0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07In the referendum campaign, I said I want my country back.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10What I'm saying today is I want my life back.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12And it begins right now. Thank you.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14What will you do next, Nigel?
0:00:14 > 0:00:18I'm looking forward to spending some more time at home with my family.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Although I do need to quickly pop back to the office.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23The real office. The pub.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24HE CHUCKLES
0:00:25 > 0:00:27My office is the pub. Come on.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- JOURNALISTS:- Nigel! Nigel!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Yeah. Come through.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Mind your step, mind your step.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I think that went rather well, don't you?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I think it was really good. Yeah.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Something to eat? Or have you got to rush off?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Hello.- Hello. Lovely to be back.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Thank you very much.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Yeah, have a good day. My pleasure. Thank you very much.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Thank you for voting. Thank you very much.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01HE CHUCKLES
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Pint of Crusader to kick off with, please, Colin.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Half a litre of the commotion lotion coming right up.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Litre! He's always winding me up, Colin.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11But he's a proper landlord.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- Ukip. Decent bloke. - Welcome back, Nigel.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Oh, and this one's on the house, to say thank you.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20No, no, Colin. I want to pay for this one.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And I'll tell you for why. I need to apologise.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Now that I've left politics,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Nigel Farage's local is not going to be full of Westminster journalists ordering tonic water.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I hope your cash register can forgive me,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34but rest assured I'll do what I can to make up for it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Be nice now. You can let your guard down.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38My guard was never up, Colin.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41When they built Nigel Farage, they forgot to put a guard in.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Not everybody likes it, but evidently some people do.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Approximately 17.5 million of them.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52It's great to have you back, Nige.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53What are you going to do now?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57What, immediately? Well, I've got a bloody meeting with a chap outside.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Line me up an Agincourt. But don't worry, the meeting's not for work.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03The meeting's with a Mr Rothman's.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05HE CHUCKLES
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Cheers.- Cheers.- Hello, Tony.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11So, what will I do now?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Allow me to just check the old Blackberry.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15HE CHUCKLES
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Sweet Fanny Adams for the time being.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19HE CHUCKLES
0:02:19 > 0:02:20And do you know...? No...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It's the most bloody wonderful feeling.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I mean, what's the point in getting your country back
0:02:25 > 0:02:28if you can't enjoy it? It's...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Excuse me.- Oh... The dreaded selfie.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32No problem at all. Let me just hide my cigarette.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- I just meant excuse me.- Oh, right.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35- You got it?- Cheers.- Great.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Morning, all!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47The drawbridge to Chateau Farage.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Hold on.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Did have my...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59No.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01HE RINGS DOORBELL
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Of course. She's not here.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Mrs F's decided to go from part-time to full-time in the City.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I'm giving away my secrets here, aren't I?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13HE SNIGGERS
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Wait here. Wait here. Wait there.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23HE GROANS
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Oh, for God's sake.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28HE GRUNTS
0:03:28 > 0:03:29CRASHING
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Oh, God.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh!
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Jesus.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47OK, come through, come through. Watch your step.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Come through.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52It's the living room.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Dining room. Now, watch your step, watch your step there.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01This is my real office.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Which also doubles up as my man cave.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04HE SNIGGERS
0:04:04 > 0:04:08It's the only workplace in Britain were smoking is not only permitted,
0:04:08 > 0:04:09it's bloody well compulsory.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17HE LAUGHS
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I don't know...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Come round, look.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Look.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Boo!
0:04:30 > 0:04:31HE LAUGHS
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Still working, that's good.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03What have we got here?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08This is me and my old senior adviser, Raheem Kassam.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11He is a great mind, Raheem.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Ah, the pickle kippers. The Ukip cricket team.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Do you know, they wouldn't let us play in the Parliamentary league
0:05:25 > 0:05:26because we didn't have any MPs.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Yet another example of the establishment
0:05:29 > 0:05:31keeping out the little guy.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Yeah. Now that I've got a bit of time to myself,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37it's a chance to get the old village team up and running again.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I've beaten Brussels, but now I fancy a stiffer challenge.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Pitching our little village team against the giants of Orpington's first XI.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45HE LAUGHS
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Someone who knows these slippery buggers has to make sure
0:05:52 > 0:05:55that Brexit really does mean Brexit.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58You might think that Eurocrats take the biscuit.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00In my experience,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03they take the entire Huntley and Palmers luxury tea-time selection.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09But seriously, I've given my life to the service of this country.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I have not and will never turn my back on it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16And as and when the call comes from some Whitehall mandarin,
0:06:16 > 0:06:17I will hear them out.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19PHONE RINGS
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Farage.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Well, who would I be working with?
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Natalie? Well, I'm led to believe she's very experienced.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32But I don't think Strictly Come Dancing is for me.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35That is, unless, of course, you fancy popping a cheeky zero on the end of that fee.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41No, I don't think Strictly Come Dancing is for me.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh, is he indeed?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Well, you tell Mr Balls he's just lost your programme one viewer.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49All right. Cheerio.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I mean, Ed Balls might have nothing to do these days,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58but realistically, I'm just not going to have the time.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Absolutely. I promise.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Yeah.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Hand on heart.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15OK. Bye, darling.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17That the missus? Got your orders then?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20She's made me promise categorically that I won't be home until at least ten.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Has she got a book group this evening?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24No.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Well, I for one am very happy to be seeing so much more of you.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Ukip were bonkers to get rid of you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Point of order, Colin. Nobody got rid of me.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I resigned to get my life back.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41You can always un-resign, like you did last time.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Is it me or it is the Task Force a bit lively tonight?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Maybe change the barrel. - Yeah, I'll check the pipes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56# Meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you. #
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- WINDSOR DAVIES:- Why do they have to do everything dressed up as tarts for?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02FARAGE LAUGHS
0:08:02 > 0:08:06..For a professional soldier like me to be in charge of this bunch of poofs.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13They simply wouldn't let you say that nowadays.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Oh, look.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34This is almost the last thing I ever saw.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Part of the wing of a PZL Wilga utility aircraft,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40which went up-diddly-up just fine,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43but down-diddly-down a little bit more vertically than I would have preferred.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Fortunately, the plane came out a little bit worse off than I did.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Punctured lung, one.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Fractured vertebrae, two.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Broken ribs, however many ribs I've got.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58But I was alive. And I had a moment of absolute clarity.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I knew what I needed to do.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Have a bloody cigarette.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04HE SNIGGERS
0:09:04 > 0:09:09After a couple of drags, I remembered I was absolutely drenched in aviation fuel.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It's the one and only time in my entire life where I thought, "Yes,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"maybe smoking this cigarette IS bad for my health."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18HE SNIGGERS
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Need to frame that.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Nearest seller of linseed oil - 34 miles.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40And not from the sports shop.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45It's now categorised as a health food for the princely sum of £18.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- And 5p.- You're Nigel Farage.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I wish I could vote for you as Prime Minister.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52You're a decent man.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Well, if you say so. I'm not going to argue with you.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59But I am rather enjoying having a bit of time to myself.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I voted Leave, Nigel, and I bet you'd make sure they did leave.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You'd get the Army to put them on boats, but I'd start with...
0:10:06 > 0:10:07No, no, no, no.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Let's just be clear. The Leave campaign wasn't about that.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It was about taking back control.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- You see...- I know what you mean, Nigel.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Yes, I know you're in a meeting, dear.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Yes, it IS important.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Have you been doing my jigsaw?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It's just, I don't remember doing all these trees.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33I don't know.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Two bottles?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Point taken. What time will you be back?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Fine.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Well, I guess I'll just get Colin to rustle me up a pie...
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Simpson's Tavern. London's oldest surviving chop house.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02In my stockbroking days,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05we'd arrive at work every morning and work bloody hard right up until
0:11:05 > 0:11:08the stroke of 12, when it was time for a PFL.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09A proper fucking lunch.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11HE LAUGHS
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Come in.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20- Hello.- Afternoon.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22And what's the name, please?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Farage.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's just there. Yeah.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's OK, I can see it. Thank you.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30- Nigel.- Hello.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- How are you?- Very good, very good.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Something to drink?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38As questions go, that's a little bit like enquiring after the religious affiliation of
0:11:38 > 0:11:41the man with the pointy hat who works at the Vatican.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42HE CHUCKLES
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I'll have a G&T, large G&T, please.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Sparkling water, please.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50You don't have to say that because they're here.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51I know.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Good, good, good. Good, good, good.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58That was the same week that Godfrey, thumb in bum, brain in neutral,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01went and got himself caught on tape saying "Bongo Bongo Land".
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I mean, not the kind of words you would want to read in the headlines.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07But I've always said that Bongo Bongo Land would make
0:12:07 > 0:12:09a marvellous name for a lap-dancing club.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10HE LAUGHS
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Goodness me, you're quiet, aren't you?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15So, come on, what's the gossip?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Who are the monkeys going to choose as their new organ grinder?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Actually, Nigel,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I was just hoping that you'd managed to sign over those last few
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- bits and bobs for the NEC. - Yes, yes, I have, I have.
0:12:25 > 0:12:31And as a gift, I've bound them in some genuine Brussels red tape.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33HE CHUCKLES
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Excuse me, poppet. We'll share a stewed cheese to start.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Trust me. And I'll have the Edwardian chump chop, well done,
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- with a sausage.- I'll have the roasted field mushrooms, please.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Field mushrooms? When did you start serving field mushrooms?
0:12:49 > 0:12:50You're not a bloody vegetarian, are you?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I mean, it's fine if you are.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53No, I just like the look of the mushrooms.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Mind officially blown.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58HE CHUCKLES
0:13:00 > 0:13:03And a bottle of Chateau de Lugagnac, please.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Yes, that sounds fine.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Oh, she does drink then?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Better make it two. HE CHUCKLES
0:13:11 > 0:13:12A car crash couldn't beat me.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14A plane crash couldn't beat me.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Bloody cancer couldn't beat me.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18And the nastiest thing of all, Robert Kilroy-Silk,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20couldn't beat me.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I'll tell you how you deal with someone like Kilroy-Silk...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Actually, Nigel, I've got a 2.30, so...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Who the bloody hell books an appointment after lunch?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's with the new digital comms guys.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33What?!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Thank you.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Well, it was great to see you, Nigel.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Yes, you too.- Thanks for these, and we'll do it again soon.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Absolutely.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52< Farage, you're a legend!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Thank you.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55< Prick!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Let me save you a bit of time. We don't have any pets,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03which I would have thought is something of a requirement
0:14:03 > 0:14:05for involvement in Celebrity Pet Boot Camp.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07No, no.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I do not want to be teamed up with a bulldog.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Well, that is, unless, of course, you fancy popping a cheeky zero on the end of that fee. You don't?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Right, listen, Tom, I've turned down big shows.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Strictly, the Bake Off, the jungle one where they eat balls, so I don't...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Oh, it's a big show, is it?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Well, well,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I don't think you can put the word celebrity in the title of your
0:14:29 > 0:14:32programme, because given the list of names you faxed me,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35the only one I've ever heard of is Eddie Large.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36And as far as I know,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38he hasn't been on television for over a quarter of a century.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Apology accepted.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43All right.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Cheerio, Tom.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I mean, they're not going to get anyone decent on that show.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Not for that money. I mean,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54what sort of a name is Plan B?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I'll start with a pint of Goose Green, please, Colin.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Sorry, mate, do I know you?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Very amusing. You've noticed the old soup strainer.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Will Mildred be joining you tonight, George?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16It's actually a dry run for a little thing called Movember.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I'm sure, given my personal history, Colin,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21you can understand why a testicular cancer charity have asked me
0:15:21 > 0:15:23to show my support.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Sorry, Nige, not a time for banter.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Apology accepted.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31- Goose Green?- Yeah.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Did you come here in your helicopter?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Thought Magnum PI had walked into my little shop.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Hawaii is a long way away.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Cancer.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And I've got a poster I was hoping you might...
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Of course, Nigel. You can put it in the window.- Thank you.- Is it one of your racist ones?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59No, Pat. It's for a new cricket team.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I know what you're talking about.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02That poster wasn't racist either.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It was simply drawing attention to the fact...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Nigel, it's fine. I'll get you some Blu-Tack.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Thank you.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18What is racism anyway?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09You expect this from the BBC and Fleet Street,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12but I never thought I'd see it in the North King Chronicle.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15It doesn't bother me. It's tomorrow's chip paper.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16But people read this.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18And all they remember, yet again,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21is the word Farage next to the words race row.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23It's all bloody lefties, isn't it, Nige?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And nobody spoke to me about it or indeed anyone else from the cricket team.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28You know, in my conversations with Waheed,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I never once mentioned the colour of his skin.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I simply said that part of the point of the bloody game was having a few
0:17:34 > 0:17:38pints afterwards, that it was a shame that his faith prevented him from joining us.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Absolutely nothing to do with race.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Just ask Chaturanga, he was there.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45You know, and as for this John Dennis,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I mean, he just signed up on the church notice board.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49I don't know him from Adam.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51How was I supposed to know he was in the bloody BNP?
0:17:51 > 0:17:52You can't win, Nige.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Another pint of White Cliffs?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Put another half in there.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57You know, in the 2010 election,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01we even stated in all of our literature, Ukip is a non-racist political party.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02- Non.- Non.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And even that didn't draw a line under it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08You know, I mean, they poke around until they dredge up some Ukip campaigner
0:18:08 > 0:18:11from Rochester who has been photographed with a Britain First candidate.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- I thought he was in the English Defence League.- That was in Uxbridge.- Are you sure?
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- Wasn't Uxbridge the National Front guy?- Thanet South.- No, I'm thinking of the BNP thing in Aldershot.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22And then they claim Ukip is a movement built from the support of
0:18:22 > 0:18:26the extreme right. But I'm proud of the fact that Ukip has reached out
0:18:26 > 0:18:30to the people on the fringes of explicitly racist politics and welcomed them into a party
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- which couldn't have made it any clearer we are non-racist.- Non.- Non.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51PHONE RINGS
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Farage.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Really? Sorry, one moment, please.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Sorry, could you close the door, please?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Yeah. Thank you.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Sorry about that. Yes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Erm...
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Tomorrow?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Erm...
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Well, I think I could.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I could move some things around.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Absolutely.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Well, how exciting.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28OK.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31OK. Thank you very much.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Goodbye.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Right.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Don't ask. I can't tell you who that was.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Well, I'd better go and pack.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48OK.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- DONALD TRUMP:- Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Nigel Farage.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56CROWD CHEERS
0:19:58 > 0:20:01'And remember, anything is possible if enough decent people
0:20:01 > 0:20:05'are prepared to stand up against the establishment.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07'Thank you very much indeed.'
0:20:07 > 0:20:09CROWD CHEERS
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Morning!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Or should I say "Howdy"?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23HE CHUCKLES
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Did you miss me?
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Now, obviously I'm not claiming that Nigel Farage is going to tip
0:20:32 > 0:20:35the balance of the US presidential election, but...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38yeah, if I've done anything to keep another neoliberal out of
0:20:38 > 0:20:41the White House then it was worth flying across the pond for.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- How long is the fight? - It's about 12.5 hours, but...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Trump's people flew me first class.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Same as when we went on our holidays to the Grand Canyon.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Played havoc with Maureen's back.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Yeah, well, I wasn't on holiday, Colin.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I actually did a couple of broadcast interviews. One for Fox, one...
0:20:56 > 0:21:00We go to New England now. We've got a kind of time-share in Vermont.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Maureen loves the crab.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Can I have a couple of packets of pork scratchings, please, Colin,
0:21:08 > 0:21:09and another pint of Magna Carta?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Free with a bottle of Kentucky rye at the airport.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Just a bit of fun.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Oh, you'll love this.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Do you remember the delicious trouble
0:21:21 > 0:21:22I got into with Van Rompuy?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Well, they turned it into a tea towel.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28HE CHUCKLES
0:21:29 > 0:21:31And it made the party a lot of money.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Very popular. Yeah.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Rubbish as a tea towel, though. The ink inhibits the absorbency.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Traditional stewed cheese.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Right, what do we need? "Ye yolk of an egg."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47OK. Eggs, eggs, eggs.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh, come on, where are you, eggs?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Come on. Eggs, eggs.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01No, no, no, no, definitely not.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04No, condiments.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Erm...
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Jugs. No.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11No. No. No. No.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Maybe, maybe we don't have any eggs.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh, fridge, fridge. Fridge.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Eggs.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23"Melt ye lump of butter on the bottom of a pewter plate."
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Well, I think a simple frying pan will have to suffice.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31One lump, so it's roughly a lump.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Cheese.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"And stew it on a chafing dish of coals."
0:22:40 > 0:22:41HE CHUCKLES
0:22:41 > 0:22:45That might be a little bit too traditional, even for Nigel Farage.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48HE CHUCKLES
0:22:48 > 0:22:49OK.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Perfect. Oh, shit.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I've burnt it, I've burnt the butter. It's burnt.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58OK, yeah, crisis averted.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01For the time being. Here we go.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Round two.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05SMOKE ALARM BEEPING
0:23:08 > 0:23:11This is why I turned down Celebrity MasterChef.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Now, I wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Wallace, I'm sure I'd rub along well with,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18but I do have my doubts about Torode.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26S-T-E-W-E-D cheese.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30English not the first language.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Well, yes, there IS such a thing.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35And you CAN get it, because I've had it for lunch many times
0:23:35 > 0:23:37in a London chop house.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Apology accepted.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41I want a proper meal.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Lamb cutlets? New potatoes?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Great. Yes, the name's Nigel Foster.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Just to be on the safe side.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55There's a lot of loonies out there.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57DOORBELL RINGS
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Lamb cutlets, new potatoes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Thank you. Thank you.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06What's your name?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Kazimierz, or Kaz is easier to say.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Well, thank you, Kazimierz, and here's something for you.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Thank you. Thank you. - How did you get here?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Was it A223, or...?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Yeah.- OK, great, great.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- What part of Poland are you from? - From the city of Lublin.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Ah, Lublin, spent three nights there in 1998.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Absolutely breathtaking architecture.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- See you later. - Do you have any family here?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I have wife. She's nurse.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Good, good, one of the good ones.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Hardest bloody job in the world.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Thank you, Mr Foster, Bye.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52You're very welcome. Hope you stay busy.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58See?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01'We are going to show you the names of five battles of the English Civil War,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04'but we have removed alternate letters. Can you fill in the gaps, please?'
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- It's Naseby.- 'Well, it's not Hastings cos of the B...'
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- It's Naseby.- 'Worth having a guess.'
0:25:11 > 0:25:13It's bloody Naseby! Oh, for crying out loud.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16'I think we'll pass.'
0:25:17 > 0:25:20'Other names you could have said, Leanne Wood,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23'Natalie Bennett and of course Nigel Farage.'
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Never quite sure it's "Nigel Farage" or "Nigel Farridge".
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Farage, Richard.- I guess we don't need to know now.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Fuck you, Osman.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35I delivered the biggest political revolution in modern history.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36What have you ever done?
0:25:36 > 0:25:41You just sit there with your laptop, you big...tree.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47F-A-R-A-G-E.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Yes, he does. No, in fact, Mr Trump said I could call him at any time.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Yes, I CAN hold for the next President of the United States.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00OK, poppet.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Yes, I'm still here.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06No apology necessary.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Thank you, Colin.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Listen, Nige, the fete on Saturday.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Jan Leeming's double-booked...
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Ssh! No, I'm still here.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Sorry, Nige, do you mind?- Yep.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Are you still there, miss?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32No, no, I'll call back tomorrow.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Yep, same time.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36You have a nice day, too.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Bye.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- I'll just get my charger.- Of course.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- Do you want me to get you a cab? - No, no, I could do with a walk.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11So, I said, "You're a liar and a thief and a petty, self-serving bureaucrat.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14"And everybody here knows it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"The whole system simply doesn't work.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"You go away, check your facts, the time on the card says 10:53.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"I know for a fact that I was in at the time.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"The sign at the front door clearly says ring both doorbells.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30"Now, if you hand over my history of the Battle of Verdun, we'll say no more about it."
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Is it a good read, Nige?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Oh, well, I don't know, Colin.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Because, and you'll love this,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39apparently, a British passport is not sufficient proof
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- that the package is for me. - Jobsworths.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45That's when I called him a lobotomised wombat.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49And that is when the defecation really hit the ventilation.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50THEY LAUGH
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Because you'll be waiting a very long time for Nigel Farage to apologise
0:27:54 > 0:27:57for speaking the truth. Case in point, immigrants with HIV.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- You see...- You're not wrong there, Nige.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Yeah, immigrants with HIV, and I WILL talk about immigrants with HIV,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- because it's a simple fact. - I hear you, Nige,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07but maybe let's save those facts for later.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Fair enough. It's your pub.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15It was the same in my book.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18When I said the European Commission was like a date rapist,
0:28:18 > 0:28:20the editor said, "Don't say rapist."
0:28:20 > 0:28:22The proof-reader said, "Don't say rapist".
0:28:22 > 0:28:25My literary agent said, "Nigel, please, don't say rapist."
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Nigel, it's seven o'clock.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30It was just a metaphor.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32No matter how many times you say no,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Europe simply won't take no for an answer.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- Just like a rapist. - It's family steak night.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Sure.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- TV:- ..Said it was a miracle that no-one was killed.- Here it comes.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49The attack came amid reports of hate crimes having increased by 57% since
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- the referendum.- "Since the referendum." Yeah, thank you,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Biased Broadcasting Corporation.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57And are you going to explain to the payers of the television tax
0:28:57 > 0:29:00that hate crime now include wolf whistling?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Thought not.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04Wolf whistling.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I don't report every hate crime that I've been a victim of,
0:29:08 > 0:29:12because quite frankly, there aren't enough hours in the day.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14And you know all the names I've been called, Colin.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17The C word, the B word, the other C word, the W word.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21- That weather girl, she said you looked like a...- Frog with foetal alcohol syndrome.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Yes, Colin. She did say that.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25And I think that's a pretty hateful thing to say.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28You know, and I'm constantly trolled online.
0:29:28 > 0:29:33You know, vile, vile pictures of me with dogs, cows...
0:29:33 > 0:29:34I saw one with a horse.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Yeah, all Photoshopped, I'd like to add.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39You know, and some of these pictures are very convincing.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41These people are talented as well as sick.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44I mean, if they put half that effort into doing something creative,
0:29:44 > 0:29:46then the country would be in a much stronger position.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49It's kids, innit? God help us if there's a war.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53A woman threw a tampon at me once.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00HE SIGHS
0:30:09 > 0:30:10No.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12No. No.
0:30:12 > 0:30:13No.
0:30:15 > 0:30:16Where is it?
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Fucking hell! What's the bloody point?
0:30:29 > 0:30:33Do you know what? Once people start plotting and whispering,
0:30:33 > 0:30:37then pretty soon the whole thing falls apart, because no-one,
0:30:37 > 0:30:41not even me, can keep all these factions happy all of the time.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44You know, somebody has to make decisions.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46That's what leadership is.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49I had to choose who opened the batting, I had to choose who opened the bowling.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51And it was my judgment that the person best suited
0:30:51 > 0:30:55to do both of those things was me. And I stand by it.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01And as for these complaints,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04you would have thought of all of the teams,
0:31:04 > 0:31:07RAF Biggin Hill could handle a bit of sledging.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09I'll repeat what I said to the umpire.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10It was just a fucking joke!
0:31:13 > 0:31:14Chaturanga laughed.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17For Christ's sake!
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Come on, Nige, we won.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Can I get you another fucking lime, Waheed?
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Can you turn that thing off for five minutes?
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Some privacy.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Right, well, I've said my piece.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Now it's time to move forward.
0:31:38 > 0:31:43So, Woodsy, you're absent with leave on Saturday for a stag do.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46And Paul. And Crispy. And Slonker.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50Sorry, is anybody not going to this bloody stag do on Saturday?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Er, Waheed.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56Right.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Well, I'm just going to phone Sevenoaks and tell them the game's off.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04Great.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07You do know this is fucking beneath me, don't you?
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I don't need to be doing this.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Hmm?
0:32:13 > 0:32:16You know, I've had enough.
0:32:16 > 0:32:21When I said I want my country back, my life back, I didn't mean this.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26I brought down the establishment and this is the thanks I get.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Collecting subs money and oiling the mower?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Do you know who said it was an honour to introduce me?
0:32:32 > 0:32:33Do you know? Do you know?
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Donald Trump.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Donald Trump wouldn't second-guess my field settings.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44You know what? I quit.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49And if anyone wants to stand up here and take over as captain,
0:32:49 > 0:32:52I've got three words of advice for you.
0:32:52 > 0:32:53Go fuck yourself.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58Sorry, I'm afraid the toad-in-the-hole's off.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Oh, turn that off!
0:33:16 > 0:33:18So, here I am again.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20I did say I'd get my life back.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Turns out it was more of a summer holiday.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Nigel Farage, leader by default.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28What could possibly go wrong?
0:33:30 > 0:33:34APPLAUSE
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Did you enjoy your time off, Nigel?
0:33:43 > 0:33:47If I'm honest, this summer was the happiest time of my life.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49But are you glad to be back, Nigel?
0:33:56 > 0:33:59The box clearly read 2,000 pieces.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Well, I've counted them and there are 1,999.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Yes. Right next to her backside.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Well, when he comes out of his meeting,
0:34:09 > 0:34:12would you tell Mr Osman that this is the third time I've called
0:34:12 > 0:34:15and if I don't hear back from him, he'll be hearing from Ofcom?
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Well, of course they're trying to bloody rig it, Donald.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21But listen, if it doesn't work out, here's my thought.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Trump News. And, well, I've got an idea
0:34:23 > 0:34:26for a rather provocative English commentator. His name is...