0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:28Please give a big Glasgow welcome to Kevin Bridges.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Ladies and gentlemen, good evening, hello
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and welcome to Live At The Referendum.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:49It's a historical time.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52A referendum on Scottish Independence,
0:00:52 > 0:00:56we've got the Yes campaign, we've got the Better Together campaign.
0:00:56 > 0:01:02And we don't have the Fuck It, It'll Be A Good Laugh campaign.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03There's a lot of negatives.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I think it could be a laugh,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09the idea of Scotland being a proper foreign country.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And we could just start messing about with the time zones
0:01:12 > 0:01:14and stuff like that.
0:01:14 > 0:01:189am every Friday the clocks go forward for eight hours.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Who could stop us?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26It's our country.
0:01:26 > 0:01:299pm Sunday night, they go back for eight hours.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36In our foreign country we could get our own plug sockets.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41A big, a big six pronger, a big...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:46..a big hideous monstrosity.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51A Scottish plug socket, it doubles up as a violent weapon.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54That's how we kick start the economy,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57we sell plug sockets at the airports - international arrivals.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00"You got your plug socket, mate? No, that's three prongs,
0:02:00 > 0:02:04"that's an English plug socket. This is a Scottish plug socket."
0:02:04 > 0:02:08"Is it for an electrical appliance or self-defence, sir?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Aye, I've got other concerns.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Obviously the economic argument. An independent Scotland
0:02:13 > 0:02:17will not be allowed to enter into a currency union with the UK
0:02:17 > 0:02:18and we've been told that.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I think we could maybe start our own money.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23You know I was getting fed up with the pound anyway, the sterling.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Who even calls it the pound?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28It's a quid or smackarooney that could be...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30That could be the currency.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32How hard is it to start your own currency?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34A smackarooney, that could be it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Oh, you could bear a recession if your currency's the smackarooney
0:02:38 > 0:02:41but never a depression, it would cheer you up.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43"Oh, I'm down to my last five smackaroonies."
0:02:46 > 0:02:49You could rack up a crippling debt, the international monetary fund
0:02:49 > 0:02:52could announce the independent nation of Scotland
0:02:52 > 0:02:57is running at a two hundred billion smackarooney deficit.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Just use it as a deflection tactic,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"What was that, mate? Two hundred billion what?"
0:03:02 > 0:03:07"Smackaroonies. Aye, bet you wished you used the smackarooney, eh?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"You'll fucking get your money, mate."
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Aye, we've got our woes. We've got...
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Alex Salmond, he is... People are finding it difficult to see past...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It's a decision between two guys, Alex Salmond and David Cameron,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28and they're both pretty difficult to like.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29They're difficult to warm to.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Alex Salmond, he looks as if there's something else behind it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35He looks as if maybe he got a knock back off an English girl
0:03:35 > 0:03:37on holiday...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42..when he was 15 and she broke his heart
0:03:42 > 0:03:46and that's what's fuelled this entire campaign.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47And then the referendum's on a Thursday,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50that'll be a horrible weekend for him if that's a No vote.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53He'll get spotted somewhere that Sunday night in Edinburgh
0:03:53 > 0:03:56walking through with his shirt ripped, steaming...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00..booting wing mirrors off cars.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06"Claudia! You fucking cow!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"You got what you wanted!"
0:04:12 > 0:04:15At least Alex Salmond looks like shite,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I will say that for him, at least he looks terrible.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20David Cameron, he looks a bit fresh for the amount
0:04:20 > 0:04:23he must have on his mind if you're cutting the benefits of the poor
0:04:23 > 0:04:26and the taxes of the rich as easy as that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29He doesn't look as if... He sleeps like a baby, that guy.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32His big, fresh, steam room face. He doesn't have dreams that he's
0:04:32 > 0:04:38getting chased and he cannae run and he's shouting for help
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and his teeth are flying out.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Waking his wife up going, "Ah!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Oh, that's it, "My surname's Cameron", that's what he said.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I like his speeches when he goes,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53"Scotland, I love Scotland. You put the great in Great Britain.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"My surname's Cameron of course..."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You cannae just recklessly flaunt your surname like that
0:04:58 > 0:05:01and no expect the inevitable interrogation.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"Sorry, Prime Minister, you said your surname is Cameron,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"do you know Ritchie Cameron?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12"Stevie Cameron? Oh, Sandra Cameron's boy? No, no, sorry, mate.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I just... Anyway continue."
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"Eh, Camy boy, eh? Surname's Cameron,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"the Camser, the Camseretto."
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Have we got any young people in?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Give me a cheer if you're...?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24CHEERING
0:05:24 > 0:05:27..if you're under 18? Yes. How old, how old are you?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Er...
0:05:28 > 0:05:32It's not that difficult a question, sir.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You're not trying to buy bevy here.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Just answer. He's trying to remember a date of birth.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41How old are you? 20? 22. Aye, is that young in Scotland?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Have you checked the life expectancy figures?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47All right, have we got any 16-year-olds in?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Yeah.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Yes, well, I don't mean to sound a bit fucking creepy there...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- AS ROLF HARRIS:- "Can you tell what it is yet?"
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I don't mean to sound like Rolf Harris, no.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I just realised when you hear yourself shouting,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Have we got any 16-year-olds in?"
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Rolf Harris, I don't think anybody seen it.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11You can see it in retrospect when, "Oh, aye, I can see it now."
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Like Jimmy Savile, look at that guy.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Was it...? I don't remember him from back in the TV days,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I was too young. I just look at pictures of him these days.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Was everyone smoking crack back in the day?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Fucking look at him!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27If I was to draw a paedo...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:35APPLAUSE
0:06:35 > 0:06:37If somebody said to me,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"Any chance you can draw us a wee paedo there, Kev?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I'd be going, "Aye, aye. Big paedo glasses, there we go.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Big paedo cigar, paedo teeth."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49How did he got away with that when he was alive?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51That should've been the court case.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"You've done something mate, fucking look at you.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"Get in the jail!"
0:06:56 > 0:06:59APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Aye, as soon as you tell 16-year-olds they can do
0:07:03 > 0:07:06something legally, the novelty's gone, they no longer want to do it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I preferred back in the day when you couldn't vote at 16,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12remember that? Underage voting. They were the days.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18When you used to hang out outside the polling station
0:07:18 > 0:07:22waiting for an old guy, ask him if he'll go in and vote for you.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25The memories.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Going, "Excuse me, mate, any chance you could vote for us?"
0:07:30 > 0:07:32The old guy's looking about kind of shifty,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"All right, mate, what you after?"
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Going home to your mum and dad and they're going,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"You've been fucking voting!"
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"Don't lie to me, Kevin, you've been voting!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"If I find out and if you're no telling me now,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"I'll be even angrier."
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Honestly, Dad, I've no been voting."
0:07:48 > 0:07:52"You're gonnae end up like your cousin Fraser, a prick.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"It's a slippery slope, this politics."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Aye, there's going to be a record number of spoiled ballot papers
0:07:58 > 0:08:00if they're letting 16-year-olds vote.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03People will be going through them, "Nicola Sturgeon loves the boaby.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"Yes or No?"
0:08:06 > 0:08:08APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:15"Will we put that as a No? Aye, I'll call that a No, yeah."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Have we got any English in?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Newcastle.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Newcastle. How do you feel about the independence referendum?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Erm... We should get our own independence.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30You think Newcastle should go independent as well?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:41We're just taking a big saw to the UK all over.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42What's the big questions?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Will Scotland...? Will we keep the royal family as the head of state?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I reckon we could get our own royal family,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50just a royal family that makes some money.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You know we could have it like a lottery,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55you could buy a ticket, everybody, the whole nation is entered into
0:08:55 > 0:09:00a draw and you can win the chance to be the Scottish royal family.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02It'll be great! Just pull it...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It doesn't matter where you're from or your background.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"Now, there we go, the King is Eddie McCabe from..."
0:09:08 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"..22/4 Seamill View."
0:09:12 > 0:09:17"22/4, does that mean the King's living in a flat?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"He won it, there he is."
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Royalists outside his flat looking up,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25seeing if they can catch a glimpse of the King.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"There he is. 22, 19, 20, 21, 22. Is that him?"
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"Aye! His curtains are open. Here, he's in, he's in."
0:09:30 > 0:09:35"No, I heard he went to her maw's caravan for the weekend."
0:09:35 > 0:09:36We like the English.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39It's only small frustrations and it probably comes from ourselves,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42like the accent, it does get frustrating. Like when you travel,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I was in a lift before, this was actually in Australia
0:09:45 > 0:09:47so it's not really an English thing.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:50It's just the Scottish accent.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I was in a lift and a guy... I'd a carton of Ribena,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57right? I don't mind revealing that side of myself on stage.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59And the guy felt the need to comment on it
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and I almost ended up fighting with the guy.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I was drinking Ribena, I'm not an aggressive person,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06it's just small talk becomes difficult
0:10:06 > 0:10:11when you've got a Scottish accent. He commented, he said, "Oh, Ribena?"
0:10:11 > 0:10:14And I said, "Aye, party time." Right?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19You know that way you say something that you would never have said
0:10:19 > 0:10:23if you knew you were going to have to repeat it about four times?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28He said, "What?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:30And I said, "Oh, party time."
0:10:30 > 0:10:34And he's going, "Patty, patty twam?"
0:10:34 > 0:10:36And you start feeling your blood boiling,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'm saying, "Party time, like Ribena.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43"A wee joke, it's Ribena. It's clearly not fucking party time!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"That was my wee small talk joke, just smile, mate!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"It's party time."
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Smacking the side of his head with a carton of strawberry Ribena,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53the lift opens, somebody thinks it's blood everywhere,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56just me going, "Party time!"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01But if we go independent, it'll no longer be an accent,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03it'll be a language.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Tourists visiting here, they'll just need to learn a bit.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09You know every group of guys like stag dos coming up
0:11:09 > 0:11:10from England, they'll need to...
0:11:10 > 0:11:14There's always a guy who tries to speak a bit of the local lingo,
0:11:14 > 0:11:15you know the "dos cervezas" guy?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18The "una mesa para quarto" guy?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20That guy. That's what'll happen,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23the guy that sits in the front seat of the taxi talking.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- IN ENGLISH ACCENT:- "Trev, oh, you speak Scottish.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27"You say... Talk to him.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"Ask him where's good to go tonight for a few drinks."
0:11:30 > 0:11:34"Ah, the bhoys are wantin tae get oot their nut the night.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:44"Where would you recommend for a few swallees, ma man?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Oh, you're probably better just sticking to Sauchiehall Street.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52"But here like, your Scottish is brilliant, pal."
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"Ask him if it's safe?"
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"Sauchiehall Street, is that no a wee bit dodgy?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00"Is it no full awe wee bams?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"We don't want to end up getting our jaws took aff."
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"Well, I wonder what Trev's saying,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"his Scottish is brilliant, I wonder what he's saying.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"I wonder if he's taking the piss out of us?"
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"Sorry aboot these tadgers, mate.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23"Yeah. They've been daein' ma heed in aw day."
0:12:23 > 0:12:26APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:32The driver, dropping them off in Sauchiehall,
0:12:32 > 0:12:36"There you go, pal, that'll be 15 smackaroonies."
0:12:36 > 0:12:39APPLAUSE
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, this is Live At The Referendum, yes!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46CHEERING
0:12:46 > 0:12:51Everybody give it up for the sensational Hal Cruttenden.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Excellent. Thank you very much.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Lovely, lovely to be here at your, at your, at your...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10This referendum gig.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I'm not really very political,
0:13:12 > 0:13:13I should make that clear first of all.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I'm sort of middle class but left wing.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Got very strong middle class guilt complex and I get so upset
0:13:19 > 0:13:22reading about poverty and war in the Guardian that...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:28..had to have a couple of glasses of Chateau Latour 56 to calm down.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34I feel momentum in this referendum is with the Yes campaign, isn't it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37The momentum's with that campaign because it's much easier, isn't it?
0:13:37 > 0:13:42To charge into battle behind someone shouting, "Freedom!"
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Than it is behind someone shouting,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"I just think it's too risky economically!"
0:13:52 > 0:13:55But it's lovely to be in Glasgow. It's a very friendly city, isn't it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58You have a reputation for being hard and tough, you're not.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59You're very friendly,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I think you're friendly, I don't really understand what you're saying.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05That is the English.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08The English are terrible at understanding other people's accents.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11It's one of the reasons why we've treated countries around us
0:14:11 > 0:14:13so badly historically. I think it's true.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Like 100 years ago, the Irish were saying,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"We'd like you to leave now."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19We'd say, "You want us to rule for hundreds of years,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20"of course, no problem."
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You Scots were saying things like,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"You can take our life but you'll never take our freedom!"
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"You want the poll tax a year early? Of course, consider it done."
0:14:28 > 0:14:31We don't really understand.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33APPLAUSE
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Maybe English people are quite stupid, that's what my wife thinks.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I have a Northern Irish wife. I am married to a woman.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I know what you're thinking, shush.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47No, not gay just very, very English.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51My wife is absolutely my best friend, that is the truth.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54She is my best friend in the world, my wife.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Obviously, I'm not her best friend, no, Lisa's her best friend.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I love the Northern Irish accent, it's a frightening accent, isn't it?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05It's like Glasgow but it's got extra. I think it's a little bit heavier.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08It's got that little extra fear thing, I think.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10My children are more scared of my wife than they are of me.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I've actually sat them down and said, "Don't you find me a bit scary?"
0:15:13 > 0:15:17And they say, "No, your face wobbles when you get angry."
0:15:17 > 0:15:20When I was a kid and I was naughty, my mum would say,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"Wait until your father gets home."
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I mainly work in my evenings. When my kids are naughty,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28my wife says to them, "Wait until your father goes out."
0:15:28 > 0:15:32That's the wrong way round, isn't it?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35APPLAUSE
0:15:37 > 0:15:38It's got that fear thing.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41My wife scares me when she's being loving with that accent.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43IN IRISH ACCENT: "Hal, I love you very much!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:44NORMALLY: "Thanks a lot, cheers."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47IN IRISH ACCENT: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:49NORMALLY: "OK, we'll do that."
0:15:51 > 0:15:54IN IRISH ACCENT: "I feel safe when I'm with you!"
0:15:54 > 0:15:56NORMALLY: "That's ironic."
0:16:01 > 0:16:02She grew up in a hard society,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05growing up in Northern Ireland, that is a tough place to grow up,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08very divided obviously between Protestant and Catholic.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Very strong Protestant, Catholic divide,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I don't know if you know anything about that in Glasgow.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I fully understand. I grew up in Ealing, West London.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20We had a very strong Audi/Volvo divide.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22We did.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27The only time we were united was when someone bought a Nissan
0:16:27 > 0:16:29and we all came together to burn them out.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33But she's seen terrible stuff, my wife, growing up,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36because of that conflict. She's slightly messed up in a way.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Before we get into bed, she's got a mirror on wheels,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41puts it under the bed to check for bombs.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I use it too for monsters.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52We're in bed together, I take a bit too much of the duvet,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55she's immediately going, "You obviously have no interest
0:16:55 > 0:16:58"in seeing a lasting peace in this bedroom.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01"Return the duvet or I'll decommission your testes."
0:17:03 > 0:17:06She beat me at Scrabble three years ago,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10she still marches around the house on the anniversary of that day.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13APPLAUSE
0:17:15 > 0:17:18It's so embarrassing like...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20# 'Twas on the twelfth many years ago
0:17:20 > 0:17:23# When I put no surrender across the triple words score. #
0:17:23 > 0:17:26APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Now doing that joke in Glasgow means I've just won a bet.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47But obviously we have divided cities in this country,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50we have divided communities. We are more divided than ever,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53this referendum reflects that, we are more divided in the UK than ever.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I understand... It's not just about economics,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57it's a feeling as well, isn't it?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I understand that when the England team play football,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02most of you support the opposition, is that true?
0:18:02 > 0:18:03- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:18:03 > 0:18:07You know we'd do the same to you, we just never know when you're playing.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10APPLAUSE
0:18:14 > 0:18:16It's because there's an assumption about the English.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Every English team is seen as arrogant by all the other countries
0:18:19 > 0:18:20in the UK.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Always see England as arrogant. I watched rugby with my father-in-law.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Everything the England rugby team does is arrogant in his eyes.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29England rugby player can score a try and go, "Yes!"
0:18:29 > 0:18:31He goes, "Arrogant, very arrogant."
0:18:31 > 0:18:34A Welsh player does exactly the same thing and goes "Yes!"
0:18:34 > 0:18:36He'll go, "Brave, plucky."
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Scottish players... I've never seen a Scots player score a try.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44I'm joking!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47No, do you know what? All England teams lack a bit of passion
0:18:47 > 0:18:50because we don't have our own national anthem to sing.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53We sing the British national anthem before a sporting event,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56it's ridiculous. Scots, you have Flower of Scotland, brilliant song,
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Bannockburn, it means something.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00The Irish in rugby have Ireland's Call, unites north and south,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and the Welsh have a beautiful anthem, # Oh... #
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It's in Welsh, I don't really understand it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09I'm so chippy in English, I'm assuming that the Welsh
0:19:09 > 0:19:12are slagging us off in that anthem, I don't know. It's like...
0:19:12 > 0:19:16# Oh, England, you wankers, we think you're scum
0:19:16 > 0:19:20# Your country is a shit hole, I shagged your mum. #
0:19:20 > 0:19:21That's what I'm assuming.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:28But the English, we don't have anything
0:19:28 > 0:19:33and I think we need something. I think maybe by way of apology,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36maybe something like Always On My Mind by Elvis Presley,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38also covered by the Pet Shop Boys,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40just to take the wind out of your sails a bit.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42So before the game,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45# O, flower of Scotland, when will we see your like again? #
0:19:45 > 0:19:46And we're going...
0:19:46 > 0:19:51# Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. #
0:19:51 > 0:19:54APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Glasgow, you have been an absolute delight.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Thank you very much for having me. I've been Hal Cruttenden.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Take care, thank you!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Hal Cruttenden!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12We've got a comedy hero coming on.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17It's a pleasure to welcome on stage, give it up, please, for Jack Dee.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Thanks.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Nice try, nice try.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Thank you, er...thank you for that welcome.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49And, um...I have to be here because the BBC have to,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51in the interest of impartiality, they have to have...
0:20:53 > 0:20:54LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:56APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Yeah.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03They have to present to you
0:21:03 > 0:21:06all the things that you might be missing.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:15And my name was put forward...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:18..by Alex Salmond.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:25And I am impartial. I genuinely don't mind what happens.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I don't mind what happens. I don't mind if it goes one way
0:21:28 > 0:21:32or the disastrous independent other way. I really...
0:21:32 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:37I'm easy. Easy like a Sunday morning.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Right, so...
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Listen I-I... What I would observe, what I've observed is that
0:21:42 > 0:21:44we are, we're all the same really.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46We have little differences, that's all.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Just little tiny weeny differences.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51And that's all it is. As you travel around, you realise.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54You know, you go to London, St George's Day, big piss-up.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57You go to Cardiff, St David's Day, big piss-up.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01You go to Glasgow, payday, big piss-up.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER You know, it's...
0:22:05 > 0:22:06I just worry if it goes wrong,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08are we going to end up like North Korea and South Korea?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10That's what I worry about.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Where all the English would come up to the border
0:22:12 > 0:22:14and look at you through binoculars
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and you'll all be miserable. You'll have to have...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You'll all be forced to have Alex Salmond haircuts.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Yeah.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Men included.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Because if it's going to be, like, a split, you have to...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Obviously, it's very like a relationship coming to an end.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You have to decide sometimes who gets what, you know.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41And that always ends up in squabbling and rowing
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and it's always an unhappy thing.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46And, er... It is. You know, because
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Oh, haggis. You know, you have Haggis.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52No, really, you have haggis.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Whiskey, yeah, you have whiskey as well, fair enough.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Andy Murray, that's ours, isn't it?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:02See what I mean? We're rowing already about it.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04The best thing I thought, what about bagpipes?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Why don't we make the Welsh have them?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I think the best way to do it is
0:23:14 > 0:23:16you keep what you invented, right?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You keep, er... You get the telephone.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Fair play, you invented the telephone.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Yeah, yeah. Landlines only, not mobiles. They have to come back.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:27No mobiles no more. No, no. Just the old telephone.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Television, that was one of yours, wasn't it?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Black and white. Only black and white, don't get carried away.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35You're not having coloured because that wasn't yours.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37The steam engine, you got that. Steam engine.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39No-one's taking that away from you. Huh!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Penicillin. You've got all the basics covered for life in Scotland.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50You've got communication, entertainment, transport and STDs.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52You know, that's... LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:54..all dealt with in one go. What do we keep?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56We've got the World Wide Web, that was ours.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58So no more Internet for you, I'm afraid.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02So you won't have that any more. Trousers. We invented them, so
0:24:02 > 0:24:05you're going to have to stick with kilts from now on, I'm sorry.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08All right at the wedding, but wait until mid-season comes around.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Not so good then are they, eh?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:16But you know what, I was going to say to you really tonight, Glasgow,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20whenever there are times of discord in a community,
0:24:20 > 0:24:27often those issues are best addressed through the medium of song.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And, um... And that's where I'd like to take this now.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I'm going to, um... I've written a song for you, Glasgow.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Well, it's for all of Scotland. It's a song for all of Scotland.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43It's from England to Scotland, if you like.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46It's my love letter from England to Scotland.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Hamish, my guitar please?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Thank you, Hamish.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Yes, I'm going to miss him.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:07The finest guitar gillie I ever had.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:14So... Yeah, this is a song that I-I wrote for you. And, um...
0:25:14 > 0:25:19It's called, um... Sorry We Got On Your Tits.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Maybe we could bring the lights down, get a bit of a mood for me?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Maybe a little bit of some dry ice maybe with that? No?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:38No? OK, let's not worry about that then.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:59# We've been together for so long now
0:25:59 > 0:26:05# OK, we had the occasional row like Bannockburn
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# But I'm over that now
0:26:08 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:13# Over that now
0:26:13 > 0:26:17# I'm over Bannockburn
0:26:22 > 0:26:26# There's no use in pointing fingers
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# Some may call you Scottish whingers Not me!
0:26:31 > 0:26:35# Because I'd be cross, too if I was naturally ginger
0:26:35 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# Ginger, ginger
0:26:40 > 0:26:44# You're naturally ginger
0:26:44 > 0:26:48# You sunburn easily
0:26:48 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Thanks for the laughs we've had over the years
0:26:56 > 0:27:00# It won't be the same if you disappear
0:27:00 > 0:27:04# And if you stay we'll be chuffed to bits
0:27:04 > 0:27:09# And if you go we're sorry we got on your tits
0:27:09 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:15# Sorry we got on your tits
0:27:15 > 0:27:20# And nothing we can do about it Ooo!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:27# Kilts and bagpipes Irn-Bru and haggis
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# Sometimes we thought you were taking the piss
0:27:30 > 0:27:35# With your cultural icons but now we realise you were serious
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# Serious about leaving us
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Serious about leaving us
0:27:42 > 0:27:46# We're sorry we got on your tits
0:27:46 > 0:27:50# And it's our fault because we're Brits
0:27:50 > 0:27:54# You had North Sea gas and we used all of it
0:27:54 > 0:27:58# You hate our guts and the reason is
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# You want independence
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# Is you think that the English
0:28:04 > 0:28:09# Are all a bunch of...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# Budalabap-do-bub-dodo-bap-eh. #
0:28:13 > 0:28:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Thank you very much indeed. Thank you!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Thank you, Hamish, thank you!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Dee!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41RAPTUROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:41 > 0:28:45We're going to crack on. I've worked with her so many times,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48you're going to love her. Please make some noise for Kerry Godliman!
0:28:48 > 0:28:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Hello! This is nice. How are you?
0:29:00 > 0:29:01AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:29:01 > 0:29:03This referendum is very confusing.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Are you finding the campaigns confusing?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I wouldn't be able to make that decision.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10I can't form opinions when I go shopping.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12LAUGHTER
0:29:12 > 0:29:14I end up feeling like Louise Redknapp on QI. I'm just...
0:29:14 > 0:29:17LAUGHTER ..totally out of my depth.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21So, um...so I couldn't do this, I couldn't decide this.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23But the campaigns are quite confusing.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Like, there's all the phrases and the slogans that are used,
0:29:26 > 0:29:28like Yes people say, "Oh, together we make Scotland better,"
0:29:28 > 0:29:30and the No people go, "No, we're better together."
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Maybe they should've got together and decided it would be better
0:29:33 > 0:29:36to decide who had dibs on the words better and together.
0:29:36 > 0:29:37LAUGHTER
0:29:37 > 0:29:39There's a lot of positivity about it.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43A lot of people are saying it could be amazing. It could be amazing.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45I think you are very positive people.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48I think the Scottish people are generally very optimistic people.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51We know this to be true because you buy garden furniture.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52LAUGHTER
0:29:54 > 0:29:56It's sunny now, you're having a bit of sunshine.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58It's a weird thing. People...
0:29:58 > 0:30:01I read online that Norway is a potential inspiration
0:30:01 > 0:30:03of what an independent Scotland could be like.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Because Norway was in a union with Sweden until 1905
0:30:06 > 0:30:09and then it became independent. And there are some similarities.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13Norway has a small population, it's got oil,
0:30:13 > 0:30:15it's socially harmonious, it's benign.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17There's lots of potential similarities.
0:30:17 > 0:30:22Just one thing I just want to impart to you, it's £12 a pint in Norway.
0:30:22 > 0:30:23LAUGHTER
0:30:23 > 0:30:26I tell you why I wouldn't go for it, if I was going to form an opinion,
0:30:26 > 0:30:28I wouldn't go for it because of the admin.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30There's going to be a lot of admin.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32There's going to be a lot of Post-it notes kicking about.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Going to be redirecting your post for decades.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36A lot of troubled marriages are tolerated
0:30:36 > 0:30:39because people can't be arsed to change service providers.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41LAUGHTER
0:30:41 > 0:30:42And that's my angle on it.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45You won't be able to be in all the gangs, all the institutions,
0:30:45 > 0:30:48like the BBC. Can't be in that then. Won't be in that.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52Can't be in the BBC, can't be in BA, can't be in BHS.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Won't be able to be in the Great British Bake Off.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Won't let you in that.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04BT. Won't have BT, I'd move to Scotland to get away from BT.
0:31:04 > 0:31:05LAUGHTER
0:31:07 > 0:31:09I get very emotional about it.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13Sometimes I get human rights and consumer rights a bit confused.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15LAUGHTER
0:31:15 > 0:31:17I try to leave them. I try to leave them quite a lot.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19I often ring them up and go, "I want to leave!"
0:31:19 > 0:31:21They don't care. They're, like, "Good luck with that Kel."
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Because they know I haven't got the guts to change service providers
0:31:24 > 0:31:26because it's, you know, it's hard work.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30I like it when you ring a slightly needier telecommunication company.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33You know when you ring T-Mobile or one of them and go, "I'm leaving,"
0:31:33 > 0:31:36they're, like, "You're really leaving?" "Yeah, I'm really leaving."
0:31:36 > 0:31:39"Right, we'll put you through to the really leaving department."
0:31:39 > 0:31:42They fast-track you to a bullshit ninja that talks you off a ledge.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47"Don't go, Kel!" "We'll give you an amazing package!"
0:31:47 > 0:31:48"All right, I'll stay."
0:31:48 > 0:31:50LAUGHTER
0:31:50 > 0:31:52I tell you who knows how to treat me, the AA.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55This is the Automobile Association, not the other lot.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56LAUGHTER
0:31:56 > 0:31:59They sent me a letter recently and on the front of it, it said,
0:31:59 > 0:32:03"Inside is a gift for you for being such a loyal customer."
0:32:04 > 0:32:06I was like, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God,"
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Because I am loyal, Glasgow.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11I am loyal. I'm very loyal.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15If loyalty means you can't be arsed to shop about for a better deal,
0:32:15 > 0:32:17my pledge is true.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19I thought, "Oh, my God - a gift! A gift for me!
0:32:19 > 0:32:21"What could it be? What could it be?
0:32:21 > 0:32:23"It could be hair clips.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28"Could be...tickets for a show, book voucher."
0:32:28 > 0:32:29It was a tax disc holder.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Which I thought was really nice of them, actually,
0:32:33 > 0:32:35cos up until then I'd been using my hand.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37It's been perilous.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39And 16-year-olds are going to be able to vote -
0:32:39 > 0:32:41that's amazing, innit? 16-year-olds.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43That's so young, I think that's too young.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45The world has changed so much from when I was 16.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Like, I can't imagine what it's like to be 16 now.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I mean, I know that's true of every generation
0:32:50 > 0:32:53but things have so changed in the last few decades.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Life before mobile phones, it was so different, wasn't it?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58We used to sort of talk in yoghurt pots with a bit of string.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01"YOU COMING OUT?" It's completely transformed.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Like now, you know, mobile phones...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Like, my friend rang me the other day on the landline,
0:33:06 > 0:33:08I was like, "Wow! That's a bit retro, innit?"
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Fancy ringing me on the landline - only mums ring on the landline.
0:33:14 > 0:33:15Like my mum follows me on Twitter -
0:33:15 > 0:33:19that's not an appropriate platform for a parent-child relationship.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21I don't want my mum to follow me on Twitter.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24I talk shit on Twitter, I... It's just a stream of consciousness,
0:33:24 > 0:33:25it's nonsense, it's rubbish.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27I don't want my mum to read my Twitter feed.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29She's a bit judgy. Sometimes she'll ring me up and go,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32"What did you tweet that for? You sound like a dick."
0:33:32 > 0:33:33Don't follow me then, Mum.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36I've blocked her now, I don't want my mum to follow me on Twitter.
0:33:36 > 0:33:37I think there should be a rule on Twitter -
0:33:37 > 0:33:39you shouldn't be allowed to follow someone
0:33:39 > 0:33:42if they used to live in your uterus.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43It's a reasonable rule.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45And Facebook's like...
0:33:45 > 0:33:48It's so voyeuristic, that's what I find so fascinating about it.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Like, if you split up with someone now,
0:33:50 > 0:33:52you can spy on them on the internet, can't you?
0:33:52 > 0:33:54You can properly spy on them,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57you can see who they're going out with, what they're doing
0:33:57 > 0:33:59and sort of, you know, eat a whole packet of biscuits,
0:33:59 > 0:34:02crying alone in your own home.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05But, before, we had to stalk them.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08We had to hide behind cars, going, "Who the fuck is he in with now?
0:34:08 > 0:34:09"Shit it!"
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Totally different thing. That's what it'll be like if we split up.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16If England and Scotland split up, it'll be awful, it'll be really sad.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Sometimes maybe Scotland will have a little look
0:34:18 > 0:34:21at England's Facebook page, England will put pictures of them there
0:34:21 > 0:34:25with their mates, Wales and Northern Ireland, in a little headlock.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28"We're having a really good time down here, we're much better together.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32"We're at a barbecue, we've got garden furniture, it's brilliant."
0:34:33 > 0:34:36You've been absolutely delightful, thank you for having me. Take care.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Thank you!
0:34:38 > 0:34:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Kerry Godliman!
0:34:44 > 0:34:46CHEERING
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Brilliant stuff!
0:34:48 > 0:34:52Live At The Referendum, there's only one man to finish off the show.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54He's a friend of mine, you know him well, you're going to love him.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Frankie Boyle!
0:34:58 > 0:35:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Hello!
0:35:11 > 0:35:12AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Only the BBC could do a show about
0:35:14 > 0:35:17the breakup of, er, the Union in Glasgow
0:35:17 > 0:35:19and give it an orange background.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23HE LAUGHS
0:35:23 > 0:35:27I think that Scotland should be an independent country because...
0:35:27 > 0:35:30CHEERING
0:35:30 > 0:35:32..we are a unique nation,
0:35:32 > 0:35:36the only people who give travel reviews
0:35:36 > 0:35:39entirely in alcohol prices.
0:35:41 > 0:35:42"How was Prague?"
0:35:42 > 0:35:46"How was it? £1.30 for a litre of Vodka."
0:35:46 > 0:35:48APPLAUSE
0:35:49 > 0:35:51"And 40p a pint."
0:35:51 > 0:35:55"Does it have good museums?" "Quite possibly, yes."
0:35:56 > 0:36:00There's a lot of economic uncertainty about independence.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02The Scottish people are worried about
0:36:02 > 0:36:05whether or not we get to retain Poundland.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Er...I think we could do well in the world.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11I think there's industries that we could do well in.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Like euthanasia, for example.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Switzerland has that at the minute.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Now, Switzerland's beautiful and it's friendly.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Nobody wants to leave that behind.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Glasgow could dominate that industry.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27And not just Glasgow, you'd land in Glasgow
0:36:27 > 0:36:31and you'd have to get a bus out to an industrial estate in Bellshill.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33By the time people got there,
0:36:33 > 0:36:36they'd be begging for you to kill them with a hammer in the foyer.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38APPLAUSE
0:36:41 > 0:36:45They wouldn't even want the silk pillow and the poisoned chocolate.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47"Just put a sledgehammer in my temple
0:36:47 > 0:36:50"and kill me like a pig in an abattoir!"
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Glasgow would be so good at euthanasia,
0:36:52 > 0:36:54there'd be waiting lists so long,
0:36:54 > 0:36:56people would be dying from natural causes.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05We'll have an Oil Development Fund
0:37:05 > 0:37:08that we can blow like a mental pools winner.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10There'll be a button in Balloch town centre
0:37:10 > 0:37:12that turns Loch Lomond into a Jacuzzi.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18Coatbridge will have an actual, functioning Time Capsule.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23And we'll be so rich and self-confident as a nation,
0:37:23 > 0:37:28we'll tell jokes like that, that English people can't even understand!
0:37:28 > 0:37:29"What's a 'time capsule'?"
0:37:29 > 0:37:31"I have no idea - what's a 'coat bridge'?"
0:37:35 > 0:37:39Now to explain unionism to you - unionism, to be fair,
0:37:39 > 0:37:44is simply the belief that two small, pretty similar countries
0:37:44 > 0:37:47might be better off together...
0:37:47 > 0:37:50unless those countries are both part of Ireland.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56We have become more Anglicised as a nation.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58People say things like "jog on" now.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Anyone who says "jog on" can fuck off!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Now, some people say they don't want independence
0:38:05 > 0:38:08because they don't want Alex Salmond in power.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11How long does he look like he's going to live?
0:38:11 > 0:38:14He has the life expectancy of full-fat milk.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18He'll be lucky to make the vote!
0:38:18 > 0:38:21My hamster has picked out a suit for his funeral.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29Says he gets death threats, Salmond - they'd better hurry up.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32He gets a death threat every morning from his bathroom scales.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37I think the best thing about being openly pro-independence
0:38:37 > 0:38:40is I get maybe half a dozen tweets a day,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42telling me that I don't understand economics,
0:38:42 > 0:38:43from Rangers fans.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48CHEERING
0:38:52 > 0:38:56The last one was a wee guy with the club crest as his logo, going,
0:38:56 > 0:38:58"You're 110% wrong about this."
0:39:00 > 0:39:01HE LAUGHS
0:39:04 > 0:39:05I'll tell you a true story, right?
0:39:05 > 0:39:09A couple of weeks ago, I went for lunch in the Merchant City
0:39:09 > 0:39:11and we're sitting outside, having lunch
0:39:11 > 0:39:13and there's a bam drinking across from me.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Now a bam, if you're not Scottish,
0:39:15 > 0:39:18is a gentleman of a lively disposition.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22And some American tourists come by
0:39:22 > 0:39:25and, for some reason, they go up and speak to this guy.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28And the American tourist says, "Excuse me, sir,
0:39:28 > 0:39:31"is there somewhere around here that we could buy fruit?"
0:39:31 > 0:39:33And the bam went, "No."
0:39:35 > 0:39:38And the American said, "But isn't this the Old Fruitmarket?"
0:39:38 > 0:39:41And it was, it was the Old Fruitmarket in the Merchant City.
0:39:41 > 0:39:46And the bam, to be fair to him, had perfect comic timing.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49He let it hang for a couple of beats and then he went,
0:39:49 > 0:39:52"There's a reason they don't call it the New Fruitmarket."
0:39:54 > 0:39:56HE LAUGHS
0:39:58 > 0:40:01And I think that that would be a good thing about independence -
0:40:01 > 0:40:05Scotland would no longer have to invade places like Afghanistan
0:40:05 > 0:40:07for American interests.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09We'd invade them for heroin.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Cos I don't support America's wars.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13I don't even think they ARE wars.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16There's... They're one-way traffic, mass murder.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20There's never been a time when a shepherd has beaten a helicopter.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22You never switch on the news to see,
0:40:22 > 0:40:24"A shock result in Afghanistan today
0:40:24 > 0:40:28"when a missile was destroyed by a wedding."
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Cos not only will America go to your country and kill all your people
0:40:31 > 0:40:36but what's worse, I think, is they'll come back 20 years later
0:40:36 > 0:40:39and make a movie about how killing your people
0:40:39 > 0:40:41made their soldiers feel sad.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!
0:40:43 > 0:40:47Americans making a movie about what Vietnam did to their soldiers
0:40:47 > 0:40:49is like a serial killer telling you
0:40:49 > 0:40:53what stopping suddenly for hitchhikers did to his clutch.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04Nigel Farage came to Edinburgh, got chased by an angry mob
0:41:04 > 0:41:06and hid in a pub.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10Hid from Scottish people in a pub!
0:41:11 > 0:41:14That's like hiding from a lion by dressing up as a zebra.
0:41:15 > 0:41:20We've got the EDL attacking mosques in revenge for terrorism -
0:41:20 > 0:41:23that's like attacking JJB Sports in revenge for Jimmy Savile.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29David Cameron is an opportunist.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32He jumped on the bandwagon about those Nigerian schoolgirls,
0:41:32 > 0:41:34"Oh, let's find those missing schoolgirls."
0:41:34 > 0:41:36If you want to find those missing schoolgirls,
0:41:36 > 0:41:39let's get Britain's celebrity paedophiles out there -
0:41:39 > 0:41:41they'll find them.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Let's get a Dirty Dozen-style mission on the go!
0:41:49 > 0:41:53Only a dozen, so quite a lot of competition for places.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Let's work Rolf Harris like a fucking sniffer dog!
0:41:57 > 0:41:59HE HUFFS LIKE ROLF HARRIS
0:41:59 > 0:42:01"What's that, Rolf? Have you got something?"
0:42:01 > 0:42:03HE CONTINUES HUFFING
0:42:07 > 0:42:10You know, my last word about the independence campaign, actually,
0:42:10 > 0:42:16is I think it's been a very middle-class campaign on both sides
0:42:16 > 0:42:20and I think that's cos both sides are worried about drawing normal people
0:42:20 > 0:42:24into the political process and that's a sad thing.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27And it comes from the fact that middle-class Scottish people
0:42:27 > 0:42:31and working-class Scottish people are completely different things.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35Middle-class Scottish people are civil but not friendly.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37"Oh! You're looking for the Post Office?
0:42:37 > 0:42:39"Down at the end of the road, on your left."
0:42:39 > 0:42:44Working-class Scottish people, however, are friendly but not civil.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47"Post office? C'mon and I'll show you, ya dick! C'mon!"
0:42:48 > 0:42:51It's been a pleasure talking to youse, Glasgow.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53Take care of yourselves. All the best!
0:42:53 > 0:42:55CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Frankie Boyle!
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Referendum.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09Make some noise for everybody you've seen.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13First of all, we had Hal Cruttenden, then we had Jack Dee,
0:43:13 > 0:43:15then we had Kerry Godliman
0:43:15 > 0:43:18and, of course, Frankie Boyle.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22I'm Kevin Bridges. Good night! Thank you!
0:43:22 > 0:43:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE