0:00:02 > 0:00:05What magnificent woods it is. It's massive.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09There's a fire there, going. Summat happened. But what, I don't know.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- It's a house in a very lonely place. - BEAR GROWLS
0:00:12 > 0:00:13You've got a big bear there.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Looks really frightening and threatening.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Then there's two people on the front.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20One of them's very large and big.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23And he's standing next to his friend, who is very small.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27- Yes, just like a little shrimp really.- Oh!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31- It's Reeves and Mortimer. - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Trousers!- Trousers!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- Trousers!- Trousers!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Trousers!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Trousers!- Trousers!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Trousers! Trousers!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Trousers!- Trousers!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Trousers!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58# Skinny jeans are current but can compromise your nuts
0:00:58 > 0:01:02# Chinos are for comfort but sit low beneath your guts
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# Turn-ups can be useful when there's lots of falling glass
0:01:05 > 0:01:09# But for all-round everyday wear, we suggest an A-line slack. #
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Trousers!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- That's trousers! - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Good evening.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- The shrimp is with us. - Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Talking about trousers, Vic.- Yeah.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Talking about trousers, I was wearing trousers the other day when
0:01:28 > 0:01:31a German shepherd came in through the hedge and had a dump on me lawn.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34His dog's as bad as well.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39HORN TOOTS
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Do you know? I used to wear trousers in the 1980s.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- In fact, in the '80s, I spent two years in a squat.- Really?
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Then I stood up.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54SAXOPHONE
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Hey, I was wearing trousers the other night
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- when I went to the karaoke club with me Indian friend.- Gerupta Singh?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Yeah, I got up. I like to, yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Can you do this?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08SLOSH
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Urgh!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Nah, I can't do that.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Me neither.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16FUNKY BASS GUITAR
0:02:16 > 0:02:19PAN PIPES
0:02:19 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Anyway, Bob, talking about trousers, do you like denim work wear slacks?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Yes, I do like them very much. Thank you for asking.- They are nice, aren't they?- Did you know, Vic?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- These days, they're actually called jeans.- Wait a minute. They're called what?- Jeans.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38- Yeah, that's the new word for them. - You've lost me there. Is there a new word for...?- Yeah, jeans.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Have you got a favourite jean, Vic? - I like Gene Hackman, Gene Roddenberry, Jean Harlow,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Gene Vincent. I like all them Genes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47They're people, you see, Vic?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50The mistake you've made is you've forgotten that
0:02:50 > 0:02:54I told you that the new name for denim workwear is jeans.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- Yeah?- Yes!- Yes.- Now I know.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58So, do you have a favourite jean?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- I suppose it's our sponsors, Geordie Jeans.- Geordie Jeans.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Geordie Jeans!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Even the pop stars wear Geordie Jeans!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Bruno Mars!
0:03:09 > 0:03:1124-carat magic!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Rag'n'Bone Man!
0:03:13 > 0:03:18# I'm only hu-man after all! Don't put the blame on me. #
0:03:18 > 0:03:20And Ed Sheeran!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I'm in love with the shape of your body.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28What? What?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30They can even calm down ADHD kids!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33CHUCKLES
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They're so nice and tight around the arse.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Geordie Jeans! - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Geordie Jeans.- Geordie Jeans.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Geordie Jeans.- Geordie Jeans.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen, but round about this
0:03:50 > 0:03:55time of night, what I like to do is pop a Freddo bar under a Scart lead.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- And that brings a lot of good luck...- A lot of good luck.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- ..I have always found.- Yeah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04It does, yeah. Hiya.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08LOUD THROBBING
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Make it stop!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13No!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Oh!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Vic...- Magnetic hands.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Vic.- Yeah?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I really enjoyed that.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- Vic, I'm really surprised that you haven't mentioned me wig.- What wig?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Me wig.- You're not wearing a wig.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- You're joking. Yes, I am.- Is it? Really?- Didn't you think I was?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Well, what a blend. You can't tell.- Do you mean that?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39You really can't tell.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Oh. I'm so pleased cos this were expensive.- I bet it was.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- How much did it cost? - £30,000.- £30,000?!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46£30,000.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I mean, it seems like a lot of money, do you know what I mean?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- But it's an entirely new system. - Tell me about it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Well, it's called All About The Blend
0:04:54 > 0:04:58- because it is about how it blends with your natural hair. - It's a good blend.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It's actually, the company that makes it is actually
0:05:00 > 0:05:06- owned by Captain Mark Phillips. Do you remember Captain Mark Phillips? - Yeah, I used to ride with him.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- You used to ride with him? - Yeah.- Hey, didn't we all?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Didn't we all? Yeah, and what they do, it's a unique system...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- What they do is they actually pluck individual hairs out of your Peter pipe.- Yeah.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Your Cheddar Gorge. - Your Cheddar Gorge.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24- Pluck them out and then stretch them and they apply butter to them.- Ooh!
0:05:24 > 0:05:25- Yeah.- Mm!
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Really nice butter, you know, like Anchor, summat like that.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- Mm!- And they're individually sewn into the net, all about the blend.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Doesn't it blend?- Yes, lovely! Fantastic!- Thank you.- Incredible.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- Turn around. Let's have a look at the back of it.- The blend?- Superb. Isn't it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43MOUTHS
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- It's perfect, Bob. - No, I'm really pleased with it. - Absolutely unbelievable.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- And to think you didn't even spot it.- I didn't spot that you had a wig on, no.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- That's fantastic. Yeah.- Really good. - So, what's been happening with you, Vic?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Well, I was on me way back from Chutney Club...- Yeah.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- It's good at Chutney Club. - You and that Chutney Club.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- I hardly ever see you these days. - We've just learned how to put the lids on.- Mm!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Anyway, I was coming back from Chutney Club
0:06:08 > 0:06:10and it was pouring down with rain and I saw...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You know the actor Mel Gibson? I saw him and he was obviously having some car trouble cos
0:06:13 > 0:06:16he got some water in his carburettor or something like that.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Anyway, he got out and he picked it up, he was very strong,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21picked up the front of the car and he was banging it, bang,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- bang, bang, in the pouring rain. - Yeah.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- I can hardly even imagine that. - Would you like to see the memory?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I'd love to see it, yeah.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Oh, that's great.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Ha-ha-ha!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- HORN TOOTS - Unngg!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Uunnnggg!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Flamin' eck! Ooh, gawd!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52That's a nice memory, that one.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Yeah.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Are you going to keep it?- No, I don't really... Do you want it?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Yeah, I'll have it, yeah. Thank you.- Sea salt?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Yes, I can see that.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Ooh!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Oof!- Oh!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oof!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh!
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Oof!- Oh, you're joking, aren't you? - That's nice that, isn't it?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17- Oof!- Oh!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- Hello.- Hello.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Hello.- All right, lad? Lovely to see you.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- All right? - How do you do, lad?- My name's Colin.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Colin.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Calling all cars, officer down!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Hey, I like that. I love that one!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- You do like it?- Ooh, love it!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43There you go, there you go.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- I'm Nicholas, by the way. - I can tell.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Like two boiled eggs in a cycling sock!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Ha-hey!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh! Classic.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- When was the last time you were on a date?- I'm on one date now, actually.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02There you are. I brought it along, you see.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- At least, I hope it's a date. - So do I!
0:08:04 > 0:08:08It reminds me, I passed a lovely firm stool this morning.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I wish I'd stopped and bought it! Hey!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Love that one!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- That's really good. That's a classic.- Ain't it?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- It really is, yeah.- Toot-toot-toot!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Very, very good. If you don't mind me saying, Colin,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23you've got a rather large head, haven't you?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27It has been noted that it's quite large, yes. It's a sniper's dream.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- You can't miss it!- Bang! Boom!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- You can't miss it!- You couldn't miss it.- And do you know what,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Nicholas? I noticed that you walked in with a bit of a limp.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Oh, I have, yeah. Sniper's nightmare.- Oop!- Do you understand?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- Missed! Missed again!- Nil points. Nil points, Mr Sniper!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Ooh, here it comes.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Ooh, there we are.- Here it comes. - Delightful, thank you.- Come on then.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Let's tuck in. - Yeah, why, has it popped out again?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Nonstop cabaret!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06So, are you going to see each other again?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- I don't know. - Right, you go first, go on.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- OK.- No, sit down!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Classic, that!- Love it. Love that.- You do like it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Right, I'll go first.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Right.- I thought I might have to say this.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I can't speak the words, so I've written on me napkin. All right?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23So, for the camera as well.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh!
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Oh, it's double folded, hold on.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Oh! Hey! That's a good one! I like that. Me too.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Yeah?- Shall we go and find some?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Yes, please.- Piccadilly Circus? - Correct. Come on.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43And so, as the sun sets over the wood pigeon, the old farmer
0:09:43 > 0:09:47buries his wife's necklace beneath the water pump.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Bomp-bom-bom!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:10:00So, ladies and gentlemen, we've got a bit of a treat for you now
0:10:00 > 0:10:03because we've been working on an observation comedy routine.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Observational comedy. - Observational comedy, which I know is all the trend.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- Oh, hello.- All right, lads? How are you doing?- All right, thanks. Who are you, mate?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- I'm Rod Stewart, aren't I? - Rod Stewart?!- You don't look much like him.- The singer.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- You don't look much like him. - You don't look like Rod Stewart!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- A percentage of people say that, like.- Yeah.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Anyway, so what can we do for you, Rod?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I'm on at the O2 in about half an hour.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I was wondering if you could lend me the bus fare.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- How much?- 20 quid?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- 20 quid?!- 20 quid?! The O2, it's only over there!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36All right, tenner.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Tenner. I tell you what, we're down an act a bit later on.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42If you come back and do a little bit of your show for us,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- yeah, we'll give you a tenner. Is that all right?- That'll do, yeah.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- All right. Where do you want me to wait? - Well, where do you normally wait
0:10:48 > 0:10:53- when you're at the O2 before you go on?- At the vending machine with the fat drummer, looking at the lasses.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55There's no lasses and there's no fat drummer,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57but there's tea and coffee facilities back there.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Yeah, nice to meet you, Rod.- Nice to meet you, lads. See you later.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Hey, Rod Stewart, eh? - Rod Stewart, eh?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Come on, it's time to do it. - Observation comedy.- Let's do some.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08It's our observation comedy. It's the modern way.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever noticed, ladies and gentlemen, that
0:11:12 > 0:11:19in hotels, the thermostat control on the showers is always very erratic?
0:11:19 > 0:11:20AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Come on. Come on, this is good stuff.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Don't coat hangers get tangled up?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Have you ever noticed...? You must have!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Have you ever noticed that you get your thing for the carwash, the
0:11:41 > 0:11:45little code, and when you pull up at the machine, you can't reach it?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Does anyone remember Babycham?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55They still make it.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Who said that?- What did he say?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- What did you say?- I was just saying, they still make it.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- So it doesn't really... - Can you get him out?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- No, I'm just saying, it don't really work.- Get him out.- Come on.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Really?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Oh. Oh, just...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12They still make Babycham, so it's just a silly thing, isn't it?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Doesn't really work.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19MUFFLED ARGUING
0:12:21 > 0:12:25GUNSHOT
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- Does anyone remember Babycham? - AUDIENCE: YES!
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Yes, very good. Nice ending there. That's observation comedy!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Hey, Bob.- Hiya.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- Hello.- Hiya.- Bob.- Yeah?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Can we have a punch up?- Have a punch-up? Yes, please! Come on!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Come on!- Let's have a punch up.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Come on!- Can't wait. - You go first.- OK.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50THUMPING
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Oof!- Right.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Bourne Conspiracy. - THUMPING
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Right, Wonder Woman.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05SWISH
0:13:07 > 0:13:10DISCO MUSIC
0:13:15 > 0:13:16The Hammer of Thor!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Shit!
0:13:17 > 0:13:22SWOOSHING
0:13:22 > 0:13:25THUMP
0:13:25 > 0:13:29THUMPING
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- I win again!- Hey, that was a good fight. Thank you.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Yeah, that was all right that, wasn't it? - He always tops me with that hammer.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:13:39 > 0:13:43I'm sorry, Vic. I've got to leave you for a moment. I've got to do that thing I've been
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- meaning to do.- Oh, that thing. - I'm going to do it now, yeah.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Well, you'd better go and do it. - Yeah. Ooh.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Oh, hey. Hello.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Vic, I've fallen.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- I could see.- Did you see? - Did you trip over something?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58A Piriton?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Yeah, maybe that or a Rennie. It was summat pharmaceutical.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- Something like that, you tripped over, wasn't it?- But main thing is, that felt pretty bad.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- I want to have a look at the damage Vic. - Let's have a look at the damage.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- I can instantly see, I've took the top off a blister there.- Yeah.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- So, that's not nice, is it? - How is your sacrodiliac?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Me what?- Your sacrodiliac. - I don't know what that is.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21It's a ligament that attaches your kneecap via your nose to your anus.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- I don't know. I'd better try. - It goes all the way round.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Argh!- Oh!- Oh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- No! So that's gone as well.- Yeah.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32For this blister, can you get us a plaster?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Have you got a plaster, please? But I want one of those Frozen ones,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38with the characters from Frozen on it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- For me blister.- I'd like to get that for you, but I can't, can I? I'd like to get you a Frozen plaster,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45but you've used them all up. You took them all out of the packet and stuck them
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- on the back of your Big Bang Theory backpack!- Yes, I did.- I said, "One day, you'll want a plaster
0:14:49 > 0:14:53"and they won't be in there because you've stuck them all over the back of your Big Bang Theory backpack!"
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- You stupid boy!- No, I accept that. Vic, will you do summat for us?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Would you phone me mum, yeah? And ask her to bring some.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04- Your mum, Pissy Pat.- She's not called Pissy Pat. Pissy Pat.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- Is this her, "Mummy"?- No, that's her chatroom I'm involved in.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10The next one, I think.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- "Mum at work."- "Mum at work," that's it, yeah.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Ooh, sometimes...- Thanks, Vic.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Hello? Yeah, can I speak to Mrs Mortimer, please? Yeah, Pissy Pat.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Right. Could you tell her her son, Bob, has...
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Yeah, Wanky Bob. Yeah.
0:15:26 > 0:15:32Could you tell her that he's fallen over and he needs a plaster? OK.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Bye. She's gone off for two weeks to Yates's Wine Lodge on holiday.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42- Oh, not again! I'm just going to have to...- Hang on a minute.- What?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Why don't you use...use one of them?- What, a second-class stamp?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Yeah.- No, it'll take forever to heal then, won't it?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Pissy Pat, honestly! You idiot!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You what?! What did you call me then?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- You're an idiot!- Oh, I'm an idiot, eh?- Yes, you are.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Yeah.- Would an idiot be able to do this?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Huh?- No.- Yeah, exactly.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Just think about what you say in future.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09APPLAUSE
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Let's take a trip to Novelty Island.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:15MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Here we are with the paddock of Novelty Island.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26We're going to see three turns who are going to present themselves
0:16:26 > 0:16:29in the paddock and the first turn tonight is David Little-Peacock.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32David has a double-barrel name, a double-barrel shotgun
0:16:32 > 0:16:37and a double entendre company in Long Nobbington near Bristol City.
0:16:37 > 0:16:43And here he is, David Little-Peacock.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Hello, everyone. Hello, Mr Reeves.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Hello, there, yes.- So, David... - Hello.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Yeah, it's my doglect.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I operate a small laboratory up in Stranraer where I make hybrids,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59you know, crossbreeds.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Yeah, and clones. I myself am a humbould.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I'm part human, part boulder.
0:17:06 > 0:17:12- This is the doglect, it's part otter, part lecturer.- Part radish.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- Part radish! There was a wee amount of radish.- What does your doglect do?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Aye, we're going to sing a tender song together.- Right, OK.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20If you could assist me, Mr Reeves.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23If you'd like to come round to the doglect's side there
0:17:23 > 0:17:28and I'll indicate during the song when you need to lift its beak.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33OK. So, if we could have the music, please?
0:17:33 > 0:17:38# It was a hard afternoon In the middle of June
0:17:38 > 0:17:41# When I first met my baby... #
0:17:41 > 0:17:43DOGLECT WHISTLES
0:17:43 > 0:17:46# ..As she slowly walked by... #
0:17:46 > 0:17:49WHISTLES
0:17:49 > 0:17:52# ..I said Hey, that's my lady... #
0:17:52 > 0:17:54WHISTLES
0:17:54 > 0:17:57So there you have it. There you have it. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:57 > 0:17:59That's the doglect.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- Fantastic.- Thanks for having me, Mr Reeves. Goodbye from the doglect.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Bye-bye, he says. Cheerio.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11David Little-Peacock and his doglect.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Second act in the paddock tonight, please welcome Rod Stewart.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- All right, Rod?- Hiya.- What's this? - It's me arse-kicking machine.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- I thought you were going to do something for my show.- It is.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I use it to kick the backing singers up the arse during the boring bits of Maggie May.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Right. Well, you're not kicking me up the arse with it.- No,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I'm going to stand in there, you're going to kick me up the arse.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40All right. Well, you get in there.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43And this is what you use to kick the backing singers up the arse.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48- Backing singers' arses.- Yeah. Right. Here we go, then.- Five for a tenner.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Right, OK.- Remember, five, no more. - Right, got you.- Because I know you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Yeah. Right. All right, then. Here we go.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Ow! Ah!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Argh! Oh! Ow! That's five.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- That's five, ain't it?- Five. Tenner, now.- There you are, £10.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Here, take that with you, you'll need it tonight.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Who have you got supporting you?- I don't know, Bryan Adams, I suppose.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:20BELL RINGS
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Act number three in the paddock of Novelty Island is...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28He's a friend of doctors, dentists and athletic...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31CHEERING
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It's...Graham Lister.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36MUSIC: Caroline by Status Quo
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Good evening, Reeves. Good evening, Reeves.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53I see you look like a pudding that's turned towards the daft.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55You've not progressed much in life, have you, Reeves?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I'm here to perform my act, can we carry on with it, please?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Yes, sure. What is it you're going to do?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I'm going to touch that cornucopia with my hand.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06If you step outside the paddock, you are disqualified.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11I am well aware of the rules, Reeves. I've been doing this for 28 years.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15If you could assist me, please, Reeves, by passing me my hand pipe.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Right. Yeah, OK.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Using the hand pipe, I will disorganised my arm muscles,
0:20:20 > 0:20:28limbs and bones so that I'm able to touch the cornucopia with my hand.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Could I have the serious music, please?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34MUSIC: Mastermind theme
0:20:38 > 0:20:40TWANG!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43It's a quality item, ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I'll see you shortly when I am inevitably victorious.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Cream always rises. Thank you, Reeves.- Very poor.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Very poor indeed. Well, anyway, watching the acts and judging the winner tonight,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59please welcome the children's entertainer Simon Cowell.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:05 > 0:21:10OK. Simon, now you're going to tell us who is the winner tonight.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Was it act number one, David Little-Peacock and his doglect?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Was it act number two, Rod Stewart?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Was it act number three, Graham Lister?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34MUSIC: Caroline by Status Quo
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Choose between diesel,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56meat or grout.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01For the ladies, talcum powder, Prosecco or salad.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Eileen, I see you're wearing them scented inserts in your Geordie jeans.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- Give us a sniff, man. - Help yourself, Brian.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14She's quality crumpet.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15You're bastard right I am.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Perfuffles.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Frimple cakes. Perfuffles.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Excuse me, you can't sell your wares here, I'm in the middle of doing a show.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I've come all the way from Wisconsin...
0:22:34 > 0:22:39on a steamboat to sell my perfuffles, my frimple cakes and hooties.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43OK. All right, you've come so far, come and tell us about your cakes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:50Look at them. Here's a hooty, here's a perfuffle. Touch it, soft.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- So soft, right?- It is a very soft cake.- Soft, right?- It's very soft.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Well soft, right?- Yeah, it's really soft.- Well soft, right?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Frimple cakes. Touch them, they're real soft, right?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- OK. So what's the frimple taste of?- Coconut.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Do you want to take them, please?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Hold on a minute. Take those glasses off, please.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Who are you?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Take that hat off as well. Take the hat off. Oh, it's you!
0:23:22 > 0:23:28- Yeah, sorry.- You twister!- I'm sorry. - Oh, well, that's nice.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Bob, I've just noticed you're not wearing your wig.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- No, I've lost confidence in it. - Why's that?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Well, people were, like, poking me. - Poking fun of you?- Literally poking me
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- and saying, like, "Terrible blend, Bob."- Really?- Yeah, so I just took it off.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- I can't see why. Hey, I'm a wig salesman, I could help you out. - Really?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I sell them mainly around the States...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:- ..but sometimes in New Zealand.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56I sell me wigs in New Zealand to mainly people who work in the motor industry.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- I'm in luck there, I should come to you.- I've got my samples here, do you want to have a look?
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- You've got them with you? - Yeah, yeah.- How lovely for me. Yeah, I'd love to try some on.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Hang on a minute. Get me samples now.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09God, what have you got in there, a dead body?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Eh?- What's in there, a dead body? - No.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Why, has someone been saying something?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- No, I was just making a little joke. - It's not funny.- OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21I'll just get ready.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- You'll fix some to me, will you, Vic?- Yeah, let's have a look.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28I'll see what I can sort you out with. What have we got here?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Hang on, wait a minute.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37- How is that?- It's got a really good fit, but it's a bit heavy for me.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Is that too heavy for you?- Yeah. Do they look any good?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Yeah, it looks all right. - It's too heavy for me.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- I need something a bit lighter, you know what I mean?- Something a bit lighter.- A bit more summery.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Oh, rustle...- There. How's that? - It's really light.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55It's lovely and light. I haven't got a mirror, Vic. Have you got somewhere I could look?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Hang on. Have a look in that. - Thank you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04- Oh, is this newspaper?- Yeah.- I need something more durable than that.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- Really?- No, I need something more durable than that.- Hang on. Just wait there, then.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11SPLATTERING AND SQUELCHING
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Right.- Can't wait.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18AUDIENCE GROANS
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- Oh, I like that.- Yeah, that looks pretty good.- Let's have a look. Let's have a look.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Yeah.- That feels perfect. - Have a look.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- What do you think?- Yeah, I like it. - Do you like it? - I really look like someone.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Who do you think?- Who is it I look like?- Er...
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- Who is it?- Olly Murs. - That's it, it's Olly Murs!
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- It is, it's Olly Murs.- It's quite striking really, ain't it?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Thank you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Zero, zero, zero.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Niner, eight.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Zero, zero, five, seven, two.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the end of the show.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29We've got a really special treat for you.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I don't know if you remember, a bit earlier with me new wig,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I looked a bit like Olly Murs.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Well, tonight, to close the show, as a very special guest,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- we've got Mr Olly... - Bob, he said he can't make it.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- What do you mean he can't make it? - He said he can't get here.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46He says he's really sorry, but he can't do.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I just saw him about half an hour ago, he couldn't wait to get on.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50I know, yeah, but he can't do it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52He said he can't do it, he was really apologetic.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Really sorry about it. He said he's...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58He's really cut up about it.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- No, he must be in bits. - Well, he is actually, yeah.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05So what are we going to do to finish the show, then, son?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- Well, I've got another memory.- Good one, bad one?- It's a bit of both.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It was in the same brainstorm that I saw Mel Gibson.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I was going through the same brainstorm
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and I saw Idris Elba, the actor,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18running along through the rain with a couple of falcons on his shoulders.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21He was trying to get his falcons to the sanctuary before they got wet.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Why didn't he just take them inside?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I don't know.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- You just don't know.- I don't know. - No, I would love to see that.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- Would you like to see that memory? - It'd be nice, wouldn't it?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- I'll get me memory hat on. - Put the memory hat on.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Do you want to see this memory? - Of course I do.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Come on. Come on, let's get there quick.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Come on! Come on.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Yeah, it's interesting.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59I've enjoyed that very much. Are you going to keep that memory?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- I don't want it, no, you have it. Put it in your pocket.- OK.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Look, we must commemorate that memory in some way, Vic.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- What do you reckon? - Let's commemorate it in song.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Let's do a song all about Idris' problems.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- Use your special instrument. - # Idris Elba
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# Is running through the rain
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- # Idris Elba - Isn't it a shame?
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# Idris Elba
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- # He got his kestrels wet - Idris Elba
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# He hasn't got home yet... #
0:28:42 > 0:28:44# Idris Elba
0:28:50 > 0:28:52# Idris Elba
0:28:57 > 0:29:00# Idris Elba
0:29:06 > 0:29:08# Idris Elba. #
0:29:08 > 0:29:09Good night!