0:00:02 > 0:00:04# It's over in a minute when you're travelling through time
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# It's over in a minute, hey, my name is Tim Vine
0:00:07 > 0:00:08# It's over in a minute
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# But there is a small chance that it might feel a bit longer. #
0:00:15 > 0:00:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:17 > 0:00:19WHISTLING
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Oh, Merry Christmas, everyone!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Merry Christmas, everyone, welcome to Tim Vine Travels Through Time.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Do you like my Christmas jumper? CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Yes, it's a picture of a gift with a tick on it,
0:00:35 > 0:00:36all present and correct.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38LAUGHTER
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Yes, this is Tim's Antiques, full to the brim with precious objects.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Oh, I love Christmas. Do you know, the other day I sent my girlfriend
0:00:46 > 0:00:49a huge pile of snow, then I rang her up and I said, "D'you get my drift?"
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And do you like the decorations? Aren't they beautiful?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Look at this lovely little robin here, look at that, isn't he lovely?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Do you know, the robin has just been voted the official Christmas
0:01:00 > 0:01:03bird. Yeah. Although I find by the time you get to Boxing Day,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05there's never enough for sandwiches.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10So many wonderful objects. Look, a Newton's Cradle.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Oh, he had a strange childhood, didn't he?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And over here on the wall, an extremely rare painting.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Yes, that is a very early Constable.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Now, as you know, this shop has been open for ages
0:01:27 > 0:01:30and we're yet to have the grand opening. I'm still hoping for
0:01:30 > 0:01:34a big celebrity to cut the ribbon. Oh, but my goodness me, I dunno,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37it's unlikely we'll see anyone today what with it being the Christmas season.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41SHOP BELL RINGS Ding dong merrily on high, it's a customer!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43It's the wonderful Emma Bunton!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Merry Christmas, Emma. - Merry Christmas, Tim.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Such a thrill to have you here.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Thank you so much. May I say, your shop looks very festive.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- Yes, you may. - Your shop looks very festive.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Thank you. - Very colourful and bright.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Yeah, so you like Christmas bunting?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I do, but you can call me Emma.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Now then, did you have any family traditions at Christmas?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Oh, I did - just before lunch,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19me and my brother used to wrap ourselves in coloured paper,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22then we'd tie ourselves in a bow and then we'd lie next to the cutlery.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, your parents must've thought you were crackers.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29This...this would make a beautiful Christmas present, wouldn't it?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Well, it would, but sadly it's got a little crack in the top of it
0:02:33 > 0:02:35and you'd be surprised how often it happens.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Oh, there's too many broken harps in the world.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Is that Jason Donovan? - No, it's definitely a harp.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45So tell me, Emma, what brings you to my little shop of dreams?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Well, actually I was hoping that you could help me with this.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Oh, let me have a look at that.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Ah.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00A small lion, and if I'm not mistaken, it's made of silver.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm surprised I haven't got one of these already.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04You know what they say - every clown has a silver lion.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Well, I got it for Christmas last year but I did wonder,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- I mean, king of the jungle, it's not very Christmassy.- Oh, I dunno...
0:03:11 > 0:03:15# Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way... #
0:03:15 > 0:03:18You have a beautiful speaking voice.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Thanks. So, um, what's wrong with it?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Oh, it's broken at the bottom.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Do you think you could fix it for me?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Well, if I said it'd be easy, I'd be lion.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I tell you what, I will fix this for you
0:03:31 > 0:03:34if you cut the ribbon at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- It's a deal.- Great, come back after a little pause.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Little paws! I'm better than that.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Thanks, Tim, Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, bye, Emma.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47CHEERING
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Emma Bunton!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Oh, there was a question I forgot to ask her...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Is Geri Halli-well?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Never mind, I've finally secured a celebrity for the grand opening
0:04:00 > 0:04:01and all I have to do is fix this lion
0:04:01 > 0:04:03and there's only one way to do that.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Look at this, viewers -
0:04:05 > 0:04:08my grandfather's magic time travelling clock, a portal
0:04:08 > 0:04:10to the past.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12No, it's not where I get my jokes from.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15In order to find a brand-new lion like this one,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18we have to go back to the Tudor times.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Yes, obviously.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I will set the clock hands to 3.22,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28which represents the year 1522
0:04:28 > 0:04:32because this is a 24-hour grandfather clock.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Let's do this!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39The bongs! The bongs!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Carry me off to the days of flowery frocks and ruffled collars,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45where tapas grew on trees. Yes, tapestries!
0:04:46 > 0:04:491522, here I come!
0:04:53 > 0:04:54But, Your Majesty...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Maybe they have not replied to the invitations
0:05:01 > 0:05:03because they don't want to come.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07If nobody comes to the King's Christmas party, heads will...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09How you say?
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Roll! I have a reputation to uphold. I am Catherine of Aragon.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19From e-Spain.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25The party guests are your responsibility, Anne, nobody else's.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41I don't know what's happened to the invites, I feel like an idiot.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Here I am.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, what a knight I've been through!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Blimey, look at this, I'm dressed as a comedian.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54What do you mean, "makes a change"?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55JINGLING
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Is there a cat in here with a bell on its collar?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, my word, it's Anne Boleyn.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Don't ask me how I know that, just go along with it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06And doesn't she look like the wonderful Emma Bunton?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- What are you doing here? - Comedy, hopefully.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Are you the new jester?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Well, if I'm the new cook, they've given me the wrong costume.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Yes, I think I'm the new jester.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18What's a snowman's least favourite superhero?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Thor!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Do you know any jokes?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's going to be a long episode.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29I'm Anne Boleyn.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Ah, yes, I know your brother, Tenpin - Tenpin Boleyn.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Please forgive me, I have a dilemma.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38It's Queen Catherine. She's angry again.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Isn't it pronounced "Aragon"?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Perhaps I can help.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46The thing is, the party invitations have gone missing.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- I have one here.- Oh, let me look, I love a party.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Who's the host? Oh, it's Henry Veeeee.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- That says Henry VIII. - I knew that.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- The problem is, no-one's RSVP'd. - And has anybody replied?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Not a sausage. - Never mind the catering.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08If nobody comes to the Christmas party,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Queen Catherine will have me put on a rack.- A spice rack!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Please can you help me, just for a few hours?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19A few hours! Don't panic, viewers, we'll cut it down to 30 minutes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22OK, listen, you give me a list of all the names and addresses
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- and I'll solve it. - Oh, will you?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Oh, you're so wonderful, they should write a song about you.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29# Jester walking in the rain... #
0:07:31 > 0:07:34You have such a beautiful...speaking voice.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39You're not the first person to tell me that. Well, in a way, you are.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Now before you go, you haven't seen one of these anywhere, have you?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Oh, I have seen something like that somewhere,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50but right now I must go and find those addresses.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51But, er...
0:07:53 > 0:07:57With that silver lion, you seem quite besotted.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I see more things than the others have spotted.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02It's Jane Seymour.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Another of Henry's future wives.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I know a poem, too...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Divorced, beheaded... I won't tell you that one.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Does everything you say rhyme?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21They say that it does and they seem very certain, but...
0:08:21 > 0:08:22..no.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26That looks like a Christmas decoration.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Today's the day they decorate the King's Christmas tree.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32The Christmas tree, of course. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35If you've just joined us, this is a Christmas show.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36JINGLING
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I can still hear that cat.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42CAT YELPS
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Small bundle of pencils - this must be the drawing room.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53And get it right,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57make sure you remove the dust from the baubles before you hang them.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00They're forever blowing baubles.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Jester, instead of gawping, make yourself useful,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- help with the decorations. - Who are you?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07My name is Belvedere, I'm the head courtier.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Of course you are. - No, courtier.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I really like your jacket.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Doublet.- I really, really like your jacket.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I'm not going to tell you again, Jester, help with the decorations.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25OK, now, there must be a silver lion in here somewhere, surely.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Oh, look at that, a snowman with a palm tree on his head
0:09:28 > 0:09:29surrounded by the sea...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Snowman is an island.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Look at these 16th-century Christmas lights.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38That's the thing about Christmas lights,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41they're always in a tangle, aren't they?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Observational comedy, not one of my strengths.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Blimey! What a dramatic entrance. Who's this?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Make sure you get those Christmas party posters printed, Gordon.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Yes, I will, Cardinal Wolsey.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Cardinal Wolsey in a Christmas jumper addresses a man called
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Gordon who's holding a turkey.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Say what you like about this show - it's historically accurate.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Jester!- Priest! Are we playing guess the job?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Jester...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Priest...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Silence!
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Your cardigan, Wolsey?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21No, I'm Cardinal Wolsey!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I know you are, I was referring to your jumper.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27For your information, Jester, I don't like laughing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Sit with them.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:34However, the King does,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37and he's going out for a ride on his horse forthwith.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Funny name for a horse.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And he wants the new jester to ride with him.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43What happened to the last jester?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45He was executed because he couldn't make the King laugh.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Oh, how annoying, I've, I've just remembered that I've gotta
0:10:48 > 0:10:49hoover the breadcrumbs off my pillow.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I've got a four-toaster bed.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56You can do that after the horse riding.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57What a brilliant idea.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06CHIMING
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Look at this, I'm playing Greensleeves.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19That's not the tune.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Well, it's not actually the tune,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25but the joke is that I'm literally playing green sleeves.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- SPANISH ACCENT:- Remind me again, Belvedere, who is this man?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33He says he's the court jester.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Senor Yester, don't you know any yokes about a-Spain?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40No way, Jose.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Ah, that's a shame.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I tell you what, you name any subject and I'll do a joke about it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Oh, I've got so many subjects - there's Norman the gardener
0:11:51 > 0:11:53and Eric the stable boy.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54I mean a topic.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Oh, very well, give me a joke about the king's chair.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01The king's chair? That's throne me.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Throne me...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Yester, tell the King a yoke about a-horses.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08That's two jokes on the trot.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13If my horse likes it, he'll get a stallion ovation.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Stallion...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Can I choose what time of day I'm executed?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Give me another subject.- Cutlery.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's the fork that counts.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Curtains. - That's a bit of a drawback.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Low branch.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30This low branch goes into a tavern...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32No, he means low branch.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36LOUD LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:51Oh, I have to say, I haven't laughed like that for many a year.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54That branch in the face jape, it was genius.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Henry, this a-making me think... - Yes?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59The Christmas party, I will do my flamenco dance routine,
0:12:59 > 0:13:04the chef make a paella, but we still need to book a comedian.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09We need a refined and talented artiste.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Hello?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12I've got it!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Robert A Beckett, he's a regular on Mock Tudor The Week.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18A combination of Mock Tudor and Mock The Week.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21He's welcome to that joke - I was never keen on it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- He's not available. - I've got a wild idea...
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Is that it on the wall over there?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Mr Tim, I shall put you in charge of the party entertainment,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35you can make all our guests laugh their heads off.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Oh, that's one way of doing it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Your Majesty, it would be an honour to make your guests laugh.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It'd be an honour to make anyone laugh, right now.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Splendido.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Henry, aqui, let us go and see
0:13:47 > 0:13:50how the Christmas decorations are coming along.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Oh, my neck is so, so stiff.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Let me take that off for you.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Oh, oh, that's much better.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It's perfect - how did you do that?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Trust me, dear jester and cut me some slack,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08it had four little poppers in a line down the back.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Thank you, Jane Seymour.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Oh, look at this, how Christmassy.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16So I saw these two snowflakes having an argument.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I said, "All right, settle."
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Very localised weather they have here.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Jester Tim, Jester Tim, said with urgency.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34We need to put the directions in a different font.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And while you're at it, buy a bigger snow machine.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Anne, I'm very glad to see you, any sign of a lion?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Without it Emma Bunton won't cut the ribbon at the grand
0:14:42 > 0:14:43opening of Tim's Antiques.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Motivation, jeopardy, sub-plots - it's all there.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh, I haven't had time to look for the lion, but as promised
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I brought the list of people who've been invited to the Christmas party.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Leave this to me.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01I will find out why nobody has replied to the party invites.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Gordon, that jester is trouble.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Oh, don't worry, my turkey can sniff out trifle.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Not trifle, I said trouble. Take off those ear muffs!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17But they were keeping my ears warm.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I know what they were doing.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Now get rid of him.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Oh, I've had him for seven years.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Not the turkey, get rid of the jester.- Oh.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Well, there's some interesting names on this list - Ebenezer Brown,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42he's a gardener... Knees are brown.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Madam Friendly Lamp, she's a socialite...
0:15:45 > 0:15:46A social light.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I don't want to worry you, there's 100 names on this list.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Even a lion tamer on here called Claude M'Trousers.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Are you ready, Stephen?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Attack the fool.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08No! Stephen, no, not me.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I'm just wandering in casually because the director said,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"Scene seven, amble in."
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh, I see, Anne Boleyn.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Ah, Jester Tim. What news?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Er...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30WHISPERS: Can we speak alone?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I can hear you.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I wasn't talking to you.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Oh, I have no secrets from Belvedere.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39None whatsoever, I know...everything.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Have you got to the bottom of the invites?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Yes, I have and it's very simple -
0:16:50 > 0:16:54none of the guests have even received an invitation.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It's my theory they got lost in the post, or whatever
0:16:56 > 0:17:00the equivalent is in 1522 - don't get smart with me.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02That doesn't make any sense.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Indeed, Wolsey is usually so good at delivering the invites.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09You got Wolsey to deliver them? I thought you were delivering them?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I knew it, this is all the work of Wolsey!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Why didn't I spot it sooner?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19All the signs were there - the creepy demeanour, the evil music,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22the inept henchman with a badly trained turkey called Stephen.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27We're going to find those invitations. Come on, you two, follow me!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- BOTH:- It's this way. - I'll follow you.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Where's Belvedere?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45He's keeping watch outside.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48OK, hold the candles up so we can shed some light on the wall.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Ah, as I thought, this must be the vestry.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59What's that?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00That's Wolsey's onesie.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03It's slightly wonky - he got it when he was working in Wales.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Wolsey's wonky onesie from Swansea?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08No, but you're close - it was Cardiff.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I'm not sure we should be snooping around without Wolsey's permission.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Permission impossible.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14MUSIC: Mission: Impossible by Lalo Schifrin
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Not now!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Can I ask you a question?- Yes.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Why are we crouching?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- No reason, actually.- Oh.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Right, you look for clues underneath those jam
0:18:26 > 0:18:27and cream tea-time treats.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Leave no scone unturned.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Hello, Jester.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Oh! Jane Seymour, you made me jump.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Something's afoot.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40It's that thing at the end of your leg.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You might want to investigate this nativity area.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Just saying.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Joseph and Mary look happy,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I suppose that's the advantage of being in a stable relationship.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, you know what his favourite football team is, don't you?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Shepherd Wednesday.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Let's check out this crib. Bingo!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- What is it? - It's a ball with a number on it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04But underneath that...
0:19:06 > 0:19:10..a bundle of invites to the King's Christmas party,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13hidden away in a manger.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I recognise that chord...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's Caravan Wolsey.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21My name's Cardinal Wolsey.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Hello, Gordon. That's a big candle - where did you get it?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Oh, I bought it from a small shop in Hampton Court.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You know where the bridge is?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- Well, if you're approaching from the north end...- Shut up, Gordon!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So, we meet again.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38We've met again is slightly better English.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Gordon, where is your turkey?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Oh, he's acting out of character.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Mm, aren't we all?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47He started eating the Queen's bedtime shoes.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Tudor slippers?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51How do you explain these invites, Wolsey?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52You're obviously not going to send them.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I am going to send them
0:19:54 > 0:19:58but only after I've changed the party address to the cathedral.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01All the guests will come to my Christmas party and not the King's.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Give me the invites, Jester.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Hand over the invites, Anne.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Here, Gordon, have a scone.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, oh!
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Hey!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You'll never get away with this, Jester.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I've been getting away with it for years.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Yes, and we are going to make sure those invites
0:20:30 > 0:20:33go to the right people.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Look out, Wolsey and Gordon are on their way.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Oh, they're here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40We were here but now we're leaving.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- With these.- He's taken the invites. - Gordon!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Oh, oh.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Curses. Excuse my language.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57All is not yet lost. Anne, Belvedere, I have a plan.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Scene change!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04What is the time?
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Well, according to my wrist sundial, it's 35 seconds to eight o'clock.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10But if I turn that way, it's half past three.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Well, it seems obvious that nobody is coming to the
0:21:14 > 0:21:16King's Christmas party.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Anne Boleyn, you have let down your monarch.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Don't speak too soon. - What do you mean?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I just mean leave the odd pause, it builds the drama.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Jester Tim, where are the guests?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Your guest is as good as mine.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Oh, hello.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I thought the party started at 8.00 - where is everybody?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- What a shame.- What have you done with the invitations, Wolsey?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45TRUMPETS BLAST
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It's the King.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Greetings, honoured guests and distinguished friends,
0:21:51 > 0:21:52welcome to my Christmas...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Where is everyone? - I can answer that.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Anne Boleyn and the jester deliberately did not send out
0:21:59 > 0:22:01your party invites.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03That is not true.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Jester, you've got some explaining to do.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Your Majesty, Cardiac Wolsey... - Cardinal!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Sorry. Cannonball Wolsey is a bad man - he's even got his own
0:22:14 > 0:22:17incriminating evil chord that plays every time he appears.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I didn't hear an evil chord when he appeared.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Neither did I.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:22:23 > 0:22:26How could you not hear that? It was deafening.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Look, Wolsey, go back out and come back in again.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Right, now, listen to this. Right, come on...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37OK, annoyingly, on that occasion, there wasn't one,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40but every other time. Check it on the iPlayer.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Look, it's plain to see that this man is making it
0:22:45 > 0:22:47all up as he goes along.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Took me ages to learn this.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Jester Tim,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54it is with great regret that I must order your immediate ex...
0:22:54 > 0:22:55- Wait!- Belvedere.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Whatever the jester says is true. - Many a true word spoken in jest.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Cardinal Wolsey stole the invites for his own Christmas party.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Nonsense. I haven't got time for all this. I'm leaving.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19If he ever gets his own calendar, that's April.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25Oh, Wolsey, you are wearing your party onesie.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I wanted to make an effort for the King.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Nonsense, how do you explain this poster?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32GASPS
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Are you deceiving me, Wolsey?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38This poster seems to prove your guilt.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Although, I must say, it is rather well designed.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Oh, er, thank you, Your Majesty. Oh, no.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Gordon, the invites.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48ALL: The invites!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50My party invitations?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I'm sorry for the delay, I'll deliver them right now.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54- Wait a moment.- Argh!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Look at this.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58A silver lion statue.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Not a lion statue, it's Wolsey's seal stamp.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07He's sealed his own invitations. Look, the wax matches exactly.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- Arrest that man! - Immediately.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Does this mean I'm no longer a cardinal?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Is the Pope Catholic?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Yes, I am.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19APPLAUSE
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Thank you for inviting us all to your Christmas party, Your Majesty.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- I don't understand. - I'm struggling to keep up myself.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32And doesn't the Pope remind you
0:24:32 > 0:24:35of the vicar from Strictly Come Dancing?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36I used the address list to go
0:24:36 > 0:24:40and invite all the guests personally and everybody said yes.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Oh, isn't it wonderful news? Merry Christmas, everyone!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- ALL:- Merry Christmas.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Oh, Jester Tim, I never doubted you.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Thank you so much and I would like you to take this as a gift from me.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, Anne, this is perfect.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Well done, Jester, this time you're the champ.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I've known all along that was Wolsey's seal stamp.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04You've known all along? You may be Jane SEEmour,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08but if you were Jane SAYmore, we could've finished 20 minutes ago!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12And now, to begin the party entertainment,
0:25:12 > 0:25:17singing a song for the whole court, it is Jester Tim.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23# There's a place where baubles shine
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# And tinsel sparkles all the time
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# And there's a smile on every face
0:25:30 > 0:25:32# Well, almost every face
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# Henry VIII's Christmas party
0:25:36 > 0:25:40# It's the brightest party of the year
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# Henry VIII's Christmas party
0:25:43 > 0:25:44# That's me!
0:25:44 > 0:25:49# If you didn't RSVP, that may well just be why you're not here
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# One-a, Tudor, three-a, four-a
0:26:01 > 0:26:08# Henry VIII's Christmas party, Henry VIII's Christmas party,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# Henry VIII's Christmas party... #
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I'm back in the here and now!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22CHEERING
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Oh, well, I'm glad to say I didn't get executed,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29although it is way past my behead-time.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Do you know, it's just great to be back among my treasured antiques.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Oh, look at this lizard, it's art gecko.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40SHOP BELL RINGS Oh, welcome back, Emma Bunton!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Here you are, Emma, one silver lion with a perfect base.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Oh, thank you so much Tim, brilliant.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Anyway, I'd better make tracks.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Oh, are you going to a recording studio?- I'm just leaving.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, wait a minute, you are still going to cut the ribbon
0:26:57 > 0:26:59tonight at the grand opening of Tim's Antiques?
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Oh, no, I can't, the vicar off Strictly has invited me to a party.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh, you couldn't make it up.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Well, you...you could, and we did.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Thank you so much, Tim, Merry Christmas.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- Merry Christmas, Emma! - Merry Christmas!
0:27:14 > 0:27:15APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Typical, the search for a celebrity to open Tim's Antiques goes on.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Well, what have we learnt today? We've learnt that Wolsey's got a
0:27:23 > 0:27:26wonky onesie and his wonky onesie's not from Swansea.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Christmas decorations don't grow on trees and it's actually very
0:27:29 > 0:27:33hard to operate a turkey puppet and act at the same time.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37It's just such a shame that Emma won't be here for the grand
0:27:37 > 0:27:40opening and we're going to have to cancel the brass band.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Can we cancel the brass band?
0:27:43 > 0:27:44BRASS BAND PLAYS
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Hey, no, we should've... We should've...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49See you again same time, different time!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Merry Christmas!