0:01:08 > 0:01:11Furtive. That's the word I'd use, furtive.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Para's been furtive since we left Inveraray.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- Aye, furtive, that's the word. Furtive.- A beautiful word.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Dan, your command of the English language
0:01:22 > 0:01:24would do credit to a Cabinet Minister.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29But do you really think that Para wants to get rid of us?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I'm telling you, Dougie, Para is up to something
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and he wants us out the way while he does it.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36How else would he send Sunny Jim on a sixpenny bus run to the
0:01:36 > 0:01:38other end of Glasgow?
0:01:38 > 0:01:42- He sent him for a gallon of paint. - To the art galleries?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Now, McPhail, you just made that one up.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I'm telling you, Para wants us out the way.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50By Jove, lads, are you still here?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53When you should be away outside seeing all the splendid things
0:01:53 > 0:01:55that's happening in the world?
0:01:55 > 0:02:00- Like what?- Well, like that fine big funeral that is just away past there.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Oh, man, it was a grand procession.
0:02:02 > 0:02:0616 cars, no' counting the hearse and as for flowers, man,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10you would think the Botanic Gardens had sprung a leak.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Well, it'll be away past by this time.- Och, no, Dan, I'm sure
0:02:14 > 0:02:16if you ran you could catch up with it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Well, I still have one or two things to attend to here.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Ach, no, not at all, Dougie, all work and no play.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27No, no, away you run after the funeral and enjoy yourself.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Furtive.- Eh?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- We think you're trying to get rid of us.- What, me? Never!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37No, no, the only thought in my head is for the comfort of my crew.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42After that long, hard voyage, you should be away out there relaxing.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Get rid of you? Oh, what an idea!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50If I gave you five shillings would you go to the pictures?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I cannae go anywhere until Dougie has finished this bit of darning.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Oh, man, Dan, you're becoming awful clothes conscious.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59You're turning into a regular dandy.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03There we are. Do you want these other holes done?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07No, just leave them. I'll let my foot breathe.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Well, if you wouldn't mind just biting off the wool at the knot.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16HE GRUNTS
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I hav'nae been able to do that since I was three.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Well, I don't fancy doing it.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26So we'll just moor it with a clove hitch to your big toe.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Well, just please yourselves, lads. I'm away for a wee stroll.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Mebbe see you later, eh?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Captain, the art galleries don't sell timber paint.- What's that?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- What's that?- What? - That bottle you've got at your back.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Oh, this here? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, this...this is my medicine.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I'm supposed to carry it around with me for my seizures.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Seizures?! When did you start having seizures?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Well, I haven't yet, but I thought there was no use waiting
0:03:57 > 0:03:59till the last minute.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Man, you're prepared, Para.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Mind you, I've never heard of the National Health supplying
0:04:05 > 0:04:07medicine in lemonade bottles.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- Give me that, Dougie, at once! That's an order!- It's whisky!
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Man, and what whisky! Oh, by Jove!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20It's like listening to a mass choir of angels singing
0:04:20 > 0:04:22the Hallelujah Chorus in Gaelic.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And you were going to keep it all to yoursel'. You're furtive!
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- Definitely furtive!- No, no, Dan, you don't understand the position.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I understand all right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Once you'd got us out of the way,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38you were going to get stoned on this...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- nectar.- No, no, I was not.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42That is a traveller's sample.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Who is the traveller?- Me!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48This whisky was made by my cousin Angus down in Bute.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Him that used to work in the distillery?- Aye.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53He retired ten years ago, but as time went on,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55he thought he should take up a wee hobby
0:04:55 > 0:04:58just to keep his hand in, you understand.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Angus is a strict teetotaller. - You mean this stuff is hooch?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You mind your language, McPhail!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Here, has he got any more of this stuff, Para?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10He's got a barrel of the stuff and he wants me to sell it for him.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13A whole barrel! Must be worth at least a couple of hundred pounds.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Aye, mebbe.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You see, Angus's daughter is getting married and, well, his heart is set
0:05:18 > 0:05:22on giving the young couple a grand piano for their new council house.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And why doesn't he set them off on the road to matrimonial bliss
0:05:25 > 0:05:26by just giving them the whisky?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28That would be great!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I can just see the minister's face at the show of presents.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Para, it crosses my mind that you're mebbe not doing this
0:05:36 > 0:05:38just for nothing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Well, no, no, I'm getting a wee commission for my time and trouble.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- Just... Just to cover my expenses, you understand.- How much?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Come on, how much?!
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- Oh, well, er...half of what I get for it.- Half?! We're rich!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58What you mean, WE'RE rich, Sunny Jim? He's MY cousin!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01And there is no question of quarter shares.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Dan, I never, ever thought we'd be involved in smuggling
0:06:05 > 0:06:07and breaking the law like this.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I think maybe we should just make a clean breast of it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15If we confess, maybe they'll just put us on probation.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- I mean, we didn't know this stuff was on board.- Probation.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Aye, just as you say. Of course there is one of us
0:06:21 > 0:06:24going to lose his Master's Ticket and get sent to the jail...
0:06:25 > 0:06:29But maybe they'll go easy on Sunny Jim on account of his youth.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, aye, I'm just a boy.
0:06:32 > 0:06:38Led astray by an older man. You read about it every Sunday in the papers.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I knew it would come to this.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44All right, what's 4 into 100?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48THEY CHUCKLE
0:06:51 > 0:06:53It's a wee bit flat, I think.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Thank you very much.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Aye, aye!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11THEY LAUGH
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- It's yoursel', Captain. - Aye, indeed it is, Mr MacGubbin.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18We'll have four of the usual refreshments
0:07:18 > 0:07:21and have a wee snifter yourself.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Oh, thank you, I don't mind if I do. I'll have the same.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Well, well, Sunny Jim, it's a fine wee pub this.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Aye, Captain, it's got real class.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I mean, there's not many with fitted wall-to-wall sawdust.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Here we are, four whiskys and one for myself.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Lovely drop of stuff, this, gentlemen. Sells very well.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Well...
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Here's good health!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48ALL: Slainte!
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- What did you do that for?- Aye, well, we just didn't fancy drinking it.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03We just came in for the use of your glasses.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06We want to enjoy the social atmospherics.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07There's nothing wrong that whisky!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's the most popular blend I've got. What's wrong wi' it?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Well, let's just say that we prefer our own.- Prefer your own!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I don't keep a pub so you can bring your own booze in!
0:08:16 > 0:08:17I've got a living to earn.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Oh, by Jove, Mr MacGubbin,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22we wouldn't like to see your wee children running around barefooted.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No, no. So I'll tell you what we'll do.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30Every time we have a drop of our own...we'll buy a round from you.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34We don't mind paying for it, as long as you don't except us to drink it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36So we'll just have the same again.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Well, that's different. No, it's no'!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41What will my other customers think when they see you pouring
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- it doon the drain?- Aye, well, you have a point there, yes.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I tell you what, just pour whisky into an old petrol tin
0:08:48 > 0:08:52and Sunny Jim can use it for the navigation lamps.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I sell good stuff! What's so special about yours?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Well, we can't quite explain,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00except that it's spoiled us for anything else.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Here, try it yourself.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Oh... Ho, ho, ho...
0:09:14 > 0:09:17It's like... It's like the Hampden roar set to music.
0:09:18 > 0:09:24- Aye, it's a drop of good stuff, eh? - What's it called?- Oh...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Highlandman's Bliss.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Highlandman's Bliss? Never heard of! Who makes it?
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Well, now, it's...it's a small distillery. A family concern.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37You won't have heard of it. Most of the stuff goes for the exports.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40We're only allowed to buy it on condition that we drink it
0:09:40 > 0:09:42outside the three-mile limit, you see.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I don't suppose you could get me a bottle or two on the quiet?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I don't mind paying over the odds for it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Oh, by Jove, Mr MacGubbin, you don't know what you're asking!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57No, the exports would raise the matter in Parliament.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Captain, could you not do Mr MacGubbin a wee favour?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I mean, he's been very good about giving us credit.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I don't think he'd tell anybody.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I'LL NO' SAY...
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I'll no' say a word.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Aye, well, then maybe I could write a wee note to my cousin...
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I mean to the managing director, to ask if he could spare you a barrel.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18A barrel?!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21They'll be climbing through the windows to get at it.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Captain, I'll be your friend for life.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26And you can rely on my complete discretion.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Cheers.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Uh-uh! Try a wee drop of ours.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Oh, ho, ho, ho!
0:10:38 > 0:10:39ALL: Slainte!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47ALL SIGH WITH PLEASURE
0:10:55 > 0:10:57HE BLOWS HORN
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Will you make up your mind?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17One minute it's stop engines, next minute it's full steam ahead.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You cannae put a powerful piece of machinery like that...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22We're heading away from the pier!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26We've just this minute seen the polis arresting my cousin Angus.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31- The polis?!- Aye. Another three minutes he would have had us too.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- Man, Para, that was a narrow escape you had.- Aye, so it was.- Aye.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- What do you mean, a narrow escape- I- had?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You were keen enough to share the money
0:12:40 > 0:12:43and you're not going to back out now. You're as much involved as I am.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48- Is that no' right, Dougie?- Involved in what, Para?- Selling the whisky!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- What whisky? - INDISTINCT SHOUTING
0:12:53 > 0:12:58You know fine what whisky! There you are! And if my cousin Angus...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- We're going back.- No, no! - We're not going back, Para!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Look, if my cousin Angus hadn't been there standing on the pier
0:13:04 > 0:13:07because I wrote to him, the polis would never have arrested him.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09You're carrying loyalty too far.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Aye, McPhail, loyalty is a word you don't know the meaning of.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16But Angus is my cousin and he will be so hurt and disappointed
0:13:16 > 0:13:20if he thought that I had let him down.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Besides, he might decide to show the polis the letter I sent him.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- Well, what's happening?- The polis are still out there.- I knew it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06We should never have turned back.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09We should have kept on going when I told you to.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You're nothing but a coward, MacPhail, a coward!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15From the tip of your ingrown toenail to the top of your greasy bonnet!
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Now, now, now, let's not be having words amongst ourselves.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Oh, dear. There was no point in running away, Dan.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25He'd have caught us in the long run.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I'm telling you we'd have got clean away if you'd done as I suggested.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Whoever heard of a steam puffer crossing the Atlantic?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33That's right, Dan.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37We would have needed at least another two bags of coal.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Well, the Irish Free State, then. We could have made Ireland dead easy.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46It wouldn't have worked, Dan. They'd have sent word to the Inter-Polis.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- The What?- The Inter-Polis.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51And they're the very devils for extradition.
0:14:51 > 0:14:57Not at all, not at all! Have you never heard of political asylums?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01By Jove!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Once you've got into one of these places,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05you might not...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:15:07 > 0:15:10You know, I had a cousin up in Barra once.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Besides, distilling whisky's not a political offence.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14It's against the government, isn't it?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Oh, it's not the same thing at all. - I tell you!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oh, be quiet, the two of you while I'm trying to think!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22It's your thinking that got us into this trouble in the first place.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26No, no, get abroad. That's the answer.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Yes, sir, I'll be able to carve out a new future for myself.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I might even change my name.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35What would you change it to, Dan?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Well, I've always fancied Victor.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39- Victor?- Yes.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, no. I think you're more of a Robert.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Funny thing is I've always thought of you as a Robert.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46- Have you?- Aye.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Robert.- Aye.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Robert MacPhail.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54It's my second name I want to change.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Well, you're not going abroad in my boat, Dan Victor Robert MacPhail
0:15:59 > 0:16:01or whatever it is you want to call yourself.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03And that is an end of it.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Now, then, Dougie,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06do you recognise that policeman that's sitting up there?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- No, I've never seen him before, Para.- No, me neither.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Be different, now, if it had been the sergeant.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15But, well, since I don't recognise him,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19there's a good chance that he won't know me either.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Hey, Para, what have you got in mind?- Oh, just a wee chat.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23That's all. Just a wee chat.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28By Jove! We're in trouble this time, right enough.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Let's see. Let's just have a wee think about it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Maybe we'll be able to see a way out of this.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Here! I've got it!- BOTH:- What?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43How about Kenneth?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Oh, Kenneth's a lovely name.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49James, at a time like this, it's not names we'll be having,
0:16:49 > 0:16:50it's numbers.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00By Jove, it's going to be a bad one, eh?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I didn't see you there. What was that?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I was just saying to my mate Dougie, there,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"Oh, look at that polisman's devotion to duty,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10"sitting up there without even as much as an umbrella."
0:17:10 > 0:17:13What would I want with an umbrella? It's not raining.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Look, blue skies, not a cloud in sight.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Well, it's always like that just before a hurricane.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Hurricane? What hurricane?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Then you haven't heard the shipping forecast.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Oh, man, man, it is leaving a trail of devastation.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31You know that boats have been sinking
0:17:31 > 0:17:35and licensed premises have been flooded?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Get away!- Ah, if Dougie was here, he would tell you.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41You know, there's prefabricated houses in Glasgow
0:17:41 > 0:17:43that used to be in Edinburgh.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And it's coming this way.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51If I was you, I would go home and get a raincoat.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Don't think the sergeant would be very pleased.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- You see, I'm supposed to be guarding that barrel.- What a disgrace!
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Keeping you on a job like this
0:17:57 > 0:18:00when there are people out there committing crimewaves.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Well, you see...
0:18:03 > 0:18:07It's not so much the barrel, its what's inside the barrel.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- The barrel's full of whisky.- Whisky!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Oh, never!- I'm telling you.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14There's not a drop of it's paid duty.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Is there no end to human depravity?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, you'd be surprised.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19You'd be surprised, captain.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23You take that old man we arrested this morning, Angus McFarlane.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You'd think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth
0:18:25 > 0:18:27but we caught him red-handed with this.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Well, I hope you'll show him no mercy.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Oh, we've got him this time.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32That's the evidence.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I'll tell you what's more,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36soon find out who it was meant for.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Oh!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Have I not just thought of the most ingenious idea!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Man, you'll be fair amazed at its brilliance.- What is it, Dougie?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59While the policeman's attention is elsewhere,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Para, me and MacPhail will run across and steal the barrel.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Oh, that's a good idea.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06But supposing he sees you taking it?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Ah, but he won't, Sunny James.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12He'll be far too busy saving a young man from drowning.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Oh, that's a great idea!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It'll no' work.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Sounds all right to me.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Aye, but who's the man that's drowning?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Well, now, it's not the sort of thing we can ask a stranger to do.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- It'll have to be one of us. - Aye, which one?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Well, now, that's a matter for discussion.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Oh, I see. And while the man's drowning,
0:19:34 > 0:19:35you three go and steal the barrel of whisky?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Just so.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Doesn't sound like a very long discussion.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Well, here's Para. We'll let him decide.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- What did you find out? - We haven't much time, Dan.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50The sergeant is coming down with a van to the end of the pier
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- to take the whisky up to the station. - We're done for!- Aye.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Oh, this time we're done for!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57What made them suspect Angus in the first place?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh, it is a tragic tale of human greed, Dougie,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and should be a lesson to us all.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You see, when Angus had finished distilling the whisky,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08he was left with six hundredweights of barley mash to be got rid of.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10He should've dumped it out of the end of the pier.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Aye, so he should have,
0:20:11 > 0:20:15but, instead of that, he sold it for animal feeding.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17And, two days later, the polismen heard...
0:20:17 > 0:20:21The polis heard that the milkman was drunk in charge of his horse.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23And was he?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26No, the horse was drunk in charge of a milkman.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Man, that's terrible!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Aye, and not only the milk horse, either.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34He was selling it to all the farmers
0:20:34 > 0:20:38and now there isn't a cow in the district that hasn't got a hangover.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40By Jove! It's fair disgraceful!
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Aye, to think they're assessing all the milk bottles for their TT.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Ah, heck, never you mind, Para.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50While you were away, I thought up an idea.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51It'll not work.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Well, you can forget about it anyway because I have a better one.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Now, Jim, go you and get your melodeon now.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Dougie, MacPhail, you put the dinghy over the side.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02The melodeon? What for?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Because we're going to have a wee concert at the end of the pier.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44# Oh, Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky
0:21:44 > 0:21:47# Campbeltown Loch, och, aye... #
0:21:47 > 0:21:48What's all this?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50What's all this?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53We're just having a wee singsong, Constable.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You know, when I take it into my head to have a song,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58there's no holding me back. Have you any objections?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Well... Well, you could be disturbing the peace.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Disturbing the peace with nothing here to hear me
0:22:03 > 0:22:05but yourself and the seagulls?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07And, if they don't like us, they'll soon let us know.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Aye, just so, Sunny Jim.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11And we can't be breaking any bylaws.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13You can do what you like on this pier
0:22:13 > 0:22:15apart from committing murder and swearing on Sundays.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh, well, do you have to...
0:22:17 > 0:22:18HE STOMPS
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I mean it cannae be very good for the timbers.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22By Jove! Will you hear the man!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Do you not know that the feet stamping
0:22:24 > 0:22:27is the most interesting part of the performance?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29He's got to keep time, hasn't he?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Aye, if only I had my other boots on, eh?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35These ones are too light for singing with.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39# Oh, Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky
0:22:39 > 0:22:41# Campbeltown Loch, och aye
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# Oh, Campbeltown Loch I wish you were whisky... #
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Oh, you...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25# How nice it would be if the whisky was free
0:23:25 > 0:23:27# And the loch was filled up to the brim
0:23:27 > 0:23:29# Oh, Campbeltown Loch I wish you were whisky... #
0:23:31 > 0:23:33PARA SCREAMS
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Hee-ha!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58HE STRUGGLES
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Sober up, Dan.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30HE SLURS
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Dan, Dan, do you hear me?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Dan, we've got to get out of here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40HE SLURS
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Dan! We need you to work the engines. Come on.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Hey, Dougie, will you give us a dram, eh?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52After 26 courses of Campbeltown Loch,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I feel I need a wee bit of lubrication.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Hey, what is Dan MacPhail doing there having a sleep
0:24:59 > 0:25:01when he should be down stoking the boiler?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04He's not asleep. He's drunk.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07You see, after we filled all these buckets and things,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10there was still half a gallon of whisky left in the vat.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Well, he didn't want to see it go to waste.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And he stuck his mouth under the hole? Ah, Dan!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21He'll not be sober till Tuesday week!
0:25:23 > 0:25:27By the time the polis get here, we should be halfway to Glasgow.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Maybe if we hung upside down and let him drip, eh?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33That would take too long.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34HE SLURS
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Oh, Para, we've got to dump that whisky over the side
0:25:37 > 0:25:38before they arrive.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Ah, no, somebody might see us.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43No, we need to hide it somewhere.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Aye, and I know just the very place.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Everything under control, Sergeant. - Good.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I've left the van up at the end of the pier
0:25:57 > 0:25:59so we'll just lift this thing up
0:25:59 > 0:26:01and proceed up there with it in an orderly manner.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09One, two, three. Heave!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Fraser.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Yes, Sergeant?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Put it down.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Yes, Sergeant.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Well?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Feels empty, Sergeant.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Is that a fact?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You're wasted in the uniform branch.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I know it's empty, you know it's empty, but how did it get empty?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I don't know, Sergeant, honest! I've been here all the time.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40I was sitting on it.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42This barrel was full of whisky when I left here.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Fraser, let me smell your breath.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47No, no, no. It's impossible.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Now, think,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- has there been anyone else loitering about here beside yourself?- No.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Aye! Aye, there was. There was two men.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56One of them had a melodeon
0:26:56 > 0:27:00and the other sang 26 choruses of Campbeltown Loch.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01No, honest, Sergeant. You know!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# Oh, Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky... #
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It is possible! You've been at it, haven't you?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08You drank it all, didn't you not?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10No, Sergeant! Honest I didn't!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It was two men. Off a puffer!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Off a puffer? What puffer...?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18The Vital Spark.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Here you are, Dan.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23This'll sober you right away.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24It's instant coffee.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Do you not like it?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29What's going on here, eh?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What's happening here?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Aye, coming aboard and searching a merchant marine vessel
0:27:36 > 0:27:37without a warrant.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41You've got the stuff hidden somewhere, Para Handy.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42And I've found it.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45The place smells like a distillery.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47What's that about a distillery?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50You're taking the chrome off my whistle.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54You see, it's my engineer who smells like a distillery and not the boat.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59Aye, well, you tell him not to breathe on me when I'm in uniform.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01You must have hid it somewhere.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Where have you put the whisky?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Well, you see, you've searched everywhere and you cannae find it.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Well, you've destroyed valuable evidence
0:28:13 > 0:28:15and you've got away with it this time
0:28:15 > 0:28:18but, mind, I'm watching you.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I don't like your attitude!
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Let me at them and I'll throw the two of them overboard!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Where have you put the whisky, Para?
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Never you mind, MacPhail.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37But just stand well back the next time you light that boiler.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Aye, Dougie, she's making good speed, eh?
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Must be doing ten knots at least.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Aye, and so she should.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01Shame the steam's 90% water and 10% whisky.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Ah, well, there's no point in being bitter, eh?
0:29:03 > 0:29:06At least my cousin Angus'll get to his daughter's wedding.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Grand piano or no.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10I suppose that's the main thing.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Para, there's a rowing boat coming across our bows.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14Give him a blast.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17WHISTLE BLARES
0:29:17 > 0:29:19WHISTLE HICCUPS
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Well, damn me, Dougie!
0:29:23 > 0:29:27That's the first time I ever heard a steam puffer with a hiccup, eh!