0:00:00 > 0:00:01LAUGHTER
0:00:06 > 0:00:08MATRIMONIAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Ah, true love -
0:00:09 > 0:00:12is there anything more intoxicating?
0:00:12 > 0:00:17So, how do we go from vowing to spend the rest of our lives together
0:00:17 > 0:00:18to this?
0:00:18 > 0:00:22THEY SHOUT AND SNARL UNINTELLIGIBLY
0:00:25 > 0:00:28What makes us fantasise about doing
0:00:28 > 0:00:34the most horrific things to the ones we once pledged our undying love?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Terrible, awful things.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40There. Five foot, ten inches.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Keep digging.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45As usual, I have to do everything myself...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47GUNSHOT
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Evil, wicked, nasty things.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54What could motivate such diabolical thoughts?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59SHE CACKLES MALEVOLENTLY
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Jack and Hillary are former soul mates who have decided to
0:01:02 > 0:01:04consciously uncouple.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06He used to be a romantic.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07He'd bring me tea in bed, buy me flowers.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Do you remember the time you filled the bath with champagne?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12You did it once and never did it again!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14That bath cost me ?4,000.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I'm a developer, not Dr fucking Dre.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18You just stopped trying to woo me, Jack.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I need to be wooed. I wooed the shit out of you, Hillary,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23but that was then. Now we've got kids and bills to pay.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27"Oh, hello, The Bank. Yes, I realise I haven't paid my mortgage,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29"it's just my wife needed to sit naked in a tub of Cristal."
0:01:29 > 0:01:31He spent more time at work than he did with me.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33That's because she had to have the best of everything.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38Do you have a Japanese toilet that plays Mozart and says, "Konichiwa!"? We do. You let our love die, Jack.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I was lonely. How could you be lonely?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43You were too busy fucking a client I'd built a house for.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45He paid attention to me. Plus he had a private jet.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49What was I supposed to say? No? How about, "I already have a husband"?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Have you ever seen the inside of a private jet? It would turn anyone's head.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55You want your head turning, Hillary? I can turn your head for you.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You just try! It was one measly eight-month indiscretion. Let it go!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01One? What about our dentist? What about Max's clarinet teacher?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I've been diagnosed with sexual addiction, it's a disease,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I suffer in silence. That's because your mouth is always full of dick!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I hereby grant the motion to dissolve the marriage of
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Jack and Hillary Taylor, effective immediately.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14If not sooner.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Maybe I could've bought you flowers once in a while.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And I could've said thank you for working so hard
0:02:22 > 0:02:24instead of resenting you for it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27All done, darling? Car's out front.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Seriously? You brought a date to our divorce?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I can't wallow in sadness forever, I've got a life to live.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Not if I've got any say in the matter.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38You want a piece of this? Why not? Everybody else has!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41JUDGE HAMMERS GAVEL REPEATEDLY
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Get them out of my court!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47But times moves on, and people do, too...
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Sarah...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Will you marry me?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Yes, yes.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57..in their own way.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:03:09 > 0:03:11You grab this, Dad.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Why the hell would someone keep books they didn't like?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Because somebody still worked hard writing them, George.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's just as difficult to write a bad book as a good one.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That sounds like something a bad writer would say.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Hey, Max, your drama club is doing Billy Elliott?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's so cool!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I'll be there.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41What? Oh... You don't have to go to that rubbish.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I want to go to that rubbish.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Have you ever been to a school play? They are boring.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Back me up, Max. Yeah, they're pretty awful.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And I've got a really small part. I'm a disillusioned coalminer.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I saw a rehearsal.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I was rooting for the mine to cave in.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59What is going on? Are you embarrassed to have me there?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Is it because I'm American?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03No, no! I really like you...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06in spite of that. Sarah's a big girl.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Just tell her the truth.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Mum's going to be there.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Oh. OK. Great. So, we can finally meet.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22What?! Mum and Dad are like a honey badger and a cobra.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Individually, they're awesome,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27but you wouldn't want to sit between them at a school play.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29But your mum and I both love you very much, that's what counts.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Have some money. You don't have to buy our love, Dad.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Ssh. It makes him feel good.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Jack, I respected your wish to keep things low-key with Hillary
0:04:39 > 0:04:41while we were dating, but now...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43we're engaged.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44You know, we're going to be a family.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Your kids are my kids.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Your ex-wife...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50is my ex-wife. Brilliant.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Your ex-wife has a maintenance payment due tomorrow. Don't be late.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Dad, would you mind dropping the kids off with their mother?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00With pleasure. But no insults, name-calling or stone-throwing.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01There goes the pleasure.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10I mean, how did you think life was going to work if Hillary and I
0:05:10 > 0:05:12could never be in the same room?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I mean, what about graduations or weddings?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Didn't you think any of this through?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Do I look like a man who thinks things through?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Look...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Please don't take this the wrong way, but...
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Hillary's going to hate your guts.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31No, she won't. This might sound conceited, but...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Everyone loves me. Everyone?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Really? Yeah. Friends, strangers, my patients.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You're a vet.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Your patients love chewing shoes and urinating in public.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44They're not picky. I'm serious.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I have never had an enemy in my life.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Oh, no, I take that back.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50There was a girl in middle school who just punched me
0:05:50 > 0:05:53in the stomach once for no reason, but I won her over by
0:05:53 > 0:05:55complimenting her upper body strength,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59and we are friends to this day.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Why?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I don't know.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Hillary hates everything I love.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08The best thing just to steer clear.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11We have this system that's worked perfectly for five years
0:06:11 > 0:06:13and I don't want to mess it up.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15We never go to each other's houses,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18we meet in a public place where I transfer the money...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21..she releases the kids.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25She calls me a cheap bastard, I tell her to rot in Hell,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28we wave goodbye and then we go our separate ways.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31It doesn't have to be that way.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33A lot of people have amicable divorces.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36That's not normal. I'm normal.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39A proper divorce is built on a solid foundation of hate.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Hate? The reason people get divorced in the first place.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45The reason why they've paid lawyers to break their promise to God.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Hate. But you must realise it's in the best interest of the children
0:06:49 > 0:06:52if we all get along. No. I mustn't.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55And what about me? What about my best interests?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59I tell you what, you call Hillary and arrange a time for us to meet,
0:06:59 > 0:07:03and I'll do something in your best interest.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Interesting proposal. I mean a blowjob.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11So, did you do it yet?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14No. I was on my way to tell Hillary in person, but then I thought,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"Do I really want to look at a baboon's backside first thing in
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"the morning?" I'm going to call her instead.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Don't do it. Hillary's scared off everyone you've been out with.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I know you want to do what's right and fair,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25but you've got to fight that instinct.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Guess who?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Hey, darling.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Hi. How'd it go with Hillary? When are we meeting?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38'Should we do it in a pub? No, it's too casual.'
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Tea? God, who am I, the Queen?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Look, I feel awful for saying this, but...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46she doesn't want to meet you.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Why not?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Because she's a joyless bitch.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I'm really sorry.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54'It's OK. It's not your fault, you did your best.'
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I've just lied to the sweetest, most trusting woman in the world.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Good man. They're the easiest ones to lie to.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15SHE RINGS DOORBELL
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Hillary?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I know you didn't want to meet me, and I'm so sorry for being forward,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27but...I just thought I would come over and break the ice
0:08:27 > 0:08:30so you could see that I am a nice person...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34..and definitely not a threat of any kind.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I'm sorry, and you are?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Oh, Sarah.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Sarah Weston?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Jack's fiancee?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Jack's engaged?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50We've been dating for two years.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You didn't know?
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Oh, hi, Max.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Hi, Ava.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Oh... Oh.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04And we'll put this wall on gliders so you can move it,
0:09:04 > 0:09:05which will double your dining space.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Oh, how clever. I love it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10And we'd love to build your restaurant for you.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Taylor Custom Build is known for our dependability and integrity.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You lying, twat-faced prick!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Professional integrity, not personal.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20You got engaged without telling me!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Engaged, where did you hear that? You didn't tell Hillary about us?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26You want me to lock that door? A lot of angry women coming in.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Hillary didn't want to meet me, huh?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Hillary didn't even know that I existed!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33What's your name again, sweetheart? Sarah. Shut the fuck up, Sarah.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Don't be rude to her, you psychotic whore!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38You brought a complete stranger into our children's lives,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41and lied to me. Did you even run a CRB check on her?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43How do we even know her name's really Sarah?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46How do we know she doesn't have half a dozen husbands and stepchildren
0:09:46 > 0:09:48chopped up in her freezer?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51My freezer barely holds a pizza, let alone a dead family.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You're damn right I lied to you! I should be able to tell you the truth, but I can't.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58You know why not? Because you're crazy! This has got nothing to do with the kids,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00you just don't want to see me happy, admit it!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I readily admit it! You can't control who I see.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Background checks, credit checks, drug testing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You can't make people piss in a cup!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Forgive me, I'm just a crazy mum who doesn't want her kids getting
0:10:10 > 0:10:13ice cream with murderers, prostitutes and drug addicts!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Again, I've not been involved in any of those things,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18but if it will end the argument, then I'll piss in a cup.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20No! You will not piss for her!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Hillary, you have been a thorn in my cock ever since we got divorced!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Just let me finish what I have to say, Jack,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28and then you can have your say.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Fine. I hate you, you lying piece of shit,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34and I can't wait to dance on your grave!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Bye-bye. Uh...bye.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Hey, I didn't get my say! What were you going to say?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I was just going to call her a psychotic whore again.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44So, um...
0:10:44 > 0:10:49I'm going to look at some flooring samples and I will get back to you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Great. Yeah.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Shall we call you, or... you call us?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Don't be a stranger.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Now you know why I didn't want you two to meet.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00She's clearly insane.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03You're bringing a new person into her children's lives.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04You didn't think she had the right to know?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Wait, you're taking her side? I'm taking the side of respect,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10something you didn't show either one of us.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I wonder what your third wife will be like.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22I'm really sorry I lied!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I was just trying to protect you.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Oh, come on, I'm not used to silence.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31I mean, yell at me, throw something...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33You want to strangle me?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35What is wrong with you two?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37How can your emotions still be so...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40raw after five years?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43You know, I read an inspirational Facebook post that said,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Hate is just love turned inside-out."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49So, maybe you hate Hillary because, subconsciously,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51you still have feelings for her.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53No! No, I hate her and I want her dead!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58You're really not catching me on a good day here.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Look, Sarah, sometimes hate is just hate.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Hillary and I are never going to be amicably divorced. I've tried.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08You just called the mother of your children a psychotic whore.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Yes, you've done everything you can(!)
0:12:19 > 0:12:21HE RINGS DOORBELL
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What have I told you about touching my house? Go away.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Come on, Hillary, I need to talk to you.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33It's important.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Anything important you have to say can be said through the letterbox.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I'm here to invite you over to my house for Sunday lunch.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43SHE LAUGHS
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Oh, come on. I'm really...
0:12:46 > 0:12:47sorry.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Oh, my God, you must be desperate to come crawling to me for a favour.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Look, I made a mistake. I should have told you about Sarah.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00She's going to be very important in our kids' lives...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02No, no, she's not. They have one mother and they know who that is.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05She doesn't... She doesn't want to replace you, Hillary,
0:13:05 > 0:13:06she just wants to get to know you.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09You humiliated me in front of her and the kids, Jack.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I have every right to say no and slam this door in your face.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I know, I know. So, I'm going to. I...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19OK. I'm willing to pay.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21What's it going to cost me, hmm?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23100 quid? 200?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24DOOR OPENS
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Wow.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31This is important to you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Oh, put your chequebook away, I'll do it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Really? For one of those new 4k Ultra-HD TVs - the curved one.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I like things that curve.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40What? It'll go with my new Sonos system you're also going to buy me.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41No way. Oh, the door is closing...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43OK, OK, OK!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46But I have terms, too, you grasping shit.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48You'll be on time and smiling.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Have you got time to learn how to smile? You'll be nice to everyone and compliment Sarah's cooking,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54and if I so much as hear the phrase "premature ejaculator",
0:13:54 > 0:13:56the deal's off. Fine,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59but only because I'm a single mother who can't afford nice things.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Goodbye, Mrs Taylor. Oh, bye-bye, Anya.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06You've got a cleaner? Oh, it's only once a month.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08See you tomorrow.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Her English is bad.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11She means next month.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12SHE MOUTHS
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I've never made a York-shire pudding before.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Is this what they're supposed to look like?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24More or less. Thank you so much for arranging this.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I can't believe you pulled it off.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Oh, I just took your advice - apologised sincerely,
0:14:29 > 0:14:34and I used that thing you said about the best interests of the children. I told you it would work.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37You all right, Dad?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Oh, I was just thinking about your mum.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41She'll be looking down at us today,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44seeing the whole family together and saying,
0:14:44 > 0:14:48"Are you fucking insane, inviting that crazy bitch into your home?"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50That does sound like Mum.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I appreciate your sacrifice, George,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and I would really love to get through this lunch
0:14:56 > 0:14:59without any name-calling or cursing. Well...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01you might find me a tad quiet.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Thank you both for trying a new approach.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You're not giving Hillary a real knife?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09At least let me file it down first.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13AVA: Why are we suddenly having Sunday lunch as a family? Are you dying?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'm doing it because I'm a loving and forgiving human being
0:15:16 > 0:15:18and I'm trying to set a good example for you and Max.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23OK, ring the bell.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Wait.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28OK.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31AVA RINGS THE DOORBELL
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Hey, look who's here(!)
0:15:36 > 0:15:39AVA AND MAX: Yay!
0:15:39 > 0:15:40On time and smiling(!)
0:15:40 > 0:15:42CRACKING OF BONES
0:15:42 > 0:15:44AVA AND MAX: Yay!
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Come in, come in(!)
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Hi. Oh, thank you so much for coming.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I love your dress.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Thank you. And I love your...
0:15:59 > 0:16:00je ne sais quoi.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Thank you.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06George. Hillary.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I'm so sorry to hear that Emma passed away a couple of years ago.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I know she meant the world to you. Thank you for your concern.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14She always hated you.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Every night, I pray you get bum cancer.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Well, the place looks wonderful, Jack.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Are you being sincere or is this just for the TV?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27The TV. I've seen nicer sofas fly-tipped in a lay-by.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31We're so sorry we pretended not to know who you were
0:16:31 > 0:16:35when you came to our house, but we depend on our mum for food and such.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I understand. But after today, nobody will have to pretend.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41This will be a new beginning for everyone.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45She's sweet...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48but so naive. Yep.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Lunch is ready. Everyone take a seat.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Oh, I actually thought it would be nice if you and Jack
0:16:54 > 0:16:55sat next to each other.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12There.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I knew you could do it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I hope the food's OK. I'm still learning how to cook.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Nonsense, it all looks delicious.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Especially the stuff in the green bowl here.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Thank you, Hillary. So, Sarah...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28America?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Why'd you leave it?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Hillary... What?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I just want to know what brings her to our country.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It's OK. Um...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Well, this is embarrassing, but when I saw the movie Babe...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You know, the talking pig?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Talking pig? Jack, you were in a movie?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I'm kidding!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Isn't that what families do?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56FORCED LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Good one(!) Yeah, um...
0:17:59 > 0:18:05Anyway, I just fell in love with the English countryside, the animals,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08the way the farmer said,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11"That'll do, pig.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12That'll do."
0:18:12 > 0:18:14It just...
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Anyway, now here I am, working with animals in England.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I mean, it just goes to show that if you really want something,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24you can make it work.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Oh, Jack.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30She's so sweet, she makes my teeth hurt.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32You've hit the jackpot again.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Again? Oh, you?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Yeah(!) Now, Hillary,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I know that you have some understandable concerns about people
0:18:42 > 0:18:46who are involved with your kids, so I have put together a dossier.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49It has my birth certificate, driver's licence...
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Not necessary.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I just really want to prove to you that your kids aren't in the care of
0:18:53 > 0:18:56some degenerate. I was being over-protective.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59My judgment of you was...
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Oh, what's the word I'm looking for?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Premature.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Sometimes, one has to go on instinct,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and mine says you're great.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Oh. To Sarah.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12To Sarah! To Sarah. To Sarah.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14ALARM BEEPS
0:19:14 > 0:19:18That's the roast. Jack, will you... give me a hand? Yep.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28She really likes me.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29I told you people like me.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Yeah. She's capable of turning on the charm...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33when motivated.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34It's like I've been saying,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37if you treat people with kindness and an open heart,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39they can't help but reciprocate.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Maybe you should try it. What's that supposed to mean?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Perhaps she's not the monster you say she is.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I mean, she's curious, she has a playful sense of humour.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50She said that you hit the jackpot.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I'm beginning to think that you're the problem, not Hillary.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Me?! Ssh. Don't raise your voice.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57What would Hillary think?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I need a drink.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Hillary's telling that ridiculous story again about Seal
0:20:02 > 0:20:05writing Kiss From A Rose about her.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Sarah actually thinks Hillary is sane, and that I'm the crazy one!
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Me! I told you not to do the right thing.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I didn't expect them to become besties.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I thought there'll be an awkward hour of forced pleasantries
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and then I'd boot Hillary out of the door,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21hopefully into the path of a speeding bus,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and then everyone wins. Well, the kids would be losing their mum.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28They'd bounce back.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31HILLARY AND SARAH LAUGH That's so funny! I know!
0:20:31 > 0:20:32She's not funny!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34She hasn't got a funny fucking bone in her body!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It's one lunch. You can get through this.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You're right.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Unless we do this again next Sunday.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45This isn't going to be a weekly ritual, is it?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52So, Hillary, tell me more about yourself.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56I live a simple life centred around my kids
0:20:56 > 0:20:58and my many charitable causes.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02So inspiring. Did you just roll your eyes?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05No. Please continue with your scintillating biography(!)
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Let's see. I'm president of the school bursary fund,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and I do a lot of work for Save The Children and Oxfam.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Last year, Mum raised enough money to provide water
0:21:15 > 0:21:18for five African villages.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Yeah, and Dad built the school a new ball shed.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Right, so...
0:21:23 > 0:21:27now all the school balls can be found in the same place.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30The...shed.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35I mean, that's great, Jack, because balls need sheds.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So, Hillary, tell me, how do you find the time to do it all?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42When children are your priority, you make the time.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45You're making me feel so lazy.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Jack, you and I are going to have to get more involved.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Sarah's right, Jack.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52The world needs more selfless people.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Can't do it alone.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I mean, to be honest, you do have quite a lot of free time, don't you?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01In fact, more than anyone else I know.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05What do you mean? Well, Sarah and I both work more than 40 hours a week,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07and you work...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Which gives you more time to pursue your "charitable endeavours".
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I thought you wanted a "nice" afternoon, Jack.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16They made it 45 minutes. Personal best. Well done, guys.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20And I work a hell of a lot more than 40 hours a week.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I raise children, which is the hardest job in the world.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Hmm, I'd have thought brain surgeon or soldier, but, yeah,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I guess telling the kids to get in the bath, that can be gruelling.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Let's have crumble.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Let's all just fill our mouths with crumble.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34I raise kids, too, Hillary,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I just don't have a hardworking ex-husband paying me to do it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Sorry I don't have a career,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41but I had to leave my job because I got knocked-up by someone who was,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43oh, let's call it quick on the trigger.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45You take that back or the deal is off!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Deal? Oh, shit.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51What is going on? Your hilarious new best friend refused to come over
0:22:51 > 0:22:55unless I bought her an expensive television with Sonos.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I came over, I was nice, I didn't get anything.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59I can't believe you, Jack.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Me?! What about her?!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04She's the big, fat, fake fuckface!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05That's infinitely worse!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I am not marrying her, I'm marrying you.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11You don't have to go through with it. He's a terrible person.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Childish, selfish... That's not true!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18This man swallowed his pride and bribed you to come over here,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21just to try to make this family work.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I mean, what did you do? I ate that shit in the green bowl,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26that's what I did. OK, I never said that I was a great cook,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28and I'm tired, OK?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I performed emergency surgery this morning.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I forgot, you have a glamorous job putting kittens to sleep.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36That was somebody's furry child! HILLARY LAUGHS
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I went to veterinary school for five years, OK?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I graduated first in my class.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43And now you're going to be a second wife.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46An inferior sequel.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Sloppy seconds.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Anything you've done to this moron, I've done it first and better.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53And with everyone. Eat shit.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Piss off. OK, maybe there are some things that you do better
0:23:56 > 0:23:59and there are some things that I do...
0:23:59 > 0:24:04My marriage to Jack is not inferior because I'm a second wife!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Yes, you're quite the catch. A 36-year-old woman who can't cook,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10who bases important life decisions on a talking pig,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13marrying a middle-aged reject and stealing my children
0:24:13 > 0:24:15because it's easier than having her own!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Why don't you get out of our lives and go and do what
0:24:17 > 0:24:20you do best - cut a dog's balls off?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Oh, shut up, you psychotic whore!
0:24:23 > 0:24:24SHE WHIMPERS
0:24:35 > 0:24:38You were amazing. Did you see the look on that cow's face?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Ugh, I can't believe I did that.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Hillary is never going to speak to me again.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I know. That was the greatest day of my life.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I need to apologise.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52What? No! We have to try to make this work for our family.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Hi, it's Sarah.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Uh-huh. MUSIC: Kiss From a Rose by Seal
0:24:59 > 0:25:02'Jack and I both wanted to say how sorry we are about today.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04'I'm normally a nice person'
0:25:04 > 0:25:06and I certainly don't say things like that
0:25:06 > 0:25:09to people I want to be friends with.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I hope you believe me.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Are you still there?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Look, we're never going to be friends, so just fuck off.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Um...she just told me to F off.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Congratulations. You have an ex-wife.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33And they all lived happily ever after.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38In a way.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43MUSIC: Ex's and Oh's by Elle King
0:25:52 > 0:25:57# My exes and the oh, oh, ohs, they haunt me
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# Like gho-o-osts they want me
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# To make 'em oh, oh, oh
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# They won't let go
0:26:05 > 0:26:07# Exes and ohs. #