0:00:01 > 0:00:05# Wheel's on fire
0:00:05 > 0:00:10# Rolling down the road
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# Best notify my next of kin
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# This wheel shall explode. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Why don't you have your meeting here today? Just call your people...
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Alarm, alarm, CCTV!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31- ..and call your people and have the meeting here. - What colour was that colour?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Speed, speed, Patsy. Speed today.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Ah, well, look who it is.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Miss Lazy, Lazy, Lazy Woman.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And her scrawny friend.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Stopping in at the spa because you think you deserve it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Just like all the other women that come in here.
0:01:15 > 0:01:21Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy women needing time out from their privileged lives.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Spoilt, stupid...
0:01:25 > 0:01:26and lazy!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30What!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Is your little daughter out of prison now?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Yes, she is.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Are you working today?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I'm working now, thank you. I'm always working.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Oh.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Fat woman.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Come in here and you stuff your rich face with naughty cupcakes
0:01:46 > 0:01:49and then cry, "Oh, I have to go for a detox."
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Well, there's not enough herbs and lemon can take the poison out of you.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Look at the yummy mummies come in here.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03Soft, skinny women come in and have their sad little bones massaged.
0:02:03 > 0:02:09So tired, so stressed from having two children and a big house.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13And then telling me how poor they are and how I've made them sane again.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18"Oh, do you know the Cotswolds?"
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I want to kill them. Kill them!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Get me the Harper's and Tatler.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Ooh, hey.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- What?- You've mellowed.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- Yeah, I like these nails. - Fabulous.- Although I quite like gels, I might have mixes.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I don't know what to have next time. Are you working, darling, today?
0:03:02 > 0:03:07- Yeah, I've got my office set up. - Oh, working here? - Yeah. A little Chanel, ha ha ha!
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- Well, not all day. I'll see you for lunch. - No, no, I'll see you at lunch.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12So, January issue.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Bulimic.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Foetus.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I can see a pube.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27SHE SNIFFS
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Right, so...- No, don't panic. We don't have to work yet.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37No, the intern's not here yet.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Oh, fabulous.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Oh, darling, what's happened? A little bit of a Princess Margaret?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44No, well...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Oh, go on, tell her. It's hysterical!
0:03:48 > 0:03:55- It's not hysterical. In fact, it's very painful. - No, really, it's very funny.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Look, just tell me what happened.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Well, I...had a fish pedicure.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Which is not what it sounds because fish don't have feet.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09No, it's where they nibble off all the hard bits and one nibbled
0:04:09 > 0:04:13on a soft bit and once one had drawn blood it was a feeding frenzy.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Where is that bloody intern? I want to finish this before lunch.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I thought we might run something on the credit crunch.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21The what?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23The credit crunch.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24The what?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26The credit crunch.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- The what?- The recession.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Oh, don't be an idiot. Our super-rich readers are untouched by the recession.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38This magazine is the Argos catalogue for the fabulous,
0:04:38 > 0:04:42diamond-studded whores of the oligarchs.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Darling, they know nothing of the breadline.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47They don't do carbs, they do caviar.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Sorry.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- I've been waiting.- Sorry.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56So, did you meet the advertisers?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Um, yeah.- And did you check out this month's productions?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Yeah.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- Did you talk through the layouts? - Oh, yeah. - Did you do all the returns?- Yes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06And, oh, I had lunch with Karl Lagerfeld.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Why?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11He's this month's main feature.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- Oh.- I love Karl.- Adore.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18But what's happening with his ponytail?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Oh, he's thinning.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23He's bald! Darling, he's got a comb-over from a nose hair.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Genius!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- I need more fags.- Wha... But...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Don't "but" me, you little snotrag, just go.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35THEY LAUGH
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Why am I doing this?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It's work experience.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Right, here we go, here we go...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Oh, ah, ooh, ah, ah, ooh, darling? I need this table.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Mum, I'm having a meeting about the charity.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03- Oh, God, is this a new one?- Who? - That.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Just don't speak to me, please, Mum. Leave me alone and get on with your own useless existence.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08- Oh... - SHE SNORTS
0:06:09 > 0:06:16Right, agenda. Now, we need to talk about the Keecha Project and Wellgild
0:06:16 > 0:06:20and I need a field report on fundraising activities. How was it?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Really hard. - SHE SOBS - Oh, sorry.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25For heaven's sake.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28All right, I've got ideas. Take down my ideas.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- Here we go, here we go, here we go. Brainstorm.- Stop it!- What?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- She's writing on it.- On the pad.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- No.- That's ridiculous.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Why are you doing that?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40It's a pad!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45She's an idiot. She knows nothing.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50No, I know too much. That's why I'm here.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Yeah, all right.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Shall I do it?- No, you just do what you're paid to do.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- I don't get paid.- All right, do what you're not paid to do.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Do the mid-morning lunch run. Go on, two sushis and a bacon sandwich now!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Have you got a report?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Day one, welcome songs and speech.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13Day two, drive into Kasumu City buying materials for the chicken coop.
0:07:13 > 0:07:20Day three, thought I had malaria but it was just sunstroke.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21SHE SOBS
0:07:21 > 0:07:24God, stop it. Will you stop it?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28All right, just...stop it now, just send it to me.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I should've gone. I know Africa. I'm married to an African.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I have a child in Africa.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- Yeah, child in Africa, mm-mmm. - Just go.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41But what about the fundraising, the bring-and-buy, the car washathon?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Just go, please.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47The car washathon?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Shut up.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51A car washathon, darling?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56How much is that going to raise? Sixpence, is it, sweetheart?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Actually, I could get you people who could fill your coffers, darling.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- I could get you Liz Hurley. Get Liz Hurley. - Elizabeth Hurley?- Yes.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Eeh, come on, old girl.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09SHE NEIGHS
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Someone muck her out whilst I take her down the red carpet.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20Clip, clop, clip, clop. It's only another charity do, Lizzy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:29- Take her out, take her out. Take her upstairs.- Come on, let me put you out to grass.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34- Can you manage these stairs with your Gucci hooves?- Oh, just...
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Clippety clop, clippety clop. Neigh, neigh, neigh.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Darling.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Shall I rub your marma points, marma points, marma points?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It's a Kabbalistic tool.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54All right, Mum, I was just... I was just thinking about Jane.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Oh, Lola, darling? Is she going to come back from Africa soon, darling?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Why would I want Jane to have anything to do with you?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04A sad, fat woman who contributes nothing to this world?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- I work, darling, I work. - No, no, you don't.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You have spent all morning having your nails done.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You live off other people. You invent a purpose for yourself.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16That is not a real job.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You only have two clients and they both hate you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You're a sad, useless failure that nobody wants to know.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Now why would Jane want to know you?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31You were a terrible mother and you're an even worse grandmother.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37With very good nails.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Oh, cheer up, Eddy. Don't let the little tick get to you.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Darling, from the mouths of little ticks sometimes come little tick truths.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Are you eating?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54No, I got it for you.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Darling, I'm trying not to eat. I don't want two lunches.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59But I like doing things for you, Eddy.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Just chew and spit. Don't waste it. - All right, I won't waste it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I'm sorry, madam, you can't smoke in here.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Mais avez-vous aucune idee qui suis-je? Mmm?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Eddy, Eddy, Eddy, Eddy? - Yes, Pats, Pats?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Eddy, do you know who that is?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- No.- Christ, it's Jeanne Durand.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Jeanne Durand? - Yeah, it's THE Jeanne Durand.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22THE Durand.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I go for a cigarette, you make a decision.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Imagine who she's worked with.- Yeah.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Truffaut, Chabrol, Polanski.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Names, names, names.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37French names, French names, French names.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Jeanne Durand. Saffy likes Jeanne Durand.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- She's got her poster in her room. - Well, I like Jeanne Durand. - Yeah, you do.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46The look that speaks volumes and the mouth that says nothing.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Yeah. She looks good, doesn't she? - Yeah. Well, she's French.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Yeah, I know, darling, but you know, Bardot?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Well, if you can't save the face, save the animals.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Whose idea was this?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Come on. Let's get out of here before she comes back.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Jeanne Durand.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Darling, imagine how proud Saffy would be, and Lola, darling,
0:11:08 > 0:11:13if I knew Jeanne Durand. "Come over for lunch because Jeanne Durand's going to be there.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"Come over for dinner, meet Jeanne Durand."
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I would be the person who had Jeanne Durand.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Darling, I could represent her. - Whoa, steady, darling, steady. - What, what?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Well, the woman's not...- What? - She's not an idiot.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28So, what is the decision?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31I'm not happy, I can tell you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, dear.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Can we make you happy?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38You see, why can't you understand?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I don't want to be heavy, I want to be light.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- I've always been a comic actress. - Yeah, yeah.- I'm laughing now.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48But really, I want to sing.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I only have ever wanted to sing.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Of course, of course. Like Marlene, like Piaf.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Le Petit Filou.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oui, absolument.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59A singer, singing, yes...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00FORK CLATTERS
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Darling, darling, darling, can she sing, can she sing?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- Of course she can sing. She was one of the Singing Umbrellas Of Cherbourg.- Perfect.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Yes, of course, Miss Durand. I mean, what would you like to sing?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Gainsbourg, Piaf, Brel. Light, light.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Go for it, Eddy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22Yes, well, I'd be very proud to represent you in a tour of singing.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27La Durand, Carnegie Hall.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Yes, perfect.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32J-j-je suis tres... (happy, happy, happy...)
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Heureuse.- Heureuse! And... (grateful, grateful...)
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Gras.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Je suis tres heureuse et tres, tres gras.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Oui.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Oi, garcon. Champagne.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45PIANO PLAYS
0:12:46 > 0:12:49What have you got on here at the moment?
0:12:49 > 0:12:50The Proms.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, yes, I love the Proms.
0:12:52 > 0:12:59So do I. It's been so popular that we've actually had to stop people clapping between movements.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03At the Proms? Anyway, I want it for Jeanne Durand.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Yeah, Jeanne Durand. THE Jeanne Durand.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08An Evening With. Singing.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I'm just going out here. Can you say something? I'll see if I can hear you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Oh, all right, darling. - I absolutely adore Durand.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- This couldn't be a more perfect venue.- Well, we'll see, frankly.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Can you hear me, Eds?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Yes, I can hear you, darling. Can you hear me?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Yeah. Sing something.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25She will be using microphones, presumably?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Yeah, have you got mics? - Yes.- Good.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Sing, Eds.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32What should I sing, what to sing, what to sing, what to sing...?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34SHE HUMS TUNELESSLY
0:13:34 > 0:13:36# Walking down the road
0:13:36 > 0:13:40# Walking down the road
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# Walking down the road
0:13:43 > 0:13:47# Looking at the trees
0:13:47 > 0:13:50# People passing by
0:13:50 > 0:13:56# They say, "How do you look so great for your age today?"
0:13:56 > 0:13:59# I dunno, I dunno...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Hello? Hello?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08So, when did you want to book the hall? I have dates in 2015.
0:14:08 > 0:14:102015?! No, soon.
0:14:10 > 0:14:16Don't give me 2015 or I'll have you clapping between movements for the rest of your life.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19We only have one night in the next four years
0:14:19 > 0:14:23and that's this Sunday night. Someone died.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Good.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Book us in. Durand Sings.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I've just been on the phone to the Albert Hall, darling. It's all booked.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- I've struck a pretty good deal - 70/40 split. What do you think? - Oh, well done, Eddy.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Did you check on her this morning?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- Yes, darling, she's alive, she's alive.- Is she staying here?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Yes. She's upstairs.- Who is, dear? - Jeanne Durand.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh, I'm a huge fan.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Which one is here, dear?- What?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Well, is it Simon Le Bon?- No.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- Or is it the pretty one who still puts his face on?- No, no.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Not Duran Duran, Jeanne Durand!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Lots of..."Oui! La belle de nuit!"
0:15:01 > 0:15:02She was Julia's Knee.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- MUFFLED:- She was Julia's Knee. - Jeanne Durand?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, not her, Eddy! Can't we keep this just to ourselves?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Yeah, darling, Jeanne Durand.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14She's upstairs.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I represent her now, darling.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18We're working up a little set for the Albert Hall.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"Durand Sings."
0:15:21 > 0:15:23That's shut you up, hasn't it? Hmm?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Shut you up, hasn't it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Bubble, have you called all the people?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I want it in all the national papers, all the gay press. We'll have a listening party -
0:15:33 > 0:15:35a private soiree for the critics round at my house.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Worldwide coverage, television interviews. Stop press!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Or shall I just Twitter?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Yeah, that should do it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Oh, dear.- Darling, darling, darling.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48She's here, she's here, she's here. Jeanne Durand, Jeanne Durand.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50CRASH!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Miss Durand.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Here, Miss Durand, Miss Durand, Miss Durand.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Miss Durand, Miss Durand.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Saffy, this is Jeanne Durand. Saffy.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07This is my daughter, Saffron. Jeanne Durand.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Madame, vous etes magnifique
0:16:09 > 0:16:13et j'ai tous vos films sur une etagere speciale dans ma chambre.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Go away, go away.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19This is...this is my mother who's just leaving.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Of course, it's Nick Rhodes! - It's not Nick Rhodes.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- He'll be wearing that eye shadow till the day he dies.- Stop it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Go, go, go.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- Patsy, get her something, get her something.- French breakfast.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Yes.- Nicotine macchiato. - There we go.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- So, dites-moi...- Yes, dites-moi.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44When do we work? I like to work. How long do we have?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45- Just under a week.- Nearly a week.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Good, good, so we must work hard. - We must work hard.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Work, work, work.- Work, work, work.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51I love to work.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- I love to work. Yes, we must work. - DOOR BUZZER
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Who's that?- Pianist's here. - Work, work. Oh, pianist is here!
0:16:57 > 0:16:58We could work now. Let's work.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Later, later.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- I'm not a machine.- OK. She's not a machine.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09She's not a machine. Anyway, je suis tres, tres gras, tres gras.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- No, Mum, don't speak French! - She is French! That's why I'm speaking French.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Yes, but you're telling her you're a fatty.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Even in French, the truth will out.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Oh, thank you very much(!)
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Ah, one of my favourites.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37PIANIST PLAYS: "La Vie En Rose"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48SHE MUMBLES
0:17:56 > 0:17:57PIANO STOPS
0:17:59 > 0:18:03No, no. I will try again. I think it was the wrong key for me.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08PIANO STARTS AGAIN
0:18:10 > 0:18:14(Saffy, Saffy, Saffy, get out, get out, get out, get out.)
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Get out of here. What are you doing? Jeanne is singing.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- I can't hear anything.- Well, she's...she's warming up, darling.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Get out. Get out, get out, get out.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27JEANNE MUMBLES
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Wonderful lyrics.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Uh-oh!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Pats, you said she could sing.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51JEANNE MUMBLES
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Stop, stop, stop, stop.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56What now?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Well, go on, tell her, tell her. She'll take it from you.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Jeanne, this is Baby Bunton.- Emma.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06This is Emma Bunton.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Jeanne...I can't hear you. - Can't hear you.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12That's because I've stopped singing.
0:19:12 > 0:19:18- No...- No, when you were singing, we couldn't hear.- Couldn't hear you.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Well, you know why.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21You are young.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25You spend your life like all the young people with the headphones.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Whaa, whaa, whaa, whaa, whaa!
0:19:27 > 0:19:32Loud music, everyone walking down the streets starring in their own movie.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Oh, God.- Nobody listens.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Are you a singer?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Yes, she's a sort of singer, aren't you, sweetheart?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I am a singer!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47She is a singer. Well, sing her one of your songs. Go on.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# Promise I made Promise I made... #
0:19:51 > 0:19:53That...that is Girls Aloud.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Well, sing her one of your Spicies.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- DOOR BUZZER - # Mama, I...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Oh, no, no. You're shouting at me! That's not singing.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Oh, for God's sake. Oh, thank God, it's Lulu!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Thank God for Lulu.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Thank God!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- Oh, God.- You said you had a job for me, right?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Yeah, darling, this is the job. We've got to get her to sing.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Yeah, but what do I make out of this?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Darling, you get champagne. Champagne for Lulu. Get champagne.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Cupcakes for Lulu! - EDDY CHUCKLES WEAKLY
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Money for Lulu.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Ah!- Ah.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- OK.- Come on, come on, let Lulu through.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35She needs volume.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Oh, I can do that. - She can do volume.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Now, let me see. You have to project.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- You have to push your voice right into the mic.- I've tried that.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Will you let me take care of this?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I am a little bit more experienced and just a little bit older.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Uh, a lot older!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56So, darling, darling, darling, darling,
0:20:56 > 0:21:01Lulu, Lulu...I've just got to get her to hold the mic closer to her mouth, all right?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Call yourself professionals, you two! Come on! Come on.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Can you not smoke? I don't want to die young.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Why not die young? Life is so overrated.- Oh.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Do you see what I'm working with? Lulu, Lulu,
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I've booked the Albert Hall for her! Yes!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Jeanne, Lulu is a singer.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Yes.- Shall I sing?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Yeah go on.- All right. Listen. - LULU BREATHES IN
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Oh, actually, no, no, no, don't, don't.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28No, don't, no, don't.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- I tried that as well. - Yeah, we tried that, we tried that.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- OK.- Just... Go on. - Look, look, look, Jeanne,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38they want to hear you,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- you know? So you've got to give yourself to them.- No, no, no.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- When I sing, they come to me. - Oh, God.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47They'd have to be sitting on your dentures to hear you, that's for sure.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Look, you've got to sing up.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54You just grab the mic, you sing right into the mic, make a noise.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59- A noise.- Sing, woman!- Sing...voice. - Use your voice and sing!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- No, no, no, no, no, no. You are killing my muse.- Oh.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- What do you think I am, an entertainer?- Oh, for God's sake.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne, Jeanne...
0:22:10 > 0:22:11What?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13You know what. She can't sing, can she?
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Darling, this is work in progress, all right?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- I think she's deaf. - Well, I think you're deaf!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- And I think she's an idiot. - Well, I think you're an idiot!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Mum, what are you going to do? You can't let her do this.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Darling, I'm doing this for you, aren't I? After all you said.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I'm doing this to make Lola proud. You love Jeanne Durand
0:22:37 > 0:22:40and if I've got Jeanne Durand, I can't be a failure, can I?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Granny must be doing something right.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Mum, stop it now.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47No. Where did she go?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- She's in the cupboard.- Oh, God.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Jeanne, it's a cupboard!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, dear.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Shut up! Anyway, darling, she'll be all right tomorrow. I've put her to bed now.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No, she won't.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Well, then I'll change the name of the show.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Oh, to what?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Jeanne Durand Talking Songs.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13You'll be a laughing stock.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- No, I've got till tomorrow evening, sweetheart.- Afternoon.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Evening.- Afternoon.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20You've got the listening party
0:23:20 > 0:23:23with all the big critics tomorrow here in the afternoon.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- Oh, shit.- Eddy, darling...- What?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- I'm your best friend and I've never let you down...- No, never.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- ..and I've never asked you to do this before. But, no, Eddy, don't do it.- Oh!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36PIANIST PLAYS
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LOW MURMUR OF CONVERSATIONS
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Cheers, cheers.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54It's amazing that nobody has had this idea before.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- "Durand Sings."- Durand Sings, yes.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Because of course we all remember her as one of the Singing Umbrellas Of Cherbourg.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Oh, Cherbourg. Yes, yes.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06So, Mark, do you like Jeanne Durand?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Yeah, I think I first fell in love with her bouche.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- You've seen her bouche?- Of course.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I thought you were a happily married man.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40Ladies and gentlemen, Edina Monsoon presents...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Miss Jeanne Durand.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47PIANO PLAYS
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Thank you. Thank you.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Well, let me just say...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00I'm not an actor.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I am.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'm not a singer.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I am song.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13I don't smoke.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I am a cigarette.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Yeah, all right, all right. Jeanne, Miss Jeanne Durand.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- I'm not a photograph...- Oh, for God's sake.- ..I'm a painting by Matisse.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Just start, just start.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35# Ne me quitte pas
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# Il faut oublier
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# Tout peut s'oublier
0:25:41 > 0:25:43# Qui s'enfuit deja
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Oublier le temps
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# Des malentendus
0:25:47 > 0:25:50# Et le temps perdu
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# A savoir comment
0:25:53 > 0:25:55# Oublier ces heures
0:25:55 > 0:25:57# Qui tuaient parfois
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# A coups de pourquoi
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# Le coeur du bonheur
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# Ne me quitte pas
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# Ne me quitte pas
0:26:09 > 0:26:12# Ne me quitte pas
0:26:12 > 0:26:16# Ne me quitte pas. #
0:26:16 > 0:26:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:21< Encore!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Fabulous, fabulous.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29I know.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Next stop, Carnegie Hall.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I'm taking new management.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35BUBBLE SOBS
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Oh, just take it, just take it. I don't care.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46BUBBLE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Oh, don't worry. It's all right, I'm not proud of myself, darling,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- it's all right.- It's OK.- What?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I know what you're going to say, darling! Yeah.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Why would Lola ever want to know an idiot like this? But I tried, didn't I, sweetheart? I tried.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Mum, I'm... SAFFY SOBS
0:27:08 > 0:27:09What, what?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Oh, no, no, sweetheart. Ah, la, la, la. Darling.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I understand. It's fine, it's fine.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18No, Mum, I'm the one who's not good enough.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19- I'm the one.- What?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I just made it your fault because I...
0:27:22 > 0:27:25couldn't cope with the guilt about Jane.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- I'm a terrible mother.- Oh...
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- I'm sorry I made it your fault.- Oh, darling. Come on, sweetheart.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36This is all a bit psychological, isn't it, sweetheart, eh?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Come on, everything is my fault, darling.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Everything is my fault, isn't it? No damage done.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Well, there's a French woman about to give a mute concert at the Carnegie Hall.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47That's all right.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50New York gays are very forgiving.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52They are, they are.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Oh, darling.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Oh, sweetheart.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Oh, hugs, hugs, hugs.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Oh, darling.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Awww!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Come on, Eddy, we're going to Mahiki's.- Oh, great.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10EDDY CHUCKLES
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- Is it a club?- Yes, it...
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Do you want to come?
0:28:21 > 0:28:22- No.- No.- No.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# Wheel's on fire
0:28:28 > 0:28:34# Rolling down the road
0:28:34 > 0:28:38# Best notify my next of kin
0:28:38 > 0:28:45# This wheel shall explode... #
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:49 > 0:28:52E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk