0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Josh Widdicombe!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hmm, well...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47All right?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Better not be shit now, eh?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Thank you for coming.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It's an absolute pleasure to be here, genuinely.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57But I'm more glad that you're here cos, if you hadn't been,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00this would have been one of the shittest nights of my life.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It is lovely to be in London. I live in London.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I've just been working in a place called Brazil.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I don't know if you're aware of this.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10I'm not saying I was a big deal.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I am a big deal in Brazil. I'm not saying that.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I'll just tell you one story and you can judge for yourselves.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19I was getting some food in the Olympic Park
0:01:19 > 0:01:22and I was being served by a guy who was from Brazil
0:01:22 > 0:01:26and he looked at me and I saw him smile and I thought, "Here we go."
0:01:28 > 0:01:31And then he looked across at his mate who was working with him
0:01:31 > 0:01:32and he called him over and he pointed at me
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and they were laughing and pointing at each other, going, "Oh, look."
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And they were talking and they were going, Portuguese, Portuguese.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40That's not what they were saying.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43If he'd done that, the other one would have gone,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45"Sorry, are you having a breakdown?"
0:01:46 > 0:01:49No, but what I heard, he called his mate over,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Portuguese, Portuguese, Portuguese,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"Ed Sheeran," Portuguese, Portuguese.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I was really excited. I looked behind me,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"Ed Sheeran's here, unbelievable!"
0:02:01 > 0:02:05He was nowhere to be seen. They'd been having me on all along.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07It's good to be back in London.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I've lived in London now for ten years. Bloody hell!
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Originally, I lived in flat shares. I now live with my girlfriend.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I don't like flat sharing.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17My final flat-share,
0:02:17 > 0:02:21I lived with a man who couldn't handle being an adult.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23He was no good at it. To give you an idea,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26the moment I realised I had to move out, the moment it reached its peak,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28was when I got a phone call from him one morning.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I was out, and he said, "Josh, we've had a bit of an incident.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"I've managed to flood the landing."
0:02:35 > 0:02:37And initially, I thought,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Well, that's an interesting use of the word 'managed'."
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Because that implies he's been trying to do it for ages.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:50"There's no taps. This is a lot more of a challenge than I thought.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"I'm going to have to run a hosepipe down from the bathroom."
0:02:53 > 0:02:56This is what he said. "Josh, I've had a bit of an incident.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"I've managed to flood the landing." I said, "How did you do it?"
0:02:59 > 0:03:00These were his words. He said,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04"What happened was I fell asleep in the shower..."
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:09"..covering the plughole with my arse."
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, that isn't a thing!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17You can't just say that like that's a thing.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19That has never happened before.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23First, phone a plumber, second, phone the Guinness Book Of Records!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I said, "Didn't you wake up when you fell asleep and fell over?"
0:03:27 > 0:03:30He said, "Oh, no, I was a bit tired halfway through,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32"so I just had a bit of a lie-down."
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Sorry, how tiring is your showering technique?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Am I showering wrong? I've never got to the end of my face and gone,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"I'm knackered!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"I'm going to need 40 winks before I move onto my balls."
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I mean, he's not got a big face.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I'm not living with David Coulthard!
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I mean, how did he do it? We've got that Radox relaxing shower gel.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Unless he's drinking it...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05But it is, it's good to be back in London.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I did the Apollo a few years ago for my last DVD.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I should fill you in, if you were here,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12on all of the developments in my life.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14There's been some big developments. My life has changed.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I've got a new debit card.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Yeah, I don't want to brag, but I have one of the touchy-downy ones.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Oh, my God! Never do you feel so smug in your life, do you,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28than when they go, "How would you like to pay?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Just like that, mate. See you later. LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Where am I off to? The future!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Why don't you give me a call when you get there, Captain Chequebook?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42The thing is, you get used to it. Now, you can't go back.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45You go somewhere that doesn't have that technology,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47you can't believe your ears.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"Would you just like to put in your PIN number?" Are you kidding me?
0:04:50 > 0:04:56You expect me to stand here for four seconds, pushing buttons!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58What is this, a Victorian workhouse?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02No, I'm sorry, Pret A Manger, no!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I'll be getting my Yoga Bunny Detox elsewhere from now on.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The worst is when you think they have the touchdown technology
0:05:12 > 0:05:14but they haven't.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16You look like you've never used a debit card...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20..before in your fucking life.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22They go, "How would you like to pay?" You're just going...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"Sorry, are you having a breakdown?"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I hate it when they've got the terminal
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and they have to ask for your permission. "Do mind if I just...?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"Yeah, I couldn't give a shit, mate. Just do it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"You're currently slowing down the process of speeding this up."
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I trust him. What is he going to do? Go, "Do you mind if I just...?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"£4,000. Unlucky, my friend!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53"Enjoy your Sprite."
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Certainly the one I had the other day... This was unbelievable.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I was buying something online.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I was filling in the details and the first question, it said,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Does your debit card have a nickname?"
0:06:06 > 0:06:10No, not as far as I know, no.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Maybe we're not as close as I thought.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I wasn't going, "Fuck, the Flex Meister General's in town."
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Visa? More like fucking Geezer, mate.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I tell you the other one I hate - when you're in a restaurant
0:06:27 > 0:06:31and the waiter makes too much of not looking at your PIN number.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32I hate that, when he goes,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"If you'd just like to put in your PIN number."
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Well, I wasn't suspicious of you until NOW!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It's like he's doing a magic trick.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"If you'd just like to put in your PIN number.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"Is it 4761?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I mean, that is my PIN number - I'm a fucking idiot.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Cos I struggle with technology. I find it undermines me, it does.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Like my computer. I'm fine with most things.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm fine with the red squiggly line underneath the word
0:07:08 > 0:07:11when you misspell something. I'm OK with that.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I tell you what I'm not OK with.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14"No suggestions."
0:07:17 > 0:07:20When you click on the red squiggly line and it goes, "No."
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It might as well just go, "Are you a thick twat?
0:07:26 > 0:07:31"Cos I know all of the words and that is, literally, none of them.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"Sorry, has a cat walked across your keyboard?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"Are you Welsh?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"Cos that is not a word!"
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Or I hate it when your computer just makes decisions for you.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47When you decide to copy some text from an e-mail
0:07:47 > 0:07:49into a Word document, your computer goes,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"You're going to get that text,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"but I'm going to go rogue on font choice.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59"You're going to get that text in size 48 pink Comic Sans.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03"I hope you can read Wingdings, cos that's what you're getting it in."
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Or if you just decide to bullet point and your computer goes,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Oh, you're going to be bullet pointing for ever, my friend.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"You're never going to be able to start a new line
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"without a bullet point from now on.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20"I hope you speak in facts...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"..cos everything in your life from now on is a list."
0:08:27 > 0:08:28My letters will be ending,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"Bullet point, lots of love, bullet point, Josh."
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I like the touchdown debit card. I like the chip debit card, I do.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I've got the new chip passport. Not such a fan of that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43They say it's good.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You get the new chip passport, you get your own special queue.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Then you get to the airport
0:08:48 > 0:08:51and it turns out every fucker's got the new chip passport.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55You're all queueing up while one old bloke goes, "This is brilliant!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"I've got my own special queue."
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I tell you what I hate -
0:09:01 > 0:09:05when you go on holiday, people ask you to get them stuff.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Have you had this?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You go on holiday and they go, "Are you going on holiday?" "Yeah, yeah."
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"Could you get me a large bottle of vodka?" "No.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18"No, I couldn't, because I'm going on holiday, not doing a big shop."
0:09:18 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:27They always do it. "Could you do me a little favour?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"Could you get me 4,000 Lambert & Butler?"
0:09:29 > 0:09:31"No, I'm not a mule!"
0:09:31 > 0:09:35They might as well just go, "Are you all right to put this cocaine
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"in a condom and shove it up your arse?"
0:09:39 > 0:09:41They all give me this list of stuff.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I've got it, I always say yes, and the final day,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I'm always running around a city looking for these items.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49It's like I'm on an episode of The Apprentice,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53just running around in Milan, going, "I don't know what a pashmina is."
0:09:53 > 0:09:55LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:00The worst... When I used to work in an office, that is the worst.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You come back from holiday, people go, "Did you get us anything?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"No.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"Cos the reason I went on holiday is to forget that you existed."
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"I'll be honest with you, I didn't think about you once in two weeks
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"and I loved it."
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I don't think that there should be presents involved in offices.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31The other one I'd get rid of, Secret Santa. That is...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Office Secret Santa - that is a load of bullshit, isn't it?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Every Christmas, they come down with a box of names
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and what you've got to do, pick out a name,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42then you get them a present, maximum £10.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Oh, thank God you told me.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Cos I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Yeah, I hope I haven't overspent, Jean. You close your eyes,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I'll just reverse your present into the marina.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06This was the worst.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Last birthday, my aunt sent me a birthday card,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13then my mum said to me I had to send my aunt
0:11:13 > 0:11:16a thank-you card for my birthday card.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19She then sent me a thank-you card
0:11:19 > 0:11:22for my thank-you card for her birthday card.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I have been tricked into becoming my auntie's pen pal.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Also, where are aunties getting their cards?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Always from the same range, isn't it?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Always something like the words "Birthday Boy",
0:11:38 > 0:11:42with a gentle watercolour of two footballers going in for a tackle.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I have never seen one of these cards on sale.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53They just bought a boxload in the '70s.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"Well, that will last me to death."
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Are they on Moonpig, going,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00"What I want, I want the words 'Birthday boy',
0:12:00 > 0:12:04"and then can I have a gentle watercolour
0:12:04 > 0:12:08"of a racing car going past a chequered flag?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"While I'm there, can I get one with a gentle watercolour
0:12:14 > 0:12:18"of a golfer teeing off in tartan trousers?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23"Also, could you sellotape a pound coin on the inside as well?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"It'll be the best 30th birthday he ever fucking has, won't it?"
0:12:31 > 0:12:35She bought me the worst present I've ever had last Christmas. Awful.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I couldn't believe this, right.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41I was with her for Christmas, right, unwrapping presents.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43What I unwrapped from her
0:12:43 > 0:12:45was a flat cap.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Oh, cheers, yeah, because it's my New Year's resolution
0:12:50 > 0:12:52to deliver bread on a bicycle.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I looked disappointed, right.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59She looked up and she said, "Oh, sorry, have you already got one?"
0:12:59 > 0:13:01No, and I won't have one again,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04once I reach the charity shop.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08What am I meant to do with a flat cap?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11When you get a bad T-shirt as a present, you can do things.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13You can wear it under something else.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16You can't do that with a flat cap. Walking around town,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18no-one's spotted my flat cap underneath my top hat.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24With a T-shirt, you can wear it to the gym.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26You can't do that with a flat cap!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28On the treadmill, a girl goes past.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Ey-up!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32No, I haven't been to Paris, it's just a T-shirt.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38This is what she said. She said, "Oh, I thought it was fashionable."
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Then she added, "Perhaps you could wear it backwards."
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Backwards? I'm not Samuel L Jackson!
0:13:49 > 0:13:54I do like Christmas, though. I'm not complaining about it. I do like it.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56There are certain things I like.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Constant nibbles, I love the nibbles.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I love the chocolate, the chocolate assortment, I love that.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05I love the biscuits and cheese, the cracker selection box.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Love the cracker selection box.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Love all of the crackers except one.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15You know the one I'm talking about. The one that shouldn't be there.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18The digestive.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26It's disguised itself, shaped as a loaf of Hovis.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Sorry, who do you think you're kidding?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33You're something that shouldn't be here,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36disguised as something that shouldn't be here.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I mean, what's happened?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Is a digestive just a biscuit that is so shit
0:14:42 > 0:14:45it's been relegated to being a cracker?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Rich Tea are going, "Fucking hell, that could have been us.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"If we weren't so good at being dunked, we'd be down there as well."
0:14:53 > 0:14:57I don't want a sugary biscuit with my cheese.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I tell you what would set this brie off beautifully -
0:14:59 > 0:15:01a Jaffa Cake.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I like a cheese, I like a strong cheddar.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09On the cheddar scale, you know the one to five cheddar scale...
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It crept up on me. I still don't really know what it is.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I'm presuming it's cheesiness,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16from five, cheesy,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18down to one, milk.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Who is eating a one? Man up, grow a pair. What is wrong with you?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25I think you need to specify.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29I think they should say, so you know what is the equivalent.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31So, it's strength, from one,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35which is the equivalent of the blandest taste known to man -
0:15:35 > 0:15:36a rice cake...
0:15:38 > 0:15:42..up to five, which is the strongest taste a human has ever experienced -
0:15:42 > 0:15:45a salt and vinegar Disco.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Too strong, if anything, isn't it? Oh, my God!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"Are you all right, Josh?" CROAKING: No, I've eaten a Disco.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I don't think I'll ever feel the roof of my mouth again.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I prefer the cheddar scale to the other scales in the supermarket,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05the pointless ones - the one to three chilli scale
0:16:05 > 0:16:08on the microwaveable curries. What is that?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Oh, yeah, it gives the full range of strength
0:16:11 > 0:16:13of a microwave curry, from one, mild,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15up to three, mild.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Not the worst bit of the supermarket Indian range, is it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23We all know that - the naan bread.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26That is an absolute farce, isn't it?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I'm sorry, but that is not a naan bread.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31If they brought one of them out in a restaurant...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Sorry, is this a prank?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I asked for a naan bread and you've brought me out a piece of futon.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43It's rigid. It's like a catcher's mitt.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Chuck me an onion bhaji, I'm going long.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Oh, and yes, I have tried putting droplets of water on it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It makes no difference!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57There I am, hunched over my tap, with my supermarket naan bread,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00splashing away, like I'm trying to keep a beached whale alive.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05It's like I'm waterboarding it for information.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Tell me why poppadoms are so moreish!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12The water just rolls off.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It's waterproof. I could sleep in it at Glastonbury!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20How have I got a bit of food
0:17:20 > 0:17:22that is both wet and dry at the same time?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Have you heard there's a hosepipe ban?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Yeah, sorry, I was making a naan bread.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I like a naan bread in a restaurant, I do.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Other breads, I don't like in a restaurant.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38You know, that situation where they just bring you some bread.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Have you had this? I went in a restaurant the other day, sat down.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42He came over, he said, "Here's our menu."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Then he said, "Before you start, do you want some bread?"
0:17:47 > 0:17:48No.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51No, because I'm not a duck.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:57If I wanted some bread, I'd be down at the pond
0:17:57 > 0:17:59with my beak out, wouldn't I?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I mean, how little confidence have you got in your main menu?
0:18:04 > 0:18:05There's the menu.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I'd fill up on bread if I was you, mate, it's shit.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11This is what he did, though. He came in and said,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"Do you want some bread?" Then he said, "Do you want some water?"
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Sorry, is this a restaurant or solitary confinement?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Are you going to delouse me?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23He brought out the bread. I had to eat it out of politeness.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25It was very bland. I asked for Nutella.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It went down like a lead balloon.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30And then he came over. I thought he was going to take the order.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33He said, "Do you want some more bread?"
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Sorry, who's in your kitchen? Jesus?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40He brought that out, I ate that.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42He came and said, "Can I take your order?"
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I said, "No, I'm stuffed."
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Where are you going for dinner?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Greggs, I think.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I like naan bread, though, I do.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'm not one of those people that's pretentious about Indian food.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55You know these people.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I was on a stag do recently, went for an Indian meal,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59sat down next to a guy. I didn't know him.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02He'd just come back from travelling, and the food came out.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05They put it down and this is what he did. He went...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"Sorry, I just...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11"I'm just so used to being in India,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"I almost started eating with my hands."
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Sorry, I didn't realise I was sat next to a massive wanker.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28You almost started eating with your hands?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I almost kicked you in the face with my foot.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33The kind of person that would drink real ale
0:19:33 > 0:19:35and act like that made him better than you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37These people, you get in a round with them.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40You go, "I'll have a pint of lager." They go, "Oh, lager, really?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"A commercial lager? Wouldn't you prefer a pint of this?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46"They brew it locally. They only make eight pints a month."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Yeah, you know why that is? Cos no-one wants to drink it, mate.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53They're always going on about how much better it tastes.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56No-one is drinking alcohol for the taste,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59otherwise you wouldn't keep drinking it.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I like the taste of milk. I tend to stop after one glass.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07You'd never find me at 2am, eight pints of milk down.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Fucking hell, there's got to be
0:20:09 > 0:20:11another dairy open somewhere, hasn't there?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15All back to mine. I've got some UHT in the fridge.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17We'll party through till dawn.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23They act like it makes them so much cooler than you.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26You're not cooler than me cos you drink real ale.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28James Bond wouldn't be as cool if, when he was in the casino,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31the woman came over, "Get you another drink, 007?"
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"Yeah, just a pint of Otter's Cock, please."
0:20:36 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:40"Do you want it shaken or stirred?"
0:20:40 > 0:20:43"No, flat and at room temperature. That's how I like it."
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Now, I don't want you to think I'm just going to come out here tonight
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and just talk about pointless shit all evening.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55That's not going to happen. I'll deal with issues. Let's do it.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58No, I can deal with the issues,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01I can deal with the big issues, it's fine. Let's go.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I would give a life prison sentence...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Oh, you're worried now, aren't you?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Yeah, I would give a life prison sentence
0:21:08 > 0:21:10to anyone who works in Pret A Manger
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and when I order an individual yoghurt,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15they fail to remind me to get a spoon.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Cos they know, in half an hour, I'll be sat in a train
0:21:18 > 0:21:22head in my hands, thinking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Thinking, "Can I fold my lid into a spoon?"
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I don't have the origami skills, Hammersmith.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Cos I think, if you do a job, you should do the whole thing.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I got in a taxi the other day, gave him my destination
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and he turned round and said, "Have you got a preferred route?"
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Surely that is your job.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I might as well get in and him go, "Are you all right to do the gears?"
0:21:43 > 0:21:45LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"Cos I'm eating a Yorkie. I haven't a got hand free."
0:21:49 > 0:21:52But what I'm trying to tell you about the yoghurt, right...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54To cut a long story short,
0:21:54 > 0:21:55I don't know if you've ever bumped into someone
0:21:55 > 0:21:57you haven't seen in six months
0:21:57 > 0:21:59while you're on a train drinking a yoghurt...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:04It's a low moment.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You know they're going to report to mutual friends,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"I bumped into Josh." "How was he?" "Having a breakdown."
0:22:10 > 0:22:15"He was mixing the two sides of a Fruit Corner with his own tongue."
0:22:18 > 0:22:19"Has he got a girlfriend?"
0:22:19 > 0:22:22"Well, he was getting off with a Petits Filous, yeah."
0:22:25 > 0:22:27There's no panic like it on a train.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29The only panic closer on a train is when, out of nowhere,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31the announcement will come,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"At the next station, this train will be splitting in two.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"The front four coaches will be going..."
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I've never known if I'm in the front or the back four coaches.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43There'll be rumours flying around the carriage.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Stick your head out the window and count backwards.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I can't get the angle.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49One guy in headphones who hasn't heard -
0:22:49 > 0:22:51well, I'm not telling him. Unlucky, my friend.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Families being split up, like it's East and West Berlin.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You two go one way, we'll go the other.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Two of us will live on, the other two will end up in Littlehampton.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I do like the train, don't get me wrong. I love the train.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16It's my favourite way to travel. Not all the time.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I had one bad experience. I got a sleeper train.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I don't know if any of you have done this.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It's not, not a pleasurable experience.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It should be called the "lying awake for seven hours livid" train.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30The reason I got the sleeper train is my other option was to fly.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31I hate flying. It terrifies me.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I don't know how people aren't scared of flying.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36How are you OK with turbulence?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39The first time I heard about that, I couldn't believe my ears.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41What was that?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Oh, sorry, did we not tell you?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Sometimes when you're five miles in the air,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47the plane will go up and down uncontrollably
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and there's nothing the pilot can do about it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53That is not an acceptable feature!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56If you got on a bus and they went, "Just so you know,
0:23:56 > 0:23:57"sometimes, halfway down the motorway,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"we might just zigzag in and out of the lanes.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03"There's nothing the driver can do about it."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I mean, I will admit, I'm not an expert on aviation.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Someone asked me the other day, "What do you think about this debate
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"over whether Heathrow needs a third runway?"
0:24:15 > 0:24:19My first reaction was, "Has Heathrow only got two runways?"
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I assumed they had loads of them. It's a massive airport.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27That means they've got more WHSmiths than they've got runways!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I mean, it's not an airport.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34That's a newsagent with excellent transport links!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I know some people like flying.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45We all know, as well, why people like it -
0:24:45 > 0:24:47because of the departure lounge,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50because it's socially acceptable you can drink at any time.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54And I accept that. However, I tell you what's not socially acceptable -
0:24:54 > 0:24:56what I saw the other day in the departure lounge -
0:24:56 > 0:24:58a man at 7am, eating a Wagamama's.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02What the hell are you doing?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03That's not a thing.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05There was a guy having a Guinness, going,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07"Fucking hell, he's got problems, hasn't he?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"At least I'm taking on some iron."
0:25:14 > 0:25:16But I think people are too laissez faire,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18they're too laid-back about flying.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I was at an airport about a year ago.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23All the flights were cancelled, due to bad weather.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25But people were complaining.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Why are you complaining?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Surely far worse would be if you turn up at the airport
0:25:30 > 0:25:33and your flight is the only one that ISN'T cancelled.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35You turn up, they go,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39"easyJet, flight E4597 is going to have a go for it."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47We fly at a slightly faster pace than usual,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51and the shuttle bus will be taking off in five minutes.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54You get on, the masks are already down.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Do you want to see my passport?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58You won't need that where you're going, mate.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Do you have your dental records?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06And they don't reassure you when you get on.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07They do that announcement,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10"Just so you know, we're about half an hour late taking off
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"but, don't worry, I'll try and make up a bit of time in the air."
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I don't want to hear that! I'm shitting myself enough as it is,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20without the news you're going to be speeding!
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Might as well just say,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"Just so you know, we're a couple of hours behind, but don't worry,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"I know a short cut across North Korean airspace.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34"Tell you what, who fancies a loop the loop?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36"Fuck it, you only live once, don't you?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"I've seen the Red Devils do it. How difficult can it be?"
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And the entertainment is not enough to distract you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46The films, fine. The other options...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Who are these people on planes
0:26:48 > 0:26:51watching these single episodes of serial dramas?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Oh, series 5, episode 16 of Dexter.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Brilliant! That's exactly where I've got to in my box set.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I'll just go, "Well, I've missed the first 5 series and 15 episodes,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10"I'm sure I'll catch up."
0:27:10 > 0:27:11This was the worst.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I got on the other day... You will not believe this.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15One of the options, genuinely -
0:27:15 > 0:27:19series one, episode one of Lost.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:24The plane crash drama!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28What are the other options? The Buddy Holly Story?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It's unbelievable!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35That's still better than your other option, isn't it?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Watching that computerised map of your journey.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Who is that for? No, I'm not really into films.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44No, I think I'll just watch the satnav for the next six hours.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You know what I'm talking about?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52It's got a dot where you're coming from, a dot where you're going
0:27:52 > 0:27:54and a picture of a plane and you turn it on and go,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"I knew that information."
0:27:56 > 0:28:00I've never turned it on and gone, "Oh, fuck, I'm on the wrong plane.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04"Well, thank God I checked.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"That could have been awkward, couldn't it?"
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Also, why do I need to know how far I am on my route?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11I'll tell you when I'll get off - when I fucking land.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Oh, look, I'm going over my house. I'll jump out here.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Also, that plane - that's not to scale, is it?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28It's absolutely massive!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I flew from London to Aberdeen the other day,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33turned it on and all I could see was plane.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37If I walk down to the cockpit, I'm going to be there.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45There's always pointless statistics underneath.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Outside temperature, -40 degrees.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Give a shit! I'm in here!
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Oh, thank God I checked. I was going to nip out for a fag.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:01I'd better put my parka on before I go wing-walking, yeah?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08And then they turn the entertainment off as you're coming into land.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Why do you do that? "It's half an hour from landing,
0:29:10 > 0:29:12"we've got to turn the entertainment off."
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Why? Sorry, it's a video player.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17I refuse to accept that the technology interferes.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20"I'm afraid we're going to have to turn it off cos it turns out
0:29:20 > 0:29:23"the pause button is also the one that brings the wheels up and down."
0:29:23 > 0:29:26LAUGHTER
0:29:28 > 0:29:30I tell you what happened the other day.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32We were coming into land, someone pressed fast forward,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34and we only took off again.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I mean, what else could it be? Health and safety?
0:29:42 > 0:29:44I asked the air hostess, "Why is it?"
0:29:44 > 0:29:46She said, "It's health and safety."
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Sorry? That we're going to crash-land
0:29:48 > 0:29:51and I fail to get off cos I'm enjoying Paddington too much?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00So, that's why I got the sleeper train.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Have any of you here ever got a sleeper train?
0:30:06 > 0:30:08AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT
0:30:08 > 0:30:10I was worried about missing it cos it's the last train
0:30:10 > 0:30:13out of Edinburgh. I got there an hour and a half early.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16I don't know if you've ever tried killing an hour and a half
0:30:16 > 0:30:19at Edinburgh Waverley station at around midnight.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21There is very little to do.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24I think I am the person in the world who has come the closest
0:30:24 > 0:30:28at a station to paying 20p to weigh myself on those scales.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31LAUGHTER
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Who is using them?
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Occasionally, I pay 20p to go to the toilet, if I'm desperate.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41I've never been that desperate to know my own weight.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43I mean, maybe if I'd paid for the toilet
0:30:43 > 0:30:45and I wanted to check I've got my money's worth.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52They've always got an absolutely massive dial, haven't they?
0:30:52 > 0:30:54You've got to be confident that is going to be good news,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57otherwise there's going to be someone on the opposite platform,
0:30:57 > 0:31:00going, "Fucking hell, the Fat Controller's back in town."
0:31:03 > 0:31:05It's like the Countdown Clock.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07I don't want to find out like that.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09# De-de-de-de-de-de. # Fat. I don't want to know!
0:31:11 > 0:31:15What's it for? The harshest Weight Watchers meeting of all time?
0:31:15 > 0:31:17When's the next meeting?
0:31:17 > 0:31:19King's Cross St Pancras at rush hour, sir.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22See if you eat a Peperami this week, you fat bastard.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31I made the mistake, I didn't go with the scales. What I did, I upgraded.
0:31:31 > 0:31:36I paid 50p to kill some time on the massage chair.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I don't know if you've used one of these.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43I thought it would not just kill time, but relax me.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46I put in my 50p, sat down, it started.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50That's when I realised it's actually not that relaxing...
0:31:51 > 0:31:54..to be sexually assaulted by a chair on a public thoroughfare.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57It's pretty racy. At one point,
0:31:57 > 0:32:00I thought it was going to ask for 50p for a happy finish.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03It's going, right, and you're sat there, thinking,
0:32:03 > 0:32:06"I couldn't look more sinister if I tried.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08"Look at the grin on your face."
0:32:08 > 0:32:11And then I looked up, realised they had placed this chair
0:32:11 > 0:32:14opposite the exit to the women's toilets.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20I mean, never have I looked more sinister in my life.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23At one point, with the vibrations, I felt like we were moving forwards.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25I thought, "If I end up in the women's toilets,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28"I am not going to be able to explain this to the police."
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Well, I did kill an hour and a half, but it was in custody.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38So, I got the sleeper train.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Do not, if you get a sleeper train, travel alone.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43That was a mistake. Cos what happens was...
0:32:43 > 0:32:46This was the most absurd question I've been asked all year.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I went to buy the ticket and he said, "It'll be this much."
0:32:48 > 0:32:50And then this was the question he asked.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53He said, "It'll be this much,
0:32:53 > 0:32:56"or would you like to save £20
0:32:56 > 0:33:00"and share a compartment with a stranger?"
0:33:02 > 0:33:04No...
0:33:04 > 0:33:07I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Because the best case scenario there,
0:33:12 > 0:33:14is I'm asleep when he kills me.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20You might say no-one's ever murdered on a train. Have you seen Poirot?
0:33:20 > 0:33:22It's happening all the time!
0:33:23 > 0:33:25I mean, that is not an acceptable offer.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27I've never had that in a hotel.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31I've never got to the reception of a hotel,
0:33:31 > 0:33:33"There's your room, but I can knock off 20 quid
0:33:33 > 0:33:35"if you want to jump in with Lenny Henry."
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I think I'll leave it, if it's all the same with you.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45One of the options he said, "It's got lockable doors."
0:33:45 > 0:33:48That is of no use if he's already in there with me.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51All I've got now is a cellmate.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55I've had some bad sleeps recently.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58I slept on a single bed for the first time in ages recently.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Have you tried this as an adult?
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Were they always that thin?
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Sleeping on a bed? It's more like balancing on a log!
0:34:08 > 0:34:11I felt like I was working on my core strength to stay on.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12"Have you been working out?"
0:34:12 > 0:34:16No, I've been sleeping on a single bed. I'm fucking ripped, mate.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18It's like eight hours of Pilates every night.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Is that why people are so muscly when they get out of prison?
0:34:25 > 0:34:28They said, "You can push it next to the wall. Will that help?"
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I said, "No, cos then the best case scenario
0:34:31 > 0:34:34"is I roll over and hit a wall."
0:34:34 > 0:34:35"You slept in."
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Well, at 8am, I turned over and knocked myself out.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43It's the size of flannel.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45"Were you warm?"
0:34:45 > 0:34:47My knee was!
0:34:48 > 0:34:51I felt like I was in Sylvanian Families!
0:34:53 > 0:34:57I was just using it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve.
0:34:59 > 0:35:00We've all had bad sleeps.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03I know you've all had the one where you're tricked.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05You go to a friend's, they say, "Have another couple of drinks,
0:35:05 > 0:35:07"we've got a spare bed." One in the morning,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09"we'll just go and fetch you the air bed." What?
0:35:09 > 0:35:11"You're all right on an air bed, aren't you?"
0:35:11 > 0:35:14No, cos this isn't the outback!
0:35:14 > 0:35:16I'm not sleeping on an air bed
0:35:16 > 0:35:19cos I'm not George Michael at Club Tropicana.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22They bring it down and you're stood there for two hours.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24"Are you all right?" No, I'm waking up.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27I feel like Michael Flatley in training.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32I've never got the guts to pump it up to the top so, in the end,
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I am lying hard on the floor, while two bits of air bed
0:35:35 > 0:35:39sandwich around me, like I'm the sausage in a hot dog.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Oh, my God, have you done the couple on an air bed?
0:35:46 > 0:35:48That's a tense night, isn't it?
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Get a point of balance, do not move a muscle.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56One of you breathes out, you both roll into the middle.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Oh, I tell you the other one I hate.
0:36:02 > 0:36:03You go to a hotel, you ask for a double bed,
0:36:03 > 0:36:06they've clearly pushed two singles together.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08You can feel the crack of doom.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11You're just lying there on the edge of your bed, going,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"Please don't let me roll into the crack in the middle of the night
0:36:14 > 0:36:16"and be swallowed by my own bed."
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Lenny Henry lying there...
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Where did he go? I'm not paying full price, he was here!
0:36:23 > 0:36:25LAUGHTER
0:36:29 > 0:36:34I've got a double bed. It might be a queen size, it might be a king size.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36No-one knows, do they?
0:36:36 > 0:36:38All you know is your bed is one bigger
0:36:38 > 0:36:41than the sheet you just bought.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43LAUGHTER
0:36:45 > 0:36:48You'll try and fit it on though, won't you? "I can do this."
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Till after about an hour, when you go,
0:36:50 > 0:36:53"Well, I don't need a sheet on all four corners of my bed, do I?
0:36:53 > 0:36:58"I'll just go for three and then the world's most powerful catapult."
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Four in the morning, thrust into the wall at 80mph.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- What's your name, sir?- Dan.- Dan.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12- What bed have you got, Dan? - A double bed.- Just a double bed.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14What did you have when you were a kid, as a bed?
0:37:14 > 0:37:18- Single bed.- Single bed. Just a classic single?- Yeah.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21No bells or whistles. I'd have killed for that, mate.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24Do you know what I had? I'll tell you.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Cos otherwise it would be an awful question to ask you.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I had a thing called a cabin bed.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32If you don't know what a cabin bed is, Dan, I'll explain it to you.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36What it was, it was the height of a bunk bed but, below it,
0:37:36 > 0:37:38instead of another bed, I had a desk.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42Basically, my parents had made the executive decision
0:37:42 > 0:37:45that I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57People would come round. "Can I say over?"
0:37:57 > 0:37:59No, but you can catch up on your admin.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04What seven-year-old needs quick access to a desk
0:38:04 > 0:38:05in the middle of the night?
0:38:05 > 0:38:09Wake up at three in the morning. I need to pen my memoirs.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk bed ladder!
0:38:16 > 0:38:18There was nothing like it, was there?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21"Do you want to go to bed?" No, I prefer to keep my feet.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25It was like a biblical punishment.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35Sometimes my parents would come up, I'd just be asleep on the desk.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38"He's working late, isn't he?"
0:38:38 > 0:38:41Those memoirs aren't going to pen themselves.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47I did have a cabin bed.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50I tell you how my mum tried to convince me
0:38:50 > 0:38:53that it was a good thing to have a cabin bed. This is what she said.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57She said, "Actually, Josh, you should be really pleased
0:38:57 > 0:39:01"you've got a cabin bed cos, actually, it's a very grown-up bed."
0:39:05 > 0:39:10Now, I'm a grown-up now. That is not the case, is it?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13I don't know if there's any single women here
0:39:13 > 0:39:15but, if you went back to a guy's house...
0:39:19 > 0:39:22..and things were going pretty well
0:39:22 > 0:39:25and he went, "Do you want to come through to my bedroom?
0:39:25 > 0:39:27"Put your shoes back on."
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34He works hard and he plays hard!
0:39:37 > 0:39:40I wasn't a cool child, I'll admit that.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Is there anyone here who is under 16?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44You, first row.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47- What's your name?- Phoebe. - I'll tell you what, Phoebe.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50I'll test who was the cooler teenager, me or you.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54It's very simple. I'm just going to ask you a yes/no question.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58- You OK with that?- Yeah.- OK, here's the question. It's very simple.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01This is to judge who was the cooler kid, me or you.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04When you were ten...
0:40:05 > 0:40:07..did you have your own Filofax?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13I bet you don't even know what a Filofax is, do you?
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Imagine the calendar section of your iPhone in a ring binder.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23If you haven't got an iPhone... I've got an iPhone.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25It's not actually the worst phone...
0:40:25 > 0:40:28It annoys me but it's not the worst phone I've got. I've got a landline.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31My girlfriend bought us a phone for our landline.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34She went out and she bought one of those retro turny phones.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37Have you tried making a call on one of these?
0:40:37 > 0:40:40You phone someone with a nine in their number,
0:40:40 > 0:40:41it's quicker walking to their house.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47I mean, if we get burgled, you go, "999, are you kidding me?"
0:40:47 > 0:40:50I'd like to report a burglary. "When did it happen?"
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Six months ago
0:40:52 > 0:40:54when I started making this call.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56"What have they taken?"
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Everything except my shit phone.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04She bought it at a charity shop. A charity shop?
0:41:04 > 0:41:07Think about how a phone ends up in a charity shop. Think about it.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09We own a dead man's phone.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Do you know the last number dialled on our phone?
0:41:12 > 0:41:1599. That is the last number dialled on our phone.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Sorry, Phoebe, I digress.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22The question is a simple yes or no.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Did you have a Filofax when you were ten?
0:41:25 > 0:41:28- No.- No, you win, Phoebe.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30I'll admit it. I had a Filofax.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32I want you to believe me at this point, Phoebe,
0:41:32 > 0:41:34so I brought it with me as proof.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Here it is. This is my Fun Fax. There it is.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:40 > 0:41:43- Got a higher reception than- I- did at the top!
0:41:43 > 0:41:45There it is. I don't know why I had this.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48I don't know how I thought this was going to help me
0:41:48 > 0:41:49in my day-to-day life.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51How I imagined my day would go -
0:41:51 > 0:41:53wake up, put my shoes on,
0:41:53 > 0:41:55go down my ladder...
0:41:59 > 0:42:02Check my Filofax. Have I got any meetings? No.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Because I'm ten.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09In fact, I've got a lot fewer social engagements
0:42:09 > 0:42:13since I started walking round the playground with my own Filofax.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Oh, well, I'll just put my Fun Fax away
0:42:19 > 0:42:21and read my broadsheet newspaper, the Funday Times,
0:42:21 > 0:42:24cos, clearly, if you put the word "fun" in front of anything
0:42:24 > 0:42:26when I was a kid, I'd have loved it.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29I've got a fungal nail infection. Brilliant!
0:42:33 > 0:42:37I got my dad to send me this. It's a weird old thing, actually.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40You've got the diary here, all the dates for your diary.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43They've marked in important dates for you to learn.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45So, July here, we've got...
0:42:45 > 0:42:47So, July 4th, Declaration of Independence,
0:42:47 > 0:42:51July 20th, Neil Armstrong becomes the first man on the moon.
0:42:51 > 0:42:55I would question how few important days they could find for September.
0:42:55 > 0:42:59Just one date for your diary. September 1st,
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Gloria Estefan's birthday.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08Was that a bigger cultural event than I remember?
0:43:08 > 0:43:09"Can you come out tonight, Josh?"
0:43:09 > 0:43:12No, I'm afraid it's Gloria Estefan's birthday.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14We're having our annual family meal.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18It's Estefanmas at my house, Oh, yeah.
0:43:18 > 0:43:19"What about tomorrow?"
0:43:19 > 0:43:22No, I'm afraid it's Cyndi Lauper's baptism. It's quite the week.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29This is my favourite section - Amazing Fun Facts.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31You can learn things.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34For instance, the first one is, "Cats use whiskers
0:43:34 > 0:43:36"to judge whether they can fit through gaps."
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Though I would question this,
0:43:38 > 0:43:42cos I've never actually seen it in action. I've never seen a cat...
0:43:46 > 0:43:49No, I'm going to leave it, if it's all the same with you.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51Although to be fair, I've never seen a cat with its head in railings
0:43:51 > 0:43:54going, "Fucking hell, those whiskers didn't work, did they?"
0:43:58 > 0:44:00This is the weird bit, though, the Fun Facts, right,
0:44:00 > 0:44:02cos it gets slightly sexist.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05Jane Austen here, she is described, not as an author,
0:44:05 > 0:44:07but as an authoress,
0:44:07 > 0:44:11so they can go, "Yeah, she's an author, but she's a fucking woman."
0:44:11 > 0:44:15As if the word "Jane" hadn't given it away in the first place.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17And you might say I'm jumping to conclusions.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20I'm just going to read you one fact from the Amazing Fun Facts
0:44:20 > 0:44:23and you can judge for yourself whether you think
0:44:23 > 0:44:26they were promoting a sexist message to children. Here it is.
0:44:26 > 0:44:27The fact is,
0:44:27 > 0:44:31"The word 'bride' comes from an old German word
0:44:31 > 0:44:33"meaning to 'cook'."
0:44:34 > 0:44:37And the title they've given that fact is,
0:44:37 > 0:44:39"She knows what's expected of her."
0:44:41 > 0:44:43I mean, I don't know what shit
0:44:43 > 0:44:46the guy that was writing the Fun Facts was going through at the time.
0:44:46 > 0:44:48Have you got any more facts, Steve?
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Yeah, one in three women are cheating bitches
0:44:51 > 0:44:54that will rip out your heart as soon as look at you.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58Steve, you've got to move on. The relationship's over.
0:44:58 > 0:45:00Gloria Estefan has left you, mate.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04You've got a children's Filofax to write, man.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09I shouldn't really make jokes about break-ups.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12We all know going through a break-up is the hardest thing in the world.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14Actually, the second hardest thing in the world.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16We all know the hardest thing in the world
0:45:16 > 0:45:19and that is picking a CD up off a laminate floor.
0:45:19 > 0:45:21LAUGHTER
0:45:24 > 0:45:25That's tough, isn't it? Drop a CD.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27Well, that's four hours of my life gone.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29Chase it around like it's air hockey.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32I'm never going to get my fingernails under it.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34If we sell the house, I'm going to have to make it a feature.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37Come in. We've got a microwave, a fridge freezer,
0:45:37 > 0:45:39that's Urban Hymns by The Verve.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41LAUGHTER
0:45:42 > 0:45:45How am I meant to pick it up, a plunger? I don't own a plunger.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47I'm not going to call out a plumber.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49You all right, mate? What's the job?
0:45:49 > 0:45:50Pick that up, will you?
0:45:50 > 0:45:52Why do you recognise me?
0:45:52 > 0:45:54I flooded my landing just two weeks ago.
0:45:57 > 0:45:59The reason I've got this,
0:45:59 > 0:46:03I wanted to prove to you that that is what my childhood was like,
0:46:03 > 0:46:04growing up in Devon in the '90s,
0:46:04 > 0:46:07cos the last bit, I'm going to talk about that.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10And it sounds absurd when I talk about what it was like
0:46:10 > 0:46:12growing up in Dartmoor, just 20 years ago.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15Yet all of this is true. I had a Fun Fax.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18That was a cool thing in those days. I'll just give you an idea.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21How many kids have you got in your year at school, Phoebe?
0:46:21 > 0:46:22- Um...100.- 100.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25Do you know how many kids I had in my year at primary school?
0:46:25 > 0:46:27Four.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30There was a five-a-side football tournament we couldn't enter.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34We genuinely had one thing in our playground -
0:46:34 > 0:46:37a tyre, like a monkey enclosure.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40Not even on a rope, just lying there,
0:46:40 > 0:46:43as if there'd been a car crash and it had bounced over
0:46:43 > 0:46:45and they'd gone, "Fuck it, they'll enjoy it."
0:46:45 > 0:46:49We genuinely, no word of a lie, had a lesson, once a week,
0:46:49 > 0:46:51where we listened to the radio.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56Like evacuees, waiting for news from the front.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00I don't remember what the show was. I imagine it was educational.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03It wasn't just the teacher going, "Sod this, I'm off for a fag.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05"Here's Steve Wright. Enjoy yourself, losers.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09"Let's hope these factoids come up in the exam."
0:47:10 > 0:47:13So, I question these things, growing up, whether they were real.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15Harvest festivals. Did you have that?
0:47:15 > 0:47:18Once a year, at the time of the harvest,
0:47:18 > 0:47:22we'd bring in tins of food that we'd give to the local old people.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25Basically, we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people
0:47:25 > 0:47:28food that was going to last longer than they did.
0:47:30 > 0:47:32Here you go. Enjoy that, if I was you, quickly.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Always things that had nothing to do with the harvest.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37Who has ever harvested Spam?
0:47:39 > 0:47:41What did we think was growing in fields?
0:47:41 > 0:47:44That field, that's Angel Delight,
0:47:44 > 0:47:46and that one is Cheese Strings, pick your own.
0:47:48 > 0:47:49We'd look forward to anything.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51We'd look forward to mufti day, non-uniform day.
0:47:51 > 0:47:55We loved that. We loved it cos we were excited.
0:47:55 > 0:47:56But why were we excited?
0:47:56 > 0:47:59How exciting is wearing your own clothes?
0:47:59 > 0:48:01I never sat at home, going, "Fucking brilliant time."
0:48:01 > 0:48:04What am I up to? Wearing my own clothes.
0:48:04 > 0:48:08Hey, Steve, do you want to come round and wear your own clothes?
0:48:08 > 0:48:10It IS a weird question, isn't it?
0:48:10 > 0:48:14But we loved it cos we knew someone was going to forget.
0:48:14 > 0:48:15Oh, yeah!
0:48:15 > 0:48:19He'd take his tie off. You are fooling no-one, my friend.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23My teacher would go, "It's like a fashion show, isn't it?"
0:48:23 > 0:48:25No, it's not. It's far more brutal.
0:48:25 > 0:48:29Cos, never at a fashion show, is David Gandy chased around
0:48:29 > 0:48:32while everyone else attempts to rip off his Adidas popper trousers.
0:48:34 > 0:48:36I would say, if you're wearing quick-release trousers
0:48:36 > 0:48:38to a mufti day, you are your own worst enemy.
0:48:38 > 0:48:41You make it to registration and you're not in your pants,
0:48:41 > 0:48:43consider that a victory.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46The biggest mistake I ever made, I'll admit this.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49I wore swimming shorts. I thought they were normal shorts.
0:48:49 > 0:48:53People said, "Why have they got the netting pants inside?"
0:48:53 > 0:48:54I don't even know why they've got
0:48:54 > 0:48:57the netting pants in swimming shorts. You don't need them.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00It wouldn't be an issue. You wouldn't get to swim and go,
0:49:00 > 0:49:03"Sorry, I can't go in, cos I've forgotten my netting pants.
0:49:03 > 0:49:06"But I've got a bag of tangerines. I could make do and mend."
0:49:08 > 0:49:10I'm going into the sea.
0:49:10 > 0:49:12I know what happens when you take netting into the sea.
0:49:12 > 0:49:16I don't want to do that. I'm swimming, not dredging for mackerel.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18"How was the swim?"
0:49:18 > 0:49:20Put it this way, fire up the barbecue
0:49:20 > 0:49:22and dinner will be served.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26We didn't even learn anything good.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28Art class, I wanted to learn to draw.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30The only tip I remember learning from art class -
0:49:30 > 0:49:35when drawing a face, always remember the eyes are exactly halfway down.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37No, they're not.
0:49:37 > 0:49:39Have you seen a face?
0:49:39 > 0:49:42Oh, yeah, of course my eyes are halfway down.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45That's why I wear my glasses under my ears.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47What does he look like?
0:49:47 > 0:49:49Normal bloke, 50% forehead.
0:49:51 > 0:49:54The only way that tip is of any use is if the question in the exam
0:49:54 > 0:49:56is draw Ant from Ant and Dec.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01Science, the only thing I learnt in science
0:50:01 > 0:50:03was how to use a Bunsen burner.
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Not a skill I've needed in later life.
0:50:05 > 0:50:06Never did someone come round...
0:50:06 > 0:50:09Do you want a cup of tea? I'll just pop on the Bunsen burner.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11Blue flame, I'm not an idiot.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16Only one use for orange flame, wasn't there?
0:50:16 > 0:50:17HE BLOWS
0:50:17 > 0:50:21Oh, that just happened. Your eyes aren't deceiving you.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24Never see one as an adult. Never outside a pub,
0:50:24 > 0:50:26"Have you got a light?" Yeah, have you got a gas tap?
0:50:28 > 0:50:31Also, what is going on with health and safety in schools?
0:50:31 > 0:50:33I'm not allowed a conker in the playground
0:50:33 > 0:50:36but I am allowed a flame-thrower in the classroom?
0:50:37 > 0:50:40The only other piece of equipment we ever used in science was,
0:50:40 > 0:50:43once a week, we'd be dispatched to the car park
0:50:43 > 0:50:44with a wheel on a stick.
0:50:44 > 0:50:47A trundle wheel.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50We'd just walk around for hours, just clicking.
0:50:50 > 0:50:52I don't know what I'm learning here.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55Is this going to come up in the exam?
0:50:55 > 0:50:58Question one, explain photosynthesis.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01Question two, how big is the car park...
0:51:02 > 0:51:04..to the nearest ten clicks?
0:51:04 > 0:51:07That's why the best day in science, the best day in all of school,
0:51:07 > 0:51:10was when they go, "And today, we're going to watch the television."
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Brilliant, like at home. No, not like at home,
0:51:12 > 0:51:14cos this TV show will be shit.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17But they'd build up the excitement, the teacher,
0:51:17 > 0:51:22by leaving the room and then slowly wheeling the TV back in,
0:51:22 > 0:51:25like it was the Queen.
0:51:26 > 0:51:28All hail the television!
0:51:28 > 0:51:32And then they'd fail to make it work for 20 minutes
0:51:32 > 0:51:34and wheel it back out...
0:51:35 > 0:51:37..and bring out the trundle wheels.
0:51:37 > 0:51:39LAUGHTER
0:51:40 > 0:51:44That's how it worked, Phoebe. You've got to believe me on that.
0:51:44 > 0:51:48Before I go, I should admit that I have told one lie.
0:51:48 > 0:51:52I have told one lie about growing up. I should admit that before I go.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55I should admit this is not my Fun Fax. I will admit that.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58I did have a Fun Fax, but I phoned my dad.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00I said, "Have you got my Fun Fax?"
0:52:00 > 0:52:02He said, "No, we didn't think you'd want it. We threw it away."
0:52:02 > 0:52:05I said, "I wish you'd done that 20 years ago, mate."
0:52:05 > 0:52:08I had to go on Amazon Marketplace to get this.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11They are now a collector's item.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13I had to pay 40 quid for this!
0:52:14 > 0:52:18I am now the only person in the UK who has bought a Fun Fax
0:52:18 > 0:52:20and claimed it as a business expense.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28The problem is, once you get it,
0:52:28 > 0:52:31you start getting the "Amazon recommends" e-mails, don't you?
0:52:31 > 0:52:33Before you know it, you get addicted to the fucking inserts.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36Look at that!
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Friendship bracelets, face painting, calculator fun.
0:52:39 > 0:52:42Not one mention of the word BOOBS.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46However, there is a bit where it says,
0:52:46 > 0:52:49"Write in the numbers 37818,
0:52:49 > 0:52:51"turn your calculator upside down. What have you got?
0:52:51 > 0:52:53"The word 'BIBLE'."
0:52:53 > 0:52:56That is NOT calculator fun!
0:52:56 > 0:53:00Hey, guys, a bit of fun, the word of our Lord. Get involved.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03A Beginner's Guide To First Aid.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05I'm sorry, but if I broke my leg,
0:53:05 > 0:53:08and a kid showed up and got this out, I would shit myself.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15I suppose, I can only really end with something
0:53:15 > 0:53:19from the Fun Fax's book of jokes - Jokes And More Jokes.
0:53:19 > 0:53:23It seems appropriate. I tell you what, I'll pick a random page.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Dan, you can pick the joke number.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28Page 42, that is.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32That's "Udderly Hilarious Jokes". Jokes about cows.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36I'll give you a practice joke, just so you can get a taste for them.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38"What do you call a sleeping cow?
0:53:38 > 0:53:41"A bulldozer." SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER
0:53:41 > 0:53:43Right, a few of you enjoyed it.
0:53:43 > 0:53:46The rest of you are going to need to get on board.
0:53:47 > 0:53:51One, two, three, four, five. Dan, a joke from one to five.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54- Three.- Three. OK, to finish the show...
0:53:56 > 0:53:58..and the DVD, Dan.
0:54:00 > 0:54:03An udderly hilarious joke from the Fun Fax's book of jokes,
0:54:03 > 0:54:05Jokes And More Jokes.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07One, two, three, right.
0:54:07 > 0:54:10"What do you call a cow with no feelings?
0:54:10 > 0:54:12"My ex-wife."
0:54:22 > 0:54:25Way to ruin the DVD, Dan.
0:54:26 > 0:54:28You've been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:54:28 > 0:54:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:49 > 0:54:52I've got a few loose ends to tie up before I go,
0:54:52 > 0:54:55I want to fill you in with.
0:54:55 > 0:54:59Number one, I should say, this has been the elephant in the room,
0:54:59 > 0:55:00I should deal with this.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04I know that this year GQ produced their list
0:55:04 > 0:55:07of the ten best and worst-dressed men in Britain.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12- Was I on the best-dressed list? Of course, I f... AUDIENCE MEMBER:- No!
0:55:12 > 0:55:14All right!
0:55:14 > 0:55:18No, I wasn't. I was the second worst-dressed man in Britain,
0:55:18 > 0:55:21according to GQ magazine.
0:55:21 > 0:55:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:23 > 0:55:26BOOING
0:55:26 > 0:55:28A picture of me in a flat cap.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30I was going to the fucking gym, OK!
0:55:34 > 0:55:38They described my style, genuinely, word for word,
0:55:38 > 0:55:41as "an update on Bilbo Baggins".
0:55:43 > 0:55:46He's not even a historical figure!
0:55:46 > 0:55:48How could it be an update?
0:55:50 > 0:55:55It was judged by... One of the judges was Giorgio Armani.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57I didn't even know that was a real person!
0:55:58 > 0:56:01I thought he was made up, like George at Asda.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Number one, any guesses?
0:56:08 > 0:56:09Paul Hollywood.
0:56:12 > 0:56:14Paul Hollywood. I met him a few months ago. Very nice man.
0:56:14 > 0:56:18He came up to me and said, "Really, really unfair, isn't it,
0:56:18 > 0:56:21us two being voted the two worst-dressed men in Britain?"
0:56:21 > 0:56:23And I thought, "Well, ME, yeah.
0:56:24 > 0:56:27"Have a look at yourself, mate, you're a state.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30"You've got boot-cut jeans and your cuffs overturned.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32"Also, while you're here,
0:56:32 > 0:56:35"how much water do I need to put on a naan bread?"
0:56:43 > 0:56:45I've got one more thing
0:56:45 > 0:56:47I want to show you before I go. Give me one sec.
0:56:55 > 0:56:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:57:07 > 0:57:09It's annoying that doesn't work.
0:57:09 > 0:57:12It always gets a clap and a laugh, but you have to question,
0:57:12 > 0:57:15was it worth bringing it on tour for 50 nights?
0:57:17 > 0:57:19Particularly as I was travelling by train.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22It was unbelievable! I had to put it on the seat next to me.
0:57:22 > 0:57:24Jeremy Corbyn was fucking livid.
0:57:32 > 0:57:36See, wait 90 minutes, you'll finally get one satirical joke.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Tell you what, Phoebe, I'll blow your mind one more time.
0:57:41 > 0:57:44You're not going to believe this. Whoa, look at the depth of that!
0:57:46 > 0:57:48Whoa! Do you know what's in there?
0:57:48 > 0:57:50Me neither, but we don't need it any more, do we?
0:57:53 > 0:57:55That's the thing about old TVs, wasn't it?
0:57:55 > 0:57:57The screen was smaller but they were closer.
0:58:01 > 0:58:05We brought this out in Exeter. We got three bids on it.
0:58:07 > 0:58:09You have been absolutely lovely.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11Can I just thank you all for coming
0:58:11 > 0:58:13because it genuinely means the world to me?
0:58:17 > 0:58:20Thank you so much for listening. It was a joy to play for you.
0:58:20 > 0:58:22Thank you very much. Cheers, goodnight!
0:58:22 > 0:58:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE