0:00:15 > 0:00:17APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Hello.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Well, here we are, then.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40We made it. We're out of the house.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44We said that's it, Tuesday night we're coming out.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47We are not sitting in front of the television,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49eating pizza straight out of the box.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Scraping bits of cold mozzarella cheese off the inside of the lid
0:00:52 > 0:00:55two hours later and eating them.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59We're coming out, we want glamour, glitter, excitement.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Well, we're here now, um...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Thank you very much for coming. Welcome to the beautiful, beautiful,
0:01:05 > 0:01:06my favourite venue, the Royal Albert Hall.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I'm really, really pleased to be here. This is the third time that
0:01:09 > 0:01:10I've played the Royal Albert Hall
0:01:10 > 0:01:12and it's probably the last time I'll play it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And when they asked me to come back again, I said, "Well, we'll have to
0:01:15 > 0:01:18"have a set, because I have to have something between me
0:01:18 > 0:01:21"and that huge organ, because it's very distracting."
0:01:21 > 0:01:23So they've given me this, which I think is very nice.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's been sent back twice because the lettering was wrong.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28The first time the lettering was wrong,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30the second time the spacing was wrong.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32It said, "Victoria Wood: A Tit Again."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Anyway, so I'm really pleased to be here.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43The woman that runs this place, she's really nice to me.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45She said, when she knew I was coming back, she said,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"Do we need to make any special security arrangements?
0:01:48 > 0:01:49"Are you likely to get mobbed?"
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I said, "I don't think so." I said, "I do have fans, you know,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"but I don't have mad fans. I don't have people hanging around my house,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57"trying to drink my bathwater or anything like that."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I said to the woman, I said, "You don't need to make any special arrangements for me."
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I don't think of myself as any sort of celebrity.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05You know, to me, celebrities are other people,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07very showy-offy people who behave in a really bizarre way.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Like, they're always getting drunk and dancing naked on tables,
0:02:10 > 0:02:11which I don't want to do.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Anyway, the tables of Pizza Hut are very wobbly.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17But they always give their children really strange names, don't they?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20They can't just call their babies things like Bob and Chris.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24They have to be things like Mercedes and Rainforest.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You see, if I was a proper celebrity, I'd have to have at least four children.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32One naturally, two adopted, one from sperm sent in by a well-wisher...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36..and I'd call them Pinky, Perky, Monosodium Glutamate and Satsuma.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41But the reason I had to cancel all my shows in the first place was
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I had this lump. Well, I didn't know I had a lump, but in the end,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46that's what it turned out to be. I had this lump.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48And the Daily Mirror got hold of it. That was painful, in itself.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51They did, they got hold of my lump and they put it all over
0:02:51 > 0:02:54the front page of the Daily Mirror and I was so embarrassed.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58They were desperate to get a story on me when I went into the hospital and I wouldn't let them have one.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02So they sent two men into the hospital dressed as oil sheikhs
0:03:02 > 0:03:03to try and get a story on me.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06You know, which is stupid - they stood out a mile.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07This was a gynaecology ward.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09But when I first got something wrong with me,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I didn't know I had anything wrong with me,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13because the first thing I noticed was I'd just got a bit bigger,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17and I thought, "Well, there you are, I've just got a bit bigger. I'll have to get some new clothes."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I'm thinking, "What size I now?" I wasn't sure if I was 16, 18.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Look at Vanessa Feltz, she looks to be the same size as me,
0:03:23 > 0:03:24she's a size 12, oddly enough...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Anyway, I know I'm different sizes in different shops.
0:03:33 > 0:03:3516 in some shops, 18 in some shops.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37In Gap I'm only a size 12, because they're American.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40In Marks & Spencer's I'm only a size 3, because they don't want to upset anybody.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43In Topshop, my hips set off an alarm as I go through.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46"Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!"
0:03:46 > 0:03:50"There's a big middle-aged woman trying to get in!" There's a grille coming down. Whoa!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I go, "Please, it's not for me, it's my daughter!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:00"No, we can't help you, go, go, go!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"Evans is round the corner - please, go there!"
0:04:04 > 0:04:08But I didn't realise at first there was anything wrong with me - I just felt a bit strange.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I remember saying to my friend, "I don't feel good."
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And she said, "Have you ever thought it might be fibroids?"
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I said, "Fibroids? That's a breakfast cereal, isn't it?"
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Keeps you trim on the outside and regular on the inside.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23And she said, "Well, if you get them and they go really, really big and bad, you have to have an operation."
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And I said, "Oh, what?" She said, "You have to have a hysterectomy."
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I said, "You have to have a what?"
0:04:29 > 0:04:32She said, "You have to have a hysterectomy."
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I said, "I'm not having one of those."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I said, "It's not even a proper word."
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I said, "It's got half its letters missing."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41It's got a big hole in the middle, appropriately enough.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Come on, keep up!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47But I remembered what she said months later, you know,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49when I was in Casualty and I was lying in this cubicle.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And this consultant came and he said, "I've looked at your scans,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"you know, it doesn't look good. You're going to have to have an operation."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58And I said, "Oh, what?" He said, "You've got to have a hysterectomy."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00But at the time, you know, I just put it down to the menopause.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04You know, because I was that age and I put everything down to the menopause now -
0:05:04 > 0:05:06tiredness, irritability, global warming.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Well, it could be, couldn't it? 200 lady Eskimos all having a hot flush at the same time. Whoa!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I was used to going a bit mad, you know, once a month. I was used to all that. I was used to that cycle,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22you know, you're all right, you're getting your period, you've got your period,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I love you, I hate you, I'm really sorry...
0:05:24 > 0:05:27And I had identified a little mini cycle within that
0:05:27 > 0:05:28when you go like this, because you're ovulating.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I'm all right, I get my period, I've had my period, I'm ovulating,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I love you, I'm really sorry, get out of it...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36And I thought, "Well, that's all right, you know, I have all that
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"and then that'll stop, and then I'll get my menopause."
0:05:38 > 0:05:42But what I didn't realise was, you get all this, I have my period...
0:05:42 > 0:05:47and at the same time, you get your menopause coming the other way!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49So you're going, "All right, I'm getting my period,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"I've had my period, I'm ovulating, is it hot or is it me?"
0:05:53 > 0:05:54"What have I come in here for?"
0:05:54 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Well, it got so bad with me that in the end,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08there was only 17 minutes in a month...
0:06:11 > 0:06:12..when anybody could get any sense out of me!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16So they're all queuing up for those 17 minutes,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18because they know that I'll be nice and reasonable
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and I won't burst into tears, so they're all queuing up, everybody.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23You've got carol singers in April... # Deck the halls...! #
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"Yes, come in!" I've got those men
0:06:25 > 0:06:27who go door-to-door selling the dusters,
0:06:27 > 0:06:28"Yes, I'll have your dusters.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"And your ironing board cover, anything you like!" My children are queuing up.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"Can I go to Ibiza, even though I'm only 12?"
0:06:33 > 0:06:34"Yes, of course you can, my darling!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"Can I have another two Game Boys?" "Yes, of course you can, my darling!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39My husband's at the back of the queue, "Hurry up, hurry up..."
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Yes?" "Can we have sex tonight?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Oh, ping! Time's up! What have I come in here for?"
0:06:51 > 0:06:53So I thought, I'll go to a health food shop
0:06:53 > 0:06:56and I'll ask them what I can take.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I want to know why the people who work in health food shops
0:07:00 > 0:07:02have always got styes...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07..and impetigo
0:07:07 > 0:07:13and psoriasis and scurvy and rickets.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16They're always the most droopy-looking little people, aren't they?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19The men always look like they're saving up for a sex change,
0:07:19 > 0:07:20and they've only got 22 quid
0:07:22 > 0:07:26And the girls have got really teeny-weeny little wrists.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29If they've got to ring up a big price, they have to call somebody in from the back.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"It was £19.99, I've done the 19..."
0:07:34 > 0:07:38So I went into one and I said to this girl, "Hello, have you got anything about the menopause?"
0:07:38 > 0:07:41And she's just looking at me, I can see she's puzzling over
0:07:41 > 0:07:44the first part of the sentence, the "hello" part.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Anyway, I found this book, Natural Alternatives to HRT,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and I bought everything it said you should take.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52And the next morning, I'm sitting there, I've got this really sad breakfast.
0:07:52 > 0:07:58I've got this big bowl of sunflower seeds, linseeds and millet.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01I'm thinking, "This is a bit sad,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04"I've turned into a five foot five budgie all of a sudden."
0:08:04 > 0:08:06All I need is the ladder and the flipping bell.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10So I'm chomping away. My husband says, "What are you eating?" I said, "I'm eating linseeds."
0:08:10 > 0:08:13He said, "You can't eat linseeds." I said, "You can, linseed oil, is very good for you."
0:08:13 > 0:08:16He said, "Well, that's what you put on cricket bats, isn't it?"
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I said, "At least you won't crack in the cold weather."
0:08:20 > 0:08:22The trouble with linseeds is they're teeny, teeny little seeds
0:08:22 > 0:08:25and they get stuck in the cracks between your teeth. So you spend all day...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29..getting them out. What's better, really, HRT or linseeds?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33I don't know. Who do you want to look like, Edwina Currie or Albert Steptoe?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Well, I was religiously chomping away.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I took this stuff every day for days and days and days
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and I didn't feel any better.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44And I didn't think I looked any better, but I couldn't really tell.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I can't really tell what I look like, because I have a very strange idea of my own body image,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50because I used to suffer from an eating disorder.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52If you've ever had an eating disorder, it gives you
0:08:52 > 0:08:53a distorted view of what you look like.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Like, if somebody's a compulsive over-eater and they're very big,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59they can look in the mirror and they see quite a normal person.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02An anorexic looks in the mirror and they can see quite a fat person.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Michael Portillo looks in the mirror and sees quite a fat person.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It's Ann Widdecombe! Ha-ha! Afraid of you!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10So I just, you know, I just struggle with this body image thing,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12because of having suffered from this addiction.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16But it's not a bad addiction to have. If anybody's thinking of taking up an addiction, you know,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19compulsive overeating is not a bad one, because it's quite cheap.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You know, if you compare the prices
0:09:21 > 0:09:22of a gram of coke and a bottle of vodka,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26and a white sliced loaf and a pot of Hartley's strawberry jam,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28you know, it comes out quite well.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31But I just have this strange relationship with food,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33partly because of the way I was brought up,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35because my mother, like a lot of mothers in the 1950s,
0:09:35 > 0:09:36she used sweets as a reward.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39You know, if you were good, you got your sweets, if you did your jobs,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42you got your sweets, if you did your dry-stone walling, you got your Maltesers...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You know, because I was brought up in rather a strange house on the top of the Moors,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48miles from anywhere, just outside Rochdale in Lancashire,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50and it was two miles from the nearest bus stop,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and there was just a really rough cart track to get our house,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56which meant, when I was older, I could only really have a boyfriend
0:09:56 > 0:09:57if he had his own transport
0:09:57 > 0:09:59and he wasn't too bothered about his suspension.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Which meant I ended up going out with a load of old binmen, usually.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06But I did have this strange relationship with my mother,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08because the night I was born, I was born in a little nursing home.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11It was when they used to take the babies away as soon as they were born
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and there was a mix-up, and I was given to the woman in the next-door
0:10:14 > 0:10:17room, and my mother was given this woman's appendix in a jar.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Which she was, you know, fine about.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23She was just a little bit distant.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26And you know when you're little and your mum takes you to the shop,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29and you're like that. She takes you to the shop, and she always stops
0:10:29 > 0:10:32for a very long conversation with somebody, and you're just, like, stood there.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And all you can hear are the distant voices that are booming somewhere
0:10:35 > 0:10:38above your head. Well, I realised years later that in my case
0:10:38 > 0:10:40that was a false arm,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and she'd tuned the radio to The Archers,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44she'd gone, she was in a cafe half a mile away.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46But it was a funny place to be brought up,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48because there was nothing to do. Our main social life
0:10:48 > 0:10:50when we were teenagers, there was a church nearby
0:10:50 > 0:10:53and I used to go bell-ringing once a week to meet boys.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56But it's not great preparation for a mutually fulfilling sex life,
0:10:56 > 0:11:00bell-ringing. All that tugging - it's not good.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05You know, the first proper boyfriend I had, I nearly killed him. "Oh, God, sorry!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:16He didn't mind that so much as being expected to do it in a circle with seven other people.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22But the trouble with my mother was that she never would encourage us to go to the doctor if we were ill.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25She said, "You should never go to the doctor unless you've got something interesting."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28So we were always going around kissing parrots, trying to get psittacosis.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Because she said that you should put up with everything, which is a very northern thing.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's a very Lancashire thing. You put up with everything,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37don't show your emotions, you don't show that you mind about anything.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39If you look at the history of the north-west, you know,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42they closed the mines, and they just went, "Oh, well, there you go."
0:11:42 > 0:11:44And they closed the shipyards, "Oh, fair enough."
0:11:44 > 0:11:46They closed the cotton mills, "That's that, then."
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I mean, when they marched in the 1930s,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50they marched from Jarrow in the north-east,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53and the people from the north-west joined on at the end, because there
0:11:53 > 0:11:55was, like, nothing else to do, "All right."
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And when they got to 10 Downing Street they said, "Look,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"we're not that bothered about the unemployment, but could you please
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"not send us any more Gracie Fields films? Thanks very much." That's how
0:12:03 > 0:12:05she was brought up, you see, to put up with everything, because she was
0:12:05 > 0:12:08brought up in the 1920s, very poor, little tiny house in Moss Side.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11She said to me, one year, they were so poor, she didn't have a coat,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13none of them had coats. She didn't have shoes, none of them had shoes.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15She didn't have a sense of humour, that was just her.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18So, you know, when I started to feel ill,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I really started to try and struggle on, but I was losing all my bounce.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24You know, because normally, I get out of bed, have a shower,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I shampoo my hair twice, I put mousse and conditioner, I blow-dry it. I'd gone from that to, like,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31slapping on a bit of Wash & Go and hoping it rained.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35And I was losing all my interest in everything.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You know, because we have a bird table outside our kitchen window.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Normally I like to see what's on the bird table, and I just couldn't be bothered looking.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43And my children were going, "Look, look,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"there's a robin!" I'm going, "I'll look later."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48One night, we had a fox in the garden and my children were going,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"Look, look, there's a fox in the garden!" I'm going, "I'll look later."
0:12:51 > 0:12:53One night, we had a unicorn and two pixies...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56And my husband said, he said, "I know you don't feel good, but look,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58"it's nearly half-term. We'll have a special treat."
0:12:58 > 0:13:02He said, "Why don't we go to Florida and have a week at Disney World?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I said, "I don't think I can go. I think something's wrong with me.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"I think my compulsive overeating has come back."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10He said, "Honestly, we'll have a fantastic week at Disney World."
0:13:10 > 0:13:11I said, "I don't think I can go.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"I think I need to be with other compulsive overeaters."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17He said, "If you go to Disney World, you will be!"
0:13:21 > 0:13:27Well, I've never seen so many huge arses in my whole life.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I mean, I'd never been there before.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I don't know if everybody there has a big arse,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37or if everybody in Florida's got a big arse -
0:13:37 > 0:13:39everybody in Disney World's got a big arse.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41It was big-arse week and we got four cancellations,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I don't know what it was.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46But they're all HUGE
0:13:46 > 0:13:49and they're all very happily all walking around eating.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53And I'm thinking, "Well, I'm sorry, we don't do that in our country!"
0:13:53 > 0:13:56If you're very, very big, you don't walk around as if you didn't mind!
0:13:59 > 0:14:00You certainly don't walk around eating.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04If you're big in this country, eating is a very shameful thing.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06You can't imagine this scenario in England.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07A big woman goes into a cake shop
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and she says, "I would like a cake, please.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"It is for me, I'm going to eat it myself."
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It couldn't happen, could it? She would have to go in and say,
0:14:18 > 0:14:19"Erm, can I have a cake, please?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"A woman's collapsed two streets away, and..."
0:14:25 > 0:14:26"..I think it's a diabetic coma."
0:14:28 > 0:14:32"On the other hand, it could be head injuries, in which case I'll eat it myself."
0:14:32 > 0:14:35In Disney World, they're walking around, they've got food in this hand,
0:14:35 > 0:14:36they've got food in that hand,
0:14:36 > 0:14:41they've got a big wheelie bin full of popcorn...
0:14:41 > 0:14:45they've got a sort of Bob Dylan harmonica-style thing with a turkey leg strapped to it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51And they're all wearing shorts!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:15:00And I'm thinking, "I'm sorry.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"We don't do that in our country!"
0:15:02 > 0:15:05If you're very, very big, you're supposed to stay in!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10If you have to come out, it's beige with an elasticated waist,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12it's not shorts!
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Shorts, really, in our country are reserved for little thin, weenie, weenie little people.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Little weenie, weenie little shorts.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23With little weenie, weenie logos on the back.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"Levi." "M&S." "C&A."
0:15:26 > 0:15:30In Disney World, they can write what they like on the back of their shorts!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"Procrastination is the thief of time."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Anyway, I came back from my holiday and I didn't feel any better.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I thought, "I'm so fed up with this now.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"I'm going to go to the doctor's, I'm going to phone the doctor."
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I don't think I'd ever phoned the doctor for myself before.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48So I phoned him and I said, "I'd like to make an appointment."
0:15:48 > 0:15:52And she said, "That's fine, the first available appointment will be November 5th 2002."
0:15:53 > 0:15:55She said, "Or, if you can turn up in five minutes,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"we're having a free-for-all."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00So I turned up and there's a whole bunch of people waiting,
0:16:00 > 0:16:01it's like first come, first served.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04And there's five doors, there's five doctors' surgeries.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07And there's a doctor behind one door, but you don't know which one.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14So we're all there, on the blocks like this.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And I'm sizing up the opposition.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23I've got a bronchitis, a varicose veins, a woman in a wheelchair -
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I'm not too worried about her...
0:16:26 > 0:16:30a manic depressive, I think, "Well, he could go either way, you know?"
0:16:30 > 0:16:32He could be, like, sat slumped, or he could put on a burst
0:16:32 > 0:16:34of adrenaline and get to the door first.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I think, "Well, I'll kick him out of the way, elbow the varicose veins,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40"disable the bronchitis with a quick burst of Estee Lauder Youth Dew..."
0:16:44 > 0:16:48So I reckon it's down to me and the woman in the wheelchair.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Well, she looks quite fit, actually, she's got a little sweatband on.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And she's got these little leather gloves, she's like this.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Big winner's medal from the London Marathon.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01So I'm going home and I'm in a big huff,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and I go past this big billboard outside the doctor's,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07and it's got this picture with a very smiley woman with a telephone headset,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and it says, "Medical Advice Helpline - let us do the worrying."
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I think, "Well, I'll phone them. I'll phone them and tell them
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"my symptoms and they can tell me what to do.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16So I get out my new, very flashy,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18little black, flippy-flippy mobile phone.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Flip, flip. Oh, it's stuck to my face!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Why is it stuck to my face?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Because it's not a mobile phone, it's a black panty liner with wings.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Wrong pocket, start again.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Flippy, flippy, flippy, beep, beep, beep...
0:17:45 > 0:17:49"Hello, you are through to the Medical Advice Helpline.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Let us do the worrying.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"You have accessed the storehouse, nay treasure trove,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"of trained medical experts.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"Each one expertly trained, medically."
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"With a medical training that has made them expert, in a trained way."
0:18:04 > 0:18:08"We have over 5,000 top consultants all busting a gut, so to speak,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10"to help you with any symptoms that may be worrying you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"I'm afraid that at the moment,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16"there is no-one available to take your call.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"You can either hang up, hang on, or, if symptoms worsen,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21"dial 3-33-3-33-3-33
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"for our complete postmortem and funeral package."
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I think, "Well, I'll hang on."
0:18:27 > 0:18:28"You are now being held in a queue.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"If you have a tone phone,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32"please press for your choice of relaxing listening.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36"Press one for the Blue Danube, two for the Cuckoo Waltz,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"three for Tommy Steele having a crack at Phantom of the Opera."
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"You have now reached the head of the queue
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"and a trained consultant will be with you in...
0:18:45 > 0:18:46"How long, Sheila?!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:50"As soon as she's finished her pasty."
0:18:52 > 0:18:56"Meanwhile, please press one for huge, worrying lumps..."
0:18:58 > 0:19:00"..two for inexplicable flatulence..."
0:19:02 > 0:19:06"..three for grumbling groins, back passage bother...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"and all enquiries for Washing Machine World."
0:19:10 > 0:19:14"Please note that we are no longer dealing with diarrhoea or gonorrhoea,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18"as these are causing repetitive strain injury in the girls typing the invoices."
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"You are now through to huge, worrying lumps.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30"Please state your symptoms in no more than three short words.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"Please speak slowly and clearly, and if it's something embarrassing,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"then speak up, because there'll be lots of us listening."
0:19:39 > 0:19:43"Please state your symptoms in no more than three short words after the beep. Beep."
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"Pain, lump, tired."
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"Please repeat."
0:19:47 > 0:19:48"Pain, lump, tired."
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"Thank you. So sorry to hear
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"you are suffering from, 'pain, lump, tired'."
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"Please hold the line. We're connecting you to an expert who is
0:20:03 > 0:20:05"specially trained to deal with, 'pain, lump, tired'."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11And then a real person comes on the line.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"Hello? Oh, yes, hello, I'm looking at your problem now,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"I've got my computer up and running. Now just a few questions.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18"Tell me, how long have you had it?"
0:20:18 > 0:20:21"About a year." "About a year? And do you wear an under-wired bra?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:25"Yes." "And have you noticed a wire gone missing?"
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"No." "And since you've had the problem,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34"have you tried jamming your hand in and seeing if anything moves round?"
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"No."
0:20:36 > 0:20:38"Because often what happens, you see, is a wire comes loose
0:20:38 > 0:20:41"from your bra, gets stuck in the drum and then it can't spin."
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I thought, "Right, I've had enough of this now. I feel so bad,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54"I'm going to take myself down the hill, I'm going to go to hospital,
0:20:54 > 0:20:55"I'm going to go to Casualty."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Now, I've never been to Casualty before, but I think, "Well, it's all right."
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You know, I've seen ER on television. I think as soon as
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I get there, I'll be on a stretcher, they'll run at me, they'll be cutting up the sides of my trousers.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06You know, because they do that in ER all the time,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08even if somebody's only looking for the antenatal clinic.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"Oh, they're on me!"
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Anyway, I got in there and it wasn't quite like ER.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It was like these two grumpy women at the table, and they went, "Yes?"
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I said, "Oh, I've got this really bad pain."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"Where?" I said, "Well, sort of here."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23She said, "Oh, abdominal. I'll put leg, I can't spell abdominal."
0:21:27 > 0:21:31She says, "You'll have to wait," so I'm sitting in Casualty
0:21:31 > 0:21:35and I'm next to this really, really mad, rough-looking woman with no teeth,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37who's out of her head on something.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41And she keeps looking at me, going, "Hey, Pam Ayres, hey!"
0:21:44 > 0:21:47And she's knocking something back out of a bottle, something purple.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I think probably meths, I'm guessing not Ribena Toothkind.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52And then on my other side,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I've got this poor man who's got a Dustbuster jammed up his bottom.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03He says he was hoovering the back of his boxer shorts and he fell over,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I don't know, I don't know.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Anyway, every time he gets up and we have to move to another chair, it sets it off. "Wahey!"
0:22:15 > 0:22:19So we're sat there for hours and hours, there's nothing to do, there's nothing to read.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21All we've got, we've got, like, a big television bolted to the wall
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and it's showing this hospital information film over and over again,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26"Taking care of hospital crutches."
0:22:26 > 0:22:28So I'm just sitting there, "Hey, Pam Ayres!" Bzzzz!
0:22:28 > 0:22:32And I'm thinking, "Who is that voice-over? It sounds like Susan Hampshire."
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"Taking care of hospital crutches. Hospital crutches are not a toy."
0:22:35 > 0:22:36"Hey, Pam Ayres!" Bzzzz!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm thinking, "Is it Susan Hampshire or is it Hannah Gordon?"
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"Taking care of hospital crutches.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"Hospital crutches are not a Dustbuster, they must not be jammed up your bottom."
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Yeah, I told you that. Anyway, I get called through
0:22:46 > 0:22:48and I'm going through to see the nurse.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I have to go pass reception and I look round the corner,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53and there she is, Hannah Gordon with a microphone,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55"Taking care of hospital crutches."
0:22:55 > 0:22:56And I go through and I see this nurse,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58and by the time I get to see the nurse, I have got a really,
0:22:58 > 0:23:02really bad pain and my hands have gone into spasm, like this, and I can't move anything.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06This nurse says, "Right, you need a painkiller." She said, "Can you take paracetamol?"
0:23:06 > 0:23:07I said, "Only crushed up in jam, sorry."
0:23:07 > 0:23:10And she said, "Well, the quickest thing I can give you,
0:23:10 > 0:23:11"I can give you a painkiller in a suppository.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14"Do you know what one is?" And I just went, "Ah!" I didn't know what one was.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17A suppository, I mean, I was guessing it wasn't somewhere
0:23:17 > 0:23:20where you stored furniture, but I didn't know what it was.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Anyway, so she gives me this thing that's like the last sweet in the bag of Liquorice Allsorts,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and she says, "You know, you can put it where you like, within reason."
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I thought, "Well, I'll put it behind my ear, that's all right."
0:23:29 > 0:23:32She tells me what to do with it and says, "You can go in that "disabled toilet,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"and put it in in there." I said, "What disabled toilet?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:36She said, "That toilet over there." I said, "Oh, is that disabled?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:40She said, "It wasn't, but somebody smashed it with a sledgehammer last night."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So I go in and I can't move my hands.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46I can't even get my trousers undone. I've got these button-fly Levi's
0:23:46 > 0:23:48and they're really tight, because I've got this huge lump here.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I think, maybe I'll go whack and they might go ping, ping, ping, ping.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54And I could go shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, and I could, like, throw it up and...
0:23:54 > 0:23:57No, I can't do that.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I think if only I was one of those girls from the sex shows in Bangkok.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04You know those girls that can take off the top of a bottle,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06you know the one? No?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10He's laughing, she's not, OK.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19"I thought you were in Weston-Super-Mare - how dare you?!"
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I thought that they'd find it really easy, wouldn't they? Those girls, they would just go whack,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25ping, ping, ping, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, up. But, you know,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I'm not from Bangkok, the sex capital of the world.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I'm from greater Manchester, the chip capital of the world,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34which is why all the sex shows are in Bangkok and all the chip shops are in greater Manchester.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Because if all the sex shows were in greater Manchester, there would just be girls with their coats on,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41with a chip pan, going, "Because I'm not in the mood, now leave it!"
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Anyway, I can't do it, so I think I'm going to have to ask a nurse,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53so I'm poking my head through the door hoping that a nurse will be going past and I can't see anybody,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I can just see a male nurse down the end of the corridor.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57I think, "That's all right. A male nurse is a nurse,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00"they're trained the same way. It doesn't make any difference."
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I'm thinking, "Is it a nurse?" I'm not sure what they wear.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04He's got, like, a pale blue shirt on and epaulettes and an ID thing.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Anyway, he comes to do it for me.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I see him a week later, driving a bus, but, anyway...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Anyway, so I get my painkiller and then I feel marvellous then,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17and I'm all for going home, and they said, "No, no, no,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"you don't go home now, we have to find out what it was."
0:25:19 > 0:25:22They said, "We'll have to do an internal examination.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"Do you mind if we bring in 16 students?"
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I said, "Well, it depends what they are students of.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"If it's mechanical engineering, yes, I do mind."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32She said, "What we can do, if you don't want a whole load of people coming in your room,"
0:25:32 > 0:25:35she said, "We got the new technology now, we've got this tiny,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38"tiny, tiny little miniaturised camera on the end of this flexible cable
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"and we put that up inside, that takes pictures,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42"that goes through to a video monitor in another room,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"nobody needs to come in." I said, "All right, do that."
0:25:45 > 0:25:48So the only person that's got to come in is the man that's got to put the camera in.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49So in comes this poor man who's got to do it,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and he's so embarrassed when he sees me, he can't look me in the face,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55which doesn't matter, because it's not my face he has to look me in, but...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58But he's trying to put it in without looking, so he's like this.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02So he's looking one way, I'm looking that way, I'm not looking at him,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I'm looking like I've got nothing below the waist at all, like this.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And he feels obliged to have a conversation with me.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12You know, it's a bit like the dentist, whenever the dentist put that sucky tube in your mouth,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15they always say, "Where are you going for your holidays?"
0:26:15 > 0:26:16And you go, "Ibiza."
0:26:16 > 0:26:19So he's looking like this, chatting away, says, "I see there
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"was another accident in the high street the other day."
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"Oh, was there?" "You know, that rather dangerous corner
0:26:24 > 0:26:25"where the buses pull out near the pub."
0:26:25 > 0:26:29"Oh, yes, I know where you mean." "What we really need is a big sign, danger, concealed entrance."
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"Oh, where would you put it?" "Oh, I see what you mean..."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Anyway, he puts the camera in, takes the pictures, back I go to Casualty.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I'm sitting with my friends, "Hey, Pam Ayres!"
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Bzzzz! And I said to them, "What are we watching on the television now?
0:26:41 > 0:26:45"This isn't 'Taking care of hospital crutches', what is this on the television now?"
0:26:45 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Well, they get the results from that and they send me down to the women's clinic.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02So I'm sitting in the women's clinic and I'm thinking, "Well,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05"I never knew there was so many ways for women to fall to pieces."
0:27:05 > 0:27:09They're all sitting there, they've got their bosoms hanging out, pelvic floors dangling.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14There's a woman with her cervix in a margarine tub, like this.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23And she's going, "I took it out to wash it,
0:27:23 > 0:27:24"I couldn't get it back in."
0:27:30 > 0:27:34And there's a very select group of women, all with fibroids,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36all vying with each other to see who's got the biggest one.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"How big was yours? Did the doctor say?"
0:27:38 > 0:27:39"Yes, as big as a satsuma."
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"Oh, mine was as big as a grapefruit."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"Oh, Spanish or Californian?"
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Anyway, so they do another scan and they get the results from that,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49and they say I can't go home, I have to go up to the ward for the night.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52So I'm up to the ward, terrible pain, hands like this, and they say,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"We're really sorry, we can't give you a sleeping pill, it's too late."
0:27:55 > 0:27:59But luckily, the two women in the two next beds to me are having a very long conversation
0:27:59 > 0:28:03about how they went to see Elaine Paige at the London Palladium in The King and I,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05and all those lovely little Siamese children...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Anyway, so I was asleep quite quickly.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10I'd been asleep for about seven minutes, in comes the consultant,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13on goes the light, dicky bow, 16 students behind him, washed his hands,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16rubber glove, hand in, he said, "Now, what we'll do..."
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I said, "Excuse me,"
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I said, "I don't expect you to take me out to dinner before you do that,
0:28:24 > 0:28:28"but, you know, hello would be nice."
0:28:28 > 0:28:30To which he took no notice, he said, "Now what we'll do,
0:28:30 > 0:28:32"we'll take away the uterus, the ovaries, the cervix,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"ribs, might as well while we're there,
0:28:34 > 0:28:35"spleen, never knew what that was for,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37"ginger highlights, see you in the morning."
0:28:39 > 0:28:41I thought, "No, I can't stay here." I was a bit worried anyway,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44I was a bit worried about sleeping in the ward overnight,
0:28:44 > 0:28:45because I talk in my sleep
0:28:45 > 0:28:49and I didn't want to end up as "end of part one" on You've Been Framed.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51So I thought, "Well, I'll check myself out,"
0:28:51 > 0:28:53because I'm sure I've got private health insurance
0:28:53 > 0:28:57I took out years and years ago, and I've never had to use it, and I'm not sure who it's with,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00because every insurance company I've ever been with has been bought up by a bigger company.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03So I go home, and I'm sorting through all my bills,
0:29:03 > 0:29:04it's very confusing now,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06because I get my water from the electricity board now.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09I think that's dangerous, though, don't you?
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Anyway, so I make a few phone calls and it turns out,
0:29:12 > 0:29:15once I've been re-routed via a few gay chatrooms,
0:29:15 > 0:29:19that my health insurance is now with Kentucky Fried Chicken.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25But that's all right, they say they'll cover all my costs and throw in a party bucket and dips,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28so I'm quite happy. So I'm lying there the next week, waiting for my operation,
0:29:28 > 0:29:31this little tiny private room, and I'm just lying there,
0:29:31 > 0:29:33I've got about half an hour to go before they take me away,
0:29:33 > 0:29:35and I've got a television up on the wall,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37and I'm watching a Channel 5 documentary -
0:29:37 > 0:29:38When Operations Go Wrong.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41And it's all about, you know,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44people who have gone in for a normal varicose vein operation
0:29:44 > 0:29:47and they end up having their bladder re-routed by some maniac
0:29:47 > 0:29:49that's come up from the boiler room and put a mask on.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53The anaesthetist comes in to talk to me and he says, "Is there anything you're worried about?"
0:29:53 > 0:29:56And I said, "Well, yes, I've just seen this thing." I said,
0:29:56 > 0:29:58"I'm worried I'm going to wake up in the middle of my operation,
0:29:58 > 0:30:01"you know, paralysed, in terrible pain, unable to speak or move,
0:30:01 > 0:30:04"with all my bits in a bowl on the sideboard, and somebody going,
0:30:04 > 0:30:06"'Read me them instructions again, Joanne.'"
0:30:06 > 0:30:08And he said, "That can't happen now."
0:30:08 > 0:30:11He said, "We've got a new drug, "that can't happen."
0:30:11 > 0:30:13I said, "What, I can't wake up?"
0:30:13 > 0:30:16He said, "No, you can wake up." "What, I won't be paralysed?"
0:30:16 > 0:30:18He said, "No, you will be." "What, I won't be in terrible pain?"
0:30:18 > 0:30:20He said, "No, you will be." I said, "What does the new drug do?"
0:30:20 > 0:30:23"Well, it's an amnesiac drug - if something goes wrong, you won't remember it,
0:30:23 > 0:30:25"you won't know anything about it." I said, "Well,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27"if I start weeing out of my left armpit
0:30:27 > 0:30:29"I might notice something's gone wrong."
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Anyway, so he goes, and then in comes the man that's going to do the operation.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35He says to me, "Where would you like me to put your scar?"
0:30:35 > 0:30:38I said, "Look, I don't know, where do you usually put it?"
0:30:38 > 0:30:40He said, "Well, we do what we call a bikini-line incision."
0:30:40 > 0:30:43He said, "Do you wear a bikini?" I said, "Oh, come on..."
0:30:45 > 0:30:49I said, "I didn't take my coat off on a beach until I was 37."
0:30:51 > 0:30:54He said, "We try and make sure that it sort of ends up
0:30:54 > 0:30:57"being covered by your underwear. Where do your pants come to?"
0:31:00 > 0:31:02I said, "It depends, you know?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04"It depends where I am in my menstrual cycle,
0:31:04 > 0:31:06"where I am in my laundry cycle, you know?"
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Different pants for different moods, with me.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15M&S, BHS, C&A, PMT - that's how I do it.
0:31:15 > 0:31:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:22 > 0:31:26And he said, "Well, we try and make sure it ends up being covered by your pubic hair."
0:31:26 > 0:31:30I said, "Well, you can do it there, but I'll bleed to death."
0:31:34 > 0:31:37So he goes away and I've got about half an hour to go before
0:31:37 > 0:31:39they come to take me away, so I'm trying to think it through.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41I'm thinking, "OK, so they take away your uterus,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43"so you can't have any more children."
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Well, that's all right, you know, I was 48, I wasn't expecting to have any more,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48but if somebody tells me I can't do something,
0:31:48 > 0:31:50I have to find a way to do it then.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52I was thinking, if I wanted to have a baby, how could I have a baby?
0:31:52 > 0:31:55I think, well, I've still got my ovaries, so I've still got my eggs,
0:31:55 > 0:31:58all I need to do is to get my eggs and get them implanted into the womb
0:31:58 > 0:32:01of another woman. I'm watching Friends at the time, and thinking,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04I wouldn't get them implanted into the womb of any of those girls off Friends,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07because they're too thin and neurotic-looking, aren't they?
0:32:07 > 0:32:10You imagine a poor old foetus going, "For God's sake, breathe out!"
0:32:11 > 0:32:13So I changed channel to Oprah Winfrey, I think, "Yes,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16"I could get my eggs implanted into the womb of Oprah Winfrey."
0:32:16 > 0:32:18She's a nice, big, sturdy, sensible-looking woman.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21I think, all I've got to do now is get some sperm from somewhere,
0:32:21 > 0:32:22which could be a bit awkward,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24because my husband's had a vasectomy.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Didn't tell me, the bloody liar,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28said he was going to the garden centre, thank you.
0:32:30 > 0:32:31I think, well,
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I could have a bit of a fling with the man in the corner shop,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37because he's very attractive. We could have like a big smooch
0:32:37 > 0:32:39and at the last minute, I could whip out a yoghurt pot.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47It could be awkward, though, couldn't it?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50The next morning, when I'm popping in for my bran flakes. "Morning!"
0:32:50 > 0:32:53I think what I would need to do, really, what would be better,
0:32:53 > 0:32:54I should do what a lot of people do,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56I could get some sperm off a gay man.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59You see, that would be better, because they wouldn't expect
0:32:59 > 0:33:00any emotional commitment, you know,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03and they might pop in a Dusty Springfield impression,
0:33:03 > 0:33:04might make the bed afterwards.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Anyway, I've got about ten minutes to go before they come to take me away
0:33:07 > 0:33:10and I'm just thinking, all right, so they take away your uterus,
0:33:10 > 0:33:12so what's left? Is it just like a big hole?
0:33:12 > 0:33:14I mean, am I supposed to put something in there, you know,
0:33:14 > 0:33:16like an ornament or something like that?
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Pot pourri, what? Nobody's said.
0:33:20 > 0:33:21And, like, does it affect your sex life?
0:33:21 > 0:33:24You know, what happens afterwards? Does your husband's penis panic
0:33:24 > 0:33:26and say, "Go back, it's too big, it's too big!"
0:33:35 > 0:33:37I've got so much to worry about. I've got to fill up a big hole,
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I've still got to give pleasure to my husband, how can I do both?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42I think, well, I could pop in a sausage sandwich
0:33:42 > 0:33:44and a picture of Charlie Dimmock, that would probably do it.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Well, they come to take me away for the operation and what I didn't realise,
0:33:52 > 0:33:56because I've never had an operation, they don't take you straight into the operating theatre
0:33:56 > 0:33:59because they don't want you to see them clearing up from the operation before,
0:33:59 > 0:34:03going, "Oh, no wonder he never responded to oxygen, never had it turned on. Oh, well."
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Anyway, I come round after the operation and this nurse says to me,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"You don't have to get up, you don't have to do anything,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14"you've got a catheter in and it's draining away to something under the bed, don't worry about it."
0:34:14 > 0:34:18I said, "I'd rather get up." "No, there's a catheter in, draining away to something under the bed."
0:34:18 > 0:34:20I'm thinking, "To WHAT under the bed? What is it?"
0:34:20 > 0:34:24And I can hear this woman going, "Leanne, have you seen my mop bucket?"
0:34:24 > 0:34:26They say, "All right." They take the catheter out and say,
0:34:26 > 0:34:30"All right, you can get up and go to the bathroom now." I get up, the first time in two days,
0:34:30 > 0:34:32and I'm stood there, looking at myself in the mirror.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34I'm thinking, "For God's sake, what do you look like?"
0:34:34 > 0:34:36I've got no bra on, J-cloth knickers.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42I've got this terrible hospital gown, all flowery,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45like a 1960s housecoat. I've not washed my hair for two days.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47It's gone all flat and the brown bits are showing through.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I've not got my contact lenses in. I've got my glasses on, which are years old.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52I'm just stood there thinking, "For God's sake.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56"You didn't look so bad when you came in. You've turned into Olive from On The Buses!"
0:35:01 > 0:35:05And I'm thinking, "I must get my own pyjamas on and then I'll feel a bit more like myself,"
0:35:05 > 0:35:07but I don't see how to get my gown off because, on this hand,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09I've got a needle in the back of my hand with a drip
0:35:09 > 0:35:11going up to this big drip stand on wheels
0:35:11 > 0:35:13with a big bag of morphine on it.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Cos when I came round from the operation they said,
0:35:15 > 0:35:17"If you need any pain relief, you press this little button
0:35:17 > 0:35:20"and you'll get a measured dose of morphine every six minutes."
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Well, I thought she meant you HAD to have it every six minutes.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31That was a long night! Anyway, so...
0:35:31 > 0:35:34So I get my gown off this arm and I get it down the front,
0:35:34 > 0:35:37and then I get it down this arm, over the needle,
0:35:37 > 0:35:41up the cable, onto the top of the drip stand.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44Then I'm stark naked and it's dressed up as me!
0:35:50 > 0:35:52So I get my pyjamas on and the nurses come in.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55They're so nice. They say, "You're doing so well - you're dressed,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58"you're up. You're doing better than anybody else on this whole floor."
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Cos everybody on my floor's had the same operation on the same day.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04They said, "You're doing really well. Why not take a walk up and down the corridor? Go on."
0:36:04 > 0:36:07So I'm walking up and down the corridor like this...
0:36:07 > 0:36:11I can see into all the other rooms with the women who had the same operation - all the doors are open.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15And all these other women are hoovering and painting the ceiling!
0:36:17 > 0:36:21I'm so cross. Anyway, so I get home, and when I get home I think,
0:36:21 > 0:36:23"I've really got to have a look at my scar,"
0:36:23 > 0:36:26cos I especially avoided looking at it all the time I've been in hospital
0:36:26 > 0:36:28cos I was a bit too scared to look at it.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30I think, "What I'll do, I'll unpack my bag from hospital,
0:36:30 > 0:36:32"put on my pyjamas, and then I'll have a look at it."
0:36:32 > 0:36:37So I unpack my bag and I've got my pyjama trousers but I haven't got my pyjama jacket. I've left it behind.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39I really like it, so I phone the hospital and say, "I'm really sorry.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42"I've just checked myself out and I think I left my pyjamas."
0:36:42 > 0:36:44She says, "Tell me what operation - I'll call you back."
0:36:44 > 0:36:47So I tell her and she calls me back and says, "What floor was it?
0:36:47 > 0:36:49"What ward was it? What operation? What are you missing?"
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I said, "It's floor ten, ward three, hysterectomy, pyjama jacket."
0:36:52 > 0:36:55"All right, I'll call you back." Bit later, the laundry phones
0:36:55 > 0:36:57and says, "We think we've got what you want. Ward three, floor ten,
0:36:57 > 0:36:59"hysterectomy, missing item. Sending it up now."
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Up comes this taxi, refrigerated box -
0:37:02 > 0:37:03not my pyjamas, my uterus!
0:37:03 > 0:37:04No, no, no...
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Yes, I know we have to stop.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12I know. I know we have to have an interval. They're like this. I know.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Sorry, I'm getting like Ken Dodd. I can't come off! Anyway...
0:37:16 > 0:37:20So I get changed. I think, "I'll have a look at it," and it's not as bad as I thought, actually.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22I thought they shaved the whole thing, but they didn't -
0:37:22 > 0:37:24they just shaved a little strip across here.
0:37:24 > 0:37:28It's like they've shaved a bit and gone, "Come on, Maureen, half past six - karaoke. Come on."
0:37:29 > 0:37:32There's, like, a really bald bit across here
0:37:32 > 0:37:34and the rest is just sort of hanging down, you know.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38No, cos I've more or less let it go, you know, the previous few weeks.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42No, cos normally I try and keep up with it a bit, you know.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45I chop the odd chunk off now and again.
0:37:49 > 0:37:50You know, with the nail scissors.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52LAUGHTER
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Oh, not just me, then! Ha-ha!
0:38:00 > 0:38:02No, I do, I chop bits off, and...
0:38:02 > 0:38:05then I don't know what to do with them, so I put them out the window.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16No, cos when I was little and we used to clean our hairbrushes,
0:38:16 > 0:38:20my mum used to say, "Put the hair out of the window, cos then the birds can make their nests..."
0:38:29 > 0:38:31There's some very annoyed birds where I live!
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Tapping on the window, going, "Do you mind?
0:38:36 > 0:38:39"Can we stick to twigs? People are talking."
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Yes, I'm just coming. Anyway, so...
0:38:43 > 0:38:45So I look at it, and what it is is, like, a really bald bit
0:38:45 > 0:38:47and then the scar, actually, is not that bad.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50It's like a little thin mouth, like this.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53And if I twitch my stomach muscles at the side, I can make it go up.
0:38:58 > 0:38:59I think, "Who does it look like?"
0:38:59 > 0:39:03It's like a little mouth, stubbly chin and sidies coming down here.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05"Who does it remind me of?" I think, If I had tweed knickers on,
0:39:05 > 0:39:08"it would look like John McCririck from Channel 4 Racing."
0:39:11 > 0:39:14I'm just coming. I've just got to tell you this, though.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17I'm so annoyed, actually, cos it's all grown back now
0:39:17 > 0:39:18and the way it's come out,
0:39:18 > 0:39:21my scar is just above where my pubic hair comes to.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24I'm having to do so much backcombing of a morning now.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Luckily, Nicky Clarke does a lovely pubic mousse, but...
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Look, do you want to have a look?
0:39:49 > 0:39:51MUSIC PLAYS
0:39:51 > 0:39:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Oh, thank you, thank you.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03What a welcome.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09There must be northern people in this audience tonight.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:13 > 0:40:16The atmosphere is so warm.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I'm just getting these warm wafts coming up.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Talk about "on the wings of love".
0:40:23 > 0:40:27I am floating two foot in the air, I really am. It's unbelievable.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Oh, I'm filling up now. What am I like?
0:40:32 > 0:40:34So many people. Hi, Marion.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36God! Not seen you for about 15 years.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38How are you? You look gorgeous.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39Are you still a prostitute?
0:40:42 > 0:40:44What? A cashier? Oh, lovely.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Which bank? Barclays?
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Aw. AUDIENCE MEMBER CACKLES
0:40:53 > 0:40:55That's a short skirt. Are you moonlighting?
0:40:56 > 0:41:00I don't think Nick's had sex for a few nights. Give him a discount.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04I can't believe I'm in this hall with all you lovely people.
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Oh, there's my mum. Love you, Mum.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Put your knees together.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11No, but what a year I have had.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14I mean, a year ago I was nobody.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18Yes, I was gifted. Yes, I was gorgeous.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22But, basically, nobody knew who the Kentucky Fried Fricking Chicken I was.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24PHONE BLEEPS
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Oh, text message.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29SHE CHUCKLES
0:41:29 > 0:41:30Anyway...
0:41:33 > 0:41:37To plunge into a little Lancashire idiom, last year I was nobody,
0:41:37 > 0:41:42I had nothing and, as we say, I didn't have a pot to piss in.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46No, I'm not trying to be offensive when I say that. We speak as we find in Radcliffe.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49I did not have a pot to piss in, did I, Mum?
0:41:49 > 0:41:52A pot to piss in, I did not have.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56If somebody'd come to me for a pot, wanting a piss,
0:41:56 > 0:41:57I couldn't help them.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Pot-wise, piss-wise...
0:42:04 > 0:42:06I was nowhere.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09No piss, no pot - that was me, big time.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11Anyway, it's a nice little expression, isn't it?
0:42:11 > 0:42:14We've got those sayings like that, haven't we, Mum?
0:42:14 > 0:42:15What did we use to say to my dad?
0:42:15 > 0:42:19"Don't leave your teeth in the bed. My bum's bad enough as it is."
0:42:21 > 0:42:22And my own particular favourite...
0:42:22 > 0:42:27"If you think you'll have a shag, pop a johnny in your bag."
0:42:31 > 0:42:34But what a fantastic chance for me.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37There I am singing on our luxury liner, The Watery Queen,
0:42:37 > 0:42:40on comes this docu-soap crew, and I didn't realise what a chance it was,
0:42:40 > 0:42:43you know. I was quite ambivalatious about them.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47I said to them, "You can film me, if you like."
0:42:47 > 0:42:51I said, "I've got nothing to hide." I said to them, "I am what I am.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53"And what I am needs no excuses."
0:42:53 > 0:42:56That is a line from a song from my favourite, favourite,
0:42:56 > 0:42:59fabulous all-time show, Cage Aux Folles.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02It's a gorgeous show. It's French. It's about these...
0:43:02 > 0:43:03It's about these two gay frogs.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Oh, no, sorry - we're not allowed to say that.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07It's about these two French poofs and, er...
0:43:09 > 0:43:11No, I love... I love gay people.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13I couldn't be a gay man, though, could you?
0:43:13 > 0:43:15I couldn't face all that ironing.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19But what a fantastic chance for me.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21And I am truly grateful.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23That's one of our mottos, isn't it, Mum?
0:43:23 > 0:43:25"Longitude or latitude,
0:43:25 > 0:43:28"my attitude is gratitude."
0:43:31 > 0:43:34And that has got us through some very sticky situations, hasn't it, Mum?
0:43:34 > 0:43:38Last year when my dad was arrested, charged with insulting behaviour,
0:43:38 > 0:43:40liable to cause a breach of the peace -
0:43:40 > 0:43:45ie running into Sainsbury's stark bollock naked, shouting, "Your Jaffa cakes are crap..."
0:43:47 > 0:43:50..and he had to be led into court with a blanket over his head,
0:43:50 > 0:43:52I said to my mum, "No, come on, be fair."
0:43:52 > 0:43:53I said, "Attitude is gratitude.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56"Let's be grateful we've got a bloody blanket."
0:43:56 > 0:43:59Anyway, I'm going to finish this part of the show now with a little song.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02I think you can all guess what type of song it's going to be.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05I am becoming known for my big ballads.
0:44:10 > 0:44:14This song is written for, and is dedicated to,
0:44:14 > 0:44:16my fiance, Sven.
0:44:16 > 0:44:17Lars! God!
0:44:18 > 0:44:22What am I like, getting my engagements mixed up now? Sven was another cruise altogether.
0:44:22 > 0:44:26Lars, who I met recently in a chip shop in Brindisi.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29We were being filmed at the time and he hutched up against me in the queue,
0:44:29 > 0:44:32so I think the whole world knows my first words to him were,
0:44:32 > 0:44:36"Would you mind not shoving my arse? We're all waiting on battered saveloys."
0:44:37 > 0:44:40Since which time, of course, we've had a whirlwind romance.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42We've become engaged, we're buying a big house together
0:44:42 > 0:44:45just outside Huddersfield, with a granny annexe for my mother
0:44:45 > 0:44:47and a secure unit for my father.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49And, er...
0:44:49 > 0:44:53you know, we've only known each other ten days, but as I said to...
0:44:53 > 0:44:55him, I said,
0:44:55 > 0:44:57"This was meant to be.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59"This was written in the stars.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02"This was our destination."
0:45:02 > 0:45:04Because before I met him, I was quite...
0:45:04 > 0:45:07I was quite soft on the outside
0:45:07 > 0:45:10but quite hard and cold on the inside.
0:45:10 > 0:45:12A bit like an Arctic roll.
0:45:15 > 0:45:19And so I'd like to dedicate this song to my fiance -
0:45:19 > 0:45:22I will get his bloody name right, Lars, Lars, Lars -
0:45:22 > 0:45:25with thanks for all his care and his love and his dedication.
0:45:25 > 0:45:30Plus I must say, he is absolutely top-notch in the underpants department.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33This song is called Filling My World.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37LAUGHTER
0:45:38 > 0:45:40Are you from Barclays as well?
0:45:43 > 0:45:45Cos that is what he has done for me.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47Filling My World.
0:45:53 > 0:45:54# I was lost, I was cold
0:45:54 > 0:45:58# Oh, my life was a mockery
0:45:58 > 0:46:02# Had no future, no past and no colour but grey
0:46:03 > 0:46:09# Stood alone like a gnome not at home in a rockery
0:46:09 > 0:46:12# When you came Sent that same grey away
0:46:14 > 0:46:19# I was sad, I was dead I was Emily Bronte
0:46:19 > 0:46:24# Always looking for love in the mists on the moor
0:46:24 > 0:46:30# But my heart held a shard of dead-hard diamante
0:46:30 > 0:46:34# Till your knob did the job on my door
0:46:35 > 0:46:38# You
0:46:38 > 0:46:43# Lightened my life and you frightened my demons away
0:46:43 > 0:46:44# You heighten my feelings
0:46:44 > 0:46:48# My bust is on fire night and day
0:46:48 > 0:46:50# What can I say?
0:46:50 > 0:46:55# Since you gave my arse that shove... #
0:46:55 > 0:46:57Duh-duh-duh. Get it next time.
0:46:57 > 0:47:02# There's blue in the sky above
0:47:02 > 0:47:04# Filling my world
0:47:04 > 0:47:08# Filling my world with love
0:47:12 > 0:47:18# I had nothing, had no-one to even get pissed with
0:47:18 > 0:47:23# Lived my life like a fool on a hill or a cloud
0:47:23 > 0:47:29# Out of place as Anne Robinson in Aberystwyth
0:47:29 > 0:47:32# When you came My defences were down... #
0:47:32 > 0:47:34MUSICAL FLOURISH Ooh, I like that!
0:47:34 > 0:47:40# Life was dull, life was cheap Like the programmes on Carlton
0:47:40 > 0:47:44# Always hoping for something exciting to start
0:47:44 > 0:47:49# But my love had grown bald and so, like Bobby Charlton
0:47:49 > 0:47:53# I combed across the top of my heart
0:47:55 > 0:47:57# But you
0:47:57 > 0:48:02# Lighted my dark, you ignited a spark deep inside
0:48:02 > 0:48:07# Requited a love in a heart that was unoccupied... #
0:48:07 > 0:48:08SHE GROWLS
0:48:08 > 0:48:10# I had nowhere to hide
0:48:10 > 0:48:15# Just with a single kiss... #
0:48:15 > 0:48:16Duh-duh-d... Thank you.
0:48:16 > 0:48:21# You plunged into my abyss
0:48:21 > 0:48:24# Filling my world
0:48:25 > 0:48:27# Filling my world
0:48:27 > 0:48:28# With bliss
0:48:32 > 0:48:34# Worshipped nothing and no-one
0:48:34 > 0:48:37# Had no god or totem
0:48:38 > 0:48:43# There was literally no-one for whom I could care
0:48:43 > 0:48:48# Then last Feb on the web I caught sight of your scrotum
0:48:49 > 0:48:53# As I looked, I was hooked then and there
0:48:53 > 0:48:56# But you... # SHE MISSES HIGH NOTE
0:48:56 > 0:49:01# Lighten my lumps and you heighten my bumps like a dream
0:49:01 > 0:49:06# You whiten the pumps of my life like Meltonian cream
0:49:06 > 0:49:08# Until I could scream
0:49:08 > 0:49:14# You're King in a world of Kongs
0:49:14 > 0:49:19# A big pants in a world of thongs
0:49:19 > 0:49:21# Filling my world... #
0:49:21 > 0:49:23Let's go for a key change. Go up.
0:49:23 > 0:49:25# Filling my wor...
0:49:25 > 0:49:28# You
0:49:28 > 0:49:33# Your eyes are the size of the fries at the Hollywood Bowl
0:49:33 > 0:49:38# It's not a surprise that you managed to fill up the hole
0:49:38 > 0:49:41# That's deep in my soul
0:49:41 > 0:49:46# When faced with a clitoris
0:49:46 > 0:49:52# You don't go, "Oh, cripes, what's this?"
0:49:52 > 0:49:53# Filling my world... #
0:49:53 > 0:49:55Let's go for another one. Go up a bit.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57# Filling my w...
0:49:57 > 0:50:00# You... # It's too high!
0:50:00 > 0:50:01# You conquer my mountains
0:50:01 > 0:50:05LOW-PITCHED: # You fill up my fountains with coins
0:50:05 > 0:50:07VARYING PITCH: # Times without counting I'm lost
0:50:07 > 0:50:10# In the lust of your loins
0:50:10 > 0:50:13# A groin amongst groins
0:50:13 > 0:50:15# The minute we kissed
0:50:15 > 0:50:18# I knew
0:50:18 > 0:50:22# Right there in that chip-shop queue... #
0:50:22 > 0:50:23SHE SNORTS
0:50:23 > 0:50:26# I'd be filling my world... #
0:50:26 > 0:50:27Big finish.
0:50:27 > 0:50:29# Filling my world... # Big long note.
0:50:29 > 0:50:41# With you. #
0:50:41 > 0:50:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:50:57 > 0:50:59God! Give us a drink.
0:50:59 > 0:51:00No, just the vodka.
0:51:00 > 0:51:02Don't bother with the Orangina.
0:51:02 > 0:51:04Oh, God! Couldn't remember his flipping name on the keyboard.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06What's his name? Put my microphone back on.
0:51:06 > 0:51:08Oh, is it on? Ladies and gentlemen,
0:51:08 > 0:51:11will you please join me in thanking my musical director
0:51:11 > 0:51:16and keyboard player for this evening only, Mr Nicholas Gilbert?
0:51:16 > 0:51:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:30 > 0:51:34You know, I've been thinking about giving it up, you know, being a stand-up comedian.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36I was thinking about stopping doing it.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39- AUDIENCE:- No!- Oh!
0:51:39 > 0:51:41No, not tonight. I'll wait till you've gone home. But, er...
0:51:44 > 0:51:47No, I don't want to get too middle-aged to do it, you know,
0:51:47 > 0:51:49cos I've got really middle-aged lately.
0:51:49 > 0:51:51I can't read the paper. I'm doing this with the paper now.
0:51:51 > 0:51:56I can't really read it unless the woman in the house across the street holds it up at the bedroom window.
0:51:57 > 0:52:00And I can't read the A To Z. Can't read the small streets.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03If you don't live on a main road, I'm not coming to see you.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05And I can't thread a needle.
0:52:05 > 0:52:09One of my children changed schools a bit ago and I had all these name tags to sew on.
0:52:09 > 0:52:12I got the needle and I got the thread and I'm like this.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20I said, "Right, you're not going to that school now."
0:52:24 > 0:52:27No, but you don't want to get too old and out of touch to do it, do you?
0:52:27 > 0:52:31I don't want to do all that terrible boasting that people do when they get old.
0:52:31 > 0:52:33Like, if you ever see Raquel Welch on a chat show,
0:52:33 > 0:52:36she always has to say, "These are my own breasts, you know."
0:52:36 > 0:52:39I don't want to be coming on saying, "I've still got my own hips."
0:52:40 > 0:52:41I used to do a thing in my show -
0:52:41 > 0:52:43I used to say I knew when I was getting older
0:52:43 > 0:52:47when I went past a rack of Dr Scholl sandals and went, "Oh, they look comfy."
0:52:49 > 0:52:51Now I'm going past going, "Oh, too modern, too modern."
0:52:53 > 0:52:56It was a strange year for worrying, really,
0:52:56 > 0:52:58because when I came back from hospital they said to me,
0:52:58 > 0:53:00"You can't work for eight weeks,
0:53:00 > 0:53:03"you can't go to the gym, you can't exercise, you can't lift anything.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05"You can't do anything. You can't even do housework."
0:53:05 > 0:53:07I said, "I've got to do some housework." They said, "No.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10"If you need anything doing, you have to ask your husband to do it."
0:53:10 > 0:53:12I said, "Doctor, will I still be able to criticise?" They said yep.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Terrible for me, though. No housework!
0:53:17 > 0:53:21I love a bit of a poke round with a toilet brush first thing in the morning.
0:53:21 > 0:53:24Some people say that's not the best way to clean the teapot, but I don't care!
0:53:29 > 0:53:31My friends said to me, "What are you moaning about?
0:53:31 > 0:53:34"You get to lie on the bed. You can read any book you like."
0:53:34 > 0:53:36I said, "I can't read any book I like."
0:53:36 > 0:53:38I've got a whole stack of books I would like to read
0:53:38 > 0:53:40and every time I pick up one of mine,
0:53:40 > 0:53:43looking at me very reproachfully from the bedside table
0:53:43 > 0:53:46is my copy of Captain Corelli's frigging Mandolin.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Which I cannot be doing with.
0:53:53 > 0:53:55Every time I pick up one of mine it's looking at me going,
0:53:55 > 0:53:59"Ding-da-ding-ding-ding." So in the end I did not read anything.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02I thought, "I'll just lie here. I'll watch the TV. That's all I can do."
0:54:02 > 0:54:07I don't know if you've ever tried watching television throughout a whole day.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09Oh, it's draining. Just awful.
0:54:09 > 0:54:12I'd start about half past nine, once my children had gone to school.
0:54:12 > 0:54:14I started with a discussion programme,
0:54:14 > 0:54:17one of those whingeing programmes, like Trisha.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19And even with the sound off, they're depressing.
0:54:19 > 0:54:23You can see the captions. "I'm embarrassed by my dad's nose hair."
0:54:23 > 0:54:26"We haven't spoken for 30 years. We fell out over yogurt."
0:54:26 > 0:54:28So I always turn over then to the American ones
0:54:28 > 0:54:30and they're much, much worse - things like Jerry Springer.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34All these huge, horrible, dysfunctional people all thumping each other.
0:54:34 > 0:54:38You turn it on and think, "Who told those sumo wrestlers to wear those blouses?"
0:54:38 > 0:54:39"Oh, they're women!" They're women!
0:54:39 > 0:54:43They've all done really horrible things to each other and they're really proud of themselves.
0:54:43 > 0:54:47The woman's going, "So you actually made love with your sister's husband?" "Uh-huh."
0:54:48 > 0:54:50"And this was in a church?"
0:54:50 > 0:54:51"Uh-huh."
0:54:51 > 0:54:54"And this was during your mother's funeral?" "Uh-huh."
0:54:55 > 0:54:59Or there'll be some bloke sat there. "So, Frank, you cut off your own penis to win an argument?" "Uh!"
0:55:00 > 0:55:01"So you have no penis?"
0:55:01 > 0:55:03"No, but I won an argument." "Oh, good."
0:55:03 > 0:55:06They had a thing on mismatched couples.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09They had loads of these little teeny, wizened old men of about 99
0:55:09 > 0:55:13married to these huge girls of about 17 with huge silicone breasts.
0:55:13 > 0:55:16And I turned it over and there was one about women and boys
0:55:16 > 0:55:19and there was this woman of about 65 married to a boy of about 13
0:55:19 > 0:55:23and it said, "I'm 65, he's 13. He's the best lover I ever had."
0:55:23 > 0:55:25And then another one came on. "I'm 65, he's 13.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27"He's the best pimp I ever had."
0:55:27 > 0:55:29I'm sorry - whatever happened to,
0:55:29 > 0:55:31"I'm 65, he's 13. I'm his piano teacher"?
0:55:31 > 0:55:33Wouldn't that be nicer?
0:55:34 > 0:55:39And on Jerry Springer, any excuse to bring women on in their underwear.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41And on Jerry Springer, the bigger the better.
0:55:41 > 0:55:43There's always some item like,
0:55:43 > 0:55:46"My wife is too heavy for skimpy lingerie."
0:55:46 > 0:55:49And they say, "Well, let's have a look at her." On she comes. "Whoo!"
0:55:51 > 0:55:54And I'm thinking, "No, she is. She is too heavy."
0:55:57 > 0:56:01I'm thinking, "She'll not get that G-string off without a tyre lever."
0:56:03 > 0:56:05Then I have to turn back onto the main channels.
0:56:05 > 0:56:08In the middle of the morning, it's all makeover programmes.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10All your house programmes and your garden programmes.
0:56:10 > 0:56:12Then I'm just lying there racked with guilt.
0:56:12 > 0:56:14I'm thinking, "I shouldn't be lying here.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17"I should be tacking a bit of chicken wire over my kitchen cupboards.
0:56:18 > 0:56:22"I should be cutting wacky shapes in MDF and spraying them silver.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26"I should be nailing sheets of perforated zinc over my bathroom windows."
0:56:26 > 0:56:29I thought they only did that when you'd been evicted, but no.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32There's so many of them. There's too many of them.
0:56:32 > 0:56:36I used to really like it when there was just one garden makeover programme.
0:56:36 > 0:56:40There was just Ground Force. It used to be on BBC Two and nobody much watched it. I really liked that.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42They'd turn up to a little house and this poor bloke would be sent away
0:56:42 > 0:56:46on some pretext and then they'd go into this little overgrown back garden and - whoosh -
0:56:46 > 0:56:49two days later, it would all be just covered in planks.
0:56:51 > 0:56:53With one zinc bucket in the middle with a cactus in it.
0:56:55 > 0:56:58And this poor unsuspecting bugger would come back and go,
0:56:58 > 0:57:02"Oh, I've always wanted to sit on a load of two-by-one looking at a wet pebble."
0:57:06 > 0:57:10"By the way, where are my gooseberry bushes?"
0:57:10 > 0:57:12They're all over the place, these makeover programmes.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16And the people who present them are now considered to be stars in their own right,
0:57:16 > 0:57:18and they're not - most of them are just builders.
0:57:18 > 0:57:20The only difference between those builders and our builders
0:57:20 > 0:57:22is that those builders have turned up.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28I saw this terrible programme a bit ago
0:57:28 > 0:57:31and it was called All-Star Family Fortunes,
0:57:31 > 0:57:33and it had two teams. It was makeover people.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35It had a makeover team, a house team and a garden team,
0:57:35 > 0:57:37and you'd never heard of any of them.
0:57:37 > 0:57:38I thought, "I'm sorry - they're not stars."
0:57:38 > 0:57:41To me, stars are people like Madonna or Elizabeth Taylor.
0:57:41 > 0:57:45You can't be a star if your only claim to fame is that you've got your own spirit level.
0:57:47 > 0:57:48I think the worst programme I saw
0:57:48 > 0:57:51the whole time I was lying on the bed was this thing called
0:57:51 > 0:57:54Touch The Truck, which I don't think a lot of people saw.
0:57:54 > 0:57:57It was a truck, right?
0:57:57 > 0:57:59And there was a lot of people stood round touching it...
0:58:00 > 0:58:02..like, for a long time.
0:58:02 > 0:58:05And the last person left touching it got it.
0:58:06 > 0:58:09I'm probably making it sound more interesting than what it was, but...
0:58:12 > 0:58:14It was just a lot of people stood round a truck like this.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16They tried to make it interesting -
0:58:16 > 0:58:18they had a gay person, a black person, a homeless person,
0:58:18 > 0:58:21a person with a bad wrist. Ooh, they couldn't do it.
0:58:21 > 0:58:23And it wasn't even in a studio,
0:58:23 > 0:58:25so you didn't have a studio audience going, "Whoo!"
0:58:25 > 0:58:27It was in a shopping centre.
0:58:27 > 0:58:30So all you had is an audience with people going past going...
0:58:35 > 0:58:38They wouldn't stop, cos they'd come to do their shopping.
0:58:38 > 0:58:41They'd stop for a bit and then go, "Come on. Brown jacket, Marks's."
0:58:43 > 0:58:46You get some terrible, terrible adverts on in the afternoon
0:58:46 > 0:58:49and they're so depressing cos they're all aimed at people in debt.
0:58:51 > 0:58:54"Are you finding it difficult to get credit?
0:58:54 > 0:58:56"County Court Judgment?
0:58:56 > 0:58:58"Struggling with several small, manageable loans?
0:58:58 > 0:58:59"Let us lend you some money
0:58:59 > 0:59:02"and then you can struggle with one huge unmanageable loan."
0:59:05 > 0:59:08And there's always quite a few aimed at elderly people.
0:59:08 > 0:59:10"Would you like to release some capital?
0:59:10 > 0:59:13"Sell your house, bugger your grandchildren, go on."
0:59:14 > 0:59:17And there's always one for a stairlift in the afternoons.
0:59:17 > 0:59:20I love those. I would never be off my stairs if I had one of those.
0:59:20 > 0:59:22There's always another one.
0:59:22 > 0:59:25Have you seen this one? I don't know if it's just me.
0:59:25 > 0:59:28Have you seen the one with the bath that opens at the front?
0:59:31 > 0:59:33Am I missing something with that?
0:59:35 > 0:59:37It can't just be that you open it up,
0:59:37 > 0:59:39whoosh, rubber ducks all over the carpet!
0:59:41 > 0:59:43There must be some system
0:59:43 > 0:59:45whereby the water drains out, the door opens,
0:59:45 > 0:59:47you're sitting there. So instead of ruining your carpet,
0:59:47 > 0:59:49you get hypothermia, I suppose.
0:59:51 > 0:59:52The ones I really can't bear
0:59:52 > 0:59:55are the ones that encourage you to sue for compensation.
0:59:55 > 0:59:56You know the ones that say,
0:59:56 > 0:59:59"Have you had an injury and it wasn't your fault?
0:59:59 > 1:00:02"Have you been hit over the head with a brick?"
1:00:03 > 1:00:05"I was hit over the head with a brick.
1:00:05 > 1:00:06"I was awarded £3,000."
1:00:09 > 1:00:11"I chipped a front tooth on a piece of a neighbour's home-made flapjack.
1:00:11 > 1:00:13"I was awarded £5,000."
1:00:15 > 1:00:18"Somebody said my arse looked like the loading bay of Do It All.
1:00:18 > 1:00:19"I was awarded £10,000."
1:00:23 > 1:00:26"I opened my bath when it was still full, and flooded my carpet
1:00:26 > 1:00:28"and got nothing at all."
1:00:30 > 1:00:33But usually in the afternoons on Channel 5 there's a nice movie
1:00:33 > 1:00:35and they show the movie right the way through with no adverts,
1:00:35 > 1:00:38so I usually turn onto that. They're not terribly good movies.
1:00:38 > 1:00:41Some of them are American and they're usually starring girls
1:00:41 > 1:00:44who've got too old to be in Charlie's Angels.
1:00:44 > 1:00:46Or there's often that woman who used to be in Cagney And Lacey.
1:00:46 > 1:00:49I can't remember. Not the one that used to go, "Christine!"
1:00:49 > 1:00:50Not that one. The other one.
1:00:50 > 1:00:53Remember? I used to love her. "Christine!" I liked her.
1:00:53 > 1:00:54I could do that voice.
1:00:54 > 1:00:56The only other voice I've ever been able to do
1:00:56 > 1:00:59was Mrs Bridges from Upstairs Downstairs.
1:01:00 > 1:01:02"Oh, Ruby." I can do that.
1:01:06 > 1:01:08But lately on the television, they've had these terrible,
1:01:08 > 1:01:10terrible English thrillers.
1:01:10 > 1:01:12Murder mysteries from the mid 1970s, and they're just awful
1:01:12 > 1:01:14but they're very easy to follow.
1:01:14 > 1:01:17I'm not very good with plots, and they're usually set in London.
1:01:17 > 1:01:19They're about two girls looking for a flat to rent.
1:01:19 > 1:01:22They'll be looking through the paper and it'll say, "flats to rent".
1:01:22 > 1:01:24Good, I'm with it so far.
1:01:25 > 1:01:26And they look through the paper
1:01:26 > 1:01:28and one of them says, "Oh, this is a cheap flat.
1:01:28 > 1:01:31"Carlton Towers." And the other one goes, "Carlton Towers?
1:01:31 > 1:01:34"That's the block of flats where eight girls who looked
1:01:34 > 1:01:36"just like you have been murdered."
1:01:40 > 1:01:42And I think, "If that was me, I wouldn't even go and look at it,"
1:01:42 > 1:01:44you know?
1:01:44 > 1:01:46"It's all right. I'll stick on the inflatable bed
1:01:46 > 1:01:47"in my mum's front room."
1:01:47 > 1:01:50But they always go and have a look, don't they?
1:01:50 > 1:01:53And they have to duck under scene-of-crime tape to get in.
1:01:53 > 1:01:56There'll be bloody handprints dragging down the walls
1:01:56 > 1:02:00and a chalk silhouette of a dead girl on the kitchen floor.
1:02:00 > 1:02:04And they're still going, "It's nice and airy.
1:02:04 > 1:02:08"Do you think my dresser would fit in there between those two mocking
1:02:08 > 1:02:10"death threats that somebody's painted on the wall?"
1:02:10 > 1:02:11And she always moves in, the girl.
1:02:11 > 1:02:14Within minutes, there's a man with an infrared telescope trained on her
1:02:14 > 1:02:16from across the road.
1:02:16 > 1:02:19There's a pig's head behind the shower curtain, with a blonde wig
1:02:19 > 1:02:22and lipstick. There's a death threat on the answerphone from her
1:02:22 > 1:02:25psychopathic twin sister who was killed ten years ago in a car crash.
1:02:25 > 1:02:27Does she run screaming from the flat?
1:02:27 > 1:02:30No. She answers the front door in her bra and pants...
1:02:31 > 1:02:33..to a delivery boy with no identification
1:02:33 > 1:02:35holding a ticking fruit basket.
1:02:36 > 1:02:39And then some hours later, when she is unaccountably still alive,
1:02:39 > 1:02:41she's the only person in the block of flats that night.
1:02:41 > 1:02:44Everybody else is out at a fireworks display in the middle of Regent's Park.
1:02:44 > 1:02:47A freak electric storm has wiped out the entire emergency telephone system,
1:02:47 > 1:02:49the lift isn't working, the basement lights,
1:02:49 > 1:02:52where the washing machine is, are flickering on and off,
1:02:52 > 1:02:54and she still goes down there in the middle of the night
1:02:54 > 1:02:55to do her bloody washing.
1:02:57 > 1:02:59And I'm going, "Don't go!
1:02:59 > 1:03:03"You can wear the same pair of tights two days running.
1:03:03 > 1:03:05"Just dip the crotch in the washbasin
1:03:05 > 1:03:07"and hang them over the grill."
1:03:11 > 1:03:13Anyway, the trouble is, I wake up properly
1:03:13 > 1:03:15about four o'clock in the morning, the worst time.
1:03:15 > 1:03:17If you suffer from any sort of depression,
1:03:17 > 1:03:19four o'clock is the worst time.
1:03:19 > 1:03:21I start churning over everything in my mind about my job, my career,
1:03:21 > 1:03:23my children, my marriage, everything.
1:03:23 > 1:03:26And I'm thinking about the therapist and what she said to me.
1:03:26 > 1:03:29She said to me, "If you want to put a little bit of the spark back in your marriage,"
1:03:29 > 1:03:31because I've been married a long time,
1:03:31 > 1:03:34"have you ever thought of booking a session with a sex therapist?
1:03:34 > 1:03:37"You can book half an hour with them and they'll teach you new sexual techniques."
1:03:37 > 1:03:40I said, "I don't think I could learn any now.
1:03:40 > 1:03:43"I think it would take me too long. It's taken me about 20 years
1:03:43 > 1:03:45"to remember when we are making love not to say,
1:03:45 > 1:03:46" 'Did you do the bins?' "
1:03:57 > 1:03:59But I said to her, "Anyway, it's not about sex. It's about romance.
1:03:59 > 1:04:02"I have been married a long time and I would like to put a little bit of
1:04:02 > 1:04:04"the romance back." She said, "What about, one evening,
1:04:04 > 1:04:07have you ever thought about cooking a little romantic supper just for
1:04:07 > 1:04:10"you and your husband?" I said, "Yes, I've thought about it."
1:04:10 > 1:04:12"I've got children. Like a lot of people,
1:04:12 > 1:04:13"I work all day, I finish work,
1:04:13 > 1:04:16"I go to get my children from school, I bring them back.
1:04:16 > 1:04:18"One's not got their PE kit. We go back, we come back again.
1:04:18 > 1:04:21"One's not got their homework, we go back, we come back again.
1:04:21 > 1:04:23"One's got one of his new shoes missing
1:04:23 > 1:04:25"and he's wearing another child's hearing aid..."
1:04:30 > 1:04:33I go, "What are you doing with that?" And he's going, "He lets me."
1:04:33 > 1:04:34"But, yeah, I know..."
1:04:40 > 1:04:42We take that back, we come back.
1:04:42 > 1:04:45There's 12 Cubs on the doorstep waiting to be driven to Whipsnade.
1:04:46 > 1:04:48They're going, "Didn't you get the letter?"
1:04:48 > 1:04:50I'm going, "What letter? What letter?"
1:04:52 > 1:04:55We take them, we come back. I say, "Right, where is this letter?"
1:04:55 > 1:04:58He shows me a drawer - ten years' worth of letters I've never seen.
1:04:58 > 1:05:00The bottom one, from ten years ago, says,
1:05:00 > 1:05:03"Your child has been identified as the source of the outbreak of nits."
1:05:03 > 1:05:05Oh, well, too late now.
1:05:08 > 1:05:11The top one says, "Your child has been given three parts in the school play
1:05:11 > 1:05:14"and we need three costumes by tomorrow morning." Oh, good.
1:05:14 > 1:05:16"A satsuma, a skyscraper and Lady Jane Grey."
1:05:16 > 1:05:19So, there's me, there's your romantic evening going, there is me
1:05:19 > 1:05:21trying to make the costume. My other child is walking around
1:05:21 > 1:05:23with a mobile phone clamped to its head.
1:05:23 > 1:05:26I'm going, "Where did you get the money to buy that?"
1:05:26 > 1:05:29She says, "I hope you don't mind, I sold my bunk beds." "I do mind!"
1:05:29 > 1:05:31So I'm there with a piece of shirt cardboard trying to make
1:05:31 > 1:05:34an Elizabethan frill, trying to get the one on the phone
1:05:34 > 1:05:36to come off the phone and clear the table.
1:05:36 > 1:05:40Won't come off the phone, have to send her a text message, "Please..."
1:05:43 > 1:05:46I said to this woman, I said, "It's very hard to be romantic
1:05:46 > 1:05:48"when you've got children." I said, "Rightly or wrongly,
1:05:48 > 1:05:51"I've put a huge amount of energy into my children because I've always
1:05:51 > 1:05:55"tried to be the perfect mummy." I mean, I'm not, I'm not,
1:05:55 > 1:05:57I'm terrible, I'm so bossy and naggy and shouty,
1:05:57 > 1:06:00but I've always wanted to be like a mummy in a book.
1:06:00 > 1:06:04Well, I am, but it's that book about Joan Crawford, unfortunately.
1:06:08 > 1:06:10I mean, I do try.
1:06:10 > 1:06:12I try and do everything that they want to do.
1:06:12 > 1:06:15Like, you know, for years they've all had their birthday parties
1:06:15 > 1:06:17in these terrible soft-play places.
1:06:17 > 1:06:19You know, like Wacky Warehouse and Clown Town, Monkey Business,
1:06:19 > 1:06:20Pirates' Playhouse...
1:06:20 > 1:06:24All their friends have had all their birthday parties in the same places.
1:06:24 > 1:06:25And I think, "For God's sake,
1:06:25 > 1:06:27"have I got to spend every Saturday afternoon in my life
1:06:27 > 1:06:30"in a shed off the North Circular?"
1:06:30 > 1:06:33I can't hear myself think with mad children screaming,
1:06:33 > 1:06:35the whole place stinking of old wee-wee and Monster Munch.
1:06:41 > 1:06:44My trouble is, I read too much Enid Blyton when I was little.
1:06:44 > 1:06:47I've got a very idealised view of what a mummy should be like.
1:06:47 > 1:06:50I'm always wanting to run in and say, "Look, darlings, the sun is shining,
1:06:50 > 1:06:53"let's pack a bag, let's go for a picnic, come on."
1:06:53 > 1:06:55And they're supposed to go,
1:06:55 > 1:06:57"Oh, Mummy, you're the best mummy in the world."
1:06:59 > 1:07:01Hasn't happened yet.
1:07:01 > 1:07:04Sometimes, I try - I go in, "I say, look, look, it's a really nice day.
1:07:04 > 1:07:06"Shall we go for a picnic? And they go..."
1:07:06 > 1:07:07SHE BEEPS
1:07:10 > 1:07:12Once I managed to get them out.
1:07:12 > 1:07:14Once. I said to them, this summer, I said,
1:07:14 > 1:07:16"Look, Daddy's away tomorrow. Why don't we all get in the car,
1:07:16 > 1:07:20"really early, tomorrow morning, we'll drive out to the seaside, really early, beat all the traffic,
1:07:20 > 1:07:23"go somewhere we've never been before, we'll play on the beach,
1:07:23 > 1:07:25"we'll have a paddle, we'll have ice creams, have a fantastic time -
1:07:25 > 1:07:27"what do you say?" And they said, "All right."
1:07:27 > 1:07:30The next morning we got up really, really early, we got in the car,
1:07:30 > 1:07:32we drove out of London, no traffic, we found a beach,
1:07:32 > 1:07:34somewhere we'd never been before, we paddled, we played,
1:07:34 > 1:07:36we had ice creams, I looked at my watch,
1:07:36 > 1:07:39it was half past nine in the morning...
1:07:41 > 1:07:43I'm thinking, "What are we going to do now?"
1:07:43 > 1:07:46Now, if you're ever tempted to try this sort of mad escapade,
1:07:46 > 1:07:50I'd just say, don't do it in East Anglia.
1:07:50 > 1:07:52There's nothing to do. I'd never been there before.
1:07:52 > 1:07:55I'm never going there again.
1:07:55 > 1:07:57I'd never seen the point of it as a place.
1:07:57 > 1:07:59To me, it was just a big landmass.
1:07:59 > 1:08:02I thought it was designed to stop the people of Hull
1:08:02 > 1:08:05doing their shopping in London. I didn't know what it was for.
1:08:08 > 1:08:11So there was nothing to do. So I went to the Tourist Information.
1:08:11 > 1:08:13I got all these leaflets and brought them back,
1:08:13 > 1:08:15and we're sitting in the car, and it's pissing down by this point,
1:08:15 > 1:08:18of course. And everything is shut, because of the foot-and-mouth.
1:08:18 > 1:08:22I'm going, "We've got animal farm, butterfly farm, zoo - closed, closed, closed.
1:08:22 > 1:08:25"Here we are, this is open - slipper factory.
1:08:25 > 1:08:27"Quiz trail for the under-12s.
1:08:27 > 1:08:29"Chance to buy rejects and misshapes."
1:08:29 > 1:08:32All right, then. "Here we are, this looks good -
1:08:32 > 1:08:33"all-year-round adventure park.
1:08:33 > 1:08:35"Water rides, roller-coasters,
1:08:35 > 1:08:39"open every day of the year except Christmas Day, Boxing Day and...
1:08:39 > 1:08:41"today". So, in the end,
1:08:41 > 1:08:44there's only one place left open in the whole of East Anglia.
1:08:44 > 1:08:46I'm driving towards it.
1:08:46 > 1:08:49I've got the little... I'm trying to read the little map with one hand,
1:08:49 > 1:08:50I'm trying to steer with the other hand
1:08:50 > 1:08:53and smack my children with another hand I haven't got.
1:08:53 > 1:08:54And the rain is sheeting down,
1:08:54 > 1:08:56they've been eating nonstop all day,
1:08:56 > 1:08:58the car is littered with old tin cans
1:08:58 > 1:09:00and crisp packets, sweet wrappers...
1:09:00 > 1:09:02The whole car is like a shantytown.
1:09:02 > 1:09:05It's like a shantytown - you wouldn't be surprised to see
1:09:05 > 1:09:08Davina McCall down by the gear lever for Comic Relief, crying,
1:09:08 > 1:09:11"These poor people..."
1:09:11 > 1:09:15And my children are in the back, numb with sugar.
1:09:24 > 1:09:27Cadbury's Creme Eggs hanging out their mouths...
1:09:28 > 1:09:30I think, "How has this happened?
1:09:30 > 1:09:32"I never actually meant to bring them up like this."
1:09:32 > 1:09:35You know, when they were born I was really, really strict
1:09:35 > 1:09:37about everything, you know? They were brought up on these, like,
1:09:37 > 1:09:40filtered water and organic stone-ground muesli.
1:09:40 > 1:09:43Now they won't even eat chips because a little know-all bastard
1:09:43 > 1:09:46at school told them a potato was a vegetable.
1:09:51 > 1:09:55Anyway, I finally get to this place and I say, "Come on, kids, out we get."
1:09:55 > 1:09:56We're standing there in the rain.
1:09:56 > 1:09:58I say, "Look, this is going to be good -
1:09:58 > 1:10:01"The Tungsten and Ball Bearing Experience."
1:10:03 > 1:10:05And all it is is just a big old factory,
1:10:05 > 1:10:08and they've just crossed out the word "factory"
1:10:08 > 1:10:10and written in the word "experience".
1:10:10 > 1:10:11And there are two cartoon figures,
1:10:11 > 1:10:13two cardboard cut-outs, in the doorway -
1:10:13 > 1:10:15Tommy Tungsten and Bobby Ball Bearing.
1:10:15 > 1:10:18And I'm just stood in the middle - I just wanted to burst into tears,
1:10:18 > 1:10:20I wanted to go, "I'm cold, I'm wet,
1:10:20 > 1:10:23"I've dented the back of my car reversing into a bollard
1:10:23 > 1:10:26"because I was so busy smacking my children I wasn't looking where I was going.
1:10:26 > 1:10:29"I'm in the middle of a big old shed in East Anglia,
1:10:29 > 1:10:31"looking at ball bearings!"
1:10:31 > 1:10:34But you don't do that, you try and hold it together, you know?
1:10:34 > 1:10:36You're a mother - you try and make it a fun, interesting,
1:10:36 > 1:10:38educational experience.
1:10:38 > 1:10:39"Kids, and come and look at this glass case,
1:10:39 > 1:10:42"come and look at this, look - see how the design of
1:10:42 > 1:10:45"the protective telephone casing has altered since 1916?"
1:10:48 > 1:10:50I said to the woman, "It is very hard, actually,
1:10:50 > 1:10:53"to be romantic when you spend your whole days doing things like that."
1:10:53 > 1:10:56And she said, "Well, I wouldn't recommend this to everybody,
1:10:56 > 1:10:59"but have you ever thought - if you want to put a little bit of a spark back in your marriage,
1:10:59 > 1:11:03"have you ever thought of having an affair? It can work." I said, "What, sleeping with somebody else?"
1:11:03 > 1:11:06And she said, "Yeah." I said, "No, I haven't thought about it.
1:11:06 > 1:11:08I said, "A - because I don't want to, and B -
1:11:08 > 1:11:11"I've been sleeping with the same person now since I was 23,"
1:11:11 > 1:11:15I said, "have you any idea of the work I would have to do on myself?"
1:11:22 > 1:11:24I said, "I'm already doing everything I know how to do.
1:11:24 > 1:11:27"I am already exercising all the time, I'm always doing new things,
1:11:27 > 1:11:30"and every new thing I do I have to, you know, spend some money.
1:11:30 > 1:11:32"Like, I do cycling, I've had to buy a bike.
1:11:32 > 1:11:34"I do yoga, I've had to buy a mat.
1:11:34 > 1:11:36"I do step classes, I've had to buy special trainers.
1:11:36 > 1:11:38"There's only about one thing left I haven't done that wouldn't
1:11:38 > 1:11:41"cost me any more money, and that would be belly dancing.
1:11:41 > 1:11:43"In fact, I could supply spares for them."
1:11:43 > 1:11:46And she said, "No, no, you don't need to do anything like that.
1:11:46 > 1:11:47"There's marvellous underwear now.
1:11:47 > 1:11:50"You can get these special support tights that hold your legs in
1:11:50 > 1:11:53and special body-shaper things that squinch you in in the middle."
1:11:53 > 1:11:56I said, "If they squinch me in the middle, where will the rest of me go?
1:11:56 > 1:11:58"My breasts will be up here -
1:11:58 > 1:12:01"I'll have to breathe through a straw, like this."
1:12:04 > 1:12:07I said, "I know you can get these knickers that do everything -
1:12:07 > 1:12:09"what happens when you take them off?"
1:12:12 > 1:12:15I said, "It would be like a dinghy coming down from air-sea rescue."
1:12:21 > 1:12:24I said, "And even if I could sleep with somebody,
1:12:24 > 1:12:26"which I don't think I can, what's going to happen the next morning?"
1:12:26 > 1:12:30I said, "He's not going to understand our bathroom arrangements, is he?
1:12:30 > 1:12:33"You know, it's all very well having a night of passion -
1:12:33 > 1:12:36"the next morning he gets up and I'm going, 'Don't flush, I want one.' "
1:12:45 > 1:12:47I said to her, "It's not about sex. It's about romance.
1:12:47 > 1:12:50She said, "All right, I hear what you're saying.
1:12:50 > 1:12:53She said, "Now, you have a little roof terrace in your house."
1:12:53 > 1:12:55I said, "Yeah, we have a little roof terrace outside our bedroom.
1:12:55 > 1:12:58She said, "Well, one evening, nice moonlit night,
1:12:58 > 1:13:00"when the children are asleep, go up to your roof terrace,
1:13:00 > 1:13:01"nice bottle of champagne,
1:13:01 > 1:13:04"why don't you read romantic poetry to each other?"
1:13:04 > 1:13:07I said, "Because we won't be able to bloody read it, that's why!"
1:13:10 > 1:13:14"I can't see anything, he always has his wrong glasses on.
1:13:14 > 1:13:17"He's got glasses for work, glasses for reading, glasses for television.
1:13:17 > 1:13:18"He's never got the right glasses on
1:13:18 > 1:13:20"in the right room at the right time.
1:13:20 > 1:13:22"You say to him, what does that say, Geoff?"
1:13:22 > 1:13:24"Oh, I don't know, need to get my other glasses."
1:13:24 > 1:13:28"Who's that on the television, Geoff?" "Oh, I don't know, need to get my other glasses."
1:13:28 > 1:13:30I said, "And anyway, actually, we're falling to pieces now."
1:13:30 > 1:13:33And this is true. I said, "In the same month as I had a hysterectomy
1:13:33 > 1:13:35"he had a hernia repair."
1:13:35 > 1:13:37I said, "What's happening to us?
1:13:37 > 1:13:41"We're turning into, like, a joke couple off a seaside postcard."
1:13:41 > 1:13:43Hysterectomies and hernias -
1:13:43 > 1:13:45we're only missing varicose veins and dentures,
1:13:45 > 1:13:47we'll have the full set.
1:13:47 > 1:13:49I said to her, "We are falling to pieces.
1:13:49 > 1:13:52"He's got his hernia, plus he's got something wrong his Achilles tendon,
1:13:52 > 1:13:54"so he limps. I've got my hysterectomy,
1:13:54 > 1:13:57"plus I damaged my hip exercising too soon after my operation."
1:13:57 > 1:13:59They were quite cross with me. They said, "Didn't you realise
1:13:59 > 1:14:01"your hip was joined onto your pelvis?"
1:14:01 > 1:14:03I said, "No, nobody ever mentioned that."
1:14:03 > 1:14:04"Neither of us can see anything.
1:14:04 > 1:14:07"We've both got good teeth but our gums are falling to pieces.
1:14:07 > 1:14:09"There's something wrong with my back -
1:14:09 > 1:14:11"if I stay too long in the same position it locks
1:14:11 > 1:14:12"and then I can't bend over.
1:14:12 > 1:14:15"I've lately become allergic to things like pollution and perfume,
1:14:15 > 1:14:17"and if I breathe them in it makes me sneeze.
1:14:17 > 1:14:19"And if I sneeze I wet myself."
1:14:29 > 1:14:30"Plus I've got a bunion, so..."
1:14:32 > 1:14:36I said, "Don't tell us to have a romantic evening at home.
1:14:36 > 1:14:38I said, "If we get all dressed up, he'll have a dinner jacket on
1:14:38 > 1:14:40"and tracksuit bottoms because of his hernia."
1:14:44 > 1:14:46"I'll have a nice dress, tights and slippers
1:14:46 > 1:14:48"with a big hole cut in them."
1:14:50 > 1:14:52I said, "Don't tell us to go out dancing -
1:14:52 > 1:14:55"we've only got one fully operative leg between us."
1:14:55 > 1:14:58I said, "He could stand on it and I could push him around on it.
1:14:58 > 1:15:02"But I'm not allowed to push anything!
1:15:02 > 1:15:04"He could carry me upstairs, but he's not allowed to lift anything!"
1:15:04 > 1:15:07I said, "If we do manage to get upstairs,
1:15:07 > 1:15:10"by roping ourselves to the banisters and going hand-over-hand,
1:15:10 > 1:15:12"we'll get to the top, get out the romantic poetry,
1:15:12 > 1:15:14"he'll have his wrong glasses on,
1:15:14 > 1:15:16"I'll have to come back down again.
1:15:16 > 1:15:19"By the time I've got them and gone back up again,
1:15:19 > 1:15:20"he'll have nodded off."
1:15:23 > 1:15:25"If I lie there too long waiting for him to wake up,
1:15:25 > 1:15:28"my back will lock and I won't be able to bend over.
1:15:28 > 1:15:31"If we have a bottle of champagne, he'll be able to read the label
1:15:31 > 1:15:32"but he won't be able to pull the cork out.
1:15:32 > 1:15:34"I'll be able to get it out of the ice bucket
1:15:34 > 1:15:36"but I won't be able to bend forward to pour it.
1:15:36 > 1:15:39"If we have a big smooch, our teeth will bang together
1:15:39 > 1:15:41"and he'll lose two of his back molars.
1:15:41 > 1:15:43"Then I'll breathe in his aftershave,
1:15:43 > 1:15:44"and then I'll sneeze
1:15:44 > 1:15:46"and then I'll wet myself."
1:15:59 > 1:16:04"And then...if, by God's good grace, we do manage to get it together,
1:16:04 > 1:16:06"at the end I'll say to him, 'Did you have an orgasm?'
1:16:06 > 1:16:09"And he'll say, 'Oh, I don't know - I need to get my other glasses.' "
1:16:09 > 1:16:10That's it. Goodnight!
1:16:10 > 1:16:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:16:44 > 1:16:46LAUGHTER
1:16:49 > 1:16:52Oh, caught us on the hop, there.
1:16:53 > 1:16:55Oh, do you think I'm awful?
1:16:55 > 1:16:57Bonking my keyboard player and I'm getting married in a week!
1:16:57 > 1:17:00No, I'm only kidding, I'm not getting married for ten days.
1:17:00 > 1:17:02Are we all covered up?
1:17:02 > 1:17:04Yes. The baps are back in the bread bin.
1:17:07 > 1:17:11Now, we're going to finish with a little holiday song, which I wrote.
1:17:11 > 1:17:14Now, before I wrote this, we used to finish, on our luxury liner,
1:17:14 > 1:17:18The Watery Queen, with a very emotional medley of Ave Maria,
1:17:18 > 1:17:20Bless This House and Agadoo.
1:17:24 > 1:17:26And my friend Alison, who is a complete scream, she says,
1:17:26 > 1:17:29"Considering what most folk go on holiday to do, never mind Agadoo,
1:17:29 > 1:17:32"it should be Shag-adoo."
1:17:32 > 1:17:34And I said, "Well, that's given me an idea now."
1:17:34 > 1:17:37So I've written this little song, which I'm dedicating to my mother,
1:17:37 > 1:17:38who actually had a holiday romance,
1:17:38 > 1:17:42which resulted in the birth of my good self, ie myself.
1:17:42 > 1:17:45She actually fell pregnant in the middle of one of the first
1:17:45 > 1:17:48package holidays out of Manchester to Torremolinos,
1:17:48 > 1:17:52in the middle of a swimming pool, on a Lilo, so, well done, Mum.
1:17:52 > 1:17:54Now, this song, I have to say,
1:17:54 > 1:17:56however much we love this country of ours,
1:17:56 > 1:17:59and I do, you have to admit it rains, doesn't it?
1:17:59 > 1:18:02Water comes out of the sky, she added, pointlessly.
1:18:02 > 1:18:06And when it rains we just want to get away, don't we?
1:18:06 > 1:18:07We want to get somewhere hot -
1:18:07 > 1:18:10we want to get hot, get wet, get pissed, get shagging.
1:18:10 > 1:18:12Take it away, my darling.
1:18:12 > 1:18:16Now, it's got a bit of a sort of Randy Crawford feel about it,
1:18:16 > 1:18:19to start with. Sort of Rainy Night In Georgia sort of feel,
1:18:19 > 1:18:21and then it hots up. OK.
1:18:21 > 1:18:24# Empty days and rainy nights
1:18:24 > 1:18:27# Could rinse out a pair of tights
1:18:27 > 1:18:32# Or have a beer but you're not here
1:18:32 > 1:18:35# I work all night and work all day
1:18:35 > 1:18:39# Looks good on my resume
1:18:39 > 1:18:43# I'm tired of rain I'm gonna catch a plane today
1:18:43 > 1:18:45# I'm having a holiday
1:18:45 > 1:18:47# I'm packing my blues away
1:18:47 > 1:18:49# My dreams can go hip-hooray
1:18:49 > 1:18:51# Cos they're coming too
1:18:51 > 1:18:53# My ticket's right in my hand
1:18:53 > 1:18:55# I'm headed for sun and sand
1:18:55 > 1:18:57# It's a pity I'm on remand
1:18:57 > 1:18:59# But what can you do?
1:18:59 > 1:19:02# Don't tell me who's called or faxed
1:19:02 > 1:19:04# Don't tell me whose job's been axed
1:19:04 > 1:19:06# I'm having my hoo-ha waxed
1:19:06 > 1:19:08# That's top of my list
1:19:08 > 1:19:10# I'm leaving my plants behind
1:19:10 > 1:19:12# All my uncles and aunts behind
1:19:12 > 1:19:14# I could leave my pants behind
1:19:14 > 1:19:16# They'll never be missed
1:19:17 > 1:19:19# Shed those superstitions
1:19:19 > 1:19:21# Find some new positions
1:19:21 > 1:19:25# Let your inhibitions take flight
1:19:25 > 1:19:27# Oh-ah, lose your armour
1:19:27 > 1:19:29# And ditch that last pyjama
1:19:29 > 1:19:32# Let's go shag-a-rama tonight
1:19:33 > 1:19:37# You know, time was when nobody gave a damn
1:19:37 > 1:19:42# Nobody looked my way and nobody cared
1:19:42 > 1:19:44# But now because I am what I damn well am
1:19:44 > 1:19:45# I'm saying
1:19:45 > 1:19:49# Who are you? Look out, I'm coming through
1:19:49 > 1:19:51# I'm having a holiday
1:19:51 > 1:19:53# I'm packing the cold away
1:19:53 > 1:19:55# My cherry is dead glace
1:19:55 > 1:19:57# I wanna get hot, hot, hot
1:19:57 > 1:19:59# I'm going where Brits are found
1:19:59 > 1:20:01# Where glamour and glitz abound
1:20:01 > 1:20:03# I'll be waving my bits around
1:20:03 > 1:20:06# As likely as not
1:20:06 > 1:20:08# Don't be arty-farty
1:20:08 > 1:20:10# Let's get down and party
1:20:10 > 1:20:14# Smell that Hai Karate way-hay
1:20:14 > 1:20:16# Ooh, don't be monastic
1:20:16 > 1:20:18# Your hand, my elastic
1:20:18 > 1:20:21# Let's go shag-a-tastic today
1:20:23 > 1:20:26# You know, time was when nobody gave a damn
1:20:26 > 1:20:31# Nobody looked my way and nobody cared
1:20:31 > 1:20:34# But now, because I'm womanly warm and glam
1:20:34 > 1:20:36# You'll never see me cry
1:20:36 > 1:20:38# Because I'm flying high
1:20:38 > 1:20:40# I'm having a holiday
1:20:40 > 1:20:42# As soon as I land I'll say
1:20:42 > 1:20:44# Dip your ladle in my consomme
1:20:44 > 1:20:47# Come and see what I've got
1:20:47 > 1:20:49# Come on, hold me tightly
1:20:49 > 1:20:51# Let's go five times nightly
1:20:51 > 1:20:54# Are you Richard Whitely or not?
1:20:55 > 1:20:57# Don't be arty-farty
1:20:57 > 1:20:59# Let's get down and party
1:20:59 > 1:21:04# Smell that Hai Karate way-hay
1:21:04 > 1:21:05# Ooh, don't be monastic
1:21:05 > 1:21:07# Your hand, my elastic
1:21:07 > 1:21:11# Let's go shag-a-tastic today
1:21:11 > 1:21:13# I'm gonna wear halternecks
1:21:13 > 1:21:15# I'm gonna have specs like Becks
1:21:15 > 1:21:19# I'm gonna have oral sex to the sound of the sea
1:21:19 > 1:21:22# Wimp, wet, weed or wanker
1:21:22 > 1:21:24# On the Costa Blanca
1:21:24 > 1:21:27# You can drop your anchor with me
1:21:27 > 1:21:30# Shed those superstitions
1:21:30 > 1:21:32# Find some new positions
1:21:32 > 1:21:36# Let your inhibitions take flight
1:21:36 > 1:21:38# Oh-ah, lose your armour
1:21:38 > 1:21:40# Ditch that last pyjama
1:21:40 > 1:21:43# Let's go shag-a-rama tonight
1:21:43 > 1:21:46# We're having a holiday
1:21:46 > 1:21:47# We're gonna go all the way
1:21:47 > 1:21:50# Get sand in your crack, I say
1:21:50 > 1:21:52# And don't make a fuss
1:21:52 > 1:21:54# Don't be melancholy
1:21:54 > 1:21:56# You can get drunk, frig and frolic
1:21:56 > 1:21:59# Shag, shag, shag-a-holic with us
1:22:01 > 1:22:03# Shed those superstitions
1:22:03 > 1:22:05# Find some new positions
1:22:05 > 1:22:09# Let your inhibitions take flight
1:22:09 > 1:22:11# Oo-ah, lose your armour
1:22:11 > 1:22:13# Ditch that last pyjama
1:22:13 > 1:22:15# Let's go shag-a-rama... #
1:22:15 > 1:22:17AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME
1:22:17 > 1:22:19# Tonight
1:22:19 > 1:22:22# Shag-a-rama tonight! #
1:22:22 > 1:22:23CHEERING
1:22:50 > 1:22:52Welcome to Body-Conscious Fitness Facility.
1:22:54 > 1:22:56Sorry I'm a bit late.
1:22:56 > 1:22:59Sorry if you were expecting to see Marilyn, her with the breasts.
1:22:59 > 1:23:01I'm afraid she had a bit of an accident.
1:23:01 > 1:23:04You might have noticed we had, like, a bit of a power cut in the gym
1:23:04 > 1:23:06about an hour ago. If you were working on any of the machines,
1:23:06 > 1:23:10you might have noticed, like, they cut out, dead suddenly.
1:23:10 > 1:23:12Well, Marilyn was, unfortunately,
1:23:12 > 1:23:14running on the treadmill at the time.
1:23:14 > 1:23:17Luckily, the door she was catapulted through was open,
1:23:17 > 1:23:20and she landed in the middle of a body-conditioning class -
1:23:20 > 1:23:24Bums And Tums, on two newcomers, so she's all right.
1:23:24 > 1:23:27Anyway, I'm Pat. I've been working at Body-Conscious Fitness Facility,
1:23:27 > 1:23:29woo, for three days now.
1:23:29 > 1:23:30Oh, hello.
1:23:30 > 1:23:32FITNESS MUSIC PLAYS
1:23:42 > 1:23:45You've probably seen me, like,
1:23:45 > 1:23:49topping up the shower gel in the changing rooms, and I'm the one who,
1:23:49 > 1:23:52like, fishes out the long hairs out the wash basin.
1:23:52 > 1:23:56Pins them up on the notice board in case anybody wants them back.
1:23:56 > 1:23:59That red one with the grey end is still there, by the way.
1:23:59 > 1:24:01Anyway, I've just got to tell you,
1:24:01 > 1:24:05I've never actually done this aerobics class before.
1:24:05 > 1:24:08In fact, I've never done any aerobics class before.
1:24:08 > 1:24:10In fact, I've never done any exercise before.
1:24:10 > 1:24:13Because up until three days ago, I was working in a bakery,
1:24:13 > 1:24:15on the sandwich counter.
1:24:15 > 1:24:18But as I said to Marilyn, you know, "I'm quite strong because of, like,
1:24:18 > 1:24:22"bringing in the bread? And I'm quite flexible because of, like,
1:24:22 > 1:24:23"reaching forward for the tomatoes
1:24:23 > 1:24:26"and twisting round for the margarine.
1:24:26 > 1:24:28"Tomatoes, margarine.
1:24:28 > 1:24:30"Tuna and sweetcorn, paper bags."
1:24:30 > 1:24:35Try it! Tomatoes, margarine, tuna and sweetcorn, paper bags.
1:24:35 > 1:24:40Tomatoes, margarine, tuna and sweetcorn, paper bags.
1:24:45 > 1:24:47And stretch.
1:24:47 > 1:24:49SHE SNIFFS
1:24:49 > 1:24:53That Impulse body spray, it's not working on me.
1:24:53 > 1:24:55And stretch. Actually, I'm not going to do that one,
1:24:55 > 1:24:58cos I had jacket, beans and cheese for my dinner.
1:24:58 > 1:25:00OK...
1:25:00 > 1:25:02Right, well, this is a "fusion" class.
1:25:02 > 1:25:04It combines the spirituality of yoga
1:25:04 > 1:25:08with the viciousness of urban street fighting.
1:25:08 > 1:25:11Starts like this, "As if you're on two mobile phones," she says to me.
1:25:11 > 1:25:14I said, "That's a first - I haven't seen anybody with two,
1:25:14 > 1:25:16"even in a poncey dump like this."
1:25:16 > 1:25:18That means counting down from four.
1:25:18 > 1:25:20That means take it from the top.
1:25:20 > 1:25:22That means take it from the top halfway through.
1:25:22 > 1:25:25That means call an ambulance - I'm having a bleeding heart attack.
1:25:25 > 1:25:26OK, keep it small.
1:25:26 > 1:25:29Four, three, don't knacker yourselves.
1:25:44 > 1:25:46Here's your yoga.
1:25:46 > 1:25:48Very, very spiritual.
1:25:48 > 1:25:49Think about your breathing.
1:25:52 > 1:25:55Think about your boyfriend.
1:25:55 > 1:25:57What a stupid bastard.
1:25:57 > 1:25:58Kick him in the goolies.
1:25:58 > 1:26:00And punch.
1:26:00 > 1:26:04Can't see my watch now. I've got to stop in a minute, anyway.
1:26:04 > 1:26:06I've got to go and unblock the drain in the men's shower.
1:26:07 > 1:26:10Some poncey bastard shaving his back again.
1:26:10 > 1:26:12Anyway, let's take it from the top.
1:26:12 > 1:26:16Last chance. Get your heart rate up, give it some welly.
1:26:16 > 1:26:17OK. I'm going too.
1:26:17 > 1:26:20Are we ready? Counting down.
1:26:20 > 1:26:24Four, three, four, three, two and go.
1:26:33 > 1:26:36AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME
1:26:41 > 1:26:45Now, don't forget, if you're working at the correct level,
1:26:45 > 1:26:48you should never, ever get out of...
1:26:54 > 1:26:56You should always be able to carry on a...
1:26:57 > 1:26:59Carry on a...
1:27:00 > 1:27:01Carry on a...
1:27:01 > 1:27:03normal...
1:27:06 > 1:27:09Oh, bugger. I'm having a laugh. Thank you!
1:27:09 > 1:27:11CHEERING