0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ho-ho-ho, let's pick up my guests.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06It's international megastar Dame Edna Everage,
0:00:06 > 0:00:09reigning America's Got Talent winner Paul Zerdin,
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Irish comedy hero Dara O Briain,
0:00:12 > 0:00:16the legendary Sir Tom Jones,
0:00:16 > 0:00:18singing sensation Ellie Goulding,
0:00:18 > 0:00:22and a whole host of Christmas treats and surprises
0:00:22 > 0:00:26tonight, on my Big Christmas Show.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# So here it is, merry Christmas
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# Everybody's having fun
0:00:37 > 0:00:42- # It's Christmas - Look to the future now
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# It's only just begun... #
0:00:46 > 0:00:52Ho-ho-ho-ho, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michael McIntyre.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:59# ..Merry Christmas Everybody's having fun
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# Look to the future now
0:01:03 > 0:01:10# It's only just begun... #
0:01:10 > 0:01:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Yes!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Whoa!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20HE LAUGHS
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
0:01:23 > 0:01:28welcome to Michael McIntyre's Big Christmas Show.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Thank you so much.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Thank you for coming. Now, is everybody OK?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39There are so many layers of people.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Are you OK at the top, everybody up there?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42CHEERING
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Very good. You there? The next one?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Yes, what about you guys? Come on!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Look at you!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Feeling that.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55So, this show,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58ladies and gentlemen, is going out on Christmas Day itself.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Christmas Day!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Yes. There's such a magic, isn't there, to that day.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It's very different doing a Christmas show leading up to Christmas,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09as opposed to doing it on Christmas Day.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12It's such a special, magical day, there's such a build-up to it
0:02:12 > 0:02:16that, when you're in it, you can't even believe that you're in it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20You know, you open the curtains and you're like, "That's my road..."
0:02:20 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:25"..on Christmas Day!"
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Sometimes you see other people.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31"Look at that man walking his dog...on Christmas Day!"
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"I'm having my morning pee...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"on Christmas Day!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Some of you, you visit relatives, you see other people
0:02:42 > 0:02:45in their cars. You look at them at the traffic lights, "Look at them...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47"on Christmas Day!"
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"There's an aeroplane in the sky...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"on Christmas Day!"
0:02:52 > 0:02:54This goes through the whole day,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57until you go to bed, when you're just drifting off to sleep going,
0:02:57 > 0:02:58"That's the end...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"of Christmas Day!"
0:03:00 > 0:03:04And then all the magic completely disappears overnight.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And the next day you're just walking along going,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"I'm going for a walk...
0:03:08 > 0:03:09"on Boxing Day."
0:03:12 > 0:03:16It's gone. The magic has gone!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And then, quite frankly,
0:03:21 > 0:03:26you are into the strangest six days of the whole year.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29It is six days, between Christmas Day
0:03:29 > 0:03:33and New Year's, where nobody quite knows what's going on, who they are,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35you don't even know what day it is.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38We get so confused by... They've started to change... The days
0:03:38 > 0:03:41aren't called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Now they're called,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44you know, Boxing Day, Christmas Eve, so you lose track of it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46And you're so full and hungover as well.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49People are just wandering around in a daze.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52"What day is it? I don't even know what day it is.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55"Are the shops open? Do the shops open?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"Have the sales started? I don't know what day it is.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02"Shall I start my diet today? Do I start it today?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"Is there post today? Does the post come back?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08"Can I park here today? What day is it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09"Can I park here?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"When do the bins get taken away?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"I've never had more rubbish in my life.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"Can I eat this bit of the turkey or is the turkey finished?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"Can I have this bit of the turkey?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"What time is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on?"
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Nobody knows what they're doing.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Also, all the stuff that you get for Christmas, what happens to it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I know we get big presents and it's exciting,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38but there are certain things that I don't remember throwing away
0:04:38 > 0:04:41but I never see them again after Christmas Day.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Everything I or anyone in my family has ever won in a cracker,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47where is it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Where does it go?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I have no recollection of binning it, but I've never had anybody...
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Nobody has experienced somebody at any stage of the year just saying
0:04:58 > 0:05:01anything along the lines of, "Does anyone fancy a game of mini cards?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02"Mini cards?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05"I find the full-sized deck a little bit overwhelming.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"Can we just play with the tiny cards?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"I'm almost at my baggage allowance
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"so I've brought my miniature cards that I won at Christmas.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"Why measure the whole carpet when we can measure this section
0:05:16 > 0:05:17"and guess the rest
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"with my mini tape measure I won at Christmas?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25"Does anyone have the tiniest amount of sewing I can attend to?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26"Not a lot of sewing.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"Not a rip or a tear, just a fray.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"So anyway, how are you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"Let me consult my mini coloured curly fish.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"Look, it's curling up at the sides.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"I'm jealous."
0:05:48 > 0:05:52So, I want to tell you, we're in for an absolutely sensational
0:05:52 > 0:05:54night's entertainment tonight. Are you up for that?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57CHEERING
0:05:57 > 0:06:01It's so lovely to be here amongst you. It's such a beautiful theatre
0:06:01 > 0:06:05and, I've got to be honest, there is, as you well know, a...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07HE GASPS There's a royal box.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11And just for fun, I thought I would write to Buckingham Palace and
0:06:11 > 0:06:14ask if there was any chance that the Queen herself could attend tonight.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16If you don't ask, you don't get.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Well, I did ask...and I didn't get.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22But amazingly, amazingly, I got a reply.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I actually got a reply from Buckingham Palace,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26so I thought I'd read this out for you.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Here we go. By Royal Appointment.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31AUDIENCE: Ooh...
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"Dear Michael, thank you so much for your kind invitation,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39"but Her Majesty has an engagement of national importance
0:06:39 > 0:06:41"that she simply must attend.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"However..."
0:06:43 > 0:06:45AUDIENCE: Ooh...
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"..Prince Philip is a huge admirer of Michael McIntyre,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"and indeed of Chinese comedy in general."
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:04"Therefore we have arranged to send the only other equally high-ranking
0:07:04 > 0:07:10"dignitary in the world to stand in for the Queen on this occasion."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Ladies and gentlemen,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16what an absolute privilege it is to welcome...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18FANFARE PLAYS
0:07:18 > 0:07:20It's Dame Edna!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh, dear.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Merry, merry Christmas, possums.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Oh, Michael, you are deservedly popular, darling.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Thank you.- You really, really are.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43The Queen sends her apologies. She couldn't be here tonight
0:07:43 > 0:07:47and the reason is that she actually didn't want to be here tonight.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53She said... She said, "Wild horses won't drag me to that show, Edna."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58She's a big fan of Michaels - Michael Flatley,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Michael Yorke, Michael Jackson, Michael Caine,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Princess Michael of Kent, Michaelmas.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10But she doesn't...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13She's actually never heard of YOU, Michael.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15She hasn't, I'm afraid.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17AUDIENCE: Aww...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I know!
0:08:18 > 0:08:23To me, you are all those Michaels rolled into one,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and when I say rolled, I mean ROLLED.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I do.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32- What?!- No.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38There's a beautiful atmosphere here tonight, and I'm in the royal box.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- You've never been here, have you? - I haven't.- Why would you?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I mean, under what circumstances would you be here?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Those Corgis have been here.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51There's been an orgi of Corgis here.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Look at that, Michael. - Urgh!- Disgusting!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56No!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04OK, Dame Edna, do you mind if I start the show?
0:09:04 > 0:09:09You may, darling. Please be my guest, and I'll sit here on the
0:09:09 > 0:09:12royal throne, which has a reclining facility.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15The Queen likes to have a little snooze
0:09:15 > 0:09:18during those Royal Command Performances.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21But wake me up if there's anything entertaining.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Bye!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26SHE LAUGHS
0:09:28 > 0:09:31What an absolute treat tonight, Dame Edna's with us.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39OK, so, Christmas is all about fun and games, and a little game
0:09:39 > 0:09:45that some of you may know that I like to play is called Send To All.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I have to say, this game is always hilarious,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51and we're going to play it tonight.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Basically, I need someone in the audience with a mobile telephone
0:09:54 > 0:09:56and a sense of humour.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I'm going to send a message of my choosing
0:09:59 > 0:10:00to every one of their contacts
0:10:00 > 0:10:03in their phone, just so you know what you're getting yourself into,
0:10:03 > 0:10:07and we'll see throughout the show what replies we get.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09So, who here is up for it?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Who wants to play Send To All tonight?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13If you just put your hand up...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Some people are putting other people's hands up.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Um, you are up for it. This is good.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22All right, I'm coming in, I'm coming down. I'm coming down.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- What's your name, my friend? - Dan.- Dan?- Yeah.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27- Dan, so, you're up for a laugh? - Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What do you do for a living, Dan?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Business development in a 24-hour call centre.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Business development in a 24-hour call centre?- Yeah.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40This basically means you're unemployed
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and you're waiting for the phone to ring.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48You're trying to develop your own business in what you're
0:10:48 > 0:10:51calling your 24-hour call centre.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56"Welcome to my home or, as I like to call it, my 24-hour call centre."
0:10:57 > 0:11:00All right. Maybe we shouldn't ring out on your phone that you're
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- waiting to ring. What's your name?- Ben.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Ben? What do you do for a living, Ben?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I'm a team leader of a sales company, basically.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Team leader?- Really. - Round of applause - team leader.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Yeah.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Ben, how many people are you leading, Ben?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19At the moment, there's about five or six.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Five or six? Yeah, about five or six? - About five...
0:11:21 > 0:11:25You haven't decided whether one of these people is a person?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28You would know if it was five or... You're leading...
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You're a leader of these people, Ben.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Every time you come in, "Is it five or six?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"I don't know. How many people am I leading?"
0:11:34 > 0:11:36All right, Ben, I'll take your phone.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You're an amazing sport, thank you so much.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Thank you so much for coming. All right.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Ben - he leads five or six people.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Um, really, you're a very good sport, Ben.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, good, there's no code or anything.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I'm just going to hand this phone
0:11:52 > 0:11:54to my team, who are going to work their Christmas magic to
0:11:54 > 0:11:57enable the phone to send to all. It needs an app, basically.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Hello. Thank you. Good one.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04You can tell so much, can't you, Ben, about somebody from their phone.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Wouldn't it be fun, I thought, for the whole audience,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11and excruciatingly embarrassing for Ben,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14if we could all see what's on his phone?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22If only there were some kind of a device that would enable...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:26..that situation.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Oh... Oh!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32What's this?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38OK, Ben, so this... It's a bit of a look into the future, really.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41This is actually the iPhone 18.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47The way things are going, this is how we're going to be behaving.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"Yeah, I've just picked up the new iPhone, it's amazing, yeah.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"No, there was, like, massive queues but it's huge,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"it's absolutely huge. I actually like it.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59"It doesn't fit in my pocket but I actually like it, yeah."
0:12:59 > 0:13:02OK, so let's get Ben's phone, and we're going to try
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and work some magic. Thank you very much.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07So, basically, I'm going to press a button here
0:13:07 > 0:13:13and with a little bit, a huge dollop of luck, this might pop up now.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:25Oh, Ben! Oh, Ben! This is your life, Ben.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30This is it, this is what goes on. What have we got here, then?
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Oh.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33PEOPLE SHOUT OUT
0:13:33 > 0:13:36What are you shouting? Tinder?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Is there Tinder there?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Oh, there is.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41I don't know how to work Tinder.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I don't know how to work it.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47MICHAEL SCREAMS
0:13:49 > 0:13:51How do you do it? What do I do?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53It's just your head pulsating.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Ben, are you in... Are you in a...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01No, someone's behind there going, "No. No."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Ben, are you in a relationship?- No.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06You're not in a relationship? OK.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Let's have a look at your photos. How do you get into photos?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Where are the photos? Photos! There it is. Argh!
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Whoa.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Last beers before he ruins his life."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27This is fun. You're a bit of a party animal, I like this.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh, is that... Is he getting married, or something?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Yeah, he's...- Yeah, that's nice and supportive(!)
0:14:34 > 0:14:37This is a gig you went to from a distance?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39This is just a view of a field.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Oh, this is nice, this is, it's the Thames.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Oh, my God, are you chasing this person?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Oh, goodness, what's happening?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:15:19 > 0:15:22# Risin' up Back on the streets
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# I took my time, took my chances
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# It's the EYE of the tiger
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# It's the thrill of the fight
0:15:31 > 0:15:35# As he gets to the challenge of his rivals
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# And the last known survivor is dead in the night
0:15:38 > 0:15:42# Ne-ne-na-na-na-na-na-agh-agh
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# Of the tiger. #
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Oh, my God, what's going on now?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Now you're going into outer space...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58..where you've been violently attacked.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh, yes, this is good.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I like a man who takes a photo of a Sunday roast.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06"Let's have it. Lots of 'tatoes, get it in.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"I've had a busy day, went to the moon,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13"did a couple of naked selfies, now let's get the carbs in."
0:16:13 > 0:16:16All right, I'm so sorry but this is too funny.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20What on earth is going on there?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22PEOPLE SHOUT OUT
0:16:34 > 0:16:37If that was your Tinder profile,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41can you imagine the kind of responses you'd get?
0:16:41 > 0:16:42What is that on your face?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Is that part of Halloween or something?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Yeah, the morning after Halloween.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48The morning after Halloween. All right, brilliant.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Let's play Send To All. What an amazing sport Ben is.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Let's send this message now. What do I... Messages, OK,
0:16:58 > 0:16:59here we go. All right.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03The text we're going to send, Ben, to everybody on your phone is,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07"Would you like...
0:17:07 > 0:17:11"to come round
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"on Christmas Day?"
0:17:16 > 0:17:18MICHAEL CHUCKLES
0:17:20 > 0:17:25"Need to know NOW...
0:17:27 > 0:17:31"..as I'm about to
0:17:31 > 0:17:35"order the turkey.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41"Hope you can make it. The more, the merrier". Let's really put this.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Right, OK, maybe we should... Oh, look, do you use these?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Recent...frequently used. OK.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Turkey, I'm just going to put turkey. Yeah? All right.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Now, apparently, all I do is I press this,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57and then it comes up, "send to all", and... Shall we send it?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00CHEERING
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Shall we send it, Ben?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Too late! OK.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08That is...gone!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh, thank you so much, Ben.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17All right. We will catch up on all your Christmas Day RSVPs
0:18:17 > 0:18:19later in the show. OK.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I'm so excited about my next act.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25She is a Brit-Award-winning,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28multimillion-album-selling pop sensation.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I love this girl, and I'm so pleased that she's on my show,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35what an honour, the magnificent Ellie Goulding is here.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:42 > 0:18:44MUSIC: O Holy Night
0:18:48 > 0:18:51# O holy night
0:18:51 > 0:18:55# The stars are brightly shining
0:18:55 > 0:19:02# It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth
0:19:03 > 0:19:11# Long lay the world in sin and error pining
0:19:11 > 0:19:17# Till he appears and my soul felt its worth
0:19:18 > 0:19:25# A thrill of hope The weary world rejoices
0:19:25 > 0:19:32# From yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
0:19:32 > 0:19:38# Fall on your knees
0:19:38 > 0:19:45# O hear the angel voices
0:19:45 > 0:19:52# O night divine
0:19:52 > 0:19:57# The night when Christ was born
0:19:59 > 0:20:02# When Christ was born
0:20:02 > 0:20:04# When Christ was born. #
0:20:04 > 0:20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:09MUSIC: Army
0:20:12 > 0:20:13# I know that I've been messed up
0:20:13 > 0:20:15# You never let me give up
0:20:15 > 0:20:16# All the nights and the fights
0:20:16 > 0:20:18# And the blood and the break-ups
0:20:18 > 0:20:21# You're always there to call up
0:20:21 > 0:20:24# I'm a pain, I'm a child I'm afraid
0:20:24 > 0:20:26# But yet you understand
0:20:26 > 0:20:28# Yeah, like no-one can
0:20:28 > 0:20:32# I know that we don't look like much
0:20:32 > 0:20:34# But no-one screws it up like us
0:20:34 > 0:20:37# Sixteen and you never even judged me
0:20:37 > 0:20:41# Matter of fact, always thought you were too cool for me
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# Sitting there in the caravan
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# All the nights we've been drunk on the floor
0:20:46 > 0:20:48# And yet you understand
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# Yeah, like no-one can
0:20:50 > 0:20:53# We both know what they say about us
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# But they don't stand a chance because
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- # When I'm with you - When I'm with you
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- # When I'm with you - When I'm with you
0:21:02 > 0:21:06# I'm standing with an army I'm standing with an army
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- # When I'm with you - When I'm with you
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- # When I'm with you - When I'm with you
0:21:13 > 0:21:16# I'm standing with an army
0:21:16 > 0:21:19# I'm standing with an army
0:21:19 > 0:21:21# Standing with an army
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# Standing with an army
0:21:24 > 0:21:27# Standing with an army
0:21:27 > 0:21:29# Standing with an army
0:21:29 > 0:21:31# I'm with you
0:21:31 > 0:21:32# Standing with an army
0:21:32 > 0:21:38# Standing with an army...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# Standing with an army
0:21:45 > 0:21:48# Oh, oh, oh, oh
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:21:51 > 0:21:54# Yeah, you understand
0:21:54 > 0:21:57# Yeah, like no-one can
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# We both know what they say about us
0:22:06 > 0:22:10# When I'm with you When I'm with you
0:22:10 > 0:22:14# I'm standing with an army
0:22:14 > 0:22:16# I'm standing with an army
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# When I'm with you
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# When I'm with you
0:22:21 > 0:22:25# I'm standing with an army
0:22:25 > 0:22:28# But they don't stand a chance because
0:22:31 > 0:22:34# I'm standing with you
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# I'm standing with you
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# I'm standing with you
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# Standing with an army
0:22:41 > 0:22:46# Standing with an army...
0:22:46 > 0:22:51# Standing with an army. #
0:22:52 > 0:22:54CHEERING
0:23:00 > 0:23:05The incredible Ellie Goulding, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. Wonderful.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Gorgeous. Sensational.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Oh, darling, did you enjoy the whole performance tonight?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Yes, it was lovely, Michael, it really was.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22I've done sell-out shows here, of course, to PAYING audiences.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:28How many of you possums paid tonight?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I rest my case.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37I notice there's two empty seats down there, it's terrible.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42I mean, we all get empty seats, Michael. I have found them
0:23:42 > 0:23:46in my audiences, but they're general pre-paid. They're seats purchased
0:23:46 > 0:23:51by elderly and wealthy people in advance, and then...
0:23:53 > 0:23:54..they die.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58If I'm honest with you, Dame Edna, there is
0:23:58 > 0:24:00a reason why these seats are empty.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I've been saving these two seats, um, for two people,
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Dame Edna, who are about to become a very big part of tonight's show.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Oh. - They just don't know it yet. OK?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13They have actually been set up,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17and they're having dinner right now across the road
0:24:17 > 0:24:21in an Italian restaurant, and I think that we can see them now.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25That's actually across the road from this theatre.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28So that is, let me tell you, Dean and Dawn Sotnick.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Their son and daughter have set them up and, well, I'm going to
0:24:32 > 0:24:35go and get them and we're going to put them in those seats
0:24:35 > 0:24:37and then have some fun with them.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39All they know is that they're eating Italian food,
0:24:39 > 0:24:44so let's see how that pans out. So I will be back.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I'm actually going to leave the theatre.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Isn't this daring, Michael? - It is daring, Dame Edna.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Hopefully, I'll be back with these people. OK, bear with me.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Here we go.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58All right, we're in the street, look at this,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01this is the actual street, so it's quiet.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05All right. Ah, here we are, so here's the restaurant.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08What is going on here?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I believe you might be called Dean, is that right?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- That's correct.- Oh, and are you Dawn? Is it Dean and Dawn?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Is it Michael and Vicky?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Hi, well, listen... Oh, hi, everyone in the restaurant.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It's a very intimate restaurant.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Sorry to interrupt but I'm here for Dean and Dawn.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I am... What are you enjoying here?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27There's a little bit of Parma ham.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It's that polite last bite, isn't it?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I'll have it, if you don't mind.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35So, listen, I'm actually doing a show across the road
0:25:35 > 0:25:38and dearest Michael and Vicky have organised a little surprise
0:25:38 > 0:25:41for you, that you're going to actually be in the show.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44It's taking place across the road at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47the whole audience are actually watching this right now.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50So all I'm going to ask you to do is if you'd like to come with me
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- and I'll take you across the road. - OK.- Thank God for that!
0:25:53 > 0:25:57All right, Dean and Dawn! Dean and Dawn, they're coming with me!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Come in, come on, Dean. Come on, Dean.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Let's bring your last bite.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Here we go.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06And wait, I've got Dean... I've only got Dean.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Dawn, darling. Come with me.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Dean, take your Parma ham. DEAN MUTTERS
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Yes. No don't worry. We're going to cover the bill.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And even if we don't, it's show business, we'll always win.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18All right.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21You seem like wonderful people and you deserve
0:26:21 > 0:26:24a place in my audience, so if you'd just like to step this way.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- OK.- Here we are.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Follow me.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Follow me, Dean.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Here we have them, Dean and Dawn. This way.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40This is my audience.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46All right, here we go.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Dean and Dawn!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52There you go, guys. If you'd just like to take a seat here.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Number six and number five.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57We now have a full house, ladies and gentlemen,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59it's Dean and Dawn Sotnick!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oh, bless him.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09He's still got a little bite of Parma ham.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12So, tell me about why you're in London tonight.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Our son lives in London and works in London, and we've just come up
0:27:15 > 0:27:19for a meal and a bit of shopping and...have a family day.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Well, I'll let you calm down and relax.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23We probably will be chatting to you a bit later on.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- OK.- We have a full house, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Dean and Dawn Sotnick are in the house!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Go on, Dean, have your last bite of Parma ham.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Go on. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40next, we have a very exciting television exclusive.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42He's British, brilliantly gifted
0:27:42 > 0:27:45and has just been crowned the winner of America's Got Talent.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Please welcome the wonderful Paul Zerdin, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Paul Zerdin.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Thank you very much indeed, Michael. Great to be here.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Hello, good evening! Tonight, especially for you,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08I'm going to be doing some ventriloquism for you.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10AUDIENCE: Ooh...
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I'm going to come down into the audience
0:28:12 > 0:28:15and I need some people to help me up here on stage.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I love going into the audience.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19NERVOUS LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:24I'm looking for a couple that look very much like Dean and Dawn.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28It's Dean and Dawn, everybody.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Come and join me, you two.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Dean and Dawn.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Thank you so much, Dean. Great to meet you, Dawn.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45And if you just go that way there. OK, Dawn.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47You just go that way there,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50that's it. Take your clothes off and then, um, we'll see...
0:28:54 > 0:28:56But, you know, ventriloquism is a very strange thing
0:28:56 > 0:28:59and I know a lot of you are sitting there thinking, "What a freak!"
0:28:59 > 0:29:01It takes a long time to become a fr...a ventriloquist,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04and whenever I can do it I can't stop doing it -
0:29:04 > 0:29:05anywhere, any time, any place.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08If I see a young mother walking down the street with a baby in a pram,
0:29:08 > 0:29:11I'll ask her how old the baby is, she's says whatever, three months,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13then I do this. Hello!
0:29:13 > 0:29:15HE MIMICS A BABY GURGLING
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- Hello. - HE MIMICS A BABY MUTTERING
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Hello!
0:29:19 > 0:29:21- IN CHILD'S VOICE:- Hello!
0:29:28 > 0:29:29Ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:29 > 0:29:34would you please give it up for my two new dummies, it's Dean and Dawn!
0:29:44 > 0:29:47And we're going to find you a voice. We're going to start with you, Dawn,
0:29:47 > 0:29:48a voice that we can have some fun with.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50OK. What about this one, are you OK?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52- DEEP MALE VOICE:- Yes, I am.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:29:56 > 0:29:58But I like it.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01No, no. I was only joking, I'll change it.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- Yeah, change it now.- OK. Let's find you a nice feminine voice.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07- What about this one? - SMOOTH FEMALE VOICE:- Hello.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12- You like that?- Oh, yes. I like that, yes, yes.- You're OK?
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- I'm going to talk to Dean now. - Good luck.
0:30:15 > 0:30:16Are you OK?
0:30:16 > 0:30:17- POSH MALE VOICE:- Don't touch me.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Do you mind just leaving us alone for a moment?
0:30:24 > 0:30:25- Pardon?- Just leave us alone.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Don't go.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30I'm not quite sure, I don't quite know what you mean.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Well, just let me explain.
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Get lost.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37Maybe I could just sit here?
0:30:37 > 0:30:39- Just sit there.- Just there.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Just there.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Look, I've pointed.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47I've got the hang of this.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52- I'm going to sit here.- Yes. Just there.- Oh, finally.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:55 > 0:30:59I've got a question. How the hell are you controlling us?
0:30:59 > 0:31:02I've got this little remote control in my hand here.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- My goodness, that's amazing. - Look at that, darling.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Every time he wiggles his fingers, my lips move.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11LAUGHTER
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Good one, yes.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Well, I must say, I'm enjoying this, I think I might stand up now.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Any second now.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26I'm going to take a slightly closer look at the audience.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28Here I go, that's it.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31I'm going to walk towards the edge of the stage, not too close.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Health and safety and all that crap.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37I might wave at the audience now.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Hello, everyone. Hello.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47- Merry Christmas to you all.- Darling, while you're there...- Yes, darling?
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Why don't you do your little Christmas party trick?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Yes, that's a great idea.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59It's the one where I turn my back on the audience...
0:32:00 > 0:32:02..like that,
0:32:02 > 0:32:04I lean forward
0:32:04 > 0:32:06and I wiggle my bum.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09CHEERING
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- All right, sit down now, darling. - OK, yes.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17I couldn't wait to get back on the seat.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19It's my turn now.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24I'm going to stand up.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I'm going to walk behind the stool.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30This one here.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34I'm going to pick up this lovely piece of mistletoe,
0:32:34 > 0:32:38like so, I'm going to walk over to Mr Zerdin.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41That's... I'm going to go the long way around.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46I'm going to walk over to Paul Zerdin, the ventriloquist!
0:32:46 > 0:32:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:53 > 0:32:56I'm going to hold it above his head
0:32:56 > 0:32:59and I'm going to give him a big kiss.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01Mwah!
0:33:09 > 0:33:13Listen, I just want to thank you. You've been absolutely terrific.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15We're not finished yet.
0:33:15 > 0:33:16- You're not finished?- Oh, no.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- Really? I've got to wind things up. - No, no.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22You see, the thing is, we're big, big fans
0:33:22 > 0:33:25of the TV show Strictly Come Dancing.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31That's right.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34We'd very much like to recreate that show here tonight.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Wouldn't we, darling?
0:33:39 > 0:33:41We certainly would.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44And we'd like to do it naked.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Well, would you please welcome, from Strictly,
0:33:48 > 0:33:52it's Aljaz and Janette!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:34:02 > 0:34:06Thank you so much for doing this, guys.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08I believe you're getting married. That's very exciting.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Congratulations.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:13 > 0:34:16I wish you the best of luck. So, listen, have you had a good time?
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Oh, yes, I've had a terrific time,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21even though my eyes tell a different story.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24And, what about you, Dean?
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Yes, yes, I've had such a great time I'm going to have to stand up now
0:34:27 > 0:34:29and tell you how much of a great time I've had.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33- Darling, would you join me? - I'd love to, darling, yes.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35So, how much of a good time have you had?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Well, to be honest, I've had the time of my life.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42MUSIC: I've Had The Time Of My Life
0:34:49 > 0:34:50Oh, I like this.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Oh, he's got such firm buttocks.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02CHEERING
0:35:16 > 0:35:18What about that, guys? Wasn't that just amazing?
0:35:18 > 0:35:21CHEERING
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Aljaz and Janette, ladies and gentlemen.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Let me take this off you.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Guys, you have to take a bow.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35You've been truly, truly amazing. Thank you so much.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39Thank you. It's Dean and Dawn, ladies and gentlemen.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Zerdin, thank you so much.
0:35:45 > 0:35:46You've been a lovely audience.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Have a very, very merry Christmas. Good night.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Paul Zerdin, ladies and gentlemen!
0:36:01 > 0:36:04OK, it's time. Ben, are you still here? Brilliant. I have your phone.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05It is in my possession.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08I haven't looked at it, I've just been handed it.
0:36:08 > 0:36:14All I can tell you is what I've been told, which is there are 29 messages.
0:36:14 > 0:36:19The message was, "Would you like to come round on Christmas Day?
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"Hope you can make it." OK. Who's Katie Bottoms?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- Oh, my goodness, Katie Bottoms? - She's a friend from uni.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27A friend from uni? Is that her real name? Bottoms?
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- Yeah, genuinely, her surname is Bottoms.- OK.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- And are you quite friendly with her? - I was.- You were? OK.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35LAUGHTER
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I'd like to give a little bit of a status update on your relationship.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40"Sorry, who is this?"
0:36:40 > 0:36:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:44 > 0:36:47But, then, amazingly, two kisses.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50She just dishes out the kisses, she doesn't even care.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53I don't even know that geezer. Mwah! Mwah!
0:36:53 > 0:36:55I love Katie Bottoms.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58All right, what else have we got here? We've got Scott Rowe.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02- Jodie. Who's Jodie? - She's one of my best mates.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05Aw! "Hey, babes." Aw, she knows who you are.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07"Sorry, probably not.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12"Me already got a day planned with my gang here.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16"Thanks, though." Triple kiss! Aw! So sweet.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Oh, my God, who's Dan Henry?
0:37:19 > 0:37:21He's one of my work colleagues, one of my team.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23- He's one of the six? - He could be five or six.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25He is one of the chosen five or six.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Um... Oh, dear.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29Do you know much about Dan Henry?
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- I know enough about him. - You know enough about him?
0:37:31 > 0:37:35- I don't want to know any more. - OK, he's actually texted twice.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38The first one was, "Yes, mate.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41"Definitely wasn't looking forward to Christmas alone."
0:37:41 > 0:37:43AUDIENCE: Aw...
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Don't. It actually gets worse. It gets worse.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50The second text is actually,
0:37:50 > 0:37:52"Can I bring my mum?"
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Oh, no, now he actually has...
0:37:59 > 0:38:01This is awful, he actually has to come.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Dan Henry can never know this was a joke.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07He's already making plans.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- He can come.- He can come?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Oh, my God, he's got to come.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14"Of course. Bring your mum.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20"Bring the whole fam."
0:38:22 > 0:38:27In fact, I might send him that picture of your roast potatoes.
0:38:31 > 0:38:36I'm going to do that. Add photo. I'm going through the library.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Oh, which one is it? There it is, there it is. I've got it.
0:38:39 > 0:38:40I've got it.
0:38:40 > 0:38:45Aw, Dan. I'm going to send that. "Of course, bring the whole fam.
0:38:45 > 0:38:51"Here's a photo of some potatoes you can expect if you come round."
0:38:51 > 0:38:53OK, let's do a few more and move on.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Um, Jodie, Nick... Um, Nick...
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Mikhail.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01- Mikhail.- Who's Mikhail? - He's our IT director.- Oh, OK.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03He is one of the six.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06OK. "Thanks, Benny Ben." Lovely.
0:39:06 > 0:39:11"It's much appreciated, but I've organised something already. Sorry."
0:39:11 > 0:39:13But you're the team leader, aren't you?
0:39:13 > 0:39:15- I am but he is a bit higher than me. He's higher than me.- Oh.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18He's being polite, I think.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20He's a bit higher than you but you're the team leader?
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- Yeah, he's one of the directors. - He's one of the directors.
0:39:23 > 0:39:24"I quit."
0:39:36 > 0:39:38It's too much.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Oh, no, I'm going to put another one.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42I'm going to put the potatoes again.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44"How can you say no to these?"
0:39:46 > 0:39:49There you go. Potatoes.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53"Nobody declines my tats.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00"Nobody declines my tats."
0:40:00 > 0:40:03Oh, no, it changed it to "rats", and I sent it.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08I'll change it back. "Nobody declines my tats."
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Oh, my God.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12OK.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16- Oh. Charlie Rapson?- He plays on my football team.- Yeah, OK.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18He's quite, um...
0:40:18 > 0:40:20He's quite matter of fact, isn't he?
0:40:20 > 0:40:23"If it's a joke, I don't get it."
0:40:30 > 0:40:31All right, OK, ladies and gentlemen,
0:40:31 > 0:40:34I cannot believe what a sport this gentleman is.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36It's Ben, ladies and gentlemen.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Amazing. Amazing.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41OK. Dame Edna's still here.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dame Edna.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49Darling, how are you enjoying the fun we've been having tonight?
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Michael, is it going on for much longer? That's what I need to know.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54I'm enjoying every second of it,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57though. What a clever little boy you are.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00You know, I'm hungry, though, I'm famished.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03- Luckily, I have an entourage. Do you have an entourage?- I do not.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Well, I do. A pastry chef
0:41:06 > 0:41:08and a gynaecologist.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13And I want you to meet my little pastry cook now.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15You've got somebody with you?
0:41:15 > 0:41:18I've brought her with me tonight and you're going to adore her.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Let's hear it, possums, for Nadiya Hussain.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Here she is!
0:41:24 > 0:41:26No-o-o!
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Isn't she adorable?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Look at that.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Oh, you darling thing.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41Now, you won something very important on a show, didn't you?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44- What show was that?- I did. You may not have heard of it.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47- It's called the Bake Off. - The Bake Off?- Yeah.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
0:41:50 > 0:41:52What have you got in that basket?
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Well, I heard you were hungry so I've brought you some mince pies.
0:41:55 > 0:42:00Oh, scrummy. But I'm on a vegan cleanse at the moment.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04Yeah, these are free from everything, gluten free,
0:42:04 > 0:42:08- sugar free, so they will keep you regular.- Um...- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11- Listen, this is a family show, darling.- Yeah.
0:42:13 > 0:42:16- We have to think of the destitute at Christmas.- Yes.
0:42:16 > 0:42:21- And there are some destitute people here.- Folks down there?
0:42:21 > 0:42:27All the way up there. Almost stuck to the ceiling, like little bats.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30Hello, paupers. Hello, paupies.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Listen to their wistful cry.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36We should probably give them some. Michael, you don't need mince pies?
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Would you be so kind as to give the cheap seats some mince pies?
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Do you want some mince pies from Nadiya?
0:42:41 > 0:42:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:43 > 0:42:47- Thank you so much, Nadiya.- Thank you. - What a pleasure to have you here.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50- Thank you for baking for us. Wow. Wow.- Thank you.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Ladies and gentlemen, he is simply one of the funniest
0:42:55 > 0:42:57and most-beloved comedians around.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Fresh from selling out theatres across the land,
0:42:59 > 0:43:02please give a big Christmas welcome to Ireland's finest,
0:43:02 > 0:43:05it's the wonderful Dara O Briain is here.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:13 > 0:43:15All right? Good evening.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Good evening and merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Happy Christmas.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23It is a delight to be here, ladies and gentlemen,
0:43:23 > 0:43:25a joy to be with you on this most special of days.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29A day for us to see the world for once through children's eyes.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32Swimming pools are a good example of a thing where kids...
0:43:32 > 0:43:35We've ruined swimming pools, as grown-ups,
0:43:35 > 0:43:37and kids have exactly the right... Kids see the swimming pool,
0:43:37 > 0:43:40they're like, "Yeah, I can enter at any point
0:43:40 > 0:43:42"and when I'm in there, I can go in whatever direction I want,
0:43:42 > 0:43:46"up, down, left, right, I'm floating, I'm farting, I'm peeing, I'm splashing,
0:43:46 > 0:43:48"I'm doing whatever I wanted to do, ever,
0:43:48 > 0:43:51"in the zero-gravity, frictionless environment."
0:43:51 > 0:43:53We, in our lanes,
0:43:53 > 0:43:56slowly advancing on the wall.
0:43:56 > 0:43:58Touching the wall.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01And then turning around, and going to the other wall.
0:44:01 > 0:44:05The prison yard of the swimming pool experience.
0:44:05 > 0:44:06Meanwhile, you know...
0:44:06 > 0:44:10The worst thing about swimming in a lane, if you're in a hotel, having a little swim
0:44:10 > 0:44:12and on the other side of the row of coasters,
0:44:12 > 0:44:15there's a family of kids going bananas with delight,
0:44:15 > 0:44:19and you're there going, "No, you're using it wrong."
0:44:19 > 0:44:23The worst thing about swimming in a lane
0:44:23 > 0:44:26is when somebody else joins your lane.
0:44:28 > 0:44:30Cos people don't swim at the same speed,
0:44:30 > 0:44:32because otherwise it wouldn't be a sport.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35So, now you're either slowly catching up with them
0:44:35 > 0:44:37or they are slowly catching up with you,
0:44:37 > 0:44:40and, Jesus, the tension is unbearable!
0:44:40 > 0:44:43You only came in for 30 minutes of cardio.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46Now I'm in the bloody Hunger Games.
0:44:47 > 0:44:50In life, there are tiny variations of stuff you don't care about
0:44:50 > 0:44:53or stuff you wish you didn't have to know.
0:44:53 > 0:44:57Like the first time any of us learn that trainers, runners, sneakers,
0:44:57 > 0:44:58whatever you want to call them,
0:44:58 > 0:45:02are stitched by eight-year-old children in the Third World.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05And you hear this and you go home to your own eight-year-old,
0:45:05 > 0:45:07and go, "Look...
0:45:07 > 0:45:09"at the quality of work...
0:45:11 > 0:45:14"..that these children are producing,
0:45:14 > 0:45:18"compared to the rubbish you're bringing back from that school."
0:45:19 > 0:45:21A rocket made out of cardboard tubes.
0:45:21 > 0:45:24WHAT am I supposed to do with that?
0:45:24 > 0:45:27I can run in these. You see that there?
0:45:27 > 0:45:30"Make me a shoe and I will put it on the fridge.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33"Do we understand each other?"
0:45:38 > 0:45:42I'll give you a Christmas story. A genuine Christmas story.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44I went... A nicer story.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47I went, about two years ago, to buy my wife a Christmas present
0:45:47 > 0:45:50in one of the major department stores.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52Legally, on these kind of shows, you always have to be really
0:45:52 > 0:45:54careful about naming specific shops.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57For the sake of argument, we'll call it Selfridges,
0:45:57 > 0:45:59because it was Selfridges.
0:45:59 > 0:46:02It happened in Selfridges on Oxford Street.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04They've got all these jewellery concessions.
0:46:04 > 0:46:06And I went in one of those to buy a present.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09I looked at a necklace and some earrings and go,
0:46:09 > 0:46:11"What will I get? What will I buy her?"
0:46:11 > 0:46:14And, eventually I said, "I'm going to take the necklace."
0:46:14 > 0:46:17I called the woman and said, "I'll take the necklace, please."
0:46:17 > 0:46:20And the woman walks off and goes, "No problem at all,"
0:46:20 > 0:46:22takes the necklace off me to box it and bag it
0:46:22 > 0:46:23and get it ready as a gift.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26I'm standing there looking at the earrings that are left,
0:46:26 > 0:46:28which are part of the same set.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31Do you know what, that would make a nicer gift if I got them as well.
0:46:31 > 0:46:32They're part of the same set.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34It's been a long year of travel and work,
0:46:34 > 0:46:37that'd be a lovely thing if we could just do that.
0:46:37 > 0:46:38So, when the woman comes over again,
0:46:38 > 0:46:42I go, "I'm also going to take the earrings."
0:46:42 > 0:46:44And not a word of a lie,
0:46:44 > 0:46:46the woman in the Selfridges jewellery concession
0:46:46 > 0:46:49looks at me and genuinely goes,
0:46:49 > 0:46:51"And are these...
0:46:51 > 0:46:53"for the same lady?"
0:46:59 > 0:47:05And, suddenly, I am transported to a world of sexual sophistication...
0:47:07 > 0:47:09..that I am ill-equipped to carry off.
0:47:09 > 0:47:13Your James Bond type would know what to say at this moment,
0:47:13 > 0:47:16whereas I'm there going, "Erm, oh, ah."
0:47:16 > 0:47:20"Hmm. Could be yours, if you play your cards right!"
0:47:20 > 0:47:24And, Jesus, does every department of Selfridges do this?
0:47:24 > 0:47:27If I'm in the home goods department and I go,
0:47:27 > 0:47:30"I know I've already bought the Clairol foot spa
0:47:30 > 0:47:35"but I'm also going to get the Breville sandwich-maker as well,"
0:47:35 > 0:47:37are they just trained to go,
0:47:37 > 0:47:39"And is this...
0:47:39 > 0:47:41"for the same lady?"
0:47:49 > 0:47:52"No, I've a bit on the side, and after we have a shag,
0:47:52 > 0:47:54"she loves a ham-and-cheese toastie."
0:48:00 > 0:48:02May I wish you the happiest of Christmases.
0:48:02 > 0:48:05It's been absolutely delightful. I'm Dara O Briain.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08Thank you very much. See you again. Thank you.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12Yeah! Dara O Briain, ladies and gentlemen.
0:48:12 > 0:48:13Wonderful.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17So, it's quite extraordinary here.
0:48:17 > 0:48:22Cos you've got these sort of jewel, symmetrical Christmas trees.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24But I don't know if there's actually anything in these.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27Are these genuine presents, do you think?
0:48:27 > 0:48:29MUSICAL RINGTONE What is that?
0:48:29 > 0:48:31Hello?
0:48:31 > 0:48:33Ssh-ssh. Lilibet. Hello, darling.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35(It's the Queen, it's the Queen.)
0:48:35 > 0:48:37The Queen is on the phone?
0:48:37 > 0:48:39I can't talk now, darling.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41No, no, you were wise to miss it.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46What's going on on Downton?
0:48:47 > 0:48:50Mr Carson has done what?!
0:48:51 > 0:48:52With a fish fork?
0:48:52 > 0:48:54Who to?
0:48:54 > 0:48:57I can't talk about it now. I'll have to go.
0:48:57 > 0:48:58Bye, darling, bye.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01You've got the Queen in your phone,
0:49:01 > 0:49:03and Nadiya is your personal pastry chef?
0:49:03 > 0:49:06Dame Edna, is there any chance I could maybe borrow that phone
0:49:06 > 0:49:09- and we could try and...- Well...
0:49:11 > 0:49:15Please, anything you find out must go no further.
0:49:15 > 0:49:16Nadiya,
0:49:16 > 0:49:20- take my phone, take it down to Michael.- Is that all right, Nadiya?
0:49:20 > 0:49:22- Thank you so much.- She's coming.
0:49:22 > 0:49:26Ladies and gentlemen, a very generous Dame Edna Everage,
0:49:26 > 0:49:28personal friend of the Queen.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30CHEERING
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Thank you so much, Nadiya.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36- So nice to meet you. How are you, Nadiya?- I'm all right.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39So, I've got questions for you, if you don't mind, after the Bake Off
0:49:39 > 0:49:41and all the success and everything.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45- Yeah.- So, this was watched by how many people?- 15.1 million.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48- 15.1 million people watched you win...?- Yeah.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50And is that the most-watched show?
0:49:50 > 0:49:53I think it's the most-watched show this year.
0:49:53 > 0:49:56Well, you know, it's six days till the New Year,
0:49:56 > 0:49:59- and I'm feeling rather confident. - Good luck.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02- Thanks for coming and bringing me Dame Edna's phone.- Thank you.
0:50:02 > 0:50:03It's lovely Nadiya!
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Yay!
0:50:05 > 0:50:07All right...
0:50:08 > 0:50:11OK, Dame Edna, brace yourself, darling.
0:50:11 > 0:50:13Oh...
0:50:13 > 0:50:15Yay!
0:50:15 > 0:50:18OK, let's have a look at these contacts.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20Yes... Ooh, these are all your...
0:50:20 > 0:50:22these are all your people.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24Ooh!
0:50:25 > 0:50:26Oh!
0:50:26 > 0:50:29This is an incredible phone book, Dame Edna.
0:50:29 > 0:50:31But that's just the B-list!
0:50:31 > 0:50:33The Dalai Lama?
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Yes!
0:50:35 > 0:50:37You know the Dalai Lama?
0:50:37 > 0:50:39He rings me for spiritual advice.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44This is amazing. Kim Kardashian, that's an exciting one.
0:50:44 > 0:50:45- Well...- You know Kim?
0:50:45 > 0:50:48- She's a friend of mine and she's a lovely girl.- Oh.
0:50:48 > 0:50:50There is a "but"...
0:50:50 > 0:50:53Rather a large one, unfortunately!
0:50:55 > 0:50:58All right, OK. I don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:50:58 > 0:51:01I think this calls for phone calls, what do you think?
0:51:01 > 0:51:03CHEERING
0:51:03 > 0:51:06If Nadiya is your personal pastry chef,
0:51:06 > 0:51:08- who on earth could be your pizza delivery boy?- Mm.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10Well...
0:51:10 > 0:51:11let's find out.
0:51:13 > 0:51:15DAME EDNA LAUGHS
0:51:15 > 0:51:17MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:51:17 > 0:51:18Oh, my God!
0:51:18 > 0:51:21CHEERING
0:51:22 > 0:51:25It's Gino D'Acampo!
0:51:29 > 0:51:32Do you deliver her pizzas?
0:51:32 > 0:51:36I always deliver her pizza at this time of night. Always.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38Gino, what's underneath that apron?
0:51:38 > 0:51:41Is very little under here - nothing, look!
0:51:41 > 0:51:44Oh, my goodness me, Dame Edna.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46I do like him like that.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49Gino, would you like to wish a merry Christmas...
0:51:49 > 0:51:50Let me show you the audience. Can you see...?
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Oh, look, it's the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57Say hello to pizza delivery boy Gina D'Acampo.
0:51:57 > 0:51:59Buon Natale - merry Christmas.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01Merry Christmas!
0:52:01 > 0:52:04Oh, good Lord.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06OK, well, I have to be honest,
0:52:06 > 0:52:09I did notice when I was going through this phone,
0:52:09 > 0:52:11um, a little name here -
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Sir Tom Jones.
0:52:15 > 0:52:18- Now, I am a huge fan of Sir Tom.- Oh!
0:52:18 > 0:52:22Let's FaceTime him and see where he might be.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24CHEERING
0:52:28 > 0:52:29LAUGHTER
0:52:29 > 0:52:32- Tom?- Dame Edna?
0:52:32 > 0:52:33- No, it's...- Oh, darling!
0:52:33 > 0:52:36It's Michael McIntyre, you're supposed to be on my show, Tom!
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Don't worry, I'll be there. Just announce me.
0:52:39 > 0:52:44All right - ladies and gentlemen, Sir Tom Jones!
0:52:49 > 0:52:51MUSIC: Raise A Ruckus
0:52:54 > 0:52:58# Come along, little children Come along
0:52:58 > 0:53:01# While the moon is shining bright
0:53:03 > 0:53:04# Get on board
0:53:04 > 0:53:06# Down the river float
0:53:06 > 0:53:10# Raise a ruckus tonight
0:53:11 > 0:53:14# I love my wife, I love my baby
0:53:16 > 0:53:18# I love my biscuits dippin' in gravy
0:53:20 > 0:53:23# Save me the ham bone Give me the gravy
0:53:24 > 0:53:27# I love my biscuits sopped in gravy
0:53:29 > 0:53:33# Come along, little children Come along
0:53:33 > 0:53:36# While the moon is shining bright
0:53:38 > 0:53:39# Get on board
0:53:39 > 0:53:41# Down the river float
0:53:41 > 0:53:45# Raise a ruckus tonight
0:53:45 > 0:53:49# Now, when I die won't you bury me deep?
0:53:51 > 0:53:53# Put molasses on my head and my feet
0:53:55 > 0:53:57# Put them flapjacks in my hand
0:53:59 > 0:54:02# All the way to the Promised Land
0:54:03 > 0:54:07# Come along, children, come along
0:54:08 > 0:54:11# While the moon is shining bright
0:54:13 > 0:54:15# Get on board
0:54:15 > 0:54:17# Down the river float
0:54:17 > 0:54:20# Raise a ruckus tonight
0:54:21 > 0:54:24# Now, some folks say that a preacher don't steal
0:54:25 > 0:54:28# Well, I caught one in my cornfield
0:54:30 > 0:54:32# One had a bushel The other had a peck
0:54:34 > 0:54:36# One had a rooster around his neck
0:54:39 > 0:54:42# Come along, little children Come along
0:54:43 > 0:54:46# While the moon is shining bright
0:54:46 > 0:54:49# Get on board
0:54:49 > 0:54:51# Down the river float
0:54:51 > 0:54:54# Raise a ruckus tonight
0:54:56 > 0:54:59# Come along, little children Come along
0:55:01 > 0:55:03# While the moon is shining bright
0:55:05 > 0:55:06# Get on board
0:55:06 > 0:55:09# Down the river float
0:55:09 > 0:55:13# Raise a ruckus tonight
0:55:13 > 0:55:17# Come along, little children Come along
0:55:18 > 0:55:21# While the moon is shining bright
0:55:23 > 0:55:24# Get on board
0:55:24 > 0:55:26# Down the river float
0:55:26 > 0:55:29# Raise a ruckus tonight
0:55:29 > 0:55:33# Why don't we raise a ruckus tonight?
0:55:34 > 0:55:39# Come on and raise a ruckus tonight. #
0:55:39 > 0:55:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:41 > 0:55:43Yeah!
0:55:45 > 0:55:47Whoo! Thank you.
0:55:47 > 0:55:50Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55Yo!
0:55:55 > 0:55:56Oh, what a reaction!
0:55:56 > 0:55:59Absolutely incredible.
0:55:59 > 0:56:02A legend - Sir Tom Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05OK.
0:56:05 > 0:56:07So, it's a big moment here for Ben.
0:56:07 > 0:56:11Please, join me on stage, Ben, what an absolute sport.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Come on, let's hear it for Ben!
0:56:13 > 0:56:15CHEERING
0:56:15 > 0:56:16This boy's been through it!
0:56:16 > 0:56:18Oh, thank you so much - a legend.
0:56:18 > 0:56:20Stay on stage with us for the finale.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23OK. Just stand over here. In fact, take a bow.
0:56:23 > 0:56:25Take a bow. Thank you, take a bow.
0:56:25 > 0:56:27CHEERING
0:56:27 > 0:56:29Yes.
0:56:29 > 0:56:33Please give it up for everybody who's made it so special.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35We've had... Oh, Dean and Dawn come up as well!
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Come on, Dean and Dawn.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40Dean and Dawn, ladies and gentlemen! They were having dinner.
0:56:40 > 0:56:44If you'd just like to stand over here - thank you so much.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46Take a bow, take a bow.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48OK, from Strictly Come Dancing, of course,
0:56:48 > 0:56:51we had Aljaz and Janette, they were here, Aljaz and Janette.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54Take a bow. CHEERING
0:56:54 > 0:56:56Whoo! Yes, why not?
0:56:57 > 0:56:59Oh, what a delight -
0:56:59 > 0:57:02it was the winner of the Great British Bake Off, Nadiya Hussain.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04CHEERING
0:57:04 > 0:57:06Whoo!
0:57:06 > 0:57:09And, of course the wonderful Mr Paul Zerdin, what about that?
0:57:09 > 0:57:11Paul Zerdin.
0:57:11 > 0:57:13He's a winner.
0:57:13 > 0:57:17Oh, the truly wonderful Ellie Goulding. Ellie, darling.
0:57:17 > 0:57:20Oh. Divine!
0:57:20 > 0:57:24And please give it up for Dara O Briain was here. Dara!
0:57:24 > 0:57:26CHEERING
0:57:26 > 0:57:28And ladies and gentlemen,
0:57:28 > 0:57:31all the way from Buckingham Palace,
0:57:31 > 0:57:34Miss Dame Edna Everage!
0:57:34 > 0:57:36CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:57:40 > 0:57:43CHEERING INTENSIFIES
0:57:43 > 0:57:44Absolutely fantastic.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47Ladies and gentlemen, playing us out tonight,
0:57:47 > 0:57:51of course, it's the one and only Sir Tom Jones!
0:57:51 > 0:57:53CHEERING
0:57:58 > 0:58:01# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
0:58:01 > 0:58:04# Had a very shiny nose
0:58:05 > 0:58:08# And if you ever saw him
0:58:08 > 0:58:11# You would even say it glows
0:58:11 > 0:58:14# All of the other reindeers
0:58:14 > 0:58:18# Used to laugh and call him names
0:58:19 > 0:58:22# They wouldn't let poor Rudolph
0:58:22 > 0:58:25# Join in any reindeer games
0:58:26 > 0:58:29# Then one foggy Christmas Eve
0:58:29 > 0:58:31# Santa came to say
0:58:33 > 0:58:36# Rudolph, with your nose so bright
0:58:36 > 0:58:40# Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
0:58:40 > 0:58:42# How the reindeer loved him
0:58:44 > 0:58:47# And then they shouted out with glee
0:58:47 > 0:58:51# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
0:58:51 > 0:58:54# You'll go down in history
0:58:54 > 0:58:56# Yeah!
0:58:56 > 0:59:00- # Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer - All right!
0:59:00 > 0:59:04# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
0:59:04 > 0:59:07# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
0:59:07 > 0:59:10- # Yes, sir - The red-nosed reindeer
0:59:10 > 0:59:13# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
0:59:13 > 0:59:18# Rudolph, you'll go down in history
0:59:18 > 0:59:21- # Whoo! - The red-nosed reindeer
0:59:21 > 0:59:25# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
0:59:25 > 0:59:29# Rudolph, you'll go down in history... #
0:59:29 > 0:59:31CHEERING
0:59:35 > 0:59:38# Oh, yeah!
0:59:38 > 0:59:39# Yeah...
0:59:39 > 0:59:41# Yeah
0:59:42 > 0:59:44# Yow! #
0:59:47 > 0:59:49Thank you!
0:59:49 > 0:59:52- Merry Christmas, everybody! - Merry Christmas, happy New Year!