0:00:02 > 0:00:06- Please welcome Frankie Boyle! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:21 > 0:00:26Hello! Hello, and welcome to our American Autopsy.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Before we start, a spoiler alert.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33If you haven't seen the result of the election yet, turn away now.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37And ask your closest relative to shoot you in the back of the head.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41This has been the biggest decision of maybe the last 50 years,
0:00:41 > 0:00:42maybe since the Second World War.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I don't know about you, but any time I hear that there's
0:00:45 > 0:00:48a big decision to be taken, I often think to myself,
0:00:48 > 0:00:53"Oh, I hope no Americans are involved in taking that decision.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55"I hope no-one from a country that made seven
0:00:55 > 0:01:00"Fast And The Furious movies has any say in this."
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Donald Trump sort of looks like
0:01:04 > 0:01:07someone playing a president in a porno.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14he might be the worst mammal.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Would you have bothered with the hair if you had his face?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24If your face looked like a novelty jug that was made in
0:01:24 > 0:01:26a secure-unit pottery class...
0:01:30 > 0:01:31People were saying,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33"Oh, he can't build a wall between America and Mexico."
0:01:33 > 0:01:36The Mexicans have started building it themselves.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Trump alienated the Republican base.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46There were Republican politicians who didn't vote for him.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Those are some of the worst people in the world. How can you lose them?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54There are people who didn't vote for Trump
0:01:54 > 0:01:56who would have voted for Magneto.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02He said a lot of mad racist and sexist stuff,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05stuff that would have got you fired from any other job.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Just imagine you get called in by your HR and they go,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12"Sorry, Larry, you've said a lot of mad racist and sexist stuff.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"You can't stock timber any more.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17"The only job you're now qualified for
0:02:17 > 0:02:22"is President of the United States of America."
0:02:23 > 0:02:29People said, "Well, er, Hillary was the best qualified candidate ever.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33"She was Secretary of State, she was First Lady, she was an attorney."
0:02:33 > 0:02:35That's not the problem.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Peter Sutcliffe was an excellent truck driver.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's the attitude. Hillary Clinton...
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I'm trying to think of something positive to say about her.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I suppose...
0:02:51 > 0:02:55for a granny, she was quite good at e-mail, wasn't she?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59If my granny had even seen a laptop,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02she would have tried to toast a sandwich in it.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Maybe we just have to accept Americans are irrational.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11And this is a country of people who not only don't have health care,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13they don't want health care
0:03:13 > 0:03:17and they're angry if someone offers them health care!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20This is a country of people obsessed with their teeth.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Obsessed with their teeth, don't care if they live or die.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26You can say what you like about British people,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29we don't judge anybody by their teeth.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Unless they're a child refugee fleeing a war zone.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36APPLAUSE
0:03:41 > 0:03:43OK, let's get on with the show.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Joining me to discuss all the issues,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47please welcome Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Good to have you here. Did you enjoy the campaign, Sara?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Enjoy it?- Yeah. - I have an anxiety disorder now.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- Katherine, were you horrified and appalled by the while thing?- Yes.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Gripped and horrified.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18And I'm a little bit in shock still, but I feel like he might do OK.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Like, because he's a liar,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23so maybe he was lying about all that horrible stuff he was going to do.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27That's a really, really positive way of looking at it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I like the theory that the American president doesn't have as much
0:04:30 > 0:04:31power as we think they do.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34So we think it's this huge thing and they can do good or they
0:04:34 > 0:04:36can do bad, and actually there's a whole system and they're
0:04:36 > 0:04:39a figurehead that we blame when it doesn't really work out.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Yeah, let's hope so.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Did you watch the election night, Katherine?- I did.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I went for a little nap when I put my daughter to bed and then
0:04:50 > 0:04:52woke up at 3am and watched
0:04:52 > 0:04:55until it was time to wake her in a new world...
0:04:56 > 0:04:59..where I'd be happier with her watching porn than CNN.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- She's, like, seven, right?- She's seven. Yeah, it's still better.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09His wife must be appalled, as well, that the whole thing's over,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11because she's presumably spent the last two years
0:05:11 > 0:05:13fucking her pilates instructor.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19For legal reasons, she hasn't been doing that.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- And now she's got this monster. - No, no, now he's even busier.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Yeah!- It's great. Now she can fuck two pilates instructors.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- What's next for Hillary, though, do you think?- She's in trouble,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36because President-Elect Trump said that he would jail her if
0:05:36 > 0:05:39he won, and I feel like she should hold him to that,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42because jail is a much safer place for a woman than Trump's America.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's not just Sara and Katherine I have to argue with tonight.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Who better to pass judgment on my views on America
0:05:50 > 0:05:52than 20 genuine real-life Americans?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Tonight, they have all the power, as, at the end of each debate,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57they'll be deciding whether I'm right or wrong.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Now, on with the show. Tonight, I'll be making three propositions
0:06:00 > 0:06:01based on the US election.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04First off, despite millions of dollars of fundraising and
0:06:04 > 0:06:07months of campaigning, Clinton and Trump were the two most
0:06:07 > 0:06:11disliked presidential candidates in modern history.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14So I propose that anybody in this room would be
0:06:14 > 0:06:17a better president than Donald Trump.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I don't know about you, but do you remember when you thought
0:06:20 > 0:06:22that George Bush was the bottom?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25You thought, "That's as low as it's going to get,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29"a guy who's so stupid that he can't really speak."
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It turns out there's a whole thing underneath that.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It goes all the way down to a guy who looks like
0:06:33 > 0:06:36a melted action figure of He-Man.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38He doesn't even really have policies,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41they're more the sort of things a drunk would say on a bus when
0:06:41 > 0:06:43he gets shaken awake by a pothole.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Here to give us an American perspective,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51from The Daily Show, please welcome comedian Michelle Wolf!
0:06:51 > 0:06:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Great to have you, Michelle. - Thank you.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08This seems like the fallout shelter
0:07:08 > 0:07:10we'd all go to after Trump was elected.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Is it sort of amazing that he's managed to create
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- a new low in America? Y'know?- Yeah.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21So, like, somewhere we think of as being culturally pretty much
0:07:21 > 0:07:24the dregs.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27And, I mean, he cheapened Vegas!
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Y'know? He ran a casino that lost money in Atlantic City.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I think we were doing a pretty good job of pretending that we had
0:07:37 > 0:07:39it together. Y'know?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Like, we were like the woman that just got divorced and we were
0:07:42 > 0:07:46like, "Everything's fine. I have my Chardonnay!"
0:07:46 > 0:07:51And now we're like, "It's not OK! I miss him!"
0:07:52 > 0:07:57I think Trump is an important... maybe signpost for
0:07:57 > 0:08:01a people whose voice really did need to be heard in America.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04And I hate everything else about him, but for that, nyah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07But it's sort of if this is what's happening now, anything can happen.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10There's that feeling, isn't there, like the next election
0:08:10 > 0:08:13might be between, you know, a toaster and an ostrich or something?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I'm going to put bets down now for Kim versus Kanye.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I'd rather have Trump in than Kanye.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I think Trump's probably got his meds balanced.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Well, I can actually show you the truth behind why Trump won.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Have a look at this revealing clip streamed live on the
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Christian website, America Stands,
0:08:34 > 0:08:38in which the hosts explain how they influenced the vote.
0:08:38 > 0:08:437:30 at night, we went on the air, but we have a prayer room here.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46We had people all across the United States joining with our
0:08:46 > 0:08:50prayer room here in Dallas in prayer. And look what happened.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53This was the moment when the whole race broke,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56when prayer began and the Church came out
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and then we see a 30-point swing here,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01a 30-point swing here.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06And now we see the swing to a 95% chance of winning, Trump.
0:09:06 > 0:09:105% chance of winning, Clinton. It's phenomenal!
0:09:10 > 0:09:17This is the proof positive of what the Lord did. The Lord did this.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:25 > 0:09:29That point in the graph is where they counted some of the votes.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It wasn't the power of prayer, it was the power of counting.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Are you saying this wasn't God?! They just showed us on a graph!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39All I'm saying is, if prayer works,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42they should pray to be less fucking stupid.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:51I'd also say that I don't believe the Lord is American,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53so he can't vote.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55And that's voter fraud.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Clinton lacks the natural warmth of a true leader,
0:10:01 > 0:10:05which is why she often looked to celebrities to provide it instead.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Take a look at this badly conceived interview between her and
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Mary J Blige.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12# If an officer stops you...
0:10:14 > 0:10:17# Always be polite
0:10:17 > 0:10:20# And never ever run away
0:10:20 > 0:10:25# Promised Momma you'll keep your hands in sight
0:10:26 > 0:10:29# Is it a gun, is it a knife?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33# Is it a wallet? This is your life
0:10:33 > 0:10:35# It ain't no secret
0:10:38 > 0:10:41# It ain't no secret
0:10:41 > 0:10:43# No secret, my friend
0:10:43 > 0:10:47# You can get killed just for living in...
0:10:47 > 0:10:52# Your American skin
0:10:52 > 0:10:53# Wohhhhhh. #
0:10:53 > 0:10:55APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Yeah, that's just a general white-person reaction to gospel
0:11:02 > 0:11:04happening three feet from your face.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:10What's she going to do, like, get up and twerk?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14She might have also, in her face, like, that face of hers might
0:11:14 > 0:11:19just have been, like, focus grouping in her head how much to smile.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20You know, she was probably like,
0:11:20 > 0:11:24"Is this smiling time or is this frowning time?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27"Someone poll the audience."
0:11:27 > 0:11:30There's a terrible message in this song of,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32if an officer stops you, just be polite.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35And you're, like, "Well, they fucking strangled a bloke for selling fags."
0:11:35 > 0:11:37You know...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39That is what mothers have to tell their young black sons,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and it's a tragedy.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43They do tell them that to keep them alive.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45# This is your life
0:11:45 > 0:11:48# Just for living in your American skin
0:11:48 > 0:11:49# Mmmm... #
0:11:49 > 0:11:51See? Strange reaction. It's weird.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's not... LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:54APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:11:59OK, what other choices did America really have?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02On MSNBC's Morning Joe programme,
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson's disturbing response
0:12:07 > 0:12:10to a question left everyone stunned. Take a look.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14What you do, if you were elected, about Aleppo?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- About...- Aleppo.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17And what is Aleppo?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20- You're kidding.- No!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Aleppo is in Syria.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28It's the epicentre of the refugee crisis...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- OK, got it, got it.- OK.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I remember when that happened and immediately, everyone was like,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"He doesn't know where Aleppo is!
0:12:36 > 0:12:37"Cos I do."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"Wait, it's in, um..."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Well, I've said that anyone in this room would make a better president
0:12:48 > 0:12:52than Donald Trump, so let's meet a couple of them to find out.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56We asked several of our audience members to fill in questionnaires.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Where's Daniel Walker? Daniel? How are you doing, Daniel?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Well, thank you.- Are you enjoying the Trump administration?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- I'm lovin' it so far. - You look kind of stoned, Daniel.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:09We all handle this in our own way.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Daniel, we asked you if you were President of the United States
0:13:12 > 0:13:16and it's your first day in the job, what's the first thing you would do?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20You said, "My top priority would be ending the war on drugs." Well...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"Simplify the corporate tax code.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"Laying groundwork for a national health care exchange.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"Limiting campaign donations.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35"Reining in the NSA and creating powerful transparency laws."
0:13:35 > 0:13:37And that's why you would be dead in a week.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- But I salute your idealism, Daniel. - I love Daniel!
0:13:42 > 0:13:46That was really nice. I was going to say, "Have sex in the Oval Office."
0:13:46 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I think that's been done, hasn't it? That's been done to death.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Well, not to ME!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57That would have been Hillary's first order of business,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00just burning a lot of carpet.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- Where's Arianna Reich? How're you doing, Arianna?- Good.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06We asked you, if you are running for president and could choose
0:14:06 > 0:14:11any celebrity as your VP, who would it be and why?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13You said, "The bear from The Revenant."
0:14:13 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:20"Who would mess with him and, by extension, me?"
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I think...
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I think the bear from The Revenant
0:14:23 > 0:14:26was kind of defending his own territory.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29He's not invading the Middle East to steal honey.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Also, I think the bear from The Revenant is doing
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I'm A Celebrity this year.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:42"Here's your best bits. This is you eating Chris Akabusi."
0:14:42 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:50OK, I'm convinced that literally anybody in this room would
0:14:50 > 0:14:52make a better president than Donald Trump.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Americans, if you agree with me, it's green.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57If you disagree, it's red.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Vote now, Americans.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Almost entirely in agreement, anyone would do a better job.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Just a couple of perverts.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15OK, on to the next proposition. Throughout the campaign,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Donald Trump repeatedly showed us how much he loathes women.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21And Hillary Clinton is no feminist either.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25And so I propose, America Hates Women.
0:15:25 > 0:15:2852% of white women voted for Trump,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31so it might even be that American Women Hate Women.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Donald Trump said during the campaign,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35"Nobody has more respect for women than me."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I can't even decode what that means.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42The only way that makes sense is if Respect is the trade name of
0:15:42 > 0:15:44the date rape drug that he uses.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Hillary Clinton was a very particular type of feminist.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56She didn't believe in female genital mutilation...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59unless it was performed by an American drone.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00LOUD GROANING
0:16:03 > 0:16:05There's no point "ohhing" reality.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I object to that, because I find it difficult enough
0:16:10 > 0:16:13to find the clitoris at the best of times
0:16:13 > 0:16:16without having to paw through the rubble of Kandahar.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Here to help us debate this topic,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25please welcome the comedian Desiree Burch.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Desiree, thanks for joining us.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41I don't have a lot to say to that,
0:16:41 > 0:16:45except for it's sad to see it in print, because the truth hurts.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Do you think it was a factor in the election, misogyny?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Yeah - I mean, I'm really sick of arguing with men
0:16:51 > 0:16:54about how terrible a candidate Hillary was
0:16:54 > 0:16:56because we've elected so many terrible candidates
0:16:56 > 0:16:58all throughout America's history -
0:16:58 > 0:17:01we've never blinked about electing terrible people.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06It was really a hyper-focus on all of her flaws and...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08You know, there is a reason for that.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Let's have a look at some illustrations on all of this -
0:17:10 > 0:17:12if you're looking for evidence that America hates women,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14then there's no clearer example
0:17:14 > 0:17:17than the extreme makeover reality show The Swan.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Take a look at this unsettling package describing the programme.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23These 16 women handed over their lives
0:17:23 > 0:17:25to a world-class team of experts.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Collectively, they received more than 4 million worth of treatments,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32including radical plastic surgery, cosmetic dentistry...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34One of the most challenging cases.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36..gruelling physical training...
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Agh!
0:17:37 > 0:17:38..and hardcore personal coaching.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40No pork chops - the party's over.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43The programme pushed all of the competitors
0:17:43 > 0:17:44to their absolute limits.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48In the end, nine earned a spot
0:17:48 > 0:17:51in the most-watched beauty pageant in America.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56While only one received the crown...
0:17:59 > 0:18:00..they were all winners.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Should they have had pyrotechnics at the end
0:18:09 > 0:18:12that close to so much plastic surgery?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Didn't the prize go to the doctor?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Horse racing, isn't it?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18It's the horse that's winning that race, mate.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20It's so heart-rending to see these women,
0:18:20 > 0:18:21cos they're kind of like,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23"I'm afraid no-one's ever going to love me",
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and you know, by the time they're done,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27you know, oh, they're with their boyfriend, who's like,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"Oh, yeah, I really love her body now,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"she's a totally different person",
0:18:31 > 0:18:32so she just proved herself right, like,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34"No, no-one will ever love YOU.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36"But this ten, this doctor, can cut you in two.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"Oh, yeah, men love that."
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Also, you can have perfectly good teeth and be alone.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46I've never been in a relationship, OR had braces.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Anyway, as body consciousness becomes increasingly neurotic,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54it's no surprise that labiaplasties
0:18:54 > 0:18:58are one of the fastest-growing surgical procedures in the States.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Have a look at this episode of medical advice show The Doctors
0:19:01 > 0:19:06and the startling way one surgeon chooses to explain designer vaginas.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Quickly, can you explain to us what you're doing down there?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- I need to understand this. - Is this a tightening thing?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Or is this an aesthetic, outside situation?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18This represents the mons pubis and the labia majora.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So, what we will do, primarily,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22is either make a small incision here, in the mons pubis,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26so that we can remove the fat by liposculping
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and normally, this will go down into the upper areas
0:19:29 > 0:19:32of the mons...of the labia majora.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Yeah, that's just ruined my two favourite things -
0:19:37 > 0:19:38sex and Nando's.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I don't know if that guy knows what a vagina is.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Be good if you had the operation,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47you just kind of lifted up your dress,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and there's, like, two legs of chicken.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Also, I'm not going to do anything to my vagina
0:19:53 > 0:19:56until you guys fix your testicles.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00It's like a goblin's coin purse.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06I feel like if I got labiaplasty, I want to make it, like, longer,
0:20:06 > 0:20:07just so everyone who came at it, I could be like,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10"Ha-ha-ha! Your tiny penis! Ha-ha-ha!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I would be the Jabba the Hutt of fucking guys.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"No, not enough! Ha-ha-ha!"
0:20:16 > 0:20:19That'll be the next thing - first, it was, like, big, big boobs.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Now it's, like, big fake bums.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- The labia is next. - Is it going bigger?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Yeah - I love it. - Big, grabbable labia.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30"Grab my pussy now with your tiny hands, mother...!"
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Trump's attitude to women shouldn't have been a surprise.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Take a look at this revealing moment on Howard Stern's radio show,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39featuring Trump and his daughter Ivanka.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Donald, do you ever discuss sex with your daughter?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- No.- You don't? - No.- You've never...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I have a feeling we're not going to, here.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Maybe we need to bring this up.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Donald, seriously - you know about sexual predators,
0:20:52 > 0:20:53and things like that.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54WOMAN: You are one.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56All right, I wasn't going to say that.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- INAUDIBLE:- That's true.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01"It's true."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04And she's like, "They know about that time..."
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I like that she was like,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11"You know dads - they're always telling bad jokes
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"and getting to the airport early
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"and being sexual predators."
0:21:16 > 0:21:21I felt there was a real element of misogyny to a lot of the stuff...
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Just Trump supporters, obviously, but in general, in the media.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I don't know if we're confusing hatred with wanting to own.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Like, I feel America loves women, and that's why it wants to tell them
0:21:31 > 0:21:33what to do all the time and control them.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Like, tell them how to look and give them no reproductive choices.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40They love them, like the Taliban.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42We have to look at what you mean by America -
0:21:42 > 0:21:45America was created by white men who make up
0:21:45 > 0:21:46a lot of the Trump electorate,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49same with white women, as you mentioned.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54I used to be the white woman who would have voted for Donald Trump
0:21:54 > 0:21:57because I was taught that a man should lead.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59"Let him text you first. Let him pay for you.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"Don't be more powerful than him. Don't make more money than him."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Well, the shift in the world right now is humungous
0:22:04 > 0:22:06and it makes them very threatened and very unhappy
0:22:06 > 0:22:10and, yes, this has been a setback, but overall, we're winning.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Like, look at us! This goes for not just women, but minorities.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16They can rape us and beat us and imprison us
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and make more money than us, but we're still nailing it,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22and those men are angry and...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25They hate us when we do well.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26And they hate us so much
0:22:26 > 0:22:28that they'll be men watching this right now who go,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30"Not all men..."
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Fuck you.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- "Not all men..." - APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:38It's not about you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I know... I know a lot of great men -
0:22:41 > 0:22:43yourself included, Mr Boyle -
0:22:43 > 0:22:45and those men would look at me when I'm saying this
0:22:45 > 0:22:47and they wouldn't respond with "Not all men."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50They would be nodding along and they would agree with me and say,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"Yes, this is a problem, how can I use my privilege to stop it?"
0:22:53 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I think women can be misogynists as well
0:22:59 > 0:23:02and I also think there's been a lot of people that have said
0:23:02 > 0:23:04this wasn't about sexism.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I've never heard any other candidate
0:23:07 > 0:23:09in the history of the United States -
0:23:09 > 0:23:12and I've been alive the whole time -
0:23:12 > 0:23:19that...the number of times they smiled or didn't smile was counted.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24There's never been another candidate whose voice has been criticised.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- Well, I have a really annoying laugh.- I mean, so do I!
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I have a shrill voice, but I... I didn't pick it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I wasn't like, "That's the voice I'd like.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"I'd like the voice that causes dogs to gather outside."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I think it's a thing of, like...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45It is all men. You've all got that bit in you.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Cos you grow up in that society, in that culture,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50you've just got to recognise that.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Again, I think women are involved in that.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm a woman who loves to look at women -
0:23:53 > 0:23:54like, there's nothing I like more
0:23:54 > 0:23:56than the female changing rooms at my yoga,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00where a lot of the women are naked, and I love to look at them.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Still, I mean, if we think that we are progressive,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06and we've come a long way, but even America...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09The Islamic State will offer maternity leave
0:24:09 > 0:24:12before the state of Georgia will elect a woman as commander-in-chief.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It is not happening.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16What's the difference between Trump and Islamic State?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18It's a beard.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Not to mention, Pakistan has had a female President.- Yeah.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26They blew her up, to be fair.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30OK, it's time to vote.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34So, Americans, if you agree with me that America hates women,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37it's green. If you disagree, it's red. Vote now.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You agree.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44To be fair, Donald Trump doesn't hate all women.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46It's just the fat ones, the Mexican ones,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48the ones with unplanned pregnancies,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51the ones who don't stick to the rules of beauty competitions,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54the ones who accuse him of sexual assault
0:24:54 > 0:24:57and the ones who were married to Bill Clinton.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Now, I'm very sad to say that, at this moment,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Michelle has to rush off.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10She has to rush off to her hotel room and say,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"Thank fuck that's over."
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It's been an absolute pleasure having you.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle Wolf!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Thank you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31OK. Time for our final proposition.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Beyond the circus of the election itself,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36the American media has a lot to answer for.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39The partisan news coverage and the all-powerful movie industry
0:25:39 > 0:25:43mean that America is in fact the world's largest producer of
0:25:43 > 0:25:45dangerous and harmful propaganda.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And so, I propose...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:01The US media and entertainment sector accounts for
0:26:01 > 0:26:03a third of the world's media production.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05The US military have been known to
0:26:05 > 0:26:07intervene in the making of Hollywood films.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10A spokesman for the US Department of Defense has said,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"Our desire is that the military are portrayed as good people
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"trying to do the right thing in the right way."
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Which is helpful, as I can never remember which is the
0:26:19 > 0:26:21right way to bomb an Afghan hospital.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24AUDIENCE GASPS
0:26:24 > 0:26:26SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:32The top five highest-grossing movies of 2015 were all American and
0:26:32 > 0:26:35what's interesting is that they all depict an escapist fantasy -
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Star Wars, Jurassic World, Avengers,
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Inside Out, and the one where Vin Diesel plays a straight guy.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Here to argue the case for the American entertainment industry,
0:26:49 > 0:26:54please welcome presenter, producer, film enthusiast and bon viveur,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Richard Osman!
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Hey, Frankie.- Hey, Rich. You enjoyed the election?
0:27:14 > 0:27:15It was an amazing election.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18It tells us an awful lot of things but it was an extraordinary election
0:27:18 > 0:27:20in so many ways.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Is this the end point of American propaganda?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26We're sold these images of billionaires,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28of wealth being good,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31of false stories about their exceptionalism
0:27:31 > 0:27:33throughout the election.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Has that contributed to this scenario, to having Trump?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39No, I don't think so. I think Hollywood has always done that.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42You said the top five movies were escapist movies. They always are.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46That's what you want from movies, what you want from politicians.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47People, by and large...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Most people are not happy with their lot at any given time,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and if you're not happy with your lot, you want to escape,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54whether that's through a movie or through a president,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57but I don't think the two things correlate.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Well, there are two strands to propaganda so...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01There's actually four.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Oh, you are such a fucking game show host.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09But if you get two, you are through to the next round.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12There's this side of it that's the ideology, that's,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14"We're Americans, we're exceptional."
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I think the particular type of American exceptionalism is,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19we're allowed to use force. That's the message you see.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23But there's also distraction, so what you're saying is,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25there's all this distraction so it's OK.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Michael Jackson had a lot of brilliant funfair rides
0:28:29 > 0:28:33and petting zoos and stuff on the grounds of Neverland.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Yes. Full stop.- That was the distraction.- Full stop. Yeah.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40- But there was something else more sinister going on.- Yes.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42And with America, we have the same thing.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44You can look over here,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46there are some great movies from Pixar but, at the same time,
0:28:46 > 0:28:49when it comes down to it, when we depict the military
0:28:49 > 0:28:50or even just in our news,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53we're presenting an ideology that says that we're exceptional
0:28:53 > 0:28:55and we're allowed to do what we like.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57A bit, but I would say we'd be an awful lot worse off
0:28:57 > 0:29:00if it wasn't for the American entertainment industry.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I suspect some of the stuff...
0:29:02 > 0:29:04We'd be watching British movies.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05- Exactly.- For a start.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08My daughter watches Netflix, when we're choosing something,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10she goes, "British!"
0:29:11 > 0:29:13"Oh, sorry."
0:29:13 > 0:29:14"British."
0:29:14 > 0:29:17It's true, though. It'd just be Danny Dyer films.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18There is genuinely...
0:29:18 > 0:29:21The American entertainment industry gives us movies,
0:29:21 > 0:29:23the best TV in the world, the best video games in the world.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26The one place that Hollywood doesn't have its tentacles -
0:29:26 > 0:29:28this is what it'd be like
0:29:28 > 0:29:30if you don't have the entertainment industry - is YouTube.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32The world would just be YouTubers.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34That would be your only entertainment
0:29:34 > 0:29:36if you burned the American entertainment industry
0:29:36 > 0:29:39to the ground. Is that what you want, you monster?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I cheerfully accept the term "monster".
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Let's have a look at a prime example of Hollywood propaganda.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Here's some crass patriotism in a scene from Olympus Has Fallen, when
0:29:49 > 0:29:54the President addresses the nation after a failed invasion of America.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59'Our foe did not come only to destroy our things or our people.'
0:29:59 > 0:30:00Are you OK?
0:30:00 > 0:30:02'They came to desecrate our way of life.'
0:30:02 > 0:30:04To foul our beliefs.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Trample our freedom.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09And in this, not only did they fail,
0:30:09 > 0:30:12they granted us the greatest gift.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14A chance at our rebirth.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17May God bless you.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20And may God bless the United States of America.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24LAUGHTER
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Gerard Butler, of all people, there.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31All I can say is that if Americans feel they're best represented by
0:30:31 > 0:30:36the bloated face of a Scottish sex addict, welcome to the show.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Richard, that's the sort of thing I'm talking about.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45When it comes down to political messages, you end up having
0:30:45 > 0:30:49this very exceptional idea of America that's punted at us.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51How do you want them to end that film?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54That film is North Korea attacking the United States.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55You want them to end with, "Do you know what?
0:30:55 > 0:30:58"They sort of had a point, the North Koreans."
0:30:58 > 0:31:00How else were they going to end that film?
0:31:00 > 0:31:02No-one thinks that's real.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06They could have not made a film where North Korea invaded America.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08All The President's Men, there's a good movie.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10That's not propaganda, is it?
0:31:10 > 0:31:13It's left-wing propaganda, if anything.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15There's so much more left-wing propaganda in movies
0:31:15 > 0:31:18than right-wing propaganda from the United States.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19There are a lot of important films,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22like 12 Years A Slave, and 13th was really important
0:31:22 > 0:31:23and great to watch,
0:31:23 > 0:31:26and it takes you a few years to understand that America
0:31:26 > 0:31:30saving the world when you're a child isn't really the way
0:31:30 > 0:31:33that the world works, but you figure it out before you're of age to vote.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Hmm...
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I think YOU figured it out because, fortunately,
0:31:40 > 0:31:44you didn't grow up there, like, being inundated with all of that...
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Aw, you think Canada has its own TV and films(?)
0:31:49 > 0:31:51I think Hollywood, by and large, the movie industry,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53is a genuine force for good.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55It's a force for social good.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58I think it has soft power and shows things to Americans before
0:31:58 > 0:31:59they're quite ready for them.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Honestly, I think it does an amazing job.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04The news media is extraordinarily awful in the States,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07and we're very lucky over here to have a better one.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I agree. American news is rife with propaganda.
0:32:09 > 0:32:14They have almost no sense of history so, like, you will see them going,
0:32:14 > 0:32:16"Oh, there was a car bomb in Baghdad today,"
0:32:16 > 0:32:21and they then analyse it and say, "Why do Iraqis hate cars so much?"
0:32:25 > 0:32:27The American media spend so much time
0:32:27 > 0:32:28telling the nation to be scared,
0:32:28 > 0:32:31it's hardly surprising they're all armed.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35Take a look at these crazed moments from TV show American Guns.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39On this season of American Guns...
0:32:39 > 0:32:41We build guns for men in America!
0:32:43 > 0:32:46What do you say we make some big loud noises with this gun?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Let's do it.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49THEY CHUCKLE
0:33:09 > 0:33:11On Discovery.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13It actually sort of looks less offensive
0:33:13 > 0:33:15than the original Top Gear.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18With respect, that looks amazing.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20It does, doesn't it?
0:33:20 > 0:33:24They stick a gun under the front of a car at one point
0:33:24 > 0:33:26and shoot stuff with a car.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Ohhh...
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Oh, the motion has failed.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36The American gun lobby are so fixated on their right to bear arms
0:33:36 > 0:33:39that they come up with solutions to problems you didn't know existed.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Take a look at this jaw-dropping lo-fi advert
0:33:42 > 0:33:44featuring an ingenious invention.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48What if, when you woke up, the intruders were already in your room?
0:33:48 > 0:33:52At that point, reaching for a firearm may tip off the intruder
0:33:52 > 0:33:54where your gun is, and get you killed.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57There is a solution. The patent-pending gun bed.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00The gun bed is quite possibly the biggest breakthrough
0:34:00 > 0:34:03in home defence since the invention of the firearm.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13I actually would quite like my fear of intruders
0:34:13 > 0:34:15being replaced with the fear
0:34:15 > 0:34:18of a loaded shotgun dropping onto my head.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22I think it's so cool they got Vladimir Putin to be in that advert.
0:34:22 > 0:34:23That's so satisfying.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Like, which of us hasn't been in bed with someone
0:34:25 > 0:34:27we wanted to immediately shoot in the face?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Like, that's so...
0:34:29 > 0:34:31You wouldn't be able to get the distance,
0:34:31 > 0:34:35but so many times, you're just like, "No, mistakes were made."
0:34:35 > 0:34:39Be good if they could do that, but with tubes of Pringles.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40Yeah!
0:34:40 > 0:34:42"It's snack time."
0:34:42 > 0:34:45You could have both and just like, "You're not getting any Pringles."
0:34:48 > 0:34:51The intruder sits there as you eat them, one by one.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55OK, I'm convinced that America
0:34:55 > 0:34:57is the world's largest producer of propaganda,
0:34:57 > 0:34:59but it's down to my American audience members
0:34:59 > 0:35:00to see if they agree with me.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02So, Americans, if you agree with me
0:35:02 > 0:35:04that the entire American entertainment industry
0:35:04 > 0:35:06should be burned to the ground, it's green.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08If you disagree, it's red. Vote now.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Disagree.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Of course you do, you've been brainwashed.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17APPLAUSE
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Well, that's the end of my American Autopsy.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Thanks to my guests, Sara Pascoe, Katherine Ryan,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Desiree Burch, Richard Osman and Michelle Wolf.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35But, before I go, I want to leave you with this.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37You've got to look on the bright side.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41As I dropped my child off at school today, I said,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"Be positive. If everything kicks off,
0:35:44 > 0:35:45"that's your blood type."
0:35:50 > 0:35:54David Bowie was great at predicting future trends, wasn't he?
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Always seemed to know what was going to be fashionable next.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02He had an unfailing sense of what the future would be like.
0:36:02 > 0:36:03And that is why, this year,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05he chose to die.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09David Bowie willed himself to die like a dolphin.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Our civilisation is coming to an end.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Not at some theoretical point in the future, but soon.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS
0:36:23 > 0:36:25We have just under four months left.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31The death throes of humanity will be a carnival of indescribable horror,
0:36:31 > 0:36:33which I will now describe.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39We will see limbless men raping people with greased heads.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Members of Isis beheading themselves.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46James Corden continuing to perform an endless monologue,
0:36:46 > 0:36:50caked in the flung excrement of the 54th Southern Highlanders.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56At the zoo, wild animals will form a dignified queue
0:36:56 > 0:36:59as they wait for the elephants to stamp them to death.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03Watching lions and tigers being trodden like grapes,
0:37:03 > 0:37:05humans will attempt to join them,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07and the elephants will use their trunks
0:37:07 > 0:37:10to pull their heads off like champagne corks...
0:37:10 > 0:37:12to the ecstatic applause of the sea lions.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17The only currency will be the Vienna Boys' Choir.
0:37:19 > 0:37:2310,000 traumatised infants in makeshift lingerie
0:37:23 > 0:37:26will flee the Vatican like rats from a factory fire.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31For the people of Swansea, life will go on as normal.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35APPLAUSE
0:37:39 > 0:37:41The bloody pelt of Tom Hanks will be flown
0:37:41 > 0:37:45as a flag of humanity's surrender to the inevitable.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49Alien spacecraft, seconds from Earth, will turn around.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52God will avert his gaze in disgust,
0:37:52 > 0:37:54then send down his self-righteous son
0:37:54 > 0:37:56to be murdered again because he hates him.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02So, please, don't waste time on petty rivalries and hatreds.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04That neighbour who annoys you -
0:38:04 > 0:38:07invite him round for a barbecue, get drunk with him...
0:38:07 > 0:38:09kill him, it doesn't matter.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12He's dead already.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Life on Earth is over, and we can mope about it
0:38:15 > 0:38:18or we can enjoy the relief of knowing
0:38:18 > 0:38:20that nothing matters any more.
0:38:20 > 0:38:21I don't know about you,
0:38:21 > 0:38:24but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27After this, I'm off to the National Gallery to fuck a Rubens.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33And don't feel sad - you're the lucky ones.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35You made it to the end of the game.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39The movie is over, and we're living in the blooper reel.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I've buried a time capsule for the people of the future.
0:38:42 > 0:38:43And do you know what's in it?
0:38:43 > 0:38:45A pressure-sensitive land mine.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Good luck rebuilding society with no legs.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59The very last chapter of human history will involve
0:38:59 > 0:39:03Richard Branson trying to flee the Earth on a spacecraft.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07But, as he blasts off, he'll feel my shotgun at the base of his skull,
0:39:07 > 0:39:10and my erection at the base of his spine.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I will be the alien to his Sigourney Weaver.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21Anyway, I'm sorry that I won't be with you for the coming struggle.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23In these final moments of existence,
0:39:23 > 0:39:27I'm afraid I have better things to do than try to amuse strangers.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28Goodbye.
0:39:28 > 0:39:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:29 > 0:39:31# Hallelujah
0:39:33 > 0:39:35# Hallelujah
0:39:37 > 0:39:40# Hallelujah
0:39:41 > 0:39:45# Hallelujah... #