0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# A sticky situation #
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Yo, check out this new Lolcat video! It's proper mental!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Later. I'm watching and live-tweeting Game Of Zombies.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12What's Game Of Zombies?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15It's the award-winning spin-off of Game Of Thrones and The Walking Dead.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16What's happening now?
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Two of the zombies are shagging and a dragon's just sitting there, watching.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Super friends, look!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24My expose about the school canteen
0:00:24 > 0:00:27is the second story on the school news site. Woohoo!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Remind me why we hang out with him again?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32His brother sells good weed, trust me!
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Ziggy, what would you rather do it with?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35A zombie or a dragon?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- Zombie.- Why?- Zombie's human-shaped.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40If I squint, I can pretend it's Holly Willoughby.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Holly Willoughby?! Ziggy, are you a lesbian now or something?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I just have this feeling I might really enjoy eating muff.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Yeah, I have that feeling, too.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50What about you, Herbert?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Zombie or dragon?- Neither. I don't have time for relationships.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Not if I want to be number one reporter of the College Gazette.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Wow, can I have a look?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Ziggy!- Talk nerd again and I'll spit on your back!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Hey!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07What about you, Ashley? What would you rather bang? Zombie or dragon?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Dragon, innit? Come on!
0:01:08 > 0:01:09A dragon's massive.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- You'd get lost in there. - And it can breathe fire.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13What if it coughs while you're doing it?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It could burn your face off.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I'd just do it doggy from behind.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Then, it would only set fire to the headboard.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Of course!- It's Dragon Shagging 101.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Wow, you have really thought this through, haven't you?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27You've got to be prepared for every type of situation.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Forget that. Check out this cat video.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31It's not loading, knobhead.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Where's this flipping internet?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Ssh! We're about to find out who's going to kill the zombie president.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- Ooo!- Cool!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- The killer...- Yeah.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43..is...
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Who is it?
0:01:44 > 0:01:45COMPUTER BEEPS
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Not connected?! What the f...?
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Inside voice, Jay.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Inside voice.- What the hell, man?!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- There's no need to get discombobulated.- No!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54We'll just turn the router off and on again!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Fuck! My 3G's gone!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Someone better get me back on the internet right now,
0:01:59 > 0:02:00or I'm going to kick off!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04What have you shitty people done to mi damn internet?!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I'm trying to sexy Skype!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Oh, my...!- No!- No!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12With one of mi classy international gentlemen friends.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And mi Wi-Fi, dead!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Do they all look like that?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17I am no longer a lesbian!
0:02:17 > 0:02:21If I'm not getting connection, him not getting erection!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24It looked like it was trying to communicate.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Oh, Gran, please put some clothes on!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28My house, I wear what I like!
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Even if it is mi Agent Provocateur crotchless panties.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Stop it!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Guys, I've got a feeling in my bottom.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39And it's telling me that it's not just Ashley's internet.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Maybe this is like a global ting.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42That's right, Ashley.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It is a global ting!
0:02:44 > 0:02:45See, told you!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- At 4:45 today, the internet disappeared worldwide.- Eh?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Fuck!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52There's panic on the streets,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54as citizens ask what the fuck is going on.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55SHOUTING AND FIGHTING
0:02:56 > 0:02:59In New York, similar scenes of mayhem!
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Oh, my God! No Twitter! What does Justin Bieber think?!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Oh, what does Justin Bieber think?! - SCREAMING TRAILS OFF
0:03:06 > 0:03:10In Washington, the disappearance of Twitter has caused President Trump
0:03:10 > 0:03:12to suffer some kind of mental breakdown.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14During a live TV address, he was seen
0:03:14 > 0:03:17writing on the walls with his own shit. Using 140 characters or less.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22If there's no Twitter, do I exist? #OrangeLivesMatter.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25People who usually shop for groceries online
0:03:25 > 0:03:27have resorted to cannibalism.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29This man has decided to eat his wife.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Oh, she's as delicious as she was beautiful!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Aren't those cans of beans behind you?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Yeah, but I don't like beans.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Internet - gone!
0:03:40 > 0:03:41What are we going to do?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I say we go outside post-haste, survey the area.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Are you crazy?!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47There could be bears out there!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49There weren't any bears out there before.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Yeah, but maybe all the bears was on the internet.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56And now the internet's gone, bear fucking city!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- We're screwed!- You gets me!
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Oh, God.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02# I found myself in a sticky situation
0:04:06 > 0:04:08# A sticky situation
0:04:09 > 0:04:10# A sticky situation
0:04:12 > 0:04:15# Tell me, what do I do... #
0:04:15 > 0:04:16BELL RINGS
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I need to know who killed the zombie president.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20I won't sleep till I find out!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22It's been 72 hours!
0:04:22 > 0:04:23I'm starting to feel weird!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26They say sleep deprivation can make you hallucinate!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Do you think that's true?- Well, from what I know about...- No, sorry.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I were talking to the Nazi clown-spider Simon Cowell next to you.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33- Oh.- The one with tits.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36We love you, Jay. Be one of us! Merge with us.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Oh, this no internet bollocks is fucked up!
0:04:40 > 0:04:41I miss Tinder!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I've had to work out a way of doing it in real life.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Ugly...- You what?- Too fat.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- What?!- Looks like my dad...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48That is my dad!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Ziggy! Don't tell your mother you saw me here!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Without the Lolcat video, my life is empty!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56It's like someone bent the world over a table
0:04:56 > 0:04:58and sucked the fun out of its arse.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Right, the internet's gone.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Where did it go? We don't know.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Is it coming back? We don't know.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Where do eggs come from? Eh?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08We don't know! They just appear underneath chickens.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It's fucking weird.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13So, what do we do now the internet's gone?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Well, you'll be happy to hear
0:05:14 > 0:05:17that the government is prepared for such a situation.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22# You're fucked! #
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh. Well, that's disappointing.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26We're done for! We're effed!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29In the B! By a very big D!
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Timesed by, like, a million and six percent, multiplied by 400 billion.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Which would be...?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- Um...- 0.00046853146, or some bollocks like that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Why?- He's right!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45What is going on with your brain?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Fucked if I know!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Well, I'm no scientist, but my best guess would be
0:05:49 > 0:05:52that it's a side effect of the internet going down.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Now that Ashley isn't using 90% of his brain to watch cat videos...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58And God knows what else...
0:05:58 > 0:06:01..his natural intelligence is reasserting itself.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Wow. Looks like Ashley has taken your role as the smart one, Herbert.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I imagine it's only temporary.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's only temporary, isn't it?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Isn't it?- I don't know. I don't care. It's the end of the world.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I'm huffing glue out of a plastic bag.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I can't handle no internet.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24It's made me look around and notice shit.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I mean, what is that big, weird yellow sky ball?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30How long has it been there? What does it do?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34And why does it make my eyes hot when I stare at it for too long?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Ladies, and twats.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oh, now your brother's turned up, Zig, this is great.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Mum just lumbered me with him. He got suspended again.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Chucked the school gerbil out the second-floor window.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44It looked at me funny.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Had to be done.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I'm in charge. You don't leave my sight.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50And I don't want you getting up to any of your crazy shit,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53like when you sold chemical weapons to North Korea.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57That is not ricin.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59That is MDMA!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Whoo!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04I love it!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08It turns out, it was ricin.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I was just a middleman.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But whatever. Herbert, where's your brother keep his weed?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Hail to thee, morning lark, bright-voice messenger of the day...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What are you doing?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh, what the fuck? Oh, my shitting God.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I'm writing poetry.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26What's poetry?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28It's like a rap for sad white people.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30What... What's happening to me?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- I don't like it.- Don't worry, Ash,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35we'll find a way to reverse this and make you thick again.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And I... I mean, everyone will be happy.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- You promise?- I pinky promise.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Hey!- We need the internet back now.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I've got that feeling in my bottom again,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46and it's telling me something fishy is going on.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- You got that right!- Whoa!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Ah!- Craig, the creepy school caretaker.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53What the giddy knickers are you doing at my house?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I live in your shed.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Phew! That's a relief. I thought it was going to be something weird.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I like the shape of your head.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Can I stick my fingers up your nose and try and touch your brain?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05No, you cannot, you weird bastard.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07What do you know about the internet disappearing?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10All I know is that this new world order
0:08:10 > 0:08:13is built on a lie.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14If you want to know more
0:08:14 > 0:08:17you should talk to my secret source from my days
0:08:17 > 0:08:19on the dark web.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22But you're going to have to go somewhere you've never...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- ECHOES:- ..been before!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Ugh. Place smells like Godzilla's ball sack.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Where are we?- It's a library.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44People used to congregate here to read stuff.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Expand their minds.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49But, like, it's mainly where homeless people go toilet.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51My Herbert senses are telling me we're onto something.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54And my Ziggy senses are telling me that you're a right prick.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56You all right, Ziggy? You seem troubled.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I've just read a shitload of books on feelings and stuff.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Maybe I can help. - I just got this feeling that I've forgotten something.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Yo, a-holes. Ziggy!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Sweet. Taxi.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09- Where to, son?- The airport.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- But first, take me to the best titty bar in town.- You got it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Oh. A first edition of Stephen Hawking's A Brief History Of Time.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm so excited I could just cream my pants!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh! Oh!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Did you actually just cream your pants?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26A little bit, yeah.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27I need to sit down.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30What the...?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Huh?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33I am not going down those stairs.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35There could be bears down there.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Stairs bears.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39What is it with you and bears, and stairs?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I just don't trust bears, OK?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Believe me. I learned the hard way.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52# I love those bears, bears, bears
0:09:52 > 0:09:54# I love those big bloody bears
0:09:54 > 0:09:58# Bears are a boy's best friend
0:09:58 > 0:10:01# They are so very nice They're not scary
0:10:01 > 0:10:03# But they're usually very hairy
0:10:03 > 0:10:07# Bears are a boy's best friend. #
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Yeah!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I love those big brown bears...
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Mum!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Jay! You wasn't meant to see this.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14- Oh.- AAH!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Well, this is awkward.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Oh, my God.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Fine. Let's go down the scary secret stairs.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23But don't say I didn't warn you.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yes. We've been expecting you, yes.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- What the hell is that? - We are librarian.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35The librarian! Welcome to our home.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Welcome. Shh.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- No talking! - HE FARTS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Did he just shit out a mouse?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41- Wow.- See?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44This is exactly why I don't read.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Mr Library Troll, I am Herbert Maloney,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49roving reporter for the Shatford College Gazette.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Hello. Please, tell us, what has happened to the internet?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Shall we tell them?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Yes, tell them.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54No, don't tell.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56But Librarian like the human.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58No. Humans are stupid!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Man, can you stop doing the Gollum Lord Of The Rings impression?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03It's tired, man.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Fair enough. The internet disappearing wasn't an accident.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- It was planned.- Are you saying...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Yes. Someone has kidnapped the internet.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12- But who?- It was...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Oh!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19We're being attacked by books!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Eat knowledge, scumbags.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Whoof!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Wait. He's still alive.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Tell us, weird chum, where is the internet?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Follow this map. You will find what you're looking for.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I can feel myself fading away.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Herbert. I need you to do something for me.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Of course. I'd do anything, anything.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40I need you to...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44..pop my willy in your mouth.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Uh...- Come on, what are you waiting for?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47It's his dying wish.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Throw the lips to it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, God.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52# A sticky situation
0:11:52 > 0:11:54# Yeah. #
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Guys. Doesn't anyone else see how mental this is?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Maybe we should just turn around and go home.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03We've come too far to give up now.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I've just nibbled a willy.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07He's got good technique.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10You had to do it. It was his dying wish.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11But he didn't die.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13When I finished he perked right up.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14He cycled home.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Oh. Wow.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I know we're scared, but the internet is down there,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21somewhere, alone and afraid.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Oh! I got a lady boner.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Oh, God. This is it.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27OK, super friends.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Let's do this!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Aaaah!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You know, I still can't shake the feeling I've forgotten something.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37# ..in a sticky situation... #
0:12:37 > 0:12:38- Woo!- Woo!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I'm going all in.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Blow on them, baby.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45No. I meant me nuts!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Oh, hey!
0:12:50 > 0:12:54OK, mega chums, we need to get in that castle and rescue the internet.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55The only way up...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Whoa, Ash, are you feeling all right?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Bit of a migraine, but apart from that I'm solid.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Did you know... Did you know that everyone has a unique tongue print,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06just like fingerprints?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09The square root of 6,000 is 7.459...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- What's happening to him? - I'm no scientist,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14but I think he's so full of knowledge that if we don't do something soon
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- he's going to blow. - Female kangaroos have three vaginas.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Ah!- Ah!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Intruders!- Kill them!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Oh, tiny little testicles. Run!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Shit!- Ahhh!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29GUNFIRE AND SCREAMING
0:13:33 > 0:13:36HE BABBLES NONSENSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:38What is this?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Fuck a duck.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Ash's brain is so clever, he's acquired telekinetic powers.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48This is fucking mental!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49- Wow.- What is going on?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I'm no scientist, but I think Ash has gained power over matter itself.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57He's dismantled the guards, atom by atom,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and now he's rearranging those particles into a...
0:14:00 > 0:14:01into a, a...
0:14:02 > 0:14:03..a cow.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- OK, so is no-one else going to say it?- Oh...
0:14:06 > 0:14:09This is some totally fucked-up shit!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Freeze, bad dudes!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Who are you and what have you done with the internet?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It appears we have guests.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20And... Sorry, but where did that cow come from?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22The party's over.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23You rotter, or should I say
0:14:23 > 0:14:27chairman of the Librarians Association, Professor Nerp.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Well done. You worked out who I am.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- You saw that written on his badge, didn't you?- Yep.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Whoa, that's Russian President Vladimir Putin.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Oh, Vlad's got nothing to do with this.- Then what he's doing here?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Oh, he just popped by.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42We're mates. We go to the same gym.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Would you guys like a chocolate brownie?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Oh. Yeah, please.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Too late! Vladimir Putin has licked all the brownies.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51That means they are his now.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- That's gross.- So why would a librarian want to kill the internet?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59In the past ten years, 95% of libraries have been shut down.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It was either us or the internet.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Do you think people maybe don't want to read your boring books no more?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Yeah. And if we were meant to read books,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09why did God invent action movies?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Answer that, dickhead.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Your plan won't work, Professor.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Oh, it's not my plan.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16It's mine!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Everyone, drop your weapons.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Oh. Bambi Facesquat. I've watched all your pornos.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Oh, thank you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27So you must be Bobby Bustanut.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28- The Porn King.- Damn right.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Is it true you got your nuts insured for 1 million?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35These guys are covered for third party fire and theft.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Theft? How could someone steal your balls?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It's the porn industry, man.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Crazy shit happens.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44That's why I fitted mine with an old car alarm.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45- The chicks love it. - ALARM BLARES
0:15:45 > 0:15:47So cool, right?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49But, what's porn got to do with all of this?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Surely to the internet has made you billionaires.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53No. We're classic porn, man.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55High production values.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Seen it.- Enduring screenplays.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- That's a good movie, that. - Shocking twists.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Cliff-hangers.- Oh, that's a classic.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Classy shit.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04This is the internet.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08And this is internet porn.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And we're going to blow it all sky-high.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Yeah.- And put libraries back in our communities.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Yeah. And classic porn.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- And classic porn. - And classic porn libraries.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20And, and classic porn libraries...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Yeah.- Maybe.- Maybe we could have
0:16:22 > 0:16:25a little classic porn section in the libraries.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I, I, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be appropriate.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Sure it would, you know, with a velvety curtain.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Yeah, or bead.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Bead curtains?- Classy.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Look, can we...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Can we talk about this after we've blown up the internet?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Yeah, yeah. Sure, man.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42OK, Bambi. Set the timers to one minute.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Got it.- Guards, kill these assholes.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46- Ja.- I'm sorry, guys.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It's nothing personal,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51but this is how shit rolls in the high-stakes world of the classic
0:16:51 > 0:16:52pornography business.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Fire!- No, no, no! Aargh!
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- What?- Hey?- Yes!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58What the hell's going on?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Douchebags!
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Hayes! What are you doing here?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I was in the area, thought I'd pop by.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- Comrade Hayes.- Putin!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- You what?- He's a friend of a friend.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Sometimes I sell him a little ecstasy, I mean, what of it?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Try this, suckers.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Shit!- Goddamn limeys!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Babies are born without kneecaps.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I am no scientist, but I think Ashley's mind's at breaking point.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21He can't take any more knowledge.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22He's about to blow.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Must end this bullshit.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Sayonara, ignoramus.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Must turn on internet.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Now, Ash, now!
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Must kill brain.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I've got a signal!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35EXPLOSION AND SHOUTS
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Give me the gun.- Screw you!
0:17:37 > 0:17:38GUN CLICKS
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Tits.- Ha! Too bad.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Ahh, my balls!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Told you. Bear fucking city.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Jay, I'm sorry I came between you and your mother.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I never meant to hurt you like that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You will always be like a son to me.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55You are forgiven, my friend.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Go in peace.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58GUNSHOT
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Prick.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Ashley. Come on!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I'm sure I can bring it with me.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04It's not worth it, bruv.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I can almost lift it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09No porn's worth dying for.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Whhhyyyyy?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16See you at the club!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19What? We went strawberry picking once.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21# A sticky situation!
0:18:23 > 0:18:24# Yeah. #
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I don't know what you lot did, but thank you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Now I can sexy Skype again.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Think nothing of it, ma'am.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Just another day's work for a budding school reporter
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- and his mega chums.- Lickle more!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42So Ashley isn't a genius any more, then?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44No. Now his brain is full of pointless shit again,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46his IQ's returned to its natural level.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48In fact, I think it might be lower.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Lolcats. Heh-heh-heh.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I've done it! I finally got the number one story.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Yeah.- Nice one.- You know, I learned something today -
0:18:55 > 0:18:58that when four super best friends stick together...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Herbert, the Gazette's got your name wrong.- What? What?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03It says, "Written by Pube Maloney."
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Pube?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05It's the ending of Game Of Zombies!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Here we go.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- The killer...- Who is it?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16..is...
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Nobody. Because this is all a dream.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- What?- A dream.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26What the fuck!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I waited all this time for that shit!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I did a dirty. So did we!
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Oh!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Why does nothing that funny ever happen to us?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Ziggy, could you buy me and Vladimir Putin some beers, please?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45This is the last fucking time.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Hey, result!
0:19:46 > 0:19:50# I found myself in a sticky situation
0:19:53 > 0:19:56# What do I do?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58# Tell me, what do I do?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00# I said, what do I do?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03# What do I do?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05# I found myself in a sticky situation
0:20:05 > 0:20:08# Yeah, a sticky situation
0:20:08 > 0:20:10# Ooh, I said a sticky situation
0:20:11 > 0:20:13# A sticky situation! #