0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Court martialled for cowardice and desertion.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Don't freak me oot.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Freaked out enough as it is already.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Firing squad. Is that what you want?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17What did I just say?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19I tell you, man.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20See before this independence it was a lot more fun
0:00:20 > 0:00:22being in the tartan army.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34So, that's basically why Scotland, which is...where?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36The hilly bit at the top?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Kind of. Is having a referendum.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Any questions?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Lauren.- If Scotland leave us, will they actually have to move it?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Move what? Scotland.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Like, with tugboats and stuff.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50No. No, it's an ideological separation.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Christian.- Why are all Scottish people ginger?- They're not.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Ed Sheeran is.
0:00:56 > 0:00:56He's not Scottish.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59He sounds Scottish.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- May-Sue.- You know shortbread? Can you get longbread?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Definitely not.- Medium-sized bread?
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Phillipa?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Are Scottish A levels called highers because of the mountains or
0:01:08 > 0:01:10because Scottish people are full of drugs?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Neither. Damian Lewis is a ginge. - He's not Scottish.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Well, they look Scottish.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Phillipa? Why is Scotland full of midgets?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- What?- Me dad went to Inverness once and he got bitten by midgets.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Midgies. He means midgies.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24There was seven of them in the panto.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- If someone from Scotland was to go to England, would they die?- No.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Even if it were really sunny? Maybe.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Lauren.- The bagpipes cause cancer? - That's ridiculous.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- So are bagpipes, to be fair. - Right, that's it. Come on. Stop it.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Stop it now.
0:01:39 > 0:01:46This is an important subject. Sorry sir. Now, any serious questions?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Phillipa.- Sir, what's Wales?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52A recent statistic has revealed that 83% of the population feel
0:01:52 > 0:01:55they have a strong national identity.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57The other 17% feel Scot...ish.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01It's a well known fact that Scotland's a left-leaning country.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03That's why we have a nationalist government.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Hello, sorry to bother you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I'm campaigning on behalf of the English,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13who'd like a vote in the referendum.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- What?- All I've ever wanted since the day I was born is to be Scottish.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I have all your comedians on DVD.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Billy Connolly, and...that other one,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27and I really get off on your acceptable TV accent.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30But instead of being Scottish I'm stuck with a trust fund
0:02:30 > 0:02:31and two holiday homes in the country.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Those men.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39That sexy, brooding anger and those bleak indie films that draw me
0:02:39 > 0:02:42in like all of us is drawn to River City.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45My favourite Bond is definitely Sean Connery.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Or that Welsh one.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51We've been so good together, and if I'm honest, I want a vote.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54And I'd vote No. I'd vote to stay together forever.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58All sort of bitter and twisted, till we both die or one of us
0:02:58 > 0:02:59just kills the other.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Both our flags are dull apart, but united,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05we're a well-recognised mess.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07So, what do you say, pal?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10I'd say piss aff.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15So Scottish.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Why do we want to be independent when it's all going so well? Like this.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Or this. Brilliant.
0:03:21 > 0:03:27Why do we want to be independent when it's all going so well? Like this.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Or this. Brilliant.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Why do we want to be independent when it's all going so well? Like this.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Or this. Brilliant.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43The Scotland Office?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44This is Louise speaking.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47No, we're not the Royal Bank of Scotland.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I can't, no. I can't redirect you.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Well, it's just not something we do
0:03:53 > 0:03:55because we're not the Royal Bank of Scotland.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58The Scotland Office, yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01We represent Scottish interests within the UK government
0:04:01 > 0:04:03and we represent the UK government in Scotland.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05We're very important.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Hello?
0:04:19 > 0:04:20All right, mate?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Dave, my man. I'm stuck in work. Have they announced the result?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24They just announced who won the referendum.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Aye? Aye.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28What you mean "aye"? Do you mean "aye" aye?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Aye. Aye.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30You mean it was aye?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Aye? Pfff. Naw.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Naw. Naw?
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Aye.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Naw?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Naw.
0:04:36 > 0:04:36Aye.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Aye.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Aye it was aye or naw it was naw?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Eh, you know the rules, McPherson.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Did you get permission to make that private phone call?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Eh...aye.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Aye?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Naw.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Naw?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Aye, naw.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- You going to tell me what that says, aye?- Naw.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05I don't know if I like being independent.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I feel like I have dignity and people actually listen to me.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12We best go back.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Excuse me, have you shown me your polling card?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Och aye.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29That ah have.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31No, that you haven't.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33What's your name?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Eh...it's...Jack.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Jackie McVoting.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Jock Booth would've been better. - Oh, aye.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Actually, that's me.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43What's your real name?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Rose. You're English, aren't you, Rose?
0:05:48 > 0:05:49I am, yeah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53You've got a haggis stuck to the front of your kilt.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I thought it was one of those...you know?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Sporrans?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- No, that's food.- Stop.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05You're pulling my leg.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Can I ask why you're trying to vote in our referendum, Rose?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's just...
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I feel really guilty about foisting that lot on you.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It's basically my fault.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I forgot to vote at the last election, and suddenly they're in.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24And you lot did your job properly and still you ended up with them.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26So I thought it was only fair that I pop up here
0:06:26 > 0:06:28and help you get away from that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Don't you think the Scottish people should be allowed to make up
0:06:30 > 0:06:31their own minds?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Oh, come on.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36We'd never let you do anything for yourselves.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37We're English.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Scotland Office.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45The Scotland Office,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49we're the UK government's office for Scotland in the UK.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53No, not Scotland Yard, no.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I remember the morning after Scotland became independent.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I popped down to my local corner shop in Croydon
0:07:03 > 0:07:05because I was desperate for some shortbread,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and the have this nice Scottish shortbread in there.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I went to the biscuit section and all the shortbread was gone.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14All of it, just gone.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I thought, "This is it. This is what David Cameron warned us about.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"This is it for shortbread in England."
0:07:20 > 0:07:24I shall never again taste its buttery crumb upon my tongue.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27And I went up to the lady behind the counter and I said,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Have Scotland been in already?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Have they taken away my shortbread?"
0:07:32 > 0:07:36And she looked at me and said, "No, we're just out of stock.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37"We get some in tomorrow."
0:07:39 > 0:07:40So that was fine.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass
0:07:45 > 0:07:47the Scots in their contribution to mankind.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass the Scots
0:07:51 > 0:07:54in their contribution to mankind.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass the Scots
0:07:58 > 0:08:00in their contribution to mankind.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Dad, are you going to vote in the referendum?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Yes, I am, son.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10And do you know why?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Why, Dad?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Because I hate England.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Right.- I mean, for some people, this referendum is about
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Scotland finding a voice
0:08:18 > 0:08:21or standing up as an independent country.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23But for me...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26It's about how much I hate England.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Have you always hated England, Dad?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Son, you come from a family
0:08:29 > 0:08:32with a long and proud tradition of hating England.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I mean, have you got any idea how long we have hated England?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37No. No idea.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40728 and a half years.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Do I have to hate England too then, Dad?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46You'll hate England, like your father, your grandfather,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49your great-grandfather, his father before him.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53In fact, every generation of Robertson since we...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55crawled out of Yorkshire in 1796.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57We were once English, then, Dad?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Aye.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01So does this mean we won't be able to visit, like,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Gran and Grandad in Liverpool any more?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Well, Liverpool's part of Scotland, son.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's a satellite state.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09We run it from afar, kind of thing.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Well, can I still listen to, like, the Arctic Monkeys?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Aye, aye. Cos Sheffield's half-Scottish.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17And if it's rock'n'roll you're after, well,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19the greatest rock'n'roll band in the world are Scottish.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21The Rolling Stones?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Rolling Stones(!) What ye talkin' about? I'm talking Del Amitri.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25The Rolling St...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28The Rolling Stones are a Del Amitri tribute band
0:09:28 > 0:09:29fronted by an old woman.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Are you sure about that, Dad? Cos I'm pretty sure that Del A...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Hey! Everything good is Scottish, right?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Charles Dickens, Scottish.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Was he?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Well, why else did he hate London so much, eh?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I mean, Oliver was getting on fine till he moved there, wasn't he?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Then you've got the Brontes. Yon Heathcliff, he's a Scotsman.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51He didnae let a wee thing like death stop him
0:09:51 > 0:09:53fae getting with Cathy, did he? No.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54And what about Jane Eyre?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Out on they moors till aw times of night.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58You wouldnae catch an English lassie doing that.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00But Dad, Jane Eyre is...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Hey! We have a proud tradition in this family
0:10:03 > 0:10:05of hating England, the English,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08and everything that they stand for.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09So we voting Yes, then?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11No, son, I'll be voting No.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I mean, who would I have left to hate?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18PHONE RINGS
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Scotland Office?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Not Scottish Widows, no.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I don't see what all the fuss is about this independence.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27I mean, I got independent,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30and now I basically eat spaghetti out of a tin.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I hear they're putting a third option
0:10:32 > 0:10:34on the referendum ballot paper.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"Yes", "No", and "Dinnae Gie A Monkey's".
0:10:36 > 0:10:39"Yes", "No", "Dinnae Gie A Monkey's".
0:10:39 > 0:10:40SHE CHUCKLES
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Every meat will be square.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Square sausage, square... black pudding, square chicken...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Make the blue in the Union Jack a little more blue.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52A third Old Firm team.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Just think. Twice as many matches.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56The Queen will call everyone "pal".
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Bitcoin.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59We'll bring some sun up from Brighton.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01No idea, to be honest, but it sounds exciting.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Introduce haggis into the school lunch menus.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06A giant statue of William Wallace.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07With his arse out.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10David Cameron will personally visit you in a kilt.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14David Cameron will never, ever, ever wear a kilt.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Everyone gets their share of the oil for...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18petrol, or cooking, or...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20massage, whatever you're into.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The ginger-haired will be classified as borderline extinct.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Personally, I think massage should be a top priority.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Oh, go on.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28It'll be really funny!
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Eh?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33No, I think you're thinking of Visit Scotland, eh.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Quite like that wee SNP fella.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Didnae used to like him, but he's grown on me.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Aye, Mad Salmon's on the up.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Upriver?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46THEY LAUGH
0:11:46 > 0:11:47BOTH: Fish joke.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51As requested, Robert and I set out to develop
0:11:51 > 0:11:54some totally new and cutting-edge content to help establish
0:11:54 > 0:11:57the Independent Scottish Broadcasting Company
0:11:57 > 0:11:59as one of the leading networks in the world.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02That's right. We spent many hours brainstorming,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04and we have come up with what we think
0:12:04 > 0:12:06are some truly ground-breaking ideas.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08But don't take our word for it. Robert...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Robert...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Eh, how about "The Great...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Scottish Bake Off"?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Right.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Well, that's just the beginning of what we've got planned for ISBC.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You'll be able to catch up with your favourite characters every day
0:12:26 > 0:12:28in our brand-new prime-time soap,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"Leith-stenders."
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Look, we know that drugs are a big problem in our country,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and for those addicted, the stakes are very high.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41But not as high as those on our addict-based game shows
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"Deal Or Nae Deal"
0:12:43 > 0:12:44and "Whose Line Is That Anyway?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:46No, I don't think so.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Drama - Jane Austen, period costume, but set in Glasgow.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51"Pride And Extreme Prejudice".
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Or, or...Dickens updated for our time.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56"Nae Expectations".
0:12:56 > 0:12:59A heart-warming family background programme.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Scottish celebrities trace their ancestors in
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Just Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are?"
0:13:03 > 0:13:04No.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05"Dragons' Glen"?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07What's that?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09It's Dragons' Den...in a glen.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Scotland's answer to Gok Wan -
0:13:13 > 0:13:14"Donald, Where's Your Troosers?"
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- No! - "Strictly Come Jigging"?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- No. - "Embarrassing Bothies"?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- No. - "Embarrassing Arbroathies"?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Well, that's stupid. It doesn't even make sense!
0:13:23 > 0:13:24"Embarrassing Jobbies"?
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Look.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27We're leaving.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Wait, no, no, no. OK, seriously.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32We'll remake Taggart.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36All right. Talk us through it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38If it were a No vote, I'd be fine.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's the thousands eating out of food banks that would starve.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43If it were a no vote, I'd be fine.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It's the thousands eating out of foodbanks that would starve.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48If it were a no vote, I'd be fine.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50It's the thousands eating out of foodbanks that would starve.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54DANCE MUSIC
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Hiya! I'm Lisa.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Hi.- Are you excited about the referendum?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Eh...
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Oh...see, if I'm honest, I'm getting a bit bored of it all.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I just think there's other things to talk about.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a wee conversation
0:14:24 > 0:14:26about T In The Park or the Commonwealth Games?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Great Glasgow Commonwealth Games.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Proper Scottish games.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32If we vote Yes, we could send
0:14:32 > 0:14:35a purely Scottish team to the Olympics.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Just think about it, Olympic gold for Team Scotland!
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Yeah(!)
0:14:42 > 0:14:44So, you going anywhere nice on holiday?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I am, yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48There's only one fly in the ointment, though.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51My passport'd be much better if it just said "Scotland".
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Not..."United Kingdom".
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- SHE FAKES A LAUGH Yeah.- Yeah, I suppose.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Do you do this with every conversation?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Do what?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Twist it round to talk about the referendum.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07It's like if I said...
0:15:07 > 0:15:08"Jelly babies..."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Yeah, jelly babies!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Scotland's confectionery exports
0:15:12 > 0:15:15make up part of a strong and diverse economy.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Lava lamps.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Moving away from fossil fuels would leave us
0:15:20 > 0:15:22less open to unstable volcanic activity.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24The DFS sale.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27The current voting system means that...
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Scotland's interests are nae being represented in the UK Parliament.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32How's that relevant to that?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It's about the distribution of seats!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Look, I care about independence,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41but I just want to have a conversation about a book,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44or a film, or even about the weather!
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Fine.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Yes, we do deal with Scottish issues.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Thickness?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Man-size...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I think you're thinking of Scottie tissues.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Dave, erm, what's going on down there?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Well, at border control,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07one of the methods we have for detecting contraband is
0:16:07 > 0:16:10for us to check a passenger's travel movements for high-risk countries.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Since Scotland became independent,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15we've had lots of problems from up north.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Sir, I need to ask
0:16:16 > 0:16:19if you're concealing anything under your clothes.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20What?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22And obviously, with the limited English,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24we've had to bring in a translator.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Do you mind?
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Sure.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- Awright, pal? Is there anythin' up yer jook?- Naw.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- No.- Sir, I'd like to conduct a frisk search.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Right, gies a swatch.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37How?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Why?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42We have the right to search any passenger coming through security.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Cos how, that's how.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Right, we've got something.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03What is it?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It's lorne. I knew it!
0:17:15 > 0:17:16HE SNIFFS DEEPLY
0:17:16 > 0:17:18There it is. It's not pretty.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21What do you do with it now, Dave?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Well, now we can run tests.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27To do this, I'll need a disposable barbecue and two tins of Tennent's.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Oh, no, you can't!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, yes, we can!
0:17:30 > 0:17:31The independence referendum.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33The pantomime everyone's been talking about.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Oh, no, you can't!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Oh, yes, we can!
0:17:36 > 0:17:37The independence referendum.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39The pantomime everyone's been talking about.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Oh, no, you can't!
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Oh, yes, we can!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44The independence referendum.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46The pantomime everyone's been talking about.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49That wee wifie that's number two tae Salmon.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You mean wee Nicola, aye?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Aye.- Aye, she's a bright wee cookie, right enough.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Wouldnae surprise me if she got headhunted.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Headhunted?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00You mean...?
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Aye.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02You mean...
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Aye.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Someone's gonnae poach Sturgeon?
0:18:05 > 0:18:06THEY LAUGH
0:18:06 > 0:18:08BOTH: Fish joke.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10ROCK MUSIC
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Have you started yet?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17The guy hasnae told us to turn over the paper yet.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- It's awready turned over, ya tube.- Huh?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21What you putting?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Dunno, man.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It's a pure nightmare.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Last time I was in here, I failed foundie maths.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27- What you putting?- I dunno, man.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I mean, I like haggis and Irn-Bru, but I support Man United.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I cannae make my mind up. Have you ever voted before?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Aye, X Factor.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38That's a proper voting system, texts and shit.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42What you daein'?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Are you using your foundie maths to work out how much oil we've got?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Aye! There's got to be an app for it.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48There's an app for everything.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Aye? Have a look for an E=MC Bawbag app.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Got my lucky thong on the day.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Wear it in all my exams.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59But man, this is torture.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01SHE SIGHS
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Shoulda got my ma to write me a note to get me aff this.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Did it for PE the day.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06- That's how I limped in.- Oh, aye?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I thought you shat your lucky thong!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09THEY SNIGGER
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12What you writing noo?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Daeing my working. You've got to, you get extra marks.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17But what you putting in the box? Are you ticking or crossing it?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Just writing it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25What'd you vote for, then?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I voted aye.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I voted for One Direction.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Whit?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Oh, I want to dae that now!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I can assure you, we're not the Scottish Owl Centre.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Seriously, I can assure you.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46How can I convince you? Um...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Right. Give it to me straight, John.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51It's a little difficult, sir.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Since Scotland left us, groups have risen up all over the place,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57claiming they also want freedom.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Freedom? This isn't prison!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Yes, WE know that, sir.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Are you all right, Sue?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Sorry, sir. It's just...
0:20:06 > 0:20:09this is a letter from the Manchester Independence Group.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10What?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14What does it say?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19"We gave you Oasis and United, now give us our freedom."
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Don't be taken in by this, sir.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24With all due respect, this is just a little rebellion.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I'm confident it'll die a quick death.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Well, it won't be the only thing dying a quick death
0:20:29 > 0:20:30unless we get this sorted.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'm going to be remembered as the man who put
0:20:32 > 0:20:34the final nail in the coffin of the mighty British Empire.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It won't come to that, sir.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40How many of these independence groups are there?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Just one...
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Oh. OK.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45..for each of the major cities -
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Birmingham, Liverpool, Leeds, Chipping Norton.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Well, perhaps we should just let them go.- What?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Well, if they want to leave so much, we'll let them. I've had an idea.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- What is it?- It's brilliant.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I have just declared this office as
0:21:02 > 0:21:04the independent state of Cameronia.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07All hail to your new king.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I think I'll leave you alone for a bit, David.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Not without a passport, you won't.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# God save our gracious me
0:21:17 > 0:21:21# Long live our noble me
0:21:21 > 0:21:26# God save the me. #
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Well, with UKIP having massive support in England is there
0:21:43 > 0:21:45any point in having a referendum?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Can we not just press eject?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48I thought the indie campaign was
0:21:48 > 0:21:51to get rid of the pure shite bands we've produced.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54What is it, then?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08We're the Scotland Office.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Scottish Skip Hire is something completely different.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Oh, easy!
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Oh, easy!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Oh, easy!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Hello, Billy?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Aye, I'm outside now. Are you on your way?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Yeah, yeah, I see you now.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Hey, we've both come dressed the same.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Why have you come dressed as William Wallace?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42That's who you've came as.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44We'll look like a right pair of numpties now.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Come on. It's just a fun night out.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Freedom!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Hey, hey, hey.- What?- Stop that.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- What?- You going in there before me. - What does it matter?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Because if I go in after you, people will just think that I copied you.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Let's just go in together, then.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00God, this is so sad, isn't it?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03We both got dressed up to celebrate our independence,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05our freedom to finally think for ourselves and we end up both
0:23:05 > 0:23:09dressing as this completely ridiculous national parody
0:23:09 > 0:23:11thus perpetuating the completely erroneous image
0:23:11 > 0:23:14of Scotsmen as a race of violent, aggressive nutters.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17All right, mate. Chill out.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tickets.- Hey, you've came in fancy dress as well.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25No, I havnae.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31All right, mate?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Freedom!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40CHEERING
0:23:42 > 0:23:43PHONE RINGS
0:23:43 > 0:23:45We're not the Scottish Gas Emergency Hotline
0:23:45 > 0:23:47or Scottish Zumba For Beginners
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and we're certainly not the Scottish Donkey Sanctuary.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51We've got bugger all to do with
0:23:51 > 0:23:53the great Scottish Post Offices of the 20th century,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Scottish Alcoholics And Proud Of It,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57or Scottish Mini-Cabs Pre-hire Only -
0:23:57 > 0:24:00we're the Scotland Office, do you get it? The Scotland Office.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And we are very important.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Hello?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Secretary of State.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08SHE MOUTHS
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Hello, David?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Erm...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Not really sure how to say this.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Things aren't really working out.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Well, this whole independence thing,
0:24:26 > 0:24:27it's bloody hard work.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I know you know that, David.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34You did tell me, yes, yes.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39But I was just wondering if maybe, just maybe,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41you would find it in your heart to
0:24:41 > 0:24:43let us back in.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46You know, make Scotland part of the gang again.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49What do you mean, "no"?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Well, for starters, I was down visiting our Olympic training camp
0:24:54 > 0:24:59recently and, to put it tastefully, David, they're crap.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03I mean, three of them passed out just walking up the stairs.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05And then there's the oil.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I mean, we didn't even really think
0:25:07 > 0:25:11about how we'd get it out the ground.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Fracking? Oh, come on, David, I thought we were over that.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Finally, the orange bin juice.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22It's just not the big export we thought it was going to be.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Please don't laugh, David.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Ha-ha, very funny(!)
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'm on my hands and knees here.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36No, not actually.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, right.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Now I am.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Yes, I am.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I'll tweet you a selfie.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Look, all I'm asking is that you would consider, you know,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59coming up here, even just for a week or so, just to...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01to show us how to run things.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03You will?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08No, that's fantastic, yes.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10The next train?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Right, well, I'll see you in a few hours, then.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Marvellous. OK.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Thank you, David. Right, bye-bye, then. Bye-bye.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20THEY LAUGH
0:26:20 > 0:26:24I told you he'd fall for it. Didn't I tell you? Oh!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Oh, that was marvellous.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Right, now, back to work.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33John Swinney.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Johann Lamont.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Alistair Darling.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Gordon Brown.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- BOTH:- Gordon Brown trout. Fish jokes.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It IS pretty serious, but.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02How does this affect someone like you?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04At the moment, my life is spent
0:27:04 > 0:27:07being dismissive of the West Coast from a distance.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10But if we hold our future in our own hands then we're going to have
0:27:10 > 0:27:13to talk to them and get to know them as actual people
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and I don't like that at all.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17It makes my Earl Grey run cold.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22So I'll be voting no, for the sake of my husband's media company.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I pretty much make a living making bleak Scottish films.
0:27:29 > 0:27:35You know, Ken Loach, Peter Mullen.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37See that way, see if we get independence, right?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I'll have nothing to smash up
0:27:39 > 0:27:43so...so what am I going to blame my troubles on?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Poverty?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49The class system? Crisps?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51It just gets pure confusing.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I once punched a pigeon square in the face.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57You know how, like, you would punch a guy.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01# And nothing ever happens
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# Nothing happens at all
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# The needle returns to the start of the song
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# And we all sing along like before
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# And nothing ever happens
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# Nothing happens at all
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# They'll burn down the synagogues at six o'clock
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# And we'll all go along like before
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# And we'll all be lonely tonight
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# And lonely tomorrow. #