0:00:02 > 0:00:07Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys of London, are you ready to party?!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10CHEERS
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Then please welcome your hostess for this evening's entertainment.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16It's me, Miranda Hart!
0:00:18 > 0:00:26This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:29MUSIC: I Am The One And Only by Chesney Hawkes
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Oh, yes!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Hi!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Oh, yes. Hello!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Hoo-hoo.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Oh, lovely. Hello to you, the O2.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Fabulous.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57This is great. This is going to be a show. It's going to be fun tonight.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I feel it in my waters.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I do, yes.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03So, who's here? Who's been kind enough to pop along?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Any teenagers here?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07SCREAMS
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Did Justin Bieber just come on?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14He shouldn't have done. He's in my dressing room,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17tied to a radiator hoping to get his clothes back.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20He isn't, he isn't.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Or is he?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26He isn't, he isn't.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29He's probably just in jail somewhere, isn't he?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Who else have we got? Any fellow single women?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34SCREAMS AND CHEERS Yes? We're out!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37We're actually out tonight.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Crying over a tub of Ben and Jerry's earlier, but we're out now!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Anything could happen.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Probably just a lot of white wine
0:01:44 > 0:01:46and singing I Will Survive together later.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Any single men?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51AUDIENCE HOOTS
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Three down here!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Let's just clarify.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Any straight single men?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Nothing.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Literally nothing.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I mean, it's always the way, isn't it?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08No, hang on...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Of all the people here, be really brave,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14if there's one straight single man go, "Hwar"!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Here you go. One, two, three...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19SOME MEN SHOUT Oh, there are! There are some!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Ladies, pounce down here. We've got two.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25You're in big trouble tonight. That's exciting.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28So, if you're here for a good time, give me a whoop!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Lovely.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33If you're here, because somebody made you,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35give me a grumble.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38SOME GRUMBLES
0:02:39 > 0:02:42That'll be all the dads, won't it?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Already thinking about the route home.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49"Getting out of this car park's going to be hell, isn't it?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Bet you are.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Perhaps you were hoping to see the supermodel Miranda Kerr.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You know, the one that was married to Orlando Bloom?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59She's the most famous Miranda, isn't she?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Once in America, when Call The Midwife first aired there...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Any fans of Call The Midwife in?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06SCREAMS AND CHEERS
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Stop it, stop it. Seriously, stop it.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Well, they said in America, they made a mistake in the press release
0:03:12 > 0:03:16and they said, "Starring in her first dramatic role as Chummy,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"Miranda Kerr" instead of my name.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Now, if you don't know what Miranda Kerr looks like,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25this is what she looks like.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Yeah. They will have got a hell of a shock when this came on.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Yes.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38But do you know, I like to think people thought,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"Wow! She bagged Orlando Bloom?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43"Good on her." I've got the moves.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46This is all right. They're quite special, aren't they?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Lots of pretty good flirt lines.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Is it too early to flirt?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53No, it isn't. Hello to you, sir, and thanks for calling.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Lovely.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Slightly predatory lunge that, wasn't it?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01What's your name?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Matthew, lovely. Is this your wife?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Not any more!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I'll try my best flirt line on you, OK?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12It's pretty good. If you know me well, you'll know this. OK?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Are you ready, Matthew?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Hi. When I'm naked in bed and I roll over,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19my breasts clap.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It's going to be exciting tonight, isn't it, Matthew? Yes!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And the reason tonight's going to be exciting, O2,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32the reason is because, tonight, this isn't just a show.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No, no, no, no, no.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Tonight, I thought we could have a party.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yes!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42So will you accept the invitation to my party tonight?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44CHEERS
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I love it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Let's play another classic tune to get it started.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51MUSIC: Man! I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain
0:04:51 > 0:04:53"Let's go, girls." That's fun, isn't it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Ooh, what's this?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59That's nice. It's exciting, isn't it?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It's beyond camp now, isn't it?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I'm basically a gay man trapped inside a woman's body.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11What can I say?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Yes!
0:05:13 > 0:05:18Because it is a party, I am, of course, with buffet. Yeah!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20So let's open the buffet, shall we?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22We'll go savoury first, obviously.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Let's go Doritos. Lovely.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Do you want some Doritos? There you go.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Well, meet me halfway, you biatch, yeah?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32That's lovely.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Meet me at the sort of rope here,
0:05:33 > 0:05:37that looks like a National Trust rope. It's very odd.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39It's making me feel like a portrait.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It's really weird. It's meant to be security.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I don't know who that's going to stop. Someone'll just be...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"I'm here to kill and assault you now."
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It looks lovely, though, doesn't it?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Got the Doritos, lovely.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Take one, pass it on, yes?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56This is going to be fun.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Because, I don't know about you,
0:05:57 > 0:06:01but normally, I suffer from terrible party anxiety, normally.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05The last party I went to, well, a myriad of disasters.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07First, I had a nightmare with
0:06:07 > 0:06:10the awkward one kiss or two kiss greeting thing,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12which cheek to go for. "Oh, we nearly snogged." All that.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It's a nightmare, isn't it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And then. at one point, I totally misjudged the situation
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and, as this guy was coming in for two kisses,
0:06:20 > 0:06:21I went in for the handshake.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Totally misjudged it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26So, as he was coming in for the kiss,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I realised that my hand was getting nearer and nearer his, erm,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33crotch area, shall we say,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35and then, as I went in for the first kiss,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I sort of slightly lost my balance
0:06:37 > 0:06:39and I ended up steadying myself
0:06:39 > 0:06:40on his belt!
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Did the second kiss.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48As I peeled back, I forgot to release.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I was still holding on to his belt.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I had to sort of turn it into something. You know how you do,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55to try and get away with these situations?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57In retrospect, I probably should have done something like,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01"You're looking good. Have you lost weight?"
0:07:01 > 0:07:03No, made a hell of a decision.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05For some reason, I went...
0:07:06 > 0:07:07"Jump!"
0:07:09 > 0:07:12He's like, "What are you doing?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16But it gets worse. Oh, it gets worse, yes.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I then get introduced to a beyond-handsome man
0:07:19 > 0:07:22and, when I discovered he was single, I got a little bit flustered.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I didn't go in for the handshake.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I didn't go in for the kiss.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28I curtsied...
0:07:30 > 0:07:34..forgetting that, when I'm in this position and rise up,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I will invariably
0:07:36 > 0:07:37break wind.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Now, anyone over 35, you will know it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44It is the contract, relax...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47BLOWS RASPBERRY ..position. Yes?
0:07:48 > 0:07:53You turn 35, suddenly, getting off a chair is a risk factor, isn't it?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55BLOWS RASPBERRY Oh, sorry, everyone.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Sorry, I wasn't expecting that. Apologies.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Stairs.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00BLOWS SEVERAL RASPBERRIES
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Sorry, do you want to go on ahead? That might be better. Yes.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08BLOWS RASPBERRIES
0:08:08 > 0:08:11A lot of laughter recognition going on here tonight.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13So, at this last party, it was a question of,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"Hello, lovely to meet you, potential future husband."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18BLOWS RASPBERRY "Goodbye!"
0:08:20 > 0:08:24But let's, let's tonight call this an anxiety-free zone,
0:08:24 > 0:08:25shall we, tonight?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Let's call this our cocoon.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Nay, a cocoon au fun.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That sounds lovely, doesn't it?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Good word, cocoon, isn't it?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Cocoon!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Well, that's lovely.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Not as good as my favourite word, which is still "plunge".
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Plunge.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Plunge my cocoon, you!
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Sorry about that!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Surprised myself, there, I'm not going to lie.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57But anything goes in the cocoon. Anything goes.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You can wear what you like,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02which is lucky for you, madam, isn't it?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I'm joking. You, of course, look fabulous.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I should add, by the way,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I've got the perfect buffet for our party tonight.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Perfect buffet.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Simple finger food, because that's another thing
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I normally struggle with at parties - the nibbles.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22The whole nibble department, like cocktail sausage sticks -
0:09:22 > 0:09:24where to put them if you're left with them?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26It's one advantage of being tall.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I tend to pop them on the head of a passing stranger.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33They never feel it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Because, if I think I'm honest with you,
0:09:35 > 0:09:40I think the last party I really enjoyed and lasted the duration
0:09:40 > 0:09:42was probably when I was six,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46because anything goes at a party when you're six, doesn't it?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48You can stuff your face till you're physically sick
0:09:48 > 0:09:51and no-one will think you're greedy or bulimic.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55You can gallop round the room laughing manically at yourself
0:09:55 > 0:09:58and stand in a corner with your skirt above your head.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00No-one bats an eyelid.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03In your forties, people frown, take it from me.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05"It's a good night."
0:10:06 > 0:10:09The worst thing that would happen at a party when you're six,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11the worst thing, is that you piss yourself, isn't it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I mean, that's the worst thing.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16But even then, you'd just whip your pants off and crack on, wouldn't you?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Again, in your forties, people are less forgiving.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Hang on, hang on.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26In my defence, your honours,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29there was a trampoline involved
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and, again, anyone over 35, you will know it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35As well as contract... BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:10:35 > 0:10:38..trampolining is, of course, a question of,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"Wee! Wee! Weeing!
0:10:40 > 0:10:41"I am weeing now!"
0:10:47 > 0:10:49But six-year-olds, six-year-olds are free, aren't they?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50I think it's a great age that,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53aged from sort of three to six, where anything goes.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55They don't have party anxiety, do they?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58They can just be who they are and do what they do.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I think we should be more like that. It would be great.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I mean how great would it be if you were at a party
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and somebody came over to you that you didn't want to speak to,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08it was socially acceptable to go,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"Oh, go away" and push them over!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It would be amazing. wouldn't it?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Or if, say, you were really bored in a post office queue,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21it was socially acceptable to go into a ballet routine?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Five-year-olds start doing this.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28If I did this in a post office, I'd be sectioned.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29It's not fair.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34But the key thing, the key thing, I, of course,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38wish all adults to reclaim from toddlers
0:11:38 > 0:11:39is
0:11:39 > 0:11:40the gallop!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42CHEERS Oh, yes.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I'm mounting my horse. I'm gathering my reins.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I'm galloping! MUSIC: Theme from Black Beauty
0:11:48 > 0:11:51It's such a lovely way to move.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54If you need the toilet from now on, gallop up the aisles, yes!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Imagine a world where adults could gallop.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Ministers arriving at Number 10,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04then dismounting to go in. It would be fabulous.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Do you like my meadow, by the way?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Not a euphemism, I should say.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Cheeky.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I love the gallop, I love it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I love it, in particular, because it's such a heady mix of camp
0:12:18 > 0:12:19and drama.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21That's why I like it. Like musicals.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Do you like musicals?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24CHEERS Do you?
0:12:24 > 0:12:25I love musicals.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I love, in particular, the way they bow
0:12:28 > 0:12:31in very serious West End musical theatre.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33So, they sort of bow like this.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Oh, thank you!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42It's too much, really.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52And they sort of "jazz-run" off, don't they?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54It's classic. I love it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58They couldn't possibly just walk off. NO, they have to "jazz-run" off.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02I think life would be better if it was all a bit musical theatre.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03I think it would be brilliant.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Then, instead of walking your dog, say, in the morning like normal,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08like this,
0:13:08 > 0:13:09you'd have to walk it like this.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# Good morning, how is your dog? #
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Swinging a dog there.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22It would be fun.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I'm going to start giving myself a musical bow
0:13:26 > 0:13:28after every small achievement in life.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I think we should all do it, it would be great.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31So, it would be,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35"Everybody, I have unloaded the dishwasher.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"Mum and Dad, thank you." "Oh, sit." "No, it's too much."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Oh, well, if you all insist, then fine."
0:13:41 > 0:13:43In the kitchen, like this.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It would be fun, wouldn't it?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Domestic life would be better if it was all a bit musical theatre.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49It would be,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51# "Darling, put the bins out."
0:13:51 > 0:13:53# "Certainly, my LOVE!" #
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Very high pitched man, there, wasn't it?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04But then, you'd get a lovely image, wouldn't you, of middle aged men
0:14:04 > 0:14:07in their boxers taking their bin liners down the street like this.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It would be lovely.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16There's one moment in life that's already a little bit musical theatre.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Football training.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20All right, now hear me out.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You know, sometimes, you see footballers warming up
0:14:22 > 0:14:24before a match and they're doing all their ball skills and
0:14:24 > 0:14:27their dribbling and their passing, all those skills, aren't they?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29And then, they do the stretches.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31They do these and then they do this one.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35We're not quite sure what that one is, are we?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I think it's them going,
0:14:37 > 0:14:38"These are MY balls."
0:14:40 > 0:14:41"THESE are my balls."
0:14:42 > 0:14:44It's just my little theory,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45but I like it.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49And then, they do a move
0:14:49 > 0:14:51that's suddenly all of bit musical theatre.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53They do this one.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Come on, Wayne! Come on, Frank! Let's dance.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02It's lovely!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Look, my walk has gone camp with excitement at the notion.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I do have a camp-when-excited walk.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We've all got a variety of walks
0:15:11 > 0:15:14for different occasions in life, haven't we?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Does anybody else have the late-for-a-bus-
0:15:16 > 0:15:21but-too-embarrassed-or-unfit-to- burst-into-a-run walk?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23It's awful, isn't it?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25You see your bus coming and you think,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"Oh, gosh! I just can't gather momentum.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30"Wait, wait!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"No, wait!"
0:15:34 > 0:15:38It's desperate, it's desperate.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41What about the sweep-browse walk?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43You know, the sweep-browse in a shop?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46If you don't know what I mean, you will have all done it, OK.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49So, when you walk into a shop and you immediately go,
0:15:49 > 0:15:53"Oh, no. Hang on, I'm not meant to be in here.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55"No, this isn't what I was expecting.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"No, I don't need to be in here at all."
0:15:59 > 0:16:03But you can't suddenly leave, can you, because that would be rude?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06And the terrifying 12-year-old shop assistant has seen you!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11So, you do the sort of polite sweep-browse.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"I'll just touch that top there, just have a little look here.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"Oh, you do shoes, do you? That's nice."
0:16:21 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"And handbags, that's lovely.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27"Good afternoon!" and then you can leave!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30The sweep-browse.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:32We've all done it.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36But my favourite walk, my favourite walk...
0:16:36 > 0:16:41Forgive me, but it's still the classic teenage swagger.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44The show-your-pants, do-the-rap, that one.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45I love it, I love it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I try and pull it off, I do.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I just look like a demented woman who's got a massive problem
0:16:50 > 0:16:51with her tights.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56We've all been there, one size does not fit all.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Word of advice, by the way, never imitate the teenage walk.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Don't do that.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Me and a friend were doing it in a park the other day, going,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"Classic! They're doing that walk still. Brilliant!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Not realising that one of them had turned round and was suddenly
0:17:11 > 0:17:13coming towards us.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17So we found ourselves sort of face-to-face with this
0:17:17 > 0:17:21cool "yoot" sort of doing his walk, which was a bit awkward.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24He came up, he was like, "Oi, are you like doing my walk?"
0:17:25 > 0:17:30"Oh, gosh! No, young sir, chappie to you m'lud.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"No absolutely not.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34BREAKS WIND
0:17:34 > 0:17:35"Sorry, sorry!"
0:17:37 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:40We can't snap, over 35s.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Contract, relax. Trampolining, weeing.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49Are you also like me, suddenly terrified of the cool youth?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I'm terrified of a lot of teenagers, frankly.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Teenagers are like bears, aren't they?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58They're either asleep and, when they're awake, they're angry.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01And when they approach, you don't know whether to run,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03hide up a tree or play dead.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:09There's two of them! Are there any parents of teenagers in?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11AUDIENCE MEMBERS: YES!
0:18:11 > 0:18:12You sound a bit tired.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14UGH!
0:18:14 > 0:18:19Don't worry, I have some advice for you, OK?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Give them a taste of their own medicine,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24because it'll be really fun.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27So get home from work one day, slam your front door,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32kick your shoes off, leave them in the corridor, so they trip over them,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35head to the kitchen, open the fridge,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38eat everything out of it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40When they ask you a question go...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:18:43 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:48..storm upstairs to your bedroom...
0:18:51 > 0:18:56..slam your bedroom door, put on some music really loudly to annoy them.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00I'm going to suggest Elaine Page's Radio 2 show, yes?
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Come out two hours later, ask them for money, see how they like it.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Yes, parents?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Enjoy! It'll be fabulous.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14CHEERING
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I love Radio 2, don't you? I love pop.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I think we're friends enough for me to say now,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I've always wanted to be a pop star, I have.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Do you know who I want to be?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I think it's still possible.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Beyonce, yeah!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33You laugh in support of this motion.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I love her. Don't you love Beyonce?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38She's so ballsy and confident, isn't she?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Did you see her do Crazy In Love at the Super Bowl?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43If you didn't, you must YouTube it when you get home. She was amazing!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47She just started at the back like this, just owning it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Bam!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I mean, obviously she's got a body to die for, hasn't she, Beyonce?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Hips, ten out of ten. Hips ten, thighs ten, arms ten...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57That's just one of my KFC orders.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:03And proud!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09And then the music starts. Ba, da da, da-da-da, da!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12And she does the classic pop star walk.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15You know, when they put sort of one leg in front of the other
0:20:15 > 0:20:19and they make it look really sexy, sort of high boots.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Da da, da-da-da...
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I can't do it. Da, mm mm, mm-mm... Basically.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29If I try and do it, I just look like I'm scratching an awkward itch.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:33It's another walk!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35You will have all done it.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40It's when you're walking along and you think, "Oh, gosh! That's... Oh!"
0:20:40 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Ah! That's better!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGTHER
0:20:48 > 0:20:50There, we've all done it.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54And then...then Beyonce, she does a move
0:20:54 > 0:20:59that I don't think any British woman feels sexy enough to do, OK?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03So, when she's in a line with her dancers, and she starts doing
0:21:03 > 0:21:04the sort of...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09..the sort of thrusty one.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Sort of like...
0:21:11 > 0:21:12I can't do it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16I mean, basically I look like I'm rowing a boat, it's hopeless.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Then she turns round
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and then she really goes for it on this side, her bum moves perfectly.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22She's really fast.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I can't...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30And, basically, if I do it, it just looks like I'm drilling tarmac.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:33GALLOP!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Gallop, sir! Gallop down the aisle.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Brilliant!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43It's more of a trot. It's more of a trot.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48He's going the whole way!
0:21:50 > 0:21:51That is brilliant!
0:21:52 > 0:21:57CHEERING
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I love it! Oh, someone else is off now.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02That's more of a gallop than a trot, though.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04He was like this, wasn't he?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Everyone else here is thinking, Oh, my God! I'd rather piss myself.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"I'm not getting up. I'm not getting up."
0:22:11 > 0:22:12LAUGTHER
0:22:12 > 0:22:14She's going to shout "gallop" at me!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You're a marvellous lady, I love it, free in the cocoon.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19What on earth was I talking about? Matthew, what was I talking about?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Were you listening as well as looking?!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:24 > 0:22:26No, you weren't, were you? Beyonce, drilling, drilling.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Yeah, I love Beyonce. She'd be great at flirting, of course, Beyonce.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32She'd be great. We can't have a party without flirting.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Done you, Matthew. You are putty.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Wife... bam!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Who else is there? Who else is there?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Hello to you, sir, you're nice. What's your name?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Hi, Henry. Lovely. You've got nice hair under that hat.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48That'll be good for our kids.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Is that a bit much? Too soon.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Hang on, you look quite young. How old are you?
0:22:56 > 0:22:5816!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Awkward!
0:23:07 > 0:23:1016. I'm so sorry, 16.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16So, what year were you born, Henry? 1998!
0:23:18 > 0:23:22I mean that's literally only just happened, hasn't it?
0:23:22 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Oh, dear!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27At least I didn't...at you.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I would have scarred him for life, wouldn't I?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Here's a lasting image for your teens, hey, Henry.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35There you go! Enjoy that!
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Whilst we're completely off piste, by the way, this...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45the breast clap, yes? That, ladies, that can actually happen.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48That is a real thing, so try that tonight.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49That's my gift to you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55And if I may be briefly base, I have been told, men,
0:23:55 > 0:24:00if you're very lucky, you can get a willy to thigh purchase.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I've lost a few of you, I can tell!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08But I like to think couples will be going home tonight going,
0:24:08 > 0:24:09did we clap?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Have we clapped yet?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Enjoy your night.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, dear!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Yes, where was I?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Oh, yeah, flirting, inappropriately.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26But us Brits, generally, we're just not very good at flirting, are we?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28We're not... Particularly us women.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31If you know me, well, you know that I can't even say...
0:24:31 > 0:24:32"sex".
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I find it embarrassing.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35I also struggle with...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"bikini wax".
0:24:38 > 0:24:39I don't like saying that.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I rang the parlour the other day and said,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45"Hi, I'd like to book a bi-ki-ni wa-wax, please."
0:24:45 > 0:24:47She said, "Madam, I don't know what a wa-wa-wa is."
0:24:47 > 0:24:49"Doesn't matter!"
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Pathetic!
0:24:51 > 0:24:52But I do try and flirt, I do, I do.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I've been single for so long now, if somebody says to me,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59"Who are you with?" I automatically say, "Vodafone, and you?"
0:24:59 > 0:25:00What?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06So, yes, flirting... I blame my inability to flirt...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I blame it entirely on my education,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11because I was educated at an all-girls' boarding school
0:25:11 > 0:25:14on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere, no "sex" ed,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16no life experience whatsoever.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18We lived off rumours.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Rumours included, if you get caught French kissing in public,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24you have to live in France for the rest of your life.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31And I recently, I recently found my diaries.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Now these are my actual diaries from when I was 16.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39This shows how sheltered my life was and how naive I was, OK.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41My actual diaries, right.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46"2nd of November, Tuesday, 19..." CLEARS HER THROAT
0:25:47 > 0:25:49This is for his benefit there, OK.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"This is our last day of half term, which is annoying,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"but I don't mind getting back as everyone here is being annoying,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59"except Olly, of course."
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Olly was the cat.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05How tragic is that? 16!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Chatting to a cat! Oh!
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Right.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"We've just had lunch in the garden for some odd reason
0:26:11 > 0:26:16"and all sat in a row in our coats along the table for some odd reason.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17"V annoying."
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And then, this is really embarrassing.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"Neighbours is getting really good."
0:26:25 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:33"Mrs Mangel asked Harold to the church dance, which upset Madge
0:26:33 > 0:26:37"and she is suing Des and Daph, because of her memory loss."
0:26:37 > 0:26:38The detail!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43And then it ends with,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47"I am still pleased, but a little emotional,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"about Scott and Charlene's engagement."
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Do you remember?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54So naive!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Had no concept of dating rules.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I still don't really understand dating rules, do you?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You're meant to present a sort of perfect impressive you, aren't you?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03But then, when do you start revealing the real you?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04It seems too complicated.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07When, age-old problem, forgive me, but it's true, isn't it?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09When do you first fart?
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Because there is nothing worse than trapped wind is there?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14There's nothing worse.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19It is a surprising painful condition that we don't talk about.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22And I've never had it before until a first date.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25So, things were going well.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28We were dancing on stage in a club, he still seemed quite keen,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I was trying to impress him with my moves.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Dancing is not a forte by the way.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34The one and only time I've gone for it on a dance floor,
0:27:34 > 0:27:35I've done this move.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I thought, "Oh, yeah. Looking good. Signature move, yeah."
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And then, people rushed over and I was like, what?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43They said, "It looks like you're calling for help,
0:27:43 > 0:27:44"cos someone's dead on the floor."
0:27:44 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I'm trying to groove!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52But I think dancing's harder if you're taller, though, isn't it?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Because you've got a lot of limb to try and control, haven't you?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Also, I don't know about taller people here,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00but I often don't see this area in front of me here,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03so I have been known to inadvertently knock children over
0:28:03 > 0:28:04on the dance floor.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05It's not good.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09To anyone onlooking, it just looks like I'm going, "Piss off, kids!"
0:28:10 > 0:28:14"Go away, this is my dance floor." Children flying everywhere.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Not the most embarrassing thing, though, that's happened to me
0:28:20 > 0:28:22as a result of being tall and not seeing this area here.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24The most embarrassing thing was
0:28:24 > 0:28:27when I was at my niece's fifth birthday party, OK?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29And we were all having a lovely time,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32all the children were there, all the parents were there and the parents
0:28:32 > 0:28:37happened to include a 42-year-old dwarf mother, one of the mothers.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39As I say, we were all having a lovely time.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42There was a barbecue going, all the kids were trampolining.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I wasn't.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Then the children all gathered for a game of pass the parcel
0:28:47 > 0:28:49and I was having a conversation over here
0:28:49 > 0:28:52and I could hear my five-year-old niece sort of mumbling and groaning
0:28:52 > 0:28:53and I thought, "I'd better look after her.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55"I don't want her upset on her birthday".
0:28:55 > 0:28:57So, I finished my conversation here and I said,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00"Yes, absolutely. No, that's a school that she'll be going to
0:29:00 > 0:29:01"if she gets in."
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Picked up, yes. Not my five-year-old niece.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06The 42-year-old dwarf woman!
0:29:06 > 0:29:10LAUGHTER
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"Hello!"
0:29:18 > 0:29:23And then, for some reason, in the sheer panic of it all,
0:29:23 > 0:29:24I went...
0:29:25 > 0:29:29"Wee-ee-ee!"
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"I'm sorry. I'll pop you back down. Here, I'll just pop you back.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34"I'm so sorry, I apologise."
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Luckily, she thought it hilarious and we're now firm friends,
0:29:37 > 0:29:38but, oh, my word!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42OK, right, right. So, this first date, OK.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45So, as I say, things have been going well, we're in a club.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49He's still thinking, even though I'm clearly doing an impression
0:29:49 > 0:29:50of a horse doing dressage.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54This is the trot, but carry on!
0:29:54 > 0:29:57And then, then my stomach's sort of really hurting
0:29:57 > 0:29:59and I thought, "What's happening?"
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Honestly, it inflated to about the size of a football.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03It was huge, I didn't know what was happening.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05I then collapsed to the floor in pain.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07It was that painful.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09The band stopped, there was a live band, they stopped,
0:30:09 > 0:30:12the lights went on in the club, everyone gathered around.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14My date called an ambulance,
0:30:14 > 0:30:16because he thought I might have appendicitis.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20I thought I might have appendicitis, I didn't know what was happening.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22He was sort of leaning over me to try and rub my back to try and help.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25I crawled into a really tight ball, you know,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28how you do to sort of alleviate the pain?
0:30:28 > 0:30:29Tighter and tighter I got.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33I did...
0:30:35 > 0:30:38..the longest and loudest fart...
0:30:41 > 0:30:44IMITATES BREAKING WIND
0:30:46 > 0:30:50"I'm fine now, really, I'm fine now, crack on!
0:30:50 > 0:30:52"Nothing to see here.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54"Do you want to see me again? No, goodbye!"
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Really letting our hair down at the party now, aren't we?
0:30:59 > 0:31:00We're letting our hair down.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Parents, are you letting your hair down?
0:31:02 > 0:31:03CHEERING Yes? Good!
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I want the parents to have a good time.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08You've a tough time, haven't you, parents? Much respect to you.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10I don't think I'm ready for parenting - no, no.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14For starters, kids can really show you up, can't they, parents?
0:31:14 > 0:31:17"Yes!"
0:31:17 > 0:31:19I heard this brilliant story recently, OK.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Now, forgive me, any young people in the audience, there is a swear word
0:31:22 > 0:31:26in this, but because it's a true story, I have to impart, OK?
0:31:26 > 0:31:30So this mother was taking her four-year-old daughter to a party.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33And she arrived and the hostess opened the door and the mother
0:31:33 > 0:31:38said to her daughter, "Say hello to Mrs Davis. Say hello to Mrs Davis."
0:31:38 > 0:31:40But the daughter wasn't saying anything.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Mrs Davis was like, "Don't worry, you can call me Julie, call me Julie."
0:31:43 > 0:31:46And the mother was like, "OK. Say hello to Julie!
0:31:46 > 0:31:47"Say hello to Julie."
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Because you want your daughter to be
0:31:49 > 0:31:52the perfect princess, don't you? But she wasn't saying anything.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Julie was like, "Don't worry, it doesn't matter, don't worry."
0:31:55 > 0:31:57The mother was like, "No, no, say hello to Julie!"
0:31:58 > 0:32:02You poor parents. And then this four-year-old, honestly, just went,
0:32:02 > 0:32:04DEADPAN: "Fuck off, Julie."
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Imagine!
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Imagine being the mother in that situation, going, "Oh, gosh,
0:32:12 > 0:32:16"I'm so sorry, I don't know where she gets it from."
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Now Julie's looking at her going - "I know exactly where she gets it from."
0:32:20 > 0:32:22You poor parents!
0:32:22 > 0:32:26Also, also, toddlers can really embarrass you, parents, can't they?
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I was at a wedding recently and the three-year-old bridesmaid,
0:32:29 > 0:32:31she completely embarrassed her parents.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33She was kind of brilliant, though.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36She was called Maisie and occasionally
0:32:36 > 0:32:39she would go up to some of the older aunts of the wedding party and
0:32:39 > 0:32:42she'd just stare at them and she'd just go, "I don't like your hat."
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Imagine the freedom!
0:32:47 > 0:32:50And then, she got bored at precisely the wrong moment,
0:32:50 > 0:32:55just before the vows, and she started tottering up the church aisle
0:32:55 > 0:33:00like this. And then, she started saying, "I'm really pretty!"
0:33:02 > 0:33:05And then, just as the vows started,
0:33:05 > 0:33:10she said really loudly, "Do you think I'm sexy?"
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Which I thought was hilarious.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17But what's even more hilarious is watching you poor parents
0:33:17 > 0:33:19deal with your child in that situation.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Because you can't suddenly go,
0:33:21 > 0:33:24"Maisie, will you come here?" and pick her up and deal with her.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27People are doing their wedding vows, it's their wedding day, so you
0:33:27 > 0:33:31go sort of rigid with the stress and the anger of the situation.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35"Maisie, come here!
0:33:37 > 0:33:39"Maisie!
0:33:39 > 0:33:41"Maisie, come... Maisie!
0:33:43 > 0:33:45"Maisie, will you come here? Come here, Maisie!"
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Maisie's just thinking, "Why is my mother doing
0:33:48 > 0:33:52"an impression of an angry chipmunk?"
0:33:52 > 0:33:54"Maisie!"
0:33:54 > 0:33:58A chipmunk that turns to her husband and goes, "You deal with her,
0:33:58 > 0:34:01"you deal with her. Maisie! You deal with her."
0:34:01 > 0:34:04He's like, "No, you deal with her. You deal with Maisie!
0:34:04 > 0:34:06"You deal with her."
0:34:06 > 0:34:09He turns into a sort of whispering gorilla, doesn't he?
0:34:09 > 0:34:11"You deal with her. Maisie!"
0:34:11 > 0:34:14She's like a chipmunk, "No, you deal with her.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17"You deal with... Maisie! You deal with her.
0:34:17 > 0:34:22"Tell you for why - who taught her Do You Think I'm Sexy?!"
0:34:22 > 0:34:25To which the gorilla goes...
0:34:25 > 0:34:27SIGHS
0:34:27 > 0:34:29You know he has.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Then the chipmunk turns to dragon.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34She does the classic wife face
0:34:34 > 0:34:37that'll get any husband off his chair.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39She goes... INHALES DEEPLY
0:34:39 > 0:34:41EXHALES DEEPLY
0:34:43 > 0:34:46I might have just snotted there, I'm not going to lie to you.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50Another gift tonight, as well as clap, clap later.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54So this husband leaps up off his chair, OK.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Maisie's at the other end of the church aisle at this point.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58It was hilarious.
0:34:58 > 0:35:03He did the classic British thing of bending at the waist
0:35:03 > 0:35:05and therefore thinking he's invisible.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11"Nobody can see me now."
0:35:13 > 0:35:16We're high on life now at my party, aren't we?
0:35:16 > 0:35:17High on life.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19We don't need drugs here, no, no, no.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Thank you very much, I love you too!
0:35:23 > 0:35:25You've obviously had some drugs, God bless you!
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Here's a story why you should never do drugs again.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33The one and only time I smoked what I believe
0:35:33 > 0:35:35they call "a funny cigarette"...
0:35:37 > 0:35:39..was when I was camping with three friends
0:35:39 > 0:35:42on the south coast of England. And it was a lovely weekend.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44We pitched our two tents at this campsite
0:35:44 > 0:35:47and we realised we were the only people at the campsite.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50We thought, "Amazing, we'll have the whole site to ourselves.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51"This is brilliant."
0:35:51 > 0:35:54And then, when we went on top of a hill, OK,
0:35:54 > 0:35:58we had a makeshift barbecue and we smoked a, um...spliff, yeah?
0:35:58 > 0:36:00OK? LAUGHTER
0:36:00 > 0:36:03And it just had the general effects of absolute hysteria.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05I remember us getting completely hysterical,
0:36:05 > 0:36:07because, at one point, we were convinced there was a tree
0:36:07 > 0:36:10that looked just like Ailsa from Home and Away.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Remember Ailsa? Quite defined features, bless her.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19And then, I remember thinking, "We must find an Alf Bush!"
0:36:19 > 0:36:22AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "You flaming galahs!"
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Don't think he walked like that, but anyway...
0:36:25 > 0:36:31And then, and then I had a moment free of all inhibition
0:36:31 > 0:36:34and I took all my clothes off.
0:36:34 > 0:36:40Yes, and I ran back down to the campsite not realising that,
0:36:40 > 0:36:46since we'd been up there, 20 other tents had pitched,
0:36:46 > 0:36:53Not just any tents, I jest ye not, Boy Scouts.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01Who were now witnessing an oversized woman rushing towards them
0:37:01 > 0:37:03stark bollock naked...
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Or rather, stark no-bollocks naked.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12Obviously, I was giving myself a round of applause as I came down.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14There's an image!
0:37:16 > 0:37:20Education for Henry there, lovely.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Had I been sober, had I been sober,
0:37:22 > 0:37:27I would have dived into the tent for the sheer embarrassment of it all.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32No, no, no, no! I made a unique decision.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38It was dusk, I got two torches
0:37:38 > 0:37:42and I went, "All right, lads!
0:37:42 > 0:37:46"These are the key lady areas. Get used to them."
0:37:52 > 0:37:56I will have scarred them for life.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59The next day at the breakfast buffet queue, I was going -
0:37:59 > 0:38:03"Has anybody seen my identical twin sister, Melissa, anywhere?"
0:38:04 > 0:38:08Don't do drugs. We don't need drugs, though, do we?
0:38:08 > 0:38:09AUDIENCE MEMBER: NO!
0:38:11 > 0:38:14We really don't need drugs, do we?
0:38:14 > 0:38:18We don't, we've got Doritos, the crack cocaine of the crisp world.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23There you go. I love food. Don't you love food?
0:38:23 > 0:38:24AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:38:24 > 0:38:26I love food.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28I couldn't be friends with anyone who doesn't really love food.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31I also find it hard to be friends with somebody who's
0:38:31 > 0:38:34always on a diet, who doesn't need to be.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35It drives me mad.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36I say, "Why are you on a diet?"
0:38:36 > 0:38:39"It's just that my thighs and my bum are still a bit out of proportion."
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Grow up!
0:38:41 > 0:38:43That's how you were beautifully made,
0:38:43 > 0:38:45so stop comparing yourself to other people,
0:38:45 > 0:38:49celebrate your unique beauty and have a pudding once in a while.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51CHEERING Drives me mad.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55I love it, all the girls going - "I love my food! The tights!
0:38:55 > 0:38:57"The tights and the food!"
0:38:57 > 0:39:00I love my girlfriends, it's important to have them.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02I love going out to dinner with them
0:39:02 > 0:39:04but I dread the moment we get to the dessert menu, don't you?
0:39:04 > 0:39:07And they're all going - "Oh, apple crumble, I'd love to, but I mustn't.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10"Creme brulee, I would love to, but I can't.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13"Sticky toffee pudding, I would love to, but I shouldn't."
0:39:13 > 0:39:16I'm thinking, "I must, I should and I will."
0:39:16 > 0:39:19And then the even-more dreaded moment where one of them
0:39:19 > 0:39:22pipes up and goes, "I've just had a cheeky little thought,
0:39:22 > 0:39:26"there's four of us, shall we get one pudding and four spoons?
0:39:26 > 0:39:29"Shall we, shall we all dip in? Shall we get one pudding and four spoons?
0:39:29 > 0:39:32"Shall we just be a bit cheeky and get one pudding and four spoons?"
0:39:32 > 0:39:33I'm thinking, "NO!
0:39:34 > 0:39:38"What's wrong with four puddings and one spoon?
0:39:39 > 0:39:41"Just from time to time."
0:39:44 > 0:39:45My grandmother,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49she was never really into food, which I could never quite understand.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Once she cooked my sister and I a chicken and banana crumble.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56I know, it was just sweet crumble on top.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58We were like, "Gran, what's this?"
0:39:58 > 0:40:00She said, "Oh, I couldn't be bothered to do a main and a pudding,
0:40:00 > 0:40:01"so that's it all in one."
0:40:03 > 0:40:06"Thanks, it's great." I know!
0:40:06 > 0:40:09But I have started eating in moderation a bit recently,
0:40:09 > 0:40:12because the metabolism isn't quite what it was.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Teenagers who can eat what they like without it sticking.
0:40:15 > 0:40:16It won't last!
0:40:18 > 0:40:20Sorry, was that a bit bitter, there?
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Sorry about that, little bit bitter.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24I did put on a lot of weight a few years ago.
0:40:24 > 0:40:29That's when I had the first joys of shopping for the larger lady
0:40:29 > 0:40:32in shops like Long Tall Sally, Big and Long...
0:40:33 > 0:40:35..Huge and Gross.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Why do they call them things like that?
0:40:37 > 0:40:40There's a shop for the larger lady in Surrey, this is true,
0:40:40 > 0:40:42because someone sent me a photo because they knew I'm
0:40:42 > 0:40:44obsessed with it. A shop for the larger lady called -
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Jolly and Flabby.
0:40:47 > 0:40:48LAUGHTER
0:40:48 > 0:40:52"Just off to Jolly and Flabby now, everybody!"
0:40:52 > 0:40:53I mean, what next?
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Are they going to call it Past Caring?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"Oh, that's a nice top, Miranda."
0:40:58 > 0:41:02"Oh, thank you very much, yeah, I got it from Past Caring.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03"I don't know if you know it,
0:41:03 > 0:41:08"it's next to the shop for the larger lady called Beyond Help."
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Once a friend of mine, for my birthday,
0:41:11 > 0:41:12she got me a store card for
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Big is Beautiful, which was kind(!)
0:41:15 > 0:41:18But it's great now, I get great special offers.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22The latest one was buy two size-20 tops,
0:41:22 > 0:41:26get a free Sara Lee gateau - so it's worked out.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30But I've never been one of those people, you know,
0:41:30 > 0:41:33those people who are really properly into diets and fad diets
0:41:33 > 0:41:35and speak really seriously don't they, like this?
0:41:35 > 0:41:38At the moment, everything's about juicing, that's what they do in LA.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41They juice everything. I mean, sure, have a chicken casserole,
0:41:41 > 0:41:43but you must juice it, it's better for you.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46I think the reason these people speak so sort of low
0:41:46 > 0:41:52and slow like this is because they're so weak...
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Because they've only eaten sunflower seeds for a month, haven't they?
0:41:58 > 0:42:03And even then, they've had to juice the seeds.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06But they have, they have just enough energy,
0:42:06 > 0:42:10just enough energy to offer us mere mortals some advice, don't they?
0:42:10 > 0:42:14So they go, "Miranda, Miranda, hi. Hi, so here's the thing.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17"If ever I feel like a sugar binge or a cake binge,
0:42:17 > 0:42:19"which you obviously do a lot..."
0:42:21 > 0:42:23HUGE LAUGHTER
0:42:24 > 0:42:27"Then I say to myself, 'Lucinda...
0:42:27 > 0:42:29" 'Lucinda, I say to myself, no. No sugar.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32" 'Sit down, have some Ryvita.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36" 'I'm full, it's delicious.' "
0:42:36 > 0:42:40To which I want to respond, "Ryvita isn't delicious, Lucinda, is it?
0:42:40 > 0:42:42"Because if it was, people would binge on it, wouldn't they?"
0:42:42 > 0:42:45You don't get people going, "I had such a bad night last night."
0:42:45 > 0:42:47"Oh, did you, what did you have?"
0:42:47 > 0:42:48"Three packets of Ryvita!
0:42:49 > 0:42:54"Once you get that dry, sawdusty crispbread, you can't stop."
0:42:54 > 0:42:55I don't think so.
0:42:55 > 0:43:00Ryvita is only delicious with a large Dairy Milk on top of it.
0:43:00 > 0:43:01Fact!
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Oh, look, my walk has gone camp with excitement
0:43:05 > 0:43:08at the notion of chocolate.
0:43:08 > 0:43:09Other walks I want to share.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13Now, I have two airport walks.
0:43:13 > 0:43:19Does anybody else have a nothing-to-declare walk?
0:43:19 > 0:43:21LAUGHTER It's not just me.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23It's weird, isn't it?
0:43:23 > 0:43:26You're fine at baggage reclaim, everything's fine there.
0:43:26 > 0:43:30And then, suddenly, you approach Nothing To Declare and you sort of
0:43:30 > 0:43:37don't know how to walk for fear of appearing in any way suspicious.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43I end up walking like a camp tightrope walker for some reason,
0:43:43 > 0:43:47which ironically does make me look like I'm smuggling drugs up my arse.
0:43:48 > 0:43:52That's the irony. It's a terrifying walk, though, isn't it?
0:43:52 > 0:43:54And then you get to the last ten metres
0:43:54 > 0:43:57and you see the Promised Land - WH Smith.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00"We're nearly free! We're nearly free!
0:44:00 > 0:44:02"We're nearly out! We're out! We're out!"
0:44:02 > 0:44:05And then my second airport walk kicks in.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07You know, when you're faced with a barrage of people
0:44:07 > 0:44:09meeting their nearest and dearest off the flight
0:44:09 > 0:44:11and all the minicab drivers with their placards?
0:44:11 > 0:44:14I suddenly become incredibly self-conscious which is
0:44:14 > 0:44:17invariably when your wheelie case flips over, isn't it?
0:44:17 > 0:44:19You're trying to flip it back,
0:44:19 > 0:44:21so the wheels are the right way on the floor.
0:44:21 > 0:44:24It's behaving like a drunk teenager, your case.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27And then my second airport walk proper kicks in.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29Something really weird starts happening.
0:44:29 > 0:44:33I start thinking, "I wonder if there's somebody here to meet me?"
0:44:33 > 0:44:37I know they're not, my car's in the car park!
0:44:37 > 0:44:39I can't help it, I'm looking at the placards thinking,
0:44:39 > 0:44:42"Am I Mrs Shish Keba?"
0:44:42 > 0:44:46"I don't know." Weird, weird airport walks.
0:44:46 > 0:44:50But the king of all walks, the king of all walks,
0:44:50 > 0:44:54OK, is when you walk purposefully in one direction,
0:44:54 > 0:44:58say out of a shop, you walk purposefully in one direction.
0:44:58 > 0:45:02You immediately realise you're going in the wrong direction.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06You can't suddenly turn round, that would look weird,
0:45:06 > 0:45:08so you turn it into something.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11And we have all done it. OK, it goes like this.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16"Oh, no, I'm meant to be going over there.
0:45:16 > 0:45:18"Oh, I'll just look at my watch.
0:45:19 > 0:45:24"Oh, right, OK, that's interesting, it's ten past 12
0:45:24 > 0:45:27"and that means, yeah, no, that's probably right.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30"Yeah, no, that means that I think I'm probably meant to be
0:45:30 > 0:45:33"going in that direction, yeah, that's it."
0:45:33 > 0:45:35APPLAUSE
0:45:35 > 0:45:38We've all done it.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41Sometimes I do a whole role play for no reason whatsoever.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44I'll go, "I'm meant to be going over there.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46"I'll just get my phone out.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48"Oh, that's interesting, Zoe's texted.
0:45:48 > 0:45:52"And she says she doesn't want to meet in the library which is...
0:45:52 > 0:45:53"Oh, that's over there, right, OK.
0:45:53 > 0:45:55"She wants to meet in the cafe.
0:45:55 > 0:45:59"Which cafe could she be talking about, I wonder, which cafe?
0:45:59 > 0:46:03"Oh, it's over there, lovely."
0:46:03 > 0:46:07Nobody knows what I'm doing, but it's because we're all too shy to do this.
0:46:09 > 0:46:11"No!"
0:46:15 > 0:46:17Which is a shame, isn't it?
0:46:17 > 0:46:20It's a shame, because I think we should be freer to deal with
0:46:20 > 0:46:22life-awkward moments like that.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25There are always life-awkward moments like that, aren't there?
0:46:25 > 0:46:27There's always that moment when you're on your own
0:46:27 > 0:46:30and you trip up in the street, do one of those.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32Go to turn that into something, haven't you?
0:46:32 > 0:46:34I see a lot of people do this one.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40"Hmm...
0:46:40 > 0:46:42"That's odd."
0:46:43 > 0:46:45"There's something there.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48"Yeah. There's something there."
0:46:50 > 0:46:53That's a very bold manoeuvre, I think that's very brave.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55I'm not brave enough to do that one.
0:46:55 > 0:47:00I favour the pretending you meant to do it one. So you go...
0:47:07 > 0:47:11I mean, sure, you've got to walk the whole way up this street like that!
0:47:11 > 0:47:14That's the only disadvantage of that one, but I prefer it.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17Life-awkward moments. There's always that moment, isn't there,
0:47:17 > 0:47:19when you're walking on your own in the park and some men are playing
0:47:19 > 0:47:23football and suddenly their football comes towards you and they're like,
0:47:23 > 0:47:26"Oi, oi, oi, can we have our football back?"
0:47:26 > 0:47:28And you're like, "Oh, God, right, yes.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31"Yeah, just bear with, OK, hang on, oh!
0:47:34 > 0:47:37"Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!
0:47:37 > 0:47:41"Oh, gosh, sorry, it's a bit slippy, it's a really slippy ball, sorry.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45"Oh, sorry, your ball's over there. I mean, your ball is over there.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47"Not your balls are over there.
0:47:47 > 0:47:51"You know where your balls are, your balls are here."
0:47:51 > 0:47:53"Here are your balls, we know that."
0:47:54 > 0:47:56Life-awkward moments!
0:47:56 > 0:48:00There's always that moment, although this might be unique to me.
0:48:00 > 0:48:04I was recently in a shop changing room trying on a swimming costume.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07And you know a swimming costume has a, erm...
0:48:08 > 0:48:10..sticky hygiene sticker?
0:48:12 > 0:48:13Well, erm, hum...
0:48:15 > 0:48:18The sticky hygiene sticker...
0:48:18 > 0:48:19got stuck...
0:48:22 > 0:48:24..to my, erm...
0:48:24 > 0:48:26..vestibule area, shall we say.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30As I removed it, it caused so much pain
0:48:30 > 0:48:33I shot out onto the shop floor going,
0:48:33 > 0:48:35"I've just given myself a Brazilian!
0:48:37 > 0:48:40"Apologies, do carry on with your shopping, sorry!"
0:48:40 > 0:48:43Life-awkward moments.
0:48:43 > 0:48:44When I was younger, when I was younger,
0:48:44 > 0:48:46I naively thought that, if you were famous,
0:48:46 > 0:48:49that maybe somehow you'd be above these life-awkward moments
0:48:49 > 0:48:52and somehow you'd have the confidence to deal with them.
0:48:52 > 0:48:53That's just nonsense, isn't it?
0:48:53 > 0:48:55Cos anyone who's famous is still silly old them.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58It makes no sense at all. And my most embarrassing moment was
0:48:58 > 0:49:01when I was on a train from Edinburgh to London and I went
0:49:01 > 0:49:04to the toilet at one point and I closed the cubicle door
0:49:04 > 0:49:08and I pulled down my trousers and my pants and I went to sit...
0:49:08 > 0:49:13And as I was sort of hovering in the squatting position, before I sat,
0:49:13 > 0:49:14the train did one of those lurches,
0:49:14 > 0:49:17you know, like they do, like it's going to stop.
0:49:17 > 0:49:20I fell towards the door,
0:49:20 > 0:49:21then through it...
0:49:23 > 0:49:25I obviously hadn't locked the door properly!
0:49:25 > 0:49:30..onto the train corridor in front of the buffet queue.
0:49:30 > 0:49:33People were going, "Oh, don't look at that woman,
0:49:33 > 0:49:36"that is absolutely mortifying. Don't look at her, don't look at her.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38"Is that Miranda off the television?
0:49:38 > 0:49:40"Oh, no, that is awful, that is awful."
0:49:40 > 0:49:44You do not want to be recognised in that situation, let me tell you!
0:49:44 > 0:49:46And also, you find yourself in situations
0:49:46 > 0:49:48unique to being recognised.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50So, the other day, somebody came up to me
0:49:50 > 0:49:52and said, "Oh, oh, it's you!
0:49:52 > 0:49:54"Oh, I love that show, Miranda."
0:49:54 > 0:49:57I said, "Thank you very much, that means a lot, thank you."
0:49:57 > 0:50:00And she said, "So, what's your name?"
0:50:02 > 0:50:04"Er, Miranda."
0:50:04 > 0:50:06"No, dear, that's the name of the show.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08"What is your name?"
0:50:09 > 0:50:11"Miranda."
0:50:11 > 0:50:13"No, dear." And then, she said to her friend,
0:50:13 > 0:50:17"She might be off the telly, but she's a little bit thick."
0:50:18 > 0:50:20"What is YOUR name?"
0:50:20 > 0:50:24So, for an easy life, I just found myself going, "Jean."
0:50:24 > 0:50:25"Well, it's nice to meet you, Jean.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27"What's your surname?"
0:50:27 > 0:50:30Then I panicked and I went, "Spleen."
0:50:33 > 0:50:35"Jean Spleen?
0:50:35 > 0:50:37"It's very nice to meet you, Jean Spleen."
0:50:37 > 0:50:40Then I heard her say to her friend, "You would have thought
0:50:40 > 0:50:42"she'd have changed her name for being on the telly."
0:50:42 > 0:50:45"Miranda, starring Jean Spleen" is what that woman thought.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47So, whoever you are,
0:50:47 > 0:50:50you'll always find yourself in life-awkward moments, won't you?
0:50:50 > 0:50:53So I say, people, I say, jolly life up, yes?
0:50:53 > 0:50:57Be more three to six-year-old, be more musical theatre,
0:50:57 > 0:50:59do something every day just to make you happy.
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Jolly life up!
0:51:01 > 0:51:02CHEERING
0:51:02 > 0:51:05I advocate... Bless you, I advocate, for example,
0:51:05 > 0:51:08leaping into a revolving door, from time to time,
0:51:08 > 0:51:09with a complete stranger.
0:51:11 > 0:51:12"Sir! Hello!"
0:51:13 > 0:51:15Be fun, jolly life up!
0:51:16 > 0:51:19How about, once a month, if you work in an office,
0:51:19 > 0:51:23once-a-month office Olympics?
0:51:23 > 0:51:26The rules being, if you need to get from A to B in the office,
0:51:26 > 0:51:29you're not allowed to touch the floor.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32Go from chair to desk, kick a colleague over, tread on them.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35It'll be fun. Jolly life up.
0:51:35 > 0:51:38How about once a week - weird name day.
0:51:38 > 0:51:41Think of a weird name you'd like to call yourself,
0:51:41 > 0:51:43then go to your coffee shop that morning, give them your name,
0:51:43 > 0:51:46then somebody has to read out, "Oh, erm...
0:51:46 > 0:51:51"cappuccino for Corinthia the Indestructible."
0:51:51 > 0:51:54"That is I, I is she!"
0:51:55 > 0:51:57It'll be fun.
0:51:57 > 0:51:59But the key thing to jollying life up, the key thing,
0:51:59 > 0:52:02and I think, frankly this should be a law,
0:52:02 > 0:52:05is that I think all train drivers
0:52:05 > 0:52:10should have to do the Muppet song after every tannoy announcement.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15Because I defy anyone not to want to sing along to the Muppet song.
0:52:15 > 0:52:20So it would go, um, "This is the 16:41 to London's Waterloo.
0:52:20 > 0:52:21"Mahna Mahna."
0:52:24 > 0:52:27- Mahna Mahna. SOME PEOPLE:- # Do do-do do! #
0:52:27 > 0:52:28Mahna Mahna.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31- ALL:- # Do doo de-do-do de-do-do, de-do-do!
0:52:31 > 0:52:34# De-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do! #
0:52:34 > 0:52:36"Change at Clapham Junction for Victoria."
0:52:36 > 0:52:39It would be lovely, wouldn't it? That sounded amazing.
0:52:39 > 0:52:40CHEERING
0:52:40 > 0:52:43That train driver's making those people in those carriages
0:52:43 > 0:52:45happier at that moment in time.
0:52:45 > 0:52:49So I say be the best version of you for the others around you.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52I'm going to love you and leave you with this, OK.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54I was recently in a public swimming pool, I'm not a massive fan
0:52:54 > 0:52:58of public swimming pools, the whole, "Please shower before you get in."
0:52:58 > 0:53:02I find that offensive, I'm perfectly clean, thank you, perfectly clean.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04And then which lane to go in!
0:53:04 > 0:53:06The fast lane is just way too intimidating, isn't it?
0:53:06 > 0:53:08The medium lane's always packed.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10You think, "Fine, I'll go in the slow lane."
0:53:10 > 0:53:12Invariably, you've got an octogenarian's foot
0:53:12 > 0:53:15in your face, haven't you? If you try and overtake,
0:53:15 > 0:53:18you're doing this with a complete stranger. The whole thing.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21So I thought, I know, just for once, I'm going to practise what I preach.
0:53:21 > 0:53:22I am.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24I'm going to be more three to six-year-old,
0:53:24 > 0:53:26"I'm going to be more free.
0:53:26 > 0:53:30"For a moment, I'm not going to swim lengths, no.
0:53:30 > 0:53:34"I am going to swim widths."
0:53:35 > 0:53:40So, just for a moment, I went up and down those lane dividers,
0:53:40 > 0:53:44like a crazy rebel dolphin, free and happy.
0:53:44 > 0:53:47It did backfire though, because, as I went over the last lane divider,
0:53:47 > 0:53:52I went over with such velocity, it removed my bikini bottoms
0:53:52 > 0:53:55without me realising.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57Got onto the edge of the swimming pool to celebrate, I was...
0:53:57 > 0:53:59"Oh, my word!"
0:53:59 > 0:54:03Jumped into the fast lane upon a very buff gentleman,
0:54:03 > 0:54:04I nearly drowned him.
0:54:04 > 0:54:08But I still celebrate it, because it caused merriment and
0:54:08 > 0:54:10I was free of the drug of approval, and I call it and -
0:54:10 > 0:54:13wait for it, because this is a hell of a way to end a show -
0:54:13 > 0:54:18I call it my muff upon buff moment!
0:54:18 > 0:54:21CHEERING Thank you!
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Thank you so much!
0:54:25 > 0:54:27Thank you.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:32 > 0:54:36MUSIC: Bring Me Sunshine by Morecambe & Wise
0:54:36 > 0:54:38# Bring me sunshine
0:54:39 > 0:54:41# In your smile
0:54:42 > 0:54:45# Bring me laughter
0:54:45 > 0:54:46# All the while
0:54:48 > 0:54:51# In this world where we live
0:54:51 > 0:54:54# There should be more happiness
0:54:54 > 0:54:56# So much joy you can give
0:54:56 > 0:55:00# To each brand-new bright tomorrow
0:55:00 > 0:55:02# Make me happy
0:55:02 > 0:55:04# Through the years
0:55:06 > 0:55:08# Never bring me
0:55:08 > 0:55:10# Any tears... #
0:55:10 > 0:55:13Oh, no, this isn't right, no, I have no need of your shop.
0:55:15 > 0:55:20EVERYONE, I WOULD LIKE A BIKINI WAX.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28# Bring me sunshine
0:55:28 > 0:55:30# In your smile
0:55:31 > 0:55:34# Bring me laughter
0:55:34 > 0:55:35# All the while
0:55:35 > 0:55:38# In this world where we live
0:55:38 > 0:55:41# There should be more happiness... #
0:55:41 > 0:55:43I need to get that, um, graphic.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51Can you...? Thank you.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55# Never bring me... #
0:55:55 > 0:55:57After you.
0:55:57 > 0:55:59MUSIC: Anything Goes
0:56:05 > 0:56:08Oh, OK, you going over there?
0:56:08 > 0:56:09Chris, could you...?
0:56:12 > 0:56:15I'm just off to buy a top at Past Caring.
0:56:18 > 0:56:21# Anything goes... #
0:56:29 > 0:56:33Cappuccino for Dame Gertrude the Gorgeous of Sexyville?
0:56:33 > 0:56:36That is I! I is she.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41- # Anything goes... # - Oh, go away!
0:56:46 > 0:56:51Hi, put me in a designated area, for I am smokin'!
0:56:57 > 0:56:59Gallop!
0:57:11 > 0:57:13# Anything goes... #
0:57:21 > 0:57:23Go on!
0:57:23 > 0:57:24CHEERING
0:57:24 > 0:57:26MUSIC: Crazy In Love by Beyonce
0:57:32 > 0:57:34Come on!
0:57:37 > 0:57:39CHEERING
0:57:47 > 0:57:49# Got me looking so crazy right now
0:57:49 > 0:57:52# Your love's got me looking so crazy right now... #
0:57:52 > 0:57:53CHEERING
0:57:53 > 0:57:54# Got me looking so crazy right now
0:57:54 > 0:57:57# Your touch got me looking so crazy right now
0:57:57 > 0:57:59# Got me hoping you'll page me right now
0:57:59 > 0:58:02# Your kiss, got me hoping you'll save me right now
0:58:02 > 0:58:04# Looking so crazy in love's
0:58:04 > 0:58:06# Got me looking Got me looking so crazy in love! #
0:58:06 > 0:58:08CHEERING
0:58:11 > 0:58:13MUSIC: Proud by Heather Small
0:58:13 > 0:58:18# What have you done today to make you feel proud?
0:58:19 > 0:58:22# It's never too late to try
0:58:22 > 0:58:27# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #
0:58:31 > 0:58:33Thank you so much, you've been amazing.
0:58:33 > 0:58:36Thank you.
0:58:38 > 0:58:41Thank you so much. Thank you to you at home.
0:58:41 > 0:58:45# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #
0:58:45 > 0:58:48Thank you so much for coming along. Thank you.
0:58:48 > 0:58:51I love you. Goodnight!
0:58:51 > 0:58:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:59:03 > 0:59:07# I can feel my soul ascending
0:59:07 > 0:59:09# I am on my way
0:59:09 > 0:59:12# Can't stop me now
0:59:12 > 0:59:17# You can do the same, yeah
0:59:17 > 0:59:23# What have you done today to make you feel proud?
0:59:23 > 0:59:26# It's never too late to try
0:59:26 > 0:59:32# What have you done today to make you feel proud?
0:59:32 > 0:59:35# Mm-hm! Mm-hm!
0:59:35 > 0:59:40# You could be so many people
0:59:40 > 0:59:44# If you make that break for freedom... #