0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Oh, the weather outside is frightful
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# But the fire is so delightful
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# And since we've no place to go
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Man, it doesn't show signs of stopping
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# And I've brought me some corn for popping
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# The lights are turned way down low
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Let it snow, let it snow... #
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I love you.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I love you too, ha-ha!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Perfect.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Been the best six months of my life.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Hello. Merry Christmas, Roger. - Hey, merry Christmas, Roger.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Merry Christmas, darlings. Thanks for the wine.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00I think it was the most glorious Rioja I've ever supped!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Oh, I'm glad you liked it, mate. - Dear boy, I more than liked it!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05It was super duper wiggly woo!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08That's how wine should be described.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Legend.- Have a majestic Christmas, chaps.- And you, mate.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- OK, you too, bye.- Bye.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15God, he's amazing.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- He's more than amazing. He's groovy woovy dibbly doo.- Ssh!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- I can't wait to meet your family. - Yeah...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- Oh, don't start.- I'm not starting. I'm just saying,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29you need to prepare yourself. They're lunatics, Lise.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- Everyone thinks their family's mad, OK? How bad can it be?- How bad?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Last year, Mum interrupted the meal by saying, and I quote,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38"I don't see the point of flavoured condoms.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"It's not like my fanny can taste."
0:01:40 > 0:01:42That's what she did.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43She sounds funny.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46She is. But not when I'm eating turkey.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I just feel bad. You could be in Barbados with your parents,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- but instead you're going to be in Bamford.- Yeah, with you!
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Look, it's our first Christmas together. It's going to be amazing.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Now stop moaning. Pig me!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- She's got a point about that condom thing.- Aw, come on!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Yeah!- Tune!- Oh, I love this!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- # Watch us wreck the mic - # Watch us wreck the mic
0:02:23 > 0:02:25# Watch us wreck the mic...psyche!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready
0:02:27 > 0:02:29# Let's get ready to rumble
0:02:29 > 0:02:32# Sit back, cracker jack Don't take no flak
0:02:32 > 0:02:34# Rhyme in time to the rhythm of the track
0:02:34 > 0:02:36# I'm Ant, I'm Declan a duo, a twosome
0:02:36 > 0:02:39# So many lyrics We're frightened to use 'em
0:02:39 > 0:02:41# So many lyrics We keep 'em in stores
0:02:41 > 0:02:43# We even got 'em comin' out of our pores
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- # Your father...- Your mother... - Your sister...- Your brother...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47# Everyone's got to be an AKA lover
0:02:47 > 0:02:50# Give us motivation We can cause a sensation
0:02:50 > 0:02:52# Give us the aspiration We can cause a sensation
0:02:52 > 0:02:54# Give us girls top speed... #
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Well, here we are.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01This is the bustling metropolis where I grew up.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05See if you can spot which one is my house.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Could it be, which one?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Oh, my God!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Look at it! It looks like it's been vajazzled.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15SHE GIGGLES
0:03:20 > 0:03:25JINGLE BELLS BY CHIPMUNKS PLAYS
0:03:25 > 0:03:27HE SIGHS This is it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Are you sure you want to do this?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Open the door. - OK. Now, before I do...
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Oh, God, yes?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- What's your opinion on family photos?- I love them.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Great! SHE LAUGHS
0:03:48 > 0:03:50That's my mum and dad.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Yeah. Doesn't that just scream Christmas?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Dan! Merry bloody Christmas!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, welcome, welcome home.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05You must be Lisa. I'm Dave, Dan's dad.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Here you go, here, look, have a go on that.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09No, go on.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Don't get that in London, do you?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- What are you wearing? - It's my Christmas costume!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You look like a pervert elf.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- He is a pervert elf! Hello, pudding! - Hey, Zorro.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Oh, shit the bed, Dan, she is gert lush!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Oh, hello, Lisa, I'm Sue, Dan's mum.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- Hi. Oh, hello!- Oh, what an angel! Oh, if were a man I'd ruin you.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Ruin her?- It's a compliment, she's fantabulous.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Damn straight. You're punchin' well above your weight there, wonky eyes.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- What are you wearing?- It's called a onesie.- You look like a beaver.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42You are what you eat, so...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Shouldn't you be dressed as a cock then?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Oh, ho-ho! He got you there, dump truck!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- JULIE:- Where's my new sister in law?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Hello Lisa, I'm Julie, sweet. - Nice to meet you.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Can I have an Eskimo kiss?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- He loves it.- I don't love it.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Oh, my God, you're so cute.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02I could just eat you.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Whey-oh-ey!- No.- What? - Trev, Bert. Lisa's here.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07What's your star sign?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Oh, come on, Julie. - Ssh! What's your star sign?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Taurus.- Huh! Oh, my God.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Dan's an Aries, you're a Taurus, that's a match made in heaven.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Cos his ex was a Pisces
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and that was never going to work, was it, Mum?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Never. When was the last time you seen a ram hanging out with a fish?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Noah's ark?- Grow up, Dan.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Ooh, Trev. This is my husband, Trevor.- All right? Trev.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32And this is our son, Bertie.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Do you like magic?- Yeah.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Well, step this way!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Madame, where is the ball?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Just give him five minutes.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Ooh...- Sorry.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Oh, I can't believe you drove all the way from London, Lise.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I couldn't do it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I literally can't think of anything more terrifying
0:06:21 > 0:06:23than driving in London.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24What if...
0:06:24 > 0:06:30you had a dream about eating a pie and when you woke up...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33you had eaten your hand?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Hm. Geminis. He's very...
0:06:40 > 0:06:41So, what's the plan for tonight?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, me and Lisa are going down the Bull.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Quiet drink...just the two of us.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Great idea.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52DAN'S MUM LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY
0:06:52 > 0:06:55And, after that, he never swam for the school again, did you, love?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Honestly, Lise, you've never seen diarrhoea like it. Oh!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Dave, Dave, Dave. Show Lisa that picture of Dan when he was younger.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Got it here, yeah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Think - you could have been in Barbados.- There you go.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Why are you naked? - Oh, he wouldn't wear clothes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15He always had that one hand on his tinkle, didn't he, Dave?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18We thought we had a problem child - he give it a name!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- I was four years old!- Bloody grabbing at it. "Look, dad, it's Keith!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Keith!- I call mine Vesuvius.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Yeah, cos it's fuckin' dormant.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Ooh - got you there, Jakey!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30At least mine never got bitten by a swan!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Oh, my God, you remember that? - Oh, my God, Dan.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37We were feeding ducks in the park, Lise, and a swan got hold of Keith.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Remember, do you? He wrote a letter to the Queen, Lise.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44TOGETHER: "Dear Liz, one of your swans bit my widger."
0:07:49 > 0:07:50I do love Christmas.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55I know it sounds mad, but it's times like this I'm glad Jesus died.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57What? He was born at Christmas.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Right, my round. Come on, Dan, give us a hand at the bar.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- Get Jake to go. - You go, Dan. We'll look after Lise.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09So, hm, Lise - do you think you'll get married?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11I'll take that as a yes!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17See, the trick is, never ignore your legs. See?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21That's where you build all your explosive power.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Dad, are you all right? Dad...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a bit of heartburn.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Oh, don't be such a fanny. Right, Lois, how much is that?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31A lot of people don't go for it these days, Lise,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34but what can I tell you? I believe in tradition.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I just think if you're going to have a hen night,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38you've got to have a stripper.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Crisp?- Er, no, thanks.- Julie?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44No, Mum, I'm on a diet.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- JAKE:- All right, which one of you wankers is up for a drinking game?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Yes! - DAD:- Good thinking there, Jakey.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Right, so you eat a spoonful of sweet corn, then you drink a pint of
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Guinness and the winner is whoever poos out the longest bumblebee.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00How are you still single?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02How are YOU still single?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Hi.- All right?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Uh, well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14HE OOHS
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Lovely, lovely, lovely. Merry Christmas, you beautiful buggers!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- How you doin'? Dan, how are you? - Hello, mate, how are you?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Hang on, hang on. Let's do it properly.- OK, OK.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26BOTH: Ooh, ooh, ooh - wahey!
0:09:27 > 0:09:28You look fantastic, mate.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- So do you, man. There she is. - You must be Lisa.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Yeah, hi.- Nice to meet you. I'm Mark, Dan's oldest friend.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I'll tell you this, Lise, you've picked an absolute legend.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Let me say this, right?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40God, as my witness, this man...
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- only man I'd have a threesome with. - Never going to happen.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Never say never.- I'm saying never.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- You can't rule these things out. - I can.- You don't know what's happening in the future, do you?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- It's not that.- We agree to disagree. Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat
0:09:52 > 0:09:54but I'm on a promise with Ethel.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57(Is that Dave Bolton's mum?)
0:09:57 > 0:10:00No. It's his nan. Ta-ta.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Dirty bugger.- He's all right.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06He's probably off making another one of these pornos.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Nothing wrong with home-made erotica, Trev. Me and Sue have made
0:10:09 > 0:10:12some absolute classics down the years, haven't we love, eh?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Cheese and onion flavour, yeah.
0:10:15 > 0:10:21Not like this. I heard, he made a porno so disgusting
0:10:21 > 0:10:23that whoever sees it goes mad.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Bollocks.- And he lost it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28That video is out there...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30somewhere.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- You know Cheryl from the bakery? - Yeah.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Her dog accidentally saw Mark's porno.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37The next day...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40the dog committed suicide.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- How does a dog kill itself? - Threw itself under a bus.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Maybe he just got run over.- No!- Oh.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Wayne the bin man reckons
0:10:47 > 0:10:51it was the first time he'd ever seen roadkill with a boner.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Right, let's get on it!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59One each of those little puppies, here you go.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Oh, lovely.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Just one last one. One, two, three.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05- ALL:- Ugh!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07What is in that, Dad?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Oh, Lise, did I ever tell you about the time, I caught Dan
0:11:11 > 0:11:12dressing up as Mariah Carey?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I remember, yeah!
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- ALL:- # All I want for Christmas is you! #
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Merry Christmas.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Merry Christmas.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Oh. Merry Christmas, Keith! - Keith's asleep.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- No, Keith's not asleep. - Yeah, he's dead.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Dan...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Your parents are crazy. - I did say, didn't I?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54MUFFLED EXCITED VOICES
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, my God, is that your parents?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Yeah. Do your parents not do this at Christmas?- No! No!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Yeah, Christmas gang bang. - No! No! Oh, my God!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I can think of no finer moment than this to give you your present.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- Ah! What is it?- Merry Christmas. I'm not telling you, am I?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14MUFFLED SEX NOISES AND BANGING
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Are you taking me to Paris?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Indeed I am.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Dan! Thank you, I'm so happy. Mwah!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23VOICES BECOME LOUDER, BANGING BECOMES QUICKER
0:12:23 > 0:12:25You're not the only one.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26NOISES STOP
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- I feel bad now cos I didn't get you anything.- Huh?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Oh, you sneaky wench!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34It's not quite Paris tickets.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Let's have a look.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Guitar lessons, that's amazing! - You like that, do you?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Yeah, of course I do! Come here, that's brilliant.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS - Whoa, OK, hello.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Come on you two, we're opening our presents.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Sounds like you've already opened yours, mother.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49PHONE JINGLE: # Ass so hot, can I jiggle your titties... #
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Oh, oh, bloody... Jake! He's changed my ringtone.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I...I...I don't know how to fix it. Ha-ha-ha!
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Come on, I've got you some great Christmas jumpers.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- LAUGHTER - What do you think? I made them myself.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05He's got the same eyes as you.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- What about yours? - That's nothing, check out Nan's!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Hers looks like it's being gang banged.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Gang banged? What's that?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Uncle Dan, pick a card! - OK, right. There you go.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Don't tell me what it is, just concentrate on the card.- OK.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25It's the...nine of diamonds.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, sorry, Bertie.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Poor bugger.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34THEY GASP
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Da-dum.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh, my God, Trev, what happened?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41This is my present.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I've given him a different haircut every day for Christmas.
0:13:45 > 0:13:51Oh, that is a truly thoughtful present, Julie.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52It's nice.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Sweet piss, Trev, did someone take a shit on your head?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Ha!
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Dad!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- Doh, Dave.- What?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06PHONE JINGLE: # Ass so hot, can I jingle your titties... #
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Oh, Jakey!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13CHATTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:16HE BURPS LOUDLY
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- That was a good one.- Amazing!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Wouldn't mind a few of them.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- 'Ere, Lise, how old do you think I am?- Oh-ho-ho!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Go on, have a guess.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Dunno, 60?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- I'm 52.- Ah, brilliant.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I tell you what, Lise, you've got a lovely figure.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- It's nice and meaty.- Meaty? Mum...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43That's a compliment! Most of your girlfriends have been like rakes.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Yeah.- It's nice to see someone with a nice bit of flesh on her.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Exactly, you're very, um, womanly. - Yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Womanly, that's it, that's what men like, isn't it, Dave?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Something they can grab hold of.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Bloody right. I can slap your mum's arse, go and get a cup of tea
0:14:56 > 0:14:58and when I come back, it's still wobbling.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Some of Dan's exes have been like sticks.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Do you remember Jenny? Do you remember Jenny?- Oh, Jenny!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Why are we bringing her up?- We've got a picture of her somewhere!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Sit down, you're being rude! - Here it is.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- There you go.- How about we don't dwell on the past...
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Oh, I can't believe you ripped that picture.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20..and just have a lovely Christmas meal?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I'm just saying. You obviously take after your dad.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- He likes a bit of booty an' all. - Guilty!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- BURPS - I'm more of a tit man myself.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Well, her tits are great too! - Ooh, yeah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32- Mum!- They are lovely.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I have a thing about noses.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51This is the perfect Christmas, isn't it?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Your mum's calling me fat...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56your brother's staring at my tits
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- and now I have to meet the rest of your family.- I'm sorry.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- Do we have to go?- You know I do.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I haven't seen Uncle Tony since he got the all clear.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- We should have gone to Barbados. - Well, I did say.- And who is Jenny?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Oh, come on.- Why haven't you told me about her before?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Cos she was a girl I went out with for, like, a month when I was 19.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Then, why have they got a photograph of her?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I don't know, why does Mum call Google, Goggle?
0:16:20 > 0:16:24She clearly adores you. It's just... she doesn't know how to show it.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Come on, we'll go to Tony's for an hour...max.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31We'll find a nice quiet spot, just you and me...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and Keith.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Come on.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It'll be super duper wiggly woo.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Just don't leave me on my own with them.- I won't.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45To be honest, I doubt they'll even bother with us.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48LOUD MUSIC PLAYING
0:16:52 > 0:16:55So, as I was saying, Lisa, when are you two getting married?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- Oh, Jade, not you as well?- Well, you're not getting any younger,
0:16:59 > 0:17:00especially if you want to have kids.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You don't want to leave it too long,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- or they'll come out all Forrest Gump!- What does that even mean?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Buongiorno, princesses.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13I bring four glasses of champagne for four delectable ladies.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Oh, you know, you lovely poppets are going to have to tell me your secret
0:17:16 > 0:17:19because, I swear to Christ, you're all getting younger.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- We are talking marriage, Tone. - Best thing I ever did.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Oh, darling.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Listen, my angels, I'm just going to take Dan off for a bit.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- You don't mind, do you, Lise? - Course she doesn't, sweetheart.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- Oh, maybe in a bit, Tone, me and Lisa are just going to chill out... - Hey! Come on Dan! If my ba...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42..my battle with the nut cancer has taught me anything,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46it's that there's no time like the present, so, come on...
0:17:46 > 0:17:47indulge an old man.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Drinking in the shots, are we, Dan? - Yeah.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I used to have a lovely one of Rolf here, but, that had to burn.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Right, come on, Milkie! - Where are we going?- You'll see.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17The million dollar question, Lisa - is he the one?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- I think, um... - When you know, you know.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Me and Doug got married after two months.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- I never met a man like him.- Yeah. - And you were pregnant.- Yeah.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Oh... I have an amazing idea.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Come on, Lisa, come with me, come on, follow me, girl.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- There you go, come on.- What you gonna do?- Come on, come with me.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Wait for me.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Let me give you some advice.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48My fucking wife and those rancid old crows in there
0:18:48 > 0:18:51are filling Lisa's head full of all sorts of shit.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55I'm here to tell you right now, Daniel, you never get married.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- How many times are we going to do this?- When you're single,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00life is a buffet.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Marriage...marriage is a microwave meal, Dan.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Oh sure, of course it's hot at the beginning,
0:19:07 > 0:19:12but, you dig a little deeper, and it's cold. Real cold.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13How many of those have you had?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16What I'm saying is, Dan, never settle.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18How am I settling? Lisa's amazing!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20She's all right. Let's not talk silly.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- What I wouldn't do to be single again.- Oh...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I don't know if I ever told you, but in the '80s, I was, er...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29quite the cocksman.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32We're really going to have another story about you and Keith Chegwin?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I remember once, I was round at Cheggers' house at a party,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39fuckin' bangin' it was. I managed to talk two girls into bed...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41with nothing more than a Slinky.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Hm, they were Latvian.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46They thought I was a wizard.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Great chattin', Tone. Doubtless we shall do this again next year.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Stick to the buffet, Dan. Stick to the buffet!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Jesus!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Oi, Trev, you seen Lisa?- No.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Oh! You do know who is here though, don't you? It's Jenny.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- (What the hell is she doing here?) - I don't know...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Would you like a hug?- No, I don't want...- No, he doesn't want a hug.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30GASPS
0:20:30 > 0:20:32What did I tell you, that is a perfect fit!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Oh, my darling.- You look lush!
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- Sue, go and get a camera, let's get some pics.- Great idea!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41You look absolutely beautiful. Turn around.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Oh, darling...- You look lush! - Oh, my God, look at her ass in that.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Oh, he's going to enjoy popping the cherry on that.- Oh, yes.- Oh, yeah.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51GRUNTING
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Hold that lot there. That's the crab. Both of you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Oh, wow! You all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Sometimes when you clench your abs, you can pull a little intercostal.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07No, Kelly, I'm on a diet.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Here, Ju, I don't understand.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14- Mark's porno, does it only affect dogs?- No. Nathan Watkins seen it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Last I heard, he was in Waitrose car park,
0:21:16 > 0:21:21- trying to chew off his own face. - Oh... Waitrose.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Mum, Mum... Where's Lisa?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27She's upstairs trying on Jade's wedding dress.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31What? What part of "look after her" didn't you understand?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- What's Jenny doing here? - Jade knows her from Zumba.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Well, get rid of her. If Lisa sees her, she's going to go mental.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Get rid of her.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52- You all right, Suze?- It's Dan, he's so tense.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- You're telling me.- I just want him to have fun.- Same here.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58If only there were some kind of magic potion to cheer him up.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Ah... Now we're talking, Suze.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- What?- "Oh, what?" she says. Don't worry, Suze, I understand.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"He just needs a magic potion to cheer him up"(!)
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- What are you talking about?- Clever. Denial.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Don't worry Suze, I've got it covered.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Ooh!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- So, I think we'll just nip this in a bit in the back.- That cleavage.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- KNOCKING Lisa? Are you OK?- Yes, come in!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01He can't come in, it's bad luck! Are you insane?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04She'll be out in a minute, you go and enjoy yourself.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- All right, gaylord? - How am I a gaylord?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- You just threw imaginary spunk at me.- Yeah, you loved it.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- What?- Permission to come aboard.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Tony, I don't want to hear about how you got sucked off
0:23:36 > 0:23:38cos of a game of Buckaroo.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Hey, hush, hush. I come bearing an apology.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I'm sorry about all the wedding stuff, Dan.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- Truce?- Go on, then.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Yeah. Good girl.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Tone.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07So do you want to hear a mucky story about Sinitta?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08- Not really.- Why not?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Get every angle, brilliant, well done.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Come on gorgeous, smile.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- It's good from every angle, isn't it?- I think we've got enough now.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- Let's get her in the bed, looking seductive!- Yes!
0:24:20 > 0:24:26- Come on, then.- You'll look lovely on that black silk.- On all fours.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29You're going to look absolutely fantastic, there you go.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Arch your back...
0:24:30 > 0:24:34MUSIC: Firestarter by Torre Florim
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Go on, hit me as hard as you can. Come on, I won't feel a thing!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09# Ta-dah... #
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Come on, Lisa, nice and trampy now. Go on, get...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Yeah, stick your tongue out, Lise.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26That's the stuff, that's the stuff.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Really slutty.- On all fours. Make some of them noises.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Uh, uh, uh, you taste so good!
0:25:37 > 0:25:38HE GIBBERS
0:25:44 > 0:25:45He's perked up a bit.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Cheggers did say they had some kick.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04And this...is what I wore for the honeymoon.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09CAMERA CLICKS
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Please don't make me wear that. - KNOCKING
0:26:11 > 0:26:16Lise? You better come down. Dan's acting really strange.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I got that.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30MANIACAL LAUGH
0:26:42 > 0:26:45INDISTINCT
0:26:52 > 0:26:56MUSIC: Firestarter by Torre Florim continues
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"FIRESTARTER" REPLACED BY PARTY MUSIC
0:27:15 > 0:27:16HE GROANS WITH PLEASURE
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Jesus! Who keeps doing that?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Still no answer, love? - Oh, why'd you let her leave?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00She was so upset, Dan, and you were
0:28:00 > 0:28:04licking that bald man's head again...and she just slipped away.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Somebody must have spiked my drink.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08I honestly thought I was kissing Lisa.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12What was that look? What happened?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I was chatting to Uncle Tony, love,
0:28:17 > 0:28:22and I happened to mention that you were a bit stressed...
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- Which you were, Dan.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27..and I think he misunderstood
0:28:27 > 0:28:32- and he might have put some stuff in your drink.- It was you?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I'm so sorry, love.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38What the FUCK did you do that for?!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I'm so sorry, love, I was just trying to be helpful...
0:28:41 > 0:28:45- Help? You've ruined my life!- I'm so sorry, Dan! Where are you going?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Mum, get your hands off me!
0:28:47 > 0:28:49- Oi! Don't you dare talk to your mother like that!- Fuck you!
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Get out of my house! Get out!
0:28:57 > 0:28:59SHE SOBS
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Think the toilet's broken again, Mum,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07I just shat out a massive bumblebee.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Cheers, Trev.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27'Hi, this is Lisa, please leave a message.'
0:29:27 > 0:29:31Lise, please call me back, right, it wasn't my fault, they drugged me.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I'm at the station now, I'll be home in about three hours.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38I love you so much.
0:29:43 > 0:29:48Right, so that's single to Exeter, all right, thank you.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51- Single to London, please.- When are you planning on returning?
0:29:51 > 0:29:52I'm not, I just need a single to London.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Right, well, it's just as cheap getting a return.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57We got super saver,
0:29:57 > 0:30:00we got a super-super saver, we got a range of loyalty savers...
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Look, I'm in a bit of a rush.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Can I just have a single to London, please?
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Abusive language will not be tolerated, sir.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I'm not being abusive, am I? I just need to get to London.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15- Well, being rude to me ain't going to help, is it?- I'm not being...
0:30:15 > 0:30:18It would be rude if I said, "Get me a fucking ticket to fucking London!"
0:30:18 > 0:30:20But I haven't done that, I just want a single to London.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Come on, I'm having the worst day of my life.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24I'm sorry, just...
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- OVER PA SYSTEM:- Can I have station security to the front desk, please?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Lisa, are you OK?
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Lisa, are you all right?
0:30:43 > 0:30:46'No. No, I'm not OK.'
0:30:46 > 0:30:48I'm so sorry, love. I know this is going to sound like
0:30:48 > 0:30:52absolute bullshit, but I swear, on my mum's life,
0:30:52 > 0:30:55I honestly thought I was kissing you.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57- 'Dan...'- Uncle Tony spiked my drink.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59'Dan, you cheated on me.'
0:31:00 > 0:31:02'You cheated on me in front of your whole family and made me
0:31:02 > 0:31:04'look like an idiot.'
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Look, just let me come home, I can fix this.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10'I don't want you to come home.'
0:31:10 > 0:31:12What? What does that mean? You...
0:31:12 > 0:31:13Are you breaking up with me?
0:31:15 > 0:31:17'I just need some time to think.'
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Don't put... Please, Lisa, don't put the phone down, please don't.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Pl...
0:31:30 > 0:31:33# I have nothing
0:31:33 > 0:31:37# I love no-one
0:31:37 > 0:31:44# Are words that you whisper in my mind
0:31:44 > 0:31:48# To someone I don't know
0:31:48 > 0:31:51# To someone I don't know
0:31:51 > 0:31:53# To someone
0:31:55 > 0:31:59# So walk with me
0:31:59 > 0:32:02# On this new spring morning
0:32:02 > 0:32:07# I'll walk you till your fears are numb
0:32:09 > 0:32:13# I need your light in my life
0:32:13 > 0:32:16# Need your light in my life
0:32:16 > 0:32:19# Need your light
0:32:20 > 0:32:23# So come back to me
0:32:23 > 0:32:30# My darling, come back to me... #
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Hiya.
0:32:33 > 0:32:39# I'd do anything to be at your side
0:32:41 > 0:32:46# I'd be anyone to be at your side
0:32:48 > 0:32:50# I need your light in my life
0:32:51 > 0:32:55# Need your light in my life
0:32:55 > 0:32:57# Need your light. #
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Another cup of tea there for you.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11Come on, mate, been moping around here for two days now.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Let's go out. Guys' night out!
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Yeah, couple of lads down the pub, no women,
0:33:16 > 0:33:20just two blokes putting the world to rights.
0:33:20 > 0:33:21We won't have one mention of Lisa.
0:33:24 > 0:33:25All right.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Lisa, Lisa, Lisa!
0:33:29 > 0:33:30Such a pretty name.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39HE BELCHES
0:33:39 > 0:33:41- Same again.- Let's make this the last round, hey, mate?
0:33:41 > 0:33:44No, let's get some more in, eh? Having the time of our life.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50So what's all this I hear about your porno killing a dog?
0:33:50 > 0:33:52That dog died of natural causes!
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Hi, this is Lisa, please leave a message.
0:33:57 > 0:34:02Just pick up the phone, please. I just want to hear your voice, please.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Dan, what the hell are you doing? Give that here!
0:34:05 > 0:34:09What's the one thing I told you to never do when you're drunk?
0:34:09 > 0:34:13- Have a strangle wank?- No, the other one.- I don't know, mate.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17- You never drunk dial, Dan.- But I'm broke, mate. I don't know what to do.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20Whoa, whoa, whoa... What you doing? Come on!
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Not here, mate, come on, you're not in London now.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Up you come, up you come. Come on, come here.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Let's just go back to mine, we'll have a cup of coffee,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31- play a bit of Fifa.- All I want to do is just stay here and get pissed.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Dan, listen to me, what kind of friend would I be if I just...?
0:34:40 > 0:34:45All right! One more drink. The things I do for you.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47- Thanks, mate. - That's all right, yeah.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52When I met her, everything changed.
0:34:55 > 0:34:56When she smiled at me...
0:34:59 > 0:35:01..it was like the whole world was smiling at me.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Oh, yeah, that's it, that's it!
0:35:08 > 0:35:10- You're amazing, you're absolutely amazing!- I know!
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Oh, yes.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Deirdre, how much longer you going to be?
0:35:14 > 0:35:18Oh, yes! Oh, it's a bonanza!
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Part of me's died. Like my soul has split in two.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Yes, that is amazing, that is absolutely amazing!
0:35:28 > 0:35:30I'm a lucky boy, I'm a lucky boy.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Cath! The taxi's on its way!
0:35:34 > 0:35:39Oh, double trouble. I'm a lucky boy, innit? Lovely, lovely.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Ooh, you're perfect. Don't you change.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Oh... God.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49HE SNIFFS
0:35:51 > 0:35:53- See you later, ladies. - Bye, lover.
0:35:53 > 0:35:58You were fantastic. Grrrr! Stay naughty. Ciao, ciao.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04What a night! You feeling better?
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Oh, yeah. Watching you bone dinner ladies really sorted me out.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Well, don't knock it till you try it, Dan.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Good thing about dinner ladies - not afraid to give you seconds.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16- What?- You should have joined in, mate.- Mate, they've got bus passes.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Yeah, both of which went up my ass.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20How is that bragging?
0:36:21 > 0:36:23HE HUMS TUNE
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Hello, Mum? Ca... calm down. Ca... Mum? I can't...
0:36:36 > 0:36:42Calm down. What? His heart? Oh, God! Yeah, I'm coming.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I'm coming straight away. I've got to go.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54Bye, Dan. Right, breakfast. Lovely.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58Where is he?
0:36:58 > 0:37:01- SOBBING:- Oh, Dan, they think he might die.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Don't say that, don't say that. come on. Where is he?
0:37:04 > 0:37:09- Where is he?- He's at the vet's. - What? The vet's?
0:37:09 > 0:37:12He's been in surgery.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14- Oh, God, I thought it was you!- No!
0:37:14 > 0:37:17- Oh, Dad!- It's all right! I'm all right.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- Oh, God, Dad.- It's all right, Dan. It's all right.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- Don't worry.- I'm so sorry, Dad.
0:37:22 > 0:37:29- Oh, it's all right. How are you? You all right?- Yeah.- You OK?- Yeah.
0:37:32 > 0:37:38- So, what's the latest?- They reckon it's going to be 50/50.- 50/50!
0:37:38 > 0:37:43- Oh, Mum.- Poor little bugger. - Dad.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47Come here, you. Come here. Come on.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50It'll be all right.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Aw...
0:37:59 > 0:38:04Oh, Ma, look at this one.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Oh, my God. Let's see.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11- What?- I remember that.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Oh, is that my last day of school?
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Silly bugger. Ate a whole plate of sausages
0:38:17 > 0:38:19and had the shits for a week.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23What's this? Zorro the Wonderdog?
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Oh, my God, Mum, you kept it!
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Oh, my God, oh, Ma, put it on, oh, put it on, yeah...
0:38:31 > 0:38:32I won't spoil it.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Oh, Dan.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43CHILD'S VOICE: A Dan Coleman production.
0:38:43 > 0:38:48Starring Zorro the Wonderdog!
0:38:48 > 0:38:51It's quite clever, though, that, you know.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Why is he so wonderful, you ask?
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Well, what other dog can make people disappear.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Incredible!
0:39:02 > 0:39:04That's been a good gag.
0:39:04 > 0:39:09(That's not all. Zorro has the power to wake the dead.)
0:39:09 > 0:39:14- Oh, this is great, remember this? - Oh...- Oh, here we go.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18'You little sod!'
0:39:18 > 0:39:20He's brilliant!
0:39:20 > 0:39:21'You little bugger!'
0:39:23 > 0:39:25He's brilliant!
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Is it on? Right, OK. Oh, Christ!
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Do you remember this?
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Waaa-ya! Waa!
0:39:36 > 0:39:39What? What is it?
0:39:39 > 0:39:40ALL: Oh!
0:39:43 > 0:39:46You've never been the same since!
0:39:46 > 0:39:48I think I've cracked a nut!
0:39:48 > 0:39:50What was that?
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Crikey, they've gone inside!
0:39:53 > 0:39:54Stop it! Now, get away!
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Oh, God. I hope he's going to be OK.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05- 'Course he is.- He will, Mum.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07SOBBING
0:40:12 > 0:40:14That was lovely, darling.
0:40:14 > 0:40:15Thanks, love.
0:40:22 > 0:40:23MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:40:23 > 0:40:25It's the vet's.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Oh, God. Please, let him be OK.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Hello, Susan Coleman.
0:40:34 > 0:40:35Yeah...
0:40:36 > 0:40:37Zorro, yeah.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41It did, yeah.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45HE'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT!
0:40:45 > 0:40:47CHEERING
0:40:57 > 0:40:59- Hello, love. - Hey, Mum, do you want a hand?
0:40:59 > 0:41:04- I'm all right, you go and watch the telly.- Come on. Pudding's on it.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- Towel me up. - All right, babes, there you go.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18I'm sorry for what I said the other day.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20I didn't mean it.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Stop it, you're going to make me cry now.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26I just need you to know, I love you.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28I love you, pudding.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Have you spoken to Lise?
0:41:36 > 0:41:37She's not returning my calls.
0:41:41 > 0:41:42What are you going to do?
0:41:45 > 0:41:46I dunno.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Why don't you go and see her?
0:41:53 > 0:41:55I mean, she said she wants some space.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Can't stop thinking about her, Mum.
0:42:01 > 0:42:02What am I going to do without her?
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Oh, it's going to be all right. I can feel it.
0:42:05 > 0:42:09I miss her so much, Mum. DAN CRIES
0:42:09 > 0:42:12I know, love, I know you do. I know. It's going to be all right.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14It's all right.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28So do you reckon you'll be here for New Year, Dan?
0:42:28 > 0:42:31I guess so. Got nowhere else to go, have I?
0:42:31 > 0:42:33She won't answer any of my calls.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Oh, love.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38I'll tell you what you should do. Write Lisa a song.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40What?
0:42:40 > 0:42:43I'm serious. You should go up to London and sweep her off her feet
0:42:43 > 0:42:45with a love ballad. That's what I did for your mum.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47Aww, you wrote mum a song?
0:42:47 > 0:42:49An absolute classic.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51Was it?
0:42:51 > 0:42:54# Susie, Susie, Susie, Su-Susie, Susie Sue
0:42:54 > 0:42:58# Susie, Susie, Susie, Su-Susie, Susie Sue. #
0:42:58 > 0:43:00That's not a song, you're just saying her name.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Later that night we made sweet love in the Argos car park.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Fuck sake.
0:43:05 > 0:43:06I love the melody.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09- It's so romantic.- That's not romantic, Mum, that's dogging.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11- Dogging? - It's like when you...
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Don't worry about it, Mum.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16You want to forget about Lisa, mate, and get back inside that Jenny.
0:43:16 > 0:43:17Oh, shut up, Jake.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20What? Do you mind if I have a pop?
0:43:22 > 0:43:23- Jake!- I'm just sayin'!
0:43:35 > 0:43:38- DISTANT:- I'm rubbish, Nanny. Every trick I do goes wrong.
0:43:38 > 0:43:43You're not rubbish! You're just starting out.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46Everyone makes mistakes at first.
0:43:46 > 0:43:53I bet you when Dynamo first tried to walk on water he got soaked through.
0:43:55 > 0:44:00But everyone laughs at me. I feel so stupid.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03They only laugh because they're jealous.
0:44:03 > 0:44:05Because you're brave,
0:44:05 > 0:44:08because you've got the courage to do what you love.
0:44:08 > 0:44:11Today they're laughing, tomorrow they'll be applauding.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14Before you know it they'll be coming to see you at the Albert Hall.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16Do you think so?
0:44:16 > 0:44:17I know so.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22Life is all about seizing opportunities, Bert.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24If you see a dream then you follow it.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29Do you think David Blaine or Gandalf gave up
0:44:29 > 0:44:31because somebody laughed at them?
0:44:34 > 0:44:35Exactly, sweetheart.
0:44:35 > 0:44:41Oh. I don't know much, Bertie-boy,
0:44:41 > 0:44:43but one thing I do know.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49Never worry about what other people think of you.
0:44:49 > 0:44:53Just do what your heart says.
0:44:53 > 0:44:54Nothing else matters.
0:44:54 > 0:44:59If you find something you love, then never let go of that thing.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Thanks, Nanny
0:45:03 > 0:45:04You're very welcome.
0:45:04 > 0:45:08Just don't forget me when you're a great, big, massive star.
0:45:08 > 0:45:09I won't.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11- Do you promise?- Yeah.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16Love you, magic man.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42You, you gotta let 'em know that you're there. You...
0:45:42 > 0:45:44you can start with, you know, something like this.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47Bring your audience in, bring 'em in to you, let 'em know you're
0:45:47 > 0:45:49doing something mysterious.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52You're doing something magical, something strange.
0:45:52 > 0:45:56And then you crack out a bit of freestyle, see?
0:45:56 > 0:45:58Give it some of that. Little shimmy here, little shimmy there.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01And then bring 'em in. Oh, oh!
0:46:01 > 0:46:04That's fantastic! Some of that body popping thing that you do, yeah.
0:46:04 > 0:46:08That... Oh, fantastic, Bertie, that's it!
0:46:08 > 0:46:09Yeah, that's the way, son!
0:46:09 > 0:46:11What you doing?
0:46:11 > 0:46:13A wizard never reveals his secrets.
0:46:13 > 0:46:15Go on.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19How about this, Grandad?
0:46:19 > 0:46:23Oh! Oh, the little bum wiggle? Oh, I love it! I love it!
0:46:23 > 0:46:25I love the bum wiggle!
0:46:26 > 0:46:31RADIO: # You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear... #
0:46:31 > 0:46:34Oh, Dan, what do you think about this for tonight?
0:46:34 > 0:46:36- It's a bit low-key. - Really?
0:46:36 > 0:46:38Yeah. I feel it is too classy, Jules.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40Do you think so?
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Hm... Have you seen Mum?
0:46:42 > 0:46:46- No.- Oh, we're meant to be doing a fake tan sesh.
0:46:46 > 0:46:47There she is, see?
0:46:47 > 0:46:48Oh, there he is.
0:46:48 > 0:46:51Oh, are you practising your magic again, Bertie?
0:46:51 > 0:46:54Yeah! When you find something you love, Mum, you never give up on it!
0:46:54 > 0:46:57- Put it there, Bertie. Boom! - Ba-boom!
0:46:57 > 0:47:00Yeah! Let's go and find Zorro, give him his medicine, shall we?
0:47:00 > 0:47:04- RADIO:- 'And keeping it old school, who can forget this one from 1994?'
0:47:04 > 0:47:06# 'Let's get ready, ready, let's get ready, ready,
0:47:06 > 0:47:08# 'Let's get ready to rumble!
0:47:08 > 0:47:10# 'Watch us wreck the mic, Watch us wreck the mic,
0:47:10 > 0:47:12# 'Watch us wreck the mic...'
0:47:12 > 0:47:13# Psyche!
0:47:13 > 0:47:15# Let's get ready, ready, Let's get ready, ready
0:47:15 > 0:47:18# Let's get, let's get Let's get ready, ready
0:47:18 > 0:47:20# Let's get ready, ready, Let's get ready, ready
0:47:20 > 0:47:21# Let's get ready to rumble!
0:47:21 > 0:47:24- # Straight up provin' - We can get you groovin'
0:47:24 > 0:47:26- # This track's boomin' - It ain't no hype
0:47:26 > 0:47:29# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic
0:47:29 > 0:47:31- # Watch us wreck the mic... - Psyche!- #
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Lise. Lise...
0:47:35 > 0:47:39Lisa... Lise?
0:47:51 > 0:47:55No, nothing's wrong, I just thought she might be with you.
0:47:55 > 0:47:57Yeah, OK, all right... well, yeah.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59Happy New Years, all right, bye, Sarah, bye.
0:47:59 > 0:48:02Ah... Salutations, Dan.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05Do you know, I've just had the most wonderful sandwich?
0:48:05 > 0:48:07Ham, cheese and pickle!
0:48:07 > 0:48:09- Rog, Rog, Rog.- Hm? - Have you seen Lisa?
0:48:09 > 0:48:12Yes, yes, I did. A couple of hours ago. I saw her leave.
0:48:12 > 0:48:14Did she say where she was going?
0:48:14 > 0:48:16Oh, I didn't chat. I just saw her leaving.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19She was carrying an awfully big suitcase.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22Is everything OK, dear boy?
0:48:23 > 0:48:25Yeah, no, it's, it's fine. Um...
0:48:25 > 0:48:28Have a good New Years, mate.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30- Er... Same to you.- Yeah.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43'Hi, this is Lisa...'
0:48:46 > 0:48:48MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:48:54 > 0:48:55Hello, love. Where are you?
0:48:55 > 0:48:57I'm at the flat.
0:48:57 > 0:48:58What, in London?
0:48:58 > 0:49:01Yeah, I came to get Lisa, but she's gone to Barbados.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03Barbados?
0:49:03 > 0:49:06Yeah. A neighbour saw her leaving with a suitcase.
0:49:08 > 0:49:09What a shit New Years.
0:49:09 > 0:49:14Oh, my poor pudding. Why don't you come back home, love?
0:49:15 > 0:49:16Not in the mood for a party, Mum.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18Not in the mood for anything.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20I'll just sit here and gas myself in the car.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22Don't talk like that, darling!
0:49:22 > 0:49:25Besides, you don't want people finding your body in Jake's car,
0:49:25 > 0:49:28they'll think you're a right pervert.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31Oh, come back home, love, I'm cooking your favourite tea.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34Chilli con carne with baked beans instead of kidney beans.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36Come on, love.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40Before I bloody drive down to London and get you myself!
0:49:40 > 0:49:42All right. I'm coming.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45Last thing we need's you on the roads, eh?
0:49:45 > 0:49:48All right. Bye, love! See you soon!
0:49:52 > 0:49:55# All I want for Christmas
0:49:57 > 0:50:00# The same thing every year
0:50:01 > 0:50:05# To wake up with you beside me
0:50:06 > 0:50:10# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near
0:50:12 > 0:50:16# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near. #
0:50:26 > 0:50:29MUSIC: Oxygene IV by Jean Michel Jarre
0:50:36 > 0:50:38That's great!
0:50:39 > 0:50:40- What's going on? - Ssh!- Ssh!
0:50:42 > 0:50:44Is he any good at magic?
0:50:46 > 0:50:47No, he's shit.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53Oh, God, Bert, don't mess it up.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57Oh!
0:50:57 > 0:50:58APPLAUSE
0:51:00 > 0:51:03CHEERING
0:51:07 > 0:51:09Has he drawn on abs?
0:51:09 > 0:51:11Nothing wrong with that, Dan.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14Go on, Bertie-boy!
0:51:18 > 0:51:20This is some creepy shit.
0:51:21 > 0:51:26And now, I will attempt my most dangerous trick.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29Whoooooo!
0:51:29 > 0:51:31Not all of you will survive.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Whoooooo!
0:51:35 > 0:51:38But first, I must introduce
0:51:38 > 0:51:43my glamorous and beautiful assistant, Nanny!
0:51:43 > 0:51:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:51:52 > 0:51:55You're looking good, Suze, you're looking good!
0:51:55 > 0:51:58- You been down Anne Summers? - Yeah, get your tits out!
0:52:00 > 0:52:01I am sorry.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03Oh, sod this, I'm going to bed.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05Oh, no, no. You're going to miss the best bit.
0:52:05 > 0:52:12Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to need a volunteer.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16I can spot one over here! Come on!
0:52:16 > 0:52:18Give him a round of applause.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20APPLAUSE
0:52:20 > 0:52:24- He loves it, oh, he loves it! - Go on, Danny.
0:52:24 > 0:52:29Ladies and gentlemen, this may look like an ordinary dog,
0:52:29 > 0:52:32but when I tap him gently with my wand...
0:52:32 > 0:52:35I can make him do something incredible!
0:52:35 > 0:52:37Ooooh!
0:52:37 > 0:52:42For now, he has the power to bring you what you most desire.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46Oooh!
0:52:49 > 0:52:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Oh, my God!
0:52:55 > 0:52:57Now, Nan, now!
0:53:09 > 0:53:10HE MOUTHS: I love you.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16Yes, I did it! I did it!
0:53:16 > 0:53:17Yes!
0:53:17 > 0:53:22And at the end, Dan said, "Jake, you are actually a legend, I think
0:53:22 > 0:53:24"I can learn a lot from you."
0:53:24 > 0:53:25Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:53:27 > 0:53:30Oh, Trevor, Trevor, hit me...
0:53:30 > 0:53:31Just one more.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41You're a goddess.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45- It's such a beautiful day. - It's perfect.
0:53:45 > 0:53:47I don't know what I'd do without you.
0:53:50 > 0:53:52What are you doing? What are you doing?
0:53:52 > 0:53:53Dad...
0:53:53 > 0:53:56Julie! Oh, God, Julie, oh, God, has anyone got a phone?
0:53:56 > 0:53:57Look at your faces!
0:53:57 > 0:53:59Oh, come on!
0:53:59 > 0:54:01LAUGHTER
0:54:05 > 0:54:08- LAUGHING:- Yes, Dad!
0:54:08 > 0:54:09They all thought you'd died!
0:54:09 > 0:54:11HE CONTINUES LAUGHING
0:54:20 > 0:54:21What's this?
0:54:22 > 0:54:29"Mark's unbelievable hardcore home video."
0:54:35 > 0:54:37This will be really good.
0:54:41 > 0:54:44- ON VIDEO:- 'Oh, oh, Vera, we're going to take it up a notch now.
0:54:44 > 0:54:45'Take out the fun grappler...'
0:54:45 > 0:54:47'How do you work this thing? Oh, my God.'
0:54:47 > 0:54:52'That's it, love! Ooh, ooh yeah... Oh, oh, oh, oh...
0:54:52 > 0:54:54'Oh, you dirty bugger, you love this!'
0:54:57 > 0:54:59Thought I'd lost you.
0:55:00 > 0:55:04I know, I'm sorry, I just... I needed some space.
0:55:05 > 0:55:07I do love you.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12How'd you even get here, that's what I want to know.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14Your car wasn't in the street.
0:55:14 > 0:55:15- Ah, your mum picked me up. - What? Mum?
0:55:15 > 0:55:17Yeah. She's really nice. Sh...
0:55:17 > 0:55:19She told me all about Tony and the drugs.
0:55:19 > 0:55:21I told you about that.
0:55:22 > 0:55:24I know, I didn't believe you.
0:55:24 > 0:55:25Why?
0:55:25 > 0:55:28Because... I saw you kissing that girl
0:55:28 > 0:55:32and she was all... blonde and...perfect.
0:55:32 > 0:55:34- How is she, how is she perfect? Really?- Oh, Dan...
0:55:34 > 0:55:37- Are we really doing this?- No. - Look at yourself in the mirror.
0:55:37 > 0:55:39- I'll take you through why you're perfect.- OK, all right then.
0:55:39 > 0:55:42Your perfect hazelnut eyes, when you smile you go like that,
0:55:42 > 0:55:44you're very cute, you got a lovely...
0:55:44 > 0:55:46vein there. The list goes on.
0:55:50 > 0:55:52Let's go to Barbados next year.
0:55:52 > 0:55:53- Absolutely.- Yeah.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56Everything OK, my love-birds?
0:55:56 > 0:55:58How pissed are you?
0:55:58 > 0:56:00Cheeky monkey!
0:56:00 > 0:56:01Can't believe you drove to London.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03It weren't that bad, actually.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06- BOTH:- Aaaargh! - GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!
0:56:06 > 0:56:12Anyway, I've just come to wish you happy new year!
0:56:14 > 0:56:16- Oi, Mum?- Yeah?
0:56:16 > 0:56:18You're amazing.
0:56:18 > 0:56:21No, she's not. She's gert lush.
0:56:21 > 0:56:25- Oooooh! - Oh, now she's talking the lingo!
0:56:27 > 0:56:29Come and have a dance for me, sexy sausage!
0:56:29 > 0:56:35# Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37# Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue... #
0:56:37 > 0:56:39I really love them.
0:56:39 > 0:56:40And I really love you.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46I think it's on, I think it's working.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48Green light's on.
0:56:48 > 0:56:53New Year's resolution... Um...
0:56:53 > 0:56:57I'm going to get myself proper pumped and enter Mr Devon.
0:56:57 > 0:56:58LAUGHTER
0:56:58 > 0:57:01Oh, shut up! You know what I mean!
0:57:01 > 0:57:04What's my New Year's revelation?
0:57:04 > 0:57:08I'd like to try on my old wedding dress...and role play.
0:57:08 > 0:57:10Should probably get a penis reduction.
0:57:10 > 0:57:12Nothing too drastic, just...
0:57:12 > 0:57:14trim off the bottom six inches.
0:57:15 > 0:57:17She knows.
0:57:17 > 0:57:18Oh, piss off, Jake, you fat mess.
0:57:23 > 0:57:27What I'm going to do is I'm going to change my birthday to the...
0:57:27 > 0:57:31November the 28th, cos I've always wanted to be Sagittarius.
0:57:34 > 0:57:36Dirty bastards!
0:57:36 > 0:57:39- All I want to do is spend more time with this legend!- Hey-hey!
0:57:39 > 0:57:41- It's Cheggers!- Hey!
0:57:41 > 0:57:43- BOTH:- Stick to the buffet! - Yes!
0:57:43 > 0:57:46He's mental, Cheggers is, I... I should have...
0:57:48 > 0:57:51I would like to complete my ultimate fantasy,
0:57:51 > 0:57:54that is a mother and a daughter and the grandmother.
0:57:54 > 0:57:56I call it three-course meal.
0:57:57 > 0:58:00Just want to spend every moment with Lisa.
0:58:00 > 0:58:04Aww... To be honest, I'm more interested in Keith.
0:58:04 > 0:58:06Oh, really? Can I see Sandra?
0:58:06 > 0:58:07LAUGHTER
0:58:07 > 0:58:10I would like to buy a meerkat.
0:58:13 > 0:58:17I just want everybody to be happy.
0:58:21 > 0:58:23I'd quite like to meet Gok Wan.
0:58:26 > 0:58:30# All I want for Christmas
0:58:30 > 0:58:34# The same thing every year
0:58:36 > 0:58:41# To wake up with you beside me
0:58:41 > 0:58:45# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near
0:58:45 > 0:58:50# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near. #