52"He said, 'Charlie, throw away your right crutch.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"And Charlie threw it away." "What happened, then?"
0:15:55 > 0:15:59"And the Pope says to Charlie, 'Charlie, walk!' "
0:15:59 > 0:16:00"Did he walk?"
0:16:00 > 0:16:03"No, he fell over. He can't walk without his crutches."
0:16:03 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I don't know if you've ever noticed,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12but there are times when my glass is nearly empty.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Not very often, but occasionally.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18And then, I introduce some sketches
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and when we come back after the sketches, by some miracle,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23my glass is full again.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Well...
0:16:30 > 0:16:33..my glass is very nearly empty now,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36which might signify to the more observant members
0:16:36 > 0:16:39of the audience that I am about to introduce some sketches.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54MOUTHS
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Bibble-bibble-bibble!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Rapunzel!
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Rapunzel!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It is I, your prince.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Let down your hair.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33SHE SCREAMS
0:18:24 > 0:18:28APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:38BATH DRAINS LOUDLY
0:18:47 > 0:18:51PLUG GURGLES
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Haven't you finished that book yet?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"Haven't you finished that book yet?"
0:18:57 > 0:19:00All you do is read. You're on night work all the week,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03you only have one night off and what do you do when we get to bed? Read!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Oh, shut up!- Well, there are other things to do in bed.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Ha-ha! What, with you looking like that?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13A month-old trifle!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh, very funny, aren't we?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Since we're here to sleep, perhaps you'll get up
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and close that window and put that cigarette out.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23You know I can't sleep with the window open. And put that light out.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25God almighty!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27"Put your cigarette out, turn the light off,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29"can't sleep with the window open..." Can't do nothing.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30GOD!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- What is it?- It's your husband!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Quick! The cupboard!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41It's been three and a half years since I worked in television.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Things have changed, I've changed.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45One of the main changes
0:19:45 > 0:19:48you'll probably notice, there is no ashtray.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I have given it up.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56I, a heavy smoker... I used to even smoke in between smokes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I've given it up. Totally changed.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02The most extraordinary thing about giving up smoking,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05to non-smokers, I'm...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I'm a convert.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I've come over. I've joined them.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13They're proud of me. They say, "Good for you!
0:20:13 > 0:20:17"You've given up the filthy habit! Good! Good!"
0:20:18 > 0:20:23The heavy smokers who used to be my allies, I'm a traitor!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"Bloody Judas!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"You, of all people!"
0:20:28 > 0:20:32But one of the good things, or one of the new things
0:20:32 > 0:20:35about giving up smoking, is that I now have my sense of smell back.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I can actually get up in the morning and open the window
0:20:38 > 0:20:42and breathe in and smell again...
0:20:42 > 0:20:43petrol!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Carbon monoxide, dog shit...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I mean, taste...
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I actually thought when I used to eat food it was the smoking,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I had no taste.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It's not the smoking, it's the food!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's bloody tasteless!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12And now, the whole thing about being a smoker is it's very
0:21:12 > 0:21:16difficult in today's society because the pressures are on smokers.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Society frowns upon smokers.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22There are signs everywhere. See them here?
0:21:22 > 0:21:28"No smoking! Smoking is not allowed! Smoking is forbidden!"
0:21:28 > 0:21:30The Americans, they're totally lunatic about it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32When I was in America, I was smoking
0:21:32 > 0:21:35and a woman stopped me in the street.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39She said, "You're smoking!" Like I'd exposed myself!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I said, "Yes, madam."
0:21:41 > 0:21:43She said, "You have a cigarette in your mouth!"
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I said, "I know. I've been smoking for years.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"That's the only way I know how."
0:21:49 > 0:21:52A couple of years ago, I actually decided,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I don't think from pressure or anything else,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I decided I would give up smoking
0:21:56 > 0:21:59because I have teenage children and I knew that one day,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02my teenage children were going to come in, smoking.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And I didn't actually think that I could be hypocritical enough
0:22:05 > 0:22:06to sit there and watch them go...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09And I'm going... "Don't do that!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10"Filthy habit! Give it to me!"
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I decided...I would give up smoking and then I thought that
0:22:18 > 0:22:22because what actually happens, if you are a smoker,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25when it actually comes to giving up smoking, you're two people.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28There's the person who wants to smoke and the person who doesn't.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32You have a kind of Jekyll and Hyde going with you all the time.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37I woke up one morning, it was 8am, and I sat there and thought,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"That's it. This is actually the day I will give up smoking."
0:22:42 > 0:22:46And then I thought, "I don't really want to give it up.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"What you should actually do is cut it down.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"What you should do is actually think,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53" 'You'll only smoke when you enjoy smoking.'
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"You like smoking, you get a certain pleasure out of it,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00"but what you should do is just take the moments that you really
0:23:00 > 0:23:03"get the most enjoyment and that's the time to smoke.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"When do you enjoy smoking most?" I thought, "After a meal.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10"When I've had a meal, that's when I enjoy smoking." "Fine.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11"You can have 12 a day."
0:23:15 > 0:23:19I'm actually sitting there, 8am, going, "Fine, 12. That's good.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"Right, 12 cigarettes.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25"It's eight o'clock now,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"I won't go to bed before 12 o'clock tonight.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"That's 16 hours. 12 cigarettes.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37"That's an hour and 20 minutes for every cigarette.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"And I've finished that one.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41"23 minutes past eight.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"I've only got 11 cigarettes."
0:23:45 > 0:23:47My wife comes in, "Good morning." "SHUT UP!"
0:23:49 > 0:23:53"Why's going to drive the children?" "LET THEM WALK!"
0:23:55 > 0:23:5912 o'clock noon, I have gone through nine cigarettes.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I'm a lunatic.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I'm sitting there... "Oh, my God! 12 hours!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"God! What am I doing?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"Please help me! Please help me!"
0:24:12 > 0:24:16"Wait! You have some cigarettes. You've got three cigarettes left.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"That's four hours' smoking.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"You can cut them in half."
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Then I'm thinking, "That'll be two dog ends.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"Two butts, I'll be throwing away more cigarettes."
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"Wait, wait, wait." And I'm trying to explain to myself.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Now here I am, being a smoker since I was so big, I am now going through
0:24:33 > 0:24:37the first withdrawal symptoms I have ever gone through in my life.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41I explained this. "Listen, listen, wait, calm down.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44"You are actually experiencing withdrawal symptoms.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"This is your first time.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"It's difficult, you know it, but you've got to persevere.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"Tomorrow, it's not going to be so difficult
0:24:53 > 0:24:56"because you'll have experienced what it is today,
0:24:56 > 0:24:57"so tomorrow won't be so bad.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00"But you'll still have 12 cigarettes tomorrow
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"and you won't need those 12 cigarettes tomorrow.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07"You'll probably only need five or six, or four.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08"So take those eight today and..."
0:25:20 > 0:25:25SOUNDS OF DISTANT BATTLE
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Before we shoot you, do you have any last requests?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Si.- What is it?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I would like to hear you sing a song, huh?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12For me, before I die.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Me? Sing a song?- Yeah, sing a song.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Oh, if you insist. I might not know all the words.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Ahem.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# Granada
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# I have you under my spell
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# La-la-la, la-la-la
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# La-la-la, la-la-la... #
0:26:34 > 0:26:37GUNFIRE
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- Captain Hardy, sir. Do you think the admiral will live?- I'm not sure.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57But stand by to signal any development to the fleet.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02I've arranged to fire one cannon should my Lord Nelson recover,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05but two shots if he should die.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Look, sir.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10The Admiral's reviving. He's getting better!
0:27:10 > 0:27:11ALL: Hooray!
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Well done, sir! Permission to signal the good news to the fleet.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Carry on, Hardy.- Aye, aye, sir.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Fire one!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23CANNON FIRES
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Fire two and three.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Halt. We must inspect this cart.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43You British fools, always you are trying to escape.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45And always, we are finding you!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Always!
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Yargh!
0:27:53 > 0:27:59There is no way the wool you are pulling over our eyes. Open ze gate!
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Two fellas at the dogs.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20And they're saying, "What do you fancy for this one here?"
0:28:20 > 0:28:23"I tink... I tink...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25"I tink....
0:28:25 > 0:28:28"Trap two. Trap two for this race."
0:28:28 > 0:28:29There's a fellow behind him.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32He says, "I wouldn't bet on trap two, if I were you.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"Trap five is a winner.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36"Trap two is in there as a blind."
0:28:36 > 0:28:40"Do you think so?" So they put the money on five.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42And it goes down and two wins.
0:28:44 > 0:28:49"What about the second race?" He says, "I tink one for this one."
0:28:49 > 0:28:53"Right, we'll put the money on one." Your man's behind him again.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57He says, "No, one is a terrible lame duck.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01"He's only there as a runner. I wouldn't touch him."
0:29:01 > 0:29:02"You said that the last time."
0:29:02 > 0:29:07"The last time, I made a mistake, but this time, don't bet one!
0:29:07 > 0:29:09"Put your money on six!"
0:29:10 > 0:29:14"What do you think?" "Well, he seems to know an awful lot about it.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20"We'd better put the money on six."
0:29:20 > 0:29:24"He says, "Right, put the money on six," it goes down, one wins.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28They go right through the card. They lose everything.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30At the end of the races, "How much have you got?"
0:29:30 > 0:29:32"I've got four bob." "God, I'm starving.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35"Will you go and get two cheese sandwiches?"
0:29:35 > 0:29:38He goes off, comes back with two ham sandwiches.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44He said, "I thought you were going to get cheese."
0:29:44 > 0:29:46He said, "I met that fella again."
0:29:54 > 0:29:56- Morning.- Morning.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Morning.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Morning.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03ALL OTHERS: Morning.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08- Morning.- ALL OTHERS: Morning.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10- Morning.- ALL OTHERS: Morning.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25- Morning.- ALL OTHERS: Morning.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Morning. ALL OTHERS: Morning.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33- Morning.- ALL: Morning.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50AUDIENCE SIGH
0:30:50 > 0:30:53APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:55People are very intolerant of each other.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57The most amazing thing about intolerant people
0:30:57 > 0:31:00is that they are generally animal lovers.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04And especially in this country, we are brought up to love animals.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Forget about people, animals.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Dogs... Dogs...
0:31:10 > 0:31:11You adore them.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Forget about people, dogs!
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Dogs get away with anything.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18You never hear of anybody saying to a dog,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21"Wipe your feet before you come in.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23"Don't put your feet on the couch."
0:31:23 > 0:31:25People are always talking to dogs.
0:31:25 > 0:31:29You hear people, intelligent people... "My baby."
0:31:29 > 0:31:32"Who's my watchy-woogie-joogie..?"
0:31:33 > 0:31:39Chuckle them under the... The dog's... Hmmmm, hmmm.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Me, I'm sitting there, going, "Me, me, me, cuddle me..."
0:31:42 > 0:31:44"How dare you, you swine!"
0:31:47 > 0:31:51They brush them. "Mummy's going to brush you nice...
0:31:51 > 0:31:54"All those little bits.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57"Mummy's got a nice steak for you that she's going to chop up
0:31:57 > 0:32:00"so you won't wear your teeth down."
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Husband comes home, "Where's my dinner?"
0:32:02 > 0:32:05"In the bloody oven, if you want to go and get it, get!"
0:32:05 > 0:32:08LAUGHTER
0:32:08 > 0:32:11People buy dogs little rubber bones.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Rubber bones. For a dog.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17He sits there and he bites it and his teeth fly up.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24And he's so thick, he's so happy to bloody do it all day.
0:32:26 > 0:32:31APPLAUSE
0:32:31 > 0:32:34You walk into a house, you sit down.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36It's always those little terriers.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37Boom, they're on your leg.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47And nobody says a word. They sit there with this thing on.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49And the owner of the dog will say,
0:32:49 > 0:32:51"That's his way of showing you that he likes you."
0:32:51 > 0:32:54LAUGHTER
0:32:54 > 0:32:57I actually saw a dog having the leg of a table!
0:32:57 > 0:33:01LAUGHTER
0:33:01 > 0:33:05And the child said to the mother, "What's he doing, Mummy?"
0:33:05 > 0:33:09And the mother said, "He's helping Mummy polish the furniture."
0:33:09 > 0:33:12LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:15You actually think of it here.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19If any person in this audience now...
0:33:21 > 0:33:25..suddenly wished to perform the act of love
0:33:25 > 0:33:29with a member of the opposite sex here.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31What the hell would happen? I wouldn't mind.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33LAUGHTER
0:33:33 > 0:33:36But the rest of you, you'd turn around and say, "Oh, my God,
0:33:36 > 0:33:38"you've never seen anything so dirty in your life!
0:33:38 > 0:33:41"I went to the studios and there's somebody screwing somebody."
0:33:41 > 0:33:43LAUGHTER
0:33:43 > 0:33:45But if you're an Alsatian, you'd get away with it!
0:33:45 > 0:33:47LAUGHTER
0:33:47 > 0:33:50APPLAUSE
0:33:56 > 0:34:01There are two subjects that are very touchy regarding the public.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Dogs is one of them.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Religion is the other.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06I've just done dogs.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Here comes religion.
0:34:20 > 0:34:26LAUGHTER
0:34:37 > 0:34:43LAUGHTER
0:34:43 > 0:34:45HE WHISTLES
0:35:11 > 0:35:16HYMN MUSIC PLAYS
0:35:18 > 0:35:22LAUGHTER
0:35:32 > 0:35:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:38 > 0:35:41The Pope discussing the existence of God
0:35:41 > 0:35:46with an out-and-out atheist starts off very correctly in discussion
0:35:46 > 0:35:49and as the hours go by, it gets more and more heated
0:35:49 > 0:35:52and eventually the Pope turns to the man and he said, "The mum,
0:35:52 > 0:35:55"get the mum and you come here..."
0:35:56 > 0:35:59LAUGHTER
0:35:59 > 0:36:05"You are like a man who's totally blindfolded.
0:36:05 > 0:36:11"In a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there."
0:36:14 > 0:36:16The fella said, "Well, with all respect, your Holiness,
0:36:16 > 0:36:19"I think there's a great similarity between us both."
0:36:19 > 0:36:21He said, "What do you mean, a similarity?"
0:36:21 > 0:36:23He said, "Well, as far as I'm concerned,
0:36:23 > 0:36:27"YOU are like a man who is blindfolded in a totally dark room
0:36:27 > 0:36:29"looking for a black cat that isn't there.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32"The only difference is that you've found it."
0:36:32 > 0:36:34LAUGHTER
0:36:34 > 0:36:38APPLAUSE
0:36:38 > 0:36:44But a nun gets up in the morning and leaves and walks down the corridor.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46And another nun looks at her and says...
0:36:46 > 0:36:48it's a difficult thing to say, "another nun."
0:36:48 > 0:36:50LAUGHTER
0:36:50 > 0:36:54And says, "You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
0:36:57 > 0:36:59And she goes on down and another nun says,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02"You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
0:37:02 > 0:37:05And this happens 15 times and by then she's livid.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07And she meets the Mother Superior.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11And the Mother Superior's just about to open her mouth and the Sister says,
0:37:11 > 0:37:15"Don't tell me that I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
0:37:17 > 0:37:19And the mother Superior said, "I wasn't going to say that,
0:37:19 > 0:37:21"I was just going to say,
0:37:21 > 0:37:23" 'What are you doing with the Bishop's shoes on?' "
0:37:23 > 0:37:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:36 > 0:37:37HE GASPS
0:37:37 > 0:37:39HE MOANS
0:37:39 > 0:37:40HE SNEEZES
0:37:47 > 0:37:49LAUGHTER
0:37:54 > 0:37:56HE BURPS
0:38:01 > 0:38:03LAUGHTER
0:38:14 > 0:38:16LAUGHTER
0:38:21 > 0:38:26LAUGHTER
0:38:30 > 0:38:33MORE LAUGHTER
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Who the BLEEP threw that?
0:38:44 > 0:38:48APPLAUSE
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Any job can get you down.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56It's a story about a priest who went to the doctor and said,
0:38:56 > 0:39:00he said, "I'm just, I'm just up to here with the job."
0:39:00 > 0:39:03He said, "I can't concentrate on the Mass,
0:39:03 > 0:39:09"the confessional or the poor or the elderly. I just cannot.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12"I don't know why, what it is but I've lost all interest."
0:39:12 > 0:39:16And the doctor said, "Well, what you want is a change.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19"You want a complete change. A breakaway.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21"What you want to do is take your collar off,
0:39:21 > 0:39:25"get dressed up as a layman and just go off and do things."
0:39:27 > 0:39:29And the priest does.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Four weeks later, he's in the Playboy Club in London.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36He is on his third Scotch.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38He's won 50 quid on the table upstairs.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40"Wheeee!"
0:39:42 > 0:39:44And a bunny walks over to him.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47With big ears...
0:39:48 > 0:39:49..a little tail...
0:39:51 > 0:39:54LAUGHTER
0:39:54 > 0:39:56You could land a helicopter on them.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59LAUGHTER
0:40:01 > 0:40:04And she says, "Hello, Father O'Rourke."
0:40:09 > 0:40:10"You don't know me, do you?"
0:40:10 > 0:40:13She said, "Of course I know you, don't you recognise me?"
0:40:13 > 0:40:14He said, "No."
0:40:14 > 0:40:16She said, "I'm Sister Bridget, we go to the same doctor."
0:40:16 > 0:40:20LAUGHTER
0:40:21 > 0:40:25HE CHANTS A PRAYE
0:40:27 > 0:40:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:46 > 0:40:50PUPPET VOICE: Gless 'e Hather, for I ha' sinned.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53I had geen 'ery, 'ery wicked.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56I had my way with geautiful glondes.
0:40:57 > 0:41:04I ha' geen goozing and swearing and I am hery, hery sorry.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08- HE SPEAKS WITH PUPPET: - You have geen a very, very...
0:41:08 > 0:41:10SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER
0:41:12 > 0:41:14This represents the continuum of Anglican orthodoxy...
0:41:14 > 0:41:17MAN SNORERS
0:41:19 > 0:41:22..which we embrace within the litany
0:41:22 > 0:41:25and indeed the liturgical Canon...
0:41:25 > 0:41:27of the term ultra...
0:41:27 > 0:41:28PHWEEP!
0:41:28 > 0:41:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:34 > 0:41:37I am...I am what you would...
0:41:37 > 0:41:40what you might call a practising atheist.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42LAUGHTER
0:41:42 > 0:41:44I'm quite happy to be an atheist
0:41:44 > 0:41:48because I think actually God likes atheists better.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50We never ask him for anything.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53We're not bothering him all the time to say, "Oh, God, please help me.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55- "I want this..." - LAUGHTER
0:41:55 > 0:41:59And, as a practising atheist, there's certain things...
0:41:59 > 0:42:01I travel around the world and, no matter where I go,
0:42:01 > 0:42:04somebody called Gideon leaves me this book to read.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07LAUGHTER
0:42:07 > 0:42:11It's an Irish book because it said it all began at the beginning.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17There are certain things that when I read the Bible,
0:42:17 > 0:42:21and I do read the Bible, that I find difficult to understand.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25If God has been there for ever, what was he doing before he got to us?
0:42:25 > 0:42:27I mean, what was he out there doing?
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Was he sitting there going, "Bibble-bibble-bibble"?
0:42:29 > 0:42:32- HE YAWNS - "I'm bored today, what will I do?"
0:42:32 > 0:42:33And then suddenly from nowhere,
0:42:33 > 0:42:35he suddenly decided to create a world.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39"I'll make a world. Make a world, yes, that's what I'll do."
0:42:39 > 0:42:40Rivers.
0:42:40 > 0:42:41Seas.
0:42:41 > 0:42:42Mountains.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45HE POPS AND CLICKS
0:42:45 > 0:42:48"Whoom!" Everything is there.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51"I want a garden. I'd like a nice garden."
0:42:51 > 0:42:54"Whack!" Garden of Eden.
0:42:54 > 0:42:55"I hate gardening.
0:42:57 > 0:43:00"Need a gardener. Ah, gardener, spit and dust..."
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Adam. Boo!
0:43:02 > 0:43:06And he, Adam, never once says,
0:43:06 > 0:43:09"Where in the name of God did I come from?"
0:43:09 > 0:43:11I mean, he's 40 years of age.
0:43:11 > 0:43:12He has no child, he has no recall.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15He doesn't say, "How did I get here?"
0:43:15 > 0:43:18But he's quite happy. He just kind of trundles around the garden,
0:43:18 > 0:43:22working away, and God is looking at him...
0:43:22 > 0:43:23and he sees that Adam was happy.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27LAUGHTER
0:43:35 > 0:43:38"I didn't put him there to be happy.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41"I'll put a stop to that."
0:43:41 > 0:43:45And God, during the night, sneaks down like a thief and steals -
0:43:45 > 0:43:50doesn't ask, doesn't request - steals his rib.
0:43:50 > 0:43:54And from his rib he makes woman. And Adam wakes up in the morning.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56He's a real thicky...
0:43:58 > 0:44:01..he's lying there and he thinks... There's somebody else.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05He doesn't say, "Where did you come from? How the hell did you get here?
0:44:05 > 0:44:07"Where did you get those lumps?"
0:44:12 > 0:44:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:44:20 > 0:44:22He just goes out and goes gardening.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27And God comes down and has a conversation with Eve,
0:44:27 > 0:44:30and tells her that she can eat of any fruit in the tree...
0:44:32 > 0:44:34..in the whole garden,
0:44:34 > 0:44:37with the exception of one fruit tree.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39He's talking to a woman!
0:44:43 > 0:44:46He actually tells her not to eat of the fruit
0:44:46 > 0:44:49and then when she says, "Which tree can't I eat?"
0:44:49 > 0:44:52He says, "That one over there." He points it out to her.
0:44:55 > 0:45:00And when he goes and hides, and she sneaks up to the tree
0:45:00 > 0:45:05and a snake comes down and has conversation. A snake.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08Now, if I see a snake, I'll back off.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11One starts talking, I'll crap myself.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:45:20 > 0:45:23And the snake actually convinces her to eat the apple.
0:45:23 > 0:45:24And she eats the apple.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27And, when she eats the apple, she learns shame.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30That's what happens when you eat apples.
0:45:30 > 0:45:32She's not ashamed that she's disobeyed God,
0:45:32 > 0:45:34or that she's eaten the apple.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37She's ashamed of here, one part of her body, that's all.
0:45:38 > 0:45:43She becomes ashamed of that area of the body. And why that area?
0:45:43 > 0:45:44Why not her elbow?
0:45:46 > 0:45:48Her nose?
0:45:48 > 0:45:52Do you actually realise that if Eve had been ashamed of her nose,
0:45:52 > 0:45:55every woman in the world would now be ashamed of your noses.
0:45:55 > 0:45:59You'd all be sitting here tonight with little nose knickers on.
0:46:03 > 0:46:06Men would be in night clubs watching totally naked ladies
0:46:06 > 0:46:07with G-strings on their nose.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13"Take them off! Oh, I saw a nose!"
0:46:17 > 0:46:20And this is the book, this is the book that you'll go in to court
0:46:20 > 0:46:21and place your hand upon.
0:46:24 > 0:46:27And swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
0:46:27 > 0:46:28and nothing but the truth.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30APPLAUSE
0:46:33 > 0:46:35# Amen. #
0:46:37 > 0:46:40ORGAN PLAYS
0:46:50 > 0:46:52HE MOUTHS
0:47:01 > 0:47:04HE MOUTHS
0:47:11 > 0:47:13HE MOUTHS
0:48:05 > 0:48:08APPLAUSE
0:48:11 > 0:48:13A very important part of the Irish way of life is death.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19See, if anybody else anywhere else in the world dies,
0:48:19 > 0:48:23that's the end of it, they're dead. But in Ireland, when somebody dies,
0:48:23 > 0:48:25we lay them out and watch them for a couple of days.
0:48:30 > 0:48:31It's called a wake.
0:48:32 > 0:48:35And it's a great... It's a party, it's a send-off.
0:48:35 > 0:48:39The fellow's laid out on the table and there's drinking and dancing
0:48:39 > 0:48:41and all the food you can eat.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44And all your friends come from all over the place
0:48:44 > 0:48:47and they all stand around the wake table looking at you,
0:48:47 > 0:48:50with a glass in their hands and they say, "Here's to your health."
0:48:53 > 0:48:55And the terrible thing about dying over there
0:48:55 > 0:48:57is you miss your own wake.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01It's the best day of your life.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03You've paid for everything and you can't join in.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08Mind you, if you did, you'd be drinking on your own.
0:49:12 > 0:49:13We have...
0:49:13 > 0:49:15APPLAUSE
0:49:15 > 0:49:20We have a custom, that the dying man is allowed one question
0:49:20 > 0:49:25before he dies which must be answered completely truthfully.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29Otherwise, the soul is damned. And you get a little fellow dying.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32And he's got four sons.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35Three of the biggest fellows you've ever seen in your life,
0:49:35 > 0:49:41and one skinny, little, puny... nothing.
0:49:42 > 0:49:48And he's lying there and he's going, "Mary, Mary, are you there, darling?
0:49:48 > 0:49:51"Are you there?" She goes, "I'm here, love.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53"I'm here beside you."
0:49:53 > 0:49:57"I'm going. I'm going."
0:49:57 > 0:50:00She says, "I know, don't hang about now."
0:50:06 > 0:50:09"Mary, before I go, I'm going to ask you the question,
0:50:09 > 0:50:11"tell me now,
0:50:11 > 0:50:17"tell me, is that skinny little runt standing at the end of the bed...
0:50:17 > 0:50:19"is he really my son?"
0:50:20 > 0:50:26She says, "He is. Honest to God, he is your son."
0:50:26 > 0:50:27And he goes...
0:50:30 > 0:50:34And she goes, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
0:50:38 > 0:50:41If you ever go to see a fellow who is on his way out,
0:50:41 > 0:50:44you never talk about death. You never mention it.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47You get the fellows who are going to see a fellow who hasn't got long.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50And the fellow says, "Don't say a word, don't mention death,
0:50:50 > 0:50:54"or anything to do with death, he doesn't know.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57"Don't let on. Not a word!
0:50:57 > 0:51:02"Just be bright and cheerful and happy!"
0:51:02 > 0:51:03They all walk into the little cottage
0:51:03 > 0:51:05and go through the little door
0:51:05 > 0:51:07and over to the fellow who is lying in the bed.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14"Ah, Sean, you're looking great!"
0:51:18 > 0:51:21"Still the life and soul of the party!"
0:51:24 > 0:51:27"Won't be long before you're up and punching English tourists!"
0:51:31 > 0:51:34And they spend half an hour and they talk and they chat
0:51:34 > 0:51:36and it's all cheerful and jolly. They don't mention death.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39And they all say, "Goodbye, now, Sean.
0:51:39 > 0:51:41"See you again." And they all leave.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44There's a big fellow going out the door, he's about six foot seven.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46As he goes out through the little door
0:51:46 > 0:51:48he cracks his head on the top and goes, "God!
0:51:48 > 0:51:51"Oh, they'll never get a bloody coffin out of here!"
0:51:54 > 0:51:57Dame Doris Dwight will be remembered
0:51:57 > 0:52:01as one of the greatest ballerinas of all time.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04And perhaps it is very fitting that she was taken from us while
0:52:04 > 0:52:09achieving a double arabesque split during a performance of Swan Lake.
0:52:11 > 0:52:14She will no doubt be sadly missed by us all.
0:52:14 > 0:52:18ORGAN PLAYS MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE
0:52:41 > 0:52:44Well, actually, the first funeral I ever went to, and believe me,
0:52:44 > 0:52:47this is true, I was six years of age.
0:52:47 > 0:52:50And as they lowered the box into the ground, the priest said,
0:52:50 > 0:52:53"In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost."
0:52:53 > 0:52:56And I, for years, used to bless myself and say,
0:52:56 > 0:52:59"In the name of the Father, the Son and into the hole he goes"
0:53:06 > 0:53:08And so we say farewell to Sir Humphrey Potter,
0:53:08 > 0:53:11a man who gave his life to dogs.
0:53:11 > 0:53:16A judge at Crufts, a creator of three new breeds of terrier
0:53:16 > 0:53:21and a lifelong friend and student of the habits of our canine friends.
0:53:21 > 0:53:26Let us commend his soul to the Lord.
0:53:26 > 0:53:27Amen.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40One final custom that we have in Ireland regarding death
0:53:40 > 0:53:45and a funeral, is that only one person...
0:53:47 > 0:53:51..who is buried in a graveyard can go to heaven.
0:53:55 > 0:53:59Which basically means if two people are buried in the same graveyard
0:53:59 > 0:54:04on the same day, the last one in has got to wait till tomorrow.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09So can you imagine what would happen
0:54:09 > 0:54:14if one funeral met another funeral going to the same graveyard?
0:54:16 > 0:54:20MUSIC: "Funeral March" by Chopin
0:54:39 > 0:54:43MUSIC SPEEDS UP
0:55:53 > 0:55:55MUSIC SLOWS DOWN
0:57:11 > 0:57:14APPLAUSE
0:57:22 > 0:57:25Little fellow dies and goes to heaven.
0:57:25 > 0:57:29And St Peter says, "Would you... Would you...
0:57:29 > 0:57:33"Would you like to have a look around, um, heaven?"
0:57:36 > 0:57:39And the fellow says, "Yes, I would actually."
0:57:39 > 0:57:40So they are looking around heaven.
0:57:40 > 0:57:42And he says, "Who are those people over there?"
0:57:42 > 0:57:46He says, "They are the Muslims. They are Muslims.
0:57:46 > 0:57:51"And over there we have the Jewish people. And these are Anglicans.
0:57:51 > 0:57:54"And Hindus. Baptists."
0:57:54 > 0:57:59He said, "Why do you have this big wall here?
0:58:00 > 0:58:05He said, "Oh, um, behind the wall, you see, we have the Catholics."
0:58:07 > 0:58:13"He said, why, why, why do you have the Catholics behind a wall?"
0:58:13 > 0:58:14He said, "Ssh!
0:58:14 > 0:58:17"They like to think that they're the only ones here!"
0:58:17 > 0:58:20APPLAUSE
0:58:27 > 0:58:30Good night. Thank you and may your God go with you.