0:00:01 > 0:00:04# Wheels on fire
0:00:04 > 0:00:10# Rolling down the road
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# Best notify my next of kin
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# This wheel shall explode. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- What is that?- The Christmas tree.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Yeah...but, darling...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31What?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Plastique.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38- It's realistic.- I will suspend my disbelief of Father Crimbo, darling,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- but not for that bare old hairbrush. Come on.- It's ecological.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Until you burn it. Hideous, sweetheart, hideous.
0:00:45 > 0:00:51I'm just trying to make it a nice Christmas, darling, for...for little Lola and you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55It is my first family Christmas at home, isn't it, sweetheart? Ho-ho!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Anyway, I've... MOTOR REVS UP
0:01:00 > 0:01:05- What have you done? - Nothing. Oh, it's a surprise. REVVING
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- It's a surprise!- Let me in!- It's a surprise.- Mum, let me in.- No.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21There you go. I had to take the top off to fit it in. Two for the price of one.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Cheers.- Yeah, see you, then.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29- God, it didn't look that big in the forest, darling. - Where is it from? It's disgusting!
0:01:29 > 0:01:35Darling, it's from the special Green Peace and the Friends Of The Earth...
0:01:36 > 0:01:42Somewhere in Scandinavia. Anyway, it would just have ended up as cheap furniture in Ikea.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47It looked quite small from the helicopter.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52- Get it out.- Can't, darling. Man's taken the crane away now.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57- Edi, Edi...- Is that Pats? - Edi, where are you?- Pats!- Edi.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Follow my voice! Hello, hello, hello!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Oh, sweetheart! Patsy, darling!
0:02:03 > 0:02:08- Where am I? Where have I been? - Oh, they must have picked you up on the way in, darling.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13- Oh, honey! Look - squirrel, squirrel, squirrel!- Squirrel!
0:02:13 > 0:02:19- Oh, darling. That's realistic, isn't it? Better than plastique.- Come downstairs, I need to talk to you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Nightmare in Gucci and Prada.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29It's become so.... Oh, thank you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33It's become so common. I blame Martine McCutcheon.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Yes.- You have to queue to get in - queue to get in -
0:02:36 > 0:02:40and then it's like Petticoat Lane, shouting and chewing...
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- IN COCKNEY ACCENT: - "Oi, Tracey, how do I look? Pass us a couple of belts, will you?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"And a Gucci shoehorn."
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Oh, so very, very common, lost all its chic.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58One trip down Bond Street, suddenly she's a duchess. Look at her.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- What did you get?- Whatever I could rip from a Sharon's greedy grasp.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Please don't send me there again.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- I won't. ..Darling, I've got to go downstairs and see Saffy. - OK, I'll come with you.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- No, it's all right. - No, I'll come with you.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, Bollinger...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Well, I suppose, if I must.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26I don't mind Tiffany's, although I did see Amanda Holden in there sniffing around.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Oh, new wealth - so very, very common.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34# Ah, ah-ah!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40# Ah, ah, ah. #
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Mum, I need that room tidy by tonight because we are eating in there tomorrow.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- It will be tidy. I've only got to do my wrapping.- Oh, Edi, Edi...
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Sit down.
0:03:56 > 0:04:02Look, I'm not angry. I know what you're trying to do - it's just too much.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06The reason I like the plastic tree is because it's ours.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09It's like an old friend.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- I know it doesn't look good, but it's special.- It's horrible. - And each decoration...- Darling,
0:04:14 > 0:04:20- it just could be so much nicer, don't you understand? - We do Christmas every year.- Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:26We have our way of doing it. Don't come here like a huge corporation and dynamite away our culture.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Where have we gone now? Where are we in the world?
0:04:30 > 0:04:35- You have to be sensitive.- I am.- You see, Christmas is always the same.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38We do the same things at the same times, and it's lovely.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It just could be so much better, though, darling, don't you think?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Only in your terms. - All right, all right, all right.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48What is it you do? What's happening here?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Well, today I start the stuffing for the turkey.- Oh, but I've...
0:04:52 > 0:04:55No, I cancelled the caterers.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00Oh, darling. I was going to save you all this work, that's all, sweetheart.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02We want to do it, we like doing it.
0:05:02 > 0:05:09- It is possible to have a good time AND do the work. In fact, doing it IS having a good time.- Sweetheart.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- Help me.- All right, Saffy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Don't!
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- That's raw sausage meat. - Well, it's quite nice, darling.
0:05:23 > 0:05:29There was always more stuffing in your mother at Christmas than there was in the turkey.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Christmas is about doing things,
0:05:34 > 0:05:39- and the meal will taste better because you've done it yourself. - Ugh.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42That's the theory they have at rehab. It works for me.
0:05:42 > 0:05:48"Would you like a drink?" "I would." "Pour it yourself." "Yes, I will," "Thank you."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Cheers, darling.- Cheers.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Why isn't she doing the stuffing, darling? She's good at stuffing.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03Last year she stuffed the turkey with the contents of her handbag and most of the Christmas pudding.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Mum, stop eating it.- No, I like it.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Granddad...
0:06:08 > 0:06:12always put his false teeth in the turkey's bottom
0:06:12 > 0:06:16to make it look as if he was smiling.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28"It's Princess Anne!" he used to say.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Oh, how we laughed.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Oh, I wonder where I put them.
0:06:38 > 0:06:44# Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o... #
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Stop now, Mum. - # ..oria
0:06:47 > 0:06:50# Blah, blah in o-blah-blah. #
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Christmas songs, Mama singing Christmas songs.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- Edi, is that an atoll?- What? - Is that an atoll?
0:06:58 > 0:07:03- Yeah, that's an atoll.- A finger of sand poking up in the Indian Ocean, and it's got a resort on it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:10A nipple of land the size of a table and suddenly there's a Four Season's resort on stilts in it!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I mean, two people get in the sea, the whole thing's flooded!
0:07:14 > 0:07:18You have to use scuba equipment just to get to the lobby.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22We'll go there next year, yeah?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28What exactly is this for, dear, and where does it go?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- It goes upstairs, Gran.- Oh, right.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- So, darling, Father Christmas comes tonight, doesn't he?- Yes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- And we have drinks in the evening. - Yes.- Then go to church.- Yes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47- Then we open stockings next morning in bed.- Father Christmas brings the stockings, doesn't he, darling?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Well, I've always just done my own.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Naughty Father Christmas.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Naughty Father Christmas, darling. And for lunch, sweetheart,
0:07:58 > 0:08:04- for Christmas lunch - who comes to that?- There will be me and John. - Yes, yes.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Is he from Gabon?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- What?- Is he from Gabon?- Gabon?
0:08:10 > 0:08:15- Yes, is he from Gabon? - Why are you saying that?- Gabon.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Will you stop saying that now? - Ask her if he's from Gabon.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Is he from Gabon?- No. - ..He's not from Gabon, so shut up.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Darling, Christmas lunch, darling - who's there?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Who's coming?- Bo and Marshall.- Yeah, yeah.- And Dad.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Gran and Jane.- Yes, yes, yes. - Edi, Edi, Edi, Edi, come on!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40You haven't told her, have you?
0:08:40 > 0:08:45- Everything will be fine, just keep going. Who's coming to lunch?- Me,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- John.- Yes.- Dad.- Yes.- Gran.- Yes. - Jane, Bo and Marshall
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- and you.- Oh, are you inviting me for Christmas lunch, darling?
0:08:53 > 0:08:59- Oh, Saff just invited me for Christmas lunch, darling! Saff just, er...- What, Edi?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"And Patsy". Say, "And Patsy."
0:09:02 > 0:09:08- And Patsy! Oh, darling - you as well, she said.- What?- Inviting us to Christmas lunch, darling.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- No, Edi, we're going away. - But, darling...- We always go away.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- We can just be here for a little Christmas...- No.- For little Lola. For Lola.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22- We could just be here for Christmas, sweetheart, couldn't we? - When were you going to tell her?
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- Oh, shut up! I understand this process! Just you shut up. - Edi, I can't. Give me the ticket.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I haven't got any tickets.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35We're staying here for Christmas.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Well, you handled that very badly,
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- very badly, darling.- Sometimes you beggar belief.- Yeah, I know.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- Pats...- I can't, Edi, I won't! I hate Christmas.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23How cruel this time is, with its ghastly pretence at festivity,
0:10:23 > 0:10:31its life twinkling in cruel mockery, like the eyes of my Spanish gypsy boy.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35SHE SOBS
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Where is he now?
0:10:40 > 0:10:46Why am I banished here with no-one to love me?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Mother?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Oh, it's you, Patricia.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53What do you want?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I, I, er...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59WHAT?
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Spit it out, or I'll wash it down with absinthe.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Happy Christmas.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09NO!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Why...why have you done this?!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14It must be kept out.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19We must not let it in.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Why have you brought this poison in?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You are tainted with their gluttony
0:11:27 > 0:11:32and...and insincerity, and urbanity
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and punctilio.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Sorry.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42Oh, I lament your pain and your useless pitying.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47But I, like a ship at harbour, too long have been riding my ropes
0:11:47 > 0:11:53and now cast off the fetterhood of motherdom.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Where are you going?
0:11:57 > 0:12:03I'm going down the Golden Calf, with Burrell, Maurice and Lydia,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05to drink...
0:12:05 > 0:12:10and to play out the unfinished drama of my soul.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I won't be home.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18If Betty May comes over, the skinned rabbit is in the kitchen.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Keep it out.- Keep it out!
0:12:33 > 0:12:39I'll go on my own. At least I won't have to see your fat, white body in a bikini, like a beached whale.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh, thank you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- Aargh! Oh, Edi... - Here we go, here we go.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Oh, Edi. Edi...
0:12:49 > 0:12:56Here we go. Oh, yeah... Oh, dear. Just leave her. Leave her, I know what she's doing, I know what...
0:12:56 > 0:13:00You're supposed to be putting them on, not taking them off, stupid woman.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05Christmas comes around so quickly. It's hard to know where you are.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Oh, just go on. Just...
0:13:07 > 0:13:13It's supposed to be a Christmas tree, not the Blair Witch Project. Look at this.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- And you can get up there, put the star on.- I'm no good with heights.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Get up there now. - I think I see an eagle circling.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Saff, come and help! We're putting the star on, darling, come and look.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I'm scared, scared...
0:13:29 > 0:13:34- scared.- Saff, we're putting the star on the top, darling.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Oh, my God.- What's happened to her?
0:13:38 > 0:13:44- She's collapsed. It's quite normal. - Leave her, leave her. Look - star on top, sweetheart.
0:13:44 > 0:13:50Oh, I've not been this scared since I lost me teeth on the Cat And Mouse at Blackpool.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Look...- We have to do something - she's very cold.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- We have to increase her temperature.- I'll get her reviver.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04If the patient's temperature is too low, we have to treat it by warming her up.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- You have to take her to hospital. - Come on, it's not funny any more. Get up!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11SIREN
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Patsy, can you hear me? - What are you giving her?
0:14:17 > 0:14:22What are you giving her there? What is that? Oxygen? I want that.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27She's all right. Pats, wake up! We have to go back - it's Christmas.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29THUD!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Ow, I hurt my head.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I need a stretcher, I want another stretcher, like that one.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41I'm sick too. I want oxygen, I want the oxygen.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52OK, what's the story here?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- 65-year-old woman found collapsed. - I'm 43.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Follow that trolley! Um...
0:15:09 > 0:15:13This is ridiculous, this is stupid! What is this, Eastern Europe?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Little bit hurt, little bit hurt.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I need some crutches.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Crutches... Oh...
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Pats!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32And I'm partial to an injection of adrenalin straight into the heart.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35That's good to know, Miss Stone.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- What's the matter with you?- I don't know - just had a funny turn.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I'd rather be here than having Christmas. A few days on drugs, lovely.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Can I go? - Only if you pass me my chart.- Oh.
0:15:50 > 0:15:56- I want to write down some things that I must have. Could you read that?- "Smoking contains benzene..."
0:15:56 > 0:16:02- Benzene.- "Nitrosamines." - Nitrosamines.- "Formaldehydes." - And cyanide.- "And cyanide."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Thanks, darling, put that back.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I'd stay here, but I've got so much to do.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Well, go.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Excuse me. It's just that Miss Stone...she's extremely unwell.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- I'M unwell.- Do you know who her next of kin is so we can inform them?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Oh, yeah, she's got a sister called Jackie - that's it, that's it.
0:16:35 > 0:16:41Well, you can cross Patsy off your Christmas lunch list, darling, they've put her on a bleep machine.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Oh, sorry.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Are you? Really? - Well, it is Christmas.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52- What's that got to do with it? - Time to forgive and forget.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58- I'd better get on with my wrapping. - Nobody needs much, don't go over the top.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59I'm not over the top, darling.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04About little Lola's present - you know you said wendy house?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Well, darling, Bubble wondered if that was a Barratt home.- No.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11No, I said not.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I didn't get one, I said no.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21- What have you got for Mama, darling? What have you got for me? - I'm not telling you.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- But if it's, you know... - It's the thought that counts.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29It's just the thought I'm worried about, darling.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Because if the thought is Yardley... - Stop it!
0:17:35 > 0:17:40I have overbought and there's plenty of stuff in my room that I'd like.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Can you just go?
0:17:46 > 0:17:51And I don't eat Brussels sprouts. They make me a bit...pth...you know.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Don't use too much paper. Just make it meet. It doesn't have to be...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Scrooge!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Don't use too much ribbon either. That's expensive.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Look at it. Who would want to give this all away?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- Who did I buy that for? - The old woman.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Oh, my mother.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19It's a bit big, that scarf. It's a bit big for her. She won't want all that now.
0:18:19 > 0:18:25- Will she? She won't want it all now. - Common! Common miser!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29We'll just leave the rest for next year, just wrap that.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Merry Christmas,
0:18:35 > 0:18:41I suppose are the appropriate words to use this time of year.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45No - she's in a coma, you fool! Anyway, Patsy doesn't do Christmas.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Oh.- Didn't you know?- Yes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"Are you very ill?"
0:18:50 > 0:18:54is the next subject that springs to mind.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- No, she's...- Hello.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01- Oh.- She's having a rest. - Recuperation.- Recuperation.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05That's quite hard for you to say, isn't it? Say it again.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Recuperation.- Again.- No.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13- What are you doing here? - I brought you a small gift.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Oh, yes, it's from both of us. What is it?- It's nothing.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- Go on - open it. It's a trifle, a trinket.- No, really - it's nothing.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Open it now. It's from me, mainly.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I told you - just some lovely packaging.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Can you turn up that drip? - I'll do it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:41- Oh. Oh? Oh!- You couldn't possibly understand them.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47MONITOR FLATLINES
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It's an arrest. Let's shock her.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Give me 200, nurse.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Charging. Stand clear.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05No, nothing. 360. Charging. Stand clear.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Hold it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Oh, that was fantastic.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17At least you'll get more than a hamper this Christmas.
0:20:17 > 0:20:23- There's nothing wrong with hampers. - If you like anchovies, potted meat and marmalade.
0:20:23 > 0:20:30They scrape everything up that doesn't sell and put it in a Christmas ham...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32We're always grateful for them.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37- I've blistered my lip with all my wrapping.- Oh, dear.
0:20:38 > 0:20:44Will you stop shaking everything? I'll get your stick and you can beat it to death as well!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47How did you manage the procreation?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Well, these things happen.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54When you first met her, did you think that she was a man?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Certainly not.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Because I was wondering, what do you feel when you look at a man?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06The same as when you see a woman.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11Well, when I look at a woman, if she's gorgeous,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14then I think about intimate relations.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19But when I look at a man, even if he's gorgeous - nothing.
0:21:19 > 0:21:26Now, when I look at Saffron, I think about maximum intimate relations.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30But when I look at her mother, Edininia - nothing.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35So I was wondering if, when you had intimate relations with her,
0:21:35 > 0:21:40- you thought that she was a man. - That may well explain it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Saff, I'm bringing in something now but it's not for you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50It's coming in but it's not for you.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54It's not as big as it looks. It's not as big as it looks.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59All right, sweetheart. It's not for you, it's for Lola, darling.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Listen... BELLS RATTLE It's not a reindeer.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09Sweetheart, darling, got your thing from me. Got your thing for you, darling.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Da-nee! This is for you, sweetheart. It's a stocking. Is it a stocking?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Yes.- Yeah, it's for you, darling. - Thank you.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Do you want to know what's in it? - No.- Money.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- I stuffed it with money.- Has it got a tangerine and a sugar mouse?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Merry Christmas!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Hello! This is the day that the Lord has made!
0:22:39 > 0:22:45- Hello, stranger! You're going to celebrate the birth of the Christ child this year.- Amen.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Don't sit down yet, Marshall... OK, baby.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51So what's happening with you two?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54You haven't got our newsletter?
0:22:54 > 0:23:00Hi! I'm Bo and this is Marshall. I am bursting to share the news of this product.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Well, what is it, Bo?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I'll tell you, Marshall. Rejoice and be glad because finally
0:23:06 > 0:23:12- there's a non-fat fat-eating product for the faith community.- Hallelujah.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Tell us what you're talking about. - I'm talking about Staylene -
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- the non-fat fat-eating product system. "System" is important.- Yes.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24It is the best non-fat fat-eating product system on the market.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29It's taken the fat out of America but leaving the flavour behind.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Does Staylene work, Bo? Is it some kind of miracle?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Thanks for asking. I think it is.
0:23:35 > 0:23:41It's a chemical process prepared by ministry scientists at our laboratories in Ohio.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46They explained it is a combination of tiny sponges and silicone.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50The sponges act like God's angels sucking up the bad fat
0:23:50 > 0:23:53and the silicone eases it gently out of your colon.
0:23:53 > 0:24:00You know Staylene must be safe when science has, along with the Lord, had a hand in it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Amen.- What are you mixing up there?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I'm not mixing, I'm agitating the compound prior to cooking.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Many of those other non-fat fat-eating products
0:24:10 > 0:24:14go straight through your body causing...I can't bare to say it.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19- Well, I'll say it for you, Bo.- OK. - Anal leakage.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24Not Staylene. No. It's safe and effective. It also protects and cleans.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- To prove that... Would you agitate for me?- Sure, honey.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33To prove this, I've fed Marshall another non-fat fat-eating product.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38These were his underpants after that day. These are his pants after Staylene.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41One pair horribly stained,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44the other fresh as a daisy, as God intended.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Can we mark that with a hallelujah?
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- Hallelujah! We have testimonials from satisfied customers.- We do.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57In three days of eating Staylene, Philomena Bill enjoyed this result.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- But I think it's her face that's the problem.- It's pixelated.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06I've been pixelated before I found the Lord. I never looked like that.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11We are talking about Staylene, God's own non-fat fat-eating product.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- An offer that's irresistible.- Amen! It also removes unwanted body hair.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Show them your back, Marshall.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I'm crazy! So crazy I have an offer.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- No.- The first ten people who call in will receive a free agitator.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Steady, Bo!- I'm going to do it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- Amen and Praise Jesus! - Can you believe this?
0:25:33 > 0:25:38We've sold Staylene since the bottom fell out of the baby business.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Much like the bottom has fallen out of Marshall.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46- He OD'd on Staylene. Couldn't just have one cookie. - Had to have the whole jar.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Has everyone got a drink?
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- Oh, look at her the hostess. - Merry Christmas Eve!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Saffy.- Oh - no, Gran.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Happy Christmas Eve!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Happy Christmas. HE BREAKS WIND
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Marshall, was that you? OK - upstairs now, mister.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Come on - march - two, three, four.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Pats.- Jacks!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I came as soon as I heard.
0:26:43 > 0:26:49- Heard?- No, don't speak, don't tire yourself. I can see it's difficult.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54The nurses tell me you haven't got long so let's make the most of these few moments.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- I haven't got long? - I know, darling, but I'm here.
0:26:58 > 0:27:04Your sister. Oh, Patsy, always my favourite.
0:27:04 > 0:27:11- Really?- Oh, yes, darling. Your protector, friend... Oh, darling!
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Let's remember the good times - the old times -
0:27:16 > 0:27:21before the birdsong comes to brighten the mood.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26And the terrible hours are driven away,
0:27:26 > 0:27:31and the demons creep back into... wherever you keep your demons.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34The pants drawer.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41It's, er, it's nice to have you here.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Yeah, I've been OK, haven't I? Yeah.
0:27:44 > 0:27:49Are you, er, missing Patsy?
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Oh, yes, darling, I am missing Patsy. Yeah, well... Yeah. Yeah.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59We can go and see her tomorrow, take her something.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Well, just a little thing, darling.
0:28:02 > 0:28:09- Nothing too big. You were right about, you know... Everything's got a bit out of control, hasn't it?- Yes.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14- It's OK. I know you got carried away and there is a pleasure in giving.- Is there?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Yes, yes, there is, darling.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Night!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Ooh!
0:28:26 > 0:28:31- Jacks, I don't remember any good times.- Oh, yes, darling - parties!
0:28:31 > 0:28:36You remember the party we had when Mother died. That was a great time.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38How happy we were! And then...
0:28:38 > 0:28:45- Then you married Marcello.- Don't be silly, darling.- But I wasn't there. - Stop it or I shall fetch the nurse.
0:28:45 > 0:28:50He was mine - Marcello Agnelli. He was the only man I ever loved.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53We were supposed to get married and you took him!
0:28:53 > 0:28:56How could I? He was a grown man.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00- You told him I was dead. - Well, I thought you were dead.
0:29:00 > 0:29:07How many people survive a heroin overdose on that scale? I must have got the purity wrong.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09When I came out of the clinic
0:29:09 > 0:29:12you'd got him, you'd stripped him clean.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15The lifestyle tired me.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22The Lear jets, the villas, the yachts, the parents!
0:29:22 > 0:29:29Oh, my God! Pats, darling, I'm glad we can laugh at it all now.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33But, darling, you've been all right, you've had your job.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36You're a woman of means now.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Which reminds me, the will.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42Now, darling, you've... left everything to me, of course.
0:29:42 > 0:29:48- A will?- There was a pair of shoes that I like, so I included those.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Well, I can sell the rest.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54My cats are going to be so grateful. Sign.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58I hate you!
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Oh, darling!
0:30:06 > 0:30:12And now...the final pin.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18I think I got the purity right this time.
0:30:21 > 0:30:27- As long as we get home for the present unwrapping. We can't stay long.- All right.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Excuse me, who are you here to see?
0:30:30 > 0:30:34- Miss Stone. - I'm afraid I have some bad news.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Miss Stone passed away last night.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43I've got her...
0:30:43 > 0:30:45What did she say?
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Mum, she's dead.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Patsy?
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Oh, hi, Edi! Have you come to take me home?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Uh? What? What?
0:31:19 > 0:31:21- What's that?- Yeah, that's Jackie.
0:31:21 > 0:31:26- Huh?- Oh, she died last night. Heroin overdose.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27So, darling - it's Jacks!
0:31:27 > 0:31:31- So, merry Christmas, sweetie! - Merry Christmas, darling!
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Merry Christmas!
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
0:31:36 > 0:31:41Oh, merry Christmas, darling! It's Patsy, darling! Patsy.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Merry Christmas.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Come on, darling. Come on!
0:31:50 > 0:31:54- Merry Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas.- Stop saying that!
0:31:54 > 0:31:57- I can't stop saying it. - You don't like Christmas.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Too much! Always too much.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- This is for you, Saffy. - Oh, thank you, Gran.
0:32:04 > 0:32:13I can't remember what I've bought but some of you will get cat beds and the others get pillow lights.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Oh, I like it!
0:32:15 > 0:32:18It's just the ticket!
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Oh, Dad, what were you thinking?
0:32:20 > 0:32:24I don't want to discuss vulgar matters,
0:32:24 > 0:32:29but when you are with the other fellow, what's the procedure?
0:32:29 > 0:32:33How do you decide who is the gentleman and who is the lady?
0:32:35 > 0:32:39- Well, I...I'm the lady. - Oh, you're the lady.
0:32:39 > 0:32:45You two really have to stop talking about this now.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49If anyone doesn't like the presents from me, just give them back.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- Oh, mum, I love it!- Good.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Oh, thank you.
0:32:55 > 0:32:59- What's this? - It's a professional tool kit.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03- That you've always wanted. - How did you guess?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Edi, how long does all this go on?
0:33:05 > 0:33:10- I don't know. There's lunch and in the afternoon we can nip down Annabel's.- Annabel's.
0:33:10 > 0:33:15Have a little bit of a... I've got you a little present in here.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19Oh, cheers, sweetheart. I've got you a little present, here you are.
0:33:20 > 0:33:26- But, Edi, we will stay for lunch, because that would be lovely. - We'll stay for lunch.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Cheers to the chef!
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Um...Mrs M,
0:33:37 > 0:33:40just a little for me, please.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Oh, I knew this would happen!
0:34:42 > 0:34:45# Wheels on fire
0:34:45 > 0:34:51# Rolling down the road
0:34:51 > 0:34:56# Best notify my next of kin
0:34:56 > 0:35:01# This wheel shall explode! #
0:35:01 > 0:35:05Subtitles by Clare O'Malley and Vicky McDonald BBC Broadcast - 2003
0:35:05 > 0:35:07E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk