0:00:21 > 0:00:27Well, hello to you, and a hearty Happy Christmas.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Oh, I've missed you. Thrilled to be reunited.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34I said "reunited" with a sort of weird thing then, didn't I?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- POSH ACCENT:- "Re-your-nited!"
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Thank you, "Mi'w'anda." I'll take it from here.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Welcome to a special selection of epic fails...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- ..fluffs.. - What?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- What, what, what?- What, what, what, what?- What, what, what?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54..and funnies from the comedy archives.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56That's mental!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02To kick us off, a selection of scripts, meticulously learnt.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Oh, you're going on a date, with clown.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14His name is Clune, mammy. Thomas Clune, not clown.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- I didn't finish me line. - Did you not?- No.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I know, I'm not wild about it, either, but don't worry, because
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- afterwards, we're all going to.... - HE MUMBLES RAPIDLY
0:01:30 > 0:01:34- Look, it's Lillian Stevens. - Who?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Well, that nice lady we met over there who you said had, erm,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40had, was tall and had long black hair and...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's written down!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49If you were with me, it'd give me the confidence to face my fear.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Oh, no, I've got another line, haven't I? sorry.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57The numbskulls in me brain were so busy celebrating that line
0:01:57 > 0:01:59they forgot to carry on.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02They were going, "PAR-TAY!".
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Of course nice, because she's Indian.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Not the Queen?- All of them, the whole Royal family - Indian.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10But, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:17What language was that?
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Indian.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Have you got any of those mints with a hole in?- Oh, mints with a hole in,
0:02:25 > 0:02:31- yes, sir, yes, sir. - How big is the hole?- Eh?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Well, I don't want it to be too big, you see.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You got something to measure with, sir?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I don't care to come to a so-called dinner party to be insulted
0:02:45 > 0:02:48by your girlfriend's freaky friends and dysfunctional family.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Excuse me, we are not ffff... No.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58You are a vision. Da Vinci's Madonna and child, a, uh...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Oh, Master Bill.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You made me forget my lines!
0:03:08 > 0:03:12No, there's nothing else this good for ages, Toby should feel bad.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17I'm glad we're in, You're... Oh, piddle, poo, fart, pants.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21He got up on round nine, the count of nine.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25He got up on the count of nine - He didn't get up at all.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You'd think props would be a blessing -
0:03:29 > 0:03:32they never forget their lines, darling.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35But unfortunately they can misbehave almost as much as an actor,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38particularly if they haven't had a coffee, love.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Absolutely fine.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Come on.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27No, no, no, no, no!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Oh, fine. Do you know what? You win.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- I now declare this marriage... - Get the ring off.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Oh, God. - They're swelling.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Can we get an actress with less chubby fingers?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Oh, do you know what? Fine, you win, then.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Oh. Sorry.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50We've changed the ring, we're all right.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Luckily, somebody had a bulldog's collar and we're going to try it.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Yes! I knew it! Why did you open it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- That's mental. - I can't believe it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Priceless. Priceless, Joe.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- I don't like it, I don't like this one, Jackie.- It's horrible.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I'm going to rip off this catalogue and I'm going to put it in
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- my mini desktop paper shredder with optional mains adapter.- Absolutely.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Let them try and stop me. - Yes. Yes, that's a very...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34There.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Unauthorised giggling can cause the comedy business up to £7,000 a year,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45which is the equivalent to one spray tan for Anton du Beke.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Sad times.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Dermot's taking Marie off to Venice for the weekend.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Going to be going up and down in their gonorrhoea.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I have to go to Iraq to rescue some hostages,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10and I get there and they're all women,
0:06:10 > 0:06:15- and they're naked because their clothes have all rotted away.- Sure.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17HE LAUGHS
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- All her clothes fall off? - Yeah.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21They fall off onto the ground
0:06:21 > 0:06:24and she's scrabbling to get them back on again,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27but before she can get her knickers on...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30HE LAUGHS
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- I think we should lose the axe. - I like the axe.- I like my face.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I like your face.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Let's keep the axe. - Thanks.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44You tell them you are Mr Majinder.
0:06:44 > 0:06:4764 years old travelling to Calcutta.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- SHE WHISPERS - "Do I make you horny?"
0:06:50 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Upper frontal buttocks.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03What?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- New words for br... - HE LAUGHS
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Action!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Sorry.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Upper frontal buttocks.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19What?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22HE LAUGHS APPLAUSE
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Cold as ice!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I walk in there, I'm Queen Bee, I'm Top of the Pops.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- That is brilliant. - Hang on, hang on.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Action!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- SHE SQUEALS - Yeah, I know. Julie, terrible news.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- What?- She's cancelled the date with Vic, Mary.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- But that's going to break his heart. - Yeah, I know, he'll be devastated.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45We're both smirking there, aren't we?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Julie, Julie. Terrible news. - What?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Mary's cancelled the date with Vic.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Julie, terrible news. - What?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Mary has cancelled the date with Vic.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Listen, I don't want to name any names - Bernard, Geoffrey, Denise -
0:08:15 > 0:08:19largely because it's extremely difficult. I mean, look at this lot.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Henderson might drop in to have a cup of tea with his provost.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- That'd be a happy coincidence, wouldn't it, Brian?- Oh, er...Brian?
0:08:28 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:36So why didn't you just tell Mum about Lionel?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Because it's Eric.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I hardly think a girl of Deborah's sophistication is going to go after
0:08:46 > 0:08:49the grand master of sleaze and his sensational pencil case.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I've improved my technique since then, Deborah.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55HE LAUGHS
0:08:55 > 0:08:58APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Acting isn't just remembering your lines, however.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06There's a lot more to it, oh, yes!
0:09:06 > 0:09:08You also have to remember how to walk,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11breathe and use your opposable thumbs.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Yes, there was a time when things were very different.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- BLEEP,- wrong camera.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Oh, you must have heard the fecking kettle boiling, did ya?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- Is there anything she didn't- BLEEP - kick on the way in?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37BLEEP.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41CLATTERING
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"Oh, look, Winne's sneaking in."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46He has to learn, too.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48BANGING LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:55APPLAUSE
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Really? - PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Yes, there's a carving of you in a museum somewhere
0:10:01 > 0:10:03with a tail between your legs.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- I like my idea best. - Yeah, well, you would.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I think it's more interesting.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- Toss a coin? - OK, then.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Now, this next song proved very popular on the continent.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18It sounds rather good sung in French,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22which is a shame, really, because in English it sounds ruddy awful.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- PIANO MUSIC STARTS - Oh, hang on.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31APPLAUSE
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Oh, hello, Richard. Aargh!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42OK, folks! It's...
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Oh!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45There you are, Jay.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Here you are, Jay.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53BLEEP.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Range - 15,000 gigooks and closing.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- Direct collision course. Suggest evasive action.- Engaging re-heat.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:15But if you don't come up with the other £1,854
0:11:15 > 0:11:19by the end of the month, we shall have to repossess your property.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21BELL RINGS
0:11:21 > 0:11:23HE LAUGHS
0:11:23 > 0:11:26What my brain was thinking then was,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"I'll carry on despite the doorbell."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Sometimes, the crew gets a little jealous that the actors
0:11:34 > 0:11:36get to do all the messing up.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39So, now and then, they just jump in as well.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43PHONE RINGS
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Hello?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Kieran? Yes, hold on, he's here. Kieran, it's for you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55APPLAUSE
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- DIRECTOR:- One second. One moment, please.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Here we go, now it's funny.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:16You and me!
0:12:18 > 0:12:23SHE MOUTHS
0:12:30 > 0:12:35INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:50Now, we're British. You'd think that we'd be good at cueing, yeah?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Apparently not.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55And action!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- LEE:- Did you say action?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Did you say action? - I did.- Right.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09How many would succumb, do you think?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Oh, you're really very fit, Howard.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Wait a minute! I haven't done my line, yet.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32You did know there was something wrong.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35You knew about his s-thumb all the time. No, his thumb.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- It's nothing to do with me. - It's everything to do with you.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- It's nothing to do with...- He's... - All week she hasn't known this line,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- so I've been going... - LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:54He's been doing this.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Tonight he doesn't do it.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I didn't do it tonight. So...
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Is Eileen Atkins free? Maggie Smith? Geraldine McEwan?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10What you're about to see here are prime examples of a very important
0:14:10 > 0:14:14part of the comedy making process, that we like to call:
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Clappy board.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- 346, take 4, A and B Cameras.- Then run out the way cos you shouldn't be
0:14:22 > 0:14:24in this, it'd look weird.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- I can see you out of the corner of my eye.- RICKY:- Shall I get out?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- No, it's all right. It's fine. - I can go anywhere, as long as Paul
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- can see me. Is that OK? - It's all right, I can cope with it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Can you see that? Cos I'm...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It's fine, it's fine, really.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Six- BLEEP- BAFTAs.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42RICKY LAUGHS
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- Three for performance, the other three for...- Shh, shut up.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50OK, settle down, and...action.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54BLEEP!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56It wasn't my fault. No-one look at me.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Slate 14, 61, take 2.
0:15:04 > 0:15:11- Oh, sorry.- Sorry.- Sorry. - Me again.- Sorry.- That was me.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13WHACK!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Be much better without the sound effects.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24CRUNCHING SOUND EFFECT
0:15:24 > 0:15:26There go me underpants again.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:40You're going to have to widen the shots, just to...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Just stop, just stop.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Well, I'm just saying. If you got 'em, you know, flaunt 'em.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:52What, what?
0:15:56 > 0:16:01- And just as you...- What? - Just be careful not to mask Jo,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- at the very beginning. - I try not to mask Jo.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I couldn't help being masked, I'm so slim.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Whooooa! Try doing that, honey!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Pavement. Cup. Pudding.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It's not that difficult.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Sometimes all it takes is just one word.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Relaxed. Tense.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Soft. Hard.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- No, no. - HE LAUGHS
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Tim Canterbury, Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Bishop Muzorewa.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50THEY LAUGH
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh, God!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01We've just heard that Swediss Mashage -
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Sorry, I'll repeat that again, if I may.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06We have just...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:12OK. We've just heard that Swediss Mashage Parlours Limited...
0:17:12 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- I can't tell if I'm saying it right. - I'll give you a hand.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22OK, I've got quite warm thinking about it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Right. We've just heard that Swediss...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:43We're absolutely sick of hearing that Swedish -
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- You said it right then. - I said it right.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Is that cos you're bald, is that why they call you Razor?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Is that cos you're bald, is that why they call you Razor?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Cos you're bald? - No.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56That's enough, isn't it? We can carry on.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Is that cos you're bald, is that why you're called Razor? Cos you're...
0:17:59 > 0:18:02THEY LAUGH
0:18:02 > 0:18:04This is madness.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I know you're not going to shoot me.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Is it what? - "Madness!"
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- How is he? - Touch and go.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Where was he shot?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Just near the bollards.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I'm going to move out of the halls of residence.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- DEEP VOICE:- Nooo!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:39 > 0:18:42APPLAUSE
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Comedy is easy.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49You just have to say all the right the words all in the.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Oh, hang on.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Where am I going, Tracy? And who with, eh?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- I wish I knew what I was going to say next.- I can't even help you.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Why don't you stick around, we'll talk it after over.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Or...we'll talk it over after.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Depends how you feel, all right?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Why don't you stick around and we'll talk it after over.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:19So we are, in a minute, once you say your line.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Once I say the line that I've completely forgotten.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Mother of Jesus!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Oh, I know what it is! - It doesn't matter now!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- It does appear that the problem lies with...- Yes?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35BLEEP.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Happy Birthday, Ritchie. - Oh, Eddie, you shouldn't have.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43You know I don't like anyone to make a f...
0:19:43 > 0:19:45HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:19:45 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- It's a rat. - Pigeon.- That's a rat.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52No, no, no, it's hamster.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It's a rat, of course, it's a rat. You have rats in Spain, don't you?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Or did Franco have them all shot?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- No, it's pigeon. - It's a rat!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It's not a pigeon, it's a hamster.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Clown in the woods!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I don't know, we ran off.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- MUMBLING:- "Oh, God, do you reckon he's a psychopath?"
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, God, do you reckon he's a psychopath?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Well, don't worry. I won't leave you to do it alone.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29That way, if they rush us, at least we won't be a dwindling minority.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I've no idea what I'm saying!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I've no idea what I'm saying. No idea...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Ladies, such unbearable privations.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- I know, and we have an, a-a-a... Oh, flipping- BLEEP BLEEP!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Gwen!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I can't do with being bundled up with too many clothes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50You don't seem to be any a-a-a, s-sh-sh-s...
0:20:50 > 0:20:54LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Nyip, nyip, nyip, nyip, nyip.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Thermos, sandwiches, er... Oh,- BLEEP.
0:21:10 > 0:21:16Corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, uh...
0:21:16 > 0:21:21animal footprint chart, and one triple-thick condom.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25You never know.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- Right, let's get into the... Oh,- BLEEP.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Now, it's vitally important the director remembers to say, "Cut".
0:21:34 > 0:21:37We all know what the secret of great comedy is.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Timing. There, got it.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- Are we running? - Speed.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Thomas. Thomas.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Thomas.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:31That's got to be enough.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:35 > 0:22:37HE LAUGHS
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Ah!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43HE LAUGHS
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48HE LAUGHS
0:22:48 > 0:22:54Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Ahh!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Ahh, ha-ha-ha. Ahhh!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:03 > 0:23:06More fun with inanimate objects now.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Who's at number one, prop pickers? Hmm.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Here we go, then, in...
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- three, two, one, action. - Oh!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Have you got any cocktails?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:32OK, ruffle your hair now. That's it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35And, I just want to, like that. That's it. And, like, it's...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42These are his bits and pieces.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Blimey, we're going inter... No, we're not going inter-railing.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50The pram got jammed in the doorway and it threw me.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Yeah, blame it on me.- I was worried about the safety of the child.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I say child...look at that horrible thing.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- LAUGHTER, BABY CRIES - Look at that!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Look at it!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05It was never like this on Outnumbered.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:12CUP SMASHES
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Was that filming? - Yes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16HE LAUGHS
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Huh!
0:24:29 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:34APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:41ENGINE STALLS
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Yet more unbelievable footage of grown adults
0:24:48 > 0:24:52refusing to take the serious business of comedy seriously.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Last of the Summer Wine, take 7.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:04I think it looks a little odd with the jacket on.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Did you see that?!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Did you see him nod at me?! And I went...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09HE LAUGHS
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Brilliant. Can you concentrate for a second?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I think it looks a little odd with the jacket.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:27He owns all this land, as far as the sparshly, er...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30He owns all this land, as far as the... What?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Partially sighted.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- He owns all this land as far as the sparsh...- BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"He owns all this land as far as the partially sighted eye can see."
0:25:42 > 0:25:47- He owns all this land as far as the partially sighted- BLEEP, BLEEP.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- Owns this land, what? Partially what?- Sighted.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56He owns this land as far as the partially sighted eye can see.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58We're just waiting for Miss Saunders.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03- Er... - Something we do quite a lot.- Yeah.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05She can be difficult!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07She's sweet and she's fun and we're terribly grateful
0:26:07 > 0:26:10and we love her dearly, but at this time of the evening,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13it gets a little bit tiring and she has to have a little bit of help.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- A little... - SHE SNORTS
0:26:15 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:21Now, darlings, I've worked with some great, great professionals.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23There are some actors out there that you work with
0:26:23 > 0:26:26who really can open doors for you.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- I can't open the- BLEEP- door!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Sorry, I couldn't get the- BLEEP- door.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Looks easy, doesn't it? Opening a door.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:14 > 0:27:19All right, stop fussing, then. Oh, dear, look, that's proper comedy.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:23At last, something funny.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Who's locked the door? Who has locked the door?
0:27:32 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Right.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44LAUGHTER
0:27:44 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And finally, as every comedian knows,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01if you don't know how to finish a show, just do a ruddy song.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Take it away.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Sem, any sep, hup, mm.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Is that the rap version?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Lar, lor, lar, lor.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Ooo-ooo, ee-ee-ee.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- Lulululu, lu. - Lulululu, lu.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27# Listen at ya' baby and you're coming all the way... #
0:28:27 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER