0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:04 > 0:00:08- Luisa, what do we know about Luisa? - Love her.- Amazing.- She's really funny, as well.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10She's a cool girl, that's why we're back.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- Looking forward to it. - Have a good night.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Thank you so much for coming to the show.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18What I like to do is make sure that we have a bit of
0:00:18 > 0:00:20a party!
0:00:20 > 0:00:21CHEERING
0:00:21 > 0:00:24MUSIC PLAYS: Feel The Love by Rudimental ft John Newman
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Welcome to the show!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Yay!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Take a seat, take a seat, right,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44basically, I need a warm-up act, because, like,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Beyonce wouldn't introduce herself, so, you wouldn't get Beyonce being,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51like, "Oh, welcome to the stage, me."
0:00:51 > 0:00:55So, who here wants to be my warm-up act?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Me!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Oh, I love that, this is so cute,
0:00:59 > 0:01:03the person that avoids all eye contact automatically nominates themselves.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Welcome to the stage, this woman in the white top, you, come on,
0:01:06 > 0:01:07welcome, welcome her to the stage.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09CHEERING
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- Hi.- Hi. Hi.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15What's your name?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Shanine.- Hi, Shanine. OK, guys, can I have some privacy, please, for me
0:01:18 > 0:01:20and Shanine. OK, so...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26OK, Shanine, what I need you to do is come out here, do your best fire, right?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Just a bit of banter. Be like, "Hi, what do you do for a living?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:30There'll be, like, a postwoman,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33then just drop a really good joke about being a postwoman,
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I can't write all the jokes for you, babe, you got to do some work yourself. Right.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42You're going to be, like, welcome to the stage, Luisa Omielan. Omielan. Not Omelian. Not, "I'm a man".
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Not, "You're a twat, why did you bring me up here?"
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Omielan.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Omielan. Right? Then you've got to go, "What would Beyonce do?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:53OK, you've got to be really, like, "What would Beyonce do?!"
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Yeah? And this lot are going to go batshit cray.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- You're not even ready.- I was going to say, can we rehearse this?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02No rehearsal, bitch, no rehearsal,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- no, right.- No pressure.- No pressure.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09No, I mean, I'm only filming it for the BBC, no pressure at all.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11"So, Luisa Omielan, what would Beyonce do?"
0:02:11 > 0:02:14You're not ready for how much love they're going to give you, OK?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- You're not even ready.- I want all the love.- You want all the love.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Don't get too used to it, babe, they are here to see me, OK?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21You got this.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You've got this. Deep breath.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25You're nervous, fuck, how do you think I feel?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27All right, go on, then.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Right, OK, you're Shanine, right?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Yes.- Yeah, OK. Shanine, hey, listen, to help you get into character,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35just think of yourself as the Kelly or Michelle.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:41CHEERING
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Welcome, everyone,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45to Luisa Omielan - What Would Beyonce Do?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47CHEERING
0:02:47 > 0:02:49MUSIC PLAYS: Crazy In Love by Beyonce
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Make some noise.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Welcome to What Would Beyonce Do?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29CHEERING
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Make some noise for Shanine.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Now, guys,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37this isn't a show where I'm like, "Oh, my God, I love Beyonce!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39"I wish I was like Beyonce!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:41In this show, I am Beyonce,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43OK? OK.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And it's weird because in many ways me and Beyonce are really similar,
0:03:46 > 0:03:47like, it's crazy, right?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Very often people get me and Beyonce confused.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51It's adorable.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54You see, growing up, I thought I'd have the same lifestyle as Beyonce,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57but God decided to give me a very different set of cards.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02It's weird, because we are so similar that people very often confuse us.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Like, only the other day somebody stopped me on the street and went,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06"Oh, my God are you mixed race?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"Thanks, babe.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"Just a winning smile and a zest for life, but thank you."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17But here's how I realised that being Beyonce,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19we're like sisters from another mister, right?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Because I was at home and my little brother blocked the toilet
0:04:22 > 0:04:24with a really big poo.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You know the kind that's very long and thick.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31If it was a willy, he'd be well in, but it's not, is it, babe?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And my mum said to me it's my job to unblock it, right?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35So I'm there with a toilet brush,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38desperately try to make this thing go down that one-way system, right?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And the water's spitting back in my...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And my mum says to me, "Luisa, that's not going to work,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47"you'll have a go to the garden to fetch a stick."
0:04:47 > 0:04:49So, I found myself not long ago, guys,
0:04:49 > 0:04:54walking round my back garden looking for a reasonable-size stick
0:04:54 > 0:04:57to break up my little brother's poo with.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And while I was doing that, I couldn't help but think to myself...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04.."Does this happen to Beyonce?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:09In which case, why the fuck is it happening to me?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Look at me, look at me, right?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Now, because of my attitude, I get called a diva all the time.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I don't give a watt. Give me a cheer if you've ever been called a diva.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18CHEERING
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Right? It's a good thing.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It's a good thing. Because as far as I am concerned,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- a diva is a female version... AUDIENCE:- ..of a hustler,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26of a hustler, of a hustler!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Yes, give yourselves a round of applause.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30That's the right answer.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33But here's the thing -
0:05:33 > 0:05:36if she couldn't sing and she couldn't dance but she was fabulous
0:05:36 > 0:05:39in every other way, when life gives her lemons...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42PS, FYI, I wrote this show five and a half years ago,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I've been saying that line for five and a half years
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and then the bitch brings out the album not long ago.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49If that's not a sign that me and her were separated at birth,
0:05:49 > 0:05:54I don't know what is. When life gives her lemons, what would Beyonce do?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57We are about to find out, are you up for this?
0:05:57 > 0:06:02Yes. OK. Rule number one, in the Bible of Beyonce, thou art Bootylicious.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- What are you?- Bootylicious.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Damn right, you are. Bootylicious, damn right you are.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I love my body, I love getting a tan.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Who here likes tanning?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11CHEERING
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Yeah. Because cellulite has never looked sexier than when it's orange,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16am I right, ladies?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19MUSIC PLAYS: Bootylicious by Destiny's Child
0:06:25 > 0:06:26I can't hear you.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28CHEERING
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Let me hear you sing.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Why?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43# My body's too bootylicious for you, babe... #
0:06:43 > 0:06:45CHEERING
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Damn right it is. Now...
0:06:55 > 0:06:59I've got a big bum, it's massive, but it's behind me, so...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Never bothered doing anything about it.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06In front of my face, I'd fix it. Behind me, couldn't give a fuck.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Let's talk about eating disorders for a minute, shall we?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Let's talk about eating disorders.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I'm sorry, anorexia, bulimia, boo-hoo-hoo, you bitches have had your five,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19it's people like me you should feel sorry for, yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Because I grew up skinny, yeah, I was one of them.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I was one of them.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27And we don't get any fucking sympathy, do we?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30No. Because I've got the opposite of body dysmorphia,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33where I get naked in the mirror and I still feel like, whoo, damn!
0:07:36 > 0:07:41And my Facebook pictures tell me that's not quite the reality, is it?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43See, when I was younger, I was really skinny, right,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45so when I was younger, I'd be at school
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and all my friends had eating disorders.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49So I'd be in the toilet cubicle at break time, right?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52And they'd all be in the loo like this, "Oh, Take That have split up."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54MIMICS RETCHING
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Where I was called Twig Face, so I'd be outside the cubicle, like...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02The only problem is, as they've got older, they've learned to go to the gym
0:08:02 > 0:08:06to lose the weight, so they're all working out, like, oh, pick up a tree.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I, I go into New Look, pick up a size-eight pair of jeans that don't
0:08:09 > 0:08:10fit around my left big toe.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I'm there for a good half hour going...
0:08:15 > 0:08:18SHE STRAINS
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"Excuse me.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28"Well, this is very strange...
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"Obviously, New Look have done something with their sizes.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"This has nothing to do with me."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I'm a size 14 now, bitches, a size 14!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41CHEERING
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Yeah. I'll tell you who's cheering, the fucking skinny bitches,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47fucking cheering, fuck you with your carrots.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I've got cellulite to the back of my knees, to the back of my knees.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54But I love cellulite. Oh, I love cellulite.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I see an orange in a fruit bowl and get a wide on, you know?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Because the way I see it, I might be a size 14,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05have cellulite on the back of my knees, but if I'm sat on your face, mate,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08it means one thing, you are lucky!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I just did a royal wave.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20But sometimes I get quite shy.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Especially when I'm naked. So shy, I'm so shy.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Like, you know when you wake up in the morning next to some dude
0:09:29 > 0:09:32after you've just had sexy time, do you ever have those days?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Sexy time. And you wake up first thing, right,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and you quickly got to run to the bathroom to brush your teeth
0:09:38 > 0:09:40and put on some make-up before he wakes up
0:09:40 > 0:09:42and is, like, "Ah, who the fuck are you?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Now, maybe when Beyonce wakes up she's, like, "I can see a halo, halo, halo.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"I woke up like this."
0:09:50 > 0:09:52When I wake up in the morning, I look like...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"Oh, no, please stay, don't be scared, Luisa's gone downstairs,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"I'm her sister, hello.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05"She asked me to keep the bed warm for you.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09"No, relax, you can't get out of that window anyway, Luisa, she's coming,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12"Luisa!"
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Now, here's my problem.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I can't just walk out, right, because I'm butt naked in the morning,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18why am I butt naked?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Because my knickers are on the top of his cupboard somewhere
0:10:21 > 0:10:23because you are flexible when you are drunk.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I can't just walk out and let him see all of my nakedness,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29are you fucking joking, babe?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33"I was breathing in for eight and a half hours, I'm not ruining the facade now.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"I'm not ruining the facade now."
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I don't think you lot realise how much effort I put into wooing this fool,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42because when I make love, Clapham Grand, when I make love,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45it's like a hip-hop video.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Apart from I cry a little bit, you know, whatever.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Cos you know when a guy is making love to you from behind, right?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58He's being all, like, romantic and sensual, right?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00And he's there behind you like this.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Like bam. Like bam. Like bam, bam, bam.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07"I'm going to beat that pussy up. I'm going to beat that pussy up."
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Just really caring.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And you find yourself in front of him, like this.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20SHE CRIES
0:11:27 > 0:11:28"I miss my ex-boyfriend!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You can't just walk out, can you?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's not until you are really in love
0:11:42 > 0:11:45that you'll let him see all the dimples, is it?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47When you're in love, you'll let him see all the flaws and all.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I was in love like that once. I was crazy in love with my ex-boyfriend.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54I was so in love with him, we used to sing a duet together where I'd be, like,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57# I am in love with you, you set me free. #
0:11:57 > 0:12:00And he'd be, like, "You are dumped, please, go away."
0:12:02 > 0:12:05But more on that later because it's quite a sad story and this is
0:12:05 > 0:12:09a comedy. I say more on it later, the majority of the show...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Sorry if you thought this was all going to be about Beyonce,
0:12:12 > 0:12:17no, this is my Adele 21, bitches, this is my Adele 21!
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Now, what people don't realise is how much effort it takes for people
0:12:26 > 0:12:29like Beyonce and myself to look this fly.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You laughed too hard at that, there was no joke there.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36I have to get my eyebrows done on, like, a bi-weekly basis.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39First time I went into the salon, the lady there was, like,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42MIMICS CHINESE ACCENT: "Ah, you want your chin done, too?"
0:12:52 > 0:12:53"I do now, yes."
0:12:56 > 0:12:58But I will pay that price for beauty.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Why? Because I'm an independent woman. Give me a cheer if you're an independent woman.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04CHEERING
0:13:04 > 0:13:06There's a lot of you bitches in the house.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Give me a cheer if you're an independent woman who's in your 30s
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and moved back in with your mum. Yeah!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14That's our... That's our...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I moved back into my mum's house, right?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Now, my mum's Polish, she's not a cleaner, don't be such a racist,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21why would you say that? That's so racist,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24she should be, she's a very good one, she loves cleaning.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Like, whenever she gets stressed, she cleans.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Like, when the bills come in once a month, she is, like,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"I must clean the floor. Oh, that's so much better."
0:13:30 > 0:13:34It's a bit weird, but it's adorable, right, but here's the thing.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Just because I moved back into my mum's house in my 30s does not mean
0:13:36 > 0:13:38that I'm not a strong, independent woman.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I think you'll find I am a strong, independent woman,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43because I think you'll find...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45MUSIC PLAYS: Independent Women by Destiny's Child
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Who bought it?
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Who bought it?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Now, technically my mum bought the house, but I'm going to inherit it,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01so it's still totally my song. OK.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Let me see your hands.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09# All the women who are independent... #
0:14:19 > 0:14:25Everyone who's independent, put your hands in the air.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I don't pay any rent, um...
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I mean, some people call it spoilt, I call it loved, actually.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39You see, I work really hard for this career.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40It took me a long time to get here.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I went to university and I got a straight first-class degree, I got,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46like the highest first in my institution, like in years, right?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And I came out of university being so proud and excited.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51And I was, like, "Oh, hello, world!"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54And the world was, like, "Fuck off!"
0:14:56 > 0:14:59"You must not know 'bout me.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"You must not know 'bout me."
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Right, and I had to sign on.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And you know when you've been signing on for too long, don't you?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14When you're high-fiving the security guard on your way into the Jobcentre.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16It's too long, mate, it's too long.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18"Barry, good to see you,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"Barry, good to see you, Barry, I can't stop,
0:15:20 > 0:15:25"I'll talk to you in two weeks' time. Well, I mean, I hope I don't.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"No, I've been looking every day.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"No, I wake up in the morning like I have a job,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43"and I make my job to look for a job, then I don't stop until
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"9:30 at night, just looking, looking, looking.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"I promise, that's all I do is look.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54"Thank you. Thank you.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"Thank you. Thank you.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"Thank you."
0:15:59 > 0:16:03And the problem is, after a while, they start sending you
0:16:03 > 0:16:06for these whack job interviews, right, but you've got no intention of getting,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09but you have to make the effort, otherwise they stop the benefits.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11They sent me for this market research position.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I thought I'll be good at this, because I'm good with people.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15My job was to go up to members of the public
0:16:15 > 0:16:18like yourselves there, guys. Be, like, "Hello, I'm Luisa,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"would it be possible to get a little urine sample from you,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"so I can test you for chlamydia?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26"Is that all right?"
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Do you see Beyonce collecting piss?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Do you?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Didn't think so.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33The problem was I nailed the interview.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Of course I did, look at me, hello, right?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Cos the man that interviewed me
0:16:38 > 0:16:41was there like this, "Listen, Miss Omelonelon..."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44"It's Omielan, it's very simple."
0:16:44 > 0:16:45"I don't care what your name is,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47"you are going to get rejected quite a lot in this job role.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"Lots of people are going to come up to your face and they are going to
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"tell you to fuck right off.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"So can you give us an example of tenacity."
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I was like, "What?" "Tenacity.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"It's a moment in time when you ploughed on despite being
0:16:59 > 0:17:03"in the face of rejection." I was, like, "Oh, my God, yes.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09"Because one time I had sex with this guy, and he, he didn't even fancy me.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15"He was not interested. At all.
0:17:16 > 0:17:23"And I got him to fuck me." Have you ever tried to rape a man before?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It's very hard.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I mean, it's not, that's kind of the problem, but you know when...
0:17:28 > 0:17:32You know when you meet somebody, you don't know why you're attracted
0:17:32 > 0:17:35to this person. You don't know why you fancy this fool.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Maybe it's the dupe he's wearing or something,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39you don't know what it is. Right?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44And I met this guy, and he had the emotional maturity of, I don't know,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47like, a retarded baby pigeon.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51But for some reason, I was, like, "Oh, my God,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"that be the most beautiful bird I think I've ever seen."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I met this guy and I chased him for ages.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I kept going up to him being like, "Hi, I'm Luisa."
0:18:00 > 0:18:02He'd be, like... SHE SQUAWKS
0:18:02 > 0:18:05"Will you go away?"
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"Oh, sorry, I just find you really attractive,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"I thought you could take me for a Chinese, or something,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11"doesn't have to be a proper restaurant,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13just eat as much as you like, and I will."
0:18:13 > 0:18:17"Look, I don't want a girlfriend, OK?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"I'm not ready for a girlfriend."
0:18:19 > 0:18:23"Oh, you see me as a potential girlfriend!"
0:18:23 > 0:18:28"Fuck off, or I will hurt you, don't you understand?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"I'm doing this for your benefit, not mine, I just don't want to hurt you,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33"I'm not ready, just go away."
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"Oh, my God, that is so thoughtful."
0:18:36 > 0:18:40"Oh, my God, you should come back to my house,
0:18:40 > 0:18:41"we should totally talk about this.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"Coo-coo, coo-coo...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"Coo-dee, coo-dee, coo-dee..."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50And he did, we had sex. Whaa!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I didn't hear from him again,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54but that, bitches, is tenacity, right?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Yeah! Now, Beyonce is very tenacious, right?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59And here's what's interesting about Beyonce,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and how successful she is, and how powerful she is,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05and the way that she's had to act and behave in order to get there because I think there is
0:19:05 > 0:19:08a different set of rules when it comes to women if you want to be
0:19:08 > 0:19:09successful, and you want to be powerful.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Because if you look at Beyonce throughout her career,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14she has placed herself as somebody very humble, very gracious, very kind,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17very generous. And it's only actually after she got married
0:19:17 > 0:19:19that she became as ferocious and as outspoken as she is now,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22which is brilliant. But before then, she was so gracious, and humble,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24and quiet, which is weird, because if you look at Kanye,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26or Jay Z early in their careers,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28there was nothing gracious or humble about them.
0:19:28 > 0:19:3224 hours a day, they were always, like, "Suck my dick, suck my dick.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33"99 problems, not with this dick.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"What!"
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Whereas if you ever meet Beyonce, or, I don't know,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40watch a lot of YouTube videos, if you ever meet Beyonce,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Beyonce was always the opposite, Beyonce was always, like,
0:19:44 > 0:19:50"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just a girl from the South and I work so hard until my feet bleed, and...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"I just like to stay at home and bake apple pie a la mode for Jay
0:19:53 > 0:19:57"and Blue Ivy, that's my daughter, and...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"I'm just a regular girl like anybody else that I know.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"I'm sorry, Oprah, what was that?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06"I'm a billionaire?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10"Oh...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12"Thank you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"Thank you." And it seems to me there's a different set of rules
0:20:15 > 0:20:17when it comes to power between men and women.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You think about power, you think about sex,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21and there's definitely a different set of rules when it comes to sex.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I got a different handbook to the one that you fuckers were given, right?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26For example. Ladies, you know when you meet a guy,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29you bring him back to your place and you're about to make love
0:20:29 > 0:20:32for the first time, and you're all excited, aren't you?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35You're a bit nervous because you're a bit, like, "Hope it fits, ah!"
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It does, it's fine.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm actually surprisingly accommodating.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I know.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45You wouldn't think it to look at me, but, poof, it disappears!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49"Where's my willy gone? Where's my willy gone?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"I got it, boo, I got it."
0:20:51 > 0:20:55And you're having a mad night of passionate sex with his fool, and, to be honest,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57you don't even know his name. Right?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00So you're just calling him hun, but he keeps calling you babe,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03so, fuck it, you're playing the same console, right?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05And then he leaves first thing in the morning,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08because someone's got to drive the bus. Toot-toot!
0:21:08 > 0:21:09"See you later!"
0:21:09 > 0:21:13And afterwards, you run downstairs, tell your flatmates or your mum,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15whoever you live with, "I fucked this dude!"
0:21:15 > 0:21:19She's very proud and, erm... And if you're anything like me, the next day you're, like, "Oh, my God,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"oh, my god, that was amazing, am I glowing?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"Have I got that glow? Am I glowing? I'm glowing, aren't I? No, I didn't
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"even cry, I know, it was amazing, I was so good. Oh, my God,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to text him. I'm going to text him."
0:21:31 > 0:21:34If your friends are like my friends, they're like, "Text him? You can't text him.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38"Don't text the guy. Never text... Are you joking, babe? Jesus. Don't text him.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39"Jeez, no wonder you're single in your 30s
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"if this is what you've been doing your whole life. Never text.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"Men are very simple creatures, they won't like that,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"men do not like being chased, you've got to let the man come after you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48You've got to let the man be the alpha male."
0:21:48 > 0:21:51"So what does that make me, omega-3? I'm not a fish."
0:21:53 > 0:21:55And then they're, like, "If you text him,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"that's really inappropriate, oh, my God, that's so awkward,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01"my God, oh, my God, I feel sick for you.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"You can't text, that's really too awkward, that's so forward, oh, my God,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"that's so forward, that's so awkward.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Luisa, you can't text, just don't, OK?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"Oh, OK, let me just break it down,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"because I would hate to get it twisted.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"This man, erm...
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"fucked me so hard, he gave me a seizure....
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"Yet sending him a text message...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"..is too forward, is it?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34"Is it?"
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I feel like I need to be a bit more honest,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45just so you can really see the difference of what we're talking about.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46This stranger...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51..pounded me so vigorously...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55..I squirted all over his bedsheets...
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I'm going to say it again, because I feel like you missed it the first time.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09This stranger...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13..pounded me so vigorously...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I squirted all over his bedsheets...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20We spent the whole night rolling around trying to avoid the pond life
0:23:20 > 0:23:22that was going on in the middle of the room.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Yet sending him a text message...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Which is free on my price plan, PS, FYI.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Oh, that's where it gets awkward, is it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Is that where it gets awkward? I don't think so, bitches, come on now,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41can't text the guy, I sucked your dick dry, I think I can text you,
0:23:41 > 0:23:42jog on, mate, right? Jog on.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49So I'm going to text him, right?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'm going to text him. But, ladies, I'll be clever about it,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54you've got to be clever about it. You can't text him a statement,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57he won't reply to a statement, you've got to give him a reason to reply.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59So you've got to text him a question. So I'll be, like...
0:23:59 > 0:24:03You're welcome. So I'll be, like, think of a question, but be breezy.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Think of a question but be breezy.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Hello, Luisa breezy Omielan, that's my name.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09So I'll text him. I'll be, like, OK, here's my message,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11it's going to be really good, I'll be, like,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"Hi, hun, babe here. So...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19"..how long does it take to boil an egg?"
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Send. Now, this is actually genius, right?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Because you're hoping he'll look into the subtext,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27realise you're in your 30s and are ready to start making some babies.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Eggs, eggs, eggs.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Or... If he's a bit slow, he'll just think you're hungry.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35So, either way, you're hoping he'll text back relatively quickly and let you know
0:24:35 > 0:24:37that he's interested. Ladies in the audience,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41think back to the last time that you were in this situation. Does the boy text back straightaway?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- ALL:- NO!- Three days! What the fuck have you been doing for three days?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49And when you finally get the message back, is it ever worth the wait?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- ALL:- NO.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Hell no, bitches, hell no.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57When you finally get that message back from him, do you ever read it
0:24:57 > 0:25:00and go, "Well, thank God that took him three days."
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Does the message you get back ever say anything along the lines of, oh,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I don't know, "Hi there, Luisa, yeah,
0:25:08 > 0:25:13"I actually found out your name when I googled beautiful."
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Oh, shut up, I love that joke, it's my favourite joke.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19When I wrote it, I was really excited I was, like, "Yeah, well done, me,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22"you can have a biscuit. You're so good,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"you should have the whole pack!"
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"Listen, sorry, I've not been in touch, it's my mum's birthday,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"so I surprised her by taking her to the airport for her and her friends
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"for a holiday. I've just got a great relationship with my mum.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"It's not that she's not overbearing or anything, I just respect women."
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"The other night was really unlike me.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41"I just... Well, I've been avoiding relationships.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Not on purpose, I've just decided to really work on my own sense of self
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"and really make sure that
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"I'm the kind of guy that gets to a place where I'm emotionally mature and ready,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"so when I meet the kind of woman that I'm meant to be with,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"that I make sure I'm the man that I'm meant to be, to be, like,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"to deserve the woman that I'm meant to be with.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"So I've just been really working myself.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"And, like, you came along, like, wow, I just wasn't ready for it, Luisa,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05"and, then... I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"And...I hope you don't mind,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11"but I've gone ahead and been a bit assertive, ah, hope you don't mind.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14"I just decided to use my loaf for a bit
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"and I booked a table at Number One Oriental Buffet
0:26:17 > 0:26:21"on Friday at eight o'clock, right? Because I hear it's your favourite.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"Well, I don't know if it's your favourite, but they had, like,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"a picture of you in the window, so I assumed...
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"You'd won a competition, right?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"So, I've booked a table then, I'd love to take you out on Friday
0:26:32 > 0:26:37"and just get to know you better as a person. So...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40"Let me know if you can make it, because it would make my day if you,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"if you could, love from...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"Hercules. Kiss, kiss, kiss."
0:26:46 > 0:26:48That's never the response, is it?
0:26:48 > 0:26:49It's never the response.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52The message that I stop getting on any public transport,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55and I stopped getting on trains because I didn't want to lose my mobile phone reception
0:26:55 > 0:26:58for any period of time...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01That I waited three days for, that I finally get back from this fool is,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"Five minutes", full stop. No kiss.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh, really?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Really? That's what I was waiting for, really?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Now, apart from the fact that the guy's a complete fucktard and cannot cook for shit,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14because everybody knows it's three, do I breathe before I respond?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Do I think to myself, "Do you know what, Luisa,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19"you've seen the film He's Not That Into You,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"you've also read the book twice, let it go"? No.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23No, no, no.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Let the games begin, bitches, let the games begin.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Right? My message is saved in my drafts folder.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Why? Because I wrote it three fucking days ago, that's why, right?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I wrote back instantly. I write back instantly,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41"You're a legend, thank you, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, Kiss!" What?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Where in the Bible of Beyonce does she sing,
0:27:43 > 0:27:47"To the left, to the left, come back, I need you, please stay, please stay"?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Come on, now, do I look like Taylor Swift?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55It's Beyonce we're channelling, bitches, who are we channelling?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Beyonce. Damn right, we are, right? Now, the problem is,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I read every book under the sun
0:28:02 > 0:28:05on relationships because he ended the relationship. I wasn't ready for it to end.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07And I don't know if you've been in that situation before,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10but it really threw me. So I was, like, there's got to be an answer,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12there's got to be a way I can fix it, right?
0:28:12 > 0:28:13I read all the books under the sun.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I read A Breakup Because It's Broken, Why Men Love Bitches,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, I read all these books being,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21like, there's got to be an answer, there's got to be an answer.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24He's Not That Into You. That can't be the answer!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27And the messages for women, still, in all of these books is this,
0:28:27 > 0:28:31when it comes to getting a man, you've got to let the man be the hunter,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33you've got to let the man come hunt you,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36when the man's ready, he'll come out of his man cave,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39don't go in his man cave now, he won't like that.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43When the man's ready, he'll come out of his man cave and he'll come hunt you.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Listen, no man wants a relationship, that's not how it works.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48What happens is one day a man will wake up,
0:28:48 > 0:28:51he'll bump his head so hard, all of a sudden he'll be ready
0:28:51 > 0:28:54for a relationship. And then he will go outside,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57he will give that relationship to the first bitch that he lay on.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59That's why when you see a couple sometimes and you go,
0:28:59 > 0:29:02"How did that happen?"
0:29:02 > 0:29:07That's how that happened. That's how that happened. The man is ready.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10When the man is ready he'll come out and he'll give that relationship
0:29:10 > 0:29:12to the first bitch he lay on,
0:29:12 > 0:29:15and all you've got to do is shave your legs and wash your vagina
0:29:15 > 0:29:17and make sure...
0:29:17 > 0:29:20you ready, because you don't know when that lucky day's going to come.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22When a man is going to come hunt you.
0:29:23 > 0:29:24I'm not a rabbit, right?
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I don't see why I should be outside your fricking man cave
0:29:27 > 0:29:29with 12 other bitches waiting for the one day for you
0:29:29 > 0:29:32to bump your head and we can all be there in a line being, like,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34"Pick me, pick me, pick me."
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Why does it have to be like that? Do me a favour, give me the gun, it's going to be you.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41SHE SHOOTS Done.
0:29:41 > 0:29:42Right?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47But, unfortunately, it can't be like that.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50All right? Because sometimes, being like that,
0:29:50 > 0:29:53sometimes being like that and going for what you want isn't sexy.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Sometimes being a strong, independent woman isn't sexy at all.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57I mean, look at Margaret Thatcher.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Strong? Yeah. Independent?
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Yeah. Sexy?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Well, not now, is she?
0:30:07 > 0:30:08She's dead.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13I don't see anybody being, like, "Oh, Maggie T, Maggie T!" Like...
0:30:17 > 0:30:21I mean, David Cameron, maybe, but I don't know anybody else.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24But here's the thing. She was a woman, and she ran a country,
0:30:24 > 0:30:28some might say she was a girl and she ran a...
0:30:28 > 0:30:31MUSIC PLAYS: Run The World (Girls) by Beyonce
0:30:37 > 0:30:39# Who run this motha? Girls
0:30:39 > 0:30:40# Who run this motha? Girls
0:30:40 > 0:30:42# Who run this motha? Girls
0:30:42 > 0:30:44# Who run the world? Girls
0:30:44 > 0:30:47# Who run the world? Girls
0:30:47 > 0:30:50# Who run the world? Girls... #
0:31:24 > 0:31:26SHE PANTS
0:31:33 > 0:31:34Now, Beyonce...
0:31:35 > 0:31:36..goes to the gym.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41But I like to keep it real with you, bitches.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45I don't want you to be, like, "Oh, she's so unattainable!"
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Now, I didn't know much about Margaret Thatcher.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54I thought she was some pop star from the '80s.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I didn't know. Nobody told me, right?
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Margaret Thatcher and Beyonce have actually got a lot in common.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02Say what? I'll fill you in. Both have been very impactful with their careers.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04And they've both had successful relationships.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Here's what's interesting. When I was in a relationship, I loved it.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I didn't think I would. Because I'm always the single girl.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Like, "I don't need nobody, screw you, I'm a strong, independent woman."
0:32:12 > 0:32:16The second I got a boyfriend, I'm like, "I've got your slippers, your dinner,
0:32:16 > 0:32:18"your dessert, and so much more."
0:32:18 > 0:32:19And when I was in a relationship, I loved it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23And here's how I see relationships. When we're born, we're all thrown into the ocean of life,
0:32:23 > 0:32:27and you're swimming in the ocean. And hopefully with your family, who are there to look after you,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30and you're there with your mum, and you're swimming in the ocean of life,
0:32:30 > 0:32:33and eventually she's, like, "Go on, Luisa, it's time to swim by yourself, in the ocean of life..."
0:32:33 > 0:32:37"OK, Mama, I'll try, but don't go too far, OK?" "OK."
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Big wave, trying to pay the rent.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41"That's a hard wave to swim through by yourself, Mama.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44"Oh, big wave, I haven't figured out who I am yet, and I'm 25, Mama,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46"I'm drowning, I'm drowning,
0:32:46 > 0:32:51"I'm drowning!" "Oh, hey, there baby, what's your name?
0:32:51 > 0:32:54"This ocean of life is way more fun with you.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56"And I didn't notice that wave.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59"I was having too much fun looking at your face, baby, yes, I was.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03"Mama, stop calling me, I'm busy, I'll call you back."
0:33:03 > 0:33:05"Oh, yeah, hey, baby, these waves and problems,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07"they're so much easier next to you.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10"I'd love to swim around the ocean of life for a lifetime with you, baby,
0:33:10 > 0:33:14"these waves and problems, they don't hit me as hard because I'm swimming next to you.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16"If only there was some kind of structural feature where these waves
0:33:16 > 0:33:19"would be even easier, and it would be you and I against the world, baby.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21"It would be you and I against the world.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24"Baby, would you look at that? It's a boat.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26"Wouldn't this ocean of life be so much easier to manoeuvre through
0:33:26 > 0:33:29"if me and you were together in that little boat made for two, baby?
0:33:29 > 0:33:33"That's a relationship boat, is what that is.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36"Oh, hell, that's a relation...ship."
0:33:36 > 0:33:39LAUGHTER
0:33:42 > 0:33:44"Look at my relationship,
0:33:44 > 0:33:47"Look at my relationship, it's so beautiful.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49"I'm going to start packing things into our relationship.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52"I'm going to start investing in our relationship.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55"I'm going to go Zara Home, I'm going to make it so nice.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58"There's all my love, care and attention, that's all yours, baby,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00"that's all yours.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04"There's me shaving my legs every day for you, baby, every day.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06"There's my iPhone charger,
0:34:06 > 0:34:10"so when I stay at your house, my phone doesn't die, that's all yours.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13"Oh, look at all the beautiful things I'm investing in the relationship boat...
0:34:13 > 0:34:16"It's so exciting. Hey, baby...
0:34:16 > 0:34:17"Baby?
0:34:19 > 0:34:22"How come you've not put anything into the boat?
0:34:27 > 0:34:31"I've put in everything I have.
0:34:31 > 0:34:32"You ain't packed in shit.
0:34:34 > 0:34:40"Oh, you tired, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so demanding and naggy,
0:34:40 > 0:34:42"I know, I'm so sorry.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45"No, you're right, you've had a hard day at work, you relax, baby,
0:34:45 > 0:34:47"I got this, boo-boo. I got this.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"Oh, here's Christmas with your family because you won't let me
0:34:50 > 0:34:53"spend it with mine. Oh, is that my career?
0:34:53 > 0:34:57"I'll put it on hold. I'll stay at home and make your babies, yes, I will.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00"Hey, what's that? Is that my common sense?"
0:35:00 > 0:35:02"Oh!
0:35:04 > 0:35:09"Yes. Yes, I've been looking for you.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12"It's getting, kind of...
0:35:14 > 0:35:17"I'm in love, I'm never going to need this again. Bye!
0:35:21 > 0:35:24"Come on, baby, get in the boat, it's time to sail,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26"I can't wait to show you off to all my friends.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27"They all think you're imaginary.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29"Come on, baby.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32"Get in the boat. Oh, you want to name the relationship.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35"OK. No, I'd like to give you one job, no, no,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38"I'll go with whatever you call it, I promise, whatever you call it,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40"I want to give you one job,
0:35:40 > 0:35:42"I'd sure hate it if you ever felt emasculated by me.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44"What you want to call the relationship?
0:35:44 > 0:35:47"No, go on, tell me, what's that? What do you want to call it?
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"Noncommittal, that's nice, is that French? I like that.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52"A noncommittal relationship.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55"Look at my noncommittal relationship.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59"Oh, it's so fancy, don't be jealous, it's like a jealousy, guys,
0:35:59 > 0:36:02"don't be so jealous.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05"This is my noncommittal relationship, OK?
0:36:05 > 0:36:07"Look, when you stand here on the shore of life,
0:36:07 > 0:36:09"and you look for your relationship,
0:36:09 > 0:36:12"you're never going to find your relationship, OK?
0:36:12 > 0:36:15"'I used to be like you, but I want one now!' That's not how
0:36:15 > 0:36:20"it works. But I promise, the day you stop looking, all of a sudden...
0:36:20 > 0:36:22TOOTS HORN
0:36:22 > 0:36:25"..your relationship will come find you, OK?
0:36:25 > 0:36:29"So, let me have my five, it's very unattractive, this jealousy, OK?
0:36:29 > 0:36:32"Come, baby, time to get in the boat, baby, come on, get in the boat,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35"in, out, in, out, it's not the hokey-cokey, baby, get in the boat.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37"Are you in or out of the relationship, baby?
0:36:37 > 0:36:40"I just need you to get in the boat. Baby, baby, what are you doing?
0:36:40 > 0:36:41"Baby, baby!
0:36:41 > 0:36:45"Get off the jet ski, get in the boat!"
0:36:45 > 0:36:49Now, when my ex boyfriend decided to fuck off on a jet ski...
0:36:50 > 0:36:52I was floored by the end of the relationship.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55I've never been so floored by a relationship ending before,
0:36:55 > 0:36:57because I hadn't seen it, I hadn't experienced it, right?
0:36:57 > 0:37:00And the lovely thing was, I mean, I went back my mum's house,
0:37:00 > 0:37:02and the lovely thing was that I became really close to my mum,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04and I love my mum, she is a legend.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Give me a cheer if you're a big fan of your mama.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08CHEERING
0:37:08 > 0:37:10And what was lovely is at the time my mum became a bit, like, my...
0:37:10 > 0:37:14MUSIC PLAYS: Girl by Destiny's Child
0:37:14 > 0:37:17# Girl, I can tell he's been lying
0:37:17 > 0:37:21# And pretending that he's faithful and he loves you
0:37:21 > 0:37:23# Girl, you don't have to be hiding
0:37:23 > 0:37:24# Don't you be ashamed to say he hurt you
0:37:24 > 0:37:28# I'm your girl, you're my girl
0:37:28 > 0:37:29# We're your girls
0:37:29 > 0:37:31# Don't you know that we love you... #
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Yeah. Now, my mum is foreign.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Give me a cheer if anyone here has got foreign parents.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37CHEERING
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Lovely. Do they ever get their English wrong?
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Yeah, my mum gets her English wrong all the time.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Right? Which is ironic, really, cos she teaches it
0:37:44 > 0:37:45as a foreign language, but, hey,
0:37:45 > 0:37:48don't hate the player, hate the game, right?
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Now, when people meet my mum, they expect her to talk like this -
0:37:51 > 0:37:54POLISH ACCENT: "Hello, I like to clean." But she doesn't, she talks like this,
0:37:54 > 0:37:57and the reason is, when she first came over to England, she came
0:37:57 > 0:37:59over with my dad 35 years ago, we were here first,
0:37:59 > 0:38:01don't blame me for the influx, right?
0:38:01 > 0:38:05And also, can I say, I was born here, so I'm British, thank you.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08My mum tries to be, like, you know, "You're Polish, too."
0:38:08 > 0:38:10And I'm, like, "I'm British,
0:38:10 > 0:38:14"I'm British! Get out of our country."
0:38:14 > 0:38:16LAUGHTER
0:38:18 > 0:38:20And she came over with my dad, right?
0:38:20 > 0:38:23And they got married, she had all us kids,
0:38:23 > 0:38:26and my dad started becoming very horrible towards my mum
0:38:26 > 0:38:28in every sense of the word
0:38:28 > 0:38:30and became very abusive in the marriage, right?
0:38:30 > 0:38:33And he treated her in a way that you shouldn't treat somebody,
0:38:33 > 0:38:36very disrespectful, and my mum got away from my dad when I was about,
0:38:36 > 0:38:38maybe seven years old,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41and ever since then, my dad's not really been around that much.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Hmm! Can you tell?
0:38:45 > 0:38:48I love that joke. I say joke, it's my life. Anyway...
0:38:50 > 0:38:53And in those days, to go back to Poland, it was a really religious Catholic country,
0:38:53 > 0:38:55so to go back to Poland with a failed marriage,
0:38:55 > 0:38:57she would have been blamed. It wouldn't have been,
0:38:57 > 0:38:59"Well done for getting away, let's support you."
0:38:59 > 0:39:02It would have been, "Why didn't you put up, shut up and be a better wife?"
0:39:02 > 0:39:04So, she decided to stay in England and make it work.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07IMITATES MOTHER: The land of dreams and Marks & Spencer.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10So excited. So she stayed.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13What she did to integrate herself in the community, because she was, like,
0:39:13 > 0:39:16"I've got to survive", she learned the language,
0:39:16 > 0:39:17cos she wanted to talk with other people.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19She wanted to talk in the same accent.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21So she used to listen to a lot of BBC News, right?
0:39:21 > 0:39:24And those were the days when they didn't have the beautiful accents
0:39:24 > 0:39:25that we have now from all over the place.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27So she learnt to speak English like this,
0:39:27 > 0:39:30POSH ACCENT: Now she talks like this, but always gets it completely wrong,
0:39:30 > 0:39:33so you can still tell she's a massive immigrant.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38So, my favourite bit of English she ever got wrong was,
0:39:38 > 0:39:41"Luisa, I've noticed you've been going through lots of toilet roll recently.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45"When you go, how many slices do you use?"
0:39:45 > 0:39:47"Go away, shut the door!"
0:39:49 > 0:39:50"I have seen it all before."
0:39:50 > 0:39:53"Not recently, you haven't."
0:39:53 > 0:39:56I was going to say, "There's hair there now, where there didn't used to be,
0:39:56 > 0:39:59"but actually there isn't, so it's fine."
0:40:01 > 0:40:04And my mum was really there for me at a time when I got really depressed.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Now, brace yourself, we are about to talk about depression,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09it's going to get sexy, crunk, crunk.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11People don't like talking about depression,
0:40:11 > 0:40:12cos it's not a sexy subject.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Our physical health, you'll happily share and talk about,
0:40:14 > 0:40:16you will share it in all your social media sites
0:40:16 > 0:40:18about how you're feeling physically.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19But our mental health,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21we're not in as much of a hurry to share,
0:40:21 > 0:40:23and I think that's such a shame that we don't put as much significance
0:40:23 > 0:40:26on our mental health cos it's just as fucking valuable.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Very often, the two are related. If you are not feeling physically well,
0:40:29 > 0:40:30maybe mentally you need some work,
0:40:30 > 0:40:31and mentally you're not feeling well,
0:40:31 > 0:40:33maybe physically you need to do something.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Because you'll quite happily go to the gym
0:40:35 > 0:40:37and you'll spend anything from £25 a month,
0:40:37 > 0:40:40we are in London, come on, £105 a month, right?
0:40:40 > 0:40:41Going to the gym to work out
0:40:41 > 0:40:44and I wish we had that kind of same investment in our mental health
0:40:44 > 0:40:47cos it's just as important. Wouldn't it be cool if there was
0:40:47 > 0:40:50a mental health gym, somewhere that was encouraged and cool to go to, babe?
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Somewhere that you could be there, and you could be, like,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54"Hey, Barry, good to see you, yeah,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57"I'm just working on my ex-boyfriend issues, that's right.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00"Just working it on my ex-boyfriend issues.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02"Thank you. Thank you.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04"If you like that, well,
0:41:04 > 0:41:10"when I'm nice and strong, I'm going to try and tackle my daddy ones.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13"Not strong enough yet for the daddy ones, OK."
0:41:13 > 0:41:16"Just keep working on ex-boyfriend, because you don't want to hurt yourself.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"Are the two related?"
0:41:19 > 0:41:21"They couldn't possibly be.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25"No relation here."
0:41:25 > 0:41:28If you think about mental health, sometimes maybe it's not your fault.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Maybe if we're feeling really shit about ourselves,
0:41:30 > 0:41:32maybe it's actually not technically our fault,
0:41:32 > 0:41:34maybe there's something more going on.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Maybe it's genetics. There is the whole nature/nurture debate.
0:41:37 > 0:41:38Maybe, fucking, you were born with it.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40It's like, "Hey, what did you get from your mama?"
0:41:40 > 0:41:42"I got my big, beautiful brown eyes."
0:41:42 > 0:41:43"What did you get from your mama?"
0:41:43 > 0:41:45"I got bipolar."
0:41:49 > 0:41:52And depression is so common. There's so many of us that suffer with it.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54I think there's two types of depression,
0:41:54 > 0:41:56I think there's the first type where you literally cannot get out of bed
0:41:56 > 0:41:59or face the day cos it's easier to fall asleep than try and deal
0:41:59 > 0:42:02with what your head is doing to yourself, cos it's so exhausting,
0:42:02 > 0:42:05feeling so invaluable and so shit about yourself constantly.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07And maybe when you see a train going past, you think,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09"Fuck it, I'll jump," not because you want to kill yourself,
0:42:09 > 0:42:11or you want to hurt people around you,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13but because it's so fucking exhausting
0:42:13 > 0:42:16feeling this shit about yourself in your own head, constantly,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19you just want some relief and some respite for a bit, right?
0:42:19 > 0:42:21And the second type of depression,
0:42:21 > 0:42:23which is the one that I think's a bit more popular,
0:42:23 > 0:42:24"I'll take two, please, thank you."
0:42:24 > 0:42:27And that's the one where I get every now and then,
0:42:27 > 0:42:30where you'll wake up in the morning and you'll be, like,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32"Well, I mean, I hate my life, but fuck it,
0:42:32 > 0:42:33"I'll still make a sandwich."
0:42:37 > 0:42:38SHE IMITATES CHEWING
0:42:42 > 0:42:45And if you look at the nature-nurture debate, maybe it's our environment growing up,
0:42:45 > 0:42:47maybe our environment affected how we deal with things,
0:42:47 > 0:42:49how capable we are of dealing with things,
0:42:49 > 0:42:50that's why I think mental health
0:42:50 > 0:42:53is so important to be educated in schools from a young age,
0:42:53 > 0:42:55so we've got the tools to be able to support ourselves.
0:42:55 > 0:42:56So when shit does hit the fan,
0:42:56 > 0:42:59we're empowered enough to be able to deal with it, right?
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Because I've got loads of qualities, being a middle child,
0:43:01 > 0:43:03for example, that I share with other middle children.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06That's nothing from genetics, that's just my environment.
0:43:06 > 0:43:07For example, let's have a little experiment.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Give me a cheer if you're a middle child, who's a middle child?
0:43:10 > 0:43:11CHEERING
0:43:11 > 0:43:13You see, you guys, very diplomatic, great communicators, see,
0:43:13 > 0:43:16very sociable. Very diplomatic. That's one of our key skills.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18When the shit hits the fan, you want a middle child on board.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Do you know why we're so good at handling a drama, or a fight kicking off?
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Cos we're so used to being, like, "Babe, what did you do?
0:43:23 > 0:43:26"Come on now, give it back, guys, let's be friends, right?"
0:43:26 > 0:43:29We're so used to it. We're also very attractive and fabulous in bed, so.
0:43:30 > 0:43:31That's the middle child.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Eldest, give me a cheer if you're the eldest.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35CHEERING
0:43:35 > 0:43:38See, natural leaders, natural fucking leaders, right?
0:43:38 > 0:43:39People often come to you for advice.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Do you know why they come to you first?
0:43:41 > 0:43:43Because you're the first lot to fuck it up in the family.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47That's why they come to you, babe. that's why they come to you.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49And then, of course, you've finally got the youngest,
0:43:49 > 0:43:51give me a cheer if you're the youngest.
0:43:51 > 0:43:52CHEERING
0:43:52 > 0:43:54"Look at me, look at me!"
0:43:57 > 0:43:59SO needy, aren't they?
0:44:03 > 0:44:05And I'm not even going to do the only child,
0:44:05 > 0:44:07cos you lot have had enough attention all your lives, OK?
0:44:08 > 0:44:10Only children.
0:44:11 > 0:44:15Only children, you've got no idea how easy you've had it.
0:44:16 > 0:44:18Now, my little brother's the youngest in my family, right?
0:44:18 > 0:44:20And he was always complaining that he was depressed.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23And I was, like, shut up, you're a twat. I think it really...
0:44:23 > 0:44:24I think it really helped.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27And Christmas, not long ago, we had a really shit Christmas,
0:44:27 > 0:44:29we had a horrible Christmas, right?
0:44:29 > 0:44:30Christmas not long ago.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33My little brother took an overdose, and he tried to kill himself.
0:44:33 > 0:44:37Now, has anybody here ever tried to kill themselves before?
0:44:37 > 0:44:39Right, ladies?
0:44:40 > 0:44:42Hashtag awkward. OK.
0:44:42 > 0:44:43LAUGHTER
0:44:43 > 0:44:45I'll tell you what happened, right.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47Christmas Day is his birthday, right,
0:44:47 > 0:44:49so it's Polish tradition that we celebrate Christmas Eve
0:44:49 > 0:44:52more than Christmas Day. My mum carries on the tradition here.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54And also, because it's his birthday on Christmas Day,
0:44:54 > 0:44:55we like to more, like, separate the two.
0:44:55 > 0:44:58So on Christmas Eve, what you do is you don't eat all day.
0:44:58 > 0:44:59You're not allowed any food all day.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01And then when the first star comes out, you sit down,
0:45:01 > 0:45:03you lay out all the food, and you start eating,
0:45:03 > 0:45:05but you're not allowed any meat all day. You're quite hungry.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08Like, I go around the rest of the day and I'm like, "Mum, but I'm starving!"
0:45:08 > 0:45:11She's like, "You're hardly starving." I'm like, thank you.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14So we all sit around the table, right,
0:45:14 > 0:45:16and no matter how many people are around the table,
0:45:16 > 0:45:18you've got to set a place for Jesus.
0:45:18 > 0:45:20Just in case Jesus drops by.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Cos you'd sure hate it if the one year you're like,
0:45:22 > 0:45:25"Mum, I'm a bit squashed, I'm just going to sit in Jesus' chair."
0:45:25 > 0:45:26All of a sudden, ding dong!
0:45:26 > 0:45:28"Oh. Jesus!"
0:45:28 > 0:45:29"What? There's no chair?
0:45:29 > 0:45:31"Oh, I'm going next door."
0:45:31 > 0:45:33"No, Jesus!"
0:45:35 > 0:45:36Right.
0:45:36 > 0:45:37So we saved a place for Jesus, right.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39We're all sat at the table, "Oh, is Jesus coming round?
0:45:39 > 0:45:41"I hope Jesus comes round. Oh, Mum, where's Jesus?
0:45:41 > 0:45:44"Oh. Is that the doorbell or the wind? Oh, where's Jesus?"
0:45:44 > 0:45:47And my mum's always like, "Luisa, stop mocking Jesus."
0:45:47 > 0:45:49I'm like, "Who's mocking Him? Hello. Apparently He's always here,
0:45:49 > 0:45:52"I don't know why I have to save Him a seat, but, you know."
0:45:53 > 0:45:55She's like, "Luisa, stop being so rude about Jesus."
0:45:55 > 0:45:57I'm like, "Hello, who's being rude? He's not eating His fish."
0:46:00 > 0:46:01Sorry.
0:46:04 > 0:46:06So we had the dinner, right, and it was really nice.
0:46:06 > 0:46:08Then, everyone just did their own thing.
0:46:08 > 0:46:09And it got to midnight,
0:46:09 > 0:46:12and I ran up to my brother's room to sing Happy Birthday to him.
0:46:12 > 0:46:14Cos what guy doesn't like Happy Birthday being sung to him
0:46:14 > 0:46:16by his older sister? Hello, right?
0:46:16 > 0:46:19So I ran in, and in his room, he was kind of hanging off the bed, right.
0:46:19 > 0:46:21He was hanging off the bed and his arm and leg were all off,
0:46:21 > 0:46:23and he was all out of it. And...
0:46:24 > 0:46:26..his eyes were, like, rolled to the back of his head.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29And he didn't look well. And it was clear that he'd taken an overdose.
0:46:29 > 0:46:30Took an overdose of pills, right.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32And we rushed him into A&E, and in A&E,
0:46:32 > 0:46:33they put him in a separate room.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36They didn't put him out in the main ward with everyone else.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38They kind of had him hidden from everybody, right.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42I'm there with him, and it's a really stressful time, right.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Cos you feel really like you don't know what to do in the situation.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48And my mum is distraught.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50She's devastated. So she's, like, outside,
0:46:50 > 0:46:52like, cleaning the car, or whatever she's doing.
0:46:55 > 0:46:56Apparently, it helps.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00So it's just me sat in the room with him.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02And I remember feeling so embarrassed.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04And I know that's not a nice thing to admit to,
0:47:04 > 0:47:07but I remember feeling so embarrassed and so ashamed,
0:47:07 > 0:47:09cos I've got a good family, right?
0:47:09 > 0:47:10I've got a really good family.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13Somebody trying to kill themselves doesn't happen in my family.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17But here I am, and he's just tried to do it.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19And I'm sat there with him, right, and I didn't know what to do,
0:47:19 > 0:47:21cos nobody tells you what to do in that situation.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23The nurse came in, and I was so relieved, cos I thought,
0:47:23 > 0:47:26"Well, at least he'll get the professional help that he needs now.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28"At least he'll get professional help now,
0:47:28 > 0:47:30"so maybe this is, like, a silver lining."
0:47:30 > 0:47:32Because he was complaining of depression for a long time.
0:47:32 > 0:47:33And none of us ever took him seriously.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Because every time he'd say that he was depressed,
0:47:35 > 0:47:38I would always be like, "Oh, that's because nobody likes you."
0:47:38 > 0:47:39LAUGHTER
0:47:45 > 0:47:47Yeah.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49"Hey, you know when I'm feeling like,
0:47:49 > 0:47:52"'Oh, I'm really depressed, I hate myself,'
0:47:52 > 0:47:54"it usually just means that I'm hungry, so..."
0:47:56 > 0:47:58"Would you like a sandwich?"
0:47:59 > 0:48:01That was how much I tried to help him, right.
0:48:01 > 0:48:03So I was so relieved when the nurse came in.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05And she goes, "Hi, there, Miss Omelonelon."
0:48:07 > 0:48:08It's Omielan. It's very simple.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12"Sorry. Unfortunately, your brother's not scored enough points
0:48:12 > 0:48:15"to see a doctor or a psychiatrist at this time."
0:48:15 > 0:48:16Sorry, not enough points?
0:48:16 > 0:48:18"No, he hasn't. Because you're here with him,
0:48:18 > 0:48:19"you go down as his primary carer,
0:48:19 > 0:48:21"so what we're going to do is we're going to monitor him,
0:48:21 > 0:48:23"and then we're going to send him home with you.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25"And then you can look after him and bring him back to see a doctor
0:48:25 > 0:48:27"in six to eight weeks' time, all right?"
0:48:27 > 0:48:29No, you can't have me as the primary carer.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31I fucking got him here in the first place. Don't put him with me.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33"No, it's just the way it works.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35"He hasn't scored enough points, I'm sorry.
0:48:35 > 0:48:36"So we're just going to make sure he's stable.
0:48:36 > 0:48:39"Once we're sure he's stable, we'll send him back with you, OK?"
0:48:39 > 0:48:42OK. So he can't see the doctor for, like, five minutes
0:48:42 > 0:48:44just for a little chat? No?
0:48:44 > 0:48:46"No. Sorry."
0:48:46 > 0:48:49Oh, OK. Sure.
0:48:49 > 0:48:50Did you hear that, mate?
0:48:52 > 0:48:53You didn't get enough points.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57So you're going to have to do something more crazy!
0:48:57 > 0:48:59LAUGHTER
0:49:00 > 0:49:03And I remember feeling really embarrassed and really ashamed
0:49:03 > 0:49:04and really desperate.
0:49:04 > 0:49:07I was so desperate for someone to take care of that situation.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09So I rang my dad. I don't speak to him very often,
0:49:09 > 0:49:11but I didn't know who else to call, right.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13So I ring my dad and I go, "Hi, Dad, it's Luisa."
0:49:13 > 0:49:15"Who?" "Luisa, your daughter."
0:49:15 > 0:49:16"Oh. Hi."
0:49:16 > 0:49:18"Listen, it's about your son.
0:49:18 > 0:49:19"I'm in A&E with him and...
0:49:21 > 0:49:23"..he's all right, he's stable, but I just need to tell you
0:49:23 > 0:49:26"that he's taken an overdose, and he's tried to kill himself.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28"I didn't know who else to call so I'm calling you.
0:49:28 > 0:49:30"I'm sorry to ring you up. I'm sorry to bother you.
0:49:30 > 0:49:31"I just didn't know who to..."
0:49:31 > 0:49:33"Luisa, listen to me, Luisa, listen to me.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36"Thank you for calling me. Here's what I want you to do.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40"Why don't you get him to give me a call when he gets out?"
0:49:46 > 0:49:47"Thank you, Daddy.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50"Merry Christmas."
0:49:51 > 0:49:54You sure are making those issues lighter by the day, Daddy.
0:49:56 > 0:49:58Lighter by the day.
0:50:00 > 0:50:03And I remember feeling not very...
0:50:04 > 0:50:06..Beyonce.
0:50:06 > 0:50:07Not Beyonce at all.
0:50:07 > 0:50:10And it's not a nice, strong, independent woman thing to admit to,
0:50:10 > 0:50:13but I remember feeling so desperate
0:50:13 > 0:50:17for a man to come in and be like, "I got this.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19"I'm going to take care of you and your family,"
0:50:19 > 0:50:20and there wasn't that figure.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23Because all I can see is my family falling apart in front of me,
0:50:23 > 0:50:25and I'm sat next to him, and I don't know what to say to him.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27I'm not in a position to say, "You're going to be fine,
0:50:27 > 0:50:30"everything's going to be OK. I'm going to take care of you."
0:50:30 > 0:50:31Because everything's not OK.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34Because it's because he's been with me that he's here.
0:50:34 > 0:50:36So you tell me, what do I say to him now?
0:50:36 > 0:50:37To make sure that tomorrow,
0:50:37 > 0:50:40for the 20 seconds that I'm not watching him like a hawk,
0:50:40 > 0:50:41that he doesn't try to do it again.
0:50:41 > 0:50:42But tomorrow, he'll succeed,
0:50:42 > 0:50:45so you tell me what the fuck do I say to him now
0:50:45 > 0:50:48to make him not feel the need to do that again?
0:50:48 > 0:50:50And nobody tells you what to say.
0:50:50 > 0:50:53I remember looking at him and feeling like,
0:50:53 > 0:50:55"You are so loved.
0:50:55 > 0:50:58"You could not be more loved.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02"You have no idea how very, very loved you are.
0:51:02 > 0:51:06"Please, don't ever feel the need to do this again.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09"If you ever feel like this again, you come and talk to me,
0:51:09 > 0:51:13"cos I'm your sister, I've got your back, you come and ask me, OK?"
0:51:15 > 0:51:17And I'll always remember it.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20Cos as the clock hit 5AM, and he stirs,
0:51:20 > 0:51:25and he goes, "Luisa, I'm just so tired."
0:51:27 > 0:51:29I'll never forget what I said to him.
0:51:29 > 0:51:31Cos I turned to him and I went...
0:51:33 > 0:51:34"YOU'RE tired?!"
0:51:34 > 0:51:36LAUGHTER
0:51:39 > 0:51:43"You're bloody tired?! It's 5AM,
0:51:43 > 0:51:46"you dickwad, you've been asleep for 4.5 hours!
0:51:46 > 0:51:49"I've been awake!
0:51:49 > 0:51:50"12? Who takes 12?!
0:51:50 > 0:51:53"Do some permanent damage, you should have taken 20!
0:51:54 > 0:51:57"Jesus, you can't even do that properly.
0:51:57 > 0:52:00"Here's an idea, next time you fancy having a go at killing yourself,
0:52:00 > 0:52:02"next time you want to have a go at killing yourself,
0:52:02 > 0:52:05"do us all a favour and come and ask me how."
0:52:05 > 0:52:07LAUGHTER
0:52:11 > 0:52:12"Oh, my God.
0:52:14 > 0:52:15"See what I mean?
0:52:17 > 0:52:18"You don't love me.
0:52:19 > 0:52:21"Nobody loves me.
0:52:21 > 0:52:23"None of you love me.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25"Nobody loves me."
0:52:25 > 0:52:27"Nobody loves you?
0:52:27 > 0:52:29"Nobody loves you?
0:52:31 > 0:52:34"I broke your shit up with a stick!"
0:52:34 > 0:52:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:52:46 > 0:52:47Can I just borrow you for a second?
0:52:47 > 0:52:49Is that all right? Thank you.
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Can I borrow you for a second?
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Can I borrow you for a second? Hi. Do you want to just come around?
0:52:55 > 0:52:57Give these girls a round of applause.
0:52:57 > 0:52:58APPLAUSE
0:53:01 > 0:53:03Hello. Thank you for coming. Hi.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05- Hi, what are your names?- Delia.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Delia. Hello, Delia.
0:53:07 > 0:53:08Hi, guys.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10Thank you so much. I just, that was a really sad bit
0:53:10 > 0:53:13and I just feel like I need some... You know, cos it's a really sad bit.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15Thank you. Thank you.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Just... Thank you so much for being so supportive of me here.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20If you could just stand here for me. Just thank you so much.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Just stand there. Thank you so much. Just thank you so much.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26Thank you so much.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29Thank you so much. Just thank you for being here for me.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31I just... I just really thank you.
0:53:31 > 0:53:33That's really... Thank you so much.
0:53:33 > 0:53:35Give me a cheer if you're single!
0:53:35 > 0:53:37CHEERING
0:53:37 > 0:53:39We're happy, aren't we? We're happy.
0:53:39 > 0:53:40Give me a cheer if you are in love!
0:53:40 > 0:53:42CHEERING
0:53:42 > 0:53:43Go fuck yourselves!
0:53:44 > 0:53:45# All the single ladies
0:53:45 > 0:53:46# All the single ladies
0:53:46 > 0:53:48# All the single ladies
0:53:48 > 0:53:49# All the single ladies
0:53:49 > 0:53:50# All the single ladies
0:53:50 > 0:53:51# All the single ladies
0:53:51 > 0:53:53# All the single ladies
0:53:53 > 0:53:54# Now put your hands up
0:53:54 > 0:53:56# Up in the club
0:53:56 > 0:53:57# Just broke up
0:53:57 > 0:53:59# I'm doing my own little thing
0:53:59 > 0:54:01# You decided to dip
0:54:01 > 0:54:02# And now you wanna trip
0:54:02 > 0:54:04# Cos another brother noticed me
0:54:04 > 0:54:05# I'm up on him
0:54:05 > 0:54:07# He up on me
0:54:07 > 0:54:09# Don't pay him any attention
0:54:09 > 0:54:10# Cos I cried my tears
0:54:10 > 0:54:12# For three good years
0:54:12 > 0:54:13# You can't be mad at me
0:54:13 > 0:54:16# Cos if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
0:54:16 > 0:54:19# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
0:54:19 > 0:54:21# Don't be mad once you see that he want it
0:54:21 > 0:54:23# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
0:54:23 > 0:54:25# Oh, oh, oh
0:54:25 > 0:54:26# Oh, oh, oh, oh
0:54:26 > 0:54:28# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
0:54:28 > 0:54:29# Oh, oh, oh
0:54:29 > 0:54:31# Oh, oh, oh, oh,
0:54:31 > 0:54:33# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
0:54:33 > 0:54:36# Cos if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
0:54:36 > 0:54:39# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
0:54:39 > 0:54:41# Don't be mad once you see that he want it
0:54:41 > 0:54:44# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it... #
0:54:44 > 0:54:47Kelly and Michelle, ladies and gentlemen!
0:54:47 > 0:54:48APPLAUSE
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Come on, take a bow!
0:54:58 > 0:55:00The one that should have put a ring on it was Irish.
0:55:02 > 0:55:03He had a really sexy accent.
0:55:03 > 0:55:06He could say anything and it would make me really horny.
0:55:06 > 0:55:07He'd be like...
0:55:07 > 0:55:09IRISH ACCENT: "I fuckin kill babies." Ah!
0:55:10 > 0:55:12Say it again, say it again!
0:55:13 > 0:55:16Now, did you know that cows have accents,
0:55:16 > 0:55:18depending on the region that they're from? This is a fact.
0:55:18 > 0:55:21If you get this in a quiz, it's true. For example, like,
0:55:21 > 0:55:23an English cow is, like, English. Moo.
0:55:23 > 0:55:25Standard, right?
0:55:25 > 0:55:27The Scottish cow would be, like, Scottish.
0:55:29 > 0:55:30SCOTTISH ACCENT: Moo.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36An Irish cow would be, like, Irish.
0:55:36 > 0:55:37IRISH ACCENT: Moo.
0:55:38 > 0:55:39I know it's a cow, but I still would.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Like, oh, them titties! It's amazing.
0:55:43 > 0:55:44And a Welsh cow is like...
0:55:44 > 0:55:47WELSH ACCENT: Hello, I'm from Wales, very friendly, moo, moo.
0:55:47 > 0:55:49However, this works in any country and any dialect.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51So shout out some countries. We'll do some cows.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53AUDIENCE SHOUTS
0:55:53 > 0:55:55- Where? Go on. AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Australia!
0:55:55 > 0:55:58- Australia, oh, wow, OK, hang on. AUDIENCE MEMBER:- America!- Where?
0:55:58 > 0:56:00- Jamaica!- Canada! - Jamaica, Australia...
0:56:00 > 0:56:02- Poland!- Poland. Poland is easy.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04SHE SPEAKS POLISH Moo, moo, moo.
0:56:05 > 0:56:07Australian?
0:56:07 > 0:56:08Australian is like, Australian,
0:56:08 > 0:56:10AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Oh, hi, hey, doll, how's it going?
0:56:10 > 0:56:13Welcome to the coffee shop, oh, yeah, just sit down.
0:56:13 > 0:56:17You're here.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20I'm sorry, darling, oh, were you expecting good customer service?
0:56:20 > 0:56:21LAUGHTER
0:56:23 > 0:56:24No, we're just being relaxed,
0:56:24 > 0:56:27so we'll just bring it to you when we feel like it.
0:56:28 > 0:56:31Moo. Moo.
0:56:31 > 0:56:32APPLAUSE
0:56:33 > 0:56:35American?
0:56:35 > 0:56:38The only American one I can do is, like, a New York Jew.
0:56:40 > 0:56:41Where it's like...
0:56:41 > 0:56:43NEW YORK ACCENT: Hello, can I get a coffee to go?
0:56:43 > 0:56:44Hello? Moo, moo.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46Only one I can do.
0:56:46 > 0:56:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:56:48 > 0:56:50And what did you say? Jamaican?
0:56:50 > 0:56:53Yeah, thanks, Jamaica, thanks, OK, cool.
0:56:53 > 0:56:55Give the white girl Jamaica. I see what you're doing, there.
0:56:56 > 0:56:59I mean, give the olive girl Jamaican. Let's keep it real.
0:57:00 > 0:57:02OK, I'm going to do a Jamaican, a Jamaican cow.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04Luckily for you lot, I've done black before.
0:57:04 > 0:57:06Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?
0:57:06 > 0:57:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:57:08 > 0:57:10OK, Jamaican, oh, yeah.
0:57:10 > 0:57:11The thing about doing a Jamaican cow,
0:57:11 > 0:57:13you do a Jamaican cow, you can't stand still.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15Cos you have to start gyrating.
0:57:15 > 0:57:16JAMAICAN ACCENT: Yes. Yes.
0:57:16 > 0:57:18Cos you know when you're in the club dem,
0:57:18 > 0:57:21and the man dem come up behind you, and he hold you proper close.
0:57:21 > 0:57:23He hold you proper close.
0:57:23 > 0:57:25OWN ACCENT: You're like, "Um, this is my personal space.
0:57:25 > 0:57:26"That's your personal..."
0:57:26 > 0:57:28JAMAICAN ACCENT: There be no personal space.
0:57:30 > 0:57:32"Oh, I can feel your willy against me!
0:57:33 > 0:57:34"This is very, very sexual."
0:57:34 > 0:57:37It's not sexual at all, it's how we dance in me culture.
0:57:37 > 0:57:38How we dance in me culture!
0:57:38 > 0:57:42"Oh, my God. Your willy's inside me now!"
0:57:43 > 0:57:46"I'm pregnant, I'm definitely pregnant!"
0:57:47 > 0:57:50Let me give you a Jamaican cow.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52Moo.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:58:01 > 0:58:03So, Luisa, you still haven't told us,
0:58:03 > 0:58:05why did you and your ex-boyfriend break-up?
0:58:05 > 0:58:07OK. I will.
0:58:07 > 0:58:08Reluctantly.
0:58:08 > 0:58:10LAUGHTER
0:58:12 > 0:58:14We were best friends for a couple of years, right,
0:58:14 > 0:58:15and I was totally Crazy in Love with him.
0:58:15 > 0:58:16Then we dated for about a year,
0:58:16 > 0:58:19then after that, it was off and on for another year.
0:58:19 > 0:58:20Off and on, off and on, off and on.
0:58:20 > 0:58:22You know the kind of relationship that just won't die?
0:58:24 > 0:58:25I thoroughly recommend,
0:58:25 > 0:58:27if you have some self-esteem that you would like to get rid of,
0:58:27 > 0:58:29engage in one of those bad boys, and woo!
0:58:29 > 0:58:31Watch it go. Watch it go.
0:58:35 > 0:58:36And he was the one that wasn't sure.
0:58:36 > 0:58:38I was always sure. And he'd always be like,
0:58:38 > 0:58:41IRISH ACCENT: "Luisa, I love ye. Like, I proper love ye.
0:58:41 > 0:58:43"Like, do you know that? Like, I love ye.
0:58:44 > 0:58:47"I'm just not ready for, like, a relationship.
0:58:47 > 0:58:48"But I love ye, Luisa.
0:58:48 > 0:58:52"I just can't give you what you want, but I love ye.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54"No, but I love ye.
0:58:54 > 0:58:57"But, no, but I do love ye.
0:58:57 > 0:58:58"I don't know why you're crying.
0:58:58 > 0:59:00"I think I've made it very clear.
0:59:00 > 0:59:01"Like...
0:59:01 > 0:59:03"Like, come on, now.
0:59:03 > 0:59:05"Look, at least I'm being honest, you know.
0:59:06 > 0:59:09"Like, I love ye.
0:59:09 > 0:59:11"But, no, but I love ye, so...
0:59:12 > 0:59:15"It's up to you to decide.
0:59:15 > 0:59:17"So.. Yeah.
0:59:19 > 0:59:20"Cos you know what?
0:59:20 > 0:59:22"Do you know what, Luisa? I'm going to marry you.
0:59:22 > 0:59:24"Fuck it, I won't. I don't know why I said that.
0:59:24 > 0:59:26"Sorry. Sorry."
0:59:26 > 0:59:29And I was like, "Oh, OK, sure, babe, whatever you want.
0:59:29 > 0:59:30"No problem. Yeah."
0:59:30 > 0:59:32And all my friends would be like,
0:59:32 > 0:59:34"Babe, what are you doing with this fool?
0:59:34 > 0:59:36"Like, he's clearly not in love with you. You need to let go."
0:59:36 > 0:59:39And I'd be like, "Oh, my God, you are so jealous. What is your problem?
0:59:39 > 0:59:41"Look, he just doesn't like calling it a relationship.
0:59:41 > 0:59:44"You don't understand guys. That's your problem, you don't understand, like, men.
0:59:44 > 0:59:47"Like, hello, like, it's Shakespeare! A rose by any other name, like,
0:59:47 > 0:59:49"That's what it is, a relationship, just cos I don't call it that,
0:59:49 > 0:59:51"doesn't mean it's not a relationship, does it?
0:59:51 > 0:59:54"He just doesn't like calling it that. That's just how guys are.
0:59:54 > 0:59:56"They just don't like calling it things like that, OK?
0:59:56 > 0:59:58"But it is one, because he calls me first thing in the morning,
0:59:58 > 1:00:01"last thing at night. When we make love, he looks me in the eyes,
1:00:01 > 1:00:03"and he's like, 'I proper fucking love you.'
1:00:03 > 1:00:05"Why would he do that, unless he didn't, OK?
1:00:05 > 1:00:07"Cos we walk down the streets, and he holds my hand.
1:00:07 > 1:00:09"So if that's not love, babe, I don't know what it is.
1:00:09 > 1:00:11"He just doesn't like calling it a relationship.
1:00:11 > 1:00:13"That's all it is, OK? And besides of which..."
1:00:13 > 1:00:14# I was cool with no commitment
1:00:14 > 1:00:16# Wait, let me take that back
1:00:16 > 1:00:18# It was you so I went with it. #
1:00:19 > 1:00:21Destiny...no? OK.
1:00:22 > 1:00:24I see that you all did your homework
1:00:24 > 1:00:26when you came to a show called What Would Beyonce Do?
1:00:28 > 1:00:30And it got to the point where he walked me to the train station.
1:00:30 > 1:00:32He cups my face at the train station, he's like,
1:00:32 > 1:00:35"Luisa, I'm really sorry, Badger, but I can't do this any more.
1:00:35 > 1:00:37"Like, it's over, Badger." He used to call me Badger.
1:00:37 > 1:00:38That was, like, his nickname for me.
1:00:38 > 1:00:40Like, "Oh, you're my badger. You're my badger.
1:00:40 > 1:00:42"You're my badgerella." I know, right? I was like, oh!
1:00:44 > 1:00:46One time, I went to Topshop and found a T-shirt
1:00:46 > 1:00:47with a picture of a badger on it.
1:00:47 > 1:00:48So I bought it and I'd wear it,
1:00:48 > 1:00:50and I'd be like, "Oh, I'm your badger."
1:00:50 > 1:00:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:00:58 > 1:01:00He's cupping my face at the train station.
1:01:00 > 1:01:02He's like, "I love you, badger, like, you know that?
1:01:02 > 1:01:05"Like, it's a great T-shirt. I love you.
1:01:07 > 1:01:08"It's just, it's got to end now.
1:01:08 > 1:01:11"I'm just not ready, but I love you, Badger.
1:01:11 > 1:01:12"I really love you.
1:01:12 > 1:01:15"And, Luisa, you need to listen to me. Even though it's over now,
1:01:15 > 1:01:19"I want you to know that I hope that life treats you kind.
1:01:19 > 1:01:21"OK?
1:01:21 > 1:01:26"And I hope that you have everything that you've ever dreamed of.
1:01:26 > 1:01:28"OK?
1:01:29 > 1:01:30"And I wish you joy.
1:01:33 > 1:01:34"And happiness.
1:01:36 > 1:01:38"But above all of this...
1:01:40 > 1:01:42"..I wish you love.
1:01:43 > 1:01:46"But, no, so, sorry."
1:01:46 > 1:01:48And I was like, "OK, sure, baby.
1:01:48 > 1:01:51"Cool. OK. Well, call me next week when you love me again.
1:01:51 > 1:01:54"Bye. I'll just get on my train to denial.
1:01:54 > 1:01:56"Choo-choo."
1:01:58 > 1:02:01And I didn't hear from him again. I was like, oh, that's weird.
1:02:01 > 1:02:03He's not contacted me for like a week, two weeks, three weeks.
1:02:03 > 1:02:04Why has he not contacted me?
1:02:04 > 1:02:07That's weird, normally he'd call me by now to get it back on again.
1:02:07 > 1:02:08Like, why is he not calling me?
1:02:08 > 1:02:11And the reason he didn't call me is cos he met somebody else.
1:02:11 > 1:02:13And he started a relationship with somebody else.
1:02:13 > 1:02:16And I remember at the time feeling so flawed,
1:02:16 > 1:02:18because I thought that you weren't ready.
1:02:18 > 1:02:20And people say, "Don't take it personally."
1:02:20 > 1:02:21How do you not take it personally?
1:02:21 > 1:02:23It's not that you didn't want a relationship,
1:02:23 > 1:02:25you just didn't want a relationship with me.
1:02:25 > 1:02:28And at the time, that left me feeling
1:02:28 > 1:02:31so insignificant and worthless.
1:02:31 > 1:02:33Like my love for him meant nothing.
1:02:33 > 1:02:36Like his love for me meant nothing.
1:02:36 > 1:02:37Because we were both holding on.
1:02:37 > 1:02:39But then you let go to grab another branch,
1:02:39 > 1:02:41but that meant that I just fell.
1:02:41 > 1:02:47And at the time, it felt like such a slap in the face.
1:02:47 > 1:02:48How quickly...
1:02:51 > 1:02:52..I was replaced.
1:02:57 > 1:02:59# And are you thinking of me
1:02:59 > 1:03:01# When you...her? #
1:03:02 > 1:03:05That's the radio edit, and yes, we are going to have a singalong, bitches.
1:03:05 > 1:03:06So brace yourselves.
1:03:06 > 1:03:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:03:11 > 1:03:13# Cos the love that you gave that we made
1:03:13 > 1:03:16# Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be
1:03:16 > 1:03:17# Open wide
1:03:17 > 1:03:19# And you know
1:03:20 > 1:03:22# And every time you speak her name
1:03:22 > 1:03:25# Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
1:03:25 > 1:03:26# Until you died
1:03:26 > 1:03:27# Till you died
1:03:27 > 1:03:29- # But you're still alive. # - Sing it, bitches!
1:03:29 > 1:03:31# And I'm here
1:03:31 > 1:03:33# To remind you
1:03:33 > 1:03:36# Of the mess you left
1:03:36 > 1:03:38# When you went away
1:03:38 > 1:03:40# It's not fair
1:03:40 > 1:03:42# To deny me
1:03:42 > 1:03:44# Of the cross I bear
1:03:44 > 1:03:46# That you gave to me
1:03:46 > 1:03:47# You, you
1:03:47 > 1:03:49# You oughta know! #
1:03:50 > 1:03:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:03:57 > 1:03:59There's my boat! There's my boat!
1:03:59 > 1:04:01Get the boat, babe, quick.
1:04:01 > 1:04:04Quick, got to get the boat, babe.
1:04:04 > 1:04:06Come back.
1:04:06 > 1:04:07SHE BLOWS LOUDLY
1:04:07 > 1:04:08Come back.
1:04:08 > 1:04:10SHE BLOWS LOUDLY
1:04:11 > 1:04:13Bring the boat back.
1:04:15 > 1:04:18"Hi, there, crazy lady walking along the beach
1:04:18 > 1:04:21"pretending to be Rose from Titanic. What's your problem?"
1:04:22 > 1:04:23You've got to help me, there's my boat.
1:04:23 > 1:04:25She's taking my relationship.
1:04:25 > 1:04:27There's four years of my life in that boat and she's taken it.
1:04:27 > 1:04:29You've got to get my boat back. I need my boat back.
1:04:29 > 1:04:31She's taken my relationship.
1:04:31 > 1:04:32"That's not very nice.
1:04:32 > 1:04:34"Let's have a little look.
1:04:34 > 1:04:37"That's not your relationship, that's obviously their relationship.
1:04:37 > 1:04:40"Oh, they look so happy in that little relationship."
1:04:40 > 1:04:42No, no, that was my boat.
1:04:42 > 1:04:44She took my boat. That's my boat.
1:04:44 > 1:04:45"Stop being a cray-cray bitch.
1:04:47 > 1:04:50"Walking around butt naked, put some clothes on.
1:04:53 > 1:04:56"That's not your boat, that's obviously their boat.
1:04:56 > 1:04:58"You shouldn't deny other people their happiness.
1:04:58 > 1:05:00"That's a horrible trait. Don't be jealous of other people,
1:05:00 > 1:05:03"that's very unattractive, let me see you be happy for them.
1:05:10 > 1:05:13"Jesus. Every other week I get one of you wailing bitches.
1:05:13 > 1:05:15"'That's my relationship...'
1:05:15 > 1:05:19"No. Come here, let me give you a lesson that somebody once told me.
1:05:19 > 1:05:23"When you stand here by the shore of the ocean of life,
1:05:23 > 1:05:25"and you look for your relationship,
1:05:25 > 1:05:29"you're never gon' find your relationship.
1:05:29 > 1:05:34"But I promise, the day you stop looking, all of a sudden..."
1:05:34 > 1:05:36No!
1:05:37 > 1:05:40You could have at least given me back my iPhone charger!
1:05:41 > 1:05:43They're expensive.
1:05:48 > 1:05:51It's just what you want, isn't it, when you're heartbroken?
1:05:51 > 1:05:52Just to go into the Apple Store
1:05:52 > 1:05:54and buy two bits of shit that cost you like £100 each.
1:05:54 > 1:05:58Just to charge up your phone and go, "Oh, no more messages ever.
1:05:58 > 1:06:01"Thank you so much."
1:06:01 > 1:06:03And he sails off in his new relationship,
1:06:03 > 1:06:04and he threw my heart overboard.
1:06:04 > 1:06:06And my heart got washed up, and I picked it up.
1:06:06 > 1:06:09And it's there, all deflated.
1:06:09 > 1:06:10It's got seaweed and, like, urine on it,
1:06:10 > 1:06:12where people have weed in the ocean...
1:06:12 > 1:06:14I mean, I do it too, what's the point of going all the way in,
1:06:14 > 1:06:16do you know what I mean?
1:06:16 > 1:06:17And I didn't know how to fix it.
1:06:17 > 1:06:19I haven't seen a good, strong relationship work around me.
1:06:19 > 1:06:21I didn't know how to fix it. So I thought, well,
1:06:21 > 1:06:24if you're going to look up to anyone, may as well be the Queen B, right?
1:06:24 > 1:06:25And she's like, well, be an independent woman.
1:06:25 > 1:06:27Hang out with the girls, go round the world,
1:06:27 > 1:06:28it's there for the taking.
1:06:28 > 1:06:30So I spent a good two years of my life just,
1:06:30 > 1:06:32with my deflated broken heart, trying to fix it, like...
1:06:40 > 1:06:42"Maybe I'll do some yoga classes.
1:06:42 > 1:06:44"Get rid of some of that cellulite I've been talking about.
1:06:44 > 1:06:46"It's not a bad idea.
1:06:51 > 1:06:52"I mean, my friends tell me I'm pretty.
1:06:52 > 1:06:55"OK, I've got a hairy chin sometimes, but I do OK.
1:07:00 > 1:07:03"Maybe this is an opportunity for you to start focusing on yourself
1:07:03 > 1:07:05"and your own wants and aspirations and dreams.
1:07:05 > 1:07:06"Maybe you could focus on your career.
1:07:06 > 1:07:08"I mean, you've always wanted to do comedy.
1:07:08 > 1:07:10"I know in five minutes, they think you're a bit batshit
1:07:10 > 1:07:13"cos they don't really get you. But maybe if you could put it together
1:07:13 > 1:07:15"with some kind of pop culture references, and then, I don't know,
1:07:15 > 1:07:17"give it some kind of structure, I don't know,
1:07:17 > 1:07:20"you could go on to Edinburgh Fringe Festival and have one of the most
1:07:20 > 1:07:23"successful debut shows to come out of there, and five years later,
1:07:23 > 1:07:24"if you're really lucky..."
1:07:24 > 1:07:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:07:28 > 1:07:29"If you're really lucky,
1:07:29 > 1:07:31"maybe a little bit of time later,
1:07:31 > 1:07:34"they might let you film it for, like, the BBC or something.
1:07:34 > 1:07:35"I don't know."
1:07:35 > 1:07:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:07:38 > 1:07:40"Oh, no.
1:07:40 > 1:07:42"That'll never happen.
1:07:42 > 1:07:45"What? Dreams really can come true?"
1:07:52 > 1:07:55"I fixed it. I fixed my broken heart.
1:07:55 > 1:07:56"I'm finally ready.
1:07:56 > 1:07:57"I think I'm ready.
1:07:57 > 1:08:00"I think it's time. I fixed my broken heart.
1:08:00 > 1:08:02"I think it's finally time.
1:08:02 > 1:08:05"I think I'm just going to have a look on his Twitter."
1:08:07 > 1:08:09"Oh, no, not the Twitter page!"
1:08:09 > 1:08:11Shut up, Heart, you don't know what you're talking about.
1:08:11 > 1:08:13You made me fall in love with him in the first place,
1:08:13 > 1:08:15I'm never listening to you again.
1:08:15 > 1:08:17EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: "Please, stay away."
1:08:23 > 1:08:25Mr Vagina?
1:08:26 > 1:08:28I thought you'd died!
1:08:31 > 1:08:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:08:38 > 1:08:40"No, I've been hibernating for a long time.
1:08:41 > 1:08:43"Like a hedgehog. Please do not look at the page.
1:08:43 > 1:08:45"Please do not look at the page."
1:08:45 > 1:08:47Guys, it's fine, he was in my life for four years,
1:08:47 > 1:08:48what should I do, just forget about him?
1:08:48 > 1:08:50It's been four months, I just want to see what he's up to.
1:08:50 > 1:08:52Like, I'm fine, I just want to see what he's up to.
1:08:52 > 1:08:54I just want to see if, you know,
1:08:54 > 1:08:56he says anything that maybe I should get in touch or something.
1:08:56 > 1:08:57I just want to see how...
1:08:57 > 1:09:00"For the love of God, do not look at... I beg you, please stop."
1:09:00 > 1:09:02Guys, I'm fine. Oh, look, he's got a picture. He's got a picture.
1:09:02 > 1:09:04I'm just going to look at the picture.
1:09:04 > 1:09:05"For the love of God, do not open picture.
1:09:05 > 1:09:06I'm not listening to you, OK?
1:09:06 > 1:09:08I don't know why you're Eastern European,
1:09:08 > 1:09:10I think that's very strange, OK?
1:09:12 > 1:09:15"Oh, please, like you can take the girl out of Poland."
1:09:17 > 1:09:18Very true, Mr Vagina.
1:09:18 > 1:09:20High five. High five.
1:09:22 > 1:09:23Look, he's just got a picture on his Twitter,
1:09:23 > 1:09:25I'm just going to open the picture.
1:09:25 > 1:09:27Hashtag L.O.V.E. I'm just going to open the picture.
1:09:27 > 1:09:30"For the love of God, I beg you, do not open picture."
1:09:30 > 1:09:33It's fine. What's the worst that can happen?
1:09:33 > 1:09:35Just going to open the picture.
1:09:35 > 1:09:36SHE GULPS
1:09:40 > 1:09:43AAAH!
1:09:43 > 1:09:44SHE SOBS
1:09:51 > 1:09:55I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.
1:09:55 > 1:09:58Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry,
1:09:58 > 1:10:00don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
1:10:00 > 1:10:03I mean, maybe... Maybe... Maybe they're not that happy.
1:10:05 > 1:10:08I mean, Instagram makes everything look more romantic.
1:10:08 > 1:10:10So maybe... Maybe he's not that...
1:10:10 > 1:10:12Maybe he's not that happy.
1:10:13 > 1:10:15But he's got his happy face on.
1:10:16 > 1:10:19That was the face I knew, I don't know why he'd be...
1:10:19 > 1:10:21Why he'd be happy.
1:10:22 > 1:10:25Like, I thought maybe you might be missing me.
1:10:25 > 1:10:27Because I...
1:10:28 > 1:10:29I still miss you.
1:10:30 > 1:10:33And I don't understand why you wouldn't be missing...
1:10:34 > 1:10:36..me when I...
1:10:36 > 1:10:37I still miss...
1:10:37 > 1:10:39y...y...
1:10:39 > 1:10:41you.
1:10:47 > 1:10:48That was...
1:10:48 > 1:10:50That was meant to be my boat.
1:10:53 > 1:10:54That was...
1:10:54 > 1:10:56My... My boat.
1:10:59 > 1:11:03# Never...mind...I'll find...
1:11:06 > 1:11:09# Someone...like...you
1:11:14 > 1:11:19# I wish nothing but the best...
1:11:22 > 1:11:26# For you
1:11:27 > 1:11:31# Don't forget me
1:11:31 > 1:11:33# I beg
1:11:33 > 1:11:38# I remember you said
1:11:38 > 1:11:41- AUDIENCE JOINS IN: - # Sometimes it lasts in love
1:11:41 > 1:11:45# But sometimes it hurts instead. #
1:11:45 > 1:11:46Aaah!
1:11:46 > 1:11:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:12:02 > 1:12:04"Come on, Luisa, you've got to get up.
1:12:04 > 1:12:06"You've got to get off the kitchen floor."
1:12:06 > 1:12:08I don't want to get up.
1:12:08 > 1:12:10I don't even want a sandwich.
1:12:13 > 1:12:14"Come on, Luisa, you've got to get up.
1:12:14 > 1:12:16"You've got to be somebody, go somewhere."
1:12:16 > 1:12:18I don't want to go anywhere.
1:12:18 > 1:12:20I don't know why the whole world hates me,
1:12:20 > 1:12:21all I ever did was love him.
1:12:23 > 1:12:25"Come on, Luisa.
1:12:25 > 1:12:26"Come on.
1:12:26 > 1:12:29"You've just got to think to yourself, well..."
1:12:29 > 1:12:31What? What?
1:12:32 > 1:12:36"What would Beyonce do?"
1:12:38 > 1:12:40MUSIC PLAYS: Survivor by Destiny's Child
1:12:40 > 1:12:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:12:49 > 1:12:51# Now that you're out of my life
1:12:51 > 1:12:52# I'm so much better
1:12:52 > 1:12:54# You thought that I'd be weak without you
1:12:54 > 1:12:55# But I'm stronger
1:12:55 > 1:12:57# You thought that I'd be broke without you
1:12:57 > 1:12:58# But I'm richer
1:12:58 > 1:13:00# You thought that I'd be sad without you
1:13:00 > 1:13:01# I laugh harder
1:13:01 > 1:13:03# You thought I wouldn't grow without you
1:13:03 > 1:13:04# Now I'm wiser
1:13:04 > 1:13:06# Thought that I'd be helpless without you
1:13:06 > 1:13:07# But I'm smarter
1:13:07 > 1:13:09# You thought that I'd be stressed without you
1:13:09 > 1:13:10# But I'm chillin'
1:13:10 > 1:13:12# You thought I wouldn't sell without you
1:13:12 > 1:13:13# Sold nine million
1:13:13 > 1:13:15# I'm a survivor
1:13:15 > 1:13:16# I'm not gon' give up
1:13:16 > 1:13:17# I'm not gon' stop
1:13:17 > 1:13:19# I'm gon work harder
1:13:19 > 1:13:21# I'm a survivor
1:13:21 > 1:13:22# I'm gonna make it
1:13:22 > 1:13:23# I will survive
1:13:23 > 1:13:25# Keep on survivin'
1:13:25 > 1:13:26# I'm a survivor... #
1:13:26 > 1:13:28Ladies and gentlemen, that is my show.
1:13:28 > 1:13:30Thank you.
1:13:30 > 1:13:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:13:31 > 1:13:33# I'm a survivor
1:13:33 > 1:13:34# I'm gonna make it
1:13:34 > 1:13:35# I will survive
1:13:35 > 1:13:37# Keep on survivin'
1:13:37 > 1:13:39# Thought I couldn't breathe without you
1:13:39 > 1:13:40# I'm inhaling
1:13:40 > 1:13:42# You thought I couldn't see without you
1:13:42 > 1:13:43# Perfect vision
1:13:43 > 1:13:45# You thought I couldn't last without you
1:13:45 > 1:13:46# But I'm lastin'
1:13:46 > 1:13:48# You thought that I would die without you
1:13:48 > 1:13:49# But I'm livin'
1:13:49 > 1:13:51# Thought that I would fail without you
1:13:51 > 1:13:52# But I'm on top
1:13:52 > 1:13:54# Thought it would be over by now
1:13:54 > 1:13:55# But it won't stop
1:13:55 > 1:13:57# Thought that I would self-destruct
1:13:57 > 1:13:58# But I'm still here
1:13:58 > 1:13:59# Even in my years to come
1:13:59 > 1:14:01# I'm still gon' be here
1:14:01 > 1:14:02# I'm a survivor
1:14:02 > 1:14:04# I'm not gon' give up
1:14:04 > 1:14:05# I'm not gon' stop
1:14:05 > 1:14:06# I'm gon' work harder. #