0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:10It's 1964. The BBC, or Auntie Beeb as she was known, is 45 years old.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15So far, she's given birth to one televisual child.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17And on April the 20th of that year,
0:00:17 > 0:00:21she was to find herself once again in labour.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Do come on, Auntie Beeb, stop making a fuss and push.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Ooh!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30The child was on its way.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31But what was it to be called?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33We have one television channel.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Tonight we launch a second.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38What on earth are we going to call it?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Pipes in. Pencils out.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46I've calculated that if we do indeed have two channels,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49then the current channel - BBC Television -
0:00:49 > 0:00:52should be known as BBC One.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I've checked your calculations and they're correct.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58If the current channel equals BBC One,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00what does the new channel add up to?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03X to the power of -13.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07This new channel shall be called BBC X To The Power Of -13.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09You've blundered in your reduction of this fraction,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11you horrid little homosexual.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15X to the power of -13 cancelled out is two.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18BBC Two.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Can't we call it BBC Stalin?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Are you a communist?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26This is the BBC - we're all communists, aren't we?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- ALL:- Sh.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31So we're all agreed. BBC Two.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32AUNTIE BEEB YELLS
0:01:32 > 0:01:34That's better.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"BABY" CRIES
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Two.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Cup of tea?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58The new channel has a name.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01All it needs now is someone to run it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04A king or queen. A tsar.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08A Fuhrer. A Fat Controller.
0:02:08 > 0:02:14There was only one man for the job and his name was Porky Peacock.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18And Porky Peacock knew exactly what Porky Peacock wanted.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Long documentaries about the First World War
0:02:21 > 0:02:25that went on for weeks and weeks
0:02:25 > 0:02:29and weeks and weeks and weeks.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32By the winter of 1914,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35the war on the Western Front had reached stalemate.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39From Switzerland to the sea, British and German forces
0:02:39 > 0:02:42faced each other in a deadly battle of attrition that was
0:02:42 > 0:02:47to last for the next four years, except for one day -
0:02:47 > 0:02:51December the 25th, 1914, Christmas Day.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55And right opposite us there's a rubbly old nunk
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and Gerry dug in fast.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Come dawn of Christmas Day, up he pops as bold as brass.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04He's standin' there, right on top of the rubbly old nunk
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and I'm proper plabber-glasted.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09We were stuck in the trenches with all the mud
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and fizz-bangs going off left, right and centre.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It was jolly wet and noisy.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18We hear Gerry singing this Christmas Carol, so we do now.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's a good Protestant carol, so it is now.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23These Gerries are Hanoverians, so they are now.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25They're the people of King Billy, so they are now.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28So we join in now, so we join in, so we do now, so we do.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31And suddenly these shapes came over the top -
0:03:31 > 0:03:36and they were short and brutish and wearing skirts.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38We recognised them as Highlanders.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42We're standin' there in no-man's-land
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and I've shown a picture to Fritz
0:03:45 > 0:03:49of our Martha. And his eyes have fairly popped out of his head,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52cos she's big as a bus, our Martha.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55She's a whacking great whale of a woman.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58We are chatting away to these German scallywags
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and one of them is touching me on the face and hands -
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I don't think he'd ever seen a dusky fellow before.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07We were so starved of the fairer sex
0:04:07 > 0:04:10and because these Highlanders wore skirts,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I observed some of my men acquiring the trouser tents.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18This I wished to discourage so I improvised a game of Fussball.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Out of nowhere comes a football.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25We started playing football, so we started playing football, so we did now, so we did.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29We got to playing the football game, right aside the rubbly old nunk.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33It vas fundamentally like polo but without the horses.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35And the game ended in a nil-all draw.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39And it's one-all at full time. One-all.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40A three-all draw.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Five goals apiece.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46It ended four-all. And thus it went to penalties.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49And the Germans won on penalties.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51The Germans won on penalties.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Fritz won on penalties.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54And the Germans, they won on penalties.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57And we Germans won on penalties.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02The Germans won on penalties.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ground-breaking documentaries there might be,
0:05:04 > 0:05:09but Peacock also wanted his channel that was new to have news.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12And not just news, but news at night.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Nightnews.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Is the Government right about everything?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Good evening. I'm Gerald Manley Paxman.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Is the Government right about everything?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I'm joined by the Government Minister.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Good evening, Government Minister.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Good evening, Gerald Manley.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Is the Government right about everything?
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Yes.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Are you sure?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Are you doubting me?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Not for a moment, and I do apologise if I appear to be.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Please continue to speak for as long as you like
0:05:40 > 0:05:42without any interruption whatsoever.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46The Government is right about everything because it is a good government,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48composed of extremely intelligent,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50high-minded and deeply moral ministers.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Thank you, Minister. You are the most interesting man I've ever met.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Time to look at tomorrow's papers.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00The Times leads with, "The Government's right about everything."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03The Telegraph goes for, "The Government is right about everything."
0:06:03 > 0:06:08And this rag leads with some complete poppycock.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17The new channel was, like its elder sibling,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19to be funded by the licence fee.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Freed from the pressures of the marketplace,
0:06:21 > 0:06:26it was to be very much BBC T double-O. BBC Too.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32But it still wanted to compete with commercial ITV.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34And compete it did. Dramatically.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Well, The Forsyte Saga was...
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Actually, tell you the truth,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I don't remember a great deal about it -
0:06:40 > 0:06:42but I was there!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46I'd had the wonderful idea of shooting the whole thing
0:06:46 > 0:06:49on a single camera with no editor.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Now, I got the idea from drinking three bottles of wine one lunchtime, at the BBC bar.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Television history.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00MUSIC: Theme to "The Forsyte Saga"
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Father.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Ah, Julia.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Come in and sit quite close to me.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17A little closer, my dear.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26I'm worried. You work so hard, Father. What are these?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Important documents for the attention of your cousin Julius,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31who will attend to them at ten.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I'm attentive to his attentions to myself, Father.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Pay no attention. His attentions are tentative.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Good day, Jolyon. Ah, Cousin Julia.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Cousin Julius. You are well?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Indeed. Do you like my mop-top?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47I do.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52I trust I am the only man in the 1890s with such a hairdo.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Won't you sit down?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58No, thank you. I won't be in shot.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Cousin, I've tendered these documents for your attention.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I beg your pardon, Cousin Jolyon. Could you repeat that?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06SQUEAKING
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Attend to these documents that I've tendered.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13They relate to a trust fund which I set up for the benefit of
0:08:13 > 0:08:15any future children you might have,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17should you one day choose marriage.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Marriage?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20SCRATCHING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:08:24 > 0:08:26SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- May I come in?- Why, of course.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Oh! Worried I am. Very, very worried about everything.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41GLASS SMASHES All I can do is worry and I fear I shall die of worrying.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Worry, worry, worry. Endless days and nights of worry.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46I worry.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Peacock wanted laughter on his channel.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57And not just laughter, but laughter from somewhere that, hitherto,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01no-one at the BBC had ever dreamt there was laughter.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Somewhere full of dread, dirt and depravity.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07The North.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09FOGHORN BLOWS
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Ee, Terry, what you done to me bike?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I've bumped into a bus and bust it, Bob.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I'm very sorry. You'll get your money.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Oh, bloomin' Nora!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30And I'm supposed to be meeting Thelma at t'pictures in half hour.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Are you going to hold her hand?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I've only known her eight months.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I reckon she'd love it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Ee, Terry! Wash yer mouth out wi' carbolic, why don't you?
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Eh!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It was a wonderful show - absolutely super.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It was one of those shows
0:09:52 > 0:09:54that was wonderful and super at the same time.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Absolutely wonderful and totally super.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Wonderful and super, perhaps,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02but Southerners couldn't understand the Northern accents.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06And as for Northerners, well, this was 1964 -
0:10:06 > 0:10:10they'd only just learnt how to use a lavatory.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12TOILET FLUSHES
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Education was still a Northerner's dream.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21ITV, yes. BBC Two - ee, by gum, no.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And this was a problem.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Peacock appeared more Lord Reith than Lady Gaga,
0:10:28 > 0:10:33and this was the '60s - the generation of the baby-boomers, or Baby Gagas.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Young people had been invented in 1957 by Mr Elvis Presley,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and here we were, a decade later,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44with only one programme for them
0:10:44 > 0:10:46and that was Keep Still.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Keep Still ran for eight hours a day, every day of the week.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52One had to sit very still.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56If one moved at all, well...
0:10:56 > 0:10:57CHALK SQUEAKS
0:10:57 > 0:10:59STICK SMACKS
0:10:59 > 0:11:02The clown was absolutely terrifying.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04He could talk without moving his mouth.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- 'Charlie's gonna eat your face off.' - SHE GASPS
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Keep Still was the end for Peacock.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12GUARD GRUNTS
0:11:12 > 0:11:15He was booted upstairs to BBC One.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18His replacement - David Attenborough.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19And for Attenborough it was,
0:11:19 > 0:11:24"Hello, good evening and, well, I'm here - let's get on with the job."
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Out went Nightnews. In came Naughty Nightie News.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31# Naughty Nightie News. #
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Is corporal punishment outdated?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Should it be abolished in our schools?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Hugh Parsley.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Well, Joan, I believe it to be a demeaning form of punishment.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Sir Hubert Tuft, if I were naughty, would you cane me?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50- I- would.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You have to remember it was the '60s.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55We were all feeling frisky all the time.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Is sex a good thing?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Edward Rhys Spoon?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I hate sex and so does my wife.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05It's horrible and stupid.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07How about you, Donald Hairwave?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I rather like sex.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10So do I.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I'd like to have sex with you.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14So would I.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17# Naughty Nightie News. #
0:12:17 > 0:12:21It's the mid-'60s, and television is about to get ugly.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25And your starter for ten - what is the theme tune to this show?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Gruesome College Cambridge?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Ba-woom.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28# Bing-dang-dung. #
0:12:28 > 0:12:31HE TRUMPETS THEME TO "University Challenge"
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Very ugly.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Welcome to Ask The Ugly Family.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39This week we say hello to our ugly family from Leicester...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Hello.- Hello.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42- Hello.- Hello.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47..and, dare I say it, our even uglier family from Norfolk.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Hello.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Hello.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Hello.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Hello.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55BBC Two wanted a slice of the ugly action.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Hello. I'm Professor Bill Borderline-Spectrum.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03And I'm Dr Fiona Firmly-Spectrum.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Today we are going to be looking at one of the most exciting things in the world...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Or, as we prefer to say...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17L-bar gamma to the mu
0:13:17 > 0:13:21times the quantity I-delta sub-mu minus one-half G...
0:13:21 > 0:13:24tau.W sub-mu minus one-half G,
0:13:24 > 0:13:29prime YB sub-mu times L plus R-bar gamma to the mu
0:13:29 > 0:13:34times the quantity I-delta sub-mu minus one half G
0:13:34 > 0:13:37prime YB sub-mu times R.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY
0:13:41 > 0:13:43# Sport, sport, I like sport
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# Running and jumping I'm a physical sort. #
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Sport, sport,- I- like sport.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Running and jumping - I'M a physical sort.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53But Attenborough wasn't.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55He liked sport, sport, he liked sport -
0:13:55 > 0:14:00but of the sitting around, drinking beer and smoking fags sort.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Snooker.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07But snooker came with a problem that almost snookered BBC Two.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11COMMENTATOR: And in goes the darkish-grey ball,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13nicely into the centre pocket.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18So here's the choice - the lightish grey ball into the bottom corner
0:14:18 > 0:14:21or the darker light-grey ball into the centre.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Darker light-grey ball into centre.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Narrowly missing the lighter darker-light-grey ball.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31For Attenborough, it couldn't carry on.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35On July the 1st 1967, BBC Two got colourful.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39And so did snooker.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:42 > 0:14:45COMMENTATOR: Ray Spencer reacts by rubbing his upper lip.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47What a colourful character. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES
0:14:49 > 0:14:52What a tremendous personality.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Now he's chuckled. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Here comes the Hurricane. Will it be the yellow or the brown?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02He's gone for them both. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Oops. COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES
0:15:07 > 0:15:10What's he going to do with the white?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Up it goes. What a super hit.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18COMMENTATOR CHUCKLES What a great sequence of shots!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Colour television brought with it endless possibilities
0:15:24 > 0:15:26for grand documentaries.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29And there was none more grand than Jacob Bronowski's epic series...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I'm rather a long way away from you.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Now I am much closer.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Now you can observe with clarity the riot of beige
0:15:43 > 0:15:46which is my jacket, shirt and tie.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Now I am on top of this hillock.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52How did I get here? It's a mystery.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Now I am much, much closer - almost too close for comfort.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00When one thinks of David Attenborough,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02one thinks of animals dying.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- 'Buffalo.'- Fuck!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- 'Zebras.'- Oh, fuck!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- 'Pythons.'- Fuck!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10And Monty Pythons.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12After three series on BBC One,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Attenborough brought them to his channel
0:16:15 > 0:16:18to bear witness to their televisual death throes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Hello, I'd like to buy one, please.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- I'm very sorry - we haven't got any. - Now look 'ere, Miss.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Is this going to be a very long sketch?- Oh, yes.
0:16:27 > 0:16:33You see, I'd already been to see the BBC Two people and I'd said,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"I'm not going to do any more Monty Python,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"and cos I'm much, much funnier than all the others
0:16:39 > 0:16:44"and much, much more popular, you'd better cancel it."
0:16:44 > 0:16:47And they said "John, we disagree."
0:16:47 > 0:16:49WHEEZY LAUGH
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Ha! I mean, the arrogance of these people!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- So, just how long is this sketch going to be, then?- Very long indeed.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59And even when it's eventually ended,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02we'll continue to reprise it throughout the rest of the show...
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Oh, Gawd!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06..before reviving it every decade for the next half century...
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Oh, Gawd!- ..when it is definitely past its sell-by date.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Oh, Gawd! - When it is a dead sketch.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Oh, Gawd! - When it is pushing up daisies.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh, Gawd! No, sorry, I like that bit - do carry on.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19When it has shuffled off this mortal coil.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Oh, that was brilliant.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24When it has run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I never wanted to do this in the first place.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I... I wanted to be...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32a travel-show presenter!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34It was the end of Python.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Palin wanted to travel the world.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39# I'll put on linen clothing
0:17:39 > 0:17:42# And hang around in bazaars. #
0:17:42 > 0:17:45LOCALS: Hang around in bazaars?!
0:17:45 > 0:17:50John Cheese-Shop-Sketch yearned for more sophisticated comedy.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Come here, you stupid racial stereotype.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I from Barcelona - I know nothing!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Ah!- Sorry about that.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And the only female Python, Cherri Jones...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Ooh, I'm gonna bash your brains out.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07..had a sex change and became a man.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11They put these testicles where my vagina used to be,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and rather a small cock.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23It's the 1970s and time for the new channel to get serious.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Dramatically serious.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26About drama.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30I remember very, very clearly that I was pissed the whole time.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I don't remember anything.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35But I was there!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I decided to commission a high-quality classical piece
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and for that I required the best classical actors in the country.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44I saw Ian McKellen. He was a lovely boy but he just wasn't right.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47And I saw Alan Rickman and he was a lovely, lovely boy
0:18:47 > 0:18:48but he just wasn't right.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50And I saw Derek Jacobi and I thought,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"What a lovely boy. Lovely, lovely, lovely boy."
0:18:53 > 0:18:57We had this wonderful chap playing Caesar - what was his name again?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Lionel Lovely, Simon Super? No, no, no - Brian Blessed!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01I was there.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03The result of this collaboration?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05One Clavdivs.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06One Clavdivs.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07One Clavdivs.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22'Rome was fast falling into parlousness.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26'All the men were acting their sandals off -
0:19:26 > 0:19:31'yet still they introduced all manner of actory business.'
0:19:31 > 0:19:36I do like your eye make-up, my dear Empress Marc Bolana.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40It is predicted by the high priests of Jupiter that one day all girls
0:19:40 > 0:19:44shall have make up like this in the 1970s, on Top Of The Pops.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It suits you merrily, merrily.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Father, I come to warn you of my brother, Baftus Nomination.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Out! I will not hear of it!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Baftus Nomination is a fine boy,
0:19:56 > 0:20:00trained by Radus in all things flourishy.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02My brother schemes behind your back.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06He will poison you and put me to the slaughter and claim Rome as his own.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Oh, calm down, Actus Tremendous.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13He is in league with my sister Whatta Scorcia!
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Do not hate Whatta Scorcia - she is indeed your sister.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Go to her bed and make love to her.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22That I shall.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26And presently shall I tear our unborn foetus from her womb
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and eat it in bloody fashion.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Ooh, he's a very odd ball.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39There is a delegation from Palestine to see you, Caesar.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43From a new religion called the C-C-Christians.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Show them in!
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Blessed be the Brian, for he hath a loud and warming voice.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Yes, yes, I'm very pleased with you. I will give you lands.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Where is my Governor of Palestine - Pontius Pilates?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Ooh, yes, I'm just finishing a class.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Cat stretch, girls!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Ooh, yes.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Ooh, I can smell it from here.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14He's also a very odd ball.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Ooh!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18One Clavdivs was hugely popular.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21But was that what BBC Two was really about?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Shouldn't BBC Two be just a bit boring?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Well, the BBC music department was very powerful.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32The music industry had to take us very seriously.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And so when they came to us and said,
0:21:35 > 0:21:41"Can we have a vibrant, happening, groovy show for BBC Two,"
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I said, "No.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"I want something dull."
0:21:53 > 0:21:57HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY IN HUSHED TONES
0:21:59 > 0:22:02My highlight was when the lead guitarist
0:22:02 > 0:22:05of the prog-rock group Aeon
0:22:05 > 0:22:07died on stage of boredom.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10GUITAR RIFF PLAYS
0:22:14 > 0:22:19And by the time the drummer had pretty much finished his solo,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22the guitarist had completely decomposed.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It was one of those shows that was wonderful and super
0:22:27 > 0:22:31at the same time. Absolutely wonderful and totally super.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36As the '70s wore on, rumours of a culture of sexual depravity
0:22:36 > 0:22:39at Television Centre began to circulate.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43It was decided to tackle this potential time bomb head on,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46on prime-time BBC Two.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Hello and welcome to a show which could quite easily be called Would I Lie To You?,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54will soon to be known as Call My Bluff
0:22:54 > 0:22:58and is currently entitled Speech Impediment.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00And we like it that way.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01And our first word is...
0:23:03 > 0:23:04..paedophile.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Frank, what is a paedophile?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Well, a pae-do-pa-hilly,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14a fruh, a fruh-fruh fruh-fruh.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Frank thinks it's a type of chocolate bar
0:23:16 > 0:23:19made of nuts and fruit. Is he right, Patrick?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- A... - INCOHERENT POPPING
0:23:24 > 0:23:26..toes.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Patrick says it's a type of instrument
0:23:28 > 0:23:32for scraping the dead skin off your feet. Derek?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Pee-pa-pa-pe-pe, pee-pa-pa-pa, poh.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Or is it, as Derek suggests,
0:23:36 > 0:23:41a ceremonial dress worn by German women on Maundy Thursday?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43And the answer is...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Well, you're all wrong
0:23:46 > 0:23:50because there's no such thing as a paedophile. APPLAUSE
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Britain was changing.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57There was strife, unemployment and nationwide grumpiness.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01And BBC Two drama was to reflect the new puritanism.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I wanted to make a drama about the poor darling
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Northern working classes, who had been thrown onto the dole
0:24:06 > 0:24:08by Margaret Thatcher.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13And I couldn't find a single person from Oxford or Cambridge in the BBC bar who was prepared to write it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16'Man Alive happened to be making a documentary at the time'
0:24:16 > 0:24:17about how marvellous I was, er,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20which I'd commissioned, when this chap burst into my office.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- SCOUSE:- All right, mate, go on, gizza job, mate.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I could write that drama. Go on, gizza job, mate, gizza job!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Were you at Oxford? Or Camb...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30He was a funny, angry little creature. I rather liked him.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32He was a lovely boy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I'm not'n, Beryl. My life is not'n.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, yeah, great joke, God.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"Here's Michael, he's not'n."
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You've done your best, Michael. What more can you do? Not'n.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Me best's not'n.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53When I'm dead, you know what me gravestone's going to say?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"Here lies not'n. Dust to dust, not'n to not'n."
0:24:57 > 0:25:00And you know why, Beryl? You want to know why?
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Don't, Michael.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Because I haven't got a catch phrase.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And without a catch phrase,
0:25:07 > 0:25:11you're not'n in Maggie Thatcher's broken Britain.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15What you doing, Michael? Sitting on the settee, eh?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I could do that. Gizza job sitting on the settee, eh?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Hey! Not now, Yosser.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Gizza job, Beryl.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25All right, Yosser, calm down, calm down!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Calm down! Calm down!
0:25:27 > 0:25:28All right, calm down!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Eh! Eh! Calm down. - Calm down.- All right.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Boys From The Blackstuff was the right stuff for the viewer,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38but the wrong stuff for the Conservative government.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39It was furious.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Its anger was vented by a young MP called John Major.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47The British people don't wunt programmes like this.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50They wunt programmes without bias.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52They wunt fairness, they wunt to say,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56"We wunt our old BBC back, and we wunt it now".
0:25:56 > 0:26:00It's not "wunt", you complete rhymes-with-wunt.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02The BBC was being crucified.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08It agreed to make a drama that would balance Boys From The Blackstuff.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09But who would write it?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I could do that. Gizza job, go on.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16MUSIC: JAUNTY RENDITION OF "Land Of Hope And Glory"
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Hey, all right, Michael?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22All right, Yosser? What are you doing on that thing?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I got on my bike and started looking for work
0:26:25 > 0:26:26like Norman Tebbit told us to.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28He's a top man, that Tebbit.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33- BOTH:- Tories! Tories! Tories! Five more years!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Hey, have you seen Sid?
0:26:35 > 0:26:41I have - he told me the good old Tories and Maggie Thatcher are privatising British Gas!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I fuckin' love the Tories.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I've gone and got meself some shares!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Gizza hob. Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- All right, calm down! - Eh? Come 'ead, gizza hob, eh?
0:26:56 > 0:26:57- Eh?- Eh?- Eh?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- Eh, eh, eh.- All right? Eh, eh, eh.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04I think BBC Two had an ambivalence towards Mrs Thatcher.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Sometimes it found her frustrating
0:27:06 > 0:27:08a-a-and sometimes quite sexy.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11'Tonight on 40 Minutes...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14'Margaret Thatcher - is she sexy?'
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Good morning, John.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18.."goose fat," and he said, "I know, madam."
0:27:18 > 0:27:23Margaret was never the easiest person to get on with in cabinet,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25but there was something about her.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27We remember Geoffrey coming to see us one day,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30with a policy that we didn't much care for.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And I said, "Please, Margaret."
0:27:32 > 0:27:34And we said, "No, Geoffrey, no."
0:27:34 > 0:27:38She was a very sexy woman - I remember going to her.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42And we remember Nigel came to see us and he said,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"You must, Prime Minister, I insist."
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I was very insistent.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And we said, "No, Nigel, no!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I said, "Margaret, please."
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And we said "No, Geoffrey! No!"
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I said, "Margaret, please listen."
0:27:57 > 0:28:00And we said "No, Nigel, we will not listen!"
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I said, "Margaret, I'm pleading with you on bended knee, you mad..."
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"..power-crazed bint."
0:28:06 > 0:28:09And we said, "No, Geoffrey! No!"
0:28:09 > 0:28:13I said, "Margaret, just listen for one minute, you completely..."
0:28:13 > 0:28:15"..deranged old boot."
0:28:15 > 0:28:16I said, "Margaret."
0:28:16 > 0:28:19We said, "No, Nigel, no!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21"Bad dog, Nigel!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"No, no, no. You bad dog!"
0:28:24 > 0:28:27And I found myself on all fours in front of her,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30and she literally trampled me underfoot.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34And we remember very clearly that Nigel was very cross.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36It was really quite erotic.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40But life under the Tories wasn't all doom and gloom.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42There was also fun to be had.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44..thinks about, talks about. You ask him what he's doing!
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Give yourself...
0:28:48 > 0:28:51I'd like to buy a dead parrot, please.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55I don't want to be a shop keeper - I want to be a travel host.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Comedy is an incredibly serious business.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Anyone who tells you otherwise
0:29:02 > 0:29:04simply isn't taking it seriously enough.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Rowan Atkinson's probably the most serious person who's ever been born,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10ergo he's the funniest.
0:29:10 > 0:29:16- Lump? Thistle? Blurt?- 'I think it's fair to say that every single word that Rowan says is funny.'
0:29:16 > 0:29:18- Hooligan? - LAUGHTER
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- Nubble? - LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:23- Wastepaper basket? - LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:27I put Rowan together with the cleverest man in the world, Stephen Fry.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Stephen, of course, invented adult humour.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- Bum chums and willy biscuits. - LAUGHTER
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- Ladies, wee-wees, and poo-poos. - LAUGHTER
0:29:36 > 0:29:39- Gentlemen's diarrhoea. - LAUGHTER
0:29:39 > 0:29:42So we did a pilot of Blackadder for BBC Two.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44It was just dynamite.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Button up your botty hole, Blackadder.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Here comes the new king.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Top blimmin' hurrahs, Blackadder!
0:29:50 > 0:29:54Congratulations on being crowned King Edward VIII,
0:29:54 > 0:29:56King Edward VIII.
0:29:56 > 0:30:01This is my new totty, Mrs Simpson. She's a bloomin' yank!
0:30:01 > 0:30:03I'm gonna be Queen of England!
0:30:03 > 0:30:08Bum-trouseringly good news, eh, Blackadder?
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Although personally, I'd prefer Bertrand Russell's
0:30:12 > 0:30:17bloated boil-faced brother became betrothed to your Royal Bigness.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Yee whizz and pooey!
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Have you met my new prime minister, Sir Stanley Baldrick?
0:30:24 > 0:30:26Hello, Blackadder.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Bloody hell.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Botty-boiled bastard!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Ah, General Disaster!
0:30:37 > 0:30:40What news, General Disaster?
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Bad news, I'm afraid, Lord Melchett.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47One - I've cut my finger.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49You bloody disaster.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57And two - Hitler has invaded the Rhineland.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01- Top bloody hurrahs and all that. - Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03- Pooey!- Bum.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Balderdash and big bugger burps, Blackadder.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11It was a wonderful show. Absolutely super.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13It was one of those shows that was
0:31:13 > 0:31:16wonderful and super at the same time.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Absolutely wonderful and totally super.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Historical comedy there might be,
0:31:24 > 0:31:27but there was also room for history to be dramatic.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36LEEDS ACCENT: It's snowing again.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38It's always snowing in Moscow at this time of year.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43I can see Comrade Milankova down by the statue of me.
0:31:44 > 0:31:49She's a widow, Comrade Milankova. Her husband died of natural causes -
0:31:49 > 0:31:52which is not at all natural in Moscow at the moment,
0:31:52 > 0:31:54if you get me drift.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57I can't seem to stop having people bumped off.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00I call it me urge to purge.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03'Ere comes trouble.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Comrade Jim Broadbentovich.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09- Hello, Stalin.- How are you?
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Very well, thank you. Yep.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13How's the five-year plan going?
0:32:13 > 0:32:17I'm afraid it's failed. So I suppose that's curtains for me.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Well, you can have these ones if you like.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Very kind of you.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24I thought I might go for chintz - it's nice and cheery.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26What do you think?
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Brighten the place up a bit, wouldn't they, Stalin?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32I'm having him shot later. It's a shame, really.
0:32:32 > 0:32:33He's a nice man.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38Now history began to happen before our very eyes.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41The Cold War ended, the Wall came down,
0:32:41 > 0:32:44and for BBC Two trouble was brewing -
0:32:44 > 0:32:46in not one, two, three
0:32:46 > 0:32:48but 4-form.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50The new channel was young, anti-establishment,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53and it wanted to shaft BBC Two.
0:32:53 > 0:32:54Up the arse.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56SQUEAKING AND WAILING
0:32:56 > 0:32:59It was time to change or be buggered.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02And change came in the form of a new controller.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05And his name was Yentob.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12- VERY DEEP VOICE:- I made Citizen Kane.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14HE CAWS
0:33:14 > 0:33:19Orson! Oh, Orson! Yentob Orson friend.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22ORSON GRUNTS, YENTOB TRILLS
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Yentob may have had an arts background
0:33:25 > 0:33:28but he could see that Channel 4 was dumbing down fast
0:33:28 > 0:33:30and he wanted a piece of the action.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34Yentob in turmoil! Yentob...
0:33:34 > 0:33:37He needed a man with the skill to dumb down an entire channel.
0:33:37 > 0:33:38And he found him.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Albus Dumbledowne.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Yentob see salvation!
0:33:48 > 0:33:51These red leather seats are really quite cosseting.
0:33:51 > 0:33:57Be vulgar, Jeremy! Be mockney!
0:33:57 > 0:34:01- EXAGGERATED ACCENT:- Oh, my God. I feel like...
0:34:02 > 0:34:04..I'm in a vagina.
0:34:04 > 0:34:05Mm.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09I'm a dildo!
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Yentob brought in this ghastly new head of comedy, Paul Someone.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14He was a horrid little man.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16I didn't want all that elitist Oxbridge crap -
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I wanted alternative comedy. Edgy comedy, full of edge and edginess
0:34:19 > 0:34:22by working-middle-class people who failed to get into Oxbridge.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Ah! Here!
0:34:24 > 0:34:28Aargh!
0:34:28 > 0:34:29Hur-hur-hur.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32- Ha-ha!- Ah.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Oh shut up, Neil!
0:34:37 > 0:34:38Ow.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Where's Mike?
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Hey! It's cool out there - and so am I.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47WIND BLOWS
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Somebody hit someone, for God's sake.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
0:34:53 > 0:34:56It was all edgy comedy then. Just edge.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59No side, no top, no bottom, no back, no front - just edge, edge, edge.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Would you like to suck my lollipop?
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Ooh, you are awful but I like you,
0:35:05 > 0:35:06young man!
0:35:08 > 0:35:09Young man!
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Yentob was successful in his quest
0:35:14 > 0:35:16to beat Channel 4 at its own moronic game.
0:35:17 > 0:35:22But he was uneasy, agitated, distressed.
0:35:22 > 0:35:27Yentob unhappy. High culture he crave.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30And who, from the world of high culture,
0:35:30 > 0:35:34exiled to America and rejected there, was as alienated as Yentob?
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Mr Potter!
0:35:36 > 0:35:42Yes! Only Mr Potter can make Yentob happy!
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Yes! Yes!
0:36:01 > 0:36:04'He's the one. Yes. Him.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06'I choose him.'
0:36:13 > 0:36:15- Oh!- Oh!
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Oh, I'm sorry. I do beg your pardon. Oh, I say!
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- How are you?- Er, do I...?
0:36:21 > 0:36:25- Yes! Last week - you remember! - Yes, of course.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29And now it's today! So you must be on your way to...
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- The rehearsals. - Yes. For the play, isn't it?
0:36:32 > 0:36:34The television play.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Yes, the one that I wrote! I'll come with you. Come along.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Are we still rehearsing in the...
0:36:39 > 0:36:42- The hospital? Yes.- Yes.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45POTTER CACKLES
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Stop it. What are you doing?
0:36:53 > 0:36:56What are you doing to our Mary?
0:36:56 > 0:36:58I saw something. Something in the woods.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Our Mary Whitehouse being porked.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Right in her Forest of Dean.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Look at your face!
0:37:05 > 0:37:08I've got cornflake eczema.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12And I've got Rice Krispie psoriasis.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14What's to be done?
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Maybe we could do something weird, like mime along to an old song.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20- RECORDING:- # Good mornin', skin game
0:37:21 > 0:37:25# Hollerin' skin game, please last
0:37:26 > 0:37:29# Good mornin', skin game
0:37:29 > 0:37:33# Hollerin' skin game, please last
0:37:37 > 0:37:40# I done staked my man to win
0:37:40 > 0:37:44# And I hope my money will pass. #
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Well, that didn't work, did it, Potter?
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Maybe my nephew can help.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Skin complaintus, disappearus.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Is he simple?
0:37:57 > 0:38:00There's something mouldy on your foot.
0:38:00 > 0:38:01It's a wart.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05That is the lord of all mouldy warts.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Lord Mouldy Wart killed my parents!
0:38:08 > 0:38:13Oh, Jesus Christ. Will my career come to this?
0:38:13 > 0:38:15HE CHUCKLES You sold your soul, Michael!
0:38:17 > 0:38:19HE CACKLES
0:38:21 > 0:38:25Right, Mr Singsong. It's time for me to grease up your winky.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26Oh, God.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31I had absolutely no idea what was going on at the time
0:38:31 > 0:38:33but it was bloody marvellous.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Yentob had done all he could for the channel.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38It was time for him to move on.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42The new controller was his disciple - Michael Jackson.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44What kind of programmes do you want to commission?
0:38:44 > 0:38:46What about current affairs?
0:38:46 > 0:38:49I want a sketch show that's very, very fast.
0:38:52 > 0:38:56This week I are bein' mostly in 'Arry Potter.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04The trouble with you lot is you can't act.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10I'll get me cloak.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Harry Emery.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20- Enfield.- Same thing. Why weren't you in The Fast Show?
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- Oh, well...- Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson were in your show.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- Why weren't you in theirs?- Well, I didn't really want to be, so...
0:39:26 > 0:39:27- Did they ever ask you?- No.
0:39:27 > 0:39:32Were you disappointed by the lack of BAFTAs that your show got?
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Not at all, no. I never really think about awards.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37And The Fast Show got...how many?
0:39:37 > 0:39:38I've no idea. Four.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Four. And your show got...?
0:39:40 > 0:39:42- None.- Does that bother you?
0:39:43 > 0:39:48Fast Show - four. Your show, Harry Enfield and Chums...
0:39:48 > 0:39:51You changed the name - Harry Enfield's Television Programme.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Still no awards.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Honestly, not a problem.
0:39:56 > 0:39:57No bitterness?
0:39:57 > 0:40:01None whatsoever. I'm extremely proud of my show.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03BAFTA wasn't. Great to speak to you.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08There were storm clouds brewing.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11A new man had taken charge of the whole BBC.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15And his name was Burt. Burt John.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Burt John wasn't really a BBC man at all.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I mean, he gathered us together and gave some funny little speech
0:40:21 > 0:40:23about something called value for money.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26I didn't really understand a word - but I was there!
0:40:26 > 0:40:29It seemed to mean getting rid of the subsidy in the BBC bar.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31And I was very much there.
0:40:31 > 0:40:35Well, it's very difficult, you know, to come up with wonderful ideas
0:40:35 > 0:40:37that the nation will take completely to their hearts
0:40:37 > 0:40:40unless one's somewhat sozzled!
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Er, no...
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Burt John was a total cu...
0:40:45 > 0:40:49He brought in a woman to run BBC Two.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52That woman was Jane Brute.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54And she wanted women.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57I wanted Robert Robinson to front the new quiz show.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00But the woman in charge wanted a woman.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02So we used Robert's daughter.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Welcome to Is Your Child An Idiot?
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Tonight, who is our idiot?
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Is it you, Susan?
0:41:10 > 0:41:12Or is it Andrew?
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Or perhaps it's Simon.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Or quite possibly Sally.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21What is the Latin name of the rice-field rat?
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Rattus argentiventer.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26What was the name of the General
0:41:26 > 0:41:29who led the ANZAC troops in the First World War?
0:41:31 > 0:41:33William Birdwood.
0:41:33 > 0:41:38RMS Lusitania, torpedoed and sunk by the Germans in 1915,
0:41:38 > 0:41:40was designed by who?
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Leonard Peskett. Bank!
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Who was the Secretary General
0:41:45 > 0:41:49of the Hungarian Communist government from 1949 to 1956?
0:41:49 > 0:41:51- Enver Hoxha. - BUZZER
0:41:51 > 0:41:55Oops. Oh, dear.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57And at the end of that round...
0:41:57 > 0:42:02Sally, you think Hungary and Albania are the same, do you?
0:42:03 > 0:42:06The Hungarian dictator was...
0:42:06 > 0:42:07Matyas Rakosi.
0:42:07 > 0:42:12Knowing the answer now doesn't make you any less of a moronic buffoon,
0:42:12 > 0:42:16any less of a cretinous dolt.
0:42:17 > 0:42:21Sally, you are an idiot. Goodbye.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28A new decade dawned.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30With comedy.
0:42:30 > 0:42:31With Dawn.
0:42:47 > 0:42:48Kertanger.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53I like shagging, dead people...
0:42:53 > 0:42:57don't like shagging... cos they're dead, yeah?
0:42:57 > 0:43:00I like shagging dead people.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Look from Dawn.
0:43:03 > 0:43:04Joke!
0:43:04 > 0:43:07I most certainly do NOT like shagging dead people.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09Obviously.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12Only done it once. It was impersonal.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Look from Hobbit.
0:43:15 > 0:43:16Dawn.
0:43:18 > 0:43:19Hobbit.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24As the noughties dragged on, a new threat loomed.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27Recession. Money was tight.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31It was time for BBC Two to make programmes
0:43:31 > 0:43:33about nothing at all.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Grumpy Old Bores are minor celebrities with absolutely
0:43:36 > 0:43:40nothing interesting to say about how there's too much plastic packaging.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43I find plastic packaging terribly difficult to open.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46And you always have to pop all the bubbles on bubble wrap -
0:43:46 > 0:43:48it's quite addictive.
0:43:48 > 0:43:49I mean, what's going on?
0:43:49 > 0:43:51You go to buy a cucumber and it's covered in a condom!
0:43:51 > 0:43:53HE CHUCKLES
0:43:53 > 0:43:58And you end up slashing at the plastic packaging with a knife
0:43:58 > 0:44:01and you cut your bleedin' finger.
0:44:01 > 0:44:04Sometimes it takes my servants hours to get the packaging off
0:44:04 > 0:44:07the many important things that arrive for me every day,
0:44:07 > 0:44:10which, er... which makes me quite grumpy. Grr!
0:44:10 > 0:44:13I mean, all this plastic packaging's a pain in the arse, innit?
0:44:13 > 0:44:17Grumpy old bores will say obvious things about anything for the money.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Now talk about reading glasses.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23They make you look like you've got four eyes.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25What's wrong with contact lenses?
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Contact lenses.
0:44:27 > 0:44:33They're so hard to get in your eyes. Laser surgery's the thing.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36And just when you've had enough of Grumpy Old Bores,
0:44:36 > 0:44:38they bring on Grumpy Old Bags.
0:44:38 > 0:44:43I mean, why do we even need this World Wide Web anyway?
0:44:43 > 0:44:46And they won't even take money on the buses any more.
0:44:46 > 0:44:48You have to have... a Scallop card, is it?
0:44:48 > 0:44:50SHE GRUNTS
0:44:50 > 0:44:51And my grandson - he's always...
0:44:51 > 0:44:55If BBC Two was hitting the depths, it didn't want you to think so.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00In came a late-night arts show.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03It was to be more of a pseudo-intellectual snack
0:45:03 > 0:45:05than a delicious donnish dinner.
0:45:05 > 0:45:09It was dark, bitter and thinly spread -
0:45:09 > 0:45:11Smarmnite.
0:45:11 > 0:45:15Hello, I'm Mark Egghead. This week - meh-meh-eew! - The X Factor.
0:45:15 > 0:45:19Meh-meh-meh. Simon Cowell et al.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22- David Ponse.- Well, I've never actually eurgh The X Factor.
0:45:22 > 0:45:23I've never eurgh Simon Cowell
0:45:23 > 0:45:25and I've certainly never eurgh Louis Walsh.
0:45:25 > 0:45:30- It was a solid...- Please, let me finish. And I hope I'm spared any more of this lamentable eurgh.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33- Well, the minor...- Paul Poorly.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36Betrayal of working class, bread and dripping, Ian Curtis.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39- Tom Appalling? - Well, I rather liked it.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42- Ugh!- But surely - meh-meh-meh -
0:45:42 > 0:45:45Sharon Osbourne and - meh-meh-meh - Louis Walsh.
0:45:45 > 0:45:48Mah-ma-ma-ma-mah, ma-ma-ma-mah...
0:45:51 > 0:45:54BBC Two was fast running out of viewers - and money.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57To solve this problem would take all the brainiest brains
0:45:57 > 0:46:00of the BBC's brightest brains.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03This channel needs stars. Stars cost money.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07We need stars that don't cost money. Pipes in. Pencils out.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12I have the solution.
0:46:12 > 0:46:14- Ordinary people. - HE CLEARS THROAT
0:46:14 > 0:46:17Psst! Are you still a communist?
0:46:17 > 0:46:19- No.- Nor am I.
0:46:19 > 0:46:21I still am.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23That's because you're a horrid little homosexual.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26Gentlemen, I have calculated that
0:46:26 > 0:46:31a famous person plus money equals a star.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34I've checked your calculation - it's correct.
0:46:34 > 0:46:39I have also calculated that a star is greater than...
0:46:39 > 0:46:41an ordinary person.
0:46:41 > 0:46:45If you take away money,
0:46:45 > 0:46:48you have to cancel out the star.
0:46:48 > 0:46:52But you are left with a famous person
0:46:52 > 0:46:56who is greater than an ordinary person.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59- Ah!- Hmm.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09I'm better than you.
0:47:09 > 0:47:11Yes, Lord Sugar.
0:47:11 > 0:47:13And I'm better than you.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15Yes, Lord Sugar.
0:47:17 > 0:47:18Look at my watch.
0:47:18 > 0:47:20Have you got a watch as nice as this one?
0:47:20 > 0:47:23I don't think so - I'm better than you.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25Yes, Lord Sugar.
0:47:25 > 0:47:29You haven't even got a watch - I'm better than you.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31Yes, Lord Sugar.
0:47:34 > 0:47:38I earn more money every year than you'll earn in your lives.
0:47:40 > 0:47:41Because I'm better than you.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43Yes, Lord Sugar.
0:47:43 > 0:47:44And I'm better than you.
0:47:44 > 0:47:46In due respect, Lord Sugar,
0:47:46 > 0:47:49I-I feel in my gut of guts that I could be nearly as good as you...
0:47:49 > 0:47:51but she's holding me back.
0:47:54 > 0:47:55Oh, do you, now?
0:47:55 > 0:47:59Well, let me tell you, Sonny Jim Boy With A Lot Of Glue In Your Hair,
0:47:59 > 0:48:02you'll never be as good as me cos I'm better than you.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04Yes, Lord Sugar.
0:48:04 > 0:48:06- And I'm better than you. - Oh, yes, Lord Sugar.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09- Now, get out.- Thank you very much, Lord Sugar.- Thank you, Lord Sugar.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Simon is cooking for three very important people.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21They're better chefs than Simon. They're better people than Simon.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23They're all better than him.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34You've got five minutes, Simon, and the clock's ticking.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36Which means you've only got two minutes.
0:48:38 > 0:48:42Time's money to them, Simon, and you've got just four minutes.
0:48:42 > 0:48:46- Or 75p.- Don't keep them waiting. They're better than you.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51You've got 90 seconds left, Simon, and that's less than ten minutes.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54This is no time to panic, mate, but hurry up!
0:48:54 > 0:48:58Simon's got to give this meal 100% and if he doesn't - phew!
0:49:00 > 0:49:02And I'm in a different room to you.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04What do you think his chances are?
0:49:04 > 0:49:07Exactly. I'm yellower than you.
0:49:10 > 0:49:14Mmm, mmm. They do look absolutely marvellous.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16Not a hint of a soggy bottom.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18What a clever little ordinary person you are.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21Wouldn't I make a wonderful queen?
0:49:21 > 0:49:24And I'm better than you.
0:49:24 > 0:49:2850 years ago, this cathedral of programme making
0:49:28 > 0:49:31brought joy to the great unwashed.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33I like television. I like Bruce Forsyth.
0:49:33 > 0:49:34I like Doctor Who.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37I like Coronation Street.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40How different television looks today.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42I like Bruce Forsyth.
0:49:42 > 0:49:43I like Doctor Who.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45I like Coronation Street.
0:49:45 > 0:49:49BBC Two's contribution has been immeasurable.
0:49:49 > 0:49:53I think the best show was entirely my idea,
0:49:53 > 0:49:59made up entirely of live bands presented by Jools Holland -
0:49:59 > 0:50:02and I cannot understand why it didn't work.
0:50:02 > 0:50:06Ladies and gentlemen, a very warm welcome to Earlier with me, Jools Holland,
0:50:06 > 0:50:09the only breakfast show, of course, with all live bands.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11- And what a treat - Jeff Beck! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:11 > 0:50:16Jeff, perhaps if I could prod you awake, a little poke there.
0:50:16 > 0:50:17No?
0:50:17 > 0:50:21But never mind because in reserve it's Klaxons - that's right.
0:50:21 > 0:50:22APPLAUSE
0:50:22 > 0:50:25And no definite signs of life but never mind -
0:50:25 > 0:50:27it's live TV, we move on.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30Round here in a great sweep reminiscent of the Mississippi -
0:50:30 > 0:50:33of course the Mississippi Delta, birthplace of the Blues -
0:50:33 > 0:50:36to the wonderful, charming and wide-awake Damon Albarn.
0:50:36 > 0:50:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Go away.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42I'll keep that thought upmost in my mind
0:50:42 > 0:50:44and as I come round here, I can see in the gloom
0:50:44 > 0:50:47a friend of the show over in the corner - Rowland Rivron -
0:50:47 > 0:50:51but first we must traverse the sleeping Chrissie Hynde,
0:50:51 > 0:50:54- ladies and gentlemen. Sh. - FAINT APPLAUSE
0:50:54 > 0:50:55So I'm going to move here.
0:50:55 > 0:50:58Come along, come along. And joy of joys - who's this here?
0:50:58 > 0:51:01- It's Rowland Rivron, ladies and gentlemen.- Hootenanny!
0:51:01 > 0:51:04Yeah, and that, yes. I see you've brought your dog Rover Rivron.
0:51:04 > 0:51:05Rover Rivron, ladies and gentlemen.
0:51:05 > 0:51:09- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What type of dog is Rover Rivron, Rowland Rivron?
0:51:09 > 0:51:13- He's a Yorkshire Terrier, Jools. - That is quite fascinating and really much more reminiscent
0:51:13 > 0:51:15of breakfast TV. Thank you very much.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17I think in drama, I'm most excited about our new
0:51:17 > 0:51:20Scandinavian series from the director of The Killing.
0:51:24 > 0:51:26DOOR BELL RINGS
0:51:29 > 0:51:31RINGING CONTINUES
0:51:31 > 0:51:33MUSIC: OMINOUS VERSION OF "Pingu" THEME
0:51:35 > 0:51:38HE SPEAKS SCANDINAVIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Waa-waa!
0:51:44 > 0:51:46Waa-waa!
0:51:51 > 0:51:52Waa-waa!
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Waa-bla-bla.
0:52:21 > 0:52:22Waa-waa!
0:52:35 > 0:52:37DOOR BELL RINGS
0:53:07 > 0:53:10SIREN WAILS
0:53:28 > 0:53:31I think in comedy, the cheapest show -
0:53:31 > 0:53:34I mean, the best show - has to be Panel Show.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38Hello and welcome to Panel Show.
0:53:38 > 0:53:42This week, I'm going to be sacked for shagging about.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45And replaced by me.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Ian, for whom did everything go wrong this week?
0:53:49 > 0:53:50The Government?
0:53:52 > 0:53:55Is it Boris Johnson, tousle-haired shagger?
0:53:56 > 0:53:58Boyish coy look.
0:53:58 > 0:54:01I love Poundland and potatoes and I have periods.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03Ha-ha-ha! Rude word!
0:54:03 > 0:54:05What actually happened was the Government...
0:54:05 > 0:54:07Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?
0:54:10 > 0:54:14Er, wasn't it total cock-up? Er, the Government?
0:54:14 > 0:54:17And the interesting thing about the Government
0:54:17 > 0:54:20is it has 428 on each tentacle,
0:54:20 > 0:54:22which allows it to eat its own regurgitated sick.
0:54:22 > 0:54:26Alan, look like an overripe strawberry.
0:54:28 > 0:54:29What did Ed Miliband this week?
0:54:29 > 0:54:32Er, Ed Miliband, total cock-up?
0:54:34 > 0:54:37I think what actually happened was Ed Miliband - bad misjudgement,
0:54:37 > 0:54:39- which was amusing because... - Is it a dolphin in a bath tub?
0:54:42 > 0:54:46Russell. Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!
0:54:46 > 0:54:48Oh, my God, the Daily Mail.
0:54:48 > 0:54:51Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!
0:54:51 > 0:54:53Oh, God, yeah, the Daily Mail.
0:54:53 > 0:54:56Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!
0:54:56 > 0:54:59Daily Mail, Boris Johnson, a couple of slappers.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02Boyish coy look.
0:55:02 > 0:55:05What actually happened was the Daily Mail, Boris Johnson,
0:55:05 > 0:55:07- which...- Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?
0:55:09 > 0:55:13Oh, my God, the Daily Mail - total Nazis.
0:55:13 > 0:55:15And the interesting thing about the Nazis is
0:55:15 > 0:55:20they actually won the Second World War but it was changed in the film.
0:55:21 > 0:55:22Alan, strawberry.
0:55:24 > 0:55:27The interesting thing about Nazis - there's no T in it.
0:55:27 > 0:55:30Should actually be pronounced "nah-zee".
0:55:32 > 0:55:36Diddy Andy Hamilton, please sneer at Ann Widdecombe.
0:55:36 > 0:55:37Ann Widdecombe.
0:55:38 > 0:55:41Ann Widdecombe! Eurgh!
0:55:41 > 0:55:43And the truth about Ann Widdecombe...
0:55:43 > 0:55:45Is Ann Widdecombe a dolphin in a bathtub?
0:55:46 > 0:55:49And the interesting thing about Ann Widdecombe is it's pronounced
0:55:49 > 0:55:51"Ann Wuddicome" in parts of Scotland
0:55:51 > 0:55:54and "Anne Wycombe" in parts of Wycombe.
0:55:54 > 0:55:57And I spend my evenings cuddling me cushion,
0:55:57 > 0:55:58which is more fun than me boyfriend,
0:55:58 > 0:56:00and it hides me cake shelf.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!
0:56:04 > 0:56:07Can we bully some old people now?
0:56:07 > 0:56:11Number one's an ugly ginge. Number two's ugly and stupid.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Number three's ugly, stupid and mental.
0:56:13 > 0:56:15Number four's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker.
0:56:15 > 0:56:19And number five's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker paedophile.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22Number five's definitely a paedo.
0:56:22 > 0:56:27A wonky-eyed-wanker paedo - I'm going to throw a brick at him.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30Look - I've cut his 'ead open!
0:56:30 > 0:56:31It's number five,
0:56:31 > 0:56:35the ugly, stupid, mental, wonky-eyed wanker paedophile!
0:56:36 > 0:56:39Disapproving look.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Stop-stop-stop starting and start stopping.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44Oh, my God, the Daily Mail!
0:56:44 > 0:56:45Good night!
0:56:45 > 0:56:49If BBC Two's past has been worth celebrating,
0:56:49 > 0:56:51what about the present?
0:56:51 > 0:56:53Of course, what I'm really excited about
0:56:53 > 0:56:57is a brand-new 26-part documentary we've just made
0:56:57 > 0:57:00to celebrate the centenary of the First World War.
0:57:00 > 0:57:04December the 25th, 1914, Christmas Day.
0:57:06 > 0:57:10And up popped this German right on top of the rubbly old nunk.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16And we are chatting away to these German scallywags.
0:57:17 > 0:57:20I improvised a game of Fussball.
0:57:20 > 0:57:23The game ended in a nil-all draw.
0:57:23 > 0:57:26And the Germans won on penalties.
0:57:26 > 0:57:29The Germans won on penalties, so they won on penalties.
0:57:29 > 0:57:32And the Germans won on penalties.
0:57:32 > 0:57:36We Germans won on penalties.
0:57:36 > 0:57:40The Germans won on penalties.
0:57:49 > 0:57:51I've got wandering hands.
0:57:53 > 0:57:56And in 50 years' time, with so many new channels,
0:57:56 > 0:58:00so many different new forms of media,
0:58:00 > 0:58:02will there be BBC Two?
0:58:02 > 0:58:05And if there is, will there be BBC Two...Too?
0:58:39 > 0:58:43Johnny and I married a decade or so after he directed me in the show
0:58:43 > 0:58:48and we still like to keep the spark alive for up to eight hours a day.
0:58:51 > 0:58:54- Charlie's going to eat your face off!- Oh!
0:58:54 > 0:58:55Ah!