0:00:03 > 0:00:05RADIO: Here on the late show, it's coming up to midnight.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08It's Dan here, with you, through until one in the morning...
0:00:08 > 0:00:09DOOR CLOSES
0:00:12 > 0:00:15After all these years, he still waits up for me.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- Is it because I left the door open last time?- No.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25It was somewhere for the water to go when you left the tap running.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27You're a good man, Coby Tooper...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Coby! Toby Cooper.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Yeah, you hold on to that, cos Frankie went out and she's not back.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I thought we agreed she was staying in tonight.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Yes, I know. But she said she was going to do homework at Sarah's,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- and I believed her.- It's Friday, it's half term, and it's Frankie.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46What are you doing?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Finding out where our daughter is.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- How?- Facebook.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52You check her Facebook?
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Not as much as I check yours.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Last update - an hour ago.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- She's at a party.- Oh, God.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Has she been drinking?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I hope so. Look at that spelling.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- There are a lot of boys there. - Why do we adopt children?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10We could have adopted a panda. They send a newsletter and a photo.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And you don't have to worry about pandas having sex.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I thought you'd be angrier with me.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17The wine is taking the edge off it.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Yeah, you're going to suffer in the morning.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20So are you.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21DOOR OPENS
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Oh, no... Am I sleepwalking again?
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Don't even bother.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Look, I'm sorry, but...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I don't want to hear it. Go up to bed.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36We'll deal with this in the morning.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- I'm going for a nightcap.- No, maybe you've had enough...
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Hey, hey... Go to bed.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43No, I'm just saying neither of us are going to come out of this well.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- So?- So it might be better for both of us if she doesn't remember this
0:01:46 > 0:01:47in the morning.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I think there's some brandy left over from Christmas.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Tess...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Mum!- Yeah?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07How often should you go to church?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Couple of times a year.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Just enough to show God you're not getting cocky.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Frankie! Get down here.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- I'm coming.- First Gran says we should be going more.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Does she now?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- What's that?- It's a Bible from First Gran.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Oh, what an age-appropriate present.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29And she's underlined bits.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32She's found a more passive-aggressive gift than hand sanitiser.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Morning.- Barely.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35OK, get it over with.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It happened on your dad's watch, so he's punishing you.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Oh. Great.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I don't know why you think I can't be tough.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Well, go on, then.- Right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Go to your room.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You just called me down from my room.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Well, go back.- You can't punish her by sending her to her room, Toby.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Why not?- Because her room is nicer than the rest of the house.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56What's the worst room in the house?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- I'll send her there.- The living room's pretty bad.- Right. Go there.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01That's your punishment? Go to the living room?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Well, I don't know. She's a teenager.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05It's hard to punish someone who doesn't like anything.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Internet ban. One week.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09You're banning the internet? What, so you're China now?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11And we're banning you from going to any more parties.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12So what am I allowed to do?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Go analogue. Read a book.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Write to your pen pal. Churn butter.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real parents.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yeah, and that's what I tell the school when they
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- try and blame me for your behaviour. - Ten years she's been here.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You'd think at least Stockholm syndrome would have kicked in.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It would help if you were tougher with her.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I just didn't want to escalate the situation.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34She's our daughter, not a man on a ledge.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Yes, but you can't just shout at her.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- She's not a kid any more. She's becoming a woman.- Yeah?
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Well, that makes two of you.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Mum...- Yeah?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Frankie's on the internet.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45All right, WikiLeaks.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Stop it. Oh, get off, Frankie.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50You could get groomed.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Nah. Your sister lacks the joyful naivete of a grooming victim.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- First Gran says lying is...- Yes. I'd like to talk to you about First Gran.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01You see, the thing is, Alisha,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03you know that we're different from most families?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Because we don't have Sky.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Yes, and also because you're all adopted.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Right. Yes. Because your cervix was hostile.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Not just her cervix.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And, because of that,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18you have first families who think they know what's best for you all.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Which is ironic, considering...
0:04:20 > 0:04:21- Tess...- Yeah, in a minute.- No.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Now, Tess.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28We talked about avoiding this kind of confrontation.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- We didn't.- Well, I wanted to, I just didn't know how to bring it up.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Sorry, but I am getting seriously worried about the influence
0:04:33 > 0:04:37of a certain G-R-A-N.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I'm more worried you don't think our 11-year-old can spell gran.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42She's on about us not being holy enough.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Well, it's important they have contact with their biological families.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I'm not having our daughter being told we're bad parents.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51She shouldn't resent how we raised her until she's an adult.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Don't waste the milk.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56What's that?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Nothing. Don't worry.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Mason, happy eighth birthday.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07What? Don't spend three years seeing a child psychologist
0:05:07 > 0:05:11without learning how to read upside down.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I thought you said Charlie wasn't invited to that.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16He's not. We're going anyway.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19You're gate-crashing an eight-year-old's birthday party?
0:05:19 > 0:05:20He's never invited to things.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I will not have my son be cast out by the herd,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25to be picked off by the wolves and the jackals.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27He's not a wounded wildebeest!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29You can't just turn up and force your way in.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Watch me. His mum's so smug.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I mean, so what if Mason's grade five on the recorder?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It's just blowing, Toby.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And if Charlie makes friends, he'll become less attached to me.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Oh, it's just a bit of a shy phase.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Oh, come off it. We have a mirror between rooms so he can always see me.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Charlie, shoes on.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Let's go. He'll thank me when he's popular.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56You going to be OK?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I'm not an intern. I can manage.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Last night, you managed to lose a third of our kids.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Yes, it sounds more when you say it as a fraction.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Just try and nip Alisha's Bible phase in the bud.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh... OK.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Well, we'll have a chat.- Oh, God...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- What?- Just distract her.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13She's not a baby any more.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I can't just dangle my keys in front of her.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- Right. Come on.- Have a good time.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Let's show an eight-year-old what happens when you exclude a Cooper.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23HE YAWNS
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I haven't got a present.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26You got a fiver for the card?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Erm...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Erm, no. Only a ten.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Is Mum going to hell because she doesn't go to church?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39No, Alisha.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- That's not why.- Can blind people go to heaven?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Yes. All people can.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46But not animals?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47No.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50So how do the blind people get around without their dogs?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Well, guide dogs are probably allowed in.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57You know, like in...shops.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01And do all countries have their own heaven,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04or are there signs in all different languages, like when we went to Wales?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09You know, some questions...
0:07:09 > 0:07:11we just don't know the answer to,
0:07:11 > 0:07:12and that's OK.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I just thought you'd know because you're a Catholic.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16No, not really. We just say so for the schools.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- What?- No, what I meant was... - We're not really Catholic?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- No, we say that because...- But Mum does communion all the time -
0:07:22 > 0:07:23in the evenings, in the bath...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25All through school holidays.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Yeah, that's just normal wine.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30But we're really thankful for it.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32So we're lying to my school?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33The Bible says lying is wrong.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35It's complicated, Alisha.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37They didn't have catchment areas back then.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38I don't care! It's wrong!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It's wrong-ish.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Wrong is wrong.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44What are you doing?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Don't know. Worth a try.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I need to read this again, and I'm telling First Gran the truth.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Hey, Alisha, don't...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55That was like watching a dog try and do sudoku.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Hey, it's harder than it looks.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I don't know. You made it look pretty hard.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Wow. Look at this house.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Three words - scratchcard win.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Will you hold my hand?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Better not. The other children'll think it's funny.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17But you said we shouldn't care
0:08:17 > 0:08:19about what other people think.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- SHE RINGS DOORBELL - Well, we should a bit.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22There's a sweet spot.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Tess, hi.- Hi, Carly.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- We're here for the party.- Oh, right.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- I didn't think...- No, Charlie didn't get an invitation.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34But that can't be right -
0:08:34 > 0:08:37no-one invites a whole class but leaves one kid out, right?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40No. It's hard to keep track, sometimes.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Is it, though?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Here's your one...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56and who else wants a giraffe, then?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Why don't you go and play over there?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- Will you stay?- OK.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'll be with the other mums and dads, but try and mix in.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Do you know, I write with this hand, but I eat my crisps with this hand?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22- Am I the only...?- Yup.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25- And how long is...?- Two hours.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Right.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- What's all this?- First Gran says we should repent for lying to the school.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- Oh. Good.- So I'm becoming a nun and giving up all my possessions.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh. Is it a silent order?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47- No.- Funny, that.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Come and sit with me, sweetheart.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Now, look, I...I love
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- First Gran.- So do I.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Yeah, don't we all?- She's great.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58In many ways, yes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I love her more than anything.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Who doesn't? And...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06we like that she's in your life, but we've also got to protect you.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Now, First Gran has some very strange views and, to be honest,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Alisha, she's a bit mad.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16It's super rude to talk about First Gran like she's not here.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Ahem.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24For goodness' sake, Alisha, you've got to tell me when she's on Skype!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- She's on Skype.- It's a bit late now.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29God, the old bat's going to be even more unbearable now.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31No, I mean she's still on Skype.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33You haven't shut the lid all the way.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Yes, the old bat's still here, Toby.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40You can't shut the lid on Jesus...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42What happened was you hadn't shut the lid...
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Yes, I know what happened, Alisha.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46..so she could still hear.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48There you go.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Oh, you forgot one.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Oh, so I have!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54You're right.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56It is hard to keep track, sometimes, isn't it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02You know, it is up to the children, who they invite to their parties?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Maybe good parents have a role to play
0:11:04 > 0:11:07in making sure some kids aren't excluded.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Right. I think I'll go and check on the face painting.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Sounds like fun.- Yeah.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14She's great. We had her for our big Halloween party.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Oh! We didn't get an invite to that.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Really? Cos I did do you one.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I told Mason to give them out to the whole class.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21No, no, no - didn't see one.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Oh, he must have forgotten.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24You know what they're like.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh, well. Perhaps next time.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Yeah. Absolutely.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Right. Face painting.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Great!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36(Which one of your two faces is she going to paint?)
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Are you writing to your pen pal?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Yeah. Ling Tang's Indonesian.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51She knows what it's like to live under a dictator.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I know you lied to Dad last night.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Lying is wrong, Frankie.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Why do you always have to be so perfect?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It's like you're trying to get promoted into a better family.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04The job of a nun is to tell people about right and wrong.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05And escape from the Nazis.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I've seen a film about it.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Alisha, life isn't black and white.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Would you ever cut a man? Put a knife right into his chest?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- No!- Well, that man just died.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17He needed heart surgery.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You see? You were the surgeon all along.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Oh, no!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I didn't realise.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Sometimes doing a bad thing is actually a good thing.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Sometimes you have to lie to protect people.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Like Dad and the pen pal thing?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Exactly. Wait, what?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37She never actually replied, so Dad pretended to be her.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39What?!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Don't you want to go and play?- No.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50It might be fun.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And as you get older you're going to have to stop coming in here with me.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It's Ryan. He won't let me join in.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59He says I'm weird.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Right.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- You pretended to be my pen pal?! - Yes, I know it sounds bad...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06You think? How long has this been going on for?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Stop. This is a semidetached house.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10If we argue, we argue away from the neighbours.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11That is the arguing wall.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Fine.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- How long?!- From the start.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- The start?- Well, she never wrote back and you were upset.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I've been writing to her since I was 12.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I thought you'd give up on it like everything else,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29but you didn't and I was in too deep.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- What about the photo?- Well, there's an Indonesian girl
0:13:31 > 0:13:34in the year below you, so I took it off her Facebook.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35I knew they looked the same!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I thought I was being racist.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You made me think I was racist!
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Would a Bible verse help?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- BOTH: No! - Wait, I sent Ling Tang money.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What happened to the money?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46This is going to sound worse than it is.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48That was meant to go to a family in poverty.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Well, it did.- Oh, my God.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I can't believe, growing up, my best friend was my dad.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- Well, that's...- And not in the way you always wanted.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Oi...you...
0:14:01 > 0:14:02come here.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I know boys like you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Born at the start of the school year.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Giving headlocks to the fragile July babies.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14You were top dog for a while.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16But now everyone's filling out, aren't they?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Every day there are fewer kids to push around.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22So how does it feel, Ryan, to peak at eight?
0:14:23 > 0:14:29You bully Charlie again, and you will disappear, quickly and quietly,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31just like your mum's boyfriends always do.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Capiche?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Frankie!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Frankie, you can't lock yourself in the toilet.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39We've only got the one.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Hey, no, I told you not to text your friends from my phone.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- Why?- Because you tell them to meet you in the park, they ring the number,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I answer, and then their parents call the police.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49That was so funny.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50- But I wasn't.- Good.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I rang Mum and told her you and Frankie are screaming at each other.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Oh, Alisha, why?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I'm telling the truth cos God will punish us if we do bad things.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01No, God won't do that, your mum will do that.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12OK, honey, come on. Pop and get your party bag.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Sorry, we've got to shoot off.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Small family crisis.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21But thank you for having us.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23You're welcome.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Come on.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25HE GROANS
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Oh, he doesn't want to leave!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29That's how I know I've done my job.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And tell Harry's mum we're looking forward to the invite to his party.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41You may not be old enough to appreciate it yet, Charlie,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44but I am mothering the hell out of you.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Frankie!- You're a liar.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Hey, one lie.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And the lie to the school.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52They were only to protect you.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I don't lie for my own benefit.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Is that why you tell the men on your five-a-side football team
0:15:57 > 0:15:58that you're almost 40?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- I am.- You're 42.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Which is almost 40.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03And you still buy combat trousers.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- What?- Mum says you're lying to yourself.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I find the pockets convenient.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10How can you tell us not to lie when you do it all the time?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I don't lie...all the time.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14There's too much sin everywhere!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17How bad were my birth parents that you guys got the gig?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Frankie, you stay here!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22What are you doing?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24First Gran says I should be re-baptised.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28You're dead to me.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Toby, why are you dead to her?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35And... And why is our 11-year-old drowning herself?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Some things went down.- Like what?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Well, Frankie hates me, First Gran knows we're lying to the school,
0:16:40 > 0:16:41and Alisha's been radicalised.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44So, what, I solve Charlie's problems and you create more?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46It's like running a bath with the plug out.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- In my defence, I was juggling a lot of things.- No - two things, Toby.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50The same number of things as hands.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53That's not juggling - that's holding things, in your hands.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I'll deal with this when I've cleaned him up.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Oh, my God. Alisha...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59breathe!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03At least one of your parents knows what they're doing.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07What's...
0:17:08 > 0:17:09What's this?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Where have your freckles gone?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I don't have any.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Oh, my God...
0:17:18 > 0:17:19It's not Charlie!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- What?- I brought the wrong kid home.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25How could you get the wrong child?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27It was a lapse of concentration.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29A lapse of conc...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32You didn't burn some toast, you kidnapped a person.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Look, there was obviously more than one tiger.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36What sort of face painter only knows tigers?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- What's going on?- Your mum stole a child.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43- Get in.- It's not stealing if you get them back before anyone's noticed.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Are you OK?- Yes.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Why didn't you say something? I told you you weren't my mum.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52What? Our kids say that all the time.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Is he done?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- No, not yet.- So...
0:18:04 > 0:18:07your view is if a child has abandonment issues,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09the best cure is to abandon them again for a bit?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Like homoeopathy.- Ooh...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I like him. Can we keep him?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- No.- I'll play with him every day.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20No. I'll get you a gerbil.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Now, just...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23go to the door and explain the situation.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26We can't. How many parties do you think the boy from
0:18:26 > 0:18:29the kidnappy family gets invited to? They'll blacklist us.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Can you blame them?- We need a distraction.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I want to talk to you about Jesus.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Oh, God...
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Got you. Right.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41OK. Come on. Got you.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Right...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55But you can't work out how to load the dishwasher?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Go. Back into the wild.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Which one is Charlie?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- I don't know.- What was he wearing?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I don't remember.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Not covering yourself in glory today, Tess.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22And what about people who are scared of heights?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Do they have to go to heaven or can they go to hell if they prefer?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Ch-Charlie?- Charlie?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Charlie?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Sorry, mate. Sorry. Ch-Charlie?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Charlie?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Charlie! I thought I was being adopted again.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41And when children go to heaven, do they keep on growing?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44And, if they do, does that mean that they die in heaven too?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- And then where do they go? - Alfie, what happened to your face?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I did that!
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Come on, quick. Just jump on it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- Get up there.- Need a hand?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I'd...just like to say, this woman is not a blood relation.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Hi, Frankie.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Once again, I am very, very, very sorry.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Please don't hold this against Charlie.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Why would we hold it against Charlie?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- We love Charlie.- But...
0:20:19 > 0:20:20He's never invited to things.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23That's not because of Charlie.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26What? It's because of me?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- What have I done?!- Well, let's see.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Today alone, you've turned up uninvited to a party,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35without a present, you've broken into my home,
0:20:35 > 0:20:40stolen a child and threatened to disappear Harry.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- I thought that was Ryan. - Oh, would that make it better?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Fair point.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49She's so embarrassing.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Yeah. Don't want to hang out with her anymore.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Embarrassed into independence?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00It's not textbook parenting, but a win's a win, I suppose.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01This family...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I'm terrified you're going to sit me down one day and tell me
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I'm not adopted.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I'm very sorry about Ling Tang.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Save it.- I just didn't want you to feel rejected.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Don't worry about me. I'm tough.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Yes, I know you are, Frankie.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20But...Ling Tang wasn't the only one who...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- didn't reply to you. - What do you mean?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Your dad.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Yeah, I remember.- I just didn't want that to happen again.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32So, to stop me from getting upset,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36you pretended to be a 12-year-old Indonesian girl, for two years?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Didn't think twice. We're a very accommodating people,
0:21:38 > 0:21:39the Indonesians.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Oh, and by the way, Harry's mum said that Charlie can come to the party,
0:21:49 > 0:21:50but can Toby bring him.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51We like Toby.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I think if we ever get divorced, most of our friends are going to
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- choose you.- Oh, sweetheart...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08They were always my friends anyway.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13God, get a room.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16- You OK?- Yeah.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18This was quite fun.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Yeah, so few people kidnap as a family any more.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Do you think anybody else in this family will get into heaven?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26It's looking doubtful.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30But it won't be heaven without all of you.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Well, I guess you'll have to decide,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34do you want to be a good person or do you want to be a Cooper?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Probably a Cooper.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Yeah, good choice. They let anyone in.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Are we the worst parents ever?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46No. Trust me.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47There's worse.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Like?- How about Darth Vader?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Oh, yeah.- Yeah!- Oh... That's bleak. - The woman from your magazine.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56You know, the one that ran off with her daughter's boyfriend?
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Yeah, good one.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00There's this type of lizard that eats its own young.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01It's gross!
0:23:01 > 0:23:02CHARLIE: Ewwww!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah. Thanks, guys.