0:00:03 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:29Please give a big Glasgow welcome to Kevin Bridges!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Beautiful.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Yes! Feel the excitement in the room, yeah!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- CHEERING - Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56good evening and welcome to Live At The Commonwealth.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- CHEERING - Yeah!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The Commonwealth Games - they're finally here.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Can you feel the excitement?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10It's been a long four years since the last Games, but finally...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Who can forget the last Games...?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Wherever they were held! Now they're here in Glasgow.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20It is exciting. Give me a cheer if you've bought tickets.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:24That's good. Three or four of you there.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Big guy clapping, what's your name, sir?- Conor.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Conor, nice to see you, Conor, good man.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- What have you got tickets to go and see?- The opening ceremony.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34The what? The opening ceremony, that's great.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36There was a bit of a dilemma about that.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38They planned to blow up the Red Road flats.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43That was the opening ceremony idea. Somebody suggested that.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46That's quite realistic. No, we don't have delusions of grandeur
0:01:46 > 0:01:51in this city. We're never going to compete with Danny Boyle's 2012
0:01:51 > 0:01:55London Olympic masterpiece, let's just blow up some high-rise flats.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59That's... That idea, that was dismissed far too quickly, you know.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02That's the kind of stuff we excel at in Glasgow.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05We need to play to our strengths. Maybe not blowing up high-rise flats
0:02:05 > 0:02:09but, like, a bonfire or something, you know, Bonfire Night.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Or imagine... Imagine a united Glasgow,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16the one big bonfire for the opening ceremony, mental uncles
0:02:16 > 0:02:20arriving in Transit vans with wooden pallets, piling them on.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We'll let the Queen chuck a can of Lynx Africa on top of it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25It'll be beautiful.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29The opening... There was a fiasco. Don't know if you seen that.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32A ticket fiasco - that's what they call it
0:02:32 > 0:02:36when it's not a crisis or a tragedy. It's just a fiasco.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40That's when local news reporters start showing up at people's houses
0:02:40 > 0:02:43to film them in their bedrooms, sitting on their PC, going,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"Oh, yeah, I think...
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"I just think Ticketmaster should hang their heads in shame.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54"I just... It's just the organising committee, it's embarrassing.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58"You know, the eyes of the world are on Scotland right now and..."
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Some wee guy's sitting with his big gutted face on at his computer,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"Page cannot be displayed," just him going...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"I just wonder what our Commonwealth cousins are going to make of it.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15"They're just..." Our Commonwealth cousins, guys from Rwanda
0:03:15 > 0:03:19and Botswana, they've never had a fiasco, that's tragedy and
0:03:19 > 0:03:23crisis place, they're no' talking about the Glasgow ticket fiasco!
0:03:23 > 0:03:24"What do you make of that?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:28"Oh, I missed that. I was too busy walking 95 miles to find
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"clean drinking water for my family."
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Anybody else, you got any tickets? - CHEERING
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Yes, woman at the back there, what're you going to see?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Swimming, athletics and boxing.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45You're going to see the swimming, the athletics and the boxing?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Good, that's good to see. An eclectic mix.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Who's Scotland's big swimming hope?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Michael Jamieson, yes, he's there.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55He won the silver in London, he's going back, hopefully he gets
0:03:55 > 0:03:58the gold. I'd love to see Michael Jamieson get on that gold podium,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01getting back to grass roots level. Scottish swimming, standing there
0:04:01 > 0:04:05with his wee JD Sports string bag round his shoulder.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Be a proud day for Scottish swimming, getting there.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:04:12 > 0:04:14A slice of caramel cake and a Slush Puppie.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Talking to the silver medallist - "Have you got any hair gel, mate?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"Ah...forgot to pack mine."
0:04:25 > 0:04:27No, a lot of big names have cancelled.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30A lot of the stars of 2012 have cancelled, pulled out.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Sir Chris Hoy, he's retired.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Jessica Ennis, she's cancelled. She's pregnant.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37That's a pretty feeble excuse. As if...
0:04:37 > 0:04:40As if the people of the East End of Glasgow have never seen
0:04:40 > 0:04:43a pregnant woman sprinting before.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Wow, that should be...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49APPLAUSE
0:04:50 > 0:04:54That should be an event. That would sell some tickets!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Pregnant women chasing their boyfriends wi' a pool cue.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00We would excel at that as a nation.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Who else has cancelled, who else? Jessica Ennis, she's cancelled.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Oscar Pistorius, he's cancelled.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14He's got... He's got enough on his plate, that guy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I watched that trial on holiday.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19That's the kind of holidays I go on these days.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I just get sunstroke in the water park on the first day and then spend
0:05:23 > 0:05:28six days on a sofa bed watching Sky News, eating the local crisps.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"I don't feel too good, somebody go to the shop and get me
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"a packet of Ruffles.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"Jamon flavour."
0:05:41 > 0:05:43This is great, just getting away from everything,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45eating some jamon-flavoured Ruffles,
0:05:45 > 0:05:49watching a murder trial, cannae beat it. I watched it.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53His stories, they should just have let him keep talking.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55He thought an intruder had broke into his bathroom.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57That's the first place they're gonnae go(!)
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Go and steal all his bath bombs.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:04"I thought they were trying to get my..."
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- AS OSCAR PISTORIUS:- "..Mr Matey, m'lady."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Should've let him keep talking, see what else he had to say.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13"All right, I'll tell you the truth, you want to hear the truth? I was bursting for a shite, right?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"And she was taking fucking ages!"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:22"And I told her, 'Put your make-up on in the bedroom!'
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"I was touching cloth, Your Honour.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30"I was touching cloth and I panicked, I'm sorry."
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Have we got any of our Commonwealth cousins in?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Australia. Have we got Canada in the audience?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38SMALL GROUP CHEER
0:06:38 > 0:06:40One guy. What part of...?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"What part of Canada are you from, sir?" "Easterhouse."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Are you genuinely Canadian, sir? - Yeah.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Yeah, you are. How long have you been in Glasgow?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Ten years.- Ten years.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Ten-year. That's what we say, "year". We don't say...
0:06:53 > 0:06:57We don't say "years" in Glasgow. Ten-year. none of that plural shite.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03You get a very honest game of Scrabble in this city.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09"Years? Nah, he's no' getting five for that, nah."
0:07:09 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:14It's no' even a word. "Ten years". Who says that? Ten-year!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Ten years, so you're not obviously here
0:07:16 > 0:07:19just for the Commonwealth Games, unless you arrived really early.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Unless you anticipated the ticket fiasco?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I'm trying to think of other Commonwealth countries.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Saint Vincent and the Grenadines in the room?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Tuvalu? Anybody? The British Virgin Islands?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35WOMAN WHOOPS
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I just... There we go, one woman at the back there.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I doubt that's where you're from there, darling.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"Ahhh!"
0:07:46 > 0:07:48The British Virgin Islands. That just reminds me
0:07:48 > 0:07:50of getting a hard time at Geography in school,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53when a nut case in your class was studying a map and he seen it.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"Ah, British Virgin Islands, that's where you should...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"That's where you..." "Shut up! I got a... Shut up!"
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"You're a VL - virgin lips."
0:08:06 > 0:08:10It cost half a billion pound. That's how much it's cost to put on.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I can understand the World Cup making a bit of money, you know,
0:08:13 > 0:08:19but there's not going to be, like, 15,000 Sri Lankan table tennis fans
0:08:19 > 0:08:22in George Square the whole day, boozing,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25and then heading down to Scotstoun Leisure Centre.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Running battles with the police, tear gas getting fired.
0:08:31 > 0:08:3414 arrests for minor offences.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37We're even exploiting them.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Like hotels, hotels are charging over the odds.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42£1,000 some hotel was trying to charge for a night.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46That's ridiculous. I'm getting fed up with hotels, fed up checking in.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49They always break bad news to you as soon as you arrive.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53"Unfortunately, sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area."
0:08:53 > 0:08:57You feel like going, "Well, is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?"
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:04What is the point in free Wi-Fi in the lobby?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I might exercise my right to use the Wi-Fi in the lobby, and the
0:09:08 > 0:09:12hotel manager, he can deal with the negative reviews on TripAdvisor.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18The websites I visit, that's between me and my browsing cookies!
0:09:18 > 0:09:19He can deal with the reviews.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- ENGLISH ACCENT:- "The rooms were spacious, the location was great,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"the staff were a delight, but, unfortunately, there was
0:09:24 > 0:09:27"a Scottish bloke ripping the head off it in the lobby.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31"It was a... It was a tad disconcerting.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"In fact, it was bloody disgusting. There was nothing subtle about it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"He had his denims at his ankles,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"he was using both hands, he was just going for it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41"We won't be back."
0:09:41 > 0:09:44CHEERING
0:09:48 > 0:09:53As it is Live At The Commonwealth,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56we have put together a line-up of world-class comedians.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59We're kicking off with this man. You're going to absolutely love him,
0:09:59 > 0:10:03please make some noise for the wonderful Simon Evans!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Thank you!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Thank you! Thank you very much!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Good evening, how the hell are you, are you well?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19CHEERING Splendid! What a beautiful theatre.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Very nice to be here.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25I am here representing the Commonwealth nation of England.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27BOOING
0:10:27 > 0:10:32Ahh! Yes, which you may well know from the well-known phrase or saying,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"Anyone but England."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39The popular rallying cry, I believe.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:44It is a delight to be here, and very easy, I have to say.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I live in Brighton and Hove on the south coast of England.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50South of London, if you can conceive of such a thing.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52And yet I live near Gatwick Airport,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I was here in just under two hours, door-to-door, extraordinary.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Only this morning, I was bent double down at the allotment.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01And if my wife doesn't like me referring to it as that,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04she should damn well tidy herself up a bit down there. But, erm...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12She's not terribly fond of that joke, my wife.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15It's a shame, cos it does tickle me. But, erm...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:22So I have been invited to speak on the subject of the
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Commonwealth Games and, clearly, Commonwealth fever has gripped
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Glasgow. I wasn't sure whether it would have, but I was walking down
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Sauchiehall Street earlier, popped into the branch of Greggs
0:11:32 > 0:11:36for a little snack, a little healthy snack, and they were offering
0:11:36 > 0:11:40beverages, various beverages in bottles with the sports cap.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43This was in part of the Commonwealth drive for fitness.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46The kind of bottle you can open with your teeth so you don't have to
0:11:46 > 0:11:49dismount from your bicycle at that crucial stage of your triathlon.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I don't think that's a priority for your average Greggs customer, is it,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55the sports cap?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Possibly if you've got a fag on the go in the other hand,
0:11:58 > 0:11:59that's quite handy, I don't know.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01What will they start selling next?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Little pasties with a clip you can put on your track shorts and a long
0:12:05 > 0:12:09straw you can suck the gravy out while you're going over the hurdles.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10I don't know if that's...
0:12:12 > 0:12:14But despite the fact that it would be easy to mock
0:12:14 > 0:12:17the Commonwealth Games, I'm genuinely looking forward to it.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20It will be a relief, apart from anything else, as an Englishman, to
0:12:20 > 0:12:24see England competing in a sporting event in which not every encounter
0:12:24 > 0:12:28is treated as a chance to revisit some military defeat or victory.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Football, basically, for England fans, is purely about battles.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Germany and Argentina are the only two games we're really interested in.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It's a shame the Daleks haven't got a side, to be honest.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It's terribly depressing.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Whereas France, who have a perfectly decent side, we have no interest
0:12:44 > 0:12:46in playing because in the last two wars, we helped them out.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49So even though they may defeat us calamitously on the football field,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52we still regard them as children and just ruffle their hair.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54We used to hate the French with great passion.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57The language is full of expressions which give you a clue as to how
0:12:57 > 0:13:00we felt about the French - French letter, French leave,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02French twat.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Whereas big athletic events like the Commonwealth Games are marvellous.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10We have a bit of an ongoing rivalry with Australia.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Australians are a fine people.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They are constantly badgered with the old idea...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17The old joke is that Australians are all descended from convicts.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20This is the joke, and if you go through immigration in Australia
0:13:20 > 0:13:22and they say, "Do you have a criminal record?"
0:13:22 > 0:13:26and you're supposed to say, "Oh, I didn't think you still needed one!"
0:13:26 > 0:13:29So, I do like, I do like the big athletic events.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32London 2012 Olympics was a marvellous time,
0:13:32 > 0:13:33it brought the country together.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Nobody really anticipated just how great it would be.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37All sorts of wonderful memories -
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis, winning their various medals.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Probably for most people the highlight would be
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Boris Johnson dangling from a broken zip wire for half an hour,
0:13:46 > 0:13:51bobbing gently in the breeze like a big, fat, blonde, Tory pinata.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55If only they'd given the kids underneath him a couple of baseball bats...
0:13:55 > 0:13:56APPLAUSE
0:13:56 > 0:13:59..they could've had the Eton mess out of him there and then
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and finished the job off.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04But it did... Sporting events like that, they can inspire
0:14:04 > 0:14:05a generation, this is a fact.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07We have the leisure time, we have the money to
0:14:07 > 0:14:11follow our athlete heroes and to indulge our fantasies.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Didn't happen to my father, certainly not in his generation.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16He'd never have thought of putting on Lycra leggings
0:14:16 > 0:14:19and going cycling through the Sussex Downs with his cock and balls
0:14:19 > 0:14:22in obvious relief, pressed against his inner thigh...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24like I do. And he certainly... LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:26..would never have gone to a gym
0:14:26 > 0:14:29and had a half-hour induction course to learn how to walk up
0:14:29 > 0:14:31a mechanical hill for half an hour.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34He got out there in the garden and he hoed and he dug and he weeded.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38As a result, by the time he was 40, his back was fucked!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Couldn't stand upright without a stepladder after a couple of
0:14:41 > 0:14:45hours out there, but we had our own radishes, that was important to him.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Folks, you've been a delight.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Thanks very much indeed. See you soon, take care, bye-bye.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53APPLAUSE
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Simon Evans!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05We're going to crack on with the international line-up,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08all the way from Canada, she's fantastic, she's superb,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11give it up, please, for Katherine Ryan!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:23 > 0:15:25And hello. Hi! I love Glasgow.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I have to tell you it is one of my favourite cities in the world.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I spent about a month here this year for work and you're
0:15:30 > 0:15:35so friendly, so funny, just so good to me. Thank you for that.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I'm a Canadian living in London, so I am NOT used to it.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Not at all, that's what you and I have in common,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44obnoxious neighbours who like starting wars.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Eh!
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- Now, my dad's from Ireland, that makes me half legend.- Wooh!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Yes, ma'am. Or is it myth? Who knows?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57The Irish give their children too many names, too many names.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00All I wanted to be growing up was Stephanie. Stephanie.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02You know, I'd be playing in the garden,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05called in for lunch like this, Katherine Mary Louise Roisin Ryan!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I was not quintuplets, that was just me!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It's too many names!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13It's brave as an Irish person to think of all the names you know
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and give them to your first-born when you know you're going to
0:16:16 > 0:16:18have another baby every nine months till you're dead.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Well, we're here for the Commonwealth Games
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- in Scotland, well done! - CHEERING
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Sport is difficult for me, I have trouble following.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29And it's been a summer of sport, right?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33The World Cup, then Wimbledon, then the cricket, now Commonwealth Games.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34I have not been this confused and exhausted
0:16:34 > 0:16:37since I tried to win a holiday in Magaluf.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh, yeah. I know.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43All I got was a drink.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46At that point I wasn't even thirsty!
0:16:49 > 0:16:50I know a little bit about the
0:16:50 > 0:16:53British-Empire-until-they-lost-it Games.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55They started in 1930 and have been going ever
0:16:55 > 0:16:58since with the exception of '42 and '46, when they were cancelled
0:16:58 > 0:17:00because of the Second World War.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03But you, Glasgow, are powering through in 2014 right in the middle
0:17:03 > 0:17:06of Scotland's war against England and I think that's very brave.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I hope you win.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Commonwealth, Commonwealth, that's like an oxymoron, common wealth.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Or the original title for the television show
0:17:14 > 0:17:16The Only Way Is Essex.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No, no.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22In a poll conducted by the Royal Commonwealth Society, they found
0:17:22 > 0:17:24out that a quarter of Canadians would leave the Commonwealth.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Half didn't know what it was and the other quarter wouldn't answer
0:17:28 > 0:17:30the question because you didn't ask it en Francais!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I know what it is, I know. It means that we fancy England,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40but England wants to keep seeing other people, that's cool.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45I guess in Canada we try to model your political systems,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47that's one thing we do. Yeah?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50We had a mayor who famously smoked crack, he still couldn't
0:17:50 > 0:17:53manage to dick everything up as bad as your leaders.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Another thing we didn't take is your class, we have literally no class.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Canadians will eat Poutine
0:18:00 > 0:18:03with our fingers, but we also don't have a class system.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04We genuinely don't, we don't.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07We have rich and poor people, we just don't think it's
0:18:07 > 0:18:09polite to keep reminding them what they are.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11But here, you're very organised. You're very like, oh...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- ENGLISH ACCENT - What are you, what are you?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Are you working class? What are you, what are you?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You have to group things like you've got socioeconomic Asperger's,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21what is that? Right, what am I?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Well, let's just say we weren't rich enough to have a flag on a mast,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27but not poor enough that we had one in the window - what's that?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30In London you have to choose, you have to identify. There's
0:18:30 > 0:18:34working class, middle class and Russian, you know, pick one.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36And we queue, we took that from... We queue,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39but we don't get powerfully excited about it, like you do.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I've seen people running to join a queue,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43they can't wait to get there, right.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Just running, just for the queue, there's no bus,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48the bus is off, the guy's not even in the bus, it's just like
0:18:48 > 0:18:51they want to get in five minutes of good queuing before they leave.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55They love that, like you're queuing for a bus not a blow job, relax.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59We're obsessed with the royal family in Canada, obsessed,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02though we have no idea what they do.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04The Queen's got to contend with Prince Philip.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I like him, I know he's not very PC, I've grown to like that.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10You introduce him to a tribeswoman with ears down to her armpits,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12tits down to her knees,
0:19:12 > 0:19:16he's not going to say something bang on about deforestation, is he?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17You'd be disappointed if he did!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's one of the only British things we can count on!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22The economy's up and down, the weather's all over the place,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24put Prince Philip in front of an Australian
0:19:24 > 0:19:27he WILL use the word convict almost immediately.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30What about the young royals? Oh!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33The young royals, they're so cool!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Prince William in Canada was in our teen magazines,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39he was pitched to us like a heart throb, genuinely.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42He was shown to us like, ooh, Prince William, I had posters of him
0:19:42 > 0:19:45on my wall, it was like he was in a boy band - 'One's Direction',
0:19:45 > 0:19:47it was very special.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Not Prince Harry though, they never mentioned him,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53he was just like the little ugly one following in the back like, waaah!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58How the tables have turned on that!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I don't want to be explicit, but what I would do to that kid no
0:20:00 > 0:20:04military training in the world can prepare him for.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Yum!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10That's the most successful change of luck story of a ginger orphan
0:20:10 > 0:20:11since Annie.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Yes!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- APPLAUSE - Thank you so much for listening.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Enjoy your Commonwealth Games, I'll see you soon. Good night.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Katherine Ryan!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Anybody name any of these flags?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Top left, do you know that, a lion carrying a knife?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Yeah. - That would be a great flag for us.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- You know a bit of... - Easterhouse.- No idea.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44No idea. Anybody else?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Sri Lanka somebody said. Is that the lion with the knife, Sri Lanka?
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Well done, sir!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I wish there was a prize, but you're on national TV as an expert.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54That's Sri Lanka's flag, is it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:56 > 0:20:59That'll be...that'll be draped across George Square,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03amidst the boozing masses when the ping-pong comes to town.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10Even Nando's have got a country in the bottom right there.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11It's exciting.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Wow! So, ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18keeping on with the international line-up
0:21:18 > 0:21:20all the way from South Africa, he's superb, you're going
0:21:20 > 0:21:23to love him, ladies and gentlemen, please go wild,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25show some love for the wonderful Trevor Noah!
0:21:25 > 0:21:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Thank you.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I hadn't planned to be like this.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48I injured myself, I was playing football and then got the,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52a torn meniscus in the knee, the same injury that Luis Suarez had.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I've learned not to tell that to Scottish people though,
0:21:56 > 0:21:57because they all say the same thing.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I say, "Oh..." They go, "Oh! What happened your knee?"
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I say, "Oh, the same thing that happened to Louis Suarez."
0:22:02 > 0:22:03They go, "Oh, so he bit you?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"No, he didn't." I tore the meniscus which means now I cannot walk.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I haven't been able to walk for three months now which is not
0:22:11 > 0:22:14the worst thing that's happened to me, to be honest.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16The worst thing is, is that I don't enjoy the toilet any more,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I didn't realise how much I actually enjoyed going to the toilet.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It was one of the most sacred places for me as a person.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23I enjoyed it. It gives me solace
0:22:23 > 0:22:26from my relationship, it er...you know, because it's
0:22:26 > 0:22:28the one place a woman can't follow you to, which I really enjoy.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Cos they would follow you, if they could. Women go with each other to the toilet, which is a
0:22:32 > 0:22:35strange occurrence, then they'd go with men as well and the longer
0:22:35 > 0:22:39you're in a relationship with a woman, the more you'll realise this. You stand up
0:22:39 > 0:22:41at ten o'clock at night and she's like, "Where you going?"
0:22:41 > 0:22:44To check on my bitches. Where do you think I'm going? To the toilet.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46It's free, it's wonderful.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I go there, I'm with myself, by myself, you know,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I play Candy Crush that's, that's pretty much all I do.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54If you play Candy Crush, though, I've learned you should
0:22:54 > 0:22:57turn the volume off on your phone, otherwise it sounds creepy from the
0:22:57 > 0:23:00outside, because people walk past and all they're hearing is "tasty".
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"Delicious."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07But now I'm here.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09And I'm learning about the place slowly.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13I tried to learn the accent from very limited references. Shrek
0:23:13 > 0:23:18and 300 mostly, which means I say donkey well
0:23:18 > 0:23:23and I can threaten people, which works in Glasgow, funny enough.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Yeah, I practised a lot.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I practised so much, I was excited to get it right.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I got into the taxi, taxi driver was there I was like...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33IN A BAD ACCENT "Take me to Glasgow, please."
0:23:34 > 0:23:37He was like, "OK, we find it together, eh?"
0:23:41 > 0:23:45It wasn't exactly...what I planned.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47He was probably from Edinburgh.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Scottish summer's weird, because it's not summer.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I know I'm African, so I'm spoiled, but it's just not.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58People are running around in shorts forcing it, it's not summer.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00If it's not summer, it's not summer, don't force it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Summer doesn't work on your schedule, if it's not hot, it's not summer.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05You're like, it's summer! It's not summer yet!
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Don't complain about the weather to Scottish people, they get very sensitive.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I was like, "Oh! It's a bit chilly." He said "What, you think this is cold?"
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I said, "Yeah, it's very cold". He said, "Oh! You think this is cold, you should come back in January!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I said, "Oh! Does it get better?" He said, "No, it gets worse!"
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Well, then why would you invite me back?!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26What sick person invites you back to a time you'd enjoy even less?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Oh! Jewish guy, should've been in Germany in the '30s, aye.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Why would you do that? Just tell me when it gets warmer.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I'm enjoying it out here, it's fun, it's different.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Commonwealth Games, that's going to be fun.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Yeah, there's not many sports I enjoy, I won't lie.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47I think athletics is everything, everything else is a waste.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51It's true. I just want to see people run. Gunshot, run.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Gunshot, run. It reminds me of home.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59And now they say rowing is coming to the next Commonwealth Games.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03That's probably my favourite sport because nothing, nothing epitomises rich people like rowing.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Just everything about it, yes, yes. We'll be in boats that nobody else can afford,
0:25:07 > 0:25:11we'll do what nobody else can do. Ah! I love this, I love this!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14That's not rowing, that's how they push poor people away.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Go away, go away, all of you, go away!
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Ah! Scotland.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22What a wonderful place Glasgow has been.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I just walk around all day and that's all I do.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Well, not walk, walk but walk.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I like it, because you don't get to walk much in South Africa
0:25:30 > 0:25:31where I'm from, you know.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I mean you can walk, it's just it'll probably turn into a run,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37some of them more exciting.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39This is partly because of the crime, right?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Not to say we have a lot of crime, it's just that we HAVE crime.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Whereas here you guys don't have crime, that's why you can
0:25:44 > 0:25:48walk around that's, and I know you guys say you have crime, but I've, I've seen it, it's not.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52It's not crime, it's not, it's not crime crime, it's cute crimes, you know.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54It's like... And you stab people, that's cute,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58that's just like... It is, because it's one person at a time. It's just like, ah!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Me next, me next! It's not... It's not like crime crime.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Like in South Africa people do like REAL crimes,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05they blow up ATMs. That's like CRIME, you know,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08and that's just because they forgot their pin number, that's all, they're...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11That's crime, you guys don't have crime, we've got REAL crime.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I don't know like how I could live here,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15because every day you just, you know you're going to get home.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20I don't know how you...how you live with yourself, it's just, you know.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It's just so boring. No wonder you guys drink so much.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28You must come and visit South Africa, all of you.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32I mean, I came to Scotland in your summer and I'm enjoying it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35A lot of British people complain, though, when they come back.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38One guy complained way too much, he said, I don't like it, because of the crime.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41It was just too much crime for me, Trevor, way too much crime.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I said, what crime happened to you, did any crime happen to you?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46He said, actually, crime DID happen to me.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I had my wallet and I was in a restaurant
0:26:48 > 0:26:49and I put it down on the table and then I left
0:26:49 > 0:26:52and when came back the wallet was gone and I didn't appreciate that.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55That was crime. I said, what? That's not crime.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57He said, that's crime. I said, that's not a crime.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01You think that's crime, you should come back in January, my friend.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You should come back in January. You guys have been fantastic.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Thanks so much for having me. Have a good night!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:19Trevor Noah, everybody! Give it up for him.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Carrying an injury and still done the job, professional, good to see.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28So we're here, Glasgow. We do, we are getting a nice summer.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30It is, we get nice weather, these days.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32That's been the last few years we've had some nice weather.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Barbecue weather, but disposable barbecue, you don't
0:27:36 > 0:27:40want to get complacent and make a reckless decision.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43That's a sound economic decision you need to make on the first nice day.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You don't just go and buy a barbecue for like 100 quid,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48you get a quote first.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52100 quid for a barbecue, a fiver for a disposable, we're
0:27:52 > 0:27:56going to need 20 nice days for that to be economically viable - no.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58We'll buy a disposable
0:27:58 > 0:28:01and if it's nice the next day we'll buy another disposable.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And if it's nice the day after that, we'll buy ANOTHER disposable.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07That's it, and then the heat wave continues, you feel
0:28:07 > 0:28:11like a contestant on Deal or No Deal, you've dealt far too soon.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Fivers racking up,
0:28:13 > 0:28:17three weeks of nice weather, you've got nothing to show for it.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Devastating!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22We got a 26 degrees, that was the record last year,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24that's an exciting day.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27I've never seen my dad so thrilled sitting there, you don't, you
0:28:27 > 0:28:30enjoy your nice day, your disposable barbecue and then you need to come
0:28:30 > 0:28:33home and watch the global weather report, to see, see
0:28:33 > 0:28:36how you compared on the big league, watching the results coming in.
0:28:36 > 0:28:3826, look at that, son. We're only two behind Madeira.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Look at this! Here! We've beat Venice, get in here!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46And then the camera moves to the Middle East,
0:28:46 > 0:28:50his heart just breaks. Abu Dhabi, 52, for fuck's sake.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Aye, but there's nae pubs in Abu Dhabi,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56what's the point in a 52 if you cannae go to a beer garden?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Anyway, we're gonnae to crack on, we're gonnae finish in style.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05We've had South Africa, we've had Canada, we've had England, we're gonnae finish up with Scotland,
0:29:05 > 0:29:08one of our own, ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10please give it up for Danny Bhoy!
0:29:10 > 0:29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Oh! I hope that's not the starter gun we're using?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Jesus!
0:29:29 > 0:29:31- How are you all, are you all right? - Yeah!
0:29:31 > 0:29:34So, Commonwealth Games, eh? Ah!
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Well, Glasgow, you've not done so well on the wealth bit,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40but you've done very well on the common bit.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44I read in the paper they were trying to put cricket into this
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Commonwealth Games and then someone pointed out, you know
0:29:47 > 0:29:50it's in Scotland, people don't give a shit about cricket here.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55If you ever see a guy with a cricket bat in Glasgow...
0:29:58 > 0:30:01..he's not on his way to the village green, right?
0:30:02 > 0:30:03I love this city, it's great.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07I was here last weekend and I went...
0:30:07 > 0:30:11I love watching Scottish women on a Friday night - that sounds terrible.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16I mean, I don't mean with binoculars from a tree, right, I mean I love
0:30:16 > 0:30:20OBSERVING, observing Scottish women on a Friday night, because there's
0:30:20 > 0:30:23a certain procedure with which you guys go out drinking, isn't there?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Like you go home after work and you go out
0:30:26 > 0:30:29and you look fantastic, ladies! Oh!
0:30:29 > 0:30:34Lovely, fragrant and sophisticated,
0:30:34 > 0:30:35bouncy hair.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37How do you get that hair to bounce?
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I love the bounce, the bounce, the bounce, bounce, bounce.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43The little bag bouncing with the hair. Bounce, bounce, bounce.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46And they meet each other outside that All Bar One.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50Bounce, bounce, bounce, compliment each other "Nice bag, Gemma."
0:30:50 > 0:30:51"Thank you."
0:30:54 > 0:30:59Fragrant, sophisticated, classy and then you go into that pub.
0:31:03 > 0:31:04What happens in there?
0:31:05 > 0:31:09I watched the same group of women come out two or three hours later,
0:31:09 > 0:31:11it was definitely the same group of women.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14What happened in there?
0:31:14 > 0:31:15The walk is immediately different.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18The walk in was stylish, sophisticated,
0:31:18 > 0:31:23the walk out it's, it's kind of the crossed arms, the kind of...
0:31:27 > 0:31:32Where's the bounce? There's no bounce any more, just a confused,
0:31:32 > 0:31:38hair stuck to their face, bag wide open you know, shit falling out.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42Trying to find each other.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45You were together. Where, where's...? And then there's a,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48there's that conversation that has to happen, yeah,
0:31:48 > 0:31:51amongst groups of women on a Friday night all over Scotland
0:31:51 > 0:31:54when they come out of the pub, you know the one.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00"Right, shut up listen. Shut up. Shut up, shut up listen!
0:32:00 > 0:32:03"Shut up, shut up listen, listen. Girls, girls, girls, heehee.
0:32:03 > 0:32:08"Shut up, no shut up listen. No, seriously, shut up.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11"Where are we going, where are we going?
0:32:11 > 0:32:17"Guys, guys, guys, guys listen, listen. Shut up, listen. No, tut!
0:32:17 > 0:32:20"Fuck off, where are we going?" "I don't know, LET'S JUST GO!"
0:32:24 > 0:32:28"Yeah, but where we going?" "I don't know, let's just go!
0:32:28 > 0:32:30"WHO ARE WE WAITING FOR?!
0:32:32 > 0:32:35"Who we, who we waiting for? Gemma. Oh!
0:32:35 > 0:32:37"What a bitch, she's talking to that bloke.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40"Did you see her bag? What an ugly piece of shit!"
0:32:41 > 0:32:43What happened in there?
0:32:43 > 0:32:46"Where we going, I don't know, let's just go."
0:32:46 > 0:32:48An hour later, they're still there.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51No-one has gone anywhere until eventually one breaks away,
0:32:51 > 0:32:54you know, the one, the independent one, she's had enough.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56"Right, that's it, I'm going.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59"NO, I'm going, if you want to come, come, but I'm going.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02"I'm SICK of this!"
0:33:05 > 0:33:07"I'm going, that's it, I'm going.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09"I'm SICK of it, SICK of it!"
0:33:09 > 0:33:12And then the one, the one that's somehow managed to develop
0:33:12 > 0:33:16a limp during the evening, there's always one,
0:33:16 > 0:33:19there's no explanation for this, she's the one that follows.
0:33:19 > 0:33:26"I'm coming, I'm coming. Wait, I'm coming. Wait, wait, I'm coming."
0:33:27 > 0:33:29"Where they going?" "I don't know, let's just go."
0:33:32 > 0:33:35What's all this about, ladies? Explain this one to me, please?
0:33:35 > 0:33:37What's this, "Right, girls, right we're gonnae go."
0:33:37 > 0:33:41Right, finally decided. "We're gonnae go, we're gonnae go to that club, right?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43"Go to that club? Right, excellent. We're all going to the club.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46"Come on, let's go to the club. Oh! Are we gonnae get a taxi?
0:33:46 > 0:33:49"Right, we'll get a taxi, aye, we'll get a taxi."
0:33:49 > 0:33:55"Taxi, taxi... we're getting a taxi, we're getting a taxi."
0:33:56 > 0:33:58What are you doing? Why are you taking your shoes off,
0:33:58 > 0:34:01you're getting into the back of a cab in Glasgow?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04That's the last place you should take your shoes off.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Oh, I never quite understand that.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11You never see blokes do that, do you?
0:34:11 > 0:34:15"Awright, lads, eh, that was good, anyway,
0:34:15 > 0:34:18"are we gonnae go to that Indian restaurant?"
0:34:18 > 0:34:20"Aye, aye, aye we'll go to the Indian, aye."
0:34:20 > 0:34:24"We'll, we'll get a taxi?" "Aye, we'll get a taxi aye."
0:34:24 > 0:34:26"Aye, we'll get a taxi."
0:34:26 > 0:34:29"Aye, we'll get a taxi, aye come on we'll get a taxi.
0:34:29 > 0:34:30"Aye, we'll get a taxi."
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Oh, I love it. Those little,
0:34:37 > 0:34:42just little things that define our drinking culture in Scotland.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Just the little things that separate us
0:34:45 > 0:34:48from all the other Commonwealth countries.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52Like, I was in a pub in Edinburgh and there was a big
0:34:52 > 0:34:55table of people next to me and there was one guy standing up
0:34:55 > 0:34:59taking the round for the table - you've seen this a million times.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Concentration, he's like... "Right, let me get this right.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06"Three pint of lager, two vodka coke, two vodka orange,
0:35:06 > 0:35:08"one whisky coke, one bottle of Becks.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11"Right, don't talk to me now..."
0:35:17 > 0:35:18"No!"
0:35:18 > 0:35:22And he went to the bar and yeah, you know
0:35:22 > 0:35:25he got his, regurgitated this order, he got all the drinks in,
0:35:25 > 0:35:28he got the whole thing and this huge big round of drinks.
0:35:28 > 0:35:34But he didn't use a tray. Och, no! I'm not French.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36He was going to carry this round back to this table through
0:35:36 > 0:35:38this crowd of people.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40And it was amazing, he just did one look and the one look
0:35:40 > 0:35:44from the bar told him everything he needed to know about the situation.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47He needed to know, right, I've got to go down there, over that, in and
0:35:47 > 0:35:50outside that, over them, watch out for that and then get into there.
0:35:50 > 0:35:54Right, nae bother. Right, let's get you puppies home. Right.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57And then he turned around and concentration was
0:35:57 > 0:36:01incredible as he just diligently kept his eyes on the drinks,
0:36:01 > 0:36:05for he knew from memory where he had to go.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08And he slowly made his way through this crowd.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12It was, it was so majestic.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18It was like a, it was like a Scottish t'ai chi.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Didn't spill a drop. He couldn't say excuse me,
0:36:25 > 0:36:28because he had two bags of crisps in his mouth.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30And he was going, "Excuse me,
0:36:30 > 0:36:34"excuse, I said excuse me... I'll fucking come back for you!"
0:36:36 > 0:36:39And then he went through, it was amazing.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42And he got to the table and this is what I'm talking about,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44he just did a little thing.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48You will not see this in any other country, drinks come down onto
0:36:48 > 0:36:52the table, as soon as they hit the table he just went...
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Waste not, want not.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09And everyone was like, "Yeah!"
0:37:09 > 0:37:11And his mate, one of his mates was like,
0:37:11 > 0:37:13"Eh! You forgot my bottle of Becks?"
0:37:13 > 0:37:15And without missing a beat he went "Oh! Did I?"
0:37:15 > 0:37:17And he just pulled it out of his sock...
0:37:18 > 0:37:19"Never doubt me."
0:37:24 > 0:37:26It's little things,
0:37:26 > 0:37:30little things which show our mentality towards drinking is
0:37:30 > 0:37:33different from every other Commonwealth country you'll go to.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35I'll give you the best example.
0:37:35 > 0:37:40I was in a clothes shop in Edinburgh, a few months ago,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43and it was one of those clothes shops where of course
0:37:43 > 0:37:46they have no mirror in the fitting room - I hate that.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49You have to come out and use the one in the shop,
0:37:49 > 0:37:52in front of everyone, just so some prick can say, "Oh,
0:37:52 > 0:37:57"that's nice, ain't it? It really suits you, it does."
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Fuck off.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07But, I'm in the communal, it's a communal mirror, there's me
0:38:07 > 0:38:09and there's a guy next to me, maybe 18,
0:38:09 > 0:38:1219-year-old kid, right, he's just trying on his shirt.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15This is the shirt he's thinking about wearing out that night.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18And he just did a little thing, which I guarantee you will
0:38:18 > 0:38:22not see in any other country except Scotland, this kid just went...
0:38:34 > 0:38:37"Just need to see how the pint will go with the shirt later on."
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Thanks very much for listening, folks.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Take care of yourself, it's always a pleasure, Glasgow.
0:38:42 > 0:38:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:46 > 0:38:48Danny Bhoy!
0:38:48 > 0:38:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:52 > 0:38:53What a way to finish.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Ladies and gentlemen, you have been watching
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Live At The Commonwealth. Please keep your applause
0:38:57 > 0:39:02going for Trevor Noah, Katherine Ryan, Simon Evans and
0:39:02 > 0:39:06top of the show, Danny Bhoy! Good night, thank you!
0:39:09 > 0:39:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE