0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ladies and gentlemen, please can you welcome to the stage,
0:00:04 > 0:00:07me, Romesh Ranganathan!
0:00:07 > 0:00:11This programme contains strong language.
0:00:11 > 0:00:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:24 > 0:00:26All right?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Hello, Hammersmith Apollo, how are we?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:33The reason I'm asking, it's very nice to see you,
0:00:33 > 0:00:34you all seem very happy.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Um... I sort of wonder how happy I am, you know?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I discover things about myself, even now.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I had an epiphany recently, in a Starbucks.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Are there any fans of Starbucks in?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46SCATTERED CHEERS
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Who hates Starbucks? CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Yeah, I know. I know... (RP ACCENT): "..they don't pay
0:00:51 > 0:00:53"their taxes, Romesh, they don't pay their taxes."
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- "I can't believe you'd even mention them." (OWN VOICE): That's- why- I drink there.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58That's why I drink there - I drink in Starbucks
0:00:58 > 0:01:01because I don't agree with the war on Syria, and I know that
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Starbucks aren't funding it cos they're not funding anything.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05All right? So...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I was in a Starbucks, I had my epiphany in a Starbucks,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16and I tell you what, I was annoyed because I was at a shared table.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I'm at a shared table. We have to sit with other people.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20It's unacceptable, isn't it,
0:01:20 > 0:01:24that we have to sit with other people, with strangers, now?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27This is a thing that they do. They do it in restaurants, as well, like Wagamama's.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Who's been in a Wagamama's recently?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Yeah? Wagamama's is a shithole.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32It's a shithole, all right?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And they get away with being a shithole because they tell you,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37"That's the way we do it at Wagamama's."
0:01:37 > 0:01:38"That's the way we do it at Wagamama's."
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I went in there, "Can I have a table for two, please?"
0:01:41 > 0:01:42"There's no table for two..."
0:01:42 > 0:01:46"..at Wagamama's, it's shared table, you sit with..." It's a restaurant
0:01:46 > 0:01:49where you don't get your own table, right?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51And God forbid you go there on your own!
0:01:51 > 0:01:56I went to eat there on my own, and they sat me at a trough for loners by the window, right?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59We were sat there like puppy dogs at a rescue centre, just...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"You not get any friends either?" "Nah, mate."
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I could not believe it, man.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09When you go to a restaurant, you order your food,
0:02:09 > 0:02:10you eat your food, and then you go.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Right? That's how a restaurant's supposed to work. Not at Wagamama's.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Might not work out like that.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Because at Wagamama's, they don't know
0:02:17 > 0:02:19when your food's going to be ready.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I was at Wagamama's. I ordered my food.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24They said, "Just to let you know, at Wagamama's,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28"the food might not arrive all at the same time.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33"At Wagamama's, the food arrives when it's ready."
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Why?!
0:02:34 > 0:02:35What's the unknown variable here?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Have you never cooked this shit before?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Let me give you a little tip, Waga, or tell your mama,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43or whoever the fuck's got to find out about this...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46..try and remember how long it took you to make it the last time
0:02:46 > 0:02:48you cooked it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Subtract that from the time that you would like it to be ready,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53and then start cooking it then, you mouth-breather!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Because what I don't want...
0:02:57 > 0:03:01APPLAUSE
0:03:02 > 0:03:05..what I don't want is to be having my starter when this prick's
0:03:05 > 0:03:08having his dessert because you can't co-ordinate two meals!
0:03:08 > 0:03:12We're just supposed to sit there, like, "Fingers crossed!"
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It's unbelievable, mate.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I ordered my food, right... This is what happened.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I ordered my food. The guy writes what I've ordered on my bit of paper.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23I order it, he writes it down there.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I'm not the one that needs a reminder, mate!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I think I can hold on to the information,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30just make sure it's on your notepad, knobhead.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32What do you think's going to happen?!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You think you're going to come out and, "Who ordered the tofu noodles?"
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"Fuck knows!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:41"I thought we'd ordered the cocktail!"
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It's not just restaurants and cafes I find irritating.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Cinema, I find annoying.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49I go to the cinema on my own a lot.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I do go with my children from time to time,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53but I find it very frustrating...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56..going with my children, because they don't have a
0:03:56 > 0:03:58very discerning palate when it comes to watching films.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00They think everything's good,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03and I get frustrated that I can't talk to them...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06..about it. I went to watch Ice Age 4 with my son.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07It's a goddamn abomination. Right?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I'm sitting there watching it, thinking, "I can't wait to talk to him about it."
0:04:11 > 0:04:14We get out the cinema, he goes to me, "That was brilliant, wasn't it, Daddy?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I'm like, "I can't talk to you, can I?"
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"Bright colours, loud noises, you're impressed. It was SHIT, bruv!"
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So, anyway, I go to the cinema on my own a lot.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I go to the cinema on my own a lot, but I like children's films.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Now...
0:04:36 > 0:04:40..going on your own to watch a children's film at the cinema
0:04:40 > 0:04:43is a very selfish thing to do, OK?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Cos what you are basically doing is,
0:04:45 > 0:04:50you are ruining that experience for everybody else in the cinema.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Because if you go with your kids to the cinema to watch a film
0:04:53 > 0:04:56and there's somebody that looks like me
0:04:56 > 0:05:02sat on their own in the theatre, you can't fully enjoy that film, right?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Not if you're a good parent.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07If you're a good parent, you're 80% watching the film,
0:05:07 > 0:05:1020% checking to see if that guy starts wanking.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Right? That's...
0:05:13 > 0:05:15..that's if you're a good parent.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I've had three kids and I regret it, you know? I do regret it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21It's too many, isn't it?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Isn't it too many?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Who's got more than two kids?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Yeah? What a shitting error!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30But what can you do? You can't kill them.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You just got to sit there and wait to die, like,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"I can't believe we've done this."
0:05:34 > 0:05:35"We are never going to be happy.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"I know, I don't know why we did it.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"Well, it was your idea, it wasn't my idea.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41"I said, "I don't like condoms," that's very different."
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I don't know why we had the third one.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I don't know...!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I know why we had the second one, cos the first one's a legend.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Oh, my God, what a kid.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56(IN RP ACCENT): "Hello, Daddy."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Love you, Daddy."
0:05:58 > 0:05:59"Can I get you some toast, Daddy?"
0:05:59 > 0:06:01(OWN VOICE): Oh, my God, love that boy. Mmm!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07When we just had him, I said to my wife, "Do you know what, darling?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"I think we've mastered parenting.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15"Do you know what I think it is?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"I think it's just about setting clear boundaries
0:06:19 > 0:06:20"and being consistent."
0:06:23 > 0:06:25The second one - feral, right?!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I love him, but what a prick this kid is, man.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Like, I love him, but I do not like him.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Sometime I want him to get hurt.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39There you go, I said it, sometimes...
0:06:39 > 0:06:44..I want this prick to get hurt. And let me explain why.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47He doesn't listen to a word I say, this kid.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Five-year-old boy, doesn't listen to anything I say.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51When we go out, he runs away.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53But not in, like, a cute, toddler way -
0:06:53 > 0:06:55he runs away like he's fleeing Isis.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Just headed for the hills.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01People go, "Let's get you away from the bad man.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"Don't worry, don't worry."
0:07:03 > 0:07:05And let's be honest, I don't look like I'm NOT in Isis, yeah?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Sometimes I want him to get hurt, man.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17When I say to him, "Dude, don't do that...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"..because if you do that, you're going to get hurt..."
0:07:20 > 0:07:22..and then he does it...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24..and he doesn't get hurt...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28..that pisses me off, right?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Because that is...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31that is life telling him that I'm full of shit.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33That's what's happening, there.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Trying to control these kids, man, it's hard.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Who's got more than two?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Who's got three?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44How many have you got, mate?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Three. What's your name, madam?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Danielle.- Danielle. Hello, Danielle, how are you?
0:07:48 > 0:07:49What have you got?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Two girls and a boy. - Two girls and a boy.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- Have you tried behaviour charts with your kids?- Yep.- Yeah?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57We're trying to do behaviour charts with our kids, right?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59It's where you get a chart, stick it up on the fridge...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Well, you put it where you want, but...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05..ours is on the fridge. Every time your kid's good, they get a sticker.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07When they get enough stickers you buy them something
0:08:07 > 0:08:09because you're out of ideas.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10That's basically...
0:08:10 > 0:08:11You could, obviously...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Obviously, you could promise some quality time, but...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17..what a massive ball ache that is!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I don't see why I should reward my children's behaviour
0:08:21 > 0:08:23by punishing myself. It makes no sense.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'm not saying it's a punishment to spend time with my children,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I'm saying it's a punishment to organise something.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35You know, you got to book the tickets, look at the...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"Just have something plastic and fuck off," that's my strategy.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41That's what you're doing when you buy your kids a present, isn't it? "This is for you...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45"..to leave Mummy and Daddy alone for a long, long time.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"If you get bored with the car, have a
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"look in the boot, there's a little sedative."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54And so, anyway... We're doing the behaviour charts.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56We're setting our kids targets, right?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58We're setting them school-based targets.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02My eldest has been at school for a while, the second one has just started, right?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Before... I think that school is the first point at which
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I sort of care about what my kids are up to when they're not at home.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12What I mean by that is, when my eldest son was at nursery,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I'd go to pick him up and the girl there would go, "Great day today.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Would you like your daily report of what he's been up to?"
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Er... No!
0:09:20 > 0:09:24I don't think so. What could possibly have done today,
0:09:24 > 0:09:25that I would care...?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29"Let me guess, he dropped some stuff and he shit himself, because
0:09:29 > 0:09:30"that's what he does at home.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33"Like, unless he's built a shed, I really...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36"..couldn't care less about what you've got to say.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"In fact, I resent the fact you're talking to me now."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40That's the honest truth of it.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44So anyway, they're at school. The second one's just started.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Just before the second one started, we got a letter home saying,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"Please make sure your kid can dress themselves
0:09:51 > 0:09:52"and they're toilet trained."
0:09:52 > 0:09:57Now, I'm hoping beyond hope that every parent got that letter.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05What I mean by that is, I'm hoping they didn't just see us one day...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08..and think, "Jesus Christ, fire a letter off to those savages."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11My wife started getting nervous about it, right, like,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"Oh, my God, what if he's not toilet..." I said, "Who cares?"
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"If he shits himself at school,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20"the bullying alone will stop that immediately.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24"That will cure him of that straight away." Right?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Plus, I don't even know the point of toilet training.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What is the point of toilet training?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31What happens if you don't do it?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35What are the consequences? You're going to get it eventually.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Aren't you? Have you ever met anyone...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Have you ever met anyone that's just gone, "I was just never..."
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"..I was just never toilet trained, and..."
0:10:52 > 0:10:55"..now I just shit where I stand. It's sad.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"My God, I've just done one." Do you know what I mean?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Who the hell does that?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03So, anyway, the kids are at school.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04We're setting them targets.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07The eldest one, we've got targets like, "Get yourself
0:11:07 > 0:11:09"on the smiley face board at school."
0:11:09 > 0:11:11"Be helpful to your teacher."
0:11:11 > 0:11:15You can't have targets like that for the second one. Yeah?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Those targets are too aspirational...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21..for this arsehole, right? So he's got targets like,
0:11:21 > 0:11:22"Don't burn anything."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"No knife crime."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29These are the targets we have for this prick, right? So anyway...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32..eventually, he gets five stickers.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's not that impressive, it is after a six-month period. Right?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38But I said to him, "Well done, mate, you've absolutely smashed it."
0:11:38 > 0:11:40"Let's get you a couple of things."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42He chose two things - a Spider-Man costume
0:11:42 > 0:11:46and a pushchair with a doll in it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Now, fine. No problem at all.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52The issue that I had is that he wanted to use those
0:11:52 > 0:11:56things at the same time.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58So the next time I go out with him...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03..we're down the park.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07He's got a full Spider-Man costume on, pushing a pushchair,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09looking like a Father For Justice.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17APPLAUSE
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Just this horrible tribute act.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22"Weekends are not enough, Daddy!"
0:12:23 > 0:12:24The third one...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28..don't really know what he's going to be like, cos he's only two.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Do you know what I mean?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31He's not really contributing anything...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34..personality-wise, or whatever.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37He did do something quite cool when he was a little baby, which I
0:12:37 > 0:12:39thought, "Hold on a minute, this kid might be a goddamn legend."
0:12:39 > 0:12:41When he was a little baby...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44He slammed me, before he could even speak, slammed me. This is how he did it.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I was having a little father-son moment with him,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48just "Coochy coochy coo, coochy coo.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49"Daddy loves you.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50"Daddy loves you."
0:12:50 > 0:12:52He...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54..latched on to breast-feed.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03That is a baby's way of going,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"You're a fat prick, mate, aren't you?"
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Anyway, I've digressed massively. I'm in Starbucks.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13All right?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I'm in Starbucks, I'm having a coffee. Right?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I'm on my laptop, because I need something to look at.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Right? I can't just drink a coffee, and just..
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You know these people, just?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"I just like to watch the world go by. That's what I do, people-watch."
0:13:32 > 0:13:33You're a psychopath.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36That's, that's what you are, all right?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38So, I'm on my laptop, I'm on Facebook.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Do you like Facebook, mate? Course you do, brother.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43You know my favourite thing about Facebook?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46My favourite thing about Facebook.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47And your favourite thing, as well,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51is when people you know hit rock bottom.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"I DON'T THINK I CAN GO ON ANY MORE."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Like!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Sometimes, I unlike it and like it again,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11just so they get the notification, do you know what I mean?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Still watching!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19One of the other things I like about Facebook is the fact that,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20you know, I'm an unattractive man.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22There is no point denying that, all right?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I'm an unattractive man, but I've not got unattractive as I've got older.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I've always looked terrible, right?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I set the bar low early doors.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Now, that sounds sad, but what that means is that I'm
0:14:34 > 0:14:37liberated from the ageing process, right?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Because I am never going to look worse.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42And I've never looked better, right?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44My life cycle is look like shit, look like shit,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45look like shit, dead.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Right? Incredible.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49But what I like to do is, I like to...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Basically, you know the people in your year group at school,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54the people that were the hot ones in your year group?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57They were so hot they didn't bother to develop a personality,
0:14:57 > 0:14:58cos they were so good-looking.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01They were never nice to you because they're so good-looking.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04All the teachers were great to them cos they were good-looking.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06What I like to do is I like to
0:15:06 > 0:15:09go on Facebook, find them now...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11..and check out how they've decayed.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I send them little passive-aggressive messages,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17like, "Is that you?"
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"I barely recognised you."
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I'm not worried about getting older, man. Do you know what I'm worried about? Putting on weight.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I mean, I look like shit.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'm very self-conscious about my body.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Not so self-conscious that I'm actually going to change my
0:15:45 > 0:15:48lifestyle, but I am self-conscious, though.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50This is how bad I've got it.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I woke up one morning,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I was so disgusted
0:15:57 > 0:16:02at the chocolate blancmange abomination
0:16:02 > 0:16:06that was staring back at me, that I went back to the bedroom
0:16:06 > 0:16:10and I apologised to my wife for my appearance.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13And she accepted my apology.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18APPLAUSE
0:16:18 > 0:16:20This is how bad I've got it, right? I don't even want to
0:16:20 > 0:16:22take my kids swimming because
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I don't want to take my top off in public.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Do you know what my wife said to me? "Just wear a T-shirt."
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh, yeah, that'll distract any attention, won't it?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32One knobhead in the corner of the pool,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34wet T-shirt clinging to his torso.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44"Oh, yeah, I find this just helps me glide through the water, yeah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48"No, no, no, he's not breast-feeding, we're just having a laugh."
0:16:48 > 0:16:49I think...
0:16:50 > 0:16:53..my excess weight and my lack of attractiveness is
0:16:53 > 0:16:56one of the main reasons I've never cheated on my wife.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59It's not the number one reason,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01that is because I love her very much. But...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Thank you, but a close second...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09..is lack of opportunity. I'm meaning this...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13There is no point denying that.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It's easy to be faithful when you're repulsive, isn't it?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I mean, I can't even fantasise about another woman,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20cos that fantasy is ruined by the fact that in that fantasy,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I would have to be there, do you know what I mean?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24It's a massive turn-off.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26It doesn't matter how hot the woman is, eventually my gelatinous
0:17:26 > 0:17:30bulk has to rock up and say, "Can we start having sex now?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:34If I want to fantasise about a woman, I've first got to fantasise
0:17:34 > 0:17:36about six months of intensive cardio, do you know what I mean?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Like...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40This is what I find helpful about Facebook, right,
0:17:40 > 0:17:41what I find useful about it,
0:17:41 > 0:17:46is it enables your to identify which of your friends are twats, basically.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Because what happens is,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50when your friends speak to you they just tell you what
0:17:50 > 0:17:53they think you want to hear or they sort of, like,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55keep their real opinions to themselves.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59But on Facebook, they post up what they really think,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and then you think, "oh, right, yeah, no, you are a bell-end."
0:18:02 > 0:18:05"Like... I didn't know, I suspected, but now I know."
0:18:05 > 0:18:08It's when you find out which of your friends are racist,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11homophobic, sexist, misogynistic, Islamophobic...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13My wife gets really offended.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15She's like, "oh, God, I hate it." I love it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I gravitate towards it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I start asking them more questions.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I want to know exactly how idiotic these morons are, right?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27One of my wife's friends, she put up a Britain First picture. Right?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"Ban the burkha," right?
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Had a picture of a woman in a burkha. It said, "This is DISGUSTING.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"If you want this to stop, click Like."
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Because...
0:18:37 > 0:18:39..that is how...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43..this woman thinks that legislation works.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Right? That, basically, Theresa May will look at that and go,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Shit, we're going to have to ban the burkha.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52"Well, it's got 700 likes, and they've just put it on Lad Bible."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Anyway, straight away, right, my wife defriended her.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00She said, "It's racist."
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Now, I don't know if she really thought that or if she was doing it out of solidarity with me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I'm not Muslim, but I think she's just trying to show that
0:19:07 > 0:19:09she's down with the browns, you know?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Anyway, straight away, she defriended her.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Fuck that, mate! I added her.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I sent her a message, "I don't like Muslims, either."
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Do you know what I mean?
0:19:24 > 0:19:30But it does make me nervous, cos I think, "Shit..." you know,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"..what does this mean for my..."
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'm married to a white woman, do you know what I mean?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I'm telling you that because it's important for the next bit,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I'm not showing off, all right?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45But I'm not one of these ethnic minorities that remain within their own communities.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49I'll move to your neighbourhood, I'll take one of your jobs, I'll shag one of your women.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53APPLAUSE CHEERING
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And I will bring the property prices right down.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58That's just how I operate.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Sometimes I think I'm having more children just to
0:20:00 > 0:20:02piss off the neighbours, do you know what I mean?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Just, "Another brown one, mate!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11"You'll be the minority soon, won't you, if this carries on!
0:20:14 > 0:20:19"I can't remember the last time I saw a condom, to be honest with you!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"Ah, don't worry about it. If I can't afford it, I'll just claim."
0:20:24 > 0:20:28But it does make me nervous, cos I think I'm in a multicultural family.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29What the hell's going on?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I mean, Ukip got a million votes in the last election.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I was thinking, "Jesus, what does that mean for my family?"
0:20:34 > 0:20:36And then I realised, I'm misjudging Ukip.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I don't know anything about them.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I'm bandying them in with the EDL and Britain First.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45I thought, "I don't know anything about them. Need to educate myself. Need to find out about them."
0:20:45 > 0:20:48So I did, I went to the Ukip website, checked them out.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Do you know what?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Very nice website.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Nice colour scheme, easy to navigate menus - they've got some values.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Started looking at the policies.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01I'm thinking, "There's not a lot of shit here I disagree with."
0:21:01 > 0:21:05You know? They want to take tax off the minimum wage. I'm in complete agreement with that.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I get to the end of it, read all the policies, I thought, "Fuck!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11"I think I'm Ukip."
0:21:15 > 0:21:16I phoned up my mum, I said,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"Honestly, what have you really contributed?"
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I'll be honest with you, I wasn't that happy with her answers.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28That's the honest truth of it.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30She might have to go.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Should have put more in.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36She is a wonderful woman...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38..my mother, but she, um...
0:21:38 > 0:21:43CHEERING
0:21:44 > 0:21:46OK. Um...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48She doesn't actually consider me to be a proper Asian.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52This is the sad state of affairs in my life. My mum calls me a coconut. I don't know if you've heard this.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Don't applaud it!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Brown on the outside, white on the inside. That's what my mum calls me.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59(AS HIS MUM): "You coconut!"
0:21:59 > 0:22:01(IN OWN VOICE): And the reason...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07The reason my mum calls me a coconut is I was originally Sri Lankan,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10my mother tongue is Tamil and I cannot speak it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12And the reason I cannot speak it is because my mum
0:22:12 > 0:22:15and dad never spoke it to me...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20..when I was growing up, and now my mum blames me...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22..for not being able to speak it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So she'll come up to me and she'll go... "Ba tack a da-da"
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And I'll say, "I dunno what you're on about." Right?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30And then she'll go, "WHY DON'T YOU KNOW?!"
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Right?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33"Because there's no Rosetta Stone Tamil!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35"That's why I don't know, Mum!"
0:22:35 > 0:22:38APPLAUSE
0:22:38 > 0:22:41And then we'll go out and my mum will slag me
0:22:41 > 0:22:44off to her friends in front of me, like I don't know what's going on.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47So I'll be stood there, she'll be at a party, and she'll be going,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51"Ba tack a ba, coconut, ba da da." Like, "I know what you're saying, Mum!"
0:22:54 > 0:22:56"I got the gist of what you said there."
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Then she'll try and code it up like some sort of special agent, right?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"Ba tacka lacka, BOUNTY, ba da da."
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Like, "I know what a Bounty is!"
0:23:04 > 0:23:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:08 > 0:23:12"Ba tacka lacka, Kinder Surprise!" "All right, Mum, chill out!"
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"Oh, choc ice bastard, da, da da!" "All right."
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Unbelievable, right?
0:23:22 > 0:23:28I went to Sri Lanka to try and de-coconut myself, you know?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Get in touch with my heritage, and, er...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33We made a show about it, and, er...
0:23:33 > 0:23:37CHEERING
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Thank you very much.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And my mum was in that show,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43and I'll be honest with you,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I massively regret her involvement.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Let me explain why.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54To get to a point where you get a TV show, it's incredibly difficult, right?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You start off as a stand-up. You're not doing rooms like this.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00You're doing a pub with eight people, they're facing the other way. Right?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Then you keep working at it, keep working at it, and eventually you get to a point where
0:24:04 > 0:24:06you're doing it for a career and then eventually,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09after that, you get to a point where you get some TV. Now, it's difficult to get TV.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12The reason I got TV is very much
0:24:12 > 0:24:15thanks to diversity quotas. Right?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22You get two for one with me - I'm brown and I've got a lazy eye.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Right? So, basically, you get
0:24:24 > 0:24:27ethnicity and disability. Right?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30If they ever do a Bollywood Last Leg, right,
0:24:30 > 0:24:31you're looking at the host.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Anyway. I got to a point where I'd pitched this show
0:24:39 > 0:24:42and they liked the show and said, "We're going to make the show," and
0:24:42 > 0:24:44you go, "Brilliant, this is amazing! Incredible!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"The hard work's paid off. The luck has come in.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49"My dream has come true. I'm making this show, this is amazing."
0:24:49 > 0:24:51And then this fucking woman...
0:24:52 > 0:24:56..sweeps in with her little cameo. (AS HIS MUM): "Oh, you fat belly coconut bastard!"
0:24:56 > 0:24:59(IN OWN VOICE): And then all of a sudden, she's a star!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01She's a star!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I'm getting tweets - "Your mum's funnier than you!"
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"When's your mum on tour?" When's your mum on tour?!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Never done a gig in her life, right?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13She's getting separate offers, mate.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I got a phone call - BBC Asian Network.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16"Will your mum be an agony aunt?"
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I didn't even check with her, I said no. Fuck her!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22There is no WAY...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27..I'm letting her get a career off my back, man.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Are you shitting me?!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34God, it feels good to get that off my chest, man.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Anyway. I can tell you we are doing another series...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43CHEERING
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Thanks very much, thank you very much, I'm very excited about it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47It's, er...
0:25:47 > 0:25:51..it's six episodes and it all, I think I can say now,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53it all centres around my mum getting deported.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It's called Asian Deporteur, I'm very excited about it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05APPLAUSE
0:26:05 > 0:26:08It's just her on a boat going, "This ticket doesn't say 'return'. Oh, shit!"
0:26:09 > 0:26:12"See you later, Mum, should have put more in!"
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Ukip!
0:26:18 > 0:26:22It's funny, innit, the idea of a 60-year-old woman just being sent back to where she comes from?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24It's hilarious.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Hope she's all right. Um, OK.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Anyway! I...
0:26:31 > 0:26:36I, er, went to Sri Lanka to try and de-coconut myself, right?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40And I was annoyed before I even left this country.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Right? And I'll tell you why, the airport did my head in, right?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Because they were doing Ebola checks at the airport.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48And I'd been shitting myself about Ebola.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Was anyone here worried about Ebola?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55No. And it's very easy to not worry
0:26:55 > 0:26:57about something that doesn't affect
0:26:57 > 0:26:58anyone who looks like you.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I understand that, right?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01But I was nervous about it.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Started watching the news, trying to stay on top of it.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06You know what pisses me off about the news, right?
0:27:06 > 0:27:11They never recap what's been happening.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14So, the news will start and they'll start talking about a story
0:27:14 > 0:27:18that's been developing over the last few days, and I don't know...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20..what the hell's going on,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22and they just assume that you've been following it up to that point.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I'm just turning to my wife, going, "What is Krishnan talking about?
0:27:26 > 0:27:27"I don't understand."
0:27:27 > 0:27:29They don't recap the news.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32It's the most important show on TV,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and they don't recap it, yet every other moronic...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39..thick as pig shit TV show
0:27:39 > 0:27:41is recapped to within an inch of its life.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Right? Come Dine With Me...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47..the whole show's a fucking recap.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Right? Nothing happens in that show.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52You watch, it goes, "Derek's made a tiramisu! Join us after the break
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"and find out exactly what the guests thought about the tiramisu!"
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Then you watch the break, then after the break it goes, "Before the break, Derek made a tiramisu!"
0:28:00 > 0:28:01"His guests are eating it."
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I know, mate, I can literally see the guy eating the tiramisu.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05It's not the radio.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06I'm watching it, dude.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Why are you telling me?!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Why don't they do that on the news?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I know they don't want to make the news longer,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15just put it on the red button, then.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"Today, we're going to talk about Ebola in Africa." Red button, "What's Africa?"
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Do you know what I mean? Just to sort of...
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Do you know what the funniest thing about the Ebola checks was?
0:28:28 > 0:28:31The funniest thing, right?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Voluntary.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Voluntary!
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Voluntary checks at the airports in this country to find out if
0:28:37 > 0:28:39you've got Ebola.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Who the shit is going to volunteer
0:28:43 > 0:28:45to spend more time at an airport
0:28:45 > 0:28:48to find out if they might have Ebola?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Not me, mate. I've got a massive Toblerone to get stuck into.
0:28:51 > 0:28:52I haven't got time to find out...
0:28:54 > 0:28:56..if I've got a deadly virus!
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Difficult enough to fly out of this country as it is! I'm brown with a beard, mate.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03I was wearing a camouflage jacket cos I'm having a mid-life crisis.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I might as well have said, "Hello, there. Could I please have a rectal exam?"
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I was complaining about it to a friend of mine.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15I said, "Dude, I'm so done with this airport security, man.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"It's pissing me off."
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Do you know what he said to me?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22He said to me... (IN RP ACCENT): "..don't be so bloody selfish.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26"Do you know the reason we have those measures in place, Romesh?
0:29:27 > 0:29:31"It's because we don't want the terrorists to win.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34"So why don't you suck it up and deal with it...
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"..Romesh?"
0:29:36 > 0:29:39(IN OWN VOICE): Now, I understand that argument, but my counter-argument
0:29:39 > 0:29:41would be this...
0:29:41 > 0:29:44..how do we know that the terrorists haven't already won?
0:29:46 > 0:29:49How do we know what their initial goal was?
0:29:54 > 0:29:58What if their initial goal was just to make air travel fucking annoying?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Because if that was their initial goal,
0:30:07 > 0:30:10they've absolutely smashed it, mate. They've knocked it out the park.
0:30:10 > 0:30:11Somewhere there's a terrorist going,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14"And the infidels have to take their shoes off even on internal flights!
0:30:14 > 0:30:16"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:30:19 > 0:30:23It's very difficult to do a generic, inoffensive terrorist accent.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28And that is why I went for the Count from Sesame Street.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30I don't know if you noticed that.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Just because I thought it would be funny if he was a terrorist.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34(AS COUNT:) "How many seconds till detonation?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36"Ten, ah-ah-ah!
0:30:36 > 0:30:39"Nine, ah-ah-ah!" It's hilarious.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42For ten seconds, then you're dead, but it's hilarious.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45I do...
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I do find myself disagreeing with Isis.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Not their...
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Not their ideologies. The ideologies I'm kind of on the fence about.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58It's their techniques.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Their techniques is what I've got a problem, right?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04They've got no idea how to bring down the West, these guys.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06They keep threatening our lives.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09None of us give a shit about that. We're too comfortable.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11If I was advising Isis -
0:31:11 > 0:31:14and fingers crossed, I'm waiting on a call-back - but if I was...
0:31:14 > 0:31:15LAUGHTER
0:31:15 > 0:31:17..if I was advising Isis, I would say to them,
0:31:17 > 0:31:18"Listen, mate, you're getting it all wrong.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20"That's not how you bring down the West.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22"Stop threatening people's lives.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"You want to bring down the West, this is what you do -
0:31:24 > 0:31:27"make shit inconvenient".
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Right, that's how you bring down the West. Now, think about it -
0:31:30 > 0:31:33what are you more concerned about on a day-to-day basis?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36What affects your mental state more regularly?
0:31:36 > 0:31:39A train blowing up, or somebody stopping in front of you
0:31:39 > 0:31:42in the middle of a busy street for no fucking reason?
0:31:48 > 0:31:50What affects you more, yeah?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52What bothers you on a day-to-day?
0:31:53 > 0:31:55What messes with your mind more?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58A plane potentially blowing up on takeoff, or going into Sainsbury's
0:31:58 > 0:32:03and finding they've moved the shit to different aisles yet again?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Do you know what I've realised?
0:32:06 > 0:32:07I don't give a shit about losing my life.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Do you know what I give a shit about?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Losing Wi-Fi. That's what I care about.
0:32:12 > 0:32:13I'm a jihadi for unlimited data,
0:32:13 > 0:32:15that's what I've discovered about myself.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18If I found out that by sympathising with Isis, I could get rid of
0:32:18 > 0:32:22the buffering circle on Netflix, I'd join Isis tomorrow.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24I mean that. HE SHRIEKS
0:32:24 > 0:32:26I'm fucking in. You won't see me here,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28you'll see me doing a YouTube video from a cave,
0:32:28 > 0:32:30going, "Hello, I'm Romesh Ranganathan.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"I went into Sainsbury's, I couldn't find the bread,
0:32:33 > 0:32:34"it was the last straw.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38"So now I've joined Isis, the Wi-Fi is incredible.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40"Uploaded this video in no time at all,
0:32:40 > 0:32:43"nobody bumps into you in the street, down with the West".
0:32:46 > 0:32:49What I'm hoping is nobody just releases only that clip
0:32:49 > 0:32:52onto YouTube, because that has got...
0:32:52 > 0:32:54APPLAUSE
0:32:56 > 0:32:59That's got, "Career-ender" written all over it, hasn't it?
0:32:59 > 0:33:01The Daily Mail will have a field day with that.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03You'll just see me on the front like this.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10So, anyway, I went to Sri Lanka to try and de-coconut myself.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14This is the problem I've got, OK? This is the problem I've got.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16I'm British, and I'm out of that, but I'm also proud of my Sri Lankan
0:33:16 > 0:33:19heritage, but I cannot connect with it. And the reason I cannot
0:33:19 > 0:33:22connect with it is because I do not speak the language.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25But I look like I should be able to speak the language.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29This is an incredible Sri Lankan disguise.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31If you're...
0:33:31 > 0:33:33If you're white and you go to Sri Lanka, you've got no problems,
0:33:33 > 0:33:37because they just assume obviously you can speak it. For me,
0:33:37 > 0:33:40it looks like I can speak it, and they're extremely friendly people.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42As soon as we landed, they're talking to me.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45So I'm walking through the airport, bump into someone...
0:33:45 > 0:33:46IMITATES TAMIL
0:33:46 > 0:33:48And I have to say, "I'm so sorry, mate.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"I can barely understand Glaswegian.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"There's no banter to be had here, sorry".
0:33:58 > 0:34:00And then I can't even connect with my family.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03That's the sad thing, I can't even connect with my family,
0:34:03 > 0:34:05because they only speak a bit of English.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06I don't speak any Tamil.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08So I'll meet an uncle, and go, "Hello, Uncle." "Hello, Romesh.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"You good? "Yeah, I'm good. You good?" "Yes."
0:34:14 > 0:34:16One of my uncles give me an insight
0:34:16 > 0:34:19into Sri Lankan culture accidentally.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20He introduced me to his wife,
0:34:20 > 0:34:24brought over this sort of portly Sri Lankan woman.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28And then he goes, "Romesh, this is my wife".
0:34:28 > 0:34:30And I said, "Lovely to meet you".
0:34:30 > 0:34:32And then he goes...
0:34:32 > 0:34:33"Fat, no?"
0:34:38 > 0:34:39And then I looked at her,
0:34:39 > 0:34:41and she's going, "Ha-ha-ha, fat, fat, fat!"
0:34:41 > 0:34:44And then I realised, my mum's not the arsehole.
0:34:44 > 0:34:45They're all arseholes.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49No British hang-ups. "You're fat, you're ugly, who gives a shit?
0:34:49 > 0:34:52"We can still be mates." Do you know what I mean?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59This is the weird situation, the weird situation in my life,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02is that my mum and dad worried about my brother and I
0:35:02 > 0:35:04not been Sri Lankan enough.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09Also, conversely, worried about us not being English enough, right?
0:35:09 > 0:35:10And this is...
0:35:10 > 0:35:14My mum was so worried about me growing up in this country,
0:35:14 > 0:35:17my mum and dad both so worried about me growing up in this country,
0:35:17 > 0:35:19they gave me a secret weapon.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Don't worry, it's not something I'm now going to detonate.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24It's much... It's much more innocent than that.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26This is my secret weapon.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29My first name is not Romesh. Romesh is my middle name.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32My first name is Jonathan.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34MIMICS LAUGHTER
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Go fuck yourselves. But it is Jonathan, all right?
0:35:38 > 0:35:40That's what it says on my birth certificate.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Now, I didn't know that...
0:35:46 > 0:35:48..because when I was at home, as a little kid, my mum and dad
0:35:48 > 0:35:51called me Romesh. The first time I found out...
0:35:53 > 0:35:54..what my name was...
0:35:56 > 0:35:58..was my first day at school.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01You know, when the teachers have got the registers.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Can you imagine that? I'm just sat there like, "What?"
0:36:11 > 0:36:16Your first day at school is difficult enough as it is
0:36:16 > 0:36:19without finding out you've got a secret identity.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I came home, I said... I can't remember exactly what I said
0:36:23 > 0:36:25to my dad, something along the lines of, "What is my name?"
0:36:25 > 0:36:29And he said to me, "Well, we didn't want to have to discuss it with you
0:36:29 > 0:36:31"this early on, but I will explain it to you, Romesh.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35"In this country, there is discrimination, and sometimes
0:36:35 > 0:36:37"you don't get opportunities that you deserve
0:36:37 > 0:36:39"because of your ethnicity, so
0:36:39 > 0:36:43"we thought you could use this name when you're applying for things..."
0:36:45 > 0:36:48GENTLE LAUGHTER
0:36:48 > 0:36:49"..and hopefully dodge the issue."
0:36:54 > 0:36:56It's a very well-intentioned plan.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59I don't know how he thought that was going to play out.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00So, I put that on an application form.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03A guy looks at it, and goes, "Ah!
0:37:03 > 0:37:04"Jonathan Ranganathan.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09"Must be a white guy. Must be a white guy, let's get him in.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13"Finally, a good old traditional English name. This is great.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"I like the cut of his jib, this guy. Good English fella.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18"He's a frontrunner, I tell you.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20"It's between him and Christopher Patel".
0:37:22 > 0:37:24APPLAUSE
0:37:28 > 0:37:29And then...
0:37:30 > 0:37:33..what the shit happens at the interview?
0:37:33 > 0:37:38I mean, I've got to meet somebody, so I'd rock up there.
0:37:38 > 0:37:39"Hello there, who are you?"
0:37:39 > 0:37:41"I'm Jonathan." "You're Jonathan?"
0:37:42 > 0:37:45"What the fuck is going on here? Have you seen him?
0:37:45 > 0:37:49"Well, I thought he was the driver, but he's actually the applicant.
0:37:49 > 0:37:50"Does he look like a Jonathan to you?
0:37:50 > 0:37:53"He looks like he literally just stepped off a boat.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59"So it's actually you that's Jonathan, yeah?
0:37:59 > 0:38:02"I can't believe this. Can we just get that light on?
0:38:02 > 0:38:04"No, he is that dark. Jesus!
0:38:05 > 0:38:06"Well, I blame you for this.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09"Well, we had exactly the same problem with Christopher."
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Anyway, I've digressed massively. I'm in Starbucks...
0:38:16 > 0:38:18LAUGHTER
0:38:21 > 0:38:24You remember this? I'm in Starbucks, I'm drinking my coffee,
0:38:24 > 0:38:27I'm at my laptop, having a wonderful time, right? I'm at a shared table.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30This woman walks in, she orders her coffee, right?
0:38:30 > 0:38:34She comes to sit down, she's got to sit near me,
0:38:34 > 0:38:36because I'm at a shared table.
0:38:36 > 0:38:43As she goes to sit down, she knocks my coffee onto my laptop,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46breaking it instantly.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Then she turned to me, and she goes, "oh, my God.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51"I'm so sorry.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52"Can I get you another coffee?"
0:39:05 > 0:39:08"Yeah, that would be great. Thank you so much.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11"I will have a Macbookuccino."
0:39:14 > 0:39:18So this is how Starbucks showed me how British I am, right?
0:39:18 > 0:39:22The woman who spilt the coffee, I've gone to her, "oh, my God.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25"Well, the important thing is, are you OK?"
0:39:28 > 0:39:31"Please don't worry about getting me another coffee,
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"I'll just pour the coffee from the laptop back into my cup.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37"Yes, it is completely destroyed, but at least I've made a friend."
0:39:37 > 0:39:38HE LAUGHS
0:39:42 > 0:39:44I phoned my wife to tell her about it, right?
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I phoned my wife to tell her about it.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50And I love my wife very much, but what I discovered is,
0:39:50 > 0:39:54when something horrible happens to you, and you tell the person that
0:39:54 > 0:39:58you care about more than anyone else in the world about what happened...
0:40:00 > 0:40:02..every single thing they say is annoying.
0:40:02 > 0:40:08Like, every single word that woman said
0:40:08 > 0:40:11made me want to punch a wall until my knuckles bled.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12You know what she said to me?
0:40:12 > 0:40:13"Is it broken? "Is it broken?!
0:40:13 > 0:40:16"No, if anything, it's running faster!
0:40:16 > 0:40:18"It's got a nice little coffee smell.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20"Just thought I'd phone and let you know the good news.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22"Yeah, everything's coming up Romesh!"
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Oh, my God, she's a very funny woman.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33Not intentionally. I'll give you an example.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35I was due to do a gig in Barton-upon-Humber last year.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Two weeks before I'm due to do the gig, I get a phone call from
0:40:38 > 0:40:41my agent. She said, "Romesh, little bit of an awkward situation.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44"The venue have been contacted by the BNP, and they say that
0:40:44 > 0:40:47"they're fundamentally opposed to you performing in Barton.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50"And if you go ahead with the performance, they are going to stage
0:40:50 > 0:40:55"a protest the likes of which Barton has never seen".
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Now, I don't know what that means. Are they going to dress up?
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Is there going to be cake? I've got no idea.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03My agent said to me, "What do you want to do?"
0:41:03 > 0:41:06I said, "Well, the tour's not been selling that well.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08"This could be exactly the kind of PR...
0:41:10 > 0:41:13"..that could give it a kick. Is there any way you could organise,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16"contact some other racist organisations,
0:41:16 > 0:41:19"see if you can get them to unify and get this into the nationals?
0:41:19 > 0:41:21She said to me, "No, that's not what I meant.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24"What I meant was, do you want to pull the show?"
0:41:24 > 0:41:25I said, "No, absolutely not,"
0:41:25 > 0:41:27because I thought this could be my big break.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31If they do a big protest, suddenly I'm a race warrior,
0:41:31 > 0:41:35I'm a hero, I'm in all the papers. That's what I wanted, right?
0:41:35 > 0:41:39They had to put plainclothes police officers in the audience
0:41:39 > 0:41:41in case anything kicked off, right?
0:41:41 > 0:41:43So that's five tickets.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48I'm not going to give them freebies.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51It's not my fault you've got BNP activity, mate. Control it.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Anyway, we turn up there.
0:41:54 > 0:41:58We turn up there, pull into the car park, no protest.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01And in many ways, that is the ultimate protest, isn't it?
0:42:01 > 0:42:04"We hate you so much
0:42:04 > 0:42:08"that we cannot be arsed to turn up and tell you how much we hate you."
0:42:08 > 0:42:10I was still nervous, though, because I thought,
0:42:10 > 0:42:12"Shit, they said it was a protest the likes of which
0:42:12 > 0:42:14"Barton had never seen". It could happen at any point.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17I could be in the toilet, and they'd get me there.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19One of them comes out of the bowl.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20"Take that, you brown bastard!"
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Fist up the arsehole, something like that.
0:42:23 > 0:42:27I don't know, could be surprise attack, sneak attack, right?
0:42:27 > 0:42:30So I'm still nervous. We get into the venue,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32the staff in the venue are being very apologetic,
0:42:32 > 0:42:34sort of overcompensating, being very nice.
0:42:34 > 0:42:38Did me a curry, which I thought, "Bit of a pisstake, but..."
0:42:38 > 0:42:40It had raisins in it. Anyway, doesn't matter. So...
0:42:43 > 0:42:45I do the show, nothing happens.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47I finish the show, phone up my wife because she was worried.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50I said, "Nothing happened. She said, "You know what, Rom?
0:42:50 > 0:42:54"In many ways, you've sort of got to hope that it was racism".
0:42:58 > 0:43:00And I said to her...
0:43:00 > 0:43:02"What the shit are you talking about?"
0:43:02 > 0:43:05She said to me, "Well, imagine if it wasn't, that would be much worse".
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Imagine if the BNP contacted the venue and said,
0:43:07 > 0:43:09"Hello, this is the BNP.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11"We're fundamentally opposed to Romesh performing in Barton".
0:43:11 > 0:43:13And they said, "We don't tolerate racism".
0:43:13 > 0:43:16And they said, "No, it's not racism.
0:43:16 > 0:43:17"We just think he's dog shit".
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Imagine, as an ethnic minority act,
0:43:21 > 0:43:25if your ethnicity wasn't what the BNP found most offensive about you.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32She's a wonderful woman, my wife. I love her very much.
0:43:32 > 0:43:36She looks after our three children, she does a wonderful job.
0:43:36 > 0:43:41I made the mistake of suggesting that my day at work
0:43:41 > 0:43:45might have been 10% as challenging as her day.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49And she nearly punched my teeth out through my arsehole.
0:43:49 > 0:43:52So I realise that I shouldn't have done that.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55She does feel like she has got to justify what she does to me.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57"I've got to do this, then I've got to do that, I've got to do this."
0:43:57 > 0:44:00She doesn't have to justify what she does to me.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04I know how difficult it is to spend time with those children.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07I've done it four or five times.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11The last time, it was like a triple-prong attack on my sanity.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13It was like they'd planned it.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15It was unbelievable, as if one of them went, "Right, she's gone out.
0:44:15 > 0:44:17HE LAUGHS SINISTERLY
0:44:17 > 0:44:19"OK, this is what we're going to do.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21"You take a shit in that corner.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24"You take a piss in that corner.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26"This is the genius bit -
0:44:26 > 0:44:28"I'm just going to grab my dick for no reason.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36"Trust me - if we time it right, he will kill himself."
0:44:36 > 0:44:38You know what my wife does? She makes up deadlines.
0:44:38 > 0:44:42I've got no idea why she does this. She makes up deadlines.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44I'll say to her, "I'm off out now. What are you up to?"
0:44:44 > 0:44:47She'll go, "Well, got to clean the windows by 3:00".
0:44:49 > 0:44:50Why?
0:44:50 > 0:44:54Is there a window inspection at 3:05 that I didn't know about?
0:44:54 > 0:44:56I didn't even know we cleaned the fucking windows.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58You know my deadline for cleaning the windows?
0:44:58 > 0:45:00When I can't see out of them any more.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02If I come downstairs and go, "Where the shit is the garden?
0:45:02 > 0:45:04"Jesus! Oh, of course, we need to clean those".
0:45:06 > 0:45:08Oh, God. She's a wonderful woman.
0:45:08 > 0:45:12She deserves the very best, but I cannot be arsed to provide it.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15It's such a difficult conundrum. I want her to be happy,
0:45:15 > 0:45:18but I've got no inclination to do anything about it.
0:45:18 > 0:45:20What do you do?
0:45:20 > 0:45:23What do you do? It's a difficult one, isn't it?
0:45:23 > 0:45:26I do want her to be happy, but I don't want to do anything.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29The way I figure it, I don't have to be an excellent husband, I just have
0:45:29 > 0:45:32to be slightly less annoying than starting divorce proceedings.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34You know, that's how I figure it.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37Trying to figure out a solution. I think I've figured it out.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39I think I've figured out a way of me not doing anything
0:45:39 > 0:45:41but her being happy.
0:45:41 > 0:45:43I just figured, let her have a boyfriend.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46I do think that's the solution.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48I know how people worry about their marriage.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50"Oh, I don't know what's going on.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52"Bit tough. Don't know where she is tonight."
0:45:52 > 0:45:54I know where my wife is tonight.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56She's with Andy. I arranged it.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00So many advantages to having an Andy.
0:46:00 > 0:46:02Got an extra childcare option.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04You've got a mate.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07Don't have to worry about your sexual performance any more,
0:46:07 > 0:46:08cos Andy's smashing the shit out of it.
0:46:08 > 0:46:10Do you know what I mean? It's amazing!
0:46:13 > 0:46:15You know when you go out with your friends
0:46:15 > 0:46:17and complain about your other half? When you're with Andy,
0:46:17 > 0:46:20you're complaining about the same person. Play mind games with him.
0:46:20 > 0:46:24"Isn't it weird when she does her multiple orgasm face?
0:46:24 > 0:46:26"Oh, you haven't seen it?"
0:46:30 > 0:46:33I sometimes think the biggest advantage of having an Andy
0:46:33 > 0:46:36is I'd quite like to have a go on Andy myself.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38I am thinking about going gay.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40For a bit, do you know what I mean?
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Like a gap year.
0:46:44 > 0:46:47I'll tell you why - I've never tried it. It might be better.
0:46:47 > 0:46:49You're supposed to try everything, aren't you?
0:46:49 > 0:46:52So I'm thinking, this year, I'm going to try, like, pottery...
0:46:52 > 0:46:54..and being gay for a bit.
0:46:55 > 0:46:58I do think we are in a situation where being gay, we pretend,
0:46:58 > 0:47:01is normalised by society, but I don't think it is.
0:47:01 > 0:47:02I saw two guys kissing recently,
0:47:02 > 0:47:04and went, "Oh, there's two guys kissing".
0:47:04 > 0:47:07I shouldn't have even acknowledged it, but I did.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10I'm not homophobic, but then I realised, the reason I acknowledged
0:47:10 > 0:47:12it is because I just haven't seen it that much.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15Based on the TV and film I have watched, they don't normalise it.
0:47:15 > 0:47:18Every time there's a homosexual relationship, it's part of some kind
0:47:18 > 0:47:21of ground-breaking, award-winning BAFTA-nominated storyline.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23It's not normalised.
0:47:23 > 0:47:27Netflix has got a separate category for gay, lesbian and bisexual,
0:47:27 > 0:47:30so it's not normalised. I just haven't seen it that much
0:47:30 > 0:47:31on TV and film. Think about it.
0:47:31 > 0:47:34You know, two guys kissing. You just haven't seen that that much.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36Based on the TV and film I've watched,
0:47:36 > 0:47:40I've seen more people take a bullet to the head
0:47:40 > 0:47:42than I have seen dudes kissing.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44Based on the TV and film I've watched,
0:47:44 > 0:47:48I've seen more talking animals than I have seen dudes kissing.
0:47:49 > 0:47:53I am currently conditioned to be more surprised by two guys kissing
0:47:53 > 0:47:55than I am by a bear going, "All right, Rom?"
0:47:55 > 0:47:57Do you know what I mean? That's insane.
0:47:58 > 0:48:02I do also think that heterosexual dudes are incredibly arrogant.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04You know, I do think we are very arrogant.
0:48:04 > 0:48:08I'll give you an example of how arrogant I think we are -
0:48:08 > 0:48:11we are turned on by lesbian pornography.
0:48:12 > 0:48:14I mean, it doesn't get much more arrogant than that, does it?
0:48:14 > 0:48:19That is a situation where a penis could not be less welcome.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25And a heterosexual man will watch that scene, see two women
0:48:25 > 0:48:29just having a cracking time, and his primary thought is,
0:48:29 > 0:48:31"Imagine what would happen if I rocked up".
0:48:38 > 0:48:40I think sex would be better with a dude, I think I'd be better
0:48:40 > 0:48:44at sex with a dude. There you go, I said it. I'll tell you why - I
0:48:44 > 0:48:48just think a man's got to be better at handling a penis than a woman.
0:48:48 > 0:48:52You know? Based purely on the number of practice hours that he's had.
0:48:53 > 0:48:56It takes, what, 10,000 hours to master something.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59There's 8,760 hours in a year.
0:48:59 > 0:49:02I reckon I mastered my dick in a year and a half, right?
0:49:02 > 0:49:05I'm a dick ninja, mate. The pleasure I could give a man!
0:49:05 > 0:49:09Backhand, forehand, volley, whatever you want, mate.
0:49:09 > 0:49:12I was going to step up and show my potential, my true potential.
0:49:12 > 0:49:15I feel sorry for women, cos the first time they're dealing with a
0:49:15 > 0:49:18penis, it's not a training session, they're in the fucking game.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21Just like, "Oh, shit, what do I do with this?"
0:49:21 > 0:49:23Shifting it around, trying to find third.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26I just think a dude would be much more comfortable.
0:49:26 > 0:49:28There's nothing he hasn't seen, mate, dick-related.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31He'd just step up like a bloody cocktail bartender.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34"Don't worry, sir, we'll have you off in no time at all."
0:49:39 > 0:49:42What I'm trying to say is, "I think I'm gay," all right?
0:49:42 > 0:49:44I think I'm gay, I just need to find the dude that's into the
0:49:44 > 0:49:47Asian Rolf Harris look, and then we are in smash town.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50APPLAUSE
0:49:53 > 0:49:56Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo, you've been absolutely amazing.
0:49:56 > 0:49:57Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:50:14 > 0:50:16Hello.
0:50:16 > 0:50:18I don't do a proper encore, I just come back out.
0:50:20 > 0:50:24I do try and spend quality time with my wife, right?
0:50:24 > 0:50:26And I think, based on what I've said before I went off there,
0:50:26 > 0:50:27I probably need to.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36My wife and I, we watch TV together.
0:50:36 > 0:50:38That's what happens, isn't it? When you start off a relationship,
0:50:38 > 0:50:42your quality time means you're going out and doing all sorts of stuff,
0:50:42 > 0:50:46but I'm at the point where you just sort of exist in the same room.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48Do you know what I mean? Like, "Paul, how's the marriage going?"
0:50:48 > 0:50:52"It's going great. You know, last night, we had a bit of quality time.
0:50:52 > 0:50:53"We both sort of sat in the same room
0:50:53 > 0:50:56"and looked in the same direction for about four hours.
0:50:57 > 0:51:00"It was wonderful, man. We didn't really talk to each other,
0:51:00 > 0:51:03"but it was just magical to be in the same space, you know.
0:51:03 > 0:51:06"And really sort of just enjoy each other's air.
0:51:06 > 0:51:09"You know, we're sort of sitting there, both looking straight ahead,
0:51:09 > 0:51:12"never communicating. It was just, you know, so nice.
0:51:13 > 0:51:14"Neither of us left the room at all.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17"I mean, I went up to go to the toilet.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19"I needed a piss, I pretended I needed a shit
0:51:19 > 0:51:21"just to have a longer break, to be honest with you.
0:51:21 > 0:51:24"Sat in the toilet thinking what could have been,
0:51:24 > 0:51:27"I could have ended up with someone I really loved.
0:51:27 > 0:51:28"But that's not to be.
0:51:28 > 0:51:32"I sort of compromised on my dreams because I don't want to die alone,
0:51:32 > 0:51:34"and then you sort of think, 'OK, let's get back to the living room
0:51:34 > 0:51:37"'and carry on the merry dance towards oblivion'.
0:51:39 > 0:51:41"Thanks very much for asking".
0:51:45 > 0:51:47Anyway, we watch TV. My wife likes Gogglebox.
0:51:47 > 0:51:50Any fans of Gogglebox in? CHEERING
0:51:50 > 0:51:51Sweet, you should be executed.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55I cannot believe this programme exists.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58It's the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01As I'm watching it, I'm feeling my intellect dissolve like a Berocca.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08I cannot believe this programme exists.
0:52:08 > 0:52:10The first time I saw the advert for it, I opened the curtains
0:52:10 > 0:52:13to see if I could see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
0:52:13 > 0:52:17Do you know what I mean? We're watching people watch TV!
0:52:17 > 0:52:19Are you shitting me?
0:52:19 > 0:52:22Are you shitting on my face? We're watching people watch television?
0:52:22 > 0:52:24And it's a thing. Wow!
0:52:25 > 0:52:29No wonder Isis want to get us, man. On that alone, I'm with them, yeah.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31Do it, mate. We watch Gogglebox. Take us out.
0:52:34 > 0:52:37Imagine if you're making a programme that was difficult to make,
0:52:37 > 0:52:40a TV show that was difficult to make, and it's being beaten
0:52:40 > 0:52:43by Gogglebox in the ratings, how you would feel.
0:52:43 > 0:52:46Imagine you pour your heart and soul into some drama,
0:52:46 > 0:52:48you spent years working on the script.
0:52:48 > 0:52:52You work on it, you polish it, you put it out there, then you go,
0:52:52 > 0:52:54"Right, let's see how it's getting on.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56"How's the drama doing in the ratings?"
0:52:56 > 0:52:57"Well, it's doing all right."
0:52:57 > 0:53:00"Why, what's it being beaten by?" "Well, it's being beaten by
0:53:00 > 0:53:02"some people that are sitting watching the drama".
0:53:07 > 0:53:10"Well, I think I'm going to go and punch myself in the face repeatedly,
0:53:10 > 0:53:12"because that's basically what this process has been."
0:53:14 > 0:53:17The biggest problem I've got about it is that it changes
0:53:17 > 0:53:22my wife's expectations of how we should watch television.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Because of the way Gogglebox are. They're having a laugh,
0:53:25 > 0:53:28and suddenly my wife thinks that's how we should be.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32I know how we watch TV - just in your pants like Jabba the Hutt.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34Just... IMITATES JABBA
0:53:34 > 0:53:37Every so often, the screen goes dark, you catch your own reflection.
0:53:37 > 0:53:38You're like, "Oh, fucking hell!"
0:53:41 > 0:53:44IMITATES JABBA
0:53:44 > 0:53:46That's how you watch TV, right?
0:53:46 > 0:53:48But we're watching Gogglebox, and they're like,
0:53:48 > 0:53:49"Banter, banter, banter, banter".
0:53:49 > 0:53:52And my wife turns to me, and says, "Why is it not like this?
0:53:52 > 0:53:55"Why is it not like this?"
0:53:55 > 0:53:57I'll tell you why it's not like this - because we switched on the TV
0:53:57 > 0:53:59so we don't have to talk to each other.
0:53:59 > 0:54:01I mean, that is the whole point of television.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03I think that is why it was invented, to be honest. I've got my phone
0:54:03 > 0:54:07here, you're third in line in terms of my level of attention.
0:54:11 > 0:54:13It's not my wife's fault that she's third in line,
0:54:13 > 0:54:15it's just she's not as interesting as a phone.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17And I'm not saying that as a slur on her, and neither are you.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20None of you are as interesting... And neither am I.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22Some of you have been looking at your phones while I've been on.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24I don't blame you, they're very addictive.
0:54:24 > 0:54:26The rest of you have just been going,
0:54:26 > 0:54:28(IMITATES GOLLUM:) "Can't wait to check my messages.
0:54:30 > 0:54:33"My precious!" I understand that.
0:54:34 > 0:54:37Cos phones are incredible. They're amazing.
0:54:37 > 0:54:39They're the most important things to us.
0:54:39 > 0:54:40Who's an iPhone user in here?
0:54:40 > 0:54:41CHEERING
0:54:41 > 0:54:43Who's an Android phone user in here?
0:54:43 > 0:54:44CHEERING
0:54:44 > 0:54:46Aren't Android phone users pricks?
0:54:46 > 0:54:48I hate them, I hate them, man.
0:54:48 > 0:54:50I hate them.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53They think they're part of some sort of alternative lifestyle,
0:54:53 > 0:54:55these guys. They're so smug.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58They think they are part of some sort of underground movement,
0:54:58 > 0:55:00these pricks. You say to them, "You got an iPhone?"
0:55:00 > 0:55:02CHUCKLES "No!
0:55:02 > 0:55:04"I think I'll make up my own mind about what phone I buy,
0:55:04 > 0:55:07"thank you very much. I'm not a sheep."
0:55:07 > 0:55:08You're not off the grid.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12You haven't unplugged from the matrix
0:55:12 > 0:55:15because you've bought a fucking Samsung.
0:55:15 > 0:55:17All right? It's a massive company.
0:55:17 > 0:55:19It's not a little family-owned business,
0:55:19 > 0:55:23two brothers, Sam and Sung, set up a little market stall...
0:55:23 > 0:55:25APPLAUSE
0:55:27 > 0:55:29..In their front garden to knock out phones.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31It's a massive company. You're not better than me.
0:55:31 > 0:55:35My wife gets annoyed because she sees it as a personal insult that
0:55:35 > 0:55:38I prefer looking at the phone to sometimes looking at her.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40We've actually got proper quality time arranged,
0:55:40 > 0:55:42do you know what I mean? Like, Andy's got the kids.
0:55:42 > 0:55:43And we have...
0:55:47 > 0:55:50We're sat at a table, having a meal.
0:55:50 > 0:55:51Two tables down, there's a couple.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53They're both looking at their phones.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55My wife starts getting super-judgemental,
0:55:55 > 0:55:57just looking across, like, "Oh, my God.
0:55:57 > 0:55:58"Ha!
0:55:58 > 0:56:00"Look at these two, look at these two.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02"Look at these two!
0:56:03 > 0:56:05"Come out, just looking at their phones."
0:56:05 > 0:56:06HE CHUCKLES
0:56:06 > 0:56:08"What is the point?
0:56:08 > 0:56:11"What is the point of coming out if you're just going to
0:56:11 > 0:56:12"look at your phones?
0:56:12 > 0:56:14"They've not looked at each other, not looked at the menus.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17"I don't know. Isn't that a shame? Isn't that a shame?
0:56:18 > 0:56:20"It's such... Isn't that a shame.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22"I just... HE TUTS
0:56:22 > 0:56:24"Honestly. Ha!
0:56:25 > 0:56:29"Honestly, ten minutes I've been watching these two, and...
0:56:29 > 0:56:32"They're just looking at their phones. What a waste of time!
0:56:32 > 0:56:33"What's the point of coming out?
0:56:33 > 0:56:35"Have you seen this...? Romesh.
0:56:35 > 0:56:38"Romesh, put the phone down. Romesh!
0:56:38 > 0:56:42"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh.
0:56:42 > 0:56:46"Put the phone... Romesh, Romesh, Romesh.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh,
0:56:48 > 0:56:52"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh. Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh,
0:56:52 > 0:56:55"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh...
0:56:55 > 0:56:57"Jonathan!"
0:56:58 > 0:57:01LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:57:05 > 0:57:08"Have you seen these two looking at their phones?
0:57:08 > 0:57:10"They're just looking at their phones the whole time.
0:57:10 > 0:57:12"Isn't it a shame?" "No, it isn't.
0:57:12 > 0:57:13"They're having a much better time than us.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16"They're streamlining their entertainment,
0:57:16 > 0:57:18"you're shouting my name like a nut-job."
0:57:20 > 0:57:24I think the thing that I find the most annoying about Android
0:57:24 > 0:57:28phone users is the fact they love - they LOVE -
0:57:28 > 0:57:31talking about the battery life on the iPhone.
0:57:31 > 0:57:33It's like a hobby for these guys.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35"I imagine you're looking for a plug point."
0:57:35 > 0:57:37IMITATES LAUGHTER
0:57:37 > 0:57:38Shut up, you twat.
0:57:41 > 0:57:44"Day and a half, still on 37%."
0:57:44 > 0:57:47That's because nobody fucking calls you, that's why.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52APPLAUSE
0:57:52 > 0:57:54Let me tell you something.
0:57:54 > 0:57:57The shit battery life on the iPhone is the best thing about it.
0:57:57 > 0:57:58Because I've got no willpower.
0:57:58 > 0:58:01When that runs out, then I'll interact with my kids.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04I'll be sat down the park with my kids, and I'll be like,
0:58:04 > 0:58:06"Oh, shit, that's run out.
0:58:06 > 0:58:08"Oh, fuck".
0:58:11 > 0:58:13"Oh, shit".
0:58:13 > 0:58:15HE SIGHS
0:58:16 > 0:58:19"Suppose I'd better see where they're going with those old men".
0:58:19 > 0:58:23APPLAUSE
0:58:26 > 0:58:27Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo,
0:58:27 > 0:58:29thank you so much for coming out tonight.
0:58:29 > 0:58:32APPLAUSE
0:58:32 > 0:58:34I really appreciate it. Thank you so much!
0:58:38 > 0:58:40I'll see you next time.
0:58:40 > 0:58:42My mum's over there somewhere. Hello, Mum.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44CHEERING
0:58:44 > 0:58:45That's my mum.
0:58:49 > 0:58:51Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out.
0:58:51 > 0:58:52I'll see you next time.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Goodnight!