0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Wheels on fire
0:00:04 > 0:00:10# Rolling down the road
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# Best notify my next of kin
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# This wheel shall explode. #
0:00:23 > 0:00:25ALARMS BLARE
0:00:25 > 0:00:30No, no! Snooze! Snooze!
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Snooze.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33MOBILE RINGS
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Oh, God. Bubble!
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Yes, I AM getting up
0:00:36 > 0:00:39and in fact I would BE up if you weren't calling me!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40SHE SIGHS
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Come on, snooze! Snooze!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Snooze.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Oh, well, I'm awake now. Awake now.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49ALARMS BLARE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Oh, yes, I'm awake now, I said. I'm awake now!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Oh, God!
0:00:56 > 0:00:57- YOU'RE LATE!- I am not late.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Anyway, darling, you've got work to do while I'm gone,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03you know, you've got to update my website.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07My website is me - it must be fresh, it must be happening.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Vitamin B,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11ginkgo,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13black cohosh,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- dong!- Oop!
0:01:16 > 0:01:17SHE COUGHS
0:01:17 > 0:01:21All right, darling. Now, more blog, more flog.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I want, "I met Ulrika at a party. My favourite cheese..."
0:01:24 > 0:01:25that sort of thing. Do it, do it.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- Shall I Twitter that? - Yes, Twitter it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30And also stay here and don't let my mother in.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32It's all right.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I'm here already, dear.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Oh.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Well, howdy, stranger!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43It looks as though your jeans have exploded.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- It's a skirt, it's a skirt! - Oh, a skirt.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Anyway what are you doing here? - Coffee, dear.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I haven't got time, I haven't got time.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I've got to go, you stay here, make sure she's not ever left alone
0:01:52 > 0:01:55and frisk her before she leaves, all right?
0:01:55 > 0:02:00- The whole house is alarmed now. - GO, GO, GO!
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Where are we?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- Brixton, madam.- Brixton! Brixton! Wind down the window!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Play some dubstep, dis my hood.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- Hey, Brixtooon. - DUBSTEP MUSIC STARTS
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Brixtoooon, yeah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Hey, wha'gwan? Wha'gwan?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23What? No, no, they'll take the... Drive, drive, now drive, drive!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Drive like the wind!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40FOGHORN BLARES
0:03:30 > 0:03:31You're late.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Darling, you've been in there for two years.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I don't think two hours will make that much difference, will it?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Oh, let's look at you, darling.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Oh, look at you. Old skinny-winny.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45You're skinny-winny thin, aren't you, sweetheart?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Didn't you eat your slop?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I missed you, darling.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Going to give Mum a hug?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Give Mum...a hug.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Yes, I've ballooned!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08You could have come and visited. Gran did.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Look, darling, I've been hindered by this huge,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14recent trunkal obesity, haven't I?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17And anyway, darling, I did. I did try.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18You know, they wouldn't let me in.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21You have to come at visiting times.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Oh, visiting times. Visiting... That's very strict, isn't it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I was banging on the door!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Probably too ashamed to be seen visiting your daughter in prison.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Oh, no, darling, that's cool.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh, yeah, kids in pris.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35We got a little club -
0:04:35 > 0:04:38me, Bryan Ferry, Dave Gilmour, we've got Kids in Pris Club.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42And actually, darling, your crime - your little crime -
0:04:42 > 0:04:44ain't so bad as some of them.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46What was yours? Simple fraud, was it?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I didn't know.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50No. Fake passports for asylum seekers?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I didn't know!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Darling, you are innocent till proved guilty
0:04:54 > 0:04:57and you've been proved guilty, so we can stop there, don't you?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Oh!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Hello, sweetie.- Hello, Dad.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05No, no, no! Not on my surfaces! They're hewn from ancient forests.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07No, no!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09CHAMPAGNE HISSES
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Well, what are you doing here? - Well, I can't stay long, dear,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I've got a car boot to get to.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Oh! Well, jump in, slam it shut and throw away the keys, please!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Hey, hey, hey, this is Saffy's moment.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- You look great. You look great, sweetie.- You do.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Have you managed to talk to Jane yet?- Who's Jane, darling?
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Your granddaughter.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37She's called Lola. I think we agreed on that, darling.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Anyway, is she going to come back from Africa now?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41No, she's in school. I'm going to go out there.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Eddy! Eddy, where have you been?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I'm...I'm here, Saff. I'm here.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Well, I must be off. Bye, dear. - Bye-bye, Gran.- See you soon.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Are you out for a long time?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02For ever, Gran.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, jolly good. Keep in touch.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Not so fast. Come here, come here, come here.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Is that really necessary?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Yes, because of the few possessions I have left in this house,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15there isn't one that hasn't made an appearance
0:06:15 > 0:06:18on some Antiques Roadshow Flog It Up David Dickinson's Arse.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Thank you. You may go.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Nothing for the car boot, then?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Just you!
0:06:28 > 0:06:29SHE GROWLS
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Darling, what are you doing, Pats? - Respect, Eddy.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Respect for doing bird.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Darling, you know I know certain people -
0:06:46 > 0:06:49the hacks, the hogs, the pigs, the snouts, the bulls.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- The guards?- The guards, yeah?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Yeah. Well, they tell me that word has it that she was top dog.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57What, Saffy?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Yeah.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59So cheers!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Cheers.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Cheers.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05After living with you two all my life,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08believe me, prison was like a spa.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- So sweet.- Cheers.- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16SHE BELCHES
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- So, what's been happening? - What's been happening?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I feel like I've been away ages. What's new?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Oh, well, fashion-wise, the colour block is over.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh, is it? Oh!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Yeah. Donatella is still with us. - How?!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- And we're loving Ferragamo pumps and tassel brogues.- Yeah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I love pumps, I love wearing pumps.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35- No, Eddy, darling.- Why?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- No, not flats on you.- Why?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Mrs Pepperpot.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh! Thank you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Thank you for making me feel good about myself,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44at a time in my life, darling,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47when every fat cell I've ever lost or gained
0:07:47 > 0:07:49has come back for the fat cell reunion of the year.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I don't suppose even the credit crunch can tighten YOUR belt!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54SIZZLING Ow!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Thank you, Pats.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01What's happening, what's happening? Darling, what's happening?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Who are all these people? Darling, who ARE all these people?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Mum, I don't know.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Ask me, darling.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Who are all these people?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- I- don't know!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13They're just no-names, nobodies, sweetheart.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Look, there's a new disease called the Kardashians, darling.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It's just sort of spread.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19- Like herpes.- Yeah.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Each one with its own reality show.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Yeah.- They're multiplying like head lice.- Yeah.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Darling, look at this fat one at the end.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Very soon, she will split like an amoeba
0:08:28 > 0:08:30and become TWO Kardashians.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33That looks like a boob. In fact, it's just another Kardashian.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35It's another Kardashian.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I'm not interested. I meant, what's been happening in the real world?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Ooh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:41They got married!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45The nation's sweethearts, Katie and Wills.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Oh, my God, the Royal Wedding! Did you record it, Mum?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- No.- Ooh!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52A day like no other!
0:08:52 > 0:08:56"I want to see them! I want to see them! I want to see them!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"I've camped out for 12 weeks, I want to see them!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03"Oh, oh, oh! It's McQueen! It's McQueen!"
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Oh, and the Archbishop of Candleford!
0:09:06 > 0:09:12Oh! "Betwixt and between, bore, bore, bore, bore, bore."
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And Pippa! Pippa!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Swish, swish, swish down the aisle.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Great, big, fat arse!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Swish, swish, swish!
0:09:22 > 0:09:23No knickers!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Rear of the year!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Hey! Ooh, guess who I am.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Go on, guess, guess. Yeah?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Stop.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36And then on the balcony...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy. - We've seen enough.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- No tongues, no tongues! - Stop, stop.- Please stop it!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh, Dad, is Aung San Suu Kyi out?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Sushi, darling? No, that's a staple!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Yes, sweetie, she's out. And the London riots...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Yes, awful.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Oh, I don't know.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Nothing wrong with a bit of extreme shopping.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00It only takes one person to realise that's just a pane of glass, darling.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Just a pane of glass.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Oh, darling, the real news is
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Patsy and I have been banned from Club 54 in Saint-Tropez.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Unfairly.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Ridiculous!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I mean, all I did was I hugged Elton John, darling,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15and didn't realise he was breast- feeding his baby, that's all.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- You ran at him, Eddy. - Yes, I was running, yes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20But I slipped on the lactation. I couldn't stop myself.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- You hit him like a bowling ball. - Like a bowling ball.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Elton John has a baby? - Yes.- How?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28We think he got a big egg from Liz Hurley.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Cheers. Cheers, darling.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- KEYS JANGLE - Lights out! Lights out!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36KEYS CLATTER IN DOOR
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Hello, darling, just thought I'd make you feel a bit more at home, you know, sweetheart.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Oh! - SHE CHUCKLES
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Hello.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Oh, is that how long you are?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Are those your toes? How did you get that long, darling?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54You were only that long when you left, now you're that long.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- You're going to bed early, Mum. - Yeah, no, I'm going to watch The Killing, I got the box set.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I watch a Killing a night. It's a foreign thing.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- You're actually watching something with subtitles?- Yes.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07- Although I think Danish is pretty easy to pick up, you know? - Go on, then.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Oh!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH IN A DANISH ACCENT
0:11:12 > 0:11:14EDDY CHUCKLES
0:11:14 > 0:11:17It's a little joke in Danish - that's why you're laughing.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Oh, proud of you, Top Cat.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20- Top dog.- Dog.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24So...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh, for God's sake, just ask!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28All right. Was there any fiddly diddling in the showers?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32No. there was no fiddly diddling in the showers.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Sounds dirty when you say it, doesn't it?
0:11:35 > 0:11:36I did have lots of friends.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Oh, did you, darling? What? Pris friends, captive friends?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42If you want any of your friends to come and stay, darling,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I would be cool, you know that, hmm?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Oh! Well...there is someone.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49A special friend.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51HER BREATH SHAKES
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- No, not in a sexual way! - Oh, darling, but come-mm-mm-mm-mm...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Look, really, Mum, I'm not gay. - Oh, for...!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- I'm sorry.- That's all right.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02So this "friend"...?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- I just felt very protective of her. She...- Oh!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- She looked up to me...- Oh, did she?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11..and I thought it would be nice for her to visit when she got out.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14That's cool, that's cool.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- All right, darling. - CRACKLING
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- What's that?- Oh, that's just all my patches, sweetheart.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20You're not still having the menopause?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22No, I grieve for the menopause.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I haven't got any real hormones left -
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I'm held together with gels, pills and suppositories!
0:12:28 > 0:12:29It's good to be home, Mum.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Oh, good, it's nice to have everything back to normal, isn't it?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Yeah. We should catch up. - We should catch up.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36What are you doing tomorrow?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Oh, darling, I have something wonderful planned tomorrow.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I'm going to be celebrating your release.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46MUSIC: "Bulletproof" by La Roux
0:12:49 > 0:12:51# Been there, done that Messed around
0:12:51 > 0:12:53# I'm having fun Don't put me down
0:12:53 > 0:12:57# I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
0:12:57 > 0:12:59# I won't let you in again
0:12:59 > 0:13:02# The messages I've tried to send
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# My information's just not going in... #
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Sexy.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12No.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17So, how have you been?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I didn't know you were coming out so early. It's great.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yeah, well, I got the old jam roll, didn't I?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25That's cos yous kept me on the straight and narrow.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27See? So there are benefits to behaving well.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Yeah, nice. This is tasteful.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I reckon some of this stuff must have cost a fortune!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Um, do you want another cup of tea? It's funny, isn't it?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39When you're inside, everyone does everything for you and now...
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Of course, everyone is doing everything for YOU, hmm?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Oh, my God! I only just heard you were out!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Why did I only just hear?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Oh, oh! Oh, God!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59So how was it? I was trying to come and visit you, but...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01You'd been sectioned, yeah.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Yes.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07How are you now? Are you OK?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Really well. Great pills!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13The voices have stopped.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So how was it?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Was it scary?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Did you get beaten up at all?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19- No.- Oh.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Was there a...?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23No.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, Sarah, this is Baron.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- She was my best friend in prison. - Yeah.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Oh.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Oh...!- No.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Ooh!- No.- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Stop it!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52The voices are back!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Phoo. That was weird!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- I'm sorry.- I don't want tea - I want vodka, man.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Darling, what was Titicaca doing here?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Eh? Sweetheart, is your little pris mouse, your little pris friend here?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Yes, Mum, this is Baron.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Nice to meet you.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Oh!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Hello, Baron, yeah. Wh'appen?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24So this is Pats... Oh.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh! So...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- ..Baron.- I like your place.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Yeah. Yeah, I lahk it, I lahk it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Yeah. Yeah, my...my crib is nahs.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I really lahk it, I lahk it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's...it's like workin' it, workin' it.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And you know, Baron, well, if you lahk my haas,
0:15:49 > 0:15:54you can, um, you can just, like, sort of, like, make it your hoom.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Yeah, yeah, cos you lahks my little girl, as well.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Stop it.- I can't help it. I don't know what I'm saying.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Yeah, she's a sweetheart.- Mm. - Thank you.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06So, Baron, what was you, um, busted for?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09You know, what's you insahd... insahd for?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Oh, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. I'm cool, I am cool.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- You don't have to tell her. - No, it was nothing, you know?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I'm no fish, but I was in just a bit, not a jolt, yeah?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21And I just, you know catch a ride and sell some papers.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I mean, that was what they done me for.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28They put you inside just for selling papers?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I want you to meet Pats. I'll get Pats.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You staying for munch? Lunch! Munch!
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Are you staying...?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Pats! Pats!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Pats! Ooh! Pats!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Pats, darling! Pats, come and meet Baron.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47What are you doing?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Eddy, Eddy, that one, that girl...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Yes, she's lovely, darling, come and meet her.- No, she's not!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53She's a killer!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57No, she's not, darling, she's just put in prison for selling papers.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Yeah, papers, Eddy - drugs, Eddy...
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Oh, drugs!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03To ME, Eddy!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08You didn't dob her in, did you, darling?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- No, darling.- Did you? - I'm no grass, I hold my mud.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13No, the thing is, Eddy, I need your help.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I need your help. I owe her money.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Well, how much?- Lots!- Oh, God!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20And she says if she doesn't get it, she'll kill me.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Oh, no darling, she's all right.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- And YOU, Eddy!- Oh, Christ! Oh, Jesus Christ, thank you!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Did she see you? Did she recognise you, darling?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Did she recognise you?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Yeah. She did.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Hello, there, Aunty Patsy!
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Hello! You remember 'ickle Baron, Aunty Patsy?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Yeah?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Nice. Tailor-made.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Yeah, well, only the best for you, Baron.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Got any shit? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, darling.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47I've got...
0:17:47 > 0:17:51I've got a steak, I've got a spliff, I've got a thin one,
0:17:51 > 0:17:56I've got a hooker, I've got reefer, I've got...whatever you want.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- I want my money.- She hasn't got money. Patsy doesn't...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Shut up! Shut...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Yeah. Well, I want 50 buckets.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05- Pardon?- What?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- 50 Derulos.- What?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- 50 Rios.- Er... - 50 bags of sand.- Speak English!
0:18:10 > 0:18:11£50,000.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12THEY GASP
0:18:12 > 0:18:14If I don't get it, yeah, I'll stay here,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17and your daughter in the meantime has got to be sweet to me.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19She will be, she will be.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Yeah, she'll be very sweet to you, Baron.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24She's SWEET to you. She will be.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- She'll be bloody sweet to you.- Cool.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Oh, Christ!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Christ.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Do you like porcini?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I don't know what the shit that is.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Get me another drink.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Get it yourself.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Don't mess me about.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Baron, you can get yourself a drink.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54But you is my little wifey.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56YOU does it.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Your wifey?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Get...me...another...drink!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"THE KILLING" PLAYS
0:19:07 > 0:19:11SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH IN A DANISH ACCENT
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Mum.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Darling, what are you doing here? You should be with your girlfriend.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20She's not my girlfriend!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Sit down.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I hate to break this to you, darling, but she may have to be.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Why?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30She's Patsy's old drug dealer, darling.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33All right, hang on, don't blow off immediately. Hold, hold.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It's just that Patsy owes her a bit of money.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Oh, my God!- I know, but we're going to sort it, darling -
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- you've just got to keep her sweet, all right?- No!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44All right, then we'll be killed in our beds. Is that what you want? No.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Go on, do as you're told. Go on! Go, go!
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I'll sort this.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53With clear, logical...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and Danish thinking.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58SHE YAWNS
0:20:01 > 0:20:03SHE GASPS
0:20:03 > 0:20:06TRANSLATED FROM DANISH:
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Sarah Lund.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Sarah Lund?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21EDDY SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:20:24 > 0:20:26EDDY CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH
0:20:37 > 0:20:39No, just leave the necklace.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41The necklace doesn't mean anything here.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45SHE CARRIES ON SPEAKING GIBBERISH
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Sorry, I...I don't know what you're saying.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I'm speaking Danish.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53No, you're not.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Yes, I am.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56No, you're not.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57I am!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02'Mum. Mum!'
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Oh! What? What, darling?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I'm scared. I asked her to go, and she won't. I don't know what to do.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Oh, God! Oh, I'll call Patsy.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Where is she?- She's in the attic.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Pats!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Yeah, what's happening? - She wants her money -
0:21:17 > 0:21:19the money she says Patsy owes her. And more.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Oh!- Oh, I don't like this, Eddy. We'll have to kill her.- Yeah.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Mum, Baron is serious.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27All right, darling. Well, I haven't got that kind of money.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- I'm not cash rich. - You must have SOME.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Darling, I invest in accessories.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34My shoes are my hedge fund and my footsies are going down.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Well, shall we call the police?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37NO!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40This is your fault, you know, scamming drugs.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41YOU invited her in!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Why haven't you got any money?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46You never stopped working at that magazine - they must pay you.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Of course they don't pay me. Can't put a price on what I do!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Will you stop hassling Pats, please?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- You must have been paid. And paid National Insurance.- Oh!
0:21:55 > 0:21:56What about your pension?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57How dare you?!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- I'm 39!- 39.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You don't get your pension?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Eddy...- Oh, my God, you must be owed millions!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, stop it, darling. Nyee, nyee!
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Don't!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You don't tell me "don't", little wifey.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Until I get my money, you my little wifey.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29I like this house.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I like YOU.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36What, was you thinking you was just a little fish, a first timer, and you was top dog?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I don't think so!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Yeah, you my pet, little girl, you my pet.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46And no-one touches my pet, hmm?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50SHE HUFFS AND SCOFFS
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Done some serious negotiation.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54And I think I've... Oh!
0:22:57 > 0:23:02Oh, darling, she wants £70,000 now. It's going up!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh, let's just leave the country, Eddy, let's just go!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07How could you spend that much on drugs?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- When was the last time you bought drugs?- Oh.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12This isn't the 1980s. I'm not talking second grade, you know,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I'm talking about Chanels of chemical mood enhancers.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I'm talking about opium from Afghanistan.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I am talking ayahuasca that has to be
0:23:19 > 0:23:22blown from a shaman's pipe in the rainforest.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25This is the Bugatti of pharmaceuticals.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- This costs!- Give them up if you can't afford them, stupid woman!
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Have you seen the price of methadone? Cheaper to buy crack!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Just sell something, Eddy!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Yeah, well, I haven't got anything left to sell, have I?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- That's true, dear.- Yeah.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Well, you have got to do something.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42What shall we do, darling? Shall we bake some money?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Shall we? Shall we bake some? Shall we magic it out of thin air?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Anyway, you should be downstairs, darling, keeping her sweet.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- No!- Oh, what? You won't do a little bit of fiddly diddling,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55and we get slit from ear to ear?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Well, thank you very much(!) Thank you, darling(!)
0:23:58 > 0:24:00What about her? What about her pension?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Well, that's sixpence a week, isn't it?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06£102.15, dear.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Over how many years? Mum, that's a lot of money!- Yes!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You need to go to the Benefits Office and fill in a form.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Have you got a birth certificate?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Salary slips? Bank slips? Household bills?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22That's it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25You've got a passport!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Is that you?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Well, sort of. I got it from Johnny Fingers
0:24:32 > 0:24:34down the Bull & Minge in the Isle of Dogs.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36You haven't got anything?!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- No.- Credit card?- No, I...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- She uses mine.- Yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43There's no record of you anywhere?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Who am I, Ed? - You're Patsy, darling. Patsy.- Yeah!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50You're nobody. You DO have to have paperwork.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Oh, you have to have paperwork to exist these days, do you? Oh.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Maybe I don't exist, Eddy. - Don't be silly, darling.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Maybe someone stole my identity. Maybe I'm just ectoplasm.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Stop it!- What am I going to do, Mrs M?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Well, dear, what exactly are we looking for?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Oh, God! Something official with Patsy's name on it!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, why didn't you say so, dear?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I think I might be able to help.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Here we are.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Here's your old Post Office savings book, dear.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Well, I haven't taken much out, just a little bit for buns and cakes.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26BARON: Wifey! WIFEY!
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Go on, then!
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Get to work! Go on, get...!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- Hello.- Yeah, hi, just come in and just take a seat, whatevs.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Right.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Oh, my God! Oh, God, I love what you're wearing!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Thank you.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Is that the Prairie look? - It is, yes.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Oh, I love!- Anyway my friend, here.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03This one?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06This one. She's never claimed her pension.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Right. Oh, well, that's easy-peasy.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11You just need birth certificate, National Insurance number...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Oh, let's go, Eddy. - No, let's see this through, darling.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15We don't have any of that.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Oh. Um, OK, so what's your name?
0:26:19 > 0:26:25Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau Stone.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Cool. So how old do we know you are?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Um, what do you last remember, darling?- 39.- 39.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I don't know if this would help, it's her Post Office savings book,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- I don't know if that would help. - Let me see.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Um... Oh, OK. Well, this is OK.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Yeah?- Um... There's still no record of a birth certificate.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I'm just checking through quite a few decades.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56But National Insurance has been paid
0:26:56 > 0:27:01on everything that's gone into savings, plus interest. Um...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03So still no birth certificate.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Back, back. Sorry.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Back, back. Almost in dinosaur times.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I'm joking!
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Back, back! Oh, bingo! I mean, blimey, here you are.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18PRINTER WHIRRS AND CLICKS
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Oh, Eddy!- Oh, darling!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- Oh!- I'm a person!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Yeah, a very rich person.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28A very OLD person.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33BARON CHUCKLES
0:27:33 > 0:27:37I can't believe this, man - Aunty Patsy came good.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38You was all so easy.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Oh, well have some more.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- No, no, darling.- Why pay less? Isn't that what they say?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45No, darling, that's not what they say. That's enough, that's enough.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Go! Go! Go!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51No, no, no. Oh, her! Yes, yes.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Oh, good riddance!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Oh! Cheers, darling, cheers.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- Thank you.- Yeah, "Thank you." I should think so.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03It's not exactly what you expect of your little daughter, is it, hmm?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Go to pris, bring home murderous drug friend, thank you.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- So how much has she got? - Mills, darling.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Yeah, I mean, that Post Office book
0:28:11 > 0:28:14bursting at the seams with all her magazine wages, you know?
0:28:14 > 0:28:18And then her pension, darling, Thous, thous.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20What are you going to do with all that cash?
0:28:20 > 0:28:21No, no, sweetheart, no, no.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24You've got to put it somewhere, darling. Put it somewhere.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Oh!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Here, sweetheart. Darling, darling, darling. Here.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Oh, what's that? - Stella McCartney.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Ooh! Hi, Stella.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37No, darling.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39No, sweetheart.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45It's a wallet.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47It's a wallet. A wallet.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- A wallet?- Yes. A wallet.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51I've got a wallet?
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Wow!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58# Wheels on fire
0:28:58 > 0:29:04# Rolling down the road
0:29:04 > 0:29:08# Best notify my next of kin
0:29:08 > 0:29:15# This wheel shall explode. #
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:18 > 0:29:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk