0:00:02 > 0:00:04RADIO: And it's causing long delays on the M11 as well...
0:00:04 > 0:00:05GROANING
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Come on!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12What time were we supposed to pick up the key?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14An hour and a half ago.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15We might as well turn round!
0:00:15 > 0:00:17It's entirely up to you.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Well, we can't turn round now.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21It's your call.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23What do you want me to do, stick my arm out the window?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27If everybody could just back up about five or six miles,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29we're turning round!
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Nobody's moved.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Shall we tell them?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- What do you think? - Oh, let's tell them!
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Do you want to tell them, or shall I?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- I don't mind.- I'll tell them.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Little Neil, take your headphones out.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I'm pillaging the realm of the Mandrake King!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Ow! Get lost, you weirdo!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Fetch.- Stop it now, or you won't get your onion rings at tea.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- He started it.- Just let me torch the granary!
0:01:01 > 0:01:02You can torch it in a minute!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Your dad wants to speak to you.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And you, put Mr James down.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08It's M R James.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Oi!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Pass us the Pringle tub, love.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Drum roll...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Right. We were going to save this announcement till we got there,
0:01:20 > 0:01:21but...
0:01:21 > 0:01:22I can't wait!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27We've not just booked a lodge in the Lake District...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30..we've bought one! SHE SQUEALS
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- How many bedrooms?- Two.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33I am not sharing!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36It'll be the start of a whole new chapter for this family.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Me and your mum have grafted 20 years for this,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40and we've done it all for you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45It's going to be our little place in paradise, our Shangri-La.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48See what he's doing over there?
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Oh, just ignore him, love.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51What? Who?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Nothing. I thought you had a granary to torch.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Oh, now, the teacher should be doing something about that!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- That's it!- Where are you going?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Neil!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- What is he doing?- Can I go with him?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Let me on board!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Michael Douglas! - Right, who's in charge here?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- I want to speak to your teacher. - I am the teacher! What is going on?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27One of your pupils was making lewd gestures at my family,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29and I want him disciplined immediately!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30What kind of gestures?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Hand gestures. - What kind of hand gestures?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36He was suggesting that I...
0:02:38 > 0:02:39..enjoy my own company.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43And then he started blowing kisses at me!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Well, that's a nice gesture.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48No, it's not, mate. That's a nice gesture!
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Making a cup of tea is a nice gesture.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Oh, milk and two sugars if you're offering!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53THEY LAUGH
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Listen, you, nobody makes a fool of Neil Hackett!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- When's he coming back? - Why did he even get on?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Why does your dad do anything? Why did he chop down the bird table?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Why did he wear that sombrero to Grandad's funeral?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Sorry.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Is that it?- Thank you, Macca.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Macca?! You're not his friend, you're his teacher!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17We make no distinction at Saint Josephs.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- We're a community.- So was Waco!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22In my day, I'd have been bent over the headmaster's desk
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and given what for! THEY LAUGH
0:03:24 > 0:03:25The world's gone mad!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You got out of your car in the middle of a main road
0:03:27 > 0:03:30because Macca blew kisses at you, and you think we've gone mad?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32It's not like we were going anywhere.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Well, we are now!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38HORNS BEEP
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Drive, Mum! Drive!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40HORNS BEEP
0:03:40 > 0:03:42All right! All right!
0:03:45 > 0:03:46I'll kill him!
0:03:48 > 0:03:53# Going up the country, don't you wanna go?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58# Going up the country, don't you wanna go?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11RINGTONE: # Like a virgin
0:04:13 > 0:04:15# Touched for the very... #
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Hi, you've reached Ben Thistlethwaite,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20site manager of the Lakeview Holiday Park.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21I'm sorry I'm not here at the moment.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Please leave a message.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25BEEP!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Here we are!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Home sweet second home.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Dad, it's epic!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Isn't she just? - I can't believe it's ours.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- Neither can I. - Can we go in the hot tub?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Of course you can... Eh?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45That isn't ours, little Neil!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46This one is!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53See, we've gone for your more classic cabin-style lodge.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56This is one of the original properties on the park.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Practically a listed building!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Has it got a hot tub? - It's got a tub, yeah.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02You can put hot water in.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ben said the key's above the door.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- Who's Ben?- Ben Thistlethwaite, the park owner.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh, you haven't to call him Mr Thistlethwaite, Ben?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It's easier than calling him Mr Thistlethwaite!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Ow!- What is it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- A splinter.- Do you mean a bath?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Oh ho ho!- It's lovely!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Where's my room?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35So, what do you reckon, Garth?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37REGULAR SQUEAKING
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Is there Wi-Fi?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Wi-Fi?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Wi-Fi!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Who needs Wi-Fi with a view like this!
0:05:49 > 0:05:50REGULAR SQUEAKING
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Somewhere out there, there's a forest, a lake...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55DISTANT THUNK ..mountains, red squirrels.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I think I broke Garth's bed.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Look, I'll fix it in the morning.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Come and finish your tea. - Can I have a sip?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15One sip.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17- Cheers, big man.- Cheers.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I don't want to miss Football Focus.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22You're not going to miss Football Focus.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Don't you mean who needs Football Focus with a view like that?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Well...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Yeah, he's right. You don't need Football Focus.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You've got a forest, a lake, mountains...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Red squirrels.- Yeah, I was coming to them, thank you.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37What's so good about red squirrels?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Well, they're...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- dead rare. - I thought you hated squirrels.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Normal squirrels, yeah.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44But not red ones.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47What is it about red squirrels that makes you like them more than normal squirrels?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49And Football Focus, and Wi-Fi?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Isn't it time these two were getting ready for bed?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54No, come on, Neil, answer the question.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55What is it about red squirrels?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Well, they're red!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Aren't they?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Because they are red!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Hold still.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Wait a sec.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- What's that for? - I don't want to wake the kids up!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I'm taking out a splinter, not amputating your leg!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Well, you could slay a vampire with that thing!
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Right, ready when you are.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Is that all of it? - Mmm. Both millimetres.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Here,
0:07:32 > 0:07:33have this for the pain.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Oh, ta.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Well, we did it, then.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Mm, we did.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08HE HUMS
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Hell's teeth!
0:08:21 > 0:08:22KNOCKING
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Could somebody get that, please?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Boys!
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Are you expecting anyone?
0:08:29 > 0:08:30No.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- Fiona?- I think so.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Yes!- Sorry, it's Robert, from across the way.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Nice...place, you've got.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Oh, thank you. Well, you too!
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Neil Hackett.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh! Well, look, I picked you up some eggs on my way back from my run
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- this morning.- Oh!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Very nice.- How much do we owe you?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Oh, no, don't be silly, no.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Those were laid this morning, they're still warm!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Oh, warm eggs, lovely!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Yeah. The farmer's got a whole load of brown Leghorns.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16I say, I say, what's the big idea chasin' my worm?
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Fred Elliott?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Foghorn Leghorn. - Oh, right, yes, of course!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Obviously! I say, I say, I say,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27the boy talks so much he got sunburn on his tongue!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Now, that's Foghorn Leghorn!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Almost there.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37So would you guys like to join us for a bite to eat later?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- We're barbecuing. - We were thinking of going to...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- We'd be delighted to, Robert. Thank you.- Great.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- How many are you?- There's just us and the two boys.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Right. We've only got the one, Petra, she's just turned 15.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Oh, you don't look old enough!- Oh!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Well, great, well, see you later.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- OK, bye.- Look forward to it.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Eh?!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07If he thinks I'm eating warm eggs,
0:10:07 > 0:10:08he's even dafter than he looks!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- They're fresh! - Fresh from a chicken's backside!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Where else would they come from!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Probably riddled with E. Coli, salmonella, and God knows what.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17You know me, I like my eggs in a box,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19with a bar code and a best before date.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It was a very thoughtful gesture.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24He seems lovely.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Yeah, but, you think that now,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27that's before the favours start rolling in!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Would you mind if I... You know, could I just...
0:10:30 > 0:10:33They'll end up being the most expensive eggs you ever eat.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Fine, you can have cornflakes.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, I need to iron you a clean shirt.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Why? Come on, I'll only end up getting brown sauce down it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Presuming they do brown sauce.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Probably be all home-made hummus and free-range guacamole.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48It might be fun.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52With a bit of luck, we could be friends with them for years!
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Dad, Dad!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56That bloke next door can do a Neymar flick!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00# Together we'll stand
0:11:00 > 0:11:02# Divided we'll fall
0:11:02 > 0:11:05# Come on now, people, let's get on the ball
0:11:05 > 0:11:07# And work together
0:11:08 > 0:11:10# Come on, come on, let's work together... #
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Can't get a screw loose!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13You surprise me!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Thistlethwaite promised you they were demolishing that eyesore!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22They seem pleasant enough.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24You're loving this, aren't you?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Absolutely loving it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29How easy would it be for you to come out? what would it cost you?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31No, no, no.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Have to do it the hard way every single time.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I'm telling you, my friend,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39you are messing with the wrong hombre.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Ooh!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49What's he doing out there?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51His best. What do you think?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I prefer the other one.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58MUFFLED ARGUMENT
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Everything all right up there?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Tickety-boo!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Nice day for it.- Yeah, wonderful!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I'm going to go out and...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23get some fish.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Ooooahhhh!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40That's great, Dad! Don't move!
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Aaagghh!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Dad, it's gone again!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48That aftershave were a quarter full.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- I spilt it.- I shouldn't stand too close to the barbecue.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You'll go up like the Hindenburg.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Greetings. - So glad you could make it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Right, shall we do formal introductions then?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07This is my wife, Penny.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And my daughter, Petra.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Hi.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- This is Garth.- Garth.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Little Neil.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17This is my wife, Fiona.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Stop that, little Neil.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Last, and by every means least, I am Neil.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25After Neil Armstrong.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Really?- Well, what else could they call me?
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I was born at 3am on the 21st of July, 1969.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Just as he set foot on another world, I stepped foot onto this one.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38You could walk from birth?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Well, all I can say is,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I'm glad Buzz Aldrin was second down that ladder!
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Ha-ha! Yeah...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Oh! Sorry.- No, no, no, it's fine.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49It's fine. Here we go.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Did you play?- No, no, not really.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01You were captain of England Universities.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Yeah, it was a terribly long time ago.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Never really played properly, did you?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08No, actually, I had a couple of runouts at Northampton, but...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Well, it wasn't really for me.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I wanted to travel, you know, see the world.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16So, Penny, where did you meet?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19The Full Moon Party at Koh Phangan.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21In the early days.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I know they're rather passe and overcrowded now.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Terribly.- Back then, it was quite something.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I was three months out of boarding school.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Roedean.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34He was swimming in the bay.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36He came out of the water...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39..naked.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44The moonlight was catching droplets on his skin.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45He was glowing.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Only one person was going to dry him off that night.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51And it wasn't his girlfriend Tanya.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Right...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00So, what about you two? Where did you meet?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Fully clothed.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05North Staffs General.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08He was running the WH Smith concession.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10I'm at Keele Services now.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11North and South bound.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- At the same time? - I shuttle between the two.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Seem to spend half my life on that footbridge, don't I?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21So, if you're ever passing through...
0:15:21 > 0:15:22How could we be anything else?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Right, then, well, can I get you some drinks?
0:15:26 > 0:15:31- Yes.- Lager for me, and white wine for the lady. Please.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Just some fizzy pop for the kids if you've got it, ta.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Petra, can you get the...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Oh, we've brought some food.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Oh!- There you go.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Burgers, grillsteaks.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Full Monty.- You shouldn't have.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48No, this is great. All the more to go round!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Yes, I was rather lucky this afternoon,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I caught some trout at the lake.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55There you go. And we've got some free-range chicken marinating
0:15:55 > 0:15:58in the fridge. I say, I say, I say, free-range chicken!
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Private joke.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06What else? Oh, yes,
0:16:06 > 0:16:11veggie kebabs and we have got some guacamole and hummus.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Ketchup, mustard.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Oh, tzatziki, and obviously brown sauce.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Of course, in Ibiza, it was all tapas.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23We had a place up north in Portinatx.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Oh, lovely!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It was 20 minutes from Club Mambo.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30With a Grecian pool and a view across the bay.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33We had an orchard.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oranges.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Lemons.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Cherries.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Olives.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Almonds.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Figs.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Pears.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Apricots.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Pomegranates.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56No apples?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Your daughter... From a previous relationship, was she?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- No, no.- Oh, right.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Well, you know what they say,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16when you're in love with a beautiful woman, it's hard.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Still, you seem to have worked through it. All fairness to you.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- You know, sometimes it takes the bigger bloke...- We adopted her.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24She was in an orphanage in Ghana.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Beats coming back with a snow globe!
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Not that you'd...
0:17:30 > 0:17:31get a snow globe in Africa.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37What have you got on that chicken, eh?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I say, I say, I...
0:17:42 > 0:17:43I say.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Amazing wildlife round here.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Yeah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51It's a pigeon.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I took a bit of a stroll this afternoon with the old bins.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Oh, right?- Caught sight of a red squirrel, actually.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59You saw a red squirrel?!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03We've been here two years and I still haven't seen one.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Where was it?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Just over the way there. By the trees.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Really? So close?- Yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Hell of a creature, the red squirrel.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17AKA Sciurus vulgaris, of course.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19It's omnivorous, I imagine.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22And arboreal.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Growing to about 21 centimetres in length.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31So, Penny,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33what do you miss most about Ibiza?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37It's hard to say. The climate, the pool boy.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39The recreational drugs.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Dad, what are recreational...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Just be quiet and eat your grillsteak.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45This is more my style.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46A bit less racy!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48That's what the Gestapo said.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52It just became too far to travel.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You know, you've got to book the flights, then you've got to get from
0:18:54 > 0:18:57the airport to the villa and if we ever wanted to go out of season,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59there were no direct flights. You know, it just...
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- It all just became a bit of a faff. - He wanted me to "turn it down".
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I don't know what all the fuss was about.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I only went out four, five nights a week.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Wow!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13If I get out once a month with my sister, I've done well!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16And now we're halfway up a mountain in the rain capital of England!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Still drink sangria, though! Can I tempt you, Neil?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21- No. Thank you.- Oh.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Last time I drank sangria,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I seized control of a charter boat and set a course for Tangiers.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Ha-ha-ha!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Your dad's funny.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Oh, no, he's not joking.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Still, at least I've got my hot tub.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Yes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Yeah, that was the deal-breaker.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Oh, listen, if you guys ever want to use it, please feel...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49..to, erm...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Wonderful thing you did, adopting.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58And not just from around the corner. They did a Madonna.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I could never figure out, you know,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03when she could actually have kids herself.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I mean, maybe you can, I...
0:20:06 > 0:20:07I don't know.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Probably not my place to ask.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Well, of course it is!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17If I can't discuss my reproductive health at a barbecue
0:20:17 > 0:20:19with total strangers, when can I?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Mmm.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Still, look on the bright side.
0:20:26 > 0:20:2827 hours in labour, she was.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- Neil...- It's his fault.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32He didn't want to join us.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34They had the serving spoons out and everything.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Whereas this one, more like the big bowl slide at Waterworld!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Whoosh!- Neil!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48It's the atmospherics round here.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49POP, THEY CHEER
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Must be a blind spot.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52What are you going to do about it?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56What can I do? Move Scafell Pike six inches to the left?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Well, it depends.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01How far did you move it for the Dillons?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Has my cheque cleared yet?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Yesterday morning.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10She's all yours.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12How would I go about selling a place like this?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Ha-ha-ha! Good luck with that!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Five and a half years this old shack was on the market.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Not so much as a sniff until you phoned.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Oh, oh, oh...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Oh.- What?- Oh.- What?- Oh, oh...
0:21:27 > 0:21:28No.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32# Ramble on
0:21:32 > 0:21:36# And now's the time, the time is now, to sing my song... #
0:21:37 > 0:21:39THEY GIGGLE
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Hurray!
0:21:43 > 0:21:44There.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45There.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48No, don't...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54My pony would have been 36 tomorrow.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Binky.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Binky?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02We were North Surrey Junior Dressage champions
0:22:02 > 0:22:03three years on the trot.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07My bedroom wall was a sea of rosettes.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09I wish I'd kept them.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Can I tell you something I've never told a single other person?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Not even Fiona?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21You can tell me anything.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I wish Buzz Aldrin had been first off that ladder.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I don't like the name Neil.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It always feels more like a command.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34So you wish you were called Buzz?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Think about it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Where's Buzz?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Buzz went over here. Buzz, your...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44..quarterly figures were outstanding.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I could call you Buzz.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Would you do that? - For you, Buzz...
0:22:55 > 0:22:56..anything.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Oh, I love this song!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06# Desperado...
0:23:07 > 0:23:12# Why don't you come to your senses?
0:23:12 > 0:23:19# Been out riding fences for so long now...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23BOTH: # Oh, you're a hard one!
0:23:24 > 0:23:28# I know that you got your reasons
0:23:28 > 0:23:32# These things that are pleasin' you
0:23:32 > 0:23:35# Can hurt you somehow
0:23:35 > 0:23:37THEY LAUGH
0:23:38 > 0:23:42# Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46# She'll beat you if she's able
0:23:46 > 0:23:52# You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
0:23:53 > 0:23:57# Now it seems to me, some fine things
0:23:57 > 0:24:01# Have been laid upon your table
0:24:01 > 0:24:02ALL LAUGH
0:24:02 > 0:24:07# But you only want the ones that you can't get
0:24:07 > 0:24:12# Desperado
0:24:12 > 0:24:16# Oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
0:24:17 > 0:24:21# And freedom, oh, freedom...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25RETCHES
0:24:29 > 0:24:31RETCHES VIOLENTLY
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Tangiers!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It was a dream.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03It was a dream.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04It was a dream!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07What on earth have you got to celebrate?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11This god-awful nightmare, that barbecue last night,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I threw up in the...
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Hot tub?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Did it really happen?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20It always really happens.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Did you manage to get it all out?
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Most of it.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Yes!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36It's perfect!
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Whoa!
0:25:58 > 0:25:59This is the life, isn't it?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Should've been.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08# I'm going up the country, baby, don't you wanna go?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13# I'm going up the country, baby, don't you wanna go?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19# I'm going to some place where I've never been before
0:26:21 > 0:26:25# I'm going, I'm going where the water tastes like wine
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# I'm going where the water tastes like wine... #