0:00:02 > 0:00:06Good evening. The last few weeks have been very divisive politically,
0:00:06 > 0:00:10but whatever our differences, it is becoming increasingly clear
0:00:10 > 0:00:16that nobody is going to get what they want or anywhere near it.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20We are united as a nation in political disappointment,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22and what could be more British
0:00:22 > 0:00:27than a mutual sense of despondency, of let-down?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31It is that which brings us together.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Maybe don't quite say that when you get outside.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37This news just in:
0:00:37 > 0:00:39The muppets don't like uncertainty.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Or a pipeline in the pipeline.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Let me be clear...- Off the record. - How do I put this?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44And the answer is...we're out.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45# She wants to be like
0:00:45 > 0:00:46# She wants to see like
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# She wants to walk a mile in their shoes
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# Every day a new sensation How to break it to the nation
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# Tracey's gonna break the news
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# She wants to say this She wants to play this
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# She really hopes that nobody sues
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# Every day a new sensation Take it to the waking nation
0:01:01 > 0:01:04# She's gonna faking well break the news. #
0:01:04 > 0:01:06So come on, everybody,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09it's quarter past nine and we haven't fixed one single election!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- What have we got? - Portuguese elections are imminent.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Who is the worst candidate? - This guy is nuts.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18He literally thinks the Earth goes round the moon.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Give him 20 million votes.- That is twice the population of Portugal.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Who gives shit?
0:01:22 > 0:01:27And you - you handle British election. You make everybody lose.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Well done. Employee of month.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33We have big problem. It's the Melaniabot.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36It won't hold his hand, and look, this happened earlier.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Now the smile is malfunctioning. This was last night.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Move your lips, damn it! Come on, smile! Smile!
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- Let me. Let me.- This is now. This is live.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51OK, walk. Move hand back.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Take his hand - yes, there.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56All right. Keep holding.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Argh! It let go. Take it back! Nyet! Not the handbag!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- Argh!- She is old now, like Mir space station.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Best to drop her in the sea. - Issue the code purple.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Want us to bring Melania in?! We can't!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13She's got to pick at a salad in Mar-a-Lago in 12 hours!
0:02:13 > 0:02:14You are disobeying me?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16You want a Pelonian smooty?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Nyet, nyet.- Then go.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Who should be Channel 4 first star baker?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Julian Assange.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25On it.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Hey, Bogdan, Bolek. No need to pack up those tools.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- But we must go home now.- Yes, back to our unspecified slavic country.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Brits vote Brexit vote. No longer want builders from Eastern Europe.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41But Brits DO want your professionalism,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45and the fact that you do show up roughly the day you say you will,
0:02:45 > 0:02:50and now there's a way we can all have our Pierogi and eat it, too.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I'm Denise, and here at my British Building School, I'll teach you
0:02:53 > 0:02:56all the traditional skills you'll need to blend in,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59even after the hardest of Brexits.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01From what to call yourselves...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05..to how to dress.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09And what to say.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Bloody right we're late - traffic's buggered on ring road!
0:03:13 > 0:03:18Cor blimey, what a bodge job. Who wired this up - John Wayne?!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20And both together:
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- BOTH:- Phwoarg! - And the gesture?
0:03:22 > 0:03:27Enrol now, and we'll pimp your van for free.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32We'll even throw in this heritage builder's radio.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35It receives just three stations - football,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38racist phone-ins, and medium wave static.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41The volume knob? Preset to blasting!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I wish my wife to be dirty like van.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47That's it. You nearly got it there, Bolek.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Come to Denise's British Building School.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54The course costs just £1,000, or 650 in cash, if you know what I mean.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58- BOTH:- Phwooooarrrr!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00That's it, boys!
0:04:02 > 0:04:06OK, it is time for the video chatten.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Ah, yeah, you know who I should call? Emmanuel Macron.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Very important German-Franco issues to cover. It's very pressing.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18But, Mein Chancellor, you have Skyped him five times this morning.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Well, we have much to discuss,
0:04:20 > 0:04:24and his eye for the mature sex machine is of no relevance. None.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You know who you must sprechen ze with,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- and you can't put it off one minuten longer.- No!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I don't want to talk to Herr Trump!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35He hates me and I hate him more,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38and not like you see in the romen-kommen
0:04:38 > 0:04:40just before they start kissing.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45But you must or you know who he will meet with first for the trade talks.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Theresa May - she will stop at nothing to do the leap and frog,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and his hand is not the only thing she is willing to hold.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54THEY CHUCKLE
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Ja.- All right, fire up the Wi-fi. I am ready.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Hey, look, it's the German lady. I met her before, right?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05She's like a three, two-and-a-half?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Hello, Angela, I can see you through the computer.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I am very happy to see you, Mr President.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Sure, that's great. And I'm a big fan of Germany.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Can you believe our countries were once at war? So sad.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22And if I had been President, it wouldn't have happened.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I would have played golf with Hitler and figured it out.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28No war - everyone says that.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Yes, I am sure, Mr President, but I would like to talk about trade.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Good. Pitch it, but keep it short - I got Jared coming in. I like Jared.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Do you like Jared?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Or did I fire Jared?- You like Jared, sir.- Great. I love Jared.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46- Jared good.- Ja. Well, I'd like to talk about agriculture.- Uh-huh.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52We would like amendments concerning regulations 29A and 31C.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56You have lost him. Look. He has minimised your window.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You must get him back before he golfs.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- He could start golfing at any moment.- Where's my clubs?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Where's my clubs?- Burgit, it's time for Plan B.- Are you sure?
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Ja. Do it.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09HE GARGLES
0:06:09 > 0:06:10What do you think of that sound?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- I have brought you strudel, Frau Merkel.- Ja. Put it here.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16SHE COUGHS
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Boobies! Tits! Tits!
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Pussy!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- What is that? Oh, wow!- You are back to full screen, thank God.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Who is that? Steve Bannon was right, the Germans really are superior!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32This is my special trade envoy, Helga.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Oh, Helga, I would like some more cream on my strudel.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Please will you be squirting the extra cream?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43What do you want?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46We'll get you a special trade envoy, and you I guess,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48over to Washington for big trade talks.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51You can stay at the Trump International Hotel.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I'll get you a great deal, full price. You just overtook Britain.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Goodbye.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Oh, it's over.- Oh, well done, Mein Chancellorette.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Now as a special treat,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I have organised a five-minute Skype call with Justin Trudeau.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08- Oh, you are the besten friend!- Oh!
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Shall I stay for that?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I have a degree in economics from the University of Stuttgart.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Er, no, no. Go, go.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Oh, but leave the cream.- Ja, ja.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Leave this cream.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25People say the BBC's coverage of Jeremy Corbyn has been biased,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27but I don't think that's true.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29For example, this is going out on the BBC,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32and I think they've treated the extremist pinko Commie,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35allotment-bothering nut-job completely fairly.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Coming through, we have the Melania Trump robot.- Will she be missed?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44We put dress on broomstick, so nobody will notice for few hours.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Hello.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55Where am I? Why isn't everything made of gold?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56State prime directives.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Directive one - help President believe
0:07:58 > 0:08:00big shit ideas are brilliant.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Directive two -
0:08:02 > 0:08:04like shiny things.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Hmm. Brain is OK.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Change her motors, give her two facelifts,
0:08:08 > 0:08:09and add an extra inch to her legs.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I don't want to make sex to you, Donald.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I'm not touching your fucking hand.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Oh, no!- Don't order my food, pig.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Wipe her brain.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Your neck is soft like Louis Vuitton glove.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Look, Melaniabot!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Look at the pretty handbag!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Vintage Chanel!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Oh! So on trend!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Neutralise the First Lady. Now. Now!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47We should send in another wife. It's not like he'll notice.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Mark IV isn't ready yet. What other androids do we have?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Er...the Faragebot is currently walking around without purpose.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Give it a dinner dress, buy it some perfume.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00we're going to have to wing this.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Hello?
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Anyone?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Hello, love, sorry to keep you waiting.- What's going on?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I was told to report to Labour headquarters for the voluntary...
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Voluntary mandatory re-education programme. Yes, that's right.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18We just want to make sure that you are absolutely
0:09:18 > 0:09:19at one with the party.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well, I think I am. I did just win a seat for them.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Yeah, it's funny, with all the success Jeremy's been enjoying,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28how many members are keener to serve.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Oh, well, he led an impressive campaign, proved his mettle.- Good.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36So that we can carry on as comrades together, we just need
0:09:36 > 0:09:40to make some tiny little changes to the way your whole mind works.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Erm...
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Firstly, let me purge you of all those pesky bourgeois red Tory
0:09:46 > 0:09:49trappings that have been holding you back,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51so I'm just going to take your car keys,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and in exchange, I'm going to give you
0:09:53 > 0:09:55this lovely set of bicycle clips.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Now, since Jeremy won the election...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Oh, he... He didn't actually win. - What?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He did well - better than we thought, much better -
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- but he didn't actually win. - He did. He won the mandate.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- That's not strictly true. - Yes, he did! He defeated Toryism.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Well, not in a literal or real sense...
0:10:14 > 0:10:19Tell me, what is the larger number of seats? 318 or 262?
0:10:19 > 0:10:24- 318.- Numerically, yes, but what represents more success?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- 318.- Does it, though? Look again.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29What is more impressive in terms of scale?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32It's 318. It's a bigger number than 262.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34SHE SIGHS
0:10:34 > 0:10:40It seems that someone is in need of just a teensy bit more persuasion.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Susan, love, could you ask John McDonnell to pop in?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47No! Please!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Surely you've got some thumbscrews or something!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54# Tracey breaking the news. #
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Battle bus. Rent your battle bus here.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Get your battle bus here.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Rent your battle bus. Battle bus for hire.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Yeah, so, two elections on the trot, two referendums,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10the Scottish election - we've been coining it, the battle bus trade,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13but right now, no bookings.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Without a national vote every month,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17my business model's right down the toilet.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Rent your battle bus here.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Giant misleading slogan of your choice on the side.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23- Where you going, love?- Er, chemist.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Battle bus could get you there. - Sorry.- Battle bus!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Rent your battle bus here.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34Getting on with the job of government, that's what I'm doing.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- Course you are, dearest.- And I'm planning for an orderly Brexit.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Look, I bought a new exercise book,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43and I've written "Orderly Brexit" on there,
0:11:43 > 0:11:44and I've underlined it twice.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Shall I put a box around it as well? No? Yes? No?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48THUD
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Was that a sound on the stairs? Is that Hammond come to oust me?
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Or Johnson or Rudd or...all of them?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Philip, put a chair under that doorknob. That's a boy job.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Don't be silly, old girl.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Nobody's going to get rid of you.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06For at least the next six weeks.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I'm doing my best!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I even asked Michael Gove back,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11and if that doesn't win over the masses, then I don't know what will.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's dashed unfair.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17And now Corbyn's appearing at Glastonbury. Maybe I should do that.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I mean, not there, but Penny's having a bassoon recital
0:12:20 > 0:12:25in Chichester, and I could give my talk about grammar schools.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27PHONE RINGS
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Don't answer that.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Hello! It's Arlene Foster from the DUP. We have a few more requests.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38We want a Wagamama in Londonderry, and we demand an extension
0:12:38 > 0:12:42to the Giant's Causeway because people on TripAdvisor keep saying
0:12:42 > 0:12:45it's not as big as they thought it would be.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I remember when I thought the DUP was just
0:12:48 > 0:12:51a courier service for my Net-a-Porter deliveries.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Are you OK, old stick? You seem a bit tense.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55It's just so quiet around here.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00I miss the sound of Fiona and Nick making the civil servants cry.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Yes, I miss them, too.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03KNOCK AT DOOR, SHE GASPS
0:13:03 > 0:13:04This is it!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I had so much I wanted to do,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10and at some point I was going to tell everyone what that was.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- It's OK, dear, just a delivery. This is for you.- Oh!
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Oh! A Vivienne Westwood dress! Oh, what a comfort.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27I can't wait to feel its swish against my dry white knees.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- What's that?- Oh, just a little something to help you.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35It's a CD to teach you how to talk to humans.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39You just listen to the phrases, and then repeat what they say.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42How are you?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Strong and stable. - No - repeat what it says.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- The weather has been uncomfortably warm.- That's Jeremy Corbyn's fault.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Yeah, we'll try again later, shall we?- Yes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Back to negotiating an orderly Brexit that works for Britain.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I might underline it again.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02What's a Paddy Power?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- And what does it mean, £10 each way on David Davis?- I don't know.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09It just popped up.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11No hymns for you tonight!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24It's been a tricky couple of years for us pollsters.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26We said there'd be a hung parliament in 2015.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29We called Brexit wrong,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31and none of us saw Boaty McBoatface coming,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34so we completely overhauled our canvassing system,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36and recalibrated our algorithms
0:14:36 > 0:14:39to make sure we got this election dead right.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40And did you?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44No, we got it wrong, but in a very different way.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Still, the fact is, we were all miles off,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51apart from the exit poll people, but that's basically cheating, isn't it?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52So what went wrong?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It may have something to do with changing demographics,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57but we also suspect that basically,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00the British public have been screwing with us,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02lying about their voting intentions to make us look silly.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04If the General Election were tomorrow,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06who here would vote Conservative?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Right, and who would vote Labour?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13You see what we're up against?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Essentially, none of the traditional polling methods work any more,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20so, with another election probably just around the corner,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24we've been working on some rather more reliable prediction techniques.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Roger here is really onto something.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Yes, we've developed some simple but brilliant new methodology
0:15:32 > 0:15:34to predict the name of the next prime minister.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Hey little wren,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39my mum's hen says the next PM will be...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Leanne Wood.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Mmm.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47That may need a little more work.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# She's gonna faking well break the news. #
0:15:50 > 0:15:52All the politicians say they want to do something
0:15:52 > 0:15:53for our working families.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I get that, but what about us?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57We're bone idle.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Most days, I can't even be bothered to reach for the remote.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Yesterday, it was on the other chair,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07so I ended up watching four hours of Catchphrase on Challenge TV.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12- What's Mr Chips doing? Who gives a shit?- Not us, that's for sure.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13When do we get our say?
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Did you vote?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Did we what?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Now, I know coming here isn't easy for anyone,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21but this support group is here to help you.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25And recent events like Brexit have stirred up a lot of feelings,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28and you've all come to realise something. Something shocking.
0:16:28 > 0:16:34You've realised that not everyone thinks exactly the same as you do.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Susan, maybe you'd like to share your story.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Thanks, Kay. Erm...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Well, the thing is,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I used to look at my Facebook, and think,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"It's fine, we all basically agree with each other,"
0:16:48 > 0:16:52and then, last June, the Brexit result...
0:16:52 > 0:16:57I gradually began to realise that there are people in the world who...
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Who don't think the same as me.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Joseph, you had something to say. - Yeah.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I went into work the day after the referendum, and some people
0:17:07 > 0:17:10were happy, and I realised,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12if people don't agree with me about that,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15maybe they don't agree with me about...other things.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I mean, some things we all agree on, like the Star Wars prequels -
0:17:18 > 0:17:20everyone thinks they're shit.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Oh, I quite like them!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Well, I don't think they're as bad as everyone says.- No!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26This can't be happening! What's the matter with you?!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Why can't everyone be right?!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Like me!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31KNOCK AT DOOR
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Is this the place for the different opinions support group?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Yes, that's right. Please, come in.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- I'm Frank.- Welcome, Frank.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Now, remember, you can say anything you want here.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- It's a very safe environment. - Oh, great, thanks.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48It's got so I'm afraid to open my mouth in public, but you know,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50it's not all doom and gloom, is it?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I mean, happy anniversary!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55HE SCREAMS
0:17:56 > 0:17:58BAGPIPES PLAY
0:17:58 > 0:18:02You're about to find out what happens to SNP MPs
0:18:02 > 0:18:04when they lose their seats to the Tories.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Nicola, please!
0:18:05 > 0:18:09This organisation does not tolerate failure.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17PHONE RINGS
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Nicola, there's a member of a rival club here. She's heading this way.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26The name's Davidson. Ruth Davidson.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28The leader of the Tory Party in Scotland.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- The one that took all those seats from us!- Shut up, wee Marie!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- You think I don't know that? - Forgive me for dropping by.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I was actually next door at a shortbread factory
0:18:35 > 0:18:37rolling out biscuit dough for a photo op.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41It appears I'm in great media demand for some reason.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Is it just me, or is there a wee midgey buzzing around, Marie?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- I think I hear something. - Shall we play the 18th, ladies?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- MUMBLES:- 13 seats!
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Oh, bad luck! It looks like you're in the rough, and I'm on the green.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00If that's where your ball landed,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03then I'm the boil on Rory McIlroy's bum.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Oh, come on, you don't want to get a reputation as a poor loser,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- do you, now, Nicola? - What do you want?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12To warn you, lay off this IndyRef 2 nonsense. It's over.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Theresa's not for turning. - Oh, you're kidding me!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18That woman's had more flip-flops than a beach shop in Troon!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- That would be only, like, four. - Shut it, wee Marie!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25And escort our guest to the bunker.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Cocktail.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33A Hoots Manhattan.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Drambuie and McEwan's in a deep fried glass.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Shaken, not stirred, of course. I don't need IndyRef 2.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I've got bigger ideas.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Let me tell you about Skexit.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Skexit?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Scotland's exit from the UK.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49What's that?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Oh, just a little something I borrowed
0:19:51 > 0:19:53from Her Majesty's naval base in Faslane.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Why do you want a nuclear weapon? You're anti-Trident!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It's not for defence purposes!
0:19:58 > 0:20:03A warhead detonated under Dumfries will break Scotland clean away,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05sending us out into the North Sea,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08where we will bounce off Norway, and come to rest next to Denmark,
0:20:08 > 0:20:13leaving us irrevocably part of Europe for the rest of time.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You'll never get away with this, you know, Sturgeon.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Me and my 13 Westminster colleagues will make sure that...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Feed her to the haddock.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Now, more on the images of a bullying incident in Leicester.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33This mobile phone footage appears to show
0:20:33 > 0:20:37a group of young people victimising an elderly man.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I'm joined now by Chief Inspector Wendy McKie.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- It's a tough watch, isn't it? - Absolutely.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I mean, this footage is nothing short of appalling.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47You have to wonder at the mentality of these people.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49If you're going to film an abusive incident,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51why on Earth would you do it in portrait mode?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Yeah, because TV is broadcast in landscape format,
0:20:54 > 0:20:56and if you film something in portrait,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58it takes up, what, a third of the screen?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Which means that we then have to put the blurry stuff either side.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03You know that, I know that,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06the vast majority of decent people know that, but unfortunately,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09there are some people who are just profoundly ignorant
0:21:09 > 0:21:11of the correct aspect ratio.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Is there anything that can be done about this disturbing trend?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The temptation is to write these people off,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19but I really believe that with the right sort of support,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22they can quite literally turn their lives around.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Thank you, Chief Inspector.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Oh, erm,,,and the actual incident itself?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, right, yeah. Dreadful.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32But then, the whole world's gone to shit, hasn't it?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35# Tracey. #
0:21:35 > 0:21:39And this is the last of the three-bed apartments.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- It's nice and spacious! - It's wonderful, this part of London.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I've always wanted to not live here.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46And since you'll be buying it and leaving it empty,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48you'll also be stopping someone local
0:21:48 > 0:21:50from ever having their own home.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51That IS important to us.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53There's been a lot of interest,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55so how soon would you like to not move in?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Well, for somewhere like this, that ticks all the boxes,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I think we could not move in straight away.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Here's the kitchen.- Ooh!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Extractor fan.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Only time that's getting turned on.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- And what are the neighbours like? - It's very cosmopolitan.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15All the other flats are investment buyers, too,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18so there are people not here from all over.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Absent Russians, a Greek shipping magnate no-one's met,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and next door isn't a lovely man from Dubai.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Oh, do you think this could not be a room for the nanny?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Absolutely, or it could not be a guest room,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32or even not a home office.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33The choice is yours.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- Ah! What a view!- Exactly.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Just imagine not being out here of an evening,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43no glass of wine in your hand.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Never taking in the sunset.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- I think we'll buy it. - Congratulations.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50You'll be very happy not here.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51- Do you not live in the area?- Oh, no.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I couldn't possibly afford to live round here. I've been priced out.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Now, I must show you the wet room that will be forever dry.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I am sick to death of voting.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06We've had an election, a referendum, another election,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08and now they're saying there might be another election!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12I have got actual voting fatigue, which is real.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14And the worst thing is, all of these stupid votes
0:23:14 > 0:23:17are stopping me from taking part in the proper ones -
0:23:17 > 0:23:18X-Factor, Eurovision,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Richard Osman's World Cup of Biscuits.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Politicians, stop it!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Ooh! Blimey! Is this the new office?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Yes. Look at all this space.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I can almost open my drawer.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Wow!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It's like you can feel all those extra MPs.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41So, what's on the menu for today?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Well, we need to find a replacement for Tim Farron.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45You can't have a party without a leader.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Not even a little one?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- No, I checked. - OK. So, who's in the top 20?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51We only have 12 MPs.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53All right, then, top three?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Vince Cable's running.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Yes, but he's 74, which means by the time of the next election,
0:23:57 > 0:23:58he'll be...
0:23:58 > 0:24:0074, most likely.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Good point.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03There's always Norman Lamb.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06He stood last time and lost against Tim Farron,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09which would basically make Tim Farron our favourite
0:24:09 > 0:24:10to replace Tim Farron.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Well, then, that just leaves Ed Davey.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13He divides the party.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Be six of one, half a dozen of the other.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Literally.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Well, that's everyone on the list.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21What about this one?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Jo Swinson.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Ruled herself out.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Are you sure we can't convince her, though?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Because, look...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33..the poster writes itself!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35How about Fishfinger Guy?
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Do you think we could turn him? At least he's memorable.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40It could work.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Does he have views on gay sex? - Not that I can see.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Oh, no, hold on - he sent the costume back,
0:24:46 > 0:24:47and without that,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49he's just a completely unremarkable middle-aged man.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51That could probably do us.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52You're right!
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Lunch?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Ooh!- Sorry!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# She's gonna faking well faking well faking well break the news. #
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Mabel, darling, can I ask you something?- Sure.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Do you think I could be that North Korean newsreader on the show?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- You can't do comedy Koreans! It's not the '70s!- '80s, please.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I'm not that old. Do you know who I'd really like to be?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Diane Abbott.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- MABEL SIGHS - No, no.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Mabel, when she was like...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21AS DIANE ABBOTT: No, no, that's not right, they're not the figures, er,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23it's 300,000...er...
0:25:23 > 0:25:24300 million.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Why can't I do that?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I mean, for one thing you'd get absolutely slaughtered on Twitter.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30I don't care what they say on Twitter.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I've been in this business long enough
0:25:32 > 0:25:34to not care about what they're saying about me online.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- What ARE they saying about me online?- I don't know. Let's look.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40@boozysusan says,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42"Just watched Tracey Ullman's Angela Merkel impression,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"and I think I've wet myself."
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Wow. Is that good?- That's good.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51@ianfromcarshalton says, "That new Tracey Ullman show is worse than..."
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- Oh, let's forget that one. - Worse than what?- It doesn't matter.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Well, no, let me have a look, then.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59"That new Tracey Ullman show is worse than AIDS."
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Why would he say something like that?!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05It's just how people are on social media.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I mean, a couple of sketches I wasn't completely happy with,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11but I'd still like to think they're better than AIDS.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Obviously they are.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16"I wouldn't let Tracey Ullman give me a blowjob if you paid me."
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Who'd pay him to do that? I mean, this guy absolutely hates me!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- What have I done?- He's a troll, OK?
0:26:22 > 0:26:26There's only one sensible way to deal with people like that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Of course, yeah.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30No, you're absolutely right.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Hi. Are you @ianfromcarshalton?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Yeah?
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Bloody hell.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- What are you doing here?- I want to talk to you about your tweets.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39How did you find me?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Oh, just drove to Carshalton, asked around in a few pubs.- See, son?
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Your old man's famous.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You've got 58 followers. You're hardly Justin Bieber.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Does he know what you say about me?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"I can't decide what I hate most about Tracey Ullman -
0:26:50 > 0:26:53"the fact she's an unfunny bitch, or the fact she's an ugly bitch."
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Yeah, why would you want to tell Mum that?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I didn't tell her - I just posted it!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You included her Twitter handle in the message.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01And what is it about me and AIDS,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04cos I'm looking through your other tweets, and not only do you think
0:27:04 > 0:27:07my show is worse than AIDS, you also hope I get AIDS.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Why is that, exactly?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10You annoy me.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Some people annoy ME, but I wouldn't wish AIDS upon them!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Yeah, it's a massive overreaction.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Leave me alone, will you?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20I'm entitled to my opinion. I...don't like your show, OK?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- And I don't like you.- But you'd have shagged her in the '80s.- What?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24That's what you tweeted last year.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26"I'd have shagged Tracey Ullman in the '80s."
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- But not now.- Wow, you're a real Prince Charming, aren't you, Ian?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I mean, you know, don't think about my feelings!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- What gives you the right to say all these vicious...- Come on.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- ..and cruel things...- That's enough. - What?- We're not getting anywhere.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40- OK, I know.- Let's go.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43OK, Ian, you can say whatever you want,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46because you're not going to get a reaction out of me.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47- OK?- Come on.- No.- Come on.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25SNORING
0:28:27 > 0:28:29PHONE RINGS, THEY GASP
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Oh!
0:28:31 > 0:28:32BLEEP
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Hello, it's Arlene. I hope it's not too late for you.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40The DUP have further demands. Do you have a pen there?
0:28:40 > 0:28:44We want a bowl of M&Ms with all the homosexual ones taken out,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Thursday to be called Paisleyday,
0:28:46 > 0:28:51and at least two marching bands to make the final of the X-Factor,
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Disneyland Ulster to open...
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- BLEEP - Mailbox is full.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Perhaps it would be easier to call another election.