Dawn French Live: 30 Million Minutes

0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language

0:00:04 > 0:00:06Ladies and gentlemen, this is an announcement.

0:00:06 > 0:00:09May we remind you that the use of photography during the performance

0:00:09 > 0:00:12is strictly forbidden, and please turn off all mobile phones.

0:00:12 > 0:00:14We wish to warn you that this show is of no interest whatsoever

0:00:14 > 0:00:17to people who are harsh or critical.

0:00:17 > 0:00:21It is fact that only utterly lovely people will enjoy it.

0:00:21 > 0:00:24Therefore, any total tossers may as well go home now.

0:00:26 > 0:00:30We also wish to warn you this show may contain nuts.

0:00:30 > 0:00:32Thank you.

0:00:32 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:38 > 0:00:41Ah, hello!

0:00:44 > 0:00:46Yes!

0:00:47 > 0:00:49Hooray!

0:00:49 > 0:00:52Oh, how lovely to see you!

0:00:52 > 0:00:55Good evening, ladles and jelly spoons.

0:00:55 > 0:00:57Right, first off, let me reassure you,

0:00:57 > 0:01:0030 Million Minutes is not the length of the show...

0:01:01 > 0:01:04..it's just how long I've been alive.

0:01:04 > 0:01:0730 million minutes is 59 years, give or take a minute,

0:01:07 > 0:01:10and don't worry, we're not going to be here for 59 years, all right?

0:01:10 > 0:01:13With any luck, we'll have this all wrapped up, quick sticks,

0:01:13 > 0:01:16including a lovely interval - mine's a gin and tonic,

0:01:16 > 0:01:17if I may be so bold,

0:01:17 > 0:01:20no-one's ever bothered, please feel free -

0:01:20 > 0:01:24and then, afterwards, everyone can make their own transport arrangements,

0:01:24 > 0:01:26and so long as you all bob me a quick text to let me know

0:01:26 > 0:01:29that you're home safely, I'm happy with that.

0:01:29 > 0:01:32Good. So, a little bit of reassurance there,

0:01:32 > 0:01:34but, conversely...

0:01:34 > 0:01:37I'm afraid I do have to stress you out a little bit,

0:01:37 > 0:01:41because there's a certain amount of urgency about this show tonight,

0:01:41 > 0:01:44because, tonight, a Sword of Damocles

0:01:44 > 0:01:46is hanging over all of us this room.

0:01:49 > 0:01:52Well, OK, over me,

0:01:52 > 0:01:54because the time we have together tonight

0:01:54 > 0:01:57may well prove to be the only time I have left.

0:01:57 > 0:02:00Well, the only lucid time I have left.

0:02:00 > 0:02:04Let me clarify. This next 120 minutes

0:02:04 > 0:02:07represents the sliver of time

0:02:07 > 0:02:10between the madness of my menopause...

0:02:10 > 0:02:13now, thankfully, over, more anon...

0:02:13 > 0:02:17and the impending madness of my dementia...

0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER

0:02:19 > 0:02:22..which I'm absolutely sure has already started.

0:02:22 > 0:02:24Of my dementia,

0:02:24 > 0:02:26which I'm absolutely sure has already started.

0:02:28 > 0:02:31So, you see this is the only time I have

0:02:31 > 0:02:34when I can tell you about some of the things I think I know.

0:02:34 > 0:02:36So, look, I'm going to have to keep it snappy.

0:02:36 > 0:02:38Looks at imaginary watch.

0:02:38 > 0:02:40So sit back, shut up,

0:02:40 > 0:02:44and be prepared to have the living shit talked out of ya!

0:02:44 > 0:02:46All right, here we go. OK. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:46 > 0:02:50No, no, no, no time for any of that, no time.

0:02:50 > 0:02:52Time, you see, that's the whole point.

0:02:52 > 0:02:54What you are looking at here,

0:02:54 > 0:02:56and also here,

0:02:56 > 0:02:58and especially here,

0:02:58 > 0:03:02is a time-starved husk of a woman.

0:03:02 > 0:03:07How come I seem to live my life six months in arrears?

0:03:07 > 0:03:09How am I ever going to catch up?

0:03:09 > 0:03:11Of course, I know what I need.

0:03:11 > 0:03:13Do you know what a fermata is?

0:03:13 > 0:03:15It occurs in music.

0:03:15 > 0:03:18It's a pause of unspecified length

0:03:18 > 0:03:20where everything just stops.

0:03:20 > 0:03:21And that's what I need.

0:03:21 > 0:03:25I need everything to just stop, and then I can catch up,

0:03:25 > 0:03:27so I flick a switch...

0:03:27 > 0:03:29you all just stop like that,

0:03:29 > 0:03:33frozen in time, whilst I just go about my business,

0:03:33 > 0:03:34reading what I've got to read,

0:03:34 > 0:03:37and writing what I've got to write, and doing all my thinking,

0:03:37 > 0:03:39both important and daydreaming.

0:03:39 > 0:03:42I'll have a little kip, I'll kiss my dog full-on the lips... You know,

0:03:42 > 0:03:46all the really crucial stuff, do all of that, really catch up,

0:03:46 > 0:03:48then I'll flip the switch again...

0:03:48 > 0:03:49and I'll get back into the slipstream of time

0:03:49 > 0:03:51along with the rest of you,

0:03:51 > 0:03:55and that's me cock-of-the-hoop, time-wise, totally caught up.

0:03:55 > 0:03:59Ooh, and by the way, when I've got you all frozen in the fermata,

0:03:59 > 0:04:02don't think for a minute that I won't be up to all sorts of mischief,

0:04:02 > 0:04:03because I absolutely will.

0:04:03 > 0:04:07I'm definitely going to have a little peek down your pants.

0:04:07 > 0:04:10Yeah! I might nick your shoes, if I fancy them,

0:04:10 > 0:04:13and I probably am going to lick you up the face.

0:04:14 > 0:04:16And you know you, there?

0:04:16 > 0:04:18You know your girlfriend? Well,

0:04:18 > 0:04:21while she is frozen in the fermata like this,

0:04:21 > 0:04:23I'm just going to creep up to her,

0:04:23 > 0:04:27and in her ear I'm going to whisper all about the other women

0:04:27 > 0:04:30you regularly sleep with, and then I'm going to creep off again,

0:04:30 > 0:04:35and then when time starts again, she'll just suddenly know,

0:04:35 > 0:04:37and she won't know how she knows.

0:04:37 > 0:04:39Lovely. That'll learn ya.

0:04:39 > 0:04:41So, time, yeah.

0:04:41 > 0:04:45Look, I do have a certain amount of time confusion,

0:04:45 > 0:04:48I will admit that, because I'm 59, right,

0:04:48 > 0:04:51and apparently that is middle-aged.

0:04:52 > 0:04:54How can it be middle-aged?

0:04:54 > 0:04:57Unless I'm going to live to be 118,

0:04:57 > 0:05:00and that seems unlikely. So, God,

0:05:00 > 0:05:04have I been alive longer than I'm not going to be alive?

0:05:04 > 0:05:06Am I more than halfway through?

0:05:06 > 0:05:07Oh, God! You see?

0:05:07 > 0:05:11Time, it's the non-negotiable currency

0:05:11 > 0:05:13that you can't stop counting.

0:05:13 > 0:05:18Like, for instance, I've used up 30 million of my minutes so far,

0:05:18 > 0:05:21and all the time I'm asking myself, "Can I get some more?"

0:05:21 > 0:05:25And if so, where from, and who from?

0:05:25 > 0:05:28Surely some people have got some spare minutes that I could haggle for,

0:05:28 > 0:05:32haven't they? You, for instance, madam, do you really need to be alive?

0:05:32 > 0:05:34Yeah, you do, yeah, yeah.

0:05:34 > 0:05:36Yeah, all right, you do, all right, keep your hair on!

0:05:36 > 0:05:38All right. Well, not you, then, not you.

0:05:38 > 0:05:41But what about horrid,

0:05:41 > 0:05:45violent, abusive, murdering bastards?

0:05:45 > 0:05:49Couldn't I procure some of their spare minutes that they don't deserve?

0:05:49 > 0:05:51Sorry if that sounds a tad judgmental, but you know,

0:05:51 > 0:05:54I would consider a fair exchange, like,

0:05:54 > 0:05:56you, horrid, violent, abusive,

0:05:56 > 0:05:59murdering bastard, you give me

0:05:59 > 0:06:01a million of your minutes,

0:06:01 > 0:06:04that's about a year and nine months, and in return

0:06:04 > 0:06:06I give you...

0:06:06 > 0:06:08a hatchback!

0:06:08 > 0:06:11Or a pony, or some cake, or something.

0:06:11 > 0:06:14That seems like a reasonable, decent deal to me.

0:06:14 > 0:06:17Surely Donald Weetabix-head Trump...

0:06:20 > 0:06:25..or Ann Widdecombe, or anybody from the cast of Made In Chelsea...

0:06:26 > 0:06:31..surely those people aren't entitled to their full quota of life, are they?

0:06:31 > 0:06:34Anyway, anyway, anyway, never mind how long have I got,

0:06:34 > 0:06:36because I haven't really got enough time for that.

0:06:36 > 0:06:40The more pressing question is - who am I?

0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, look, of course I do know my name,

0:06:42 > 0:06:45I am Dawn French, but, you see,

0:06:45 > 0:06:48I'm also Moo French to my close friends and family,

0:06:48 > 0:06:51and I'm Mrs D Bignell.

0:06:51 > 0:06:54My point is that I'm someone's mother, I'm someone's wife,

0:06:54 > 0:06:57I'm someone's sister. I'm a cousin, I'm a godmother,

0:06:57 > 0:06:59I'm a client, a pimp,

0:06:59 > 0:07:01a killah!

0:07:01 > 0:07:03I'm all of these things.

0:07:03 > 0:07:05But for the purposes of tonight's show,

0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm going to put all of those mini-me's

0:07:08 > 0:07:11into a giant metaphorical tombola drum,

0:07:11 > 0:07:13I'm going to whizz it round till I puke,

0:07:13 > 0:07:15then I'm going to pull out a few fragments

0:07:15 > 0:07:17to see if I can make sense of it all,

0:07:17 > 0:07:22because, after all, how do you be a person?

0:07:22 > 0:07:24Right, well, look,

0:07:24 > 0:07:27I started, like a lot of us, very young.

0:07:28 > 0:07:31As a baby, really, if we're honest.

0:07:33 > 0:07:34- CROWD:- Aww.

0:07:34 > 0:07:35Yep.

0:07:35 > 0:07:38With scarlet fever, apparently.

0:07:38 > 0:07:41My mum brought home an alarmingly red lump,

0:07:41 > 0:07:45covered with hundreds of stubbly crimson pimples,

0:07:45 > 0:07:49skin as raw and knobbly as vermillion sandpaper.

0:07:49 > 0:07:53My brother thought she'd given birth to a giant, screaming strawberry.

0:07:53 > 0:07:58Oh, God, he did not like the volume of me at all.

0:07:58 > 0:08:01In fact, he nicknamed me "The Foghorn",

0:08:01 > 0:08:04because apparently every time he would approach me,

0:08:04 > 0:08:05I would alert the parents by going,

0:08:05 > 0:08:09"Eeeeeeeeeaaaa!"

0:08:09 > 0:08:13The closer he got, louder the warning. "EeeeeaaaaAAAA!"

0:08:13 > 0:08:16Because he was my most immediate danger, you see,

0:08:16 > 0:08:21because he was intent on shutting me the hell up, permanently.

0:08:21 > 0:08:24I was intent on getting the most attention.

0:08:24 > 0:08:28For instance, he's called Gary, right?

0:08:28 > 0:08:32There we are. And one day, when we were about this age,

0:08:32 > 0:08:35I referred to him as Gazelle...

0:08:36 > 0:08:39..which was apparently a heinous crime,

0:08:39 > 0:08:41for which he thumped me.

0:08:41 > 0:08:44Now, if I'm honest, that thump didn't really hurt at all,

0:08:44 > 0:08:49but I managed to cradle my arm dramatically, like this,

0:08:49 > 0:08:51for eight hours until my mum got home from work.

0:08:53 > 0:08:57And by cradling my arm dramatically for eight hours,

0:08:57 > 0:08:59I actually injured my actual arm.

0:09:01 > 0:09:04So, that was ironic, but...

0:09:04 > 0:09:08I got sympathy, and I got attention. Yes!

0:09:08 > 0:09:12Funny how that need for attention still resonates with me now.

0:09:12 > 0:09:15I mean, between us, I think that performers

0:09:15 > 0:09:18have a proper sickness of need.

0:09:18 > 0:09:22At the root of all performers is a little toddler,

0:09:22 > 0:09:26in a nappy, going, "Mum, Dad, look at me!"

0:09:26 > 0:09:29Because we crave the approval, you see.

0:09:29 > 0:09:32And even when we get it, we want loads more.

0:09:32 > 0:09:35We're just greedy little toddlers at heart.

0:09:35 > 0:09:37MILITARY MUSIC PLAYS

0:09:37 > 0:09:39Ah!

0:09:39 > 0:09:42Yep, in 1961, I was nearly four,

0:09:42 > 0:09:44about two million minutes,

0:09:44 > 0:09:47when something happened to our little family.

0:09:47 > 0:09:51Now, we were living on an RAF base called Leconfield,

0:09:51 > 0:09:52because my dad was a sergeant,

0:09:52 > 0:09:55and basically we lived wherever his job was.

0:09:55 > 0:09:58So, there we were, in Yorkshire,

0:09:58 > 0:10:01and my only concern in life

0:10:01 > 0:10:04was how to accessorise my dog.

0:10:04 > 0:10:06DOG BARKS

0:10:11 > 0:10:14Yeah. It's a little bit cruel, but very amusing.

0:10:14 > 0:10:18So, anyway, one day Dad comes home from work, right,

0:10:18 > 0:10:21and he explains that we have been chosen

0:10:21 > 0:10:24as a suitable family to meet

0:10:24 > 0:10:27and have tea in our own home

0:10:27 > 0:10:29with a visiting dignitary,

0:10:29 > 0:10:32someone the camp top nobs are very excited about,

0:10:32 > 0:10:36someone called the Queen Mother.

0:10:36 > 0:10:38Now, I hadn't heard these words put together like that before, so,

0:10:38 > 0:10:42hang on a minute - not the Queen, then, but her mother.

0:10:42 > 0:10:45But not called the Queen's mother, like it should be,

0:10:45 > 0:10:47if we could all speak normally for a minute, please.

0:10:47 > 0:10:49No, this was the Queen Mother,

0:10:49 > 0:10:54the constitutionally correct but grammatically flawed...

0:10:56 > 0:10:57..ceremonial figurehead,

0:10:57 > 0:11:01and beloved mother of our Queen Elizabeth II.

0:11:01 > 0:11:03Listen, I didn't really understand it at all.

0:11:03 > 0:11:07All I knew was that someone massively queenie

0:11:07 > 0:11:11was going to be coming into our actual house, sitting on our settee,

0:11:11 > 0:11:14and putting her queenie lips on our actual teacups.

0:11:14 > 0:11:17That in itself, very, very exciting.

0:11:17 > 0:11:19What wasn't at all exciting

0:11:19 > 0:11:22was the tornado of stressy preparation

0:11:22 > 0:11:25the Dawn Mother went into.

0:11:25 > 0:11:30Oh, God, everything had to be dusted, and mopped, and hoovered,

0:11:30 > 0:11:34and antisepticked, and pegged out on the line and beaten,

0:11:34 > 0:11:35including us kids.

0:11:35 > 0:11:39We had new shoes, we had new outfits, and we had new haircuts.

0:11:39 > 0:11:44The Dawn Mother had a fabulous new perm, and a twin set,

0:11:44 > 0:11:47and the Sergeant Dawn Father, of course,

0:11:47 > 0:11:49wore his uniform.

0:11:49 > 0:11:52Oh, God, his uniform. I absolutely loved it.

0:11:52 > 0:11:56Sort of bluey grey with shiny buttons down the front,

0:11:56 > 0:11:57and a shiny belt buckle,

0:11:57 > 0:12:00and a polished peak cap that you line your fingers up with,

0:12:00 > 0:12:02like that, to salute.

0:12:02 > 0:12:05To me, that cap wasn't a cap at all.

0:12:05 > 0:12:09That was a crown, worn by the king of our family.

0:12:09 > 0:12:12Anyway, after hours and hours

0:12:12 > 0:12:15of agonising curtsying practice,

0:12:15 > 0:12:18finally the big day arrived.

0:12:18 > 0:12:20Now, we had been primed

0:12:20 > 0:12:25to refer to her as "Your Majesty", initially,

0:12:25 > 0:12:28and thereafter as "Ma'am, rhymes with Spam."

0:12:30 > 0:12:33Not "Ma'am, rhymes with Sparm",

0:12:33 > 0:12:36and certainly not "Merm..."

0:12:36 > 0:12:38LAUGHTER

0:12:41 > 0:12:43So anyway, there we stood on our front porch, right,

0:12:43 > 0:12:46tarted up in our best bibs and tuckers,

0:12:46 > 0:12:50brand-new everything, even new pants.

0:12:50 > 0:12:52I have to say, that did alarm me.

0:12:52 > 0:12:56Was the Queen Mother really going to be checking our pants?

0:12:56 > 0:12:58Christ, this is going to be a thorough inspection!

0:12:58 > 0:13:01Anyway, there I am with a rictus smile

0:13:01 > 0:13:04awaiting the arrival of a queen,

0:13:04 > 0:13:06when the big black car pulls up.

0:13:08 > 0:13:12Hang on, car? Where's the solid-gold carriage?

0:13:12 > 0:13:17And more importantly, where are the sodding unicorns?

0:13:17 > 0:13:20Surely the correct transportation for a Queen. But no,

0:13:20 > 0:13:23she just gets out of a car, and...

0:13:23 > 0:13:25What fresh hell is this?

0:13:25 > 0:13:27She's wearing a hat.

0:13:27 > 0:13:29Where's the blooming crown?

0:13:29 > 0:13:31Somebody call the police, cos the crown must have been nicked,

0:13:31 > 0:13:33cos she hasn't even got a crown on!

0:13:33 > 0:13:35I am beyond disappointed at this juncture.

0:13:35 > 0:13:38But it's too late, because the Queen Mother

0:13:38 > 0:13:40is barrelling up our garden path,

0:13:40 > 0:13:44she's floating towards us on a haze of lilac froufrou.

0:13:45 > 0:13:49Well, my brother and I followed the cue of the Sergeant Dawn Father,

0:13:49 > 0:13:54and we commenced our well-practised bowing and curtsying.

0:13:54 > 0:13:58And what happened next was the stuff of my nightmares for years to come,

0:13:58 > 0:14:01because as I arose from my

0:14:01 > 0:14:03rather well-executed curtsy, I thought,

0:14:03 > 0:14:06the Queen Mother smiled...

0:14:10 > 0:14:13..and she had virtually black teeth.

0:14:15 > 0:14:18Yeah, black teeth, like a witch.

0:14:19 > 0:14:21Because, believe me, when you're three years and nine months,

0:14:21 > 0:14:24black teeth equals witch.

0:14:24 > 0:14:27I couldn't believe that a Queen witch

0:14:27 > 0:14:31is coming into our house and nobody was doing anything to stop her.

0:14:31 > 0:14:33I was utterly dumbstruck,

0:14:33 > 0:14:35and I refused to look at her or talk to her

0:14:35 > 0:14:37for the entire rest of the visit.

0:14:37 > 0:14:40It was quite simply the most terrifying half-hour of my life.

0:14:40 > 0:14:43But guess what I found a couple of years ago

0:14:43 > 0:14:46in the RAF archives? Have a look at this.

0:14:46 > 0:14:48This is the actual day.

0:14:48 > 0:14:51Here she is arriving on the airbase.

0:14:51 > 0:14:53Now she is choosing an airman to have oiled up

0:14:53 > 0:14:54for the return journey.

0:14:55 > 0:14:59Now she's looking at a plane, poor love, endlessly doing that.

0:14:59 > 0:15:02Now she's on our garden path,

0:15:02 > 0:15:03and she's flanked by a chinless wonder,

0:15:03 > 0:15:05of course. That is mandatory.

0:15:05 > 0:15:07There's the paparazzi, my first dealing with them.

0:15:07 > 0:15:09Here she comes, up the path,

0:15:09 > 0:15:12and there is the Sergeant Dawn Father.

0:15:12 > 0:15:16There's the Dawn Mother, and now the bowing and the curtsying, please.

0:15:17 > 0:15:20And now, I've seen the teeth!

0:15:20 > 0:15:22"No. No. No.

0:15:22 > 0:15:25"No. All right.

0:15:25 > 0:15:26"But you can't come in, you're not coming in,

0:15:26 > 0:15:28"you're a witch, get out.

0:15:28 > 0:15:31"Get out of our house, now!"

0:15:31 > 0:15:32And she's in.

0:15:32 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:15:42 > 0:15:45Needless to say, that was an amazing day.

0:15:46 > 0:15:49Actually, of course, I had a very cheerful, blithe childhood,

0:15:51 > 0:15:54I was blissfully unaware of any difficulties

0:15:54 > 0:15:58or hardships that my parents might have been coping with.

0:15:58 > 0:16:02I had no idea, for instance, they were often struggling financially.

0:16:02 > 0:16:04You know, I really enjoyed the big,

0:16:04 > 0:16:08hearty bowls of stew that my mum cooked.

0:16:08 > 0:16:10I didn't realise until years later

0:16:10 > 0:16:13that she used to grate every potato

0:16:13 > 0:16:15and parsnip and onion and carrot

0:16:15 > 0:16:18and dilute it all with chicken-bone stock

0:16:18 > 0:16:20to make it all stretch further,

0:16:20 > 0:16:23the more and more members of our family came to live with us.

0:16:23 > 0:16:26I just thought the dumplings were getting fewer.

0:16:26 > 0:16:29Oh, boy, did I love that stew,

0:16:29 > 0:16:31cos it had Mum in it.

0:16:31 > 0:16:34Mum always knew that we'd come back for second helpings,

0:16:34 > 0:16:37so she took to dishing it up in giant serving bowls

0:16:37 > 0:16:39to save the return journey.

0:16:39 > 0:16:44So, little kids with giant bowls of chicken-y flavoured vegetable stew

0:16:44 > 0:16:49on our chests, in front of the wrestling on a Saturday.

0:16:49 > 0:16:50Do you remember the wrestling?

0:16:50 > 0:16:52WORLD OF SPORT THEME PLAYS

0:16:52 > 0:16:54Yeah!

0:16:54 > 0:16:56Yeah. Mick McManus,

0:16:56 > 0:16:59Jackie Pallo, Giant Haystacks...

0:16:59 > 0:17:01God, we loved it in our house.

0:17:01 > 0:17:03Used to sit on the settee and just scream at the telly,

0:17:03 > 0:17:05"Right, kill him!

0:17:05 > 0:17:07"Right, now, kill him".

0:17:07 > 0:17:10Totally believed they were mercilessly beating each other up

0:17:10 > 0:17:12every single Saturday afternoon.

0:17:12 > 0:17:16I didn't realise that this was basically showbiz.

0:17:16 > 0:17:19But the wrestling provided a backdrop for yet another

0:17:19 > 0:17:24French family Saturday ritual, because in the mornings,

0:17:24 > 0:17:26after us kids had done our chores,

0:17:26 > 0:17:28which usually involved shovelling tonnes of

0:17:28 > 0:17:31guinea pig, rabbit, hamster,

0:17:31 > 0:17:34horse, dog, tortoise, parrot

0:17:34 > 0:17:36and-whatever-else shit,

0:17:36 > 0:17:38we went to the shop, and as a treat,

0:17:38 > 0:17:43we were allowed to choose a quarter of whatever sweets we wanted, right?

0:17:43 > 0:17:45We pretty much always had the same.

0:17:45 > 0:17:47Dad had rhubarb and custard,

0:17:47 > 0:17:48Mum had raspberry ruffles,

0:17:48 > 0:17:53Gary had toffee bonbons, and I always had chocolate limes.

0:17:53 > 0:17:56So, we ate the sweets in front of the wrestling

0:17:56 > 0:18:00as a sort of hors d'oeuvre to the giant buckets of stew.

0:18:00 > 0:18:05Dad and Gary and I would devour the whole packet of sweets in one greedy

0:18:05 > 0:18:08sitting because it was too delicious, too tempting,

0:18:08 > 0:18:11couldn't resist it. Mum, on the other hand,

0:18:11 > 0:18:14would take just one of her very posh-looking raspberry ruffles,

0:18:14 > 0:18:16she'd untwirl the lovely red foil,

0:18:16 > 0:18:18and she would pop the chocolaty,

0:18:18 > 0:18:21coconutty, raspberry-y delight

0:18:21 > 0:18:24into her mouth, and... Mmm...

0:18:24 > 0:18:26savour every last taste.

0:18:26 > 0:18:31And then she would put her bag of sweets away,

0:18:31 > 0:18:34ready to bring out again the next night and have one more, and so on,

0:18:34 > 0:18:36until the end of the week.

0:18:36 > 0:18:40I think this was a lesson in frugality

0:18:40 > 0:18:42and self-control.

0:18:42 > 0:18:45This is a lesson I have yet to learn.

0:18:46 > 0:18:48One raspberry ruffle a night?

0:18:48 > 0:18:51How? How, in the name of God, how?

0:18:53 > 0:18:56Big respect to the Dawn Mother for that, I have to say.

0:18:56 > 0:19:00I tell you what I loved most of all, of course, was the weekends,

0:19:00 > 0:19:02because, privately, I would go up to my bedroom

0:19:02 > 0:19:05with various best-friend-type girls,

0:19:05 > 0:19:07and we would play, of course.

0:19:07 > 0:19:08Now, I must have been about...

0:19:08 > 0:19:13Mmm, about eight when my very bossy friend Jackie came over,

0:19:13 > 0:19:17and we were playing in my bedroom - you know, the usual stuff, dolls,

0:19:17 > 0:19:20pretending to be air stewardesses,

0:19:20 > 0:19:22pretending to work in a shop kind of a thing -

0:19:22 > 0:19:26and then she put on one of my mum's old nighties

0:19:26 > 0:19:28from the dressing-up box,

0:19:28 > 0:19:31and, honestly, the conversation went something like this...

0:19:31 > 0:19:35"Right, I'm on the bed, here's a lipstick,

0:19:35 > 0:19:37"you draw on me."

0:19:37 > 0:19:40"Oh, all right, Jackie. Um...

0:19:40 > 0:19:42"What do you want me to draw?"

0:19:42 > 0:19:44"Hoops around here."

0:19:46 > 0:19:47SHE GIGGLES

0:19:47 > 0:19:48"OK!"

0:19:49 > 0:19:52"Right, now round here,

0:19:52 > 0:19:55"where the front toilet is."

0:19:55 > 0:19:57SHE GIGGLES

0:19:57 > 0:19:58"OK!"

0:19:58 > 0:20:01"Right, now round here, where the back toilet is."

0:20:01 > 0:20:02"Yeah. OK!"

0:20:02 > 0:20:05"Right, now you can kiss me on here."

0:20:05 > 0:20:07"Right, thank you, Jackie."

0:20:07 > 0:20:10"No, say - 'Thank you, Doctor'."

0:20:10 > 0:20:12"Thank you, Doctor."

0:20:12 > 0:20:14"Right, now rub your tops."

0:20:19 > 0:20:22"Right, good. Right, now get up on the bed here with me."

0:20:22 > 0:20:24"Right, now, do sexing."

0:20:28 > 0:20:31"Ooh, la-la la-la la-la-la."

0:20:32 > 0:20:36"La-la le-la-la la-la. La-le-la. La-le-la. La-la la-la-la-la-la.

0:20:36 > 0:20:38"La-le-la-le la.

0:20:38 > 0:20:41"La-le la-le la-le la."

0:20:41 > 0:20:42"Yeah, good, good.

0:20:42 > 0:20:46"Right, now do sexing, but this time like a Chinaman."

0:20:50 > 0:20:54"La-le-la-le-la-le-la-la."

0:20:54 > 0:20:55"Right, good. Say thank you."

0:20:55 > 0:20:57"Thank you." "Thank you, Doctor!"

0:20:57 > 0:21:00"Thank you, doctor." "Right, now, get off."

0:21:00 > 0:21:03And then she put her normal clothes back on and we returned to pretending

0:21:03 > 0:21:07to work in a shop again, all perfectly straightforward(!)

0:21:07 > 0:21:09It was a little bit perverted.

0:21:10 > 0:21:14So, other than having plenty of Chinaman sex...

0:21:16 > 0:21:18..my main three passions as a kid

0:21:18 > 0:21:21were to become a prima ballerina,

0:21:21 > 0:21:23a bridesmaid and a pop star.

0:21:23 > 0:21:27And I was hell-bent on all three.

0:21:27 > 0:21:31But honestly, how wonderful was it to have imagination,

0:21:31 > 0:21:34without any limitation whatsoever,

0:21:34 > 0:21:36to be utterly assured in the knowledge

0:21:36 > 0:21:38that being a prodigiously gifted

0:21:38 > 0:21:42prima ballerina was well within my reach.

0:21:42 > 0:21:44That's me at the end, there.

0:21:46 > 0:21:50I was gloriously free to believe this - for two reasons -

0:21:50 > 0:21:55the first being simply the way that dancing made me feel.

0:21:55 > 0:21:58Uplifted and elegant and graceful.

0:21:58 > 0:22:02Nobody could deny me that, it was wonderful.

0:22:02 > 0:22:06Therefore I was wonderful when I was doing it.

0:22:06 > 0:22:10And secondly, I had absolutely no idea

0:22:10 > 0:22:13that I didn't have the perfect body for ballet.

0:22:13 > 0:22:17It didn't cross my mind that I might not be well-proportioned

0:22:17 > 0:22:19or tall or lithe or dainty.

0:22:19 > 0:22:21I thought I was all of these things,

0:22:21 > 0:22:23and much more besides.

0:22:23 > 0:22:25In fact, I still do think that.

0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER

0:22:29 > 0:22:34Now, the need for me to be a bridesmaid

0:22:34 > 0:22:38was, frankly, verging on psychopathic.

0:22:38 > 0:22:41What was the big deal?

0:22:41 > 0:22:43Was it the flowers, was it the dress?

0:22:43 > 0:22:44No, I know exactly what it was.

0:22:44 > 0:22:47Of course, it was the attention, wasn't it?

0:22:47 > 0:22:51You can see that I did manage to land the job three times.

0:22:51 > 0:22:56I am supremely fulfilled in all of these photos.

0:22:56 > 0:22:58But...on one occasion,

0:22:58 > 0:23:01my auntie and uncle announced that they were getting married,

0:23:01 > 0:23:04and I went stratospheric with excitement.

0:23:04 > 0:23:07This was surely in the bag, bridesmaid-wise,

0:23:07 > 0:23:10because I was pretty much the only niece on our side of the family,

0:23:10 > 0:23:12so surely it was a done deal?

0:23:12 > 0:23:16I spent weeks doing a little tippy-toes dance of excited anticipation.

0:23:16 > 0:23:19I had so many questions to ask my auntie

0:23:19 > 0:23:21when I was going to see her the following week.

0:23:21 > 0:23:24Like, you know, what was my hair going to be like?

0:23:24 > 0:23:26Would it be up or down, would there be ringlets?

0:23:26 > 0:23:28What colour would the dress be?

0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh, pray for pink.

0:23:30 > 0:23:33Would it be long or short or midi, would it have sleeves or just straps?

0:23:33 > 0:23:35Would there be gloves, maybe lacy gloves?

0:23:35 > 0:23:38What would the nature of the shoe be?

0:23:39 > 0:23:43Might this, at last, please, God, finally,

0:23:43 > 0:23:46be my first opportunity to wear tights?

0:23:47 > 0:23:49Tan tights?

0:23:49 > 0:23:52American tan tights?

0:23:52 > 0:23:54I could only dare to dream.

0:23:54 > 0:23:57Well, the day came that Auntie Joan

0:23:57 > 0:24:01took me for a walk around Buntingsdale Lake.

0:24:01 > 0:24:04Oh, my holy God, this was it,

0:24:04 > 0:24:06the moment she was going to ask me.

0:24:06 > 0:24:10I tried to contain myself, but inside I was just screaming,

0:24:10 > 0:24:15"Yes! Yes, Auntie Joan, I will be your devoted handmaiden,

0:24:15 > 0:24:17"I will follow you up the aisle,

0:24:17 > 0:24:19"holding your gossamer train aloft",

0:24:19 > 0:24:21and all the while she's been blethering on,

0:24:21 > 0:24:23"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah",

0:24:23 > 0:24:27but I am in my own private, preparing-to-be-a-bridesmaid heaven.

0:24:27 > 0:24:29Yes!

0:24:29 > 0:24:30But now I do need to concentrate,

0:24:30 > 0:24:32because she seems to have a serious face on.

0:24:32 > 0:24:34Right, what is she saying?

0:24:34 > 0:24:36Something about too many nieces,

0:24:36 > 0:24:39odd numbers, not to be too upset...

0:24:39 > 0:24:41What, what, what, WHAT?

0:24:41 > 0:24:43What is she telling me?

0:24:43 > 0:24:45Oh, my actual God!

0:24:45 > 0:24:47Auntie Joan is telling me

0:24:47 > 0:24:50that I'm not going to be a bridesmaid!

0:24:50 > 0:24:52Me no bridesmaid.

0:24:52 > 0:24:54Not can bridesmaid be.

0:24:55 > 0:24:59I was absolutely devastated.

0:24:59 > 0:25:02But I was buggered if I was going to let her know, so, anyway,

0:25:02 > 0:25:05we walked home, and after they'd gone,

0:25:05 > 0:25:08I told my mum what had happened,

0:25:08 > 0:25:11just pretending that I don't mind at all. "Just leave it, Mum.

0:25:11 > 0:25:12"Don't make a fuss about it, it doesn't matter,

0:25:12 > 0:25:15"because I didn't even really want to be a bridesmaid!

0:25:15 > 0:25:18"It doesn't matter."

0:25:18 > 0:25:20Of course, my mum knew me much better than that.

0:25:20 > 0:25:22She knew that I was the kind of little girl

0:25:22 > 0:25:25who wanted bridesmaid blood.

0:25:26 > 0:25:29Well, we drove to Manchester to buy a new outfit

0:25:29 > 0:25:32for me for the wedding.

0:25:32 > 0:25:34We didn't discuss it, but we both knew

0:25:34 > 0:25:37that a lot rested on this outfit,

0:25:37 > 0:25:39because it needed to upstage

0:25:39 > 0:25:43those fecking chosen ones...

0:25:43 > 0:25:45the bridesmaids.

0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, like all revenge buys,

0:25:50 > 0:25:52it was pretty grim.

0:25:53 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER

0:26:04 > 0:26:06Yeah.

0:26:08 > 0:26:10As you can see...

0:26:10 > 0:26:12job done...

0:26:13 > 0:26:15..because the focus was lifted entirely away

0:26:15 > 0:26:17from the appointed bridesmaids

0:26:17 > 0:26:20to me, the dwarfish, fuchsia jockey child.

0:26:23 > 0:26:25All eyes on me!

0:26:25 > 0:26:28Mission accomplished. Lovely.

0:26:28 > 0:26:31Incidentally, very proud to tell you that I'm still at it,

0:26:31 > 0:26:36bridesmaid-wise, because a couple of years ago for Comic Relief, right,

0:26:36 > 0:26:39Miranda Hart had to arrange a couple's wedding,

0:26:39 > 0:26:41their real wedding, in a day.

0:26:41 > 0:26:46Well, guess who vigorously volunteered to be the bridesmaids?

0:26:46 > 0:26:49Yes! Get in!

0:26:49 > 0:26:51SHE LAUGHS

0:26:51 > 0:26:53MUSIC: A Whiter Shade Of Pale by Procol Harum

0:26:53 > 0:26:55My third ambition was to be a pop star.

0:26:55 > 0:26:58There I am, giving it a really good go.

0:26:58 > 0:27:02I would choose one of my favourite songs, I'd whack up the volume,

0:27:02 > 0:27:05and I'd just be that singer.

0:27:05 > 0:27:07I was about ten when I first heard this song,

0:27:07 > 0:27:09absolutely loved it.

0:27:09 > 0:27:13I was convinced it was about a gymnastics team

0:27:13 > 0:27:15on a boozy cross-Channel ferry,

0:27:15 > 0:27:19who see a ghost.

0:27:19 > 0:27:24SHE MIMES: # We skipped the light fandango

0:27:26 > 0:27:30# Turned cartwheels 'cross the floor

0:27:32 > 0:27:36# I was feeling kind of seasick

0:27:39 > 0:27:43# The crowd called out for more... #

0:27:43 > 0:27:46MOUTHS: More! More! More!

0:27:46 > 0:27:48SHE MIMES: # The room was humming harder...#

0:27:48 > 0:27:50MOUTHS: What does that mean?

0:27:51 > 0:27:54# As the ceiling flew away

0:27:57 > 0:28:02# When we called out for another drink

0:28:05 > 0:28:08# The waiter brought a tray

0:28:08 > 0:28:12# And so it w-a-a-s

0:28:12 > 0:28:15# A little later

0:28:17 > 0:28:20# As the miller told his tale

0:28:24 > 0:28:28# That her face at first just ghostly

0:28:28 > 0:28:34# Turned a whiter shade of pale... #

0:28:35 > 0:28:38SHE MIMES

0:28:42 > 0:28:45Ahh! Ahh!

0:28:47 > 0:28:50Between the ages of six and ten,

0:28:50 > 0:28:55Dad was stationed at various camps in Cyprus.

0:28:55 > 0:28:57Well, for us kids, Cyprus

0:28:57 > 0:29:00was one long, hot, lazy,

0:29:00 > 0:29:03cicada-rattling summer's day,

0:29:03 > 0:29:06interrupted by only one irritant...

0:29:06 > 0:29:07school.

0:29:07 > 0:29:10School was on the camp, and only in the mornings,

0:29:10 > 0:29:14because it was too baking hot to be in the classrooms after that.

0:29:14 > 0:29:17Mum and Dad would both be at work all-day long

0:29:17 > 0:29:20and, mad and irresponsible

0:29:20 > 0:29:22as it now seems on reflection,

0:29:22 > 0:29:26us kids would be taken, as a group of us,

0:29:26 > 0:29:30to the beach, every single day at lunchtime,

0:29:30 > 0:29:33and left there till the early evening.

0:29:33 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER

0:29:39 > 0:29:42No sun cream, just us in our swimmers,

0:29:42 > 0:29:45with a couple of coins each to buy a Fanta.

0:29:45 > 0:29:49So, we spent five hours

0:29:49 > 0:29:53every afternoon floating in the glittering,

0:29:53 > 0:29:57unbelievably blue Mediterranean Sea.

0:29:57 > 0:30:00We'd put on our snorkels,

0:30:00 > 0:30:03and we'd pretend to be dead.

0:30:06 > 0:30:09SHE BREATHES AS IF SNORKELLING

0:30:12 > 0:30:14The game was not to move a muscle.

0:30:14 > 0:30:17First to move loses.

0:30:18 > 0:30:21It was a good thing we didn't actually die,

0:30:21 > 0:30:24because we pretended to be dead so much, nobody would have noticed.

0:30:27 > 0:30:32I can vividly remember the sound of my deep breathing into the plastic tube,

0:30:32 > 0:30:35and trying not to drown in the dribble that collected there.

0:30:40 > 0:30:42It was quite hard not to move

0:30:42 > 0:30:44when bursting from the kid next to you

0:30:44 > 0:30:47came a yellow, hazy cloud...

0:30:49 > 0:30:51..of hot wee.

0:30:52 > 0:30:54SHE GROANS

0:30:59 > 0:31:03But even better than all those thousands of hours spent in the sea

0:31:03 > 0:31:06with those other kids during the week were the fewer hours

0:31:06 > 0:31:09spent in the sea at the weekends with Mum and Dad.

0:31:09 > 0:31:12First of all, there was the Lilo.

0:31:12 > 0:31:15We'd all sit on it in a row and try and push each other off,

0:31:15 > 0:31:18and I have had very little triumph in my life

0:31:18 > 0:31:20that matches the victory of

0:31:20 > 0:31:23having the Lilo all to yourself.

0:31:23 > 0:31:26Yeah, power.

0:31:26 > 0:31:28Dad would always stay in the water much longer than Mum,

0:31:28 > 0:31:32but best, best, best, best, best, best of all

0:31:32 > 0:31:37is when Dad pretends to be my own personal dolphin,

0:31:37 > 0:31:40whilst I hang around his neck and he speeds through the water,

0:31:40 > 0:31:43faster than any human surely can.

0:31:43 > 0:31:47How strong and broad and brown are his shoulders?

0:31:47 > 0:31:50And how beautiful does the water feel splashing on my face?

0:31:50 > 0:31:53And how safe do I feel when he tosses me in the air

0:31:53 > 0:31:56and I splosh into the water nearby,

0:31:56 > 0:31:59only to be scooped up by my dolphin dad,

0:31:59 > 0:32:01who is by now even making

0:32:01 > 0:32:04the required dolphin noises?!

0:32:04 > 0:32:07How much do I never want it to end?

0:32:07 > 0:32:11But it must, because I have important work to do

0:32:11 > 0:32:12back at the house.

0:32:12 > 0:32:16Now, then. There are two very important jobs

0:32:16 > 0:32:20that require my six-year-old attention in Cyprus.

0:32:20 > 0:32:23The first job is roller-skating.

0:32:23 > 0:32:28Now, this must be done, because I have been given a pair of metal,

0:32:28 > 0:32:30strap-on roller skates for Christmas,

0:32:30 > 0:32:35so it's vital I thunder up and down the pavement outside our house

0:32:35 > 0:32:38relentlessly till bedtime.

0:32:38 > 0:32:39Up...

0:32:39 > 0:32:41ROLLER SKATES CLANG

0:32:43 > 0:32:44..and down...

0:32:44 > 0:32:46ROLLER SKATES CLANG

0:32:48 > 0:32:49..and up...

0:32:49 > 0:32:51ROLLER SKATES CLANG

0:32:53 > 0:32:54..and down.

0:32:54 > 0:32:56ROLLER SKATES CLANG

0:32:56 > 0:32:59Never getting any better at it at all.

0:32:59 > 0:33:02But feeling like I'm covering acres of ground

0:33:02 > 0:33:06and, therefore, somehow seriously conquering it all.

0:33:06 > 0:33:08The other job that required my attention

0:33:08 > 0:33:10was the fence around the house.

0:33:10 > 0:33:14Now, I have painted a horse's head on the post,

0:33:14 > 0:33:17and Dad has attached a shoelace for reins,

0:33:17 > 0:33:21so it's vital that I sit astride this fence

0:33:21 > 0:33:24and cover miles and miles

0:33:24 > 0:33:27with my determined galloping.

0:33:27 > 0:33:31Galloping! Galloping, galloping galloping, and jump!

0:33:31 > 0:33:34And galloping, galloping,

0:33:34 > 0:33:36galloping, galloping, galloping, galloping, galloping!

0:33:36 > 0:33:38Now, listen,

0:33:38 > 0:33:40we all know what was going on with the jiggling on that fence.

0:33:43 > 0:33:47You know, I didn't entirely understand it.

0:33:47 > 0:33:51All I knew was that it was BLOODY AMAZING!

0:33:51 > 0:33:54SHE LAUGHS

0:33:54 > 0:33:56Can't quite believe I've told you that.

0:33:56 > 0:33:57Anyway...

0:33:59 > 0:34:04One other tinging clear memory that I have of Cyprus

0:34:04 > 0:34:06was what I later came to realise

0:34:06 > 0:34:09was actually the assassination of JFK.

0:34:09 > 0:34:13Because all I can remember is that the adults were in shock

0:34:13 > 0:34:17and they were crying, and they wanted tea with sugar in, and biscuits.

0:34:17 > 0:34:21Well, I wanted tea with sugar in, and I certainly wanted biscuits,

0:34:21 > 0:34:25and all I knew was that the way to get that was to cry

0:34:25 > 0:34:28and blub out, "Ohhhh...

0:34:28 > 0:34:30"Ooh, Kennedy's dead.

0:34:30 > 0:34:33"Ohhh, I can't believe it.

0:34:33 > 0:34:36"Oh, Kennedy is dead!"

0:34:36 > 0:34:39I'd absolutely no idea who Kennedy was...

0:34:40 > 0:34:43..but saying that got me LOADS of biscuits.

0:34:43 > 0:34:46So, thanks, Kennedy, whoever you are.

0:34:47 > 0:34:50I was forever following my brother around

0:34:50 > 0:34:53because I so wanted to be in his gang,

0:34:53 > 0:34:55and he SO wasn't going to let me.

0:34:55 > 0:34:57However, traipsing around after him

0:34:57 > 0:35:00gave me a very good opportunity

0:35:00 > 0:35:02to observe him with his mates.

0:35:02 > 0:35:05In other words, to look at boys.

0:35:05 > 0:35:07KLAXON SOUNDS

0:35:07 > 0:35:09Yes. Boys.

0:35:09 > 0:35:11What do they consist of?

0:35:11 > 0:35:15Is it really slugs and snails and puppy dogs' tails?

0:35:15 > 0:35:17Or is it more like snot and farts

0:35:17 > 0:35:21and smelling their arsey fingers that they'd just scratched their bums with?

0:35:22 > 0:35:25Yeah, yeah, it's the latter, yeah.

0:35:25 > 0:35:28I mean, if we're honest, boys are revolting and horrid

0:35:28 > 0:35:31and really we should just hurl huge concrete blocks at them.

0:35:31 > 0:35:35And yet I found them endlessly fascinating.

0:35:35 > 0:35:39Let me tell you the highlight of my week when I was a young teenager

0:35:39 > 0:35:41at boarding school in Plymouth, right.

0:35:41 > 0:35:43Now, I only used to board during the weeks.

0:35:43 > 0:35:47So, the weekends of freedom became incredibly precious.

0:35:47 > 0:35:51The preparation started in the middle of double French

0:35:51 > 0:35:53at the end of a Friday afternoon.

0:35:53 > 0:35:54Along with a couple of my mates,

0:35:54 > 0:35:57I became consummately skilled

0:35:57 > 0:36:00at secretly getting ready to leave school

0:36:00 > 0:36:03at 4:15 on the dot.

0:36:03 > 0:36:07Now, Mrs Whitfield was a vigilant and somewhat feared

0:36:07 > 0:36:12French teacher, but even in front of her I still managed,

0:36:12 > 0:36:15behind my desktop, to apply...

0:36:15 > 0:36:19forbidden foundation, lipstick, mascara...

0:36:21 > 0:36:23"Oui, Madame. Oui, oui, oui, oui."

0:36:25 > 0:36:27Aqua Manda perfume, deodorant...

0:36:29 > 0:36:31"Bon, Madame, bon!

0:36:31 > 0:36:34"Bon, bon, bon, bon, bon, bon, bon, bon."

0:36:35 > 0:36:39Even managed to roll up my skirt till it was a mini,

0:36:39 > 0:36:40take off my socks,

0:36:40 > 0:36:43put on my American Tan tights,

0:36:43 > 0:36:45take out my plaits, brush my hair...

0:36:47 > 0:36:49"Ouvre la fenetre."

0:36:51 > 0:36:54..all in readiness to bolt out of the door

0:36:54 > 0:36:56the minute that end-of-school bell rang.

0:36:56 > 0:36:59Within two seconds of that final clang I would be

0:36:59 > 0:37:03trawling up the road dragging my end-of-the-week suitcase behind me.

0:37:03 > 0:37:05As I approached the target,

0:37:05 > 0:37:08I'd be virtually exploding with excitement.

0:37:08 > 0:37:11The target was Goodbody's Caff,

0:37:11 > 0:37:14and the reason to go there was that it contained boys.

0:37:14 > 0:37:16KLAXON SOUNDS

0:37:16 > 0:37:18Lots of them.

0:37:18 > 0:37:21So, outside, my mates and I would have our final tweaks,

0:37:21 > 0:37:23you know, hair, cheeks,

0:37:23 > 0:37:25nipples, woo! Right, OK, OK.

0:37:25 > 0:37:28Take a deep breath. And enter.

0:37:33 > 0:37:34There they were.

0:37:34 > 0:37:38The pantheon of prize Plymouth College sixth-form boys,

0:37:38 > 0:37:42all sitting at one table, huddled round hot chocolates.

0:37:42 > 0:37:45We would nonchalantly breeze past their table,

0:37:45 > 0:37:47absolutely ignoring them,

0:37:47 > 0:37:50and go and sit ourselves down at the furthest table in the corner

0:37:50 > 0:37:52and nurse two Cokes between six of us.

0:37:54 > 0:37:58Oh, boy, did we ignore them.

0:37:58 > 0:38:02It was delicious to turn our backs on them, relentlessly reject them.

0:38:02 > 0:38:05Our plan seemed to work because they ignored us, too.

0:38:06 > 0:38:10Which of course we took to mean that they were gagging for it.

0:38:11 > 0:38:15Neither table made any eye contact and nobody said a single word.

0:38:15 > 0:38:19This sort of noncommunication could go on for three hours,

0:38:19 > 0:38:23until eventually one group, usually us, would be asked to leave,

0:38:23 > 0:38:26and so we would just slope off without so much as a glance

0:38:26 > 0:38:30or a grunt at them, until we were outside.

0:38:30 > 0:38:31"Oh, my God!

0:38:31 > 0:38:35"Oh, my God, I love him so much!

0:38:35 > 0:38:38"Oh, my God. Did yours ignore you?" "Yeah, mine ignored me, too."

0:38:38 > 0:38:40"I love him so much.

0:38:40 > 0:38:42"I'm going to have his name engraved on an ID bracelet."

0:38:42 > 0:38:45"Yeah, what is his name, actually?" "I don't know. I don't know."

0:38:45 > 0:38:49"I'm just going to marry him, that's all I know, because I love him so much!

0:38:49 > 0:38:53"Oh, oh, I hope I'm not pregnant. Oooh!

0:38:53 > 0:38:57"Right, let's meet here next Friday, do it all again, what a blast."

0:38:57 > 0:38:59It's bloody mad!

0:38:59 > 0:39:03I did of course have equal crush energy on grown-ups as well.

0:39:03 > 0:39:06Mostly on unattainably starry people,

0:39:06 > 0:39:08like David Cassidy.

0:39:10 > 0:39:13And of course on Steve McQueen.

0:39:13 > 0:39:15And on The Monkees..

0:39:16 > 0:39:18..especially Peter Tork,

0:39:18 > 0:39:21who was the best, no argument, and if you don't agree,

0:39:21 > 0:39:24you can shut up and you're stupid and you smell.

0:39:24 > 0:39:26I actually mean that.

0:39:26 > 0:39:31I did also have all-consuming crushes on other,

0:39:31 > 0:39:33rather more interesting people,

0:39:33 > 0:39:36like Nana Mouskouri.

0:39:37 > 0:39:40Yum. And on Val Doonican.

0:39:42 > 0:39:44Yum yum.

0:39:44 > 0:39:47And on Alexandra Bastedo.

0:39:47 > 0:39:50Do you remember her from The Champions? Absolutely gorgeous.

0:39:50 > 0:39:53But of course my biggest crush of all

0:39:53 > 0:39:55was on the divine,

0:39:55 > 0:39:56incomparable...

0:39:56 > 0:39:58Eric Morecambe.

0:39:59 > 0:40:02Oh, my goodness, yes.

0:40:02 > 0:40:06My love for Eric will never know an edge or an end, truly.

0:40:06 > 0:40:10He is my yardstick by which all other funny boys

0:40:10 > 0:40:13trip and fall before they even get out of the starting blocks,

0:40:13 > 0:40:14in comparison.

0:40:14 > 0:40:17You know how magnets beckon metal?

0:40:17 > 0:40:21Well, that is how I was drawn to Eric Morecambe.

0:40:21 > 0:40:23Sadly, I didn't ever get to meet him.

0:40:23 > 0:40:27Mind you, it was probably for the best, he'd have had to take a restraining order out on me.

0:40:27 > 0:40:30But to this day, I still love him,

0:40:30 > 0:40:33so God bless you, Eric Morecambe.

0:40:33 > 0:40:36So, for me, my passage through young adulthood

0:40:36 > 0:40:38wasn't too difficult, in the main.

0:40:38 > 0:40:41I was in constant negotiation with my courage,

0:40:41 > 0:40:43and with my confidence,

0:40:43 > 0:40:47but something I knew for sure was that in the choppier waters,

0:40:47 > 0:40:51my ballast most certainly was my family.

0:40:51 > 0:40:54The four of us had our own secret codes.

0:40:54 > 0:40:58We had our own jokes, we had our own personal shared stuff.

0:40:58 > 0:41:00The Fellowship of the Frenchies.

0:41:00 > 0:41:03Dad, Mum, Gary, Dawn.

0:41:03 > 0:41:06Four dots joined together, our family.

0:41:06 > 0:41:08Four corners of a square.

0:41:08 > 0:41:11So now, growing up. OK.

0:41:11 > 0:41:15How do you actually be a woman?

0:41:15 > 0:41:17Well, as far as I know,

0:41:17 > 0:41:19I am one physically.

0:41:19 > 0:41:22I mean, I seem to have the correct number of bumps and holes...

0:41:25 > 0:41:28..and nearly all of them are in the right place.

0:41:29 > 0:41:32I mean, I feel sure that a doctor or a lover would have told me

0:41:32 > 0:41:34if anything was proper wrong, wouldn't they?

0:41:34 > 0:41:37Do you know, I've been thinking a lot about this, recently.

0:41:37 > 0:41:40Just goes to show how long the journey is, up from Cornwall.

0:41:40 > 0:41:42I've been wondering, right,

0:41:42 > 0:41:46how many holes does a woman actually have?

0:41:46 > 0:41:49I mean, excluding eyeballs and skin pores, that would be silly

0:41:49 > 0:41:51to include those. I've done a tally, right.

0:41:51 > 0:41:54I think it's eight...

0:41:54 > 0:41:56but there are people who do say seven.

0:41:56 > 0:42:00So look, have a little think about it, you know,

0:42:00 > 0:42:02discuss it with your gynaecologist.

0:42:02 > 0:42:03Draw your own conclusion.

0:42:03 > 0:42:05Don't get back to me on it,

0:42:05 > 0:42:09because I've decided that it's part of a woman's mystery, isn't it?

0:42:09 > 0:42:12Like, you know, I am many, many,

0:42:12 > 0:42:13many, many holes.

0:42:15 > 0:42:17Yes, I am a colander.

0:42:19 > 0:42:22I am a golf course.

0:42:22 > 0:42:24I am Emmental cheese.

0:42:24 > 0:42:28Sorry, I digress. Right, where was I? Yes, yes, that's right.

0:42:28 > 0:42:31I was about 13 or 14, right,

0:42:31 > 0:42:33and I was treading water in a deep well

0:42:33 > 0:42:36of dangerously low self-esteem.

0:42:36 > 0:42:39For instance, in all of these pictures,

0:42:39 > 0:42:43I am firmly believing that I'm a hideous monster

0:42:43 > 0:42:45that no-one will ever want to kiss.

0:42:45 > 0:42:49And then something very key happened.

0:42:49 > 0:42:51I was going to a party on a Saturday night,

0:42:51 > 0:42:54and I was very excited and a little bit nervous about this party

0:42:54 > 0:42:57because a boy that I adored,

0:42:57 > 0:43:00a farmer's son called Neil, was going to be there.

0:43:00 > 0:43:03Now, I found Neil especially attractive

0:43:03 > 0:43:06because he spoke so openly

0:43:06 > 0:43:08about mating.

0:43:10 > 0:43:12I thought that was thrilling.

0:43:12 > 0:43:16Anyway, he'd been studiously ignoring me for weeks, right,

0:43:16 > 0:43:18and I was determined to get his attention.

0:43:18 > 0:43:21So, I decided to employ my secret weapon...

0:43:21 > 0:43:23hot pants.

0:43:23 > 0:43:25- Do you remember hot pants? CROWD:- Yeah.

0:43:25 > 0:43:29Yeah. What in God's name persuaded us to believe this was a good idea?

0:43:29 > 0:43:32Cos they only suited one person in the whole world, didn't they?

0:43:32 > 0:43:34And that was Twiggy.

0:43:34 > 0:43:38And I was so not Twiggy.

0:43:38 > 0:43:41But nevertheless, off I trolled to Trago Mills.

0:43:41 > 0:43:44Do you know Trago Mills?!

0:43:44 > 0:43:46- CROWD MEMBERS:- Yes. - Oh, I'm so sorry that you do.

0:43:46 > 0:43:48I'm so sorry.

0:43:48 > 0:43:52There is a support group that meets every Tuesday, if you need help.

0:43:52 > 0:43:53SHE LAUGHS

0:43:53 > 0:43:56For those of you who don't know Trago Mills,

0:43:56 > 0:43:59it's a huge, weird jumble of a discount store

0:43:59 > 0:44:02and there's lots of them dotted around the West Country.

0:44:02 > 0:44:05And the one near me was in Bodmin, right,

0:44:05 > 0:44:07and that is where I had spied

0:44:07 > 0:44:10a pair of purple suede hot pants,

0:44:10 > 0:44:14the only ones they had in a large.

0:44:14 > 0:44:18Now, if I'm absolutely honest, they didn't actually do up.

0:44:18 > 0:44:21But I loved them so much that I wanted them anyway, right,

0:44:21 > 0:44:24they had to be mine. So, get the picture.

0:44:24 > 0:44:27Brown suede wedge espadrilles,

0:44:27 > 0:44:29American Tan tights,

0:44:29 > 0:44:32far-too-tight not-doing-up purple suede hot pants,

0:44:32 > 0:44:35so thighs are bulging out, tummy's bulging out over the top,

0:44:35 > 0:44:37I can't breathe at all.

0:44:37 > 0:44:39I've got a cheesecloth smock on,

0:44:39 > 0:44:41I'm a mess of beads and bangles,

0:44:41 > 0:44:44big round black sunglasses

0:44:44 > 0:44:46and long, straight hair parted in the middle,

0:44:46 > 0:44:50like Ali McGraw in Love Story.

0:44:50 > 0:44:52I'm feeling a little bit shit,

0:44:52 > 0:44:53because not only can I not breathe,

0:44:53 > 0:44:56but I also can't walk.

0:44:56 > 0:44:59But I'm tottering hurriedly towards the front door at home,

0:44:59 > 0:45:02trying to avoid parents at all costs,

0:45:02 > 0:45:05when Dad suddenly pops his head around the door.

0:45:05 > 0:45:08"Ah, Pudding. Can you just bob in here a minute, please?"

0:45:08 > 0:45:11"No, Dad, I'm going to a party."

0:45:11 > 0:45:12"In HERE, madam."

0:45:13 > 0:45:15"Oh, GOD!

0:45:16 > 0:45:17"What is it?"

0:45:17 > 0:45:21This was bound to be a telling off or a curfew or something.

0:45:21 > 0:45:23"Right, well.

0:45:23 > 0:45:25"Nice lederhosen."

0:45:25 > 0:45:27LAUGHTER

0:45:28 > 0:45:30"They're not lederhosen!

0:45:30 > 0:45:31"Hot pants!

0:45:32 > 0:45:34"God!"

0:45:34 > 0:45:37"Well, whatever they are, you look a right bobby-dazzler in them,

0:45:37 > 0:45:39"don't you?" "Dad, honestly, I'm going to be late..."

0:45:39 > 0:45:41"Now, shush, Moo, listen.

0:45:41 > 0:45:44"How much do you think Mum and I love you?"

0:45:44 > 0:45:46"Oh, God... I don't know, a lot or something."

0:45:47 > 0:45:50"More than that, Dawn, much more.

0:45:50 > 0:45:54"When you were born, we realised that having a dear little baby girl,

0:45:54 > 0:45:57"having you, completed our little family.

0:45:57 > 0:46:00"The four of us, together, for ever.

0:46:00 > 0:46:01"Never forget how lovely you are, Moo.

0:46:01 > 0:46:05"You are a rare thing, you're a natural beauty.

0:46:05 > 0:46:09"You're a corker. How lucky would any boy be to have YOU on his arm?

0:46:09 > 0:46:13"Don't you dare ever be grateful for any boy's attentions.

0:46:13 > 0:46:15"Because YOU are the prize, my love.

0:46:15 > 0:46:17"Be choosy. Take your time.

0:46:17 > 0:46:20"You decide how, when and where, not them.

0:46:20 > 0:46:22"They'll wait. Know this, Pudding.

0:46:22 > 0:46:25"When you are out of this house, it's up to you to protect yourself,

0:46:25 > 0:46:28"your reputation and your dignity.

0:46:28 > 0:46:30"Now, we love you, and we need you.

0:46:30 > 0:46:31"Off you go."

0:46:31 > 0:46:36So I went to that party feeling ten-foot tall and fabulous in

0:46:36 > 0:46:40my hot pants. And Neil even came up to talk to me.

0:46:40 > 0:46:42But I wasn't having any of it.

0:46:42 > 0:46:44Because he was a mere mortal,

0:46:44 > 0:46:47and according to my dad, I deserved a God.

0:46:47 > 0:46:49LAUGHTER

0:46:49 > 0:46:52You see, it was very clever, what my dad did that night.

0:46:52 > 0:46:58Because just when I was seriously doubting myself, he gave me armour.

0:46:58 > 0:47:02And actually, I've been wearing it ever since.

0:47:02 > 0:47:05But you see, it took consideration to do what he did.

0:47:05 > 0:47:07And impeccable timing.

0:47:07 > 0:47:11I'm a massive fan of good dads, actually.

0:47:11 > 0:47:13Yeah, that is something I wanted to mention tonight.

0:47:13 > 0:47:16Something I feel certain of,

0:47:16 > 0:47:20and something I wanted to say to any dads who might be in the audience.

0:47:20 > 0:47:22Be in no doubt that your daughters,

0:47:22 > 0:47:24your darling daughters,

0:47:24 > 0:47:28will measure every significant male

0:47:28 > 0:47:30in their lives by you.

0:47:30 > 0:47:34So you'd better be a tip-top enough example of a proper man.

0:47:34 > 0:47:36Be someone to aspire to be like.

0:47:36 > 0:47:42Be decent and kind and cheerful and understanding and generous and funny

0:47:42 > 0:47:44and selfless.

0:47:44 > 0:47:45No pressure!

0:47:45 > 0:47:47LAUGHTER

0:47:47 > 0:47:48So, confidence.

0:47:48 > 0:47:50That's really what it was all about.

0:47:50 > 0:47:52And I'm aware that that can be a little bit tricky,

0:47:52 > 0:47:56because we can all feel a little bit shit sometimes, can't we?

0:47:56 > 0:47:58And I'm absolutely convinced that for a lot of women,

0:47:58 > 0:48:01those shitty feelings are often

0:48:01 > 0:48:04triggered by issues to do with our body shame.

0:48:04 > 0:48:06Grr!

0:48:06 > 0:48:07What a shame.

0:48:07 > 0:48:10Actually, let's have a little think about that.

0:48:10 > 0:48:13The body. OK.

0:48:13 > 0:48:15Well, basically, this is sort of it,

0:48:15 > 0:48:17isn't it, for most of us.

0:48:17 > 0:48:22So why don't I run you through my shortcomings as I see them?

0:48:22 > 0:48:25Right? Starting with - head.

0:48:25 > 0:48:28Yeah, relatively happy with all of this,

0:48:28 > 0:48:32I inherited most of this from my parents. My hair's quite thick,

0:48:32 > 0:48:34that keeps my head warm, that's good.

0:48:34 > 0:48:38I've got ears, eyes, nose, mouth, they all seem to work.

0:48:38 > 0:48:41Five of the aforementioned holes, by the way.

0:48:42 > 0:48:44Little clue there.

0:48:45 > 0:48:49Most of this is arranged in a fairly symmetrical pattern.

0:48:49 > 0:48:52I mean, obviously it's all crinkling a little bit with age, but, you know,

0:48:52 > 0:48:54come on, that's to be expected.

0:48:54 > 0:48:58And anyway, I think it's quite useful for rain guttering,

0:48:58 > 0:49:00to have a corrugated face.

0:49:00 > 0:49:02So I'm happy with that.

0:49:02 > 0:49:04So, moving on to - neck.

0:49:04 > 0:49:07Yeah. Well, this is irrelevant, because I haven't got one.

0:49:07 > 0:49:09LAUGHTER

0:49:09 > 0:49:11No, I just haven't got one.

0:49:11 > 0:49:15Absolutely nobody in my family has got a neck.

0:49:16 > 0:49:17Everyone in my family, right,

0:49:17 > 0:49:21goes directly from chin to chest without passing go.

0:49:21 > 0:49:23There's no inward curvature whatsoever.

0:49:23 > 0:49:27It's more sort of convex, like a gobble on a rooster.

0:49:28 > 0:49:32I mean, obviously this does lead to some jewellery crises.

0:49:32 > 0:49:35Because apparently, a necklace

0:49:35 > 0:49:36goes on a neck.

0:49:37 > 0:49:40Well, no havey necky.

0:49:40 > 0:49:42So, not buying your necklace, mate.

0:49:42 > 0:49:45No bitterness there whatsoever.

0:49:45 > 0:49:47So moving on to - shoulders.

0:49:47 > 0:49:48Yeah, shoulders.

0:49:48 > 0:49:50Well, they're OK.

0:49:50 > 0:49:52They're sort of functional, aren't they?

0:49:52 > 0:49:53They're quite good for shrugging.

0:49:53 > 0:49:56They're obviously where I keep my chips.

0:49:56 > 0:49:58Um, there's nothing really to see here,

0:49:58 > 0:50:01so moving along to arms.

0:50:01 > 0:50:02Yes. Arms.

0:50:02 > 0:50:04Now, these really are quite interesting,

0:50:04 > 0:50:07as they're definitely much shorter than is required.

0:50:07 > 0:50:11Especially on a very tall, willowy woman like me.

0:50:12 > 0:50:14Yes, I am tall and willowy!

0:50:21 > 0:50:22Rude!

0:50:24 > 0:50:26You'd imagine, wouldn't you,

0:50:26 > 0:50:29on a tall, willowy woman like me,

0:50:29 > 0:50:33that I'd be gifted lovely long, appropriate, elegant arms.

0:50:33 > 0:50:36But no, instead, I was given these.

0:50:36 > 0:50:39A couple of butchers' wives' stocky legs of mutton.

0:50:39 > 0:50:41I mean, you know, they're not pretty,

0:50:41 > 0:50:44I can't do strappy dresses or anything like that,

0:50:44 > 0:50:47but again, you know, they are fit for purpose.

0:50:47 > 0:50:51Because they work at carrying stuff and they go round a kid and they go

0:50:51 > 0:50:54round a husband, so I'm perfectly happy with that.

0:50:54 > 0:50:56So, moving on, to - hands.

0:50:56 > 0:50:58Yeah, hands, right.

0:50:58 > 0:51:01There they are, the end of my body.

0:51:01 > 0:51:04Look at them there, five cocktail sausages,

0:51:04 > 0:51:06flopping off the end, there.

0:51:06 > 0:51:08Quite untidy, really.

0:51:08 > 0:51:11Been described before as stumpy.

0:51:12 > 0:51:14But honestly, how amazing are they?

0:51:14 > 0:51:17Just in terms of sheer engineering,

0:51:17 > 0:51:19they're phenomenal.

0:51:19 > 0:51:21There's 27 bones in each one of those,

0:51:21 > 0:51:24and the densest area of nerve endings.

0:51:24 > 0:51:28And that whole opposable thumb thing that I do that reminds me that I'm a

0:51:28 > 0:51:33primate. And all the stuff I've done with these hands in my life.

0:51:33 > 0:51:36Like, you know, I've held my mum and dad's hands with them,

0:51:36 > 0:51:38I've held my own daughter's hand with them.

0:51:38 > 0:51:41I've played two-ball endlessly up against the garage wall with them.

0:51:41 > 0:51:43I've stood on them.

0:51:43 > 0:51:46I've held on at scary fairground rides with them.

0:51:46 > 0:51:49I've slapped an idiot's cheek with that one there.

0:51:49 > 0:51:51I've used that exact same one

0:51:51 > 0:51:54to shake Fatty Saunders's hand every single night

0:51:54 > 0:51:57before we went on stage or in front of a camera,

0:51:57 > 0:52:00I've had my future told from them...

0:52:00 > 0:52:01Charlatan!

0:52:01 > 0:52:03Um...

0:52:03 > 0:52:06LAUGHTER

0:52:06 > 0:52:09I've pinched and punched my brother with them.

0:52:09 > 0:52:12I've held my darling's face in them.

0:52:12 > 0:52:15I've put wedding rings on this one, twice.

0:52:15 > 0:52:17I've measured ponies with them.

0:52:17 > 0:52:19I do pointing.

0:52:19 > 0:52:21With... Ooh, that's something I wanted to mention tonight, actually.

0:52:21 > 0:52:25Do you know, I realise that I've been a fool for 59 years

0:52:25 > 0:52:27because for all of that time, right,

0:52:27 > 0:52:31I've been pointing with one finger when all of that time,

0:52:31 > 0:52:35it's so much more effective to point with all ten.

0:52:35 > 0:52:39LAUGHTER

0:52:42 > 0:52:44No, it's good, honestly, I urge you.

0:52:44 > 0:52:47I urge you. To point like this from now on.

0:52:47 > 0:52:49It's much, much, much, much better.

0:52:49 > 0:52:50Very satisfying.

0:52:50 > 0:52:51But honestly,

0:52:51 > 0:52:55everything I have ever touched in my life

0:52:55 > 0:52:57has been touched by these.

0:52:57 > 0:53:00So every single piece of chocolate...

0:53:02 > 0:53:04..that I've ever eaten,

0:53:04 > 0:53:07has been put in here by these.

0:53:07 > 0:53:10Thank you, hands!

0:53:10 > 0:53:12God, I love them!

0:53:12 > 0:53:15Who dares to call them stumpy?

0:53:15 > 0:53:18Well, look, here's another wonderful thing they do.

0:53:20 > 0:53:21Right, good.

0:53:21 > 0:53:24Good point, well made, I think.

0:53:24 > 0:53:27OK, right, so moving up and over now...

0:53:27 > 0:53:30Oh, God, here we go. There's absolutely no avoiding them...

0:53:30 > 0:53:32norks.

0:53:34 > 0:53:38Or baps, or Little and Large, or Wood and Walters,

0:53:38 > 0:53:41or if I'm absolutely furious with them,

0:53:41 > 0:53:44which I often am, because they're such show-offs,

0:53:44 > 0:53:45Ant and Dec.

0:53:45 > 0:53:46LAUGHTER

0:53:47 > 0:53:52Yeah. Well, look, I could do a whole show about just these, couldn't I,

0:53:52 > 0:53:55because frankly they do arrive everywhere before I do.

0:53:55 > 0:53:58They even arrived on my body before I was ready.

0:53:58 > 0:54:00What was I, three, four, something like that.

0:54:00 > 0:54:04Frankly, I can't remember not lugging these around.

0:54:04 > 0:54:07Do you know, once, right, I was on this radio show.

0:54:07 > 0:54:08I was doing an interview,

0:54:08 > 0:54:12and I decided to take my bra off and put it on my head,

0:54:12 > 0:54:17thereby proving that my entire head fitted into one cup...

0:54:18 > 0:54:21..of my 42G cup industrial bra.

0:54:23 > 0:54:25So I am in effect carrying around

0:54:25 > 0:54:28two entire head-sized lumps on my front.

0:54:28 > 0:54:31Frankly, it's amazing I've remained upright at all.

0:54:32 > 0:54:36So, yeah, all right, they're huge and lovely jubbly, wibbly wobbly,

0:54:36 > 0:54:39and oo-er, we're going to need considerably bigger buns,

0:54:39 > 0:54:42and wa-hey-hey-hey! And all the rest of it.

0:54:42 > 0:54:44But you know, calm down, what are they, really?

0:54:44 > 0:54:48They're just a couple of udders that boys regard as a theme park.

0:54:48 > 0:54:51Aren't they? Aren't they?

0:54:51 > 0:54:52No, you know, don't get me wrong.

0:54:52 > 0:54:54I love all that, you know,

0:54:54 > 0:54:56WHEN it's appropriate.

0:54:56 > 0:55:00But honestly, getting boys to concentrate...

0:55:00 > 0:55:02And by boys, of course, I mean men.

0:55:02 > 0:55:05And by men, I mean straight men,

0:55:05 > 0:55:08and by straight men, I mean boys...

0:55:08 > 0:55:10LAUGHTER

0:55:10 > 0:55:14Getting them to concentrate on anything else is a major feat.

0:55:14 > 0:55:17I spend a lot of my time going like this,

0:55:17 > 0:55:20to bring the focus up to my face.

0:55:20 > 0:55:23"Hello, I'm here to discuss my overdraft."

0:55:27 > 0:55:28Focus on my face.

0:55:28 > 0:55:30"What a beautiful service

0:55:30 > 0:55:32"and a fitting send-off for your lovely old dad."

0:55:35 > 0:55:37Focus on my face.

0:55:37 > 0:55:40"So if you could just talk us through my daughter's GCSE results?"

0:55:42 > 0:55:44Focus on my face.

0:55:44 > 0:55:48"Well, I've come to see you because I feel betrayed, and ugly,

0:55:48 > 0:55:51"and I'm hoping that these sessions will..."

0:55:51 > 0:55:52Focus on my face!

0:55:54 > 0:55:55"Sorry, what did you say?

0:55:55 > 0:55:57"Pop my top off?

0:55:57 > 0:55:59"How dare you?

0:55:59 > 0:56:00"Focus on my face.

0:56:00 > 0:56:04"Oh, sorry, you're the doctor and this is a breast check, sorry.

0:56:04 > 0:56:09"Sorry. As you were. Focus entirely on the lovely norks, thank you."

0:56:09 > 0:56:11So moving on now to belly.

0:56:12 > 0:56:14Belly, yes. Well, look,

0:56:14 > 0:56:19the fact is that I've never actually seen anyone else's body quite like

0:56:19 > 0:56:21mine in this respect.

0:56:21 > 0:56:23But I'm going to let you in on this,

0:56:23 > 0:56:26because this is one of the weirder parts of me, right.

0:56:26 > 0:56:29I am the only person I know

0:56:29 > 0:56:32who has a belly the exact same size

0:56:32 > 0:56:35and in the exact same position

0:56:35 > 0:56:37on the front of my body

0:56:37 > 0:56:39as my arse is on the back.

0:56:40 > 0:56:42No, that's true!

0:56:42 > 0:56:43No, that is true!

0:56:43 > 0:56:46Right, I'll show you! I'll show you, then!

0:56:46 > 0:56:48LAUGHTER

0:56:48 > 0:56:50APPLAUSE

0:56:52 > 0:56:54WHOOPING

0:56:58 > 0:57:00LAUGHTER

0:57:00 > 0:57:03How did that happen?

0:57:03 > 0:57:05Well, of course I know full well how it happened.

0:57:05 > 0:57:07Curly Wurlys, that's how.

0:57:09 > 0:57:14So I am, in effect, a sphere with legs, aren't I?

0:57:14 > 0:57:17Like a sort of M&M character, aren't I?

0:57:17 > 0:57:20Is it a good thing or a bad thing,

0:57:20 > 0:57:22do I really mind?

0:57:22 > 0:57:24In truth, I don't really consider it that much.

0:57:24 > 0:57:27If my belly gets bigger, I just get bigger trousers.

0:57:27 > 0:57:29Is that so wrong?

0:57:29 > 0:57:32I mean, the up side of having this big belly for so long

0:57:32 > 0:57:35is that I've got lots of loose-fitting tops.

0:57:35 > 0:57:38So I have become the go-to person

0:57:38 > 0:57:40for all of my pregnant friends

0:57:40 > 0:57:42to borrow my clothes for six months every now and again.

0:57:44 > 0:57:47Talking of bellies and babies,

0:57:47 > 0:57:51mine refused to cooperate in that department, just wouldn't make one.

0:57:51 > 0:57:54I mean, obviously I wasn't alone in THAT endeavour.

0:57:54 > 0:57:58And I wasn't alone in the responsibility, but, oh,

0:57:58 > 0:58:01boy, that was a very tricky time.

0:58:01 > 0:58:04It was like my belly was calling to me to become a mother,

0:58:04 > 0:58:08it was one of the most certain and powerful urges that I'd ever felt

0:58:08 > 0:58:12and it kept relentlessly not happening.

0:58:12 > 0:58:14And I wondered why it didn't work.

0:58:14 > 0:58:18I even wondered if perhaps we weren't supposed to have a baby,

0:58:18 > 0:58:21like it was somehow deemed that we shouldn't.

0:58:21 > 0:58:24And then, with IVF, miraculously,

0:58:24 > 0:58:26it did work.

0:58:26 > 0:58:29And then a couple of weeks later, it didn't.

0:58:29 > 0:58:33So big grief, more scans, more injections.

0:58:33 > 0:58:38And we started to dilute our happiness with this giant sadness.

0:58:38 > 0:58:42I mean, obviously we kept it all quiet, and private,

0:58:42 > 0:58:47so chirpy, normal life was going on all around us, totally unaware.

0:58:47 > 0:58:51Normal life, like when your friend gets pregnant by accident

0:58:51 > 0:58:53and asks you to go with her for her abortion.

0:58:53 > 0:58:57You don't know if you love her or hate her and it's so unfair.

0:58:58 > 0:59:02And then you work out that... of course you love her,

0:59:02 > 0:59:06it's just that life is one big, ugly

0:59:06 > 0:59:09awkward, irascible, cruel bitch,

0:59:09 > 0:59:13and you surrender. And you stop trying to MAKE a baby,

0:59:13 > 0:59:17and you start trying to FIND a baby.

0:59:17 > 0:59:20And that leads you to a mammoth adventure.

0:59:20 > 0:59:22But in the meantime, this belly

0:59:22 > 0:59:25became a sort of an adversary who lay dormant for 20 years

0:59:25 > 0:59:28or so after all that, until about five years ago,

0:59:28 > 0:59:33when I became quite ill with all kinds of hell kicking off in here,

0:59:33 > 0:59:35where I keep my lady plumbing.

0:59:35 > 0:59:38So much so that I can clearly remember one night

0:59:38 > 0:59:42when I was on my own up here in London, and I was doubled over

0:59:42 > 0:59:46with cramps and I was bleeding so badly that I decided

0:59:46 > 0:59:49to spend the night in the bathtub so as not to ruin the bed.

0:59:49 > 0:59:52And being typically British, of course,

0:59:52 > 0:59:56I decided not to call the doctor, so as not to ruin his night.

0:59:56 > 0:59:58LAUGHTER

0:59:58 > 1:00:01So I was choosing bleeding slowly to death in the bathtub...

1:00:03 > 1:00:05..over bothering someone.

1:00:05 > 1:00:09Well, anyway, eventually I did collapse, and I went to hospital.

1:00:09 > 1:00:14And my doctor was so convinced that I had uterine cancer

1:00:14 > 1:00:16that he ordered a second biopsy,

1:00:16 > 1:00:20to be sure, when the results of the first one came back clear.

1:00:20 > 1:00:23But even before the results of that second biopsy,

1:00:23 > 1:00:27I'd decided to be done with my old enemy,

1:00:27 > 1:00:29my defunct reproductive stuff,

1:00:29 > 1:00:32because it was curtailing my life.

1:00:32 > 1:00:35It was deciding how well or ill I was.

1:00:35 > 1:00:40So I made my peace with it, you know, "Thanks very much, womb,

1:00:40 > 1:00:42"for being part of making me female, and all of that.

1:00:42 > 1:00:45"I do think we could have cut a better deal.

1:00:45 > 1:00:48"Like, if you weren't going to make eggs good enough to make a baby,

1:00:48 > 1:00:51"you could have made me some chocolate eggs as a consolation prize.

1:00:51 > 1:00:54"But listen, your work here is done."

1:00:54 > 1:00:57So my womb and I parted company.

1:00:57 > 1:00:59Goodbye.

1:00:59 > 1:01:02So, that's my belly and its contents, which by the way,

1:01:02 > 1:01:04as I stand before you tonight,

1:01:04 > 1:01:07may not contain a womb,

1:01:07 > 1:01:11but most certainly does contain a tuna baguette!

1:01:12 > 1:01:16Yeah! And a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

1:01:16 > 1:01:17AND a Red Bull!

1:01:18 > 1:01:20Not an actual red bull.

1:01:20 > 1:01:22No, OK.

1:01:22 > 1:01:26And a quarter of chocolate limes, yes, of course, at all times.

1:01:26 > 1:01:30Yeah, all right, and a giant Toblerone that I got at the airport.

1:01:30 > 1:01:33Stop bullying me about it, please.

1:01:33 > 1:01:36So moving on now, southwards from belly,

1:01:36 > 1:01:41to this rather marvellous mysterious area here,

1:01:41 > 1:01:43The Growler.

1:01:45 > 1:01:47Yes.

1:01:48 > 1:01:51Yes. That's what I like to call it.

1:01:52 > 1:01:55Or Mary, or Minky,

1:01:55 > 1:01:57or Mumford & Sons.

1:01:58 > 1:02:00Um, you know, the beardy ones.

1:02:00 > 1:02:02Anyway...

1:02:03 > 1:02:04Look, look, look.

1:02:04 > 1:02:08There's absolutely nothing I'm prepared to share with you about

1:02:08 > 1:02:10this particular area of mine...

1:02:10 > 1:02:13HE'S looking a little bit relieved.

1:02:13 > 1:02:17..except to say that if you thought bosom examinations were a challenge,

1:02:17 > 1:02:22believe me, lady garden examinations are a Herculean task.

1:02:23 > 1:02:25Bluh-bluh-bluh!

1:02:25 > 1:02:28Oh, my God, a strange man has got his hand inside me.

1:02:28 > 1:02:30Bluh-bluh-bluh!

1:02:30 > 1:02:32Oh, God, he's up to his elbow!

1:02:32 > 1:02:33LAUGHTER

1:02:33 > 1:02:35Bluh-bluh-bluh!

1:02:35 > 1:02:38Oh, God, I seem to be having sex with something cold and metal.

1:02:40 > 1:02:41Bluh-bluh-bluh!

1:02:41 > 1:02:43Help me!

1:02:44 > 1:02:46So now, to hips.

1:02:46 > 1:02:51# Oh, baby when you talk like that You make a woman go mad... #

1:02:51 > 1:02:53Yeah, I'd just like to point out that Shakira, the singer,

1:02:53 > 1:02:55who I like VERY much, by the way,

1:02:55 > 1:02:58is in fact a mahoosive liar.

1:02:59 > 1:03:04Because her hit, this, Hips Don't Lie, THAT is a lie.

1:03:04 > 1:03:06Because on the very last night

1:03:06 > 1:03:09of the very last recording of the Vicar Of Dibley, right,

1:03:09 > 1:03:11we had a huge party to celebrate.

1:03:11 > 1:03:15This song came on and I got up to dance to it, and yeah, all right,

1:03:15 > 1:03:18I had had a LITTLE bit too much to drink,

1:03:18 > 1:03:20and I over-danced so much

1:03:20 > 1:03:23that I actually injured my actual hip

1:03:23 > 1:03:26and I had to walk on a stick for six weeks!

1:03:27 > 1:03:31So, Shakira, love, frankly, your hips DO lie.

1:03:32 > 1:03:35So moving on now to legs.

1:03:35 > 1:03:39Now, then. These really are quite interesting.

1:03:39 > 1:03:45Considering the fact that I have clearly been given someone else's.

1:03:45 > 1:03:46LAUGHTER

1:03:46 > 1:03:47No, look, look - look at those.

1:03:47 > 1:03:50Look at them. Look at them! DON'T LOOK AWAY!

1:03:51 > 1:03:53- Look at them! - I- have to look at them!

1:04:00 > 1:04:05These, THESE, are a short, fat, elderly man's legs.

1:04:05 > 1:04:06LAUGHTER

1:04:09 > 1:04:11Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

1:04:12 > 1:04:16Little bit too keen to agree for my liking.

1:04:17 > 1:04:19Oh, God, look.

1:04:19 > 1:04:22When I say elderly man, I actually mean dead.

1:04:23 > 1:04:25Well, look, these aren't for a woman!

1:04:25 > 1:04:27Are they? Do you know, once, right,

1:04:27 > 1:04:31I had to do this sketch with Fatty Saunders where we had to be hoiked

1:04:31 > 1:04:34aloft on wires for hours on end.

1:04:34 > 1:04:36And when you do that, they put you in something

1:04:36 > 1:04:38called a flying harness.

1:04:38 > 1:04:42Well, hers arrived, and it was a tiny little dainty nylon thing.

1:04:42 > 1:04:44Mine arrived...

1:04:45 > 1:04:47..in a trunk...

1:04:48 > 1:04:51..and it was a big, leather, strappy

1:04:51 > 1:04:54monstrosity sling sort of a thing

1:04:54 > 1:04:56that you might lift a horse in.

1:04:57 > 1:05:00Well, as I was climbing into the truss,

1:05:00 > 1:05:04I saw the nametag etched on the inside of the strap.

1:05:04 > 1:05:07You know, the person it was originally made for.

1:05:07 > 1:05:09Harry Secombe.

1:05:12 > 1:05:15What?! I mean, don't get me wrong,

1:05:15 > 1:05:18I LOVED Harry Secombe, but really?

1:05:18 > 1:05:20I have HIS body?

1:05:20 > 1:05:24Yeah, look. These are Harry Secombe's bloody legs!

1:05:25 > 1:05:26Very unfair.

1:05:28 > 1:05:31So moving on swiftly now to feet.

1:05:31 > 1:05:33Yes, I do have the feet of a hobbit.

1:05:35 > 1:05:39And yes, they don't fit into any ordinary-width shoes, but hey,

1:05:39 > 1:05:42do you know what, they carry me anywhere I want to go.

1:05:42 > 1:05:46They do it year after year and they never complain,

1:05:46 > 1:05:49so, good. So that's it, basically.

1:05:49 > 1:05:51That is my body. That's how I see it.

1:05:51 > 1:05:55It does its job, it's healthy, and I like it,

1:05:55 > 1:05:59even though some of it is a little bit strange and it doesn't sit very

1:05:59 > 1:06:01well onto any kind of scientific chart,

1:06:01 > 1:06:05it's never stopped me from doing anything that I want to do.

1:06:05 > 1:06:07It's where I live.

1:06:07 > 1:06:11And I fit in it very comfortably, thank you.

1:06:11 > 1:06:13But it's just my shell.

1:06:13 > 1:06:16It's not the only thing that defines me.

1:06:16 > 1:06:22So you can imagine that I am gobsmacked when I see this.

1:06:22 > 1:06:25MUSIC: Lip Up Fatty by Bad Manners

1:06:39 > 1:06:41Do you know, when I was due to have my hysterectomy,

1:06:41 > 1:06:45I was at my lowest, my weakest, my illest.

1:06:45 > 1:06:48My doctor told me that if I could lose a bit of weight before the

1:06:48 > 1:06:51operation, he'd be able to do it with keyhole surgery,

1:06:51 > 1:06:52it'd take three weeks to recover.

1:06:52 > 1:06:55The other option was big, open surgery

1:06:55 > 1:06:58and three months to recover.

1:06:58 > 1:07:01Well, that was it. That was all the motivation I needed.

1:07:01 > 1:07:03So I set about dropping a few stone.

1:07:03 > 1:07:08Lots of tiny, joyless, low-cal eating

1:07:08 > 1:07:13and loads more walking for weeks on end. It was grim.

1:07:13 > 1:07:16But I managed to lose some of the weight

1:07:16 > 1:07:18so I could have the keyhole surgery, so great.

1:07:18 > 1:07:22But that's all it was, was practical,

1:07:22 > 1:07:23but of course...

1:07:23 > 1:07:26MUSIC RESUMES

1:07:42 > 1:07:44MUSIC ENDS

1:07:44 > 1:07:47ALL: Ohh!

1:07:47 > 1:07:49LAUGHTER

1:07:49 > 1:07:51What a prize twat.

1:07:51 > 1:07:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:07:58 > 1:08:02Do you know, one of the joys of being this age

1:08:02 > 1:08:06is that I truly realise that all of this is utter bollocks.

1:08:06 > 1:08:10And you know what, I am someone whose dad gave her armour.

1:08:10 > 1:08:13I'm simply not available for this sort of bullying any more.

1:08:13 > 1:08:15I'm 30 million minutes.

1:08:15 > 1:08:19I'm a grown woman with a magnificent 42G cup bosom

1:08:19 > 1:08:23and at last I've realised that it doesn't matter.

1:08:23 > 1:08:24And do you know why?

1:08:24 > 1:08:27Because you can't touch this.

1:08:27 > 1:08:29MUSIC: U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer

1:08:30 > 1:08:31# Can't touch this

1:08:34 > 1:08:35# Can't touch this

1:08:37 > 1:08:39# Can't touch this

1:08:41 > 1:08:42# Break it down!

1:08:55 > 1:08:56# Stop - Hammer time. #

1:08:56 > 1:08:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:09:08 > 1:09:11MUSIC: There Must Be An Angel by Eurythmics

1:09:17 > 1:09:20SHE SINGS ALONG BADLY

1:09:23 > 1:09:24MUSIC FADES

1:09:24 > 1:09:25# Yeah

1:09:25 > 1:09:29# No-one on earth could feel like this

1:09:29 > 1:09:34# Oh, no, overblown with bliss

1:09:34 > 1:09:39# There must be an angel

1:09:39 > 1:09:42# Playing with my heart, yeah. #

1:09:43 > 1:09:45LAUGHTER

1:09:45 > 1:09:46APPLAUSE

1:09:48 > 1:09:52Oh, don't tell me that you haven't done that, we've all done that.

1:09:52 > 1:09:55You're just jealous that I'm so darn good at it.

1:09:55 > 1:09:58It's a strange thing about music, isn't it,

1:09:58 > 1:10:01because we don't really need it to live, do we?

1:10:01 > 1:10:04It's not food or water or shelter or clothing.

1:10:04 > 1:10:07And yet, we really do need it.

1:10:07 > 1:10:10- At least- I- do, and I'm sure that if I do, YOU do.

1:10:10 > 1:10:12I have a weird thing that happens

1:10:12 > 1:10:17which is that I always invent music to accompany people,

1:10:17 > 1:10:20only, in my head.

1:10:20 > 1:10:23It's like a sort of running soundtrack.

1:10:23 > 1:10:26It's usually around the people that I love the most.

1:10:26 > 1:10:29It's got something to do with the way they walk or talk or smell,

1:10:29 > 1:10:31or something about their personality.

1:10:31 > 1:10:33Let me explain. I know that I

1:10:33 > 1:10:36haven't just arrived here on my own tonight,

1:10:36 > 1:10:40and neither have you, because we all come from everyone in our family,

1:10:40 > 1:10:43don't we? We all make each other.

1:10:43 > 1:10:45I may stand here in these boots,

1:10:45 > 1:10:49but I walk in the footsteps of everyone who went before me,

1:10:49 > 1:10:51both family and friends.

1:10:51 > 1:10:54I'm made of all of them.

1:10:54 > 1:10:56Even the dodgy ones!

1:10:56 > 1:10:58And all of them have their own accompaniment.

1:10:58 > 1:11:02So let's start with these two - my grandmothers.

1:11:04 > 1:11:06Good Granny Marjorie.

1:11:06 > 1:11:07ANGELIC CHORD

1:11:07 > 1:11:09LAUGHTER

1:11:11 > 1:11:13And Evil Granny Lillian.

1:11:13 > 1:11:14BESTIAL ROAR

1:11:14 > 1:11:15LAUGHTER

1:11:17 > 1:11:20Not that Good Granny was so good, actually,

1:11:20 > 1:11:22or that Evil Granny was at all evil.

1:11:22 > 1:11:26It was just a running joke that I had with Lillian about the fact

1:11:26 > 1:11:28that she was the naughty one in comparison,

1:11:28 > 1:11:30and she most certainly was.

1:11:30 > 1:11:32So, Good Granny.

1:11:33 > 1:11:35Well, she was tiny,

1:11:35 > 1:11:38she loved old-time ballroom dancing

1:11:38 > 1:11:41and she had a loft full of hundreds of dolls that she collected

1:11:41 > 1:11:44from all around the world.

1:11:44 > 1:11:48Dolls in national dress, in serried ranks, in the loft.

1:11:48 > 1:11:51A little girl's paradise!

1:11:51 > 1:11:54Some of them had eyes that shut

1:11:54 > 1:11:56and all of them had pants!

1:11:57 > 1:11:59LAUGHTER

1:11:59 > 1:12:03Because if they arrived without pants, she'd make them a pair.

1:12:05 > 1:12:07You know, to preserve their dignity.

1:12:07 > 1:12:09All of us grandchildren were welcome

1:12:09 > 1:12:12to snuggle into the warm bed with her in the morning

1:12:12 > 1:12:14with the candlewick spread over it,

1:12:14 > 1:12:18and the condensation dripping down the inside of the window.

1:12:18 > 1:12:21And we'd have stories and somehow...

1:12:21 > 1:12:24How? ..she always had cake cooking.

1:12:24 > 1:12:27And she would sing in a funny high, wobbly voice,

1:12:27 > 1:12:29and her parrot would mimic her and join in,

1:12:29 > 1:12:32and I'd wet my pants laughing.

1:12:32 > 1:12:36She had a pink bathroom suite and she always had a saucy bodice-ripper

1:12:36 > 1:12:41book down by the loo, that I would thumb through, with titles like...

1:12:41 > 1:12:42Mandingo!

1:12:44 > 1:12:46Absolutely thrilling!

1:12:46 > 1:12:48Well, when she was in her 90s,

1:12:48 > 1:12:50I took her back to see the house

1:12:50 > 1:12:53where she lived with her family when she was little.

1:12:53 > 1:12:58It was a tiny, two-up, two-down, where ten of them lived,

1:12:58 > 1:13:00in the grounds of a big, posh house,

1:13:00 > 1:13:03where her father was in service as a chauffeur.

1:13:03 > 1:13:05The big house is now a posh hotel

1:13:05 > 1:13:09and I invited Grandma to come in with me and share a cream tea,

1:13:09 > 1:13:14whereupon she promptly told me that she wasn't allowed in there.

1:13:14 > 1:13:17Obviously, this was a throwback to her childhood.

1:13:17 > 1:13:21Eventually, I persuaded her to come in with me and we shared the most

1:13:21 > 1:13:23delicious cream tea,

1:13:23 > 1:13:27while we trespassed in great big leather armchairs in front of

1:13:27 > 1:13:28a big roaring fire.

1:13:28 > 1:13:32And as we drove away, up a long driveway,

1:13:32 > 1:13:36she pointed out a big old bushy tree on the side of the road

1:13:36 > 1:13:40and she told me that that is where my grandad first kissed her,

1:13:40 > 1:13:44and that she kept him waiting a long time for that moment.

1:13:45 > 1:13:47There they are.

1:13:47 > 1:13:49She died a few years ago,

1:13:49 > 1:13:51a very old-fashioned death,

1:13:51 > 1:13:54at a very ripe old age.

1:13:54 > 1:13:59She just laid down and slowly, slowly faded away.

1:13:59 > 1:14:02She was quiet and tired and ready,

1:14:02 > 1:14:05and she was surrounded by a huge family of Frenchies

1:14:05 > 1:14:08that all absolutely adored her.

1:14:08 > 1:14:12Marjorie Emily French nee Berry -

1:14:12 > 1:14:15she taught me how to be a granddaughter -

1:14:15 > 1:14:16and this is her tune.

1:14:16 > 1:14:19TWINKLY MUSIC BOX TUNE

1:14:20 > 1:14:22Lillian O'Brien...

1:14:22 > 1:14:23LAUGHTER

1:14:23 > 1:14:25MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC

1:14:26 > 1:14:28..Fag Ash Lil...

1:14:31 > 1:14:32Evil Granny -

1:14:32 > 1:14:36had a very different music altogether.

1:14:36 > 1:14:39Oh, boy, she was a handful!

1:14:39 > 1:14:42A tricky old broad with a colourful history,

1:14:42 > 1:14:44a sharp tongue and a short fuse.

1:14:44 > 1:14:47Her family originally came from Cornwall,

1:14:47 > 1:14:49but when she married my grandad,

1:14:49 > 1:14:51she got a passport and she moved to Devon.

1:14:51 > 1:14:53LAUGHTER

1:14:56 > 1:15:01She and my grandad ran various pubs together and this placed Lil exactly

1:15:01 > 1:15:04where she was at her happiest -

1:15:04 > 1:15:06around lots of alcohol!

1:15:06 > 1:15:08LAUGHTER

1:15:11 > 1:15:13Oh, yes, she loved that.

1:15:13 > 1:15:14That's my grandad, by the way,

1:15:14 > 1:15:17with his arm around two completely different women.

1:15:17 > 1:15:19LAUGHTER

1:15:19 > 1:15:22But that's another whole show.

1:15:23 > 1:15:29Lil loved rabbit-skin fur coats and she loved sparkly bling and clacky

1:15:29 > 1:15:32shoes and she loved gin and arcades

1:15:32 > 1:15:34and British Legion and bookies

1:15:34 > 1:15:37and darts! And when I was a young teenager,

1:15:37 > 1:15:38I used to stay with her quite a lot

1:15:38 > 1:15:41and I used to sleep on what she called "the cot"

1:15:41 > 1:15:43at the end of her bed.

1:15:43 > 1:15:46And at roughly 3am every morning,

1:15:46 > 1:15:49the alarm would go off and a be-curlered,

1:15:49 > 1:15:52be-hairnetted, toothless Lil

1:15:52 > 1:15:55would sit up in the bed, put the light on,

1:15:55 > 1:15:57put her teeth in... Why?

1:15:57 > 1:16:00..pour herself a glass of water from a flask, drink it,

1:16:00 > 1:16:04take her teeth out, light off, back to snorey sleep.

1:16:05 > 1:16:08I think I now know

1:16:08 > 1:16:10that wasn't water.

1:16:10 > 1:16:11LAUGHTER

1:16:15 > 1:16:19Another big memory I have of her

1:16:19 > 1:16:21was of her canniness.

1:16:21 > 1:16:26I was about 15 and I was invited on holiday by my friend Patsy to

1:16:26 > 1:16:28Gibraltar, where her family lived,

1:16:28 > 1:16:34and where she assured me there were lots of dreamy, swarthy boys!

1:16:34 > 1:16:36KLAXON

1:16:36 > 1:16:38Well, I couldn't really afford to go, but my dad said that

1:16:38 > 1:16:42if I raised half of the money, he would give me the other half.

1:16:42 > 1:16:44So I did anything I could think of to raise the money.

1:16:44 > 1:16:47I washed cars, I did paper rounds,

1:16:47 > 1:16:50but I still didn't have quite enough at the end of it.

1:16:50 > 1:16:55So my mum offered to help me out on the sly by giving me a set of pearl

1:16:55 > 1:16:58earrings and a necklace that she had up in the loft.

1:16:58 > 1:17:01Like a lot of people, she was superstitious about pearls

1:17:01 > 1:17:05and she said they were unlucky and that she didn't want them.

1:17:05 > 1:17:08She told me to go to the Pannier Market in Plymouth

1:17:08 > 1:17:11and to barter for the best price I could get.

1:17:11 > 1:17:14Now, I needed 40 quid and my mum

1:17:14 > 1:17:16felt sure that I would get at least that.

1:17:16 > 1:17:20So, as I entered the market, a little bit daunted by it all,

1:17:20 > 1:17:24who should pop up like an elderly Rumpelstiltskin...

1:17:24 > 1:17:26MUSIC RESTARTS

1:17:26 > 1:17:29..but Lil, asking me what I was doing there.

1:17:29 > 1:17:31So, I told her.

1:17:31 > 1:17:36Now, no stranger to the tricks of the second-hand jewellery trade,

1:17:36 > 1:17:38if you know what I mean...

1:17:38 > 1:17:40Thieving! Um...

1:17:41 > 1:17:47..she told me to leave it to her and go and wait in the caff.

1:17:47 > 1:17:50Well, ten minutes later, she returned triumphant.

1:17:50 > 1:17:55"Here, who's your favourite evil granny, then?

1:17:55 > 1:17:57"You needed 40 quid, right, maid?

1:17:57 > 1:17:58"Well, here it is!

1:17:58 > 1:18:01"And who's the good granny now?"

1:18:01 > 1:18:04And with that, she counted out the tenners - one, two,

1:18:04 > 1:18:09three, four and - Oh, my goodness! - five and six!

1:18:09 > 1:18:1060 quid!

1:18:10 > 1:18:11"Thanks, Grandma!"

1:18:11 > 1:18:14So I raced home to show Mum.

1:18:14 > 1:18:18Mum didn't seem quite so thrilled with the 60 quid.

1:18:18 > 1:18:23I told her that Lil had helped me and she muttered, "Oh, pig's ear!"

1:18:23 > 1:18:26under her breath, which was the WORST swearing my mum ever did,

1:18:26 > 1:18:29by the way! She grabbed me by the arm

1:18:29 > 1:18:30and she whisked me straight back to

1:18:30 > 1:18:35Lil's flat, where she demanded that Lil cough up the rest of it!

1:18:35 > 1:18:37LAUGHTER

1:18:38 > 1:18:41"The rest of it?" I was a little bit confused.

1:18:41 > 1:18:44Well, Lil looked a little bit sheepish

1:18:44 > 1:18:48and eventually she reached into her handbag

1:18:48 > 1:18:50and she laid out on the table

1:18:50 > 1:18:53ten more tenners.

1:18:53 > 1:18:54- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!

1:18:54 > 1:18:55Well, the way she saw it,

1:18:55 > 1:18:58I had what I needed and a little bit extra

1:18:58 > 1:19:02and she made a tidy little commission!

1:19:02 > 1:19:04Everybody's cushty!

1:19:04 > 1:19:09She didn't see it as stealing from your own granddaughter!

1:19:12 > 1:19:16So that was Lil, my mum's mum - bold as brass,

1:19:16 > 1:19:19ballsy and fearless

1:19:19 > 1:19:21and a consummate survivor.

1:19:23 > 1:19:25So, now, yes.

1:19:25 > 1:19:29How do you be a daughter?

1:19:29 > 1:19:31Well, it's difficult, this, but I want to tell you,

1:19:31 > 1:19:35I want to be open and honest with you, so here goes.

1:19:36 > 1:19:39I'm aware that I lionise my dad.

1:19:39 > 1:19:43I think it's because I lost him too early.

1:19:43 > 1:19:46I was only 19, just ten million minutes.

1:19:46 > 1:19:48He didn't have any flaws yet, in my eyes.

1:19:48 > 1:19:50I wish I'd known him for longer.

1:19:50 > 1:19:52I could have got to know all his faults,

1:19:52 > 1:19:54but we didn't have that time, so,

1:19:54 > 1:19:57to me, he was pretty wonderful.

1:19:57 > 1:19:59And his music is an opus.

1:19:59 > 1:20:01CLASSICAL MUSIC

1:20:01 > 1:20:05People often ask me what it was like to grow up without a dad.

1:20:05 > 1:20:07Well, I absolutely don't know,

1:20:07 > 1:20:10because I'm still growing up without a dad.

1:20:10 > 1:20:12But the things I most remember about him

1:20:12 > 1:20:15are to do with being taught something,

1:20:15 > 1:20:20or feeling very safe, or actually just having a big laugh.

1:20:20 > 1:20:23I remember him tickling my mum a lot.

1:20:23 > 1:20:26I remember when, as a toddler,

1:20:26 > 1:20:29and after three clear warnings from him,

1:20:29 > 1:20:33I did still race out dangerously into the middle of the road

1:20:33 > 1:20:36and so he did finally put me over his knee in a shop doorway

1:20:36 > 1:20:39and he smacked my bare arse in public.

1:20:39 > 1:20:40Needless to say,

1:20:40 > 1:20:42never ran out again.

1:20:42 > 1:20:45I remember that, being not tall,

1:20:45 > 1:20:47all of his trousers had to be shortened

1:20:47 > 1:20:50and Mum would do that by chopping off the bottom two inches

1:20:50 > 1:20:52in one clean cut, like that,

1:20:52 > 1:20:54and I would take that fabric loop

1:20:54 > 1:20:57and I'd put it on my head and I'd pull the crease sharp

1:20:57 > 1:21:01front and back and I'd pretend to be an air hostess.

1:21:01 > 1:21:03LAUGHTER

1:21:04 > 1:21:09I remember the heady smell of his fags and his Brut aftershave and

1:21:09 > 1:21:13his Brylcreem. I remember that Christmas really mattered.

1:21:13 > 1:21:18I remember that he bought me the first single I wanted so badly -

1:21:18 > 1:21:20I thought I'd die if I didn't get it! -

1:21:20 > 1:21:22which was Sugar Sugar by The Archies.

1:21:22 > 1:21:25TRACK PLAYS

1:21:25 > 1:21:27Yeah, lovely.

1:21:28 > 1:21:32I remember the delighted shock I felt,

1:21:32 > 1:21:35when, after a mauling from a particularly horrible teacher

1:21:35 > 1:21:38at parents' evening, he comforted me

1:21:38 > 1:21:43by leaning over and whispering in my ear, "Well, she's clearly a cretin".

1:21:43 > 1:21:45LAUGHTER

1:21:49 > 1:21:51I remember being Dawny, and Moo,

1:21:51 > 1:21:54and Pudding, and Dumpling,

1:21:54 > 1:21:56and Frenchie and Maid.

1:21:56 > 1:21:59What I don't remember is him being sick,

1:21:59 > 1:22:01because I didn't know about that.

1:22:01 > 1:22:03He was supremely good at hiding it.

1:22:03 > 1:22:07I didn't know that he had been plagued with sporadic attacks

1:22:07 > 1:22:11of intense black sadness ever since he was 16.

1:22:11 > 1:22:14Mum knew and she had tried to help him swim against the tide of his

1:22:14 > 1:22:16torments. What none of us knew

1:22:16 > 1:22:19was that it had become a tsunami

1:22:19 > 1:22:20and he was drowning.

1:22:22 > 1:22:26I had been away in America for a year on an exchange student scheme

1:22:26 > 1:22:29and, although I noticed on my return that he looked a little bit gaunt,

1:22:29 > 1:22:32I seriously had no clue.

1:22:32 > 1:22:36To me, he was still my reinforced, load-bearing,

1:22:36 > 1:22:39solid dad of a dad!

1:22:39 > 1:22:41He was shatterproof!

1:22:41 > 1:22:43He was mighty!

1:22:43 > 1:22:48But the sturdiest of structures can have invisible, profound fractures.

1:22:49 > 1:22:52On the 10th of September, 1977,

1:22:52 > 1:22:55I waltzed out the door, off on a date...

1:22:55 > 1:22:58ECHOING: ..chucking a casual goodbye over my shoulder.

1:22:58 > 1:23:01That was the last time I saw him.

1:23:01 > 1:23:03How did it start?

1:23:03 > 1:23:07There was a phone call the next morning, "Come home now."

1:23:07 > 1:23:11Mum sat there totally drained of colour, ashen-faced.

1:23:11 > 1:23:13Gary looked like it was raining inside him.

1:23:13 > 1:23:16"What's happened? Where's Dad?"

1:23:16 > 1:23:18Who told me? Um, Mum, I think.

1:23:18 > 1:23:21Said he'd felt unwell, said he would sleep in the other room,

1:23:21 > 1:23:24so as not to disturb her night.

1:23:24 > 1:23:28When she woke up, she immediately felt disconnected, wrong,

1:23:28 > 1:23:30called out to him - no answer.

1:23:30 > 1:23:33They both searched, panicky, frantic,

1:23:33 > 1:23:35the car was gone.

1:23:35 > 1:23:38Gary went looking, ended up in the field.

1:23:38 > 1:23:40It must've been sickening.

1:23:40 > 1:23:43You'd obviously planned it - a hosepipe on the exhaust,

1:23:43 > 1:23:45fed back through the window.

1:23:45 > 1:23:47A bottle of sherry,

1:23:47 > 1:23:51so that a teetotal man might drink himself into the oblivion necessary

1:23:51 > 1:23:56to start the engine and lie back and sleep for ever.

1:23:57 > 1:24:00Did it feel lovely, the surrender?

1:24:00 > 1:24:02Or did you fight it?

1:24:02 > 1:24:03Did you weep?

1:24:03 > 1:24:05Did we cross your mind?

1:24:05 > 1:24:08Or did you have to extinguish any thought of us, so you could do it?

1:24:10 > 1:24:11Did you say goodbye?

1:24:11 > 1:24:13To what? To who?

1:24:13 > 1:24:15To the night sky?

1:24:15 > 1:24:16The inside of the car?

1:24:16 > 1:24:18The life lived?

1:24:18 > 1:24:20Did you see a light?

1:24:20 > 1:24:24Did dead beloveds welcome you to their dead place?

1:24:24 > 1:24:25Where are you?

1:24:25 > 1:24:27I've lost you!

1:24:27 > 1:24:30We're in fucking agony, you selfish bastard!

1:24:30 > 1:24:32How could you do this?

1:24:32 > 1:24:35How dare you steal our happiness?

1:24:35 > 1:24:38So you lied when you said you'd always be there?

1:24:40 > 1:24:42Did you think you'd failed?

1:24:42 > 1:24:44Failed us?

1:24:44 > 1:24:46Was your torment a monster and, to kill it,

1:24:46 > 1:24:48you had to kill you?

1:24:48 > 1:24:52So you slayed the monster to protect your family from you?

1:24:53 > 1:24:55I understand.

1:24:55 > 1:24:58Or at least I TRY to understand.

1:24:58 > 1:24:59Because if I love you,

1:24:59 > 1:25:02I must forgive you, and I do.

1:25:02 > 1:25:04I do love you.

1:25:04 > 1:25:06What do I have to stay angry about?

1:25:06 > 1:25:08That you found your peace?

1:25:09 > 1:25:11I hear you so clearly.

1:25:11 > 1:25:15You would wish me to live my life to the full,

1:25:15 > 1:25:18to not waste a single chance at happiness,

1:25:18 > 1:25:21to savour every last drop of it,

1:25:21 > 1:25:24to risk failure and to be brave, so,

1:25:24 > 1:25:26as a tribute to you,

1:25:26 > 1:25:28I try to do all that.

1:25:28 > 1:25:32I have you with me as my energy and my engine.

1:25:32 > 1:25:38I go steady, left foot, right foot, breathe.

1:25:38 > 1:25:41I carry you here, my darling father.

1:25:44 > 1:25:48Well, it's a rare thing for me to say "Dad" any more.

1:25:48 > 1:25:51I don't say it directly to anybody now.

1:25:51 > 1:25:54Am I still his daughter if he's not here?

1:25:54 > 1:25:56Yes, of course.

1:25:56 > 1:26:01So let me say it and remember what it's like to be connected to him.

1:26:02 > 1:26:04Dad.

1:26:18 > 1:26:21So then, our little family was broken

1:26:21 > 1:26:24and our square became a triangle -

1:26:24 > 1:26:26me, my brother

1:26:26 > 1:26:28and our gloriously flawed,

1:26:28 > 1:26:31triumphant phoenix of a mum!

1:26:31 > 1:26:33Yeah!

1:26:33 > 1:26:35Felicity Roma French.

1:26:35 > 1:26:39God, she hated the Felicity bit!

1:26:39 > 1:26:41Blimey, a powerhouse!

1:26:41 > 1:26:45Extremely loving but quite strict.

1:26:45 > 1:26:49You know, there were definitely rules it would be unwise to break,

1:26:49 > 1:26:51sort of commandments.

1:26:52 > 1:26:54I always thought that she looked a little bit like

1:26:54 > 1:26:57a much older Judi Dench.

1:26:57 > 1:27:00Sort of twinkly and pretty.

1:27:00 > 1:27:03In fact, I was lucky enough to spend some time with Judi Dench recently

1:27:03 > 1:27:06and it was all I could do not to kiss her face off...

1:27:08 > 1:27:11..because she reminded me so much of Mum.

1:27:11 > 1:27:15Except, of course, that Judi Dench has a neck.

1:27:22 > 1:27:25Mum had no such thing.

1:27:25 > 1:27:29Like Lil, Roma was the giver to me of the gobble, the jowl,

1:27:29 > 1:27:31the familiar family flap.

1:27:31 > 1:27:33So, thanks, Mum!

1:27:35 > 1:27:38Mum was someone you'd want on your team,

1:27:38 > 1:27:41a ferocious advocate for the underdog,

1:27:41 > 1:27:45a monster love-truck with eight reserve tanks,

1:27:45 > 1:27:46if you should need them.

1:27:46 > 1:27:50She was very down-to-earth and sometimes she did

1:27:50 > 1:27:52surprise me with it.

1:27:52 > 1:27:54Twice, in particular.

1:27:54 > 1:28:00One time, I was about 40 and I was quite sick with Hepatitis A.

1:28:00 > 1:28:02Now, that's the one where you go bright yellow

1:28:02 > 1:28:03and you feel proper shit, right.

1:28:03 > 1:28:05And I knew that I was really sick,

1:28:05 > 1:28:07because I didn't eat for three days.

1:28:09 > 1:28:13And I have never missed a meal in my entire life.

1:28:13 > 1:28:16Now, you get Hepatitis A from...

1:28:16 > 1:28:20Well, from food served to you by people with poor hygiene,

1:28:20 > 1:28:22let's put it that way. I mean, no wonder you feel shit,

1:28:22 > 1:28:25you're basically eating shit!

1:28:25 > 1:28:26Anyway...

1:28:26 > 1:28:28Anyway, ahem, right!

1:28:28 > 1:28:32And I was feeling very weak, very poorly,

1:28:32 > 1:28:36and Mum came to stay with me, to cook her healing stew for me,

1:28:36 > 1:28:40and to fuss around me the way your mum's supposed to when you feel poorly.

1:28:40 > 1:28:44And she sat on the end of my bed and she suddenly came over

1:28:44 > 1:28:47all inappropriately stern.

1:28:47 > 1:28:50"So, Moo, do you want to tell me what you've been up to

1:28:50 > 1:28:52"to catch this Hep A?"

1:28:55 > 1:28:58She even referred to it in that rather annoying street way.

1:28:58 > 1:29:02"Well, I ate a bad sandwich, I think, Mum."

1:29:02 > 1:29:04"Hmm, try fooling someone else.

1:29:04 > 1:29:07"I wasn't born yesterday, madam.

1:29:07 > 1:29:09"Come on!" "Mum!

1:29:09 > 1:29:11"Honestly, I don't know what you..."

1:29:11 > 1:29:13"Rimming!"

1:29:13 > 1:29:15RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

1:29:30 > 1:29:32"Pardon?!"

1:29:34 > 1:29:37"You've been rimming, haven't you?"

1:29:37 > 1:29:42I mean, what the holy lobcock is going on?

1:29:42 > 1:29:46My mother is using words she shouldn't know.

1:29:46 > 1:29:50Words I don't want her to know, and she's still bloody talking!

1:29:50 > 1:29:54"Dawn, listen, it's absolutely fine to rim your own partner,

1:29:54 > 1:29:56"but if you start rimming other people..."

1:29:56 > 1:29:59"Christ, shut up!"

1:30:02 > 1:30:05Honestly, I didn't have the energy to protest,

1:30:05 > 1:30:06it was just easier to give in.

1:30:06 > 1:30:13"Yeah, all right, Mum, I hear you, I promise, I will stop rimming

1:30:13 > 1:30:20"all the endless strangers off the street that aren't my husband, OK?"

1:30:20 > 1:30:22She's bloody mad!

1:30:22 > 1:30:25Anyway, two years after Rimgate...

1:30:28 > 1:30:31..we had another even weirder incident.

1:30:31 > 1:30:34Mum turned up at our house, which was near Reading, at the time,

1:30:34 > 1:30:37and she was going to stay the night with us before going off to

1:30:37 > 1:30:39a conference in London the next day.

1:30:39 > 1:30:43Now, she had driven up from Cornwall - that's five hours -

1:30:43 > 1:30:44sitting on a piece of cardboard,

1:30:44 > 1:30:48because some silly bugger had broken her car window and there was glass

1:30:48 > 1:30:49all over the inside of the car.

1:30:49 > 1:30:53Well, when she arrived at mine, she said, "Moo,

1:30:53 > 1:30:58"there's no easy way to say this and you're the only person I can ask."

1:30:58 > 1:31:04She then uttered the eight most terrifying words I had ever

1:31:04 > 1:31:06or will ever hear.

1:31:06 > 1:31:08"I need you

1:31:08 > 1:31:10"to look up my fanny."

1:31:10 > 1:31:12WILD LAUGHTER

1:31:23 > 1:31:27"I don't want to look up your fanny. I don't want to."

1:31:32 > 1:31:38I remained calm, realised this must take some courage to ask.

1:31:38 > 1:31:40"Um, yeah, of course, Mum.

1:31:40 > 1:31:44"Um, might I venture to ask...

1:31:44 > 1:31:46"why?"

1:31:46 > 1:31:50"Because I think a tiny bit of glass has lodged itself in there,

1:31:50 > 1:31:53"and I need to get it out and put some cream on,

1:31:53 > 1:31:55"and then I can go to London. otherwise I'm going to have to call

1:31:55 > 1:31:58"the ruddy doctor, and I don't want to have to do that, OK.

1:31:58 > 1:32:00"Now, come on, let's get this over and done with.

1:32:00 > 1:32:04"We're all animals after all, it's just biology. Come on!"

1:32:09 > 1:32:14The walk upstairs to the bathroom behind my mother...

1:32:14 > 1:32:15took five years.

1:32:19 > 1:32:24Once in the bathroom, she whipped down her tights and her pants and,

1:32:24 > 1:32:26quick as a flash, she bent over forward like that.

1:32:31 > 1:32:39What happened next was an exercise in utmost trust, willing intimacy,

1:32:39 > 1:32:41fear and pure love.

1:32:58 > 1:33:00WILD LAUGHTER

1:33:00 > 1:33:02Shut up! Shut up!

1:33:06 > 1:33:10"I can't. I can't do it! I can't do it.

1:33:10 > 1:33:12"Right, come on, come on, come on."

1:33:14 > 1:33:17Well, look, I never imagined I'd be furtling about

1:33:17 > 1:33:19in my own mother's muff!

1:33:22 > 1:33:26I can't say that I enjoyed it, exactly.

1:33:26 > 1:33:29But do you know what? I didn't mind it either.

1:33:29 > 1:33:33It was just very civilised, you know, it was just some gynaecology,

1:33:33 > 1:33:37that's all. I mean, I thought I might feel queasy,

1:33:37 > 1:33:39you know, a little bit like you are right now!

1:33:41 > 1:33:43But I didn't. I mean, don't get me wrong,

1:33:43 > 1:33:47I'm not recommending this as a hobby.

1:33:47 > 1:33:50But I did think, "Well, come on. Hey...

1:33:50 > 1:33:52"I've been here before."

1:33:54 > 1:33:58In fact, yeah, I think I might recognise a little bit.

1:33:58 > 1:34:01And ultimately, she was right.

1:34:01 > 1:34:03There was a tiny little glass splinter there.

1:34:03 > 1:34:09So I took it out, cream on, pants up, wash hands, job done, la-la-la,

1:34:09 > 1:34:10la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la!

1:34:12 > 1:34:15Ah, years and years and years of therapy.

1:34:18 > 1:34:22Mum was also an amazing grandmother,

1:34:22 > 1:34:27a proper safe harbour for all three of her grandkids.

1:34:27 > 1:34:30Funny and kind, and listened,

1:34:30 > 1:34:32and always had time.

1:34:32 > 1:34:34Fag, coffee, loads of time.

1:34:37 > 1:34:40Her death was an education.

1:34:40 > 1:34:44She was pretty well at the Christmas time and she was dead by the Easter.

1:34:44 > 1:34:47It was lung cancer, ferocious and fast.

1:34:47 > 1:34:50I'm absolutely convinced that she knew about it ages before

1:34:50 > 1:34:55but didn't want us to fuss or worry, so she didn't say.

1:34:55 > 1:34:59Her last act of phenomenal parenthood was to teach us

1:34:59 > 1:35:01that it's OK to die.

1:35:01 > 1:35:04She helped us to let her go,

1:35:04 > 1:35:09and when she did I realised that I'd been sheltering there,

1:35:09 > 1:35:12under the aegis of her unconditional love.

1:35:12 > 1:35:17And when I did have to step out into the reality of being the mother now

1:35:17 > 1:35:23and not the daughter, lo and behold, because of her phenomenal guidance,

1:35:23 > 1:35:25I could.

1:35:25 > 1:35:26I can.

1:35:26 > 1:35:28I am.

1:35:29 > 1:35:32I'm not anyone's daughter any more,

1:35:32 > 1:35:37so the triangle becomes a line between me and my brother.

1:35:37 > 1:35:41So, how do you be a sister?

1:35:41 > 1:35:44Well, I've already told you quite a lot about my brother, Gary,

1:35:44 > 1:35:48much more than he'd be comfortable with, if I'm honest.

1:35:48 > 1:35:50But hey, I was born to torture him,

1:35:50 > 1:35:52so here's a few more things about him.

1:35:52 > 1:35:57There he is. He was born in a pub.

1:35:57 > 1:36:00He once beat up some boys who threatened to pull my pants down,

1:36:00 > 1:36:02when I was five.

1:36:02 > 1:36:08He took me to see Freddie Mercury and Queen live at Leeds University,

1:36:08 > 1:36:09when he was a student there.

1:36:09 > 1:36:10Excellent.

1:36:10 > 1:36:15He is the first person I call when big stuff happens.

1:36:15 > 1:36:20He is my blood and I love the bones of him and his family.

1:36:20 > 1:36:24He is a great dad, therefore he is a great man.

1:36:26 > 1:36:29Just when you think that you're only connected this way,

1:36:29 > 1:36:32you remember how strong the pull is this way.

1:36:33 > 1:36:35Ah, here she is.

1:36:36 > 1:36:40# When the rain is blowing in your face... #

1:36:40 > 1:36:42This is my daughter singing.

1:36:42 > 1:36:46# And the whole world is on your case... #

1:36:46 > 1:36:47Yup.

1:36:47 > 1:36:51How in the name of honking hell

1:36:51 > 1:36:54do you be a mum?

1:36:54 > 1:36:57Well, the first thing is this...

1:36:57 > 1:37:01It's absolutely nothing like I imagined.

1:37:01 > 1:37:05I thought I'd sail through parenting by, basically,

1:37:05 > 1:37:09copying everything that my parents did, cos it worked for me.

1:37:09 > 1:37:12But I was forgetting one key thing, wasn't I?

1:37:12 > 1:37:13She is not me.

1:37:13 > 1:37:16She is Billy, she is her.

1:37:16 > 1:37:18It's a massive lesson, that.

1:37:18 > 1:37:21And if I'm honest, it's one I'm still learning.

1:37:21 > 1:37:25We went through quite a lot to eventually have Billy in our lives,

1:37:25 > 1:37:28as did she, because she's adopted.

1:37:28 > 1:37:31I have to remember that sometimes cos what she is, of course,

1:37:31 > 1:37:34is our daughter, full stop.

1:37:34 > 1:37:38This is the very first day that we brought her home.

1:37:38 > 1:37:39AUDIENCE: Aww.

1:37:46 > 1:37:51Adoption is a delicate, careful and wonderful arrangement,

1:37:51 > 1:37:53with lots of time taken,

1:37:53 > 1:37:57tacit arrangements and understandings woven into it.

1:37:57 > 1:37:58It's a big, solemn,

1:37:58 > 1:38:03binding contract of pure love between three sets of people -

1:38:03 > 1:38:08the child, the birth parents and the adoptive parents, and nobody else.

1:38:08 > 1:38:12All of those involved promise to look after each other,

1:38:12 > 1:38:15and to do the right thing whenever they can.

1:38:15 > 1:38:17It's fundamentally very private.

1:38:17 > 1:38:21It's not secret, there's nothing to hide,

1:38:21 > 1:38:23but there's everything to protect.

1:38:23 > 1:38:24Everything.

1:38:26 > 1:38:31So, you can imagine the volcano of fury I became when,

1:38:31 > 1:38:35about 15 years ago, a cruel and thoughtless journalist

1:38:35 > 1:38:39started to poke about in my nine-year-old daughter's background,

1:38:39 > 1:38:42looking for information about her birth mother.

1:38:42 > 1:38:46All of this was under the guise of writing an unauthorised biography

1:38:46 > 1:38:50about me. This is a woman who has never met me,

1:38:50 > 1:38:54who writes endless articles about me and two whole books to date,

1:38:54 > 1:38:57all quite damaging and hurtful for my family.

1:38:57 > 1:39:01That is the person carelessly clomping about in my daughter's

1:39:01 > 1:39:05private life. Actually, I can't even bring myself to speak her name.

1:39:05 > 1:39:07I won't give it my breath.

1:39:07 > 1:39:09SCREECHING PSYCHO VIOLINS

1:39:12 > 1:39:17So I had to take expensive legal action to protect my kid

1:39:17 > 1:39:22from having her life cruelly exploded at nine years old.

1:39:22 > 1:39:26What sort of a woman does that to a kid?

1:39:26 > 1:39:29Never mind to me or the birth mother - who, by the way,

1:39:29 > 1:39:32I hold very close, very dear,

1:39:32 > 1:39:35and who has the absolute right to privacy.

1:39:35 > 1:39:38Surely Billy is the only person who can ask any questions or take

1:39:38 > 1:39:42any action on this subject, as and when she is ready.

1:39:42 > 1:39:45It's massively personal.

1:39:45 > 1:39:48And as for she who must not be named...

1:39:48 > 1:39:50VIOLINS SCREECH

1:39:51 > 1:39:55Well, I didn't know that I could loathe somebody that I've never met,

1:39:55 > 1:39:57cos it takes energy to hate someone, doesn't it?

1:39:57 > 1:39:59It's not normally worth exerting that energy.

1:39:59 > 1:40:02In fact, I can't think of another human being on this planet

1:40:02 > 1:40:04that I hate.

1:40:04 > 1:40:06But...

1:40:06 > 1:40:11Go for my kid and you will experience me as a snarling lioness.

1:40:11 > 1:40:13LION ROARS

1:40:13 > 1:40:18I will rip your ignorant throat out and I'll eat it in front of you

1:40:18 > 1:40:19on a bap with salad cream.

1:40:20 > 1:40:22Because the way I see it,

1:40:22 > 1:40:25the right to bully my daughter

1:40:25 > 1:40:28belongs exclusively to me.

1:40:29 > 1:40:32Listen, I'd do anything to protect her, of course I would,

1:40:32 > 1:40:37any of us would. I have been guilty of over-protecting her in the past.

1:40:37 > 1:40:40I do remember one time when she was about 15 and we were both up here

1:40:40 > 1:40:43in London. We'd been shopping and we were on a very busy street,

1:40:43 > 1:40:48and a young man started to make admiring clucking noises around her.

1:40:48 > 1:40:50And I couldn't help it!

1:40:50 > 1:40:54I just had to give him some of my ninja moves.

1:40:54 > 1:40:56"Hey, you, sonny..."

1:40:57 > 1:41:00SHE MAKES CRAZED FIGHTING NOISES

1:41:03 > 1:41:05That actually got rid of him.

1:41:07 > 1:41:10Yeah. This was one of the many times my daughter told me,

1:41:10 > 1:41:12"You have ruined my life."

1:41:13 > 1:41:14Yeah, well, tough.

1:41:14 > 1:41:19But I did make mistakes, course I did, we all do.

1:41:19 > 1:41:22Two silly ones come to mind, one when she was very tiny.

1:41:22 > 1:41:24She was only about three,

1:41:24 > 1:41:28and we had a baby alarm that we used to carry around with us so that we

1:41:28 > 1:41:30could listen to her at night.

1:41:30 > 1:41:34The handset in her bedroom was mounted on the wall.

1:41:34 > 1:41:37Now, you could speak both ways on it, it's just we'd never done that -

1:41:37 > 1:41:40we'd only used it as a listening device.

1:41:40 > 1:41:43Well, one night, it was quite late and she was jabbering away

1:41:43 > 1:41:47up in her bedroom and, for the first time ever,

1:41:47 > 1:41:50I decided to press the speaker button downstairs, right.

1:41:50 > 1:41:54So I pressed it and I said, "Time for sleeping now, Billy.

1:41:54 > 1:41:56"Night-night."

1:41:56 > 1:41:58There was total silence.

1:42:00 > 1:42:02And then her tiny voice said,

1:42:02 > 1:42:04"Night-night, wall."

1:42:17 > 1:42:19Oh, dear.

1:42:19 > 1:42:21Ah, bless her.

1:42:21 > 1:42:23It's wrong to frighten children, obviously.

1:42:26 > 1:42:29It was just like when she went to a brand-new junior school, right,

1:42:29 > 1:42:31when she was about eight.

1:42:31 > 1:42:35And instead of having one teacher for the same subject and staying

1:42:35 > 1:42:38in the same classroom all day like her old school,

1:42:38 > 1:42:41she suddenly had a different teacher for every subject and they moved

1:42:41 > 1:42:43around the school all day.

1:42:43 > 1:42:47Now, she'd come a little bit late to this school, so she'd missed

1:42:47 > 1:42:50the introductory classes for all the different subjects.

1:42:50 > 1:42:53But I thought she was settling in quite well until, one Saturday,

1:42:53 > 1:42:56I was driving her in the car and she was sitting in the back

1:42:56 > 1:42:59with her mate, Anna, who used to go to her old school,

1:42:59 > 1:43:02and Anna was asking her what the new school was like and I was earwigging

1:43:02 > 1:43:03this conversation.

1:43:03 > 1:43:06And Billy said, "Yeah, it's all right,

1:43:06 > 1:43:09"except for one weird thing that happens every Wednesday morning

1:43:09 > 1:43:13"when we all, like, go into this classroom and, like, everybody,

1:43:13 > 1:43:16"including the, like, teacher, just suddenly goes...

1:43:16 > 1:43:18" 'blah-blah blah-blah, blah blah blah

1:43:18 > 1:43:22" 'blah-blah blah-blah, blah blah blah, blabba-labba, blah blah blah'

1:43:22 > 1:43:25"for a whole hour and then we come out and everyone

1:43:25 > 1:43:26"speaks normal again."

1:43:33 > 1:43:36All right, that's a bit odd.

1:43:36 > 1:43:39So when I got home I had a look at her little timetable,

1:43:39 > 1:43:42and there it was - Wednesday morning...

1:43:42 > 1:43:43French.

1:43:45 > 1:43:48Nobody had told her that French is a language!

1:43:50 > 1:43:54Well, I call Billy an extraordinary ray,

1:43:54 > 1:44:00because that's the kind of ray that doesn't obey the ordinary laws

1:44:00 > 1:44:03of refraction, and that's her.

1:44:03 > 1:44:05Different. Unique.

1:44:05 > 1:44:08Confounding in the best possible way.

1:44:08 > 1:44:14She may not be much like anyone else but, boy, she is fully her.

1:44:14 > 1:44:16So, now, yes...

1:44:16 > 1:44:20How in the name of almighty living cack

1:44:20 > 1:44:22do you be a wife?

1:44:22 > 1:44:24MUSIC: Flash Light by Parliament

1:44:26 > 1:44:31So I met this big, loud guy from Tiswas,

1:44:31 > 1:44:36who wore a grass skirt and ate condensed milk sandwiches for a living.

1:44:36 > 1:44:40Classic case of, "Mum, Dad, look at me!"

1:44:40 > 1:44:43And we decided to do living together and then to do marriage,

1:44:43 > 1:44:47which we did pretty successfully for the best part of 30 years,

1:44:47 > 1:44:51from our young adulthood all the way into our 50s,

1:44:51 > 1:44:56tackling life together, getting some things right and some things wrong.

1:44:56 > 1:45:00It was mostly trousers and haircuts that we got wrong,

1:45:00 > 1:45:04and the hope and the optimism and Billy were the splendid bits.

1:45:04 > 1:45:08I mean, obviously, we had to work out who we were,

1:45:08 > 1:45:12and it turned out that we were the kind of people who lived

1:45:12 > 1:45:15in rural Berkshire for 20 years.

1:45:15 > 1:45:19Who knew? We lived in a lovely old farmhouse,

1:45:19 > 1:45:22in a place called Shinfield, and it had...

1:45:22 > 1:45:24a tennis court!

1:45:24 > 1:45:26BBC WIMBLEDON THEME PLAYS

1:45:29 > 1:45:32Well, it was such a novelty to have that,

1:45:32 > 1:45:36so every year we had a tennis tournament for all of our mates.

1:45:36 > 1:45:39We called it "Shimbledon",

1:45:39 > 1:45:43and we played for the coveted Double D Cup.

1:45:45 > 1:45:49Not so much fun with Len was the racism that we encountered

1:45:49 > 1:45:51as a constant.

1:45:51 > 1:45:54Well, first off, he hadn't actually told me that he was black,

1:45:54 > 1:45:56so that was a bit of a shock.

1:45:59 > 1:46:05In fact, honestly, why does anyone do blanket hating like that?

1:46:05 > 1:46:09It was beyond me. And yet here it was, right in our midst.

1:46:09 > 1:46:12One night I woke up and smelled smoke,

1:46:12 > 1:46:16and our doormat was on fire because somebody put a lit oily rag

1:46:16 > 1:46:18through our letterbox.

1:46:18 > 1:46:22Several times we cleaned human excrement off our front door.

1:46:22 > 1:46:25He would regularly receive hate mail and threats.

1:46:25 > 1:46:29In fact, one letter, I clearly remember, told him to -

1:46:29 > 1:46:30"Fuck off home, you cone."

1:46:35 > 1:46:37Cone...

1:46:39 > 1:46:43Racist haters can't spell, it would seem.

1:46:43 > 1:46:47And his remarkable dignity in the face of it all.

1:46:47 > 1:46:50And his gorgeous family, especially his mum, Momma,

1:46:50 > 1:46:52the queen of them all,

1:46:52 > 1:46:57feeding us mountains of rice and peas and ackee and saltfish

1:46:57 > 1:47:00and plantain and okra and curry goat.

1:47:02 > 1:47:05Yeah. Learning to be parents,

1:47:05 > 1:47:10coping with no sleep and school runs and homework,

1:47:10 > 1:47:13and realising that you can't help with homework because

1:47:13 > 1:47:15you don't know anything.

1:47:18 > 1:47:20You don't even know a five-year-old's maths.

1:47:20 > 1:47:22It's pathetic.

1:47:22 > 1:47:25Lots and lots and lots of very good years,

1:47:25 > 1:47:27and then just one tricky last year.

1:47:27 > 1:47:32Just slowly, slowly realising how important it is to tune in

1:47:32 > 1:47:35to that still-small voice at the back of your mind.

1:47:35 > 1:47:38It had been playing its muffled tune for some time now -

1:47:38 > 1:47:40a tune called the truth.

1:47:40 > 1:47:42Just faintly.

1:47:42 > 1:47:43You keep it hushed.

1:47:43 > 1:47:46You don't want to hear it, because it means trouble.

1:47:46 > 1:47:51And then one day I decided to pin my lugholes back and properly listen.

1:47:51 > 1:47:56And the mantra gets louder and louder until it's a giant,

1:47:56 > 1:48:00unignorable fanfare urging me to grasp the nettle

1:48:00 > 1:48:02and make the change.

1:48:02 > 1:48:04Stalemate.

1:48:04 > 1:48:06We're stale, mate.

1:48:06 > 1:48:07I'm sorry, it's a "no" from me.

1:48:07 > 1:48:10I'm afraid I won't be putting you through to the next round.

1:48:10 > 1:48:14And I pulled the bridge up and the portcullis down,

1:48:14 > 1:48:18and I hunkered back into a safe place in my own heart.

1:48:18 > 1:48:21And I was properly sad.

1:48:21 > 1:48:24But then, one night, something silly and funny happened to lift away

1:48:24 > 1:48:28some of that heaviness. I was watching Big Brother.

1:48:28 > 1:48:30Now, that is my guilty pleasure -

1:48:30 > 1:48:32that's my footy, that's my addiction.

1:48:32 > 1:48:34Never missed a single episode -

1:48:34 > 1:48:36very proud of that.

1:48:36 > 1:48:39And on this particular night, Davina McCall was bidding a fond,

1:48:39 > 1:48:42teary farewell to the show for ever.

1:48:42 > 1:48:44Or so she then thought, we all did.

1:48:44 > 1:48:47And I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

1:48:47 > 1:48:51"Oh, God, Big Brother is over,

1:48:51 > 1:48:53"and so is my marriage."

1:48:53 > 1:48:58And I absolutely knew which one I was going to miss the most.

1:48:58 > 1:49:00And guess what? Big Brother was recommissioned!

1:49:00 > 1:49:02Yay!

1:49:02 > 1:49:09So, big gulp, how do you be single again after such a long time?

1:49:09 > 1:49:12Well, the only certain thing I knew was that I needed to be

1:49:12 > 1:49:15exactly that. Single.

1:49:15 > 1:49:18See if I could do it all on my own.

1:49:18 > 1:49:22Have lots of girl-time with my daughter and immerse myself

1:49:22 > 1:49:25in my friends. Oh, my friends!

1:49:25 > 1:49:30Thank you, God, for all the right stuff they said and did.

1:49:30 > 1:49:32MUSIC: Count On Me by Bruno Mars

1:49:32 > 1:49:35# If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea

1:49:35 > 1:49:37# I'll sail the world

1:49:37 > 1:49:40# To find you

1:49:40 > 1:49:46# If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see

1:49:46 > 1:49:48# I'll be the light

1:49:48 > 1:49:50# To guide you

1:49:52 > 1:49:56# We find out what we're made of

1:49:56 > 1:50:01# When we are called to help our friends in need... #

1:50:03 > 1:50:07You know that you are truly single when you've totally given up on your

1:50:07 > 1:50:11new underpants and you're back in your old faithfuls that you wouldn't

1:50:11 > 1:50:14want another single human being to ever see.

1:50:14 > 1:50:17Some of which, you realise, are over 30 years old.

1:50:19 > 1:50:21The elastic has totally gone,

1:50:21 > 1:50:24but you keep them up with sheer optimism.

1:50:24 > 1:50:29You know that you're truly single when you allow the dog on the bed

1:50:29 > 1:50:34and she has slowly, incrementally crept up the bed until now she's

1:50:34 > 1:50:40in the bed, with her head on the pillow, looking at you every morning

1:50:40 > 1:50:44as if to say, "Yeah, babe, I'm the husband now."

1:50:47 > 1:50:49I did have a few dating-type experiences,

1:50:49 > 1:50:52most of which were excruciating.

1:50:52 > 1:50:56Cos I realised that I'm just not an accomplished flirter.

1:50:56 > 1:51:00You know, I can't pretend to be coy or sexy or anything like that.

1:51:00 > 1:51:04I sort of find it vaguely absurd and kind of humiliating.

1:51:04 > 1:51:08I'm the sort of bird who wants straight answers, like,

1:51:08 > 1:51:11"Do you want to see my pants or not?

1:51:11 > 1:51:14"Actually, no, I retract that, cos my pants are 30 years old today.

1:51:14 > 1:51:16"I can't show them to you, you have to go home. Goodbye."

1:51:16 > 1:51:19And then I realise, "Oh, God,

1:51:19 > 1:51:21"it's OK.

1:51:21 > 1:51:24"In fact, it's good."

1:51:25 > 1:51:27I walk my dog-husband...

1:51:30 > 1:51:33..one particularly beautiful, sunny day

1:51:33 > 1:51:38and I look at the sea and I think about my kid and my life and,

1:51:38 > 1:51:45in that precise moment, I'm suddenly profoundly sure that I can do it.

1:51:45 > 1:51:51And I decide, absolutely then, that I will never be married again.

1:51:53 > 1:51:55And then...

1:51:55 > 1:51:59I found a sacrificial anode.

1:51:59 > 1:52:02Well, I say found - I'd actually known him for years because he was,

1:52:02 > 1:52:05in fact, a much younger colleague of my mum's,

1:52:05 > 1:52:08but I hadn't really seen him because I wasn't looking, was I?

1:52:08 > 1:52:12I was married - I didn't have my love goggles on.

1:52:12 > 1:52:16But then, one day, when the light was right,

1:52:16 > 1:52:17I saw him.

1:52:21 > 1:52:24And honestly, it was as if I couldn't breathe.

1:52:24 > 1:52:29Within a month of being together, he had found four sacrificial anodes

1:52:29 > 1:52:32in a rock pool on the beach beneath our house.

1:52:32 > 1:52:36Now, this is astonishing, cos they hardly ever wash up.

1:52:36 > 1:52:39Between you and me, I'm absolutely convinced that that rock pool's

1:52:39 > 1:52:43a little bit magic. All right, sacrificial anodes...

1:52:43 > 1:52:47Here goes. When metal surfaces come into contact with electrolytes

1:52:47 > 1:52:52they undergo an electrochemical reaction known as corrosion.

1:52:52 > 1:52:54Keep up, this is science.

1:52:54 > 1:52:58Sacrificial anodes are highly active metals that are used to prevent

1:52:58 > 1:53:01a less active material surface from corroding.

1:53:01 > 1:53:05So they use them a lot on boats and so on, so that, in effect,

1:53:05 > 1:53:10the anode draws all the rust and the corrosion to it because

1:53:10 > 1:53:14it's strong enough, and that leaves the boat corrosion-free.

1:53:14 > 1:53:19And that's him - takes it all on, unafraid and gallant.

1:53:19 > 1:53:24He is the anode and the rest of us, our family and our kids,

1:53:24 > 1:53:27we are the ship, galvanised by him.

1:53:28 > 1:53:31Do you remember what I said about

1:53:31 > 1:53:33women measuring men by their fathers?

1:53:33 > 1:53:36That blokes should try to be someone to aspire to be like,

1:53:36 > 1:53:42be decent and kind and cheerful and understanding and generous

1:53:42 > 1:53:44and funny and selfless?

1:53:44 > 1:53:47Yeah, well, he's a massively understated, private bloke, and he

1:53:47 > 1:53:50wouldn't want me to be talking about him any more, so I won't.

1:53:50 > 1:53:54But frankly, it was impossible NOT to marry him.

1:53:54 > 1:53:58Plus, it's marry one, get family free, isn't it?

1:53:59 > 1:54:01So I've got new parents,

1:54:01 > 1:54:06I've got new brothers and I've got two beautiful new kids,

1:54:06 > 1:54:09who I instantly, easily loved.

1:54:09 > 1:54:13So I've got a new tribe and the future looks bright,

1:54:13 > 1:54:17and even the past sits nicely in its right place.

1:54:17 > 1:54:18So, yeah...

1:54:20 > 1:54:21I think that's me caught up.

1:54:21 > 1:54:29Yeah. Yeah, I have learned to live where I am, in what I am.

1:54:29 > 1:54:31One thing I do know, unreservedly,

1:54:31 > 1:54:36is that Kate Moss is very wrong when she says that nothing tastes as good

1:54:36 > 1:54:38as skinny feels.

1:54:38 > 1:54:41Because pasties! Rest my case!

1:54:43 > 1:54:45So, so...

1:54:47 > 1:54:51I am 30 million minutes old,

1:54:51 > 1:54:56and I have learnt that all the small stuff makes the big.

1:54:56 > 1:54:59All the tiny minutes make one big life,

1:54:59 > 1:55:02so every minute properly matters.

1:55:02 > 1:55:04Live it big.

1:55:04 > 1:55:07All of us in this room, you know, we're all connected.

1:55:07 > 1:55:12We're all a little bit, "Hey, Mum, Dad, look at me!"

1:55:12 > 1:55:14We're all wankers.

1:55:15 > 1:55:18We're all a little bit strange.

1:55:18 > 1:55:22And we're all bloody marvellous!

1:55:22 > 1:55:28Yeah!

1:55:28 > 1:55:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:55:38 > 1:55:41Thank you so much.

1:55:45 > 1:55:47Thank you so much.

1:55:51 > 1:55:53Thank you.